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1
00:00:10,567 --> 00:00:11,597
[bleep]!
2
00:00:11,633 --> 00:00:12,703
OH, [bleep]!
3
00:00:12,733 --> 00:00:16,003
[crying]
4
00:00:16,033 --> 00:00:17,673
- YOU ALL RIGHT?
5
00:00:17,700 --> 00:00:18,670
[laughter]
6
00:00:18,700 --> 00:00:22,900
[applause]
7
00:00:22,933 --> 00:00:24,533
- AW, THANK YOU.
8
00:00:24,567 --> 00:00:26,067
WELCOME TO TOSH.O.
9
00:00:26,100 --> 00:00:28,400
I AM YOUR HOST
DANIEL DWIGHT TOSH.
10
00:00:28,433 --> 00:00:29,873
HEH. YOU ALL RIGHT?
11
00:00:29,900 --> 00:00:31,270
[laughter]
12
00:00:31,300 --> 00:00:32,700
I WANT TO THANK
ALL OF YOU
13
00:00:32,733 --> 00:00:36,973
FOR MAKING US LAST WEEK'S
NUMBER 12 SHOW IN OUR TIME SLOT
14
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:40,770
ON CABLE, IN THE KEY DEMO,
MALES 18 TO 19.
15
00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:42,170
THAT'S A BIG DEAL.
THANK YOU.
16
00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:43,170
[cheers and applause]
17
00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:45,970
THANK YOU.
WE EARNED IT.
18
00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:47,170
UH, COMING UP,
19
00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:49,400
THE CRYING GIANTS FAN
GETS A WEB REDEMPTION,
20
00:00:49,433 --> 00:00:52,003
A DAVID LETTERMAN-INSPIRED
FLASH MOB--
21
00:00:52,033 --> 00:00:53,603
WHAT'S A FLASH MOB?
22
00:00:53,633 --> 00:00:57,033
UH, AND STRIPPERS
HIT THE POLE AND THE GROUND.
23
00:00:57,067 --> 00:00:58,597
[audience groans]
24
00:00:58,633 --> 00:01:01,203
NOW CAN I SEE THAT OPENING VIDEO
ONE MORE TIME?
25
00:01:01,233 --> 00:01:02,633
AND I WOULD LIKE
TO POINT OUT
26
00:01:02,667 --> 00:01:05,627
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE
RAISED BY A SINGLE PARENT.
27
00:01:05,667 --> 00:01:06,827
[laughter]
28
00:01:06,867 --> 00:01:08,197
[bleep]!
29
00:01:08,233 --> 00:01:10,133
OH, [bleep]!
30
00:01:10,167 --> 00:01:11,597
[crying]
31
00:01:11,633 --> 00:01:14,673
- SHUT UP.
YOU SOUND LIKE YOUR MOTHER.
32
00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:16,530
[laughter]
33
00:01:16,567 --> 00:01:18,667
IS THERE ANY SWEETER SOUND
34
00:01:18,700 --> 00:01:21,070
THAN THE BLOODCURDLING SCREAM
OF A CHILD?
35
00:01:21,067 --> 00:01:23,497
I WONDER IF LANCE
HAS A BRACELET FOR THIS.
36
00:01:23,533 --> 00:01:26,673
[laughter]
37
00:01:26,700 --> 00:01:28,930
RIDING OFF A TRUCK
DOESN'T SEEM THAT HARD,
38
00:01:28,967 --> 00:01:30,667
BUT I DECIDED
TO TEST IT MYSELF
39
00:01:30,700 --> 00:01:33,530
WITH THE HELP
OF MY CHILDHOOD HERO,
40
00:01:33,567 --> 00:01:35,767
THE STAR OF THE MOVIE RAD,
41
00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:39,970
THE 1986 BMX CULT CLASSIC,
CRU JONES HIMSELF,
42
00:01:40,067 --> 00:01:41,427
MR. BILL ALLEN.
43
00:01:41,467 --> 00:01:43,667
AND YES, WE ARE
RECREATING A SCENE
44
00:01:43,700 --> 00:01:46,070
FROM THE MOVIE,
WORD FOR WORD.
45
00:01:46,067 --> 00:01:47,897
- IF YOU LEAD WITH YOUR HEAD,
46
00:01:47,933 --> 00:01:49,673
YOUR BODY WILL JUST FOLLOW
NATURALLY.
47
00:01:49,700 --> 00:01:50,670
- REALLY?
48
00:01:50,700 --> 00:01:51,800
- BESIDES,
IF YOU DO MAKE IT
49
00:01:51,833 --> 00:01:53,403
AND THOSE MATTRESSES
ARE THERE,
50
00:01:53,433 --> 00:01:55,073
YOU'RE JUST GONNA
WIPE OUT ANYWAY.
51
00:01:55,100 --> 00:01:56,100
- WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS?
52
00:01:56,133 --> 00:01:58,403
- NO GUTS, NO GLORY.
53
00:01:58,433 --> 00:01:59,573
- [exhales]
54
00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:01,970
LUKE,
TAKE THE MATTRESSES OUT.
55
00:02:02,067 --> 00:02:03,867
- IT'S YOUR BUTT, PAL.
56
00:02:03,900 --> 00:02:05,130
- WHAT'S LEFT OF IT.
57
00:02:05,167 --> 00:02:11,297
['80s upbeat music]
58
00:02:12,667 --> 00:02:14,727
- THIS IS STUPID.
59
00:02:14,767 --> 00:02:16,867
[applause]
60
00:02:16,900 --> 00:02:20,070
- AND THAT WAS THE GREATEST
MOMENT OF MY LIFE.
61
00:02:20,067 --> 00:02:21,397
[laughter]
62
00:02:21,433 --> 00:02:23,673
IF YOU'D LIKE TO SEE MORE
OF MR. BILL ALLEN,
63
00:02:23,700 --> 00:02:25,070
DON'T WORRY, YOU WILL.
64
00:02:25,067 --> 00:02:27,797
AS LONG AS I HAVE A TV SHOW,
CRU JONES HAS A HOME.
65
00:02:27,833 --> 00:02:29,573
[laughter]
66
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:31,570
I LOVE YOU, CRU.
67
00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:33,730
I SWEAR, LIKE, IF HE WAS HANGING
FROM A CLIFF
68
00:02:33,767 --> 00:02:35,327
AND I WAS HOLDING HIM
WITH ONE ARM
69
00:02:35,367 --> 00:02:37,297
AND I WAS HOLDING MY GIRLFRIEND
WITH THE OTHER
70
00:02:37,333 --> 00:02:39,873
AND I HAD ENOUGH STRENGTH
TO SAVE THEM BOTH,
71
00:02:39,900 --> 00:02:42,230
I WOULD LET GO
OF MY GIRLFRIEND
72
00:02:42,267 --> 00:02:43,897
JUST SO I COULD MAKE SURE
73
00:02:43,933 --> 00:02:46,133
THAT I REALLY
HAD A GOOD GRIP ON BILL.
74
00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:47,227
[laughter]
75
00:02:47,267 --> 00:02:49,167
THIS CALLS FOR SOME MUSIC.
