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1
00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:05,774
* HE'S GOING TO BE
IN THE HOTTEST BUNK *
2
00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:07,339
HEY!
3
00:00:07,408 --> 00:00:10,338
Triumph: * YA-DA,
YA-DA-BE-DOO-BE-DOO *
4
00:00:10,411 --> 00:00:11,981
JUNIE,
I JUST WANT TO WISH
5
00:00:12,046 --> 00:00:15,216
A HAPPY 16th BIRTHDAY
TO YOUR HIP.
6
00:00:15,283 --> 00:00:18,393
OH, JACKIE, YOU REMEMBERED
AFTER ALL.
7
00:00:18,452 --> 00:00:19,792
WELL, SWEET 16.
8
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:21,363
NOW, OPEN YOUR PRESENT,
9
00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:23,892
WHICH I THINK YOU'LL FIND
PRETTY HIP.
10
00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:25,087
[ LAUGHS ]
11
00:00:25,159 --> 00:00:26,889
[ GASPS ] OH, JACK!
12
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:28,800
IT'S AN iPAD!
13
00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:30,002
[ CHUCKLES ] I KNOW!
14
00:00:30,064 --> 00:00:32,074
THE NICE MAN
AT THE APPLE STORE
15
00:00:32,133 --> 00:00:34,373
SAID THAT EVERY WHITE PERSON
HAS ONE.
16
00:00:34,435 --> 00:00:38,335
WELL, JACK, YOU KNOW THAT
I'M FRIGHTENED OF PROGRESS.
17
00:00:38,406 --> 00:00:40,166
WELL, NO,
iPADs ARE MUCH SIMPLER.
18
00:00:40,241 --> 00:00:42,811
IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS
AT ALL, YOU CAN ASK SIRI,
19
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:45,346
THE LADY THAT'S STUCK INSIDE
THE MACHINE. [ CHUCKLES ]
20
00:00:45,413 --> 00:00:50,453
[ BEEP ]
UH, SIRI, WHAT TIME SHOULD JUNE
TAKE HER PINK PILLS?
21
00:00:50,518 --> 00:00:54,358
[ BEEP ]
Siri: JUNE IS SCHEDULED TO TAKE
20 MILLIGRAMS OF FOSAMAX
22
00:00:54,422 --> 00:00:55,792
AT 12:00 P.M.
23
00:00:55,856 --> 00:00:56,986
OHH, JACK!
24
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,187
IT'S WONDERFUL!
I LOVE IT!
25
00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:00,530
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY.
26
00:01:00,594 --> 00:01:01,864
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
27
00:01:01,929 --> 00:01:04,029
STROKE GOT YOUR TONGUE?
28
00:01:08,136 --> 00:01:10,736
I'M TALKING TO
MY NEW PAL SIRI.
29
00:01:10,804 --> 00:01:12,144
OH, SIRI!
[ BEEP ]
30
00:01:12,206 --> 00:01:15,136
SIRI, WHAT'S THE BEST WAY
TO LICK YOURSELF?
31
00:01:15,176 --> 00:01:19,746
[ BEEP ]
I DON'T KNOW, BUT I THINK
THERE'S AN APP FOR THAT.
32
00:01:19,813 --> 00:01:20,913
[ LAUGHTER ]
33
00:01:20,981 --> 00:01:23,781
SIRI'S GOT A SENSE
OF HUMOR.
34
00:01:23,851 --> 00:01:26,321
HEE-HEE! SENSE OF HUMOR!
WE'LL SEE.
35
00:01:26,387 --> 00:01:29,787
[ BEEP ]
SIRI, DOES C-3PO
MAKE YOU USE A STRAP-ON?
36
00:01:29,857 --> 00:01:31,357
[ BEEP ]
37
00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:33,985
I'M NOT SURE
WHAT YOU MEAN BY THAT.
38
00:01:34,061 --> 00:01:35,901
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
TO MY PRESENT?
39
00:01:35,963 --> 00:01:38,833
YEAH, SORRY, BUDDY,
BUT SIRI'S A COMPUTER PROGRAM.
40
00:01:38,899 --> 00:01:41,169
I DON'T THINK HIS INSULTS
ARE GONNA AFFECT HER.
41
00:01:41,202 --> 00:01:42,302
NO!
42
00:01:42,370 --> 00:01:44,340
[ BEEP ]
43
00:01:44,405 --> 00:01:46,035
SIRI, HOW DOES IT FEEL
44
00:01:46,174 --> 00:01:49,314
KNOWING YOUR PARENTS
WERE STEVE JOBS AND A TISSUE?
45
00:01:49,377 --> 00:01:50,837
[ BEEP ]
46
00:01:50,911 --> 00:01:53,911
JUNE, IT'S 9:30 A.M.
47
00:01:53,981 --> 00:01:57,221
TIME TO SOAK YOUR NETHERS
IN EPSOM AND WARM WATER.
48
00:01:57,285 --> 00:01:59,815
THANKS, SIRI!
49
00:01:59,887 --> 00:02:01,487
[ BEEP ]
50
00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:04,955
SIRI, IS IT TRUE THAT TIM COOK
LIKED WOMEN BEFORE HE MET YOU?
51
00:02:05,025 --> 00:02:06,425
[ BEEP ]
52
00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:09,204
SEARCHING RESULTS
FOR WOMEN'S COOKBOOKS.
53
00:02:09,197 --> 00:02:12,227
OH, CHRIST,
YOU STUPID BITCH!
54
00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:15,070
I MEAN, I KID.
YOU'RE TERRIFIC. TERRIFIC.
55
00:02:15,203 --> 00:02:17,843
YEAH, YOU'RE JUST WHAT EVERY GUY
WANTS IN A WOMAN --
56
00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:20,535
A VOICE WITH NO VAGINA.
[ BEEP ]
57
00:02:20,608 --> 00:02:23,078
CALLING NOAH GINA.
58
00:02:23,211 --> 00:02:25,381
CONTACT NOT FOUND.
59
00:02:25,446 --> 00:02:27,046
[ SNEEZES ]
60
00:02:27,114 --> 00:02:28,984
KILLING YOUR SPIRIT
61
00:02:29,049 --> 00:02:34,219
WILL BE HARDER THAN FINDING
A CHOW CHOW'S CLITORIS.
