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1
00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:05,000
Ten, nine, eight...
2
00:00:05,040 --> 00:00:10,200
You've been underperforming
for too long. That stops today.
3
00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:13,960
Seven, six...
4
00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:15,960
five...
5
00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:19,800
Close down another 50 cases or else.
6
00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:21,720
..four...
7
00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:23,680
three... Denise, I can't...
8
00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:25,840
Tardiness will not be tolerated.
9
00:00:25,880 --> 00:00:28,600
..two... My code isn't working
so I can't open the door.
10
00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:30,560
..one. Time's up.
11
00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:32,800
Both of you, that's a disciplinary.
12
00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:34,960
Look, Denise, I was there
with 11 seconds to spare,
13
00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:36,480
I don't know if you saw me.
14
00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:40,520
But code's not working,
so could you let me off once? Nope.
15
00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:44,760
Don't take it, Nit,
she won't respect you.
16
00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:46,840
Just think of her as an
unforgiving lover.
17
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:49,680
God...
18
00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:51,560
Right, I'm reviewing
everyone's caseload.
19
00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:54,720
I need updates with a view to
closing the case on the Hortons NAI,
20
00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:57,280
the 45-day assessment period is up.
21
00:00:57,320 --> 00:00:59,960
The Millwoods foster kid
who keyed every car in his road,
22
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:01,440
has he been reallocated?
23
00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:04,000
And where is the background check
on Jerry Donagh?
24
00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:05,560
Oh, I've done that, I've done that.
25
00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:09,120
Erm, yes, he's changed his name,
but he's definitely the same
26
00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:13,160
children's entertainer who called
that four-year-old a cunt.
27
00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:16,720
No-one leaves before 6pm.
28
00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:20,240
There will be a headcount
at the end of the day. Questions.
29
00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:21,640
Oh, yes, erm...
30
00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:24,800
Ingrid, welcome back.
I trust you've made a full recovery.
31
00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:28,840
Well, yes, but I think I may have
just ruptured my stitches, so...
32
00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:32,480
I'm, um... Natalie, make Ingrid
a cup of tea, would you, please?
33
00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:35,240
No, I should just get straight
to HR. I think it's...
34
00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:39,280
It's, erm, it's not good.
35
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:44,000
Everyone else, work.
36
00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:47,280
You've got until six o'clock.
37
00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:49,880
Oh, shit. Why is she bringing
the hammer down today?
38
00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:51,680
I was planning to get away
at lunchtime
39
00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:53,120
and get the Eurostar with Caitlin.
40
00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:55,760
Look, we'll have to revert to those
sort of primary school tactics,
41
00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:57,960
you know, where you splash your
forehead with hot water
42
00:01:58,000 --> 00:01:59,880
and then you've got a temperature.
43
00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:01,760
Still, I bet she's got
a thermometer.
44
00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:05,680
Yeah, an anal one, like some sort of
medieval torture spike.
45
00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:07,840
Hey, speaking of medieval,
how's Lee?
46
00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:09,080
Well, rather unexpectedly,
47
00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:11,800
he's agreed to take my mum
to the GP today.
48
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:15,040
She's a bit out of control at home
and I can't really cope.
49
00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:17,800
Oh, I think that's very nice of him.
It's not like Audrey's HIS mum.
50
00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:21,840
Don't say positive things about him,
I forbid it.
51
00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:24,320
So, Denise wants to see us all
at the end of the day.
52
00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:25,680
I just hope I haven't screwed it up
53
00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:27,640
because I really smelt
a promotion there.
54
00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:30,040
Al... And I can smell your
aftershave. Jesus, what is it?
55
00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:31,120
Fly spray?
56
00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:34,320
Answer your bloody phone, Al!
It's not bloody ringing, Nat.
57
00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:36,600
Oh, shit, sorry.
PHONE RINGS
58
00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:37,960
Hello? Al Kavanagh speaking.
59
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:40,400
'This is about a baby in
Superbrands.' Oh, right.
