All language subtitles for Tosh.0.S04E14_English

af Afrikaans
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bn Bengali
bs Bosnian
bg Bulgarian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch Download
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
km Khmer
ko Korean
ku Kurdish (Kurmanji)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Lao
la Latin
lv Latvian
lt Lithuanian
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
ne Nepali
no Norwegian
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt Portuguese
pa Punjabi
ro Romanian
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
st Sesotho
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhala
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
te Telugu
th Thai
tr Turkish
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
or Odia (Oriya)
rw Kinyarwanda
tk Turkmen
tt Tatar
ug Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:13,500 --> 00:00:17,170 >> "TOSH.0" IS INTENDED FOR A 2 00:00:17,167 --> 00:00:18,197 MATURE AUDIENCE. 3 00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:20,070 COMEDY CENTRAL DISCOURAGES 4 00:00:20,067 --> 00:00:21,327 ANYONE FROM ATTEMPTING THEM. 5 00:00:21,333 --> 00:00:25,033 ENJOY. 6 00:00:25,033 --> 00:00:32,633 [ MOTORCYCLE REVING ] 7 00:00:32,633 --> 00:00:34,673 >> [BLEEP] [BLEEP]. 8 00:00:34,667 --> 00:00:44,067 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 9 00:00:44,067 --> 00:00:45,527 >> Tosh: COULD HAVE USED A FEW 10 00:00:45,533 --> 00:00:47,833 LESS CCs. 11 00:00:47,833 --> 00:00:49,073 "TOSH.0" AND THE SICK TICKS FOR 12 00:00:49,067 --> 00:00:50,867 THE LADIES THE NEW BOUNCE NEW 13 00:00:50,867 --> 00:00:51,997 ENGLAND PREP 996s. 14 00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:54,230 BUT THEY'RE NOT AVAILABLE IN 15 00:00:54,233 --> 00:00:55,733 STORES YET. 16 00:00:55,733 --> 00:00:56,273 YEAH. 17 00:00:56,267 --> 00:01:00,567 YOUR SORRY ASS WILL HAVE TO WAIT 18 00:01:00,567 --> 00:01:03,167 OUTSIDE A GOD AWFUL MALL. 19 00:01:03,167 --> 00:01:04,497 TONIGHT THE WEB REDEMPTION IS 20 00:01:04,500 --> 00:01:05,830 ABOUT SMELLING. 21 00:01:05,833 --> 00:01:08,533 THAT SHOULD BE HORRIBLE AND WE 22 00:01:08,533 --> 00:01:09,573 BLOW SOME [BLEEP] UP. 23 00:01:09,567 --> 00:01:11,797 HOLD ON A TICK, YOU'RE TELLING 24 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:13,730 THOSE HILLBILLY'S MASKS WERE 25 00:01:13,733 --> 00:01:14,133 OFF? 26 00:01:14,133 --> 00:01:15,633 AT LEAST THE BIKE STAYED DRY SO 27 00:01:15,633 --> 00:01:18,403 THEY CAN TRY IT AGAIN. 28 00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:22,900 [ MOTORCYCLE REVING ] 29 00:01:22,900 --> 00:01:24,070 [ GASPS ] 30 00:01:24,067 --> 00:01:26,427 >> KEEP THE RAMP. 31 00:01:26,433 --> 00:01:28,533 HE'LL NEED TO TO GET INTO HIS 32 00:01:28,533 --> 00:01:29,473 HOUSE IN NOW ON. 33 00:01:29,467 --> 00:01:30,727 YOU CAN'T DO THINGS BECAUSE YOU 34 00:01:30,733 --> 00:01:33,603 DREW THEM ON A COCKTAIL NAPKIN. 35 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:35,330 AND YOU'RE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF 36 00:01:35,333 --> 00:01:36,603 THE BEACH WITH THAT FIRE 37 00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:39,200 EXTINGUISHER. 38 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:39,830 [LAUGHTER] 39 00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:42,073 >> Tosh: NEVER TELL THE NEXT GUY 40 00:01:42,067 --> 00:01:44,497 TO SHUT UP OR YOU WIND UP WITH 41 00:01:44,500 --> 00:01:47,470 SPLINTERS IN YOUR TRACHEA. 42 00:01:47,467 --> 00:01:55,367 >> SHUT UP. 43 00:01:55,367 --> 00:02:02,727 >> YOU STUPID ASS PIECE OF 44 00:02:02,733 --> 00:02:03,633 [BLEEP]. 45 00:02:03,633 --> 00:02:06,773 >> Tosh: I'D MUCH RATHER WATCH 46 00:02:06,767 --> 00:02:12,167 THAT AND THE ABRAHAM FILM. 47 00:02:12,167 --> 00:02:14,067 BATS ARE FOR HITTING BALLS NOT 48 00:02:14,067 --> 00:02:15,267 POOL CUES. 49 00:02:15,267 --> 00:02:17,897 BALL IN HAND. 50 00:02:17,900 --> 00:02:19,400 DIDN'T WE LEARN ANYTHING FROM 51 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:19,970 BASKETBALL. 