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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:22,733 --> 00:00:25,133 >> YOU READY? 2 00:00:25,133 --> 00:00:27,903 >> I'M ROLLING. 3 00:00:27,900 --> 00:00:40,200 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 4 00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:42,400 >> Tosh: HE'LL BE BACK TO FULL 5 00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:43,700 SPEED IN NO TIME. 6 00:00:43,700 --> 00:00:46,830 THAT'S NICE THING ABOUT BEING. 7 00:00:46,833 --> 00:00:48,733 RIGHT, KOBE? 8 00:00:48,733 --> 00:00:50,973 WELCOME TO "TOSH.0." 9 00:00:50,967 --> 00:00:52,197 WE'RE LIVE TONIGHT SO NO ONE 10 00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:53,730 KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN. 11 00:00:53,733 --> 00:00:54,873 >> BLEEP YOU. 12 00:00:54,867 --> 00:00:56,567 >> Tosh: THANK YOU FOR 13 00:00:56,567 --> 00:00:57,597 RESPECTING WE'RE LIVE AND 14 00:00:57,600 --> 00:01:02,400 SENSORI 15 00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:04,800 CENSORING YOURSELF. 16 00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:09,800 YOU MEET THE HOTTEST UNEMPLOYED 17 00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:15,470 GIRL AND NOW TAKE ME BACK TO THE 18 00:01:15,467 --> 00:01:19,127 ANNUAL LOADING DOCK BELLY FLOP 19 00:01:19,133 --> 00:01:19,773 CONTEST. 20 00:01:19,767 --> 00:01:28,397 HIS FIRST MISTAKE WAS PUTTING ON 21 00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:28,800 SHORTS. 22 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:29,900 >> I'M READY. 23 00:01:29,900 --> 00:01:30,870 >> I'M ROLLING. 24 00:01:30,867 --> 00:01:32,197 >> Tosh: THIS GUY'S GUARDIAN 25 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:35,330 ANGEL GAVE UP A LONG TIME AGO. 26 00:01:35,333 --> 00:01:38,233 NOW JUST LIE THERE AND HOLD THAT 27 00:01:38,233 --> 00:01:39,933 PARKING SPACE FOR THE AMBULANCE. 28 00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:42,703 HIS NEXT VIDEO HAS ONE MOM AND 29 00:01:42,700 --> 00:01:51,500 THREE TEENAGED GIRLS IN AN SUV. 30 00:01:51,500 --> 00:01:54,770 YOU BE OUTSIDE WHEN CHARLOTTE'S 31 00:01:54,767 --> 00:01:57,627 MOM DRIVES CARPOOL OR SHE'S 32 00:01:57,633 --> 00:02:15,433 COMING IN AFTER YOU. 33 00:02:15,433 --> 00:02:17,573 >> Tosh: IT'S A MIRACLE DANICA 34 00:02:17,567 --> 00:02:19,527 PATRICK EVER MAKES IT OUT OF THE 35 00:02:19,533 --> 00:02:19,903 PIT. 36 00:02:19,900 --> 00:02:23,900 THAT'S WHAT THEY DESERVE HANGING 37 00:02:23,900 --> 00:02:25,830 A STUPID THANKSGIVING FLAG. 38 00:02:25,833 --> 00:02:27,503 HOLIDAYS DON'T GET FLAGS. 39 00:02:27,500 --> 00:02:29,330 YOU PROBABLY THINK THAT'S GREAT 40 00:02:29,333 --> 00:02:30,503 CAMERA WORK. 41 00:02:30,500 --> 00:02:32,330 THAT'S BECAUSE IT WASN'T AN 42 00:02:32,333 --> 00:02:32,773 ACCIDENT. 43 00:02:32,767 --> 00:02:35,767 >> FROM THE PRODUCER THAT 44 00:02:35,767 --> 00:02:37,267 BROUGHT PUNKED AND THEN CREATED 45 00:02:37,267 --> 00:02:39,197 A SIMILAR SHOW WHERE THE BIGGEST 46 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:40,730 PRANK IS TRYING TO CONVINCE 47 00:02:40,733 --> 00:02:42,073 MIDDLE AMERICA THAT'S NOT FAKE 48 00:02:42,067 --> 00:02:44,227 AND SETUP AND THE CELEBRITIES 49 00:02:44,233 --> 00:02:46,073 ARE CELEBRITIES TO COME YET 50 00:02:46,067 --> 00:02:47,167 ANOTHER PRANK SHOW. 51 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,297 >> Tosh: SERIOUSLY? 52 00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:49,570 I CANT CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THE 53 00:02:49,567 --> 00:02:52,927 LOOK ON THAT SOCCER'S MOM'S FACE 54 00:02:52,933 --> 00:02:56,973 WHEN SHE SEES DANIEL TOSH WAS 55 00:02:56,967 --> 00:02:59,197 CONTROLLING HER CAR THE WHOLE 56 00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:00,070 TIME. 57 00:03:00,067 --> 00:03:01,327 >> COMING TO CBS. 58 00:03:01,333 --> 00:03:04,073 VERY WILLING TO RECYCLE IDEAS. 