All language subtitles for Tosh.0.S03E01_English

- YOU BETTER NOT MISS.

- THIS IS A DUMB IDEA.

[cheers and applause]

- AND WE'RE BACK.

WELCOME TO THE SEASON THREE
PREMIERE OF TOSH.0.

I KNOW YOU GUYS
MISSED ME.

I WISH I COULD SAY
THE FEELING WAS MUTUAL.

FIRST THINGS FIRST.

THE WARDROBE FOR THE BEGINNING
OF SEASON THREE...

COLLA!

[cheers and applause]

I KNOW.

COLLA!

[cheers and applause]

ALL RIGHT, KNOCK IT OFF.

YOU LOVE OUR NEW SET?
THE ANSWER IS YES.

A LOT OF YOU SENT IN
YOUR OWN IDEAS,

WHICH WERE IGNORED BECAUSE
YOU GUYS HAVE AWFUL IDEAS.

JOHN FROM CINCINNATI THINKS
WE SHOULD BROADCAST

FROM HIS LIVING ROOM.

NOT UNTIL YOU GET
BAMBOO FLOORS, MY FRIEND.

SOMEONE ELSE SAID,
"USE THE TALK SOUP SET,

SINCE YOUR SHOW'S ALREADY
A RIP-OFF OF THAT."

[laughter]

THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

JUST BECAUSE I WAS BORN
IN GERMANY

DOES NOT MEAN I THINK
THAT SET IS APPROPRIATE.

HELLTRACK,
FROM THE MOVIE RAD?

THAT WOULD BE
A PRETTY SWEET SET.

[laughter]

HELLO!

I DON'T WANT TO PERFORM WHILE
I'M CONSTANTLY BEING AROUSED,

SO UNFORTUNATELY,
THIS IS A NO AS WELL.

I'M STICKING
WITH THE MODERN-DOJO THEME.

TODAY ON THE SHOW,
HIDE YOUR KIDS, HIDE YOUR WIFE,

'CAUSE ANTOINE DODSON IS HERE,

I SHOW YOU HOW I PLAY
ANGRY BIRDS,

AND YOU GET TO SEE
WHAT I DID OVER THE BREAK.

NOW, LET'S SEE THAT GUY
GET HIS EYEBALL SHOT OUT AGAIN.

- YOU BETTER NOT MISS.

- HE WON'T.

- THIS IS A DUMB IDEA.

- BULL'S-EYE.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
YOU BARGAIN SHOP FOR LASIK.

HMM, A LITTLE VISINE
SHOULD CLEAR THAT RIGHT UP.

ON THE UPSIDE, GLASS EYES ARE
A GREAT CONVERSATION STARTER.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S REALLY GOOD
FOR THE EYES?

CARROTS.

THAT IS A VERY HEALTHY LOAD.

LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS
ON THE CLOCK

AND SEE HOW MANY WITTY COMMENTS
WE CAN EJACULATE.

I WONDER IF THEY WERE MAKING
CARROT BUKKAKE.

THAT'S THE SEXIEST WAY
TO EAT

YOUR DAILY SERVING
OF VEGETABLES.

I BET SHE'S GONNA TRY
TO KISS HIM AFTER.

I CALL FAKE.

WHITE GUYS HAVE
BABY CARROTS.

THEY HAVE TO USE PRODUCE,

BECAUSE NO MAN HAS EVER
BEEN AROUSED BY A REDHEAD.

[audience groans]

[chuckles]
TIME'S UP.

DOES THAT MEAN WE DON'T GET TO
SEE THEM COVER HER IN RANCH?

LET'S CHECK IN ON THE WAR.

[audience groans]

THEY'RE JUST HAMMERING
SOME KNIVES IN SOME DUDE'S HEAD.

IT'S AMAZING
THESE ARE THE SAME MASTERMINDS

WHO ORCHESTRATED 9/11.

SEE, I PREFER A NICE
WOODEN BLOCK

FROM WILLIAMS-SONOMA,
BUT THAT'S JUST ME.

ALL THOSE KNIVES,
AND NO ONE'S GOT A HAMMER.

[laughter]

WATERBOARDING'S GONNA BE
A PICNIC FOR THIS GUY.