52 00:02:19,967 --> 00:02:20,697 COMBINING TWO SPORTS IS NEVER 53 00:02:20,700 --> 00:02:22,330 FUNNY. 54 00:02:22,333 --> 00:02:24,173 HERE'S THE MOST EROTIC WAY TO 55 00:02:24,167 --> 00:02:28,067 GET SALMONELLA. 56 00:02:28,067 --> 00:02:37,627 [LAUGHTER] 57 00:02:37,633 --> 00:02:39,233 >> Tosh: HE WOULD ASK FOR A 58 00:02:39,233 --> 00:02:41,073 HAPPY ENDING BUT HE'S CHICKEN. 59 00:02:41,067 --> 00:02:42,697 [LAUGHTER] 60 00:02:42,700 --> 00:02:44,870 >> Tosh: NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME 61 00:02:44,867 --> 00:02:46,367 THIS YEAR LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS 62 00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:47,667 ON THE CLOCK AND SEE HOW MANY 63 00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:48,827 FUNNY COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE. 64 00:02:48,833 --> 00:02:51,933 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 65 00:02:51,933 --> 00:02:53,833 >> Tosh: NOW PULL DOWN THAT 66 00:02:53,833 --> 00:02:57,373 TOWEL AND SHOVE A BEER CAN UP 67 00:02:57,367 --> 00:02:57,697 FAST. 68 00:02:57,700 --> 00:03:01,770 GODDAMNIT THAT WAS AQUICK 20 69 00:03:01,767 --> 00:03:02,867 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK. 70 00:03:02,867 --> 00:03:07,897 I HAD A GREAT RACHEL RAY JOKE 71 00:03:07,900 --> 00:03:08,400 READY. 72 00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:10,270 AT SOME POINT HAVE YOU TO STOP 73 00:03:10,267 --> 00:03:12,767 FIGHTING IT AND GET THE MINIVAN. 74 00:03:12,767 --> 00:03:14,197 THE SANDUSKY SHUTTLE. 75 00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:16,570 THEY'RE NOT HAPPY THEY'RE JUST 76 00:03:16,567 --> 00:03:17,797 EXCITED THEY GOT ALL THE DUCT 77 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:23,530 TAPE OFF. 78 00:03:23,533 --> 00:03:25,873 GETTING KILLED BY A TRUCK IS 79 00:03:25,867 --> 00:03:29,167 BETTER THAN WHAT'S ABOUT TO 80 00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:33,797 HAPPEN TO THEM AT THE END OF THE 81 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:34,330 ROAD. 82 00:03:34,333 --> 00:03:37,373 THE SANDALS RESORT LOOKS WORSE 83 00:03:37,367 --> 00:03:39,797 NOT BETTER THAN SITTING ON A 84 00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:43,170 BEACH SITTING LIVE POISONOUS 85 00:03:43,167 --> 00:03:44,427 FISH. 86 00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:46,673 IT'S LIKE A JELL-O SHOT FROM 87 00:03:46,667 --> 00:03:48,197 MOTHER NATURE. 88 00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:51,070 HOPE IT DOESN'T RUIN YOUR SOUP, 89 00:03:51,067 --> 00:03:51,527 COMRADE. 90 00:03:51,533 --> 00:03:56,103 IT'S NOT THAT BIG DEAL. 91 00:03:56,100 --> 00:03:57,370 KID LOVE IT. 92 00:03:57,367 --> 00:03:59,067 >> WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR LUNCH. 93 00:03:59,067 --> 00:04:04,527 >> PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY FISH. 94 00:04:04,533 --> 00:04:06,103 >> ALL RIGHT, I'LL GET YOU A 95 00:04:06,100 --> 00:04:08,900 PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY FISH. 96 00:04:08,900 --> 00:04:12,700 >> WILL YOU CUT THE TENTACLES 97 00:04:12,700 --> 00:04:13,200 OFF? 98 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:14,900 >> NO, THAT'S THE HEALTHY PART. 99 00:04:14,900 --> 00:04:19,130 HERE. 100 00:04:19,133 --> 00:04:20,573 PUT IT ALL OVER YOUR FACE AND 101 00:04:20,567 --> 00:04:24,767 DON'T TELL YOUR PARENTS. 102 00:04:24,767 --> 00:04:25,397 [LAUGHTER] 103 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,070 >> Tosh: IN CASE YOU DIDN'T PICK 104 00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:28,327 UP ON THE SOPHISTICATED NUANCE 105 00:04:28,333 --> 00:04:30,873 ON THE BIT THAT WAS A GLASS OF 106 00:04:30,867 --> 00:04:31,527 PEE PEE. 107 00:04:31,533 --> 00:04:37,533 WHAT'S NEXT? 108 00:04:37,533 --> 00:04:40,133 SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO GIVE 109 00:04:40,133 --> 00:04:41,773 YOURSELF A CONJUGAL VISIT. 