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1
00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:10,134
Previously on Californication...
2
00:00:10,260 --> 00:00:13,804
I will love you till the end of time.
But I can no longer be your husband.
3
00:00:14,264 --> 00:00:15,806
It's such a fucking relief!
4
00:00:15,932 --> 00:00:18,183
I know, right?
It's fucking liberating!
5
00:00:18,476 --> 00:00:19,518
I'm dropping out of school.
6
00:00:19,602 --> 00:00:20,769
No, you're not.
7
00:00:20,937 --> 00:00:23,105
- I want to be a writer.
- Why?
8
00:00:23,148 --> 00:00:24,481
Being a writer sucks.
9
00:00:24,774 --> 00:00:26,608
I really thought
you'd be more supportive.
10
00:00:26,693 --> 00:00:29,653
I want an agent who understands
what I'm going through,
11
00:00:29,779 --> 00:00:32,114
both, as an artist and as a gay man.
12
00:00:32,198 --> 00:00:33,824
I want a gaygent.
13
00:00:33,992 --> 00:00:36,118
We were in such a great place
that night.
14
00:00:36,369 --> 00:00:38,954
And if we stand any chance
of getting back there,
15
00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:41,040
you have to pull your shit together.
16
00:00:41,207 --> 00:00:43,292
Well, I really
loved your book, Ophelia.
17
00:00:43,460 --> 00:00:45,127
Good for you, Marcy.
18
00:00:45,211 --> 00:00:47,504
You don't need a man to be happy.
19
00:00:47,630 --> 00:00:48,797
Did you sign Robbie Mac?
20
00:00:49,007 --> 00:00:51,300
Yeah, I wasn't sure
if it was going to stick.
21
00:00:51,468 --> 00:00:54,219
Well, it stuck, all right.
It's on Deadline.
22
00:00:55,138 --> 00:00:56,180
Do you know that fucker?
23
00:00:56,306 --> 00:00:58,807
This fucker is supposed to be
in rehab right now.
24
00:00:58,975 --> 00:01:02,019
It appears that I've had a relapse.
25
00:01:02,228 --> 00:01:05,147
I got to get myself back
to rehab post-haste.
26
00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:07,566
You think maybe
you can give me a ride?
27
00:01:16,367 --> 00:01:19,078
Here's to your
semi-successful rehab stint.
28
00:01:19,162 --> 00:01:20,204
Cheers.
29
00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:23,082
And here's to my cock-happy gaygent.
30
00:01:23,249 --> 00:01:24,708
It's a better life, Hank.
31
00:01:24,834 --> 00:01:26,752
The gays, they got it all figured out,
32
00:01:26,836 --> 00:01:28,587
especially when it comes to sex.
33
00:01:28,963 --> 00:01:31,006
They want to get laid,
they just do it.
34
00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:34,510
They act on their impulses,
no guilt, no shame.
35
00:01:34,594 --> 00:01:37,304
Heterosexuality should get down
on bended knee and take a lesson.
36
00:01:37,430 --> 00:01:38,931
I'll bring it up
at the next board meeting.
37
00:01:39,432 --> 00:01:42,726
- It's good to have you back, buddy!
- It's good to be back.
38
00:01:42,852 --> 00:01:45,771
So, what's next?
39
00:01:45,897 --> 00:01:48,774
I got something in mind.
I don't know if it's a novel.
40
00:01:48,858 --> 00:01:51,276
I don't know if it's a short story.
It's definitely a character.
41
00:01:51,361 --> 00:01:52,736
I met this woman in rehab...
42
00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:54,822
Yeah, yeah,
that all sounds great, but...
43
00:01:55,156 --> 00:01:56,782
Yep, yep, yep. You see it coming.
44
00:01:57,075 --> 00:01:58,867
I got an offer for you!
45
00:01:59,244 --> 00:02:01,036
And I pass.
46
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,371
- What, you pass?
- Yeah.
47
00:02:02,455 --> 00:02:03,622
What the fuck?
48
00:02:03,748 --> 00:02:06,750
I'm going to write on spec
for a while, Charlie, OK?
49
00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:09,086
No Hollywood fingers
in my sweet, little cornhole.
50
00:02:09,504 --> 00:02:12,214
Why would you want to work for free
when I can get you a major payday?
51
00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:13,423
Don't you need one?
52
00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:15,717
You just dropped major fucking ducats
on rehab.
53
00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:17,761
Well, yeah, sure,
paydays are always nice.
54
00:02:17,887 --> 00:02:19,847
- Yeah, yeah.
- What if it was a quick assignment?
55
00:02:19,931 --> 00:02:21,014
Yeah, well, they never are.
56
00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:23,183
What if it was a remake of Cruising?
57
00:02:23,351 --> 00:02:26,562
Come on, Billy Friedkin, Al Pacino.
58
00:02:27,063 --> 00:02:28,272
And so it begins.
59
00:02:28,356 --> 00:02:30,315
I got it all cued up for you
right here, OK?
60
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:31,692
- Charlie...
- Look, no, no, no.
61
00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:34,653
You just need to sit down and relax.
62
00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:38,490
I got the popcorn.
I got the Red Vines.
63
00:02:38,616 --> 00:02:40,909
Charlie, I don't feel like
screening a movie with you right now.
64
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:43,203
I want to go see Karen, check up
on the state of our union.
65
00:02:43,288 --> 00:02:44,663
You got homework to do, man.
66
00:02:45,039 --> 00:02:46,957
We got ourselves a big
Hollywood meeting tomorrow.
67
00:03:36,799 --> 00:03:39,676
It's going to be amazing, Hank.
Nothing to be nervous about.
68
00:03:39,969 --> 00:03:41,553
- I'm not nervous.
- Good.
69
00:03:41,679 --> 00:03:43,430
- Are you?
- No, no, no.