60
00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:43,080
Is it the same baby that was on top
of a bus shelter last September?
61
00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:44,120
'Yeah, that's right.'
62
00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:47,320
Now it's in the crisp section
of Superbrands.
63
00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:51,160
I've got an actual job to do,
please don't waste my time. Cheerio.
64
00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:52,920
There's been a baby left in
a supermarket,
65
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:54,800
are you seriously not going
to do anything?
66
00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:57,320
Nat, it's so obviously a prank call.
67
00:02:57,360 --> 00:02:59,520
You just get a feel for which
ones are genuine.
68
00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:01,520
We get loads of calls
about that baby.
69
00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:04,160
It's been so many places -
it's been in the floral display
70
00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:06,480
at the roundabout,
up a tree in the park,
71
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:09,040
and it was in the changing rooms
at the swimming pool.
72
00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:11,680
Maybe that's where we could house
some of my Syrian family.
73
00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:14,600
Those poor Ghorani kids,
haven't you got them anywhere yet?
74
00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:17,640
Al, on that note,
the one that says he's 12,
75
00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:20,000
he's actually 5'10"
with a moustache.
76
00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:23,440
As he's an orphaned refugee, Nitin,
he doesn't have any paperwork,
77
00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:25,680
so we kind of have to take
his word for it.
78
00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:28,840
Anyway, it's bum fluff. Well, as
long as you're sure about the baby.
79
00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:31,080
It sounded real to me.
What sounded real?
80
00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:33,880
The call about
the abandoned baby in Superbrands.
81
00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:37,120
Denise, it's so obviously a prank.
Just get down there.
82
00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:38,600
Why don't I ring first?
83
00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:41,240
Cos Al's quite poorly, actually,
84
00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:43,480
and if he gets iller I can
cover for him.
85
00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:44,880
No, Al looks perfectly all right.
86
00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:47,320
I can't risk you being stuck in
a queue for half an hour
87
00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:49,040
while someone steals an infant.
88
00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:52,920
Take Nitin with you, and if there is
a baby, I'll alert the police.
89
00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:56,960
Get your coat, Nitin, we're going
baby hunting in Superbrands.
90
00:03:57,520 --> 00:03:59,600
'Mate, I was expecting
that safe-dialling report
91
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:02,400
'five weeks ago.'
92
00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:06,040
Thanks for trying to get my back.
Want some coffee? No, ta.
93
00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:09,360
Despite the fact I've got 29 more
important things to do,
94
00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:11,120
I've got to go baby hunting
with Nitin,
95
00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:12,800
so I thought I'd take
a packed lunch.
96
00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:15,480
Although, to be perfectly honest,
there's nothing in here that
97
00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:18,440
would encourage someone that didn't
want to get salmonella.
98
00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:20,680
Lunch? It's quarter past nine.
99
00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:23,880
Elevenses, then.
Got to keep my strength up.
100
00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:26,960
How are you feeling? Hmm?
How are you feeling?
101
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:30,840
LOUDLY: Oh, erm, I'm a bit ill and
I've got a terrible headache.
102
00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:33,600
Oh, dear, sounds like
someone's suffering.
103
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:35,760
LOUDER: Poor you, Al.
104
00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:38,480
(Wanting to get away
for the weekend, are you?)
105
00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:41,280
Well, the walls have got very big
ears, you know. Yeah.
106
00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:44,880
Bit like me, Al.
107
00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:47,160
Poor old Martin.
You know, I can't stand it
108
00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:49,440
that Denise has let that thing
go on so long.
109
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:52,800
I can't stand Denise. Anyway,
where are you taking Caitlin?
110
00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:55,160
Paris. Oh!
111
00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:58,600
Lee and I went to Lille because it
was nearer and it was cheaper.
112
00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:02,080
Actually, fuck all that.
Got pissed, had a row, came home.
113
00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:04,360
Look, why can't you just ask Denise
as a favour
114
00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:05,800
to let you off a bit early?
