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[LAUGHTER]
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HEY!
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WHOA!
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[APPLAUSE]
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AT LEAST THE FAN WILL HELP
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DRY THE BLOOD.
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TONIGHT BRAD THE ACTOR GETS A
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WEB REDEMPTION, AND I TRACK DOWN
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A MISSED CONNECTION.
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NOW LET'S GO BACK AND SEE WHAT
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HAPPENS WHEN YOUR ONLY CONCERN
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IS HOW YOUR OUTFIT LOOKS.
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RIGHT IN HER MOUTH.
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THAT CEILING FAN GOT TO DO WHAT
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EVERYONE WANTED TO.
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I HOPE THIS NEXT DOOR DOESN'T
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CUT IT OFF.
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>> I DIDN'T CUT IT OFF GUYS.
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COME ON.
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MY PENIS DOESN'T HAVE A BONE IN
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IT EITHER.
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>> IT'S PROBABLY THE MOST
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AMAZING PENIS IN THE ALAMO
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WORLD.
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>> I DON'T SEE SHE'S SEEN ENOUGH
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PENIS TO BE AN AUTHORITY ON
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THAT.
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>> THAT IS THE MOST DELICIOUS
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PART OF THE WHALE.
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ASK ANY ESKIMO.
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AND ATTACHED TO THE KING IDIOT'S
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UNDERWEAR WHO'S GOING TO JUMP
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OFF THE GOALPOST, AND LAND NUTS
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FIRST.
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WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
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AND THE SEARCH FOR CLEAN
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RENEWABLE ENERGY CONTINUES.
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>> STILL LESS PAINFUL THAN
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WATCHING THE COWBOYS.
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NICE 9/11 TRIBUTE YOU GUYS.
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NEVER FORGET.
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SHOCKING THAT THE GUY WITH THE
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PRINCE TATTOO ON HIS ARM IS
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CRYING LIKE A PUSSY.
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THE ONLY THING DUMBER THAN
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GETTING A TATTOO IS GETTING IT
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REMOVED.
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OKAY.
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I LIKE TO TIDY UP BEFORE MY
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IN-HOME MEDICAL PROCEDURES.
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IS THAT KNIFE EVEN CLEAN?
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LOOKS LIKE TOAST?
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I'M NOT GONNA EAT IT UNTIL YOU
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SCRAPE OFF THE BURNT PART.
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I'M NOT SURE THAT WAS
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CONSENSUAL.
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IS THAT FREAK WEARING A
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POLKA-DOTTED THONG?
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WHAT'S A LADY GOTTA DO TO HAIL A
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CAB?
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PREPARATION H HAS A BOLD NEW
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VIRAL MARKETING CAMPAIGN.
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MAYBE SHE NEEDS TOILET PAPER.
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ENJOY THE FREE SAMPLES, GUYS.
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TOMORROW THOSE ARE GONNA COST
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YOU THREE BUCKS A POP.
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YEA, SORRY I'M LATE, HONEY, I
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HIT EVERY BROWN LIGHT ON THE WAY
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HOME.
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THAT GIRL LOOKS SO FAMILIAR.
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WHERE DO I KNOW HER FROM?
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IT'S LIKE MERP'S FUNNIEST
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VIDEOS.
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>> RACHEL WHAT DO YOU THINK.
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THAT FELT LIKE A YES.
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WANNA KNOW HOW AWKWARD IT WAS TO
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SHOOT THAT?
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NOT AS AWKWARD AS IT WAS TO CAST
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FOR IT.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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>> SPEAKING SPANISH.
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FINALLY SOMETHING EXCITING ON
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C-SPAN 2!
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ALL IN FAVOR OF THIS WEEK'S
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BREAKDOWN?
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AUDIENCE: AYE...
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DANIEL: THE "AYES" HAVE IT.
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THAT'S THE ROMANIAN PRIME
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MINISTER ADDRESSING PARLIAMENT,
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AND IF I KNEW ONE THING ABOUT
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ROMANIA, I WOULD TOTALLY MAKE A
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JOKE RIGHT NOW.
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I'M ALWAYS SURPRISED WHEN OTHER
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COUNTRIES HAVE TOILETS LET ALONE
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GOVERNMENTS.
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OH... HE MUST BE DECIDING WHICH
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DATE ON THE CALENDAR SHOULD BE
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GHEORGE MURESAN DAY.
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[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
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ALL RIGHT, THAT GUY IS NOT
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SUPPOSED TO BE UP THERE.
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"SIR, IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO
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SAY, PLEASE FOLLOW PROPER
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PARLIAMENTARY PROCEDURE."
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WE GOT A JUMPER!
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TEXTBOOK SWAN DIVE.
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DOES EVERYONE IN ROMANIA GET
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OLYMPIC TRAINING?
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PRETTY SURE THIS MEANS THE
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MEETING IS ADJOURNED.
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USUALLY WE JUST BANG THE GAVEL.
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TRUST FALL!
