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[ DISCLAIMER ]
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[ SCREAMING ]
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> Tosh: NEVER SCARE A MAN USING
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A MEAT SLICER.
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A MEAT SLICER.
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WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."
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HEY, KIDS, INSTEAD OF BEGGING
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FOR FOOD ON HALLOWEEN LIME SOME
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KIND OF SHIFTLESS BUM WHY DON'T
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YOU GET A JOB AND BUY YOU'RE OWN
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CANDY.
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HAVE SOME SELF-RESPECT.
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YOU CHILDREN DISGUST ME.
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TONIGHT ON THE SHOW I WORKUP A
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SWEAT WITH THIS FITNESS FREAK
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AND LET MY STAFF GET BUZZED AT
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WORK AND GIVE SOLDIER'S FAMILIES
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HORRIFYING NEWS.
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FOOL HIM ONCE SHAME ON YOU, FOOL
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HIM 87 TIMES YOU MAY BE PICKING
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ON SOMEONE WITH SPECIAL NEEDS.
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I HOPE WORKMAN'S COMP COVERS HIS
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DIRTY DRAWERS.
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THE GUY'S POOP HIS PANTS.
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STOP CLOWNING AROUND AND HELP
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HIM PEEL 1,000 POTATOS.
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THAT BACKFIRED WHEN I TRIED TO
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PULL A SIMILAR FRANK ON THE DEAF
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GUY IN OUR OFFICE.
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[ SCREAMING ]
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>> Tosh: LATER, I PRANKED OUR
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OFFICE BLIND BUY BY INTRODUCING
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HIM TO A WOMAN THAT WAS A
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CACTUS.
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HIS HANDS GOT PRICKED UP WHEN HE
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TRIED TO FEEL HER FACE.
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BLIND PEOPLE.
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LOTS OF LAUGH.
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NOW EARLY DID THEY HAVE TO BOOK
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TO SECURE HIS INTERSECTION.
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THAT'S BREATH TAKING.
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YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF PERSON
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WOULD DO THAT?
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A PERSON WITH A T-MOBILE
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SIDEKICK.
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IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME SORT OF
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SIGN TELLING HIM NOT TO GO
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THROUGH WITH THIS.
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USE THE STOP SIGN.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: OH, YOU NEEDED THAT?
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MAYBE SHE THINKS THE VEIL MAKE
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HER IN VISIBLE.
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LETTING ALL THE DUDES FROM BLACK
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PEOPLE MEET DOT COM LETTING HER
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KNOW SHE'S OFF THE MARKET.
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I'VE HAD A MOMENT RUIN A MOMENT
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OR TWO.
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I COULD NOT IMAGINE A LIFE
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WITHOUT ME IN IT.
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SORRY.
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COLIN QUINN MUST HAVE TWEETED
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I GET A NOTIFICATION EVERY TIME
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HE SENDS ONE.
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WILL I WHAT?
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>> Tosh: SORRY.
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A NEW POLL SAYS 60% OF THE
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PEOPLE DON'T TRUST CONGRESS.
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I CAN MAKE JOKES ABOUT THAT ONE
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ALL DAY.
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WHATA-SET UP.
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>> HE'S TROLLING.
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JUST A GIANT TROLL.
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>> WHEN I I WHAT?
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>> Tosh: I WONDER WHEN MY EX IS
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UP TO.
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SHE LOOKS GOOD.
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I WANTED TO ASK HER TO MARRY ME
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AT AT&T PARK BUT IT WAS ALREADY
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BEING RENTED OUT FOR ANOTHER
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FAKE PROPOSAL.
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ALL RIGHT.
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SO THE COOL THING ABOUT
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CONCUSSIONS IS THAT YOU DON'T
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ALWAYS KNOW YOU HAVE ONE.
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>> WHOA!
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THAT WAS BEAUTIFULLY CAUGHT AND
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-- IT'S CAUGHT.
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>> Tosh: ALL THAT MATTERS IN
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LIFE IS THINKING YOU WON.
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>> STOP THE FIGHT.
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>> Tosh: MAKING A MEMORABLE EXIT
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IS JUST AS IMPORTANT.
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PRETTY CONFIDENT IN THE JUDGE
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FROM NEVADA GOT IT WRONG TOO.
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OKAY.
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HERE'S THE QUICKEST WAY TO MAKE
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A TREEHOUSE.
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ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S THE PLAN HERE?
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CHOPPING DOWN THE BIG TREE
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TODAY.