110 00:04:41,767 --> 00:04:43,397 NOW LET'S GET KNUCKLE DEEP IN 111 00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:47,370 THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN. 112 00:04:47,367 --> 00:04:47,827 [APPLAUSE] 113 00:04:47,833 --> 00:04:50,303 >> Tosh: WOMEN'S PRISON IS NEVER 114 00:04:50,300 --> 00:04:57,330 AS SEXY THAT'S SOFTCORE MOVIES 115 00:04:57,333 --> 00:04:58,233 IN CINEMAX. 116 00:04:58,233 --> 00:05:05,973 SHE'S DIGGING IN HER NO-NO ZONE. 117 00:05:05,967 --> 00:05:10,467 WONDER IF SHE REALIZES SHE CAN'T 118 00:05:10,467 --> 00:05:11,467 DIG OUT. 119 00:05:11,467 --> 00:05:13,827 IT'S THE OLD STASH IN THE GASH. 120 00:05:13,833 --> 00:05:15,203 MUST HAVE SKILLED THE WHOLE 121 00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:16,370 CAVITY SEARCH. 122 00:05:16,367 --> 00:05:22,597 A LADY'S VAGINA IS LIKE A MAGIC 123 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:23,070 HAT. 124 00:05:23,067 --> 00:05:24,697 IS THAT A PEZ DISPENSER? 125 00:05:24,700 --> 00:05:30,370 I'M NO GYNECOLOGIST BUT YOU 126 00:05:30,367 --> 00:05:33,197 SHOULDN'T USE YOUR SNATCH AS A 127 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,330 MEDICI 128 00:05:35,333 --> 00:05:37,573 MEDICINE CABINET. 129 00:05:37,567 --> 00:05:38,367 THAT'S IT. 130 00:05:38,367 --> 00:05:39,467 SPREAD THEM AROUND LIKE AN 131 00:05:39,467 --> 00:05:41,397 UMPIRE CLEANING HOME PLATE. 132 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:44,070 I SAY START SWALLOWING EVERY 133 00:05:44,067 --> 00:05:45,567 JUNKIE KNOWS THE FIVE-SECOND 134 00:05:45,567 --> 00:05:47,527 RULE DOESN'T APPLY TO DRUGS. 135 00:05:47,533 --> 00:05:49,233 WHAT IS IT? 136 00:05:49,233 --> 00:05:50,633 IT'S NOT MINE. 137 00:05:50,633 --> 00:05:55,773 TIME TO CHECK HER B HOLE FOR A 138 00:05:55,767 --> 00:05:57,667 RITE AID CARD. 139 00:05:57,667 --> 00:05:59,497 NO ONE WANTS TO TAKE PRINTS WITH 140 00:05:59,500 --> 00:06:01,670 THE SMELLY FINGERS AND FOR THAT 141 00:06:01,667 --> 00:06:05,467 WE THANK YOU AND HEY GUY WITH 142 00:06:05,467 --> 00:06:07,227 UNDERWEAR AROUND YOUR ANKLES. 143 00:06:07,233 --> 00:06:11,403 JUST GRAB A BASKET. 144 00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:17,470 [LAUGHTER] 145 00:06:17,467 --> 00:06:22,827 [APPLAUSE] 146 00:06:22,833 --> 00:06:24,603 >> HERON. 147 00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:25,500 >> HERON. 148 00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:26,800 >> HAIR WINK. 149 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,170 >> HERON. 150 00:06:28,167 --> 00:06:29,967 >> HERO? 151 00:06:29,967 --> 00:06:32,067 >> HERON. 152 00:06:32,067 --> 00:06:33,427 >> HAIRLINE? 153 00:06:33,433 --> 00:06:34,833 >> HERON. 154 00:06:34,833 --> 00:06:39,633 >> HERRING. 155 00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:40,773 >> HERON. 156 00:06:40,767 --> 00:06:43,227 >> HEROIN? 157 00:06:43,233 --> 00:06:44,803 >> MAYBE REPEAT THE WORD PLEASE. 158 00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:46,330 >> HERON. 159 00:06:46,333 --> 00:06:47,933 >> PLEASE GIVE ME THE 160 00:06:47,933 --> 00:06:49,873 DEFINITION. 161 00:06:49,867 --> 00:06:53,727 >> A WADING BIRTH WITH A LONG 162 00:06:53,733 --> 00:06:56,903 BILL AND LEGS AND SHARP CUTTING 163 00:06:56,900 --> 00:06:58,070 AND THE LERZ. 164 00:06:58,067 --> 00:07:02,067 >> H-E-R-O-N. 165 00:07:02,067 --> 00:07:02,497 HERON. 166 00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:04,900 >> Tosh: THAT WENT ON LONGER 167 00:07:04,900 --> 00:07:07,630 THAN THE CHRIS FERGUSON 168 00:07:07,633 --> 00:07:08,373 MONOLOGUE. 169 00:07:08,367 --> 00:07:11,367 HE MADE HIM SAY IT 13 TIMES. 170 00:07:11,367 --> 00:07:13,867 NO BEE IS REMOTELY FUN TO WATCH 171 00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:15,927 THAT INCLUDES THE ONE WHO LIVES 172 00:07:15,933 --> 00:07:18,073 IN 23. 173 00:07:18,067 --> 00:07:23,167 SORRY, BEAK, THAT SHOW'S AWFUL. 174 00:07:23,167 --> 00:07:27,867 SILENT LETTERS ARE JUST FOR 175 00:07:27,867 --> 00:07:31,327 IMMIGRANTS TO MAKE IT HARDER TO 176 00:07:31,333 --> 00:07:33,733 LEARN ENGLISH. 177 00:07:33,733 --> 00:07:37,873 I'M A HORRIBLE SPELLER. 