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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:11,700 --> 00:00:30,370 [ DISCLAIMER ] 2 00:00:30,367 --> 00:00:46,127 [ SCREAMING ] 3 00:00:48,100 --> 00:00:56,830 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 4 00:00:56,833 --> 00:00:59,773 >> Tosh: NEVER SCARE A MAN USING 5 00:00:59,767 --> 00:01:02,067 A MEAT SLICER. 6 00:01:02,067 --> 00:01:03,697 A MEAT SLICER. 7 00:01:03,700 --> 00:01:04,870 WELCOME TO "TOSH.0." 8 00:01:04,867 --> 00:01:06,597 HEY, KIDS, INSTEAD OF BEGGING 9 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,670 FOR FOOD ON HALLOWEEN LIME SOME 10 00:01:08,667 --> 00:01:10,667 KIND OF SHIFTLESS BUM WHY DON'T 11 00:01:10,667 --> 00:01:13,597 YOU GET A JOB AND BUY YOU'RE OWN 12 00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:13,930 CANDY. 13 00:01:13,933 --> 00:01:16,103 HAVE SOME SELF-RESPECT. 14 00:01:16,100 --> 00:01:17,170 YOU CHILDREN DISGUST ME. 15 00:01:17,167 --> 00:01:19,397 TONIGHT ON THE SHOW I WORKUP A 16 00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:20,900 SWEAT WITH THIS FITNESS FREAK 17 00:01:20,900 --> 00:01:24,430 AND LET MY STAFF GET BUZZED AT 18 00:01:24,433 --> 00:01:27,603 WORK AND GIVE SOLDIER'S FAMILIES 19 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:28,630 HORRIFYING NEWS. 20 00:01:28,633 --> 00:01:29,803 FOOL HIM ONCE SHAME ON YOU, FOOL 21 00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:31,770 HIM 87 TIMES YOU MAY BE PICKING 22 00:01:31,767 --> 00:01:35,727 ON SOMEONE WITH SPECIAL NEEDS. 23 00:01:35,733 --> 00:01:38,303 I HOPE WORKMAN'S COMP COVERS HIS 24 00:01:38,300 --> 00:01:39,170 DIRTY DRAWERS. 25 00:01:39,167 --> 00:01:44,797 THE GUY'S POOP HIS PANTS. 26 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:46,270 STOP CLOWNING AROUND AND HELP 27 00:01:46,267 --> 00:01:48,967 HIM PEEL 1,000 POTATOS. 28 00:01:48,967 --> 00:01:50,497 THAT BACKFIRED WHEN I TRIED TO 29 00:01:50,500 --> 00:01:53,670 PULL A SIMILAR FRANK ON THE DEAF 30 00:01:53,667 --> 00:01:56,967 GUY IN OUR OFFICE. 31 00:01:56,967 --> 00:02:04,367 [ SCREAMING ] 32 00:02:04,367 --> 00:02:08,467 >> Tosh: LATER, I PRANKED OUR 33 00:02:08,467 --> 00:02:10,097 OFFICE BLIND BUY BY INTRODUCING 34 00:02:10,100 --> 00:02:12,400 HIM TO A WOMAN THAT WAS A 35 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:12,970 CACTUS. 36 00:02:12,967 --> 00:02:14,367 HIS HANDS GOT PRICKED UP WHEN HE 37 00:02:14,367 --> 00:02:15,797 TRIED TO FEEL HER FACE. 38 00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:17,370 BLIND PEOPLE. 39 00:02:17,367 --> 00:02:18,267 LOTS OF LAUGH. 40 00:02:18,267 --> 00:02:19,927 NOW EARLY DID THEY HAVE TO BOOK 41 00:02:19,933 --> 00:02:21,703 TO SECURE HIS INTERSECTION. 42 00:02:21,700 --> 00:02:25,470 THAT'S BREATH TAKING. 43 00:02:25,467 --> 00:02:27,127 YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF PERSON 44 00:02:27,133 --> 00:02:28,773 WOULD DO THAT? 45 00:02:28,767 --> 00:02:30,167 A PERSON WITH A T-MOBILE 46 00:02:30,167 --> 00:02:31,897 SIDEKICK. 47 00:02:31,900 --> 00:02:33,300 IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME SORT OF 48 00:02:33,300 --> 00:02:35,070 SIGN TELLING HIM NOT TO GO 49 00:02:35,067 --> 00:02:37,667 THROUGH WITH THIS. 50 00:02:37,667 --> 00:02:44,127 USE THE STOP SIGN. 51 00:02:44,133 --> 00:02:45,233 [LAUGHTER] 52 00:02:45,233 --> 00:02:47,373 >> Tosh: OH, YOU NEEDED THAT? 53 00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:48,827 MAYBE SHE THINKS THE VEIL MAKE 54 00:02:48,833 --> 00:02:50,903 HER IN VISIBLE. 55 00:02:50,900 --> 00:02:53,630 LETTING ALL THE DUDES FROM BLACK 56 00:02:53,633 --> 00:02:56,173 PEOPLE MEET DOT COM LETTING HER 57 00:02:56,167 --> 00:02:57,797 KNOW SHE'S OFF THE MARKET. 58 00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:00,070 I'VE HAD A MOMENT RUIN A MOMENT 59 00:03:00,067 --> 00:03:01,067 OR TWO. 60 00:03:01,067 --> 00:03:02,497 I COULD NOT IMAGINE A LIFE 61 00:03:02,500 --> 00:03:04,300 WITHOUT ME IN IT. 62 00:03:04,300 --> 00:03:05,070 SORRY. 63 00:03:05,067 --> 00:03:06,397 COLIN QUINN MUST HAVE TWEETED 64 00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:08,330 I GET A NOTIFICATION EVERY TIME 65 00:03:08,333 --> 00:03:12,073 HE SENDS ONE. 66 00:03:12,067 --> 00:03:13,927 WILL I WHAT? 67 00:03:13,933 --> 00:03:15,533 >> Tosh: SORRY. 