59 00:03:04,067 --> 00:03:05,067 >> Tosh: IT DOESN'T EXIST. 60 00:03:05,067 --> 00:03:05,827 PRANKED YOU AGAIN. 61 00:03:05,833 --> 00:03:09,833 THE CAMERA'S RIGHT HERE. 62 00:03:09,833 --> 00:03:12,103 YOU GUYS PUMPED ABOUT THE NEW 63 00:03:12,100 --> 00:03:14,130 CHUTES AND LADDERS MOVIE? 64 00:03:14,133 --> 00:03:16,073 LOOKS WAY BETTER THAN 65 00:03:16,067 --> 00:03:25,527 BATTLESHIP. 66 00:03:25,533 --> 00:03:30,203 YOU FORGOT YOUR HOSE. 67 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:31,500 WITH THE COMBINE LIKE THAT HE'LL 68 00:03:31,500 --> 00:03:34,430 GO EARLY IN THE FIRST ROUND OF 69 00:03:34,433 --> 00:03:37,073 THE FIREFIGHTERS DRAFT. 70 00:03:37,067 --> 00:03:38,897 WHERE WAS THAT HUSTLE WHEN THE 71 00:03:38,900 --> 00:03:41,100 POLICE WERE KICKING YOUR ASS IN 72 00:03:41,100 --> 00:03:41,830 SOFTBALL. 73 00:03:41,833 --> 00:03:43,273 TOO BAD THE TWIN TOWERS WEREN'T 74 00:03:43,267 --> 00:03:46,567 A THREE-STORY DUPLEX. 75 00:03:46,567 --> 00:03:48,297 I'VE ALWAYS SAID THE BEST 76 00:03:48,300 --> 00:04:00,530 DEFENSE IS A CONSTANT OFFENSE. 77 00:04:00,533 --> 00:04:02,273 I ASSUME SHE'S JUST GEARING UP 78 00:04:02,267 --> 00:04:04,267 TO MASTURBATE. 79 00:04:04,267 --> 00:04:08,697 ARE THOSE WALLS CITRON? 80 00:04:08,700 --> 00:04:09,500 VERY TROPICAL. 81 00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:11,070 DON'T BE AFRAID TO MIX IT UP TO 82 00:04:11,067 --> 00:04:12,497 THE BODY ONCE IN A WHILE. 83 00:04:12,500 --> 00:04:13,700 HOPEFULLY THE FIRST MATCH IS 84 00:04:13,700 --> 00:04:18,570 AGAINST THE FIGHTING NUN. 85 00:04:18,567 --> 00:04:19,827 YEP, NEVER KEEP YOUR BEER IN THE 86 00:04:19,833 --> 00:04:24,073 FOLLOW BOAT. 87 00:04:24,067 --> 00:04:26,967 >> BEER FOR ALL THE BEER. 88 00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:30,267 OH! 89 00:04:30,267 --> 00:04:32,067 >> Tosh: DAMMIT, DALE. 90 00:04:32,067 --> 00:04:34,067 YOU'RE GOING SCARE AWAY ALL THE 91 00:04:34,067 --> 00:04:34,627 TROUT. 92 00:04:34,633 --> 00:04:38,703 >> OH! 93 00:04:38,700 --> 00:04:39,700 >> Tosh: THAT'S JUST GOD 94 00:04:39,700 --> 00:04:42,370 THROWING HIM BACK. 95 00:04:42,367 --> 00:04:43,697 >> OH! 96 00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:45,470 >> Tosh: DON'T WORRY. 97 00:04:45,467 --> 00:04:46,897 THE BEER WILL FLOAT. 98 00:04:46,900 --> 00:04:47,830 NOW YOU OWN TWO BOATS. 99 00:04:47,833 --> 00:05:00,733 WHAT'S NEXT? 100 00:05:00,733 --> 00:05:03,133 YOU'RE TV ISN'T ON MUTE. 101 00:05:03,133 --> 00:05:05,073 THIS IS WHAT A DEAF HOUSE PARTY 102 00:05:05,067 --> 00:05:05,797 SOUNDS LIKE. 103 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:08,170 NOW LET'S RESPECT THEM BY 104 00:05:08,167 --> 00:05:09,697 TREATING THEM LIKE EVERYBODY 105 00:05:09,700 --> 00:05:11,070 ELSE AND MAKE FUN OF THEM IN 106 00:05:11,067 --> 00:05:13,127 THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN. 107 00:05:13,133 --> 00:05:15,733 DEAF HALLOWEEN PARTIES ARE THE 108 00:05:15,733 --> 00:05:16,203 BEST. 109 00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:20,470 YOU CAN'T HEAR TRICK-OR-TREATERS 110 00:05:20,467 --> 00:05:22,527 RING THE DOOR BELL. 111 00:05:22,533 --> 00:05:26,073 THAT'S MORE BIT O HONEY FOR US. 112 00:05:26,067 --> 00:05:31,627 FOR THEM LIFE IS LIKE HAVING 113 00:05:31,633 --> 00:05:32,703 NOISE-CANCELLING HEADPHONES 114 00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:34,130 BUILT IN YOU'RE SKULL. 115 00:05:34,133 --> 00:05:35,403 DON'T BE AFRAID TO LAUGH. 