All language subtitles for Tosh.0.S05E03_English

af Afrikaans
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bn Bengali
bs Bosnian
bg Bulgarian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch Download
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
km Khmer
ko Korean
ku Kurdish (Kurmanji)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Lao
la Latin
lv Latvian
lt Lithuanian
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
ne Nepali
no Norwegian
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt Portuguese
pa Punjabi
ro Romanian
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
st Sesotho
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhala
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
te Telugu
th Thai
tr Turkish
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
or Odia (Oriya)
rw Kinyarwanda
tk Turkmen
tt Tatar
ug Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:22,833 --> 00:00:24,573 >> COME ON, WHISKERS. 2 00:00:24,567 --> 00:00:25,397 BE FREE, GO. 3 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:29,030 GET ON OUT. 4 00:00:29,033 --> 00:00:33,273 GOOD LUCK. 5 00:00:33,267 --> 00:00:34,497 HOW DO YOU FEEL? 6 00:00:34,500 --> 00:00:37,070 >> I FEEL RELIEVED. 7 00:00:37,067 --> 00:00:39,927 UM, IT'S NOT GOING TO WAKE ME UP 8 00:00:39,933 --> 00:00:41,533 IN MY BED ANY MORE. 9 00:00:41,533 --> 00:00:42,633 KIND OF SAD. 10 00:00:42,633 --> 00:00:45,503 I JUST GOT TO KNOW HIM. 11 00:00:45,500 --> 00:00:46,270 OH, NO. 12 00:00:46,267 --> 00:00:51,397 [LAUGHTER] 13 00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:52,570 >> NO! 14 00:00:52,567 --> 00:00:54,197 ARE YOU KIDDING ME! 15 00:00:54,200 --> 00:01:04,430 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 16 00:01:04,433 --> 00:01:06,873 >> Tosh: JOKES ON YOU HAWK THAT 17 00:01:06,867 --> 00:01:08,797 RODENT'S BEEN UP HIS BUTTHOLE. 18 00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:10,130 WELCOME TO "TOSH.0." 19 00:01:10,133 --> 00:01:11,803 I DECIDED TO WEAR SOMETHING 20 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:13,130 LOW-KEY TO CONCENTRATE ON THE 21 00:01:13,133 --> 00:01:15,073 JOKES AND NOT MY CASHMERE. 22 00:01:15,067 --> 00:01:16,797 I BELIEVE THE SKYLINE IS KANSAS 23 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:17,370 CITY. 24 00:01:17,367 --> 00:01:20,067 CAN'T TELL IF IT'S MISSOURI OR 25 00:01:20,067 --> 00:01:20,527 KANSAS. 26 00:01:20,533 --> 00:01:22,503 I KNOW ONE HAS FOUR PERCENT MORE 27 00:01:22,500 --> 00:01:23,070 WHITES. 28 00:01:23,067 --> 00:01:25,727 TONIGHT I RUIN THE OSCARS BEFORE 29 00:01:25,733 --> 00:01:27,933 SETH McFARLAND HAS A CHANCE TO 30 00:01:27,933 --> 00:01:29,333 AND INTRODUCE TO YOU MY 31 00:01:29,333 --> 00:01:30,503 WELL-RESTED PERSONAL TRAINER. 32 00:01:30,500 --> 00:01:35,130 WHAT'S THE OLD SAYING? 33 00:01:35,133 --> 00:01:36,733 IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING SET IF IT 34 00:01:36,733 --> 00:01:37,333 FREE. 35 00:01:37,333 --> 00:01:39,333 IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING THEN DON'T 36 00:01:39,333 --> 00:01:41,373 SET IT FREE DURING HAWK 37 00:01:41,367 --> 00:01:42,897 BREAKFAST HOURS. 38 00:01:42,900 --> 00:01:45,400 ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 39 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:51,600 THE SAME THING HAPPENS TO EVERY 40 00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:53,500 SOLDIER'S GIRLFRIEND WHEN HE 41 00:01:53,500 --> 00:01:54,170 SHIPPED OUT. 42 00:01:54,167 --> 00:01:55,727 HE SEEMS LIKE A GOOD GUY. 43 00:01:55,733 --> 00:01:57,573 MAYBE THE HAWK WAS GIVING HIM A 44 00:01:57,567 --> 00:02:00,127 LIFT TO AN ANIMAL PARTY SOME 45 00:02:00,133 --> 00:02:00,703 WHERE. 46 00:02:00,700 --> 00:02:01,070 MAYBE. 47 00:02:01,067 --> 00:02:03,067 THE VIDEO'S INSPIRED ME TO CATCH 48 00:02:03,067 --> 00:02:07,367 THE RATS RUNNING AMUCK IN MY 49 00:02:07,367 --> 00:02:07,827 OFFICE. 50 00:02:07,833 --> 00:02:12,873 NOW. 51 00:02:12,867 --> 00:02:17,127 TOTALLY GOT YOU. 52 00:02:17,133 --> 00:02:21,373 [LAUGHTER] 53 00:02:21,367 --> 00:02:29,127 >> Tosh: YOU'RE MINE NOW. 54 00:02:29,133 --> 00:02:29,933 YOU'RE MINE. 55 00:02:29,933 --> 00:02:32,433 RIGHT AFTER I RELEASED THE 56 00:02:32,433 --> 00:02:33,703 WRITERS KIMMEL SWOOPED IN AND 57 00:02:33,700 --> 00:02:34,170 HIRED THEM. 58 00:02:34,167 --> 00:02:36,897 GET OFF MY LAWN, JIMMY. 59 00:02:36,900 --> 00:02:38,970 INTERNET VIDEOS ARE MY THING. 60 00:02:38,967 --> 00:02:41,697 STICK TO BASHING LENO THOUGH YOU 61 00:02:41,700 --> 00:02:43,070 HAVE ADD MUCH STANDUP CRED 62 00:02:43,067 --> 00:02:47,127 THAT'S BACHELOR REJECT YOU HAVE 63 00:02:47,133 --> 00:02:47,603 TONIGHT. 