68 00:03:15,533 --> 00:03:18,373 A NEW POLL SAYS 60% OF THE 69 00:03:18,367 --> 00:03:19,897 PEOPLE DON'T TRUST CONGRESS. 70 00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:22,830 I CAN MAKE JOKES ABOUT THAT ONE 71 00:03:22,833 --> 00:03:24,633 ALL DAY. 72 00:03:24,633 --> 00:03:25,473 WHATA-SET UP. 73 00:03:25,467 --> 00:03:26,597 >> HE'S TROLLING. 74 00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:27,830 JUST A GIANT TROLL. 75 00:03:27,833 --> 00:03:29,203 >> WHEN I I WHAT? 76 00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:32,070 >> Tosh: I WONDER WHEN MY EX IS 77 00:03:32,067 --> 00:03:33,097 UP TO. 78 00:03:33,100 --> 00:03:34,070 SHE LOOKS GOOD. 79 00:03:34,067 --> 00:03:36,397 I WANTED TO ASK HER TO MARRY ME 80 00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:38,170 AT AT&T PARK BUT IT WAS ALREADY 81 00:03:38,167 --> 00:03:39,667 BEING RENTED OUT FOR ANOTHER 82 00:03:39,667 --> 00:03:41,067 FAKE PROPOSAL. 83 00:03:41,067 --> 00:03:41,767 ALL RIGHT. 84 00:03:41,767 --> 00:03:43,327 SO THE COOL THING ABOUT 85 00:03:43,333 --> 00:03:44,773 CONCUSSIONS IS THAT YOU DON'T 86 00:03:44,767 --> 00:03:49,127 ALWAYS KNOW YOU HAVE ONE. 87 00:03:49,133 --> 00:03:50,573 >> WHOA! 88 00:03:50,567 --> 00:03:54,627 THAT WAS BEAUTIFULLY CAUGHT AND 89 00:03:54,633 --> 00:04:03,073 -- IT'S CAUGHT. 90 00:04:03,067 --> 00:04:04,267 >> Tosh: ALL THAT MATTERS IN 91 00:04:04,267 --> 00:04:09,797 LIFE IS THINKING YOU WON. 92 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:12,630 >> STOP THE FIGHT. 93 00:04:12,633 --> 00:04:14,603 >> Tosh: MAKING A MEMORABLE EXIT 94 00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:16,500 IS JUST AS IMPORTANT. 95 00:04:16,500 --> 00:04:17,670 PRETTY CONFIDENT IN THE JUDGE 96 00:04:17,667 --> 00:04:20,197 FROM NEVADA GOT IT WRONG TOO. 97 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:20,700 OKAY. 98 00:04:20,700 --> 00:04:21,830 HERE'S THE QUICKEST WAY TO MAKE 99 00:04:21,833 --> 00:04:23,073 A TREEHOUSE. 100 00:04:23,067 --> 00:04:26,197 ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S THE PLAN HERE? 101 00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:27,070 CHOPPING DOWN THE BIG TREE 102 00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:28,467 TODAY. 103 00:04:28,467 --> 00:04:32,097 OH, [BLEEP]. 104 00:04:32,100 --> 00:04:33,800 NOT ALL BAD NEWS. 105 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:36,600 GOT ANOTHER DIY PROJECT TO 106 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:37,570 TACKLE NEXT WEEKEND. 107 00:04:37,567 --> 00:04:39,267 THE OLD BALL AND CHAIN SHOULD BE 108 00:04:39,267 --> 00:04:39,827 HAPPY. 109 00:04:39,833 --> 00:04:41,103 SHE'S ALWAYS NAGGING ABOUT NOT 110 00:04:41,100 --> 00:04:42,200 HAVING ENOUGH PLANTS IN THE 111 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:42,870 HOUSE. 112 00:04:42,867 --> 00:04:45,467 HAPPY NOW, HONEY. 113 00:04:45,467 --> 00:04:48,367 NEXT TIME GO TO HOME DEPOT AND 114 00:04:48,367 --> 00:04:49,597 PICK UP A COUPLE GOOD STRONG 115 00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:53,100 MEXICANS LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. 116 00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:55,130 I WAS GOING TO CHOP DOWN A TREE 117 00:04:55,133 --> 00:04:58,703 IT IT WOULD BE THAT NO GOOD 118 00:04:58,700 --> 00:05:00,400 TICKET OAK GOUGING MY FANS. 119 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,130 YOU'RE ON MY LIST, TICKET OAK. 120 00:05:03,133 --> 00:05:04,933 NOW, LET'S SEE IF THE NEXT KID 121 00:05:04,933 --> 00:05:05,833 LEARNED ANYTHING IN SCHOOL 122 00:05:05,833 --> 00:05:18,973 TODAY. 123 00:05:18,967 --> 00:05:21,627 [LAUGHTER] 124 00:05:21,633 --> 00:05:23,803 >> Tosh: TRADE IN YOUR HALL PASS 125 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:26,500 FOR A HANDICAPPED PARKING PASS. 126 00:05:26,500 --> 00:05:29,900 BET HE'S NOT MISSING AN AP CLASS 127 00:05:29,900 --> 00:05:31,300 TO DO THIS. 128 00:05:31,300 --> 00:05:32,430 ALL THE SENIORS WILL RESPECT HIM 129 00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:35,733 NOW. 130 00:05:35,733 --> 00:05:36,833 THERE'S YOUR PROBLEM. 131 00:05:36,833 --> 00:05:39,503 HE'S WEARING JORDANS. 