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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:36,067 --> 00:00:37,797 >> THREE, TWO, ONE. 2 00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:40,370 [ SCREAMING ] 3 00:00:40,367 --> 00:00:45,727 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 4 00:00:52,367 --> 00:00:53,867 >> Tosh: THAT IS GOOD IF YOU'RE 5 00:00:53,867 --> 00:00:56,597 FISHING FOR ONE OF THOSE SLUTTY 6 00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:57,470 SUICIDE GIRLS. 7 00:00:57,467 --> 00:00:59,097 WELCOME TO "TOSH.0." 8 00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:00,870 THIS WEEK I'M THANKFUL I LIVE 9 00:01:00,867 --> 00:01:07,097 TOO FAR FROM MY FAMILY TO GO 10 00:01:07,100 --> 00:01:09,070 HOME FOR THANKSGIVING. 11 00:01:09,067 --> 00:01:12,467 I TEASE, MARGO. 12 00:01:12,467 --> 00:01:15,227 TONIGHT I TEASE A GUY WHO DOES 13 00:01:15,233 --> 00:01:19,773 IMPRESSIONS AN HOST THE MOST 14 00:01:19,767 --> 00:01:24,397 FABULOUS PARADE AND GO ON 15 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:25,070 TWITTER. 16 00:01:25,067 --> 00:01:26,797 THIS EPISODE'S GOING TO SUCK AND 17 00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:28,570 YOU'RE STILL GOING TO WATCH IT, 18 00:01:28,567 --> 00:01:29,097 SHEEP. 19 00:01:29,100 --> 00:01:30,830 IN MY EXPERIENCE FREAKS WHO ARE 20 00:01:30,833 --> 00:01:33,933 INTO BODY PIERCING USUALLY 21 00:01:33,933 --> 00:01:35,473 AREN'T THIS OUTDOORSY. 22 00:01:35,467 --> 00:01:37,527 THIS IS A WHITE MAN'S SPORT. 23 00:01:37,533 --> 00:01:41,903 HE'D MAKE AN ADORABLE CHRISTMAS 24 00:01:41,900 --> 00:01:42,570 ORNAMENT. 25 00:01:42,567 --> 00:01:43,867 THERE HAS TO BE EASIER WAYS TO 26 00:01:43,867 --> 00:01:46,067 DISAPPOINTMENT YOUR PARENTS. 27 00:01:46,067 --> 00:01:49,067 AT LEAST HE HAS MORE HOLES TO 28 00:01:49,067 --> 00:01:51,297 HOOK YOUR CHAIN WALLET TO YOU 29 00:01:51,300 --> 00:01:55,070 MACKLEMORE LOOKING PSYCHO. 30 00:01:55,067 --> 00:01:56,397 BODY-MODDING ADDS EXCITEMENT TO 31 00:01:56,400 --> 00:02:04,470 ANY SPORT. 32 00:02:04,467 --> 00:02:05,827 I DON'T NEED NIPPLES. 33 00:02:05,833 --> 00:02:07,433 I'M NOT LOOKING TO BOND WITH ANY 34 00:02:07,433 --> 00:02:08,733 BABY. 35 00:02:08,733 --> 00:02:10,203 ALL RIGHT, NOT ALL ANIMALS ARE 36 00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:20,170 UNHAPPY AT THE ZOO. 37 00:02:20,167 --> 00:02:22,927 YES, WE'RE WATCHING. 38 00:02:22,933 --> 00:02:24,633 THE ZOOKEEPER SHOULD RAISE MON 39 00:02:24,633 --> 00:02:26,473 YEAH FOR A HOT TUB. 40 00:02:26,467 --> 00:02:29,627 I ONCE SAW TWO PANDAS GIVE EACH 41 00:02:29,633 --> 00:02:37,303 OTHER BLUMPKINS. 42 00:02:37,300 --> 00:02:40,570 YOU HAVE TO ASK BEFORE YOU PUT 43 00:02:40,567 --> 00:02:42,167 ONE IN THE YOU INCONSIDERATE 44 00:02:42,167 --> 00:02:42,567 APE. 45 00:02:42,567 --> 00:02:47,497 I'M NOT SURPRISED. 46 00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:49,200 GORILLAS SOME OF MY BEST 47 00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:50,600 CUSTOMERS AT THE SEX SHOP. 48 00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:54,530 DID YOU FIND EVERYTHING YOU 49 00:02:54,533 --> 00:02:55,403 NEEDED. 50 00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:57,430 ANAL BEADS, GOOD CHOICE. 51 00:02:57,433 --> 00:03:01,203 THOSE ARE SEVEN HOURS LONG. 52 00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:03,300 ANAL SET SWING. 53 00:03:03,300 --> 00:03:04,730 NEED A CLUB CARD? 54 00:03:04,733 --> 00:03:07,333 WOULD YOU LIKE ONE? 55 00:03:07,333 --> 00:03:10,903 YOU GET 5% OFF. 56 00:03:10,900 --> 00:03:11,500 OKAY. 57 00:03:11,500 --> 00:03:14,730 CASH, CREDIT OR FECES? 58 00:03:14,733 --> 00:03:15,873 >> CREDIT, PLEASE. 59 00:03:15,867 --> 00:03:19,067 >> I'LL PUT THE RECEIPT IN THE 60 00:03:19,067 --> 00:03:19,497 BAG. 61 00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,400 DID YOU GUYS EVER SEE GORILLAS 62 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:22,900 IN THE FIST. 63 00:03:22,900 --> 00:03:24,570 LET'S WATCH TWO DUDES GET ON 64 00:03:24,567 --> 00:03:26,067 THEIR KNEES AND STIMULATE EACH 65 00:03:26,067 --> 00:03:28,897 OTHER. 66 00:03:28,900 --> 00:03:31,100 I'VE SEEN IT 100 TIMES. 