All language subtitles for The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel - 03x07 - Marvelous Radio.ION10+STRiFE+SKGTV.English.C.orig.Addic7ed.com

- Miriam!
- Ah!

- There's a man on the phone.
- What man? Who is it?

A mean man, an angry man.

He says if you're not on
the subway in ten minutes,

- you'll be late.
- What time is it?

"Get her ass on that fuckin' subway!"

And that's one of the
nicer things he said to me.

- Tell him I'm coming.
- What am I, your secretary?

I'm coming!

- Who's in the bathroom?!
- And he thought I was a man.

- Moishe, get out of the bathroom!
- Why in the world

would he think I was a man?

I'm coming, Susie, I'm coming!

I will be on time, I promise!

Susie? Who would name a boy Susie?

Hands! Elbow! Foot!

Lox? Hands!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Excuse me! Coming through!

Morning.

- Right on time.
- Told ya.

- Morning, guys.
- Hi, Irene.

Let's get a mic check.

- Mic check. Uno, dos. Uno, dos.
- Good for me, Dickie.

Let's do it. Take it
from the top, Midge.

- Housewife?
- What else?

Rolling.

"Paramus Ford has
the best deals in town.

They're so good that even I
can understand the savings...

and I'm a woman!"

Perfecto. Next.

"With its natural mildness
and gorgeous aftertaste,

more expectant mothers
prefer Pall Mall cigarettes

over any other brand".

- Can they prove that?
- No idea. Next.

"Run to buy hosiery that never runs,

at B. Altman's nylon
sale. Ends Thursday".

I used to work at B. Altman.

Don't care. Next.

"Bell Brothers Shoes
is opening a brand-new

Staten Island location, and
we're opening with a bang".

Holy fuck!

- Sorry.
- No one told me about balloons.

That is seriously fucked up, Dickie!

A little warning next time!

The big balloon next to
her head wasn't a tip-off?

I'm gonna need a minute.

She's gonna need a minute now, Dickie.

This is very upsetting!

Jesus Christ, she's so fragile.

- Great job.
- Thank you, sir.

- Sign here.
- Got another housewife spot

at 12:30, you interested?

We'll take it. Five bucks,
we can retire now.

This game is piecework. You
do a lot, you make a lot.

- Let's go.
- Later, guys.

See you at 12:30. And don't be late!

Come on.

- Ooh!
- Oh!

- Ooh!
- Hey!

Studio B!

Midge Maisel, here for her 9:00.

Nice and punctual. Here's the script.

Thank you, sir.

It's a spot for a business in the Bronx.

- I'm playing a four-year-old girl?
- Guess so.

Why didn't you just get
a four-year-old girl?

They can't read. Check the mic.

One-two, one-two, I'm a little girl.

There's my next source of nightmares.

So it's just you today. We
fill in the dad part later.

- Got it.
- Rolling.

"Look at that. I want it".

Sounds good. Next line?

- "It's so big, Daddy".
- Wait.

- What.
- Is this pornography?

- It's not pornography.
- Sounds like pornography.

It's not pornography. Keep
going, from the last line.

"It's so big, Daddy.

I want to lick it".

This is pornography.

- Definitely pornography.
- No, no, look,

she's a kid out with her dad,

he's buying her an ice cream bar.

- At a cathouse.
- Not at a cathouse.

- This is pornography.
- It's not pornography!

Hey, that's my competition!

It's piecework, Dickie. You
do a lot, you make a lot.

12:30, don't forget.

- Hands.
- Belt buckle.

- Breath.
- Heel.

- Tuna fish?
- Elbow.

- Hat.
- Cab?

- Cab.
- Fart.

Hands.

Hey, keep it running. Wait for us.

"Soft and gentle, so comfortable,

and so easy to carry.

A month's supply fits
easily into your purse.

So try Pursettes, ladies.

No one will ever know
who came to visit".

Well done.

- Thank you, Mrs. Maisel.
- You're very welcome.

- Thanks, Susie.
- All I need is the check.

The check?

I thought you understood how
the compensation was gonna work.

- I'll get the door.
- I'll get the door.

You told everybody
these things were easy to carry.

Hey!

For the record,

they said nothing about
paying us in tampons.

A lifetime supply.

Would they do this to a man, huh?

Would they pay him whatever a
tampon equivalent is for a guy?

Men don't even have a
tampon equivalent. Men suck.

Got enough to get the
Rockettes to menopause.

I'll make it work. These
things must have a street value.

You are not selling
tampons on the street.

I'll do what I got to
do. Downtown, driver.

- I'm starving.
- Sorry.

- Food.
- Later.

Look out!

- Oh!
- Coming through.

Midge, this is Pete Drummond.

He owns Pete's Mortuary
Services in Brooklyn,

and this is Mrs. Drummond.

Nice to meet you, Mr.
Drummond, Mrs. Drummond.

- Likewise.
- Nice to meet you.

Hey, I assume you're past
the point of needing these?

Pete wrote the spot.

I'll let him fill you in
on what he's looking for.

Wonderful.

It's a husband and wife dealing
with the death of a loved one.

It's such a sensitive matter,

and the performances need
to reflect that sensitivity.

Absolutely.

It's the most sensitive matter there is.

- Let's try one.
- Rolling.

Any time, guys.

"Dad's dead".

I am so sorry.

- This isn't funny.
- I know, it just weirdly

struck me as funny. I'm so, so sorry.

- Shall we try it again, Midge?
- Absolutely.

"Dad's dead,

and he was my hero".

"Mine, too. What do we do?
It's such a confusing time".

"Let's call Pete's Mortuary Services".

"Good idea.

They'll have a slab for Dad".

I'm sorry,

is this not supposed to be funny?

It's not supposed to be funny, Midge.

It's about a man who's passed away.

I'm sorry. This is so
disrespectful. I'm good.