132 00:05:39,500 --> 00:05:41,700 PUT ON SOME BRON AND PLAY LIKE A 133 00:05:41,700 --> 00:05:43,230 CHAMPION NOT THE SHOES OF SOME 134 00:05:43,233 --> 00:05:45,403 NBA OWNER WHO'S TEAM CAN BARELY 135 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:46,270 GET TEN WINS. 136 00:05:46,267 --> 00:05:47,927 SHOULDN'T JORDAN HAVE A LINE OF 137 00:05:47,933 --> 00:05:48,873 DRESS SHOES BY NOW? 138 00:05:48,867 --> 00:05:50,667 WHAT'S NEXT? 139 00:05:50,667 --> 00:05:54,327 >> I GOT DOB ABLE TO CLAMP ONTO 140 00:05:54,333 --> 00:05:54,703 IT. 141 00:05:54,700 --> 00:05:55,970 OH, YEAH. 142 00:05:55,967 --> 00:05:58,297 >> Tosh: IF YOU DON'T GO TO A 143 00:05:58,300 --> 00:05:59,430 JEWISH DENTIST YOU MIGHT BE A 144 00:05:59,433 --> 00:06:01,373 REDNECK. 145 00:06:01,367 --> 00:06:03,227 NOW, LET'S FIND OUT WHY THE ONLY 146 00:06:03,233 --> 00:06:04,573 THING WORSE THAN GOING TO THE 147 00:06:04,567 --> 00:06:06,167 DENTIST IS NOT GOING TO THE 148 00:06:06,167 --> 00:06:07,127 DENTIST IN THIS WEEK'S 149 00:06:07,133 --> 00:06:10,703 BREAKDOWN. 150 00:06:10,700 --> 00:06:14,070 IT'S 2:30 IN EAST TEXAS. 151 00:06:14,067 --> 00:06:16,797 2:30? 152 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:18,870 IT DOESN'T GET OLD. 153 00:06:18,867 --> 00:06:21,697 TURNS OUT A LIFETIME OF 154 00:06:21,700 --> 00:06:23,630 CHATTANOOGA CHEW AND EATING 155 00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:27,273 RACOON JERKY ISN'T GOOD FOR YOU. 156 00:06:27,267 --> 00:06:30,127 YOU CAN HARDLY BLAME JOHNNY 157 00:06:30,133 --> 00:06:31,403 FOOTBALL FOR WANTING TO GET OUT 158 00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:32,800 OF THAT PODUNK TOWN. 159 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:35,070 TRUST HIM, HE KNOWS A GUY THAT 160 00:06:35,067 --> 00:06:37,067 ONCE WENT TO A REAL DENTIST. 161 00:06:37,067 --> 00:06:39,867 OOH, CITY FOLK. 162 00:06:39,867 --> 00:06:41,397 I DON'T RECKON THE MULTI TOOL'S 163 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:45,130 BEEN APPROVED BY THE ADA BUT I'M 164 00:06:45,133 --> 00:06:47,173 SURE HE STERILIZED AT THE CRICK. 165 00:06:47,167 --> 00:06:51,297 WHAT ELSE LET'S YOU PULL A TOOTH 166 00:06:51,300 --> 00:06:54,070 AND CUT EYE HOLES IN YOUR 167 00:06:54,067 --> 00:06:54,627 PILLOWCASE. 168 00:06:54,633 --> 00:06:59,233 DON'T YANK THE WRONG ONE, HAS. 169 00:06:59,233 --> 00:07:01,073 IN FAIRNESS THE GINGIVITIS DID 170 00:07:01,067 --> 00:07:02,367 MOST OF THE WORK. 171 00:07:02,367 --> 00:07:03,827 DON'T BOTHER PUTTING IT UNDER 172 00:07:03,833 --> 00:07:04,633 YOUR PILLOW. 173 00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:07,133 THE LAST TIME THE TOOTH FAIRY 174 00:07:07,133 --> 00:07:08,733 VISITED THESE PARTS THEY DRAGGED 175 00:07:08,733 --> 00:07:10,473 HIM BEHIND A PICKUP TRUCK. 176 00:07:10,467 --> 00:07:11,727 I THOUGHT THE TOOTH FAIRY WAS 177 00:07:11,733 --> 00:07:12,433 THE GIRL. 178 00:07:12,433 --> 00:07:14,803 TELL THAT TO THE ROCK. 179 00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:15,870 >> YOU'RE GOOD. 180 00:07:15,867 --> 00:07:17,267 IT DONE STOPPED BLEEDING 181 00:07:17,267 --> 00:07:17,797 ALREADY. 182 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:18,830 >> Tosh: THIS IS THE MOST 183 00:07:18,833 --> 00:07:21,103 PAINFUL THING HE CAN IMAGINE 184 00:07:21,100 --> 00:07:22,230 BESIDES SEEING A BLACK PERSON 185 00:07:22,233 --> 00:07:27,233 BECOME PRESIDENT. 186 00:07:27,233 --> 00:07:29,403 PRESCRIPTION PILLS AND JACK? 187 00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:31,230 MY DENTIST ONLY GIVES MY 188 00:07:31,233 --> 00:07:32,203 TOOTHPASTE AND FLOSS. 189 00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:33,730 I TELL HIM TO KEEP THE BRUSH 190 00:07:33,733 --> 00:07:40,903 BECAUSE I HAVE A SONICARE 191 00:07:40,900 --> 00:07:41,700 DIAMOND CLEAN. 192 00:07:41,700 --> 00:07:43,870 GOOD LUCK KEEP YOUR BUDDY'S 193 00:07:43,867 --> 00:07:45,867 DONGS OUT OF THAT GLORY HOLE. 194 00:07:45,867 --> 00:07:49,197 MAKING FUN OF HE HICKS IS LIKE 195 00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:52,170 PULLING TEETH AND FOR THAT WE 196 00:07:52,167 --> 00:07:53,227 THANK YOU. 197 00:07:53,233 --> 00:07:55,303 FIRST I THOUGHT IT WOULD A TREAT 198 00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:57,070 TO SEE THE AUDIENCE WATCHING THE 199 00:07:57,067 --> 00:07:59,527 VIDEO I FORCED HEM TO WATCH 200 00:07:59,533 --> 00:08:10,073 DURING THE COMMERCIAL BREAK. 