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>> COME ON, WHISKERS.
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BE FREE, GO.
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GET ON OUT.
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GOOD LUCK.
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HOW DO YOU FEEL?
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>> I FEEL RELIEVED.
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UM, IT'S NOT GOING TO WAKE ME UP
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IN MY BED ANY MORE.
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KIND OF SAD.
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I JUST GOT TO KNOW HIM.
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OH, NO.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> NO!
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ARE YOU KIDDING ME!
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> Tosh: JOKES ON YOU HAWK THAT
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RODENT'S BEEN UP HIS BUTTHOLE.
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WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."
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I DECIDED TO WEAR SOMETHING
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LOW-KEY TO CONCENTRATE ON THE
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JOKES AND NOT MY CASHMERE.
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I BELIEVE THE SKYLINE IS KANSAS
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CITY.
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CAN'T TELL IF IT'S MISSOURI OR
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KANSAS.
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I KNOW ONE HAS FOUR PERCENT MORE
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WHITES.
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TONIGHT I RUIN THE OSCARS BEFORE
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SETH McFARLAND HAS A CHANCE TO
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AND INTRODUCE TO YOU MY
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WELL-RESTED PERSONAL TRAINER.
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WHAT'S THE OLD SAYING?
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IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING SET IF IT
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FREE.
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IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING THEN DON'T
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SET IT FREE DURING HAWK
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BREAKFAST HOURS.
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ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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THE SAME THING HAPPENS TO EVERY
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SOLDIER'S GIRLFRIEND WHEN HE
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SHIPPED OUT.
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HE SEEMS LIKE A GOOD GUY.
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MAYBE THE HAWK WAS GIVING HIM A
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LIFT TO AN ANIMAL PARTY SOME
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WHERE.
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MAYBE.
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THE VIDEO'S INSPIRED ME TO CATCH
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THE RATS RUNNING AMUCK IN MY
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OFFICE.
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NOW.
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TOTALLY GOT YOU.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: YOU'RE MINE NOW.
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YOU'RE MINE.
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RIGHT AFTER I RELEASED THE
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WRITERS KIMMEL SWOOPED IN AND
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HIRED THEM.
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GET OFF MY LAWN, JIMMY.
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INTERNET VIDEOS ARE MY THING.
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STICK TO BASHING LENO THOUGH YOU
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HAVE ADD MUCH STANDUP CRED
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THAT'S BACHELOR REJECT YOU HAVE
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TONIGHT.
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WITH THAT SAID I'D LOVE TO GO TO
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YOUR PIZZA PARTY.
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THIS GUY CAN SAY GOOD-BYE TO HIS
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GOOD DRIVER DISCOUNTS.
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IF YOU SNORT ENOUGH BLOW ANY
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LANE IS A PASSING LANE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: WAIT.
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THAT'S HIS GHOST GETTING OUT OF
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THE CAR, RIGHT?
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I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT
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COMEDY CENTRAL DOESN'T NEED TO
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KNOW ABOUT THE OTHER GUY IN THE
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CAR.
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THIS NEXT PERFORMER IS MAKING
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HER NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT AND
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TIME TO JAM OUT WITH YOUR CLAM
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OUT
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[***]
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>> Tosh: CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
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NOT ONE LESSON.
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I BET HER VAGINA IS COVERED IN
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CALLUSES.
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NOW LETS PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE
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CROCK AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY
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COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE.
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TAYLOR SWIFT CAN LEARN
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SELF-RESPECT FROM HER.
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THAT'S SLASH'S SISTER, GASH.
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THAT'S HOW YOKO GOT JOHN.
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MUMFORD AND SONS CAN USE HER.
95
00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:05,670
IF JEWEL CAN PLAY GUITAR WITH
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HER [BLEEP] SHE NEVER WOULD HAVE
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BEEN HOMELESS.
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HOLD ON.
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THAT COULDN'T BE.
100
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>> MOM, MY SISTER'S BEEN PLAYING
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MY GUITAR AGAIN.
102
00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:25,067
>> Tosh: HEY, YOU IGNORED THE
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WARNING AT THE TOP OF THE SHOW I
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URGE YOU TO GO BACK AND LISTEN
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CAREFULLY.
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GO AHEAD.
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I'LL WAIT.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: OKAY.
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GOOD.
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[ MULTIPLE CHATTER ]
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>> WHAT WERE WE THINKING?
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00:04:54,267 --> 00:04:57,497
>> Tosh: ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL
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DUDES' NIGHT.
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TOO BAD THERE WEREN'T CLEANER
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SOURCES OF WATER IN THAT
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BATHROOM.
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YOU KNOW YOU MADE A BAD DECISION
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WHEN STICKING YOUR HEAD IN THE
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TOILET'S THE BEST OPTION.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: I'M INTRIGUED.