- Let's try again.
- Just take it from the last couple lines.

Still rolling.

"Let's call Pete's Mortuary Services".

"Good idea. They'll
have a slab for Dad".

"And they'll come to
you, wherever you are".

"It's such a comfort

to know that Dad will...

Rest in Pete's".

Let's take five.

Hey!

Door, door, door,
door, door, door, door.

"Ladies, stay fit and trim the easy way,

with amphetamines, the
pleasantest way to reduce".

And cut. Great job, Midge.

Hey, you got any?

- Food?
- Food.

This week we're on par to make
about what we made last week,

- 35 bucks or so.
- Not bad.

Gross. Net, food and
cabs ate up half of that.

What're you looking at
me for? You eat, too.

- No more cabs.
- Susie.

They're eating up our profits.

It was your idea to take a cab today.

And it was a bad idea. No more cabs.

Without cabs, I show up
looking gross and sweaty.

It's fucking radio. It doesn't
matter how you look.

But I'll feel bad, and if I feel
bad, it'll show up in my voice.

Okay, but we cannot
lose money doing this.

This is supposed to sustain us
until we go back out on tour.

- Hopefully, that'll be soon.
- Mm.

What a time for Shy
Baldwin to get "exhaustion".

The guy doesn't even tie
his own fucking shoes,

- how exhausted can he be?
- I don't know.

- Pressures of stardom, I guess.
- It's been two months.

He should be rested by now.

We need ketchup. Be right back.

Saturday, nickel on the Tigers,

a dime each on the Cards and the Reds.

- Cards and the Reds?
- Yeah.

You know they're playing each other.

- I know.
- You're betting against yourself.

- I got a system.
- Everyone's got a system.

Mine works. I got to go.

- Come on.
- What happened to the ketchup?

I changed my mind. Grab it to go.

"Parker makes a girl-sized
pen for my girl-sized hands".

Got it.

"The flowers at Fleishman's
are never droopy.

Trust me, she expects you to get fresh".

Got it.

"Toffenetti's is the
cathedral of restaurants.

We're famous for our ham".

- Got it.
- You're done, Midge.

We didn't want to leave
the theater. Nobody did.

We floated home, like dandelions,

just floating across the East River.

- Morning, everyone.
- Morning.

We were just telling your parents

about a wonderful
show we saw last night.

- Bye Bye Birdie. You seen it?
- Heard of it.

It's spectacular, a masterpiece.

So many wonderful melodies,

and they just keep
running through my head.

* La-di-di, la-di-di-di, la-di-dah... *

I don't think that's one of them,

but it does have some nice tunes.

- It sounds very nice.
- And that actress,

- Chita Rivera.
- Oh, Moishe.

Good thing I wear my pants loose
in the crotch. Know what I mean?

- Unfortunately.
- Probably not your cup of tea,

though, right, Abe? Bye Bye Birdie?

I know nothing about the show, Moishe.

Yes, but I know you,

and I know you wouldn't
like Bye Bye Birdie

because Bye Bye Birdie is entertaining.

- I know nothing about the show.
- Well, it's a masterpiece.

I'm sure it's a piece of something.

Tonight, we go to a movie,

it's supposed to be cute,
Where The Boys Are.

I'll tell you where the boys are.

Attached to the thing that was saluting

Chita Rivera in Bye
Bye Birdie last night.

You guys are hitting the
town a lot these days.

Well, it's always nice to venture out,

what with the close quarters here.

We'll be out of your hair
soon, Moishe, I promise.

I will be, too, Moishe, it
really is just temporary.

Look, we're fine with
what's happening here.

We're family, but your father,

he's being stubborn.

I offered to put key money
up for an apartment for them,

but he wouldn't hear of it.

We don't need your money, Moishe.

You just fired your maid of 20 years

and you cried when you
did it. I saw you cry.

I don't need your money
because I just completed

my Abe and Rose "End
of Days" calculations.

Now that they're done,
we can find a place,

get Zelda back part-time,
and we'll be fine.

I'm afraid to ask.

He's worked so hard on
this. Explain it, Abe.

It's quite simple: I've
added up our projected pension

and social security payments,
matched them to our expenses,

adjusted for inflation, and
calculated the numbers of years

your mother and I get to live.

Get to live?

- For me, it's the age of 67.
- But you're 62, so...

- I have to die in five years.
- This is morbid.

I get to live till I'm 69,

assuming I don't get hit by a bus.

Now, obviously, if I
die early, say at age 65,

then those two years can
be added to your mother's.

- So I'll get to live till I'm 71.
- Either which way,

- I need to be dead by 1965.
- Mm.

Need any help...

* La-di-di, la-di-di-dah *

* La-di-di-dah... *

Third base line, fifth row.
Best seats you've ever had.

- What did I do to deserve this?
- What did you do?

I was able to reach
you after offering them

to six other people who turned me down.

I'm touched, really.

Hey, there he is. I heard
you were camping here.

- Just for the time being, Donny.
- Time being?

- I heard two months.
- But he's at home all the time.

For the kids. I'm there
to put them to bed,

I am there when they wake up,

I am there for every meal, even snacks.

It's just when Imogene goes to
bed, I come here and go to bed.

With Joel? That's weird.

Not in his bed. In that bed.

With Ethan? That's weirder.

Not when Ethan's here. When he's here,

I lay out fabric on the floor

and make a pillow out of bolts of cloth.

- That's weird, too.
- I can't keep explaining it, Donny.

They're gonna patch it up any day, Don.

- That's the point.
- Any day.

I hope so 'cause it's weird.

Got to pick up charcoal for
our barbecue this weekend.

- See you tonight, Joel.
- Yeah, see you, Arch.

In case you were wondering, this
is why you were my seventh call.

Uh, Joel.

- What happened?
- He walked headfirst into the pipe.