70
00:03:43,556 --> 00:03:45,641
Totally sanguine. I'm the sanguinator.
71
00:03:46,517 --> 00:03:49,061
You're sweating through
that cheap, ugly suit of yours.
72
00:03:49,145 --> 00:03:52,189
I know, I know, I know. Hank,
this could be such a big meeting,
73
00:03:52,273 --> 00:03:53,398
and I can't get Robbie on the phone.
74
00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:55,400
- He's supposed to be here.
- I'm sure it's fine.
75
00:03:55,485 --> 00:03:56,860
I'm sure he's just out somewhere,
you know...
76
00:03:56,945 --> 00:04:00,197
- Sucking a dick somewhere.
- Whoa, jeez, Charlie.
77
00:04:00,281 --> 00:04:02,824
That's a little something,
don't you think?
78
00:04:03,117 --> 00:04:05,452
Hank, the guy sucks a whole
bag of dicks before breakfast.
79
00:04:05,536 --> 00:04:08,247
A whole bag? That's a lot of protein.
80
00:04:08,331 --> 00:04:09,539
I hope he eats a light breakfast.
81
00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:11,041
Or maybe throw some veggies in there.
82
00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:12,459
I'm not nervous.
83
00:04:12,543 --> 00:04:14,503
- Ali's a huge fan.
- Ali?
84
00:04:14,629 --> 00:04:16,713
- Yeah. Ali Andrews.
- Charlie...
85
00:04:16,798 --> 00:04:18,048
She's a huge fan of yours,
in particular.
86
00:04:18,132 --> 00:04:21,260
Charlie, Ali Andrews was the executive
on Crazy Little Thing Called Love.
87
00:04:21,344 --> 00:04:23,637
She came on to me.
I rebuffed her advances.
88
00:04:23,721 --> 00:04:25,472
She fired me, had me rewritten.
89
00:04:25,556 --> 00:04:28,976
- Any of this sound familiar?
- Vaguely.
90
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,477
Charlie, how the fuck
do you forget this shit?
91
00:04:30,561 --> 00:04:31,937
It's all coming back to me now.
92
00:04:32,021 --> 00:04:33,814
Because you've burned
a lot of bridges, Hank.
93
00:04:34,065 --> 00:04:36,483
All the people you've pissed off,
they move around a lot.
94
00:04:36,609 --> 00:04:39,111
Hank, she's running the studio now.
95
00:04:41,364 --> 00:04:44,741
- Charlie. Hank.
- Ali.
96
00:04:44,909 --> 00:04:47,661
So lovely to see you. Come on in.
97
00:04:47,787 --> 00:04:51,123
Ali Andrews. One of the most
successful women in Hollywood.
98
00:04:51,582 --> 00:04:54,001
Lucky seven on the 30 under 30.
Congrats on that.
99
00:04:54,419 --> 00:04:56,503
- Where's your client, Charlie?
- He'll be here any minute.
100
00:04:56,671 --> 00:04:58,630
You all are in for a real treat, too.
101
00:04:58,715 --> 00:05:00,215
He is stunningly handsome.
102
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:04,094
He's a movie star. Of course
he's stunning. But is he clean?
103
00:05:04,178 --> 00:05:05,637
Immaculate.
104
00:05:05,763 --> 00:05:07,014
He's so clean,
you could eat off of him.
105
00:05:07,098 --> 00:05:09,349
Yeah, I heard that
was your thing now, right?
106
00:05:09,517 --> 00:05:11,810
- I always had a feeling.
- Me too.
107
00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:16,064
So, Hank, tell me a story.
108
00:05:16,190 --> 00:05:17,524
You've seen the original movie?
109
00:05:17,650 --> 00:05:19,067
- I have. It's brilliant.
- "Brilliant."
110
00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:21,236
Why is everything always "brilliant"
with you people?
111
00:05:21,362 --> 00:05:23,947
Why can't anything be just good or OK?
112
00:05:24,073 --> 00:05:26,074
But I digress.
113
00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:28,660
You've seen the original.
That's my story.
114
00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:30,620
How do you plan to update it?
What's your take?
115
00:05:30,705 --> 00:05:31,913
My take?
116
00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:34,458
My take is I'll take it.
I'll take it and make it my own.
117
00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:37,669
I get it.
118
00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:39,546
Story's really never
been your thing, right?
119
00:05:39,714 --> 00:05:42,591
You're all about voice and attitude,
120
00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:45,719
lots of talk, no action.
121
00:05:46,262 --> 00:05:47,721
OK.
122
00:05:47,805 --> 00:05:49,097
So we both know what this is about.
123
00:05:49,432 --> 00:05:50,682
- We do?
- Yes.
124
00:05:50,808 --> 00:05:53,268
And if you're still wanting
to make shit happen,
125
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,561
- I'm down with it.
- You're kidding me.
126
00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:57,439
I was in a loving, monogamous
relationship at the time.
127
00:05:57,523 --> 00:05:59,524
Now not so much. It's still loving,
128
00:05:59,609 --> 00:06:01,610
but we can't seem to get back
on the physical plane,
129
00:06:01,861 --> 00:06:04,237
which sucks, but it does afford me
certain freedoms.
130
00:06:04,405 --> 00:06:06,573
I wish you were this imaginative
in your writing.
131
00:06:07,408 --> 00:06:09,409
I think it would clear the air, right?
132
00:06:09,494 --> 00:06:10,535
You're obviously a woman
133
00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:12,704
that's used to getting what she wants.
134
00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:14,623
And I'm the guy that said
"No, thanks,"
135
00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:17,584
to your fleshy goodness,
which makes me the one that got away.
136
00:06:17,752 --> 00:06:21,755
So you've put me up on this pedestal
built of bitterness and regret.
137
00:06:22,006 --> 00:06:23,715
This is exciting.
