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>> THREE, TWO, ONE.
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[ SCREAMING ]
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> Tosh: THAT IS GOOD IF YOU'RE
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FISHING FOR ONE OF THOSE SLUTTY
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SUICIDE GIRLS.
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WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."
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THIS WEEK I'M THANKFUL I LIVE
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TOO FAR FROM MY FAMILY TO GO
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HOME FOR THANKSGIVING.
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I TEASE, MARGO.
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TONIGHT I TEASE A GUY WHO DOES
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IMPRESSIONS AN HOST THE MOST
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FABULOUS PARADE AND GO ON
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TWITTER.
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THIS EPISODE'S GOING TO SUCK AND
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YOU'RE STILL GOING TO WATCH IT,
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SHEEP.
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IN MY EXPERIENCE FREAKS WHO ARE
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INTO BODY PIERCING USUALLY
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AREN'T THIS OUTDOORSY.
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THIS IS A WHITE MAN'S SPORT.
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HE'D MAKE AN ADORABLE CHRISTMAS
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ORNAMENT.
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THERE HAS TO BE EASIER WAYS TO
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DISAPPOINTMENT YOUR PARENTS.
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AT LEAST HE HAS MORE HOLES TO
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HOOK YOUR CHAIN WALLET TO YOU
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MACKLEMORE LOOKING PSYCHO.
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BODY-MODDING ADDS EXCITEMENT TO
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ANY SPORT.
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I DON'T NEED NIPPLES.
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I'M NOT LOOKING TO BOND WITH ANY
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BABY.
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ALL RIGHT, NOT ALL ANIMALS ARE
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UNHAPPY AT THE ZOO.
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YES, WE'RE WATCHING.
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THE ZOOKEEPER SHOULD RAISE MON
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YEAH FOR A HOT TUB.
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I ONCE SAW TWO PANDAS GIVE EACH
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OTHER BLUMPKINS.
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YOU HAVE TO ASK BEFORE YOU PUT
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ONE IN THE YOU INCONSIDERATE
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APE.
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I'M NOT SURPRISED.
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GORILLAS SOME OF MY BEST
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CUSTOMERS AT THE SEX SHOP.
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DID YOU FIND EVERYTHING YOU
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NEEDED.
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ANAL BEADS, GOOD CHOICE.
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THOSE ARE SEVEN HOURS LONG.
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ANAL SET SWING.
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NEED A CLUB CARD?
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WOULD YOU LIKE ONE?
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YOU GET 5% OFF.
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OKAY.
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CASH, CREDIT OR FECES?
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>> CREDIT, PLEASE.
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>> I'LL PUT THE RECEIPT IN THE
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BAG.
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DID YOU GUYS EVER SEE GORILLAS
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IN THE FIST.
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LET'S WATCH TWO DUDES GET ON
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THEIR KNEES AND STIMULATE EACH
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OTHER.
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I'VE SEEN IT 100 TIMES.
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I KEEP HOPING THEY'LL KISS.
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I CAN'T TELL IF THEY'RE GOOD AT
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SLAPPING OR BAD AT PADDY CAKE.
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WAS ANYONE KEEPING SCORE?
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DO YOU WANT TO BE IN A
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RELATIONSHIP WITH A PUERTO RICAN
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CHICK HAVE YOU TO TRAIN.
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MY FAVORITE THING BAY RIVER, NO
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LIFE GUARDS.
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LITTLE TRAMP STAMP.
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I RESPECT THAT MAN ON JEANS
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ALONE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: HE COULDN'T FIND A
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STICK SO HE DECIDED TO CHECK THE
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DEPTH OF HIS FACE.
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SOMETHING TELLS ME THAT'S NOT
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THE ONLY TIME HE'LL HIT ROCK
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BOTTOM.
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A DEAD BODY IS THE ULTIMATE
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NO-DIVING SIGN.
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SAME THING USED TO HAPPEN TO
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JESUS EVERY SUMMER NEP GUY
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COULDN'T PENETRATE WATER.
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HERE'S WHY YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO
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PARK WITHIN A BILLION FEET OF A
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FIRE HYDRANT.
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[BLEEP]
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>> WHAT THE [BLEEP]
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>> Tosh: DID YOU CALL THE
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FIREWOMEN BY MISTAKE?
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[LAUGHTER]
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ZING!
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GONE INTO NEED TO FILL MORE
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BOOTS TO PAY FOR THIS STUNT.
