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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:48,830 >> OH MY GOD! 2 00:00:48,833 --> 00:00:51,273 OH, OH! 3 00:00:51,267 --> 00:01:01,367 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 4 00:01:01,367 --> 00:01:03,097 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 5 00:01:03,100 --> 00:01:04,900 >> Daniel: THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD 6 00:01:04,900 --> 00:01:07,170 ALWAYS HUG TREES AT THE BASE. 7 00:01:07,167 --> 00:01:07,597 [LAUGHING] 8 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:09,570 >> Daniel: WELCOME TO TOSH.O. 9 00:01:09,567 --> 00:01:14,697 AS MOST OF YOU KNOW I'M A BIG 10 00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:16,400 DUKE LACROSSE FAN. 11 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:18,700 ALWAYS HAVE HAVE BEEN. 12 00:01:18,700 --> 00:01:20,300 TONIGHT WE MAGICALLY PULL 13 00:01:20,300 --> 00:01:22,070 ANOTHER REDEMPTION OUT OF OUR 14 00:01:22,067 --> 00:01:22,267 ASS. 15 00:01:22,267 --> 00:01:24,267 I GIVE YOU SOMETHING WORST THAN 16 00:01:24,267 --> 00:01:26,067 PENNY'S FOR HALLOWEEN AND I SHOW 17 00:01:26,067 --> 00:01:28,227 VIDEOS OF YOU ASSAULTING EACH 18 00:01:28,233 --> 00:01:29,733 OTHER NOW LET'S SEE WHY YOU 19 00:01:29,733 --> 00:01:37,933 SHOULDN'T CLIMB TREES AR TREES AFTER 20 00:01:37,933 --> 00:01:38,273 PUBERTY. 21 00:01:38,267 --> 00:01:40,197 >> AHH! 22 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:41,570 >> WHAT HAPPENED? 23 00:01:41,567 --> 00:01:42,627 >> Daniel: WHERE DO I BEGIN. 24 00:01:42,633 --> 00:01:45,103 HE DIDN'T HREUS THEN SCHOOL. 25 00:01:45,100 --> 00:01:47,930 HAD SEX IN THE BACK OF A SWEET 26 00:01:47,933 --> 00:01:51,973 CAMERO WITH A GIRL NAMED DAWN. 27 00:01:51,967 --> 00:01:54,067 NOW HE HAS A SECOND JOB CUTTING 28 00:01:54,067 --> 00:01:55,667 DOWN TREES THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED. 29 00:01:55,667 --> 00:01:59,297 >> OH MY GOD! 30 00:01:59,300 --> 00:02:01,170 >> Daniel: SORRY I CAN'T CALL 31 00:02:01,167 --> 00:02:03,667 911, I HAVE NO SERVICE. 32 00:02:03,667 --> 00:02:05,527 CAN YOU CLIMB BACK UP THERE TO 33 00:02:05,533 --> 00:02:09,303 SEE IF WE CAN GET A SIGNAL? 34 00:02:09,300 --> 00:02:11,670 SOUNDS LIKE HE'S HAVING A MIND 35 00:02:11,667 --> 00:02:12,797 BLOWING ORGASM. 36 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:14,130 WHAT DID YOU LAND ON? 37 00:02:14,133 --> 00:02:17,073 WHAT ARE THE ODDS, HUH. 38 00:02:17,067 --> 00:02:20,797 [LAUGHING] 39 00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:22,570 >> Daniel: AL QAEDA HAS BEEN 40 00:02:22,567 --> 00:02:26,327 BOARD SILLY SINCE WE KILLED 41 00:02:26,333 --> 00:02:26,833 OSAMA. 42 00:02:26,833 --> 00:02:29,133 SEE THEY'RE NOT ALTER RIFTS. 43 00:02:29,133 --> 00:02:36,073 .YEP, THEY ARE.ALL TERRORISTS 44 00:02:36,067 --> 00:02:39,397 I SEE SOMEONE USED THEIR THREE 45 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:40,670 WISHES WISELY. 46 00:02:40,667 --> 00:02:42,867 IT'S EASY TO LIVE EVERY DAY LIKE 47 00:02:42,867 --> 00:02:45,827 IT'S YOUR LAST WHEN IT IS. 48 00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:49,173 MAYBE OUR TROOPS TO SH* STAY 49 00:02:49,167 --> 00:02:49,597 AWHILE. 50 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:51,200 BECAUSE THIS NEXT CLIP T-RPBZ 51 00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:53,130 YOU ON DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE A BAD 52 00:02:53,133 --> 00:02:59,273 PERSON. 53 00:02:59,267 --> 00:03:07,127 [LAUGHING] 54 00:03:07,133 --> 00:03:08,703 >> Daniel: SO, THAT'S WHAT GIRLS 55 00:03:08,700 --> 00:03:15,230 DO WITH ALL THE TOILET PAPER. 56 00:03:15,233 --> 00:03:16,403 TWO-PLY IS VERY FILLING. 57 00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:18,430 SHE'S AN ANGEL. 58 00:03:18,433 --> 00:03:22,873 I HOPE SHE SAVED SOME RULE FOR 59 00:03:22,867 --> 00:03:24,927 URINAL CAKE. 60 00:03:24,933 --> 00:03:27,303 OKAY, GUYS ENOUGH WITH THE ROUGH 61 00:03:27,300 --> 00:03:29,100 HOUSING. 