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GOOD THING YOU CLOSED THE DOOR
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SO NOBODY COULD SEE THE FILTHY
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THING YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO IN THIS
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WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: WELCOME TO THE
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DEPRESSING LITTLE CORNER OF
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AMERICA KNOWN THAT'S
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SELF-SERVICE CAR WASH.
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PERFECT FOR THE DISCERNING
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CUSTOMER WHO CAN'T AFFORD A
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HOSE.
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THIS FOUL LADY POOPED HER PANTS
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IN THE CAR.
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I BLAME THE McRIBS.
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CRAPPING YOURSELF IS LIKE A RITE
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OF PASSAGE LIKE A BARMITZVAH FOR
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YOUR BUTTHOLE.
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NOT SURE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
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CLEAN SUCH TENDER SKIN WITH 1400
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POUNDS OF WATER PRESSURE BUT I'D
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BE LYING IF I SAID I WASN'T
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CURIOUS.
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SHE'S A BIG RIG.
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YOU MIGHT NEED MORE QUARTERS.
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DON'T FORGET TO SHAMPOO THE
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CARPET.
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I'M STILL NOT 100% SURE HE KNOWS
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HER.
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IT MAY BE A GUY FROM THE NEXT
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BAY DOING HER A SOLID.
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YOU MAY GET A TRIPLE FOAM WAX.
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SOMEBODY SPRANG FOR THE CAR
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WASH.
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WHAT SCENT IS THAT?
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WHERE'S THE MEXICANS TO DRY HER
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OFF?
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BLAST THE DIRTY DRAWERS IN THE
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NEXT STALL.
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I KEEP A TIDE PEN IN THE CAR.
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WE HAVE A MINUTE LEFT.
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I'M GLAD THEY DIDN'T TAKE OF THE
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FECES AT THE CAR WASH.
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WE'LL BE BACK WITH OUR FIRST
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EVER OSCAR SPOILER ALERT.
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BEFORE WE GO, YOU KNOW THE ONE
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>> AND NOW TO PRESENT THE OSCAR
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FOR BEST PICTURE, DANIEL TOSH.
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>> Tosh: THANK YOU.
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I'M HONORED TO BE HERE WITH THE
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MOST TALENTED FOLKS IN SHOW
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BUSINESS AND SETH McFARLAND.
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THANK YOU FOR TAKING TIME OR
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FROM COLORING.
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.
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CHRISTIAN BALE.
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I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND.
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AND NOW THE AWARD FOR BEST
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PICTURE OF THE YEAR.
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OUR FIRST NOMINEE IS A MOVIE
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ABOUT THE GUY ON THE PENNY AND
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00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:47,870
HIS INSUFFERABLE WIFE.
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THIS IS A SPOILER ALERT FOR
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LINCOLN.
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>> THE WAR'S ABOUT TO COME TO AN
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END AND THE WRITING'S ON THE
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WALL.
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THE SOUTH'S IS GOING TO LOOSE.
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LINCOLN KNOWS HE HAS TO GET THE
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AMENDMENT PASS.
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THE DEMOCRATS ARE ASSHOLES.
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EVERY CHANCE IS -- YOU WANT ME
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TO TELL YOU A LONG, LONG, STORY.
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HONEST ABE HAD TO LIE, CHEAT,
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STEAL AND IT WINS.
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IT WINS BIG.
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IMAGINE HOW MUCH BETTER HE WOULD
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HAVE BEEN IF THE FAT [BLEEP]
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WIFE OF HIS WOULD HAVE SHUT HER
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MOUTH OCCASIONALLY.
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NOW HE HAS TO GO TO A PLAY
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BECAUSE HIS WHINEY BITCH OF A
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WIFE IS NEVER HAPPY.
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I JUST FREED A RACE OF PEOPLE.
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I THINK HE MIGHT HAVE SHOT
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HIMSELF AND SOMEBODY COOL OUT ON
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THE STAGE AND SAYS THE
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PRESIDENT'S BEEN SHOT AND THAT'S
212
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HOW THE MOVIE ENDS.
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THE ONE IN THE I WANTED TO SEE,
214
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THE WHOLE MOVIE AND YOU'RE NOT
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00:08:42,500 --> 00:08:45,400
GOING TO SHOW IT TO ME?
216
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LINCOLN.
217
00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:47,167
>> IF YOU LOVE BENNY AND JUNE
218
00:08:47,167 --> 00:08:49,797
AND HATED INVINCIBLE YOU MAY BE
219
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ABLE TO SIT THROUGH OUR NEXT
220
00:08:51,533 --> 00:08:52,073
NOMINEE.
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A SPOILER ALERT FOR SILVER
222
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LINING'S PLAYBOOK.
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>> SO I WANT TO [BLEEP] MRS.
224
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PARKER.
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00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:02,400
HE WANTS HIS WIFE BACK.
226
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WE SHOW YOU THE FLASHBACKS.
