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[LAUGHING]
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*
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[ APPLAUSE ]
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*
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>> HOW IS ANYONE ALIEVE IN
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AFRICA?
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[LAUGHING]
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>> WELCOME TO TOSH.O, OHIO
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STATE.
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YOU WANTED THE BEST YOU GOT THE
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VEST.
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[LAUGHING]
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>> WHICH ONE OF BOYS WOULD LIKE
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TO DOT MY i.
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TONIGHT THE SHROOM GUY GETS A
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WEB INTERVENTION.
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WE LEARN TO PAY IT BACKWARDS AND
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I GIVE YOU A RARE LOOK INTO MY
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GEM FILE.
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SOME HOW ANIMALS KNOW NOT TO
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RESPECTIVELY RESPECT CYCLIST.
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THE ONE TIME THERE ISN'T A DEER
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CROSSING SIGN
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*
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[LAUGHING]
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>> THAT WAS THREE OF OUR WRITERS
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KIND OF SINGING THE SONG.
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SO WE DON'T GET SUED.
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AHHH, THE CYCLE OF LIFE.
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ALRIGHT DEPENDS ON THE SPOT THAT
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LOOKS LIKE GOOD GOAL LINE
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DEFENSE.
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THIS WOULDN'T HAPPEN IF WE WOULD
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DESTROY MORE OF THEIR NATURAL
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HABITAT.
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THIS NEXT GENIUS IS ONE HERS
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INSPIRATION.
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110% PRAEUGS.
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THAT'S 111%.
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>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND A LICK OF
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GERMAN.
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CAN WE SPEED THIS PRESS
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CONFERENCE UP.
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IT'S STARTING TO GET WARM IN
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HERE.
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THEY REALLY MUST BE GRILLING
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HIM.
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[LAUGHING]
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>> DRI-FIT COULD REVOLUTIONIZE
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THAT MISSION RABBLE COUNTRY.
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ARE THEY HOLDING THIS PRESS
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CONFERENCE ON THE SUN?
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HE'S FOREIGN YOU KNOW HE STINKS
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TOO. I HAVE A FEELING THIS NEXT
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STUNT WILL TOTALLY BE WORTH IT.
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>> NOW THAT IS A TWISTED ANKLE.
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[BEEP]
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>> YA, YOUR FOOT SON BACKWARDS.
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IS ON
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BACKWARDS.
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[BEEP]
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>> ALRIGHT.
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AT THIS UPON THE IT MAKES MORE
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SENSE TO TURN IT ALL THE WAY
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AROUND.
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THIS IS DEFINITELY THE WRONG WAY
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TO EAT A REESE'S.
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SHOCK LATE AND PEANUT BUTTER A
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CLASSIC COMBINATION.
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IS THAT EAGLE EYE CHERRY?
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BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE --
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TONIGHT.
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ENOUGH FOR PLAY NOW SLATHER SOME
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ON YOUR DONG.
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THAT GUY MAKES A HEALTHY SNACK.
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[LAUGHING]
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>> THANK YOU.
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>> NEVER MIND MY MOM USE TO MAKE
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THE BEST ANTS ON A LOG.
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SHE WOULD HOLD THE RAISINS AND
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PEANUT BUTTER.
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SHE WOULD PUT UP A SIDE OF RANCH
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AND BUFFALO WINGS.
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THAT WOMAN IS A SAINT.
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>> LOOK AT THIS HORNY OLD
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SHRUFRPLT.
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>> SHE HAD NO DOUBTS ON WHAT SHE
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WANTED FOR A 100 YEAR BIRTHDAY
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PARTY.
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[LAUGHING]
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*
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[LAUGHING]
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>> GET YOUR ARTHRITIS RIDDLED
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HAND OFF THE DANCERS LADY.
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WHAT KIND OF AN ESTABLISHMENT DO
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YOU THINK THIS IS.
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IT'S NOISE THEY DIDN'T TELL THE
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DANCERS SHE HAS BEEN DEAD FOR
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THREE HOURS.
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IF SHE'S NOT CAREFUL THE QUILT
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SHE KNITTED WILL BE MOIST.
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WOULD I RATHER HAVE A
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100-YEAR-OLD STRIPPER NOW THAN A
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STRIPPER ON MY 100th BIRTHDAY.
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THAT'S HOW I PARTY.
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*
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>> ALRIGHT.
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>> WOO! YA!
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*
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>> WOO!
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>> THERE YOU GO.
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>> THANK YOU.
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*
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>> OH.
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>> THANKS TO DEMI MOORE FOR
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STRIP TEASE.
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I CAN'T BELIEVE ASHTON CHEATED
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ON YOU.
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YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL MATURE
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WOMAN.
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WHAT IS NEXT?
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[BEEP]
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[BEEP]
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>> LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A HOT BODY
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CONTEST ON OUR HANDS.
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SOMEONE JUST SAW REAL STEEL.
