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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:10,567 --> 00:00:11,597 [bleep]! 2 00:00:11,633 --> 00:00:12,703 OH, [bleep]! 3 00:00:12,733 --> 00:00:16,003 [crying] 4 00:00:16,033 --> 00:00:17,673 - YOU ALL RIGHT? 5 00:00:17,700 --> 00:00:18,670 [laughter] 6 00:00:18,700 --> 00:00:22,900 [applause] 7 00:00:22,933 --> 00:00:24,533 - AW, THANK YOU. 8 00:00:24,567 --> 00:00:26,067 WELCOME TO TOSH.O. 9 00:00:26,100 --> 00:00:28,400 I AM YOUR HOST DANIEL DWIGHT TOSH. 10 00:00:28,433 --> 00:00:29,873 HEH. YOU ALL RIGHT? 11 00:00:29,900 --> 00:00:31,270 [laughter] 12 00:00:31,300 --> 00:00:32,700 I WANT TO THANK ALL OF YOU 13 00:00:32,733 --> 00:00:36,973 FOR MAKING US LAST WEEK'S NUMBER 12 SHOW IN OUR TIME SLOT 14 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:40,770 ON CABLE, IN THE KEY DEMO, MALES 18 TO 19. 15 00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:42,170 THAT'S A BIG DEAL. THANK YOU. 16 00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:43,170 [cheers and applause] 17 00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:45,970 THANK YOU. WE EARNED IT. 18 00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:47,170 UH, COMING UP, 19 00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:49,400 THE CRYING GIANTS FAN GETS A WEB REDEMPTION, 20 00:00:49,433 --> 00:00:52,003 A DAVID LETTERMAN-INSPIRED FLASH MOB-- 21 00:00:52,033 --> 00:00:53,603 WHAT'S A FLASH MOB? 22 00:00:53,633 --> 00:00:57,033 UH, AND STRIPPERS HIT THE POLE AND THE GROUND. 23 00:00:57,067 --> 00:00:58,597 [audience groans] 24 00:00:58,633 --> 00:01:01,203 NOW CAN I SEE THAT OPENING VIDEO ONE MORE TIME? 25 00:01:01,233 --> 00:01:02,633 AND I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT 26 00:01:02,667 --> 00:01:05,627 THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE RAISED BY A SINGLE PARENT. 27 00:01:05,667 --> 00:01:06,827 [laughter] 28 00:01:06,867 --> 00:01:08,197 [bleep]! 29 00:01:08,233 --> 00:01:10,133 OH, [bleep]! 30 00:01:10,167 --> 00:01:11,597 [crying] 31 00:01:11,633 --> 00:01:14,673 - SHUT UP. YOU SOUND LIKE YOUR MOTHER. 32 00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:16,530 [laughter] 33 00:01:16,567 --> 00:01:18,667 IS THERE ANY SWEETER SOUND 34 00:01:18,700 --> 00:01:21,070 THAN THE BLOODCURDLING SCREAM OF A CHILD? 35 00:01:21,067 --> 00:01:23,497 I WONDER IF LANCE HAS A BRACELET FOR THIS. 36 00:01:23,533 --> 00:01:26,673 [laughter] 37 00:01:26,700 --> 00:01:28,930 RIDING OFF A TRUCK DOESN'T SEEM THAT HARD, 38 00:01:28,967 --> 00:01:30,667 BUT I DECIDED TO TEST IT MYSELF 39 00:01:30,700 --> 00:01:33,530 WITH THE HELP OF MY CHILDHOOD HERO, 40 00:01:33,567 --> 00:01:35,767 THE STAR OF THE MOVIE RAD, 41 00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:39,970 THE 1986 BMX CULT CLASSIC, CRU JONES HIMSELF, 42 00:01:40,067 --> 00:01:41,427 MR. BILL ALLEN. 43 00:01:41,467 --> 00:01:43,667 AND YES, WE ARE RECREATING A SCENE 44 00:01:43,700 --> 00:01:46,070 FROM THE MOVIE, WORD FOR WORD. 45 00:01:46,067 --> 00:01:47,897 - IF YOU LEAD WITH YOUR HEAD, 46 00:01:47,933 --> 00:01:49,673 YOUR BODY WILL JUST FOLLOW NATURALLY. 47 00:01:49,700 --> 00:01:50,670 - REALLY? 48 00:01:50,700 --> 00:01:51,800 - BESIDES, IF YOU DO MAKE IT 49 00:01:51,833 --> 00:01:53,403 AND THOSE MATTRESSES ARE THERE, 50 00:01:53,433 --> 00:01:55,073 YOU'RE JUST GONNA WIPE OUT ANYWAY. 51 00:01:55,100 --> 00:01:56,100 - WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS? 52 00:01:56,133 --> 00:01:58,403 - NO GUTS, NO GLORY. 53 00:01:58,433 --> 00:01:59,573 - [exhales] 54 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:01,970 LUKE, TAKE THE MATTRESSES OUT. 55 00:02:02,067 --> 00:02:03,867 - IT'S YOUR BUTT, PAL. 56 00:02:03,900 --> 00:02:05,130 - WHAT'S LEFT OF IT. 57 00:02:05,167 --> 00:02:11,297 ['80s upbeat music] 58 00:02:12,667 --> 00:02:14,727 - THIS IS STUPID. 59 00:02:14,767 --> 00:02:16,867 [applause] 60 00:02:16,900 --> 00:02:20,070 - AND THAT WAS THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE. 61 00:02:20,067 --> 00:02:21,397 [laughter] 62 00:02:21,433 --> 00:02:23,673 IF YOU'D LIKE TO SEE MORE OF MR. BILL ALLEN, 63 00:02:23,700 --> 00:02:25,070 DON'T WORRY, YOU WILL. 64 00:02:25,067 --> 00:02:27,797 AS LONG AS I HAVE A TV SHOW, CRU JONES HAS A HOME. 65 00:02:27,833 --> 00:02:29,573 [laughter] 66 00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:31,570 I LOVE YOU, CRU. 67 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:33,730 I SWEAR, LIKE, IF HE WAS HANGING FROM A CLIFF 68 00:02:33,767 --> 00:02:35,327 AND I WAS HOLDING HIM WITH ONE ARM 69 00:02:35,367 --> 00:02:37,297 AND I WAS HOLDING MY GIRLFRIEND WITH THE OTHER 70 00:02:37,333 --> 00:02:39,873 AND I HAD ENOUGH STRENGTH TO SAVE THEM BOTH, 71 00:02:39,900 --> 00:02:42,230 I WOULD LET GO OF MY GIRLFRIEND 72 00:02:42,267 --> 00:02:43,897 JUST SO I COULD MAKE SURE 73 00:02:43,933 --> 00:02:46,133 THAT I REALLY HAD A GOOD GRIP ON BILL. 74 00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:47,227 [laughter] 75 00:02:47,267 --> 00:02:49,167 THIS CALLS FOR SOME MUSIC. 