201 00:08:16,100 --> 00:08:18,300 >> LET ME SHOW YOU HOW US 202 00:08:18,300 --> 00:08:18,970 DANCERS STAY IN SHAPE 203 00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:20,470 . 204 00:08:20,467 --> 00:08:22,067 WE'RE GOING TO WORK OUR LOWER 205 00:08:22,067 --> 00:08:24,297 BODY, LEGS, SPECIFICALLY 206 00:08:24,300 --> 00:08:26,070 ESPECIALLY THE LEGS AND THE 207 00:08:26,067 --> 00:08:26,627 BUNS. 208 00:08:26,633 --> 00:08:27,303 THE BUTT. 209 00:08:27,300 --> 00:08:30,070 THE BUTT, BUTT, BUTT. 210 00:08:30,067 --> 00:08:34,367 BUTT, BUTT. 211 00:08:34,367 --> 00:08:35,467 DON'T TELL ME YOU HAVE 15 212 00:08:35,467 --> 00:08:36,667 MINUTES A DAY TO SPEND ON 213 00:08:36,667 --> 00:08:43,197 YOURSELF. 214 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:44,070 >> Tosh: DIPS. 215 00:08:44,067 --> 00:08:46,697 THE VICHLEN YOU CAN'T TAKE YOUR 216 00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:48,600 EYES OFF OF IS JILL AND WHEN 217 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:51,330 SHE'S NOT ROCKING THE VELVET 218 00:08:51,333 --> 00:08:52,403 LEOTARD SHE'S SHOWING OTHER 219 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:53,970 PEOPLE HOW TO GET IT. 220 00:08:53,967 --> 00:08:57,427 SHE CREATED A NEW EXERCISE 221 00:08:57,433 --> 00:09:00,173 REGIMENT CALLED HEADBANGERS 222 00:09:00,167 --> 00:09:02,167 WORKOUT AND MY BODY'S DISGUSTING 223 00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:03,797 AND I'M OKAY WITH IT. 224 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:05,430 I'VE NEVER BEEN TO A SPIN CLASS 225 00:09:05,433 --> 00:09:08,233 BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO GO ON 226 00:09:08,233 --> 00:09:11,073 IMAGINARY BIKE RIDE WITH 50 227 00:09:11,067 --> 00:09:12,227 CHICKS WHILE BEING SCREAMED AT 228 00:09:12,233 --> 00:09:13,203 BY A MAN. 229 00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:15,330 I BELIEVE WOMEN ONLY EXERCISE TO 230 00:09:15,333 --> 00:09:17,173 MAKE THEIR CHUBBY FRIENDS FEEL 231 00:09:17,167 --> 00:09:18,767 WORSE ABOUT THEMSELVES. 232 00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:19,867 CRO 233 00:09:19,867 --> 00:09:21,467 CROSSFIT IS FOR LADIES WHO DON'T 234 00:09:21,467 --> 00:09:23,667 WANT TO BE FAT OR ATTRACTIVE 235 00:09:23,667 --> 00:09:24,097 EVER. 236 00:09:24,100 --> 00:09:25,330 IF I WANTED TO BANG SOMEBODY 237 00:09:25,333 --> 00:09:28,073 WITH A SIX-PACK I'D RETURN HUGH 238 00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:28,867 JACKMAN'S CALLS. 239 00:09:28,867 --> 00:09:31,267 THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF ANY 240 00:09:31,267 --> 00:09:34,067 CROSSFIT WORKOUT IS POSTING 241 00:09:34,067 --> 00:09:37,197 ABOUT IT ENDLESSLY. 242 00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:42,100 BRAG ABOUT THE OTHER BURPEES IN 243 00:09:42,100 --> 00:09:43,070 UNDERCULT. 244 00:09:43,067 --> 00:09:45,127 EVEN SCATCHERS KNEW YOU'D BUY 245 00:09:45,133 --> 00:09:47,403 SHOES IF IT PROMISED BUNS OF 246 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:47,870 STEAL. 247 00:09:47,867 --> 00:09:50,327 THERE'S NO MAGIC PILL AND IT'S 248 00:09:50,333 --> 00:09:53,803 NOT BURIED IN THE TRAY OF GLUTEN 249 00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:58,300 FREE BROWNIES YOU JUST INHALED. 250 00:09:58,300 --> 00:10:01,570 THE BEST PLAN IS PHOTO SHOP. 251 00:10:01,567 --> 00:10:04,567 UNTIL DOC BROWN INVENTS GYM 252 00:10:04,567 --> 00:10:07,027 EQUIPMENT IS WELL UP IN. 253 00:10:07,033 --> 00:10:08,703 SHE JUST WANTS TO KEEP EVERYBODY 254 00:10:08,700 --> 00:10:11,530 IN SHAPE UNTIL THE BITTER AND HE 255 00:10:11,533 --> 00:10:13,633 WEEKEND I FLEW HER TO L.A. WHERE 256 00:10:13,633 --> 00:10:15,633 WE KEEP THE FAT PEOPLE IN THE 257 00:10:15,633 --> 00:10:18,603 VALLEY FOR THE WEB REDEMPTION. 258 00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:20,900 WELCOME TO WRINKLES THE ONLY GYM 259 00:10:20,900 --> 00:10:25,200 FOR WOMEN, HOW DO I SAY THIS 260 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:27,800 NICELY, PAST THEIR PRIME. 