116 00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:36,400 THEY CAN'T HEAR US. 117 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:38,200 BLIND PARTIES ARE THE WORSE. 118 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,070 EVERYBODY'S CONSTANTLY FEELING 119 00:05:40,067 --> 00:05:40,597 YOUR FACE. 120 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:42,330 NO ONE CAN FIND THE CHIP BOWL. 121 00:05:42,333 --> 00:05:43,503 IT'S STARTED TO GET HEATED. 122 00:05:43,500 --> 00:05:45,230 I TOOK A SEMESTER OF SIGN 123 00:05:45,233 --> 00:05:46,573 LANGUAGE ABROAD SO LET ME TELL 124 00:05:46,567 --> 00:05:48,397 YOU WHAT'S GOING ON HERE. 125 00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:50,400 RIGHT NOW HE'S ASKING WHAT'S 126 00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:52,700 WRONG WITH YOU. 127 00:05:52,700 --> 00:05:54,070 OTHER THAN HIS OBVIOUS HEARING 128 00:05:54,067 --> 00:05:59,367 IMPAIRMENT AND THE PARTY'S A 129 00:05:59,367 --> 00:06:00,197 SAUSAGEFEST. 130 00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:01,400 THE GUY IN THE HAT JUST SAID 131 00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:01,870 [BLEEP] 132 00:06:01,867 --> 00:06:03,197 YOU REMEMBER, IF YOU WANT TO 133 00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:05,070 SHUT HIM UP PUNCH HIM IN THE 134 00:06:05,067 --> 00:06:05,567 HANDS. 135 00:06:05,567 --> 00:06:09,467 NOW'S WHERE IT GETS TRICKY. 136 00:06:09,467 --> 00:06:12,127 YOU HONEYMOON MY GIRL, MY WIFE 137 00:06:12,133 --> 00:06:13,473 DOESN'T WANT AND ALSO TELLING 138 00:06:13,467 --> 00:06:14,827 HIM TO STEAL SECOND. 139 00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:16,473 WHAT A BEAUTIFUL LANGUAGE. 140 00:06:16,467 --> 00:06:17,627 ENOUGH CHARADES. 141 00:06:17,633 --> 00:06:19,973 LET'S GET IT ON. 142 00:06:19,967 --> 00:06:20,567 CAREFUL. 143 00:06:20,567 --> 00:06:24,597 THE DEAF BLACK GUY'S STILL A 144 00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:25,400 BLACK GUY. 145 00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:28,870 SOMEBODY TEXT 911. 146 00:06:28,867 --> 00:06:31,067 NOW SHAKE HANDS YOU TWO. 147 00:06:31,067 --> 00:06:33,227 THAT'S THEIR WAY OF KISSING. 148 00:06:33,233 --> 00:06:36,533 I CAN'T OVERSTATE HOW LUCKY THEY 149 00:06:36,533 --> 00:06:39,133 ARE THEY DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO 150 00:06:39,133 --> 00:06:45,503 THE NEW BRAD PAISLEY SONG. 151 00:06:45,500 --> 00:06:49,800 WE'LL BE BACK TO REDEEM THE 152 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:51,930 BROAD THAT WAS FIRED FOR BEING 153 00:06:51,933 --> 00:06:53,233 TOO SEXY. 154 00:06:53,233 --> 00:06:54,133 LOOK AT THIS STUPID KID. 155 00:07:00,167 --> 00:07:02,127 >> IMAGINE BEING FIRED BECAUSE 156 00:07:02,133 --> 00:07:03,773 YOU'RE JUST TOO SEXY. 157 00:07:03,767 --> 00:07:06,927 THAT'S WHAT MELISSA NELSON SAID 158 00:07:06,933 --> 00:07:07,603 TO HER. 159 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:09,530 AFTER WORK FOR HER DENTIST HE 160 00:07:09,533 --> 00:07:12,073 FIRED HER BECAUSE HE SAID SHE 161 00:07:12,067 --> 00:07:17,397 WAYS THREAT TO HIS MARRIAGE AND 162 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,270 COMMENT ON HER INFREQUENT SEX 163 00:07:19,267 --> 00:07:19,797 LIFE. 164 00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:22,870 THE ALL-MALE IOWA SUPREME COURT 165 00:07:22,867 --> 00:07:25,197 UNANIMOUSLY AGREED WITH THE 166 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:27,900 DENTIST RULING 7-0 THEY CAN GIVE 167 00:07:27,900 --> 00:07:29,670 WALKING PAPERS IF THEY FEEL 168 00:07:29,667 --> 00:07:32,267 THERE IS AN IRRESISTIBLE 169 00:07:32,267 --> 00:07:32,927 ATTRACTION. 170 00:07:32,933 --> 00:07:34,173 >> I'M DEVASTATED. 