It was sitting there plain
as day where it always is,

and he walked right into it.

- How hard you hit?
- Am I dead?

- No.
- Then not hard enough.

- Come on, let's stand you up.
- I didn't do anything.

- What?
- The night she kicked me out.

You were there, I did nothing.

And not just 'cause you
socked me in the face.

- I know, Arch.
- I love her, Joel.

I love Imogene so much. I miss her.

Well, have you told her?

It's so cold between us. I can't.

- It'll change.
- She was my first.

- There's never been anyone else.
- Never?

- Never.
- That's weird.

- Can you help in some way?
- I'll get some water.

- She'll come around.
- She won't.

- She will. She misses you, too.
- Did you talk to her? Did Midge?

No, but of course she does.

- I'll see you tonight.
- See you tonight.

After I read the kids a story.

I'll make us some tea.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

Good morning.

- Good morning, Chester.
- Sounded like you slept well.

- Was I snoring?
- Or asphyxiating.

Either way, I liked it.

How would you like your
eggs today, Chester?

Raw.

Okay, Jackie, first, how the
fuck you figured subletting

to another person while I
was gone was appropriate,

I don't know.

Second, you sub-sublet to a guy

- who's practically stalking me.
- He didn't say he knew you.

Thought it would be a
deal breaker. Crisscross.

Hello?

I'm excited.

Sophie, hi.

Not as excited as I was
for that m�nage ? trois

with Vincent Price and
Ethel Merman, but close.

Lovely.

- Open your door.
- Open my door?

I've sent you a token.

- Jackie, open the door.
- I think you'll like them.

I hunted and hunted and
finally found the perfect pair.

- Holy shit.
- What is it?

Fucking birds.

We got the birds.

- This is a no-pet household.
- Shh.

The birds sing, as you have
given me the gift of song.

Allowing my voice to soar freely.

It really wasn't necessary.

- It's not fair if she gets to keep them.
- I'll deal with this.

Look, Chester had a cat,
but I wouldn't allow it,

and he couldn't find someone to take it,

so he had to drown it in the Hudson.

Did you read Walter Winchell last night?

About the buzz surrounding Miss Julie?

No. Uh, that's great.

- He said there's buzz?
- Oh...

I don't know why it took me this
long to trod the boards again.

You are the real thing,
Sophie. You came through.

As did you, my little bird.

I'll see you at the opening,

and we'll take that bow together.

And by "we", I mean me.

See you at the opening. Bye.

I'm going to the opening
of Miss Julie, too.

You fucking are not.

Oh, look at that.

- What.
- There, on the floor.

- Is that a dollar?
- I think it is.

You don't see that every day.

Poor sap's gonna miss it when
he realizes he doesn't have it.

I don't know, it's only a dollar.

Yeah, it's only a dollar.

59th Street...

This is me. See you back at the asylum.

Hurry, before the door closes.

Your tea, Mrs. Weissman,

and an apricot rugelach on the house.

You remembered. Thank you, Darla.

You're not in as much
as before, Mrs. Weissman.

Yes, well, we decided
to give up our apartment.

So big, so drafty.

So now we're in a wonderful
house in Forest Hills.

- Do you know it?
- That's Queens, isn't it?

Yes, it's Queens.

Here, Darla.

I'll pay now, so you
can go about your tasks.

- I'll bring your change.
- Thank you.

Rose Weissman? Such a stranger.

Oh, hello, Corinne. How are you?

- I'm well. And you?
- Astrid had her baby.

- Boy or girl?
- His bris is tomorrow.

Mazel tov.

When was the last
time we saw each other?

Not since the Benjamin debacle.

Oh, they came so close.

Yes, so close.

Boy, were we all stunned.

Benjamin Ettenberg, the
Holy Grail of bachelors,

head over heels in love.

So quickly: marriage, a townhouse.

A townhouse? For him and Miriam?

Big enough for a family. So gorgeous.

I didn't know.

Well, maybe Miriam didn't know, either.

- Oh, I just feel so foolish.
- Why?

I was the one who pushed
the two of them together.

- Such a stupid thing.
- Stupid? Please.

- After your track record?
- What track record?

Remember,

you put the Heifetz boy
with the Feinstein girl?

Just suggested it at canasta,

- and now they have three kids.
- That was one time.

In the Catskills,

you told Sara Halpern to
dance with Mel Kleinman,

and now they're married
with one on the way.

The list goes on and on.

Really, Corinne, they're
all just shots in the dark.

Well, then you're the
Annie Oakley of matchmaking.

If you could only help my Shira.

She's still on the market?

- She's day-old bread.
- Oh, Corinne.

Well, what can you do?

At least there'll be someone
to look after me in my old age.

It was nice to see you,
Rose. Say hello to Abe?

I will.

- The butcher's boy.
- Beg pardon?

- Melvin Goldfarb.
- He was studying law.

Then he turned to veterinary medicine.

I didn't know.

And your daughter has all those cats.

Six, and a dog, and a pot-bellied pig.

You're a natural, Rose.
I'm taking her shopping.

Corinne?

How many floors

to Benjamin's townhouse?

Four, at least, and a yard,

and now it's on the market, discounted.

So gorgeous. Bye, Rose.

Buh-bye.

Simon!

Simon!

Hello.

I got to go.

Simon!

Simon, wait.

Simon!

Excuse me.

Simon, wait!

It's me, Abe.

Wait!

Simon!

It's Abe Weissman! Wait!

Simon! Simon! Simon!

Abe.

- What a surprise.
- Hello, Simon.

I thought I'd never catch up to you.

You're in very good shape.

I play a little squash.
So what can I do for you?

Nothing. I was just taking
a stroll around campus

for old times' sake and
I happened to spot you.

Lucky me.

- How's the family?
- There he is. That's him.

Oh, everyone's fit as a fiddle.

- And, uh, your wife?
- Sir?