76 00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:51,270 - I'M GONNA SING FIVE OCTAVES ON THE PIANO. 77 00:02:51,300 --> 00:02:52,630 - HE'S SELF-TAUGHT. 78 00:02:52,667 --> 00:02:53,627 [single note on piano] 79 00:02:53,667 --> 00:02:55,067 - [sings low note off-key] 80 00:02:55,067 --> 00:02:56,067 [single note on piano] 81 00:02:56,067 --> 00:02:57,527 [sings low note off-key] 82 00:02:57,567 --> 00:02:59,727 - HE'S OFF TO A BAD START. IT CAN ONLY GET BETTER. 83 00:02:59,767 --> 00:03:00,797 [single note on piano] 84 00:03:00,833 --> 00:03:01,803 - [sings higher note off-key] 85 00:03:01,833 --> 00:03:02,803 - I WAS WRONG. 86 00:03:02,833 --> 00:03:03,873 - [sings higher note off-key] 87 00:03:03,900 --> 00:03:05,170 - I THINK HE'S HAVING A STROKE. 88 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:06,300 - [sings high note off-key] 89 00:03:06,333 --> 00:03:07,333 [single note on piano] 90 00:03:07,367 --> 00:03:08,327 [sings high note off-key] 91 00:03:08,367 --> 00:03:09,327 - NAILED IT. 92 00:03:09,367 --> 00:03:11,927 - [sings high note off-key] 93 00:03:11,967 --> 00:03:15,197 - [imitates his high note] 94 00:03:15,233 --> 00:03:16,673 [laughter] 95 00:03:16,700 --> 00:03:19,300 AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT'S GUESSING THE PIANO'S OUT OF KEY? 96 00:03:19,333 --> 00:03:20,473 [laughter] 97 00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:22,870 BECAUSE HE SOUNDS LIKE AN ANGEL. 98 00:03:22,900 --> 00:03:25,670 LIKE A YOUNG CHARLOTTE CHURCH. 99 00:03:25,700 --> 00:03:29,130 A YOUNG CHARLOTTE CHURCH WITH HUGE, HAIRY BALLS. 100 00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:30,697 [laughter] 101 00:03:30,733 --> 00:03:31,833 [sighs] 102 00:03:31,867 --> 00:03:33,097 I THINK IT'S TIME 103 00:03:33,133 --> 00:03:35,773 WE BRING A LITTLE INTERNATIONAL FLAVOR TO THE SHOW. 104 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:37,570 [wind blowing] 105 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:41,630 [laughter] 106 00:03:41,667 --> 00:03:43,927 - YEAH, IT'S THE LIGHTER SIDE OF TERRORISM. 107 00:03:43,967 --> 00:03:46,197 [laughter] 108 00:03:46,233 --> 00:03:47,473 OKAY, I HAVE TO SAY THIS. 109 00:03:47,500 --> 00:03:49,300 DO NOT DO THIS AT HOME. 110 00:03:49,333 --> 00:03:51,873 THEY ARE CLEARLY PROFESSIONALS 111 00:03:51,900 --> 00:03:53,600 AND THEY ARE DOING THIS FOR A MOVIE 112 00:03:53,633 --> 00:03:56,233 AND IT'S CLEARLY DONE ON A CLOSED COURSE. 113 00:03:56,267 --> 00:03:58,767 [laughter] 114 00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:00,800 ALL RIGHT, NOW THAT WE TOOK CARE OF THAT, 115 00:04:00,833 --> 00:04:02,603 PLEASE SEND US YOUR VIDEOS. 116 00:04:02,633 --> 00:04:05,233 NO, I'M--[laughs] THAT'S A JOKE. DON'T. 117 00:04:05,267 --> 00:04:06,827 [laughter] 118 00:04:06,867 --> 00:04:07,867 ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE 119 00:04:07,900 --> 00:04:10,170 HOW MANY FUNNY/SLIGHTLY RACIST COMMENTS 120 00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:12,270 WE CAN POST IN 20 SECONDS. 121 00:04:12,300 --> 00:04:13,400 [exhales] 122 00:04:13,433 --> 00:04:14,873 HOW MUCH OIL DO THEY HAVE? 123 00:04:14,900 --> 00:04:16,130 [laughter] 124 00:04:16,167 --> 00:04:18,327 I ALWAYS THOUGHT THEY USED MAGIC CARPETS. 125 00:04:18,367 --> 00:04:20,097 [laughter] 126 00:04:20,133 --> 00:04:21,973 THEY'RE GETTING MORE CREATIVE WITH THEIR SUICIDES. 127 00:04:22,067 --> 00:04:23,397 [laughter] 128 00:04:23,433 --> 00:04:26,703 IT'S LIKE A TEAM-BUILDING EXERCISE FOR OPEC. 129 00:04:26,733 --> 00:04:29,833 TRUST ME, IF YOU ATE FALAFEL AND FLATBREAD EVERY DAY, 130 00:04:29,867 --> 00:04:32,497 YOU'D TAKE MORE CHANCES TOO. 131 00:04:32,533 --> 00:04:35,533 SAY WHAT YOU WILL, THIS [bleep] NEVER HAPPENED UNDER SADDAM. 132 00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:37,227 [laughter] 133 00:04:37,267 --> 00:04:39,427 DO YOU MISS SADDAM? I DON'T. 134 00:04:39,467 --> 00:04:41,067 I THINK WE DID THE RIGHT THING, 135 00:04:41,100 --> 00:04:43,100 BUT I THINK INVADING ORIGINALLY WAS PROBABLY-- 136 00:04:43,133 --> 00:04:44,733 NEVER MIND. 137 00:04:44,767 --> 00:04:47,527 THIS ISN'T THE PLACE. 138 00:04:47,567 --> 00:04:48,767 HOW DO YOU KNOW 139 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:51,200 A MUSCULAR POLISH CHICK HAS BEEN IN YOUR KITCHEN? 140 00:04:51,233 --> 00:04:52,773 THIS MAKES ME HARD. 141 00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:55,700 I MEAN, THAT LOOKS HARD. 142 00:04:55,733 --> 00:04:57,403 [laughter] 143 00:04:57,433 --> 00:05:00,633 DON'T ASK FOR THE DEEP-TISSUE HAND [bleep]. 144 00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:04,067 [laughter] 145 00:05:04,100 --> 00:05:05,700 OH. 146 00:05:05,733 --> 00:05:08,703 [laughter] 147 00:05:08,733 --> 00:05:09,833 - TA-DAH! 148 00:05:09,867 --> 00:05:11,127 [laughter] 149 00:05:11,167 --> 00:05:12,567 - ALL RIGHT, GREAT. NOW UNROLL IT. 150 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:14,770 I'M [bleep] STARVING. 