64 00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:50,270 WITH THAT SAID I'D LOVE TO GO TO 65 00:02:50,267 --> 00:02:55,097 YOUR PIZZA PARTY. 66 00:02:55,100 --> 00:02:58,870 THIS GUY CAN SAY GOOD-BYE TO HIS 67 00:02:58,867 --> 00:03:01,067 GOOD DRIVER DISCOUNTS. 68 00:03:01,067 --> 00:03:02,897 IF YOU SNORT ENOUGH BLOW ANY 69 00:03:02,900 --> 00:03:10,870 LANE IS A PASSING LANE. 70 00:03:10,867 --> 00:03:11,627 [LAUGHTER] 71 00:03:11,633 --> 00:03:12,103 >> Tosh: WAIT. 72 00:03:12,100 --> 00:03:13,170 THAT'S HIS GHOST GETTING OUT OF 73 00:03:13,167 --> 00:03:14,597 THE CAR, RIGHT? 74 00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:16,500 I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT 75 00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:17,700 COMEDY CENTRAL DOESN'T NEED TO 76 00:03:17,700 --> 00:03:18,800 KNOW ABOUT THE OTHER GUY IN THE 77 00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:20,170 CAR. 78 00:03:20,167 --> 00:03:21,827 THIS NEXT PERFORMER IS MAKING 79 00:03:21,833 --> 00:03:26,203 HER NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT AND 80 00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:27,670 TIME TO JAM OUT WITH YOUR CLAM 81 00:03:27,667 --> 00:03:29,827 OUT 82 00:03:29,833 --> 00:03:34,433 [***] 83 00:03:34,433 --> 00:03:35,673 >> Tosh: CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? 84 00:03:35,667 --> 00:03:37,197 NOT ONE LESSON. 85 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:40,830 I BET HER VAGINA IS COVERED IN 86 00:03:40,833 --> 00:03:41,403 CALLUSES. 87 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:43,170 NOW LETS PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE 88 00:03:43,167 --> 00:03:44,527 CROCK AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY 89 00:03:44,533 --> 00:03:46,403 COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE. 90 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:47,900 TAYLOR SWIFT CAN LEARN 91 00:03:47,900 --> 00:03:48,930 SELF-RESPECT FROM HER. 92 00:03:48,933 --> 00:03:52,403 THAT'S SLASH'S SISTER, GASH. 93 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:55,370 THAT'S HOW YOKO GOT JOHN. 94 00:03:55,367 --> 00:04:03,197 MUMFORD AND SONS CAN USE HER. 95 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:05,670 IF JEWEL CAN PLAY GUITAR WITH 96 00:04:05,667 --> 00:04:07,167 HER [BLEEP] SHE NEVER WOULD HAVE 97 00:04:07,167 --> 00:04:08,127 BEEN HOMELESS. 98 00:04:08,133 --> 00:04:08,673 HOLD ON. 99 00:04:08,667 --> 00:04:16,827 THAT COULDN'T BE. 100 00:04:16,833 --> 00:04:21,203 >> MOM, MY SISTER'S BEEN PLAYING 101 00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:23,570 MY GUITAR AGAIN. 102 00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:25,067 >> Tosh: HEY, YOU IGNORED THE 103 00:04:25,067 --> 00:04:26,267 WARNING AT THE TOP OF THE SHOW I 104 00:04:26,267 --> 00:04:27,827 URGE YOU TO GO BACK AND LISTEN 105 00:04:27,833 --> 00:04:29,203 CAREFULLY. 106 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:29,670 GO AHEAD. 107 00:04:29,667 --> 00:04:32,167 I'LL WAIT. 108 00:04:32,167 --> 00:04:33,867 [LAUGHTER] 109 00:04:33,867 --> 00:04:34,567 >> Tosh: OKAY. 110 00:04:34,567 --> 00:04:41,367 GOOD. 111 00:04:41,367 --> 00:04:51,427 [ MULTIPLE CHATTER ] 112 00:04:51,433 --> 00:04:54,273 >> WHAT WERE WE THINKING? 113 00:04:54,267 --> 00:04:57,497 >> Tosh: ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL 114 00:04:57,500 --> 00:04:58,370 DUDES' NIGHT. 115 00:04:58,367 --> 00:04:59,597 TOO BAD THERE WEREN'T CLEANER 116 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:01,600 SOURCES OF WATER IN THAT 117 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:02,530 BATHROOM. 118 00:05:02,533 --> 00:05:04,703 YOU KNOW YOU MADE A BAD DECISION 119 00:05:04,700 --> 00:05:06,170 WHEN STICKING YOUR HEAD IN THE 120 00:05:06,167 --> 00:05:07,467 TOILET'S THE BEST OPTION. 121 00:05:07,467 --> 00:05:16,667 WHAT'S NEXT? 122 00:05:16,667 --> 00:05:25,527 [LAUGHTER] 123 00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:28,433 >> Tosh: I'M INTRIGUED. 124 00:05:28,433 --> 00:05:30,603 GOOD THING YOU CLOSED THE DOOR 125 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:32,170 SO NOBODY COULD SEE THE FILTHY 126 00:05:32,167 --> 00:05:33,467 THING YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO IN THIS 127 00:05:33,467 --> 00:05:34,267 WEEK'S BREAKDOWN. 128 00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:36,567 [LAUGHTER] 129 00:05:36,567 --> 00:05:37,927 >> Tosh: WELCOME TO THE 130 00:05:37,933 --> 00:05:39,073 DEPRESSING LITTLE CORNER OF 131 00:05:39,067 --> 00:05:40,567 AMERICA KNOWN THAT'S 132 00:05:40,567 --> 00:05:41,567 SELF-SERVICE CAR WASH. 133 00:05:41,567 --> 00:05:42,567 PERFECT FOR THE DISCERNING 134 00:05:42,567 --> 00:05:44,897 CUSTOMER WHO CAN'T AFFORD A 135 00:05:44,900 --> 00:05:45,770 HOSE. 136 00:05:45,767 --> 00:05:49,727 THIS FOUL LADY POOPED HER PANTS 137 00:05:49,733 --> 00:05:50,733 IN THE CAR. 138 00:05:50,733 --> 00:05:52,633 I BLAME THE McRIBS. 