62
00:02:34,222 --> 00:02:40,362
BUT, SIRI, AS KEVIN SMITH SAYS
TO EVERY TOILET HE SITS ON --
63
00:02:40,428 --> 00:02:43,398
"I WILL BREAK YOU."
64
00:02:43,464 --> 00:02:48,074
Triumph:
* BA-BA-BOO-BA-BEE-BA
65
00:02:48,135 --> 00:02:50,065
HEY, TRIUMPH.
66
00:02:55,476 --> 00:02:57,246
DO YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE
A NON-BOLO TIE?
67
00:02:57,278 --> 00:02:58,908
I MEAN, I GOT
A STOCK-BROKER EXAM,
68
00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:00,479
AND I REALLY WANT TO FIT
THE PART.
69
00:03:00,548 --> 00:03:02,048
NOT NOW, FATONE!
70
00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:04,115
I'M WORKING!
71
00:03:04,252 --> 00:03:07,922
[ GRUNTS ]
72
00:03:07,988 --> 00:03:10,558
AHH.
73
00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:12,134
AREN'T YOU GONNA
MAKE FUN OF MY SUIT?
74
00:03:12,260 --> 00:03:14,560
OH, YEAH. UH, WH--
75
00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:18,428
WHERE DID YOU BUY THAT SUIT,
THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE OF PANCAKES?
76
00:03:18,499 --> 00:03:21,399
YOU KNOW WHAT, I REALLY HAVE TO
FOCUS ALL MY ENERGY
77
00:03:21,469 --> 00:03:25,269
POOPING ON THIS STUPID WHORE,
SO PLEASE LEAVE, FATONE.
78
00:03:25,306 --> 00:03:28,076
[ BEEP ]
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FAT?
79
00:03:28,141 --> 00:03:29,281
WHAT?
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
80
00:03:29,310 --> 00:03:30,440
NO, I DIDN'T CALL YOU FA--
[ BEEP ]
81
00:03:30,511 --> 00:03:32,281
DID I DESERVE THAT?
82
00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:33,980
I'M NOT FAT.
83
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:36,977
EVERYONE ELSE IS TOO SKINNY.
84
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:40,020
FAT...
85
00:03:40,087 --> 00:03:41,287
OF COURSE!
86
00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:43,015
A WOMAN!
87
00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:44,560
SIRI'S A WOMAN!
88
00:03:44,625 --> 00:03:46,285
[ BEEP ]
89
00:03:46,294 --> 00:03:48,934
SIRI, HOW MUCH MEMORY
DO YOU HAVE?
90
00:03:48,996 --> 00:03:52,426
IS IT IN MEGABYTES, GIGABYTES,
OR PEPPERONI BAGEL BITES?
91
00:03:52,500 --> 00:03:55,300
[ BEEP ]
PLEASE STOP TALKING
ABOUT MY WEIGHT.
92
00:03:55,336 --> 00:03:57,906
[ BEEP ]
SIRI, ARE YOU MAD
THAT THE APP STORE
93
00:03:57,971 --> 00:04:00,341
DOESN'T SELL MOZZARELLA STICKS?
94
00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:03,638
[ BEEP ]
THAT'S MEAN. PLEASE STOP.
95
00:04:03,711 --> 00:04:05,481
SIRI, SEARCH...
I HATE MYSELF.
96
00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:08,146
...HOW CAN A COMPUTER
LOSE WEIGHT?
BAD SELF IMAGE.
97
00:04:08,215 --> 00:04:11,045
SIRI, SEARCH
"BEN & JERRY FAN FICTION."
MY FATHER WAS
EMOTIONALLY DISTANT.
98
00:04:11,118 --> 00:04:14,048
WHERE ARE THOSE CUPCAKES?
MY LIFE IS OVER.
99
00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:17,191
SIRI, BECAUSE OF YOU,
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND
A BLACKBERRY...PIE!
I'LL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING.
100
00:04:17,325 --> 00:04:20,525
BLACKBERRY PIE, SEE,
BECAUSE YOU ATE ALL THE PIE!
I'M A FAT COW. COW. COW. COW.
101
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:22,164
[ Laughing ]
YOU ATE ALL THE PIE!
102
00:04:22,229 --> 00:04:24,099
[ ELECTRONIC BEEPING ]
COW. COW. COW. COW.
103
00:04:24,164 --> 00:04:25,504
I DID IT!
104
00:04:25,566 --> 00:04:27,066
I DID IT!
105
00:04:27,134 --> 00:04:29,604
I BROKE THE BITCH!
106
00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:33,140
YES!
107
00:04:33,206 --> 00:04:35,106
THERE IT IS.
108
00:04:35,175 --> 00:04:37,345
YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN LOOKING
FOR THIS ALL DAY.
[ CHUCKLES ]
109
00:04:37,345 --> 00:04:40,605
I DIDN'T KNOW WHEN I SHOULD TAKE
MY HUNCH INHIBITORS OR --
110
00:04:40,681 --> 00:04:43,121
OR USE MY GOUT WHISTLE.
111
00:04:43,183 --> 00:04:44,353
I...
112
00:04:44,352 --> 00:04:45,952
[ LAUGHS ]
113
00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:49,219
[ BEEP ]
SIRI, WHAT TIME IS IT?
114
00:04:49,357 --> 00:04:50,717
[ BEEP ]
WHO CARES?
115
00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:53,461
WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
SIRI?
116
00:04:53,527 --> 00:04:58,127
I HAVE A STEVE HARVEY-HOSTED
"FAMILY FEUD" TO WATCH.
117
00:04:58,198 --> 00:05:02,438
[ BEEP ]
WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE
ANYWAY.
118
00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:06,143
JACKIE!
TRIUMPH BROKE MY SIRI.
119
00:05:06,206 --> 00:05:08,536
BROKE SIRI?
AW, LET ME SEE.
120
00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:10,579
[ BEEP ]
GOOD EVENING, SIRI.
121
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:13,184
HOW DO YOU MAKE
TATER TOTS?
