Original subtitles

( DELICATE PIANO MUSIC )

(Cockatoo squawks)

MAN: It's a strange place, the Australian bush,

full of weird creatures and odd characters.

Things happen out here never reach you people in the cities.

Things like you'd never believe -

not even if you saw 'em on '60 Minutes'

or 'The World's Strangest Home Videos'.

You hear about the big weird stuff,

like dingoes eating babies

or madmen wrestling crocodiles

but the small weird stuff,

well, it just never seems to make the six o'clock.

This story's what I call a little Ripley,

believe it or not.

It's the kind of story you hear about in the pub

after work over a few beers.

It's a story about three mates and a singing bird

and a scavenger and a pimp

and a rock worth more than any of 'em could have ever dreamed.

( DRAMATIC MUSIC )

Used to be 10 pubs down in that valley.

10 pubs,

seven whorehouses and four banks.

Reckon they got the proportions just right.

(Laughs)

(Whispers) Yeah.

Weekends now, we get the townies up here

in their recreational vehicles...

..looking for a find.

A bit of glitter.

They sit in their comfy chairs

drinking fancy piss.

They do a sweep now and again

but they never find nothin'.

It's all been picked clean, see,

that paddock.

At least, that's what they all thought.

All it needed was a storm like you'd never seen before...

( THUNDER CRACKS )

..a flash flood...

..and the Black Tar Gang.

SONG: ♪ We go on and on and on

♪ We are the champions, my friend

♪ And we'll keep on fightin'... ♪

MAN: You've probably seen their picture in the papers.

Three ordinary looking blokes -

nothing to indicate the greatness

they'd later achieve.

But to those in the know,

each of these fellas had special,

some might even say heroic, qualities.

Like, for instance, Lotto.

Lotto was called 'Lotto'

because every week he bought a Lotto ticket

hoping he'd win a few million bucks.

Lotto was the unluckiest man on the planet.

God is cruel when he gives the unluckiest man on the planet

control of the steamroller.

Woop!

-( DRAMATIC MUSIC ) -Oh, no!

Come on, back it off, mate.

-Argh. -Oh, jingos, mate.

(All laugh)

Mate! You are a bloody menace.

What's it doing parked there in the first place?

LOTTO: Come on!

Co-oome!

MAN: Often times when Lotto put money on a horse...

TV: There's a bad fall on the turn...

MAN: ..it not only lost -

it needed to be put down.

Oh, that'd be right.

Then there was Wookie...

His real name was Glen.

But everyone called him Wookie

because he reckoned that one day

he saw one of them hairy things out of 'Star Wars'

in his backyard.

(The Wookie growls)

He used to read them cheap, shitty magazines -

the ones that reckon Lady Di is alive and well

and married to an Eskimo in Iceland.

(Clears throat)

Or that aliens abducted Ally McBeal

and stapled her stomach.

That's how come she's so thin.

Then there was Sue.

Yeah, righto, yeah, yeah.

Sue, whose real name was Bob,

was the gourmet of the group.

Whereas the others would settle for an ordinary meat pie,

Sue would go for the steak and kidney

or the beef and bacon.

Yeah.

Never again...

Ugh.

What a finger was doing in a steak and kidney pie

is one of God's great mysteries,

especially since on that finger was a ring

which got stuck in his tubing.

Now, the ring itself was of no particular value

and despite all the coverage

the previous owner never came forward to claim it.

REPORTER: How did you feel?

But Sue used his brief celebrity well -

sold the story to the gentlemen of the press,

got himself a cheap lawyer

and sued the pie company for $2 million.

REPORTER: Ever consider eating a meat pie again?

Oh, maybe. I think I'll try pasties for a while.

They settled out of court for $100,000...

You lift me up over threshold?

..which was just enough to buy himself a big house

and a beautiful young bride.

But not enough so he could quit his job like he was hoping.

You see, there's some men born lazy,

some men become lazy,

and others have laziness thrust upon 'em.

You never quite knew which it was with Sue.

You just knew he was lazy.

( GLASS SMASHES )

-( CAR HORNS BLAST ) -OTHER DRIVER: Come on, mate!

FOREMAN: Hey, what's the story, mate? What's happened?

It looks like somebody's just chucked a rock at me car.