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TIME TO DO SHIRTS VERSUS SKINS
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IN THIS BREAKDOWN.
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WELCOME TO PHILADELPHIA WHERE
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EVEN THE WHITE PEOPLE ACT BLACK.
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NOT SURE WHO THEY'RE ARGUING
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ABOUT.
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MAYBE IT'S WHO GETS THE LAST
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CIALIS.
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YOU HAVE TO BE BRAVE TO RIP YOUR
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SHIRT IN PHILLY.
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IT'S THE CREAM CHEESE CAPITOL OF
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THE WORLD.
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NOTHING WRONG WITH SHOWING PRIDE
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IN YOUR NEXT.
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A BOLD DISPLAY OF CONFIDENCE.
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APPARENTLY THERE IS ONLY ROM FOR
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ONE MIDDLE AGED BALD MAN ON THIS
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SIDEWALK.
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>> HERE.
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>> THAT'S WHY YOU NEVER MESS
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WITH A MAN WEARING BITCHIN
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DESIGNER JEANS.
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THEY HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE.
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>> I HAVE FIFTH AND WASHINGTON
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IS WHERE A BIG BUNCH OF NANCY
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BOYS LIVE.
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GOOD THING HE'S WEARING HIS
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PAJAMA BOTTOMS THAT LIGHT JAB
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PUT HIM TO SLEEP.
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[BEEP]
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>> SURE KICKING A GUY IN THE
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RIBS WITH POINTY BOOTS IS A
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DIRTY MOVE WHEN YOUR CITY SAVIOR
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IS MICHAEL VICK YOU STOP
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WORRYING WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF
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YOU.
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THAT'S ENOUGH EXCITEMENT FOR YOU
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OLD TIMERS.
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IT'S ALMOST 4:00 P.M. AND YOU
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HAVE TO EAT YOUR SUPPER.
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WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE
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WEB INTERVENTION.
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FIRST I THINK SHE MIGHT BE
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DROOLING ON YOUR PILLOW.
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>> WHY DOESN'T SOMEBODY --
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[LAUGHING]
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>> OH, YA SHE DID.
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>> OH!
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[LAUGHING]
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>> 102.
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>> HI.
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>> IT'S OKAY.
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>> IT'S OKAY.
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>> IT'S OKAY.
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>> -- THIS IS THE LAST TIME.
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>> IT'S OKAY.
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I UNDERSTAND.
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>> IS I'M GOING TO DIE.
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[LAUGHING]
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>> -- IT'S OKAY.
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I CAN FEEL IT AND HEAR THIS ONE.
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[LAUGHING]
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>> THIS IS GOING TO DIE THOUGH.
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THIS IS GOING TO DIE THOUGH.
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>> REMEMBER YOUR MOM IS WORRIED
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ABOUT YOU.
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RELAX.
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>> MOM!
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>> YOUR MOM IS A NARC.
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>> THAT EXPERIMENTAL DRUG USER
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LITTLE AT HOME IS TIM.
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HE WAS TRIPPING ON SHROOMS.
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I DON'T USE DRUGS.
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WHEN YOUR REALITY IS FABULOUS
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YOU DON'T NODE TO.
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HEROIN HAS ZERO CALORIES AND
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GIVES YOU A LEAN LOOK.
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ANYTHING BEATS LIVING IN A
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CHURCH BASEMENT AND WORKING 12
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STEPS.
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ESPECIALLY NUMBER 9.
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SOME ADDICTS BECOME BORN AGAIN
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CHRISTIANS DURING RECOVERY .
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JESUS MAY FORGIVE YOU BUT YOU
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OWE ME $1200.
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YOU TOOK 16 OXYCODONE INSTEAD OF
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ONE.
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THE TRAGEDY IS THAT HEATH
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COULDN'T COUNT.
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I WATCHED EVERY SEASON OF
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CELEBRITY REHAB AND IT NEVER
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WORKS.
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ADDICTION IS NOT A DISEASE YOU
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CAN'T STOP HAVING CANCER.
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YOU CAN STOP SNORTING COKE.
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STEVE JOBS HAD A DISEASE.
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STEVE-O HAD BAD PARENTS.
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TIM MADE TERRIBLE LIFE CHOICES.
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I DID WHAT ANYONE WOULD DO I
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EXPOSED HIM IN THIS WEEK'S WEB
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INTERVENTION.
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>> HI.
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>> IT'S OKAY.
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>> AHHH!
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>> I LOVE YOU THIS IS GOING TO
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DIE THOUGH.
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>> WHERE ARE YOU FROM, TIM?
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>> APPLETON, WISCONSIN.
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>> WHAT'S THE BEST THING TO DO
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IN APPLETON BESIDES DRUGS.
237
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>> MY FAVORITE THING TO DO IS GO
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FOR LONG WALKS AND LOOK FOR
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CELLPHONE TOWERS.
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SO I CAN AVOID BEING CLOSE TO
241
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THEM.
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>> WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?
