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>> WHOO!
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> Tosh: DYING IS A THREE-POINT
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DEDUCTION.
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WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."
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TONIGHT'S OVERPRICED CONCERT TEE
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WITH SEXY STUBBLE IS CAPTAIN
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MURPHY.
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MMM.
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THEY'RE SO UNDERGROUND.
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HAD A CONCERT T DESIGNED FOR
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THEM.
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I RE DEEMED THIS DIRTY DANCER
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AND PROVE DEMOCRACY SUCKS
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BECAUSE IT ALLOWS YOU IDIOTS TO
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HAVE A VOICE.
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ON DEGREE OF DIFFICULT ALONE I
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RESPECT THIS GUY.
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THAT'S ASKING A LOT FROM YOUR
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COAT RACK.
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PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH
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MORE CHALK.
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ROCKSTAR ENERGY HAS A SMALLER
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STUNT BUDGET THAN REDBULL.
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BY THE WAY, THAT'S RANKED NUMBER
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ONE ON SUNSET MAGAZINE'S LIST OF
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MOST BEAUTIFUL PLACES TO COMMIT
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SUICIDE.
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SEEMS ELABORATE BUT TO EACH HIS
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OWN.
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THAT WASN'T JUST A STUPID BIT,
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IT WAS ALSO CRIES FOR HELP.
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I'M EXTREMELY DEPRESSED.
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SERIOUS QUESTION, CAN DOGS GET
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PUT DOWN FOR DATE RAPE?
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IT'S SO AWKWARD HOOKING UP WITH
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YOUR BEST FRIEND.
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NEXT HE CAN TAKE THEM OUT FOR A
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WALK OF SHAME.
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I LOVE BESTIALITY PORN.
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YOU'VE NEVER SEEN TURNER AND
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COOCH?
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WHAT ABOUT RIM TIN TIN?
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AIR BUTT?
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GAYTHOVEN.
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MARLEE AND PEE.
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THE MARMDUKKAKE.
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MUST LOVE DOGS AND ANAL.
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DOGGY PORN IS A TREAT AND I'M
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THE ONLY ONE GETTING OFF ON IT.
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YOU CAN TELL A LOT FROM A PERSON
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FROM THE BAGGAGE THEY CARRY.
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LOOKS LIKE ELIZA DUSHKU'S BACK
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IN TOWN.
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WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?
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A BIG BLACK WEAPON LIKE THAT CAN
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NEVER BE A CARRY-ON.
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GREAT.
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IT GOT SCUFFED UP.
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THANKS, UNITED.
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YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU CAN'T JUST
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FINGER YOURSELF TWO DAYS IN
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TAHOE?
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IT'S GOT TO COME.
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ACTUALLY IF YOU WANT TO GET
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TECHNICAL BASED ON COLOR I'M
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CONFIDENT THIS WAS A SOUTHWEST
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FLIGHT.
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WHERE GIANT BLACK DILDOS FLY
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FREE.
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NOT MINE.
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I'D TIE RED AROUNDAROUND MINE.
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THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME.
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I MIGHT HAVE OVER PACKED BUT YOU
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NEVER KNOW WHERE THE DAY WILL
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TAKE
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YOU GET IT THREE WEEK UNTIL WE
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SAY KANYE IN THESE SENSIBLE
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SHOES.
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JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT WOMEN
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COULDN'T MOVE ANY SLOWER.
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I'D LIKE TO YOU MEET MY
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GIRLFRIEND.
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HE'S A BALLERINA WITH GOUT.
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IF YOU GET PAST THE FACT SHE
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LOOKS LIKE SHE HAS TO TAKE A
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DUMP IT'S AN ALLURING POSE.
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IT WILL BE DIFFICULT FOR HER TO
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BRING ME MY SANDWICH.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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[BLEEP] SCREW WAITING TWO
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SECONDS.
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THE STAIRS WON'T BE THERE
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FOREVER.
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NOW LET'S SEE WHY I HOPE I DIE
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BEFORE I GET OLD IN THE WEEK'S
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BREAKDOWN.
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JUST ANOTHER DAY AT COMMUNITY
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COLLEGE WHERE KIDS WHO CAN'T GET
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INTO A STATE SCHOOL SHARE CAMPUS
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WITH OLD PEOPLE WHO WANT TO
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LEARN COMPUTERS.