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WHO SPIKED THE CHILI?
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REAL MATURE.
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ARE FIREFIGHTERS STILL
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CONSIDERED HEROES IF THEY DIE
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WHILE TRYING TO PARK?
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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>> HOW FAST ARE WE GOING?
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>> ALMOST 40.
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>> HOW FAST?
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>> 40.
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>> Tosh: IS IT A HOVERBOARD?
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I HOPE HE'S ON A HOVERBOARD.
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NOW LET'S SEE IF THE OBJECTS IN
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THE MIRROR ARE DUMBER THAN THEY
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APPEAR IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.
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>> HOW FAST ARE WE GOING?
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>> GOING ABOUT 40.
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>> Tosh: I LIKE WHERE THIS IS
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GOING.
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USUALLY THE WITH THE RED CARPET
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ON HIS'STACHE IS THE IDIOT OF
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THE GROUP.
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YOU ONLY NEED A HELMET KIDS IF
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YOU PLAN ON FAILING.
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LOOK AT THAT SMOKE.
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ONLY A HILL PERSON COULD FIGURE
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OUT HOW TO RUIN THE ENVIRONMENT
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WITH A BICYCLE.
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55 MILES AN HOUR ON A SCHWINN.
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THEY BETTER NOT BE IN A SCHOOL
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ZONE.
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LANCE WAS THAT FAST UNTIL THE
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USDA TOOK WAY HIS CHEWABLES.
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UH-OH.
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HE'S GETTING THE SPEED WOBBLES.
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HURRY, TELL YOUR DREAM CATCHER
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TO KEEP HIM SAFE.
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STEER INTO IT.
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NO, BAIL.
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I GUESS YOU CAN FORGET HOW TO
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RIDE A BIKE.
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>> HOLY [BLEEP].
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>> Tosh: I'M SURE THOSE ARE JUST
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SCREAMS OF JOY.
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AT LEAST HIS FAMILY CAN ADOPT
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THAT HIGHWAY TO HONOR HIS MEMORY
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AND FOR THAT WE THANK YOU.
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BUT FIRST DON'T
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WASTE YOUR MONEY ON THE
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ANCHORMAN SEQUEL YOUR LOCAL NEWS
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CAN MAKE YOU LAUGH FOR FREE.
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>> WHEN MY SON WAS TEETHING HE
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LIKED TO TAKE MY VIBRATING TOOTH
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BRUSH ON HIS MOUTH LIKE YEAH,
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THAT FEELS GOOD.
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THAT HITS THE SPOT.
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>> GEORGE W. BUSH.
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SO [BLEEP].
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OH, HEY, MY FELLOW AMERICANS,
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GEORGE W. BUSH, FORMER PRESIDENT
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OF THE UNITED STATES.
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NUMBER 43.
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ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.
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HI, I'M THE FORMER GOVERNOR OF
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CALIFORNIA.
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HOW ARE YOU.
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THE ANGRY RUSSIAN.
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YOU LISTEN TO ME, YOU LISTEN TO
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ME I WANT THE BEST TABLE
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I WANT THAT TABLE.
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IT'S A RESERVATION 20 TO 30
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MINUTES.
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CLARITA.
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YOU KNOW I LOVE THE SENIORITA.
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>> JOSH GROBIN.
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>> Tosh: IF YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES
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IT'S LIKE NONE OF THEM ARE IN
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THE ROOM.
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DANA CARVEY IS ROLLING IN HIS
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GRAVE.
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THAT'S STRUGGLING ACTOR WITH IAN
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ZIERING 90s PERM IS ROBERT AND
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HIS MOST ACCURATE IMPRESSION IS
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OF A LOOFAH.
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IMPRESSIONS ARE WHEN A GUY WITH
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LESS TALENT COPIES A GUY WITH
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MORE TALENT.
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LIKE PODCASTS.
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EVERYONE HAS ONE AND NO ONE
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WANTS TO HEAR THEM.
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PRETENDING TO BE DIFFERENT
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PEOPLE DOESN'T MEAN YOUR
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ENTERTAINING.
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IT MEANS YOUR A CRAZY PERSON AND
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GOD PUT YOUR BRAIN IN BACKWARDS
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YOU SORT OF RESEM BALL A
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PRESIDENT.
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MY FAVORITE IMPRESSIONIST IS
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MONET FOLLOWED BY DEGA.