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OH, [BLEEP].
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NOT ALL BAD NEWS.
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GOT ANOTHER DIY PROJECT TO
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TACKLE NEXT WEEKEND.
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THE OLD BALL AND CHAIN SHOULD BE
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HAPPY.
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SHE'S ALWAYS NAGGING ABOUT NOT
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HAVING ENOUGH PLANTS IN THE
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HOUSE.
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HAPPY NOW, HONEY.
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NEXT TIME GO TO HOME DEPOT AND
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PICK UP A COUPLE GOOD STRONG
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MEXICANS LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.
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I WAS GOING TO CHOP DOWN A TREE
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IT IT WOULD BE THAT NO GOOD
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TICKET OAK GOUGING MY FANS.
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YOU'RE ON MY LIST, TICKET OAK.
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NOW, LET'S SEE IF THE NEXT KID
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LEARNED ANYTHING IN SCHOOL
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TODAY.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: TRADE IN YOUR HALL PASS
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FOR A HANDICAPPED PARKING PASS.
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BET HE'S NOT MISSING AN AP CLASS
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TO DO THIS.
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ALL THE SENIORS WILL RESPECT HIM
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NOW.
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THERE'S YOUR PROBLEM.
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HE'S WEARING JORDANS.
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PUT ON SOME BRON AND PLAY LIKE A
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CHAMPION NOT THE SHOES OF SOME
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NBA OWNER WHO'S TEAM CAN BARELY
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GET TEN WINS.
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SHOULDN'T JORDAN HAVE A LINE OF
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DRESS SHOES BY NOW?
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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>> I GOT DOB ABLE TO CLAMP ONTO
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IT.
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OH, YEAH.
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>> Tosh: IF YOU DON'T GO TO A
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JEWISH DENTIST YOU MIGHT BE A
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REDNECK.
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NOW, LET'S FIND OUT WHY THE ONLY
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THING WORSE THAN GOING TO THE
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DENTIST IS NOT GOING TO THE
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DENTIST IN THIS WEEK'S
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BREAKDOWN.
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IT'S 2:30 IN EAST TEXAS.
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2:30?
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IT DOESN'T GET OLD.
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TURNS OUT A LIFETIME OF
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CHATTANOOGA CHEW AND EATING
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RACOON JERKY ISN'T GOOD FOR YOU.
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YOU CAN HARDLY BLAME JOHNNY
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FOOTBALL FOR WANTING TO GET OUT
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OF THAT PODUNK TOWN.
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TRUST HIM, HE KNOWS A GUY THAT
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ONCE WENT TO A REAL DENTIST.
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OOH, CITY FOLK.
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I DON'T RECKON THE MULTI TOOL'S
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BEEN APPROVED BY THE ADA BUT I'M
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SURE HE STERILIZED AT THE CRICK.
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WHAT ELSE LET'S YOU PULL A TOOTH
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AND CUT EYE HOLES IN YOUR
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PILLOWCASE.
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DON'T YANK THE WRONG ONE, HAS.
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IN FAIRNESS THE GINGIVITIS DID
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MOST OF THE WORK.
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DON'T BOTHER PUTTING IT UNDER
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YOUR PILLOW.
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THE LAST TIME THE TOOTH FAIRY
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VISITED THESE PARTS THEY DRAGGED
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HIM BEHIND A PICKUP TRUCK.
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I THOUGHT THE TOOTH FAIRY WAS
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THE GIRL.
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TELL THAT TO THE ROCK.
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>> YOU'RE GOOD.
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IT DONE STOPPED BLEEDING
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ALREADY.
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>> Tosh: THIS IS THE MOST
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PAINFUL THING HE CAN IMAGINE
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BESIDES SEEING A BLACK PERSON
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BECOME PRESIDENT.
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PRESCRIPTION PILLS AND JACK?
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MY DENTIST ONLY GIVES MY
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TOOTHPASTE AND FLOSS.
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I TELL HIM TO KEEP THE BRUSH
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BECAUSE I HAVE A SONICARE
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DIAMOND CLEAN.
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GOOD LUCK KEEP YOUR BUDDY'S
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DONGS OUT OF THAT GLORY HOLE.
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MAKING FUN OF HE HICKS IS LIKE
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PULLING TEETH AND FOR THAT WE
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THANK YOU.
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FIRST I THOUGHT IT WOULD A TREAT
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TO SEE THE AUDIENCE WATCHING THE
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VIDEO I FORCED HEM TO WATCH
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DURING THE COMMERCIAL BREAK.