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LOOK THAT THE HIPSTER FRESHMAN
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ONE STRAP IN A JANSPORT.
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GAM, GAM, DOWN.
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MAYBE IT WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPEN
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FRIDAY YOU WEREN'T 45 YEARS LATE
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TO CLASS.
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HOW MANY OF YOU THINK THE SWEET
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DEFENSELESS OLD WOMAN IS A VICK?
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YOU'RE WRONG.
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TO ME SHE'S A DUSTY OLD DRIED
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OUT [BLEEP] AND I CAN PROVE IT.
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LET'S EXAMINE THE EVIDENCE FRAME
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BY FRAME.
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HE'S ABOUT TO SKATE AROUND HER
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WHEN SHE GOES QUICK AND TO THE
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RIGHT.
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QUICK AND TO THE RIGHT.
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QUICK AND TO THE RIGHT.
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THAT CRAZY BITCH WANTED TO GET
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HIT.
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CASE CLOSED.
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GOOD IDEA.
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THERE'S NO WAY CAMPUS SECURITY
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IS GOING TO SEE THINGS OUR WAY.
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SHE IS SURPRISED.
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I'D RUN TOO FROM HERE THAT LOOKS
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LIKE RIC FLAIR.
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>> WHOA.
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>> SHE'S ACTIVATED HER OLD MAN
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STRENGTH.
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>> YOU ARE.
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STOP IT.
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>> YOU [BLEEP].
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NICKEL IN THE SWEAR JAR, NANA.
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I HOPE YOU DON'T KISS YOUR MOM
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WITH THAT GUTTER MOUTH.
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I'M NOT SURE HOW PROFITABLE HER
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INSURANCE SCAM WOULD HAVE BEEN
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AGAINST THE SKATER ANY HOW.
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WHAT'S HE WORTH BE AN iPOD
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TOUCH?
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WE'LL BE BACK WITH THE
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REDEMPTION AND I HEARD YOUR
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HAVING A POOL PARTY.
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GREAT.
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CAN I BRING MY JETSKI?
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> I'M AT THE DENVER BRONCOS
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CHEERLEADER TRYOUTS TO BE THE
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FIRST MALE BRONCOS
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CHEERLEADER...
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EVER.
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NO MALE HAS EVER MADE IT THROUGH
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AUDITION.
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I DON'T EVEN NO IF A MALE MADE
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IT TO AUDITION.
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I'M A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED.
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I GAVE ALL I GOT AND I JUST
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DIDN'T MAKE THE CUT.
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>> Tosh: I HEARD YOU GOT TO BE A
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REAL SLUT TO MAKE THE BRONCOS
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CHEERLEADING TEAM.
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THAT POM-POM PRINCESS SASHA AND
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HE'S NOT GOING LET HIS SHLONG
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GET NAT WAY.
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HE'S BRAVE.
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EVERYBODY IN THAT CITY IS INSANE
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AND THE ALTITUDE IS ABOUT TO
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MAKE PEYTON MANNING'S FOREHEAD
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EXPLODE.
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IF THEY HIRED SASHA THEY'D HAVE
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TO HIRE HIM TWICE AS MUCH
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BECAUSE MEN CAN DO A FULL DAY'S
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WORK IN THE TIME IT TAKES A
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WOMAN TO TELL A CO-WORKER ABOUT
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HER WEEKEND AND IF IT WEREN'T
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FOR MEN THE PLANET WOULD BE
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OVERRUN WITH SPIDERS.
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I MISS THE GOOD OLD DAYS.
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NOW WOMEN FORCE US TO GO TO
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COUPLES THERAPY IF WE DON'T
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REPLY TO THEIR TEXT FAST ENOUGH.
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THERE ARE ONLY TWO REAL MEN LEFT
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IN THE WORLD, LUMERJACKS AND
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LIAM NEESON.
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EVERYBODY ELSE IS JUST A WOOS
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WITH A MACBOOK.
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AM I LESS OF A MAN BECAUSE I SIT
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DOWN TO PEE AND WEAR MAKE UP
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MORE.
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I GUARANTEE I BANG MORE CENTER
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FOLDS THAN ANY OF YOU.
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HE'S NOT AFRAID TO DANCE AND
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CHEER AND THAT MAKES HIM A MAN
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IN MY BOOK SO I BROUGHT HIM TO
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L.A.
