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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:05,000 Ten, nine, eight... 2 00:00:05,040 --> 00:00:10,200 You've been underperforming for too long. That stops today. 3 00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:13,960 Seven, six... 4 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:15,960 five... 5 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:19,800 Close down another 50 cases or else. 6 00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:21,720 ..four... 7 00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:23,680 three... Denise, I can't... 8 00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:25,840 Tardiness will not be tolerated. 9 00:00:25,880 --> 00:00:28,600 ..two... My code isn't working so I can't open the door. 10 00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:30,560 ..one. Time's up. 11 00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:32,800 Both of you, that's a disciplinary. 12 00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:34,960 Look, Denise, I was there with 11 seconds to spare, 13 00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:36,480 I don't know if you saw me. 14 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:40,520 But code's not working, so could you let me off once? Nope. 15 00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:44,760 Don't take it, Nit, she won't respect you. 16 00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:46,840 Just think of her as an unforgiving lover. 17 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:49,680 God... 18 00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:51,560 Right, I'm reviewing everyone's caseload. 19 00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:54,720 I need updates with a view to closing the case on the Hortons NAI, 20 00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:57,280 the 45-day assessment period is up. 21 00:00:57,320 --> 00:00:59,960 The Millwoods foster kid who keyed every car in his road, 22 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:01,440 has he been reallocated? 23 00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:04,000 And where is the background check on Jerry Donagh? 24 00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:05,560 Oh, I've done that, I've done that. 25 00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:09,120 Erm, yes, he's changed his name, but he's definitely the same 26 00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:13,160 children's entertainer who called that four-year-old a cunt. 27 00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:16,720 No-one leaves before 6pm. 28 00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:20,240 There will be a headcount at the end of the day. Questions. 29 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:21,640 Oh, yes, erm... 30 00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:24,800 Ingrid, welcome back. I trust you've made a full recovery. 31 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:28,840 Well, yes, but I think I may have just ruptured my stitches, so... 32 00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:32,480 I'm, um... Natalie, make Ingrid a cup of tea, would you, please? 33 00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:35,240 No, I should just get straight to HR. I think it's... 34 00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:39,280 It's, erm, it's not good. 35 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:44,000 Everyone else, work. 36 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:47,280 You've got until six o'clock. 37 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:49,880 Oh, shit. Why is she bringing the hammer down today? 38 00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:51,680 I was planning to get away at lunchtime 39 00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:53,120 and get the Eurostar with Caitlin. 40 00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:55,760 Look, we'll have to revert to those sort of primary school tactics, 41 00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:57,960 you know, where you splash your forehead with hot water 42 00:01:58,000 --> 00:01:59,880 and then you've got a temperature. 43 00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:01,760 Still, I bet she's got a thermometer. 44 00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:05,680 Yeah, an anal one, like some sort of medieval torture spike. 45 00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:07,840 Hey, speaking of medieval, how's Lee? 46 00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:09,080 Well, rather unexpectedly, 47 00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:11,800 he's agreed to take my mum to the GP today. 48 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:15,040 She's a bit out of control at home and I can't really cope. 49 00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:17,800 Oh, I think that's very nice of him. It's not like Audrey's HIS mum. 50 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:21,840 Don't say positive things about him, I forbid it. 51 00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:24,320 So, Denise wants to see us all at the end of the day. 52 00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:25,680 I just hope I haven't screwed it up 53 00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:27,640 because I really smelt a promotion there. 54 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:30,040 Al... And I can smell your aftershave. Jesus, what is it? 55 00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:31,120 Fly spray? 56 00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:34,320 Answer your bloody phone, Al! It's not bloody ringing, Nat. 57 00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:36,600 Oh, shit, sorry. PHONE RINGS 58 00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:37,960 Hello? Al Kavanagh speaking. 59 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:40,400 'This is about a baby in Superbrands.' Oh, right. 60 00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:43,080 Is it the same baby that was on top of a bus shelter last September? 61 00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:44,120 'Yeah, that's right.' 62 00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:47,320 Now it's in the crisp section of Superbrands. 63 00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:51,160 I've got an actual job to do, please don't waste my time. Cheerio. 64 00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:52,920 There's been a baby left in a supermarket, 65 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:54,800 are you seriously not going to do anything? 66 00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:57,320 Nat, it's so obviously a prank call. 67 00:02:57,360 --> 00:02:59,520 You just get a feel for which ones are genuine. 68 00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:01,520 We get loads of calls about that baby. 69 00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:04,160 It's been so many places - it's been in the floral display 70 00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:06,480 at the roundabout, up a tree in the park, 71 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:09,040 and it was in the changing rooms at the swimming pool. 72 00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:11,680 Maybe that's where we could house some of my Syrian family. 