- She's well?
- Uh, sure.

We should get together,

- the four of us.
- We should, we really should.

Before 1965, if possible.

I really have to go now, Abe.

I don't want to keep you.
I just wanted to say hello.

Hello.

Bye.

All right, then, gang. Now
let's roll up our sleeves

and see if we can tackle
these vector identities.

Abbie,

why are you working out this section

with a Levi-Civita symbol?

Let us in on your methodology here.

Hello, everyone.

Professor Weissman.

- Hello, Professor Weissman.
- Hope I'm not disturbing you.

- I just wanted to stop by.
- But not to teach?

That's right, not to teach.

So good to see all of
you. How are you doing?

Truman, you look well. Your
complexion, it's so clear.

I've been sleeping wonderfully since...

well, I last saw you.

Good to hear. Sleep is very important.

- And Kevin.
- Lance.

- You're holding yourself well.
- I'm taking boxing lessons.

- Really?
- So that no one will ever pick on me again.

Wonderful. I wouldn't
want anyone to do that.

And Abbie, you're still here?

- Y-Yes, sir.
- Okay.

Well, these are great boys, Professor.

They all deserve their place here,

all but six.

And I just want you to know,

all the angst that pervaded this room,

all the tsuris it caused, it was me.

I made you sweat.

I made you nervous.

I made you break out in hives
and run home to your mommies.

For the record, I didn't run. I didn't.

My ego got in the way.

Teaching is an act of generosity,

and I was miserly.

But I can't say that I
haven't missed the joy

of Socratic debate with you all.

The pleasure one gets
in witnessing young minds

striving for truth, the
singular wonder of it,

the joy of personal discovery,

with freedom

to make mistakes and learn from them.

But I think this change of
pace was good for you men.

I see now that

this isn't where I belong.

It's where you belong.

Besides him, him,
him, him, him, and him.

I'll leave you to it, Professor.

I'll leave you to it.

- Goodbye, Professor Weissman.
- Goodbye, Professor Weissman.

Goodbye, Professor Weissman.

Take care of yourself, sir.

Goodbye, boys.

Happy lives.

"It's simply the most flavorful
syrup in the whole wide world.

Pour it on your pancakes,
your waffle, your French toast.

Smack your lips and ask for more.

Karo Pancake Syrup.

It's so good. So good.

So good!"

And cut.

We're happy, very happy.
Thank you, Mrs. Maisel.

You're so welcome.

- She did a great job.
- Thanks, Thomason.

All we need is the check
and we're on our way.

The check?

I thought you understood how
the compensation was gonna work.

This is heavier than the tampons.

I think mine's leaking.

You have got to read the contracts.

I read the contract. This
was not in the contract.

I'm a comedian. When do I
go back to being a comedian?

- Open the door.
- No, you open the door.

It's running down my pants.

- I'll open the door.
- Shit.

I got pancake syrup running
down the inside of my pants.

- It's gonna stain.
- Fuck.

My thighs are sticking to each other.

"It's just off the Van Wyck Expressway".

Then I'm heading for Ludlows Menswear.

Manhattan vices at Brooklyn prices".

And we're out. Good job, guys.

- Come on back in.
- That's it for today.

Your girl free tomorrow night?

She's not going out with you, Dickie.

- For a spot, a live spot.
- A live spot? Fun. For what?

Some lady politician is
sponsoring a live radio event

and she wants live commercials, too.

A woman running for office. I love that.

She wants a wholesome-sounding

husband and wife to read
whatever the copy is,

- and we thought of you two.
- I'm in.

- Me, too.
- Does it pay?

And not in tampons or corn syrup?

- It pays.
- We'll do it.

- See you, gang.
- Bye, guys.

Hey, don't leave your syrup.

Eh, put it on your pancakes.

It's so good!

Paging Dr. Rosenthal.

Please report to Urology.

Dr. Rosenthal to Urology, please.

Hello, Maureen. How are
you this fine spring day?

You're behind schedule, Dr. Ettenberg.

That's not the right answer, Maureen.

- I'm very fine, Doctor.
- That's better.

- And I promise to catch up.
- You always promise.

Benjamin.

Mrs. Weissman?

- Hello.
- Uh, what-what're you doing here?

Oh, Benjamin, I feel so sick.

Well, good thing you're at the hospital,

that's kind of what we specialize in.

No, Benjamin, I'm sick with guilt,

about you and Miriam,

about pushing the two of you together.

- Oh, Mrs. Weissman...
- About getting your hopes up

and uprooting your life and
causing you to make plans

that didn't pan out because of her,

because I set you up with her.

- It's all my fault.
- No, no, Mrs. Weissman...

I didn't understand how
serious this phase was

that Miriam was going
through, this comedy thing.

My timing was off.

You're being too hard on yourself.

Miriam was just not
the right girl for you.

She was weird, yes, but
there's weird and there's weird.

And I thought I knew
which weird she was,

- but apparently I didn't.
- Rose.

Midge was the right
kind of weird for me.

She was?

Look, I've been with a lot of women...

- I'd heard that.
- Not an excessive amount.

- Oh, no, of course not.
- But enough to have experience...

- A lot of experience.
- But less than many others.

- I'm sure that's true.
- What I'm trying to say is that

you have nothing, nothing,
to feel guilty about.

Really?

Midge was right for me.

I just was not right for her.

You're not just saying that?

You did a nice thing, Rose,

a very nice thing,

and you are very sweet
for coming here today.

Have a very good life,
Benjamin. Will you do that?

I will.

Benjamin, did you really buy
a townhouse for the two of you?

Yes, but don't worry, I'm very rich.

That isn't helping.

Can you get that,
Abe? It's probably for me.

- Then why don't you get it?
- 'Cause I'm in the other room.

Then just come in here
and get it yourself.

I'm not wearing pants.