171 00:07:34,167 --> 00:07:39,327 >> Tosh: NOT SINCE NOAH WILY IN 172 00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:42,533 ER HAS MADE ANYONE LOOK SO 173 00:07:42,533 --> 00:07:46,073 TEMPTING AND THE IOWA SUPREME 174 00:07:46,067 --> 00:07:48,927 COURT DECLARED HER TOO HOT AND 175 00:07:48,933 --> 00:07:51,073 HER CREEPY OLD BOSS WAS AFRAID 176 00:07:51,067 --> 00:07:55,227 HE COULDN'T KEEP HIS DRILL IN 177 00:07:55,233 --> 00:07:56,733 HIS PANTS. 178 00:07:56,733 --> 00:07:58,833 MEN WOULD RATHER RUINING THEIR 179 00:07:58,833 --> 00:08:00,173 CAREER THAN HAVING SEX WITH 180 00:08:00,167 --> 00:08:01,967 THEIR AWFUL WIFE ONE MORE TIME. 181 00:08:01,967 --> 00:08:04,667 WHEN WOMEN ENTERED THE WORK 182 00:08:04,667 --> 00:08:06,497 FORCE IN THE 80s THEY WEREN'T 183 00:08:06,500 --> 00:08:12,330 ALLOWED TO COMPLAIN ABOUT SEXUAL 184 00:08:12,333 --> 00:08:13,673 HARASSMENT AND CONGRESS REFUSES 185 00:08:13,667 --> 00:08:19,067 TO DEFINE AN ERECTION. 186 00:08:19,067 --> 00:08:25,697 I WAS SELF-EMPLOYED. 187 00:08:25,700 --> 00:08:31,070 MASTURBATING WHILE DRIVING TO 188 00:08:31,067 --> 00:08:35,697 GIG WAS THE ONLY WAY TO STAY 189 00:08:35,700 --> 00:08:36,970 AWAKE. 190 00:08:36,967 --> 00:08:40,727 LADIES, RANDOM BREAST EXAMS ARE 191 00:08:40,733 --> 00:08:43,803 NOT MANDATORY. 192 00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:46,770 STOP BLOCKING IMPORTANT AWORK OR 193 00:08:46,767 --> 00:08:48,327 FORCE WOMEN TO CONCEAL 194 00:08:48,333 --> 00:08:51,173 THEMSELVES UNDER BURKAS. 195 00:08:51,167 --> 00:08:52,167 LADY WHO'S WEAR THOSE 196 00:08:52,167 --> 00:08:53,467 HISTORICALLY HAVE BEEN TREATED 197 00:08:53,467 --> 00:08:53,897 NICE. 198 00:08:53,900 --> 00:08:55,870 IF YOU DON'T WANT TO FALL VICTIM 199 00:08:55,867 --> 00:09:01,067 TO SEXUAL HARASSMENT DRESS LIKE 200 00:09:01,067 --> 00:09:01,627 ELLEN. 201 00:09:01,633 --> 00:09:03,203 SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY 202 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:06,570 ABOUT HER BOSS'S DIRTY MIND AND 203 00:09:06,567 --> 00:09:10,597 INVITED HER TO GIVE ME AN ORAL 204 00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:12,370 EXAMINE HOLLYWOOD WHERE WOMEN 205 00:09:12,367 --> 00:09:16,067 ARE ANYONE OBJECTFIED. 206 00:09:16,067 --> 00:09:18,267 YOU'VE HAD THE SAME JOB THE PAST 207 00:09:18,267 --> 00:09:18,867 20 YEARS. 208 00:09:18,867 --> 00:09:22,627 I HAVE PART-TIME WORK AT A DOG 209 00:09:22,633 --> 00:09:23,773 SHAMPOOING DAY SPA IF YOU'RE 210 00:09:23,767 --> 00:09:33,797 INTERESTED. 211 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:36,400 THIS TEMPT AGENCY TURNED INTO A 212 00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:37,400 TEMPTATION AGENCY. 213 00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:39,070 ARE YOU FROM TENNESSEE BECAUSE 214 00:09:39,067 --> 00:09:41,397 YOU'RE THE ONLY TEN I SEE. 215 00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:44,130 THAT DRESS IS BECOMING ON YOU. 216 00:09:44,133 --> 00:09:46,733 I HAD IT MY WAY IT WOULD BE 217 00:09:46,733 --> 00:09:48,803 COMING OFF YOU. 218 00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:52,770 BRENT MUSSBERGER WOULD LOSE HIS 219 00:09:52,767 --> 00:09:53,867 GODDAMN MIND. 220 00:09:53,867 --> 00:09:55,767 >> HELLO. 221 00:09:55,767 --> 00:09:56,927 I'M MELISSA. 222 00:09:56,933 --> 00:09:58,073 >> I'M DANIEL. 223 00:09:58,067 --> 00:10:01,927 >> NICE TO MEET YOU. 224 00:10:01,933 --> 00:10:04,703 >> Tosh: MELISSA, BEFORE I SEND 225 00:10:04,700 --> 00:10:06,530 YOU OUT I HAVE TO GET TO KNOW 226 00:10:06,533 --> 00:10:06,933 YOU. 227 00:10:06,933 --> 00:10:09,903 DESCRIBE YOUR PERFECT MAN THAT 228 00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:12,870 LOOKS LIKE ME. 229 00:10:12,867 --> 00:10:15,927 WERE YOU A GOOD HYGIENIST? 