73 00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:14,600 Those poor Ghorani kids, haven't you got them anywhere yet? 74 00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:17,640 Al, on that note, the one that says he's 12, 75 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:20,000 he's actually 5'10" with a moustache. 76 00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:23,440 As he's an orphaned refugee, Nitin, he doesn't have any paperwork, 77 00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:25,680 so we kind of have to take his word for it. 78 00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:28,840 Anyway, it's bum fluff. Well, as long as you're sure about the baby. 79 00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:31,080 It sounded real to me. What sounded real? 80 00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:33,880 The call about the abandoned baby in Superbrands. 81 00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:37,120 Denise, it's so obviously a prank. Just get down there. 82 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:38,600 Why don't I ring first? 83 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:41,240 Cos Al's quite poorly, actually, 84 00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:43,480 and if he gets iller I can cover for him. 85 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:44,880 No, Al looks perfectly all right. 86 00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:47,320 I can't risk you being stuck in a queue for half an hour 87 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:49,040 while someone steals an infant. 88 00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:52,920 Take Nitin with you, and if there is a baby, I'll alert the police. 89 00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:56,960 Get your coat, Nitin, we're going baby hunting in Superbrands. 90 00:03:57,520 --> 00:03:59,600 'Mate, I was expecting that safe-dialling report 91 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:02,400 'five weeks ago.' 92 00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:06,040 Thanks for trying to get my back. Want some coffee? No, ta. 93 00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:09,360 Despite the fact I've got 29 more important things to do, 94 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:11,120 I've got to go baby hunting with Nitin, 95 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:12,800 so I thought I'd take a packed lunch. 96 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:15,480 Although, to be perfectly honest, there's nothing in here that 97 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:18,440 would encourage someone that didn't want to get salmonella. 98 00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:20,680 Lunch? It's quarter past nine. 99 00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:23,880 Elevenses, then. Got to keep my strength up. 100 00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:26,960 How are you feeling? Hmm? How are you feeling? 101 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:30,840 LOUDLY: Oh, erm, I'm a bit ill and I've got a terrible headache. 102 00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:33,600 Oh, dear, sounds like someone's suffering. 103 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:35,760 LOUDER: Poor you, Al. 104 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:38,480 (Wanting to get away for the weekend, are you?) 105 00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:41,280 Well, the walls have got very big ears, you know. Yeah. 106 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:44,880 Bit like me, Al. 107 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:47,160 Poor old Martin. You know, I can't stand it 108 00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:49,440 that Denise has let that thing go on so long. 109 00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:52,800 I can't stand Denise. Anyway, where are you taking Caitlin? 110 00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:55,160 Paris. Oh! 111 00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:58,600 Lee and I went to Lille because it was nearer and it was cheaper. 112 00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:02,080 Actually, fuck all that. Got pissed, had a row, came home. 113 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:04,360 Look, why can't you just ask Denise as a favour 114 00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:05,800 to let you off a bit early? 115 00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:08,760 Because you have to be seeing the white light at the tunnel's end 116 00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:11,200 before she'll even consider it. 117 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:13,920 Do you know, recently she's gone from benevolent dictator 118 00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:15,120 to Kim Jong-un. 119 00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:17,560 Which one's that? Looks like Michael McIntyre. 120 00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:19,320 Oh. 121 00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:21,920 What if Denise says no? I've got nowhere to go, then, have I? 122 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:24,160 I can't say, "Oh, it seems your refusal 123 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:28,200 "has brought on a vicious migraine." PHONE BLEEPS 124 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:30,520 Shit, it's the crisis centre. 125 00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:32,920 God, if I don't sort out something with those Syrian kids 126 00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:34,720 I'm going nowhere. 127 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:36,480 Wonder if Denise has got a spare room. 128 00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:38,840 No, I think that's been turned into an S&M dungeon 129 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,360 for the local councillors. 130 00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:43,000 Rose! What? 131 00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:45,360 You told me to put my coat on 20 minutes ago. 132 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:48,320 That's because I like to see a man shin-deep in nylon. 133 00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:51,560 All right, listen, I'm coming baby hunting, OK? Hang on. 134 00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:53,200 DOOR BLEEPS 135 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:57,240 Come on, then, let's go. 136 00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:01,120 What's the code? I'll do it. 137 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:02,960 DOOR BLEEPS That was the same as before 138 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:05,960 so what's happened...? Come on, come on! 139 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:10,000 HE MUTTERS 140 00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:16,240 Hello, can I help? Yeah, just here to see Denise Donnelly. 