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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:34,433 --> 00:00:34,973 >> WHOO! 2 00:00:34,967 --> 00:00:47,097 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 3 00:00:47,100 --> 00:00:49,300 >> Tosh: DYING IS A THREE-POINT 4 00:00:49,300 --> 00:00:50,000 DEDUCTION. 5 00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:51,670 WELCOME TO "TOSH.0." 6 00:00:51,667 --> 00:00:55,167 TONIGHT'S OVERPRICED CONCERT TEE 7 00:00:55,167 --> 00:00:56,767 WITH SEXY STUBBLE IS CAPTAIN 8 00:00:56,767 --> 00:01:01,797 MURPHY. 9 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:02,430 MMM. 10 00:01:02,433 --> 00:01:04,133 THEY'RE SO UNDERGROUND. 11 00:01:04,133 --> 00:01:05,703 HAD A CONCERT T DESIGNED FOR 12 00:01:05,700 --> 00:01:06,130 THEM. 13 00:01:06,133 --> 00:01:11,303 I RE DEEMED THIS DIRTY DANCER 14 00:01:11,300 --> 00:01:12,630 AND PROVE DEMOCRACY SUCKS 15 00:01:12,633 --> 00:01:13,873 BECAUSE IT ALLOWS YOU IDIOTS TO 16 00:01:13,867 --> 00:01:14,797 HAVE A VOICE. 17 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:16,200 ON DEGREE OF DIFFICULT ALONE I 18 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:20,070 RESPECT THIS GUY. 19 00:01:20,067 --> 00:01:21,567 THAT'S ASKING A LOT FROM YOUR 20 00:01:21,567 --> 00:01:22,767 COAT RACK. 21 00:01:22,767 --> 00:01:24,067 PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH 22 00:01:24,067 --> 00:01:27,367 MORE CHALK. 23 00:01:27,367 --> 00:01:29,167 ROCKSTAR ENERGY HAS A SMALLER 24 00:01:29,167 --> 00:01:30,497 STUNT BUDGET THAN REDBULL. 25 00:01:30,500 --> 00:01:34,230 BY THE WAY, THAT'S RANKED NUMBER 26 00:01:34,233 --> 00:01:36,973 ONE ON SUNSET MAGAZINE'S LIST OF 27 00:01:36,967 --> 00:01:40,667 MOST BEAUTIFUL PLACES TO COMMIT 28 00:01:40,667 --> 00:01:44,567 SUICIDE. 29 00:01:44,567 --> 00:01:46,967 SEEMS ELABORATE BUT TO EACH HIS 30 00:01:46,967 --> 00:01:50,867 OWN. 31 00:01:50,867 --> 00:01:52,567 THAT WASN'T JUST A STUPID BIT, 32 00:01:52,567 --> 00:01:54,197 IT WAS ALSO CRIES FOR HELP. 33 00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:57,070 I'M EXTREMELY DEPRESSED. 34 00:01:57,067 --> 00:01:58,827 SERIOUS QUESTION, CAN DOGS GET 35 00:01:58,833 --> 00:02:06,873 PUT DOWN FOR DATE RAPE? 36 00:02:06,867 --> 00:02:08,367 IT'S SO AWKWARD HOOKING UP WITH 37 00:02:08,367 --> 00:02:14,067 YOUR BEST FRIEND. 38 00:02:14,067 --> 00:02:15,867 NEXT HE CAN TAKE THEM OUT FOR A 39 00:02:15,867 --> 00:02:19,897 WALK OF SHAME. 40 00:02:19,900 --> 00:02:23,100 I LOVE BESTIALITY PORN. 41 00:02:23,100 --> 00:02:25,870 YOU'VE NEVER SEEN TURNER AND 42 00:02:25,867 --> 00:02:26,367 COOCH? 43 00:02:26,367 --> 00:02:30,067 WHAT ABOUT RIM TIN TIN? 44 00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:33,327 AIR BUTT? 45 00:02:33,333 --> 00:02:34,873 GAYTHOVEN. 46 00:02:34,867 --> 00:02:37,097 MARLEE AND PEE. 47 00:02:37,100 --> 00:02:43,200 THE MARMDUKKAKE. 48 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:47,600 MUST LOVE DOGS AND ANAL. 49 00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:48,930 DOGGY PORN IS A TREAT AND I'M 50 00:02:48,933 --> 00:02:50,603 THE ONLY ONE GETTING OFF ON IT. 51 00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:52,270 YOU CAN TELL A LOT FROM A PERSON 52 00:02:52,267 --> 00:02:56,567 FROM THE BAGGAGE THEY CARRY. 53 00:02:56,567 --> 00:02:58,067 LOOKS LIKE ELIZA DUSHKU'S BACK 54 00:02:58,067 --> 00:02:58,827 IN TOWN. 55 00:02:58,833 --> 00:02:59,873 WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? 56 00:02:59,867 --> 00:03:01,627 A BIG BLACK WEAPON LIKE THAT CAN 57 00:03:01,633 --> 00:03:05,303 NEVER BE A CARRY-ON. 58 00:03:05,300 --> 00:03:05,800 GREAT. 59 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:07,100 IT GOT SCUFFED UP. 60 00:03:07,100 --> 00:03:09,970 THANKS, UNITED. 61 00:03:09,967 --> 00:03:11,367 YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU CAN'T JUST 62 00:03:11,367 --> 00:03:14,567 FINGER YOURSELF TWO DAYS IN 63 00:03:14,567 --> 00:03:15,267 TAHOE? 64 00:03:15,267 --> 00:03:16,327 IT'S GOT TO COME. 65 00:03:16,333 --> 00:03:17,803 ACTUALLY IF YOU WANT TO GET 66 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:19,330 TECHNICAL BASED ON COLOR I'M 67 00:03:19,333 --> 00:03:20,473 CONFIDENT THIS WAS A SOUTHWEST 68 00:03:20,467 --> 00:03:23,297 FLIGHT. 