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>> I AM CURRENTLY UNDER EMPLOYED
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AT PIZZA HUT.
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>> I LIKE UNDER EMPLOYED.
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>> TELL ME ABOUT THE VIDEO.
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WHEN WAS THAT, WHAT HAPPENED.
248
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>> THAT WAS TWO SUMMERS AGO.
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I ATE A MUSHROOM.
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MY MOM CAME HOME.
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I WAS SAYING THINGS THAT DIDN'T
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MAKE SENSE.
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I SAID MUSHROOMS.
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ANOTHER THING I SAID WAS I'M
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GOING TO DIE.
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SHE CALLED 911.
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THEY ALSO HAD A POLICE OFFICER
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WITH THEM.
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THAT SCARED ME SO I WAS LIKE
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OKAY, I'M GOING TO LIE DOWN ON
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THE GROUND NOW.
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>> YOU WERE NAKED.
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>> OH, YA.
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>> DID YOU GET RUG BURN ON YOUR
265
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WEINER?
266
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>> I DON'T RECALL THAT BUT ONCE
267
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THE COP STRAPPED ME TO TABLES
268
00:10:10,833 --> 00:10:13,033
YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT TO
269
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SOMEONE EATING A HALLUCINOGENIC.
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>> DID YOU THINK YOU COULD BREAK
271
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OUT OF THE RESTRAINTS BY MAKING
272
00:10:21,033 --> 00:10:21,803
EXPLOSION NOISES?
273
00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:23,400
>> I THOUGHT THAT WAS PART OF
274
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:25,100
THE WHOLE I WAS GOING TO DIE
275
00:10:25,100 --> 00:10:25,400
THING.
276
00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:27,130
THAT THEY WERE ACTUALLY GOING TO
277
00:10:27,133 --> 00:10:28,973
SQUEEZE THE AIR OUT OF MY LUNGS.
278
00:10:28,967 --> 00:10:30,567
>> DID YOU END UP DYING.
279
00:10:30,567 --> 00:10:33,827
>> I THINK I CAME INFINITILY
280
00:10:33,833 --> 00:10:35,073
CLOSER AND CLOSER TO THE MOMENT
281
00:10:35,067 --> 00:10:36,667
OF DIEING AND WAS REBORN.
282
00:10:36,667 --> 00:10:38,067
>> YOU MIGHT BE JESUS.
283
00:10:38,067 --> 00:10:42,967
>> WELL LET'S NOT GO OVERBOARD.
284
00:10:42,967 --> 00:10:45,267
>> WHY WOULDN'T THEY LET YOU
285
00:10:45,267 --> 00:10:46,227
GRAB YOUR BALLS?
286
00:10:46,233 --> 00:10:47,573
>> THAT BOTHERS ME.
287
00:10:47,567 --> 00:10:49,567
>> WHEN A MAN HAS TO TOUCH HIS
288
00:10:49,567 --> 00:10:52,027
BALLS YOU HAVE TO RESPECT THAT.
289
00:10:52,033 --> 00:10:53,373
>> GRAB A SHOVE HE WILL.
290
00:10:53,367 --> 00:10:55,197
>> WHY DID YOU ASK YOUR MOTHER
291
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:56,200
FOR A SHOVE HE WILL?
292
00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:58,030
>> SO SHE COULD HELP GET THESE
293
00:10:58,033 --> 00:11:00,703
PEOPLE AWAY AND FRO ME FROM THE
294
00:11:00,700 --> 00:11:01,400
TABLE.
295
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:03,230
>> SHOVE HE WILL IS THE GO TO.
296
00:11:03,233 --> 00:11:03,873
>> I GUESS.
297
00:11:03,867 --> 00:11:05,967
>> YOU FORGAVE YOURSELF FOR
298
00:11:05,967 --> 00:11:07,067
EATING ALL THE MEAT.
299
00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:09,067
THAT MEANS YOU'RE A PRETTY PURE
300
00:11:09,067 --> 00:11:10,927
PERSON THAT, THAT THOUGHT CAME
301
00:11:10,933 --> 00:11:12,533
TO YOUR MIND.
302
00:11:12,533 --> 00:11:16,303
>> NAH.
303
00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:17,830
>> IT WOULD BE WORST IF YOU
304
00:11:17,833 --> 00:11:19,873
TALKED ABOUT THE KID YOU KILLED
305
00:11:19,867 --> 00:11:22,697
AND BURIED IN THE BACK YARD.
306
00:11:22,700 --> 00:11:24,470
ARE YOU COMFORTABLE BEING NAKED
307
00:11:24,467 --> 00:11:26,097
IN FRONT OF YOUR MOTHER?
308
00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:26,700
>> YES.
309
00:11:26,700 --> 00:11:27,570
I WAS BEFORE THIS.
310
00:11:27,567 --> 00:11:29,967
>> DOES YOUR MOTHER KNOW HOW TO
311
00:11:29,967 --> 00:11:31,667
REACT WHEN YOU'RE ON SHROOMS.