178 00:07:41,867 --> 00:07:43,267 BEING THAT SPELLING IS KNOWING 179 00:07:43,267 --> 00:07:45,167 HOW TO DRAW A COOL DRAGON UNLESS 180 00:07:45,167 --> 00:07:48,827 YOUR A TATTOO ARTIST NO ONE 181 00:07:48,833 --> 00:07:49,503 GIVES. 182 00:07:49,500 --> 00:07:51,200 SKIN DOESN'T AUTO CORRECT. 183 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:53,070 YOU JUST NEED TO KNOW THE 184 00:07:53,067 --> 00:07:54,827 DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR AND 185 00:07:54,833 --> 00:07:55,333 YOUR. 186 00:07:55,333 --> 00:07:58,133 YOUR MODEL FRIEND IS HOT BUT 187 00:07:58,133 --> 00:08:00,773 YOU'RE A BEAST. 188 00:08:00,767 --> 00:08:05,567 QUICK CHECKING BY TWEETSS FOR AN 189 00:08:05,567 --> 00:08:07,567 INCORRECT SPELLING. 190 00:08:07,567 --> 00:08:09,067 I STILL RESPECT CHRIS 'CAUSE 191 00:08:09,067 --> 00:08:10,267 THOUGH IT TOOK HIM A LONG TIME 192 00:08:10,267 --> 00:08:12,067 LIKE THE MIAMI HEAT HE GOT THE 193 00:08:12,067 --> 00:08:14,667 JOB DONE THAT'S WHY I FLEW HIM 194 00:08:14,667 --> 00:08:19,627 TO LANGUAGE WHERE ENGLISH HASN'T 195 00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:21,373 BEEN THE LANGUAGE FOR DECADES. 196 00:08:21,367 --> 00:08:23,597 IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION. 197 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:25,100 >> CHRIS IS HERE. 198 00:08:25,100 --> 00:08:27,700 >> WHO? 199 00:08:27,700 --> 00:08:29,470 >> CHRIS. 200 00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:32,067 >> CRAIG. 201 00:08:32,067 --> 00:08:32,867 >> CHRIS? 202 00:08:32,867 --> 00:08:34,467 >> ROMEO? 203 00:08:34,467 --> 00:08:35,297 >> CHRIS. 204 00:08:35,300 --> 00:08:36,200 >> MARK? 205 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:38,200 >> CHRIS. 206 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:39,830 >> ROSCOE. 207 00:08:39,833 --> 00:08:41,673 >> CHRIS IS HERE TO SEE YOU. 208 00:08:41,667 --> 00:08:47,767 >> YOU THINK HITLER MADE VALID 209 00:08:47,767 --> 00:08:48,127 POINTS. 210 00:08:48,133 --> 00:08:50,503 >> CHRIS IS HERE. 211 00:08:50,500 --> 00:08:51,130 >> WHO? 212 00:08:51,133 --> 00:08:53,073 >> THE ORIGINAL CAST OF FAMILY 213 00:08:53,067 --> 00:08:53,427 TIES. 214 00:08:53,433 --> 00:08:54,073 >> YES. 215 00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:56,367 >> ALL RIGHT, WHERE YOU FROM, 216 00:08:56,367 --> 00:08:56,897 CHRIS? 217 00:08:56,900 --> 00:08:57,900 >> OXNARD, CALIFORNIA. 218 00:08:57,900 --> 00:08:59,130 >> HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN A GOOD 219 00:08:59,133 --> 00:08:59,773 SPELLER? 220 00:08:59,767 --> 00:09:00,567 >> YEAH. 221 00:09:00,567 --> 00:09:01,897 >> HOW MANY SPELLING BEES HAVE 222 00:09:01,900 --> 00:09:05,300 YOU BEEN IN YOUR LIFE? 223 00:09:05,300 --> 00:09:07,270 >> ALL SCHOOL SPELLING BEES AND 224 00:09:07,267 --> 00:09:08,727 WON ALL FOUR AND COUNTY THREE 225 00:09:08,733 --> 00:09:09,473 TIMES. 226 00:09:09,467 --> 00:09:11,767 >> PEOPLE THINK YOU WERE 227 00:09:11,767 --> 00:09:12,427 CLOWNING. 228 00:09:12,433 --> 00:09:13,073 >> NO. 229 00:09:13,067 --> 00:09:15,827 >> YOU REALLY COULDN'T HERE? 230 00:09:15,833 --> 00:09:21,773 >> I WAS EXTREMELY DESPERATE SO 231 00:09:21,767 --> 00:09:23,367 I SAID EVERY WORD THAT STARTED 232 00:09:23,367 --> 00:09:23,967 WITH H. 233 00:09:23,967 --> 00:09:25,197 >> YOU THINK HEROIN. 234 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:26,100 >> THEY'RE SIMILAR. 235 00:09:26,100 --> 00:09:27,270 >> DO YOU THINK IT WAS THE 236 00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:28,527 SPEAKERS BECAUSE THEY WERE SET 237 00:09:28,533 --> 00:09:29,173 UP? 238 00:09:29,167 --> 00:09:32,727 >> THE SPEAKERS WERE WAITING THE 239 00:09:32,733 --> 00:09:33,603 WRONG WAY. 240 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:37,170 >> HAS THERE BEEN ANYTHING 241 00:09:37,167 --> 00:09:37,697 SHADY? 242 00:09:37,700 --> 00:09:40,370 >> THAT'S IN THE NATIONAL LEVEL. 243 00:09:40,367 --> 00:09:41,927 >> WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE IN THE 244 00:09:41,933 --> 00:09:43,803 AUDIENCE SPELLING IT OUT OR SIGN 245 00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:44,400 LANGUAGE. 