138
00:06:23,883 --> 00:06:25,759
The sexual tension, it's thick.
139
00:06:26,677 --> 00:06:29,513
You could cut it with a knife
and spread it on some crostini.
140
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,265
Why don't you two get
the fuck out of my office?
141
00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:33,392
I have a studio to run.
142
00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:41,691
Who wants to remake a classic
fucking movie from the '70s?
143
00:06:41,776 --> 00:06:43,944
It came out in '80, actually.
144
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:45,821
Quiet, writer.
145
00:06:46,906 --> 00:06:51,493
A man who shall remain nameless
came out recently.
146
00:06:52,370 --> 00:06:57,457
He came out in a big,
brave, showy way.
147
00:07:00,169 --> 00:07:01,795
Then he brought me this movie.
148
00:07:02,547 --> 00:07:06,800
Now, at first I thought, "Who gives
a fuck about anonymous gay men
149
00:07:06,884 --> 00:07:10,011
"punishing each other's assholes
in dark, dank leather bars?"
150
00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:14,349
Then I thought, "This guy does."
151
00:07:14,892 --> 00:07:18,228
Three months in dingy gay bars,
152
00:07:18,396 --> 00:07:19,646
and I get paid for it too?
153
00:07:20,481 --> 00:07:22,190
Where the fuck do I sign?
154
00:07:24,026 --> 00:07:26,319
So what do you say, handsome?
155
00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:29,030
- You seen the original?
- Yes.
156
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,408
- Fucking brilliant.
- Turn that shit up.
157
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:47,340
No.
158
00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:16,328
Sold it, in the room.
Totally fucking brilliant.
159
00:08:16,412 --> 00:08:17,913
Settle down, Judy Garland.
160
00:08:17,997 --> 00:08:19,706
You guys should come
celebrate tonight.
161
00:08:19,790 --> 00:08:22,584
Fist. Santa Monica and Robertson.
Be there.
162
00:08:22,668 --> 00:08:25,504
You're going to Fist. I got a thing
over at prolapsed rectum.
163
00:08:25,755 --> 00:08:28,048
- It's in Silver Lake.
- Be there, writer.
164
00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:30,675
- Or be off the project.
- He will be there, Robbie.
165
00:08:30,801 --> 00:08:31,968
Sure thing.
166
00:08:32,053 --> 00:08:34,471
Just got to get my assless chaps
out of storage.
167
00:08:42,897 --> 00:08:44,314
He is something, ain't he?
168
00:08:44,398 --> 00:08:45,815
You better be careful,
169
00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:48,485
or else some part of him is going to
end up in some part of you.
170
00:08:48,694 --> 00:08:50,320
Why you want to rain on my gay parade?
171
00:08:50,446 --> 00:08:53,156
It's going to rain, Charlie.
It's going to rain big buckets
172
00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:54,991
of smooth, creamy man-cake batter.
173
00:08:55,076 --> 00:08:56,284
I hope you have your umbrella.
174
00:08:57,745 --> 00:09:00,121
Gosh, Marcy, thank you so much
for fitting me in.
175
00:09:00,289 --> 00:09:03,875
Are you kidding me?
This is my pure pleasure.
176
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:07,712
And by the way,
this rip's on the house. My treat.
177
00:09:08,005 --> 00:09:09,673
Don't be ridiculous.
178
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,676
- You come highly recommended.
- That's nice.
179
00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:15,887
I am the shit when it comes
to making pussies pretty,
180
00:09:16,013 --> 00:09:20,350
but your writing means too much to me.
181
00:09:20,476 --> 00:09:23,645
- This shit is gratis.
- Thank you, that's very sweet.
182
00:09:25,773 --> 00:09:27,816
Can I tell you something?
183
00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:30,944
And trust me,
it's going to sound freaky.
184
00:09:32,154 --> 00:09:33,905
You can tell me anything.
185
00:09:34,365 --> 00:09:38,076
OK, I've seen a lot of vajay
in my day,
186
00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:41,538
but yours is simply stunning.
187
00:09:41,622 --> 00:09:44,165
It took me a while
to hack through all this brush,
188
00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:46,334
but once I got there, wow.
189
00:09:46,752 --> 00:09:50,130
- Thank you.
- Honestly, it's like it's glowing.
190
00:09:50,464 --> 00:09:52,048
- You know what it is?
- No.
191
00:09:52,174 --> 00:09:54,926
But please tell me, because mine
looks like day-old deli meat.
192
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,887
It is untouched by man.
193
00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:02,142
But I mean, do you... How do you...
194
00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:04,227
What? How do I take care of myself?
195
00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:06,980
Marcy, I do exactly that.
196
00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:08,356
I take care of myself.
197
00:10:08,482 --> 00:10:10,567
I don't need a fucking man
to make me come.
198
00:10:10,818 --> 00:10:12,611
I come all the time.
199
00:10:12,778 --> 00:10:14,571
I just came right now.
200
00:10:14,947 --> 00:10:16,364
Seriously, you just did?
201
00:10:16,532 --> 00:10:18,325
No, I'm just kidding.
202
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:20,368
But I found a better way.
203
00:10:20,494 --> 00:10:22,621
If you withhold, you gain power.
204
00:10:24,915 --> 00:10:26,875
That is some heady shit, Ophelia.
205
00:10:28,002 --> 00:10:30,462
So instead of putting my head
in some man's lap,
206
00:10:30,546 --> 00:10:33,214
I put my nose in a book,
and I never looked up.
207
00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:35,759
And guess what.
All my dreams came true.
208
00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:40,096
Are you sure you don't
just like munching box?
209
00:10:40,264 --> 00:10:43,516
I love women, but not like that.
210
00:10:43,768 --> 00:10:45,143
I'd rather be alone,
211
00:10:45,269 --> 00:10:48,188
alone with my first editions
and my hummus.