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THE GENTLEMAN FROM TRANSYLVANIA
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NOW HAS THE FLOOR.
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FIFTEEN FEET ISN'T A SUICIDE
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ATTEMPT -- IT'S A CRY FOR HELP,
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AND MAYBE A RUPTURED SPLEEN.
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TOO BAD THEY DIDN'T PASS THAT
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HEALTH CARE BILL BEFORE HE DID
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IT.
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YES.
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HOW ABOUT A LITTLE BIPARTISAN
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EFFORT TO HELP THE GUY?
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INSTEAD, THOSE GYPSIES SHOW
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THEIR TRUE COLORS AND DIG
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THROUGH HIS POCKETS.
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HE'S ONLY CRYING BECAUSE HE
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NEEDED THAT VOTE.
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I'M JUST GLAD I FOUND THE ONE
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POLITICAL VIDEO "THE DAILY SHOW"
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DOESN'T HAVE THE JOURNALISTIC
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INTEGRITY TO AIR, AND FOR THAT,
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WE THANK YOU.
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BRAD
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THE ACTOR'S WEB REDEMPTION, BUT
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FIRST...
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...BEFORE THE AMERICAN
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COMMERCIALS, LET'S WATCH A
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JAPANESE COMMERCIAL.
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SOMEONE NEEDS TO FIRE THEIR
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PUBLICIST.
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* *
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*
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I'M BRAD I'M A NONUNION ACTOR.
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>> HE HAS THE PERFECT
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COMBINATION OF HUMOR, AND
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WITTINESS, AND HE'LL HAVE ME
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LAUGHING WITH HIM FOR THE FIRST
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FIVE MINUTES.
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THIS SHOE IS TOSSED.
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>> THAT MEANS SHAVE ME.
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I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU.
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NIKE A BIT OF AN ATTITUDE.
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I KEEP WAKING UP IN THE NIGHT
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ALL DRENCHED IN SWEAT.
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YESTERDAY I PUT MY FIST THROUGH
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THE WINDOW AND SHATTERED INTO
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PIECES.
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MY MOM IS DEAF.
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SHE'S DEAD.
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NAILED IT!
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HE BUYS HIS SHIRTS IN THE BABY
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SHOULDERS SECTION.
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THAT ENERGETIC UP-AND-COMER IS
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BRAD AND HE'S A TRIPLE THREAT --
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HE ACTS, HE MODELS, HE'S
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DELUSIONAL.
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HE AIMED FOR THE STARS AND
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LANDED ON MY SHOW INSTEAD.
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IT'S HARD TO TAKE ACTORS
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SERIOUSLY WHEN YOUR RESUME IS A
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PICTURE.
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IF YOU HAVEN'T MADE IT IN THE
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FIRST SIX MONTHS, PLEASE QUIT
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AND GET A REAL JOB SO WE CAN
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PULL THIS ECONOMY OUT OF THE
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CRAPPER.
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FAME ISN'T AS EASY AS I MAKE IT
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LOOK.
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SOME HAVE TO DANCE LIKE A SLUT
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ON THE TOP OF A FIAT... TO STAY
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RELEVANT.
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YEA, I'D LOVE TO SELL OUT BUT
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THEY DON'T LET YOU DO PROACTIV
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COMMERCIALS...
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...WHEN YOU HAVE PERFECT SKIN.
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CELEBRITIES, PLEASE STOP TRYING
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TO EXPAND YOUR BRAND.
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WE ALL LOVE... JUSTIN BIEBER'S
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MUSIC, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE
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WANT TO SMELL LIKE STUPID
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HAIRCUTS AND USHER'S BALLS.
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I'M GLAD... SEAN PENN IS HANGING
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OUT IN COUNTRIES THAT AREN'T UP
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TO CODE, I JUST DON'T WANT TO
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HEAR ABOUT IT.
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YOU KNOW WHO'S REALLY
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DOWNTRODDEN?
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EVERYONE WHO PAID TO SEE THE
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TREE OF LIFE.
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YOU WON'T SEE ME TRYING TO
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BRANCH OUT, I KNOW MY PLACE, AND
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IT'S RIGHT HERE HOSTING THIS
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SHOW... AND EXECUTIVE
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PRODUCING MY
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NEW ANIMATED SERIES COMING SOON.
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BRAD MAY HAVE BEEN A LITTLE
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ROUGH AROUND THE EDGES, BUT I
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RECOGNIZE RAW TALENT WHEN I SEE
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IT.
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THAT'S WHY I FLEW HIM BACK TO
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TINSELTOWN FOR ANOTHER SHOT AT
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STARDOM IN THIS WEEK'S WEB
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REDEMPTION.
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HI DANIEL.
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WHAT'S UP.
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>> BEING HONORED THE BIGGEST
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HONOR A CELEBRITY COULD RECEIVE.
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>> WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
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>> GET OUT OF HERE.
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>> SORRY.
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>> GET OUT OF HERE.
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FOR GET THAT GUY.