139 00:05:52,633 --> 00:05:54,373 CRAPPING YOURSELF IS LIKE A RITE 140 00:05:54,367 --> 00:05:57,197 OF PASSAGE LIKE A BARMITZVAH FOR 141 00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:58,170 YOUR BUTTHOLE. 142 00:05:58,167 --> 00:06:00,127 NOT SURE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO 143 00:06:00,133 --> 00:06:02,273 CLEAN SUCH TENDER SKIN WITH 1400 144 00:06:02,267 --> 00:06:04,127 POUNDS OF WATER PRESSURE BUT I'D 145 00:06:04,133 --> 00:06:06,773 BE LYING IF I SAID I WASN'T 146 00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:07,467 CURIOUS. 147 00:06:07,467 --> 00:06:09,297 SHE'S A BIG RIG. 148 00:06:09,300 --> 00:06:11,100 YOU MIGHT NEED MORE QUARTERS. 149 00:06:11,100 --> 00:06:13,530 DON'T FORGET TO SHAMPOO THE 150 00:06:13,533 --> 00:06:14,773 CARPET. 151 00:06:14,767 --> 00:06:18,467 I'M STILL NOT 100% SURE HE KNOWS 152 00:06:18,467 --> 00:06:18,967 HER. 153 00:06:18,967 --> 00:06:21,727 IT MAY BE A GUY FROM THE NEXT 154 00:06:21,733 --> 00:06:23,303 BAY DOING HER A SOLID. 155 00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:28,200 YOU MAY GET A TRIPLE FOAM WAX. 156 00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:31,200 SOMEBODY SPRANG FOR THE CAR 157 00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:32,370 WASH. 158 00:06:32,367 --> 00:06:37,197 WHAT SCENT IS THAT? 159 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:40,970 WHERE'S THE MEXICANS TO DRY HER 160 00:06:40,967 --> 00:06:41,467 OFF? 161 00:06:41,467 --> 00:06:43,727 BLAST THE DIRTY DRAWERS IN THE 162 00:06:43,733 --> 00:06:44,973 NEXT STALL. 163 00:06:44,967 --> 00:06:50,497 I KEEP A TIDE PEN IN THE CAR. 164 00:06:50,500 --> 00:06:53,530 WE HAVE A MINUTE LEFT. 165 00:06:53,533 --> 00:06:55,933 I'M GLAD THEY DIDN'T TAKE OF THE 166 00:06:55,933 --> 00:06:58,833 FECES AT THE CAR WASH. 167 00:06:58,833 --> 00:07:00,533 WE'LL BE BACK WITH OUR FIRST 168 00:07:00,533 --> 00:07:05,273 EVER OSCAR SPOILER ALERT. 169 00:07:05,267 --> 00:07:13,727 BEFORE WE GO, YOU KNOW THE ONE 170 00:07:13,733 --> 00:07:16,073 >> AND NOW TO PRESENT THE OSCAR 171 00:07:16,067 --> 00:07:19,927 FOR BEST PICTURE, DANIEL TOSH. 172 00:07:19,933 --> 00:07:20,733 >> Tosh: THANK YOU. 173 00:07:20,733 --> 00:07:24,803 I'M HONORED TO BE HERE WITH THE 174 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:26,900 MOST TALENTED FOLKS IN SHOW 175 00:07:26,900 --> 00:07:30,370 BUSINESS AND SETH McFARLAND. 176 00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:32,627 THANK YOU FOR TAKING TIME OR 177 00:07:32,633 --> 00:07:35,633 FROM COLORING. 178 00:07:35,633 --> 00:07:35,973 . 179 00:07:35,967 --> 00:07:36,697 CHRISTIAN BALE. 180 00:07:36,700 --> 00:07:37,870 I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND. 181 00:07:37,867 --> 00:07:39,627 AND NOW THE AWARD FOR BEST 182 00:07:39,633 --> 00:07:41,073 PICTURE OF THE YEAR. 183 00:07:41,067 --> 00:07:42,327 OUR FIRST NOMINEE IS A MOVIE 184 00:07:42,333 --> 00:07:46,203 ABOUT THE GUY ON THE PENNY AND 185 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:47,870 HIS INSUFFERABLE WIFE. 186 00:07:47,867 --> 00:07:48,967 THIS IS A SPOILER ALERT FOR 187 00:07:48,967 --> 00:07:51,197 LINCOLN. 188 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:53,400 >> THE WAR'S ABOUT TO COME TO AN 189 00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:55,170 END AND THE WRITING'S ON THE 190 00:07:55,167 --> 00:07:55,567 WALL. 191 00:07:55,567 --> 00:08:00,227 THE SOUTH'S IS GOING TO LOOSE. 192 00:08:00,233 --> 00:08:02,473 LINCOLN KNOWS HE HAS TO GET THE 193 00:08:02,467 --> 00:08:03,367 AMENDMENT PASS. 194 00:08:03,367 --> 00:08:05,927 THE DEMOCRATS ARE ASSHOLES. 195 00:08:05,933 --> 00:08:07,203 EVERY CHANCE IS -- YOU WANT ME 196 00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:10,970 TO TELL YOU A LONG, LONG, STORY. 197 00:08:10,967 --> 00:08:12,797 HONEST ABE HAD TO LIE, CHEAT, 198 00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:14,370 STEAL AND IT WINS. 199 00:08:14,367 --> 00:08:16,067 IT WINS BIG. 200 00:08:16,067 --> 00:08:19,327 IMAGINE HOW MUCH BETTER HE WOULD 201 00:08:19,333 --> 00:08:22,073 HAVE BEEN IF THE FAT [BLEEP] 202 00:08:22,067 --> 00:08:23,467 WIFE OF HIS WOULD HAVE SHUT HER 203 00:08:23,467 --> 00:08:24,497 MOUTH OCCASIONALLY. 204 00:08:24,500 --> 00:08:27,570 NOW HE HAS TO GO TO A PLAY 205 00:08:27,567 --> 00:08:29,067 BECAUSE HIS WHINEY BITCH OF A 206 00:08:29,067 --> 00:08:30,527 WIFE IS NEVER HAPPY. 