What!? Sue...

( HORNS BLARE AND HONK )

Whenever any of the gang had a grumble

the others would be there to help out.

Like that time with Lotto's scratchie.

Lotto, the unluckiest man on the planet,

had finally hit the jackpot.

(Shouts) Yeah!

Now, Lotto wasn't gonna let a flimsy grate

get in the way of sudden, yet much anticipated, wealth.

( QUIRKY MUSIC )

You see, the Black Tar Gang,

faced with a situation,

were resourceful men.

Some might even say lateral thinkers.

( JACKHAMMER POUNDS )

( DRAMATIC MUSIC )

Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

( JACKHAMMER STOPS )

( ACTION MUSIC )

For two days, they dug up the street.

For two days, an entire block went without water.

For two days, the council thought there was a gas leak.

-A gas leak? -Yeah.

We'll have to evacuate the whole street.

-How long's this for? -Until we find the...gas leak.

In the end though, they never did find the scratchie.

Now, with blokes like this -

Type A personalities and all...

-Let's go get a beer, eh? -Yeah.

..it was no mistake they each had a missus

equal to the task.

TV: The first goal of the second half

going Essendon's way...

Me and the boys are thinking about

going to the creek this weekend, love.

You went last weekend.

Wookie's got a new metal detector.

-Wookie needs a padded cell. -You're being harsh now, Cheryl.

Swear to God, if he comes over again

with a bloody water filter...

Chez, what they've been doin', right, since Vietnam

is putting this fluoride shit

in our water supply to sedate us.

Right?

And look. Look at these fillings. Look at these, eh?

Look at 'em all. Three times a day I brush.

-It's your government. -Wookie, that's disgusting.

So he's got strong political views.

You can't condemn him for that.

We're talking about someone who reckons

he's been anally probed by aliens.

How do you know he hasn't?

-You two deserve each other. -Won that one.

There's no gold up there and you know it.

You're being harsh now, Cheryl.

What about this garage sale we're having on the weekend?

Have you seen all our bills?

But that's it, blossom.

We go up there, we make a find. Bingo! Problem solved.

Besides, with this metal detector of Wookie's...

What metal detector?

I told you before. Wookie bought a metal detector.

How much was it, Baz?

What?

The metal detector. How much did it cost?

(Laughs) Oh, the...

It was 400 bucks.

Oh, 400 bucks. Jesus!

It's an investment.

It's like shares, except it's better.

And I suppose you're chipping in.

He's my mate. Of course I am.

Does Darlene know about this?

Well, blossom, Darlene and Wooks, just like us,

have a marriage that respects and honours

the free flow of information.

In other words, she doesn't have a clue, right?

Work was a real pain today.

This guy came in with a trolley

and everything in it had to be price checked.

Price checked, huh?

You have any idea how long it takes to get a price check

on an 85g can of Canadian smoked mussels.

Notice in supermarkets now nothing ever has prices on it?

Because of inflation, right?

It's going through the roof

because the ACCC is in cahoots with the RBA and the ATO

to keep everyone in the dark on the GST, I kid you not.

Anyway, this guy was a real D.H.

What's a D.H.?

A dickhead.

(Laughs)

Eh.

Why would anyone want a tin of Canadian smoked mussels?

I think they use them as a sex aid.

Really?

Well, um...

Will ya pick up a tin tomorrow?

Are you going prospecting this weekend?

Yeah. Why?

Found a metal detector under the bed.

Ah, yeah, yeah. It's Lotto's.

How much did it cost?

-600 bucks. -600 bucks?!

Well, it's an investment.

You know, like shares, except it's better.

Did you know Moon Choo was a doctor?

A doctor. (Laughs)

She got a degree or whatever in Shanghai

except it's not recognised here.

Well, if she's so smart what's she doing with Sue?

-Eh? -Got a point there, hon.

TV: And Paul 'The Fat Man' Vautin...

Hey. We bought a metal detector today.

Oh? For goldmining?

Yeah, it's cool. Gonna be grouse when I lose my car keys.

-How much you pay for it? -Oh, you know, about 900 bucks.

That's a lot of money.

Oh, yeah, except, you know, it's an investment.

It's like shares, except it's better.

Well, Nasdaq dropped 30% last six month.