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HE DOESN'T APPRECIATE THE IMPACT
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I'VE HAD ON THE COMEDY
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COMMUNITY.
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>> AND I'M INTERESTED.
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>> WELL YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO
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TAKE OFF YOUR PABTS.
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>> LET'S GO.
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WELCOME TO THE CHURCH.
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CAN I GET OVERLORD XENU.
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>> YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH THE
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STARS THAT COME OUT OF THIS
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CHURCH.
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>> BUT FIRST IF I CAN GET YOU TO
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PUT YOUR LEFT HAND ON OUR BIBLE.
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THAT'S ENOUGH.
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>> HOLD ON TO THOSE.
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>> THAT'S JUST A LITTLE JOKE WE
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HERE AT THE CULT DO.
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>> TELL ME EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT
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VIDEO.
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>> IT WAS LIKE AN ACTING REEL
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OBVIOUSLY.
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>> I WAS REALLY TRYING TO LAND
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LIKE A JOB BUT I KIND TOOK ON A
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LIFE OF ITS OWN.
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>> WHAT DID YOUR FRIENDS THINK
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OF VIDEO.
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ONCE I GOT TO 100,000 VIEWS.
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>> WERE YOU STARTING TO GET
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NERVOUS.
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>> YEAH.
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>> HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO GET
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THE VIDEO TAKEN DOWN.
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>> AFTER A WHILE YOU SORT OF
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ROLL WITH IT.
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I DID A NCAA TO BLEND IN.
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>> YOU LEARNED SOMETHING ABOUT
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SOMEONE.
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YOU GREW INTO YOUR NECK.
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DO YOU HAVE A SPEECH IMPEDIMENT.
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I WOULD SAY IT'S MORE OF A
265
00:10:41,733 --> 00:10:42,703
SPEECH ACCENT THAN A SPEECH
266
00:10:42,700 --> 00:10:51,300
IMPEDIMENT.
267
00:10:51,300 --> 00:10:52,570
>> AND HOW DO YOU SAY DEAD.
268
00:10:52,567 --> 00:10:54,527
>> MY MOM IS DEAD.
269
00:10:54,533 --> 00:10:55,133
>> DEAD.
270
00:10:55,133 --> 00:10:56,603
>> DEAD.
271
00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:57,900
DEAD.
272
00:10:57,900 --> 00:10:58,430
>> DEAD.
273
00:10:58,433 --> 00:11:01,773
>> SWEAT.
274
00:11:01,767 --> 00:11:04,697
SWAT.
275
00:11:04,700 --> 00:11:06,070
>> SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND
276
00:11:06,067 --> 00:11:06,567
IN A BRITISH ACCENT.
277
00:11:06,567 --> 00:11:10,097
SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND.
278
00:11:10,100 --> 00:11:10,770
NOW AS A BLACK GUY.
279
00:11:10,767 --> 00:11:11,667
>> SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE
280
00:11:11,667 --> 00:11:14,567
FREBED.
281
00:11:14,567 --> 00:11:16,397
>> OKAY.
282
00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:17,600
HOW ABOUT A NEW ENGLANDER.
283
00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:18,200
>> HOW DO YOU KNOW A NEW
284
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:21,400
ENGLANDER.
285
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:22,500
>> I ASSUME IT HAS THE N WORD IN
286
00:11:22,500 --> 00:11:23,670
IT.
287
00:11:23,667 --> 00:11:26,767
MY FAVORITE ACTOR IS VINCE
288
00:11:26,767 --> 00:11:27,467
VAUGHN.
289
00:11:27,467 --> 00:11:31,667
HE'S SO GOOD.
290
00:11:31,667 --> 00:11:33,767
>> DID YOU SEE COUPLES.
291
00:11:33,767 --> 00:11:35,327
>> YOU ARE EMBARRASSED FOR HIM.
292
00:11:35,333 --> 00:11:36,133
>> HE'S NEVER APOLOGIZED FOR
293
00:11:36,133 --> 00:11:36,703
THAT.
294
00:11:36,700 --> 00:11:38,130
>> DID NIKE SEND YOU A BUNCH OF
295
00:11:38,133 --> 00:11:38,973
FREE STUFF FOR ALL OF THAT
296
00:11:38,967 --> 00:11:39,967
>>> I WISH.
297
00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:43,397
>> WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO OUT TO
298
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:46,370
DINNER WITH ME.
299
00:11:46,367 --> 00:11:50,827
>> SURE.
300
00:11:50,833 --> 00:11:52,233
LOOKED LIKES YOU PASSED YOUR
301
00:11:52,233 --> 00:11:56,833
STRESS TEST WITH FLYING COLORS.
302
00:11:56,833 --> 00:11:58,103
YOU NEED TO JOIN THIS CHURCH.
303
00:11:58,100 --> 00:11:58,930
AND TO JOIN THIS CHURCH WE NEED
304
00:11:58,933 --> 00:11:59,533
YOUR MONEY.