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>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.
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HERE IS YOUR CHECK.
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IF YOU LEAVE A BIG TIP I'LL LET
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YOU PUT YOUR TIP ANYWHERE YOU'D
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LIKE.
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I GOT DOUBLE SACKS.
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>> IT'S ME SASHA.
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>> HEY, GLAD YOU CAN COME.
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I WANT YOU KNOW I KNOW WHAT IT
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FEELS LIKE TO BE DISCRIMINATED
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AGAINST.
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I HAVE SMALL BESTS.
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>> GET BACK TO WORK.
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>> Tosh: SUCK MY [BLEEP].
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WHERE YOU FROM?
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>> DENVER, COLORADO.
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>> Tosh: ARE YOU A PASSIONATE
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SPORTS FANS?
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>> I'D SAY AM BECAUSE WHEN THE
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GUYS ARE PLAYING AND THE GAME IS
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HAPPENING --
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>> Tosh: YOU GET EXCITED?
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>> YEAH.
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I GET EXCITED WHEN WE SCORE A
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TOUCHDOWN.
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>> Tosh: WHY DID YOU WANT TO
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BECOME A BRONCOS CHEERLEADER.
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>> I REALIZED WE DON'T HAVE A
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MALE PRESENCE OUT THERE CHEERING
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FOR THE TEAM.
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>> Tosh: ARE YOU A PASSIONATE
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DANCER?
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>> WHEN I DANCE --
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>> Tosh: MM-HMM.
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>> I LOSE MYSELF.
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>> Tosh: DO YOU FEEL YOU WERE
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SNUBBED BECAUSE OF YOUR
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GENITALIA.
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>> NO, I'VE ONLY BEEN DANCING
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TWO MONTHS.
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>> Tosh: ARE YOU GOING TO TRY
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OUT TO OR THE DENVER BRONCOS
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NEXT YEAR?
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TAKE AS LONG AS YOU'D LIKE WITH
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THIS QUESTION.
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>> YEAH.
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YEAH.
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>> Tosh: YOU SHOULDN'T AND
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HERE'S WHY, YOU WEREN'T VERY
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GOOD.
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>> I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU MIGHT
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THINK I AM NOT AT THE LEVEL OF
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THE GIRLS WHO HAVE BEEN DANCING
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SINCE THEY WERE THREE YEARS OLD
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--
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>> Tosh: WELL THAT'S WHAT IT
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TAKES TO BECOME A DENVER BRONCOS
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CHEERLEADER.
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I'M TALKING ABOUT THE UPPER
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ECHELON.
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IF YOU WANT TO CHEER FOR J.V.
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SQUAD BUT THEY'RE TOP OF THE
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CLASS.
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>> YOU'RE POKING MY DREAMS HERE.
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>> Tosh: OF COURSE, I HAVE TO
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BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T HAVE
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SOMEONE LIKE ME WHAT'S GOING TO
266
00:10:11,833 --> 00:10:13,333
INSPIRE YOU?
267
00:10:13,333 --> 00:10:15,033
>> I GOTCHA.
268
00:10:15,033 --> 00:10:16,233
YOU'RE LIKE THE BULLY.
269
00:10:16,233 --> 00:10:18,673
>> Tosh: NO, I'M LIKE THE
270
00:10:18,667 --> 00:10:19,297
FATHER.
271
00:10:19,300 --> 00:10:21,430
WHAT WAS YOUR PASSION BEFORE
272
00:10:21,433 --> 00:10:21,903
DANCE?
273
00:10:21,900 --> 00:10:24,070
>> VIDEO PRODUCTION.
274
00:10:24,067 --> 00:10:25,027
>> Tosh: BEFORE THAT.
275
00:10:25,033 --> 00:10:25,773
>> VIDEO.
276
00:10:25,767 --> 00:10:27,067
>> Tosh: BEFORE THAT.
277
00:10:27,067 --> 00:10:28,197
>> MY MOTHER.
278
00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:29,570
>> Tosh: OKAY.
279
00:10:29,567 --> 00:10:31,397
WHAT DID YOUR FATHER THINK OF
280
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:32,230
THIS VIDEO?
281
00:10:32,233 --> 00:10:33,903
>> HE WAS VERY SURPRISED BY WHAT
282
00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:34,870
I'M DOING.