AL-QAEDA IS
THE TOUGHEST FRATERNITY

TO GET INTO ON GREEK ROW.

YEAH.

I'VE RUSHED THREE TIMES,
AND I'M A LEGACY.

I WOULD HATE TO LIVE
BY THIS NEXT LADY.

SHE NEVER PRUNES
HER BUSH.

- SOMETIMES YOU JUST
HAVE TO DO IT--

DO IT OVER, DO IT RIGHT.

DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN.

SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE
TO DANCE NAKED IN THE RAIN.

[laughs]

AHH...

- SHUT THAT CRAZY BITCH UP.

I WISH SHE'D HAVE DANCED NAKED
IN THE RAIN 30 YEARS AGO.

WHAT'S THE OVER/UNDER ON
HOW MANY CATS THAT WOMAN OWNS?

- MOTHER NATURE, THANK YOU
FOR REBIRTHING ME.

- I DON'T KNOW IF I'M TURNED ON
BECAUSE SHE'S NAKED

OR BECAUSE SHE LOOKS LIKE ME.

[laughter]

I SHOULDN'T MAKE FUN
OF THIS WOMAN.

DANCING NAKED IN THE RAIN
IS QUITE INVIGORATING.

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE
TO FEED YOUR SOUL

AGAIN AND AGAIN.

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO GO
DANCING NAKED IN THE RAIN.

[laughing creepily]

- HURRY UP!

- SHUT UP!
IT'S STILL MY TURN!

MOTHER NATURE, THANK YOU
FOR REBIRTHING ME.

THE HARDEST PART
ABOUT DOING THAT BIT

IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN
WAS MY PENIS.

OH, THAT'S TOO FAR.

ARE YOU GUYS FAMILIAR
WITH THE SUBWAY DIET?

EAT FRESH.

[audience groans]

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT THAT TRAIN
IS GOING DOWNTOWN!

OH, WHAT IS WRONG
WITH THIS PICTURE?

HE'S NOT MUGGING HER,
ANDHE'S GOING DOWN ON HER?

STEREOTYPES BUSTED.

IN FAIRNESS, THIS IS
THE CLOSEST THING THEY HAVE

TO A BEDROOM.

THAT'S WHY YOU NEVER USE
PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION.

BLACK GUYS WILL
[bleep] YOU OUT.

[laughter]

LOOKS LIKE THE MISS CARRIAGE
PAGEANT IS UNDERWAY.

[cheers and applause]

THE JUDGES HAVE THEIR WORK
CUT OUT FOR THEM.

THEY ALL HAVE
THE SAME TALENT--

RUINING A MAN'S LIFE
AND THEIR VAGINA.

YEAH, I'M SURE THAT TATTOO'S
GONNA BOUNCE RIGHT BACK.

WHAT'S NEXT?

DOES PROGRESSIVE HAVE
RASCAL INSURANCE?

SOMETHING TELLS ME HE'S NOT
GONNA WALK AWAY FROM THIS ONE.

ZLET'S WATCH OLD DEAD LEGS
GET THE SHAFT

IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.

[cheers and applause]

I DON'T BLAME HER FOR HITTING
THE "DOOR CLOSE" BUTTON.

SOMETIMES ITS
A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE

TO SHARE AN ELEVATOR
WITH A HANDICAPPED PERSON.

HE TRIED TO SQUEEZE
THROUGH THERE AT THE LAST SECOND

LIKE INDIANA JONES
AND THE CRIPPLE OF DOOM.

BUT HE'S BEEN DISRESPECTED.

AND WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN
SOMEONE DISRESPECTS YOU IN ASIA?

YOU GO KAMIKAZE ON THEIR ASS.

WHOA, BUDDY,
I LIKE WHERE YOUR HEAD'S AT,

BUT WHEN GOD TOOK YOUR LEGS,
HE DIDN'T GIVE YOU A FREE PASS

TO DESTROY MALL PROPERTY.

WHY IS HE IN A RUSH?

NO ONE'S GONNA YELL AT THE GUY
WHO CAN'T WALK

FOR BEING FIVE MINUTES LATE.

BONZAI!

WHOOPS.
HE ACTUALLY NEEDED TO GO UP.

DO SCOOTERS HAVE AIR BAGS?