76
00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:51,270
- I'M GONNA SING FIVE OCTAVES
ON THE PIANO.
77
00:02:51,300 --> 00:02:52,630
- HE'S SELF-TAUGHT.
78
00:02:52,667 --> 00:02:53,627
[single note on piano]
79
00:02:53,667 --> 00:02:55,067
- [sings low note off-key]
80
00:02:55,067 --> 00:02:56,067
[single note on piano]
81
00:02:56,067 --> 00:02:57,527
[sings low note off-key]
82
00:02:57,567 --> 00:02:59,727
- HE'S OFF TO A BAD START.
IT CAN ONLY GET BETTER.
83
00:02:59,767 --> 00:03:00,797
[single note on piano]
84
00:03:00,833 --> 00:03:01,803
- [sings higher note
off-key]
85
00:03:01,833 --> 00:03:02,803
- I WAS WRONG.
86
00:03:02,833 --> 00:03:03,873
- [sings higher note
off-key]
87
00:03:03,900 --> 00:03:05,170
- I THINK HE'S HAVING
A STROKE.
88
00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:06,300
- [sings high note off-key]
89
00:03:06,333 --> 00:03:07,333
[single note on piano]
90
00:03:07,367 --> 00:03:08,327
[sings high note off-key]
91
00:03:08,367 --> 00:03:09,327
- NAILED IT.
92
00:03:09,367 --> 00:03:11,927
- [sings high note
off-key]
93
00:03:11,967 --> 00:03:15,197
- [imitates his high note]
94
00:03:15,233 --> 00:03:16,673
[laughter]
95
00:03:16,700 --> 00:03:19,300
AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT'S
GUESSING THE PIANO'S OUT OF KEY?
96
00:03:19,333 --> 00:03:20,473
[laughter]
97
00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:22,870
BECAUSE HE SOUNDS
LIKE AN ANGEL.
98
00:03:22,900 --> 00:03:25,670
LIKE A YOUNG
CHARLOTTE CHURCH.
99
00:03:25,700 --> 00:03:29,130
A YOUNG CHARLOTTE CHURCH
WITH HUGE, HAIRY BALLS.
100
00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:30,697
[laughter]
101
00:03:30,733 --> 00:03:31,833
[sighs]
102
00:03:31,867 --> 00:03:33,097
I THINK IT'S TIME
103
00:03:33,133 --> 00:03:35,773
WE BRING A LITTLE INTERNATIONAL
FLAVOR TO THE SHOW.
104
00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:37,570
[wind blowing]
105
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:41,630
[laughter]
106
00:03:41,667 --> 00:03:43,927
- YEAH, IT'S THE LIGHTER SIDE
OF TERRORISM.
107
00:03:43,967 --> 00:03:46,197
[laughter]
108
00:03:46,233 --> 00:03:47,473
OKAY, I HAVE TO SAY THIS.
109
00:03:47,500 --> 00:03:49,300
DO NOT DO THIS AT HOME.
110
00:03:49,333 --> 00:03:51,873
THEY ARE CLEARLY
PROFESSIONALS
111
00:03:51,900 --> 00:03:53,600
AND THEY ARE DOING THIS
FOR A MOVIE
112
00:03:53,633 --> 00:03:56,233
AND IT'S CLEARLY DONE
ON A CLOSED COURSE.
113
00:03:56,267 --> 00:03:58,767
[laughter]
114
00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:00,800
ALL RIGHT, NOW THAT
WE TOOK CARE OF THAT,
115
00:04:00,833 --> 00:04:02,603
PLEASE SEND US YOUR VIDEOS.
116
00:04:02,633 --> 00:04:05,233
NO, I'M--[laughs]
THAT'S A JOKE. DON'T.
117
00:04:05,267 --> 00:04:06,827
[laughter]
118
00:04:06,867 --> 00:04:07,867
ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE
119
00:04:07,900 --> 00:04:10,170
HOW MANY
FUNNY/SLIGHTLY RACIST COMMENTS
120
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:12,270
WE CAN POST IN 20 SECONDS.
121
00:04:12,300 --> 00:04:13,400
[exhales]
122
00:04:13,433 --> 00:04:14,873
HOW MUCH OIL DO THEY HAVE?
123
00:04:14,900 --> 00:04:16,130
[laughter]
124
00:04:16,167 --> 00:04:18,327
I ALWAYS THOUGHT THEY USED
MAGIC CARPETS.
125
00:04:18,367 --> 00:04:20,097
[laughter]
126
00:04:20,133 --> 00:04:21,973
THEY'RE GETTING MORE CREATIVE
WITH THEIR SUICIDES.
127
00:04:22,067 --> 00:04:23,397
[laughter]
128
00:04:23,433 --> 00:04:26,703
IT'S LIKE A TEAM-BUILDING
EXERCISE FOR OPEC.
129
00:04:26,733 --> 00:04:29,833
TRUST ME, IF YOU ATE FALAFEL
AND FLATBREAD EVERY DAY,
130
00:04:29,867 --> 00:04:32,497
YOU'D TAKE MORE CHANCES TOO.
131
00:04:32,533 --> 00:04:35,533
SAY WHAT YOU WILL, THIS [bleep]
NEVER HAPPENED UNDER SADDAM.
132
00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:37,227
[laughter]
133
00:04:37,267 --> 00:04:39,427
DO YOU MISS SADDAM?
I DON'T.
134
00:04:39,467 --> 00:04:41,067
I THINK WE DID
THE RIGHT THING,
135
00:04:41,100 --> 00:04:43,100
BUT I THINK INVADING ORIGINALLY
WAS PROBABLY--
136
00:04:43,133 --> 00:04:44,733
NEVER MIND.
137
00:04:44,767 --> 00:04:47,527
THIS ISN'T THE PLACE.
138
00:04:47,567 --> 00:04:48,767
HOW DO YOU KNOW
139
00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:51,200
A MUSCULAR POLISH CHICK
HAS BEEN IN YOUR KITCHEN?
140
00:04:51,233 --> 00:04:52,773
THIS MAKES ME HARD.
141
00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:55,700
I MEAN, THAT LOOKS HARD.
142
00:04:55,733 --> 00:04:57,403
[laughter]
143
00:04:57,433 --> 00:05:00,633
DON'T ASK FOR
THE DEEP-TISSUE HAND [bleep].
144
00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:04,067
[laughter]
145
00:05:04,100 --> 00:05:05,700
OH.
146
00:05:05,733 --> 00:05:08,703
[laughter]
147
00:05:08,733 --> 00:05:09,833
- TA-DAH!
148
00:05:09,867 --> 00:05:11,127
[laughter]
149
00:05:11,167 --> 00:05:12,567
- ALL RIGHT, GREAT.
NOW UNROLL IT.
150
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:14,770
I'M [bleep] STARVING.
151
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:16,900
[laughs]
152
00:05:16,933 --> 00:05:18,933
SPEAKING OF
FOREIGN COUNTRIES,
153
00:05:18,967 --> 00:05:21,227
LET'S HEAD TO
THE UNIVERSITY OF GEORGIA.