67 00:03:31,100 --> 00:03:35,900 I KEEP HOPING THEY'LL KISS. 68 00:03:35,900 --> 00:03:37,870 I CAN'T TELL IF THEY'RE GOOD AT 69 00:03:37,867 --> 00:03:48,667 SLAPPING OR BAD AT PADDY CAKE. 70 00:03:48,667 --> 00:03:52,067 WAS ANYONE KEEPING SCORE? 71 00:03:52,067 --> 00:03:54,897 DO YOU WANT TO BE IN A 72 00:03:54,900 --> 00:03:56,270 RELATIONSHIP WITH A PUERTO RICAN 73 00:03:56,267 --> 00:03:57,427 CHICK HAVE YOU TO TRAIN. 74 00:03:57,433 --> 00:03:58,733 MY FAVORITE THING BAY RIVER, NO 75 00:03:58,733 --> 00:04:03,203 LIFE GUARDS. 76 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:05,370 LITTLE TRAMP STAMP. 77 00:04:05,367 --> 00:04:06,927 I RESPECT THAT MAN ON JEANS 78 00:04:06,933 --> 00:04:08,933 ALONE. 79 00:04:08,933 --> 00:04:14,403 [LAUGHTER] 80 00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:15,570 >> Tosh: HE COULDN'T FIND A 81 00:04:15,567 --> 00:04:17,297 STICK SO HE DECIDED TO CHECK THE 82 00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:24,370 DEPTH OF HIS FACE. 83 00:04:24,367 --> 00:04:25,567 SOMETHING TELLS ME THAT'S NOT 84 00:04:25,567 --> 00:04:27,667 THE ONLY TIME HE'LL HIT ROCK 85 00:04:27,667 --> 00:04:28,197 BOTTOM. 86 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:30,300 A DEAD BODY IS THE ULTIMATE 87 00:04:30,300 --> 00:04:31,100 NO-DIVING SIGN. 88 00:04:31,100 --> 00:04:32,900 SAME THING USED TO HAPPEN TO 89 00:04:32,900 --> 00:04:34,530 JESUS EVERY SUMMER NEP GUY 90 00:04:34,533 --> 00:04:42,133 COULDN'T PENETRATE WATER. 91 00:04:42,133 --> 00:04:43,873 HERE'S WHY YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO 92 00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:45,967 PARK WITHIN A BILLION FEET OF A 93 00:04:45,967 --> 00:04:54,967 FIRE HYDRANT. 94 00:04:54,967 --> 00:04:59,697 [BLEEP] 95 00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:00,830 >> WHAT THE [BLEEP] 96 00:05:00,833 --> 00:05:02,473 >> Tosh: DID YOU CALL THE 97 00:05:02,467 --> 00:05:04,527 FIREWOMEN BY MISTAKE? 98 00:05:04,533 --> 00:05:05,073 [LAUGHTER] 99 00:05:05,067 --> 00:05:09,227 ZING! 100 00:05:09,233 --> 00:05:11,503 GONE INTO NEED TO FILL MORE 101 00:05:11,500 --> 00:05:13,770 BOOTS TO PAY FOR THIS STUNT. 102 00:05:13,767 --> 00:05:15,927 WHO SPIKED THE CHILI? 103 00:05:15,933 --> 00:05:17,773 REAL MATURE. 104 00:05:17,767 --> 00:05:18,967 ARE FIREFIGHTERS STILL 105 00:05:18,967 --> 00:05:20,397 CONSIDERED HEROES IF THEY DIE 106 00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:21,570 WHILE TRYING TO PARK? 107 00:05:21,567 --> 00:05:24,727 WHAT'S NEXT? 108 00:05:24,733 --> 00:05:26,833 >> HOW FAST ARE WE GOING? 109 00:05:26,833 --> 00:05:31,403 >> ALMOST 40. 110 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:32,400 >> HOW FAST? 111 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:33,070 >> 40. 112 00:05:33,067 --> 00:05:34,967 >> Tosh: IS IT A HOVERBOARD? 113 00:05:34,967 --> 00:05:36,697 I HOPE HE'S ON A HOVERBOARD. 114 00:05:36,700 --> 00:05:38,100 NOW LET'S SEE IF THE OBJECTS IN 115 00:05:38,100 --> 00:05:39,830 THE MIRROR ARE DUMBER THAN THEY 116 00:05:39,833 --> 00:05:43,433 APPEAR IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN. 117 00:05:43,433 --> 00:05:45,433 >> HOW FAST ARE WE GOING? 118 00:05:45,433 --> 00:05:47,333 >> GOING ABOUT 40. 119 00:05:47,333 --> 00:05:50,333 >> Tosh: I LIKE WHERE THIS IS 120 00:05:50,333 --> 00:05:50,903 GOING. 121 00:05:50,900 --> 00:05:52,400 USUALLY THE WITH THE RED CARPET 122 00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:53,630 ON HIS'STACHE IS THE IDIOT OF 123 00:05:53,633 --> 00:05:58,103 THE GROUP. 124 00:05:58,100 --> 00:06:00,200 YOU ONLY NEED A HELMET KIDS IF 125 00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:04,370 YOU PLAN ON FAILING. 126 00:06:04,367 --> 00:06:06,227 LOOK AT THAT SMOKE. 127 00:06:06,233 --> 00:06:08,633 ONLY A HILL PERSON COULD FIGURE 128 00:06:08,633 --> 00:06:10,273 OUT HOW TO RUIN THE ENVIRONMENT 129 00:06:10,267 --> 00:06:12,667 WITH A BICYCLE. 130 00:06:12,667 --> 00:06:14,197 55 MILES AN HOUR ON A SCHWINN. 131 00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,200 THEY BETTER NOT BE IN A SCHOOL 132 00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:16,670 ZONE. 133 00:06:16,667 --> 00:06:22,297 LANCE WAS THAT FAST UNTIL THE 134 00:06:22,300 --> 00:06:27,800 USDA TOOK WAY HIS CHEWABLES. 135 00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:29,070 UH-OH. 136 00:06:29,067 --> 00:06:31,167 HE'S GETTING THE SPEED WOBBLES. 