261 00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:31,730 HARD TO GET AN ERECTION WITHOUT 262 00:10:31,733 --> 00:10:38,903 MEDICATION, SHALL I SAY -- 263 00:10:38,900 --> 00:10:40,270 >> I CAN HELP YOU. 264 00:10:40,267 --> 00:10:42,727 >> Tosh: YOU CAN HELP ME? 265 00:10:42,733 --> 00:10:44,103 >> THIS IS MY SPECIALTY. 266 00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:46,900 >> Tosh: I THINK YOU'D BE A 267 00:10:46,900 --> 00:10:48,230 PERFECT ADDITION TO OUR 268 00:10:48,233 --> 00:10:48,703 STRAINING STAFF. 269 00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:49,430 FIRST I HAVE QUESTIONS. 270 00:10:49,433 --> 00:10:51,203 >> OKAY. 271 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:53,070 >> Tosh: HOW OLD ARE YOU? 272 00:10:53,067 --> 00:10:54,727 >> 52 YEARS OLD. 273 00:10:54,733 --> 00:10:56,233 >> Tosh: HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH? 274 00:10:56,233 --> 00:10:57,073 >> 109. 275 00:10:57,067 --> 00:10:59,467 >> Tosh: WHAT'S THE MOST YOU 276 00:10:59,467 --> 00:11:00,067 AWAYED? 277 00:11:00,067 --> 00:11:00,627 >> 124. 278 00:11:00,633 --> 00:11:02,533 >> Tosh: DID YOU KEEP THE CHILD? 279 00:11:02,533 --> 00:11:04,333 >> THEY TOOK IT AWAY. 280 00:11:04,333 --> 00:11:05,973 >> Tosh: OKAY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT 281 00:11:05,967 --> 00:11:07,067 YOU JUST SAID. 282 00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:09,327 FINISH THE SENTENCE, 50 IS THE 283 00:11:09,333 --> 00:11:09,933 NEW? 284 00:11:09,933 --> 00:11:10,603 >> 20. 285 00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:12,300 >> Tosh: 20? 286 00:11:12,300 --> 00:11:13,570 I LIKE THAT. 287 00:11:13,567 --> 00:11:15,327 VERY UNREALISTIC. 288 00:11:15,333 --> 00:11:17,403 WHAT'S BEEN YOUR MOST POPULAR 289 00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:18,270 WORKOUT VIDEO? 290 00:11:18,267 --> 00:11:19,797 >> I DID A TEN-MINUTE LOWER BODY 291 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:23,130 WORKOUT. 292 00:11:23,133 --> 00:11:24,273 OH, YEAH. 293 00:11:24,267 --> 00:11:24,767 SIX. 294 00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:25,767 >> Tosh: CHA-CHING. 295 00:11:25,767 --> 00:11:29,627 BETTER BODY, YOU OR MADONNA? 296 00:11:29,633 --> 00:11:33,133 >> I HAVE TO SAY ME BUT SHE 297 00:11:33,133 --> 00:11:36,233 TRIES BUT I CAN HELP HER TOO. 298 00:11:36,233 --> 00:11:39,873 >> Tosh: THE CELEBRITY THAT HAVE 299 00:11:39,867 --> 00:11:48,727 WORKED THROUGHOUT THE DOOR, BE 300 00:11:48,733 --> 00:11:50,973 BEYONCE AND DEMI MOORE. 301 00:11:50,967 --> 00:11:52,297 BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. 302 00:11:52,300 --> 00:11:53,070 >> SHE IS. 303 00:11:53,067 --> 00:11:54,197 >> Tosh: 25 YEARS AGO. 304 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:57,730 ON YOUR CHANNEL YOU DO DANCE 305 00:11:57,733 --> 00:11:58,233 TRIBUTES. 306 00:11:58,233 --> 00:12:00,303 >> THE CHARACTER I CREATED IS 307 00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:01,770 THE MOTHER CHICK BECAUSE THE 308 00:12:01,767 --> 00:12:06,367 ORIGINAL ROCK VIDEO I DID WAS IN 309 00:12:06,367 --> 00:12:09,297 1988 FOR A BAND CALLED DANZIG. 310 00:12:09,300 --> 00:12:10,600 >> Tosh: THAT WAS YOU IN THE 311 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:12,800 VIDEO IN 1988? 312 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:15,400 >> IT WAS PULLED FROM MTV 313 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,130 BECAUSE THE CONTENT WAS 314 00:12:17,133 --> 00:12:17,873 CONSIDERED -- 315 00:12:17,867 --> 00:12:19,397 >> Tosh: SATANIC. 316 00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:22,800 LEGALLY I HAVE TO ASK YOU THIS, 317 00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:25,170 ARE YOU A DEVIL WORE SHIPPER? 318 00:12:25,167 --> 00:12:26,297 >> PART-TIME. 319 00:12:26,300 --> 00:12:28,830 I HAVE TO KEEP A BALANCE IN MY 320 00:12:28,833 --> 00:12:32,273 LIFE IN MY SPIRITUAL REALM. 321 00:12:32,267 --> 00:12:35,367 THE YIN YANG. 322 00:12:35,367 --> 00:12:36,697 YOU'RE A GYM PERSON. 323 00:12:36,700 --> 00:12:39,570 I LIKE GOOD, DARK, LIGHT, EVIL, 324 00:12:39,567 --> 00:12:43,067 I THINK LUCIFER HAS GOTTEN A BAD 325 00:12:43,067 --> 00:12:43,497 WRAP. 326 00:12:43,500 --> 00:12:45,300 >> Tosh: THAT'S FOR SURE. 327 00:12:45,300 --> 00:12:48,130 >> THE LIGHT BEARER REVEALS 328 00:12:48,133 --> 00:12:49,703 TRUTH AND SATAN IS ACTUALLY THE 329 00:12:49,700 --> 00:12:51,070 ONE THAT KEEPS PEOPLE IN THE 330 00:12:51,067 --> 00:12:51,567 DARK. 331 00:12:51,567 --> 00:12:54,697 >> Tosh: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF 332 00:12:54,700 --> 00:12:55,270 SCIENTOLOGISTS? 