141 00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:18,280 Your name, please. It's Daisy Ronson. 142 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:21,720 Take a seat, I'll check she's free. 143 00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,000 Look, I've got to get a few bits and pieces. 144 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,480 Don't grass me up to Denise. It's very inappropriate, Rose. 145 00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:29,080 You shouldn't be wandering off to other areas of the supermarket, 146 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:31,440 we've got to stick to the aisle where the abandoned baby is. 147 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:33,720 The imaginary abandoned baby, you mean. 148 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:35,840 If I go to that aisle, all I can get is 149 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:39,320 a bumper variety pack of Walkers crisps for the kids' tea. 150 00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:41,040 No change there, then. 151 00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:42,400 Was that a joke, Nitin? 152 00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:44,120 I prefer to think of it as bants. 153 00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:46,360 Take it easy, you don't want to shoot your load 154 00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:50,400 too early on in the day. 155 00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:54,800 So, how would you feel about being on the sex offenders' register? 156 00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:56,400 Please, no! 157 00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:59,800 You, a professional employed in good faith by the local authority, 158 00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:02,960 appear to be in some sort of relationship with a pupil - my son. 159 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:04,320 I mean, if this is true, 160 00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:08,120 it's a gross dereliction of your duty and an indictable offence. 161 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:09,480 But in fairness to you, 162 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:12,160 I'm giving you the opportunity to explain yourself before I put 163 00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:14,920 in motion a series of events which will most certainly ruin 164 00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:17,280 your career, quite possibly your life. 165 00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:19,080 So the floor is yours. 166 00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:22,600 We exchanged some text messages and met once outside school. 167 00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:24,960 I swear to you I didn't sleep with him. 168 00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:26,640 Please, you've got to believe me! 169 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,920 I've been in social work for 30 years, I don't believe anyone. 170 00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:32,040 I'm telling the truth! 171 00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:34,880 I know I've been monumentally stupid, but please, 172 00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:37,840 please give me a chance. 173 00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:40,160 Consider yourself lucky, Miss Ronson. 174 00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:42,840 On this occasion, I will not inform the police. 175 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:46,040 But if you ever go near my son again, 176 00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:48,120 I will see you in prison. 177 00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:49,480 Get out. 178 00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:53,520 Wait! Give me your phone. 179 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,520 "Dear Daniel, 180 00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:02,560 "I have been diagnosed with genital herpes. Daisy." 181 00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:06,120 Send. 182 00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:08,440 That is an abuse of trust and power. 183 00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:10,400 Well, that makes two of us, then. 184 00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:12,160 You know what? 185 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:16,200 I think he just needed an adult in his life who would listen to him. 186 00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:19,280 Rose, I just wanted to say that if I do get a promotion, 187 00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:20,920 I don't want it to affect our friendship. 188 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:23,880 You're not getting a promotion and we're not friends. 189 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:27,920 Yes, Caitlin. A cringing, pathetic, boot-licking toady. 190 00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:32,120 That's a very accurate description on occasion. 'Yes, it is.' 191 00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:35,240 But then again, you don't have to ask your boss's permission 192 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:37,720 to go on a mini-break, do you? So... 193 00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:40,800 'No, it's just...' I'll be there. 'OK now.' OK? 194 00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:42,720 PHONE BLEEPS 195 00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:45,240 Come. 196 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:46,520 HE COUGHS 197 00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:48,200 You wanted to see me. 198 00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:50,040 Yes, Alastair. 199 00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:52,920 I didn't want to put this into an e-mail for various reasons... 200 00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:56,120 HE SHIVERS It's not that cold in here, is it? 201 00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:58,160 Perhaps you should wear a vest. 202 00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:00,000 I'm sick. 203 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:04,040 I'm ill. 204 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:06,920 My glands are all up. 205 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:10,960 I used to be St John Ambulance, you know. Oh. 206 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,360 HE SPLUTTERS 207 00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:17,360 Um, you're not hot. 208 00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:19,920 Look, give it a couple of hours. If you're no better... 209 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,240 I'll shoot off home to bed. 210 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:23,080 ..take an aspirin. 211 00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:26,040 The reason I called you in was to mention the incident 212 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:30,080 at Glenway School. The suspected child abuse. 