283
00:10:34,867 --> 00:10:36,297
IT'S NOT WHAT HE EXPECTED FOR
284
00:10:36,300 --> 00:10:36,870
HIS SON.
285
00:10:36,867 --> 00:10:37,527
>> Tosh: HE WAS SHOCKED.
286
00:10:37,533 --> 00:10:38,773
>> HE WAS SHOCKED.
287
00:10:38,767 --> 00:10:39,797
>> Tosh: ALL RIGHT.
288
00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:42,600
AND YOUR MOM, WHAT DID SHE THINK
289
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:43,230
OF IT?
290
00:10:43,233 --> 00:10:45,703
>> SHE ALSO A BIT LIKE SHOCKED.
291
00:10:45,700 --> 00:10:47,370
>> Tosh: WHO WILL ALL THESE
292
00:10:47,367 --> 00:10:48,967
PEOPLE THAT WILL SHOCKED.
293
00:10:48,967 --> 00:10:50,797
IT SEEMS LIKE A COMPLETE PART OF
294
00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:53,270
YOUR PERSONALITY.
295
00:10:53,267 --> 00:10:54,227
OUTRAGEOUS, GOING FOR.
296
00:10:54,233 --> 00:10:55,003
>> EXACTLY.
297
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:56,400
THAT'S WHAT I DO.
298
00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:58,070
>> Tosh: JUST GETTING TONS OF
299
00:10:58,067 --> 00:10:59,097
[BLEEP] IN THE PROCESS.
300
00:10:59,100 --> 00:11:01,500
>> I LIKE TO CALL THEM MY
301
00:11:01,500 --> 00:11:02,070
SISTERS.
302
00:11:02,067 --> 00:11:02,667
>> Tosh: OKAY.
303
00:11:02,667 --> 00:11:03,967
WERE YOU HONESTLY SHOCKED YOU
304
00:11:03,967 --> 00:11:05,097
DIDN'T GET PICKED?
305
00:11:05,100 --> 00:11:11,870
>> IN MY HEART IT WAS LIKE, UGL.
306
00:11:11,867 --> 00:11:14,527
>> Tosh: DON'T YOU WANT PEOPLE
307
00:11:14,533 --> 00:11:15,273
TO LEARN?
308
00:11:15,267 --> 00:11:17,467
>> I THINK ANYBODY CAN BE A
309
00:11:17,467 --> 00:11:18,167
CHEERLEADER.
310
00:11:18,167 --> 00:11:20,397
>> Tosh: EXCEPT FOR YOU?
311
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:21,770
>> IF THEY WORK HARD AT IT.
312
00:11:21,767 --> 00:11:24,667
>> Tosh: LISTEN, THERE ARE NO
313
00:11:24,667 --> 00:11:25,767
GLASS CEILINGS FOR MEN.
314
00:11:25,767 --> 00:11:30,067
WE'RE THE ONES THAT INSTALLED
315
00:11:30,067 --> 00:11:30,767
THEM.
316
00:11:30,767 --> 00:11:32,897
FORGET ABOUT THE DENVER BRONCOS
317
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:34,730
BECAUSE I GOT YOU A GIG WITH THE
318
00:11:34,733 --> 00:11:37,503
WORLD FAMOUS PUSSYCAT DOLLS.
319
00:11:37,500 --> 00:11:40,770
YOU'RE ABOUT TO LEARN THE LIKED
320
00:11:40,767 --> 00:11:46,067
OF FLICK OLE SHER ZINGER.
321
00:11:46,067 --> 00:11:47,297
ARE YOU EXCITED?
322
00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:48,200
>> I'M EXCITED.
323
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:49,130
>> Tosh: I CAN TELL.
324
00:11:49,133 --> 00:11:52,133
TONIGHT IS A TREAT YOU HAVE THE
325
00:11:52,133 --> 00:11:53,573
PUSSYCAT DOLLS AND THE FIRST
326
00:11:53,567 --> 00:11:56,567
EVER PUSSILESS PUSSYCAT DOLL.
327
00:11:56,567 --> 00:11:58,367
THE WORLD WANT TO KNOW, ARE YOU
328
00:11:58,367 --> 00:12:00,767
READY TO WATCH MY BOY SASHA GIVE
329
00:12:00,767 --> 00:12:02,297
IT ANOTHER SHOT?