154
00:05:21,267 --> 00:05:23,197
- THIS IS THE DOGS!
155
00:05:23,233 --> 00:05:25,273
THIS IS STANFORD, BABY!
156
00:05:25,300 --> 00:05:28,070
THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
FOR THE DOGS!
157
00:05:28,067 --> 00:05:32,367
IT REALLY SHINES WHEN
THE WHITE IS ON THE FACE!
158
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:38,070
SPURRIER, YOU THINK
VISORS ARE COOL?
159
00:05:38,100 --> 00:05:40,530
[laughter]
160
00:05:40,567 --> 00:05:42,227
- AAH.
161
00:05:42,267 --> 00:05:44,327
IF ANYONE KNOWS COOL,
162
00:05:44,367 --> 00:05:45,897
IT'S THIS
SERIAL-KILLER-IN-TRAINING
163
00:05:45,933 --> 00:05:47,833
RIGHT HERE.
164
00:05:47,867 --> 00:05:50,567
LET'S ALL AGREE NOT TO LOOK
BEHIND HIS DORM ROOM WALLS.
165
00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:53,430
[laughter]
166
00:05:53,467 --> 00:05:56,797
[laughs]
ALL RIGHT.
167
00:05:56,833 --> 00:05:58,333
I'D LISTEN TO HIM,
BECAUSE I SAW HIM
168
00:05:58,367 --> 00:06:01,727
BRING A DEAD DEER
BACK TO LIFE.
169
00:06:01,767 --> 00:06:04,227
I'M TELLING YOU, WE SHOULD
KILL ALL THE REDHEADS.
170
00:06:04,267 --> 00:06:06,597
THEY ARE A DANGEROUS BREED.
171
00:06:06,633 --> 00:06:08,303
ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH OF
THESE CREEPY VIDEOS.
172
00:06:08,333 --> 00:06:10,233
I WANT TO WATCH CHILDREN.
173
00:06:10,267 --> 00:06:11,297
[audience aws]
174
00:06:11,333 --> 00:06:14,803
- [chattering indistinctly]
175
00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:19,933
[audience ohs]
176
00:06:19,967 --> 00:06:23,667
- OH, OH, OH! YOU WERE
SO CLOSE TO THE BORDER.
177
00:06:23,700 --> 00:06:25,700
[laughter]
178
00:06:25,733 --> 00:06:27,133
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET
FOR DRIVING
179
00:06:27,167 --> 00:06:30,097
A GAS-GUZZLING SUV,
YOU PRICK.
180
00:06:30,133 --> 00:06:31,473
ALL RIGHT,
LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK
181
00:06:31,500 --> 00:06:33,670
AND ASSESS THE DAMAGE
IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.
182
00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:39,730
[cheers and applause]
183
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:42,927
- THIS FAMILY HAS THE WORST LAWN
ON THE BLOCK.
184
00:06:42,967 --> 00:06:45,827
DAD CLEARLY ISN'T BRINGING
HIS WORK HOME WITH HIM.
185
00:06:45,867 --> 00:06:48,067
[laughter]
186
00:06:48,100 --> 00:06:50,330
THE MOST SURPRISING PART
OF THIS VIDEO
187
00:06:50,367 --> 00:06:52,227
IS THAT THE WHOLE VILLAGE
OF SANTA POCO
188
00:06:52,267 --> 00:06:54,727
WASN'T IN THE CAR
WITH HIM.
189
00:06:54,767 --> 00:06:57,067
NOTICE HIS SISTER
SHOVING HIM.
190
00:06:57,067 --> 00:06:59,627
THAT'S JUST PROOF
THAT 100% OF CAR ACCIDENTS
191
00:06:59,667 --> 00:07:01,397
ARE CAUSED BY WOMEN.
192
00:07:01,433 --> 00:07:03,833
[laughter]
193
00:07:03,867 --> 00:07:06,927
WHO'D HAVE GUESSED THEY'D
HAVE TO PUSH-START THEIR TOYS?
194
00:07:06,967 --> 00:07:10,067
WATCH ENRIQUE REALIZE
HIS BRAKES HAVE BEEN CUT.
195
00:07:10,067 --> 00:07:13,367
HE PANICS, TRIES TO STOP
THE CAR FLINTSTONE-STYLE,
196
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:15,270
BUT HE'S PAST THE POINT
OF NO RETURN.
197
00:07:15,300 --> 00:07:16,800
NOW ALL HE CAN DO
IS HOLD ON
198
00:07:16,833 --> 00:07:19,703
AND KEEP HER
POINTING DOWNHILL.
199
00:07:19,733 --> 00:07:22,303
OH! EITHER HIS ALIGNMENT
IS OFF
200
00:07:22,333 --> 00:07:26,073
OR THAT'S THE SIDE OF THE CAR
HE STASHED THE COCAINE ON.
201
00:07:26,100 --> 00:07:29,700
EITHER WAY, POWER WHEELS
CAN'T HANDLE TURNS
202
00:07:29,733 --> 00:07:31,073
AT THAT HIGH SPEED.
203
00:07:31,067 --> 00:07:34,067
EVERYONE KNOWS THOSE JEEPS
ARE DANGEROUSLY TOP-HEAVY.
204
00:07:34,067 --> 00:07:37,167
MAYBE HE'LL
STRAIGHTEN IT OUT.
205
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:39,470
NOT A CHANCE.
206
00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:42,430
HE FAILS TO PULL OFF
THE TOKYO DRIFT.
207
00:07:42,467 --> 00:07:44,067
YOU GOTTA TURN
INTO THE SKID.
208
00:07:44,100 --> 00:07:45,800
COME ON!
209
00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:48,473
OH, MAN, SOMEONE'S
GONNA NEED A SIESTA.
210
00:07:48,500 --> 00:07:50,070
[laughter]
211
00:07:50,067 --> 00:07:51,397
I JUST HOPE
NOBODY WAS HURT,
212
00:07:51,433 --> 00:07:53,503
BECAUSE YOU KNOW HE DOESN'T
HAVE ANY INSURANCE.
213
00:07:53,533 --> 00:07:54,773
[audience groans]
214
00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:56,400
BECAUSE HE'S A CHILD.
215
00:07:56,433 --> 00:07:58,073
[laughter]
216
00:07:58,067 --> 00:08:00,397
AND HERE'S A LESSON
FOR ALL YOU KIDS OUT THERE.
217
00:08:00,433 --> 00:08:03,373
WEAR A HELMET, EVEN THOUGH IT
MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A DORK.
218
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,330
AND I KNOW YOU'RE LIKE,
"COOL KIDS DON'T WEAR 'EM."
219
00:08:05,367 --> 00:08:07,097
THAT'S BECAUSE
THEY'RE NOT CLUMSY.
220
00:08:07,133 --> 00:08:08,473
[laughter]
221
00:08:08,500 --> 00:08:10,400
I'M JUST GLAD HIS MOM
DID THE RIGHT THING
222
00:08:10,433 --> 00:08:11,603
AND KEPT
THE CAMERA ROLLING,
223
00:08:11,633 --> 00:08:13,633
AND FOR THAT,
WE SAY GRACIAS.