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>> LET ME SHOW YOU HOW US
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DANCERS STAY IN SHAPE
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.
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WE'RE GOING TO WORK OUR LOWER
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BODY, LEGS, SPECIFICALLY
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ESPECIALLY THE LEGS AND THE
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BUNS.
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THE BUTT.
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THE BUTT, BUTT, BUTT.
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BUTT, BUTT.
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DON'T TELL ME YOU HAVE 15
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MINUTES A DAY TO SPEND ON
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YOURSELF.
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>> Tosh: DIPS.
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THE VICHLEN YOU CAN'T TAKE YOUR
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EYES OFF OF IS JILL AND WHEN
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SHE'S NOT ROCKING THE VELVET
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LEOTARD SHE'S SHOWING OTHER
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PEOPLE HOW TO GET IT.
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SHE CREATED A NEW EXERCISE
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REGIMENT CALLED HEADBANGERS
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WORKOUT AND MY BODY'S DISGUSTING
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AND I'M OKAY WITH IT.
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I'VE NEVER BEEN TO A SPIN CLASS
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BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO GO ON
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IMAGINARY BIKE RIDE WITH 50
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CHICKS WHILE BEING SCREAMED AT
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BY A MAN.
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I BELIEVE WOMEN ONLY EXERCISE TO
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MAKE THEIR CHUBBY FRIENDS FEEL
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WORSE ABOUT THEMSELVES.
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CRO
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CROSSFIT IS FOR LADIES WHO DON'T
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WANT TO BE FAT OR ATTRACTIVE
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EVER.
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IF I WANTED TO BANG SOMEBODY
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WITH A SIX-PACK I'D RETURN HUGH
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JACKMAN'S CALLS.
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THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF ANY
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CROSSFIT WORKOUT IS POSTING
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ABOUT IT ENDLESSLY.
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BRAG ABOUT THE OTHER BURPEES IN
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UNDERCULT.
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EVEN SCATCHERS KNEW YOU'D BUY
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SHOES IF IT PROMISED BUNS OF
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STEAL.
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THERE'S NO MAGIC PILL AND IT'S
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NOT BURIED IN THE TRAY OF GLUTEN
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FREE BROWNIES YOU JUST INHALED.
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THE BEST PLAN IS PHOTO SHOP.
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UNTIL DOC BROWN INVENTS GYM
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EQUIPMENT IS WELL UP IN.
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SHE JUST WANTS TO KEEP EVERYBODY
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IN SHAPE UNTIL THE BITTER AND HE
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WEEKEND I FLEW HER TO L.A. WHERE
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WE KEEP THE FAT PEOPLE IN THE
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VALLEY FOR THE WEB REDEMPTION.
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WELCOME TO WRINKLES THE ONLY GYM
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FOR WOMEN, HOW DO I SAY THIS
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NICELY, PAST THEIR PRIME.
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HARD TO GET AN ERECTION WITHOUT
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MEDICATION, SHALL I SAY --
263
00:10:38,900 --> 00:10:40,270
>> I CAN HELP YOU.
264
00:10:40,267 --> 00:10:42,727
>> Tosh: YOU CAN HELP ME?
265
00:10:42,733 --> 00:10:44,103
>> THIS IS MY SPECIALTY.
266
00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:46,900
>> Tosh: I THINK YOU'D BE A
267
00:10:46,900 --> 00:10:48,230
PERFECT ADDITION TO OUR
268
00:10:48,233 --> 00:10:48,703
STRAINING STAFF.
269
00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:49,430
FIRST I HAVE QUESTIONS.
270
00:10:49,433 --> 00:10:51,203
>> OKAY.
271
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:53,070
>> Tosh: HOW OLD ARE YOU?
272
00:10:53,067 --> 00:10:54,727
>> 52 YEARS OLD.
273
00:10:54,733 --> 00:10:56,233
>> Tosh: HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH?
274
00:10:56,233 --> 00:10:57,073
>> 109.
275
00:10:57,067 --> 00:10:59,467
>> Tosh: WHAT'S THE MOST YOU
276
00:10:59,467 --> 00:11:00,067
AWAYED?
277
00:11:00,067 --> 00:11:00,627
>> 124.
278
00:11:00,633 --> 00:11:02,533
>> Tosh: DID YOU KEEP THE CHILD?
279
00:11:02,533 --> 00:11:04,333
>> THEY TOOK IT AWAY.