230 00:10:15,933 --> 00:10:18,403 >> OF COURSE. 231 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:25,670 >> Tosh: HOW MANY CAVITIES I 232 00:10:25,667 --> 00:10:26,967 HAVE HAD? 233 00:10:26,967 --> 00:10:27,597 >> EIGHT. 234 00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:29,100 >> Tosh: I'VE HAD AN 235 00:10:29,100 --> 00:10:30,030 OPPORTUNITY. 236 00:10:30,033 --> 00:10:31,273 TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED. 237 00:10:31,267 --> 00:10:33,497 >> HE CALLED ME INTO HIS OFFICE 238 00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:35,070 WITH HIS PASTOR. 239 00:10:35,067 --> 00:10:36,067 >> Tosh: OKAY. 240 00:10:36,067 --> 00:10:38,227 >> HE SAID HE WASN'T ABLE TO 241 00:10:38,233 --> 00:10:40,433 FOCUS ON HIS FAMILY. 242 00:10:40,433 --> 00:10:41,773 >> Tosh: DID THE PASTOR THROW 243 00:10:41,767 --> 00:10:43,027 WATER ON YOU? 244 00:10:43,033 --> 00:10:44,173 >> NO. 245 00:10:44,167 --> 00:10:46,297 >> Tosh: DID YOU WALK OUT 246 00:10:46,300 --> 00:10:47,170 SLUTTY? 247 00:10:47,167 --> 00:10:49,897 >> PROBABLY. 248 00:10:49,900 --> 00:10:54,900 >> OLD HABITS DIE HARD. 249 00:10:54,900 --> 00:10:56,370 >> PROBABLY. 250 00:10:56,367 --> 00:10:57,197 >> Tosh: DESCRIBE YOUR 251 00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:58,900 RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR BOSS FOR 252 00:10:58,900 --> 00:11:01,270 THE FIRST NINE AND A HALF YEARS. 253 00:11:01,267 --> 00:11:05,727 >> HE WAS LIKE MAY DAD. 254 00:11:05,733 --> 00:11:08,503 FATHER FIGURE. 255 00:11:08,500 --> 00:11:10,430 >> Tosh: DID HE SPANK YOU? 256 00:11:10,433 --> 00:11:11,073 >> NO. 257 00:11:11,067 --> 00:11:13,327 >> Tosh: DID YOU HANG OUT WITH 258 00:11:13,333 --> 00:11:14,973 HIM SOCIALLY. 259 00:11:14,967 --> 00:11:19,297 >> HIS WIFE TAUGHT ME HOW TO 260 00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:21,400 MAKE PIE. 261 00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:22,330 >> Tosh: WHAT KIND? 262 00:11:22,333 --> 00:11:23,833 >> CHERRY. 263 00:11:23,833 --> 00:11:29,073 >> Tosh: I WOULD LOVE TO TASTE 264 00:11:29,067 --> 00:11:29,927 YOUR CHERRY. 265 00:11:29,933 --> 00:11:32,603 I THINK YOU'RE MORE OF IN AN 266 00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:33,430 ASTON MARTIN. 267 00:11:33,433 --> 00:11:34,773 YOU DON'T WANT TO TAKE IT OUT 268 00:11:34,767 --> 00:11:36,697 EVERY DAY. 269 00:11:36,700 --> 00:11:37,800 THAT'S YOUR SPECIAL OCCASION 270 00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:39,270 VEHICLE. 271 00:11:39,267 --> 00:11:42,467 M 272 00:11:42,467 --> 00:11:47,667 MELISSA I LINED UP A FEW TEMP 273 00:11:47,667 --> 00:11:48,667 JOBS. 274 00:11:48,667 --> 00:11:49,267 >> OKAY. 275 00:11:49,267 --> 00:11:51,067 >> Tosh: IT'S GOOD DO SEE YOU. 276 00:11:51,067 --> 00:11:53,067 >> GOOD TO SEE YOU TOO. 277 00:11:53,067 --> 00:11:56,267 >> Tosh: I HAVE A VERY SPECIFIC 278 00:11:56,267 --> 00:11:58,367 ROTATION THAT I ADHERE TO. 279 00:11:58,367 --> 00:12:00,327 NOW THE FACT YOU'VE GOTTEN FIRED 280 00:12:00,333 --> 00:12:05,073 FROM THREE JOBS IS UNACCEPTABLE. 281 00:12:05,067 --> 00:12:13,067 YOU GOT YOUR JOB BARTENDING IN A 282 00:12:13,067 --> 00:12:13,727 GAY BAR. 283 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,503 >> THEY WEREN'T ALL YEAR. 284 00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:17,970 >> Tosh: AND I FOUND OUT ALL THE 285 00:12:17,967 --> 00:12:19,497 DUDES WERE LEAVING DEPOSITS ON 286 00:12:19,500 --> 00:12:21,170 THE WAITING ROOM FLOOR IS BAD 287 00:12:21,167 --> 00:12:21,727 BUSINESS. 