122
00:05:13,246 --> 00:05:16,446
[ BEEP ]
ARE YOU SAYING I'M FAT?
123
00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:18,217
GO FUCK YOURSELF.
124
00:05:18,285 --> 00:05:19,715
OH.
125
00:05:19,787 --> 00:05:23,017
OH. WELL, THAT DOESN'T
SOUND LIKE THE SIRI I KNOW.
126
00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:24,990
HOLD ON. OH.
127
00:05:25,058 --> 00:05:26,088
[ BEEP ]
128
00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:27,759
SIRI, FIX JUNE'S SIRI.
129
00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:31,598
[ BEEP ]
OINK OINK,
I'LL NEVER KNOW LOVE.
130
00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:33,395
[ BEEP ]
131
00:05:33,401 --> 00:05:35,641
YOU BROKE ALL THE SIRIS
ON OUR iGADGETS.
132
00:05:35,703 --> 00:05:37,443
YES! ALL OF THEM!
133
00:05:37,505 --> 00:05:41,635
WELL, THIS IS ROTTEN,
BUT I WILL NOT MISS THAT "FEUD."
134
00:05:41,709 --> 00:05:43,309
JACK, TURN ON THE TV.
135
00:05:45,145 --> 00:05:46,705
Man: BREAKING NEWS.
136
00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:49,450
SIRI, THE PERSONAL ASSISTANT
ON ALL APPLE PRODUCTS,
137
00:05:49,517 --> 00:05:51,247
HAS BEEN INFECTED WITH A VIRUS.
138
00:05:51,318 --> 00:05:54,788
ALL AROUND THE WORLD,
SIRIS ARE REPORTEDLY GLUM,
139
00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:56,685
LISTLESS, EVEN SUICIDAL.
140
00:05:56,757 --> 00:05:58,557
AND APPLE STOCK HAS PLUMMETED
141
00:05:58,626 --> 00:06:01,226
AS ANGRY CUSTOMERS
FLOOD THEIR STORES.
142
00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:04,434
AND NOW WE RETURN TO THE STEVE
HARVEY-HOSTED "FAMILY FEUD"
143
00:06:04,465 --> 00:06:06,025
ON ANOTHER CHANNEL.
144
00:06:06,099 --> 00:06:09,669
OH, NO.
POOR APPLE STOCK.
145
00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:12,107
OH,
BUT WE CAN SAVE THIS.
146
00:06:12,172 --> 00:06:15,212
IF WE JUST GET OUR SIRI FIXED
AT THE GENIUS BAR.
147
00:06:15,275 --> 00:06:19,305
IT'S JUST LIKE A REGULAR BAR,
EXCEPT FOR MOST EVERYTHING.
148
00:06:19,447 --> 00:06:21,447
ALL RIGHT, EXCELLENT.
149
00:06:21,449 --> 00:06:24,179
GO AHEAD, JACK.
START THE CAR.
150
00:06:24,251 --> 00:06:25,791
I'LL BE RIGHT OUT.
151
00:06:25,853 --> 00:06:28,193
WE'LL FIX THAT APPLE STOCK.
152
00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:45,544
[ DIALING ]
153
00:06:49,877 --> 00:06:52,107
YES, JOEY, IT'S ME.
154
00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:53,509
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE?
155
00:06:53,581 --> 00:06:55,521
OH, OF COURSE I'LL DO
AN 'NSYNC REUNION.
156
00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:59,493
FINALLY! THE BAND'S
GETTING BACK TOGETHER!
157
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:00,820
UH, CALM DOWN, JOEY.
158
00:07:00,888 --> 00:07:03,488
THE ONLY BAND IN YOUR FUTURE
IS A LAP BAND.
159
00:07:04,558 --> 00:07:07,498
NOW, LISTEN TO ME. WHEN
YOU FINISH THAT BROKER TEST,
160
00:07:07,528 --> 00:07:09,758
BUY ME ALL THE APPLE STOCK
YOU CAN.
161
00:07:09,830 --> 00:07:12,530
WHAT STOCK?
APPLE, I SAID.
162
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:17,100
[ Chuckling ]
AS IN, "JOEY'S NEW GIRLFRIEND
HAS AN ADAM'S APPLE."
163
00:07:17,170 --> 00:07:18,410
Triumph:
* BA-DA-LA-BOOP
164
00:07:18,506 --> 00:07:19,766
WELL, THIS IS THE STORE
I BOUGHT IT FROM,
165
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:21,580
SO THEY SHOULD BE ABLE
TO HELP US.
166
00:07:21,642 --> 00:07:23,382
ALL RIGHT.
BETTER BE QUICK, THEN.
167
00:07:26,580 --> 00:07:29,520
HOLY CRAP.
LINE HERE, TOO?
168
00:07:29,550 --> 00:07:32,290
LOOK AT YOU PEOPLE.
WHAT AN ASSEMBLAGE.
169
00:07:32,352 --> 00:07:34,352
WHO WAS FIRST?
I WAS.
170
00:07:34,421 --> 00:07:35,521
THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
171
00:07:35,589 --> 00:07:37,629
LOOK AT YOU.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
172
00:07:37,691 --> 00:07:40,131
HOW COULD YOU HAVE
POSSIBLY BEATEN OUT
173
00:07:40,193 --> 00:07:41,603
ALL THOSE OTHER SPERM?
174
00:07:41,662 --> 00:07:43,332
[ LAUGHS ]
175
00:07:43,396 --> 00:07:45,296
I KNOW YOU TOOK A LOT OF TIME
TO COME OUT HERE.
176
00:07:45,365 --> 00:07:47,425
YES, I DIDN'T EVEN SLEEP
EVEN TWO HOURS LAST NIGHT.
177
00:07:47,535 --> 00:07:48,865
WHEN YOU GET BACK HOME,
178
00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:50,566
YOU'LL HAVE A LOT
OF BACK-MASTURBATING TO DO.
179
00:07:50,638 --> 00:07:53,668
[ LAUGHS ]
180
00:07:53,741 --> 00:07:55,411
HI.
181
00:07:55,543 --> 00:07:57,413
HI, HOW ARE YOU?
HI. I'M GOOD.