62 00:03:29,100 --> 00:03:34,100 OOH, LOOKS LIKE TIGHT TANKS ARE 63 00:03:34,100 --> 00:03:35,930 IN THIS SEMESTER. 64 00:03:35,933 --> 00:03:42,133 >> OOH! 65 00:03:42,133 --> 00:03:44,433 >> Daniel: THAT'S HOW YOU KNOCK 66 00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:47,403 A MAN OUT, MAYWEATHER, WHEN 67 00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:49,230 THEY'RE READY FOR IT I HOPE THEY 68 00:03:49,233 --> 00:03:51,703 AGREE TO FINISH THIS IN THE 69 00:03:51,700 --> 00:03:54,230 GROUP SHOWER. 70 00:03:54,233 --> 00:03:56,633 >> OKAY. 71 00:03:56,633 --> 00:03:57,873 >> Daniel: THAT'S THE FACE OF A 72 00:03:57,867 --> 00:04:04,227 MAN WHO NOW HAS PARKINSONS. 73 00:04:04,233 --> 00:04:06,173 >> Daniel: WAS THAT NECESSARY? 74 00:04:06,167 --> 00:04:08,767 THE RA ON THAT FLOOR RUNS A 75 00:04:08,767 --> 00:04:09,367 TIGHT SHIFT. 76 00:04:09,367 --> 00:04:12,067 THE KEY TO BEING A GOOD REPORTER 77 00:04:12,067 --> 00:04:14,967 IS NOT TO BE CONFUSED BY 78 00:04:14,967 --> 00:04:16,297 LITERALLY EVERYTHING THAT IS 79 00:04:16,300 --> 00:04:16,670 HAPPENING. 80 00:04:16,667 --> 00:04:28,467 [LAUGHING] 81 00:04:28,467 --> 00:04:30,067 >> Daniel: NO WONDER NOBODY IS 82 00:04:30,067 --> 00:04:31,667 WATCHING OPRAH'S NEW NETWORK. 83 00:04:31,667 --> 00:04:34,297 THE REAL STORY IS THE RED HOT 84 00:04:34,300 --> 00:04:37,800 CHILI PEPPERS CAN'T SELL TICKETS 85 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:40,200 ANYMORE. 86 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:41,130 >> Daniel: NOTHING IT LOUDER 87 00:04:41,133 --> 00:04:43,273 THAN HER TEAL PANTSUIT. 88 00:04:43,267 --> 00:04:45,497 IT'S NOT THAT WEIRD. 89 00:04:45,500 --> 00:04:49,670 THE KNEV NEWS TEAM SIN SANE IN 90 00:04:49,667 --> 00:04:50,127 SANTIAGO. 91 00:04:50,133 --> 00:04:50,603 >> NEWS. 92 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:53,070 >> SPORTS, COMMENTARY. 93 00:04:53,067 --> 00:04:54,067 >> WEATHER. 94 00:04:54,067 --> 00:04:54,797 >> MURDER. 95 00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:56,130 >> AIDS,. 96 00:04:56,133 --> 00:04:56,833 >> PARKING. 97 00:04:56,833 --> 00:04:58,103 >> WORDS,. 98 00:04:58,100 --> 00:04:59,770 >> POLITICS. 99 00:04:59,767 --> 00:05:00,897 >> DEBATE. 100 00:05:00,900 --> 00:05:02,100 >> BANTER. 101 00:05:02,100 --> 00:05:04,630 >> HARD HITTER. 102 00:05:04,633 --> 00:05:05,233 >> DEVELOPMENT. 103 00:05:05,233 --> 00:05:07,233 >> GOOD NIGHT. 104 00:05:07,233 --> 00:05:11,673 >> PUNDANTS. 105 00:05:11,667 --> 00:05:14,397 >> COMMERCIALS. 106 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:16,500 >> Daniel: THAT STATION LEANS A 107 00:05:16,500 --> 00:05:18,130 LITTLE TOO FAR TO THE LEFT FOR 108 00:05:18,133 --> 00:05:23,803 MY TASTE. 109 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:28,670 [LAUGHING] 110 00:05:28,667 --> 00:05:29,967 >> Daniel: EITHER THOSE HOMELESS 111 00:05:29,967 --> 00:05:32,297 WINDOW WASHERS ARE GET TOO LONG 112 00:05:32,300 --> 00:05:34,770 AGGRESSIVE OR HE HAS A VERY 113 00:05:34,767 --> 00:05:36,667 DISTRACTING HOOD ORNAMENT. 114 00:05:36,667 --> 00:05:40,627 NOW LET'S GO TO JAPAN WHERE 115 00:05:40,633 --> 00:05:43,073 EVERY DAY IS A GAME SHOW OF YOUR 116 00:05:43,067 --> 00:05:43,467 LIFE. 117 00:05:43,467 --> 00:05:45,067 HE'S GOING THE WRONG WAY DOWN A 118 00:05:45,067 --> 00:05:45,897 RUN WAY? 119 00:05:45,900 --> 00:05:48,500 HOW CAN PEOPLE SO GOOD AT 120 00:05:48,500 --> 00:05:51,500 BUILDING CARDS BE BAD AT DRIVING 121 00:05:51,500 --> 00:05:52,170 THEM. 122 00:05:52,167 --> 00:05:54,467 ASIANS SHOULD BE REQUIRED TO USE 123 00:05:54,467 --> 00:05:57,167 THEIR HAZARDS AT ALL TIMES. 124 00:05:57,167 --> 00:05:58,867 YOU MIGHT WANT TO USE YOUR 125 00:05:58,867 --> 00:06:01,397 WIPERS THERE IS A MANIAC WITH A 126 00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:03,870 BAT ON YOUR WINDSHIELD. 127 00:06:03,867 --> 00:06:04,167 RELAX. 128 00:06:04,167 --> 00:06:06,767 LET'S COMELY EXCHANGE INSURANCE 129 00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,067 INFORMATION AND WAIT FOR THE 130 00:06:08,067 --> 00:06:09,527 ROBOT POLICE TO A REEVE. 