137 00:06:31,167 --> 00:06:34,527 HURRY, TELL YOUR DREAM CATCHER 138 00:06:34,533 --> 00:06:36,433 TO KEEP HIM SAFE. 139 00:06:36,433 --> 00:06:37,703 STEER INTO IT. 140 00:06:37,700 --> 00:06:38,400 NO, BAIL. 141 00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:39,700 I GUESS YOU CAN FORGET HOW TO 142 00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:40,530 RIDE A BIKE. 143 00:06:40,533 --> 00:06:43,073 >> HOLY [BLEEP]. 144 00:06:43,067 --> 00:06:44,627 >> Tosh: I'M SURE THOSE ARE JUST 145 00:06:44,633 --> 00:06:45,403 SCREAMS OF JOY. 146 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:46,700 AT LEAST HIS FAMILY CAN ADOPT 147 00:06:46,700 --> 00:06:48,630 THAT HIGHWAY TO HONOR HIS MEMORY 148 00:06:48,633 --> 00:06:51,273 AND FOR THAT WE THANK YOU. 149 00:06:51,267 --> 00:06:54,097 WE'LL BE RIGHT BUT FIRST DON'T 150 00:06:54,100 --> 00:06:56,170 WASTE YOUR MONEY ON THE 151 00:06:56,167 --> 00:06:57,897 ANCHORMAN SEQUEL YOUR LOCAL NEWS 152 00:06:57,900 --> 00:07:02,230 CAN MAKE YOU LAUGH FOR FREE. 153 00:07:02,233 --> 00:07:04,433 >> WHEN MY SON WAS TEETHING HE 154 00:07:04,433 --> 00:07:07,903 LIKED TO TAKE MY VIBRATING TOOTH 155 00:07:07,900 --> 00:07:10,100 BRUSH ON HIS MOUTH LIKE YEAH, 156 00:07:10,100 --> 00:07:13,070 THAT FEELS GOOD. 157 00:07:13,067 --> 00:07:18,197 THAT HITS THE SPOT. 158 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:20,770 >> GEORGE W. BUSH. 159 00:07:20,767 --> 00:07:24,097 SO [BLEEP]. 160 00:07:24,100 --> 00:07:26,470 OH, HEY, MY FELLOW AMERICANS, 161 00:07:26,467 --> 00:07:30,767 GEORGE W. BUSH, FORMER PRESIDENT 162 00:07:30,767 --> 00:07:33,497 OF THE UNITED STATES. 163 00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:35,370 NUMBER 43. 164 00:07:35,367 --> 00:07:37,267 ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER. 165 00:07:37,267 --> 00:07:38,727 HI, I'M THE FORMER GOVERNOR OF 166 00:07:38,733 --> 00:07:39,273 CALIFORNIA. 167 00:07:39,267 --> 00:07:40,067 HOW ARE YOU. 168 00:07:40,067 --> 00:07:40,927 THE ANGRY RUSSIAN. 169 00:07:40,933 --> 00:07:42,733 YOU LISTEN TO ME, YOU LISTEN TO 170 00:07:42,733 --> 00:07:44,073 ME I WANT THE BEST TABLE 171 00:07:44,067 --> 00:07:46,097 I WANT THAT TABLE. 172 00:07:46,100 --> 00:07:50,070 IT'S A RESERVATION 20 TO 30 173 00:07:50,067 --> 00:07:50,767 MINUTES. 174 00:07:50,767 --> 00:07:51,667 CLARITA. 175 00:07:51,667 --> 00:07:55,467 YOU KNOW I LOVE THE SENIORITA. 176 00:07:55,467 --> 00:07:57,497 >> JOSH GROBIN. 177 00:07:57,500 --> 00:07:58,630 >> Tosh: IF YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES 178 00:07:58,633 --> 00:08:00,103 IT'S LIKE NONE OF THEM ARE IN 179 00:08:00,100 --> 00:08:00,830 THE ROOM. 180 00:08:00,833 --> 00:08:02,303 DANA CARVEY IS ROLLING IN HIS 181 00:08:02,300 --> 00:08:03,930 GRAVE. 182 00:08:03,933 --> 00:08:08,733 THAT'S STRUGGLING ACTOR WITH IAN 183 00:08:08,733 --> 00:08:11,073 ZIERING 90s PERM IS ROBERT AND 184 00:08:11,067 --> 00:08:14,967 HIS MOST ACCURATE IMPRESSION IS 185 00:08:14,967 --> 00:08:17,397 OF A LOOFAH. 186 00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:18,830 IMPRESSIONS ARE WHEN A GUY WITH 187 00:08:18,833 --> 00:08:20,773 LESS TALENT COPIES A GUY WITH 188 00:08:20,767 --> 00:08:21,527 MORE TALENT. 189 00:08:21,533 --> 00:08:22,703 LIKE PODCASTS. 190 00:08:22,700 --> 00:08:23,900 EVERYONE HAS ONE AND NO ONE 191 00:08:23,900 --> 00:08:25,670 WANTS TO HEAR THEM. 192 00:08:25,667 --> 00:08:26,727 PRETENDING TO BE DIFFERENT 193 00:08:26,733 --> 00:08:28,533 PEOPLE DOESN'T MEAN YOUR 194 00:08:28,533 --> 00:08:29,133 ENTERTAINING. 195 00:08:29,133 --> 00:08:33,373 IT MEANS YOUR A CRAZY PERSON AND 196 00:08:33,367 --> 00:08:35,967 GOD PUT YOUR BRAIN IN BACKWARDS 197 00:08:35,967 --> 00:08:49,797 YOU SORT OF RESEM BALL A 198 00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:51,400 PRESIDENT. 199 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:57,570 MY FAVORITE IMPRESSIONIST IS 200 00:08:57,567 --> 00:08:59,897 MONET FOLLOWED BY DEGA. 201 00:08:59,900 --> 00:09:02,400 I FIND THE BEST IMPERSONATORS 202 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:03,300 ARE IN SOUTH BEACH BECAUSE YOU 203 00:09:03,300 --> 00:09:06,300 CAN BARELY SEE THEIR WEENIE PUPZ 204 00:09:06,300 --> 00:09:08,770 THINK GIRLS WOULD BE BETTER 205 00:09:08,767 --> 00:09:10,167 IMPRESSIONISTS SINCE MOST OF 206 00:09:10,167 --> 00:09:17,297 THEIR TIME IS MAKING FACES IN 207 00:09:17,300 --> 00:09:20,670 FRONT OF A MIRROR AND A FLEW HIM 208 00:09:20,667 --> 00:09:22,267 TO HOLLYWOOD FOR THIS WEEK'S WEB 209 00:09:22,267 --> 00:09:26,067 REDEMPTION. 