I'M JUST GLAD
HE SHOWED THE WORLD

THAT HE IS"HANDICAPABLE"
OF PLUNGING TO HIS DEATH,

JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

AND FOR THAT,
WE THANK YOU.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH ANTOINE DODSON,

BUT FIRST,
IT'S OUR DICK OF THE WEEK.

- THE NEXT ONE BEHIND THAT
COULD AFFECT US

LATER IN THE WEEK.

THIS IS HOW IT LOOKS TOMORROW--
GETTING SOME STEAMY AIR.

TEMPERATURES ARE GOING TO BE
A FEW DEGREES HIGHER TOMORROW.

[applause]

- WELL, OBVIOUSLY WE HAVE
A RAPIST IN LINCOLN PARK.

HE'S CLIMBING
IN YOUR WINDOWS.

HE'S SNATCHING YOUR PEOPLE UP,
TRYING TO RAPE 'EM.

SO Y'ALL NEED
TO HIDE YOUR KIDS,

HIDE YOUR WIFE,
AND HIDE YOUR HUSBAND,

BECAUSE THEY RAPIN' EVERYBODY
OUT HERE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO COME
AND CONFESS THAT YOU DID IT.

WE'RE LOOKIN' FOR YOU.
WE GONNA FIND YOU!

I'M LETTING YOU KNOW NOW.

SO YOU CAN RUN
AND TELLTHAT,HOMEBOY!

- THAT'S ANTOINE DODSON,
AND HE HATES RAPE.

INSTEAD OF CRYING
IN THE SHOWER FOR THREE HOURS,

HE FOUGHT BACK.

RAPE IS AN AWFUL CRIME.

BUT THE FACT IS,
WITHOUT RAPE,

WE WOULDN'T HAVE
THIS GREAT VIDEO.

PLUS, TORI AMOS WOULD HAVE
NOTHING TO SING ABOUT.

I'D NEVER WANT TO BUY
A DUKE LACROSSE T-SHIRT,

AND THERE'D BE NO
LAW & ORDER: SVU

FOR YOUR PARENTS TO WATCH
WHILE YOU'RE UPSTAIRS

TRYING TO RAPE
YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

BASICALLY, THERE ARE
FOUR KINDS OF RAPE.

YOU HAVE YOUR TRADITIONAL
SCARY RAPE,

WHICH SEEMS TO HAPPEN
ONLY TO JOGGERS.

SO IF YOU WANT
TO STAY SAFE,

KNOCK IT OFF
WITH THE CARDIO.

THEN THERE'S PRISON RAPE,
WHICH INVOLVES CRIMINALS,

SO IT DOESN'T REALLY COUNT.

NOW, DATE RAPE IS
THE POLITEST RAPE OF THEM ALL.

BUT IT WOULD HAPPEN
WAY LESS OFTEN

IF DOCTORS WOULD JUST STOP
PRESCRIBING THE DATE-RAPE DRUG.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST,
STATUTORY RAPE,

WHICH CAN BE VERY CONFUSING,
BECAUSE, LET'S BE HONEST,

WOMEN NEVER LOOK THEIR AGE.

15 OR 57, WHO CAN TELL?

I DON'T WORK
AT A GOD DAMN CARNIVAL!

AND EVERY PLACE
IS DIFFERENT.

IN THESE STATES,
THE AGE OF CONSENT IS 16.

BASICALLY, IF YOUR STATE
CAN'T WAIT FOR PRESIDENT PALIN,

IT'S A SAFE BET YOU CAN LEGALLY
BANG A HIGH-SCHOOL SOPHOMORE.

BUT FOR YOU REAL PERVERTS,
IN MEXICO IT'S 12.

SO BOOK YOUR FLIGHTS TODAY.

[laughter]

I'VE NEVER BEEN RAPED.

BUT I HAVE SEEN THE MOVIE
SOMEWHERE BY SOFIA COPPOLA,

AND I'M PRETTY SURE THE
EXPERIENCE IS EQUALLY HORRIFIC.

I KNOW I'D BE
A TERRIBLE RAPIST.

I STRUGGLE
WITH A CONSENTING FEMALE.

SO IF YOU'RE SQUIRMING AROUND
AND THROWING ELBOWS,

TRUST ME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
YOU'RE SAFE.