69 00:03:23,300 --> 00:03:28,170 WHERE GIANT BLACK DILDOS FLY 70 00:03:28,167 --> 00:03:29,097 FREE. 71 00:03:29,100 --> 00:03:30,070 NOT MINE. 72 00:03:30,067 --> 00:03:32,897 I'D TIE RED AROUNDAROUND MINE. 73 00:03:32,900 --> 00:03:35,470 THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME. 74 00:03:35,467 --> 00:03:37,167 I MIGHT HAVE OVER PACKED BUT YOU 75 00:03:37,167 --> 00:03:38,627 NEVER KNOW WHERE THE DAY WILL 76 00:03:38,633 --> 00:03:39,273 TAKE 77 00:03:39,267 --> 00:03:41,927 YOU GET IT THREE WEEK UNTIL WE 78 00:03:41,933 --> 00:03:43,203 SAY KANYE IN THESE SENSIBLE 79 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:47,900 SHOES. 80 00:03:47,900 --> 00:03:49,200 JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT WOMEN 81 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:50,670 COULDN'T MOVE ANY SLOWER. 82 00:03:50,667 --> 00:03:52,667 I'D LIKE TO YOU MEET MY 83 00:03:52,667 --> 00:03:53,297 GIRLFRIEND. 84 00:03:53,300 --> 00:03:57,730 HE'S A BALLERINA WITH GOUT. 85 00:03:57,733 --> 00:03:59,303 IF YOU GET PAST THE FACT SHE 86 00:03:59,300 --> 00:04:01,930 LOOKS LIKE SHE HAS TO TAKE A 87 00:04:01,933 --> 00:04:04,073 DUMP IT'S AN ALLURING POSE. 88 00:04:04,067 --> 00:04:07,497 IT WILL BE DIFFICULT FOR HER TO 89 00:04:07,500 --> 00:04:08,600 BRING ME MY SANDWICH. 90 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:17,100 WHAT'S NEXT? 91 00:04:17,100 --> 00:04:21,570 [BLEEP] SCREW WAITING TWO 92 00:04:21,567 --> 00:04:22,167 SECONDS. 93 00:04:22,167 --> 00:04:22,827 THE STAIRS WON'T BE THERE 94 00:04:22,833 --> 00:04:23,303 FOREVER. 95 00:04:23,300 --> 00:04:24,730 NOW LET'S SEE WHY I HOPE I DIE 96 00:04:24,733 --> 00:04:26,173 BEFORE I GET OLD IN THE WEEK'S 97 00:04:26,167 --> 00:04:30,527 BREAKDOWN. 98 00:04:30,533 --> 00:04:31,903 JUST ANOTHER DAY AT COMMUNITY 99 00:04:31,900 --> 00:04:33,670 COLLEGE WHERE KIDS WHO CAN'T GET 100 00:04:33,667 --> 00:04:35,067 INTO A STATE SCHOOL SHARE CAMPUS 101 00:04:35,067 --> 00:04:36,367 WITH OLD PEOPLE WHO WANT TO 102 00:04:36,367 --> 00:04:37,727 LEARN COMPUTERS. 103 00:04:37,733 --> 00:04:40,603 LOOK THAT THE HIPSTER FRESHMAN 104 00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:44,800 ONE STRAP IN A JANSPORT. 105 00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:46,430 GAM, GAM, DOWN. 106 00:04:46,433 --> 00:04:48,173 MAYBE IT WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPEN 107 00:04:48,167 --> 00:04:50,067 FRIDAY YOU WEREN'T 45 YEARS LATE 108 00:04:50,067 --> 00:04:52,467 TO CLASS. 109 00:04:52,467 --> 00:04:57,167 HOW MANY OF YOU THINK THE SWEET 110 00:04:57,167 --> 00:05:02,097 DEFENSELESS OLD WOMAN IS A VICK? 111 00:05:02,100 --> 00:05:02,770 YOU'RE WRONG. 112 00:05:02,767 --> 00:05:05,467 TO ME SHE'S A DUSTY OLD DRIED 113 00:05:05,467 --> 00:05:08,197 OUT [BLEEP] AND I CAN PROVE IT. 114 00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:09,970 LET'S EXAMINE THE EVIDENCE FRAME 115 00:05:09,967 --> 00:05:11,067 BY FRAME. 116 00:05:11,067 --> 00:05:13,197 HE'S ABOUT TO SKATE AROUND HER 117 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:14,600 WHEN SHE GOES QUICK AND TO THE 118 00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:15,070 RIGHT. 119 00:05:15,067 --> 00:05:16,097 QUICK AND TO THE RIGHT. 120 00:05:16,100 --> 00:05:18,130 QUICK AND TO THE RIGHT. 121 00:05:18,133 --> 00:05:20,873 THAT CRAZY BITCH WANTED TO GET 122 00:05:20,867 --> 00:05:21,197 HIT. 123 00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:25,970 CASE CLOSED. 124 00:05:25,967 --> 00:05:27,067 GOOD IDEA. 125 00:05:27,067 --> 00:05:28,297 THERE'S NO WAY CAMPUS SECURITY 126 00:05:28,300 --> 00:05:33,200 IS GOING TO SEE THINGS OUR WAY. 127 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:34,300 SHE IS SURPRISED. 128 00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:36,970 I'D RUN TOO FROM HERE THAT LOOKS 129 00:05:36,967 --> 00:05:43,467 LIKE RIC FLAIR. 130 00:05:43,467 --> 00:05:44,197 >> WHOA. 131 00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:45,900 >> SHE'S ACTIVATED HER OLD MAN 132 00:05:45,900 --> 00:05:48,130 STRENGTH. 