312
00:11:31,667 --> 00:11:33,427
>> I HAVEN'T DONE THEM SINCE.
313
00:11:33,433 --> 00:11:35,073
>> NOT ONE TIME SINCE THEN.
314
00:11:35,067 --> 00:11:35,797
>> NO.
315
00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:37,600
I'M NOT BIG INTO DRUGS AT ALL.
316
00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:39,870
>> DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE ON
317
00:11:39,867 --> 00:11:41,597
YOUR RECORD?
318
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:42,600
>> MARIJUANA POSSESSION.
319
00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:44,630
I MIGHT AS WELL JUST TELL THE
320
00:11:44,633 --> 00:11:45,073
WORLDMENT.
321
00:11:45,067 --> 00:11:47,697
>> DOES THAT MAKE YOU MORE
322
00:11:47,700 --> 00:11:48,900
POPULAR IN THE HOMETOWN?
323
00:11:48,900 --> 00:11:50,900
>> ONLY WHEN I TOLD TWO OR THREE
324
00:11:50,900 --> 00:11:53,130
PEOPLE I WAS COMING HERE TO DO.
325
00:11:53,133 --> 00:11:53,433
THIS.
326
00:11:53,433 --> 00:11:55,503
>> THIS WILL OPEN MORE DOORS FOR
327
00:11:55,500 --> 00:11:55,770
YOU.
328
00:11:55,767 --> 00:11:56,827
>> I DON'T KNOW.
329
00:11:56,833 --> 00:11:58,333
>> PIZZA HUT WILL HAVE A LONG
330
00:11:58,333 --> 00:11:58,633
LINE.
331
00:11:58,633 --> 00:12:00,833
>> LET'S GET OUT OF HERE I HAVE
332
00:12:00,833 --> 00:12:02,473
TICKETS FOR THE PLANETARIUM.
333
00:12:02,467 --> 00:12:03,367
>> ALRIGHT.
334
00:12:03,367 --> 00:12:04,297
COOL.
335
00:12:04,300 --> 00:12:06,400
>> WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
336
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:07,170
>> SURPRISE.
337
00:12:07,167 --> 00:12:08,897
>> THIS ISN'T A LASER LIGHT
338
00:12:08,900 --> 00:12:09,200
SHOW.
339
00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:10,370
IT'S A INTERVENTION.
340
00:12:10,367 --> 00:12:12,127
THESE PEOPLE LOVE YOU LIKE
341
00:12:12,133 --> 00:12:12,433
CRAZY.
342
00:12:12,433 --> 00:12:13,933
I WANT YOU TO HEAR THEM OUT.
343
00:12:13,933 --> 00:12:15,533
>> HI, MOM, DAD.
344
00:12:15,533 --> 00:12:16,773
WHAT ARE THE REST OF THE PEOPLE
345
00:12:16,767 --> 00:12:17,697
DOING HERE.
346
00:12:17,700 --> 00:12:19,400
>> GUESS THEY'RE HERE EAR LEE
347
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:21,070
FOR THE NEXT INTERVENTION.
348
00:12:21,067 --> 00:12:22,427
KWREURPBLGTS A CLOWN.
349
00:12:22,433 --> 00:12:24,273
>> BECAUSE HE'S A TKEBGTED TO
350
00:12:24,267 --> 00:12:26,567
SMILES AND I INVITED HIM THESE
351
00:12:26,567 --> 00:12:28,767
THINGS ARE SO DEPRESSING.
352
00:12:28,767 --> 00:12:30,597
>> WE'RE HERE TODAY BECAUSE WE
353
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:32,700
WANTED A FREE TRIP TO L.A.
354
00:12:32,700 --> 00:12:34,370
>> WE DON'T THINK YOU HAVE A
355
00:12:34,367 --> 00:12:34,697
PROBLEM.
356
00:12:34,700 --> 00:12:37,930
>> I JOTTED DOWN A FEW THINGS
357
00:12:37,933 --> 00:12:38,273
TOO.
358
00:12:38,267 --> 00:12:41,527
>> YOUR LIFE IS -- WHEN YOU DO
359
00:12:41,533 --> 00:12:43,803
DRUGS YOU TURN MY HEART INTO A
360
00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:47,530
BIG BLACK JELLY BEAN.
361
00:12:47,533 --> 00:12:47,903
[LAUGHING]
362
00:12:47,900 --> 00:12:49,970
>> I KNEW IT WAS A GOOD IDEA
363
00:12:49,967 --> 00:12:50,967
INVITING THIS GUY.
364
00:12:50,967 --> 00:12:52,767
>> TIMOTHY, BECAUSE OF YOUR DRUG
365
00:12:52,767 --> 00:12:54,897
USE I GOT TO SEE YOU NAKED.
366
00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:56,670
THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT OKAY.
367
00:12:56,667 --> 00:12:58,327
AFTER HEARING YOUR PARENTS
368
00:12:58,333 --> 00:13:00,973
LETTER I'M NOT SURE YOU HAVE HIT
369
00:13:00,967 --> 00:13:02,527
ROCK BOTTOM YET.