131 00:06:09,533 --> 00:06:11,573 THE ONE THING ABOUT THE BAT IS 132 00:06:11,567 --> 00:06:13,067 ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF SUSPECTS 133 00:06:13,067 --> 00:06:15,467 GET AWAY IN JAPAN. 134 00:06:15,467 --> 00:06:20,267 LET ME GUESS 5'6", BLACK HAIR, 135 00:06:20,267 --> 00:06:21,497 BLACK BELT. 136 00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:22,770 WHERE IS HE? 137 00:06:22,767 --> 00:06:24,667 HE'S PROBABLY LATE WITH 138 00:06:24,667 --> 00:06:25,427 SOMEONE'S DELIVERY. 139 00:06:25,433 --> 00:06:28,133 OF COURSE THE PERSON WHO GOT SIT 140 00:06:28,133 --> 00:06:29,773 A PREGNANT LADY. 141 00:06:29,767 --> 00:06:31,367 LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY LOVED HER 142 00:06:31,367 --> 00:06:31,967 LONG TIME. 143 00:06:31,967 --> 00:06:33,967 I HOPE THE BABY IS OKAY BECAUSE 144 00:06:33,967 --> 00:06:36,067 THE ONE THING JAPAN NEEDS IS 145 00:06:36,067 --> 00:06:37,367 MORE PEOPLE. 146 00:06:37,367 --> 00:06:41,467 I'M GLAD REAR VIEW CAMERAS ARE 147 00:06:41,467 --> 00:06:43,197 REQUIRED OVER THERE DUE TO THE 148 00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:48,500 AMOUNT OF CLAIMS FILED. 149 00:06:48,500 --> 00:06:51,130 WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH 150 00:06:51,133 --> 00:06:51,733 MOODINI. 151 00:06:51,733 --> 00:06:53,673 FIRST I PREFER BLUE CHEESE. 152 00:06:53,667 --> 00:06:59,897 >> THREE, TWO, ONE, GO. 153 00:06:59,900 --> 00:07:02,400 [LAUGHING] 154 00:07:09,167 --> 00:07:13,067 (LOTS OF WEIRD NOISES ) 155 00:07:13,067 --> 00:07:18,597 * 156 00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:21,530 >> THE GREAT MOODINI. 157 00:07:21,533 --> 00:07:30,073 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 158 00:07:30,067 --> 00:07:31,827 >> HERE WE GO. 159 00:07:31,833 --> 00:07:37,873 THREE, TWO, ONE ... 160 00:07:37,867 --> 00:07:43,067 >> OH! 161 00:07:43,067 --> 00:07:46,167 >> OH, HE'S DOWN. 162 00:07:46,167 --> 00:07:49,067 >> Daniel: I THINK HE FORGOT TO 163 00:07:49,067 --> 00:07:49,727 SAY HOCUS POCUS. 164 00:07:49,733 --> 00:07:52,873 HE'S LUCKY MOST PEOPLE WHO GET 165 00:07:52,867 --> 00:07:54,397 DRAGGED BEHIND CARS IN THE SOUGT 166 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:56,530 DON'T LIVE TO TELL THE TALE. 167 00:07:56,533 --> 00:08:00,233 THAT WAS THE GREAT MOODINI. 168 00:08:00,233 --> 00:08:02,473 HIS ESCAPE SENT HIM TO THE ICU. 169 00:08:02,467 --> 00:08:05,227 YOU DON'T HEAR ME CALLING MYSELF 170 00:08:05,233 --> 00:08:07,073 DANIEL THE HANDSOME AND 171 00:08:07,067 --> 00:08:07,397 HILARIOUS. 172 00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:10,930 I PREFER MY LOOKS TO SPEAK FOR 173 00:08:10,933 --> 00:08:11,333 THEMSELVES. 174 00:08:11,333 --> 00:08:13,203 MAGIC IS COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT. 175 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:15,470 I CAN'T MAKE IT HALF WAY THROUGH 176 00:08:15,467 --> 00:08:18,567 THE PRESTIGE SO GOING TO A MAGIC 177 00:08:18,567 --> 00:08:20,897 SHOW IS UNCOMPREHENSIBLE. 178 00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:23,500 IF YOUR SEXY A SIS STAPBLT IS 179 00:08:23,500 --> 00:08:25,770 TRULY SEXY SHE WOULDN'T HANG OUT 180 00:08:25,767 --> 00:08:27,797 WITH A MA GISHIAN. 181 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:32,070 ARE YOU THAT IMPRESSED BY CHRIS 182 00:08:32,067 --> 00:08:33,397 ANGEL LEVITATING? 183 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:37,170 I TELL YOU HOW HE DOESN'T DO IT, 184 00:08:37,167 --> 00:08:37,597 MAGIC. 185 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:39,600 IF MAGIC WAS REAL DAVID BLAINE 186 00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:44,530 WOULD OF USED IT TO STAY FAMOUS. 187 00:08:44,533 --> 00:08:49,603 I TRICKED MOODINI LIKE 188 00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:51,900 COPPERFIELD TO JOIN ME AT MY 189 00:08:51,900 --> 00:08:55,800 PRIVATE RAPE ISLAND FOR WEB CAM 190 00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:56,200 REDEMPTION. 