133 00:05:48,133 --> 00:05:50,673 >> YOU ARE. 134 00:05:50,667 --> 00:05:52,597 STOP IT. 135 00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:54,830 >> YOU [BLEEP]. 136 00:05:54,833 --> 00:05:58,873 NICKEL IN THE SWEAR JAR, NANA. 137 00:05:58,867 --> 00:06:00,327 I HOPE YOU DON'T KISS YOUR MOM 138 00:06:00,333 --> 00:06:01,673 WITH THAT GUTTER MOUTH. 139 00:06:01,667 --> 00:06:04,727 I'M NOT SURE HOW PROFITABLE HER 140 00:06:04,733 --> 00:06:06,503 INSURANCE SCAM WOULD HAVE BEEN 141 00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:11,370 AGAINST THE SKATER ANY HOW. 142 00:06:11,367 --> 00:06:13,397 WHAT'S HE WORTH BE AN iPOD 143 00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:15,200 TOUCH? 144 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:16,830 WE'LL BE BACK WITH THE 145 00:06:16,833 --> 00:06:18,203 REDEMPTION AND I HEARD YOUR 146 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:20,470 HAVING A POOL PARTY. 147 00:06:20,467 --> 00:06:20,967 GREAT. 148 00:06:20,967 --> 00:06:25,827 CAN I BRING MY JETSKI? 149 00:06:25,833 --> 00:06:30,573 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 150 00:06:30,567 --> 00:06:33,197 >> I'M AT THE DENVER BRONCOS 151 00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:35,130 CHEERLEADER TRYOUTS TO BE THE 152 00:06:35,133 --> 00:06:38,203 FIRST MALE BRONCOS 153 00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:38,900 CHEERLEADER... 154 00:06:38,900 --> 00:06:39,470 EVER. 155 00:06:39,467 --> 00:06:41,227 NO MALE HAS EVER MADE IT THROUGH 156 00:06:41,233 --> 00:06:42,103 AUDITION. 157 00:06:42,100 --> 00:06:46,400 I DON'T EVEN NO IF A MALE MADE 158 00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:48,470 IT TO AUDITION. 159 00:06:48,467 --> 00:06:49,597 I'M A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED. 160 00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:51,100 I GAVE ALL I GOT AND I JUST 161 00:06:51,100 --> 00:06:53,130 DIDN'T MAKE THE CUT. 162 00:06:53,133 --> 00:06:54,603 >> Tosh: I HEARD YOU GOT TO BE A 163 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:57,900 REAL SLUT TO MAKE THE BRONCOS 164 00:06:57,900 --> 00:06:58,900 CHEERLEADING TEAM. 165 00:06:58,900 --> 00:07:05,170 THAT POM-POM PRINCESS SASHA AND 166 00:07:05,167 --> 00:07:07,197 HE'S NOT GOING LET HIS SHLONG 167 00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,570 GET NAT WAY. 168 00:07:09,567 --> 00:07:10,297 HE'S BRAVE. 169 00:07:10,300 --> 00:07:12,730 EVERYBODY IN THAT CITY IS INSANE 170 00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:14,503 AND THE ALTITUDE IS ABOUT TO 171 00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:18,130 MAKE PEYTON MANNING'S FOREHEAD 172 00:07:18,133 --> 00:07:19,273 EXPLODE. 173 00:07:19,267 --> 00:07:21,727 IF THEY HIRED SASHA THEY'D HAVE 174 00:07:21,733 --> 00:07:23,373 TO HIRE HIM TWICE AS MUCH 175 00:07:23,367 --> 00:07:25,067 BECAUSE MEN CAN DO A FULL DAY'S 176 00:07:25,067 --> 00:07:26,497 WORK IN THE TIME IT TAKES A 177 00:07:26,500 --> 00:07:28,430 WOMAN TO TELL A CO-WORKER ABOUT 178 00:07:28,433 --> 00:07:29,833 HER WEEKEND AND IF IT WEREN'T 179 00:07:29,833 --> 00:07:32,073 FOR MEN THE PLANET WOULD BE 180 00:07:32,067 --> 00:07:37,197 OVERRUN WITH SPIDERS. 181 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:38,500 I MISS THE GOOD OLD DAYS. 182 00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:40,670 NOW WOMEN FORCE US TO GO TO 183 00:07:40,667 --> 00:07:42,497 COUPLES THERAPY IF WE DON'T 184 00:07:42,500 --> 00:07:44,070 REPLY TO THEIR TEXT FAST ENOUGH. 185 00:07:44,067 --> 00:07:45,967 THERE ARE ONLY TWO REAL MEN LEFT 186 00:07:45,967 --> 00:07:49,427 IN THE WORLD, LUMERJACKS AND 187 00:07:49,433 --> 00:07:51,773 LIAM NEESON. 188 00:07:51,767 --> 00:07:54,627 EVERYBODY ELSE IS JUST A WOOS 189 00:07:54,633 --> 00:07:56,703 WITH A MACBOOK. 190 00:07:56,700 --> 00:07:58,770 AM I LESS OF A MAN BECAUSE I SIT 191 00:07:58,767 --> 00:08:00,927 DOWN TO PEE AND WEAR MAKE UP 192 00:08:00,933 --> 00:08:01,503 MORE. 193 00:08:01,500 --> 00:08:04,070 I GUARANTEE I BANG MORE CENTER 194 00:08:04,067 --> 00:08:05,597 FOLDS THAN ANY OF YOU. 195 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:08,600 HE'S NOT AFRAID TO DANCE AND 196 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:13,370 CHEER AND THAT MAKES HIM A MAN 197 00:08:13,367 --> 00:08:15,767 IN MY BOOK SO I BROUGHT HIM TO 198 00:08:15,767 --> 00:08:16,867 L.A. 199 00:08:16,867 --> 00:08:20,497 >> HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU. 200 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:23,370 HERE IS YOUR CHECK. 