212
00:10:48,272 --> 00:10:49,314
I love hummus.
213
00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:50,523
What about children?
214
00:10:51,275 --> 00:10:52,692
Disgusting little creatures.
215
00:10:52,943 --> 00:10:54,444
Church.
216
00:11:03,788 --> 00:11:05,372
Oh, boy!
217
00:11:05,456 --> 00:11:07,957
All right, one drink, Hank.
That's it, I promise.
218
00:11:08,042 --> 00:11:09,250
I can stay all night.
219
00:11:09,335 --> 00:11:12,671
I feel like Indiana Jones and
the Temple of the Greased Fist.
220
00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:14,714
Runkle!
221
00:11:14,882 --> 00:11:16,466
Some people I want you to meet.
222
00:11:16,550 --> 00:11:19,678
- Going in!
- Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
223
00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:24,641
What are you drinking?
224
00:11:27,478 --> 00:11:28,812
- Batesy!
- Hank!
225
00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:30,355
What the fuck are you doing here?
226
00:11:30,481 --> 00:11:31,564
What does it look like I'm doing?
227
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,566
Research. Got a new book in the works.
228
00:11:34,318 --> 00:11:36,986
Question is, what are
you doing here, kitten?
229
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,239
- Charlie's gay now.
- Now?
230
00:11:39,323 --> 00:11:41,533
Let me tell you something,
that scrumptious little macaroon
231
00:11:41,659 --> 00:11:43,243
was born with balls on his chin.
232
00:11:44,412 --> 00:11:46,287
- How's Karen?
- She's good.
233
00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:48,373
She's shacking up with Marcy now.
234
00:11:48,582 --> 00:11:49,708
Not in that way.
235
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:52,836
I'm confused. Why is she
not shacked up with you in that way?
236
00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:54,337
I'm equally confused.
237
00:11:54,463 --> 00:11:57,382
I guess we're just heroes
of bad timing.
238
00:11:57,591 --> 00:11:59,175
Hey, you going
to Becca's thing tonight?
239
00:11:59,301 --> 00:12:00,343
What Becca's thing?
240
00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:01,803
How do you know
about Becca's thing tonight?
241
00:12:02,012 --> 00:12:04,848
We keep in touch. She's always
asking me questions about writing.
242
00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:07,976
She's so cute. She's fantastic, Hank.
243
00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:09,978
She never asks me
questions about writing.
244
00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:12,021
That could be one of two things.
245
00:12:12,106 --> 00:12:14,107
Either she recognises
who the real writer is,
246
00:12:14,525 --> 00:12:16,609
or she's not ready
to let you in yet, Hank.
247
00:12:16,777 --> 00:12:18,611
Come on, it's got to be tough
on the poor gal.
248
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:19,779
She wants to be a writer.
249
00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:22,031
Her dad's reasonably good at it.
250
00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:23,658
"Reasonably"?
251
00:12:24,243 --> 00:12:25,869
It's OK. You're still young.
252
00:12:25,995 --> 00:12:27,704
If you want to be one of the greats,
253
00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:29,706
you're going to have to park your ass
in that chair
254
00:12:29,790 --> 00:12:31,124
and bleed on the motherfucker.
255
00:12:31,208 --> 00:12:32,667
Thanks for the gross tip, prof.
256
00:12:32,835 --> 00:12:35,587
OK. Listen, I got to go.
I got to get back to work.
257
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:36,963
Got a lot of thirsty boys.
258
00:12:37,047 --> 00:12:38,173
You're a good man, Gunga Din.
259
00:12:38,257 --> 00:12:40,842
- Yes, tipping is permitted.
- Really?
260
00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:42,510
Take your time, sugar.
261
00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:44,888
There he is.
262
00:12:45,097 --> 00:12:47,098
Abbot's Habit. It's in Venice.
263
00:12:47,183 --> 00:12:48,808
I think she goes on
around 11:00 or so.
264
00:12:49,185 --> 00:12:51,102
- Thanks, Batesy.
- Fuck you.
265
00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:52,771
Hey, writer.
266
00:12:53,731 --> 00:12:56,399
Wow. Wait a minute.
267
00:12:57,860 --> 00:12:59,444
You're real.
I thought you were a mirage,
268
00:12:59,528 --> 00:13:02,405
but you smell of perfume-lady-ness.
269
00:13:02,490 --> 00:13:03,615
What are you doing here?
270
00:13:03,699 --> 00:13:06,159
Robbie invited us to celebrate.
271
00:13:06,827 --> 00:13:11,080
Hey, hey, hey, everybody.
Big, gay party at Runkle's.
272
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:12,957
Let's go!
273
00:13:17,505 --> 00:13:19,672
Come on, hop on, Runkle.
You're coming with me.
274
00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:22,467
Wrap your legs
around this steel, bitch. Let's go.
275
00:13:22,551 --> 00:13:24,260
Get on it.
276
00:13:24,678 --> 00:13:26,304
Yes.
277
00:13:34,188 --> 00:13:35,563
- You're wrong, Karen.
- What?
278
00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:39,108
You're wrong. Men are the enemy.
279
00:13:39,568 --> 00:13:42,654
Menemy mine. Men-enemy. Menemy mine!
280
00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:44,697
I like that.
281
00:13:44,782 --> 00:13:47,700
That is good, Marcy. Yes, I love that.
282
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:49,953
That is the title of my next book.
283
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:52,455
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
284
00:13:52,790 --> 00:13:55,208
The Menemy, by Ophelia Robins.
285
00:13:55,417 --> 00:14:00,255
How men devastate your vagina
and suck out your will to live.
286
00:14:00,965 --> 00:14:02,924
- Jesus.
- Catchy.
287
00:14:04,301 --> 00:14:07,136
You think my utter hatred of men
is very extreme, don't you?
288
00:14:07,471 --> 00:14:09,973
- I don't.