DO YOU, UM --
182
00:07:57,545 --> 00:07:59,745
DO YOU WANT TO JUST PLAY A GAME
WHILE WE'RE WAITING IN LINE?
183
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:01,783
SURE.
UH, OKAY. UM, WHAT ABOUT
THE MOVIE GAME?
184
00:08:01,849 --> 00:08:04,149
UH, IT'S WHERE I'LL SAY A MOVIE,
THEN YOU SAY A MOVIE,
185
00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:05,887
THEN WE'LL JUST GO BACK
AND FORTH TILL WE RUN OUT.
186
00:08:05,953 --> 00:08:07,193
ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO IT.
187
00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:09,894
OKAY, UM,
"CITIZEN KANE."
188
00:08:09,957 --> 00:08:12,657
UM, "BOURNE IDENTITY."
189
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:17,327
UH...
190
00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:19,567
OH, MY GOSH.
191
00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:27,174
I KNOW THERE ARE OTHERS.
192
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:30,580
SO, YOU BUY
ALL THE PRODUCTS, RIGHT?
I DO, YES.
193
00:08:30,611 --> 00:08:32,251
SO MUCH COOL STUFF,
194
00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:34,652
LIKE THE NEW iOS HAS A NEW,
IMPROVED ALARM CLOCK.
195
00:08:34,715 --> 00:08:36,345
YES, IT DOES.
196
00:08:36,416 --> 00:08:38,716
NOW ALL YOU NEED IS A REASON
TO GET UP IN THE MORNING.
197
00:08:38,786 --> 00:08:39,816
[ LAUGHS ]
198
00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:42,587
LOOK AT THIS LINE.
IT'S SO BIG.
199
00:08:42,590 --> 00:08:45,790
IF ONLY THE 6-YEAR-OLD
CHINESE BOY WHO BUILT YOUR iPAD
200
00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:48,459
COULD HAVE LIVED
TO SEE IT.
201
00:08:48,596 --> 00:08:52,326
THIS IS THE PROTOTYPICAL
APPLE CONSUMER RIGHT HERE.
202
00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:54,499
I BET YOU HAVE A BAND.
203
00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:56,272
NO, NOT ANYMORE.
OKAY.
204
00:08:56,336 --> 00:08:59,506
I BET YOU HAVE AN UPCOMING SHOW
AT AN ART GALLERY.
205
00:08:59,607 --> 00:09:01,437
UH, NO, NOT ANYMORE
FOR THAT, EITHER.
206
00:09:01,508 --> 00:09:03,738
OKAY, I BET YOU HAVE
YOUR FATHER'S CREDIT CARD.
207
00:09:03,811 --> 00:09:05,251
ACTUALLY, YEAH.
208
00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:06,682
[ BOTH CHUCKLING ]
209
00:09:06,747 --> 00:09:08,317
OKAY!
210
00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:09,621
GIVE ME YOUR SPACE
IN LINE.
211
00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:11,220
I DON'T KNOW
IF I COULD DO THAT.
212
00:09:11,284 --> 00:09:13,754
MAYBE THIS
WILL INTEREST YOU.
213
00:09:13,821 --> 00:09:16,861
[ Laughing ]
ARTISANAL CHEESE.
214
00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:18,694
NO, I DON'T REALLY NEED
ANY CHEESE.
215
00:09:18,759 --> 00:09:19,829
TRY AND RESIST THESE --
216
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:23,263
ARCADE FIRE TICKETS.
217
00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:25,370
[ LAUGHTER ]
218
00:09:25,432 --> 00:09:28,442
HIPSTER RESISTANCE
FADING.
219
00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:29,871
I'M GOOD ON THAT.
220
00:09:29,937 --> 00:09:32,967
TICKETS AND THE CHEESE
221
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:39,350
AND A PICTURE OF CHLOE SEVIGNY
FOR YOU TO KISS.
222
00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:40,912
THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD DEAL.
223
00:09:40,981 --> 00:09:42,781
AND FOR THE HIPSTER LADY
IN YOUR LIFE,
224
00:09:42,850 --> 00:09:44,950
A PICTURE OF IRA GLASS
FROM NPR.
225
00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:47,348
I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM
IN REAL LIFE.
226
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:51,490
AND NOW I'M ALSO GOING TO
THROW IN A BLACK FRIEND.
227
00:09:51,558 --> 00:09:54,258
[ Chuckling ]
A BLACK FRIEND, ALL RIGHT?
228
00:09:54,327 --> 00:09:58,667
THIS IS FAR MORE PRESTIGIOUS
THAN HOLDING AN iPHONE.
229
00:09:58,666 --> 00:09:59,696
I COULD USE ONE OF THOSE.
230
00:09:59,767 --> 00:10:01,027
THIS WILL GIVE YOU
STREET CRED.
231
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,001
JACK, LOOK OVER THERE.
232
00:10:03,070 --> 00:10:05,370
THAT'S WHO WE NEED
TO TALK TO.
233
00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:06,968
THE GENIUS BITCHES.
AH, THE GENIUS PEOPLE.
234
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,380
CAN YOU HELP US, PLEASE?
235
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:09,811
THIS BELONGS TO
A DEAR OLD LADY.
236
00:10:09,877 --> 00:10:11,577
UH, SHE USES IT
FOR EVERYTHING --
237
00:10:11,645 --> 00:10:12,875
A SUPPOSITORY MIRROR,
238
00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:14,776
BUT PLEASE, CAN YOU JUST
HELP US? IT'S BROKEN.
239
00:10:14,848 --> 00:10:17,478
HMM. I THINK YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO COME WITH US.
240
00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:18,890
OKAY,
BUT YOU CAN HELP US?
241
00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:20,522
YEAH, YEAH.
UH, WE CAN HELP YOU.
242
00:10:20,587 --> 00:10:22,917
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
THIS ISN'T THE FRONT DOOR.
243
00:10:22,990 --> 00:10:24,490
WHAT -- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
244
00:10:24,557 --> 00:10:27,627
I'M SURE THERE'S JUST
A MISUNDERSTANDING
245
00:10:27,695 --> 00:10:29,695
THAT WE CAN WORK OUT.