213 00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:34,160 Well, yeah, I wouldn't go that far, but anyway, it's dealt with. 214 00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:36,280 But what exactly...? 215 00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:39,080 I'm not opening it to the floor for questions, OK? 216 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:40,960 Do I make myself clear? 217 00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:43,760 Right, well, while we're sharing confidences, 218 00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:47,800 perhaps I should make MYSELF clear and tell you that most of us 219 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:51,920 are aware of the GP letter about a certain colleague that 220 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:57,200 you mislaid and we are hoping that you will act on its contents. 221 00:09:57,600 --> 00:09:59,120 Cheerio. 222 00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:03,160 HE COUGHS 223 00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:09,080 Cornflour, cornflour. That's where I'm pointing. 224 00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:13,800 Look, hey, Lee, hang on, you're breaking up, you're breaking up. 225 00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:16,200 Rose, do you think maybe you're forgetting something? 226 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,520 I don't know, like what? Chocolate, Nobby's Nuts? 227 00:10:18,560 --> 00:10:21,120 No, it's one word, it's very important. 228 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:24,440 Piss off. That's two. I'll go find the baby. 229 00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:26,400 '..E-mail, my phone...' 230 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:30,160 Lee, I don't really want to hear this at the moment. I'm busy, OK? 231 00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,800 'Rose, what are you wearing?' What am I wearing? 232 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:35,440 We were together for 17 years and you choose this moment 233 00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:37,000 to try phone sex? 234 00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:38,760 It's all right, I know what you're wearing - 235 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:42,800 that scarf that makes you look like Axl Rose. 236 00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:44,800 What the fuck are you doing here? 237 00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:47,560 Where's Mum? Right, I don't want you to get angry, all right? 238 00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:50,320 I took Audrey to the GP but I forgot the list of questions you 239 00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:52,760 wanted me to ask, so when I got in there I didn't know what to say. 240 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:56,240 She's the one that's meant to have Alzheimer's, you dozy twat. 241 00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:59,400 What's the fucking point of you? I'm doing the family shop! 242 00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:02,640 Just go back to the GP and wait there till you're seen. 243 00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:06,640 More fun living in that caravan park. 244 00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:10,600 Missed! 245 00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:12,000 Baby's not by the crisps. 246 00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:14,480 Well, you could have got me some prawn cocktail. 247 00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:18,520 And it's a prank baby. 248 00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:21,480 There's the prank baby. 249 00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:23,500 Oh, shit. 250 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:31,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 251 00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:34,960 Hey. It wasn't a prank! 252 00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:37,600 Well done, Nat, you're an instinctive social worker. 253 00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:39,960 Really? No. 254 00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:41,880 Right, where's the boss lady? 255 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:44,480 I'm calling an emergency strat meeting. 256 00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:47,840 Nitin, get the paperwork going. Court order. 257 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:50,720 No, you do it, cos I've got the baby. Let Nat have the baby. 258 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:52,200 No, cos he likes me. 259 00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:54,240 Actually, yeah, you're all right. 260 00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:58,280 I think he needs a nappy change. 261 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:02,440 NOSE-BLOWING 262 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,480 Please, Alastair, I can't hear myself think. 263 00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:13,800 Lemony beverage, Al? Oh, thanks. You're a life-saver, Martin. 264 00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:16,360 Could I have a quadruple shot latte, please? 265 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:18,960 Actually, erm, Natalie, you can sort the coffees for today, 266 00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:20,480 can't you, dear? You sit down. 267 00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:22,280 Erm, OK. What about my minutes? 268 00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:25,440 Some might say that no minutes are better than your minutes, Nat. 269 00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:26,480 Oh, thanks, Al. 270 00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:28,280 I'm happy to take the minutes. 271 00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:29,920 Right, emergency measures - 272 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:33,120 we have an abandoned baby on the premises. 273 00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:34,920 SHE WHIMPERS Fine. 274 00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:36,600 It's probably a young mum who can't cope 275 00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:38,960 and has decided to leave it here to be cared for. 276 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,280 It could just be a mum's what they call nappy brain 277 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:43,200 who's forgotten she's got a baby. 278 00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:45,840 It's quite common, I think, because of sleep deprivation. 279 00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:48,720 Well, I don't subscribe to that theory. I managed. 