115
00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:08,760
Because you have to be seeing
the white light at the tunnel's end
116
00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:11,200
before she'll even consider it.
117
00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:13,920
Do you know, recently she's gone
from benevolent dictator
118
00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:15,120
to Kim Jong-un.
119
00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:17,560
Which one's that?
Looks like Michael McIntyre.
120
00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:19,320
Oh.
121
00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:21,920
What if Denise says no? I've got
nowhere to go, then, have I?
122
00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:24,160
I can't say,
"Oh, it seems your refusal
123
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:28,200
"has brought on a vicious migraine."
PHONE BLEEPS
124
00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:30,520
Shit, it's the crisis centre.
125
00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:32,920
God, if I don't sort out something
with those Syrian kids
126
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:34,720
I'm going nowhere.
127
00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:36,480
Wonder if Denise has got
a spare room.
128
00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:38,840
No, I think that's been turned
into an S&M dungeon
129
00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,360
for the local councillors.
130
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:43,000
Rose! What?
131
00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:45,360
You told me to put my coat on
20 minutes ago.
132
00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:48,320
That's because I like to see a man
shin-deep in nylon.
133
00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:51,560
All right, listen, I'm coming
baby hunting, OK? Hang on.
134
00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:53,200
DOOR BLEEPS
135
00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:57,240
Come on, then, let's go.
136
00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:01,120
What's the code? I'll do it.
137
00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:02,960
DOOR BLEEPS
That was the same as before
138
00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:05,960
so what's happened...?
Come on, come on!
139
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:10,000
HE MUTTERS
140
00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:16,240
Hello, can I help? Yeah,
just here to see Denise Donnelly.
141
00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:18,280
Your name, please.
It's Daisy Ronson.
142
00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:21,720
Take a seat, I'll check she's free.
143
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,000
Look, I've got to get a few
bits and pieces.
144
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,480
Don't grass me up to Denise.
It's very inappropriate, Rose.
145
00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:29,080
You shouldn't be wandering off
to other areas of the supermarket,
146
00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:31,440
we've got to stick to the aisle
where the abandoned baby is.
147
00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:33,720
The imaginary abandoned baby,
you mean.
148
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:35,840
If I go to that aisle,
all I can get is
149
00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:39,320
a bumper variety pack of Walkers
crisps for the kids' tea.
150
00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:41,040
No change there, then.
151
00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:42,400
Was that a joke, Nitin?
152
00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:44,120
I prefer to think of it as bants.
153
00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:46,360
Take it easy, you don't want
to shoot your load
154
00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:50,400
too early on in the day.
155
00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:54,800
So, how would you feel about being
on the sex offenders' register?
156
00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:56,400
Please, no!
157
00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:59,800
You, a professional employed in good
faith by the local authority,
158
00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:02,960
appear to be in some sort of
relationship with a pupil - my son.
159
00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:04,320
I mean, if this is true,
160
00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:08,120
it's a gross dereliction of your
duty and an indictable offence.
161
00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:09,480
But in fairness to you,
162
00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:12,160
I'm giving you the opportunity to
explain yourself before I put
163
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:14,920
in motion a series of events which
will most certainly ruin
164
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:17,280
your career,
quite possibly your life.
165
00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:19,080
So the floor is yours.
166
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:22,600
We exchanged some text messages
and met once outside school.
167
00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:24,960
I swear to you I didn't
sleep with him.
168
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:26,640
Please, you've got to believe me!
169
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,920
I've been in social work for
30 years, I don't believe anyone.
170
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:32,040
I'm telling the truth!
171
00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:34,880
I know I've been monumentally
stupid, but please,
172
00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:37,840
please give me a chance.
173
00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:40,160
Consider yourself lucky,
Miss Ronson.
174
00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:42,840
On this occasion,
I will not inform the police.
175
00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:46,040
But if you ever go near
my son again,
176
00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:48,120
I will see you in prison.