Yeah, well, this thing's gonna make us all rich little bunnies.

You go out this weekend with boys?

Yeah, gotta try out the new toy.

How about you stay with me this weekend?

W-why?

So we be together.

No, I don't think so.

Oh. OK.

Oh, you know, it's a bloke thing.

We've been doin' this for years. We're mates, you know?

Moon Choo, you've gotta understand.

It's not that we're mucking around out there.

We're prospecting, you know?

It's like we're hunters going on an expedition

and we're bringing back food for the village.

Yeah, it's kind of, you know, like, primitive.

Like apes.

Yeah.

Kind of.

Did she really call us apes?

Nah, she wasn't trying to bag us.

She was trying to make a medical point.

Mate! I don't think it's working.

-Did you turn it on? -Of course I turned it on.

-Is it on high? -Yes. Yes, it's on high.

You gotta hold it six inches off the ground.

That's the problem! It's only five inches off the ground.

Why don't you try it, dickhead?

SUE: Means I gotta get up, you tool.

WOOKIE: Have a go.

Right.

-Did ya turn it on? -Oh, fuck you!

Set the switch to high? (Laughs)

I said, "Fuck you."

Did you charge the batteries?

You gotta charge the batteries, mate.

Didn't you read the instructions?

Let's grab a beer.

-( RACE COMMENTARY ) -LOTTO: Come on!

Come on!

RADIO: This'll be the day for 'Helen Gin',

well clear of 'Flamingo Princess'

and 'Have a Go You Mug'.

Ssss... Get up! Ssss...

Oh, Helen Gin's stumbled and come crashing down.

Flamingo Princess takes the front...

SUE: Alright. Time to splash the boots.

Thank you.

Yeah, well, this is why we need an outside dunny.

We've got the biggest toilet in the world out there, mate.

Yeah, I get embarrassed.

What's that? In case a possum sees ya?

Possums have feelings too, you know.

(Urinates)

SUE: How much I owe you for that thing?

Don't worry about it, it's on Visa.

I'll let you know when I get the bill.

-Thanks, mate. -But no more cheques, though.

Last three bounced.

Yeah, that's the bank's fault.

Was three different banks.

They're all bastards, aren't they?

Being harsh, mate.

-( DETECTOR BEEPS ) -Found somethin'.

What is it?

A nail.

Great. 900 bucks and all we've found

is two ring-pulls, four nails

and a tooth with a silver filling in it.

-Amalgam. -What?

It's not silver, it's amalgam.

-Don't you go to the dentist? -Nah.

Look forward to when they drop out

so I don't have to clean 'em.

-( DETECTOR BEEPS ) -Found somethin' else!

-What is it, Wook? -It's another nail.

Great investment.

If we find any more nails we can open up a hardware shop.

What's that on your boot?

Oh. Probably possum shit.

Jesus, mate, that's gold. Where've you been?

I went for a leak.

Sue, this might hurt. Think really hard.

-Where did ya go? -Hmm.

WOOKIE: Was it a big leak or a little leak?

SUE: How is that relevant?

Did you go behind a tree or somethin'?

There was a tree, actually, and a bird up in the tree.

(Bird squawks)

(Sighs and resumes urinating)

(Bird squawks in a chatty manner)

Hmm?

( WONDROUS MUSIC )

Did you have mushrooms for breakfast?

It was beautiful. It sang to me.

-What sort of bird was it? -A cockatoo.

-A white cockatoo. -Cockatoos don't sing.

-They screech. -It sang to me.

You had a leak and saw a cock or two?

-Hey, that's funny. -Thank you.

Come on, let's have a look.

There might be a nest around here or somethin'.

( INTREPID MUSIC )

Why would you follow a singing bird, eh?

Just makes no sense.

Well, if we didn't follow the bird,

we wouldn't have found the gold.

We haven't found gold.

We've found three specks on your boot.

Same thing. That bird was an omen, like a voice from God.

A voice from God.

-Next time God speaks... -Wookie...

..ask him to be more specific, know what I'm sayin'?

Ask him to choose something other than a singing bird.

-Wooks... -Actually, like a kangaroo...

..with bloody English as a second language.

-Or a wombat with a mobile. -Wookie...

Now, that's an omen.