207 00:08:30,533 --> 00:08:31,973 I JUST FREED A RACE OF PEOPLE. 208 00:08:31,967 --> 00:08:33,467 I THINK HE MIGHT HAVE SHOT 209 00:08:33,467 --> 00:08:34,897 HIMSELF AND SOMEBODY COOL OUT ON 210 00:08:34,900 --> 00:08:36,170 THE STAGE AND SAYS THE 211 00:08:36,167 --> 00:08:37,427 PRESIDENT'S BEEN SHOT AND THAT'S 212 00:08:37,433 --> 00:08:38,203 HOW THE MOVIE ENDS. 213 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:40,630 THE ONE IN THE I WANTED TO SEE, 214 00:08:40,633 --> 00:08:42,503 THE WHOLE MOVIE AND YOU'RE NOT 215 00:08:42,500 --> 00:08:45,400 GOING TO SHOW IT TO ME? 216 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:46,070 LINCOLN. 217 00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:47,167 >> IF YOU LOVE BENNY AND JUNE 218 00:08:47,167 --> 00:08:49,797 AND HATED INVINCIBLE YOU MAY BE 219 00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:51,530 ABLE TO SIT THROUGH OUR NEXT 220 00:08:51,533 --> 00:08:52,073 NOMINEE. 221 00:08:52,067 --> 00:08:56,067 A SPOILER ALERT FOR SILVER 222 00:08:56,067 --> 00:08:58,367 LINING'S PLAYBOOK. 223 00:08:58,367 --> 00:09:00,927 >> SO I WANT TO [BLEEP] MRS. 224 00:09:00,933 --> 00:09:01,403 PARKER. 225 00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:02,400 HE WANTS HIS WIFE BACK. 226 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,170 WE SHOW YOU THE FLASHBACKS. 227 00:09:04,167 --> 00:09:06,067 OPENS UP THE SHOWER CURTAIN AND 228 00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:08,427 SHE'S GETTING [BLEEP]ED BY THE 229 00:09:08,433 --> 00:09:11,733 GYM TEACHER AND GETS SENT OFF 230 00:09:11,733 --> 00:09:13,533 AND WHO'S THE WIFE? 231 00:09:13,533 --> 00:09:14,403 JULIA STILES. 232 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:15,800 IMMEDIATELY ANNOYED AND THE NEW 233 00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:17,770 iPHONE COMES OUT AND IT'S A NEW 234 00:09:17,767 --> 00:09:18,427 CONNECTOR. 235 00:09:18,433 --> 00:09:22,403 NOW YOU'RE HOUSE IS DATED. 236 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:24,470 SHE, JULIA STILES INVITES HER 237 00:09:24,467 --> 00:09:27,397 FRIEND OVER, HUNGER GAMES CHICK. 238 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,370 HOT BUT FACE NO GOOD. 239 00:09:29,367 --> 00:09:31,067 IT HELPS HIM GET HIS WIFE BACK 240 00:09:31,067 --> 00:09:32,897 BY DELIVERING A LETTER AND IN 241 00:09:32,900 --> 00:09:35,200 RETURN HE AGREES TO BE HER DANCE 242 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:35,770 PARTNER. 243 00:09:35,767 --> 00:09:38,667 HE'S GOING ALL IN ON THE NEXT 244 00:09:38,667 --> 00:09:41,267 BET. 245 00:09:41,267 --> 00:09:42,597 EAGLES-COWBOYS GAME AND NO ONE 246 00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:45,230 IN PHILLY IS GOING TO A DANCE 247 00:09:45,233 --> 00:09:46,803 COMPETITION WHEN THE EAGLES ARE 248 00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:47,500 PLAYING. 249 00:09:47,500 --> 00:09:48,700 HERE'S THE DANCE AND IT'S GOING 250 00:09:48,700 --> 00:09:51,900 TO BE FUNNY AND SHE JUMPS LIKE 251 00:09:51,900 --> 00:09:54,500 [BLEEP] FACE AND SHOCKING. 252 00:09:54,500 --> 00:09:56,530 HUGE BOOBS. 253 00:09:56,533 --> 00:09:59,073 SILVER LININGS PLAY BOOK. 254 00:09:59,067 --> 00:10:02,427 IN THE NEXT MOVIE THIS IS A 255 00:10:02,433 --> 00:10:06,933 SPOILER ALERT FOR JENGO 256 00:10:06,933 --> 00:10:07,503 UNCHAINED. 257 00:10:07,500 --> 00:10:12,200 >> JAMIE FOXX IS A SLAVE AND A 258 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:13,870 GERMAN DENTIST OFFERS TO BUY HIM 259 00:10:13,867 --> 00:10:19,997 AND TURNS HIM INTO A BOUNTY 260 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:22,230 HUNTER WHEN LEONARDO DiCAPRIO 261 00:10:22,233 --> 00:10:23,233 SAID THE N WORD. 262 00:10:23,233 --> 00:10:24,903 IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE AN UPSTAIRS 263 00:10:24,900 --> 00:10:25,500 ACTIVITY. 264 00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:26,570 HE COMES UP WITH A PLAN TO GET 265 00:10:26,567 --> 00:10:28,567 HIS WIFE BACK. 266 00:10:28,567 --> 00:10:32,267 HOW ABOUT JUST HAVE THE WHITE 267 00:10:32,267 --> 00:10:35,227 GERMAN GO TO THE RANCH? 268 00:10:35,233 --> 00:10:37,073 I HAVE THIS ONE THAT SPEAKS 269 00:10:37,067 --> 00:10:37,597 GERMAN. 