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I FIND THE BEST IMPERSONATORS
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ARE IN SOUTH BEACH BECAUSE YOU
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CAN BARELY SEE THEIR WEENIE PUPZ
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THINK GIRLS WOULD BE BETTER
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IMPRESSIONISTS SINCE MOST OF
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THEIR TIME IS MAKING FACES IN
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FRONT OF A MIRROR AND A FLEW HIM
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TO HOLLYWOOD FOR THIS WEEK'S WEB
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REDEMPTION.
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>> GOOD EVENING.
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AND WELCOME TO INSIDE THE ACTORS
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STUDIO.
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I'M JAMES LIPTON.
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IN SPIRIT OF THE EVENING I'LL
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HOST THE SHOW WHILE DOING AN
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IMPRESSION OF DANIEL TOSH.
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OKAY.
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LET'S MEET THE MAN BEHIND THE
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1,000 VOICE HAS IT SOUND
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SIMILAR.
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BRANDON McNEILY.
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>> HELLO.
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>> Tosh: YOU'RE SO STRONG AND
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I'M SO OLD.
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WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
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>> CHICAGO.
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A PLACE CALLED GLEN ELLEN,
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ILLINOIS.
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>> Tosh: HAVE YOU EVER LIVED IN
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LOS ANGELES?
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>> FOR A WHILE.
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>> Tosh: WERE YOU TRYING TO BE
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AN ACTOR.
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>> AND AN ENTERTAINER.
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>> Tosh: WHAT WAS THE VIDEO WE
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WATCHED?
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>> A COMPILATION OF IMPRESSIONS
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FOR MY MANAGER.
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>> WE STARTED AN IMPROV EXERCISE
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IN COLLEGE AND TOOK FROM THERE.
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>> Tosh: THE BIG BREAK COMES
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WITH THE VIDEO.
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HOW DID SUCCESS CHANGE YOU?
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>> HUNGRIER TO COME BACK TO L.A.
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>> Tosh: DID WE BUY YOU A
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ONE-WAY TICKET?
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>> TWO-WAY.
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>> Tosh: WHAT'S THE KEY TO A
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SUCCESSFUL JOSH GROBIN
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IMPRESSION.
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>> SING LIKE HIM.
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>> Tosh: THAT'S YOUR STRONG
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SUIT.
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BUT WHEN YOU STARTED WITH I'M
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JOSH GROBIN.
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>> HI, I'M JOSH GROBIN.
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>> Tosh: IT SEEMS WEIRD FOR AN
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IMPRESSION TO ANNOUNCE YOUR
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NAME.
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THINK HE EVER SAYS THAT?
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HE PROBABLY DOES BECAUSE HE'S A
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[BLEEP] BAG.
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HAVE YOU STRUCK WITH THE IRON
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WAS HOT WITH THE IMPRESSION.
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A MERE 30 SECONDS LATER ANGRY
266
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:10,200
RUSSIAN IMPRESSION.
267
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,170
>> SIX, SEVEN, PEOPLE, YOU SHUT
268
00:11:12,167 --> 00:11:12,527
UP.
269
00:11:12,533 --> 00:11:13,533
>> Tosh: DID YOU WORK AT THE
270
00:11:13,533 --> 00:11:17,503
RE
271
00:11:17,500 --> 00:11:18,070
RESTAURANT?
272
00:11:18,067 --> 00:11:19,967
>> I DID.
273
00:11:19,967 --> 00:11:22,597
>> Tosh: WHY WAS HE SO ANGRY.
274
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:23,600
WHAT RESTAURANT?
275
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:24,900
>> WOOD RANCH.
276
00:11:24,900 --> 00:11:27,600
>> Tosh: WHAT WAS THEIR SPECIAL
277
00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:28,400
HAS IT NIGHT.
278
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:30,570
>> BEEF BRISKET, 24 OUNCES.
279
00:11:30,567 --> 00:11:31,567
>> Tosh: THAT'S NICE.
280
00:11:31,567 --> 00:11:32,897
>> IT WAS GOOD.
281
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:34,530
>> Tosh: WHO ARE YOUR INFLUENCES
282
00:11:34,533 --> 00:11:36,203
AS AN ACTOR.
283
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:38,970
>> JOHN WAYNE, ROBERT DENIRO.
284
00:11:38,967 --> 00:11:42,697
>> Tosh: I DO A SPOT ON ROBERT
285
00:11:42,700 --> 00:11:43,500
DE NIRO.
286
00:11:43,500 --> 00:11:44,370
>> REALLY?