227
00:09:04,167 --> 00:09:06,067
OPENS UP THE SHOWER CURTAIN AND
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00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:08,427
SHE'S GETTING [BLEEP]ED BY THE
229
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GYM TEACHER AND GETS SENT OFF
230
00:09:11,733 --> 00:09:13,533
AND WHO'S THE WIFE?
231
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JULIA STILES.
232
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IMMEDIATELY ANNOYED AND THE NEW
233
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iPHONE COMES OUT AND IT'S A NEW
234
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CONNECTOR.
235
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NOW YOU'RE HOUSE IS DATED.
236
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SHE, JULIA STILES INVITES HER
237
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FRIEND OVER, HUNGER GAMES CHICK.
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HOT BUT FACE NO GOOD.
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IT HELPS HIM GET HIS WIFE BACK
240
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BY DELIVERING A LETTER AND IN
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RETURN HE AGREES TO BE HER DANCE
242
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PARTNER.
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HE'S GOING ALL IN ON THE NEXT
244
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BET.
245
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EAGLES-COWBOYS GAME AND NO ONE
246
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IN PHILLY IS GOING TO A DANCE
247
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COMPETITION WHEN THE EAGLES ARE
248
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PLAYING.
249
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HERE'S THE DANCE AND IT'S GOING
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TO BE FUNNY AND SHE JUMPS LIKE
251
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[BLEEP] FACE AND SHOCKING.
252
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HUGE BOOBS.
253
00:09:56,533 --> 00:09:59,073
SILVER LININGS PLAY BOOK.
254
00:09:59,067 --> 00:10:02,427
IN THE NEXT MOVIE THIS IS A
255
00:10:02,433 --> 00:10:06,933
SPOILER ALERT FOR JENGO
256
00:10:06,933 --> 00:10:07,503
UNCHAINED.
257
00:10:07,500 --> 00:10:12,200
>> JAMIE FOXX IS A SLAVE AND A
258
00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:13,870
GERMAN DENTIST OFFERS TO BUY HIM
259
00:10:13,867 --> 00:10:19,997
AND TURNS HIM INTO A BOUNTY
260
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:22,230
HUNTER WHEN LEONARDO DiCAPRIO
261
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SAID THE N WORD.
262
00:10:23,233 --> 00:10:24,903
IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE AN UPSTAIRS
263
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ACTIVITY.
264
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HE COMES UP WITH A PLAN TO GET
265
00:10:26,567 --> 00:10:28,567
HIS WIFE BACK.
266
00:10:28,567 --> 00:10:32,267
HOW ABOUT JUST HAVE THE WHITE
267
00:10:32,267 --> 00:10:35,227
GERMAN GO TO THE RANCH?
268
00:10:35,233 --> 00:10:37,073
I HAVE THIS ONE THAT SPEAKS
269
00:10:37,067 --> 00:10:37,597
GERMAN.
270
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:40,430
CAN I HAVE HER AND THE MOVIE'S
271
00:10:40,433 --> 00:10:41,173
OVER.
272
00:10:41,167 --> 00:10:44,727
QUINTON DOESN'T DO THAT AND
273
00:10:44,733 --> 00:10:45,803
LEONARDO DiCAPRIO ASKED
274
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:49,030
EVERYBODY IF THEY'D LIKE TO GO
275
00:10:49,033 --> 00:10:54,303
TO THE PARLOR FOR WHITE CAKE AND
276
00:10:54,300 --> 00:10:59,030
JONA HILL MAKES A CAMEO AND
277
00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:01,133
QUI
278
00:11:01,133 --> 00:11:03,473
QUINTON MOVIE AND EVERYBODY'S
279
00:11:03,467 --> 00:11:05,327
DEAD AND I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY
280
00:11:05,333 --> 00:11:07,773
TIMES THEY HAD THE N WORD BUT IT
281
00:11:07,767 --> 00:11:12,097
SEEMED RIGHT AND THAT'S THE
282
00:11:12,100 --> 00:11:12,630
MOVIE.
283
00:11:12,633 --> 00:11:14,903
TEEN BOYS FROM INDIA, TIGER AND
284
00:11:14,900 --> 00:11:17,530
A BEAUTIFUL OCEAN BACKDROP AND
285
00:11:17,533 --> 00:11:20,073
ALL THAT YOU'LL STILL HATE THE
286
00:11:20,067 --> 00:11:21,067
[BLEEP]ING MOVIE.
287
00:11:21,067 --> 00:11:24,167
IT'S A SPOILER ALERT FOR LIFE OF
288
00:11:24,167 --> 00:11:24,597
PI.
289
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:28,170
THE BOAT SINKS AND THE ONLY ONE
290
00:11:28,167 --> 00:11:32,127
TO SURVIVES IS PI, THE SAILOR
291
00:11:32,133 --> 00:11:33,803
AND MOTHER AND THEY MADE UP A
292
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:36,100
STORY FOR TWO AND A HALF HOURS
293
00:11:36,100 --> 00:11:37,470
AND THAT'S COMPLETE BULL
294
00:11:37,467 --> 00:11:37,927
[BLEEP].