177
00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:49,480
Get out.
178
00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:53,520
Wait! Give me your phone.
179
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,520
"Dear Daniel,
180
00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:02,560
"I have been diagnosed with
genital herpes. Daisy."
181
00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:06,120
Send.
182
00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:08,440
That is an abuse of trust and power.
183
00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:10,400
Well, that makes two of us, then.
184
00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:12,160
You know what?
185
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:16,200
I think he just needed an adult in
his life who would listen to him.
186
00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:19,280
Rose, I just wanted to say that if
I do get a promotion,
187
00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:20,920
I don't want it to affect
our friendship.
188
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:23,880
You're not getting
a promotion and we're not friends.
189
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:27,920
Yes, Caitlin. A cringing,
pathetic, boot-licking toady.
190
00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:32,120
That's a very accurate description
on occasion. 'Yes, it is.'
191
00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:35,240
But then again, you don't have to
ask your boss's permission
192
00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:37,720
to go on a mini-break, do you? So...
193
00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:40,800
'No, it's just...' I'll be there.
'OK now.' OK?
194
00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:42,720
PHONE BLEEPS
195
00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:45,240
Come.
196
00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:46,520
HE COUGHS
197
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:48,200
You wanted to see me.
198
00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:50,040
Yes, Alastair.
199
00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:52,920
I didn't want to put this into
an e-mail for various reasons...
200
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:56,120
HE SHIVERS
It's not that cold in here, is it?
201
00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:58,160
Perhaps you should wear a vest.
202
00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:00,000
I'm sick.
203
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:04,040
I'm ill.
204
00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:06,920
My glands are all up.
205
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:10,960
I used to be St John Ambulance,
you know. Oh.
206
00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,360
HE SPLUTTERS
207
00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:17,360
Um, you're not hot.
208
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:19,920
Look, give it a couple of hours.
If you're no better...
209
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,240
I'll shoot off home to bed.
210
00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:23,080
..take an aspirin.
211
00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:26,040
The reason I called you in was to
mention the incident
212
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:30,080
at Glenway School.
The suspected child abuse.
213
00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:34,160
Well, yeah, I wouldn't go that far,
but anyway, it's dealt with.
214
00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:36,280
But what exactly...?
215
00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:39,080
I'm not opening it
to the floor for questions, OK?
216
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:40,960
Do I make myself clear?
217
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:43,760
Right, well,
while we're sharing confidences,
218
00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:47,800
perhaps I should make MYSELF clear
and tell you that most of us
219
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:51,920
are aware of the GP letter about
a certain colleague that
220
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:57,200
you mislaid and we are hoping that
you will act on its contents.
221
00:09:57,600 --> 00:09:59,120
Cheerio.
222
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:03,160
HE COUGHS
223
00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:09,080
Cornflour, cornflour.
That's where I'm pointing.
224
00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:13,800
Look, hey, Lee, hang on, you're
breaking up, you're breaking up.
225
00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:16,200
Rose, do you think maybe you're
forgetting something?
226
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,520
I don't know, like what?
Chocolate, Nobby's Nuts?
227
00:10:18,560 --> 00:10:21,120
No, it's one word,
it's very important.
228
00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:24,440
Piss off. That's two.
I'll go find the baby.
229
00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:26,400
'..E-mail, my phone...'
230
00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:30,160
Lee, I don't really want to hear
this at the moment. I'm busy, OK?
231
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,800
'Rose, what are you wearing?'
What am I wearing?
232
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:35,440
We were together for 17 years
and you choose this moment
233
00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:37,000
to try phone sex?
234
00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:38,760
It's all right,
I know what you're wearing -
235
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:42,800
that scarf that makes you
look like Axl Rose.
236
00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:44,800
What the fuck are you doing here?
237
00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:47,560
Where's Mum? Right, I don't want you
to get angry, all right?
238
00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:50,320
I took Audrey to the GP but I forgot
the list of questions you
239
00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:52,760
wanted me to ask, so when I got in
there I didn't know what to say.