280
00:11:04,333 --> 00:11:05,973
>> Tosh: OKAY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
281
00:11:05,967 --> 00:11:07,067
YOU JUST SAID.
282
00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:09,327
FINISH THE SENTENCE, 50 IS THE
283
00:11:09,333 --> 00:11:09,933
NEW?
284
00:11:09,933 --> 00:11:10,603
>> 20.
285
00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:12,300
>> Tosh: 20?
286
00:11:12,300 --> 00:11:13,570
I LIKE THAT.
287
00:11:13,567 --> 00:11:15,327
VERY UNREALISTIC.
288
00:11:15,333 --> 00:11:17,403
WHAT'S BEEN YOUR MOST POPULAR
289
00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:18,270
WORKOUT VIDEO?
290
00:11:18,267 --> 00:11:19,797
>> I DID A TEN-MINUTE LOWER BODY
291
00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:23,130
WORKOUT.
292
00:11:23,133 --> 00:11:24,273
OH, YEAH.
293
00:11:24,267 --> 00:11:24,767
SIX.
294
00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:25,767
>> Tosh: CHA-CHING.
295
00:11:25,767 --> 00:11:29,627
BETTER BODY, YOU OR MADONNA?
296
00:11:29,633 --> 00:11:33,133
>> I HAVE TO SAY ME BUT SHE
297
00:11:33,133 --> 00:11:36,233
TRIES BUT I CAN HELP HER TOO.
298
00:11:36,233 --> 00:11:39,873
>> Tosh: THE CELEBRITY THAT HAVE
299
00:11:39,867 --> 00:11:48,727
WORKED THROUGHOUT THE DOOR, BE
300
00:11:48,733 --> 00:11:50,973
BEYONCE AND DEMI MOORE.
301
00:11:50,967 --> 00:11:52,297
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
302
00:11:52,300 --> 00:11:53,070
>> SHE IS.
303
00:11:53,067 --> 00:11:54,197
>> Tosh: 25 YEARS AGO.
304
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:57,730
ON YOUR CHANNEL YOU DO DANCE
305
00:11:57,733 --> 00:11:58,233
TRIBUTES.
306
00:11:58,233 --> 00:12:00,303
>> THE CHARACTER I CREATED IS
307
00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:01,770
THE MOTHER CHICK BECAUSE THE
308
00:12:01,767 --> 00:12:06,367
ORIGINAL ROCK VIDEO I DID WAS IN
309
00:12:06,367 --> 00:12:09,297
1988 FOR A BAND CALLED DANZIG.
310
00:12:09,300 --> 00:12:10,600
>> Tosh: THAT WAS YOU IN THE
311
00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:12,800
VIDEO IN 1988?
312
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:15,400
>> IT WAS PULLED FROM MTV
313
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,130
BECAUSE THE CONTENT WAS
314
00:12:17,133 --> 00:12:17,873
CONSIDERED --
315
00:12:17,867 --> 00:12:19,397
>> Tosh: SATANIC.
316
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:22,800
LEGALLY I HAVE TO ASK YOU THIS,
317
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:25,170
ARE YOU A DEVIL WORE SHIPPER?
318
00:12:25,167 --> 00:12:26,297
>> PART-TIME.
319
00:12:26,300 --> 00:12:28,830
I HAVE TO KEEP A BALANCE IN MY
320
00:12:28,833 --> 00:12:32,273
LIFE IN MY SPIRITUAL REALM.
321
00:12:32,267 --> 00:12:35,367
THE YIN YANG.
322
00:12:35,367 --> 00:12:36,697
YOU'RE A GYM PERSON.
323
00:12:36,700 --> 00:12:39,570
I LIKE GOOD, DARK, LIGHT, EVIL,
324
00:12:39,567 --> 00:12:43,067
I THINK LUCIFER HAS GOTTEN A BAD
325
00:12:43,067 --> 00:12:43,497
WRAP.
326
00:12:43,500 --> 00:12:45,300
>> Tosh: THAT'S FOR SURE.
327
00:12:45,300 --> 00:12:48,130
>> THE LIGHT BEARER REVEALS
328
00:12:48,133 --> 00:12:49,703
TRUTH AND SATAN IS ACTUALLY THE
329
00:12:49,700 --> 00:12:51,070
ONE THAT KEEPS PEOPLE IN THE
330
00:12:51,067 --> 00:12:51,567
DARK.