370
00:13:02,533 --> 00:13:04,633
I'M RESCINDING THE GIFT OF REHAB
371
00:13:04,633 --> 00:13:05,633
UNTIL YOU.
372
00:13:05,633 --> 00:13:06,233
DO HERE WE GO.
373
00:13:06,233 --> 00:13:08,433
>> OKAY WHAT DID YOU GET.
374
00:13:08,433 --> 00:13:12,273
>> BATH SALTS, AIR SALT AND
375
00:13:12,267 --> 00:13:12,597
JINKIN.
376
00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:18,300
>> WHAT'S JINKIN?FOR
377
00:13:18,300 --> 00:13:20,870
>> FOR MEN WHO PEE IN POOP.
378
00:13:20,867 --> 00:13:22,297
>> I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING.
379
00:13:22,300 --> 00:13:25,330
>> I DON'T THINK IT'S WORKING.
380
00:13:25,333 --> 00:13:26,903
[BEEP]
381
00:13:26,900 --> 00:13:29,470
>> ONE LAST TIME --
382
00:13:29,467 --> 00:13:32,967
I CAN HEAR THIS ONE.
383
00:13:32,967 --> 00:13:35,267
>> MOM GET THE SHOVEL!
384
00:13:35,267 --> 00:13:37,067
>> GRAB MY BALLS.
385
00:13:37,067 --> 00:13:38,397
>> AM I GOING TO DIE.
386
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:39,800
>> THIS IS GOING TO DIE.
387
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:41,400
THIS IS GOING TO DO I.
388
00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:44,430
DIE, THIS IS GOING TO DIE.
389
00:13:44,433 --> 00:13:45,673
DIE THOUGH.
390
00:13:45,667 --> 00:13:48,197
>> I CAN NOT BELIEVE THIS
391
00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:50,070
HAPPENED AGAIN.
392
00:13:50,067 --> 00:13:52,627
>> DID WE KILL A CLOWN LAST
393
00:13:52,633 --> 00:13:52,933
NIGHT.
394
00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:54,073
>> ROCK BOTTOM.
395
00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:56,427
I THINK YOU'RE READY FOR REHAB.
396
00:13:56,433 --> 00:13:59,403
READY TO TAKE YOUR LIFE BACK?
397
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:00,700
(KNOCKING ON THE DOR ).
398
00:14:00,700 --> 00:14:03,070
>> WELCOME TO REHAB.
399
00:14:03,067 --> 00:14:03,927
>> AMY WINEHOUSE.
400
00:14:03,933 --> 00:14:05,173
BUT YOU'RE --
401
00:14:05,167 --> 00:14:07,727
>> WE MUST OF OVERDOSED
402
00:14:07,733 --> 00:14:08,073
[BEEP]
403
00:14:08,067 --> 00:14:09,097
>> ARE YOU DRINKING?
404
00:14:09,100 --> 00:14:09,930
>> YA.
405
00:14:09,933 --> 00:14:10,903
THIS IS HEAVEN.
406
00:14:10,900 --> 00:14:13,070
YOU CAN DRINK IN REHAB HERE.
407
00:14:13,067 --> 00:14:14,367
COME ON IN.
408
00:14:14,367 --> 00:14:17,767
>> WHY ARE THE JONAS BROTHERS
409
00:14:17,767 --> 00:14:18,127
HERE.
410
00:14:18,133 --> 00:14:18,673
THEY'RE NOT DEAD.
411
00:14:18,667 --> 00:14:20,427
>> BECAUSE THIS WON'T AIR FOR
412
00:14:20,433 --> 00:14:21,403
FOUR WEEKS.
413
00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:23,330
HOW AMAZING IT WOULD IT BE IF
414
00:14:23,333 --> 00:14:28,633
THEY ALL ACTUALLY DIED.
415
00:14:28,633 --> 00:14:31,073
[ APPLAUSE ]
416
00:14:31,067 --> 00:14:31,897
>> TOPICAL.
417
00:14:31,900 --> 00:14:34,730
WE SHOT THAT AMY WINEHOUSE'S
418
00:14:34,733 --> 00:14:36,603
DEATH WAS STILL IN THE NEWS.
419
00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:38,300
WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST
420
00:14:38,300 --> 00:14:39,930
LET'S CLEAN THE SHOW UP.
421
00:14:39,933 --> 00:14:43,773
[LAUGHING]
422
00:14:55,100 --> 00:14:59,330
*
423
00:14:59,333 --> 00:15:02,073
>> IT'S IN THIS DRIVE-THRU IN
424
00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:03,597
STARBUCKS WHERE MORE AND MORE
425
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:05,570
PEOPLE ARE PICKING UP A STORY
426
00:15:05,567 --> 00:15:08,497
LIKE THE ONE THAT LINDA GREEN
427
00:15:08,500 --> 00:15:09,200
NOW TELLS.