151 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:16,900 [laughs] 152 00:05:16,933 --> 00:05:18,933 SPEAKING OF FOREIGN COUNTRIES, 153 00:05:18,967 --> 00:05:21,227 LET'S HEAD TO THE UNIVERSITY OF GEORGIA. 154 00:05:21,267 --> 00:05:23,197 - THIS IS THE DOGS! 155 00:05:23,233 --> 00:05:25,273 THIS IS STANFORD, BABY! 156 00:05:25,300 --> 00:05:28,070 THIS IS HOW WE DO IT FOR THE DOGS! 157 00:05:28,067 --> 00:05:32,367 IT REALLY SHINES WHEN THE WHITE IS ON THE FACE! 158 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:38,070 SPURRIER, YOU THINK VISORS ARE COOL? 159 00:05:38,100 --> 00:05:40,530 [laughter] 160 00:05:40,567 --> 00:05:42,227 - AAH. 161 00:05:42,267 --> 00:05:44,327 IF ANYONE KNOWS COOL, 162 00:05:44,367 --> 00:05:45,897 IT'S THIS SERIAL-KILLER-IN-TRAINING 163 00:05:45,933 --> 00:05:47,833 RIGHT HERE. 164 00:05:47,867 --> 00:05:50,567 LET'S ALL AGREE NOT TO LOOK BEHIND HIS DORM ROOM WALLS. 165 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:53,430 [laughter] 166 00:05:53,467 --> 00:05:56,797 [laughs] ALL RIGHT. 167 00:05:56,833 --> 00:05:58,333 I'D LISTEN TO HIM, BECAUSE I SAW HIM 168 00:05:58,367 --> 00:06:01,727 BRING A DEAD DEER BACK TO LIFE. 169 00:06:01,767 --> 00:06:04,227 I'M TELLING YOU, WE SHOULD KILL ALL THE REDHEADS. 170 00:06:04,267 --> 00:06:06,597 THEY ARE A DANGEROUS BREED. 171 00:06:06,633 --> 00:06:08,303 ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH OF THESE CREEPY VIDEOS. 172 00:06:08,333 --> 00:06:10,233 I WANT TO WATCH CHILDREN. 173 00:06:10,267 --> 00:06:11,297 [audience aws] 174 00:06:11,333 --> 00:06:14,803 - [chattering indistinctly] 175 00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:19,933 [audience ohs] 176 00:06:19,967 --> 00:06:23,667 - OH, OH, OH! YOU WERE SO CLOSE TO THE BORDER. 177 00:06:23,700 --> 00:06:25,700 [laughter] 178 00:06:25,733 --> 00:06:27,133 THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR DRIVING 179 00:06:27,167 --> 00:06:30,097 A GAS-GUZZLING SUV, YOU PRICK. 180 00:06:30,133 --> 00:06:31,473 ALL RIGHT, LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK 181 00:06:31,500 --> 00:06:33,670 AND ASSESS THE DAMAGE IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN. 182 00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:39,730 [cheers and applause] 183 00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:42,927 - THIS FAMILY HAS THE WORST LAWN ON THE BLOCK. 184 00:06:42,967 --> 00:06:45,827 DAD CLEARLY ISN'T BRINGING HIS WORK HOME WITH HIM. 185 00:06:45,867 --> 00:06:48,067 [laughter] 186 00:06:48,100 --> 00:06:50,330 THE MOST SURPRISING PART OF THIS VIDEO 187 00:06:50,367 --> 00:06:52,227 IS THAT THE WHOLE VILLAGE OF SANTA POCO 188 00:06:52,267 --> 00:06:54,727 WASN'T IN THE CAR WITH HIM. 189 00:06:54,767 --> 00:06:57,067 NOTICE HIS SISTER SHOVING HIM. 190 00:06:57,067 --> 00:06:59,627 THAT'S JUST PROOF THAT 100% OF CAR ACCIDENTS 191 00:06:59,667 --> 00:07:01,397 ARE CAUSED BY WOMEN. 192 00:07:01,433 --> 00:07:03,833 [laughter] 193 00:07:03,867 --> 00:07:06,927 WHO'D HAVE GUESSED THEY'D HAVE TO PUSH-START THEIR TOYS? 194 00:07:06,967 --> 00:07:10,067 WATCH ENRIQUE REALIZE HIS BRAKES HAVE BEEN CUT. 195 00:07:10,067 --> 00:07:13,367 HE PANICS, TRIES TO STOP THE CAR FLINTSTONE-STYLE, 196 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:15,270 BUT HE'S PAST THE POINT OF NO RETURN. 197 00:07:15,300 --> 00:07:16,800 NOW ALL HE CAN DO IS HOLD ON 198 00:07:16,833 --> 00:07:19,703 AND KEEP HER POINTING DOWNHILL. 199 00:07:19,733 --> 00:07:22,303 OH! EITHER HIS ALIGNMENT IS OFF 200 00:07:22,333 --> 00:07:26,073 OR THAT'S THE SIDE OF THE CAR HE STASHED THE COCAINE ON. 201 00:07:26,100 --> 00:07:29,700 EITHER WAY, POWER WHEELS CAN'T HANDLE TURNS 202 00:07:29,733 --> 00:07:31,073 AT THAT HIGH SPEED. 203 00:07:31,067 --> 00:07:34,067 EVERYONE KNOWS THOSE JEEPS ARE DANGEROUSLY TOP-HEAVY. 204 00:07:34,067 --> 00:07:37,167 MAYBE HE'LL STRAIGHTEN IT OUT. 205 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:39,470 NOT A CHANCE. 206 00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:42,430 HE FAILS TO PULL OFF THE TOKYO DRIFT. 207 00:07:42,467 --> 00:07:44,067 YOU GOTTA TURN INTO THE SKID. 208 00:07:44,100 --> 00:07:45,800 COME ON! 209 00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:48,473 OH, MAN, SOMEONE'S GONNA NEED A SIESTA. 210 00:07:48,500 --> 00:07:50,070 [laughter] 211 00:07:50,067 --> 00:07:51,397 I JUST HOPE NOBODY WAS HURT, 212 00:07:51,433 --> 00:07:53,503 BECAUSE YOU KNOW HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY INSURANCE. 213 00:07:53,533 --> 00:07:54,773 [audience groans] 214 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:56,400 BECAUSE HE'S A CHILD. 215 00:07:56,433 --> 00:07:58,073 [laughter] 216 00:07:58,067 --> 00:08:00,397 AND HERE'S A LESSON FOR ALL YOU KIDS OUT THERE. 217 00:08:00,433 --> 00:08:03,373 WEAR A HELMET, EVEN THOUGH IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A DORK. 218 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,330 AND I KNOW YOU'RE LIKE, "COOL KIDS DON'T WEAR 'EM." 219 00:08:05,367 --> 00:08:07,097 THAT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT CLUMSY. 