224
00:08:13,667 --> 00:08:14,627
[laughter]
225
00:08:14,667 --> 00:08:17,327
[applause]
226
00:08:17,367 --> 00:08:18,597
COMING UP,
227
00:08:18,633 --> 00:08:20,873
WE GIVE THE CRYING GIANTS FAN
A WEB REDEMPTION,
228
00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:23,800
BUT FIRST, HERE'S YOUR
CRAIGSLIST POST OF THE WEEK.
229
00:08:48,100 --> 00:08:49,370
[laughter]
230
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:51,200
[applause]
231
00:08:54,933 --> 00:08:56,103
IN THE NFL,
232
00:08:56,133 --> 00:08:58,103
AND WE [bleep] DIDN'T
PROVE IT THAT DAY,
233
00:08:58,133 --> 00:09:00,673
AND NOW WE'RE OUT OF IT
COMPLETELY.
234
00:09:00,700 --> 00:09:02,400
I WANTED ANOTHER
SUPER BOWL TROPHY.
235
00:09:02,433 --> 00:09:04,103
WE'RE NOT GONNA GET IT
THIS YEAR,
236
00:09:04,133 --> 00:09:05,873
EVEN THOUGH WE DESERVED IT.
237
00:09:05,900 --> 00:09:07,730
THIS TEAM IS MY LIFE!
238
00:09:07,767 --> 00:09:09,327
THIS TEAM
IS WHY I LIVE!
239
00:09:09,367 --> 00:09:10,467
- [bleep] YOU!
240
00:09:10,500 --> 00:09:13,100
I GET THE [bleep]!
[bleep]!
241
00:09:13,133 --> 00:09:14,373
- [bleep].
242
00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:17,230
- SHUT THE [bleep] UP,
YOU MOTHER[bleep]!
243
00:09:17,267 --> 00:09:18,797
IT'S A [bleep] GAME!
244
00:09:18,833 --> 00:09:20,273
[bleep]!
245
00:09:20,300 --> 00:09:21,900
[laughter]
246
00:09:21,933 --> 00:09:23,633
- YOU THINK HE BANGED
THOSE CHICKS?
247
00:09:23,667 --> 00:09:25,367
[laughter]
248
00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:27,070
HEY, PLAXICO BURRESS
DIDN'T EVEN CRY,
249
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:28,597
AND HE SHOT HIMSELF.
250
00:09:28,633 --> 00:09:30,073
SUPPOSEDLY HE'S UPSET
251
00:09:30,067 --> 00:09:32,527
BECAUSE THE NEW YORK GIANTS LOST
IN THE PLAYOFFS LAST YEAR,
252
00:09:32,567 --> 00:09:34,327
BUT I'M GONNA GIVE HIM
THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT
253
00:09:34,367 --> 00:09:38,167
AND HOPE THAT HE JUST FOUND OUT
THAT HE HAS MAN-BOOB CANCER.
254
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:39,930
THE LAST TIME I CRIED
OVER FOOTBALL
255
00:09:39,967 --> 00:09:41,367
IS WHEN TOM BRADY GOT HURT,
256
00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:42,800
AND THOSE WERE
TEARS OF JOY.
257
00:09:42,833 --> 00:09:44,833
HA HA HA,
YOUR COACH IS A CHEATER,
258
00:09:44,867 --> 00:09:48,327
YOUR RINGS ARE A LIE,
YOU BACKUP FROM MICHIGAN.
259
00:09:48,367 --> 00:09:50,597
YEAH, I SAID IT.
260
00:09:50,633 --> 00:09:53,333
I'M A DOLPHINS FAN,
AND EVERY TIME WE LOSE,
261
00:09:53,367 --> 00:09:55,597
WHICH IS A LOT,
THANKS TO THE WILDCAT...
262
00:09:55,633 --> 00:09:56,973
[laughter]
263
00:09:57,067 --> 00:09:58,227
I DON'T CRY.
264
00:09:58,267 --> 00:09:59,997
I SAVE MY TEARS
FOR IMPORTANT THINGS,
265
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:00,070
I SAVE MY TEARS
FOR IMPORTANT THINGS,
LIKE WHEN I GET A STAIN
ON MY CARDIGAN.
266
00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:01,897
LIKE WHEN I GET A STAIN
ON MY CARDIGAN.
267
00:10:01,933 --> 00:10:03,573
[laughter]
268
00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:06,570
FOOTBALL IS THE MANLIEST
PROFESSION IN THE WORLD,
269
00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:08,730
EXCEPT FOR BOXING, RUGBY,
BULLFIGHTING,
270
00:10:08,767 --> 00:10:10,297
MILITARY SERVICE,
ARM WRESTLING,
271
00:10:10,333 --> 00:10:12,533
ICE ROAD TRUCKING,
LAW ENFORCEMENT,
272
00:10:12,567 --> 00:10:14,267
FIREFIGHTING,
COMPETITIVE EATING,
273
00:10:14,300 --> 00:10:18,130
NINJAS, OR BEING THE LEAD SINGER
OF THE GOO GOO DOLLS.
274
00:10:18,167 --> 00:10:20,567
LOOK, YOU'RE NOT A LOSER
BECAUSE YOU DRESS UP
275
00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:22,330
IN SHOULDER PADS
WITH SPIKES ON THEM.
276
00:10:22,367 --> 00:10:24,697
YOU'RE A LOSER BECAUSE
YOU LIKE THE RAIDERS.
277
00:10:24,733 --> 00:10:26,273
[laughter]
278
00:10:26,300 --> 00:10:29,030
TEAMS NEED REAL FANS WHO WILL
PAY FOR SEASON TICKETS,
279
00:10:29,067 --> 00:10:31,267
YELL THEIR DRUNKEN ASSES OFF
DURING THE GAME
280
00:10:31,300 --> 00:10:33,470
TO GET A COUPLE CHEAP
FALSE START PENALTIES.
281
00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:35,300
JUST WATCH THE GAME
LIKE A GROWN-UP.
282
00:10:35,333 --> 00:10:37,573
CRYING GIANTS FAN'S
ONLY REAL CRIME
283
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:38,970
WAS THAT HE CARED TOO MUCH,
284
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,030
SO WE DECIDED TO GIVE HIM
A SHOULDER TO CRY ON
285
00:10:41,067 --> 00:10:43,367
WITH THE HOPES THAT HE'D LEARN
TO NUT UP OR SHUT UP
286
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:45,230
IN THIS WEEK'S
WEB REDEMPTION.
287
00:10:45,267 --> 00:10:48,567
[applause]
288
00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:49,730
HAVE A SEAT.
- THANK YOU, SIR.
289
00:10:49,767 --> 00:10:51,067
- OH, I'M GLAD
YOU COULD COME OVER.
290
00:10:51,100 --> 00:10:52,770
- NO PROBLEM.
- IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.
291
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:54,170
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN
A GIANTS FAN?
292
00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:56,130
- I'VE BEEN A GIANTS FAN
MY ENTIRE LIFE.