287
00:11:44,367 --> 00:11:46,267
>> Tosh: THAT'S ALL I GOT.
288
00:11:46,267 --> 00:11:48,667
YOU'RE EYES BUG OUT A LOT WHEN
289
00:11:48,667 --> 00:11:50,467
YOU DO IMPRESSION MIGHT YOU
290
00:11:50,467 --> 00:11:52,797
SUFFER FROM A THYROID CONDITION?
291
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:55,100
>> I ACTUALLY DID HAVE THYROID
292
00:11:55,100 --> 00:11:55,770
CANCER.
293
00:11:55,767 --> 00:11:56,827
>> Tosh: WAY TO GO, JOE.
294
00:11:56,833 --> 00:11:59,573
GOOD QUESTION.
295
00:11:59,567 --> 00:12:00,967
COMPLETELY CURED?
296
00:12:00,967 --> 00:12:02,267
>> COMPLETELY CURED.
297
00:12:02,267 --> 00:12:09,067
>> Tosh: LET ME HEAR YOU DO A
298
00:12:09,067 --> 00:12:09,627
SEINFELD?
299
00:12:09,633 --> 00:12:10,173
>> GEORGE.
300
00:12:10,167 --> 00:12:14,727
>> Tosh: WHAT ABOUT KRAMER.
301
00:12:14,733 --> 00:12:17,203
DO AN IMPRESSION OF YOURSELF
302
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:19,800
DOING AN IMPRESSION.
303
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:24,200
>> GEORGE W. BUSH, 43rd
304
00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:25,600
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
305
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:28,670
>> Tosh: YOUR FAVORITE WORD?
306
00:12:28,667 --> 00:12:33,397
>> SCRUMPTIOUS.
307
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:35,530
>> Tosh: NO.
308
00:12:35,533 --> 00:12:37,203
ANOTHER.
309
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,830
>> SMORGASBORD.
310
00:12:39,833 --> 00:12:41,073
>> Tosh: WHAT IMPRESSION WILL
311
00:12:41,067 --> 00:12:43,067
YOU DO AT THE PEARLY GATES?
312
00:12:43,067 --> 00:12:44,767
>> SCHWARZENEGGER.
313
00:12:44,767 --> 00:12:46,667
>> Tosh: THE CLASSICS.
314
00:12:46,667 --> 00:12:47,827
DO YOU EVER TAKE SUGGESTIONS
315
00:12:47,833 --> 00:12:49,433
FROM THE AUDIENCE?
316
00:12:49,433 --> 00:12:51,673
>> YES, I DO.
317
00:12:51,667 --> 00:12:53,897
>> Tosh: NOW I BELIEVE BOBBY HAS
318
00:12:53,900 --> 00:12:55,100
INVENTED SOMETHING CALLED KICK
319
00:12:55,100 --> 00:12:57,170
STARTER TO FUND HIS LATEST
320
00:12:57,167 --> 00:12:57,727
PROJECT.
321
00:12:57,733 --> 00:13:00,773
>> I GIVE YOU THE TRAILER FOR
322
00:13:00,767 --> 00:13:01,397
THANKSGIVING
323
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:03,100
>> IF YOU HATE IMPRESSIONS OF
324
00:13:03,100 --> 00:13:05,130
THE HOLIDAYS THEN SEND YOUR
325
00:13:05,133 --> 00:13:06,673
FAMILY TO SEE THANKSGIVING FROM
326
00:13:06,667 --> 00:13:10,397
THE PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT YOU
327
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:16,400
VALENTINE'S DAY AND NEW YEAR'S
328
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:20,070
EVE STARRING BRANDON McNEILY AS
329
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:20,867
OWEN WILSON.
330
00:13:20,867 --> 00:13:22,667
LUKE WILSON.
331
00:13:22,667 --> 00:13:23,427
OWEN WILSON.
332
00:13:23,433 --> 00:13:25,273
LUKE WILSON.
333
00:13:25,267 --> 00:13:30,667
>> LET ME GUESS YOU'LL KILL
334
00:13:30,667 --> 00:13:31,127
YOURSELF.
335
00:13:31,133 --> 00:13:34,933
>> MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY.
336
00:13:34,933 --> 00:13:35,873
WILLIAM SHATNER.
337
00:13:35,867 --> 00:13:40,467
>> BEAM ME UP A PLATE OF SLICED
338
00:13:40,467 --> 00:13:41,127
HAM.