191 00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:59,730 >> OH THIS THING, PLEASE. 192 00:08:59,733 --> 00:09:02,073 >> WHOO! 193 00:09:02,067 --> 00:09:03,697 >> SO THERE IS A TRICK INVOLVED. 194 00:09:03,700 --> 00:09:06,070 YOU DON'T JUST PANIC AND 195 00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:06,627 STRUGGLE. 196 00:09:06,633 --> 00:09:09,803 >> I WASN'T A FAN BEFORE BUT I 197 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:12,100 MIGHT BE TURNING AROUND ON THE 198 00:09:12,100 --> 00:09:17,700 LEATHER PANTS THING. 199 00:09:17,700 --> 00:09:19,970 >> Daniel: MICHAEL, YOUR STAYING 200 00:09:19,967 --> 00:09:22,567 NAME IS THE GREAT MOODINI. 201 00:09:22,567 --> 00:09:24,967 >> IT JUST STUCK WITH ME. 202 00:09:24,967 --> 00:09:26,567 >> Daniel: HOW LONG HAVE YOU 203 00:09:26,567 --> 00:09:27,797 DONE PROFESSIONAL MAGIC? 204 00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:28,930 >> 15 YEARS. 205 00:09:28,933 --> 00:09:31,203 >> Daniel: WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE 206 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:31,800 TRICK. 207 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:34,700 >> SHOWING BOTH HANDS EMPTY AND 208 00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:38,630 SNAPPING MY FINGERS AND HAVING A 209 00:09:38,633 --> 00:09:39,203 SCARF. 210 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:40,200 >> Daniel: AND HOW QUICK CAN YOU 211 00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:42,900 MAKE A HAMBURGER DISAPPEAR? 212 00:09:42,900 --> 00:09:46,200 >> I SCREW IT UP PRETTY QUICK. 213 00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:48,070 >> Daniel: CAN YOU DO TRICKS FOR 214 00:09:48,067 --> 00:09:48,827 ME NOW? 215 00:09:48,833 --> 00:09:51,073 >> I DID ONE. 216 00:09:51,067 --> 00:09:52,627 >> Daniel: TELL ME WHERE THAT 217 00:09:52,633 --> 00:09:52,903 WAS. 218 00:09:52,900 --> 00:09:55,770 >> A SPEEDWAY IN ATLANTA, GAGA. 219 00:09:55,767 --> 00:09:57,267 >> Daniel: HOW MANY PEOPLE. 220 00:09:57,267 --> 00:09:58,297 >> 5000. 221 00:09:58,300 --> 00:09:59,070 >> Daniel: WHAT HAPPENED 222 00:09:59,067 --> 00:10:00,467 STPHUFRPBLGTS I HAD A HUNDRED 223 00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:01,127 FOOT CHAIN. 224 00:10:01,133 --> 00:10:03,033 I TOOK OFF, I NOW I WAS IN 225 00:10:03,033 --> 00:10:03,373 TROUBLE. 226 00:10:03,367 --> 00:10:05,497 I GOT THE RIGHT SIDE AND MY LEFT 227 00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:07,700 SIDE RIPPED OFF MY WRIST. 228 00:10:07,700 --> 00:10:08,800 >> Daniel: THAT WAS NOT PART OF 229 00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:09,830 THE TRICK AT ALL? 230 00:10:09,833 --> 00:10:10,603 >> NO. 231 00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:12,330 >> Daniel: IF YOU DIDN'T GET OUT 232 00:10:12,333 --> 00:10:15,233 WOULD IT OF DRAGGED YOU AROUND 233 00:10:15,233 --> 00:10:15,803 THE TRACK. 234 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:18,030 >> YA, IT WOULD OF KILLED ME. 235 00:10:18,033 --> 00:10:18,933 >> Daniel: DID YOU BLACK OUT 236 00:10:18,933 --> 00:10:19,873 WHEN IT HAPPENED? 237 00:10:19,867 --> 00:10:21,367 >> YA. 238 00:10:21,367 --> 00:10:23,367 >> Daniel: DID YOU TAKE A 239 00:10:23,367 --> 00:10:24,267 HELICOPTER RIDE STPEUFRPBLGTS 240 00:10:24,267 --> 00:10:24,527 NO. 241 00:10:24,533 --> 00:10:26,703 THERE WAS A AMBULANCE. 242 00:10:26,700 --> 00:10:28,500 >> Daniel: PROBABLY COULD OF 243 00:10:28,500 --> 00:10:29,930 GOTTEN TO THE AMBULANCE FASTER 244 00:10:29,933 --> 00:10:31,903 IF YOU JUMPED IN THE CAR AND 245 00:10:31,900 --> 00:10:36,070 TOLD THEM TO KEEP GOING. 246 00:10:36,067 --> 00:10:37,167 THE CARTWHOLE. 247 00:10:37,167 --> 00:10:39,167 >> MY BEST ONE. 248 00:10:39,167 --> 00:10:39,797 >> Daniel: WHOSE FAULT 249 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:40,600 STPHUFRPBLGT MY FAULT. 250 00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:42,530 I SHOULD OF GOTTEN CLOSER TO THE 251 00:10:42,533 --> 00:10:42,803 CAR. 252 00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:43,870 I WAS HOT AND TIRED. 