330
00:12:02,300 --> 00:12:03,670
[APPLAUSE]
331
00:12:03,667 --> 00:12:22,067
[***]
332
00:12:22,067 --> 00:12:42,067
[***]
333
00:12:42,067 --> 00:13:07,797
[***]
334
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:09,270
>> Tosh: PERFECT.
335
00:13:09,267 --> 00:13:11,367
GREAT NEWS, SASHA, JUST GOT OFF
336
00:13:11,367 --> 00:13:13,297
THE PHONE WITH THE NEW YORK JETS
337
00:13:13,300 --> 00:13:20,270
AND THEY WANT YOU!
338
00:13:20,267 --> 00:13:23,867
>> AS A CHEERLEADER?
339
00:13:23,867 --> 00:13:27,697
>> Tosh: NO, AS A QUARTERBACK.
340
00:13:27,700 --> 00:13:29,230
THEY'RE UP A CREEK.
341
00:13:29,233 --> 00:13:32,273
I STILL SAY HE'S A SURGERY AWAY
342
00:13:32,267 --> 00:13:33,597
FROM VARSITY.
343
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:36,230
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST
344
00:13:36,233 --> 00:13:38,503
SECURITY GUARD EVERETT'S VIDEO
345
00:13:38,500 --> 00:13:39,270
OF WEEK.
346
00:13:39,267 --> 00:13:41,267
>> WHAT MY NAME IS.
347
00:13:41,267 --> 00:13:42,867
LET ME HEAR YOU.
348
00:13:42,867 --> 00:13:46,797
EVERYBODY SAY, I SAID BUM, BUM,
349
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:47,530
BUM, BUM.
350
00:13:47,533 --> 00:13:52,703
I SAID, BUM, BUM, BUM, BUM.
351
00:13:52,700 --> 00:13:56,270
LET ME HEAR YOU SAY, BUM, BUM,
352
00:13:56,267 --> 00:14:00,367
BUM, BUM, BUM.
353
00:14:00,367 --> 00:14:10,767
SAY WHO, WHO, WHO.
354
00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:11,597
>> WHERE YOU AT?
355
00:14:17,367 --> 00:14:19,067
>> OKAY, HERE WE GO.
356
00:14:19,067 --> 00:14:32,127
MY MOM'S SLEEP WALKING AND --
357
00:14:32,133 --> 00:14:33,203
>> IT'S A SPECIAL CODE.
358
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:41,730
>> IS IT?
359
00:14:41,733 --> 00:14:43,503
THE TOMATOE CAGE.
360
00:14:43,500 --> 00:14:47,070
>> YEAH, IS IT SPECIAL THEN.
361
00:14:47,067 --> 00:14:49,467
>> Tosh: I WISH I HAD VIDEO OF
362
00:14:49,467 --> 00:14:51,897
MY MOM SLEEP WALKING BECAUSE SHE
363
00:14:51,900 --> 00:14:53,800
SLEEPS NAKED.
364
00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:55,330
BEAUTIF
365
00:14:55,333 --> 00:14:57,373
BEAUTIFUL TITS
366
00:14:57,367 --> 00:14:58,067
.
367
00:14:58,067 --> 00:15:02,597
YOU KNOW MY BODY REQUIRES A
368
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:05,330
THREE-HOUR CATNAP SO I HAD IT
369
00:15:05,333 --> 00:15:06,533
FILMED TO SEE IF I'M A SLEEP
370
00:15:06,533 --> 00:15:11,933
WALKER.
371
00:15:11,933 --> 00:15:13,673
>> Tosh: THAT WOULD EXPLAIN THE
372
00:15:13,667 --> 00:15:15,827
BRUINS MY CROTCH.
373
00:15:15,833 --> 00:15:18,203
IF I DIDN'T DO THIS DURING MY
374
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:22,500
NAP IT'D NEVER GET DONE.
375
00:15:22,500 --> 00:15:24,800
OKAY, THAT'S A THREE-STAGE
376
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:27,270
REVERSE OSMOSIS FILTER.
377
00:15:27,267 --> 00:15:28,267
IT SHOULD TASTE FINE.
378
00:15:28,267 --> 00:15:29,697
IN MY DEFENSE, DO I THAT WHEN
379
00:15:29,700 --> 00:15:31,270
I'M AWAKE.