- I'll get it.
- Thank you.

Maisel residence.

Hello. I'm calling for Abe Weissman.

- Asher, it's Abe.
- Oh, hello, Abe.

This is a surprise.

What surprise? You sent me that
thing you wrote for me to read.

- That was two months ago.
- I thought it was a bill.

So you finally got around to reading it?

Yup. Twice.

- You went to my play.
- I did.

I specifically told you
not to go to my play.

So shoot me, I'm a rebel.

And then you write about
it, my play, my other plays.

Me! A lot of this is about me.

- It's all about you.
- I told you not to go.

Asher, you were in this play.

- Come again?
- Your lead character, the carpenter,

you spoke through him.

It was powerful. It moved me.

Now, the actor I saw did
the whole thing shirtless...

- Dumb choice.
- ... and he power-sawed a two-by-four

during the soliloquy,
you could barely hear it.

- God, I hate actors.
- But the whole thing

reminded me of who you are
and what theater should be.

Broadway today, it's
run by bean counters,

cowards. It should be more.

- The people deserve more.
- Abe...

Your play is a masterpiece.

Bye Bye Birdie is not a masterpiece.

- Yes, it is.
- Stop listening, Moishe.

Abe, I read your piece.

You don't need to read me your piece.

I'm sorry.

Look, before I try to publish
it, I want your consent.

It's important. You're my friend.

Abe... It-It's a
nice piece of writing, but

it hits too close to home.

There's too much me, and
my-my privacy is sacred,

- you know that.
- I do.

So...

I-I can't give you my
consent, I-I just can't.

I-I hope you understand.

Old friend, that's why I sent it to you,

- to get your okay.
- Thank you.

I'm gonna try to publish it anyway.

- What?
- These things need to be heard.

Then why the hell did
you ask me for my consent?

Because I wanted your consent.

It's probably not gonna be published.

No, Abe, it's a good piece.
It makes important points.

- It might get published.
- So you agree with it?

I never said I didn't agree with it.

I just said I would rather
that it wasn't published.

It probably won't be published.

It's a good piece. It
might get published.

- So you agree with it.
- I never said I didn't!

It's probably not gonna happen.

It might! It's good!

- It's very good!
- So you like it.

We're going around in
goddamn circles here, Abe.

I never asked you to resurrect my life.

I know, but I have to try.

It probably won't be published.

It's a good piece. It
might get published.

So you think it's good?

Never said it wasn't good.

It probably won't get published.

Mm-hmm.

Susie Myerson and Associates.

Hold, please.

I'm gonna start charging for this.

Susie Myerson.

Hey, Susie, it's me.
I've been trying to get you.

Tess. What is it?

It's Mom. She's bad. Really bad.

Shit. Her heart?

And her lungs, and her liver.

Most of the time, she
doesn't even know who I am.

Sis, I'm so sorry.

She needs 24-hour care, Suz,

and I got to work.

We're talking nursing home?

We're talking nursing home.

Hey, I learned to swim.

- No way. Get out of here.
- In Florida.

I mean, I'm not Esther Williams

or anything, but I'm not half bad.

I lost my virginity in a swimming pool.

You lost it in a few different places.

In the school gym, at the automat.

- In synagogue.
- Stop laughing.

You stop laughing.

Jackie, get that.

- I'm not your maid.
- Look in the mirror.

Tess, I got to go.

Oh, oh, wait. One more thing.

Just so you know, Artie's
eyeing Mom's house,

and my husband's talking
about moving his mother in

because it was our mother's place,

and somehow that makes
it logical or something.

- What did you tell them?
- Call Susie.

And that's that.

I'll talk to you later.

Thanks for nothing.

Mm-hmm.

- Hey.
- Hey.

How'd you know where I live?

I know where all our customers live.

You got 40 bucks due.

- That's today?
- That's today.

Okay, okay.

Um... I've got $30.

I need $40.

Jackie, you owe me ten bucks.

- Give it to Junior.
- Right.

I got seven, but Chester owes me three.

Chester, you owe me three
bucks. Give it to Junior.

I've got two.

But the newsstand guy owes me a buck.

- Hey, Coop!
- Yeah.

- I need that buck.
- All right, here you go.

Thanks, Coop. Here you go.

Thanks, Chester. Here you go.

Thanks, Jackie. Here you go.

Got it. Hey, remember that talk
we had about not being friends?

- Yeah.
- Well, if you were my friend,

I would tell you that if
you need a bucket brigade

to cobble up scratch, it might be time

to slow down the gambling a little.

But you're not my friend.

Moishe, bris first, food after.

I know, I know.

I don't want you upsetting the rabbi.

The rabbi's happy
enough I'm wearing pants.

I'm wearing pants, Rabbi!

Oh, hey. Happy. So glad you
could make it. Don't be scared.

Chip, Greta, come on in.

Don't be scared. Paula!

Hello. You don't know me,

but I have a piece published
in today's New York Times.

- Please take one.
- Hi. Don't be scared.

The written word can change the world.

- Oh, it's okay. Don't be scared.
- Oh, Cousin Levi.

Has your health improved?

I got two more operations coming up.

Maybe this will help.

I wrote a piece for the
New York Times. Enjoy.

The written word can change the world.

And get better, Levi.
Papa, I know you're proud,

but you are an integral
part of your grandson's bris.

- Peddle your papers later.
- Okay.

I have an announcement,
everyone. Listen up.

I know it's a workday, and
everyone wants to get started

with our Weissman bris,

but we're three short of a minyan,

which means that we
cannot begin the prayers.

So I'm afraid we'll have to wait.

We'll round up some Jews for you, Rabbi.

- Don't say, "Round up Jews".
- I know. It sounded wrong.

There's nothing to be nervous about.

Almost all boys are circumcised.

I mean, you are, aren't
you, Cousin Nicholas?

- Uh, sure.
- Well, I know.