220 00:08:07,133 --> 00:08:08,473 [laughter] 221 00:08:08,500 --> 00:08:10,400 I'M JUST GLAD HIS MOM DID THE RIGHT THING 222 00:08:10,433 --> 00:08:11,603 AND KEPT THE CAMERA ROLLING, 223 00:08:11,633 --> 00:08:13,633 AND FOR THAT, WE SAY GRACIAS. 224 00:08:13,667 --> 00:08:14,627 [laughter] 225 00:08:14,667 --> 00:08:17,327 [applause] 226 00:08:17,367 --> 00:08:18,597 COMING UP, 227 00:08:18,633 --> 00:08:20,873 WE GIVE THE CRYING GIANTS FAN A WEB REDEMPTION, 228 00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:23,800 BUT FIRST, HERE'S YOUR CRAIGSLIST POST OF THE WEEK. 229 00:08:48,100 --> 00:08:49,370 [laughter] 230 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:51,200 [applause] 231 00:08:54,933 --> 00:08:56,103 IN THE NFL, 232 00:08:56,133 --> 00:08:58,103 AND WE [bleep] DIDN'T PROVE IT THAT DAY, 233 00:08:58,133 --> 00:09:00,673 AND NOW WE'RE OUT OF IT COMPLETELY. 234 00:09:00,700 --> 00:09:02,400 I WANTED ANOTHER SUPER BOWL TROPHY. 235 00:09:02,433 --> 00:09:04,103 WE'RE NOT GONNA GET IT THIS YEAR, 236 00:09:04,133 --> 00:09:05,873 EVEN THOUGH WE DESERVED IT. 237 00:09:05,900 --> 00:09:07,730 THIS TEAM IS MY LIFE! 238 00:09:07,767 --> 00:09:09,327 THIS TEAM IS WHY I LIVE! 239 00:09:09,367 --> 00:09:10,467 - [bleep] YOU! 240 00:09:10,500 --> 00:09:13,100 I GET THE [bleep]! [bleep]! 241 00:09:13,133 --> 00:09:14,373 - [bleep]. 242 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:17,230 - SHUT THE [bleep] UP, YOU MOTHER[bleep]! 243 00:09:17,267 --> 00:09:18,797 IT'S A [bleep] GAME! 244 00:09:18,833 --> 00:09:20,273 [bleep]! 245 00:09:20,300 --> 00:09:21,900 [laughter] 246 00:09:21,933 --> 00:09:23,633 - YOU THINK HE BANGED THOSE CHICKS? 247 00:09:23,667 --> 00:09:25,367 [laughter] 248 00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:27,070 HEY, PLAXICO BURRESS DIDN'T EVEN CRY, 249 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:28,597 AND HE SHOT HIMSELF. 250 00:09:28,633 --> 00:09:30,073 SUPPOSEDLY HE'S UPSET 251 00:09:30,067 --> 00:09:32,527 BECAUSE THE NEW YORK GIANTS LOST IN THE PLAYOFFS LAST YEAR, 252 00:09:32,567 --> 00:09:34,327 BUT I'M GONNA GIVE HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT 253 00:09:34,367 --> 00:09:38,167 AND HOPE THAT HE JUST FOUND OUT THAT HE HAS MAN-BOOB CANCER. 254 00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:39,930 THE LAST TIME I CRIED OVER FOOTBALL 255 00:09:39,967 --> 00:09:41,367 IS WHEN TOM BRADY GOT HURT, 256 00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:42,800 AND THOSE WERE TEARS OF JOY. 257 00:09:42,833 --> 00:09:44,833 HA HA HA, YOUR COACH IS A CHEATER, 258 00:09:44,867 --> 00:09:48,327 YOUR RINGS ARE A LIE, YOU BACKUP FROM MICHIGAN. 259 00:09:48,367 --> 00:09:50,597 YEAH, I SAID IT. 260 00:09:50,633 --> 00:09:53,333 I'M A DOLPHINS FAN, AND EVERY TIME WE LOSE, 261 00:09:53,367 --> 00:09:55,597 WHICH IS A LOT, THANKS TO THE WILDCAT... 262 00:09:55,633 --> 00:09:56,973 [laughter] 263 00:09:57,067 --> 00:09:58,227 I DON'T CRY. 264 00:09:58,267 --> 00:09:59,997 I SAVE MY TEARS FOR IMPORTANT THINGS, 265 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:00,070 I SAVE MY TEARS FOR IMPORTANT THINGS, LIKE WHEN I GET A STAIN ON MY CARDIGAN. 266 00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:01,897 LIKE WHEN I GET A STAIN ON MY CARDIGAN. 267 00:10:01,933 --> 00:10:03,573 [laughter] 268 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:06,570 FOOTBALL IS THE MANLIEST PROFESSION IN THE WORLD, 269 00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:08,730 EXCEPT FOR BOXING, RUGBY, BULLFIGHTING, 270 00:10:08,767 --> 00:10:10,297 MILITARY SERVICE, ARM WRESTLING, 271 00:10:10,333 --> 00:10:12,533 ICE ROAD TRUCKING, LAW ENFORCEMENT, 272 00:10:12,567 --> 00:10:14,267 FIREFIGHTING, COMPETITIVE EATING, 273 00:10:14,300 --> 00:10:18,130 NINJAS, OR BEING THE LEAD SINGER OF THE GOO GOO DOLLS. 274 00:10:18,167 --> 00:10:20,567 LOOK, YOU'RE NOT A LOSER BECAUSE YOU DRESS UP 275 00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:22,330 IN SHOULDER PADS WITH SPIKES ON THEM. 276 00:10:22,367 --> 00:10:24,697 YOU'RE A LOSER BECAUSE YOU LIKE THE RAIDERS. 277 00:10:24,733 --> 00:10:26,273 [laughter] 278 00:10:26,300 --> 00:10:29,030 TEAMS NEED REAL FANS WHO WILL PAY FOR SEASON TICKETS, 279 00:10:29,067 --> 00:10:31,267 YELL THEIR DRUNKEN ASSES OFF DURING THE GAME 280 00:10:31,300 --> 00:10:33,470 TO GET A COUPLE CHEAP FALSE START PENALTIES. 281 00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:35,300 JUST WATCH THE GAME LIKE A GROWN-UP. 282 00:10:35,333 --> 00:10:37,573 CRYING GIANTS FAN'S ONLY REAL CRIME 283 00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:38,970 WAS THAT HE CARED TOO MUCH, 284 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,030 SO WE DECIDED TO GIVE HIM A SHOULDER TO CRY ON 285 00:10:41,067 --> 00:10:43,367 WITH THE HOPES THAT HE'D LEARN TO NUT UP OR SHUT UP 286 00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:45,230 IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION. 287 00:10:45,267 --> 00:10:48,567 [applause] 288 00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:49,730 HAVE A SEAT. - THANK YOU, SIR. 289 00:10:49,767 --> 00:10:51,067 - OH, I'M GLAD YOU COULD COME OVER. 290 00:10:51,100 --> 00:10:52,770 - NO PROBLEM. - IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU. 291 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:54,170 HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN A GIANTS FAN? 292 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:56,130 - I'VE BEEN A GIANTS FAN MY ENTIRE LIFE. 293 00:10:56,167 --> 00:11:00,227 - [bleep] MERRICK HILL, LAWRENCE TAYLOR, 294 00:11:00,267 --> 00:11:04,327 ELI MANNING, THE DALLAS COWBOY CHEERLEADERS. 