380
00:15:31,267 --> 00:15:33,597
I'M CUTTING THIS OUT OF THE
381
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:34,100
PIECE.
382
00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:35,770
I JUST WANTED TO MAKE HIM DRINK
383
00:15:35,767 --> 00:15:38,267
TUNA OIL.
384
00:15:38,267 --> 00:15:41,897
THAT'S WHAT I FORGOT, GET A
385
00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:42,430
SCREEN.
386
00:15:42,433 --> 00:15:44,703
>> CAN I TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE
387
00:15:44,700 --> 00:15:47,070
ENERGY BENEFITS OF TRIPLE-PANE
388
00:15:47,067 --> 00:15:48,427
WINDOWS FOR YOUR HOME?
389
00:15:48,433 --> 00:16:00,433
>> TOMATOE CAGE.
390
00:16:00,433 --> 00:16:01,933
>> Tosh: SOMEONE LET MY DOGS
391
00:16:01,933 --> 00:16:02,333
OUT.
392
00:16:02,333 --> 00:16:03,433
OKAY.
393
00:16:03,433 --> 00:16:06,973
I THINK WE'VE SEEN ENOUGH.
394
00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:09,267
I'D ALSO LIKE TO POINT OUT IN MY
395
00:16:09,267 --> 00:16:10,427
DREAMS THOSE KIDS WERE MUCH
396
00:16:10,433 --> 00:16:12,333
CUTER AND LATINO.
397
00:16:12,333 --> 00:16:14,233
DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG
398
00:16:14,233 --> 00:16:16,873
AND UPLOAD A CLIP FOR A CHANCE
399
00:16:16,867 --> 00:16:19,297
FOR OUR VIEWER VIDEO THIS WEEK'S
400
00:16:19,300 --> 00:16:26,770
VIDEO COMES TO US FROM JONATHAN
401
00:16:26,767 --> 00:16:29,227
MARGOTTI.
402
00:16:29,233 --> 00:16:30,603
>> WAY HOTTER THAN A NORMAL
403
00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:45,370
ROOM.
404
00:16:45,367 --> 00:16:46,467
>> HEY, HEY.
405
00:16:46,467 --> 00:16:47,127
>> WHAT?
406
00:16:47,133 --> 00:16:49,303
>> ARE YOU HOT?
407
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:50,900
>> YES.
408
00:16:50,900 --> 00:16:53,430
>> IT'S HOT.
409
00:16:53,433 --> 00:16:54,703
>> I CAN'T HAVE THIS
410
00:16:54,700 --> 00:16:55,300
CONVERSATION.
411
00:16:55,300 --> 00:17:01,100
IT'S TOO HOT.
412
00:17:01,100 --> 00:17:02,900
>> Tosh: IN FAIRNESS THAT GUY
413
00:17:02,900 --> 00:17:04,530
HAS A SWEATER ON.
414
00:17:04,533 --> 00:17:05,503
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
415
00:17:05,500 --> 00:17:05,730
SNAP.
416
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:15,427
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
417
00:17:15,433 --> 00:17:15,803
.
418
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:16,530
>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.
419
00:17:16,533 --> 00:17:17,633
DID YOU FAST FORWARD WITH THE
420
00:17:17,633 --> 00:17:19,703
COMMERCIALS WITH TWO OR THREE
421
00:17:19,700 --> 00:17:21,070
ARROWS AND IF YOU WENT FOUR
422
00:17:21,067 --> 00:17:22,427
DON'T TALK TO ME BECAUSE YOU'RE
423
00:17:22,433 --> 00:17:25,173
A LOOSE CANNON AND YOU'RE MAKING
424
00:17:25,167 --> 00:17:29,267
US AL UNCOMFORTABLE.
425
00:17:29,267 --> 00:17:34,927
I DON'T USUALLY TALK ABOUT
426
00:17:34,933 --> 00:17:37,203
POLITICS BUT I HAVE A PROBLEM.
427
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:40,870
THE CANDIDATES HAVE FAILED TO
428
00:17:40,867 --> 00:17:42,467
PAN DER TO YOU ONION LINE.
429
00:17:42,467 --> 00:17:43,897
>> HE'S THE PRESIDENT OF THE
430
00:17:43,900 --> 00:17:44,700
UNITED STATES AND PEOPLE STILL
431
00:17:44,700 --> 00:17:45,530
HAVE TO SHOW HIM RESPECT.