You showed me... a lot.

I don't-don't think it was a lot.

Oh, it was. Anyhow,
the only difference is,

this just isn't in a hospital,

so the instruments aren't
necessarily sterile,

and the doctor is a
man called a "mohel",

who has no medical training, nope.

But it's all right because
they give the baby wine,

so it's drunk. Oh, and
you know what's funny?

I had a dream last night
that I was slicing carrots,

and I cut off the tip of my finger,

and it just bled and
bled and bled and bled.

And then I woke up,
and it was fine, so...

Okay! We got a minyan!

And it's my son who closed the deal.

Meet Jacob... milkman extraordinaire

and a son of Israel. Ha!

Thank you, Levi Feldman, for
leading us in the shaharith.

Now, as you've all noticed,

the baby's father Noah is
unfortunately not with us today.

He was called overseas at the
last minute on urgent business.

Yes, but not for the
CIA or anything. Nope.

But he gave us his blessing to proceed.

And that we will do with aplomb.

I'd like to welcome
Mohel David Rosenbaum

to begin the Brit Milah.

Thank you, Rabbi Krinsky.

- Good morning, everyone.
- Good morning.

It's an honor to be here today.

I'm hoping this goes
better than my last one.

There's nothing funny
about a mohel with hiccups.

There was another time

I had slept badly the night before,

and I admit, I was a little snippy.

Oh. Oh.

We've had funnier mohels,
I can tell you that.

All right, which one
you think's goin' down?

Easy. The tall guy in back.

I'm going with the lady in blue.

Abraham Weissman, would
you come join us, please?

And Astrid, if you please?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Oh.

How does it feel, Abe?

Well, I never imagined

they would publish
the piece this quickly.

With hardly any editing. It's wonderful.

I meant to be holding your grandson.

- Well, that's good, too.
- Mm.

Let's proceed.

Mm.

Yes.

Here goes nothin'.

Mazel tov!

Yours didn't technically go down.

Because those party poopers caught her.

If they hadn't caught her,
she would have crumpled

- like a sack of potatoes.
- My guy fell clean. I win.

- It's a tie. Accept a tie.
- No way, no way.

And how did you pick the name, Astrid?

Well, first name
"Chaim" for Abe's father,

middle name "Christian"
for my grandfather.

It's unusual. The combination.

Can I get you anything, sweetie?

Uh, could you see if there's
been a telegram from Bahrain?

- Will do.
- Thank you.

She really named the
child "Chaim Christian"?

She really did.

Who in the world besides
Astrid would do that?

Sammy Davis, Jr., but
that's why we love her.

"The United States is
an island of freedom,

achievement and prosperity.

Nothing's more precious than
our American way of life".

- Pretty hokey.
- What is it?

It's the commercial I'm doing tonight.

It's live, so I want to be ready for it.

You want to run lines with
me? You can be my husband.

Phyllis Schlafly?

Yeah. She's a woman.

She's running for something or other.

Congress. In Illinois.

- You know her?
- Of course I do.

I've been published
in The New York Times.

This is not a good woman.

How so?

She's a right-wing nutjob.

She's come out against Nixon.

Great. We don't like Nixon.

Because she thinks he's too left-wing.

That doesn't sound real.

She also said that
Eisenhower only got in office

because of "secret
kingmakers" in New York.

I'm not sure if you know what
ethnicity she's referring to

with the words
"kingmakers" and "New York",

but one of them just got
part of his penis cut off.

Well, then she's an idiot.

She's not.

That's what makes her dangerous.

This is who you're
doing a commercial for?

Well...

It's a paycheck.

Okay.

If you're going to have a voice,

you'd better be careful
what that voice says.

"With God on our side,

this country will
prevail against the tides

- of the Soviet threat".
- Agreed.

- Less than two minutes, Irene.
- Got it.

So the main broadcast
is happening down the hall.

When they give me the signal,
they'll throw it to us,

we do our thing, we got 90 seconds,

then we throw it back.

This is so exciting. Live
broadcasts are the best.

Let's test that sound.

This is Johnny,
one-two, one-two.

That works. Midge?

Midge?

Sorry. Uh, one-two, one-two.

I guess that'll suffice.

Your girl drink too much
Karo Syrup last night?

- Where's her energy?
- She'll be up for the broadcast, Dickie.

Don't wet your panties.

- 60 seconds to air.
- So the point is

to sound super wholesome.

Think freckled-faced,
blonde-haired kids,

picket fences, ice cream socials.

You know, they want you to sound like...

- America.
- Right.

Like America. Questions?

- Nope.
- Excellent.

Midge?

Midge?

I can't.

I'm sorry. What was that?

I can't do this.

This woman, this Schlafly
woman... she's awful.

I stopped by the library.
I looked her up.

She is racist and sexist

and she uses way too much hairspray.

I don't want to speak for her.

I'm sorry, what did she say?

Not the best time

to be joking around like this, Midge.

These comedians, they
make jokes and sometimes

- they don't know where the line is.
- I'm not joking.

I'm not doing this.

- And you shouldn't either.
- Dickie?

Susie? Help, please.

Uh, Miriam?

Step up to the mic and say the words.

Then I will buy you a hat.

30 seconds, Dickie.

Susie, do you have any idea
how horrible this woman is?

I think everybody's horrible.

Not as horrible as her.

But she's paying you,
which makes me like her.

So say the goddamn words.

Sorry. I'm out.

15 seconds, Dickie.

Miriam, you just recorded a spot
for a massage parlor in Newark.

Do you know how many
greasy hand jobs happen

on a daily basis at a
massage parlor in Newark?

This is on a whole different scale.

This is a giant greasy hand job.

I'm getting the
countdown, Dickie. In five.

- Four. Three.
- Just a reminder, it's live!

- Miriam.
- Two.

"America... the land of promise.