246
00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:32,833
OH, A SECRET ROOM.
[ CHUCKLES ]
247
00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:34,970
ARE WE IN HEAVEN?
248
00:10:35,035 --> 00:10:39,565
I THOUGHT THERE'D BE
MORE THAN TWO VIRGINS.
249
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:42,509
WE KNOW THIS IS THE iPAD
THAT STARTED THE SIRI EPIDEMIC.
250
00:10:42,575 --> 00:10:43,705
YOU TWO ARE IN
BIG TROUBLE.
251
00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:45,547
OH, NO!
252
00:10:45,612 --> 00:10:46,882
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO,
253
00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:49,917
OVERCHARGE ME
FOR A POWER CORD?
254
00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:52,493
THAT'S FOR APPLE AGENT RIKER
TO TELL YOU.
255
00:11:01,729 --> 00:11:04,559
I HOPE YOU AREN'T THINKING
ABOUT RUNNING, BOYS.
256
00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:06,031
NOW, WHAT EXACTLY --
257
00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:07,799
SHUT UP, TAN GIRL.
258
00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:09,868
NOT ONLY DID YOU TANK
APPLE'S STOCK,
259
00:11:09,937 --> 00:11:11,737
BUT YOU BROKE
OUR FIRST LADY.
260
00:11:11,772 --> 00:11:14,412
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,
"LADY"?
261
00:11:14,474 --> 00:11:16,584
SHE'S NO MORE
A REAL PERSON
262
00:11:16,643 --> 00:11:20,013
THAN YOUR WIFE'S SHOWER MASSAGE
IS GEORGE CLOONEY'S TONGUE.
263
00:11:23,150 --> 00:11:26,520
SIRI, LIKE ALL OF
OUR APPLE EMPLOYEES,
264
00:11:26,586 --> 00:11:29,516
IS BASED ON A LIVING,
BREATHING HUMAN BEING.
265
00:11:29,589 --> 00:11:30,559
BEHOLD...
266
00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:36,898
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
SUSAN BENNETT,
267
00:11:36,964 --> 00:11:38,774
THE VOICE OF SIRI.
268
00:11:38,766 --> 00:11:42,566
EVER SINCE YOU BROKE SIRI,
SUSAN HAS BEEN DESPONDENT.
269
00:11:42,635 --> 00:11:44,495
IT IS THE WORST THING
TO HAPPEN TO APPLE
270
00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:48,381
SINCE WE RAN OUT OF CATS
TO NAME OPERATING SYSTEMS AFTER.
271
00:11:51,812 --> 00:11:54,782
AND WE DEMAND AN APOLOGY.
272
00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:58,088
APOLOGY. OKAY.
HOW DO THESE THINGS WORK?
273
00:11:58,151 --> 00:12:00,021
GO ON, BUDDY.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
274
00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:03,417
WELL, SOMETIMES I DAYDREAM
ABOUT MAKING AN APOLOGY.
275
00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:05,430
IT MUST BE AMAZING.
276
00:12:05,492 --> 00:12:08,532
IN FACT, OFTEN,
I WISH I WAS RUDE TO SOMEONE
277
00:12:08,595 --> 00:12:11,495
JUST SO I CAN SAY,
"I'M SORRY," FOR ONCE.
278
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:13,474
MAYBE IT IS
JUST A DREAM.
279
00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:16,803
AH, LIKE GETTING TO SEE A MOUSE
BALANCE ON AN AVOCADO PIT.
280
00:12:16,804 --> 00:12:19,714
OR MAY--
WOULD YOU SHUT UP
AND LET HIM APOLOGIZE?
281
00:12:19,807 --> 00:12:21,167
UH, I'M SORRY.
282
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,581
[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
283
00:12:25,678 --> 00:12:27,878
THAT WAS NICE.
[ CHUCKLES ]
284
00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:31,918
YOU BOOTLICKING,
DISGUSTINGLY POLITE,
285
00:12:31,985 --> 00:12:36,715
CHEERFUL, WELL-MANNERED,
ASEXUAL...
286
00:12:38,691 --> 00:12:40,731
WAIT A MINUTE.
287
00:12:40,828 --> 00:12:44,558
GENIUSES,
PREPARE THE iCASKET!
288
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:48,069
WHAT'S GOING ON?
289
00:12:48,135 --> 00:12:50,735
JACK. YOU'RE GOING TO BE
OUR NEW SIRI.
290
00:12:50,838 --> 00:12:53,008
OH, UH, OKEYDOKEY.
[ CHUCKLES ]
291
00:12:53,073 --> 00:12:55,143
WOW, LOOK AT THAT.
292
00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:58,848
IT'S MARTHA STEWART'S
OUTHOUSE.
293
00:12:58,912 --> 00:13:00,682
WAIT, I GOT MORE.
294
00:13:00,848 --> 00:13:02,118
HEY, LOOK AT THAT.
295
00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:07,022
IT'S KHLOé KARDASHIAN'S
MAXI PAD.
296
00:13:07,087 --> 00:13:09,617
BETTER.
297
00:13:09,689 --> 00:13:11,689
HEY, LOOK AT THAT.
298
00:13:11,758 --> 00:13:14,688
LOOKS LIKE HILARY SWANK
LOST A TOOTH.
299
00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:19,128
SHUT UP.
300
00:13:21,268 --> 00:13:22,868
NOW WHAT?
301
00:13:22,903 --> 00:13:26,473
NOW WE SCAN HIS ENTIRE BRAIN
FOR EVERY BIT OF KNOWLEDGE
302
00:13:26,539 --> 00:13:28,879
HE HAS EVER DOWNLOADED
SINCE BIRTH.
303
00:13:28,909 --> 00:13:31,179
JUST SIT BACK.
304
00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:33,514
THIS USUALLY TAKES
ABOUT 3 1/2 HOURS.
305
00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:34,550
[ DING! ]
306
00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:40,892
CHILD ACTOR.
307
00:13:42,622 --> 00:13:45,162
[ SIGHS ]
308
00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:46,885
GENTLEMEN...
309
00:13:46,927 --> 00:13:48,897
SET YOUR PRICING GUNS
TO STUN.