240
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:56,240
She's the one that's meant to have
Alzheimer's, you dozy twat.
241
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:59,400
What's the fucking point of you?
I'm doing the family shop!
242
00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:02,640
Just go back to the GP and wait
there till you're seen.
243
00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:06,640
More fun living in that
caravan park.
244
00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:10,600
Missed!
245
00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:12,000
Baby's not by the crisps.
246
00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:14,480
Well, you could have got me
some prawn cocktail.
247
00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:18,520
And it's a prank baby.
248
00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:21,480
There's the prank baby.
249
00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:23,500
Oh, shit.
250
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:31,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
251
00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:34,960
Hey. It wasn't a prank!
252
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:37,600
Well done, Nat, you're an
instinctive social worker.
253
00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:39,960
Really? No.
254
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:41,880
Right, where's the boss lady?
255
00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:44,480
I'm calling an emergency
strat meeting.
256
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:47,840
Nitin, get the paperwork going.
Court order.
257
00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:50,720
No, you do it, cos I've got
the baby. Let Nat have the baby.
258
00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:52,200
No, cos he likes me.
259
00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:54,240
Actually, yeah, you're all right.
260
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:58,280
I think he needs a nappy change.
261
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:02,440
NOSE-BLOWING
262
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,480
Please, Alastair,
I can't hear myself think.
263
00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:13,800
Lemony beverage, Al? Oh, thanks.
You're a life-saver, Martin.
264
00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:16,360
Could I have a quadruple shot latte,
please?
265
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:18,960
Actually, erm, Natalie,
you can sort the coffees for today,
266
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:20,480
can't you, dear? You sit down.
267
00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:22,280
Erm, OK. What about my minutes?
268
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:25,440
Some might say that no minutes are
better than your minutes, Nat.
269
00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:26,480
Oh, thanks, Al.
270
00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:28,280
I'm happy to take the minutes.
271
00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:29,920
Right, emergency measures -
272
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:33,120
we have an abandoned baby
on the premises.
273
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:34,920
SHE WHIMPERS
Fine.
274
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:36,600
It's probably
a young mum who can't cope
275
00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:38,960
and has decided to leave it here
to be cared for.
276
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,280
It could just be a mum's
what they call nappy brain
277
00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:43,200
who's forgotten she's got a baby.
278
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:45,840
It's quite common, I think,
because of sleep deprivation.
279
00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:48,720
Well, I don't subscribe to
that theory. I managed.
280
00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:49,840
Well, I didn't.
281
00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:53,360
I drove once with the baby in
the car seat on the roof of the car.
282
00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:56,480
Was it OK? No, it fell off into
the path of a school bus.
283
00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:59,200
Oh, God, how awful! Sorry, Rose.
284
00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:00,880
Nat, it's a joke.
285
00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:03,800
Did you honestly think I'd still be
a social worker if I'd done that?
286
00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:04,880
ALL: Yes.
287
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:07,720
Can we please get back to
dealing with the baby issue?
288
00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:09,560
Paediatrician's report?
289
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:12,400
INGRID WHIMPERS
Ingrid, you all right?
290
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:16,440
Well, it's just that the constant
mention of babies and children is...
291
00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:20,440
I'm finding a bit challenging.
You picked the wrong job, love.
292
00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:22,880
Bit insensitive. She's just had
all her gear whipped out.
293
00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:24,520
Nat!
294
00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:26,080
I'm fine.
295
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:28,880
Ingrid, you're clearly not fine.
What did HR say?
296
00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:31,320
Well, no, they did recommend that
I take further time off,
297
00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:34,520
but I was absolutely adamant
because you need me here,
298
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:38,040
so if I could just get a couple
of physical needs met,
299
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:39,760
then I will be fine.
300
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:42,040
Such as?
AL: Here we go.
301
00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:45,120
A robotic back support and, erm,
302
00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:47,480
if I could have nobody
working to my left
303
00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:49,520
because that's not good, so...