331
00:12:51,567 --> 00:12:54,697
>> Tosh: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF
332
00:12:54,700 --> 00:12:55,270
SCIENTOLOGISTS?
333
00:12:55,267 --> 00:12:57,097
>> THAT --
334
00:12:57,100 --> 00:13:01,900
>> Tosh: DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
335
00:13:01,900 --> 00:13:06,130
INTRODUCE MY LATEST FITNESS
336
00:13:06,133 --> 00:13:06,803
CRAZE.
337
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:08,400
CROTCH STRETCH.
338
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:10,830
STAKE ONE STRETCHING THE [BLEEP]
339
00:13:10,833 --> 00:13:13,533
AND STAGE TWO, LOW REPS, STAGE
340
00:13:13,533 --> 00:13:15,733
THREE, CONFUSING THE [BLEEP].
341
00:13:15,733 --> 00:13:19,073
STAGE FOUR AND THIS IS THE MOST
342
00:13:19,067 --> 00:13:23,627
IMPORTANT ONE, VIOLENTLY SHAKING
343
00:13:23,633 --> 00:13:24,333
[BLEEP].
344
00:13:24,333 --> 00:13:25,603
GET YOU A UNIFORM.
345
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:27,630
>> OOH.
346
00:13:27,633 --> 00:13:28,873
>> Tosh: THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE
347
00:13:28,867 --> 00:13:29,397
WEARS.
348
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:30,500
>> NO STRETCHY IS GOING INTO
349
00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:32,970
THIS I TELL YOU.
350
00:13:32,967 --> 00:13:35,727
>> Tosh: MY, LORD.
351
00:13:35,733 --> 00:13:37,133
THAT'S INSANITY.
352
00:13:37,133 --> 00:13:38,933
ARE MEN INTIMIDATED BY YOU?
353
00:13:38,933 --> 00:13:41,173
>> I GUESS SOME ARE.
354
00:13:41,167 --> 00:13:42,427
FIRST OF ALL I'M BLESSED
355
00:13:42,433 --> 00:13:43,173
GENETICALLY.
356
00:13:43,167 --> 00:13:43,797
>> Tosh: THAT'S OBVIOUS.
357
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:44,370
>> AND A DANCER.
358
00:13:44,367 --> 00:13:46,567
>> Tosh: TALK ABOUT THE DRUGS.
359
00:13:46,567 --> 00:13:47,697
>> WHAT DRUGS?
360
00:13:47,700 --> 00:13:51,430
>> Tosh: TALK ABOUT THE DRUGS.
361
00:13:51,433 --> 00:13:57,373
STAND BEHIND ME.
362
00:13:57,367 --> 00:13:58,867
YOU'RE GOING GRAB MY FEET.
363
00:13:58,867 --> 00:13:59,827
ONE, TWO, THREE.
364
00:13:59,833 --> 00:14:01,773
>> ARE YOU GOING TO LIFT ME UP?
365
00:14:01,767 --> 00:14:03,797
>> Tosh: NOW WE HOOK AND YOU
366
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:04,470
PULL.
367
00:14:04,467 --> 00:14:05,967
OR I PULL.
368
00:14:05,967 --> 00:14:06,567
SEE.
369
00:14:06,567 --> 00:14:08,427
YOU FEEL IT?
370
00:14:08,433 --> 00:14:09,473
OKAY, YOUR VERY STRONG.
371
00:14:09,467 --> 00:14:14,297
VERY STRONG.
372
00:14:14,300 --> 00:14:15,070
WHEW.
373
00:14:15,067 --> 00:14:16,767
THIS STAGE IS CRUCIAL.
374
00:14:16,767 --> 00:14:18,197
PUSHING YOUR BODY PASSED THE
375
00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:29,430
COMFORT ZONE.
376
00:14:29,433 --> 00:14:30,433
>> Tosh: SEE THAT?
377
00:14:30,433 --> 00:14:31,673
WHY IS THAT HAPPENING?
378
00:14:31,667 --> 00:14:32,927
BECAUSE I NEVER WORKED OUT IN MY
379
00:14:32,933 --> 00:14:33,333
LIFE.
380
00:14:33,333 --> 00:14:35,073
PUT YOUR ARMS STRAIGHT DOWN.
381
00:14:35,067 --> 00:14:36,897
>> SOMEBODY HELP ME.
382
00:14:36,900 --> 00:14:39,400
>> Tosh: HEY, WHAT'S THE BEST
383
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:40,730
CONCERT YOU'VE GONE TO?