- I do. Yeah, I do.
289
00:14:10,099 --> 00:14:11,683
Let me ask you this, Karen.
290
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:14,561
Where exactly has
the princess myth gotten you?
291
00:14:14,645 --> 00:14:17,230
Because as far as I can tell,
everyone you've been with
292
00:14:17,314 --> 00:14:18,606
has grown tired of fucking you
293
00:14:18,732 --> 00:14:21,818
and wandered off into the
tits and pussy of someone else.
294
00:14:21,986 --> 00:14:23,236
Not Bill.
295
00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:26,155
You got tired of boning Bill,
and you went back to Hank,
296
00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:28,366
and then Bates got
all chicken hawk on you.
297
00:14:28,450 --> 00:14:29,534
OK, you don't need to...
298
00:14:29,618 --> 00:14:30,743
I was just getting
the history straight.
299
00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:33,997
Karen, you have got to work
on yourself.
300
00:14:34,164 --> 00:14:39,252
You need to just get away from this
fairy-tale, happy-ending fantasy
301
00:14:39,336 --> 00:14:41,087
and focus on the now.
302
00:14:41,171 --> 00:14:43,631
Who are you? What makes you happy?
303
00:14:43,799 --> 00:14:46,593
That's what I'm doing right now.
That is it.
304
00:14:46,677 --> 00:14:48,428
No, you're not. You're fighting me.
305
00:14:48,971 --> 00:14:51,222
You're a sophisticated,
intelligent woman.
306
00:14:51,515 --> 00:14:55,393
Why have you spent
so much time with boys?
307
00:14:55,519 --> 00:14:56,728
Boys are fun.
308
00:14:57,980 --> 00:14:59,772
Were you molested as a child?
309
00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:01,190
- No.
- You know what?
310
00:15:01,525 --> 00:15:04,944
Seriously, I was. I think I was.
311
00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:07,989
My crazy Uncle Andy used to walk
around the house bottomless
312
00:15:08,073 --> 00:15:09,699
when he babysat us.
313
00:15:09,783 --> 00:15:10,867
Does that count?
314
00:15:10,951 --> 00:15:14,412
Yes, of course it counts, Marcy.
315
00:15:14,538 --> 00:15:17,707
The penis is not only
a disgusting appendage,
316
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,251
it is also a deadly weapon.
317
00:15:20,377 --> 00:15:22,670
And in my new book,
the one you just titled,
318
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:25,256
I advocate the use of a cock cage.
319
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:28,134
It's like a male chastity device.
320
00:15:28,469 --> 00:15:31,387
And honestly,
I really think it should be...
321
00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:33,514
What is that? We didn't order those.
322
00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:36,017
These are courtesy
of the gentlemen over there.
323
00:15:36,101 --> 00:15:38,061
- That's so sweet.
- Oh, snap.
324
00:15:38,145 --> 00:15:39,854
- How dare they?
- Thank you.
325
00:15:39,980 --> 00:15:41,606
Still got it.
326
00:15:41,899 --> 00:15:44,025
- Ladies.
- Hi.
327
00:15:44,109 --> 00:15:45,485
Hey.
328
00:15:45,569 --> 00:15:48,613
Hello, boys. Yes, we are ladies.
329
00:15:48,697 --> 00:15:50,490
And we appreciate your interest,
330
00:15:50,574 --> 00:15:54,577
but this overture was ill-conceived
and amateurishly executed.
331
00:15:54,828 --> 00:15:56,454
So, if you buy us enough of these,
332
00:15:56,705 --> 00:15:58,456
then we're just supposed
to spread our legs
333
00:15:58,540 --> 00:16:00,500
and suck your dirty cocks.
334
00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:02,210
Is that the deal?
That's the deal, right?
335
00:16:02,336 --> 00:16:03,920
That's the implied contract.
336
00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:06,464
That wouldn't be the worst way
to end an evening, would it?
337
00:16:08,008 --> 00:16:09,759
Well, I guess not.
338
00:16:09,843 --> 00:16:12,512
But, what about the morning after,
339
00:16:12,596 --> 00:16:15,181
when we wake up
with savage morning breath
340
00:16:15,265 --> 00:16:18,476
and really bad gas from
all this beautiful stinky cheese?
341
00:16:18,686 --> 00:16:21,854
Will your morning wood last
through our explosive diarrhoea?
342
00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:26,776
Will your love see us through
our hormonal fluctuations,
343
00:16:26,860 --> 00:16:29,237
perimenopause,
and total ovarian shutdown?
344
00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:30,989
Because we're women, guys.
345
00:16:31,615 --> 00:16:33,324
And we fucking age.
346
00:16:33,575 --> 00:16:36,327
We don't remain
eager little fuck toys forever.
347
00:16:36,453 --> 00:16:40,039
So how about it?
You still want to buy us a drink?
348
00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:41,416
What do you mean no?
349
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:43,459
Was it something I said?
What happened?
350
00:16:43,585 --> 00:16:45,461
You don't... Can I have your number?
351
00:16:46,630 --> 00:16:50,091
What, you going back to your mommies?
You fucking infants.
352
00:16:50,175 --> 00:16:53,011
That was incredible, Marcy.
353
00:16:53,220 --> 00:16:55,805
You just took ownership
of your she-ness.
354
00:16:55,931 --> 00:16:57,223
- Sweating.
- That was just...
355
00:16:57,307 --> 00:16:59,350
- Thank you.
- That's not even a word.
356
00:16:59,435 --> 00:17:00,810
- Thank you.
- It is a word.
357
00:17:00,894 --> 00:17:02,603
It was the title of my first book.
358
00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:05,732
All right, who is up for dessert?
359
00:17:11,947 --> 00:17:14,073
Rachel has a big crush on Charlie.
360
00:17:14,158 --> 00:17:17,035
- Why?