210 00:09:26,067 --> 00:09:27,767 >> GOOD EVENING. 211 00:09:27,767 --> 00:09:33,167 AND WELCOME TO INSIDE THE ACTORS 212 00:09:33,167 --> 00:09:33,667 STUDIO. 213 00:09:33,667 --> 00:09:34,967 I'M JAMES LIPTON. 214 00:09:34,967 --> 00:09:36,427 IN SPIRIT OF THE EVENING I'LL 215 00:09:36,433 --> 00:09:41,233 HOST THE SHOW WHILE DOING AN 216 00:09:41,233 --> 00:09:44,703 IMPRESSION OF DANIEL TOSH. 217 00:09:44,700 --> 00:09:45,230 OKAY. 218 00:09:45,233 --> 00:09:50,133 LET'S MEET THE MAN BEHIND THE 219 00:09:50,133 --> 00:09:52,273 1,000 VOICE HAS IT SOUND 220 00:09:52,267 --> 00:09:53,127 SIMILAR. 221 00:09:53,133 --> 00:09:54,303 BRANDON McNEILY. 222 00:09:54,300 --> 00:09:55,070 >> HELLO. 223 00:09:55,067 --> 00:09:56,967 >> Tosh: YOU'RE SO STRONG AND 224 00:09:56,967 --> 00:09:58,067 I'M SO OLD. 225 00:09:58,067 --> 00:09:58,897 WHERE ARE YOU FROM? 226 00:09:58,900 --> 00:09:59,870 >> CHICAGO. 227 00:09:59,867 --> 00:10:02,627 A PLACE CALLED GLEN ELLEN, 228 00:10:02,633 --> 00:10:03,233 ILLINOIS. 229 00:10:03,233 --> 00:10:04,273 >> Tosh: HAVE YOU EVER LIVED IN 230 00:10:04,267 --> 00:10:04,927 LOS ANGELES? 231 00:10:04,933 --> 00:10:05,833 >> FOR A WHILE. 232 00:10:05,833 --> 00:10:07,003 >> Tosh: WERE YOU TRYING TO BE 233 00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:07,600 AN ACTOR. 234 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:09,800 >> AND AN ENTERTAINER. 235 00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:13,130 >> Tosh: WHAT WAS THE VIDEO WE 236 00:10:13,133 --> 00:10:13,833 WATCHED? 237 00:10:13,833 --> 00:10:21,103 >> A COMPILATION OF IMPRESSIONS 238 00:10:21,100 --> 00:10:21,800 FOR MY MANAGER. 239 00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:24,130 >> WE STARTED AN IMPROV EXERCISE 240 00:10:24,133 --> 00:10:25,933 IN COLLEGE AND TOOK FROM THERE. 241 00:10:25,933 --> 00:10:27,233 >> Tosh: THE BIG BREAK COMES 242 00:10:27,233 --> 00:10:28,373 WITH THE VIDEO. 243 00:10:28,367 --> 00:10:30,197 HOW DID SUCCESS CHANGE YOU? 244 00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:34,130 >> HUNGRIER TO COME BACK TO L.A. 245 00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:35,873 >> Tosh: DID WE BUY YOU A 246 00:10:35,867 --> 00:10:36,797 ONE-WAY TICKET? 247 00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:37,970 >> TWO-WAY. 248 00:10:37,967 --> 00:10:40,767 >> Tosh: WHAT'S THE KEY TO A 249 00:10:40,767 --> 00:10:42,027 SUCCESSFUL JOSH GROBIN 250 00:10:42,033 --> 00:10:42,703 IMPRESSION. 251 00:10:42,700 --> 00:10:43,570 >> SING LIKE HIM. 252 00:10:43,567 --> 00:10:44,797 >> Tosh: THAT'S YOUR STRONG 253 00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:45,300 SUIT. 254 00:10:45,300 --> 00:10:46,730 BUT WHEN YOU STARTED WITH I'M 255 00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:48,073 JOSH GROBIN. 256 00:10:48,067 --> 00:10:51,197 >> HI, I'M JOSH GROBIN. 257 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:52,700 >> Tosh: IT SEEMS WEIRD FOR AN 258 00:10:52,700 --> 00:10:55,230 IMPRESSION TO ANNOUNCE YOUR 259 00:10:55,233 --> 00:10:55,733 NAME. 260 00:10:55,733 --> 00:10:56,873 THINK HE EVER SAYS THAT? 261 00:10:56,867 --> 00:11:00,267 HE PROBABLY DOES BECAUSE HE'S A 262 00:11:00,267 --> 00:11:01,697 [BLEEP] BAG. 263 00:11:01,700 --> 00:11:02,830 HAVE YOU STRUCK WITH THE IRON 264 00:11:02,833 --> 00:11:04,403 WAS HOT WITH THE IMPRESSION. 265 00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:09,200 A MERE 30 SECONDS LATER ANGRY 266 00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:10,200 RUSSIAN IMPRESSION. 267 00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,170 >> SIX, SEVEN, PEOPLE, YOU SHUT 268 00:11:12,167 --> 00:11:12,527 UP. 269 00:11:12,533 --> 00:11:13,533 >> Tosh: DID YOU WORK AT THE 270 00:11:13,533 --> 00:11:17,503 RE 271 00:11:17,500 --> 00:11:18,070 RESTAURANT? 272 00:11:18,067 --> 00:11:19,967 >> I DID. 273 00:11:19,967 --> 00:11:22,597 >> Tosh: WHY WAS HE SO ANGRY. 274 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:23,600 WHAT RESTAURANT? 