293
00:10:56,167 --> 00:11:00,227
- [bleep] MERRICK HILL,
LAWRENCE TAYLOR,
294
00:11:00,267 --> 00:11:04,327
ELI MANNING,
THE DALLAS COWBOY CHEERLEADERS.
295
00:11:04,367 --> 00:11:07,227
- OH.
YOU'RE KILLING ME HERE.
296
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:10,327
- [laughs]
- NO. LET'S GO.
297
00:11:10,367 --> 00:11:12,667
YOU SEE, MY DIGNITY
MEANS NOTHING
298
00:11:12,700 --> 00:11:14,670
WHEN IT COMES TO THE GIANTS,
SO I'M GONNA SAY
299
00:11:14,700 --> 00:11:16,200
KILL THE CHEERLEADERS.
- YES!
300
00:11:16,233 --> 00:11:19,833
- MARRY ELI MANNING,
AND [bleep] LAWRENCE TAYLOR.
301
00:11:19,867 --> 00:11:22,467
- YOU'RE A FAN.
YOU'RE A TRUE FAN.
302
00:11:22,500 --> 00:11:24,170
THAT'S THE ONLY ANSWER.
303
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:27,200
HOW LONG AFTER THE GAME
WAS THIS VIDEO SHOT?
304
00:11:27,233 --> 00:11:30,803
- OH, BOY, THIS WAS
A FULL NIGHT AFTERWARDS.
305
00:11:30,833 --> 00:11:33,103
- THIS WAS THE NEXT DAY?
- THE NEXT NIGHT.
306
00:11:33,133 --> 00:11:34,733
- OH, THAT IS CRAZY.
- YEAH.
307
00:11:34,767 --> 00:11:37,567
- SEE, I WAS HOPING THIS WAS
MINUTES AFTER THE GAME WAS OVER.
308
00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:38,930
- NO, I HAD TO DRIVE
FROM THE BRONX,
309
00:11:38,967 --> 00:11:42,067
FIVE HOURS UPSTATE,
GET TO MY FRIEND'S HOUSE--
310
00:11:42,067 --> 00:11:43,467
- TO BREAK DOWN.
311
00:11:43,500 --> 00:11:46,400
WOULD YOU RATHER GO
UNDEFEATED THIS YEAR
312
00:11:46,433 --> 00:11:49,773
AND WIN THE SUPER BOWL
OR CATCH OSAMA BIN LADEN?
313
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,470
- WHAT, ME PERSONALLY
CATCH HIM?
314
00:11:51,500 --> 00:11:52,600
- NO.
- OH. UM...
315
00:11:52,633 --> 00:11:54,073
- OSAMA GETS CAUGHT.
316
00:11:54,100 --> 00:11:55,330
- UNDEFEATED
AT THE SUPER BOWL.
317
00:11:55,367 --> 00:11:56,967
WITHOUT A DOUBT.
318
00:11:57,067 --> 00:11:58,467
- WE'LL CATCH OSAMA
NEXT YEAR?
319
00:11:58,500 --> 00:11:59,600
- YEAH, WE'LL GET HIM
NEXT YEAR.
320
00:11:59,633 --> 00:12:01,473
- OUR GOAL TODAY, THOUGH,
321
00:12:01,500 --> 00:12:04,900
IS TO PREPARE YOU
FOR A PRESS CONFERENCE.
322
00:12:04,933 --> 00:12:05,903
- OKAY.
323
00:12:05,933 --> 00:12:07,073
- BEFORE WE, UH,
324
00:12:07,067 --> 00:12:09,127
GIVE YOU A CHANCE
TO REDEEM YOURSELF.
325
00:12:09,167 --> 00:12:10,527
I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU
TO SOME PEOPLE,
326
00:12:10,567 --> 00:12:12,527
GIVE YOU SOME
PROPER PERSPECTIVE.
327
00:12:12,567 --> 00:12:15,067
- SOUNDS GOOD.
- BRIAN, COME ON IN HERE.
328
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:16,227
BRIAN, ROBERT.
329
00:12:16,267 --> 00:12:18,727
- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- NICE TO MEET YOU, MAN.
330
00:12:18,767 --> 00:12:21,827
- HOW MANY, UH, HOW MANY WINS
YOU GET LAST SEASON?
331
00:12:21,867 --> 00:12:24,067
WE HAD ZERO.
WE HAD ZERO.
332
00:12:24,067 --> 00:12:26,067
YOU GUYS--YOU GUYS
ARE IN THE PLAYOFFS?
333
00:12:26,067 --> 00:12:27,567
- YEAH.
- YEAH, WE HAD ZERO WINS.
334
00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:28,830
ZERO.
335
00:12:28,867 --> 00:12:31,627
WELL, YOU GUYS HAVE
ANY SUPER BOWL WINS?
336
00:12:31,667 --> 00:12:33,427
- THREE.
- YEAH, WE HAVE ZERO.
337
00:12:33,467 --> 00:12:36,067
ZERO. YEAH.
- ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.
338
00:12:36,067 --> 00:12:37,067
- THANK YOU.
- GOOD JOB.
339
00:12:37,067 --> 00:12:38,067
- THANK YOU.
340
00:12:38,067 --> 00:12:40,067
- STOP CRYING, WUSSY.
- I WILL.
341
00:12:41,500 --> 00:12:44,100
- SCOTT, WHY DON'T YOU TELL HIM
WHAT YOU WENT THROUGH LAST YEAR?
342
00:12:44,133 --> 00:12:46,073
- YEAH, YEAH, I HAD A PRETTY BAD
YEAR LAST YEAR ALSO.
343
00:12:46,067 --> 00:12:47,527
YOU KNOW, I HAD CANCER.
344
00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:50,067
- WOW.
- YEAH. YEAH, SO...
345
00:12:50,100 --> 00:12:51,970
- ALL RIGHT, ROB,
BEFORE WE GO OUT THERE,
346
00:12:52,067 --> 00:12:56,567
I THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE A REALLY
GOOD VIDEO FOR YOU TO WATCH.
347
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,770
- HEY, ROB,
OTTIS ANDERSON HERE.
348
00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:01,230
WHEN YOU CRY, IT MAKES
THE WHOLE TEAM LOOK BAD,
349
00:13:01,267 --> 00:13:04,467
SO STOP BEING
SUCH A [bleep] AND MAN UP.
350
00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:05,970
- IT SEEMS LIKE
GOOD ADVICE TO ME.
351
00:13:06,067 --> 00:13:07,067
- ME TOO.
352
00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:08,330
- OKAY, WE'RE GONNA
GO OUT THERE.
353
00:13:08,367 --> 00:13:09,727
- OKAY.
354
00:13:09,767 --> 00:13:11,297
- THEY'RE GONNA BE ASKING
A LOT OF TOUGH QUESTIONS.
355
00:13:11,333 --> 00:13:14,473
I WANT YOU TO BE RELAXED,
I WANT YOU TO BE PASSIONATE,
356
00:13:14,500 --> 00:13:16,100
BUT I DON'T WANT YOU
TO BE EMOTIONAL.