253 00:10:43,867 --> 00:10:46,267 I WANTED TO GET MY PAY CHECK AND 254 00:10:46,267 --> 00:10:46,527 GO. 255 00:10:46,533 --> 00:10:47,403 >> Daniel: I HAVE BEEN. 256 00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:49,170 THERE DID THE DRIVER APOLOGIZE? 257 00:10:49,167 --> 00:10:50,797 >> HE WAS IN TEARS. 258 00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:52,000 >> Daniel: IT WASN'T A WOMAN 259 00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:52,430 DRIVER? 260 00:10:52,433 --> 00:11:00,133 >> I'M ALIVE AREN'T I? 261 00:11:00,133 --> 00:11:00,733 >> Daniel: TOOSHA. 262 00:11:00,733 --> 00:11:02,133 >> WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE. 263 00:11:02,133 --> 00:11:04,633 >> DAVID COPPERFIELD. 264 00:11:04,633 --> 00:11:05,933 >> Daniel: DAVID COPPERFIELD, 265 00:11:05,933 --> 00:11:06,773 DAVID BLAINE. 266 00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:09,067 >> DAVID COPPERFIELD. 267 00:11:09,067 --> 00:11:10,127 >> Daniel: JUST ALL OF THEM. 268 00:11:10,133 --> 00:11:12,973 >> OPEN THE SALT MORE ME. 269 00:11:12,967 --> 00:11:13,497 >> Daniel: OKAY. 270 00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:14,570 >> MY HAND IS EMPTY. 271 00:11:14,567 --> 00:11:17,467 I WILL TAKE A LITTLE SALT AND 272 00:11:17,467 --> 00:11:18,827 POUR IT HERE. 273 00:11:18,833 --> 00:11:20,203 >> Daniel: I WATCHED IT GO. 274 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:20,470 IN. 275 00:11:20,467 --> 00:11:22,967 >> LET THE ACCESS GO OFF. 276 00:11:22,967 --> 00:11:26,197 I WILL POUR IT INTO YOUR HAND. 277 00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:27,930 NOW IT'S GONE. 278 00:11:27,933 --> 00:11:30,803 THE SALT HAS VANISHED. 279 00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:33,430 I WILL WAVE MY HAND A WHYS AND 280 00:11:33,433 --> 00:11:35,503 POOR IT NO YOUR HAND. 281 00:11:35,500 --> 00:11:36,930 >> Daniel: WHAT DO I DO WITH THE 282 00:11:36,933 --> 00:11:37,403 SALT? 283 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:40,830 I HAVE A CHOLESTEROL PROBLEM. 284 00:11:40,833 --> 00:11:42,373 >> Daniel: HAVE YOU DONE THE 285 00:11:42,367 --> 00:11:43,197 TRICK SINCE THEN. 286 00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:46,200 >> NOT SINCE THE ACCIDENT. 287 00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:46,970 >> Daniel: YOU HAVE THOUGHT 288 00:11:46,967 --> 00:11:47,367 ABOUT IT? 289 00:11:47,367 --> 00:11:49,427 >> I WOULD LIKE TO GO BEFORE THE 290 00:11:49,433 --> 00:11:50,773 SAME AUDIENCE. 291 00:11:50,767 --> 00:11:52,227 >> Daniel: DO YOU THINK THEY 292 00:11:52,233 --> 00:11:54,503 LEFT BELIEVING IT COULDN'T BE 293 00:11:54,500 --> 00:11:54,930 DONE. 294 00:11:54,933 --> 00:11:57,103 >> I THINK THEY HAD MIXED 295 00:11:57,100 --> 00:11:57,530 EMOTIONS. 296 00:11:57,533 --> 00:12:00,173 HE'S AN IDIOT OR -- 297 00:12:00,167 --> 00:12:00,927 >> Daniel: I WATCHED SOMEONE 298 00:12:00,933 --> 00:12:01,503 DIE. 299 00:12:01,500 --> 00:12:03,230 >> A LOST THEM DIDN'T KNOW I WAS 300 00:12:03,233 --> 00:12:05,173 ALIVE UNTIL IT WAS ON THE NEWS. 301 00:12:05,167 --> 00:12:06,327 >> Daniel: LET'S GET OUT OF HERE 302 00:12:06,333 --> 00:12:08,333 AND GET READY FOR TONIGHT'S BIG 303 00:12:08,333 --> 00:12:08,673 SHOEPLT. 304 00:12:08,667 --> 00:12:10,597 >> LET'S DO IT. 305 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:16,530 >> Daniel: WELCOME TELLER, HE'S 306 00:12:16,533 --> 00:12:19,973 HERE FOR ADVICE. 307 00:12:19,967 --> 00:12:36,127 [LAUGHING] 308 00:12:36,133 --> 00:12:40,173 [BEEP] 309 00:12:40,167 --> 00:12:41,697 >> Daniel: THAT WAS HELPFUL. 310 00:12:41,700 --> 00:12:43,830 I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT 311 00:12:43,833 --> 00:12:46,133 MAGIC OTHER THAN IT'S NOT REAL. 312 00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:48,633 I DO SNOW SOMETHING ABOUT 313 00:12:48,633 --> 00:12:54,073 SHOWMANSHIP. 