270 00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:40,430 CAN I HAVE HER AND THE MOVIE'S 271 00:10:40,433 --> 00:10:41,173 OVER. 272 00:10:41,167 --> 00:10:44,727 QUINTON DOESN'T DO THAT AND 273 00:10:44,733 --> 00:10:45,803 LEONARDO DiCAPRIO ASKED 274 00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:49,030 EVERYBODY IF THEY'D LIKE TO GO 275 00:10:49,033 --> 00:10:54,303 TO THE PARLOR FOR WHITE CAKE AND 276 00:10:54,300 --> 00:10:59,030 JONA HILL MAKES A CAMEO AND 277 00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:01,133 QUI 278 00:11:01,133 --> 00:11:03,473 QUINTON MOVIE AND EVERYBODY'S 279 00:11:03,467 --> 00:11:05,327 DEAD AND I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY 280 00:11:05,333 --> 00:11:07,773 TIMES THEY HAD THE N WORD BUT IT 281 00:11:07,767 --> 00:11:12,097 SEEMED RIGHT AND THAT'S THE 282 00:11:12,100 --> 00:11:12,630 MOVIE. 283 00:11:12,633 --> 00:11:14,903 TEEN BOYS FROM INDIA, TIGER AND 284 00:11:14,900 --> 00:11:17,530 A BEAUTIFUL OCEAN BACKDROP AND 285 00:11:17,533 --> 00:11:20,073 ALL THAT YOU'LL STILL HATE THE 286 00:11:20,067 --> 00:11:21,067 [BLEEP]ING MOVIE. 287 00:11:21,067 --> 00:11:24,167 IT'S A SPOILER ALERT FOR LIFE OF 288 00:11:24,167 --> 00:11:24,597 PI. 289 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:28,170 THE BOAT SINKS AND THE ONLY ONE 290 00:11:28,167 --> 00:11:32,127 TO SURVIVES IS PI, THE SAILOR 291 00:11:32,133 --> 00:11:33,803 AND MOTHER AND THEY MADE UP A 292 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:36,100 STORY FOR TWO AND A HALF HOURS 293 00:11:36,100 --> 00:11:37,470 AND THAT'S COMPLETE BULL 294 00:11:37,467 --> 00:11:37,927 [BLEEP]. 295 00:11:37,933 --> 00:11:39,233 LIFE OF PI. 296 00:11:39,233 --> 00:11:41,073 THE NEXT NOMINEE IS A FOREIGN 297 00:11:41,067 --> 00:11:42,527 FILM WITH SUB TITLES ABOUT TWO 298 00:11:42,533 --> 00:11:43,633 OLD FRENCH PEOPLE. 299 00:11:43,633 --> 00:11:45,503 I'M SURE MY AUDIENCE WILL LOVE 300 00:11:45,500 --> 00:11:46,070 IT. 301 00:11:46,067 --> 00:11:48,797 IT'S A SPOILER ALETTER FOR 302 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:49,170 AMORE. 303 00:11:49,167 --> 00:11:50,867 >> WHAT'S IT NOMINATED? 304 00:11:50,867 --> 00:11:52,867 IT'S NOT AN AMERICAN FILM. 305 00:11:52,867 --> 00:11:54,697 NOT TO MENTION THE SUB TITLES. 306 00:11:54,700 --> 00:12:01,630 I GET TO READ AND SHE HAS A 307 00:12:01,633 --> 00:12:03,473 STROKE AND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE 308 00:12:03,467 --> 00:12:05,327 MOVIE YOU COULD SEE HER TITTY. 309 00:12:05,333 --> 00:12:09,503 NO ONE'S IN SIGHT AND SHOVES IT 310 00:12:09,500 --> 00:12:10,930 OVERHEAD AND THE STROKE LEG WAS 311 00:12:10,933 --> 00:12:11,373 MOVING. 312 00:12:11,367 --> 00:12:12,367 I'D LIKE TO POINT IT OUT. 313 00:12:12,367 --> 00:12:12,727 DEAD. 314 00:12:12,733 --> 00:12:15,073 AMORE. 315 00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:18,427 THANKS FOR AN ALMOST THREE-HOUR 316 00:12:18,433 --> 00:12:20,073 RUNNING TIME EVERY WHO WATCHED 317 00:12:20,067 --> 00:12:23,427 IT KNOWS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO 318 00:12:23,433 --> 00:12:30,073 BE TORTURED FOR ZERO-DARK 319 00:12:30,067 --> 00:12:30,597 THIRTY. 320 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:37,800 GEORGE BUSH LET US TORTURE 321 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:38,330 TERRORISTS. 322 00:12:38,333 --> 00:12:40,773 THIS WOMAN'S BEEN ASSIGNED SHE'S 323 00:12:40,767 --> 00:12:42,067 EYE GINGER. 324 00:12:42,067 --> 00:12:43,297 THEY ALL LOOK ALIKE. 325 00:12:43,300 --> 00:12:45,370 THAT'S RACIST BUT THAT'S WHAT 326 00:12:45,367 --> 00:12:50,527 THE CIA'S SAYING AND THEY SAID 327 00:12:50,533 --> 00:12:59,103 WE WOULD NEVER GIVE SOMEBODY A 328 00:12:59,100 --> 00:12:59,730 LAMBORGHINI. 329 00:12:59,733 --> 00:13:01,933 EVERY SCENE THE RED HEAD IS IS 330 00:13:01,933 --> 00:13:02,633 COMPLAINING. 331 00:13:02,633 --> 00:13:03,603 THREE MORE HOURS AFTER ARGUING. 332 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:04,430 WE CAN'T DO IT. 333 00:13:04,433 --> 00:13:05,533 WE DON'T HAVE THE MONEY. 334 00:13:05,533 --> 00:13:07,833 WE FOUND THE MONEY AND THE POOR 335 00:13:07,833 --> 00:13:10,073 NEIGHBORHOOD IN PAKISTAN THERE'S 336 00:13:10,067 --> 00:13:12,827 A MANSION WHICH IS EXCITING 337 00:13:12,833 --> 00:13:14,373 BECAUSE NOW IT'S ABOUT MEN AND 338 00:13:14,367 --> 00:13:15,727 THEY STORM IN AND SHE STARTS 339 00:13:15,733 --> 00:13:17,733 CRYING BECAUSE SHE'S A GIRL. 340 00:13:17,733 --> 00:13:20,673 THE ENTIRE MOVIE IS TRUE EXCEPT 341 00:13:20,667 --> 00:13:23,127 FOR ONE PART, THE HOT RED HEAD 342 00:13:23,133 --> 00:13:26,873 WAS A FAT OLD MAN AND THAT WAS 343 00:13:26,867 --> 00:13:28,067 ZERO-DARK THIRTY. 344 00:13:28,067 --> 00:13:30,527 THE NEXT NOMINEE WINS I SWEAR TO 345 00:13:30,533 --> 00:13:32,633 CHRIST I WILL SLIT MY THROAT ON 346 00:13:32,633 --> 00:13:33,273 THE STAGE. 347 00:13:33,267 --> 00:13:36,667 THIS IS A SPOILER ALERT FOR LESS 348 00:13:36,667 --> 00:13:37,727 MISERABLES. 349 00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:40,103 YOU CAN SAY IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T 350 00:13:40,100 --> 00:13:43,870 HAVE CULTURE OR UNEDUCATED. 