275 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:24,900 >> WOOD RANCH. 276 00:11:24,900 --> 00:11:27,600 >> Tosh: WHAT WAS THEIR SPECIAL 277 00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:28,400 HAS IT NIGHT. 278 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:30,570 >> BEEF BRISKET, 24 OUNCES. 279 00:11:30,567 --> 00:11:31,567 >> Tosh: THAT'S NICE. 280 00:11:31,567 --> 00:11:32,897 >> IT WAS GOOD. 281 00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:34,530 >> Tosh: WHO ARE YOUR INFLUENCES 282 00:11:34,533 --> 00:11:36,203 AS AN ACTOR. 283 00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:38,970 >> JOHN WAYNE, ROBERT DENIRO. 284 00:11:38,967 --> 00:11:42,697 >> Tosh: I DO A SPOT ON ROBERT 285 00:11:42,700 --> 00:11:43,500 DE NIRO. 286 00:11:43,500 --> 00:11:44,370 >> REALLY? 287 00:11:44,367 --> 00:11:46,267 >> Tosh: THAT'S ALL I GOT. 288 00:11:46,267 --> 00:11:48,667 YOU'RE EYES BUG OUT A LOT WHEN 289 00:11:48,667 --> 00:11:50,467 YOU DO IMPRESSION MIGHT YOU 290 00:11:50,467 --> 00:11:52,797 SUFFER FROM A THYROID CONDITION? 291 00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:55,100 >> I ACTUALLY DID HAVE THYROID 292 00:11:55,100 --> 00:11:55,770 CANCER. 293 00:11:55,767 --> 00:11:56,827 >> Tosh: WAY TO GO, JOE. 294 00:11:56,833 --> 00:11:59,573 GOOD QUESTION. 295 00:11:59,567 --> 00:12:00,967 COMPLETELY CURED? 296 00:12:00,967 --> 00:12:02,267 >> COMPLETELY CURED. 297 00:12:02,267 --> 00:12:09,067 >> Tosh: LET ME HEAR YOU DO A 298 00:12:09,067 --> 00:12:09,627 SEINFELD? 299 00:12:09,633 --> 00:12:10,173 >> GEORGE. 300 00:12:10,167 --> 00:12:14,727 >> Tosh: WHAT ABOUT KRAMER. 301 00:12:14,733 --> 00:12:17,203 DO AN IMPRESSION OF YOURSELF 302 00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:19,800 DOING AN IMPRESSION. 303 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:24,200 >> GEORGE W. BUSH, 43rd 304 00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:25,600 PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. 305 00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:28,670 >> Tosh: YOUR FAVORITE WORD? 306 00:12:28,667 --> 00:12:33,397 >> SCRUMPTIOUS. 307 00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:35,530 >> Tosh: NO. 308 00:12:35,533 --> 00:12:37,203 ANOTHER. 309 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,830 >> SMORGASBORD. 310 00:12:39,833 --> 00:12:41,073 >> Tosh: WHAT IMPRESSION WILL 311 00:12:41,067 --> 00:12:43,067 YOU DO AT THE PEARLY GATES? 312 00:12:43,067 --> 00:12:44,767 >> SCHWARZENEGGER. 313 00:12:44,767 --> 00:12:46,667 >> Tosh: THE CLASSICS. 314 00:12:46,667 --> 00:12:47,827 DO YOU EVER TAKE SUGGESTIONS 315 00:12:47,833 --> 00:12:49,433 FROM THE AUDIENCE? 316 00:12:49,433 --> 00:12:51,673 >> YES, I DO. 317 00:12:51,667 --> 00:12:53,897 >> Tosh: NOW I BELIEVE BOBBY HAS 318 00:12:53,900 --> 00:12:55,100 INVENTED SOMETHING CALLED KICK 319 00:12:55,100 --> 00:12:57,170 STARTER TO FUND HIS LATEST 320 00:12:57,167 --> 00:12:57,727 PROJECT. 321 00:12:57,733 --> 00:13:00,773 >> I GIVE YOU THE TRAILER FOR 322 00:13:00,767 --> 00:13:01,397 THANKSGIVING 323 00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:03,100 >> IF YOU HATE IMPRESSIONS OF 324 00:13:03,100 --> 00:13:05,130 THE HOLIDAYS THEN SEND YOUR 325 00:13:05,133 --> 00:13:06,673 FAMILY TO SEE THANKSGIVING FROM 326 00:13:06,667 --> 00:13:10,397 THE PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT YOU 327 00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:16,400 VALENTINE'S DAY AND NEW YEAR'S 328 00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:20,070 EVE STARRING BRANDON McNEILY AS 329 00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:20,867 OWEN WILSON. 330 00:13:20,867 --> 00:13:22,667 LUKE WILSON. 331 00:13:22,667 --> 00:13:23,427 OWEN WILSON. 332 00:13:23,433 --> 00:13:25,273 LUKE WILSON. 333 00:13:25,267 --> 00:13:30,667 >> LET ME GUESS YOU'LL KILL 334 00:13:30,667 --> 00:13:31,127 YOURSELF. 335 00:13:31,133 --> 00:13:34,933 >> MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY. 336 00:13:34,933 --> 00:13:35,873 WILLIAM SHATNER. 337 00:13:35,867 --> 00:13:40,467 >> BEAM ME UP A PLATE OF SLICED 338 00:13:40,467 --> 00:13:41,127 HAM. 339 00:13:41,133 --> 00:13:44,533 >> AND EDDIE MURPHY. 340 00:13:44,533 --> 00:13:47,073 JACK NICHOLSON. 