304
00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:53,480
Why don't you just go home
and I will talk to HR?
305
00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:56,480
Alastair, you'll have to stay late
to wrap up her caseload.
306
00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:57,640
What?!
307
00:13:57,680 --> 00:14:01,680
Al, let me know if I can be of
any assistance.
308
00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:05,480
She's already got a memory foam
cushion, a green screen,
309
00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:08,360
a special bit of floor,
she won't go on a client visit
310
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:11,000
that's more than 20 minutes
from a lavatorial facility...
311
00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:13,000
Well, none of that is her fault,
Alastair.
312
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:16,000
However, I am going to extend her
sick leave because
313
00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:18,520
I literally cannot cope
with her face.
314
00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:21,160
Could I be excused too?
No, Alastair, sit down.
315
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:24,200
I've got some aspirin in my bag.
316
00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:26,640
Bloody bag of broken dreams.
317
00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:28,520
Yeah, she is, isn't she?
318
00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:30,760
So, how are you actually
following up?
319
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,760
We're checking with the hospitals
to see if they can help,
320
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:35,880
any young mothers acting
weird and mental.
321
00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:38,120
Well, that'd be most young mothers,
then.
322
00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:40,680
Well, let's keep on it and,
Alastair, while you're here,
323
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:44,720
take us through where you are on
housing those children from Syria.
324
00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:48,160
No-one's contacted us yet.
325
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:50,400
It's like this baby landed
from another planet.
326
00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:53,640
Like an alien.
Or like baby Jesus!
327
00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:56,560
Or like neither! So, let's just...
328
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:58,080
Baby's got to sleep.
329
00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:02,120
One message from Caitlin asking me
to bring fleeces and sun cream
330
00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:05,440
because the weather is changeable,
and a further nine messages
331
00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:08,360
saying she will chuck me
if I'm not at the station.
332
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:12,400
Al, come with me. Come on.
333
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:23,920
# Al got sickee, didn't he?
334
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:27,800
♪ Cos he wants to get of workee! ♪
335
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:28,960
Oh, my God!
336
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:33,000
So, Martin, I've been drowning in
a sea of financial constraints
337
00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:37,080
and administrative sewage,
so I've been less than efficient
338
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:41,240
in scrutinising the updates
from your GP.
339
00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:44,360
Well, I was wondering why things
weren't moving along
340
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:48,400
as quickly as I thought they would
with my return to work.
341
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:53,280
But it has to be said that
the interim period of popping in
342
00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:58,840
and just observing and being there
for everyone has been very helpful.
343
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:04,200
In fact, I could say it's
made me well again.
344
00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:08,360
All this time,
it's been staring me in the face.
345
00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:11,080
URGENT KNOCKING
346
00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:14,080
Hello. Someone quick.
One second. Hello!
347
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:15,880
Oi, you! Please!
348
00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:17,160
Please!
349
00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:21,200
This is more urgent. OK, OK.
It's important. OK.
350
00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:24,800
We need urgent help, please, my wife
left her baby somewhere. Our baby.
351
00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:27,160
That's what I said.
No, you just said it was my baby.
352
00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:29,720
You're the one who left the child
and you want to argue about
353
00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:32,120
who's more observant?
I know, it's fucking awful, OK?
354
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:35,320
Shh, all right! It's dreadful, Zak!
What if we never get him back?
355
00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:37,040
What if something's happened to him?
356
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:39,400
You know, I literally do not
have time for this.
357
00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:42,080
Please, the supermarket
told us to come here.
358
00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:44,640
Can you just tell us if you have
any idea where our baby is?
359
00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:46,280
Listen, pal, I'll tell you...
360
00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:48,240
I'll explain something to
you right now, OK?
361
00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:51,120
If you do not help us to find our
baby, I'm going to get on the phone
362
00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:54,360
to a very important human rights
lawyer who just happens to be...
363
00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,840
Don't, for fuck's sake!