246 00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:45,070 >> YEAH. 247 00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:46,767 >> LEAVE IT TO THE DEAF TO RUIN 248 00:09:46,767 --> 00:09:48,167 A GOOD THING. 249 00:09:48,167 --> 00:09:49,167 >> YEAH. 250 00:09:49,167 --> 00:09:56,697 >> ARE YOU PLOWED THROUGH A 251 00:09:56,700 --> 00:09:57,200 DICTIONARY. 252 00:09:57,200 --> 00:10:01,330 >> YES, A BIG WITH ONE. 253 00:10:01,333 --> 00:10:03,033 >> IS IT CALLED SPELLING BEES 254 00:10:03,033 --> 00:10:04,233 BECAUSE BEES NEVER HAVE SEX. 255 00:10:04,233 --> 00:10:06,803 >> THAT'S A MEAN JOKE. 256 00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:09,830 >> DOES THE LANGUAGE OF ORIGIN 257 00:10:09,833 --> 00:10:13,333 ACTUALLY HELP FOR [BLEEP]. 258 00:10:13,333 --> 00:10:14,803 >> [BLEEP]. 259 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:19,030 >> SAY MOTHER MAY I -- 260 00:10:19,033 --> 00:10:19,973 >> MOTHER MAY I -- 261 00:10:19,967 --> 00:10:23,497 >> CAN YOU WRITE DOWN THE WORD? 262 00:10:23,500 --> 00:10:24,800 >> HELP. 263 00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:27,430 >> CAN YOU RIGHT ON YOUR HAND. 264 00:10:27,433 --> 00:10:28,733 >> OR LITTLE INK. 265 00:10:28,733 --> 00:10:29,703 >> OR DRY SKIN. 266 00:10:29,700 --> 00:10:32,770 >> THAT'S WHEN IT HELPS TO BE 267 00:10:32,767 --> 00:10:33,227 BLACK. 268 00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:35,573 BEFORE YOU GET A CHANCE TO PROVE 269 00:10:35,567 --> 00:10:36,967 TO EVERYONE YOU'RE NOT DEAF WE 270 00:10:36,967 --> 00:10:38,597 NEED TO CLEAN OUT OUR EARS. 271 00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:45,070 I DO THIS ONCE A WEEK. 272 00:10:45,067 --> 00:10:46,397 . 273 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:47,130 LORD KNOWS WHAT WE'RE GOING TO 274 00:10:47,133 --> 00:10:47,603 FIND IN HERE. 275 00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:48,700 THERE'S DEFINITELY SOMETHING 276 00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:49,600 STILL IN MY EAR. 277 00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:51,300 WHOA. 278 00:10:51,300 --> 00:10:54,400 POOR LITTLE GUY WAS ON QUITE A 279 00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:55,000 JOURNEY. 280 00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:55,930 >> WHAT? 281 00:10:55,933 --> 00:10:57,233 >> I BET YOU HAVE QUITE THE 282 00:10:57,233 --> 00:10:58,873 STORY TO TELL. 283 00:10:58,867 --> 00:11:00,927 THERE'S ONLY ONE SPELLING BEE A 284 00:11:00,933 --> 00:11:02,133 16-YEAR-OLD SHOULD BE PROUD TO 285 00:11:02,133 --> 00:11:07,233 COMPETE IN THAT'S THE URBAN 286 00:11:07,233 --> 00:11:08,873 DICTIONARY SPELLING BEE BY WIN 287 00:11:08,867 --> 00:11:09,367 DIXIE. 288 00:11:09,367 --> 00:11:11,427 READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT? 289 00:11:11,433 --> 00:11:12,133 >> YES. 290 00:11:12,133 --> 00:11:16,303 >> WELCOME BACK TO THE URBAN 291 00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:17,770 DICTIONARY SPELLING BEE. 292 00:11:17,767 --> 00:11:19,467 ALL THE WORDS ARE SLANG AND 293 00:11:19,467 --> 00:11:20,867 HOPEFULLY ONE DAY IN A REAL 294 00:11:20,867 --> 00:11:21,467 DICTIONARY. 295 00:11:21,467 --> 00:11:22,967 >> WE'RE DOWN TO THE FINAL 296 00:11:22,967 --> 00:11:23,267 THREE. 297 00:11:23,267 --> 00:11:26,167 LET'S BEGIN. 298 00:11:26,167 --> 00:11:28,167 >> DON'T CHOKE. 299 00:11:28,167 --> 00:11:30,097 >> YOU'RE WORD, FARFUL. 300 00:11:30,100 --> 00:11:32,430 >> CAN I HAVE THE DEFINITION? 301 00:11:32,433 --> 00:11:37,473 >> TO GARGLE WITH YOUR OWN BARF. 302 00:11:37,467 --> 00:11:38,067 BARFLE. 303 00:11:38,067 --> 00:11:39,767 >> B-A-R-F-E-L. 304 00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:41,767 >> SORRY, THAT IS WRONG. 305 00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:44,067 >> OH, MY GOODNESS. 