BUT IN THE END,
RAPE IS JUST THE WORD "PEAR"

ALL JUMBLED UP.

I LOOK AT RAPE THE SAME WAY
I LOOK AT HIV.

IF YOU PLAY GUARD
FOR THE LAKERS,

IT WON'T AFFECT YOU.

ANTOINE VOWED TO CATCH
HIS SISTER'S RAPIST,

BUT GOT CAUGHT UP
IN BECOMING FAMOUS

AND NEVER FOLLOWED THROUGH.

THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT HIM
TO HOLLYWOOD,

THE SOUL-RAPE CAPITAL
OF THE WORLD,

TO FINISH THE JOB
IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.

[cheers and applause]

[laughing wildly]

[imitating Antoine]
OH, THEY RAPIN' EVERYBODY!

THEY RAPIN' EVERYBODY!

[normal voice] HOW ARE YOU?
- HEY...

- DANIEL.
- HEY, WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU,
ANTOINE.

I INVITED YOU
TO THIS PARK, BECAUSE,

WHILE BEAUTIFUL BY DAY,
AT NIGHT,

THERE ARE MORE UNSOLVED RAPES
PER SQUARE ACRE

THAN ANYPLACE
IN THE ENTIRE UNITED STATES.

YEAH.
[woman screaming]

OH, SHE'S GONNA GET RAPED.

HAD I KNOWN YOU WERE GONNA
WEAR YOUR [bleep] STRAIGHT,

I WOULD HAVE CHANGED.

- I KNOW, BUT AT IS
JUST SO HOT.

- YOU LIKE IT?
- I LIVE FOR THAT.

- NOW, WHERE WAS THAT VIDEO?

- THE VIDEO WAS
IN HUNTSVILLE, ALABAMA,

IN LINCOLN PARK.

- HOW QUICKLY DID
YOUR LIFE CHANGE AFTER THAT?

- THE SITUATION HAPPENED
JULY 28TH,

AND AUGUST 1ST
THE WHOLE WORLD KNEW US.

- WHAT KIND OF OFFERS
WERE YOU GETTING?

- I WAS GETTING OFFERS LIKE,
"YOU COME ON THIS SHOW,

WE'LL GIVE YOU $10,000."

OR, "YOU DO THIS, AND
WE CAN GIVE YOU $15,000.

"OH, IF YOU SIGN
THIS CONTRACT,

WE'LL GIVE YOU $14 MILLION."
AND I WAS, LIKE--

- WAIT, WAIT.
I WOULD HAVE SIGNED THE ONE

THAT SAID $14 MILLION.

- I MEAN,
I WOULD HAVE SIGNED IT, TOO,

IF I HADN'T WENT TO SCHOOL
FOR BUSINESS.

SO IT'S LIKE, WELL, YOU KNOW,

WE NEED LAWYERS
AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT PEOPLE
TO KNOW ABOUT YOU?

- THEY KNOW I'M OPENLY GAY.

THAT'S MAINLY WHAT
I WANTED TO GET OUT.

- THAT YOU'RE GAY?
I THINK PEOPLE KNEW THAT

ABOUT ONE SECOND
INTO YOUR VIDEO.

- NO. THAT IS SO STEREOTYPE.
- OF COURSE IT IS.

- I KNOW A LOT OF FEMININE GUYS
WHO'S NOT GAY.

- NO, YOU DON'T.

- TELL ME HOW
THE AUTO-TUNE THE NEWS GUYS

CAME TO YOU TO MAKE A SONG.

- THEY CAME AT ME
WITH, LIKE,

A LITTLE 30-SECOND CLIP
OF THE SONG,

AND I LISTENED TO IT,
AND I WAS, LIKE,

"IS SOMEBODY TRYING TO MAKE FUN
OF MY FAMILY?

LIKE, I HATE THIS.
THIS IS SUCH TRASH."

BUT LISTENING TO IT
AFTER A WHILE, OVER AND OVER,

I'M, LIKE, "WOW, IT REALLY DOES
SEND A POSITIVE MESSAGE.

IT'S LIKE AN ALERT."

- HOW MUCH DID YOU MAKE
OFF OF IT?

- ALMOST 300,000 COPIES
WERE SOLD,

AND WE WERE SELLING IT
AT $1.29, SO...