357
00:13:16,133 --> 00:13:17,733
- NO PROBLEM, NO PROBLEM.
- YOU CAN DO THIS.
358
00:13:17,767 --> 00:13:20,067
THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW, ARE YOU
READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?
359
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:21,067
- LET'S GO.
- LET'S DO THIS.
360
00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:22,070
- LET'S DO IT.
361
00:13:22,100 --> 00:13:23,600
[overlapping chatter]
362
00:13:23,633 --> 00:13:26,873
- HEY, ROB, I WAS WONDERING
HOW YOU PLAN ON COMMEMORATING
363
00:13:26,900 --> 00:13:29,170
THE GIANTS CHOKING IN
THE PLAYOFFS AGAIN THIS YEAR?
364
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:30,700
- NEXT QUESTION.
365
00:13:30,733 --> 00:13:33,333
- TECHNICALLY, THE PATRIOTS WERE
A MUCH BETTER TEAM IN 2008,
366
00:13:33,367 --> 00:13:34,727
EVEN THOUGH THE GIANTS
WON THE SUPER BOWL.
367
00:13:34,767 --> 00:13:36,067
HOW DO YOU RESPOND?
368
00:13:36,067 --> 00:13:37,067
- THAT'S A GREAT
SPORTS QUESTION.
369
00:13:37,100 --> 00:13:38,730
CAN WE HAVE A MAN READ THAT
370
00:13:38,767 --> 00:13:40,497
SO WE CAN ACTUALLY
TAKE IT SERIOUSLY?
371
00:13:40,533 --> 00:13:44,133
- YOU LOST TO THE EAGLES
AT HOME.
372
00:13:44,167 --> 00:13:45,697
- THAT'S NOT EVEN A--
373
00:13:45,733 --> 00:13:48,103
THAT'S NOT EVEN A QUESTION.
374
00:13:48,133 --> 00:13:53,133
- UH, IF TIKI AND RONDE BARBER
ARE IDENTICAL TWINS,
375
00:13:53,167 --> 00:13:55,897
HOW COME TIKI'S THE ONLY ONE
WHO SUCKS [bleep]?
376
00:13:55,933 --> 00:13:57,173
- WHAT TYPE OF WOOD
377
00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:58,670
DO YOU THINK TOM KAUFMAN'S TEETH
ARE MADE FROM?
378
00:13:58,700 --> 00:13:59,830
- DO YOU WATCH GAMES AT HOME,
ALONE,
379
00:13:59,867 --> 00:14:01,227
OR ALONE AT THE BAR?
380
00:14:01,267 --> 00:14:03,567
- DAVE AND MEGAN ALMOST RHYMES
WITH [bleep].
381
00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:05,930
- [bleep]! YOU ARE JUST
A FAT, STUPID [bleep]!
382
00:14:05,967 --> 00:14:07,767
- CLASSICO,
YOU [bleep] ASSICO.
383
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:09,570
- NOW THAT GAMES ARE IN HD,
IS IT EASIER TO MASTURBATE?
384
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:11,430
- WHY CAN'T YOU GROW
A REAL BEARD?
385
00:14:11,467 --> 00:14:13,767
- BILL SIMMS' KID IS A [bleep]!
HAVE YOU SEEN HIM PLAY?
386
00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:14,900
- HOW BIG IS YOUR [bleep]?
387
00:14:14,933 --> 00:14:16,073
- IF YOU HAD ONE NIGHT
WITH TOM COLLINS,
388
00:14:16,100 --> 00:14:17,430
SPIT OR SWALLOW?
389
00:14:17,467 --> 00:14:18,627
- TWO PART QUESTION.
390
00:14:18,667 --> 00:14:20,697
ELI MANNING SUCKS ASS
AND GO [bleep] YOURSELF.
391
00:14:20,733 --> 00:14:21,903
GO [bleep] YOURSELF.
392
00:14:21,933 --> 00:14:24,433
[slow speed]
GO [bleep] YOURSELF.
393
00:14:26,500 --> 00:14:28,500
- STOP THAT.
[bleep] YOU, MAN.
394
00:14:28,533 --> 00:14:30,633
YES. FALSE. NO.
YOU ARE. YES. NO.
395
00:14:30,667 --> 00:14:32,727
ABSOLUTELY. SWALLOW.
YOU'RE A BITCH.
396
00:14:32,767 --> 00:14:34,427
I THINK IT'S FALSE.
[bleep] YOU. NO COMMENT.
397
00:14:34,467 --> 00:14:35,427
I LIKE HIM.
NEXT QUESTION.
398
00:14:35,467 --> 00:14:37,967
HONESTLY,
[bleep] ALL YOU GUYS.
399
00:14:38,067 --> 00:14:39,267
- NO MORE QUESTIONS.
400
00:14:39,300 --> 00:14:41,300
MY CLIENT HAS PROVEN THAT
HE'S NO LONGER A SISSY.
401
00:14:41,333 --> 00:14:44,903
WE'VE GOT A GAME
TO GO TO.
402
00:14:44,933 --> 00:14:48,633
- GO, GIANTS!
403
00:14:48,667 --> 00:14:50,297
GIANTS!
- LET'S GO, BABY!
404
00:14:50,333 --> 00:14:52,573
- GUESS WHAT WE'RE GRILLING
TODAY?
405
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,730
SOME BALD EAGLES!
406
00:14:55,767 --> 00:14:58,427
THAT'S SOME GOOD
BALD EAGLE!
407
00:14:58,467 --> 00:15:03,167
IT'S NOT DONE!
RAW CHICKEN'S BAD FOR YOU!
408
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:04,570
[laughter]
409
00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:06,970
AH.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK,
410
00:15:07,067 --> 00:15:09,897
BUT FIRST, HERE'S YOUR TOSH.O
PRANK OF THE WEEK.
411
00:15:09,933 --> 00:15:11,073
- I'M GONNA TEACH MY AUNT
412
00:15:11,067 --> 00:15:12,727
THAT SHE NEEDS TO START
LOCKING HER DOOR.
413
00:15:12,767 --> 00:15:15,827
GOT YOUR BASIC JASON MASK
RIGHT HERE.
414
00:15:15,867 --> 00:15:17,367
LET'S GO HAVE SOME FUN.
415
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:21,070
[musical ringtone]
416
00:15:21,067 --> 00:15:22,067
- HELLO.
417
00:15:22,067 --> 00:15:23,797
[banging]
418
00:15:23,833 --> 00:15:25,533
- WHAT? NO! HEY!
419
00:15:25,567 --> 00:15:30,227
[screaming]
420
00:15:30,267 --> 00:15:31,727
HELP!
421
00:15:31,767 --> 00:15:33,267
[screaming]
422
00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:35,270
- [indistinct]
423
00:15:35,300 --> 00:15:37,200
- [screaming]
424
00:15:37,233 --> 00:15:38,333
- IT'S A MASK.
425
00:15:38,367 --> 00:15:40,067
- [screams]
426
00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:42,330
YOU ALMOST SCARED ME
TO DEATH, DOUGLAS!