295 00:11:04,367 --> 00:11:07,227 - OH. YOU'RE KILLING ME HERE. 296 00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:10,327 - [laughs] - NO. LET'S GO. 297 00:11:10,367 --> 00:11:12,667 YOU SEE, MY DIGNITY MEANS NOTHING 298 00:11:12,700 --> 00:11:14,670 WHEN IT COMES TO THE GIANTS, SO I'M GONNA SAY 299 00:11:14,700 --> 00:11:16,200 KILL THE CHEERLEADERS. - YES! 300 00:11:16,233 --> 00:11:19,833 - MARRY ELI MANNING, AND [bleep] LAWRENCE TAYLOR. 301 00:11:19,867 --> 00:11:22,467 - YOU'RE A FAN. YOU'RE A TRUE FAN. 302 00:11:22,500 --> 00:11:24,170 THAT'S THE ONLY ANSWER. 303 00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:27,200 HOW LONG AFTER THE GAME WAS THIS VIDEO SHOT? 304 00:11:27,233 --> 00:11:30,803 - OH, BOY, THIS WAS A FULL NIGHT AFTERWARDS. 305 00:11:30,833 --> 00:11:33,103 - THIS WAS THE NEXT DAY? - THE NEXT NIGHT. 306 00:11:33,133 --> 00:11:34,733 - OH, THAT IS CRAZY. - YEAH. 307 00:11:34,767 --> 00:11:37,567 - SEE, I WAS HOPING THIS WAS MINUTES AFTER THE GAME WAS OVER. 308 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:38,930 - NO, I HAD TO DRIVE FROM THE BRONX, 309 00:11:38,967 --> 00:11:42,067 FIVE HOURS UPSTATE, GET TO MY FRIEND'S HOUSE-- 310 00:11:42,067 --> 00:11:43,467 - TO BREAK DOWN. 311 00:11:43,500 --> 00:11:46,400 WOULD YOU RATHER GO UNDEFEATED THIS YEAR 312 00:11:46,433 --> 00:11:49,773 AND WIN THE SUPER BOWL OR CATCH OSAMA BIN LADEN? 313 00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,470 - WHAT, ME PERSONALLY CATCH HIM? 314 00:11:51,500 --> 00:11:52,600 - NO. - OH. UM... 315 00:11:52,633 --> 00:11:54,073 - OSAMA GETS CAUGHT. 316 00:11:54,100 --> 00:11:55,330 - UNDEFEATED AT THE SUPER BOWL. 317 00:11:55,367 --> 00:11:56,967 WITHOUT A DOUBT. 318 00:11:57,067 --> 00:11:58,467 - WE'LL CATCH OSAMA NEXT YEAR? 319 00:11:58,500 --> 00:11:59,600 - YEAH, WE'LL GET HIM NEXT YEAR. 320 00:11:59,633 --> 00:12:01,473 - OUR GOAL TODAY, THOUGH, 321 00:12:01,500 --> 00:12:04,900 IS TO PREPARE YOU FOR A PRESS CONFERENCE. 322 00:12:04,933 --> 00:12:05,903 - OKAY. 323 00:12:05,933 --> 00:12:07,073 - BEFORE WE, UH, 324 00:12:07,067 --> 00:12:09,127 GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF. 325 00:12:09,167 --> 00:12:10,527 I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO SOME PEOPLE, 326 00:12:10,567 --> 00:12:12,527 GIVE YOU SOME PROPER PERSPECTIVE. 327 00:12:12,567 --> 00:12:15,067 - SOUNDS GOOD. - BRIAN, COME ON IN HERE. 328 00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:16,227 BRIAN, ROBERT. 329 00:12:16,267 --> 00:12:18,727 - NICE TO MEET YOU. - NICE TO MEET YOU, MAN. 330 00:12:18,767 --> 00:12:21,827 - HOW MANY, UH, HOW MANY WINS YOU GET LAST SEASON? 331 00:12:21,867 --> 00:12:24,067 WE HAD ZERO. WE HAD ZERO. 332 00:12:24,067 --> 00:12:26,067 YOU GUYS--YOU GUYS ARE IN THE PLAYOFFS? 333 00:12:26,067 --> 00:12:27,567 - YEAH. - YEAH, WE HAD ZERO WINS. 334 00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:28,830 ZERO. 335 00:12:28,867 --> 00:12:31,627 WELL, YOU GUYS HAVE ANY SUPER BOWL WINS? 336 00:12:31,667 --> 00:12:33,427 - THREE. - YEAH, WE HAVE ZERO. 337 00:12:33,467 --> 00:12:36,067 ZERO. YEAH. - ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU. 338 00:12:36,067 --> 00:12:37,067 - THANK YOU. - GOOD JOB. 339 00:12:37,067 --> 00:12:38,067 - THANK YOU. 340 00:12:38,067 --> 00:12:40,067 - STOP CRYING, WUSSY. - I WILL. 341 00:12:41,500 --> 00:12:44,100 - SCOTT, WHY DON'T YOU TELL HIM WHAT YOU WENT THROUGH LAST YEAR? 342 00:12:44,133 --> 00:12:46,073 - YEAH, YEAH, I HAD A PRETTY BAD YEAR LAST YEAR ALSO. 343 00:12:46,067 --> 00:12:47,527 YOU KNOW, I HAD CANCER. 344 00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:50,067 - WOW. - YEAH. YEAH, SO... 345 00:12:50,100 --> 00:12:51,970 - ALL RIGHT, ROB, BEFORE WE GO OUT THERE, 346 00:12:52,067 --> 00:12:56,567 I THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE A REALLY GOOD VIDEO FOR YOU TO WATCH. 347 00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,770 - HEY, ROB, OTTIS ANDERSON HERE. 348 00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:01,230 WHEN YOU CRY, IT MAKES THE WHOLE TEAM LOOK BAD, 349 00:13:01,267 --> 00:13:04,467 SO STOP BEING SUCH A [bleep] AND MAN UP. 350 00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:05,970 - IT SEEMS LIKE GOOD ADVICE TO ME. 351 00:13:06,067 --> 00:13:07,067 - ME TOO. 352 00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:08,330 - OKAY, WE'RE GONNA GO OUT THERE. 353 00:13:08,367 --> 00:13:09,727 - OKAY. 354 00:13:09,767 --> 00:13:11,297 - THEY'RE GONNA BE ASKING A LOT OF TOUGH QUESTIONS. 