339
00:13:41,133 --> 00:13:44,533
>> AND EDDIE MURPHY.
340
00:13:44,533 --> 00:13:47,073
JACK NICHOLSON.
341
00:13:47,067 --> 00:13:50,067
>> WHERE'S THE COKE.
342
00:13:50,067 --> 00:13:52,627
>> YOUNG JACK NICHOLSON.
343
00:13:52,633 --> 00:13:54,603
>> THE ANGRY RUSSIAN.
344
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,130
JOSH GROBIN.
345
00:13:56,133 --> 00:13:58,273
>> HI, I'M JOSH GROBIN.
346
00:13:58,267 --> 00:14:00,967
THIS IS HOW YOU PASS THE GREEN
347
00:14:00,967 --> 00:14:01,727
BEANS.
348
00:14:01,733 --> 00:14:02,633
YOU RAISE IT UP.
349
00:14:02,633 --> 00:14:04,373
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
350
00:14:04,367 --> 00:14:05,897
>> JOHN TRAVOLTA.
351
00:14:05,900 --> 00:14:08,900
>> HEY, PASS THE CRANBERRY
352
00:14:08,900 --> 00:14:09,370
SAUCE.
353
00:14:09,367 --> 00:14:10,297
>> CLARITA.
354
00:14:10,300 --> 00:14:12,630
>> I WISH THERE WAS A CACTUS I
355
00:14:12,633 --> 00:14:14,473
COULD NAP ON.
356
00:14:14,467 --> 00:14:16,227
>> ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.
357
00:14:16,233 --> 00:14:18,173
>> YOUR HOUSE KEEPER'S
358
00:14:18,167 --> 00:14:18,697
ATTRACTIVE.
359
00:14:18,700 --> 00:14:19,930
>> THERE WAS AN E-MAIL.
360
00:14:19,933 --> 00:14:20,733
THAT'S FUNNY.
361
00:14:20,733 --> 00:14:22,203
>> AND TARA REID.
362
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:24,200
>> WHERE'S MY PAYCHECK?
363
00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:26,400
>> IN THANKSGIVING IN THEATERS
364
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:34,100
EVERYWHERE THIS EASTER.
365
00:14:34,100 --> 00:14:36,300
>> Tosh: THAT GUY DOES A SPOT ON
366
00:14:36,300 --> 00:14:37,930
TARA REID.
367
00:14:37,933 --> 00:14:39,203
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST
368
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:40,630
CAN YOU REPEAT THE QUESTION?
369
00:14:40,633 --> 00:14:41,703
>> NEXT QUESTION.
370
00:14:41,700 --> 00:14:46,230
>> UM, I WAS WONDERING WHAT'S
371
00:14:46,233 --> 00:14:49,073
THE RECOMMENDED AMOUNT OF WHAM I
372
00:14:49,067 --> 00:14:59,397
SHOULD HAVE TO SERVE?
373
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:10,270
I'M SORRY.
374
00:15:10,267 --> 00:15:11,067
>>
375
00:15:11,067 --> 00:15:14,567
>> Tosh: I WONDER IF THEY THROW
376
00:15:14,567 --> 00:15:16,467
TOOTSIE ROLLS TO THE CROWD.
377
00:15:16,467 --> 00:15:19,067
WHO DOESN'T LOVE A GO PARADE
378
00:15:19,067 --> 00:15:21,497
OTHER THAN J.F.K.
379
00:15:21,500 --> 00:15:26,970
LET'S BE HONEST, EVERY PARADE IS
380
00:15:26,967 --> 00:15:29,727
A GAY PARADE.
381
00:15:29,733 --> 00:15:32,073
ALL YOU HOMOPHOBES ARE WATCHING
382
00:15:32,067 --> 00:15:35,397
YOUR FOOTBALL I WILL PROUDLY BE
383
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:38,600
SERVING AS GRAND MARSHALL AS THE
384
00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:40,830
FIRST EVER MACY'S GAY
385
00:15:40,833 --> 00:15:42,903
THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE.
386
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:46,370
WE'RE COMING TO YOU LIVE.
387
00:15:46,367 --> 00:15:49,067
NOTHING BUT SPIGOTS ON NBC.
388
00:15:49,067 --> 00:15:52,727
HERE COMES BUZZ LIGHTYEAR MAKING
389
00:15:52,733 --> 00:15:54,333
THE INTERNATIONAL GESTURE FOR
390
00:15:54,333 --> 00:15:55,373
JERKING OFF.