428
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,300
>> WE PULLED UP TO THE ONE
429
00:15:11,300 --> 00:15:11,600
DOUGH.
430
00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:13,100
THE GIRL IN THE WINDOW SAYS
431
00:15:13,100 --> 00:15:15,430
THERE IS NO CHARGE TODAY.
432
00:15:15,433 --> 00:15:17,503
>> THE WOMAN IN FRONT OF HIM
433
00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:18,230
PAID HIS BILL.
434
00:15:18,233 --> 00:15:21,133
>> IT TOOK MY BREATH AWAY FOR A
435
00:15:21,133 --> 00:15:21,473
MINUTE.
436
00:15:21,467 --> 00:15:22,767
IT WAS A WONDERFUL SURPRISE.
437
00:15:22,767 --> 00:15:24,927
OUT OF THE BLUE.
438
00:15:24,933 --> 00:15:28,673
>> GREEN THEN DECIDED TO PAY FOR
439
00:15:28,667 --> 00:15:29,827
THE GUY BEHIND HIM.
440
00:15:29,833 --> 00:15:31,873
>> IF I SAW THAT GUY BEHIND ME I
441
00:15:31,867 --> 00:15:32,797
WOULD WAIT.
442
00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:35,230
NEVER THE LESS NICE GESTURES
443
00:15:35,233 --> 00:15:36,973
ARE CONTAGIOUS AND CAN MAKE THE
444
00:15:36,967 --> 00:15:40,327
WORLD A IS PLEASANT PLEASE.
445
00:15:40,333 --> 00:15:42,933
SADLY I FOUND OUT BEING UNKIND
446
00:15:42,933 --> 00:15:44,373
HAS A SIMILAR EFFECT.
447
00:15:44,367 --> 00:15:46,397
>> WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
448
00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:50,930
>> A RACIST CHRISTMAS TREE
449
00:15:50,933 --> 00:15:52,303
[LAUGHING]
450
00:15:52,300 --> 00:15:54,830
>> YOU WENT TO WORK IN THIS?
451
00:15:54,833 --> 00:15:55,833
>> YOU LOOK CUTE.
452
00:15:55,833 --> 00:15:57,773
>> I LOOK LIKE A STUPID LITTLE
453
00:15:57,767 --> 00:15:58,897
BOY.
454
00:15:58,900 --> 00:16:02,600
>> SORRY.
455
00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:04,430
>> I LOVE YOU, MITCHELL.
456
00:16:04,433 --> 00:16:06,273
>> I CAN'T DO THIS.
457
00:16:06,267 --> 00:16:08,367
THIS IS FUN BUT I WAS JUST DOING
458
00:16:08,367 --> 00:16:11,427
IT TO GET BACK AT MY HUSBAND.
459
00:16:11,433 --> 00:16:13,403
HE'S FROM ALABAMA AND IT WOULD
460
00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:15,300
REALLY UPSET HIM.
461
00:16:15,300 --> 00:16:17,430
BESIDES WE HAVE A CHILD
462
00:16:17,433 --> 00:16:17,803
TOGETHER.
463
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:19,500
>> BESIDES WE HAVE A CHILD
464
00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:19,870
TOGETHER.
465
00:16:19,867 --> 00:16:21,097
WE HAVE A CHILD TOGETHER.
466
00:16:21,100 --> 00:16:25,970
>> I LOVE YOU, MICHELLE.
467
00:16:25,967 --> 00:16:27,367
>> CAN I HELP YOU?
468
00:16:27,367 --> 00:16:28,967
>> I WOULD LIKE SOME CHOCOLATE
469
00:16:28,967 --> 00:16:29,967
CHIP COOKIES.
470
00:16:29,967 --> 00:16:31,467
>> SORRY WE'RE ALL OUT.
471
00:16:31,467 --> 00:16:34,267
OUR BAKER HAD TO LEAVE EARLY HIS
472
00:16:34,267 --> 00:16:36,067
DAUGHTER GOT BLOWN UP AT DAY
473
00:16:36,067 --> 00:16:36,627
CARE.
474
00:16:36,633 --> 00:16:38,133
>> I AM HAVING THE WORST DAY
475
00:16:38,133 --> 00:16:39,173
EVER.
476
00:16:39,167 --> 00:16:41,567
ALL I WANTED WAS TWO COOKIES.
477
00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:42,397
>> A MUFFIN.
478
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,600
>> I DON'T WANT A MUFFIN.
479
00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:46,770
>> WHAT DID WE LEARN FROM THIS?
480
00:16:46,767 --> 00:16:48,897
IF THE PEOPLE WHO WORKED ON THIS
481
00:16:48,900 --> 00:16:50,500
SHOW HAD FASHION SENSE THE
482
00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:52,830
BABIES WOULD BE ALIEVE AND I
483
00:16:52,833 --> 00:16:56,333
WOULD HAVE SOME GODDAMN COOKIES.