295
00:11:37,933 --> 00:11:39,233
LIFE OF PI.
296
00:11:39,233 --> 00:11:41,073
THE NEXT NOMINEE IS A FOREIGN
297
00:11:41,067 --> 00:11:42,527
FILM WITH SUB TITLES ABOUT TWO
298
00:11:42,533 --> 00:11:43,633
OLD FRENCH PEOPLE.
299
00:11:43,633 --> 00:11:45,503
I'M SURE MY AUDIENCE WILL LOVE
300
00:11:45,500 --> 00:11:46,070
IT.
301
00:11:46,067 --> 00:11:48,797
IT'S A SPOILER ALETTER FOR
302
00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:49,170
AMORE.
303
00:11:49,167 --> 00:11:50,867
>> WHAT'S IT NOMINATED?
304
00:11:50,867 --> 00:11:52,867
IT'S NOT AN AMERICAN FILM.
305
00:11:52,867 --> 00:11:54,697
NOT TO MENTION THE SUB TITLES.
306
00:11:54,700 --> 00:12:01,630
I GET TO READ AND SHE HAS A
307
00:12:01,633 --> 00:12:03,473
STROKE AND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
308
00:12:03,467 --> 00:12:05,327
MOVIE YOU COULD SEE HER TITTY.
309
00:12:05,333 --> 00:12:09,503
NO ONE'S IN SIGHT AND SHOVES IT
310
00:12:09,500 --> 00:12:10,930
OVERHEAD AND THE STROKE LEG WAS
311
00:12:10,933 --> 00:12:11,373
MOVING.
312
00:12:11,367 --> 00:12:12,367
I'D LIKE TO POINT IT OUT.
313
00:12:12,367 --> 00:12:12,727
DEAD.
314
00:12:12,733 --> 00:12:15,073
AMORE.
315
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:18,427
THANKS FOR AN ALMOST THREE-HOUR
316
00:12:18,433 --> 00:12:20,073
RUNNING TIME EVERY WHO WATCHED
317
00:12:20,067 --> 00:12:23,427
IT KNOWS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO
318
00:12:23,433 --> 00:12:30,073
BE TORTURED FOR ZERO-DARK
319
00:12:30,067 --> 00:12:30,597
THIRTY.
320
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:37,800
GEORGE BUSH LET US TORTURE
321
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:38,330
TERRORISTS.
322
00:12:38,333 --> 00:12:40,773
THIS WOMAN'S BEEN ASSIGNED SHE'S
323
00:12:40,767 --> 00:12:42,067
EYE GINGER.
324
00:12:42,067 --> 00:12:43,297
THEY ALL LOOK ALIKE.
325
00:12:43,300 --> 00:12:45,370
THAT'S RACIST BUT THAT'S WHAT
326
00:12:45,367 --> 00:12:50,527
THE CIA'S SAYING AND THEY SAID
327
00:12:50,533 --> 00:12:59,103
WE WOULD NEVER GIVE SOMEBODY A
328
00:12:59,100 --> 00:12:59,730
LAMBORGHINI.
329
00:12:59,733 --> 00:13:01,933
EVERY SCENE THE RED HEAD IS IS
330
00:13:01,933 --> 00:13:02,633
COMPLAINING.
331
00:13:02,633 --> 00:13:03,603
THREE MORE HOURS AFTER ARGUING.
332
00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:04,430
WE CAN'T DO IT.
333
00:13:04,433 --> 00:13:05,533
WE DON'T HAVE THE MONEY.
334
00:13:05,533 --> 00:13:07,833
WE FOUND THE MONEY AND THE POOR
335
00:13:07,833 --> 00:13:10,073
NEIGHBORHOOD IN PAKISTAN THERE'S
336
00:13:10,067 --> 00:13:12,827
A MANSION WHICH IS EXCITING
337
00:13:12,833 --> 00:13:14,373
BECAUSE NOW IT'S ABOUT MEN AND
338
00:13:14,367 --> 00:13:15,727
THEY STORM IN AND SHE STARTS
339
00:13:15,733 --> 00:13:17,733
CRYING BECAUSE SHE'S A GIRL.
340
00:13:17,733 --> 00:13:20,673
THE ENTIRE MOVIE IS TRUE EXCEPT
341
00:13:20,667 --> 00:13:23,127
FOR ONE PART, THE HOT RED HEAD
342
00:13:23,133 --> 00:13:26,873
WAS A FAT OLD MAN AND THAT WAS
343
00:13:26,867 --> 00:13:28,067
ZERO-DARK THIRTY.