333 00:12:55,267 --> 00:12:57,097 >> THAT -- 334 00:12:57,100 --> 00:13:01,900 >> Tosh: DON'T SAY ANYTHING. 335 00:13:01,900 --> 00:13:06,130 INTRODUCE MY LATEST FITNESS 336 00:13:06,133 --> 00:13:06,803 CRAZE. 337 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:08,400 CROTCH STRETCH. 338 00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:10,830 STAKE ONE STRETCHING THE [BLEEP] 339 00:13:10,833 --> 00:13:13,533 AND STAGE TWO, LOW REPS, STAGE 340 00:13:13,533 --> 00:13:15,733 THREE, CONFUSING THE [BLEEP]. 341 00:13:15,733 --> 00:13:19,073 STAGE FOUR AND THIS IS THE MOST 342 00:13:19,067 --> 00:13:23,627 IMPORTANT ONE, VIOLENTLY SHAKING 343 00:13:23,633 --> 00:13:24,333 [BLEEP]. 344 00:13:24,333 --> 00:13:25,603 GET YOU A UNIFORM. 345 00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:27,630 >> OOH. 346 00:13:27,633 --> 00:13:28,873 >> Tosh: THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE 347 00:13:28,867 --> 00:13:29,397 WEARS. 348 00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:30,500 >> NO STRETCHY IS GOING INTO 349 00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:32,970 THIS I TELL YOU. 350 00:13:32,967 --> 00:13:35,727 >> Tosh: MY, LORD. 351 00:13:35,733 --> 00:13:37,133 THAT'S INSANITY. 352 00:13:37,133 --> 00:13:38,933 ARE MEN INTIMIDATED BY YOU? 353 00:13:38,933 --> 00:13:41,173 >> I GUESS SOME ARE. 354 00:13:41,167 --> 00:13:42,427 FIRST OF ALL I'M BLESSED 355 00:13:42,433 --> 00:13:43,173 GENETICALLY. 356 00:13:43,167 --> 00:13:43,797 >> Tosh: THAT'S OBVIOUS. 357 00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:44,370 >> AND A DANCER. 358 00:13:44,367 --> 00:13:46,567 >> Tosh: TALK ABOUT THE DRUGS. 359 00:13:46,567 --> 00:13:47,697 >> WHAT DRUGS? 360 00:13:47,700 --> 00:13:51,430 >> Tosh: TALK ABOUT THE DRUGS. 361 00:13:51,433 --> 00:13:57,373 STAND BEHIND ME. 362 00:13:57,367 --> 00:13:58,867 YOU'RE GOING GRAB MY FEET. 363 00:13:58,867 --> 00:13:59,827 ONE, TWO, THREE. 364 00:13:59,833 --> 00:14:01,773 >> ARE YOU GOING TO LIFT ME UP? 365 00:14:01,767 --> 00:14:03,797 >> Tosh: NOW WE HOOK AND YOU 366 00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:04,470 PULL. 367 00:14:04,467 --> 00:14:05,967 OR I PULL. 368 00:14:05,967 --> 00:14:06,567 SEE. 369 00:14:06,567 --> 00:14:08,427 YOU FEEL IT? 370 00:14:08,433 --> 00:14:09,473 OKAY, YOUR VERY STRONG. 371 00:14:09,467 --> 00:14:14,297 VERY STRONG. 372 00:14:14,300 --> 00:14:15,070 WHEW. 373 00:14:15,067 --> 00:14:16,767 THIS STAGE IS CRUCIAL. 374 00:14:16,767 --> 00:14:18,197 PUSHING YOUR BODY PASSED THE 375 00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:29,430 COMFORT ZONE. 376 00:14:29,433 --> 00:14:30,433 >> Tosh: SEE THAT? 377 00:14:30,433 --> 00:14:31,673 WHY IS THAT HAPPENING? 378 00:14:31,667 --> 00:14:32,927 BECAUSE I NEVER WORKED OUT IN MY 379 00:14:32,933 --> 00:14:33,333 LIFE. 380 00:14:33,333 --> 00:14:35,073 PUT YOUR ARMS STRAIGHT DOWN. 381 00:14:35,067 --> 00:14:36,897 >> SOMEBODY HELP ME. 382 00:14:36,900 --> 00:14:39,400 >> Tosh: HEY, WHAT'S THE BEST 383 00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:40,730 CONCERT YOU'VE GONE TO? 384 00:14:40,733 --> 00:14:42,473 >> DAVID CASSIDY. 385 00:14:42,467 --> 00:14:45,067 >> Tosh: HOW ARE YOU DOING NOW? 386 00:14:45,067 --> 00:14:47,127 >> SOMEBODY HELP. 387 00:14:47,133 --> 00:14:48,703 >> Tosh: THE LOVELY TIFFANY, OUR 388 00:14:48,700 --> 00:14:53,200 TWERK INSTRUCTOR. 389 00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:54,530 TAUGHT HER EVERYTHING SHE KNOWS. 390 00:14:54,533 --> 00:14:58,233 I STILL GOT IT. 391 00:14:58,233 --> 00:15:01,633 ANYWAYS FOR OUR FINAL STAGE OF 392 00:15:01,633 --> 00:15:03,533 CROTCH FIT WE'RE GOING TO 393 00:15:03,533 --> 00:15:05,133 COMBINE OUR LOVE OF 80s AND 394 00:15:05,133 --> 00:15:07,333 DRUGS WITH TWERKING, I'M CALLING 395 00:15:07,333 --> 00:15:08,203 IT TWEAKING. 396 00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:29,930 >> I'LL GIVE IT A SHOT. 397 00:15:29,933 --> 00:15:47,073 [LAUGHTER] 398 00:15:47,067 --> 00:15:47,827 >> LIKE THAT? 399 00:15:47,833 --> 00:15:48,933 SHE'S A NATURAL. 