305
00:11:59,533 --> 00:12:04,633
GIVE ME $10,000.
306
00:12:04,633 --> 00:12:05,873
>> THE YOU HAD IT ALREADY FILLED
307
00:12:05,867 --> 00:12:09,197
OUT.
308
00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:10,230
THIS WILL GO A LONG WAY TO
309
00:12:10,233 --> 00:12:10,903
MAKING YOUR REEL.
310
00:12:10,900 --> 00:12:12,130
>> THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW IF
311
00:12:12,133 --> 00:12:12,833
YOU'RE READY TO TAKE ANOTHER
312
00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:15,933
SHOT.
313
00:12:15,933 --> 00:12:18,603
>> ABSOLUTELY.
314
00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:34,830
>> MY MOM IS DEAD.
315
00:12:34,833 --> 00:12:36,233
>> EVERYBODY KNOWS THESE SHOE
316
00:12:36,233 --> 00:12:37,433
ARE FREAKING AWESOME.
317
00:12:37,433 --> 00:12:38,603
WHAT ABOUT HOW THEY'RE MADE BY
318
00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:40,130
POVERTY-STRICKEN CHILD SLAVES.
319
00:12:40,133 --> 00:12:41,173
THAT'S WHAT GIVES THEM THE BIT
320
00:12:41,167 --> 00:12:49,227
OF AN ATTITUDE.
321
00:12:49,233 --> 00:12:53,933
>> THERE YOU GO.
322
00:12:53,933 --> 00:13:00,803
>> LET'S GET SOME WIND.
323
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:07,500
>> DOESN'T THAT FEEL SAFE?
324
00:13:07,500 --> 00:13:08,470
I KEEP WAKING UP IN THE MIDDLE
325
00:13:08,467 --> 00:13:10,197
OF THE NIGHT ALL DRENCHED IN
326
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:14,500
SWAT.
327
00:13:14,500 --> 00:13:15,400
YESTERDAY I PUT MY FIST THROUGH
328
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:16,500
THE WINDOW AND SHATTERED IT INTO
329
00:13:16,500 --> 00:13:16,830
PIECES.
330
00:13:16,833 --> 00:13:19,103
MY MOM IS DODD.
331
00:13:19,100 --> 00:13:22,700
MY MOM IS DAD.
332
00:13:22,700 --> 00:13:23,600
>> YES BRAD WE TALKED ABOUT IT.
333
00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:29,870
I USED TO BE YOUR MOM.
334
00:13:29,867 --> 00:13:30,867
NOW I'M YOUR DAD.
335
00:13:30,867 --> 00:13:31,327
YOUR MOM IS DAD.
336
00:13:31,333 --> 00:13:32,103
I GOT AN OPERATION, AND
337
00:13:32,100 --> 00:13:33,830
EVERYTHING.
338
00:13:33,833 --> 00:13:39,833
>> MY MOM IS DAD.
339
00:13:39,833 --> 00:13:43,873
>> I AM NOT GOING TO SAY WHAT
340
00:13:43,867 --> 00:13:45,067
FAMOUS TRANSGENDER TURNED US
341
00:13:45,067 --> 00:13:46,067
DOWN FOR THAT BIT, BUT I WILL
342
00:13:46,067 --> 00:13:47,267
SAY HE IS CURRENTLY DANCING WITH
343
00:13:47,267 --> 00:13:47,967
THE STARS... AND NO, IT'S NOT
344
00:13:47,967 --> 00:13:52,797
DAVID ARQUETTE.
345
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:53,300
WE'LL BE RIGHT
346
00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:53,970
BACK, BUT FIRST...
347
00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:54,697
...IT'S OUR SECURITY GUARD
348
00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:55,370
EVERETT'S BLACK CLIP OF THE
349
00:13:55,367 --> 00:14:16,797
WEEK.
350
00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:17,700
>> CUTE BOY IN THE ELEVATOR.
351
00:14:17,700 --> 00:14:19,130
WE EXCHANGED SMILES.
352
00:14:19,133 --> 00:14:20,933
SO HANDSOME.
353
00:14:20,933 --> 00:14:25,433
REPLY WHAT I WAS WEARING.
354
00:14:25,433 --> 00:14:26,433
I HAD A HEARING TEST DONE BY
355
00:14:26,433 --> 00:14:26,933
YOU.
356
00:14:26,933 --> 00:14:27,933
YOU WERE WEARING A WHITE
357
00:14:27,933 --> 00:14:28,633
UNDERSHIRT, AND WHITE BLOUSE.
358
00:14:28,633 --> 00:14:29,403
I COULDN'T STOP STARING AT YOUR
359
00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:36,100
BIG AND BEAUTIFUL BOOBS.
360
00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:39,130
WE WERE BOTH DOING LAUNDRY
361
00:14:39,133 --> 00:14:40,173
MONDAY NIGHT, AND FREE CALLING.
362
00:14:40,167 --> 00:14:40,827
I HAD ON GYM SHORTS FREE
363
00:14:40,833 --> 00:14:44,833
BALLING.