- OH, THAT'S THE PREMIUM--
THE iTUNES PLUS, THE $1.29.

- YEAH.
- NO 99 CENTS FOR YOUR STUFF.

- MM-MM.

- THE ONLY THING
THAT I QUESTION IS

"HIDE YOUR HUSBANDS."

ARE HUSBANDS REALLY
GETTING RAPED?

'CAUSE I DON'T THINK SO.

- [laughs]
OH, MY GOD.

HUSBANDS ARE REALLY
GETTING RAPED.

- THEY RAPE HUSBANDS
IN THE SOUTH?

THAT'S WHY I WON'T GO
TO THE SOUTH.

- IF HE IS 5'2",
THEY IS GONNA GET HIM.

- ALL RIGHT, WELL,
YOU KIND OF GOT CAUGHT

WITH YOUR PANTS DOWN
LAST TIME.

LET'S GO LEARN
HOW TO BE PROACTIVE, NOT...

- REACTIVE.

- I WAS GONNA SAY RAPED,
BUT I LIKE YOURS BETTER.

OH, THAT FEELS GOOD.

- ALL RIGHT, NANCYS,
STOP THE STRETCHING.

STOP THE STRETCHING RIGHT NOW!
- I DON'T WANT TO PULL ANYTHING.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TIME
TO STRETCH IN AN ALLEY

WHEN YOU'RE GETTING RAPED.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA STRETCH
IN MY CLASS.

PULL A HAMMY,
THAT'S ON YOU.

SO LISTEN UP.

FIRST THING YOU NEED TO KNOW
ABOUT BEING RAPED

IS THE WORST THING
YOU CAN POSSIBLY DO

WHEN BEING RAPED IS YELL,
"HELP, I'M BEING RAPED."

YOU WANT TO YELL SOMETHING LIKE,
"HELP, I'M ON FIRE."

NOBODY WANTS TO WATCH A RAPE.
PEOPLE LOVE A GOOD BONFIRE.

WHAT WOULD YOU YELL
WHEN BEING RAPED?

- FREE DOUGHNUTS!
- YOU COME IN HERE, SIR.

THIS IS GREG.
HE'S GOING TO TRY TO RAPE YOU.

- HOW IS HE GONNA RAPE ANYBODY
WITH ALL THAT STUFF ON?

- WE'RE GONNA USE OUR
IMAGINATION ON THIS, ALL RIGHT?

THREE OPTIONS--
EYES, THROAT, TESTICLES.

ANTOINE, GET UP HERE.
- MESS HIM UP. MESS HIM UP.

MESS HIM UP! MESS HIM UP!

- GET HIM.
- UNH!

- OH!
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S ENOUGH, THAT'S ENOUGH.
YOU GOT HIS BALLS.

- FIRE. FIRE.

- EVERYONE GO AHEAD RIGHT NOW

AND LET'S BLOW OUR RAPE WHISTLE
ON THE COUNT OF THREE.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

[slide whistle pitch
going up and down]

- THEY WERE OUT
OF REGULAR RAPE WHISTLES.

ALL RIGHT, ANTOINE,
YOU ARE CLEARLY

THE GREATEST RAPE
FIGHTING MACHINE

I'VE EVER COME ACROSS.

WE'VE LEARNED ALL WE CAN
FROM THIS CRAZY LADY.

THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW,

ARE YOU READY TO GIVE IT
ANOTHER SHOT?

- I'M READY. LET'S GO.

- LET'S GO FIND US
A RAPIST.

ANTOINE, THERE IS ONLY
ONE PROVEN WAY

TO CATCH A RAPIST,

AND THAT'S WITH A RAPE TRAP.

- COOL.
- YEAH.

NOW ALL WE NEED IS
SOME RAPE BAIT.

- WHERE WE GONNA FIND
RAPE BAIT?

- WELL, AT THIS HOUR
WE'LL HAVE TO IMPROVISE.

- * HE'S CLIMBING
IN YOUR WINDOW *

- OH, I'M ALL ALONE.

SURE GLAD I DON'T HAVE
ANY PEPPER SPRAY ON ME.

MY SHOE'S UNTIED.

- THERE'S SOMEBODY COMING.