400 00:15:48,933 --> 00:15:50,403 >> Tosh: WE FOUND YOUR CALLING. 401 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:51,870 WELCOME TO WRINKLES. 402 00:15:51,867 --> 00:15:54,967 >> Tosh: I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE 403 00:15:54,967 --> 00:15:58,067 TO ANYONE WHO GOT AN EYEFUL OF 404 00:15:58,067 --> 00:15:59,697 MY STINK WRINKLES. 405 00:15:59,700 --> 00:16:01,070 FIRST, IT'S HALLOWEEN WOULD YOU 406 00:16:01,067 --> 00:16:02,767 LIKE TO SEE THE HORRIFIC VIDEO 407 00:16:02,767 --> 00:16:04,827 THAT MADE MY AUDIENCE GO NUTS? 408 00:16:04,833 --> 00:16:06,073 PLEASE, I CAN'T HEAR THEM AT 409 00:16:06,067 --> 00:16:06,467 HOME. 410 00:16:06,467 --> 00:16:07,567 I'M GOING TO ASSUME YOU SAID 411 00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:18,427 YES. 412 00:16:24,467 --> 00:16:42,067 [LAUGHTER] 413 00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:43,267 >> Tosh: IS THAT TASER SET TO 414 00:16:43,267 --> 00:16:45,867 TICKLE? 415 00:16:45,867 --> 00:16:47,867 THAT'S THE MOST FUN THEY'VE HAD 416 00:16:47,867 --> 00:16:50,127 SINCE THEIR WIVES DIED. 417 00:16:50,133 --> 00:16:52,173 THOSE GUYS ARE ALWAYS WELCOME TO 418 00:16:52,167 --> 00:16:55,967 WET THEIR WHISTLE AT MY DIVE BAR 419 00:16:55,967 --> 00:16:57,527 AND GRILL AND MATTRESS STORE. 420 00:16:57,533 --> 00:16:59,273 >> I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW ONE OF 421 00:16:59,267 --> 00:17:01,667 OUR REGULARS WOULD LIKE TO BUY 422 00:17:01,667 --> 00:17:05,827 YOU A ROUND OF TEQUILA 423 00:17:05,833 --> 00:17:06,473 SHOT-SHOTS. 424 00:17:06,467 --> 00:17:08,697 DON'T GET TOO EXCITED FIRST 425 00:17:08,700 --> 00:17:11,500 THING YOU NEED TO DO IS SIGN 426 00:17:11,500 --> 00:17:12,300 RELEASE FORMS. 427 00:17:12,300 --> 00:17:15,070 >> BOTTOM'S UP. 428 00:17:15,067 --> 00:17:17,827 >> Tosh: THAT'S NOT HOW THE 429 00:17:17,833 --> 00:17:19,133 TEQUILA SHOT-SHOT WORKS. 430 00:17:19,133 --> 00:17:21,073 PUT ON THE COLLAR. 431 00:17:21,067 --> 00:17:28,427 I'M ELECTROCUTE THE [BLEEP] OUT 432 00:17:28,433 --> 00:17:32,733 OF YOU AND START BARKING. 433 00:17:32,733 --> 00:17:37,773 ONCE YOU DRINK, BOTTOM'S 434 00:17:37,767 --> 00:17:38,127 YOU. 435 00:17:38,133 --> 00:17:39,203 ALL RIGHT. 436 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:43,500 THAT'S GREAT. 437 00:17:43,500 --> 00:17:44,630 >> WANTS ANOTHER ROUND. 438 00:17:44,633 --> 00:17:46,703 >> THANK YOU. 439 00:17:46,700 --> 00:17:47,900 >> Tosh: THEY'LL REEL HE BE 440 00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:49,830 SHOCKED TO KNOW MY DOG ROOFIED 441 00:17:49,833 --> 00:17:51,073 ALL OF THEM. 442 00:17:51,067 --> 00:17:52,127 NOW HERE'S YOUR VIEWER VINE OF 443 00:17:52,133 --> 00:17:53,473 THE WEEK. 444 00:17:53,467 --> 00:17:55,267 >> WHERE AM I? 445 00:17:55,267 --> 00:17:57,067 >> WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY A 446 00:17:57,067 --> 00:17:57,567 GAME? 447 00:17:57,567 --> 00:17:58,597 >> GAME? 448 00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:00,170 >> RAISE THIS. 449 00:18:00,167 --> 00:18:01,667 >> RAISE THIS? 450 00:18:01,667 --> 00:18:03,527 >> WOULD LIKE TO PLAY A GAME? 451 00:18:03,533 --> 00:18:05,503 >> RAISE THIS BABY. 452 00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:09,930 >> THERE AIN'T NO BABY. 453 00:18:09,933 --> 00:18:11,873 >> Tosh: COME ON JIGSAW THAT'S 454 00:18:11,867 --> 00:18:13,097 NOT HOW SAW WORKS. 455 00:18:13,100 --> 00:18:16,800 YOU HAVE TO GIVE TWO OPTIONS. 456 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:20,070 CAN'T HE BITE HIS WHEN OFF. 457 00:18:20,067 --> 00:18:22,197 THIS IS WHERE I COME BACK WITH A 458 00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:24,470 SHOW THAT'S NO LONGER ON THE 459 00:18:24,467 --> 00:18:27,067 NETWORK AND I USED CHAPELLE SHOW 460 00:18:27,067 --> 00:18:29,067 BUT THE DAY HAS COME WHERE WE'VE 461 00:18:29,067 --> 00:18:30,067 GONE THROUGH EVERY PROGRAM 462 00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:31,597 THAT'S BEEN ON COMEDY CENTRAL 463 00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:34,300 AND SINCE THEY REFUSE TO GROW A 464 00:18:34,300 --> 00:18:37,430 PAIR AND CANCEL NEW SHOWS WE 465 00:18:37,433 --> 00:18:39,873 KNOW SHOULD NOT BE ON TV WE NEED 466 00:18:39,867 --> 00:18:42,397 AN IN TRADITION. 