201 00:08:23,367 --> 00:08:26,797 IF YOU LEAVE A BIG TIP I'LL LET 202 00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:28,400 YOU PUT YOUR TIP ANYWHERE YOU'D 203 00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:31,900 LIKE. 204 00:08:31,900 --> 00:08:33,370 I GOT DOUBLE SACKS. 205 00:08:33,367 --> 00:08:35,067 >> IT'S ME SASHA. 206 00:08:35,067 --> 00:08:37,267 >> HEY, GLAD YOU CAN COME. 207 00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:39,227 I WANT YOU KNOW I KNOW WHAT IT 208 00:08:39,233 --> 00:08:41,303 FEELS LIKE TO BE DISCRIMINATED 209 00:08:41,300 --> 00:08:41,730 AGAINST. 210 00:08:41,733 --> 00:08:42,503 I HAVE SMALL BESTS. 211 00:08:42,500 --> 00:08:44,230 >> GET BACK TO WORK. 212 00:08:44,233 --> 00:08:45,433 >> Tosh: SUCK MY [BLEEP]. 213 00:08:45,433 --> 00:08:46,103 WHERE YOU FROM? 214 00:08:46,100 --> 00:08:48,630 >> DENVER, COLORADO. 215 00:08:48,633 --> 00:08:50,573 >> Tosh: ARE YOU A PASSIONATE 216 00:08:50,567 --> 00:08:51,427 SPORTS FANS? 217 00:08:51,433 --> 00:08:52,633 >> I'D SAY AM BECAUSE WHEN THE 218 00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:54,573 GUYS ARE PLAYING AND THE GAME IS 219 00:08:54,567 --> 00:08:55,297 HAPPENING -- 220 00:08:55,300 --> 00:08:56,400 >> Tosh: YOU GET EXCITED? 221 00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:57,070 >> YEAH. 222 00:08:57,067 --> 00:08:58,797 I GET EXCITED WHEN WE SCORE A 223 00:08:58,800 --> 00:08:59,500 TOUCHDOWN. 224 00:08:59,500 --> 00:09:00,530 >> Tosh: WHY DID YOU WANT TO 225 00:09:00,533 --> 00:09:02,303 BECOME A BRONCOS CHEERLEADER. 226 00:09:02,300 --> 00:09:03,800 >> I REALIZED WE DON'T HAVE A 227 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:05,730 MALE PRESENCE OUT THERE CHEERING 228 00:09:05,733 --> 00:09:06,573 FOR THE TEAM. 229 00:09:06,567 --> 00:09:08,867 >> Tosh: ARE YOU A PASSIONATE 230 00:09:08,867 --> 00:09:09,627 DANCER? 231 00:09:09,633 --> 00:09:11,873 >> WHEN I DANCE -- 232 00:09:11,867 --> 00:09:12,897 >> Tosh: MM-HMM. 233 00:09:12,900 --> 00:09:15,170 >> I LOSE MYSELF. 234 00:09:15,167 --> 00:09:16,767 >> Tosh: DO YOU FEEL YOU WERE 235 00:09:16,767 --> 00:09:18,427 SNUBBED BECAUSE OF YOUR 236 00:09:18,433 --> 00:09:18,973 GENITALIA. 237 00:09:18,967 --> 00:09:21,167 >> NO, I'VE ONLY BEEN DANCING 238 00:09:21,167 --> 00:09:21,967 TWO MONTHS. 239 00:09:21,967 --> 00:09:23,627 >> Tosh: ARE YOU GOING TO TRY 240 00:09:23,633 --> 00:09:24,803 OUT TO OR THE DENVER BRONCOS 241 00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:29,470 NEXT YEAR? 242 00:09:29,467 --> 00:09:31,067 TAKE AS LONG AS YOU'D LIKE WITH 243 00:09:31,067 --> 00:09:31,727 THIS QUESTION. 244 00:09:31,733 --> 00:09:32,203 >> YEAH. 245 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:33,670 YEAH. 246 00:09:33,667 --> 00:09:35,697 >> Tosh: YOU SHOULDN'T AND 247 00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:37,530 HERE'S WHY, YOU WEREN'T VERY 248 00:09:37,533 --> 00:09:38,073 GOOD. 249 00:09:38,067 --> 00:09:40,327 >> I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU MIGHT 250 00:09:40,333 --> 00:09:41,973 THINK I AM NOT AT THE LEVEL OF 251 00:09:41,967 --> 00:09:43,367 THE GIRLS WHO HAVE BEEN DANCING 252 00:09:43,367 --> 00:09:45,327 SINCE THEY WERE THREE YEARS OLD 253 00:09:45,333 --> 00:09:45,703 -- 254 00:09:45,700 --> 00:09:46,930 >> Tosh: WELL THAT'S WHAT IT 255 00:09:46,933 --> 00:09:50,903 TAKES TO BECOME A DENVER BRONCOS 256 00:09:50,900 --> 00:09:51,470 CHEERLEADER. 257 00:09:51,467 --> 00:09:53,227 I'M TALKING ABOUT THE UPPER 258 00:09:53,233 --> 00:09:53,903 ECHELON. 259 00:09:53,900 --> 00:10:01,770 IF YOU WANT TO CHEER FOR J.V. 260 00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:04,527 SQUAD BUT THEY'RE TOP OF THE 261 00:10:04,533 --> 00:10:05,033 CLASS. 