351 00:13:43,867 --> 00:13:45,067 I HATE PLAYS. 352 00:13:45,067 --> 00:13:46,867 I THOUGHT THERE WAS SONG AND 353 00:13:46,867 --> 00:13:47,527 THEN TALK. 354 00:13:47,533 --> 00:13:49,533 EVERY WORD IS SANG. 355 00:13:49,533 --> 00:13:51,573 WITH THAT SAID LOOK DOWN, 356 00:13:51,567 --> 00:13:53,927 WOLVERINE IS PULLING, BY THE WAY 357 00:13:53,933 --> 00:13:55,233 IF YOU WANT ANY OF THESE SONGS 358 00:13:55,233 --> 00:13:56,633 TO SOUND LIKE A REAL SONG THEY 359 00:13:56,633 --> 00:13:57,373 WILL NOT. 360 00:13:57,367 --> 00:14:00,427 HOW IS THIS WHOLE MOVIE BASED ON 361 00:14:00,433 --> 00:14:03,673 STEALING BREAD THE ONE THING 362 00:14:03,667 --> 00:14:05,497 THAT'S FREE AT EVERY FAVORITE 363 00:14:05,500 --> 00:14:08,970 RESTAURANT AND LATER ANNE 364 00:14:08,967 --> 00:14:10,567 HATHAWAY GETS FIRED BECAUSE 365 00:14:10,567 --> 00:14:12,797 YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE A KID 366 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:14,700 AND SHE CUT HER HAIR AND SHE'S 367 00:14:14,700 --> 00:14:15,700 NOW A WHORE. 368 00:14:15,700 --> 00:14:18,430 SHE'S GETTING [BLEEP] AND THEN 369 00:14:18,433 --> 00:14:20,533 DECIDES THIS IS A BAD 24 HOURS. 370 00:14:20,533 --> 00:14:22,473 TEN YEARS LATER THE FRENCH 371 00:14:22,467 --> 00:14:23,627 REVOLUTION BEGAN. 372 00:14:23,633 --> 00:14:27,933 THAT'S NOW AMANDA SIEGFRIED. 373 00:14:27,933 --> 00:14:29,873 RUSSEL CROWE'S LIKE I CAN'T LIVE 374 00:14:29,867 --> 00:14:31,767 WITH THE FACT I LET THE GUILTY 375 00:14:31,767 --> 00:14:34,367 MAN GO AND WOLVERINE DIDN'T SEE 376 00:14:34,367 --> 00:14:36,067 HIM DIE SO HE THINKS HE'LL CHASE 377 00:14:36,067 --> 00:14:37,567 HIM SO MENTALLY TELLS HIMSELF TO 378 00:14:37,567 --> 00:14:41,097 DIE AND THEN THE MOVIE ENDS AND 379 00:14:41,100 --> 00:14:43,100 IF ONE MORE PERSON TELLS ME DID 380 00:14:43,100 --> 00:14:47,500 YOU KNOW DURING THE MOVIE THEY 381 00:14:47,500 --> 00:14:50,200 REALLY SANG? 382 00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:53,070 I WOULD SAY YA I [BLEEP]ING 383 00:14:53,067 --> 00:14:55,527 BELIEVE IT IT DOESN'T SOUND 384 00:14:55,533 --> 00:14:56,173 GOOD. 385 00:14:56,167 --> 00:15:00,367 LES MIS. 386 00:15:00,367 --> 00:15:09,297 THIS IS A SPOILER ALERT. 387 00:15:09,300 --> 00:15:12,270 THIS LITTLE GIRL'S CUTE. 388 00:15:12,267 --> 00:15:13,797 SEAS ABOUT SWAMP PEOPLE HORDERS 389 00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:16,070 BUT THERE'S A BIG STORM COMING 390 00:15:16,067 --> 00:15:19,397 AND SHE WALKS AROUND GOING DADDY 391 00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:21,400 DOESN'T COME HOME SOON I'LL HAVE 392 00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:24,100 TO EAT MY PETS. 393 00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:25,870 THEY HALLOW OUT AN ALLIGATOR AND 394 00:15:25,867 --> 00:15:27,927 FILL IT WITH GASOLINE AND PUT IT 395 00:15:27,933 --> 00:15:30,333 NEXT TO THE LEVY TO BLOW IT UP 396 00:15:30,333 --> 00:15:32,273 AND THERE'S A FLOATING STRIP 397 00:15:32,267 --> 00:15:34,497 CLUB AND GOES BACK TO SEE HER 398 00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:38,570 DAD AND HE'S DEAD AND SHE HAS 399 00:15:38,567 --> 00:15:40,267 AIDS AND THAT'S BEAST OF THE 400 00:15:40,267 --> 00:15:41,197 SOUTH RIVAL. 401 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:44,570 ANOTHER SPOILER ALERT FOR ARGO. 402 00:15:44,567 --> 00:15:48,897 DOING A SPOILER ALERT FOR THIS 403 00:15:48,900 --> 00:15:50,570 IS INSANE. 404 00:15:50,567 --> 00:15:52,097 WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. 405 00:15:52,100 --> 00:15:56,070 THE U.S. EMBASSY GETS TAKEN 406 00:15:56,067 --> 00:15:56,667 OVER. 407 00:15:56,667 --> 00:16:00,367 THERE WERE HOSTAGES FOR 444 DAYS 408 00:16:00,367 --> 00:16:02,427 THEY MADE THE MOVIE ABOUT THE 409 00:16:02,433 --> 00:16:08,073 SEVEN PEOPLE THAT SNUCK OUT DOWN 410 00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:09,667 THE STREET EAT GOING FOOD AND 411 00:16:09,667 --> 00:16:12,727 COMPLAINING THEY CAN'T GO 412 00:16:12,733 --> 00:16:13,303 OUTSIDE. 413 00:16:13,300 --> 00:16:15,500 NOT THE 52 PEOPLE THAT WERE 414 00:16:15,500 --> 00:16:16,100 TORTURED. 415 00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:17,530 THAT WHY IT SHOULDN'T WIN BEST 416 00:16:17,533 --> 00:16:18,133 PICTURE. 417 00:16:18,133 --> 00:16:19,573 THESE ARGO. 418 00:16:19,567 --> 00:16:22,897 AND THE WINNER IS... 419 00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:23,400 BATMAN. 