364
00:14:44,833 --> 00:14:45,633
I SHOULD HAVE HIT YOU UP.
365
00:14:45,633 --> 00:14:50,073
LET'S GET NAKED DUDE.
366
00:14:50,067 --> 00:14:51,397
THOSE ARE MISSED CONNECTIONS.
367
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:52,070
THAT'S WHEN YOU POST ABOUT A
368
00:14:52,067 --> 00:14:52,797
MOMENT YOU HAD WITH A STRANGER,
369
00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:53,670
AND HOPE THAT THEY'RE CREEPY
370
00:14:53,667 --> 00:14:54,567
ENOUGH TO BE CHECKING FOR YOU
371
00:14:54,567 --> 00:14:54,827
TOO.
372
00:14:54,833 --> 00:14:56,203
I RECENTLY HAD MY OWN MISSED
373
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:56,970
CONNECTION ON A ROAD TRIP.
374
00:14:56,967 --> 00:14:57,927
I STOPPED AT A BBQ JOINT IN
375
00:14:57,933 --> 00:14:58,803
BLYTHE, CALIFORNIA, FOUR HOURS
376
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:02,870
OUTSIDE OF L.A.
377
00:15:02,867 --> 00:15:04,097
THERE WAS A BEAUTIFUL GIRL
378
00:15:04,100 --> 00:15:04,530
WORKING THERE.
379
00:15:04,533 --> 00:15:05,173
NOTHING HAPPENED AND I'VE
380
00:15:05,167 --> 00:15:18,697
REGRETTED IT EVER SINCE.
381
00:15:18,700 --> 00:15:19,930
I DECIDED TO USE THE POWER OF MY
382
00:15:19,933 --> 00:15:21,733
TELEVISION SHOW TO SEE IF THERE
383
00:15:21,733 --> 00:15:22,473
WAS REALLY ANYTHING BETWEEN US.
384
00:15:22,467 --> 00:15:23,167
SO PLEASE WELCOME, FOR A VERY
385
00:15:23,167 --> 00:15:23,827
AWKWARD LIVE SKYPE, THE HOT
386
00:15:23,833 --> 00:15:24,573
CASHIER FROM REBEL BBQ, ASHLEY.
387
00:15:24,567 --> 00:15:25,297
HI ASHLEY, IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU
388
00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:25,600
AGAIN.
389
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:26,070
HOW ARE YOU?
390
00:15:26,067 --> 00:15:26,367
I'M GOOD.
391
00:15:26,367 --> 00:15:26,767
HOW ARE YOU?
392
00:15:26,767 --> 00:15:29,797
I AM ROCK HARD.
393
00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:30,900
FIRST THINGS FIRST, LET'S GET
394
00:15:30,900 --> 00:15:31,700
THIS OUT OF THE
395
00:15:31,700 --> 00:15:32,230
WAY... HOW OLD ARE
396
00:15:32,233 --> 00:15:32,503
YOU?
397
00:15:32,500 --> 00:15:33,070
I'M 18 YEARS OLD.
398
00:15:33,067 --> 00:15:34,067
MY LUCKY NUMBER.
399
00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:36,797
YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHAT
400
00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:37,570
THIS IS ALL ABOUT.
401
00:15:37,567 --> 00:15:39,067
DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER WHEN I CAME
402
00:15:39,067 --> 00:15:39,767
INTO YOUR RESTAURANT A FEW WEEKS
403
00:15:39,767 --> 00:15:40,067
AGO?
404
00:15:40,067 --> 00:15:42,727
YES, I DO.
405
00:15:42,733 --> 00:15:43,933
YOU HAD A HAT ON.
406
00:15:43,933 --> 00:15:44,673
SO, THAT WAS A MAGICAL NIGHT FOR
407
00:15:44,667 --> 00:15:47,597
BOTH OF US.
408
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:48,500
DID YOU THINK WE HAD GOOD
409
00:15:48,500 --> 00:15:49,130
CHEMISTRY?
410
00:15:49,133 --> 00:15:50,203
UH, THERE WAS A LOT OF PEOPLE IN
411
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:57,070
HERE THAT NIGHT.
412
00:15:57,067 --> 00:15:57,627
SO... COULD BE.
413
00:15:57,633 --> 00:15:58,633
JUST TELL US EVERYTHING YOU
414
00:15:58,633 --> 00:15:59,273
REMEMBER FROM THAT NIGHT.
415
00:15:59,267 --> 00:16:01,497
I SAW A CADILLAC PULL UP OUTSIDE
416
00:16:01,500 --> 00:16:03,170
THE DOOR, AND I KNEW THAT WASN'T
417
00:16:03,167 --> 00:16:04,167
FROM BLYTHE BECAUSE BLYTHE
418
00:16:04,167 --> 00:16:09,397
DOESN'T HAVE CADILLACS, IN THIS
419
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:10,570
TOWN.