391
00:15:55,367 --> 00:16:03,767
YOU KNOW WHO WOULD KNOW IS RYAN
392
00:16:03,767 --> 00:16:06,697
SEAS CREST.
393
00:16:06,700 --> 00:16:10,970
SAY HELLO TO PEPPERMINT PATTY.
394
00:16:10,967 --> 00:16:13,697
>> AND HERE'S BERT AND ERNIE.
395
00:16:13,700 --> 00:16:15,300
>> THOSE TWO ENJOY STUFFING ALL
396
00:16:15,300 --> 00:16:17,800
YEAR LONG.
397
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:20,900
>> IT DOESN'T GET OLD UP HERE,
398
00:16:20,900 --> 00:16:21,370
RYAN.
399
00:16:21,367 --> 00:16:24,067
HERE TO REPRESENT THE BEAR
400
00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:25,197
COMMUNITY, SPANISH CLAUS.
401
00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:27,100
>> I'D LIKE TO GET MY HANDS ON
402
00:16:27,100 --> 00:16:28,600
HIS SACK OF GOODIES.
403
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:30,430
>> THE SOUND OF CHILDREN
404
00:16:30,433 --> 00:16:31,773
SCREAMING CAN ONLY MEAN ONE
405
00:16:31,767 --> 00:16:32,867
THING, HERE COMES ELMO.
406
00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:35,067
>> WATCH OUT, KIDS, DON'T THREAT
407
00:16:35,067 --> 00:16:36,297
THAT PUPPET TOUCH YOU.
408
00:16:36,300 --> 00:16:38,700
>> OR RYAN.
409
00:16:38,700 --> 00:16:39,600
WHAT A POSE.
410
00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:42,500
THE ELF ON THE SHELF LOOKS READY
411
00:16:42,500 --> 00:16:43,400
FOR ANYTHING.
412
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:48,970
>> UH-OH, THE METLIFE PENIS
413
00:16:48,967 --> 00:16:51,567
BLIMP IS COMING EARLY.
414
00:16:51,567 --> 00:16:54,327
>> ISN'T THAT PEDOPHILIA?
415
00:16:54,333 --> 00:16:57,233
>> RYAN, IT'S TIME FOR THE
416
00:16:57,233 --> 00:17:02,203
McKINLEY HIGH ALL-NUDE DUDE
417
00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:04,070
MARCHING BAN.
418
00:17:04,067 --> 00:17:05,327
>> WHO'S COMPLAINING, HEY?
419
00:17:05,333 --> 00:17:07,573
>> RYAN, LET'S GET INTO THE
420
00:17:07,567 --> 00:17:09,797
THANKSGIVING SPIRIT WITH A RIDE
421
00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:13,870
ON THE GAY FLOWER.
422
00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:16,497
>> DID YOU KNOW THE FIRST WAS ON
423
00:17:16,500 --> 00:17:17,500
PLYMOUTH COCK.
424
00:17:17,500 --> 00:17:18,800
>> I'M NOT TOUCHING THIS ONE BUT
425
00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:21,070
I KNOW WHO WILL, RYAN.
426
00:17:21,067 --> 00:17:23,167
I'D LIKE TO THANK OUR COURAGEOUS
427
00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:25,067
SPONSORS FOR BEING SO
428
00:17:25,067 --> 00:17:26,397
PROGRESSIVE.
429
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:29,730
I'M DANIEL TOSH, HAPPY
430
00:17:29,733 --> 00:17:31,273
THANKSGIVING.
431
00:17:31,267 --> 00:17:36,827
>> YOU MEAN HAPPY THANKS GAYING.
432
00:17:36,833 --> 00:17:38,673
>> THEY MAY WANT TO PASS WITH
433
00:17:38,667 --> 00:17:41,197
THE STREET SCREENERS.
434
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:44,870
HAVE REPLACEMENT BRUSH HEADS
435
00:17:44,867 --> 00:17:45,367
HANDY.
436
00:17:45,367 --> 00:17:54,327
THE GLUE WILL MESS UP THE
437
00:17:54,333 --> 00:17:55,073
BRISTLES.
438
00:17:55,067 --> 00:17:57,897
>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
439
00:17:57,900 --> 00:17:58,970
ME, I STAY HARD.