341 00:13:47,067 --> 00:13:50,067 >> WHERE'S THE COKE. 342 00:13:50,067 --> 00:13:52,627 >> YOUNG JACK NICHOLSON. 343 00:13:52,633 --> 00:13:54,603 >> THE ANGRY RUSSIAN. 344 00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,130 JOSH GROBIN. 345 00:13:56,133 --> 00:13:58,273 >> HI, I'M JOSH GROBIN. 346 00:13:58,267 --> 00:14:00,967 THIS IS HOW YOU PASS THE GREEN 347 00:14:00,967 --> 00:14:01,727 BEANS. 348 00:14:01,733 --> 00:14:02,633 YOU RAISE IT UP. 349 00:14:02,633 --> 00:14:04,373 ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. 350 00:14:04,367 --> 00:14:05,897 >> JOHN TRAVOLTA. 351 00:14:05,900 --> 00:14:08,900 >> HEY, PASS THE CRANBERRY 352 00:14:08,900 --> 00:14:09,370 SAUCE. 353 00:14:09,367 --> 00:14:10,297 >> CLARITA. 354 00:14:10,300 --> 00:14:12,630 >> I WISH THERE WAS A CACTUS I 355 00:14:12,633 --> 00:14:14,473 COULD NAP ON. 356 00:14:14,467 --> 00:14:16,227 >> ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER. 357 00:14:16,233 --> 00:14:18,173 >> YOUR HOUSE KEEPER'S 358 00:14:18,167 --> 00:14:18,697 ATTRACTIVE. 359 00:14:18,700 --> 00:14:19,930 >> THERE WAS AN E-MAIL. 360 00:14:19,933 --> 00:14:20,733 THAT'S FUNNY. 361 00:14:20,733 --> 00:14:22,203 >> AND TARA REID. 362 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:24,200 >> WHERE'S MY PAYCHECK? 363 00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:26,400 >> IN THANKSGIVING IN THEATERS 364 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:34,100 EVERYWHERE THIS EASTER. 365 00:14:34,100 --> 00:14:36,300 >> Tosh: THAT GUY DOES A SPOT ON 366 00:14:36,300 --> 00:14:37,930 TARA REID. 367 00:14:37,933 --> 00:14:39,203 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST 368 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:40,630 CAN YOU REPEAT THE QUESTION? 369 00:14:40,633 --> 00:14:41,703 >> NEXT QUESTION. 370 00:14:41,700 --> 00:14:46,230 >> UM, I WAS WONDERING WHAT'S 371 00:14:46,233 --> 00:14:49,073 THE RECOMMENDED AMOUNT OF WHAM I 372 00:14:49,067 --> 00:14:59,397 SHOULD HAVE TO SERVE? 373 00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:10,270 I'M SORRY. 374 00:15:10,267 --> 00:15:11,067 >> 375 00:15:11,067 --> 00:15:14,567 >> Tosh: I WONDER IF THEY THROW 376 00:15:14,567 --> 00:15:16,467 TOOTSIE ROLLS TO THE CROWD. 377 00:15:16,467 --> 00:15:19,067 WHO DOESN'T LOVE A GO PARADE 378 00:15:19,067 --> 00:15:21,497 OTHER THAN J.F.K. 379 00:15:21,500 --> 00:15:26,970 LET'S BE HONEST, EVERY PARADE IS 380 00:15:26,967 --> 00:15:29,727 A GAY PARADE. 381 00:15:29,733 --> 00:15:32,073 ALL YOU HOMOPHOBES ARE WATCHING 382 00:15:32,067 --> 00:15:35,397 YOUR FOOTBALL I WILL PROUDLY BE 383 00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:38,600 SERVING AS GRAND MARSHALL AS THE 384 00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:40,830 FIRST EVER MACY'S GAY 385 00:15:40,833 --> 00:15:42,903 THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE. 386 00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:46,370 WE'RE COMING TO YOU LIVE. 387 00:15:46,367 --> 00:15:49,067 NOTHING BUT SPIGOTS ON NBC. 388 00:15:49,067 --> 00:15:52,727 HERE COMES BUZZ LIGHTYEAR MAKING 389 00:15:52,733 --> 00:15:54,333 THE INTERNATIONAL GESTURE FOR 390 00:15:54,333 --> 00:15:55,373 JERKING OFF. 391 00:15:55,367 --> 00:16:03,767 YOU KNOW WHO WOULD KNOW IS RYAN 392 00:16:03,767 --> 00:16:06,697 SEAS CREST. 393 00:16:06,700 --> 00:16:10,970 SAY HELLO TO PEPPERMINT PATTY. 394 00:16:10,967 --> 00:16:13,697 >> AND HERE'S BERT AND ERNIE. 395 00:16:13,700 --> 00:16:15,300 >> THOSE TWO ENJOY STUFFING ALL 396 00:16:15,300 --> 00:16:17,800 YEAR LONG. 397 00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:20,900 >> IT DOESN'T GET OLD UP HERE, 398 00:16:20,900 --> 00:16:21,370 RYAN. 399 00:16:21,367 --> 00:16:24,067 HERE TO REPRESENT THE BEAR 400 00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:25,197 COMMUNITY, SPANISH CLAUS. 401 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:27,100 >> I'D LIKE TO GET MY HANDS ON 402 00:16:27,100 --> 00:16:28,600 HIS SACK OF GOODIES. 403 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:30,430 >> THE SOUND OF CHILDREN 404 00:16:30,433 --> 00:16:31,773 SCREAMING CAN ONLY MEAN ONE 405 00:16:31,767 --> 00:16:32,867 THING, HERE COMES ELMO. 406 00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:35,067 >> WATCH OUT, KIDS, DON'T THREAT 407 00:16:35,067 --> 00:16:36,297 THAT PUPPET TOUCH YOU. 408 00:16:36,300 --> 00:16:38,700 >> OR RYAN. 409 00:16:38,700 --> 00:16:39,600 WHAT A POSE. 410 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:42,500 THE ELF ON THE SHELF LOOKS READY 411 00:16:42,500 --> 00:16:43,400 FOR ANYTHING. 