314 00:12:54,067 --> 00:12:55,697 >> Daniel: SUPPOSE TO HIT THE 315 00:12:55,700 --> 00:12:58,500 [BEEP] BUTTON WHEN I -- 316 00:12:58,500 --> 00:13:00,070 * 317 00:13:00,067 --> 00:13:01,097 >> Daniel: THIS IS YOUR NEW 318 00:13:01,100 --> 00:13:01,400 LOOK. 319 00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:03,400 >> I DON'T KNOW IF MY FAT ASS 320 00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:05,370 WILL FIT IN THAT. 321 00:13:05,367 --> 00:13:06,497 >> Daniel: YOUR FAT ASS IS GOING 322 00:13:06,500 --> 00:13:07,900 TO FIT IN THAT. 323 00:13:07,900 --> 00:13:12,470 WE HAVE AN AUDIENCE WAITING FOR 324 00:13:12,467 --> 00:13:12,727 YOU. 325 00:13:12,733 --> 00:13:13,533 >> Daniel: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN 326 00:13:13,533 --> 00:13:15,703 [BEEP] OF ALL AGES PREPARED TO 327 00:13:15,700 --> 00:13:18,600 BE AMAZED. 328 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:24,800 I GIVE YOU THE GREAT MOODINI. 329 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:26,130 >> Daniel: LOOK GREAT, WORKING 330 00:13:26,133 --> 00:13:27,673 OUT I SEE. 331 00:13:27,667 --> 00:13:29,767 THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW ARE YOU 332 00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:35,867 READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT. 333 00:13:35,867 --> 00:13:37,467 >> HELL YA. 334 00:13:37,467 --> 00:13:38,967 >> Daniel: WE HAVE A FEW 335 00:13:38,967 --> 00:13:40,427 MODIFICATIONS IN CASE YOU SCREW 336 00:13:40,433 --> 00:13:41,733 UP AGAIN. 337 00:13:41,733 --> 00:13:43,333 DON'T WORRY IF YOU DON'T BREAK 338 00:13:43,333 --> 00:13:45,433 FRO I'M SURE THE BUMPER WILL 339 00:13:45,433 --> 00:13:47,433 TEAR OFF THIS THING. 340 00:13:47,433 --> 00:13:59,103 ALRIGHT. 341 00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:00,530 * 342 00:14:00,533 --> 00:14:10,073 * 343 00:14:10,067 --> 00:14:13,867 >> THE GREAT MOODINI. 344 00:14:13,867 --> 00:14:15,967 [ APPLAUSE ] 345 00:14:15,967 --> 00:14:18,927 >> TADA! 346 00:14:18,933 --> 00:14:29,673 [ APPLAUSE ] 347 00:14:29,667 --> 00:14:31,627 >> Daniel: WE ALL KNOW RACING IS 348 00:14:31,633 --> 00:14:32,073 DANGEROUS. 349 00:14:32,067 --> 00:14:33,897 REMEMBER IT'S ALMOST POINT LESS. 350 00:14:33,900 --> 00:14:34,900 WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK. 351 00:14:34,900 --> 00:14:37,630 BUT FIRST LET'S WATCH THESE 352 00:14:37,633 --> 00:14:40,873 MEXICANS SERENADE A WHALE. 353 00:14:40,867 --> 00:14:41,897 * 354 00:14:41,900 --> 00:14:59,070 * 355 00:14:59,067 --> 00:15:06,827 >> OPEN THE DOOR. 356 00:15:06,833 --> 00:15:08,933 [LAUGHING] 357 00:15:08,933 --> 00:15:10,133 (SCREAMING ). 358 00:15:10,133 --> 00:15:11,133 >> Daniel: I CAN'T WAIT TO COME 359 00:15:11,133 --> 00:15:13,333 OUT OF THE CLOSET TO MY SON. 360 00:15:13,333 --> 00:15:15,233 [LAUGHING] 361 00:15:15,233 --> 00:15:17,173 >> Daniel: PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK I 362 00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:19,067 DIDN'T STOP SHOWING GROSS VIDEOS 363 00:15:19,067 --> 00:15:20,067 ON THE SHOW? 364 00:15:20,067 --> 00:15:21,727 WELL, SINCE HALLOWEEN IS COMING 365 00:15:21,733 --> 00:15:24,803 UP I'M MAKING AN EXCEPTION AND 366 00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:28,270 TREATING YOU TO THE SICKEST 367 00:15:28,267 --> 00:15:31,067 VIDEOS WE CAN LOWELLLY AIR. 368 00:15:31,067 --> 00:15:34,627 LET'S EASE YOU INTO SOMETHING 369 00:15:34,633 --> 00:15:36,073 MODERATELY DISTURBING. 370 00:15:36,067 --> 00:15:46,167 >> 371 00:15:46,167 --> 00:15:49,727 >> KHAN HAS TWO HEADS. 372 00:15:49,733 --> 00:15:52,103 >> Daniel: HIS TWO HEADS AREN'T 373 00:15:52,100 --> 00:15:55,130 AS BIG OF PEYTON MANNING'S ONE. 374 00:15:55,133 --> 00:15:56,973 NOTHING A RETAINER CAN'T FIX. 375 00:15:56,967 --> 00:15:59,867 HIS FLOSSING ROUTINE IS A 376 00:15:59,867 --> 00:16:00,327 NIGHTMARE. 377 00:16:00,333 --> 00:16:03,433 YOU SHOULD HEAR HIS KARAOKE OF 378 00:16:03,433 --> 00:16:05,173 "I GOT YOU BABE." 379 00:16:05,167 --> 00:16:06,427 THAT WASN'T TOO BAD. 380 00:16:06,433 --> 00:16:09,833 LET'S GET A LITTLE GROSSER. 