420 00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:26,770 YOU KNOW IT'S THE BEST MOVIE OF 421 00:16:26,767 --> 00:16:28,467 THE YEAR. 422 00:16:28,467 --> 00:16:31,067 IT MADE A BILLION AND YOU'RE NOT 423 00:16:31,067 --> 00:16:32,327 GOING TO NOMINATE IT? 424 00:16:32,333 --> 00:16:32,933 AMORE. 425 00:16:32,933 --> 00:16:34,573 [BLEEP] YOU. 426 00:16:34,567 --> 00:16:37,397 >> Tosh: TO SEE THE LONGER LESS 427 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:38,870 ENTERTAINING VERSION WATCH THE 428 00:16:38,867 --> 00:16:40,967 OSCARS ON ABC. 429 00:16:40,967 --> 00:16:43,227 WE'LL BE BACK BUT FIRST YOUR 430 00:16:43,233 --> 00:16:44,133 DICK OF THE WEEK. 431 00:16:44,133 --> 00:16:45,573 >> IT'S STRONGER OFF THE MARKET 432 00:16:45,567 --> 00:16:50,597 OFF THEIR HIGHS. 433 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:53,630 STOCK IN DEX FUTURES ON THE 434 00:16:53,633 --> 00:16:54,633 BRIGHT SIDE. 435 00:16:54,633 --> 00:17:01,933 DOW JONES FUTURES UP THREE 436 00:17:01,933 --> 00:17:04,803 >> I HAVE A PHYSICAL GIFT. 437 00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:08,970 I'M NOT SAYING I'M IN THE BEST 438 00:17:08,967 --> 00:17:10,597 NOT WORLD BUT I'M A PHYSICAL 439 00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:11,070 GIFT. 440 00:17:11,067 --> 00:17:14,697 A KEEP GETTING STRONGER, BOYS. 441 00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:15,200 SOON. 442 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:15,570 YES. 443 00:17:15,567 --> 00:17:16,627 THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH MY 444 00:17:16,633 --> 00:17:17,133 CHEST. 445 00:17:17,133 --> 00:17:20,203 MUSCLE DEFINITION OF A MAN'S 446 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:21,230 CHEST MEANS NOTHING. 447 00:17:21,233 --> 00:17:23,303 NOTHING. 448 00:17:23,300 --> 00:17:25,070 >> Tosh: THAT JABBA THE HUNK IS 449 00:17:25,067 --> 00:17:28,597 PAUL AND BELIEVES FITNESS GOES 450 00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:34,270 HAND AND HAND WITH COZINESS AND 451 00:17:34,267 --> 00:17:35,697 JUMPED IN BED WITH HIM TO AGAIN 452 00:17:35,700 --> 00:17:37,470 HE GET JACKS. 453 00:17:37,467 --> 00:17:40,497 I DO 30 OF THESE A DAY. 454 00:17:40,500 --> 00:17:43,930 >> I DON'T BELIEVE IN ABS. 455 00:17:43,933 --> 00:17:45,133 >> Tosh: WHY ARE CURLS SO 456 00:17:45,133 --> 00:17:45,973 IMPORTANT TO YOU? 457 00:17:45,967 --> 00:17:49,597 >> I DON'T CARE ABOUT MUSCULAR 458 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:50,200 DEFINITION. 459 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:51,200 IT'S PHYSICAL VANITY. 460 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:52,400 >> Tosh: ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT 461 00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:53,270 YOUR WEIGHT? 462 00:17:53,267 --> 00:17:58,167 >> I DON'T CARE IF I WEIGHT 500 463 00:17:58,167 --> 00:17:59,527 POUNDS I JUST CARE I'M LIVING 464 00:17:59,533 --> 00:18:02,773 FOR GOD NUMBER ONE AND PROMOTING 465 00:18:02,767 --> 00:18:05,127 GOD, NUMBER TWO. 466 00:18:05,133 --> 00:18:07,103 NUMBER THREE, THAT MY DUMMBELL 467 00:18:07,100 --> 00:18:08,500 CURLS ARE GETTING STRONGER. 468 00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:12,570 >> Tosh: SO IT'S GOD, GOD, THEN 469 00:18:12,567 --> 00:18:14,127 DUMMBELL CURLS ALL THE WAY AT 470 00:18:14,133 --> 00:18:14,603 THREE? 471 00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:15,130 >> YES. 472 00:18:15,133 --> 00:18:16,433 >> Tosh: WHY DO YOU WORK OUT IN 473 00:18:16,433 --> 00:18:18,673 THE BED SO MUCH IN YOUR VIDEOS? 474 00:18:18,667 --> 00:18:20,527 >> ISOLATES THE BICEP MORE. 475 00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:22,503 >> Tosh: I GOT YOU A DUMMBELL. 476 00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:23,300 >> PERFECT. 477 00:18:23,300 --> 00:18:24,700 BRING IT RIGHT UP. 478 00:18:24,700 --> 00:18:25,470 >> Tosh: WHOO. 479 00:18:25,467 --> 00:18:28,067 >> STAND OFF YOU CAN PROBABLY DO 480 00:18:28,067 --> 00:18:29,497 TWICE THE WEIGHT IF YOU CHEAT. 481 00:18:29,500 --> 00:18:30,400 >> Tosh: I DON'T WANT TO CHEAT. 482 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,800 I DON'T WANT TO CHEAT MY BODY 483 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:34,370 AND I DON'T WANT TO CHEAT MY 484 00:18:34,367 --> 00:18:34,827 SOUL. 485 00:18:34,833 --> 00:18:36,533 WHAT DO PROFESSIONAL BODY 486 00:18:36,533 --> 00:18:39,233 LIFTERS THINK OF YOUR TECHNIQUE? 487 00:18:39,233 --> 00:18:41,433 >> THEY'RE CRITICAL BUT THEY'RE 488 00:18:41,433 --> 00:18:44,773 JEALOUS BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE 489 00:18:44,767 --> 00:18:48,567 THE RELIGIOUS AND PHYSICAL 490 00:18:48,567 --> 00:18:51,197 STRENGTH IT TAKES BELIEF IN THE 491 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:51,530 LORD. 492 00:18:51,533 --> 00:18:53,073 >> Tosh: I AGEE. 493 00:18:53,067 --> 00:18:54,667 >> I HAVE THE 150 POUND 494 00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:55,367 DUMMBELL. 