420
00:16:10,567 --> 00:16:11,567
AND THEN WHAT REALLY GOT ME TO
421
00:16:11,567 --> 00:16:12,767
THINKING WAS I SAW A LITTLE GUY,
422
00:16:12,767 --> 00:16:13,527
A LITTLE MAN, AND, YOU DON'T SEE
423
00:16:13,533 --> 00:16:17,473
THOSE IN BLYTHE EITHER.
424
00:16:17,467 --> 00:16:17,897
OKAY.
425
00:16:17,900 --> 00:16:18,430
ALL RIGHT.
426
00:16:18,433 --> 00:16:19,473
LET ME CUT YOU OFF BEFORE YOU
427
00:16:19,467 --> 00:16:20,397
SAY SOMETHING RACIST AND TELL ME
428
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:21,170
WHAT ELSE BLYTHE DOESN'T WANT IN
429
00:16:21,167 --> 00:16:22,767
THEIR TOWN.
430
00:16:22,767 --> 00:16:23,627
WHAT WOULD YOU GUESS IS MY
431
00:16:23,633 --> 00:16:24,373
FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOU?
432
00:16:24,367 --> 00:16:25,127
PROBABLY THAT I DIDN'T KNOW WHO
433
00:16:25,133 --> 00:16:25,573
YOU WERE.
434
00:16:25,567 --> 00:16:27,627
NO, IT'S YOUR BOOBS.
435
00:16:27,633 --> 00:16:34,333
OH.
436
00:16:34,333 --> 00:16:35,273
AM I THE BIGGEST CELEBRITY
437
00:16:35,267 --> 00:16:35,727
YOU'VE EVER MET?
438
00:16:35,733 --> 00:16:36,473
NO, I'VE ACTUALLY MET WAYNE
439
00:16:36,467 --> 00:16:42,067
BRADY.
440
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:43,697
SO... ALL RIGHT.
441
00:16:43,700 --> 00:16:44,370
I'M STILL THE BIGGEST WHITE
442
00:16:44,367 --> 00:16:44,727
CELEBRITY.
443
00:16:44,733 --> 00:16:45,573
HOW OFTEN DO CUSTOMERS HIT ON
444
00:16:45,567 --> 00:16:47,627
YOU?
445
00:16:47,633 --> 00:16:48,073
UH,
446
00:16:48,067 --> 00:16:48,467
YOU?
447
00:16:48,467 --> 00:16:49,327
UH, NOT VERY OFTEN.
448
00:16:49,333 --> 00:16:52,433
LIAR!
449
00:16:52,433 --> 00:16:55,503
SOUNDS LIKE YOUR BOSS DISAGREES.
450
00:16:55,500 --> 00:16:56,470
DOES THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF
451
00:16:56,467 --> 00:16:57,497
BLYTHE WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU?
452
00:16:57,500 --> 00:17:03,970
UM, I DON'T KNOW OF ANYBODY THAT
453
00:17:03,967 --> 00:17:05,197
WANTS TO SLEEP WITH ME, BUT UH
454
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:05,900
THE POPULATION HAS GOT TO BE
455
00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:07,670
PROBABLY ABOUT, I WOULD SAY 20,
456
00:17:07,667 --> 00:17:09,067
20,000 INCLUDING THE PRISON.
457
00:17:09,067 --> 00:17:10,567
NOT COUNTING PRISONERS, DO YOU
458
00:17:10,567 --> 00:17:14,567
HAVE A BOYFRIEND?
459
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:18,597
YES, I DO.
460
00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:19,500
BUT DOES HE OWN PROPERTY IN
461
00:17:19,500 --> 00:17:19,830
MALIBU?
462
00:17:19,833 --> 00:17:23,503
NO.
463
00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:24,500
POINT TOSH.
464
00:17:24,500 --> 00:17:25,200
WHAT IS THE PERCENTAGE OF THE
465
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:25,870
TWO OF US ACTUALLY GETTING
466
00:17:25,867 --> 00:17:26,327
MARRIED?
467
00:17:26,333 --> 00:17:30,403
WELL, I WOULD SAY ABOUT A ZERO
468
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:31,070
PERCENT CHANCE.
469
00:17:31,067 --> 00:17:31,867
ALL RIGHT, LOUD AND CLEAR.
470
00:17:31,867 --> 00:17:32,597
WE'LL KEEP THIS THING
471
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:36,130
COMPLETELY PHYSICAL.
472
00:17:36,133 --> 00:17:37,233
I'M SURE I'M HOLDING UP THE
473
00:17:37,233 --> 00:17:38,233
LINE, SO I'M GONNA PLACE AN
474
00:17:38,233 --> 00:17:38,873
ORDER FOR DELIVERY TO LOS
475
00:17:38,867 --> 00:17:43,267
ANGELES.
476
00:17:43,267 --> 00:17:44,867
WE DON'T DELIVER THAT FAR.