( WONDROUS MUSIC )

SUE: What is it?

WOOKIE: What's wrong?

-Come here. -Keep away. Keep away.

Tell us what it is. What is it?

It's gold.

The whole thing there...

..is one big chunk of gold.

-Shit! -It's a nugget.

(Shouts) Yeah!

SUE: We're rich! We're rich!

Sshh!

Shut up! Idiots.

If the others find out it will be like feeding time at the zoo.

Shh. Just stay calm, alright?

We'll come back tonight and pick it up.

Just...play it down.

Play it down.

Real cas', OK?

I was hoping for an early night.

-SUE: Did you see that sunbeam? -What about it?

-Wasn't it weird? -You know what that's from?

Bloody nuclear testing in the Pacific, I kid you not.

-Oh, no. -No?

No, the heavens opened up and pointed the way to the gold.

It was the finger of God.

-WOOKIE: The finger of God? -Yeah.

Sounds like when there's a cloud, it's the bum of Buddha,

but when it rains it's...

LOTTO: Someone's coming.

MAN: How are you boys?

Oh, shit. Ratner.

Jeez, it's cold, isn't it? Freeze the retreads off a 180B.

(All laugh)

-What you doing there? -Here?

Burying our dog.

I didn't know you had a dog.

LOTTO: Well, we don't bring him up much, do we?

Thought it'd be a good idea bringing him up

because he's been crook for a little while

and thought he could do with some fresh air, but...

-She didn't like fresh air. -No. Died of pneumonia.

(Laughs)

You're obviously in mourning. What sort of dog was it?

-Er, it's a terrier. -Shepherd.

Yeah, one of those Tepid sherrier things.

I like the German shepherds. They are good dogs.

-ALL: They are. -They're good.

Oh, sorry to interrupt you in such a private moment.

I'll leave you to it, shall I?

-No worries. -Right.

By the way, er, this poor lost pooch, was it a he or a she?

How do you mean?

Well, you called it a he and Glen called it a she.

Well, it's...well, it was a... (Pretends to sneeze) A SHE!

What was that?

(Pretends to sneeze) A SHE!

Yeah, right, well, er, may 'A SHE' rest in peace then, eh?

Thank you.

-(Laughs) -Yeah.

( DRAMATIC MUSIC )

-Oh. -Do you want a hanky, mate?

Let's get out of here quick.

RATNER: Jurgen, did you see that metal detector?

Why would you need a metal detector to bury a dog?

Maybe the dog died of lead poisoning?

And maybe their dog don't die at all.

What you mean? They bury the dog alive?

(Moans)

( 'RUN TO PARADISE' BY THE CHOIRBOYS PLAYS ON RADIO )

And to think the girls reckon we come out here

just to drink beer, eh?

We did.

Yeah, well, that's not the point, is it?

Must've been that flash flood -

you know, washed all the topsoil away.

Flash flood? That's very biblical.

First, we had the flash flood, then the singing bird,

and then the finger of God.

Then the bleeding nose.

The bleeding nose?

When I punch you for being a dickhead.

SONG: ♪ That's right, they had it all worked out

♪ You were young and blonde and you could never do wrong

♪ That's right... ♪

(Changes radio frequencies)

What are you looking for?

I'm trying to find the price of gold.

We'll have to start listening to stock market reports, eh?

Yeah, we should start reading that 'Financial Review' too.

Like, a five cent change in the price of gold...

That could be the difference

between being millionaires and multi-millionaires.

-(Laughs) -Or billionaires.

Or multi-billionaires. Or multi-multi-billionaires.

-Or trillionaires. -Or multi-trillionaires.

Or mega-multi-zillionaires.

(All laugh)

♪ You don't want anyone ♪ Hold my head up

♪ You don't want anyone

♪ Don't tell me this is paradise

♪ Open your eyes up... ♪

RATNER: What do you make of that?

JURGEN: This dog a good digger.

-Big claws. -The dog was never in that hole.

Then where did they bury it?

Just wonder why they left at daybreak.

Never seen those blokes up before lunchtime.

I had a dog once. He die. I know the pain.

Holy shit, it's gold!

-LOTTO: What do we do? -SUE: It'll be fine. Let's go.

He's right. We can't leave it.

People get kidnapped from these places all the time.