412 00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:48,970 >> UH-OH, THE METLIFE PENIS 413 00:16:48,967 --> 00:16:51,567 BLIMP IS COMING EARLY. 414 00:16:51,567 --> 00:16:54,327 >> ISN'T THAT PEDOPHILIA? 415 00:16:54,333 --> 00:16:57,233 >> RYAN, IT'S TIME FOR THE 416 00:16:57,233 --> 00:17:02,203 McKINLEY HIGH ALL-NUDE DUDE 417 00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:04,070 MARCHING BAN. 418 00:17:04,067 --> 00:17:05,327 >> WHO'S COMPLAINING, HEY? 419 00:17:05,333 --> 00:17:07,573 >> RYAN, LET'S GET INTO THE 420 00:17:07,567 --> 00:17:09,797 THANKSGIVING SPIRIT WITH A RIDE 421 00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:13,870 ON THE GAY FLOWER. 422 00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:16,497 >> DID YOU KNOW THE FIRST WAS ON 423 00:17:16,500 --> 00:17:17,500 PLYMOUTH COCK. 424 00:17:17,500 --> 00:17:18,800 >> I'M NOT TOUCHING THIS ONE BUT 425 00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:21,070 I KNOW WHO WILL, RYAN. 426 00:17:21,067 --> 00:17:23,167 I'D LIKE TO THANK OUR COURAGEOUS 427 00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:25,067 SPONSORS FOR BEING SO 428 00:17:25,067 --> 00:17:26,397 PROGRESSIVE. 429 00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:29,730 I'M DANIEL TOSH, HAPPY 430 00:17:29,733 --> 00:17:31,273 THANKSGIVING. 431 00:17:31,267 --> 00:17:36,827 >> YOU MEAN HAPPY THANKS GAYING. 432 00:17:36,833 --> 00:17:38,673 >> THEY MAY WANT TO PASS WITH 433 00:17:38,667 --> 00:17:41,197 THE STREET SCREENERS. 434 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:44,870 HAVE REPLACEMENT BRUSH HEADS 435 00:17:44,867 --> 00:17:45,367 HANDY. 436 00:17:45,367 --> 00:17:54,327 THE GLUE WILL MESS UP THE 437 00:17:54,333 --> 00:17:55,073 BRISTLES. 438 00:17:55,067 --> 00:17:57,897 >> I DON'T UNDERSTAND. 439 00:17:57,900 --> 00:17:58,970 ME, I STAY HARD. 440 00:17:58,967 --> 00:18:00,567 >> Tosh: THE ONLY THING THAT'S 441 00:18:00,567 --> 00:18:02,767 SOFT ABOUT HIM IS ARE HIS HANDS. 442 00:18:02,767 --> 00:18:04,827 BECAUSE HE MOISTURIZES. 443 00:18:04,833 --> 00:18:06,103 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST 444 00:18:06,100 --> 00:18:08,130 EVERYBODY KNOWS REDHEADS CAME 445 00:18:08,133 --> 00:18:09,673 ABOUT WHEN A HAIRLESS CAT TAUGHT 446 00:18:09,667 --> 00:18:18,667 HIMSELF TO READ. 447 00:18:18,667 --> 00:18:20,167 >> Tosh: WELCOME BACK. 448 00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:20,827 IT'S ALMOST BLACK FRIDAY. 449 00:18:20,833 --> 00:18:22,373 I GOT TO END THIS SHOW SOON TO 450 00:18:22,367 --> 00:18:23,727 GET IN LINE AT BEST BUY. 451 00:18:23,733 --> 00:18:25,633 THEY HAVE AN ALL-IN ONE PRINTER 452 00:18:25,633 --> 00:18:29,803 FOR $99. 453 00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:31,370 I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE THE 454 00:18:31,367 --> 00:18:32,667 DEAL'S TOO GOOD TO PASS UP. 455 00:18:32,667 --> 00:18:35,267 NEXT WEEK I SHOOT THE [BLEEP] 456 00:18:35,267 --> 00:18:37,067 WITH THIS BAG LADY. 457 00:18:37,067 --> 00:18:38,797 >> I'LL BE SHOWING YOU HOW TO 458 00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:39,630 CHANGE YOUR BAG. 459 00:18:39,633 --> 00:18:41,273 THERE'S SOME THINGS I WANT TO 460 00:18:41,267 --> 00:18:42,597 TALK ABOUT BEFORE I TAKE THIS 461 00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:44,170 OFF SO I'M NOT DRIPPING ALL OVER 462 00:18:44,167 --> 00:18:45,727 THE PLACE. 463 00:18:45,733 --> 00:18:46,903 >> Tosh: NO BIG DEAL. 464 00:18:46,900 --> 00:18:48,930 I'VE [BLEEP] IN A BAG BEFORE AND 465 00:18:48,933 --> 00:18:51,233 MADE MY ASSISTANT CARE TRY 466 00:18:51,233 --> 00:18:52,703 THROUGH A MUSIC FESTIVAL. 