432
00:17:45,533 --> 00:17:48,973
>> ROMNEY, YOU SUCK!
433
00:17:48,967 --> 00:17:52,097
>> I HAVE TO HAVE MY TEETH IN
434
00:17:52,100 --> 00:17:54,070
WHEN I TALK ABOUT BILL O'REILLY.
435
00:17:54,067 --> 00:17:57,897
>> THIS ECONOMY IS GOING
436
00:17:57,900 --> 00:17:58,470
DOWNWARD.
437
00:17:58,467 --> 00:18:00,697
>> YOU'RE ALL CONCERNED ABOUT
438
00:18:00,700 --> 00:18:03,370
THIS STUPID BUDGET.
439
00:18:03,367 --> 00:18:05,067
STOP SHIFTING OUR FRICK'N MONEY
440
00:18:05,067 --> 00:18:06,367
ACROSS THE OCEAN.
441
00:18:06,367 --> 00:18:08,097
>> VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN IS
442
00:18:08,100 --> 00:18:09,600
MAKING KIDS GAY.
443
00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:10,830
>> Tosh: THAT'S WHAT REAL
444
00:18:10,833 --> 00:18:12,373
AMERICA THINKS?
445
00:18:12,367 --> 00:18:14,497
YOU NEED SOMEBODY NOT AFRAID TO
446
00:18:14,500 --> 00:18:17,100
ANSWER THE TOUGH QUESTIONS.
447
00:18:17,100 --> 00:18:20,430
DANIEL TOSH IS NOT CONTROLLED BY
448
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:21,433
SPECIAL INTEREST.
449
00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:23,433
JUST VIACOM.
450
00:18:23,433 --> 00:18:25,073
OKAY, ONE SPECIAL INTEREST.
451
00:18:25,067 --> 00:18:27,597
BUT I'M A STRAIGHT SHOOTER AND
452
00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:30,470
WE'LL HAVE OUR OWN TOWN HALL
453
00:18:30,467 --> 00:18:31,067
DEBATE.
454
00:18:31,067 --> 00:18:31,867
FIRST QUESTION.
455
00:18:31,867 --> 00:18:33,197
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
456
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:34,770
>> JULIO.
457
00:18:34,767 --> 00:18:36,327
>> Tosh: I KNOW WHAT THE
458
00:18:36,333 --> 00:18:38,803
QUESTION AS ABOUT BEFORE YOU
459
00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:40,430
EVEN ASK IT, IMMIGRATION, RIGHT?
460
00:18:40,433 --> 00:18:41,103
>> NO.
461
00:18:41,100 --> 00:18:43,600
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT INCREASING
462
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,230
FUNDING FOR THE SPACE PROGRAM.
463
00:18:45,233 --> 00:18:46,703
>> Tosh: IMMIGRATION.
464
00:18:46,700 --> 00:18:49,070
FOR STARTERS, I DON'T BELIEVE
465
00:18:49,067 --> 00:18:51,327
SPACE EXISTS.
466
00:18:51,333 --> 00:18:54,373
YOU'RE NOT GOING [BLEEP]ING
467
00:18:54,367 --> 00:18:55,967
ATTACH A VACUUM TO THE ROOMBA
468
00:18:55,967 --> 00:19:02,927
AND SEND IT TO MARS AND TELL ME
469
00:19:02,933 --> 00:19:06,433
ANYTHING UNLESS MY DIRECT TV
470
00:19:06,433 --> 00:19:07,373
SIGNAL'S STRONG.
471
00:19:07,367 --> 00:19:09,067
>> HI, DANIEL.
472
00:19:09,067 --> 00:19:10,067
>> Tosh: HI.
473
00:19:10,067 --> 00:19:11,397
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
474
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:12,100
>> LAURA.
475
00:19:12,100 --> 00:19:14,100
>> Tosh: I'M GOING TO CALL YOU
476
00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:15,570
HOT SAUCE.
477
00:19:15,567 --> 00:19:16,397
NEXT QUESTION.
478
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:17,270
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
479
00:19:17,267 --> 00:19:18,727
>> JIMMY.
480
00:19:18,733 --> 00:19:20,473
>> Tosh: THANKS FOR BEING HERE.
481
00:19:20,467 --> 00:19:22,767
YOU UNDECIDED?