355 00:13:11,333 --> 00:13:14,473 I WANT YOU TO BE RELAXED, I WANT YOU TO BE PASSIONATE, 356 00:13:14,500 --> 00:13:16,100 BUT I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE EMOTIONAL. 357 00:13:16,133 --> 00:13:17,733 - NO PROBLEM, NO PROBLEM. - YOU CAN DO THIS. 358 00:13:17,767 --> 00:13:20,067 THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW, ARE YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT? 359 00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:21,067 - LET'S GO. - LET'S DO THIS. 360 00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:22,070 - LET'S DO IT. 361 00:13:22,100 --> 00:13:23,600 [overlapping chatter] 362 00:13:23,633 --> 00:13:26,873 - HEY, ROB, I WAS WONDERING HOW YOU PLAN ON COMMEMORATING 363 00:13:26,900 --> 00:13:29,170 THE GIANTS CHOKING IN THE PLAYOFFS AGAIN THIS YEAR? 364 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:30,700 - NEXT QUESTION. 365 00:13:30,733 --> 00:13:33,333 - TECHNICALLY, THE PATRIOTS WERE A MUCH BETTER TEAM IN 2008, 366 00:13:33,367 --> 00:13:34,727 EVEN THOUGH THE GIANTS WON THE SUPER BOWL. 367 00:13:34,767 --> 00:13:36,067 HOW DO YOU RESPOND? 368 00:13:36,067 --> 00:13:37,067 - THAT'S A GREAT SPORTS QUESTION. 369 00:13:37,100 --> 00:13:38,730 CAN WE HAVE A MAN READ THAT 370 00:13:38,767 --> 00:13:40,497 SO WE CAN ACTUALLY TAKE IT SERIOUSLY? 371 00:13:40,533 --> 00:13:44,133 - YOU LOST TO THE EAGLES AT HOME. 372 00:13:44,167 --> 00:13:45,697 - THAT'S NOT EVEN A-- 373 00:13:45,733 --> 00:13:48,103 THAT'S NOT EVEN A QUESTION. 374 00:13:48,133 --> 00:13:53,133 - UH, IF TIKI AND RONDE BARBER ARE IDENTICAL TWINS, 375 00:13:53,167 --> 00:13:55,897 HOW COME TIKI'S THE ONLY ONE WHO SUCKS [bleep]? 376 00:13:55,933 --> 00:13:57,173 - WHAT TYPE OF WOOD 377 00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:58,670 DO YOU THINK TOM KAUFMAN'S TEETH ARE MADE FROM? 378 00:13:58,700 --> 00:13:59,830 - DO YOU WATCH GAMES AT HOME, ALONE, 379 00:13:59,867 --> 00:14:01,227 OR ALONE AT THE BAR? 380 00:14:01,267 --> 00:14:03,567 - DAVE AND MEGAN ALMOST RHYMES WITH [bleep]. 381 00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:05,930 - [bleep]! YOU ARE JUST A FAT, STUPID [bleep]! 382 00:14:05,967 --> 00:14:07,767 - CLASSICO, YOU [bleep] ASSICO. 383 00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:09,570 - NOW THAT GAMES ARE IN HD, IS IT EASIER TO MASTURBATE? 384 00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:11,430 - WHY CAN'T YOU GROW A REAL BEARD? 385 00:14:11,467 --> 00:14:13,767 - BILL SIMMS' KID IS A [bleep]! HAVE YOU SEEN HIM PLAY? 386 00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:14,900 - HOW BIG IS YOUR [bleep]? 387 00:14:14,933 --> 00:14:16,073 - IF YOU HAD ONE NIGHT WITH TOM COLLINS, 388 00:14:16,100 --> 00:14:17,430 SPIT OR SWALLOW? 389 00:14:17,467 --> 00:14:18,627 - TWO PART QUESTION. 390 00:14:18,667 --> 00:14:20,697 ELI MANNING SUCKS ASS AND GO [bleep] YOURSELF. 391 00:14:20,733 --> 00:14:21,903 GO [bleep] YOURSELF. 392 00:14:21,933 --> 00:14:24,433 [slow speed] GO [bleep] YOURSELF. 393 00:14:26,500 --> 00:14:28,500 - STOP THAT. [bleep] YOU, MAN. 394 00:14:28,533 --> 00:14:30,633 YES. FALSE. NO. YOU ARE. YES. NO. 395 00:14:30,667 --> 00:14:32,727 ABSOLUTELY. SWALLOW. YOU'RE A BITCH. 396 00:14:32,767 --> 00:14:34,427 I THINK IT'S FALSE. [bleep] YOU. NO COMMENT. 397 00:14:34,467 --> 00:14:35,427 I LIKE HIM. NEXT QUESTION. 398 00:14:35,467 --> 00:14:37,967 HONESTLY, [bleep] ALL YOU GUYS. 399 00:14:38,067 --> 00:14:39,267 - NO MORE QUESTIONS. 400 00:14:39,300 --> 00:14:41,300 MY CLIENT HAS PROVEN THAT HE'S NO LONGER A SISSY. 401 00:14:41,333 --> 00:14:44,903 WE'VE GOT A GAME TO GO TO. 402 00:14:44,933 --> 00:14:48,633 - GO, GIANTS! 403 00:14:48,667 --> 00:14:50,297 GIANTS! - LET'S GO, BABY! 404 00:14:50,333 --> 00:14:52,573 - GUESS WHAT WE'RE GRILLING TODAY? 405 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,730 SOME BALD EAGLES! 406 00:14:55,767 --> 00:14:58,427 THAT'S SOME GOOD BALD EAGLE! 407 00:14:58,467 --> 00:15:03,167 IT'S NOT DONE! RAW CHICKEN'S BAD FOR YOU! 408 00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:04,570 [laughter] 409 00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:06,970 AH. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, 410 00:15:07,067 --> 00:15:09,897 BUT FIRST, HERE'S YOUR TOSH.O PRANK OF THE WEEK. 411 00:15:09,933 --> 00:15:11,073 - I'M GONNA TEACH MY AUNT 412 00:15:11,067 --> 00:15:12,727 THAT SHE NEEDS TO START LOCKING HER DOOR. 413 00:15:12,767 --> 00:15:15,827 GOT YOUR BASIC JASON MASK RIGHT HERE. 414 00:15:15,867 --> 00:15:17,367 LET'S GO HAVE SOME FUN. 415 00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:21,070 [musical ringtone] 416 00:15:21,067 --> 00:15:22,067 - HELLO. 417 00:15:22,067 --> 00:15:23,797 [banging] 418 00:15:23,833 --> 00:15:25,533 - WHAT? NO! HEY! 419 00:15:25,567 --> 00:15:30,227 [screaming] 420 00:15:30,267 --> 00:15:31,727 HELP! 421 00:15:31,767 --> 00:15:33,267 [screaming] 422 00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:35,270 - [indistinct] 423 00:15:35,300 --> 00:15:37,200 - [screaming] 424 00:15:37,233 --> 00:15:38,333 - IT'S A MASK. 425 00:15:38,367 --> 00:15:40,067 - [screams] 426 00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:42,330 YOU ALMOST SCARED ME TO DEATH, DOUGLAS! 