477
00:17:44,867 --> 00:17:45,597
I THINK YOU'LL MAKE AN EXCEPTION
478
00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:46,330
FOR ME BECAUSE I'M FAMOUS AND...
479
00:17:46,333 --> 00:17:48,873
...I SENT YOU A LIMOUSINE.
480
00:17:48,867 --> 00:17:49,697
SEE YOU IN FOUR HOURS.
481
00:17:49,700 --> 00:17:50,630
OKAY.
482
00:17:50,633 --> 00:17:51,633
THANKS, ASHLEY.
483
00:17:51,633 --> 00:17:55,573
I LOVE YOU.
484
00:17:55,567 --> 00:17:57,097
AH, SHE PROBABLY GOT CUT OFF
485
00:17:57,100 --> 00:17:57,770
BEFORE SHE COULD SAY "I LOVE
486
00:17:57,767 --> 00:18:00,067
YOU" BACK.
487
00:18:00,067 --> 00:18:01,827
A MEMBER OF OUR STAFF, LET'S
488
00:18:01,833 --> 00:18:03,073
CALL HIM ANDREW WANTUCK, HAD A
489
00:18:03,067 --> 00:18:03,867
MISSED CONNECTION OF HIS OWN.
490
00:18:03,867 --> 00:18:05,067
HE LOST HIS VIRGINITY TO A
491
00:18:05,067 --> 00:18:13,797
COMPLETE STRANGER.
492
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:14,970
IF YOU ARE A MUCH, MUCH, MUCH
493
00:18:14,967 --> 00:18:15,667
OLDER WOMAN NAMED KAREN, THAT
494
00:18:15,667 --> 00:18:16,367
HAD SEX WITH A 15-YEAR-OLD BOY
495
00:18:16,367 --> 00:18:17,067
ON THE BOW OF A CRUISE SHIP IN
496
00:18:17,067 --> 00:18:17,797
1994, PLEASE CONTACT OUR SHOW OR
497
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:18,430
TURN YOURSELF IN TO LOCAL
498
00:18:18,433 --> 00:18:23,673
AUTHORITIES.
499
00:18:23,667 --> 00:18:24,797
DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG
500
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:26,270
AND UPLOAD A CLIP FOR THE CHANCE
501
00:18:26,267 --> 00:18:26,867
TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO.
502
00:18:26,867 --> 00:18:27,567
THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US
503
00:18:27,567 --> 00:18:28,667
FROM RYAN SICKLER, AND GUESS
504
00:18:28,667 --> 00:18:29,367
WHAT, HE PARTNERED UP WITH JAY
505
00:18:29,367 --> 00:18:29,697
LARSON.
506
00:18:29,700 --> 00:18:33,230
[DOORBELL]
507
00:18:33,233 --> 00:18:35,333
>> WHAT'S UP MAN?
508
00:18:35,333 --> 00:18:37,073
>> I DIDN'T ORDER ANYTHING.
509
00:18:37,067 --> 00:18:38,767
YOU KNOW MAYBE MY COUSIN DID.
510
00:18:38,767 --> 00:18:42,067
HEY JAY.
511
00:18:42,067 --> 00:18:42,567
JAY, YEAH.
512
00:18:42,567 --> 00:18:43,367
>> DID YOU ORDER CHINESE.
513
00:18:43,367 --> 00:18:48,127
>> NO.
514
00:18:48,133 --> 00:18:48,573
HERE'S 25.
515
00:18:48,567 --> 00:18:49,197
KEEP IT.
516
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:54,500
>> IT SMELLS GOOD.
517
00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:55,070
AWESOME.
518
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:57,667
THANKS MAN.
519
00:18:57,667 --> 00:18:58,867
HAVE A GOOD DAY.
520
00:18:58,867 --> 00:19:01,827
WHY WAS THAT DOORBELL SLANTED?
521
00:19:01,833 --> 00:19:02,833
YEAH.
522
00:19:02,833 --> 00:19:04,073
THAT'S RACIST.
523
00:19:04,067 --> 00:19:05,867
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
524
00:19:05,867 --> 00:19:07,667
YOUR TIMES MAY VARY.
525
00:19:25,067 --> 00:19:26,827
WELCOME BACK TO TOSH.0.
526
00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:28,073
THIS IS THE FIRST EPISODE THAT
527
00:19:28,067 --> 00:19:28,667
I'VE EVER GONE COMPLETELY
528
00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:29,097
CAFFEINE FREE.
529
00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:29,870
OH, MAN!
530
00:19:29,867 --> 00:19:33,567
THESE MORMONS ARE CUCKOO!
531
00:19:33,567 --> 00:19:34,797
NEXT WEEK, THE SHROOM GUY GETS A
532
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:38,300
WEB REDEMPTION.
533
00:19:38,300 --> 00:19:38,830
>> HI.
534
00:19:38,833 --> 00:19:39,333
IT'S OKAY.
535
00:19:39,333 --> 00:19:40,333
IT'S OKAY.
536
00:19:40,333 --> 00:19:42,303
IT'S OKAY.