Honey, do you ever think
about the kind of world

you want our kids to inherit?"

Talk, goddamn it.

Shit.

Uh...

"It's all I can think about

when I look into their
sweet, innocent faces

- and their big blue eyes".
- "But...

there are so many forces
working to usurp us".

"I know, dear.

Like foreigners and
Communists who don't even think

we should fly the American
flag outside our little house".

"There's nothing wrong with taking pride

in the Stars and Stripes.

Here, lean in, honey".

"Oh, I love it when you rub my nose".

"And there's nothing wrong

with taking pride in
our country's might".

"I was just explaining to
little Timmy this morning

that the atomic bomb is a marvelous gift

that was given to our country by God".

Holy fuck, this woman's a monster.

That's what I was saying.

What the hell is going on here?

- Plus, the segues are terrible.
- Irene!

"Did you also tell the
children that we can't let

certain well-financed minorities

determine America's future?"

- What the fuck?
- Where are we?

We really have to start
reading these contracts.

I did, and it said nothing
about this woman being Satan.

"... that we can't let certain

well-financed minorities
determine America's future?"

Yes, I did, dear. I told
them to brush their teeth

and to not let certain
well-financed minorities,

um, have futures.

Something like that? America, yay!

I'm sorry, where are we?

And, we're out.

So, does this pay cash
or check or... flags?

This woman's a monster.

Yeah, sorry, Mama, this place
is just not right for you guys.

I still can't figure out
how that pigeon got in.

I'm guessing the bathroom
window that's stuck open.

- Who is that?
- It's the real estate agent, Joan.

Hi, Mrs. Weissman.
Sorry about the pigeon.

We'll find you the
right apartment, Mama.

This is New York,
there's a million of them.

All right. Bye.

It's a tough market.

Especially in their price range.

- I'll keep looking.
- Thanks.

You all used to live right up
the street there, didn't you?

- At 385?
- Used to.

Such a beautiful building.

Well, tell your mother not to worry.

We'll find something.

Will do.

Have a nice day, Mr. and Mrs. Hollander.

- Afternoon.
- How... Mrs. Maisel.

- It's so good to see you.
- Hi, Antonio.

We were just saying we
can't eat a black and white

without thinking of you.

How we miss you. The
whole Weissman clan.

We miss you, too.

J-Jerry, look who the cat dragged in.

How are you, Mrs. Maisel?

I'm very well, Jerry.

What can we do for you?

Take me to nine? Would
that be all right?

Of course. Your old floor.

I'm feeling a little nostalgic.

Come with me.

You look healthy, Jerry.

- I swam.
- Oh, you're swimming?

- Just the one time.
- Good for you.

I'll wait for you, Mrs. Maisel.

Thank you, Jerry.

It's the second time
I tripped over them.

This whole room looks like a pigsty.

Hello?

I'm gonna count to three.

One, two, three.

... both of you here anymore.

Your father is going to be in Missouri,

and you'll be scrounging
for food on the streets.

And you're going in
for your nap, Ronald.

- Accept it.
- Ah, Mom!

Your nap is not optional.

- Ronald. Ronald.
- Midge?

- Ronald! Now come on.
- Midge?

- Wash your hands and get your jammies on.
- Midge?

Your son is not cooperating!

He's running around naked
and the people across the way

- can see!
- Why is my grandson naked?

That is a question
for your grandson, Abe.

He has a mind of his own.

Oh, my God, he'll catch cold.

- Grab him!
- I soaped him up

so he keeps slipping out of my grasp.

I got him. Oh, whoa, whoa.

- I don't got him.
- The neighbors are looking!

We should be charging for this.

Midge! We need you.

Miriam, cut him off in the foyer!

Midge! Midge!

Hello?

Oh, you scared me.

Although, I should be
the one scaring you.

I pretty much broke in to your place.

It's okay, I think.

I used to live here, in this apartment.

My parents were
upstairs. I grew up here.

That's sweet.

It's a great place. I'm gonna miss it.

Guys, please stop yelling!

- You're moving?
- My husband's a researcher,

and he lives by grants, so we're nomads.

Next week, it's off to St. Louis.

Okay, all you did was get louder!

I'm sorry, I'll leave you be.
You've got your hands full.

No, no, stay if you want.
Look around some more.

- I'm not a baby!
- Can I see the kitchen?

- It's all yours.
- Mom, Susan knocked the lamp over.

Your father's going to hear about this!

Sorry... coming through.

No, don't get up.

Excuse me. What are you looking at?

How's it going backstage?

Sophie was chatting it
up with Gavin and Moira.

Gave 'em each a bottle of
scotch, wished them well.

Now she's having a weird, quiet moment.

She left her awful dogs
at home. So far, so good.

How are you feeling?

I think I'm excited. I think
that's what this feeling is.

Good. She put you through a lot,

and you pulled this off.

This is your night as much as hers.

Now, enjoy it.

Oh,

tonight, Miss Julie is crazy again.

Absolutely crazy.

So you've returned.

I took the count to the station,

and when I came back,
I saw Miss Julie dancing

with the gamekeeper.

And then she rushed
up to me and asked me

to dance the waltz
with her. She's crazy.

And always has been, but
never the way it's been

this last fortnight, since
her engagement was broken.

Do you know how it happened, Christine?

They were in the stable,

and she was training
him, as she called it.

She made him leap over her horse whip,

the way you teach a dog to jump.

Hey, duchess, you ever
hear of a cough drop?

- Susie, shh.
- It's a classy fuckin' play.

Now, what do you have
that's tasty, Christine?

Oh, just some kidney that
I cut out of the veal roast.

Ah, good.

Oh, Jean, won't you dance
with me when I'm done?

- Of course I will.
- Do you promise?

Promise?

When I say so, I do it. Mm.

And thanks for the
good food. Tasted fine.