484
00:16:56,333 --> 00:17:01,303
DON'T FORGET TO UPDATE ON OUR
485
00:17:01,300 --> 00:17:02,900
BLOG TO BE A CHANCE AT OUR
486
00:17:02,900 --> 00:17:03,530
VIEWER VIDEO.
487
00:17:03,533 --> 00:17:09,473
THIS COMES FROM --
488
00:17:09,467 --> 00:17:10,197
[BEEP]
489
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:10,870
[BEEP]
490
00:17:10,867 --> 00:17:12,067
[BEEP]
491
00:17:12,067 --> 00:17:15,597
[BEEP]
492
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:17,130
>> THAT'S A LOT TO TAKE IN.
493
00:17:17,133 --> 00:17:19,433
WHAT HE SAID IS I POOPED ON MY
494
00:17:19,433 --> 00:17:21,533
PENIS BUT WITH MUCH DIRTIER
495
00:17:21,533 --> 00:17:21,873
WORDS.
496
00:17:21,867 --> 00:17:23,367
LET'S SEE IT ONE MORE TIME SO
497
00:17:23,367 --> 00:17:26,067
YOU CAN APPRECIATE ALL THE
498
00:17:26,067 --> 00:17:30,467
SUBTLETIES.
499
00:17:30,467 --> 00:17:31,897
>> NOTHING [BEEP]
500
00:17:31,900 --> 00:17:33,930
>> I [BEEP] MY OWN [BEEP]
501
00:17:33,933 --> 00:17:36,073
>> YOU [BEEP] ON YOUR OWN [BEEP]
502
00:17:36,067 --> 00:17:40,067
>> I [BEEP] ON MY [BEEP]
503
00:17:40,067 --> 00:17:42,127
>> THE ONLY PROBLEM I HAVE WITH
504
00:17:42,133 --> 00:17:47,103
THAT VIDEO IS THE NAME OF THEIR
505
00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:48,470
DUMB SKETCH CREW.
506
00:17:48,467 --> 00:17:50,527
CAN YOU KNOCK IT OFF WITH YOUR
507
00:17:50,533 --> 00:17:58,503
STUPID COMEDY NAMES.
508
00:17:58,500 --> 00:18:01,370
>> WELCOME BACK BUCKAS.
509
00:18:01,367 --> 00:18:04,097
IF EVERYONE IN HERE CAN KEEP
510
00:18:04,100 --> 00:18:06,670
THEIR TRAP SHUT YOU WILL RECEIVE
511
00:18:06,667 --> 00:18:07,797
FRO TATTOOS.
512
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:11,500
NEXT WEEK THIS MAGICIAN GETS A
513
00:18:11,500 --> 00:18:15,900
WEB REDEMPTION.
514
00:18:15,900 --> 00:18:18,670
>> TADA, HIS ARM DISAPPEARED.
515
00:18:18,667 --> 00:18:20,697
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER TO LIVE
516
00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:22,530
CHAT DURING THE SHOWS.
517
00:18:22,533 --> 00:18:24,603
KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG AND COME
518
00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:26,900
SEE ME ON TOUR OVER THE
519
00:18:26,900 --> 00:18:27,300
HOLIDAYS.
520
00:18:27,300 --> 00:18:29,370
SOMETIMES IN THE OFFICE WE SAY
521
00:18:29,367 --> 00:18:31,497
RANDOM THINGS I THINK ARE SO
522
00:18:31,500 --> 00:18:32,830
HYSTERICAL AND NEVER MAKE IT
523
00:18:32,833 --> 00:18:33,433
INTO THE SHOW.
524
00:18:33,433 --> 00:18:35,773
WE SAVE THEM FOR THE GEM FILE.
525
00:18:35,767 --> 00:18:38,167
THE REALITY IS WE HAVEN'T USED A
526
00:18:38,167 --> 00:18:39,067
SINGLE ONE.
527
00:18:39,067 --> 00:18:40,427
LET'S READ THEM ALL NOW.
528
00:18:40,433 --> 00:18:42,833
BLACK GUYS FROM OTHER COUNTRIES
529
00:18:42,833 --> 00:18:44,103
AREN'T REALLY BLACK GUYS.
530
00:18:44,100 --> 00:18:45,700
TRUE.
531
00:18:45,700 --> 00:18:48,300
>> I DON'T KNOW WHY IT'S TRUE.
532
00:18:48,300 --> 00:18:51,800
THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT IT IT'S
533
00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:53,400
LIKE ROB SCHNEIDER INTRODUCING
534
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:54,630
HIM AS A COMEDIAN.
535
00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:57,473
NO YOU'RE ADAM SANDLER'S FRIEND.
536
00:18:57,467 --> 00:19:01,867
>> WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL --
537
00:19:01,867 --> 00:19:03,927
CAME UP WITH A CERTAIN LENGTH OF
538
00:19:03,933 --> 00:19:05,833
NAILS WHICH MEANS THEY HAD OVER
539
00:19:05,833 --> 00:19:07,533
SHOT IT AT ONE POINT.