- He's cute.
361
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:20,538
You know, he is cute.
362
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:24,459
I give the guy a lot of shit,
but he's pretty fucking adorable.
363
00:17:25,002 --> 00:17:27,170
In a walking,
life-size penis kind of a way,
364
00:17:27,254 --> 00:17:29,047
like a PEZ dispenser.
365
00:17:29,214 --> 00:17:30,798
It's too bad he's a mo.
366
00:17:31,216 --> 00:17:32,300
He's no mo.
367
00:17:32,593 --> 00:17:33,760
He's not?
368
00:17:33,844 --> 00:17:36,137
No, he's just pretending.
He wanted to sign the Mac attack.
369
00:17:36,805 --> 00:17:38,681
The man does what he has to do.
370
00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:40,516
He's a fucking closer, my boy.
371
00:17:40,642 --> 00:17:42,268
You should go up to him
and tell him you dig his steeze.
372
00:17:42,603 --> 00:17:44,979
Yeah, he'll be so chuffed,
he'll probably come in his pants.
373
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:47,565
You should stand back a few feet.
Seriously, keep your hands up.
374
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:50,651
- Charlie, I want to thank you.
- You are welcome.
375
00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:53,446
I was coming out of rehab,
and you took me into your loving arms.
376
00:17:53,655 --> 00:17:55,198
I've never felt so protected.
377
00:17:55,282 --> 00:17:56,365
That's what I do, Robbie.
378
00:17:56,617 --> 00:17:58,159
I'm so glad I let you service me.
379
00:17:58,368 --> 00:18:00,661
I'm happy to be servicing you.
380
00:18:01,830 --> 00:18:03,664
I think we should make love.
381
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:06,084
What?
382
00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:08,586
We should fuck.
Once at the very least.
383
00:18:10,172 --> 00:18:12,715
- Why?
- Because there's tension here.
384
00:18:12,841 --> 00:18:14,675
You're obviously attracted to me,
385
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:16,427
and while I'm not
physically attracted to you,
386
00:18:17,137 --> 00:18:22,725
I do feel enormously grateful,
which can be even hotter sometimes.
387
00:18:23,018 --> 00:18:24,435
I think you should blow me
for a while,
388
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:27,647
and then I could finish up in that
cute, little doughy butt of yours.
389
00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:29,190
What do you say?
390
00:18:30,609 --> 00:18:32,151
Think about it.
391
00:18:32,319 --> 00:18:34,320
I'll be back.
392
00:18:38,158 --> 00:18:41,369
Charlie? I know your secret, Charlie.
393
00:18:41,662 --> 00:18:42,954
You do?
394
00:18:43,038 --> 00:18:46,082
- I know you're just pretending.
- I am?
395
00:18:46,875 --> 00:18:48,501
- I am.
- Yeah.
396
00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:52,964
I just wanted you to know
that I have always had a crush on you.
397
00:18:53,090 --> 00:18:56,467
I temped on your desk years back,
and I thought about telling you,
398
00:18:56,593 --> 00:18:59,095
but then you got fired
for the masturbation video,
399
00:18:59,221 --> 00:19:01,222
and I missed my chance.
400
00:19:02,015 --> 00:19:05,309
If you have a moment,
I'd love to suck your dick.
401
00:19:08,188 --> 00:19:12,275
Why did you even do the movie?
It was such an epic piece of shit.
402
00:19:12,401 --> 00:19:15,361
Crazy Little Thing made close
to $300 million worldwide.
403
00:19:15,487 --> 00:19:18,114
It cost $50.
It made my fucking career.
404
00:19:18,198 --> 00:19:21,033
- And it tainted mine.
- Please, you tainted your own career.
405
00:19:21,201 --> 00:19:23,202
You're incredibly difficult
to work with.
406
00:19:23,537 --> 00:19:25,246
Yeah, right. Cos I wouldn't put out?
407
00:19:25,414 --> 00:19:27,039
Yeah. I don't even remember this
little incident
408
00:19:27,124 --> 00:19:28,708
- you keep prattling on about.
- Bullshit.
409
00:19:28,792 --> 00:19:31,794
We were sitting in your office,
on your couch, just like this.
410
00:19:31,879 --> 00:19:34,672
And you leaned over,
and you smooched me.
411
00:19:38,427 --> 00:19:39,677
Just like that.
412
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:43,306
And I do believe that you
even put your hand on my leg...
413
00:19:43,390 --> 00:19:45,391
Something like this.
414
00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:48,477
- Ring a bell?
- If you say so.
415
00:19:48,687 --> 00:19:50,897
I don't know if it's all
the gay sex talking or not,
416
00:19:50,981 --> 00:19:52,815
but you're looking pretty
fucking good to me right now.
417
00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:55,193
Wow. Aren't you a charmer?
418
00:19:55,277 --> 00:19:58,654
I still think you're
mean, petty, and vindictive.
419
00:19:58,822 --> 00:20:00,656
But I'm thinking maybe
we should hate-fuck,
420
00:20:00,782 --> 00:20:04,118
- you know, get the poison out.
- If you say so.
421
00:20:04,244 --> 00:20:07,205
So you admit it, you're still into me.
422
00:20:07,831 --> 00:20:10,124
I'm sorry. I changed my mind.
423
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:13,920
Fuck you.
424
00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:27,308
I am so fucking straight right now.
425
00:20:28,143 --> 00:20:29,268
OK.
426
00:20:30,854 --> 00:20:32,438
Mammary glands.
427
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:34,815
OK, OK, Charlie, just wait a second.
428
00:20:35,025 --> 00:20:38,152
Charlie, I need to go pee
and put my diaphragm in.
429
00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:39,695
- Awesome!
- OK.
430
00:20:39,780 --> 00:20:41,030
- You do that!
- Yeah.