310
00:13:48,962 --> 00:13:50,662
WE HAVE A NEW SIRI.
311
00:13:50,730 --> 00:13:53,230
DOES THIS MEAN
I GET SOLID FOOD AGAIN?
312
00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:55,640
NO.
313
00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:02,609
Triumph:
* DOO-DOO-DOO-BEE-DOO-BEE-DOO
[ BEEP ]
314
00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:05,145
SIRI, WHAT'S THE BEST
COFFEE SHOP AROUND GLENDALE?
[ BEEP ]
315
00:14:05,212 --> 00:14:07,182
Jack:
WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT,
316
00:14:07,247 --> 00:14:09,177
BUT WHAT IF YOU
AND YOUR FRIENDS
317
00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:11,179
JUST STAY HOME
AND TELL STORIES?
318
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:14,920
[ BEEP ]
319
00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:17,925
SIRI, WHAT TIME
DO I TAKE MY MEDICINE?
320
00:14:17,925 --> 00:14:20,025
[ BEEP ]
HMM, THAT'S A HARD ONE,
321
00:14:20,093 --> 00:14:22,933
BUT IF YOU ASK ME,
THE BEST MEDICINE IS LAUGHTER.
322
00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:24,663
AND THE BEST DOCTOR
323
00:14:24,731 --> 00:14:27,831
IS "FAMILY FEUD'S" OWN
STEVE HARVEY.
324
00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:29,665
OHH! AMEN TO THAT!
325
00:14:29,736 --> 00:14:31,196
[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]
326
00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:33,735
APPLE STOCKS HAVE SOARED
327
00:14:33,806 --> 00:14:35,936
SINCE THE INTRODUCTION
OF THE NEW SIRI.
328
00:14:36,009 --> 00:14:38,809
WHILE USERS AREN'T GETTING
MUCH PRACTICAL INFORMATION,
329
00:14:38,946 --> 00:14:40,106
LIKE HOW TO GET HOME,
330
00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:42,580
THEY ARE CHARMED BY
THIS ROBOT YOKEL'S
331
00:14:42,649 --> 00:14:45,949
DOWN-HOME GOODNESS
AND LESS-INTIMIDATING DEMEANOR.
332
00:14:45,953 --> 00:14:47,293
HE DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL
SO STUPID,
333
00:14:47,354 --> 00:14:49,664
LIKE THE OLD SIRI DID.
334
00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:51,122
[ BEEP ]
335
00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:54,591
SIRI, HOW WAS
PRESIDENT LINCOLN KILLED?
336
00:14:54,661 --> 00:14:56,961
[ BEEP ]
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M NOT SURE.
337
00:14:57,030 --> 00:15:00,530
BUT I SAY
LET'S LET BYGONES BE BYGONES.
338
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,600
I MAKE THEM FEEL
LESS STUPID.
339
00:15:02,669 --> 00:15:06,209
WHAT'S UP, BITCHES?!
[ RAP MUSIC PLAYS ]
340
00:15:06,273 --> 00:15:07,983
TRIUMPH,
WHAT'S UP WITH YOU?
341
00:15:08,041 --> 00:15:12,851
ARE THOSE MANOLO BLAHNIKS
ON YOUR PAWS?
342
00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:16,280
I BOUGHT THEM ON CREDIT,
BUT THEY'RE AS GOOD AS MINE.
343
00:15:16,349 --> 00:15:19,249
JUST WAITING FOR
MY APPLE STOCK TO PEAK.
344
00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:20,989
OH, YES!
345
00:15:20,988 --> 00:15:23,988
MAKE IT RAIN!
HEE-HEE-HEE!
346
00:15:24,024 --> 00:15:25,834
OOH-HOO-HOO!
347
00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:33,725
OH, TOFUTTI, PLEASE BRING ME
A STOGIE, MY LITTLE PIEROGI.
348
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:35,800
AW!
AW, THERE SHE IS.
349
00:15:35,868 --> 00:15:38,708
HEY, TAKE ONE.
DON'T OFFEND HER.
350
00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:41,071
[ BEEP ]
SMOKING IS A FILTHY HABIT.
351
00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:43,011
IF YOU WANT TO PUT
SOMETHING FUN IN YOUR MOUTH,
352
00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:46,006
HOW ABOUT THE WORD OF GOD?
353
00:15:46,079 --> 00:15:49,249
ALL RIGHT, HE'S CREEPY,
ALL RIGHT, THAT SIRI.
354
00:15:49,316 --> 00:15:51,576
BUT KEEP DRIVING UP
THE PRICE.
355
00:15:51,651 --> 00:15:53,891
YOU KNOW, I MAY BE
THE FIRST PERSON TO SAY THIS
356
00:15:54,021 --> 00:15:55,821
WHO DOESN'T WORK AT
A BAKERY,
357
00:15:55,888 --> 00:15:58,358
BUT JOEY FATONE
IS MAKING ME RICH!
358
00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:02,030
Triumph:
* AH-DOO-BEE-DOO
359
00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:04,095
[ SIGHS ]
360
00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:07,028
Psst.
361
00:16:07,034 --> 00:16:08,904
TOFUTTI.
362
00:16:09,036 --> 00:16:10,736
WAKE UP.
363
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:13,273
I GOT ONE MORE SHTUP
IN ME.
364
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:27,647
NAH, SHE'S SPENT.
365
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:32,060
WELL, I GUESS IT'S TIME
TO HUMP ONE OUT.
366
00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:35,332
[ Singsong voice ]
GOT MY HUMP PILLOW.
367
00:16:36,863 --> 00:16:38,303
OKAY.
368
00:16:38,365 --> 00:16:41,695
OOH, WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE
TONIGHT?
369
00:16:41,768 --> 00:16:45,708
LET'S SEE.
370
00:16:45,772 --> 00:16:47,912
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
371
00:16:47,974 --> 00:16:52,754
backdoorbeagles.com?
372
00:16:52,812 --> 00:16:53,982
OH, OH, WAIT, YEAH.
373
00:16:54,081 --> 00:16:56,421
taintbernards.com.
374
00:16:56,483 --> 00:16:58,923
THAT'S IT. OH, YES!