467 00:18:52,700 --> 00:18:58,670 DON'T GO TO MY BLOG FOR MY 468 00:18:58,667 --> 00:19:01,827 CHUTNEY AND BRICKLEBERRY IS BACK 469 00:19:01,833 --> 00:19:03,973 AND THERE'S RUMORS MALLOY WON'T 470 00:19:03,967 --> 00:19:05,367 BE BACK NEXT YEAR. 471 00:19:05,367 --> 00:19:08,097 NOW, RECENTLY THE SCIENTISTS AT 472 00:19:08,100 --> 00:19:10,070 TIME MAGAZINE DISCOVERED A 473 00:19:10,067 --> 00:19:11,327 FORMULA TO DETERMINE THE WORTH 474 00:19:11,333 --> 00:19:12,803 OF SOMEONE'S TWITTER HANDLE LIKE 475 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:14,070 THE FREQUENCY OF TWEETS AND 476 00:19:14,067 --> 00:19:15,967 NUMBER OF FOLLOWERS TO GET AN 477 00:19:15,967 --> 00:19:22,067 EXACT MONETARY VALUE. 478 00:19:22,067 --> 00:19:27,067 MY WRITER HAS 9,000 FOLLOWERS. 479 00:19:27,067 --> 00:19:28,827 THAT'S WORTH $56. 480 00:19:28,833 --> 00:19:29,903 SHE IS POOR. 481 00:19:29,900 --> 00:19:31,670 ONE DIRECTION IS WORTH $2.5 482 00:19:31,667 --> 00:19:33,127 MILLION BUT KEEP IN MIND THEY 483 00:19:33,133 --> 00:19:34,603 HAVE TO SPLIT THAT FIVE WAYS OR 484 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:35,300 MAYBE SIX. 485 00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:38,330 AN ASSUME THEY HAVE TO INCLUDE 486 00:19:38,333 --> 00:19:39,533 SOME WEIRD OLD SEX OFFENDER THAT 487 00:19:39,533 --> 00:19:41,703 MANAGES THEM. 488 00:19:41,700 --> 00:19:43,670 THIS IS INTERESTING, MARKEY 489 00:19:43,667 --> 00:19:50,197 MARK'S TWITTER IS ONLY WORTH 490 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:50,770 $1,000. 491 00:19:50,767 --> 00:19:51,327 OH, MY GOD. 492 00:19:51,333 --> 00:19:52,503 IT'D BE WORTH MORE IF YOU 493 00:19:52,500 --> 00:19:54,830 STOPPED 9-11 LIKE YOU PROMISED. 494 00:19:54,833 --> 00:19:56,103 HE GUY'S SELFISH. 495 00:19:56,100 --> 00:19:57,170 COULD HAVE STOPPED IT. 496 00:19:57,167 --> 00:19:59,127 CHOSE NOT TO. 497 00:19:59,133 --> 00:20:01,203 NOW, GARY MANN IS THE EXECUTIVE 498 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,670 OF COMEDY CENTRAL IN CHARGE OF 499 00:20:02,667 --> 00:20:03,267 THIS SHOW. 500 00:20:03,267 --> 00:20:05,397 LET'S SEE HOW MUCH HIS TWITTER'S 501 00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:06,270 WORTH. 502 00:20:06,267 --> 00:20:07,327 A DOLLAR? 503 00:20:07,333 --> 00:20:08,903 SEEMS OVERVALUED. 504 00:20:08,900 --> 00:20:10,770 WE'LL LEAVE HIS HANDLE UP FOR A 505 00:20:10,767 --> 00:20:11,197 WHILE. 506 00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:13,630 MAKE SURE YOU GUYS GET THAT. 507 00:20:13,633 --> 00:20:17,103 THAT'S @ THE REAL GARY MANN. 508 00:20:17,100 --> 00:20:18,700 HE ALWAYS WELL COMES STEVE BACK 509 00:20:18,700 --> 00:20:21,930 OR JUST HATEFUL INCONSULTS. 510 00:20:21,933 --> 00:20:22,833 JUSTIN BEIBER. 511 00:20:22,833 --> 00:20:24,203 THIS WILL MAKE EVERYONE SPINNING 512 00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:30,400 HIS TWITTERCCOUNT IS WORTH $21 513 00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:31,200 MILLION. 514 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:33,430 THAT'S GOING TO BUY SO SOUTH 515 00:20:33,433 --> 00:20:34,303 AMERICAN WHORES. 516 00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:36,630 I MEAN GOOD ONES TOO. 517 00:20:36,633 --> 00:20:37,273 HOOTERS. 518 00:20:37,267 --> 00:20:39,467 ONLY WORTH $3500. 519 00:20:39,467 --> 00:20:41,567 YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD MAKE THAT 520 00:20:41,567 --> 00:20:42,727 WORTH MORE? 521 00:20:42,733 --> 00:20:47,903 TONS OF TIT PICKS. 522 00:20:47,900 --> 00:20:49,670 YOU'RE LEANING OVER A GOLD MINE 523 00:20:49,667 --> 00:20:52,367 AND DON'T KNOW IT. 524 00:20:52,367 --> 00:20:54,097 LET'S SEE HOW MUCH DANIEL TOSH 525 00:20:54,100 --> 00:20:56,000 IS WORTH. 526 00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:58,200 $4.1 MILLION? 527 00:20:58,200 --> 00:20:58,670 SOLD. 528 00:20:58,667 --> 00:21:03,767 THE FIRST TO FORK IT OVER WILL 529 00:21:03,767 --> 00:21:06,227 GET EXCLUSIVE PAYMENT. 530 00:21:06,233 --> 00:21:08,073 SEND DID OVER TO THE "TOSH.0" 531 00:21:08,067 --> 00:21:09,327 OFFICES AND WE'LL MAKE IT 532 00:21:09,333 --> 00:21:09,803 HAPPEN. 533 00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:10,270 GOOD NIGHT. 534 00:21:17,700 --> 00:21:19,600 >> Tosh: THIS QUESTION IS FOR 535 00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:21,230 KENDALL JENNER. 536 00:21:21,233 --> 00:21:22,473 WHAT WOULD YOU SAY YOU TASTE 537 00:21:22,467 --> 00:21:22,767 LIKE? 538 00:21:22,767 --> 00:21:25,827 >> I WOULD HAVE TO SAY A TAFFY 539 00:21:25,833 --> 00:21:26,373 APPLE. 33275

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