280 00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:49,840 Well, I didn't. 281 00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:53,360 I drove once with the baby in the car seat on the roof of the car. 282 00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:56,480 Was it OK? No, it fell off into the path of a school bus. 283 00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:59,200 Oh, God, how awful! Sorry, Rose. 284 00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:00,880 Nat, it's a joke. 285 00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:03,800 Did you honestly think I'd still be a social worker if I'd done that? 286 00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:04,880 ALL: Yes. 287 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:07,720 Can we please get back to dealing with the baby issue? 288 00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:09,560 Paediatrician's report? 289 00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:12,400 INGRID WHIMPERS Ingrid, you all right? 290 00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:16,440 Well, it's just that the constant mention of babies and children is... 291 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:20,440 I'm finding a bit challenging. You picked the wrong job, love. 292 00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:22,880 Bit insensitive. She's just had all her gear whipped out. 293 00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:24,520 Nat! 294 00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:26,080 I'm fine. 295 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:28,880 Ingrid, you're clearly not fine. What did HR say? 296 00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:31,320 Well, no, they did recommend that I take further time off, 297 00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:34,520 but I was absolutely adamant because you need me here, 298 00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:38,040 so if I could just get a couple of physical needs met, 299 00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:39,760 then I will be fine. 300 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:42,040 Such as? AL: Here we go. 301 00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:45,120 A robotic back support and, erm, 302 00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:47,480 if I could have nobody working to my left 303 00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:49,520 because that's not good, so... 304 00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:53,480 Why don't you just go home and I will talk to HR? 305 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:56,480 Alastair, you'll have to stay late to wrap up her caseload. 306 00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:57,640 What?! 307 00:13:57,680 --> 00:14:01,680 Al, let me know if I can be of any assistance. 308 00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:05,480 She's already got a memory foam cushion, a green screen, 309 00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:08,360 a special bit of floor, she won't go on a client visit 310 00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:11,000 that's more than 20 minutes from a lavatorial facility... 311 00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:13,000 Well, none of that is her fault, Alastair. 312 00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:16,000 However, I am going to extend her sick leave because 313 00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:18,520 I literally cannot cope with her face. 314 00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:21,160 Could I be excused too? No, Alastair, sit down. 315 00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:24,200 I've got some aspirin in my bag. 316 00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:26,640 Bloody bag of broken dreams. 317 00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:28,520 Yeah, she is, isn't she? 318 00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:30,760 So, how are you actually following up? 319 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,760 We're checking with the hospitals to see if they can help, 320 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:35,880 any young mothers acting weird and mental. 321 00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:38,120 Well, that'd be most young mothers, then. 322 00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:40,680 Well, let's keep on it and, Alastair, while you're here, 323 00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:44,720 take us through where you are on housing those children from Syria. 324 00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:48,160 No-one's contacted us yet. 325 00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:50,400 It's like this baby landed from another planet. 326 00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:53,640 Like an alien. Or like baby Jesus! 327 00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:56,560 Or like neither! So, let's just... 328 00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:58,080 Baby's got to sleep. 329 00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:02,120 One message from Caitlin asking me to bring fleeces and sun cream 330 00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:05,440 because the weather is changeable, and a further nine messages 331 00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:08,360 saying she will chuck me if I'm not at the station. 332 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:12,400 Al, come with me. Come on. 333 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:23,920 # Al got sickee, didn't he? 334 00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:27,800 ♪ Cos he wants to get of workee! ♪ 335 00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:28,960 Oh, my God! 336 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:33,000 So, Martin, I've been drowning in a sea of financial constraints 337 00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:37,080 and administrative sewage, so I've been less than efficient 338 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:41,240 in scrutinising the updates from your GP. 339 00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:44,360 Well, I was wondering why things weren't moving along 340 00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:48,400 as quickly as I thought they would with my return to work. 341 00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:53,280 But it has to be said that the interim period of popping in 342 00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:58,840 and just observing and being there for everyone has been very helpful. 343 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:04,200 In fact, I could say it's made me well again. 344 00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:08,360 All this time, it's been staring me in the face. 345 00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:11,080 URGENT KNOCKING 346 00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:14,080 Hello. Someone quick. One second. Hello! 347 00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:15,880 Oi, you! Please! 348 00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:17,160 Please! 