440
00:17:58,967 --> 00:18:00,567
>> Tosh: THE ONLY THING THAT'S
441
00:18:00,567 --> 00:18:02,767
SOFT ABOUT HIM IS ARE HIS HANDS.
442
00:18:02,767 --> 00:18:04,827
BECAUSE HE MOISTURIZES.
443
00:18:04,833 --> 00:18:06,103
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST
444
00:18:06,100 --> 00:18:08,130
EVERYBODY KNOWS REDHEADS CAME
445
00:18:08,133 --> 00:18:09,673
ABOUT WHEN A HAIRLESS CAT TAUGHT
446
00:18:09,667 --> 00:18:18,667
HIMSELF TO READ.
447
00:18:18,667 --> 00:18:20,167
>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.
448
00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:20,827
IT'S ALMOST BLACK FRIDAY.
449
00:18:20,833 --> 00:18:22,373
I GOT TO END THIS SHOW SOON TO
450
00:18:22,367 --> 00:18:23,727
GET IN LINE AT BEST BUY.
451
00:18:23,733 --> 00:18:25,633
THEY HAVE AN ALL-IN ONE PRINTER
452
00:18:25,633 --> 00:18:29,803
FOR $99.
453
00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:31,370
I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE THE
454
00:18:31,367 --> 00:18:32,667
DEAL'S TOO GOOD TO PASS UP.
455
00:18:32,667 --> 00:18:35,267
NEXT WEEK I SHOOT THE [BLEEP]
456
00:18:35,267 --> 00:18:37,067
WITH THIS BAG LADY.
457
00:18:37,067 --> 00:18:38,797
>> I'LL BE SHOWING YOU HOW TO
458
00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:39,630
CHANGE YOUR BAG.
459
00:18:39,633 --> 00:18:41,273
THERE'S SOME THINGS I WANT TO
460
00:18:41,267 --> 00:18:42,597
TALK ABOUT BEFORE I TAKE THIS
461
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:44,170
OFF SO I'M NOT DRIPPING ALL OVER
462
00:18:44,167 --> 00:18:45,727
THE PLACE.
463
00:18:45,733 --> 00:18:46,903
>> Tosh: NO BIG DEAL.
464
00:18:46,900 --> 00:18:48,930
I'VE [BLEEP] IN A BAG BEFORE AND
465
00:18:48,933 --> 00:18:51,233
MADE MY ASSISTANT CARE TRY
466
00:18:51,233 --> 00:18:52,703
THROUGH A MUSIC FESTIVAL.
467
00:18:52,700 --> 00:18:58,670
DON'T GO TO MY BLOG FOR MY
468
00:18:58,667 --> 00:19:01,827
CHUTNEY AND BRICKLEBERRY IS BACK
469
00:19:01,833 --> 00:19:03,973
AND THERE'S RUMORS MALLOY WON'T
470
00:19:03,967 --> 00:19:05,367
BE BACK NEXT YEAR.
471
00:19:05,367 --> 00:19:08,097
NOW, RECENTLY THE SCIENTISTS AT
472
00:19:08,100 --> 00:19:10,070
TIME MAGAZINE DISCOVERED A
473
00:19:10,067 --> 00:19:11,327
FORMULA TO DETERMINE THE WORTH
474
00:19:11,333 --> 00:19:12,803
OF SOMEONE'S TWITTER HANDLE LIKE
475
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:14,070
THE FREQUENCY OF TWEETS AND
476
00:19:14,067 --> 00:19:15,967
NUMBER OF FOLLOWERS TO GET AN
477
00:19:15,967 --> 00:19:22,067
EXACT MONETARY VALUE.
478
00:19:22,067 --> 00:19:27,067
MY WRITER HAS 9,000 FOLLOWERS.
479
00:19:27,067 --> 00:19:28,827
THAT'S WORTH $56.
480
00:19:28,833 --> 00:19:29,903
SHE IS POOR.
481
00:19:29,900 --> 00:19:31,670
ONE DIRECTION IS WORTH $2.5
482
00:19:31,667 --> 00:19:33,127
MILLION BUT KEEP IN MIND THEY
483
00:19:33,133 --> 00:19:34,603
HAVE TO SPLIT THAT FIVE WAYS OR
484
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:35,300
MAYBE SIX.
485
00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:38,330
AN ASSUME THEY HAVE TO INCLUDE
486
00:19:38,333 --> 00:19:39,533
SOME WEIRD OLD SEX OFFENDER THAT
487
00:19:39,533 --> 00:19:41,703
MANAGES THEM.