306 00:11:44,067 --> 00:11:45,767 YOU SHOULD SEE THE SHAME ON YOUR 307 00:11:45,767 --> 00:11:49,827 FAMILY'S FACE RIGHT NOW. 308 00:11:49,833 --> 00:11:53,803 >> YOUR WORD, HORNY CORN. 309 00:11:53,800 --> 00:12:00,270 >> HORNY CORN. 310 00:12:00,267 --> 00:12:01,067 H-O-R-N-Y-C-O-R-N. 311 00:12:01,067 --> 00:12:06,127 >> JAPANXIETY. 312 00:12:06,133 --> 00:12:17,203 >> CAN YOU USE IN A SENTENCE. 313 00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:17,670 XIETY. 314 00:12:17,667 --> 00:12:18,627 >> HAPPY ENDING. 315 00:12:18,633 --> 00:12:21,873 >> CHICK ANDO WATCH. 316 00:12:21,867 --> 00:12:24,367 >> USING THE GAS STATION 317 00:12:24,367 --> 00:12:27,767 SQUEE-GEE TO WATCH YOUR ENTIRE 318 00:12:27,767 --> 00:12:28,267 CAR. 319 00:12:28,267 --> 00:12:30,167 SOMEONE WHO EATS SCABS OFF THEIR 320 00:12:30,167 --> 00:12:36,967 PARTNER'S GENITALS. 321 00:12:36,967 --> 00:12:39,767 >> I JUST PASSED THE GAS LAW. 322 00:12:39,767 --> 00:12:41,597 >> THAT IS CORRECT. 323 00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:46,670 >> THE WORD IS CALENTARD. 324 00:12:46,667 --> 00:12:48,067 >> OMG. 325 00:12:48,067 --> 00:12:49,067 >> THAT'S WRONG. 326 00:12:49,067 --> 00:12:50,527 >> I WASN'T SPELLING. 327 00:12:50,533 --> 00:13:03,673 THAT'S AN EXPRESSION YOU 328 00:13:03,667 --> 00:13:04,227 SENILEB. 329 00:13:04,233 --> 00:13:07,503 >> GIVING A GIRL A FACIAL FROM A 330 00:13:07,500 --> 00:13:11,170 MASSIVELY CIRCUMSIZED SHLONG. 331 00:13:11,167 --> 00:13:13,197 >> AFTER WE GO TO THE DELI I'D 332 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:16,070 LIKE TO TAKE YOU BACK TO MY 333 00:13:16,067 --> 00:13:16,967 PLACE FOR A NICE -- 334 00:13:16,967 --> 00:13:20,697 >> CAN YOU SAY THE WORD AGAIN. 335 00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:27,500 >> JUCOKY. 336 00:13:27,500 --> 00:13:28,470 J-E-W-K-K-A-K-E. 337 00:13:28,467 --> 00:13:30,327 >> GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. 338 00:13:30,333 --> 00:13:34,433 >> CONGRATULATIONS, CHRIS, YOU 339 00:13:34,433 --> 00:13:36,473 HAVE WON THE TROMBONE. 340 00:13:36,467 --> 00:13:37,727 >> Tosh: BY THE WAY FOR THOSE 341 00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:40,073 PAYING ATTENTION IT WAS A 342 00:13:40,067 --> 00:13:42,767 HAMSTER NOT A GERBIL BECAUSE 343 00:13:42,767 --> 00:13:45,497 THEY'RE ILLLEGAL IN THE STATE OF 344 00:13:45,500 --> 00:13:46,200 CALIFORNIA? 345 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:49,670 ANY GUESSES WHY? 346 00:13:49,667 --> 00:13:52,427 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST 347 00:13:52,433 --> 00:14:01,633 KIDS ARE [BLEEP]ING DISGUSTING. 348 00:14:01,633 --> 00:14:08,203 >> BOOGERS. 349 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:16,870 I HAVE BOOGERS. 350 00:14:16,867 --> 00:14:19,397 >> THE GRUESOME ATTACK IN MIAMI 351 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:20,530 COULD BE PART OF AN ON 352 00:14:20,533 --> 00:14:26,073 >> A WITNESS DESCRIBED IT AS A 353 00:14:26,067 --> 00:14:28,667 GORY SCENE FROM A ZOMBIE MOVIE. 354 00:14:28,667 --> 00:14:30,627 >> HE WAS GROWLING LIKE AN 355 00:14:30,633 --> 00:14:31,073 ANIMAL. 356 00:14:31,067 --> 00:14:33,897 >> HE WAS TEARING IT. 357 00:14:33,900 --> 00:14:36,530 >> HE ATE PART OF THE VICTEM'S 358 00:14:36,533 --> 00:14:38,773 HEART AND BRAIN. 359 00:14:38,767 --> 00:14:41,127 >> THEY DON'T KNOW OF ANYTHING 360 00:14:41,133 --> 00:14:44,633 THAT WOULD PRESENT ZOMBIE LIKE 361 00:14:44,633 --> 00:14:45,503 SYSTEMS. 362 00:14:45,500 --> 00:14:48,570 >> Tosh: IT'S BEEN A WEEK SINCE 363 00:14:48,567 --> 00:14:50,627 A DUDE MADE A MEAL OUT OF A 364 00:14:50,633 --> 00:14:52,473 HOMELESS MAN'S FACE AND ONE MAN 365 00:14:52,467 --> 00:14:55,067 DRESSED LIKE A ZOMBIE AND CHASED 366 00:14:55,067 --> 00:14:56,467 BLACK PEOPLE THROUGH THE WORSE 367 00:14:56,467 --> 00:15:19,527 NEIGHBORHOODS IN MIAMI. 368 00:15:19,533 --> 00:15:40,333 [ GROWLING ] 369 00:15:40,333 --> 00:15:56,833 [LAUGHTER] 370 00:15:56,833 --> 00:16:14,073 [ GROWLING ] 371 00:16:14,067 --> 00:16:16,397 >> Tosh: THAT GUY THAT CREATE 372 00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:19,070 THAT PRANK IS ANY NEW HERO AND I 373 00:16:19,067 --> 00:16:20,667 HAD TO MEET HIM. 374 00:16:20,667 --> 00:16:24,067 PLEASE WELCOME, VITALI. 