427
00:15:42,367 --> 00:15:43,627
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
428
00:15:43,667 --> 00:15:45,927
I'M GONNA TELL YOUR MOTHER
ON YOU!
429
00:15:45,967 --> 00:15:47,127
[laughter]
430
00:15:47,167 --> 00:15:48,727
[applause]
431
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:54,570
- AND NOW...
432
00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:57,570
[rock music]
433
00:15:57,600 --> 00:16:05,670
*
434
00:16:09,067 --> 00:16:11,427
- HEY, GUYS.
- [screaming]
435
00:16:14,500 --> 00:16:18,530
- OH, MY GOODNESS,
STEREOTYPES ARE SO FUNNY.
436
00:16:18,567 --> 00:16:20,667
A LITTLE BEHIND-THE-SCENES
INFO FOR YOU.
437
00:16:20,700 --> 00:16:22,430
UH, TO BECOME SKINHEADS
FOR THAT VIDEO,
438
00:16:22,467 --> 00:16:25,327
I PERSONALLY SHAVED THE HEADS
OF MY ENTIRE STAFF.
439
00:16:25,367 --> 00:16:27,067
I ENJOYED IT.
440
00:16:27,067 --> 00:16:29,627
- GO, GO!
GO, GO!
441
00:16:29,667 --> 00:16:32,067
- FLASH MOBS ARE WHEN
LARGE GROUPS OF PEOPLE
442
00:16:32,067 --> 00:16:34,567
ASSEMBLE IN A PUBLIC PLACE
AND DO SOMETHING EMBARRASSING,
443
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:36,100
LIKE DANCE MC HAMMER.
444
00:16:36,133 --> 00:16:37,333
ALL RIGHT, STOP.
445
00:16:37,367 --> 00:16:38,327
- HAMMER TIME!
446
00:16:38,367 --> 00:16:43,067
[laughter]
447
00:16:43,067 --> 00:16:44,927
- I CAN REALLY DO IT.
448
00:16:44,967 --> 00:16:46,297
JUST DON'T PAN DOWN.
449
00:16:46,333 --> 00:16:48,873
UH, I THOUGHT I'D CREATE
A FLASH MOB OF MY OWN
450
00:16:48,900 --> 00:16:50,100
IN HONOR
OF DAVID LETTERMAN,
451
00:16:50,133 --> 00:16:51,903
SINCE HE'S BEEN IN THE NEWS
SO MUCH LATELY.
452
00:16:51,933 --> 00:16:54,103
HE USED TO DO A BIT
TO SEE HOW MANY PEOPLE
453
00:16:54,133 --> 00:16:56,273
IN SPIDER MAN SUITS
HE COULD FIT INTO A JAMBA JUICE.
454
00:16:56,300 --> 00:17:04,130
SO WITH THAT IN MIND,
LET'S SEE...
455
00:17:04,167 --> 00:17:06,797
GELATO IS MILK-BASED
456
00:17:06,833 --> 00:17:09,803
AND ICE CREAM
IS A CUSTARD-BASED MIX
457
00:17:09,833 --> 00:17:13,233
BETWEEN CREAM
AND EGG YOLKS.
458
00:17:13,267 --> 00:17:15,497
[laughter]
459
00:17:15,533 --> 00:17:16,673
I DON'T CARE
IF THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
460
00:17:16,700 --> 00:17:17,930
THAT'S INTERESTING.
461
00:17:17,967 --> 00:17:20,867
UH, THAT GIRL SEEMED YOUNG.
462
00:17:20,900 --> 00:17:22,430
IS THAT SARAH PALIN'S
DAUGHTER?
463
00:17:22,467 --> 00:17:23,597
[laughs]
464
00:17:23,633 --> 00:17:25,303
THE ONE THAT HAS CHILDREN
ALREADY
465
00:17:25,333 --> 00:17:26,773
AND IS OF AGE?
466
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:32,070
OH! THERE ARE SOME NBC PAGES
WITH HUGE JACKETS ON.
467
00:17:32,067 --> 00:17:33,267
WHAT ELSE DO WE HAVE?
468
00:17:33,300 --> 00:17:34,370
OH, THERE'S A GIRL
FROM DEAL OR NO DEAL,
469
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:36,870
THE GRUNGE EDITION.
470
00:17:36,900 --> 00:17:39,170
WHAT ELSE DO WE HAVE?
OH, IS THAT GRINDER GIRL?
471
00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:41,400
OH, I'M GLAD HE GAVE IT
TO HER.
472
00:17:41,433 --> 00:17:42,473
[laughter]
473
00:17:42,500 --> 00:17:44,300
SHE ALWAYS LOOKS SLUTTY,
YOU KNOW?
474
00:17:44,333 --> 00:17:46,173
IS THAT MY MOTHER?
475
00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:47,530
[laughter]
476
00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,727
THAT IS WEIRD BECAUSE
SHE ONLY WENT TO ONE TAPING,
477
00:17:49,767 --> 00:17:51,927
AND SHE TOLD ME
SHE LOVED LENO.
478
00:17:51,967 --> 00:17:53,827
ALL RIGHT, 28.
THAT'S NOT BAD.
479
00:17:53,867 --> 00:17:55,067
UH...
480
00:17:55,100 --> 00:17:57,070
[laughter]
481
00:17:57,067 --> 00:18:00,627
TOBY MAGUIRE?
[laughs]
482
00:18:00,667 --> 00:18:03,067
I GUESS THAT'S A STEP UP FROM
MAKING OUT WITH KIRSTEN DUNST.
483
00:18:03,067 --> 00:18:04,297
[audience ohs]
484
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:07,303
I DON'T--I DON'T LIKE
HER LITTLE TEETH.
485
00:18:07,333 --> 00:18:10,103
ALL RIGHT, SO THAT'S 28 WOMEN
AND ONE SUPERHERO.
486
00:18:10,133 --> 00:18:11,533
THAT'S NOT
THAT IMPRESSIVE.
487
00:18:11,567 --> 00:18:13,427
HE'S BEEN ON TELEVISION
FOR OVER 30 YEARS.
488
00:18:13,467 --> 00:18:16,297
BILL ALLEN HAD SEX WITH
OVER 30 PEOPLE BEFORE LUNCH.
489
00:18:16,333 --> 00:18:18,073
YEAH, THAT'S RAD.
490
00:18:18,067 --> 00:18:19,597
[laughter]
491
00:18:19,633 --> 00:18:21,333
AND I'M PRETTY SURE
THAT'S NOT EVERYONE
492
00:18:21,367 --> 00:18:22,597
DAVID LETTERMAN
HAD SEX WITH,
493
00:18:22,633 --> 00:18:24,973
BECAUSE I DIDN'T SEE
CRAIG FERGUSON IN THERE.
494
00:18:25,067 --> 00:18:26,697
YEAH,
AND I'M POSITIVE
495
00:18:26,733 --> 00:18:28,403
HE HAD TO [bleep] SOMEBODY
TO GET THAT JOB.