427 00:15:42,367 --> 00:15:43,627 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 428 00:15:43,667 --> 00:15:45,927 I'M GONNA TELL YOUR MOTHER ON YOU! 429 00:15:45,967 --> 00:15:47,127 [laughter] 430 00:15:47,167 --> 00:15:48,727 [applause] 431 00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:54,570 - AND NOW... 432 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:57,570 [rock music] 433 00:15:57,600 --> 00:16:05,670 * 434 00:16:09,067 --> 00:16:11,427 - HEY, GUYS. - [screaming] 435 00:16:14,500 --> 00:16:18,530 - OH, MY GOODNESS, STEREOTYPES ARE SO FUNNY. 436 00:16:18,567 --> 00:16:20,667 A LITTLE BEHIND-THE-SCENES INFO FOR YOU. 437 00:16:20,700 --> 00:16:22,430 UH, TO BECOME SKINHEADS FOR THAT VIDEO, 438 00:16:22,467 --> 00:16:25,327 I PERSONALLY SHAVED THE HEADS OF MY ENTIRE STAFF. 439 00:16:25,367 --> 00:16:27,067 I ENJOYED IT. 440 00:16:27,067 --> 00:16:29,627 - GO, GO! GO, GO! 441 00:16:29,667 --> 00:16:32,067 - FLASH MOBS ARE WHEN LARGE GROUPS OF PEOPLE 442 00:16:32,067 --> 00:16:34,567 ASSEMBLE IN A PUBLIC PLACE AND DO SOMETHING EMBARRASSING, 443 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:36,100 LIKE DANCE MC HAMMER. 444 00:16:36,133 --> 00:16:37,333 ALL RIGHT, STOP. 445 00:16:37,367 --> 00:16:38,327 - HAMMER TIME! 446 00:16:38,367 --> 00:16:43,067 [laughter] 447 00:16:43,067 --> 00:16:44,927 - I CAN REALLY DO IT. 448 00:16:44,967 --> 00:16:46,297 JUST DON'T PAN DOWN. 449 00:16:46,333 --> 00:16:48,873 UH, I THOUGHT I'D CREATE A FLASH MOB OF MY OWN 450 00:16:48,900 --> 00:16:50,100 IN HONOR OF DAVID LETTERMAN, 451 00:16:50,133 --> 00:16:51,903 SINCE HE'S BEEN IN THE NEWS SO MUCH LATELY. 452 00:16:51,933 --> 00:16:54,103 HE USED TO DO A BIT TO SEE HOW MANY PEOPLE 453 00:16:54,133 --> 00:16:56,273 IN SPIDER MAN SUITS HE COULD FIT INTO A JAMBA JUICE. 454 00:16:56,300 --> 00:17:04,130 SO WITH THAT IN MIND, LET'S SEE... 455 00:17:04,167 --> 00:17:06,797 GELATO IS MILK-BASED 456 00:17:06,833 --> 00:17:09,803 AND ICE CREAM IS A CUSTARD-BASED MIX 457 00:17:09,833 --> 00:17:13,233 BETWEEN CREAM AND EGG YOLKS. 458 00:17:13,267 --> 00:17:15,497 [laughter] 459 00:17:15,533 --> 00:17:16,673 I DON'T CARE IF THAT'S NOT FUNNY. 460 00:17:16,700 --> 00:17:17,930 THAT'S INTERESTING. 461 00:17:17,967 --> 00:17:20,867 UH, THAT GIRL SEEMED YOUNG. 462 00:17:20,900 --> 00:17:22,430 IS THAT SARAH PALIN'S DAUGHTER? 463 00:17:22,467 --> 00:17:23,597 [laughs] 464 00:17:23,633 --> 00:17:25,303 THE ONE THAT HAS CHILDREN ALREADY 465 00:17:25,333 --> 00:17:26,773 AND IS OF AGE? 466 00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:32,070 OH! THERE ARE SOME NBC PAGES WITH HUGE JACKETS ON. 467 00:17:32,067 --> 00:17:33,267 WHAT ELSE DO WE HAVE? 468 00:17:33,300 --> 00:17:34,370 OH, THERE'S A GIRL FROM DEAL OR NO DEAL, 469 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:36,870 THE GRUNGE EDITION. 470 00:17:36,900 --> 00:17:39,170 WHAT ELSE DO WE HAVE? OH, IS THAT GRINDER GIRL? 471 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:41,400 OH, I'M GLAD HE GAVE IT TO HER. 472 00:17:41,433 --> 00:17:42,473 [laughter] 473 00:17:42,500 --> 00:17:44,300 SHE ALWAYS LOOKS SLUTTY, YOU KNOW? 474 00:17:44,333 --> 00:17:46,173 IS THAT MY MOTHER? 475 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:47,530 [laughter] 476 00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,727 THAT IS WEIRD BECAUSE SHE ONLY WENT TO ONE TAPING, 477 00:17:49,767 --> 00:17:51,927 AND SHE TOLD ME SHE LOVED LENO. 478 00:17:51,967 --> 00:17:53,827 ALL RIGHT, 28. THAT'S NOT BAD. 479 00:17:53,867 --> 00:17:55,067 UH... 480 00:17:55,100 --> 00:17:57,070 [laughter] 481 00:17:57,067 --> 00:18:00,627 TOBY MAGUIRE? [laughs] 482 00:18:00,667 --> 00:18:03,067 I GUESS THAT'S A STEP UP FROM MAKING OUT WITH KIRSTEN DUNST. 483 00:18:03,067 --> 00:18:04,297 [audience ohs] 484 00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:07,303 I DON'T--I DON'T LIKE HER LITTLE TEETH. 485 00:18:07,333 --> 00:18:10,103 ALL RIGHT, SO THAT'S 28 WOMEN AND ONE SUPERHERO. 486 00:18:10,133 --> 00:18:11,533 THAT'S NOT THAT IMPRESSIVE. 487 00:18:11,567 --> 00:18:13,427 HE'S BEEN ON TELEVISION FOR OVER 30 YEARS. 488 00:18:13,467 --> 00:18:16,297 BILL ALLEN HAD SEX WITH OVER 30 PEOPLE BEFORE LUNCH. 489 00:18:16,333 --> 00:18:18,073 YEAH, THAT'S RAD. 490 00:18:18,067 --> 00:18:19,597 [laughter] 491 00:18:19,633 --> 00:18:21,333 AND I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S NOT EVERYONE 492 00:18:21,367 --> 00:18:22,597 DAVID LETTERMAN HAD SEX WITH, 493 00:18:22,633 --> 00:18:24,973 BECAUSE I DIDN'T SEE CRAIG FERGUSON IN THERE. 494 00:18:25,067 --> 00:18:26,697 YEAH, AND I'M POSITIVE 495 00:18:26,733 --> 00:18:28,403 HE HAD TO [bleep] SOMEBODY TO GET THAT JOB. 496 00:18:28,433 --> 00:18:31,503 [laughter] 497 00:18:31,533 --> 00:18:33,303 YOU DON'T HAVE TO SLEEP WITH ANYONE 498 00:18:33,333 --> 00:18:34,503 TO GET ON THIS SHOW. 499 00:18:34,533 --> 00:18:37,073 JUST GO TO COMEDYCENTRAL.COM/TOSH.O 500 00:18:37,100 --> 00:18:38,330 AND UPLOAD YOUR CLIP 501 00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:40,197 FOR A CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO OF THE WEEK. 502 00:18:40,233 --> 00:18:43,073 THIS WEEK'S WINNER IS MARK AND ANDY FROM FUNNY OR DIE. 503 00:18:43,100 --> 00:18:47,330 - MR. MATHESON, I KNOW THAT YOU ARE IN FINANCIAL TROUBLE. 