482
00:19:22,767 --> 00:19:25,727
THAT'S A JOKE, JIMMY.
483
00:19:25,733 --> 00:19:33,873
OKAY.
484
00:19:33,867 --> 00:19:35,127
SO WHAT'S YOUR DEAL?
485
00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:36,933
ARE YOU GAY OR NOT?
486
00:19:36,933 --> 00:19:40,733
>> Tosh: GREAT QUESTION.
487
00:19:40,733 --> 00:19:42,073
THANKS FOR ASKING ANDBURY DODGE
488
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:48,430
-- BEFORE I DODGE IT AND LAST
489
00:19:48,433 --> 00:19:50,303
WEEK I WAS WITH A SMALL BUSINESS
490
00:19:50,300 --> 00:19:52,300
OWNER AND HE SAID THIS ECONOMY'S
491
00:19:52,300 --> 00:19:54,470
CRUSHING THE MIDDLE CLASS.
492
00:19:54,467 --> 00:19:56,597
I'M GOING CHANGE THE TONE OF MY
493
00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:59,070
VOICE TO MAKE IT SOUND LIKE MY
494
00:19:59,067 --> 00:20:02,027
ANSWER'S WRAPPING UP AND NOW IT
495
00:20:02,033 --> 00:20:02,473
HAS.
496
00:20:02,467 --> 00:20:03,467
ONE LAST QUESTION.
497
00:20:03,467 --> 00:20:06,127
>> HELLO, DANIEL.
498
00:20:06,133 --> 00:20:07,003
>> Tosh: HMM.
499
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:07,970
>> DO YOU THINK PEOPLE ARE
500
00:20:07,967 --> 00:20:10,197
BETTER OFF NOW THAN FOUR YEARS
501
00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:10,570
AGO.
502
00:20:10,567 --> 00:20:12,297
>> Tosh: PERHAPS YOU DON'T
503
00:20:12,300 --> 00:20:13,500
UNDERSTAND HOW RICH I'VE BECOME
504
00:20:13,500 --> 00:20:14,930
OVER THE LAST FOUR YEARS.
505
00:20:14,933 --> 00:20:17,633
I HAVE AN ANCIENT OLIVE TREE
506
00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:20,103
GROWING IN GLASS IN MY PALATIAL
507
00:20:20,100 --> 00:20:20,500
HOME.
508
00:20:20,500 --> 00:20:22,570
I THINK I'M DOING BETTER.
509
00:20:22,567 --> 00:20:24,597
NEXT WEEK THIS KID GETS REDEEMED
510
00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:25,970
FOR BEING LOVE SICK AND TONE
511
00:20:25,967 --> 00:20:31,197
DEAF.
512
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:34,130
* LOOK INTO MY EYES *
513
00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:38,873
* YOU'LL SEE WHAT YOU MEAN TO ME
514
00:20:38,867 --> 00:20:39,397
*
515
00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:40,770
>> Tosh: EVERY 50-YEAR-OLD'S
516
00:20:40,767 --> 00:20:43,297
PANTIES JUST GOT A LITTLE MOIST.
517
00:20:43,300 --> 00:20:46,370
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER AND GO TO
518
00:20:46,367 --> 00:20:48,127
OUR BLOG AND BUY STUFF ON OUR
519
00:20:48,133 --> 00:20:52,303
TOUR AND HAPPY TO BRAG ABOUT MY
520
00:20:52,300 --> 00:20:57,270
UPCOMING SHOW IN PORTLAND,
521
00:20:57,267 --> 00:21:04,427
OREGON THE 25th AND HERE'S YOUR
522
00:21:04,433 --> 00:21:11,433
BRICKLEBERRY SPOIL ALERT.
523
00:21:11,433 --> 00:21:15,473
STAY TUNED FOR JIMMY FALLON.
524
00:21:18,133 --> 00:21:19,773
>> HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED
525
00:21:19,767 --> 00:21:22,197
TUCKING?
526
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:23,070
>> WHERE?
527
00:21:23,067 --> 00:21:24,467
>> Tosh: BETWEEN YOUR LEGS SO
528
00:21:24,467 --> 00:21:26,527
IT'S NOT HELD AGAINST YOU.
529
00:21:26,533 --> 00:21:28,433
>> YOU THINK THE FACT THAT I'M A
530
00:21:28,433 --> 00:21:29,133
MAN IS --
32598
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