488
00:19:41,700 --> 00:19:43,670
THIS IS INTERESTING, MARKEY
489
00:19:43,667 --> 00:19:50,197
MARK'S TWITTER IS ONLY WORTH
490
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:50,770
$1,000.
491
00:19:50,767 --> 00:19:51,327
OH, MY GOD.
492
00:19:51,333 --> 00:19:52,503
IT'D BE WORTH MORE IF YOU
493
00:19:52,500 --> 00:19:54,830
STOPPED 9-11 LIKE YOU PROMISED.
494
00:19:54,833 --> 00:19:56,103
HE GUY'S SELFISH.
495
00:19:56,100 --> 00:19:57,170
COULD HAVE STOPPED IT.
496
00:19:57,167 --> 00:19:59,127
CHOSE NOT TO.
497
00:19:59,133 --> 00:20:01,203
NOW, GARY MANN IS THE EXECUTIVE
498
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,670
OF COMEDY CENTRAL IN CHARGE OF
499
00:20:02,667 --> 00:20:03,267
THIS SHOW.
500
00:20:03,267 --> 00:20:05,397
LET'S SEE HOW MUCH HIS TWITTER'S
501
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:06,270
WORTH.
502
00:20:06,267 --> 00:20:07,327
A DOLLAR?
503
00:20:07,333 --> 00:20:08,903
SEEMS OVERVALUED.
504
00:20:08,900 --> 00:20:10,770
WE'LL LEAVE HIS HANDLE UP FOR A
505
00:20:10,767 --> 00:20:11,197
WHILE.
506
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:13,630
MAKE SURE YOU GUYS GET THAT.
507
00:20:13,633 --> 00:20:17,103
THAT'S @ THE REAL GARY MANN.
508
00:20:17,100 --> 00:20:18,700
HE ALWAYS WELL COMES STEVE BACK
509
00:20:18,700 --> 00:20:21,930
OR JUST HATEFUL INCONSULTS.
510
00:20:21,933 --> 00:20:22,833
JUSTIN BEIBER.
511
00:20:22,833 --> 00:20:24,203
THIS WILL MAKE EVERYONE SPINNING
512
00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:30,400
HIS TWITTERCCOUNT IS WORTH $21
513
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:31,200
MILLION.
514
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:33,430
THAT'S GOING TO BUY SO SOUTH
515
00:20:33,433 --> 00:20:34,303
AMERICAN WHORES.
516
00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:36,630
I MEAN GOOD ONES TOO.
517
00:20:36,633 --> 00:20:37,273
HOOTERS.
518
00:20:37,267 --> 00:20:39,467
ONLY WORTH $3500.
519
00:20:39,467 --> 00:20:41,567
YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD MAKE THAT
520
00:20:41,567 --> 00:20:42,727
WORTH MORE?
521
00:20:42,733 --> 00:20:47,903
TONS OF TIT PICKS.
522
00:20:47,900 --> 00:20:49,670
YOU'RE LEANING OVER A GOLD MINE
523
00:20:49,667 --> 00:20:52,367
AND DON'T KNOW IT.
524
00:20:52,367 --> 00:20:54,097
LET'S SEE HOW MUCH DANIEL TOSH
525
00:20:54,100 --> 00:20:56,000
IS WORTH.
526
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:58,200
$4.1 MILLION?
527
00:20:58,200 --> 00:20:58,670
SOLD.
528
00:20:58,667 --> 00:21:03,767
THE FIRST TO FORK IT OVER WILL
529
00:21:03,767 --> 00:21:06,227
GET EXCLUSIVE PAYMENT.
530
00:21:06,233 --> 00:21:08,073
SEND DID OVER TO THE "TOSH.0"
531
00:21:08,067 --> 00:21:09,327
OFFICES AND WE'LL MAKE IT
532
00:21:09,333 --> 00:21:09,803
HAPPEN.
533
00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:10,270
GOOD NIGHT.
534
00:21:17,700 --> 00:21:19,600
>> Tosh: THIS QUESTION IS FOR
535
00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:21,230
KENDALL JENNER.
536
00:21:21,233 --> 00:21:22,473
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY YOU TASTE
537
00:21:22,467 --> 00:21:22,767
LIKE?
538
00:21:22,767 --> 00:21:25,827
>> I WOULD HAVE TO SAY A TAFFY
539
00:21:25,833 --> 00:21:26,373
APPLE.
33275
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