504 00:18:47,367 --> 00:18:53,267 THIS BOX MAY BE THE ANSWER TO YOUR PROBLEM. 505 00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:57,730 IF YOU PUSH THIS BUTTON, TWO THINGS WILL HAPPEN. 506 00:18:57,767 --> 00:19:00,797 ONE, SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD, 507 00:19:00,833 --> 00:19:03,503 WHO YOU DON'T KNOW, WILL DIE. 508 00:19:03,533 --> 00:19:04,873 - OKAY. - AND TWO-- 509 00:19:04,900 --> 00:19:07,600 [laughter] 510 00:19:07,633 --> 00:19:10,333 - OH! OH! 511 00:19:10,367 --> 00:19:13,567 PLEASE BE CAMERON DIAZ. 512 00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:14,570 THANKS, GUYS. 513 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:15,930 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK 514 00:19:15,967 --> 00:19:17,897 WITH MORE LEWIS BLACK'S THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL. 515 00:19:17,933 --> 00:19:20,933 [applause] 516 00:19:26,900 --> 00:19:30,930 [applause] 517 00:19:30,967 --> 00:19:32,167 - WELCOME BACK. 518 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:33,730 I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU. 519 00:19:33,767 --> 00:19:35,327 [laughter] 520 00:19:35,367 --> 00:19:36,867 WHO'S THE CREEPY ONE NOW? 521 00:19:36,900 --> 00:19:39,070 UH, BE SURE TO TUNE IN NEXT WEEK 522 00:19:39,067 --> 00:19:41,967 WHEN WE GIVE THE NINTENDO 64 KID A WEB REDEMPTION. 523 00:19:42,067 --> 00:19:44,927 - NINTENDO 64! 524 00:19:44,967 --> 00:19:47,197 OH, MY GOD! 525 00:19:47,233 --> 00:19:49,103 - THANK YOU! 526 00:19:49,133 --> 00:19:52,103 - OH, MY GOD! 527 00:19:52,133 --> 00:19:55,103 - OH, IT'S GREAT TO KNOW SOMEBODY HAD A GOOD CHILDHOOD. 528 00:19:55,133 --> 00:19:57,973 [laughs] DAD, I LOVE YOU. 529 00:19:58,067 --> 00:19:59,727 [laughter] 530 00:19:59,767 --> 00:20:02,727 MESSAGE TO THE AMATEUR STRIPPERS WATCHING AT HOME, 531 00:20:02,767 --> 00:20:04,897 YOU DON'T JUST START OUT ON THE MAIN STAGE. 532 00:20:04,933 --> 00:20:07,273 JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN BUY A POLE FOR YOUR HOUSE 533 00:20:07,300 --> 00:20:09,900 DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD BE HANGING UPSIDE DOWN FROM IT. 534 00:20:09,933 --> 00:20:11,103 [rock music] 535 00:20:11,133 --> 00:20:12,303 [audience ohs] 536 00:20:12,333 --> 00:20:14,403 [laughter] 537 00:20:14,433 --> 00:20:15,773 * 538 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:16,830 [audience ohs] 539 00:20:16,867 --> 00:20:18,527 * 540 00:20:18,567 --> 00:20:20,097 [audience ohs] 541 00:20:20,133 --> 00:20:23,303 * 542 00:20:23,333 --> 00:20:24,303 [audience ohs] 543 00:20:24,333 --> 00:20:26,303 * 544 00:20:26,333 --> 00:20:28,033 [audience ohs] 545 00:20:28,067 --> 00:20:30,097 - OUCH! 546 00:20:30,133 --> 00:20:34,973 [both arguing] 547 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:36,600 - [laughs] WHORES. 548 00:20:36,633 --> 00:20:38,673 [laughter] 549 00:20:38,700 --> 00:20:40,200 HEY, REMEMBER TO FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER 550 00:20:40,233 --> 00:20:42,333 SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOW. 551 00:20:42,367 --> 00:20:43,597 THAT'S ALWAYS FUN. 552 00:20:43,633 --> 00:20:45,933 AND MAKE SURE YOU COME SEE ME DO STAND-UP LIVE, 553 00:20:45,967 --> 00:20:49,097 BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T, I WILL BLACK OUT TOSH.O 554 00:20:49,133 --> 00:20:50,103 IN YOUR LOCAL AREA. 555 00:20:50,133 --> 00:20:51,133 YEAH. 556 00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:52,727 THE NFL ISN'T THE ONLY ONE HURTING. 557 00:20:52,767 --> 00:20:54,427 UH, TUNE IN NEXT WEEK 558 00:20:54,467 --> 00:20:55,927 FOR OUR BIG HALLOWEEN SHOW. 559 00:20:55,967 --> 00:20:57,467 IT'S GONNA BE VERY SCARY. 560 00:20:57,500 --> 00:20:59,700 SEE YOU NEXT WEEK. GOOD NIGHT. 561 00:20:59,733 --> 00:21:02,773 [applause] 562 00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:05,800 Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com 563 00:21:12,933 --> 00:21:14,333 THAT STRAHAN WAS LET GO 564 00:21:14,367 --> 00:21:16,467 JUST BECAUSE ELI'S [bleep] KEPT GETTING STUCK IN HIS GAP? 565 00:21:16,500 --> 00:21:19,800 - [laughs] OH, WOW, THAT IS JUST-- 566 00:21:19,833 --> 00:21:21,733 - WHEN YOU'RE WATCHING A GAME ON SUNDAY 567 00:21:21,767 --> 00:21:24,667 AND YOU SEE ELI MANNING AND YOU IMAGINE, UH, 568 00:21:24,700 --> 00:21:26,070 THE SIZE AND SHAPE OF HIS PENIS, 569 00:21:26,100 --> 00:21:29,230 IN INCHES, HOW BIG DO YOU THINK IT REALLY IS? 570 00:21:29,267 --> 00:21:33,927 - TAKE YOURS AND MULTIPLY THAT BY TEN 571 00:21:33,967 --> 00:21:39,297 AND THEN ADD 200. 572 00:21:39,333 --> 00:21:41,373 - THAT IS, UH, THAT'S CLEARLY AN EXAGGERATION. 39644

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