Is this supposed to be happening?

Shh.

Very fine, indeed, Christine.

Tasted fine.

Come on, come on.

I'll be back in a minute,

You go right on in the meantime.

Tell me, is it almost done, Christine?

The ladies are having
secrets, I believe.

That is for you, Jean.

Oh, what a delicious
odor that violet has.

Mm, impudent.

So you understand perfumes also.

And know pretty well how to dance.

Do not peek. No, no, no, go away.

Uh-oh.

Is it some kind of witches' broth

the ladies are cooking on Midsummer Eve?

Something to tell fortunes by

and bring out the lucky
star in which one's

future love is seen?

If you can see that,

you have very good eyes indeed.

Is she supposed to be so quiet?

No, you're supposed
to be able to hear it.

Come dance with me, Jean.

I had promised to
dance with Christine this time.

Well, Christine can
get someone else, Gavin.

Did she say "Gavin"?

Shit. Shit.

I don't want to be impolite,

but I truly made a promise.

Now I can't hear him.

She can get somebody else.

Louder. Louder.

She can get somebody
else, can't you, Christine?

Will you let me borrow
Jean from you? Huh?

That isn't for me to say, Miss Julie.

Frankly speaking,

is it wise for Miss Julie to dance twice

with the same partner?

People will start to talk.

What is that? What kind of talk?

What do you mean?

They sound like my grandparents.

It doesn't look well

to prefer one servant to all the rest.

Prefer? What ideas! I am surprised.

I, the mistress of the house...

It's fine. She's just
projecting for the back row.

Yeah, of Yankee Stadium?

... and when it so
happens I want to dance,

I want to dance with
one who knows how to lead

so I am not made ridiculous.

As you command, Miss
Julie. I am at your service.

Oh, don't take it as a command.

Aw, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...

Tonight, all rank should be forgotten.

Christine will make a pleasant wife.

Perhaps she snores, too.

No, she doesn't. But
she talks in her sleep.

How do you know?!

I've heard it.

Give me something to drink.

We have nothing but beer.

Beer?!

I didn't know you
were serving breakfast.

I can't watch. I can't watch.

I can't not.

You want some for yourself?

A polite gentleman should
keep a lady company.

Wouldn't be proper in your presence.

Are you bashful,

a big, grown-up man?

Tout suite. Julie's thirsty.

- We love you, Sophie.
- We love you, Sophie.

To the health of my liege lady.

Bravo! Ha ha!

Ahh.

Now...

Kiss my shoe.

This part's in the play.

Boop.

- Kiss it!
- Yeah, kiss it.

Well, it looks like someone was hungry

for some moo shoe pork.

Huh? And unfortunately,

I just left the stables.

Hey, don't worry, after the stables,

I washed 'em off... in a toilet.

Put that on your plate, huh?

The other day, I was
hanging out by the cows,

and one of the farmhands
tried to milk me.

And my last husband
never kissed my shoe,

but he always had a foot in his mouth.

Aw, it's so filthy here in the country.

My clothes are so dirty...

How dirty are they?

My clothes are so dirty, my
washboard needs a washboard.

Ooh.

The count is back.

You mean Count Dracula?

Is that where you got that
big hickey on your neck?

It wasn't me.

Well, folks, we're close enough
to the finish line, I think.

Everybody's sad, I go off to die.

Blah, blah, blah. The end.

See ya!

Susie, wait.

We love you, Sophie!

Oh, thank you very much. Oh...

Oh, look, you got
Sophie's hay fever going.

Ah-choo! Thank you.

Oh.

I hate you.

Theater hates you!

- Sophie.
- Sophie, Sophie...

Fucking stop.

Sophie, fucking stop!

Hey! Hey, I got
something for your flight.

What the fuck just happened?

'Cause I know you did not
just trash that production.

I know I must have
eaten some spoiled cheese

or a hash brownie and hallucinated

that on the opening night
of your Broadway premiere,

you chose to flush it
all down the shitter.

What are you talking
about? This is your fault.

My fault?

I am the biggest comedy star in America,

and you chose to dump
that and have me act.

Act in this ridiculous farce of a play.

I had never even heard of
Strindberg before I met you.

You should have stopped
me. You're my manager.

You fired Harry Drake
because he stopped you

from doing Strindberg,
you whacko. Remember?

Just like he stopped Jerry Lewis
from doing A Raisin in the Sun.

It's what a good manager does.

Goddamn it, Sophie.

You asked me to get you a shot.

I got you a shot and you chickened out.

You choked.

How dare you!

I went out on a limb for you.

Bernie went out on a limb for you.

The investors went
out on a limb for you.

Fucking asshole tennis-playing Milken

went out on a limb for you!

We got Gavin Hawk to star opposite you.

You were all conspiring against me.

- Hey, call Bellevue. Tell 'em to bring a net.
- Especially you.

Why, Sophie? Why would I do that?

For her.

You were trying to prop her up

by bringing me down.

- Let's go.
- You're walking away from me?

Yeah, I'm walking away.

Because you are nothing but a fraud,

with your Jell-O and
your stuck-up butler

and your lemon wedges.

And you want to know what the
really sad thing is, Sophie?

You could have done it.

I watched you rehearse every single day,

and you were good.

Fuck that, you were great.

A great fucking serious actress.

And you had it all right
there in the palm of your hand,

and all you had to do was
have the guts to follow through

and do it, and you didn't.

You fuckin' folded like a deck of cards.

- Harry knew.
- Harry knew what?

That you didn't have the
stuff to make it on Broadway.

He was no idiot. He knew.

And I do not have to
take you down for her.

You are not her competition.

You are not even in the same league.

She's got guts.

That is the difference
between Midge Maisel

and the great Sophie Lennon.

You're a star, for now,

but she is gonna be a goddamn legend.

I'm setting those fuckin' birds loose

the minute I get home.