384
00:14:40,733 --> 00:14:42,473
>> DAVID CASSIDY.
385
00:14:42,467 --> 00:14:45,067
>> Tosh: HOW ARE YOU DOING NOW?
386
00:14:45,067 --> 00:14:47,127
>> SOMEBODY HELP.
387
00:14:47,133 --> 00:14:48,703
>> Tosh: THE LOVELY TIFFANY, OUR
388
00:14:48,700 --> 00:14:53,200
TWERK INSTRUCTOR.
389
00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:54,530
TAUGHT HER EVERYTHING SHE KNOWS.
390
00:14:54,533 --> 00:14:58,233
I STILL GOT IT.
391
00:14:58,233 --> 00:15:01,633
ANYWAYS FOR OUR FINAL STAGE OF
392
00:15:01,633 --> 00:15:03,533
CROTCH FIT WE'RE GOING TO
393
00:15:03,533 --> 00:15:05,133
COMBINE OUR LOVE OF 80s AND
394
00:15:05,133 --> 00:15:07,333
DRUGS WITH TWERKING, I'M CALLING
395
00:15:07,333 --> 00:15:08,203
IT TWEAKING.
396
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:29,930
>> I'LL GIVE IT A SHOT.
397
00:15:29,933 --> 00:15:47,073
[LAUGHTER]
398
00:15:47,067 --> 00:15:47,827
>> LIKE THAT?
399
00:15:47,833 --> 00:15:48,933
SHE'S A NATURAL.
400
00:15:48,933 --> 00:15:50,403
>> Tosh: WE FOUND YOUR CALLING.
401
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:51,870
WELCOME TO WRINKLES.
402
00:15:51,867 --> 00:15:54,967
>> Tosh: I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE
403
00:15:54,967 --> 00:15:58,067
TO ANYONE WHO GOT AN EYEFUL OF
404
00:15:58,067 --> 00:15:59,697
MY STINK WRINKLES.
405
00:15:59,700 --> 00:16:01,070
FIRST, IT'S HALLOWEEN WOULD YOU
406
00:16:01,067 --> 00:16:02,767
LIKE TO SEE THE HORRIFIC VIDEO
407
00:16:02,767 --> 00:16:04,827
THAT MADE MY AUDIENCE GO NUTS?
408
00:16:04,833 --> 00:16:06,073
PLEASE, I CAN'T HEAR THEM AT
409
00:16:06,067 --> 00:16:06,467
HOME.
410
00:16:06,467 --> 00:16:07,567
I'M GOING TO ASSUME YOU SAID
411
00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:18,427
YES.
412
00:16:24,467 --> 00:16:42,067
[LAUGHTER]
413
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:43,267
>> Tosh: IS THAT TASER SET TO
414
00:16:43,267 --> 00:16:45,867
TICKLE?
415
00:16:45,867 --> 00:16:47,867
THAT'S THE MOST FUN THEY'VE HAD
416
00:16:47,867 --> 00:16:50,127
SINCE THEIR WIVES DIED.
417
00:16:50,133 --> 00:16:52,173
THOSE GUYS ARE ALWAYS WELCOME TO
418
00:16:52,167 --> 00:16:55,967
WET THEIR WHISTLE AT MY DIVE BAR
419
00:16:55,967 --> 00:16:57,527
AND GRILL AND MATTRESS STORE.
420
00:16:57,533 --> 00:16:59,273
>> I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW ONE OF
421
00:16:59,267 --> 00:17:01,667
OUR REGULARS WOULD LIKE TO BUY
422
00:17:01,667 --> 00:17:05,827
YOU A ROUND OF TEQUILA
423
00:17:05,833 --> 00:17:06,473
SHOT-SHOTS.
424
00:17:06,467 --> 00:17:08,697
DON'T GET TOO EXCITED FIRST
425
00:17:08,700 --> 00:17:11,500
THING YOU NEED TO DO IS SIGN
426
00:17:11,500 --> 00:17:12,300
RELEASE FORMS.
427
00:17:12,300 --> 00:17:15,070
>> BOTTOM'S UP.
428
00:17:15,067 --> 00:17:17,827
>> Tosh: THAT'S NOT HOW THE
429
00:17:17,833 --> 00:17:19,133
TEQUILA SHOT-SHOT WORKS.
430
00:17:19,133 --> 00:17:21,073
PUT ON THE COLLAR.