381 00:16:09,833 --> 00:16:12,333 THIS GUY WAS SO STUFFED UP HE 382 00:16:12,333 --> 00:16:14,333 HAD TO HIRE A DOCTORS TO PICK 383 00:16:14,333 --> 00:16:17,473 HIS NOSE. 384 00:16:17,467 --> 00:16:20,797 (OOO! ) 385 00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:22,600 >> Daniel: THAT COULD FEED AN 386 00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:27,900 ENTIRE VILLAGE OF 5-YEAR-OLDS. 387 00:16:27,900 --> 00:16:29,200 >> Daniel: I HOPE THE DOCTOR HAS 388 00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:31,600 A GIANT DESK HE WAS WIPE THAT 389 00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:32,070 UNDER. 390 00:16:32,067 --> 00:16:33,397 I DON'T KNOW WHAT WAS IN HIS 391 00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,400 NOSE BUT I REALLY DON'T KNOW 392 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:37,700 WHAT IS COMING OUT OF THIS GUY'S 393 00:16:37,700 --> 00:16:42,630 CHEST. 394 00:16:42,633 --> 00:16:45,803 >> OH [BEEP] 395 00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:50,930 [BEEP] 396 00:16:50,933 --> 00:16:53,833 (OOH! ). 397 00:16:53,833 --> 00:16:55,573 >> Daniel: HE'S NATURE'S 398 00:16:55,567 --> 00:16:57,467 GROSSEST SOFT SERVE MACHINE. 399 00:16:57,467 --> 00:17:00,467 WHATEVER THAT IS I THINK IT'S 400 00:17:00,467 --> 00:17:00,797 SPOILED. 401 00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:02,570 IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S GRAPE 402 00:17:02,567 --> 00:17:02,967 FLAVORED. 403 00:17:02,967 --> 00:17:05,667 SOMEONE GRAB AN ENGLISH MUFFIN. 404 00:17:05,667 --> 00:17:07,327 IS THAT BLACK CRUDE? 405 00:17:07,333 --> 00:17:08,833 DRILL BABY, DRILL. 406 00:17:08,833 --> 00:17:10,573 THAT WAS DISGUSTING. 407 00:17:10,567 --> 00:17:12,567 BUT IT WAS NOT DISGUSTING 408 00:17:12,567 --> 00:17:12,897 ENOUGH. 409 00:17:12,900 --> 00:17:18,100 THIS IS HALLOWEEN. 410 00:17:18,100 --> 00:17:24,330 >> Daniel: OH, THAT'S TOE UP. 411 00:17:24,333 --> 00:17:26,533 (OOH! ) 412 00:17:26,533 --> 00:17:32,703 >> Daniel: OKAY DOCTOR SCHOLLS 413 00:17:32,700 --> 00:17:36,070 IGHT NOT BE A REAL DOCTOR.M 414 00:17:36,067 --> 00:17:38,767 IT'S EASIER TO PAINT YOUR 415 00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:42,167 TOENAIL AFTER YOU RIP IT OFF. 416 00:17:42,167 --> 00:17:45,127 MAKE SURE YOU SAUFB THAT FOR THE 417 00:17:45,133 --> 00:17:47,103 TOENAIL FAIRY? 418 00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:49,470 HAS ANYONE VOMITED YET. 419 00:17:49,467 --> 00:17:49,727 NO? 420 00:17:49,733 --> 00:17:55,073 MAYBE THIS WILL DO IT. 421 00:17:55,067 --> 00:17:55,397 (OOH!) 422 00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:56,330 >> Daniel: THE EYES TO THE 423 00:17:56,333 --> 00:18:01,773 WINDOW OF THE SOUL. 424 00:18:01,767 --> 00:18:02,597 >> Daniel: AND SHE'S STAY THAT 425 00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:04,430 WAY UNTIL THE CURSE OF DAVEY 426 00:18:04,433 --> 00:18:05,673 JONES IS LIFTED. 427 00:18:05,667 --> 00:18:08,427 RELAX SHE MIGHT BE A TERMINATOR. 428 00:18:08,433 --> 00:18:10,803 I KNOW THAT WAS HORRIFYING BUT 429 00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:13,230 IT PAILS IN COMPARISON TO WHAT 430 00:18:13,233 --> 00:18:14,833 YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE. 431 00:18:14,833 --> 00:18:18,073 NO! 432 00:18:18,067 --> 00:18:22,527 CHRISTINA AGUILERA, OH! 433 00:18:22,533 --> 00:18:24,303 [ APPLAUSE ] 434 00:18:24,300 --> 00:18:25,530 >> Daniel: GOOD LUCK STUFFING 435 00:18:25,533 --> 00:18:28,573 THAT GENIE BACK INTO THE BOTTLE. 436 00:18:28,567 --> 00:18:31,167 DON'T FORGET TO OUR BLOG AND UP 437 00:18:31,167 --> 00:18:32,967 LOAD A CLIP FOR A VIEWER VIDEO. 438 00:18:32,967 --> 00:18:37,367 THIS COMES FROM SHAWN AND PAYMAN 439 00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:37,667 BENZ. 440 00:18:37,667 --> 00:18:39,397 >> SO, HOW ARE THINGS WITH YOU 441 00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:39,870 AND RICH. 442 00:18:39,867 --> 00:18:40,767 >> GOOD. 443 00:18:40,767 --> 00:18:43,867 YA, WELL ... 