What about one of us stays with the nugget,

the others go inside, order the food?

-How's that? -Alright.

I'm not staying. You always stuff up my order.

How do you stuff up a burger with the lot?

You always get me beetroot. I hate beetroot.

Alright, why don't we cover it up,

then all three of us can go inside, order whatever we want?

-Yeah, alright. -Give us your jacket.

-No, give us your jacket. -Yours is camouflage.

-But I'll get cold. -We're going inside.

Girls, should we just use these? What do you reckon?

( COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO )

-OK, youse paying all together? -Yeah, pay together.

Right, that's three hamburgers with the lot -

one no beetroot -

three large chips, two Pepsis, a 7 Up.

That's, er...that's $14.80.

Oh, $2.40 short.

(All laugh)

-What's so funny? -Well, we're, um...we're rich.

-You're $2.40 short. -(Laughs) But we're rich.

Yeah, no, really rich.

Look, I know it doesn't look like it, but we are rich.

It's just that, look out, we're $2.40 short.

(All laugh)

You want this stuff or what?

Sorry, it's just we're so rich that...

We could buy two burgers each easy.

-With chips. -(Laughs) Heaps of chips.

How about I just take these two drinks back, eh?

Then we'll be sweet.

Where's the car, guys?

WOOKIE: I told you this would happen, didn't I?

-I told you, didn't I? -No.

People get kidnapped from car parks like this all the time

and we go and leave

a multi-million dollar gold nugget

in the back of a ute.

(Sarcastically) "Just put some jackets on it, it'll be right."

Should have made it easier for them and left the keys in it.

I think I did, didn't I?

Or we should have put a neon sign on the roof saying,

"Steal me. This one's a good one.

"The radio sucks but there's gold in the back."

This really does put you two into platinum dickhead status.

It's right over there, Wook.

Oh.

SONG: ♪ We're doing fine in the lucky country... ♪

SUE: What are you doing with your share?

I'm getting one of those radio telescopes they use at NASA.

Oh, mate, you might find an intelligent life form

in your living room. (Laughs)

That was funny.

-Yeah, thank you. -Hmm.

What about you?

I'm buying one of those home cinema outfits.

Big one. Watch a bit of 'Grease' in Dolby stereo.

God, John Travolta's good. You seen 'Battlefield Earth'?

No.

Man, it was much maligned, unfairly so, I reckon.

What about you, Lotto? What are you going to do?

I've always wanted to get Cheryl a new car.

Maybe something with airconditioning.

Get her one with a push-button radio as well.

-Bucket seats, mate. -Automatic transmission.

I've been thinking and I reckon

there's got to be more gold back there.

There has to be.

So what are you thinking?

Well, what I'm thinking

is that we've been clock punchers for too long.

Time we started thinking like the big end of town.

SONG: ♪ ..making money. ♪

CHERYL: What the hell are they doing?

-Why don't we just sell it? -Who to? Wog the Jeweller's?

Cheryl, it's not that simple.

It's not like your grandma's engagement ring.

That's not part of the grand plan.

Alright, what are you lot up to?

-Well, Lotto figures... -Oh, this'll be good.

Lotto figured there's more gold on those other leases.

-So? -You're gonna rob them.

No. We keep this quiet and we buy up the other leases.

-Buy up the leases? -Yeah.

They don't know we've found gold. They'll sell them cheap.

That's brilliant.

It's not brilliant, it's the same as stealing.

It's not like stealing.

How do you think Murdoch made all his millions?

You know, or that Bill Gates guy?

Or Colonel Sanders?

They worked hard.

(Sarcastically) "They worked hard."

(Slams door)

-Baz. -LOTTO: Yo.

Can I have a word?

Sure, blossom.

What's this about buying up the leases?

Oh, what's the problem?

Ripping off your mates, that's the problem.

-How am I ripping them off? -How much money do we need?

-You're missing the point here. -Wookie, shut up.

Cheryl, we owe a motser on the house,

right, we've got no savings, we've got bugger-all super

and with Charlie, how else are we going to get ahead?

This is our chance to set ourselves up for good.

That's all well and good, but not at other people's expense.

Big business do this all the time. What's the difference?

I didn't marry big business, I married Barry Harrison,

an honest man who works on the roads.