344
00:13:28,067 --> 00:13:30,527
THE NEXT NOMINEE WINS I SWEAR TO
345
00:13:30,533 --> 00:13:32,633
CHRIST I WILL SLIT MY THROAT ON
346
00:13:32,633 --> 00:13:33,273
THE STAGE.
347
00:13:33,267 --> 00:13:36,667
THIS IS A SPOILER ALERT FOR LESS
348
00:13:36,667 --> 00:13:37,727
MISERABLES.
349
00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:40,103
YOU CAN SAY IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T
350
00:13:40,100 --> 00:13:43,870
HAVE CULTURE OR UNEDUCATED.
351
00:13:43,867 --> 00:13:45,067
I HATE PLAYS.
352
00:13:45,067 --> 00:13:46,867
I THOUGHT THERE WAS SONG AND
353
00:13:46,867 --> 00:13:47,527
THEN TALK.
354
00:13:47,533 --> 00:13:49,533
EVERY WORD IS SANG.
355
00:13:49,533 --> 00:13:51,573
WITH THAT SAID LOOK DOWN,
356
00:13:51,567 --> 00:13:53,927
WOLVERINE IS PULLING, BY THE WAY
357
00:13:53,933 --> 00:13:55,233
IF YOU WANT ANY OF THESE SONGS
358
00:13:55,233 --> 00:13:56,633
TO SOUND LIKE A REAL SONG THEY
359
00:13:56,633 --> 00:13:57,373
WILL NOT.
360
00:13:57,367 --> 00:14:00,427
HOW IS THIS WHOLE MOVIE BASED ON
361
00:14:00,433 --> 00:14:03,673
STEALING BREAD THE ONE THING
362
00:14:03,667 --> 00:14:05,497
THAT'S FREE AT EVERY FAVORITE
363
00:14:05,500 --> 00:14:08,970
RESTAURANT AND LATER ANNE
364
00:14:08,967 --> 00:14:10,567
HATHAWAY GETS FIRED BECAUSE
365
00:14:10,567 --> 00:14:12,797
YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE A KID
366
00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:14,700
AND SHE CUT HER HAIR AND SHE'S
367
00:14:14,700 --> 00:14:15,700
NOW A WHORE.
368
00:14:15,700 --> 00:14:18,430
SHE'S GETTING [BLEEP] AND THEN
369
00:14:18,433 --> 00:14:20,533
DECIDES THIS IS A BAD 24 HOURS.
370
00:14:20,533 --> 00:14:22,473
TEN YEARS LATER THE FRENCH
371
00:14:22,467 --> 00:14:23,627
REVOLUTION BEGAN.
372
00:14:23,633 --> 00:14:27,933
THAT'S NOW AMANDA SIEGFRIED.
373
00:14:27,933 --> 00:14:29,873
RUSSEL CROWE'S LIKE I CAN'T LIVE
374
00:14:29,867 --> 00:14:31,767
WITH THE FACT I LET THE GUILTY
375
00:14:31,767 --> 00:14:34,367
MAN GO AND WOLVERINE DIDN'T SEE
376
00:14:34,367 --> 00:14:36,067
HIM DIE SO HE THINKS HE'LL CHASE
377
00:14:36,067 --> 00:14:37,567
HIM SO MENTALLY TELLS HIMSELF TO
378
00:14:37,567 --> 00:14:41,097
DIE AND THEN THE MOVIE ENDS AND
379
00:14:41,100 --> 00:14:43,100
IF ONE MORE PERSON TELLS ME DID
380
00:14:43,100 --> 00:14:47,500
YOU KNOW DURING THE MOVIE THEY
381
00:14:47,500 --> 00:14:50,200
REALLY SANG?
382
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:53,070
I WOULD SAY YA I [BLEEP]ING
383
00:14:53,067 --> 00:14:55,527
BELIEVE IT IT DOESN'T SOUND
384
00:14:55,533 --> 00:14:56,173
GOOD.
385
00:14:56,167 --> 00:15:00,367
LES MIS.
386
00:15:00,367 --> 00:15:09,297
THIS IS A SPOILER ALERT.
387
00:15:09,300 --> 00:15:12,270
THIS LITTLE GIRL'S CUTE.
388
00:15:12,267 --> 00:15:13,797
SEAS ABOUT SWAMP PEOPLE HORDERS
389
00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:16,070
BUT THERE'S A BIG STORM COMING
390
00:15:16,067 --> 00:15:19,397
AND SHE WALKS AROUND GOING DADDY
391
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:21,400
DOESN'T COME HOME SOON I'LL HAVE
392
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:24,100
TO EAT MY PETS.