375 00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:26,667 >> THANKS FOR HAVING ME MAN. 376 00:16:26,667 --> 00:16:27,327 >> 377 00:16:27,333 --> 00:16:28,573 >> Tosh: FIRST THING'S FIRST 378 00:16:28,567 --> 00:16:32,527 YOU'RE NOT A REAL ZOMBIE, 379 00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:33,173 CORRECT? 380 00:16:33,167 --> 00:16:35,097 >> JUST A CRAZY RUSSIAN WAY 381 00:16:35,100 --> 00:16:35,670 CAMERA. 382 00:16:35,667 --> 00:16:36,627 >> Tosh: ARE PEOPLE SO DUMB THEY 383 00:16:36,633 --> 00:16:38,433 WORRY ABOUT ZOMBIES NOW? 384 00:16:38,433 --> 00:16:40,073 >> I'M NOT TRYING TO MAKE FUN OF 385 00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:42,297 THE STORY BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE ON 386 00:16:42,300 --> 00:16:44,100 FACEBOOK AND TWITTERED THE 387 00:16:44,100 --> 00:16:47,430 ZOMBIES ARE COMING I THOUGHT 388 00:16:47,433 --> 00:16:48,673 IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT AND MAKE 389 00:16:48,667 --> 00:16:51,067 A VIDEO AND HAD A FEELING 390 00:16:51,067 --> 00:16:53,167 IT WOULD GO VIRAL. 391 00:16:53,167 --> 00:16:54,297 >> Tosh: HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE 392 00:16:54,300 --> 00:16:56,070 THE NEIGHBORHOODS WERE IN? 393 00:16:56,067 --> 00:16:58,597 >> COMPLETELY GHETTO. 394 00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:03,230 >> Tosh: SO YOUR IDEA WAS TO 395 00:17:03,233 --> 00:17:04,803 FOCUS SPECIFICALLY ON BLACK 396 00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:05,300 PEOPLE? 397 00:17:05,300 --> 00:17:07,070 >> NO, THE FIRST REACTION WAS 398 00:17:07,067 --> 00:17:08,827 FROM A BLACK PERSON AND HE RAN 399 00:17:08,833 --> 00:17:10,373 FOR HIS LIFE SO I THOUGHT IT 400 00:17:10,367 --> 00:17:15,227 WOULD BE A GREAT VIDEO SO I WENT 401 00:17:15,233 --> 00:17:17,633 AFTER WHITE REACTION AND THEY 402 00:17:17,633 --> 00:17:19,473 DIDN'T GIVE ME ANY REACTION. 403 00:17:19,467 --> 00:17:20,867 >> Tosh: SO WHITE PEOPLE ARE 404 00:17:20,867 --> 00:17:21,427 FEARLESS. 405 00:17:21,433 --> 00:17:22,373 I'LL TAKE IT. 406 00:17:22,367 --> 00:17:24,067 WERE YOU WORRIED ABOUT GETTING 407 00:17:24,067 --> 00:17:25,397 KILLED WHEN THE MAN PULLED A GUN 408 00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:26,670 ON YOU. 409 00:17:26,667 --> 00:17:28,567 >> I DIDN'T SEE IT UNTIL I 410 00:17:28,567 --> 00:17:30,927 ZOOMED IN AND SAW IT WAS A GUN. 411 00:17:30,933 --> 00:17:32,173 >> Tosh: WHAT ABOUT THE BIG 412 00:17:32,167 --> 00:17:33,897 GROUP AT THE END, DID THEY KICK 413 00:17:33,900 --> 00:17:35,700 YOUR [BLEEP]. 414 00:17:35,700 --> 00:17:37,170 >> THEY STOPPED AND WERE ALL 415 00:17:37,167 --> 00:17:38,467 LAUGHING ABOUT IT AT THE END. 416 00:17:38,467 --> 00:17:41,267 I DON'T WANT TO SAY WHAT THEY 417 00:17:41,267 --> 00:17:41,927 DID AFTER. 418 00:17:41,933 --> 00:17:44,803 IT'S INAPPROPRIATE FOR TV. 419 00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:46,900 >> Tosh: COME ON. 420 00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:49,500 MY WHOLE SHOW IS INAPPROPRIATE 421 00:17:49,500 --> 00:17:49,930 FOR TV. 422 00:17:49,933 --> 00:17:55,173 [LAUGHTER] 423 00:17:55,167 --> 00:17:56,467 >> Tosh: WHAT'S THE NEXT PRANK 424 00:17:56,467 --> 00:17:58,327 YOUR PLANNING ON BLACK PEOPLE? 425 00:17:58,333 --> 00:18:01,603 >> I'M GETTING IDEAS IN MY HEAD. 426 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:04,070 >> Tosh: YOU'RE SURE YOU'RE NOTE 427 00:18:04,067 --> 00:18:04,567 RACIST? 428 00:18:04,567 --> 00:18:05,327 >> NO WAY, MAN. 429 00:18:05,333 --> 00:18:06,703 I LOVE BLACK PEOPLE. 430 00:18:06,700 --> 00:18:09,600 I LOVE BLACK GIRLS. 431 00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:11,400 >> Tosh: YOU AND ME BOTH. 432 00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:13,700 THAT'S THE BRAVEST THING I'VE 433 00:18:13,700 --> 00:18:16,900 SEEN SO KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK. 434 00:18:16,900 --> 00:18:19,570 THE THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES 435 00:18:19,567 --> 00:18:20,597 FROM CONNELLY. 