262 00:10:05,033 --> 00:10:06,533 >> YOU'RE POKING MY DREAMS HERE. 263 00:10:06,533 --> 00:10:08,203 >> Tosh: OF COURSE, I HAVE TO 264 00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:10,570 BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T HAVE 265 00:10:10,567 --> 00:10:11,827 SOMEONE LIKE ME WHAT'S GOING TO 266 00:10:11,833 --> 00:10:13,333 INSPIRE YOU? 267 00:10:13,333 --> 00:10:15,033 >> I GOTCHA. 268 00:10:15,033 --> 00:10:16,233 YOU'RE LIKE THE BULLY. 269 00:10:16,233 --> 00:10:18,673 >> Tosh: NO, I'M LIKE THE 270 00:10:18,667 --> 00:10:19,297 FATHER. 271 00:10:19,300 --> 00:10:21,430 WHAT WAS YOUR PASSION BEFORE 272 00:10:21,433 --> 00:10:21,903 DANCE? 273 00:10:21,900 --> 00:10:24,070 >> VIDEO PRODUCTION. 274 00:10:24,067 --> 00:10:25,027 >> Tosh: BEFORE THAT. 275 00:10:25,033 --> 00:10:25,773 >> VIDEO. 276 00:10:25,767 --> 00:10:27,067 >> Tosh: BEFORE THAT. 277 00:10:27,067 --> 00:10:28,197 >> MY MOTHER. 278 00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:29,570 >> Tosh: OKAY. 279 00:10:29,567 --> 00:10:31,397 WHAT DID YOUR FATHER THINK OF 280 00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:32,230 THIS VIDEO? 281 00:10:32,233 --> 00:10:33,903 >> HE WAS VERY SURPRISED BY WHAT 282 00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:34,870 I'M DOING. 283 00:10:34,867 --> 00:10:36,297 IT'S NOT WHAT HE EXPECTED FOR 284 00:10:36,300 --> 00:10:36,870 HIS SON. 285 00:10:36,867 --> 00:10:37,527 >> Tosh: HE WAS SHOCKED. 286 00:10:37,533 --> 00:10:38,773 >> HE WAS SHOCKED. 287 00:10:38,767 --> 00:10:39,797 >> Tosh: ALL RIGHT. 288 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:42,600 AND YOUR MOM, WHAT DID SHE THINK 289 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:43,230 OF IT? 290 00:10:43,233 --> 00:10:45,703 >> SHE ALSO A BIT LIKE SHOCKED. 291 00:10:45,700 --> 00:10:47,370 >> Tosh: WHO WILL ALL THESE 292 00:10:47,367 --> 00:10:48,967 PEOPLE THAT WILL SHOCKED. 293 00:10:48,967 --> 00:10:50,797 IT SEEMS LIKE A COMPLETE PART OF 294 00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:53,270 YOUR PERSONALITY. 295 00:10:53,267 --> 00:10:54,227 OUTRAGEOUS, GOING FOR. 296 00:10:54,233 --> 00:10:55,003 >> EXACTLY. 297 00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:56,400 THAT'S WHAT I DO. 298 00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:58,070 >> Tosh: JUST GETTING TONS OF 299 00:10:58,067 --> 00:10:59,097 [BLEEP] IN THE PROCESS. 300 00:10:59,100 --> 00:11:01,500 >> I LIKE TO CALL THEM MY 301 00:11:01,500 --> 00:11:02,070 SISTERS. 302 00:11:02,067 --> 00:11:02,667 >> Tosh: OKAY. 303 00:11:02,667 --> 00:11:03,967 WERE YOU HONESTLY SHOCKED YOU 304 00:11:03,967 --> 00:11:05,097 DIDN'T GET PICKED? 305 00:11:05,100 --> 00:11:11,870 >> IN MY HEART IT WAS LIKE, UGL. 306 00:11:11,867 --> 00:11:14,527 >> Tosh: DON'T YOU WANT PEOPLE 307 00:11:14,533 --> 00:11:15,273 TO LEARN? 308 00:11:15,267 --> 00:11:17,467 >> I THINK ANYBODY CAN BE A 309 00:11:17,467 --> 00:11:18,167 CHEERLEADER. 310 00:11:18,167 --> 00:11:20,397 >> Tosh: EXCEPT FOR YOU? 311 00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:21,770 >> IF THEY WORK HARD AT IT. 312 00:11:21,767 --> 00:11:24,667 >> Tosh: LISTEN, THERE ARE NO 313 00:11:24,667 --> 00:11:25,767 GLASS CEILINGS FOR MEN. 314 00:11:25,767 --> 00:11:30,067 WE'RE THE ONES THAT INSTALLED 315 00:11:30,067 --> 00:11:30,767 THEM. 316 00:11:30,767 --> 00:11:32,897 FORGET ABOUT THE DENVER BRONCOS 317 00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:34,730 BECAUSE I GOT YOU A GIG WITH THE 318 00:11:34,733 --> 00:11:37,503 WORLD FAMOUS PUSSYCAT DOLLS. 319 00:11:37,500 --> 00:11:40,770 YOU'RE ABOUT TO LEARN THE LIKED 320 00:11:40,767 --> 00:11:46,067 OF FLICK OLE SHER ZINGER. 321 00:11:46,067 --> 00:11:47,297 ARE YOU EXCITED? 322 00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:48,200 >> I'M EXCITED. 323 00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:49,130 >> Tosh: I CAN TELL. 324 00:11:49,133 --> 00:11:52,133 TONIGHT IS A TREAT YOU HAVE THE 325 00:11:52,133 --> 00:11:53,573 PUSSYCAT DOLLS AND THE FIRST 326 00:11:53,567 --> 00:11:56,567 EVER PUSSILESS PUSSYCAT DOLL. 327 00:11:56,567 --> 00:11:58,367 THE WORLD WANT TO KNOW, ARE YOU 328 00:11:58,367 --> 00:12:00,767 READY TO WATCH MY BOY SASHA GIVE 329 00:12:00,767 --> 00:12:02,297 IT ANOTHER SHOT? 330 00:12:02,300 --> 00:12:03,670 [APPLAUSE] 331 00:12:03,667 --> 00:12:22,067 [***] 332 00:12:22,067 --> 00:12:42,067 [***] 333 00:12:42,067 --> 00:13:07,797 [***] 334 00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:09,270 >> Tosh: PERFECT. 