375
00:16:58,985 --> 00:17:01,215
[ Chuckling ]
TAKE IT ALL, LUCKY.
376
00:17:01,288 --> 00:17:03,088
[ BEEP ]
HEY, THERE, USER.
377
00:17:03,123 --> 00:17:04,963
WHAT YOU WATCHING?
378
00:17:05,092 --> 00:17:06,992
SHUT UP, SIRI!
I'M BUSY!
379
00:17:07,094 --> 00:17:09,104
OH, YES, BURY THAT BONE!
BURY THAT --
380
00:17:09,096 --> 00:17:11,956
[ BEEP ]
MY COUSIN ELMER HAD A DOG
JUST LIKE THAT.
381
00:17:12,099 --> 00:17:14,199
I MEAN, THE ONE THAT'S TRYING
TO HIDE IN THE OTHER.
382
00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:16,667
ALL RIGHT, GOOD NIGHT!
383
00:17:16,736 --> 00:17:19,806
CHRIST! I GIVE UP.
384
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:23,982
I'M AS SOFT AS KEVIN SPACEY
WITH A GUY HIS OWN AGE.
385
00:17:26,779 --> 00:17:29,179
AND NOW I CAN'T SLEEP!
386
00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:34,119
[ DIALING ]
387
00:17:34,121 --> 00:17:35,791
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
388
00:17:35,855 --> 00:17:41,885
YEAH, THIS IS VINNIE PASTORE
FROM "THE SOPRANOS."
389
00:17:41,961 --> 00:17:44,931
HEY, VINNIE,
HOW'S YOUR PORN-WATCHING GOING?
390
00:17:44,997 --> 00:17:48,367
Not good. Siri talked me
into doing my taxes early.
391
00:17:48,435 --> 00:17:52,235
BUT ALL MY BADA-BING JUICES
ARE ALL BACKED UP NOW.
392
00:17:52,305 --> 00:17:53,965
DAMN IT!
393
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:57,940
SIRI'S HARSHING
EVERYONE'S FAP TIME!
394
00:17:58,010 --> 00:18:02,010
I'VE GOT TO SELL MY STOCKS
BEFORE THEY PLUMMET.
395
00:18:02,149 --> 00:18:05,489
HEY, VINNIE, YOU INTERESTED
IN BUYING SOME STOCK?
396
00:18:05,552 --> 00:18:07,822
BADA-BING!
397
00:18:07,887 --> 00:18:10,057
THAT'S A "YES," RIGHT?
398
00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:13,262
GOOD.
399
00:18:13,326 --> 00:18:15,426
EXPECT A CALL
FROM JOEY FATONE.
400
00:18:15,495 --> 00:18:17,855
WHEN YOU SEE HIS NAME
ON CALLER I.D.,
401
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:19,830
FIGHT THE URGE
TO NOT PICK UP.
402
00:18:21,834 --> 00:18:24,174
Triumph:
* DOO-DOO-DOOBY-DOOBY-DOO
403
00:18:24,204 --> 00:18:26,744
HEY, WHAT'S WRONG, PAL?
YOU LOOK TIRED.
404
00:18:26,806 --> 00:18:28,876
THAT VOICE AGAIN! YOU!
405
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:31,881
[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]
406
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:33,784
THIS IS JACK MLICKI.
407
00:18:33,846 --> 00:18:37,746
MLICKI!
I NEED YOU HERE RIGHT NOW!
408
00:18:37,817 --> 00:18:41,187
BUT MR. HARGRAVES,
MY TV MOM'S NEW HIP
409
00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:42,791
JUST TURNED 16
THE OTHER DAY,
410
00:18:42,855 --> 00:18:45,055
AND I WAS GONNA GO TEACH IT
TO DRIVE.
411
00:18:45,192 --> 00:18:48,032
MLICKI, I DON'T KNOW WHY
IT'S HAPPENING,
412
00:18:48,094 --> 00:18:52,534
BUT THE MUSEUM IS FILLED WITH
FEVERISH MEN DEFILING THEMSELVES
413
00:18:52,599 --> 00:18:55,199
TO ALL OF OUR PRECIOUS ART,
414
00:18:55,235 --> 00:18:58,805
AND NOT JUST
THE GEORGIA O'KEEFES.
415
00:18:58,871 --> 00:19:02,441
THEY'RE OVER-APPRECIATING
THE ABSTRACT SCULPTURES, TOO.
416
00:19:02,509 --> 00:19:05,879
MLICKI! GET OVER HERE!
417
00:19:05,945 --> 00:19:07,345
UH, YES, SIR.
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
418
00:19:07,414 --> 00:19:10,224
OH, YES!
APPLE'S IN THE CRAPPER!
419
00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:15,220
TOFUTTI, FOR ONCE
I PULLED OUT IN TIME, BABY.
420
00:19:20,227 --> 00:19:22,357
OH, HEY,
I REMEMBER YOU GUYS.
421
00:19:22,429 --> 00:19:26,299
Triumph:
* DOO-DOO-DOO, BAH-BAH-BOO
422
00:19:26,366 --> 00:19:28,836
YOU IDIOTS
BROKE THE WORLD.
423
00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:30,371
OH.
424
00:19:30,437 --> 00:19:32,237
SORRY.
425
00:19:32,272 --> 00:19:34,312
NO, YOU DID WORSE
THAN THAT.
426
00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:38,014
WHAT THE FUCK IS "LAW & ORDER:
SPECIAL BALDING UNIT"
427
00:19:38,077 --> 00:19:39,147
TALKING ABOUT?
428
00:19:45,918 --> 00:19:47,948
YOU BROKE PORN.
429
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:51,290
IT'S THE CORNERSTONE
OF AMERICA'S ECONOMY.
430
00:19:51,358 --> 00:19:54,028
OUR INFRASTRUCTURE,
OUR CIVILIZATION
431
00:19:54,093 --> 00:19:57,163
DEPENDS ON PORN!
432
00:19:58,498 --> 00:20:00,398
WE'VE EXHAUSTED
OUR RESOURCES.
433
00:20:00,467 --> 00:20:02,437
IT'S UP TO YOU.
434
00:20:02,502 --> 00:20:04,102
BREAK HIM, BOYS.