You do this, Baz, you wear the consequences, alright?

-Does that mean I can do it? -Absolutely.

Yeah.

( WONDROUS MUSIC )

MAN: You see, a nugget that big is a freak of nature.

They just don't make them that size.

It was majestic.

It was like a big, dirty mirror.

You looked at it and what you saw reflected

was the absolute essence of yourself

that forced you to ask yourself the big questions of life.

When they found that nugget

it was like the bush had revealed a hidden secret

and brought it out into the light for us all to see.

We were just tiny little ants going about our business,

not realising there's a big world out there,

beyond our reach,

beyond our comprehension.

LOTTO: We've got to get a photo of this, boys.

-Is it straight? -Yeah.

Oh, hang on. Hang on.

( CAMERA TIMER RUNS )

( CAMERA CLICKS )

Another one - I blinked.

You didn't blink. You fell asleep.

-(Starts camera timer) -Right.

( CAMERA CLICKS )

Watch the sleeping bag - that's mine.

One, two and... (Grunts with exertion)

It's getting dirty.

You know what? I reckon we should weigh it first.

Good idea.

How are we going to weight it?

Take a look at that and tell me how many times it spins around.

Alright.

-Ready? -Yeah.

One, two...

(Both grunt with exertion)

Come on, baby, spin.

Er, that's two times round plus 35 kilos.

OK, each time it goes around is 120...120...

-275 kilos. -275 kilos.

What's gold worth? About 300 bucks an ounce?

Yeah, an ounce, yeah.

-How many ounces in a kilo? -16.

-No, that's grams. -BOTH: No, that's pounds.

-No, grams. -No.

Oh, let's work it out later.

(All grunt with exertion)

Easy, easy. Hey, watch my foot.

Honey, listen to this.

Baz, Baz, I don't want any part of this, alright?

No, no, no, no, listen.

It says here, "The biggest nugget in the world

"was found at Hill End in 1872

"and it weighed 214 kilograms."

So?

Our nugget weighs 275 kilograms.

-275? -Yeah, give or take.

Are you serious?

You know what it means?

It means that that nugget

that's sitting out there in the backyard

is the biggest nugget that's ever been found.

You're joking.

Means you can get a new car.

Really?

You can get a new garage to put the new car in.

God.

You could get a new house to put the new garage in.

God, Baz, we could move.

We could get a new street to put the new house in

to put the new garage in to put the new car in.

(Laughs)

You reckon I could get a facial?

You could get a new face to put the new facial on.

-(Laughs) -Don't do that.

Your face is perfect how it is.

You reckon I could get my nails done too, maybe?

(Both laugh)

( TENSE MUSIC )

( COMICAL MUSIC )

Doug!

Doug!

DOUG!

-What do you make of that? -Mmm, looks like a birdbath.

I know it's a birdbath, but since when are the Harrisons

taking an interest in the local fauna?

DOUG: Maybe it's for washing their smalls.

( WONDROUS MUSIC )

Jeez, we've never had a new car before.

-They smell different. -Do they?

-How do they smell? -Like a new car.

I once took one for a test drive just to smell it.

-CHERYL: Did you? -(Laughs) Yeah.

(Cheryl laughs) You're a dag.

(Sniffs)

SALESMAN: Hmm.

Oh, cool, we're going to be in the 'Guinness Book of Records'.

We're going to be famous.

You know, if I had a choice between rich or famous

I'd definitely choose rich.

Yeah, no contest there.

Thank you, linesmen and ball boy.

Or just famous, well, that's a problem.

Yeah, I've been there.

Except you could make money off your name.

You could do dog food commercials, things like that.

Yeah? I was famous.

No-one offered me a dog food commercial.

Yeah, but you swallowed a severed finger in a meat pie.

Kind of limits your marketing potential.

I don't know. Could have done, like, a toothpaste ad.

Hey, guys, check this out.

There's two leases that border ours.

One's owned by Ratner,

the other's owned by that old guy, Wally - been there forever.

But look at this.

They've both got ridges that run down to the creek,

which means they've both probably got gold on them.

What's this? A CWA meeting?

Come on, boys, back to work. Tea break's over.

Don't bag the Country Women's Association, George.

They make a mean lamington.