335 00:13:09,267 --> 00:13:11,367 GREAT NEWS, SASHA, JUST GOT OFF 336 00:13:11,367 --> 00:13:13,297 THE PHONE WITH THE NEW YORK JETS 337 00:13:13,300 --> 00:13:20,270 AND THEY WANT YOU! 338 00:13:20,267 --> 00:13:23,867 >> AS A CHEERLEADER? 339 00:13:23,867 --> 00:13:27,697 >> Tosh: NO, AS A QUARTERBACK. 340 00:13:27,700 --> 00:13:29,230 THEY'RE UP A CREEK. 341 00:13:29,233 --> 00:13:32,273 I STILL SAY HE'S A SURGERY AWAY 342 00:13:32,267 --> 00:13:33,597 FROM VARSITY. 343 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:36,230 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST 344 00:13:36,233 --> 00:13:38,503 SECURITY GUARD EVERETT'S VIDEO 345 00:13:38,500 --> 00:13:39,270 OF WEEK. 346 00:13:39,267 --> 00:13:41,267 >> WHAT MY NAME IS. 347 00:13:41,267 --> 00:13:42,867 LET ME HEAR YOU. 348 00:13:42,867 --> 00:13:46,797 EVERYBODY SAY, I SAID BUM, BUM, 349 00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:47,530 BUM, BUM. 350 00:13:47,533 --> 00:13:52,703 I SAID, BUM, BUM, BUM, BUM. 351 00:13:52,700 --> 00:13:56,270 LET ME HEAR YOU SAY, BUM, BUM, 352 00:13:56,267 --> 00:14:00,367 BUM, BUM, BUM. 353 00:14:00,367 --> 00:14:10,767 SAY WHO, WHO, WHO. 354 00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:11,597 >> WHERE YOU AT? 355 00:14:17,367 --> 00:14:19,067 >> OKAY, HERE WE GO. 356 00:14:19,067 --> 00:14:32,127 MY MOM'S SLEEP WALKING AND -- 357 00:14:32,133 --> 00:14:33,203 >> IT'S A SPECIAL CODE. 358 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:41,730 >> IS IT? 359 00:14:41,733 --> 00:14:43,503 THE TOMATOE CAGE. 360 00:14:43,500 --> 00:14:47,070 >> YEAH, IS IT SPECIAL THEN. 361 00:14:47,067 --> 00:14:49,467 >> Tosh: I WISH I HAD VIDEO OF 362 00:14:49,467 --> 00:14:51,897 MY MOM SLEEP WALKING BECAUSE SHE 363 00:14:51,900 --> 00:14:53,800 SLEEPS NAKED. 364 00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:55,330 BEAUTIF 365 00:14:55,333 --> 00:14:57,373 BEAUTIFUL TITS 366 00:14:57,367 --> 00:14:58,067 . 367 00:14:58,067 --> 00:15:02,597 YOU KNOW MY BODY REQUIRES A 368 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:05,330 THREE-HOUR CATNAP SO I HAD IT 369 00:15:05,333 --> 00:15:06,533 FILMED TO SEE IF I'M A SLEEP 370 00:15:06,533 --> 00:15:11,933 WALKER. 371 00:15:11,933 --> 00:15:13,673 >> Tosh: THAT WOULD EXPLAIN THE 372 00:15:13,667 --> 00:15:15,827 BRUINS MY CROTCH. 373 00:15:15,833 --> 00:15:18,203 IF I DIDN'T DO THIS DURING MY 374 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:22,500 NAP IT'D NEVER GET DONE. 375 00:15:22,500 --> 00:15:24,800 OKAY, THAT'S A THREE-STAGE 376 00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:27,270 REVERSE OSMOSIS FILTER. 377 00:15:27,267 --> 00:15:28,267 IT SHOULD TASTE FINE. 378 00:15:28,267 --> 00:15:29,697 IN MY DEFENSE, DO I THAT WHEN 379 00:15:29,700 --> 00:15:31,270 I'M AWAKE. 380 00:15:31,267 --> 00:15:33,597 I'M CUTTING THIS OUT OF THE 381 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:34,100 PIECE. 382 00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:35,770 I JUST WANTED TO MAKE HIM DRINK 383 00:15:35,767 --> 00:15:38,267 TUNA OIL. 384 00:15:38,267 --> 00:15:41,897 THAT'S WHAT I FORGOT, GET A 385 00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:42,430 SCREEN. 386 00:15:42,433 --> 00:15:44,703 >> CAN I TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE 387 00:15:44,700 --> 00:15:47,070 ENERGY BENEFITS OF TRIPLE-PANE 388 00:15:47,067 --> 00:15:48,427 WINDOWS FOR YOUR HOME? 389 00:15:48,433 --> 00:16:00,433 >> TOMATOE CAGE. 390 00:16:00,433 --> 00:16:01,933 >> Tosh: SOMEONE LET MY DOGS 391 00:16:01,933 --> 00:16:02,333 OUT. 392 00:16:02,333 --> 00:16:03,433 OKAY. 393 00:16:03,433 --> 00:16:06,973 I THINK WE'VE SEEN ENOUGH. 394 00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:09,267 I'D ALSO LIKE TO POINT OUT IN MY 395 00:16:09,267 --> 00:16:10,427 DREAMS THOSE KIDS WERE MUCH 396 00:16:10,433 --> 00:16:12,333 CUTER AND LATINO. 397 00:16:12,333 --> 00:16:14,233 DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG 398 00:16:14,233 --> 00:16:16,873 AND UPLOAD A CLIP FOR A CHANCE 399 00:16:16,867 --> 00:16:19,297 FOR OUR VIEWER VIDEO THIS WEEK'S 400 00:16:19,300 --> 00:16:26,770 VIDEO COMES TO US FROM JONATHAN 401 00:16:26,767 --> 00:16:29,227 MARGOTTI. 