431
00:20:41,114 --> 00:20:42,782
You do that. God!
432
00:20:42,991 --> 00:20:45,451
I love hearing
about all that girly stuff.
433
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:51,332
Yes?
434
00:20:53,168 --> 00:20:55,044
Yes!
435
00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:59,298
Charlie, are you ready for me?
436
00:21:00,676 --> 00:21:02,635
Yes, you are.
437
00:21:02,970 --> 00:21:05,513
You got all naked for Robbie.
438
00:21:06,181 --> 00:21:07,556
Here...
439
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:09,642
Take a look.
440
00:21:09,851 --> 00:21:13,104
- That's British steel.
- Wow.
441
00:21:13,772 --> 00:21:16,315
That is an impressive rig
you got there, Robbie.
442
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:20,778
Solid. Solid cock and balls, that...
443
00:21:21,238 --> 00:21:23,406
That's some real
movie-star shit right there.
444
00:21:23,532 --> 00:21:25,324
Thanks, Charlie.
445
00:21:25,617 --> 00:21:29,412
You want to wrap your lips
around this piece or what?
446
00:21:30,580 --> 00:21:33,082
Well, it's really
kind of you to offer...
447
00:21:33,166 --> 00:21:35,251
Charlie, what are you doing?
448
00:21:35,544 --> 00:21:37,586
Put some fucking clothes on,
girl, that shit is foul.
449
00:21:37,671 --> 00:21:39,547
- Charlie, what the fuck is this?
- She came on to me.
450
00:21:39,756 --> 00:21:42,133
She wouldn't take no for an answer.
She tried to rape me.
451
00:21:42,384 --> 00:21:45,594
I wouldn't touch her with your dick.
Really, really, she's disgusting.
452
00:21:45,721 --> 00:21:47,305
You are a fucking asshole!
453
00:21:47,472 --> 00:21:50,099
You know what, Robbie?
He is just pretending to be gay.
454
00:21:50,225 --> 00:21:52,018
I don't believe that for a second.
455
00:21:52,144 --> 00:21:53,811
- Charlie?
- No! Fuck, no.
456
00:21:54,813 --> 00:21:57,023
Moment of truth, Charlie.
457
00:21:57,774 --> 00:22:01,152
Open up and say...
458
00:22:05,115 --> 00:22:06,991
I can't!
459
00:22:07,075 --> 00:22:09,118
I got Hep-C?
460
00:22:09,786 --> 00:22:11,370
Guess what, buddy.
461
00:22:12,122 --> 00:22:13,789
Me too.
462
00:22:14,458 --> 00:22:15,791
Come on, let's do this.
Suck that shit.
463
00:22:15,876 --> 00:22:19,628
OK, but really, my bigger concern is,
464
00:22:19,713 --> 00:22:24,050
what is this going to do
to our professional relationship?
465
00:22:24,259 --> 00:22:27,053
I think it's going to make
things a lot fucking hotter.
466
00:22:27,262 --> 00:22:28,679
OK.
467
00:22:29,014 --> 00:22:30,431
Would you take a hand job?
468
00:22:31,224 --> 00:22:35,770
I think that there is a party
in your mouth tonight, Charlie Runkle,
469
00:22:36,146 --> 00:22:38,147
and I'm coming.
470
00:22:38,523 --> 00:22:41,650
OK. OK.
471
00:22:44,404 --> 00:22:47,740
OK! I can't! I can't!
472
00:22:47,908 --> 00:22:51,702
I'm sorry. I just... I can't.
I'm straight as an arrow.
473
00:22:52,287 --> 00:22:53,454
I'm not perfectly straight.
474
00:22:53,538 --> 00:22:55,748
If I was in prison right now,
I'd probably be a total slut.
475
00:22:55,874 --> 00:23:00,002
But in the real world,
I definitely prefer the fairer sex.
476
00:23:00,670 --> 00:23:03,923
I'm so sorry, Robbie. I'm so sorry.
477
00:23:04,091 --> 00:23:06,550
I just...
I'm such a big fan, and I just...
478
00:23:06,635 --> 00:23:08,052
I got caught up in a lie.
479
00:23:08,136 --> 00:23:10,888
You are a liar and a coward,
Charlie Runkle.
480
00:23:11,264 --> 00:23:13,057
Yes. Yes, I am.
481
00:23:13,225 --> 00:23:14,308
You know what else you are?
482
00:23:17,771 --> 00:23:19,271
Fired.
483
00:23:21,858 --> 00:23:23,359
See?
484
00:23:23,443 --> 00:23:26,987
I feel the toxins about
to release from my body.
485
00:23:27,072 --> 00:23:28,280
Isn't this much better?
486
00:23:28,365 --> 00:23:32,118
All the resentment is about
to just explode out of me.
487
00:23:32,786 --> 00:23:35,121
We should have done this years ago.
488
00:23:37,499 --> 00:23:39,917
Your career would probably be
in a lot better shape.
489
00:23:40,043 --> 00:23:43,045
Maybe. You never know. I've always
been quite the self-saboteur.
490
00:23:44,881 --> 00:23:47,091
- Hank?
- Yes, Charles?
491
00:23:47,467 --> 00:23:51,095
Hank, I've been found out.
The jig is up, Hank.
492
00:23:51,221 --> 00:23:52,304
I've been "inned."
493
00:23:52,889 --> 00:23:54,723
Can you give me a few minutes?
494
00:23:54,808 --> 00:23:56,517
Just a few?
495
00:23:57,310 --> 00:24:00,187
Listen, lady, I'm enjoying
your whole... This.
496
00:24:00,647 --> 00:24:03,816
But I'm not exactly sure
how I feel about you in general.
497
00:24:03,900 --> 00:24:07,570
You know, you did fire me
and then had me rewritten,
498
00:24:07,696 --> 00:24:09,280
which led to a nasty chain of events,
499
00:24:09,364 --> 00:24:12,867
which, in turn, led to
a devastating downward spiral.