431
00:17:21,067 --> 00:17:28,427
I'M ELECTROCUTE THE [BLEEP] OUT
432
00:17:28,433 --> 00:17:32,733
OF YOU AND START BARKING.
433
00:17:32,733 --> 00:17:37,773
ONCE YOU DRINK, BOTTOM'S
434
00:17:37,767 --> 00:17:38,127
YOU.
435
00:17:38,133 --> 00:17:39,203
ALL RIGHT.
436
00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:43,500
THAT'S GREAT.
437
00:17:43,500 --> 00:17:44,630
>> WANTS ANOTHER ROUND.
438
00:17:44,633 --> 00:17:46,703
>> THANK YOU.
439
00:17:46,700 --> 00:17:47,900
>> Tosh: THEY'LL REEL HE BE
440
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:49,830
SHOCKED TO KNOW MY DOG ROOFIED
441
00:17:49,833 --> 00:17:51,073
ALL OF THEM.
442
00:17:51,067 --> 00:17:52,127
NOW HERE'S YOUR VIEWER VINE OF
443
00:17:52,133 --> 00:17:53,473
THE WEEK.
444
00:17:53,467 --> 00:17:55,267
>> WHERE AM I?
445
00:17:55,267 --> 00:17:57,067
>> WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY A
446
00:17:57,067 --> 00:17:57,567
GAME?
447
00:17:57,567 --> 00:17:58,597
>> GAME?
448
00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:00,170
>> RAISE THIS.
449
00:18:00,167 --> 00:18:01,667
>> RAISE THIS?
450
00:18:01,667 --> 00:18:03,527
>> WOULD LIKE TO PLAY A GAME?
451
00:18:03,533 --> 00:18:05,503
>> RAISE THIS BABY.
452
00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:09,930
>> THERE AIN'T NO BABY.
453
00:18:09,933 --> 00:18:11,873
>> Tosh: COME ON JIGSAW THAT'S
454
00:18:11,867 --> 00:18:13,097
NOT HOW SAW WORKS.
455
00:18:13,100 --> 00:18:16,800
YOU HAVE TO GIVE TWO OPTIONS.
456
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:20,070
CAN'T HE BITE HIS WHEN OFF.
457
00:18:20,067 --> 00:18:22,197
THIS IS WHERE I COME BACK WITH A
458
00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:24,470
SHOW THAT'S NO LONGER ON THE
459
00:18:24,467 --> 00:18:27,067
NETWORK AND I USED CHAPELLE SHOW
460
00:18:27,067 --> 00:18:29,067
BUT THE DAY HAS COME WHERE WE'VE
461
00:18:29,067 --> 00:18:30,067
GONE THROUGH EVERY PROGRAM
462
00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:31,597
THAT'S BEEN ON COMEDY CENTRAL
463
00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:34,300
AND SINCE THEY REFUSE TO GROW A
464
00:18:34,300 --> 00:18:37,430
PAIR AND CANCEL NEW SHOWS WE
465
00:18:37,433 --> 00:18:39,873
KNOW SHOULD NOT BE ON TV WE NEED
466
00:18:39,867 --> 00:18:42,397
AN IN TRADITION.
467
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:44,070
NOW WE'LL START SAYING AN OUT OF
468
00:18:44,067 --> 00:18:45,267
CONTEXT LINE THAT HAD TO BE CUT
469
00:18:45,267 --> 00:18:47,297
FROM ONE OF OUR EPISODES.
470
00:18:47,300 --> 00:18:47,730
OKAY.
471
00:18:47,733 --> 00:18:50,433
FIRST, ALL THE ATTRACTIVE GIRLS
472
00:18:50,433 --> 00:18:58,973
IN JAPAN ARE ANIMATED.
473
00:18:58,967 --> 00:19:00,127
>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.
474
00:19:00,133 --> 00:19:02,203
WHILE I DO THE PLUGS WHY NOT PUT
475
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,200
ON ON THE SONG DIP BY DANNY
476
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:05,630
BROWN AND PRETEND HE'S OUR
477
00:19:05,633 --> 00:19:06,573
MUSICAL GUEST.
478
00:19:06,567 --> 00:19:08,467
NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW WE TAKE ON
479
00:19:08,467 --> 00:19:09,697
THE EDUCATION SYSTEM WITH THIS
480
00:19:09,700 --> 00:19:10,370
CLASS CLOWN.