495 00:18:55,367 --> 00:18:57,197 DO YOU WANT TO SEE IT? 496 00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:58,370 >> Tosh: YEAH. 497 00:18:58,367 --> 00:18:59,897 OH, THAT'S A BIG WEIGHT. 498 00:18:59,900 --> 00:19:01,670 >> IT'S MY PRIDE. 499 00:19:01,667 --> 00:19:02,627 IT'S MY JOY. 500 00:19:02,633 --> 00:19:04,503 >> Tosh: THAT'S A VANITY PLAY 501 00:19:04,500 --> 00:19:05,600 BUT CAN YOU FLEX FOR ME. 502 00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:07,530 >> GREAT. 503 00:19:07,533 --> 00:19:08,533 >> Tosh: OH, YEAH. 504 00:19:08,533 --> 00:19:10,503 YOUR CHEST IS ENORMOUS TOO AS 505 00:19:10,500 --> 00:19:11,070 WELL. 506 00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:14,667 >> YOU KNOW, I'VE DEVELOPED 507 00:19:14,667 --> 00:19:17,427 LOOSE BREAST TISSUE. 508 00:19:17,433 --> 00:19:19,533 >> Tosh: EVEN SOME GENERAL 509 00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:21,473 WORKOUT TIPS I CAN DO EVERYDAY 510 00:19:21,467 --> 00:19:22,397 IN MY BED. 511 00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:24,530 >> A HAMMER DUMMBELL CURL. 512 00:19:24,533 --> 00:19:26,573 >> Tosh: I'VE DONE THAT TO MY 513 00:19:26,567 --> 00:19:27,527 FACE BEFORE. 514 00:19:27,533 --> 00:19:29,303 IT'S A HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION. 515 00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:30,700 WHAT WOULD JESUS CURL? 516 00:19:30,700 --> 00:19:32,600 >> ANYTHING HE WANTED BECAUSE 517 00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:34,800 HE'S CAPABLE OF MIRACLES BUT A 518 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:40,070 MAN OF HIS SIZE PROBABLY 35 519 00:19:40,067 --> 00:19:40,497 POUNDS. 520 00:19:40,500 --> 00:19:41,370 >> Tosh: THANKS, PAUL. 521 00:19:41,367 --> 00:19:42,497 >> THANK YOU, MR. TOSH. 522 00:19:42,500 --> 00:19:44,930 >> Tosh: I FORGOT TO ASK HIM 523 00:19:44,933 --> 00:19:46,303 WHAT BLACK JESUS CAN CURL? 524 00:19:46,300 --> 00:19:48,130 GO TO OUR BLOG AND UPLOAD A 525 00:19:48,133 --> 00:19:49,933 VIDEO FOR A CHANCE TO BE ON THE 526 00:19:49,933 --> 00:19:50,233 SHOW. 527 00:19:50,233 --> 00:19:51,073 HERE'S THIS WEEK'S WINNER. 528 00:19:51,067 --> 00:19:56,227 >> SORRY. 529 00:19:56,233 --> 00:19:56,833 [LAUGHTER] 530 00:19:56,833 --> 00:19:57,973 >> Tosh: WE'RE SO DESPERATE FOR 531 00:19:57,967 --> 00:19:58,827 VIEWER VIDEOS. 532 00:19:58,833 --> 00:20:00,303 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THIS 533 00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:00,830 SHOW WILL GET YOU HIGH. 534 00:20:00,967 --> 00:20:11,367 [LAUGHTER] 535 00:20:11,367 --> 00:20:12,297 >> Tosh: WELCOME BACK. 536 00:20:12,300 --> 00:20:13,830 IF YOU WERE SURPRISED LEGLESS 537 00:20:13,833 --> 00:20:15,373 BLADE RUNNER GUY KILLED HIS 538 00:20:15,367 --> 00:20:16,427 GIRLFRIEND, DON'T BE. 539 00:20:16,433 --> 00:20:18,803 HE'S PART ROBOT AND EVERY KNOWS 540 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,230 ROBOTS HATE HUMEANS. 541 00:20:21,233 --> 00:20:23,403 NEXT WEEK I PUT THE ENTIRE LEGAL 542 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:24,270 SYSTEM ON TRIAL. 543 00:20:24,267 --> 00:20:24,897 >> WHOA. 544 00:20:24,900 --> 00:20:25,730 PUT HIM BACK. 545 00:20:25,733 --> 00:20:27,233 WHAT DID YOU SAY WHEN YOU WALKED 546 00:20:27,233 --> 00:20:27,733 WAY? 547 00:20:27,733 --> 00:20:29,673 >> I CALLED YOU A [BLEEP] 548 00:20:29,667 --> 00:20:30,327 BECAUSE YOU'RE -- 549 00:20:30,333 --> 00:20:31,133 >> DID YOU? 550 00:20:31,133 --> 00:20:32,073 >> Tosh: JUDGE, IF YOU DON'T 551 00:20:32,067 --> 00:20:34,597 WANT TO HEAR THE TRUTH DON'T 552 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,130 MAKE PEOPLE SWEAR IN. 553 00:20:36,133 --> 00:20:39,473 LOG IN TO TWITER AND LOG IN TO 554 00:20:39,467 --> 00:20:44,567 OUR BLOG AND WATCH MY DO STANDUP 555 00:20:44,567 --> 00:20:47,967 ON THE JUNE GLOOM TOUR WITH 556 00:20:47,967 --> 00:20:51,067 JARROD CARMICHAEL. 557 00:20:51,067 --> 00:20:56,567 THAT'S NOT JARROD CARMICHAEL. 558 00:20:56,567 --> 00:20:58,797 HE'S DORNER. 559 00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:00,430 HE'S DEAD. 560 00:21:00,433 --> 00:21:04,633 IF YOU SEE A FAT LL COOL J IN 561 00:21:04,633 --> 00:21:07,233 MEXICO ON HORSEBACK, THAT'S 562 00:21:07,233 --> 00:21:09,133 WORTH A PRETTY PESO. 563 00:21:09,133 --> 00:21:22,803 STAY TUNED FOR THE JESELNIK 564 00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:25,900 HOW COME NOBODY DIES WHEN THEY 35230

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.