349 00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:21,200 This is more urgent. OK, OK. It's important. OK. 350 00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:24,800 We need urgent help, please, my wife left her baby somewhere. Our baby. 351 00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:27,160 That's what I said. No, you just said it was my baby. 352 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:29,720 You're the one who left the child and you want to argue about 353 00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:32,120 who's more observant? I know, it's fucking awful, OK? 354 00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:35,320 Shh, all right! It's dreadful, Zak! What if we never get him back? 355 00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:37,040 What if something's happened to him? 356 00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:39,400 You know, I literally do not have time for this. 357 00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:42,080 Please, the supermarket told us to come here. 358 00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:44,640 Can you just tell us if you have any idea where our baby is? 359 00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:46,280 Listen, pal, I'll tell you... 360 00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:48,240 I'll explain something to you right now, OK? 361 00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:51,120 If you do not help us to find our baby, I'm going to get on the phone 362 00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:54,360 to a very important human rights lawyer who just happens to be... 363 00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,840 Don't, for fuck's sake! ..a close personal... 364 00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:59,680 Zak, just stop... Well, how are you helping? ..stupid! 365 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:01,640 Right, I'm calling. He's ignored me, that's it. 366 00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:04,520 No! That's it. Look, the most important thing is our fucking baby. 367 00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:07,320 And this will get him back. I just have to be positive. 368 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,640 I can't deal with this. Oh, my God! 369 00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:13,680 HE GROANS 370 00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:17,760 Oh, now, that really is very good. 371 00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:20,280 Yes, even I would believe you're genuinely ill. 372 00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:21,960 I'm bloody ill. 373 00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:24,480 It's the memory of last night's sushi combined with 374 00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:25,800 the toxic fridge box. 375 00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:28,720 Perhaps it's a judgment on you for trying to bunk off early. 376 00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:30,720 Could you... 377 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:32,520 call Caitlin for me? 378 00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:35,920 Ask her to come and collect me, please. 379 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,520 'Hello, this is Caitlin.' 380 00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:40,440 It's gone to message. 'Leave a message and speak clearly.' 381 00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:43,080 Oh, dear. Caitlin sounds a bit stern. 382 00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:47,080 The way she said "speak clearly" is enough to make you stammer. 383 00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:49,960 Sophie is exhausted but the Mumsnet community pressured her into 384 00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:51,880 breast-feeding, which I didn't think was... 385 00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:54,040 Are you going to take our baby away from us or not? 386 00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:55,480 They can't do that. No, I'm not. 387 00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:58,920 But please do try to be a little bit more vigilant in the future. 388 00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:00,680 Yes, I will, I will. Yeah. 389 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:02,960 And, Sophie, get some sleep. 390 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:07,000 Thank you. 391 00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:13,840 Is that it? We're just going to let them go? 392 00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:15,840 That man isn't fit to be a parent. 393 00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:18,040 I should have initiated Section 47. 394 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,560 MCWD. What? 395 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,240 Middle class, well dressed. 396 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:24,840 Generally considered to be less of a risk. 397 00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:27,240 We tend to let them go with a mild ticking off. 398 00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:28,920 Is that a policy? 399 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:31,160 More of an unspoken ethic. You'll learn. 400 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:34,080 Although, fuck me, I'd rather bring kids up with Lee 401 00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:38,120 than that fuck-stick. 402 00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:41,240 Right, everyone, stop working. 403 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:42,760 Quiet, please. Quiet, please! 404 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:44,920 Yes, all right, Nitin, I don't need your help. 405 00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:47,920 OK, in view of my recent observations, 406 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:51,240 I am going to make some departmental changes. 407 00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:54,280 This is it, people, it's judgment day. GROANS AND MURMURS 408 00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:57,400 For heaven's sake, it's like being a teacher again! 409 00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:58,920 Shh! Quiet! 410 00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:00,480 SILENCE 411 00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:02,920 This department is a mess. 412 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:05,160 People are slap dash, reports sloppy, 413 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:09,200 communications unclear, you're late, generally underperforming. 414 00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:13,800 So, in light of Ingrid's recent departure, I have decided to 415 00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:17,440 have a reshuffle and put someone permanently in charge. 416 00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:20,840 KNOCKING 417 00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:22,440 Who's that? 418 00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:24,640 Oh, dear, I think that's Caitlin. 419 00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:27,640 This is exactly the lack of professionalism I'm talking about. 420 00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:29,840 Where's Al? ALL: Through there. 