393
00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:25,870
THEY HALLOW OUT AN ALLIGATOR AND
394
00:15:25,867 --> 00:15:27,927
FILL IT WITH GASOLINE AND PUT IT
395
00:15:27,933 --> 00:15:30,333
NEXT TO THE LEVY TO BLOW IT UP
396
00:15:30,333 --> 00:15:32,273
AND THERE'S A FLOATING STRIP
397
00:15:32,267 --> 00:15:34,497
CLUB AND GOES BACK TO SEE HER
398
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:38,570
DAD AND HE'S DEAD AND SHE HAS
399
00:15:38,567 --> 00:15:40,267
AIDS AND THAT'S BEAST OF THE
400
00:15:40,267 --> 00:15:41,197
SOUTH RIVAL.
401
00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:44,570
ANOTHER SPOILER ALERT FOR ARGO.
402
00:15:44,567 --> 00:15:48,897
DOING A SPOILER ALERT FOR THIS
403
00:15:48,900 --> 00:15:50,570
IS INSANE.
404
00:15:50,567 --> 00:15:52,097
WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
405
00:15:52,100 --> 00:15:56,070
THE U.S. EMBASSY GETS TAKEN
406
00:15:56,067 --> 00:15:56,667
OVER.
407
00:15:56,667 --> 00:16:00,367
THERE WERE HOSTAGES FOR 444 DAYS
408
00:16:00,367 --> 00:16:02,427
THEY MADE THE MOVIE ABOUT THE
409
00:16:02,433 --> 00:16:08,073
SEVEN PEOPLE THAT SNUCK OUT DOWN
410
00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:09,667
THE STREET EAT GOING FOOD AND
411
00:16:09,667 --> 00:16:12,727
COMPLAINING THEY CAN'T GO
412
00:16:12,733 --> 00:16:13,303
OUTSIDE.
413
00:16:13,300 --> 00:16:15,500
NOT THE 52 PEOPLE THAT WERE
414
00:16:15,500 --> 00:16:16,100
TORTURED.
415
00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:17,530
THAT WHY IT SHOULDN'T WIN BEST
416
00:16:17,533 --> 00:16:18,133
PICTURE.
417
00:16:18,133 --> 00:16:19,573
THESE ARGO.
418
00:16:19,567 --> 00:16:22,897
AND THE WINNER IS...
419
00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:23,400
BATMAN.
420
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:26,770
YOU KNOW IT'S THE BEST MOVIE OF
421
00:16:26,767 --> 00:16:28,467
THE YEAR.
422
00:16:28,467 --> 00:16:31,067
IT MADE A BILLION AND YOU'RE NOT
423
00:16:31,067 --> 00:16:32,327
GOING TO NOMINATE IT?
424
00:16:32,333 --> 00:16:32,933
AMORE.
425
00:16:32,933 --> 00:16:34,573
[BLEEP] YOU.
426
00:16:34,567 --> 00:16:37,397
>> Tosh: TO SEE THE LONGER LESS
427
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:38,870
ENTERTAINING VERSION WATCH THE
428
00:16:38,867 --> 00:16:40,967
OSCARS ON ABC.
429
00:16:40,967 --> 00:16:43,227
WE'LL BE BACK BUT FIRST YOUR
430
00:16:43,233 --> 00:16:44,133
DICK OF THE WEEK.
431
00:16:44,133 --> 00:16:45,573
>> IT'S STRONGER OFF THE MARKET
432
00:16:45,567 --> 00:16:50,597
OFF THEIR HIGHS.
433
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:53,630
STOCK IN DEX FUTURES ON THE
434
00:16:53,633 --> 00:16:54,633
BRIGHT SIDE.
435
00:16:54,633 --> 00:17:01,933
DOW JONES FUTURES UP THREE
436
00:17:01,933 --> 00:17:04,803
>> I HAVE A PHYSICAL GIFT.
437
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:08,970
I'M NOT SAYING I'M IN THE BEST
438
00:17:08,967 --> 00:17:10,597
NOT WORLD BUT I'M A PHYSICAL
439
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:11,070
GIFT.
440
00:17:11,067 --> 00:17:14,697
A KEEP GETTING STRONGER, BOYS.
441
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:15,200
SOON.
442
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:15,570
YES.
443
00:17:15,567 --> 00:17:16,627
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH MY
444
00:17:16,633 --> 00:17:17,133
CHEST.
445
00:17:17,133 --> 00:17:20,203
MUSCLE DEFINITION OF A MAN'S
446
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:21,230
CHEST MEANS NOTHING.
447
00:17:21,233 --> 00:17:23,303
NOTHING.
448
00:17:23,300 --> 00:17:25,070
>> Tosh: THAT JABBA THE HUNK IS
449
00:17:25,067 --> 00:17:28,597
PAUL AND BELIEVES FITNESS GOES
450
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:34,270
HAND AND HAND WITH COZINESS AND
451
00:17:34,267 --> 00:17:35,697
JUMPED IN BED WITH HIM TO AGAIN
452
00:17:35,700 --> 00:17:37,470
HE GET JACKS.
453
00:17:37,467 --> 00:17:40,497
I DO 30 OF THESE A DAY.