481
00:19:10,367 --> 00:19:12,467
>> YOU WANT KIDS TO COME TO YOUR
482
00:19:12,467 --> 00:19:15,167
CLASS AND GET EXCITED YOU HAVE
483
00:19:15,167 --> 00:19:18,367
TO COME IN AND MAKE THEM
484
00:19:18,367 --> 00:19:19,067
EXCITED.
485
00:19:19,067 --> 00:19:20,597
WANT THE KIDS TO DO BETTER HAVE
486
00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:21,570
YOU TO TOUCH HIS HEART
487
00:19:21,567 --> 00:19:23,197
YOU CAN'T EXPECT A KID TO CHANGE
488
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:24,370
IF YOU JUST TELL HIM.
489
00:19:24,367 --> 00:19:27,297
>> Tosh: I AGREE WITH HIM ON
490
00:19:27,300 --> 00:19:28,670
EVERYTHING BUT THE LONG BLOND
491
00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:28,967
HAIR.
492
00:19:28,967 --> 00:19:30,827
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER, KEEP UP
493
00:19:30,833 --> 00:19:33,333
WITH OUR BLOG AND SEE ME DO
494
00:19:33,333 --> 00:19:34,873
STAND-UP COMEDY IF YOU HAVE THE
495
00:19:34,867 --> 00:19:36,797
MEANS AND A NEW EPISODE OF
496
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:38,130
BRICKLEBERRY'S UP NEXT.
497
00:19:38,133 --> 00:19:41,603
FINALLY, WE'VE SEEN THE
498
00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:43,070
TEAR-JERKING VIDEOS OF SOLDIERS
499
00:19:43,067 --> 00:19:44,727
RETURNING HOME TO THEIR FAMILIES
500
00:19:44,733 --> 00:19:49,533
BUT OUR EMOTIONS ARE BEING
501
00:19:49,533 --> 00:19:51,703
MANIPULATED WE MUSIC.
502
00:19:51,700 --> 00:19:53,570
WE DON'T KNOW IF THEIR WIVES
503
00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:55,067
CHEATED ON THEM AND I'M NOT
504
00:19:55,067 --> 00:19:57,927
SAYING IT'S A LOT BUT SOME OF
505
00:19:57,933 --> 00:19:59,503
THOSE SOLDIERS COMMITTED
506
00:19:59,500 --> 00:20:01,330
UNSPEAKABLE ATROCITIES.
507
00:20:01,333 --> 00:20:03,303
IN HONOR OF HALLOWEEN I TOOK THE
508
00:20:03,300 --> 00:20:05,500
SAME VIDEOS AND GAVE THEM A
509
00:20:05,500 --> 00:20:19,500
SPOOKIER FEEL.
510
00:20:19,500 --> 00:20:34,070
[ SCREAMING ]
511
00:20:34,067 --> 00:20:37,727
[ HEART BEATING SOUND ]
512
00:20:37,733 --> 00:20:38,303
[ SCREAMING
513
00:20:38,300 --> 00:20:41,770
[
514
00:20:46,100 --> 00:20:47,300
>> OH, MY GOD!
515
00:20:47,300 --> 00:20:50,370
OH, MY GOD!
516
00:20:50,367 --> 00:20:59,267
[ SCREAMING ]
517
00:20:59,267 --> 00:21:00,797
>> Tosh: GOOD NIGHT AND
518
00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:03,170
REMEMBER, IF YOU'RE GOING AS
519
00:21:03,167 --> 00:21:04,827
DANIEL TOSH FOR HALLOWEEN FEEL
520
00:21:04,833 --> 00:21:07,873
FREE TO BREAK AS MANY LAWS AS
521
00:21:07,867 --> 00:21:08,697
YOU WANT.
522
00:21:08,700 --> 00:21:16,070
COPS WON'T ARREST ME.
523
00:21:16,067 --> 00:21:17,397
>> Tosh: HOW MANY CALORIES CAN
524
00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:19,230
ONE EXPECT TO BURN DOING YOUR
525
00:21:19,233 --> 00:21:19,933
WORKOUT?
526
00:21:19,933 --> 00:21:21,333
>> I HAVE SEVERAL DIFFERENT ONES
527
00:21:21,333 --> 00:21:24,233
BUT THE SPECIAL ONE IS CALLED MY
528
00:21:24,233 --> 00:21:25,333
G-FORCE WORKOUT.
529
00:21:25,333 --> 00:21:26,803
>> Tosh: NOTHING TO DO WITH THE
530
00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:27,300
G-SPOT.
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