421 00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:33,600 Are you taking the piss? ALL: No. 422 00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:37,360 So, in the past three months, we have had Rose, 423 00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:40,440 who right under my nose has been trying to look after 424 00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:42,840 her poor mother in work time. 425 00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:44,520 Don't think I haven't noticed, Rose. 426 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:45,800 Well, in my defence, 427 00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:48,960 I was just trying to do a good thing for someone that I love. 428 00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:51,680 Aren't we supposed to be looking after people? 429 00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:53,800 It's not like I was skiving off to the bookie's. 430 00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:56,760 You don't think I realise we're here to look after people? 431 00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:59,400 You think I'm standing here bleating about standards and outcomes 432 00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:01,160 because I'm Alan Sugar with tits? 433 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,840 You're in the front line, I get that, 434 00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:04,840 and what you're dealing with is horrendous. 435 00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:08,880 But I have to deal with 1,000 George Osborne clones who seem 436 00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:12,720 to get a sexual kick out of telling me that there's no money, 437 00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:15,440 just an extra helping of tough shit, 438 00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:18,200 and all the logistics and admin makes me 439 00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:20,560 forget about all the families out there who we're supposed 440 00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:23,480 to be helping but in fact we're failing day in, day out 441 00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:25,960 because the people above me have all the conscience 442 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,720 of Hitler's lost bollock! 443 00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:30,760 DOOR SLAMS 444 00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:34,800 ALL: Bye! Piss off! 445 00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:38,400 In terms of promotion, 446 00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:40,680 I have decided 447 00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:42,760 to pass over Nitin, 448 00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:45,320 and you, Rose, and Alastair, 449 00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:48,880 and I am going to promote Martin. 450 00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:51,680 Who better than someone who has really got to know 451 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:54,240 the foibles of the workforce over the last few months? 452 00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:58,280 Who has a font of goodness and optimism, 453 00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:01,520 which I pray will protect you 454 00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:04,280 and buffer you from the stresses of the job, 455 00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:06,920 at least for the first six weeks. 456 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:09,800 So... 457 00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:12,920 Congratulations, Martin! 458 00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:16,960 Everyone, have a good weekend. I'm off to get drunk. 459 00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:23,280 CHEERING 460 00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:25,920 PHONE RINGS 461 00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:28,520 Lee? 462 00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:32,520 Mum's been admitted to hospital - she's got a urinary tract infection. 463 00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:34,000 Yes! Right. 464 00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:36,200 Well, I know it's not life-threatening, 465 00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:37,440 but why so pleased? 466 00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:41,480 Weekend off, Lee's having the kids, I can have a lie-down. Result. 467 00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:44,280 Oh, sorry, how are you? Shit. 468 00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:46,200 Caitlin's gone to France without me. 469 00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:49,240 And Denise has promoted Martin. Yeah, could have been worse. 470 00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:51,240 Could have been Nitin. 471 00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:54,240 Ah, come on, Al, tidy your desk, will you? Then you can go home. 472 00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:56,880 And, Rose, I will see you 9am sharp on Monday morning 473 00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:59,200 and I will not look kindly on latecomers. 474 00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:02,880 Ha-ha-ha! 475 00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:06,120 Actually, I mean that. Oh. 476 00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:09,360 Ooh... 477 00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:13,400 That's better. 478 00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:17,720 I'm not tidying my desk. 479 00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:26,520 SHE KNOCKS 480 00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:30,520 Oh, hello. 481 00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:32,360 Al... 482 00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:34,760 Oh. Rose? 483 00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:38,600 Meet Amira, Ayana, Reema and Fareed. Welcome. 484 00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:41,480 It's only for a few days - I could do with the company. 485 00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:45,520 Oh, poor old you. Anyway, I'm the bearer of good news. 486 00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:47,680 Denise has had a stroke. 487 00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:50,040 Martin is marrying Ingrid. 488 00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:51,880 Lee's been castrated. 489 00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:54,800 There's been an incident in the Tunnel and Eurostar 490 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:57,280 is going to be stranded all night. 491 00:22:57,320 --> 00:23:01,320 THEY CHEER 492 00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:10,000 # People, they ain't no good 493 00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:16,400 # I think that's well understood 494 00:23:19,120 --> 00:23:26,200 ♪ People just ain't no good. ♪ 494 00:23:27,305 --> 00:23:33,432 Craving big poker? Feast your eyes on Venom. $5 million GTD. AmericasCardroom.com 39697

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