454
00:17:40,500 --> 00:17:43,930
>> I DON'T BELIEVE IN ABS.
455
00:17:43,933 --> 00:17:45,133
>> Tosh: WHY ARE CURLS SO
456
00:17:45,133 --> 00:17:45,973
IMPORTANT TO YOU?
457
00:17:45,967 --> 00:17:49,597
>> I DON'T CARE ABOUT MUSCULAR
458
00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:50,200
DEFINITION.
459
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:51,200
IT'S PHYSICAL VANITY.
460
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:52,400
>> Tosh: ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT
461
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:53,270
YOUR WEIGHT?
462
00:17:53,267 --> 00:17:58,167
>> I DON'T CARE IF I WEIGHT 500
463
00:17:58,167 --> 00:17:59,527
POUNDS I JUST CARE I'M LIVING
464
00:17:59,533 --> 00:18:02,773
FOR GOD NUMBER ONE AND PROMOTING
465
00:18:02,767 --> 00:18:05,127
GOD, NUMBER TWO.
466
00:18:05,133 --> 00:18:07,103
NUMBER THREE, THAT MY DUMMBELL
467
00:18:07,100 --> 00:18:08,500
CURLS ARE GETTING STRONGER.
468
00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:12,570
>> Tosh: SO IT'S GOD, GOD, THEN
469
00:18:12,567 --> 00:18:14,127
DUMMBELL CURLS ALL THE WAY AT
470
00:18:14,133 --> 00:18:14,603
THREE?
471
00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:15,130
>> YES.
472
00:18:15,133 --> 00:18:16,433
>> Tosh: WHY DO YOU WORK OUT IN
473
00:18:16,433 --> 00:18:18,673
THE BED SO MUCH IN YOUR VIDEOS?
474
00:18:18,667 --> 00:18:20,527
>> ISOLATES THE BICEP MORE.
475
00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:22,503
>> Tosh: I GOT YOU A DUMMBELL.
476
00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:23,300
>> PERFECT.
477
00:18:23,300 --> 00:18:24,700
BRING IT RIGHT UP.
478
00:18:24,700 --> 00:18:25,470
>> Tosh: WHOO.
479
00:18:25,467 --> 00:18:28,067
>> STAND OFF YOU CAN PROBABLY DO
480
00:18:28,067 --> 00:18:29,497
TWICE THE WEIGHT IF YOU CHEAT.
481
00:18:29,500 --> 00:18:30,400
>> Tosh: I DON'T WANT TO CHEAT.
482
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,800
I DON'T WANT TO CHEAT MY BODY
483
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:34,370
AND I DON'T WANT TO CHEAT MY
484
00:18:34,367 --> 00:18:34,827
SOUL.
485
00:18:34,833 --> 00:18:36,533
WHAT DO PROFESSIONAL BODY
486
00:18:36,533 --> 00:18:39,233
LIFTERS THINK OF YOUR TECHNIQUE?
487
00:18:39,233 --> 00:18:41,433
>> THEY'RE CRITICAL BUT THEY'RE
488
00:18:41,433 --> 00:18:44,773
JEALOUS BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE
489
00:18:44,767 --> 00:18:48,567
THE RELIGIOUS AND PHYSICAL
490
00:18:48,567 --> 00:18:51,197
STRENGTH IT TAKES BELIEF IN THE
491
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:51,530
LORD.
492
00:18:51,533 --> 00:18:53,073
>> Tosh: I AGEE.
493
00:18:53,067 --> 00:18:54,667
>> I HAVE THE 150 POUND
494
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:55,367
DUMMBELL.
495
00:18:55,367 --> 00:18:57,197
DO YOU WANT TO SEE IT?
496
00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:58,370
>> Tosh: YEAH.
497
00:18:58,367 --> 00:18:59,897
OH, THAT'S A BIG WEIGHT.
498
00:18:59,900 --> 00:19:01,670
>> IT'S MY PRIDE.
499
00:19:01,667 --> 00:19:02,627
IT'S MY JOY.
500
00:19:02,633 --> 00:19:04,503
>> Tosh: THAT'S A VANITY PLAY
501
00:19:04,500 --> 00:19:05,600
BUT CAN YOU FLEX FOR ME.
502
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:07,530
>> GREAT.
503
00:19:07,533 --> 00:19:08,533
>> Tosh: OH, YEAH.
504
00:19:08,533 --> 00:19:10,503
YOUR CHEST IS ENORMOUS TOO AS
505
00:19:10,500 --> 00:19:11,070
WELL.
506
00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:14,667
>> YOU KNOW, I'VE DEVELOPED
507
00:19:14,667 --> 00:19:17,427
LOOSE BREAST TISSUE.
508
00:19:17,433 --> 00:19:19,533
>> Tosh: EVEN SOME GENERAL
509
00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:21,473
WORKOUT TIPS I CAN DO EVERYDAY
510
00:19:21,467 --> 00:19:22,397
IN MY BED.