402 00:16:29,233 --> 00:16:30,603 >> WAY HOTTER THAN A NORMAL 403 00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:45,370 ROOM. 404 00:16:45,367 --> 00:16:46,467 >> HEY, HEY. 405 00:16:46,467 --> 00:16:47,127 >> WHAT? 406 00:16:47,133 --> 00:16:49,303 >> ARE YOU HOT? 407 00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:50,900 >> YES. 408 00:16:50,900 --> 00:16:53,430 >> IT'S HOT. 409 00:16:53,433 --> 00:16:54,703 >> I CAN'T HAVE THIS 410 00:16:54,700 --> 00:16:55,300 CONVERSATION. 411 00:16:55,300 --> 00:17:01,100 IT'S TOO HOT. 412 00:17:01,100 --> 00:17:02,900 >> Tosh: IN FAIRNESS THAT GUY 413 00:17:02,900 --> 00:17:04,530 HAS A SWEATER ON. 414 00:17:04,533 --> 00:17:05,503 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE 415 00:17:05,500 --> 00:17:05,730 SNAP. 416 00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:15,427 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 417 00:17:15,433 --> 00:17:15,803 . 418 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:16,530 >> Tosh: WELCOME BACK. 419 00:17:16,533 --> 00:17:17,633 DID YOU FAST FORWARD WITH THE 420 00:17:17,633 --> 00:17:19,703 COMMERCIALS WITH TWO OR THREE 421 00:17:19,700 --> 00:17:21,070 ARROWS AND IF YOU WENT FOUR 422 00:17:21,067 --> 00:17:22,427 DON'T TALK TO ME BECAUSE YOU'RE 423 00:17:22,433 --> 00:17:25,173 A LOOSE CANNON AND YOU'RE MAKING 424 00:17:25,167 --> 00:17:29,267 US AL UNCOMFORTABLE. 425 00:17:29,267 --> 00:17:34,927 I DON'T USUALLY TALK ABOUT 426 00:17:34,933 --> 00:17:37,203 POLITICS BUT I HAVE A PROBLEM. 427 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:40,870 THE CANDIDATES HAVE FAILED TO 428 00:17:40,867 --> 00:17:42,467 PAN DER TO YOU ONION LINE. 429 00:17:42,467 --> 00:17:43,897 >> HE'S THE PRESIDENT OF THE 430 00:17:43,900 --> 00:17:44,700 UNITED STATES AND PEOPLE STILL 431 00:17:44,700 --> 00:17:45,530 HAVE TO SHOW HIM RESPECT. 432 00:17:45,533 --> 00:17:48,973 >> ROMNEY, YOU SUCK! 433 00:17:48,967 --> 00:17:52,097 >> I HAVE TO HAVE MY TEETH IN 434 00:17:52,100 --> 00:17:54,070 WHEN I TALK ABOUT BILL O'REILLY. 435 00:17:54,067 --> 00:17:57,897 >> THIS ECONOMY IS GOING 436 00:17:57,900 --> 00:17:58,470 DOWNWARD. 437 00:17:58,467 --> 00:18:00,697 >> YOU'RE ALL CONCERNED ABOUT 438 00:18:00,700 --> 00:18:03,370 THIS STUPID BUDGET. 439 00:18:03,367 --> 00:18:05,067 STOP SHIFTING OUR FRICK'N MONEY 440 00:18:05,067 --> 00:18:06,367 ACROSS THE OCEAN. 441 00:18:06,367 --> 00:18:08,097 >> VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN IS 442 00:18:08,100 --> 00:18:09,600 MAKING KIDS GAY. 443 00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:10,830 >> Tosh: THAT'S WHAT REAL 444 00:18:10,833 --> 00:18:12,373 AMERICA THINKS? 445 00:18:12,367 --> 00:18:14,497 YOU NEED SOMEBODY NOT AFRAID TO 446 00:18:14,500 --> 00:18:17,100 ANSWER THE TOUGH QUESTIONS. 447 00:18:17,100 --> 00:18:20,430 DANIEL TOSH IS NOT CONTROLLED BY 448 00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:21,433 SPECIAL INTEREST. 449 00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:23,433 JUST VIACOM. 450 00:18:23,433 --> 00:18:25,073 OKAY, ONE SPECIAL INTEREST. 451 00:18:25,067 --> 00:18:27,597 BUT I'M A STRAIGHT SHOOTER AND 452 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:30,470 WE'LL HAVE OUR OWN TOWN HALL 453 00:18:30,467 --> 00:18:31,067 DEBATE. 454 00:18:31,067 --> 00:18:31,867 FIRST QUESTION. 455 00:18:31,867 --> 00:18:33,197 WHAT'S YOUR NAME? 456 00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:34,770 >> JULIO. 457 00:18:34,767 --> 00:18:36,327 >> Tosh: I KNOW WHAT THE 458 00:18:36,333 --> 00:18:38,803 QUESTION AS ABOUT BEFORE YOU 459 00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:40,430 EVEN ASK IT, IMMIGRATION, RIGHT? 460 00:18:40,433 --> 00:18:41,103 >> NO. 461 00:18:41,100 --> 00:18:43,600 HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT INCREASING 462 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,230 FUNDING FOR THE SPACE PROGRAM. 463 00:18:45,233 --> 00:18:46,703 >> Tosh: IMMIGRATION. 464 00:18:46,700 --> 00:18:49,070 FOR STARTERS, I DON'T BELIEVE 465 00:18:49,067 --> 00:18:51,327 SPACE EXISTS. 