540
00:19:07,533 --> 00:19:08,073
[LAUGHING]
541
00:19:08,067 --> 00:19:11,127
>> THE TV SHOW SLEDGE HAMMER
542
00:19:11,133 --> 00:19:12,703
EXAMPLE NOT SINCE I WATCHED THE
543
00:19:12,700 --> 00:19:15,730
SHOW SLEDGE HAMMER HAVE I SEEN A
544
00:19:15,733 --> 00:19:16,873
NEGOTIATION GO SO BADLY.
545
00:19:16,867 --> 00:19:19,697
CAN YOU IMAGINE BEING A SLEDGE
546
00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:21,330
HAMMER FAN AND THAT CAME ON.
547
00:19:21,333 --> 00:19:23,373
MOM, COME IN THE SLEDGE HAMMER
548
00:19:23,367 --> 00:19:24,967
JOKE IT WAS ON FOR ONE AND A
549
00:19:24,967 --> 00:19:27,367
HALF SEASON IN LIKE 88.
550
00:19:27,367 --> 00:19:30,467
A WOMAN'S VAGINA A VENT.
551
00:19:30,467 --> 00:19:32,927
WE ALWAYS GOT TO KEEP S&P ON
552
00:19:32,933 --> 00:19:33,903
THEIR TOES.
553
00:19:33,900 --> 00:19:35,230
WE HAVE TO COME UP WITH THINGS
554
00:19:35,233 --> 00:19:38,073
TO CALL THE VAGINA.
555
00:19:38,067 --> 00:19:41,667
SO THAT WE DON'T GET BLEEPED.
556
00:19:41,667 --> 00:19:44,067
JOEY ADAMS HAS DONE MORE FOR
557
00:19:44,067 --> 00:19:46,427
FLAT CHESTED WOMAN IN AMERICA.
558
00:19:46,433 --> 00:19:47,633
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE REST OF
559
00:19:47,633 --> 00:19:49,233
THE JOKE WOULD BE BUT THE FIRST
560
00:19:49,233 --> 00:19:50,773
PART IS SO SOLID.
561
00:19:50,767 --> 00:19:52,897
LIKE FOR AWHILE I WAS LIKE NO I
562
00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:54,630
WOULD TOTALLY DATE A FLAT
563
00:19:54,633 --> 00:19:55,733
CHESTED GIRL.
564
00:19:55,733 --> 00:19:58,403
THEN THE MOVIES RAN THEIR COURSE
565
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,400
AND EVERYBODY -- KNOCK IT OFF.
566
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,570
GIVE ME SOME TITTIES.
567
00:20:02,567 --> 00:20:04,427
THE KIND OF PEOPLE WHO GET
568
00:20:04,433 --> 00:20:06,133
MEXICAN FAST FOOD FOR HERE ARE
569
00:20:06,133 --> 00:20:07,603
THE KIND OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T
570
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:09,870
MIND GETTING CAUGHT UP IN A HATE
571
00:20:09,867 --> 00:20:10,297
FIGHT.
572
00:20:10,300 --> 00:20:12,130
I HAVE A FEELING THE VIDEO
573
00:20:12,133 --> 00:20:14,303
THAT'S MEANT FOR IS EXTREMELY
574
00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:14,630
RACIST.
575
00:20:14,633 --> 00:20:17,403
LIKE YOUR GRADUATE IN NUTRITION
576
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:18,900
THEY'RE BOTH MEANING LESS PIECES
577
00:20:18,900 --> 00:20:19,430
OF [BEEP].
578
00:20:19,433 --> 00:20:20,833
THAT WAS ABOUT SOMEONE VERY
579
00:20:20,833 --> 00:20:21,873
CLOSE TO ME.
580
00:20:21,867 --> 00:20:24,097
TOSHING IT OUT THERE.
581
00:20:24,100 --> 00:20:25,130
[LAUGHING]
582
00:20:25,133 --> 00:20:27,633
>> WHY ARE YOU NOT USING THAT IN
583
00:20:27,633 --> 00:20:29,103
YOUR LIFE.
584
00:20:29,100 --> 00:20:31,600
JUST TOSHING IT OUT.
585
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:33,300
THERE THAT WAS THREE YEARS WORTH
586
00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:35,400
OF SOLID MATERIAL.
587
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,200
ENJOY YOUR CORN DOGS, GOOD
588
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:39,700
NIGHT.
589
00:20:47,500 --> 00:20:49,300
>> ARE YOU A MAMA'S BOY.
590
00:20:49,300 --> 00:20:50,300
>> I LOVE HER.
591
00:20:50,300 --> 00:20:51,700
I TRY TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE
592
00:20:51,700 --> 00:20:54,130
AND GET ON WITH MY LIFE SO I CAN
593
00:20:54,133 --> 00:20:55,173
FOCUS AND BE A MAN.
36330
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