444 00:18:43,867 --> 00:18:44,527 >> WHAT? 445 00:18:44,533 --> 00:18:45,173 >> I DON'T KNOW. 446 00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:47,527 I ALWAYS GO DOWN ON HIM AND HE 447 00:18:47,533 --> 00:18:49,573 NEVER RETURNS THE FAVOR. 448 00:18:49,567 --> 00:18:52,327 >> DOESN'T REALLY SEEM FARE. 449 00:18:52,333 --> 00:18:54,633 >> IT IS. 450 00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:56,803 IF IT'S HEAD IT'S MY TURN. 451 00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:59,400 IF IT'S TAILS IT'S HIS. 452 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:01,770 HE HAS BEEN ON A WINNING STREAK. 453 00:19:01,767 --> 00:19:03,367 >> SPEAK OF THE DEVIL. 454 00:19:03,367 --> 00:19:06,227 >> HI HONEY, I'M HERE WITH 455 00:19:06,233 --> 00:19:06,603 MILLIONY. 456 00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:07,800 IT'S HEADS GET OVER HERE. 457 00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:10,230 >> YA, I'LL PICK SOME UP ON THE 458 00:19:10,233 --> 00:19:11,633 WAY HOME. 459 00:19:11,633 --> 00:19:13,073 >> Daniel: WHEN I WIN A COIN 460 00:19:13,067 --> 00:19:14,497 TOSS I LIKE TO DEFER TO THE 461 00:19:14,500 --> 00:19:15,100 SECOND HALF. 462 00:19:15,100 --> 00:19:18,570 WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE 463 00:19:18,567 --> 00:19:19,067 DISTRACTION. 464 00:19:19,067 --> 00:19:32,067 * CHEERS CHEERS 465 00:19:32,067 --> 00:19:35,267 WHAT IS THIS AMATEUR HOUR? 466 00:19:35,267 --> 00:19:36,567 THAT'S JUST FUN TO SAY. 467 00:19:36,567 --> 00:19:38,767 NEXT WEEK WE FIND OUT IF A KID 468 00:19:38,767 --> 00:19:40,697 WHO STUCK HIS HEAD OUT OF A 469 00:19:40,700 --> 00:19:42,900 MOVING CAR IS DEAD. 470 00:19:42,900 --> 00:19:46,730 OH [BEEP] 471 00:19:46,733 --> 00:19:48,773 >> Daniel: SPOILER ALERT, IS HE 472 00:19:48,767 --> 00:19:49,067 DEAD. 473 00:19:49,067 --> 00:19:51,267 FOLLOW ME ON TWIT TORE LIVE CHAT 474 00:19:51,267 --> 00:19:52,167 DURING THE SHOWS. 475 00:19:52,167 --> 00:19:54,527 KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG AND COME 476 00:19:54,533 --> 00:19:56,473 SEE ME ON TOUR OVER THE 477 00:19:56,467 --> 00:19:56,897 HOLIDAYS. 478 00:19:56,900 --> 00:20:00,030 THE OTHER WEEK WE SHOWED YOU A 479 00:20:00,033 --> 00:20:04,703 PRANK PIE SLASH, NUT TAP, BITCH 480 00:20:04,700 --> 00:20:05,000 SLAP. 481 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:09,370 IT HAS TAKEN ON A LIFE OF IT'S 482 00:20:09,367 --> 00:20:10,027 OWN. 483 00:20:10,033 --> 00:20:12,233 WE HAVE A WARNING. 484 00:20:12,233 --> 00:20:14,403 JUST SO YOU KNOW IF YOU IGNORE 485 00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:16,000 THAT WARNING WE WILL NOT PUT YOU 486 00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:18,630 ON TV. 487 00:20:18,633 --> 00:20:21,203 * 488 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:25,900 (YELLING ) 489 00:20:25,900 --> 00:20:28,870 >> NUT TAP, NUT TAP 490 00:20:28,867 --> 00:20:30,227 >> OH! 491 00:20:30,233 --> 00:20:32,773 >> NUT TAP, BITCH SLAP 492 00:20:32,767 --> 00:20:35,867 [LAUGHING] 493 00:20:35,867 --> 00:20:38,027 [LAUGHING] 494 00:20:38,033 --> 00:20:39,403 [BEEP] 495 00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:41,600 [BEEP] 496 00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:42,200 >> Daniel: ALRIGHT. 497 00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,130 I'M GUESSING THOSE WERE ALL SHOT 498 00:20:44,133 --> 00:20:46,733 BEFORE OUR EPISODE AIRED. 499 00:20:46,733 --> 00:20:47,073 ALRIGHT. 500 00:20:47,067 --> 00:20:47,897 GOOD NIGHT. 501 00:20:47,900 --> 00:20:49,930 REMEMBER NO HAPPY ENDINGS. 502 00:20:49,933 --> 00:20:51,403 [ APPLAUSE ] 503 00:20:51,400 --> 00:21:04,800 * K-RB STKAFPLT DID YOU GROW YOU 504 00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:06,970 WANTING TO BE A MA GISHIAN. 505 00:21:06,967 --> 00:21:10,197 >> I SAW MY FIRST MAGIC TRISH 506 00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:12,900 FROM A MAGICIAN FROM FRESNO, 507 00:21:12,900 --> 00:21:13,700 CALIFORNIA. 30964

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