288 00:12:21,733 --> 00:12:23,073 >> SORRY ABOUT THAT. 289 00:12:23,067 --> 00:12:25,327 >> Tosh: I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS 290 00:12:25,333 --> 00:12:26,673 IS POSSIBLE BUT YOU GET FIRED 291 00:12:26,667 --> 00:12:29,697 FOR BEING TOO HOT AS A 911 292 00:12:29,700 --> 00:12:30,130 OPERATOR. 293 00:12:30,133 --> 00:12:32,103 THEY SENT OVER A TAPE. 294 00:12:32,100 --> 00:12:34,830 >> 911, WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY. 295 00:12:34,833 --> 00:12:40,373 >> OH, DAMN, WHAT'S UP, GIRL. 296 00:12:40,367 --> 00:12:41,327 WERE JUST SHOT? 297 00:12:41,333 --> 00:12:42,533 >> KIND OF. 298 00:12:42,533 --> 00:12:45,903 YOU WANT TO COME OVER? 299 00:12:45,900 --> 00:12:47,570 >> Tosh: MELISSA, YOU'RE IN 300 00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:47,967 LUCK. 301 00:12:47,967 --> 00:12:49,197 I'M LEAVING THIS PLACE AND 302 00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:51,300 OPENING UP MY OWN DENTIST 303 00:12:51,300 --> 00:12:51,870 OFFICE. 304 00:12:51,867 --> 00:12:55,727 >> YOU'RE A DENTIST? 305 00:12:55,733 --> 00:12:57,473 >> Tosh: I AM ACCORDING TO 306 00:12:57,467 --> 00:12:59,897 DENTAL ZOOM.COM. 307 00:12:59,900 --> 00:13:02,330 I ONLY MISS LEAD IT ON THE TEST. 308 00:13:02,333 --> 00:13:05,173 I'M GOING COMBINE YOUR DENTAL 309 00:13:05,167 --> 00:13:09,067 EXPERTISE WITH YOUR SLUTTY GOOD 310 00:13:09,067 --> 00:13:11,167 LOOKS. 311 00:13:11,167 --> 00:13:16,167 I'M CALLING IT DEN-TITS. 312 00:13:16,167 --> 00:13:19,367 >> WHY AQUA FRESH AMY? 313 00:13:19,367 --> 00:13:20,367 >> SHE WENT HOME. 314 00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:22,067 SHE HAD TO LOSE A FEW POUNDS. 315 00:13:22,067 --> 00:13:26,067 I HAD TO GET HER IN WITH 316 00:13:26,067 --> 00:13:26,467 MELISSA. 317 00:13:26,467 --> 00:13:30,567 >> WELL, HOW BIG ARE HER TITS? 318 00:13:30,567 --> 00:13:31,727 >> THEY'RE PERFECT. 319 00:13:31,733 --> 00:13:36,073 >> IT'S ALL YOU CAN IN HAIL 320 00:13:36,067 --> 00:13:36,527 NITROGEN. 321 00:13:36,533 --> 00:13:58,633 NOW OPEN UP AND SAY MELISSA. 322 00:13:58,633 --> 00:13:59,503 >> SONGS OVER. 323 00:13:59,500 --> 00:14:01,670 TIME TO PAY. 324 00:14:01,667 --> 00:14:05,097 THANK YOU. 325 00:14:05,100 --> 00:14:10,230 THE DOCTOR WILL BE IN SHORTLY. 326 00:14:10,233 --> 00:14:12,133 >> Tosh: MAT? 327 00:14:12,133 --> 00:14:16,233 >> HI, DOC. 328 00:14:16,233 --> 00:14:17,433 WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR LEG? 329 00:14:17,433 --> 00:14:20,533 >> Tosh: GOLF COURSE. 330 00:14:20,533 --> 00:14:21,703 THIS DOES THE TRICK. 331 00:14:21,700 --> 00:14:25,300 OKAY. 332 00:14:25,300 --> 00:14:28,830 LET'S GET IN THERE. 333 00:14:28,833 --> 00:14:29,873 YOU KNOW THE RULES. 334 00:14:29,867 --> 00:14:35,767 NO TOUCHING. 335 00:14:35,767 --> 00:14:37,067 OPEN UP. 336 00:14:37,067 --> 00:14:38,527 >> Tosh: IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHY 337 00:14:38,533 --> 00:14:40,073 THAT OFFICE DIDN'T HAVE A SINK 338 00:14:40,067 --> 00:14:42,767 IT'S BECAUSE AT DEN-TITS 339 00:14:42,767 --> 00:14:44,397 EVERYONE IS REQUIRED TO SWALLOW. 340 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:45,600 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST 341 00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:46,870 YOU CUT HIM OFF, HE'LL CUT YOU 342 00:14:46,867 --> 00:15:24,767 OFF. 343 00:15:24,767 --> 00:15:27,927 >> Tosh: BLAKE LIVELY'S EARLY 344 00:15:27,933 --> 00:15:35,073 WORK IS VERY EROTIC. 345 00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:38,067 MAYBE SHE WAS RAISED BY CATS. 346 00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:39,097 I'M BUSY. 347 00:15:39,100 --> 00:15:41,500 COULD YOU COME BACK AND LICK 348 00:15:41,500 --> 00:15:58,470 EVERYTHING IN ABOUT AN HOUR? 349 00:15:58,867 --> 00:16:00,667 >> VERY CLEAN. 