511
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:24,530
>> A HAMMER DUMMBELL CURL.
512
00:19:24,533 --> 00:19:26,573
>> Tosh: I'VE DONE THAT TO MY
513
00:19:26,567 --> 00:19:27,527
FACE BEFORE.
514
00:19:27,533 --> 00:19:29,303
IT'S A HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION.
515
00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:30,700
WHAT WOULD JESUS CURL?
516
00:19:30,700 --> 00:19:32,600
>> ANYTHING HE WANTED BECAUSE
517
00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:34,800
HE'S CAPABLE OF MIRACLES BUT A
518
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:40,070
MAN OF HIS SIZE PROBABLY 35
519
00:19:40,067 --> 00:19:40,497
POUNDS.
520
00:19:40,500 --> 00:19:41,370
>> Tosh: THANKS, PAUL.
521
00:19:41,367 --> 00:19:42,497
>> THANK YOU, MR. TOSH.
522
00:19:42,500 --> 00:19:44,930
>> Tosh: I FORGOT TO ASK HIM
523
00:19:44,933 --> 00:19:46,303
WHAT BLACK JESUS CAN CURL?
524
00:19:46,300 --> 00:19:48,130
GO TO OUR BLOG AND UPLOAD A
525
00:19:48,133 --> 00:19:49,933
VIDEO FOR A CHANCE TO BE ON THE
526
00:19:49,933 --> 00:19:50,233
SHOW.
527
00:19:50,233 --> 00:19:51,073
HERE'S THIS WEEK'S WINNER.
528
00:19:51,067 --> 00:19:56,227
>> SORRY.
529
00:19:56,233 --> 00:19:56,833
[LAUGHTER]
530
00:19:56,833 --> 00:19:57,973
>> Tosh: WE'RE SO DESPERATE FOR
531
00:19:57,967 --> 00:19:58,827
VIEWER VIDEOS.
532
00:19:58,833 --> 00:20:00,303
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THIS
533
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:00,830
SHOW WILL GET YOU HIGH.
534
00:20:00,967 --> 00:20:11,367
[LAUGHTER]
535
00:20:11,367 --> 00:20:12,297
>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.
536
00:20:12,300 --> 00:20:13,830
IF YOU WERE SURPRISED LEGLESS
537
00:20:13,833 --> 00:20:15,373
BLADE RUNNER GUY KILLED HIS
538
00:20:15,367 --> 00:20:16,427
GIRLFRIEND, DON'T BE.
539
00:20:16,433 --> 00:20:18,803
HE'S PART ROBOT AND EVERY KNOWS
540
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,230
ROBOTS HATE HUMEANS.
541
00:20:21,233 --> 00:20:23,403
NEXT WEEK I PUT THE ENTIRE LEGAL
542
00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:24,270
SYSTEM ON TRIAL.
543
00:20:24,267 --> 00:20:24,897
>> WHOA.
544
00:20:24,900 --> 00:20:25,730
PUT HIM BACK.
545
00:20:25,733 --> 00:20:27,233
WHAT DID YOU SAY WHEN YOU WALKED
546
00:20:27,233 --> 00:20:27,733
WAY?
547
00:20:27,733 --> 00:20:29,673
>> I CALLED YOU A [BLEEP]
548
00:20:29,667 --> 00:20:30,327
BECAUSE YOU'RE --
549
00:20:30,333 --> 00:20:31,133
>> DID YOU?
550
00:20:31,133 --> 00:20:32,073
>> Tosh: JUDGE, IF YOU DON'T
551
00:20:32,067 --> 00:20:34,597
WANT TO HEAR THE TRUTH DON'T
552
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,130
MAKE PEOPLE SWEAR IN.
553
00:20:36,133 --> 00:20:39,473
LOG IN TO TWITER AND LOG IN TO
554
00:20:39,467 --> 00:20:44,567
OUR BLOG AND WATCH MY DO STANDUP
555
00:20:44,567 --> 00:20:47,967
ON THE JUNE GLOOM TOUR WITH
556
00:20:47,967 --> 00:20:51,067
JARROD CARMICHAEL.
557
00:20:51,067 --> 00:20:56,567
THAT'S NOT JARROD CARMICHAEL.
558
00:20:56,567 --> 00:20:58,797
HE'S DORNER.
559
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:00,430
HE'S DEAD.
560
00:21:00,433 --> 00:21:04,633
IF YOU SEE A FAT LL COOL J IN
561
00:21:04,633 --> 00:21:07,233
MEXICO ON HORSEBACK, THAT'S
562
00:21:07,233 --> 00:21:09,133
WORTH A PRETTY PESO.
563
00:21:09,133 --> 00:21:22,803
STAY TUNED FOR THE JESELNIK
564
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:25,900
HOW COME NOBODY DIES WHEN THEY
35230
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