..a close personal...
364
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:59,680
Zak, just stop...
Well, how are you helping? ..stupid!
365
00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:01,640
Right, I'm calling.
He's ignored me, that's it.
366
00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:04,520
No! That's it. Look, the most
important thing is our fucking baby.
367
00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:07,320
And this will get him back.
I just have to be positive.
368
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,640
I can't deal with this. Oh, my God!
369
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:13,680
HE GROANS
370
00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:17,760
Oh, now, that really is very good.
371
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:20,280
Yes, even I would believe
you're genuinely ill.
372
00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:21,960
I'm bloody ill.
373
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:24,480
It's the memory of last night's
sushi combined with
374
00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:25,800
the toxic fridge box.
375
00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:28,720
Perhaps it's a judgment on you
for trying to bunk off early.
376
00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:30,720
Could you...
377
00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:32,520
call Caitlin for me?
378
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:35,920
Ask her to come and collect me,
please.
379
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,520
'Hello, this is Caitlin.'
380
00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:40,440
It's gone to message.
'Leave a message and speak clearly.'
381
00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:43,080
Oh, dear.
Caitlin sounds a bit stern.
382
00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:47,080
The way she said "speak clearly"
is enough to make you stammer.
383
00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:49,960
Sophie is exhausted but the Mumsnet
community pressured her into
384
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:51,880
breast-feeding,
which I didn't think was...
385
00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:54,040
Are you going to take our baby
away from us or not?
386
00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:55,480
They can't do that. No, I'm not.
387
00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:58,920
But please do try to be a little bit
more vigilant in the future.
388
00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:00,680
Yes, I will, I will. Yeah.
389
00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:02,960
And, Sophie, get some sleep.
390
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:07,000
Thank you.
391
00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:13,840
Is that it?
We're just going to let them go?
392
00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:15,840
That man isn't fit to be a parent.
393
00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:18,040
I should have initiated Section 47.
394
00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,560
MCWD. What?
395
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,240
Middle class, well dressed.
396
00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:24,840
Generally considered to be
less of a risk.
397
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:27,240
We tend to let them go with
a mild ticking off.
398
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:28,920
Is that a policy?
399
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:31,160
More of an unspoken ethic.
You'll learn.
400
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:34,080
Although, fuck me,
I'd rather bring kids up with Lee
401
00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:38,120
than that fuck-stick.
402
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:41,240
Right, everyone, stop working.
403
00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:42,760
Quiet, please. Quiet, please!
404
00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:44,920
Yes, all right,
Nitin, I don't need your help.
405
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:47,920
OK, in view of my recent
observations,
406
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:51,240
I am going to make some
departmental changes.
407
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:54,280
This is it, people, it's judgment day.
GROANS AND MURMURS
408
00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:57,400
For heaven's sake, it's like being
a teacher again!
409
00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:58,920
Shh! Quiet!
410
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:00,480
SILENCE
411
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:02,920
This department is a mess.
412
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:05,160
People are slap dash,
reports sloppy,
413
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:09,200
communications unclear, you're late,
generally underperforming.
414
00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:13,800
So, in light of Ingrid's recent
departure, I have decided to
415
00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:17,440
have a reshuffle and put someone
permanently in charge.
416
00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:20,840
KNOCKING
417
00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:22,440
Who's that?
418
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:24,640
Oh, dear, I think that's Caitlin.
419
00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:27,640
This is exactly the lack of
professionalism I'm talking about.
420
00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:29,840
Where's Al?
ALL: Through there.
421
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:33,600
Are you taking the piss?
ALL: No.
422
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:37,360
So, in the past three months,
we have had Rose,
423
00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:40,440
who right under my nose has been
trying to look after
424
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:42,840
her poor mother in work time.
425
00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:44,520
Don't think I haven't noticed, Rose.
426
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:45,800
Well, in my defence,
427
00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:48,960
I was just trying to do a good thing
for someone that I love.