500
00:24:12,951 --> 00:24:16,328
So don't let the hardness
of Hank Jr. fool you.
501
00:24:16,496 --> 00:24:18,038
That shit did not sit well with me.
502
00:24:18,415 --> 00:24:21,375
Would you guys be interested
in a third, by any chance?
503
00:24:21,543 --> 00:24:23,335
I'm fucking horny as hell right now.
504
00:24:28,550 --> 00:24:32,636
Once a bottom-feeder,
always a bottom-feeder.
505
00:24:37,017 --> 00:24:38,601
Fuck you, Hank.
506
00:24:40,604 --> 00:24:41,812
Should we assume the deal is off?
507
00:24:41,938 --> 00:24:44,440
Of course the deal is off, Hank!
508
00:24:44,608 --> 00:24:48,110
And if the deal is off,
I'm fired as fuck right now!
509
00:24:53,116 --> 00:24:55,951
And the thing they never tell you
is how hard it is
510
00:24:56,077 --> 00:24:59,330
growing up,
finding your place in the world,
511
00:24:59,414 --> 00:25:01,332
accepting your fate.
512
00:25:01,791 --> 00:25:04,043
But if you're lucky,
you have someone in your life
513
00:25:04,127 --> 00:25:05,586
who gets you...
514
00:25:06,004 --> 00:25:07,963
Who accepts you for who you are...
515
00:25:08,381 --> 00:25:11,842
Whoever so gently
nudges you towards your destiny.
516
00:25:13,094 --> 00:25:16,764
So, yeah, I guess you could say
I was born to be a writer,
517
00:25:17,432 --> 00:25:21,435
which is weird, because I definitely
wanted something else for myself.
518
00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:23,312
Something big...
519
00:25:23,522 --> 00:25:24,939
Larger than life.
520
00:25:25,148 --> 00:25:28,275
But it's a waste of time,
wanting things,
521
00:25:28,527 --> 00:25:30,903
because sooner or later,
the thing that wants you
522
00:25:30,987 --> 00:25:33,906
is just going to come up
and tap you on the shoulder.
523
00:25:35,075 --> 00:25:37,576
And you might want to be ready.
524
00:25:49,172 --> 00:25:51,006
Good evening, ladies.
525
00:25:52,384 --> 00:25:54,552
- Fuck you, Hank.
- What did I do?
526
00:25:54,636 --> 00:25:57,888
You have a penis
and she's embracing her she-ness.
527
00:25:57,973 --> 00:25:59,098
You can't come in.
528
00:25:59,182 --> 00:26:01,684
I like your poetry, woman,
but I don't understand.
529
00:26:01,935 --> 00:26:04,353
You don't need to. It's OK.
So what's up?
530
00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:05,813
What's up? I'll tell you what's up.
531
00:26:05,897 --> 00:26:08,315
Our daughter's pretty
fucking talented. That's what's up.
532
00:26:08,441 --> 00:26:11,360
I know. You came all this way
to tell me something I already know?
533
00:26:11,444 --> 00:26:14,947
No, I came all this way
to tell you how sorry I am
534
00:26:15,031 --> 00:26:17,491
for my shameful self-indulgence
over the past few months.
535
00:26:20,036 --> 00:26:22,788
It's OK.
You don't owe me anything, Hank.
536
00:26:22,914 --> 00:26:24,623
I'm just glad
that you're feeling better.
537
00:26:24,749 --> 00:26:27,251
I do. I feel better.
538
00:26:27,419 --> 00:26:30,421
And now that I'm relatively
clean and soberish,
539
00:26:30,922 --> 00:26:34,592
I'm painfully aware
of how we left things.
540
00:26:34,759 --> 00:26:36,594
It's just... I mean...
541
00:26:36,761 --> 00:26:38,762
- It's all so...
- Unresolved?
542
00:26:38,847 --> 00:26:41,807
Yes, exactly. Yes.
543
00:26:42,767 --> 00:26:45,352
It may have to stay
that way for a while.
544
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:48,981
I figured as much.
But we should reconvene again
545
00:26:49,065 --> 00:26:52,151
and talk about this,
the state of our union and whatnot.
546
00:26:52,235 --> 00:26:54,028
Sometime soon.
547
00:26:55,030 --> 00:26:56,947
- Let's play it by ear.
- OK, we will.
548
00:26:57,073 --> 00:26:58,657
We'll play it by ear.
549
00:26:58,783 --> 00:26:59,867
But in the meantime,
550
00:26:59,951 --> 00:27:03,329
because of our pure-of-heart
little munchkin beautiful daughter,
551
00:27:03,496 --> 00:27:05,289
I'm going off to write something.
552
00:27:05,373 --> 00:27:07,291
- You're going to write something?
- I don't know what it is.
553
00:27:07,375 --> 00:27:08,459
Really?
554
00:27:08,543 --> 00:27:09,960
I'm going to make
my intentions known, Karen.
555
00:27:10,045 --> 00:27:11,837
- Put it down on paper.
- Interesting.
556
00:27:11,963 --> 00:27:14,173
- Prepare to be John Woo'd.
- I will.
557
00:27:14,257 --> 00:27:16,675
I'm excited for you. Good.
558
00:27:16,843 --> 00:27:21,013
And I'm OK with all this.
I'm relatively sanguine.
559
00:27:21,181 --> 00:27:24,350
In fact, I am the sanguinator.
560
00:27:26,061 --> 00:27:28,145
Good night.
561
00:27:31,775 --> 00:27:33,817
- So...
- Good. OK.
562
00:27:33,902 --> 00:27:34,985
Till we meet again.
563
00:27:37,697 --> 00:27:40,991
- Good night, Karen.
- Good night, Hank.
43086
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