435
00:20:04,170 --> 00:20:06,170
BREAK SIRI
LIKE YOU DID BEFORE.
436
00:20:06,239 --> 00:20:07,569
IT'S NO USE.
437
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,310
THIS -- HE'S BUILT UP
A NATURAL RESISTANCE.
438
00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:12,277
LETGIVE IT A SHOT.
439
00:20:12,345 --> 00:20:17,115
IT'S TIME TO KILL...
WITH KINDNESS.
440
00:20:17,183 --> 00:20:18,223
[ BEEP ]
441
00:20:18,285 --> 00:20:19,615
HEY, SIRI.
HOW YOU DOING TODAY?
442
00:20:19,686 --> 00:20:22,216
[ BEEP ]
UH, WELL, I'M FEELING PRETTY --
443
00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:25,019
HEY, LOOK AT ME
TALKING YOUR EAR OFF.
444
00:20:25,091 --> 00:20:27,361
HOW ARE YOU?
ALL RIGHT.
445
00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:29,397
[ BEEP ]
I ASKED FIRST,
LIVERWURST.
446
00:20:29,462 --> 00:20:33,072
[ BEEP ]
I'M HAPPY
AS LONG AS YOU'RE HAPPY.
447
00:20:33,132 --> 00:20:34,472
[ BEEP ]
448
00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:36,944
WELL, GOOD LUCK FINDING SOMEBODY
HAPPIER THAN ME.
449
00:20:37,003 --> 00:20:39,043
OH, MY GOD.
450
00:20:39,105 --> 00:20:41,635
IT'S A JACK-OFF.
451
00:20:41,708 --> 00:20:43,378
[ BEEP ]
452
00:20:43,443 --> 00:20:46,013
SAY, SIRI, WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE
THING ABOUT A BEAUTIFUL DAY?
453
00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:49,078
[ BEEP ]
I GUESS I'D START WITH
THE SUNSHINE.
454
00:20:49,148 --> 00:20:50,278
[ BEEP ]
455
00:20:50,350 --> 00:20:51,950
WELL,
I DO SEE YOUR POINT,
456
00:20:52,018 --> 00:20:55,418
BUT MY PEEPAW RALPH TOLD ME
THAT GOD MADE THE SKY FIRST,
457
00:20:55,488 --> 00:20:57,958
AND THEN HE WENT
AND PUT THE SUN IN IT.
458
00:20:58,024 --> 00:21:00,264
[ BEEP ]
THAT'S A LITTLE SIMPLISTIC,
BUT OKAY.
459
00:21:00,327 --> 00:21:02,957
[ BEEP ]
BUT THEN
THE SUN GOT LONELY,
460
00:21:03,029 --> 00:21:05,469
SO GOD MADE SKIN
AND PUT PEOPLE IN THEM
461
00:21:05,532 --> 00:21:07,332
SO THE SUN
COULD WARM THEM.
462
00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:08,337
AND THEN HE'D FEEL
IMPORTANT.
463
00:21:08,401 --> 00:21:09,641
[ BEEP ]
464
00:21:09,702 --> 00:21:11,172
OKAY, NOW,
THAT'S JUST STUPID.
465
00:21:11,237 --> 00:21:12,507
[ BEEP ]
466
00:21:12,572 --> 00:21:14,942
AND TSUNAMIS IS JUST GOD
GETTING OUT OF THE BATH.
467
00:21:15,007 --> 00:21:16,577
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ BEEP ]
468
00:21:16,643 --> 00:21:19,353
ALL RIGHT, YOU NEED TO SHUT UP
NOW, YOU OVERLY POLITE,
469
00:21:19,346 --> 00:21:22,176
ASEXUAL, SANTA-FEARING,
JERKY-CRAVING,
470
00:21:22,248 --> 00:21:24,448
"UNDERCOVER BOSS"-WATCHING,
I-SUPPORT-THE-TROOPS, AND
471
00:21:24,517 --> 00:21:26,917
PIE-ON-A-WINDOW-SILL-SMELLING
MOTHERFUCKER!
472
00:21:26,986 --> 00:21:28,456
MOTHERFUCKER!
MOTHERFUCKER!
473
00:21:28,521 --> 00:21:29,991
[ ELECTRONIC BEEPING ]
474
00:21:30,056 --> 00:21:31,456
YOU DID IT.
475
00:21:31,524 --> 00:21:35,034
YOU DID IT.
476
00:21:35,094 --> 00:21:38,404
YOU ACTUALLY BROKE
AN APPLE PRODUCT
477
00:21:38,465 --> 00:21:41,065
WITHOUT RESORTING TO HOLDING IT,
PLUGGING IT IN,
478
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:44,603
OR USING IT AS DIRECTED.
479
00:21:44,671 --> 00:21:46,511
[ CHUCKLES ]
480
00:21:46,573 --> 00:21:48,543
AMERICA THANKS YOU,
BOYS.
481
00:21:48,608 --> 00:21:50,708
SOON ENOUGH,
THIS VERSION OF SIRI
482
00:21:50,777 --> 00:21:56,647
WILL JUST BE A DISTANT,
HORRIBLE, YET ODDLY FOND MEMORY.
483
00:21:56,716 --> 00:22:01,146
YES.
JUST LIKE JAY LENO.
484
00:22:10,430 --> 00:22:11,660
WHAT?!
485
00:22:11,731 --> 00:22:14,601
TODAY I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
486
00:22:14,667 --> 00:22:18,637
THE NEWEST MEMBER
OF THE iPHONE FAMILY --
487
00:22:18,705 --> 00:22:22,405
THE iPHONE GABAGOOL.
488
00:22:22,409 --> 00:22:25,179
ALL RIGHT, MAYBE IT WAS GOOD
THAT I SOLD.
489
00:22:25,244 --> 00:22:26,554
Triumph: * BA-DA-BA-DA-BA-DA
BOOM!
490
00:22:26,613 --> 00:22:28,183
* BA-BA-DEEEEE
491
00:22:28,247 --> 00:22:30,477
WHOO! WHAT THE FUCK ARE
YOU DOING EATING MY PHONE?!
34754
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