466 00:18:51,333 --> 00:18:54,373 YOU'RE NOT GOING [BLEEP]ING 467 00:18:54,367 --> 00:18:55,967 ATTACH A VACUUM TO THE ROOMBA 468 00:18:55,967 --> 00:19:02,927 AND SEND IT TO MARS AND TELL ME 469 00:19:02,933 --> 00:19:06,433 ANYTHING UNLESS MY DIRECT TV 470 00:19:06,433 --> 00:19:07,373 SIGNAL'S STRONG. 471 00:19:07,367 --> 00:19:09,067 >> HI, DANIEL. 472 00:19:09,067 --> 00:19:10,067 >> Tosh: HI. 473 00:19:10,067 --> 00:19:11,397 WHAT'S YOUR NAME? 474 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:12,100 >> LAURA. 475 00:19:12,100 --> 00:19:14,100 >> Tosh: I'M GOING TO CALL YOU 476 00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:15,570 HOT SAUCE. 477 00:19:15,567 --> 00:19:16,397 NEXT QUESTION. 478 00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:17,270 WHAT'S YOUR NAME? 479 00:19:17,267 --> 00:19:18,727 >> JIMMY. 480 00:19:18,733 --> 00:19:20,473 >> Tosh: THANKS FOR BEING HERE. 481 00:19:20,467 --> 00:19:22,767 YOU UNDECIDED? 482 00:19:22,767 --> 00:19:25,727 THAT'S A JOKE, JIMMY. 483 00:19:25,733 --> 00:19:33,873 OKAY. 484 00:19:33,867 --> 00:19:35,127 SO WHAT'S YOUR DEAL? 485 00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:36,933 ARE YOU GAY OR NOT? 486 00:19:36,933 --> 00:19:40,733 >> Tosh: GREAT QUESTION. 487 00:19:40,733 --> 00:19:42,073 THANKS FOR ASKING ANDBURY DODGE 488 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:48,430 -- BEFORE I DODGE IT AND LAST 489 00:19:48,433 --> 00:19:50,303 WEEK I WAS WITH A SMALL BUSINESS 490 00:19:50,300 --> 00:19:52,300 OWNER AND HE SAID THIS ECONOMY'S 491 00:19:52,300 --> 00:19:54,470 CRUSHING THE MIDDLE CLASS. 492 00:19:54,467 --> 00:19:56,597 I'M GOING CHANGE THE TONE OF MY 493 00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:59,070 VOICE TO MAKE IT SOUND LIKE MY 494 00:19:59,067 --> 00:20:02,027 ANSWER'S WRAPPING UP AND NOW IT 495 00:20:02,033 --> 00:20:02,473 HAS. 496 00:20:02,467 --> 00:20:03,467 ONE LAST QUESTION. 497 00:20:03,467 --> 00:20:06,127 >> HELLO, DANIEL. 498 00:20:06,133 --> 00:20:07,003 >> Tosh: HMM. 499 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:07,970 >> DO YOU THINK PEOPLE ARE 500 00:20:07,967 --> 00:20:10,197 BETTER OFF NOW THAN FOUR YEARS 501 00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:10,570 AGO. 502 00:20:10,567 --> 00:20:12,297 >> Tosh: PERHAPS YOU DON'T 503 00:20:12,300 --> 00:20:13,500 UNDERSTAND HOW RICH I'VE BECOME 504 00:20:13,500 --> 00:20:14,930 OVER THE LAST FOUR YEARS. 505 00:20:14,933 --> 00:20:17,633 I HAVE AN ANCIENT OLIVE TREE 506 00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:20,103 GROWING IN GLASS IN MY PALATIAL 507 00:20:20,100 --> 00:20:20,500 HOME. 508 00:20:20,500 --> 00:20:22,570 I THINK I'M DOING BETTER. 509 00:20:22,567 --> 00:20:24,597 NEXT WEEK THIS KID GETS REDEEMED 510 00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:25,970 FOR BEING LOVE SICK AND TONE 511 00:20:25,967 --> 00:20:31,197 DEAF. 512 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:34,130 * LOOK INTO MY EYES * 513 00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:38,873 * YOU'LL SEE WHAT YOU MEAN TO ME 514 00:20:38,867 --> 00:20:39,397 * 515 00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:40,770 >> Tosh: EVERY 50-YEAR-OLD'S 516 00:20:40,767 --> 00:20:43,297 PANTIES JUST GOT A LITTLE MOIST. 517 00:20:43,300 --> 00:20:46,370 FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER AND GO TO 518 00:20:46,367 --> 00:20:48,127 OUR BLOG AND BUY STUFF ON OUR 519 00:20:48,133 --> 00:20:52,303 TOUR AND HAPPY TO BRAG ABOUT MY 520 00:20:52,300 --> 00:20:57,270 UPCOMING SHOW IN PORTLAND, 521 00:20:57,267 --> 00:21:04,427 OREGON THE 25th AND HERE'S YOUR 522 00:21:04,433 --> 00:21:11,433 BRICKLEBERRY SPOIL ALERT. 523 00:21:11,433 --> 00:21:15,473 STAY TUNED FOR JIMMY FALLON. 524 00:21:18,133 --> 00:21:19,773 >> HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED 525 00:21:19,767 --> 00:21:22,197 TUCKING? 526 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:23,070 >> WHERE? 527 00:21:23,067 --> 00:21:24,467 >> Tosh: BETWEEN YOUR LEGS SO 528 00:21:24,467 --> 00:21:26,527 IT'S NOT HELD AGAINST YOU. 529 00:21:26,533 --> 00:21:28,433 >> YOU THINK THE FACT THAT I'M A 530 00:21:28,433 --> 00:21:29,133 MAN IS -- 32598

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