ACT SEXY.
LET IT OUT.

- HEY, BUDDY,
NO MEANS YES.

WHY DON'T YOU POUR
YOUR DNA RIGHT HERE.

WANT A LITTLE OF THIS?

- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

THAT'S A GIRL. THAT'S FISH.

- BEAT IT, SLUT!

GO GET RAPED
ON YOUR OWN CORNER.

MAYBE I SHOULD TAKE
MY SLEEPING PILLS.

ROHYPNOL,
THE RAPE DRUG.

- * HE'S CLIMBING
IN YOUR WINDOW *

- OH...

- THIS ONE LOOKS PROMISING.

WE GONNA FIND YOU!

- OH! PULL IT!

OW! OH...OH...

I'M BEING RAPED
BY ROETHLISBERGER!

- [laughing]

RUN TELL THAT!
WE CAUGHT THE RAPIST.

Y'ALL DON'T NEED
TO HIDE YOUR KIDS,

HIDE YOUR WIFE,
OR HIDE YOUR HUSBAND,

'CAUSE THEY AIN'T RAPIN'
NOBODY ELSE OUT HERE.

[maniacal laughter]

- I'M STILL GETTING RAPED
BY ROETHLISBERGER!

[cheers and applause]

SORRY, PITTSBURGH.

I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD
TO DO THAT

IF ROETHLISBERGER
JUST ADMITTED

TO FUMBLING THE BALL
IN THE END ZONE

AGAINST THE DOLPHINS
IN WEEK SEVEN.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK,
BUT FIRST, WE HAVE A WINNER.

[p.a. announcer loud
and indistinct]

[audience groans]

- [grunts]
WHEEEEEE...

- ANGRY BIRDS IS A VERY POPULAR
iPHONE APP,

BUT I DON'T HAVE
AN iPHONE.

SO I HAVE TO PLAY IT
THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY,

WITH REAL PEOPLE
AND DEAD BIRDS.

JOCELYN, COME IN HERE
FOR A SECOND.

- AAH!
- OOH!

- YEAH!

- CARDINAL.

[laughter]

- OH, MY GOD, I'M BLEEDING.

LOOK AT THAT.

I'M BLEEDING! I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU [bleep] CUT ME.

WILL I HAVE TO GO
TO THE HOSPITAL?

- GOT YOU!

- I'M GLAD IT'S NICK
AND NOT A GIRL.

HE BLED OUT.

AND I HAVE A THEORY ABOUT
ALL THESE DEAD BIRDS

DROPPING FROM THE SKY.

I ASSUME IT'S
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN'S DOING.

IT'S A NEW SEASON,
SO IT'S TIME FOR A NEW GAME

CALLED "IS HE RETARDED?"

[cheers and applause]
YEAH.

OKAY, I KNOW YOU'RE EXCITED.
LET ME EXPLAIN THE RULES.

THAT'S WHERE
I SHOW YOU A CLIP,

AND YOU HAVE TO DECIDE
IF THE PERSON IN IT IS RETARDED.

- [speaking foreign language]

- WELL?
all: HE'S RETARDED!

- NO, HE'S NOT RETARDED.

THAT'S JUST HOW PEOPLE
FROM FINLAND TALK.

BUT, DANIEL, WHAT ABOUT HIS
CRAZY NOSE AND LACK OF TEETH?

THAT'S JUST A BIRTH DEFECT.
THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.

HE'S ACTUALLY MAKING
A VERY COGENT POINT

ABOUT THE DANGERS
OF CHILDHOOD SMOKING.

AND THAT'S HOW YOU PLAY
IS HE RETARDED?

[cheers and applause]

I STILL THINK
HE MIGHT BE RETARDED.

SHOCKINGLY,
WE DIDN'T GET RID OF

THE VIEWER VIDEO SEGMENT YET,

SO DON'T FORGET
TO GO TO OUR BLOG

AND UPLOAD A CLIP.

THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US
FROM MATT KECK.

- [hissing]

SNAKE.

I'M A SNAKE.

I'M A SNAKE!

I'M A SNAKE.

I'M A SLITHERY LITTLE
SNAKEY SNAKE!

I WANNA SLITHER--
LOOK AT MY TONGUE.