467 00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:44,070 NOW WE'LL START SAYING AN OUT OF 468 00:18:44,067 --> 00:18:45,267 CONTEXT LINE THAT HAD TO BE CUT 469 00:18:45,267 --> 00:18:47,297 FROM ONE OF OUR EPISODES. 470 00:18:47,300 --> 00:18:47,730 OKAY. 471 00:18:47,733 --> 00:18:50,433 FIRST, ALL THE ATTRACTIVE GIRLS 472 00:18:50,433 --> 00:18:58,973 IN JAPAN ARE ANIMATED. 473 00:18:58,967 --> 00:19:00,127 >> Tosh: WELCOME BACK. 474 00:19:00,133 --> 00:19:02,203 WHILE I DO THE PLUGS WHY NOT PUT 475 00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,200 ON ON THE SONG DIP BY DANNY 476 00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:05,630 BROWN AND PRETEND HE'S OUR 477 00:19:05,633 --> 00:19:06,573 MUSICAL GUEST. 478 00:19:06,567 --> 00:19:08,467 NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW WE TAKE ON 479 00:19:08,467 --> 00:19:09,697 THE EDUCATION SYSTEM WITH THIS 480 00:19:09,700 --> 00:19:10,370 CLASS CLOWN. 481 00:19:10,367 --> 00:19:12,467 >> YOU WANT KIDS TO COME TO YOUR 482 00:19:12,467 --> 00:19:15,167 CLASS AND GET EXCITED YOU HAVE 483 00:19:15,167 --> 00:19:18,367 TO COME IN AND MAKE THEM 484 00:19:18,367 --> 00:19:19,067 EXCITED. 485 00:19:19,067 --> 00:19:20,597 WANT THE KIDS TO DO BETTER HAVE 486 00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:21,570 YOU TO TOUCH HIS HEART 487 00:19:21,567 --> 00:19:23,197 YOU CAN'T EXPECT A KID TO CHANGE 488 00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:24,370 IF YOU JUST TELL HIM. 489 00:19:24,367 --> 00:19:27,297 >> Tosh: I AGREE WITH HIM ON 490 00:19:27,300 --> 00:19:28,670 EVERYTHING BUT THE LONG BLOND 491 00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:28,967 HAIR. 492 00:19:28,967 --> 00:19:30,827 FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER, KEEP UP 493 00:19:30,833 --> 00:19:33,333 WITH OUR BLOG AND SEE ME DO 494 00:19:33,333 --> 00:19:34,873 STAND-UP COMEDY IF YOU HAVE THE 495 00:19:34,867 --> 00:19:36,797 MEANS AND A NEW EPISODE OF 496 00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:38,130 BRICKLEBERRY'S UP NEXT. 497 00:19:38,133 --> 00:19:41,603 FINALLY, WE'VE SEEN THE 498 00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:43,070 TEAR-JERKING VIDEOS OF SOLDIERS 499 00:19:43,067 --> 00:19:44,727 RETURNING HOME TO THEIR FAMILIES 500 00:19:44,733 --> 00:19:49,533 BUT OUR EMOTIONS ARE BEING 501 00:19:49,533 --> 00:19:51,703 MANIPULATED WE MUSIC. 502 00:19:51,700 --> 00:19:53,570 WE DON'T KNOW IF THEIR WIVES 503 00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:55,067 CHEATED ON THEM AND I'M NOT 504 00:19:55,067 --> 00:19:57,927 SAYING IT'S A LOT BUT SOME OF 505 00:19:57,933 --> 00:19:59,503 THOSE SOLDIERS COMMITTED 506 00:19:59,500 --> 00:20:01,330 UNSPEAKABLE ATROCITIES. 507 00:20:01,333 --> 00:20:03,303 IN HONOR OF HALLOWEEN I TOOK THE 508 00:20:03,300 --> 00:20:05,500 SAME VIDEOS AND GAVE THEM A 509 00:20:05,500 --> 00:20:19,500 SPOOKIER FEEL. 510 00:20:19,500 --> 00:20:34,070 [ SCREAMING ] 511 00:20:34,067 --> 00:20:37,727 [ HEART BEATING SOUND ] 512 00:20:37,733 --> 00:20:38,303 [ SCREAMING 513 00:20:38,300 --> 00:20:41,770 [ 514 00:20:46,100 --> 00:20:47,300 >> OH, MY GOD! 515 00:20:47,300 --> 00:20:50,370 OH, MY GOD! 516 00:20:50,367 --> 00:20:59,267 [ SCREAMING ] 517 00:20:59,267 --> 00:21:00,797 >> Tosh: GOOD NIGHT AND 518 00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:03,170 REMEMBER, IF YOU'RE GOING AS 519 00:21:03,167 --> 00:21:04,827 DANIEL TOSH FOR HALLOWEEN FEEL 520 00:21:04,833 --> 00:21:07,873 FREE TO BREAK AS MANY LAWS AS 521 00:21:07,867 --> 00:21:08,697 YOU WANT. 522 00:21:08,700 --> 00:21:16,070 COPS WON'T ARREST ME. 523 00:21:16,067 --> 00:21:17,397 >> Tosh: HOW MANY CALORIES CAN 524 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:19,230 ONE EXPECT TO BURN DOING YOUR 525 00:21:19,233 --> 00:21:19,933 WORKOUT? 526 00:21:19,933 --> 00:21:21,333 >> I HAVE SEVERAL DIFFERENT ONES 527 00:21:21,333 --> 00:21:24,233 BUT THE SPECIAL ONE IS CALLED MY 528 00:21:24,233 --> 00:21:25,333 G-FORCE WORKOUT. 529 00:21:25,333 --> 00:21:26,803 >> Tosh: NOTHING TO DO WITH THE 530 00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:27,300 G-SPOT. 32981

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