537
00:19:42,300 --> 00:19:43,330
I UNDERSTAND.
538
00:19:43,333 --> 00:19:45,503
YOU'VE GOT TO CALM DOWN.
539
00:19:45,500 --> 00:19:46,930
>> OH NO.
540
00:19:46,933 --> 00:19:47,803
YOU'RE GOING TO DIE THOUGH.
541
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:50,230
THIS IS GOING TO DIE THOUGH.
542
00:19:50,233 --> 00:19:51,333
>> REMEMBER YOUR MOM IS ALL
543
00:19:51,333 --> 00:19:51,833
WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
544
00:19:51,833 --> 00:19:52,373
WE CAN HELP YOU.
545
00:19:52,367 --> 00:19:57,867
MOM!
546
00:19:57,867 --> 00:19:59,067
HIS SCREAM IS WAY LESS ANNOYING
547
00:19:59,067 --> 00:19:59,667
THAN SETH ROGEN'S LAUGH.
548
00:19:59,667 --> 00:20:04,067
HEY.
549
00:20:04,067 --> 00:20:05,767
SO WE'RE CLEAR HERE, IT IS AN
550
00:20:05,767 --> 00:20:06,497
HONOR WHEN I MAKE FUN OF YOU ON
551
00:20:06,500 --> 00:20:06,870
THIS SHOW.
552
00:20:06,867 --> 00:20:07,667
IF HAVEN'T HEARD YOUR NAME, KNOW
553
00:20:07,667 --> 00:20:08,367
THAT WE THOUGHT ABOUT IT, BUT
554
00:20:08,367 --> 00:20:10,997
DECIDED YOU WEREN'T RELEVANT...
555
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:11,900
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT,
556
00:20:11,900 --> 00:20:12,330
ORLANDO BLOOM,
557
00:20:12,333 --> 00:20:12,773
PARIS HILTON,
558
00:20:12,767 --> 00:20:13,267
CRAIG FERGUSON,
559
00:20:13,267 --> 00:20:15,597
BEN STILLER,
560
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:16,830
SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR OR FREDDIE
561
00:20:16,833 --> 00:20:17,233
PRINZE JR.,
562
00:20:17,233 --> 00:20:18,003
DEREK JETER,
563
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:18,600
KERRI RUSSELL,
564
00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:19,200
LEANN RIMES,
565
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:19,670
GERARD BUTLER,
566
00:20:19,667 --> 00:20:20,297
JENNIFER GARNER,
567
00:20:20,300 --> 00:20:20,830
TOPHER GRACE,
568
00:20:20,833 --> 00:20:22,003
STING,
569
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:22,930
DENISE RICHARDS,
570
00:20:22,933 --> 00:20:24,173
OR ANYONE WHO'S ON THE BIG BANG
571
00:20:24,167 --> 00:20:25,967
THEORY.
572
00:20:25,967 --> 00:20:27,027
NOW, FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER SO WE
573
00:20:27,033 --> 00:20:29,873
CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOWS.
574
00:20:29,867 --> 00:20:30,827
KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG AT
575
00:20:30,833 --> 00:20:31,603
TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.
576
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:33,370
AND COME SEE ME ON TOUR OVER THE
577
00:20:33,367 --> 00:20:33,867
HOLIDAYS.
578
00:20:33,867 --> 00:20:35,067
SORRY, I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE
579
00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:35,767
A LITTLE EARLY.
580
00:20:35,767 --> 00:20:36,597
I'M TOLD MY SANDWICH HAS
581
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:37,600
ARRIVED.
582
00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:47,570
LATER, DAY SAINTS.
583
00:20:54,833 --> 00:20:56,033
HERE'S YOUR FOOD.
584
00:20:56,033 --> 00:20:56,833
WHY ARE YOU EATING.
585
00:20:56,833 --> 00:20:58,673
>> THIS IS EMBARRASSING.
586
00:20:58,667 --> 00:21:00,267
I ORDERED THIS FROM HER AT A
587
00:21:00,267 --> 00:21:05,527
BARBEQUE PLACE 4 MONTHS AGO.
588
00:21:05,533 --> 00:21:07,073
WHAT ARE THE ODDS YOU GUYS WOULD
589
00:21:07,067 --> 00:21:07,697
SHOW UP 10 MINUTES APART.
590
00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:17,070
YOU GUYS WANT TO SWAP SAUCE?
591
00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:17,927
>> IF YOU EVER HAVE A NAKED
592
00:21:17,933 --> 00:21:18,503
PICTURE OF YOU ONLINE.
593
00:21:18,500 --> 00:21:21,630
I FOUND A LOOPHOLE.
594
00:21:21,633 --> 00:21:22,773
YES THAT IS ME, AND I WAS
595
00:21:22,767 --> 00:21:26,297
UNDERAGE WHEN THIS WAS TAKEN,
596
00:21:26,300 --> 00:21:27,270
AND THEN THEY CAN NEVER SHOW IT
36542
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