436 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,500 >> I'M GOING CHOKE YOU UNTIL YOU 437 00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:23,070 SCREAM. 438 00:18:23,067 --> 00:18:23,867 >> I HATE YOU. 439 00:18:23,867 --> 00:18:27,827 >> I LOVE YOU. 440 00:18:27,833 --> 00:18:31,473 I LOVE WHEN YOU TALK DIRTY TO 441 00:18:31,467 --> 00:18:31,827 ME. 442 00:18:31,833 --> 00:18:35,503 >> TONIGHT, NO CONDOMS. 443 00:18:35,500 --> 00:18:39,700 >> GOOD NIGHT MR. AND MRS. 444 00:18:39,700 --> 00:18:40,270 JOHNSON. 445 00:18:40,267 --> 00:18:41,567 >> Tosh: WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE 446 00:18:41,567 --> 00:18:42,067 MEET THE CREEPS. 447 00:18:51,933 --> 00:18:53,973 >> Tosh: HEY, I JUST MET YOU AND 448 00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:55,897 THIS IS CRAZY, BUT HERE'S MY 449 00:18:55,900 --> 00:18:59,300 NUMBER, SO CALL ME MAYBE. 450 00:18:59,300 --> 00:19:00,130 [LAUGHTER] 451 00:19:00,133 --> 00:19:01,073 >> Tosh: NEXT WEEK THIS LADY'S 452 00:19:01,067 --> 00:19:02,227 MAN GETS A WEB REDEMPTION. 453 00:19:02,233 --> 00:19:05,973 >> IF I SEE A GIRL WITH BLUE 454 00:19:05,967 --> 00:19:12,327 EYES I MIGHT SAY, WOW, YOUR EYES 455 00:19:12,333 --> 00:19:15,173 ARE LIKE BLUEBERRIES. 456 00:19:15,167 --> 00:19:16,197 CAN YOU I -- 457 00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:18,900 >> Tosh: HAD YOU ME ON EATING MY 458 00:19:18,900 --> 00:19:19,430 EYEBALLS. 459 00:19:19,433 --> 00:19:29,773 KEEP UP WITH OUR LOG AT 460 00:19:29,767 --> 00:19:32,127 TOSH.COMEDY CENTRAL. 461 00:19:32,133 --> 00:19:34,273 SEE ME LIVE THIS SUMMER AND 462 00:19:34,267 --> 00:19:38,697 WE'RE SHORT OF MY ANIMATED 463 00:19:38,700 --> 00:19:39,200 SERIES. 464 00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:40,930 THE CHARACTER IS VOICED BY A 465 00:19:40,933 --> 00:19:42,703 PERSON FROM GEORGIA NAMED ROGER 466 00:19:42,700 --> 00:19:43,170 BLACK. 467 00:19:43,167 --> 00:19:45,767 WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET HER? 468 00:19:45,767 --> 00:19:48,567 PL 469 00:19:48,567 --> 00:19:49,427 THEN PLAY IT. 470 00:19:49,433 --> 00:19:52,903 >> I WANT TO WEAR IT LIKE A FAKE 471 00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:53,370 BEARD. 472 00:19:53,367 --> 00:19:54,827 >> Tosh: IF IT'S A BIG FLOP 473 00:19:54,833 --> 00:19:55,833 BLAME HIM NOT ME. 474 00:19:55,833 --> 00:19:57,903 BEFORE WE GO I THINK YOU CAN ALL 475 00:19:57,900 --> 00:19:59,530 AGREE THIS IS PRETTY FRIGGIN' 476 00:19:59,533 --> 00:20:02,703 AWESOME. 477 00:20:02,700 --> 00:20:22,830 [ GUNSHOTS ] 478 00:20:22,833 --> 00:20:28,173 >> Tosh: I WOULD LOVE TO DO THAT 479 00:20:28,167 --> 00:20:29,967 BUT I'M STUCK INSIDE ALL DAY 480 00:20:29,967 --> 00:20:31,967 EVERY DAY POLISHING THIS TURD OF 481 00:20:31,967 --> 00:20:32,597 A SHOW. 482 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:40,270 >> HEY, GUYS. 483 00:20:40,267 --> 00:20:51,067 [***] 484 00:20:51,067 --> 00:20:54,297 >> Tosh: I SEE WHY THEY DID THIS 485 00:20:54,300 --> 00:20:54,870 OUTSIDE. 486 00:20:54,867 --> 00:20:56,167 I HOPE THERE WERE CASUALTIES. 487 00:20:56,167 --> 00:20:56,927 BACK TO WORK. 488 00:20:56,933 --> 00:20:58,903 NO DOGS WERE HURT IN THE 489 00:20:58,900 --> 00:21:01,800 SHOOTING OF THAT VIDEO BUT WE 490 00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:03,100 LOST ONE MAC BOOK PRO. 491 00:21:03,100 --> 00:21:04,870 COME ON, APPLE I WANT TO SEE THE 492 00:21:04,867 --> 00:21:06,427 NEW RETINA DISPLAY. 493 00:21:06,433 --> 00:21:07,503 SEND THEM OUR WAY. 494 00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:08,300 GOOD NIGHT. 495 00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:16,270 >> YOU'RE NOT 6'4" YOU EGO 496 00:21:16,267 --> 00:21:18,327 >> DOES THIS HELP YOU WITH THE 497 00:21:18,333 --> 00:21:18,833 LADIES? 498 00:21:18,833 --> 00:21:19,273 >> COURSE. 499 00:21:19,267 --> 00:21:22,067 YOU HAVE TO PULL OUT THAT WHAT 30462

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.