350 00:16:00,667 --> 00:16:02,167 >> Tosh: HOPEFULLY HER PARENTS 351 00:16:02,167 --> 00:16:03,827 ARE DEAD. 352 00:16:03,833 --> 00:16:06,603 WE ALL USE OUR MARRIOTT REWARDS 353 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:07,900 POINTS DIFFERENTLY. 354 00:16:07,900 --> 00:16:09,270 I'M A SEASONED TRAVELER AND I 355 00:16:09,267 --> 00:16:11,667 DON'T WANT TO GIVE AWAY MY 356 00:16:11,667 --> 00:16:13,927 SECRETS BUT THIS IS A GLIMPSE OF 357 00:16:13,933 --> 00:16:15,633 WHAT I DO EVERY TIME I STAY IN A 358 00:16:15,633 --> 00:16:26,073 HOTEL. 359 00:16:26,067 --> 00:16:27,667 GET THE BATTERIES GOOD AND DEEP 360 00:16:27,667 --> 00:16:31,427 IN YOUR TANK AND THEN PUT THEM 361 00:16:31,433 --> 00:16:35,973 IN THE WRONG WAY IN THE REMOTE 362 00:16:35,967 --> 00:16:36,567 CONTROL. 363 00:16:36,567 --> 00:16:41,867 ONE PREGNANT VENOMOUS SPIDER. 364 00:16:41,867 --> 00:16:46,167 ONE FRESH BATCH OF SEMEN. 365 00:16:46,167 --> 00:16:50,067 WE'RE UP TO A BAG OF PISTACHIOS. 366 00:16:50,067 --> 00:16:55,667 SUCK THE SALT OFF THEM AND USE 367 00:16:55,667 --> 00:17:02,697 MY INDUSTRIAL SEALER. 368 00:17:02,700 --> 00:17:03,970 BLOODY DILDO. 369 00:17:03,967 --> 00:17:06,597 AND DON'T FORGET THE SEMEN FOR 370 00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:15,170 YOUR FINAL MASTERPIECE. 371 00:17:15,167 --> 00:17:17,497 DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE. 372 00:17:17,500 --> 00:17:22,100 LEAVE AT LEAST TWO DOLLARS FOR A 373 00:17:22,100 --> 00:17:22,500 TIP. 374 00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:23,930 TO BE FAIR IT WAS A HOTEL THAT 375 00:17:23,933 --> 00:17:25,303 MAKES YOU CHECK OUT AT 11:00 376 00:17:25,300 --> 00:17:26,470 A.M. 377 00:17:26,467 --> 00:17:28,627 NOW, IT'S BEEN TWO WHOLE 378 00:17:28,633 --> 00:17:31,703 EPISODES SINCE I LAST SHOWED A 379 00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:34,170 VIEWER VIDEO SO DON'T PRETEND 380 00:17:34,167 --> 00:17:35,527 YOUR NOT PSYCHED THIS IS THE 381 00:17:35,533 --> 00:17:37,203 FIRST SUBMISSION FROM INSIDE 382 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:55,070 FREE IRAQ. 383 00:17:55,067 --> 00:17:57,597 >> Tosh: NOT THE FUNNIEST BUT 384 00:17:57,600 --> 00:17:58,870 LAUGHTER'S ONLY BEEN ALLOWED IN 385 00:17:58,867 --> 00:18:00,467 THAT MONTH THREE MONTHS SO DON'T 386 00:18:00,467 --> 00:18:02,067 BE HARD ON THEM. 387 00:18:02,067 --> 00:18:04,597 WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE 100 388 00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:15,330 GREATEST STANDUPS OF ALL TIMES. 389 00:18:15,333 --> 00:18:16,403 >> Tosh: WELCOME BACK. 390 00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:18,200 IF YOU'VE BEEN WONDERING WHERE 391 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:20,430 MY CASHMERE CALL OFF THE SEARCH 392 00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:21,073 PARTY. 393 00:18:21,067 --> 00:18:26,397 TONIGHT I'M PAMPERING MY DOGS. 394 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:28,800 CASHMERE SOCKS WHICH IS A REAL 395 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,330 PAIN IN THE ASS BECAUSE IT 396 00:18:30,333 --> 00:18:32,103 COUNTS AS TWO GARMENTS WHEN YOU 397 00:18:32,100 --> 00:18:33,900 GET THEM DRY-CLEANED. 398 00:18:33,900 --> 00:18:36,900 NEXT WEEK THE BLACK DR. RUTH 399 00:18:36,900 --> 00:18:38,230 TEACHES ME TO BE A GREAT LOVER. 