496
00:18:28,433 --> 00:18:31,503
[laughter]
497
00:18:31,533 --> 00:18:33,303
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SLEEP
WITH ANYONE
498
00:18:33,333 --> 00:18:34,503
TO GET ON THIS SHOW.
499
00:18:34,533 --> 00:18:37,073
JUST GO TO
COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.O
500
00:18:37,100 --> 00:18:38,330
AND UPLOAD YOUR CLIP
501
00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:40,197
FOR A CHANCE TO BE
OUR VIEWER VIDEO OF THE WEEK.
502
00:18:40,233 --> 00:18:43,073
THIS WEEK'S WINNER IS MARK
AND ANDY FROM FUNNY OR DIE.
503
00:18:43,100 --> 00:18:47,330
- MR. MATHESON, I KNOW THAT YOU
ARE IN FINANCIAL TROUBLE.
504
00:18:47,367 --> 00:18:53,267
THIS BOX MAY BE THE ANSWER
TO YOUR PROBLEM.
505
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:57,730
IF YOU PUSH THIS BUTTON,
TWO THINGS WILL HAPPEN.
506
00:18:57,767 --> 00:19:00,797
ONE, SOMEONE,
SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD,
507
00:19:00,833 --> 00:19:03,503
WHO YOU DON'T KNOW,
WILL DIE.
508
00:19:03,533 --> 00:19:04,873
- OKAY.
- AND TWO--
509
00:19:04,900 --> 00:19:07,600
[laughter]
510
00:19:07,633 --> 00:19:10,333
- OH! OH!
511
00:19:10,367 --> 00:19:13,567
PLEASE BE CAMERON DIAZ.
512
00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:14,570
THANKS, GUYS.
513
00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:15,930
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
514
00:19:15,967 --> 00:19:17,897
WITH MORE LEWIS BLACK'S
THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL.
515
00:19:17,933 --> 00:19:20,933
[applause]
516
00:19:26,900 --> 00:19:30,930
[applause]
517
00:19:30,967 --> 00:19:32,167
- WELCOME BACK.
518
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:33,730
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.
519
00:19:33,767 --> 00:19:35,327
[laughter]
520
00:19:35,367 --> 00:19:36,867
WHO'S THE CREEPY ONE NOW?
521
00:19:36,900 --> 00:19:39,070
UH, BE SURE TO TUNE IN
NEXT WEEK
522
00:19:39,067 --> 00:19:41,967
WHEN WE GIVE THE NINTENDO 64 KID
A WEB REDEMPTION.
523
00:19:42,067 --> 00:19:44,927
- NINTENDO 64!
524
00:19:44,967 --> 00:19:47,197
OH, MY GOD!
525
00:19:47,233 --> 00:19:49,103
- THANK YOU!
526
00:19:49,133 --> 00:19:52,103
- OH, MY GOD!
527
00:19:52,133 --> 00:19:55,103
- OH, IT'S GREAT TO KNOW
SOMEBODY HAD A GOOD CHILDHOOD.
528
00:19:55,133 --> 00:19:57,973
[laughs]
DAD, I LOVE YOU.
529
00:19:58,067 --> 00:19:59,727
[laughter]
530
00:19:59,767 --> 00:20:02,727
MESSAGE TO THE AMATEUR STRIPPERS
WATCHING AT HOME,
531
00:20:02,767 --> 00:20:04,897
YOU DON'T JUST START OUT
ON THE MAIN STAGE.
532
00:20:04,933 --> 00:20:07,273
JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN BUY
A POLE FOR YOUR HOUSE
533
00:20:07,300 --> 00:20:09,900
DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD BE
HANGING UPSIDE DOWN FROM IT.
534
00:20:09,933 --> 00:20:11,103
[rock music]
535
00:20:11,133 --> 00:20:12,303
[audience ohs]
536
00:20:12,333 --> 00:20:14,403
[laughter]
537
00:20:14,433 --> 00:20:15,773
*
538
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:16,830
[audience ohs]
539
00:20:16,867 --> 00:20:18,527
*
540
00:20:18,567 --> 00:20:20,097
[audience ohs]
541
00:20:20,133 --> 00:20:23,303
*
542
00:20:23,333 --> 00:20:24,303
[audience ohs]
543
00:20:24,333 --> 00:20:26,303
*
544
00:20:26,333 --> 00:20:28,033
[audience ohs]
545
00:20:28,067 --> 00:20:30,097
- OUCH!
546
00:20:30,133 --> 00:20:34,973
[both arguing]
547
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:36,600
- [laughs]
WHORES.
548
00:20:36,633 --> 00:20:38,673
[laughter]
549
00:20:38,700 --> 00:20:40,200
HEY, REMEMBER TO FOLLOW ME
ON TWITTER
550
00:20:40,233 --> 00:20:42,333
SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT
DURING THE SHOW.
551
00:20:42,367 --> 00:20:43,597
THAT'S ALWAYS FUN.
552
00:20:43,633 --> 00:20:45,933
AND MAKE SURE YOU COME
SEE ME DO STAND-UP LIVE,
553
00:20:45,967 --> 00:20:49,097
BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T,
I WILL BLACK OUT TOSH.O
554
00:20:49,133 --> 00:20:50,103
IN YOUR LOCAL AREA.
555
00:20:50,133 --> 00:20:51,133
YEAH.
556
00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:52,727
THE NFL ISN'T THE ONLY ONE
HURTING.
557
00:20:52,767 --> 00:20:54,427
UH, TUNE IN NEXT WEEK
558
00:20:54,467 --> 00:20:55,927
FOR OUR BIG
HALLOWEEN SHOW.
559
00:20:55,967 --> 00:20:57,467
IT'S GONNA BE VERY SCARY.
560
00:20:57,500 --> 00:20:59,700
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
GOOD NIGHT.
561
00:20:59,733 --> 00:21:02,773
[applause]
562
00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:05,800
Captioning by CaptionMax
www.captionmax.com
563
00:21:12,933 --> 00:21:14,333
THAT STRAHAN WAS LET GO
564
00:21:14,367 --> 00:21:16,467
JUST BECAUSE ELI'S [bleep] KEPT
GETTING STUCK IN HIS GAP?
565
00:21:16,500 --> 00:21:19,800
- [laughs]
OH, WOW, THAT IS JUST--
566
00:21:19,833 --> 00:21:21,733
- WHEN YOU'RE WATCHING
A GAME ON SUNDAY
567
00:21:21,767 --> 00:21:24,667
AND YOU SEE ELI MANNING
AND YOU IMAGINE, UH,
568
00:21:24,700 --> 00:21:26,070
THE SIZE AND SHAPE
OF HIS PENIS,
569
00:21:26,100 --> 00:21:29,230
IN INCHES, HOW BIG
DO YOU THINK IT REALLY IS?
570
00:21:29,267 --> 00:21:33,927
- TAKE YOURS
AND MULTIPLY THAT BY TEN
571
00:21:33,967 --> 00:21:39,297
AND THEN ADD 200.
572
00:21:39,333 --> 00:21:41,373
- THAT IS, UH,
THAT'S CLEARLY AN EXAGGERATION.
39644
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