428
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:51,680
Aren't we supposed to be
looking after people?
429
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:53,800
It's not like I was skiving off
to the bookie's.
430
00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:56,760
You don't think I realise we're here
to look after people?
431
00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:59,400
You think I'm standing here bleating
about standards and outcomes
432
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:01,160
because I'm Alan Sugar with tits?
433
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,840
You're in the front line,
I get that,
434
00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:04,840
and what you're dealing with
is horrendous.
435
00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:08,880
But I have to deal with 1,000
George Osborne clones who seem
436
00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:12,720
to get a sexual kick out of
telling me that there's no money,
437
00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:15,440
just an extra helping of tough shit,
438
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:18,200
and all the logistics
and admin makes me
439
00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:20,560
forget about all the families out
there who we're supposed
440
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:23,480
to be helping but in fact we're
failing day in, day out
441
00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:25,960
because the people above me
have all the conscience
442
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,720
of Hitler's lost bollock!
443
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:30,760
DOOR SLAMS
444
00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:34,800
ALL: Bye! Piss off!
445
00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:38,400
In terms of promotion,
446
00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:40,680
I have decided
447
00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:42,760
to pass over Nitin,
448
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:45,320
and you, Rose, and Alastair,
449
00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:48,880
and I am going to promote Martin.
450
00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:51,680
Who better than someone who
has really got to know
451
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:54,240
the foibles of the workforce over
the last few months?
452
00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:58,280
Who has a font of goodness
and optimism,
453
00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:01,520
which I pray will protect you
454
00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:04,280
and buffer you from
the stresses of the job,
455
00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:06,920
at least for the first six weeks.
456
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:09,800
So...
457
00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:12,920
Congratulations, Martin!
458
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:16,960
Everyone, have a good weekend.
I'm off to get drunk.
459
00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:23,280
CHEERING
460
00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:25,920
PHONE RINGS
461
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:28,520
Lee?
462
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:32,520
Mum's been admitted to hospital -
she's got a urinary tract infection.
463
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:34,000
Yes! Right.
464
00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:36,200
Well, I know it's not
life-threatening,
465
00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:37,440
but why so pleased?
466
00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:41,480
Weekend off, Lee's having the kids,
I can have a lie-down. Result.
467
00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:44,280
Oh, sorry, how are you? Shit.
468
00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:46,200
Caitlin's gone to France without me.
469
00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:49,240
And Denise has promoted Martin.
Yeah, could have been worse.
470
00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:51,240
Could have been Nitin.
471
00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:54,240
Ah, come on, Al, tidy your desk,
will you? Then you can go home.
472
00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:56,880
And, Rose, I will see you 9am sharp
on Monday morning
473
00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:59,200
and I will not look kindly
on latecomers.
474
00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:02,880
Ha-ha-ha!
475
00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:06,120
Actually, I mean that. Oh.
476
00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:09,360
Ooh...
477
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:13,400
That's better.
478
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:17,720
I'm not tidying my desk.
479
00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:26,520
SHE KNOCKS
480
00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:30,520
Oh, hello.
481
00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:32,360
Al...
482
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:34,760
Oh. Rose?
483
00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:38,600
Meet Amira, Ayana, Reema and Fareed.
Welcome.
484
00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:41,480
It's only for a few days -
I could do with the company.
485
00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:45,520
Oh, poor old you.
Anyway, I'm the bearer of good news.
486
00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:47,680
Denise has had a stroke.
487
00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:50,040
Martin is marrying Ingrid.
488
00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:51,880
Lee's been castrated.
489
00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:54,800
There's been an incident in
the Tunnel and Eurostar
490
00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:57,280
is going to be stranded all night.
491
00:22:57,320 --> 00:23:01,320
THEY CHEER
492
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:10,000
# People, they ain't no good
493
00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:16,400
# I think that's well understood
494
00:23:19,120 --> 00:23:26,200
♪ People just ain't no good. ♪
494
00:23:27,305 --> 00:23:33,432
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