BLEHH! BLEHH!

BLEHH! BLEHH!

BLEH!
'CAUSE I'M A SNAKE.

- GOD, I HOPE HIS NEIGHBORS
ARE WATCHING THIS.

"THAT'S WHAT HE'S DOING
OVER THERE?"

ALL RIGHT, ON SECOND THOUGHT,
THAT MIGHT BE A GREAT SEGMENT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH MORE MIND OF MENCIA.

DUH, DUH!

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

- WELCOME BACK, CARL.

I JUST BLEW SOME HILLBILLY
NAMED CARL'S MIND.

[laughter]

MANY OF YOU KNOW
THAT WE LOST

THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE AWARD
LAST WEEK.

NO SURPRISE. THE VOTERS
FOR THAT AWARD ARE STUPID.

YES, I'M AWARE IT'S YOU GUYS.
YOU GUYS ARE STUPID.

A LOT OF PEOPLE ASKED
WHAT I DID OVER THE BREAK.

I TOOK THE MOST
VIOLENT [bleep] EVER.

[mysterious ninja music]

- WEE-YAAAAH!

[ninja whooping, grunting]

AAH!

- WEE-YAAAH!

[plop]

[pained groan]

[mysterious ninja music]

- [poorly dubbed voice]
OUT OF TOILET PAPER.

THE IRONY.

THAT IS THE LAST TIME
I TAKE A POOP IN KOREATOWN.

NEXT WEEK,
I HANG OUT WITH THIS FREAK.

- GOOD DAY, MR. KUBRICK.

MY NAME IS BRIAN ATENE.

I AM A 20-YEAR-OLD
FROM THE THEATER CENTER

OF THE JUILLIARD SCHOOL,

PERHAPS THE FINEST
ACTING INSTITUTION IN THE WORLD.

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE
WHO CAME OUT AND SAW ME

ON THE TOSH TOUR 2010,

THE SINGLE-MOST PROFITABLE TOUR
IN THE HISTORY

OF THE TOSH FRANCHISE.

MAKE SURE YOU TUNE IN
TO SEE MY NEW STAND-UP SPECIAL

HAPPY THOUGHTS, PREMIERING
ON COMEDY CENTRAL MARCH 6th.

BE SURE TO FOLLOW ME
ON TWITTER

SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT
DURING THE SHOWS.

KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOG
OVER AT OUR FANCY NEW WEB SITE--

TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.

AND FINALLY,
I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR

A NEW WAY TO END THE SHOW
THIS SEASON.

I USUALLY SAY "GOOD NIGHT,"

BUT THAT LACKS
A CERTAIN PIZZAZZ.

THAT'S WHY I ASKED YOU,
MY ESTEEMED TWITTER FOLLOWERS,

WHAT THE SIGN-OFF SHOULD BE.

[laughter]

"CAN'T TOSH THIS."

"COMEDY CENTRAL'S [bleep] TIMING
PROBABLY CUT THIS GOOD-BYE

OFF YOUR TiVo."

[laughter]

ALL RIGHT, PRETTY GOOD,
BUT LET'S KEEP IT SIMPLE.

C U NEXT TUESDAY, YOU [bleep].

[cheers and applause]

Captioning by CaptionMax
www.captionmax.com

- ARE YOU STILL LIVING
IN THE PROJECTS?

- NO, I LEFT THE PROJECTS
THE MOMENT THAT HAPPENED.

TOLD MY SISTER,
"YOU GOTTA GET OUT OF THERE."

- THAT MUST HAVE BEEN NICE.
- IT WAS SCARY.

- WHAT ARE THE PROJECTS LIKE?
I'VE ONLY READ ABOUT THEM.

- [laughs]

A LOT OF FIGHTING,
A LOT OF VIOLENCE,

A LOT OF CRAZY STUFF.

PEOPLE GETTING THEIR HOUSE
BROKEN INTO.

PEOPLE SNATCHING
THEIR PEOPLE UP.

- I'M NOT A FAN
OF ANY OF THAT.

- I'M NOT EITHER.

- ARE THE PROJECTS
GAY-FRIENDLY?

- YEAH. ALABAMA, YEAH.
- REALLY?

- THEY'RE REALLY GAY-FRIENDLY.
- HUH.