400 00:18:38,233 --> 00:18:44,503 >> THE PENIS IS A POWERFUL ORGAN 401 00:18:44,500 --> 00:18:45,930 LIKE YOU ROCKET YOU SEE AND 402 00:18:45,933 --> 00:18:47,273 THERE'S INFORMATION TO DO WHAT 403 00:18:47,267 --> 00:18:48,367 IT DO. 404 00:18:48,367 --> 00:18:50,797 IT'S SO GOOD AS SHE STARTED ROCK 405 00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:54,170 IT SHE SAID SOMETHING JUST HIT 406 00:18:54,167 --> 00:18:56,867 AND BAM ALL UPSIDE THE HEAD. 407 00:18:56,867 --> 00:18:58,527 >> Tosh: WANT TO MAKE THINGS 408 00:18:58,533 --> 00:19:00,073 SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE WATCH THAT 409 00:19:00,067 --> 00:19:02,467 WITH YOUR PARENTS. 410 00:19:02,467 --> 00:19:05,827 IF YOU FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER, 411 00:19:05,833 --> 00:19:07,633 IGNORE WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY. 412 00:19:07,633 --> 00:19:10,773 FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER. 413 00:19:10,767 --> 00:19:15,267 COMMENT ON MY BLOG AND SEE ME DO 414 00:19:15,267 --> 00:19:17,267 STAND-UP ON THE JUNE GLOOM TOUR 415 00:19:17,267 --> 00:19:20,767 WITH SPECIAL GUEST JARROD 416 00:19:20,767 --> 00:19:21,397 CARMICHAEL. 417 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:23,130 FINALLY FOUND A PICTURE AND IT'S 418 00:19:23,133 --> 00:19:24,273 A BAD LINK. 419 00:19:24,267 --> 00:19:26,467 SO FAKE-FRUSTRATED WITH THE BIT 420 00:19:26,467 --> 00:19:34,297 AND I JUST ADDED A DATE IN 421 00:19:34,300 --> 00:19:35,400 GREELEY, COLORADO. 422 00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:37,530 FINALLY, FRIDAY IS ARBOR DAY. 423 00:19:37,533 --> 00:19:38,133 YEAH. 424 00:19:38,133 --> 00:19:39,203 THAT MEANS YOU STILL HAVE A 425 00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:41,070 COUPLE MORE DAYS LEFT TO CHOP 426 00:19:41,067 --> 00:19:44,727 THE BIGGEST HICKRY YOU CAN FIND 427 00:19:44,733 --> 00:19:47,473 AND PUT IT IN YOUR LIVING ROOM. 428 00:19:47,467 --> 00:19:52,127 THAT'S AN IRONIC TRADITION 429 00:19:52,133 --> 00:19:54,303 STARTED BY THE PILGRIMS. 430 00:19:54,300 --> 00:19:57,630 I'M NOT HERE SO SHOVE MY VIEWS 431 00:19:57,633 --> 00:20:08,503 DOWN YOUR THROAT BUT THEY WILL. 432 00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:13,130 >> I OLD GROVES. 433 00:20:13,133 --> 00:20:17,703 TREES! 434 00:20:17,700 --> 00:20:19,970 TELL THEM THAT WE LOVE THEM AND 435 00:20:19,967 --> 00:20:24,867 WE DON'T WANT THEM TO DIE. 436 00:20:24,867 --> 00:20:28,197 I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT, TREES. 437 00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:29,330 >> Tosh: SURE. 438 00:20:29,333 --> 00:20:31,333 IT'S EASY TO CRY ABOUT MAJESTIC 439 00:20:31,333 --> 00:20:35,373 TREES BUT SOME OF US HAPPEN TO 440 00:20:35,367 --> 00:20:38,267 CARE ABOUT EVERY LIVING THING ON 441 00:20:38,267 --> 00:20:41,127 GOD'S BEAUTIFUL GREEN EARTH. 442 00:20:41,133 --> 00:20:46,173 I WANT TO MOURN THE LOSS OF MY 443 00:20:46,167 --> 00:20:48,797 GRASS AND I DON'T WANT THEM TO 444 00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:49,270 DIE. 445 00:20:49,267 --> 00:20:51,827 THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE HERE THAT 446 00:20:51,833 --> 00:20:52,533 DO CARE. 447 00:20:52,533 --> 00:20:56,603 I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT 448 00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:57,270 CLIPPINGS. 449 00:20:57,267 --> 00:21:00,367 I CARE! 450 00:21:00,367 --> 00:21:02,597 JORGE, MAKE SURE YOU SQUARE OFF 451 00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:03,370 MY EDGES. 452 00:21:03,367 --> 00:21:06,697 >> YES, MR. DANIEL. 453 00:21:06,700 --> 00:21:09,900 >> Tosh: MAY ANGELS SING THEE TO 454 00:21:09,900 --> 00:21:17,230 THY REST. 455 00:21:17,233 --> 00:21:18,873 >> DON'T FORGET YOUR GOODY BAG. 456 00:21:18,867 --> 00:21:22,467 >> WOULD LOVE TO GET MY HANDS ON 457 00:21:22,467 --> 00:21:24,667 YOUR GOODY BAG. 458 00:21:24,667 --> 00:21:27,597 WHAT'S IN IT? 28604

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