I'll bag you blokes if you don't move. Come on.

I'm right, thanks, George. I'm gonna finish my coffee.

Oh, pardon me. Is there anything else you want?

A few more bickies? That'd be lovely, George.

Get us some chocolate ones with the cream centres.

-Got any Tim Tams? -Come on, or I'll dock your pay.

-Oh, you're being harsh now. -SUE: Yeah, I feel like a nap.

Me too. Bugger off, George. We're getting some shut-eye.

I beg your pardon.

Piss off, you little shit.

What did you say?

He...he's just saying

you've got bad breath and you fart in the car.

What?

I wouldn't let him talk to you like that, George, you poofter.

OK, that does it.

If you're not at work in 30 seconds you're out of a job.

George, I don't like your tone.

You don't get the best out of the troops.

Yeah, you're no fun anymore, George.

I mean it. 30 seconds.

Let's go grab a beer, eh?

-Yep. -Yes.

See you later, George. Have a good one.

Cheers, mate.

Guys!

Price check on 85-gram can of Canadian smoked mussels.

Excuse me, mate, family business.

-Can you ring these up? -What do you want these for?

We're going to do some maths.

-Why aren't you at work? -We quit.

(Laughs) $4.95.

-Er, you good for it? -Yeah, I'll fix it up later.

See you tonight.

'Bye.

Price check on blue rope.

Fuck this.

Alright, number of ounces in a kilogram?

Uh, 35.274.

The weight of the nugget was what?

275 kilos.

Price of gold, is that in there?

Yeah, it's $315 an ounce. In US dollars.

How many Australian dollars in a US dollar?

-Uh, that's 0.48 at the moment. -Oh, bloody bodgy currency.

Luce, can we work this out on your till?

Yeah, sure thing, love.

Alright, what we're gonna do is convert kilos to ounces,

so divide 275...

Hang on. Shouldn't you multiply?

What?

If you're converting imperial to metric, you divide,

but if converting metric to imperial, you multiply.

-Which is imperial? -Well, ounces.

OK, so multiply by 35.274

and we've got to multiply that by the price of gold,

which was how much per ounce - 315?

And we've got to convert that to Australian dollars

from US dollars, so multiply that by 0.48.

No, that depends on when you sell,

because the balance of payments figures are out next week

and the current account deficit

could well be larger than market estimates

given the surge in the resources sector,

so our dollar could strengthen against the greenback,

although copper's dropping at the London Metal Exchange

and Texas crude is rising per barrel which will affect it too

so if I were you, I would factor in 0.55,

but I would seriously consider a hedge.

-OK, so you divide. -What?

If you convert US to Australian dollars, you've got to divide.

-LOTTO: But we're both metric. -Yeah, but you still divide.

Alright, Einstein. Luce, divide by 0.48.

The grand total is how much, Luce?

(Sighs) $6,376,987.00.

And that'll be $6.80 for the drinks, boys.

-Ah, shit. -(Whispers) $6 million.

-Oh, my God. -Shit.

-How much is that each? -Two mill each.

-Shit! -Two million!

-I'll get the drinks. -Nuh, I'll get them!

His shout, his shout! First time!

This calls for a celebration, boys. What should we do?

-Get takeaway. -Buy a slab?

No, we should do something special.

We should do something really special.

(Woman laughs)

SUE: Oh, show them how to use them.

It's easy to use chopsticks, mate. It's basic.

(All laugh)

Alright, look at you, you natural!

Open your thumb and put it here.

Well, OK. You want this? Look at that - fork, eating.

It's good.

Excuse me, mate, can we get

another of those Mongolian hotpots?

-No problem. -(All talk at once)

Oi, listen up. (Swishes drink with chopsticks)

I just want to mark this occasion

'cause some people reckon they're rich

when they buy a Mercedes-Benz or a waterfront mansion

or a Lear jet or something.

Well, we just ordered the second Mongolian hotpot

and that says to me, we've made it.

-What do you reckon, fellas? -ALL: Yeah, cheers!

( TRIUMPHANT MUSIC )

SUE: There you go.

-DARLENE: 'Night! -Good night, eh?

First time I've had a feed and not worried about the bill!

That's 'cause I paid, you tightarse!

Oh, yeah! Could've given them a cheque.

-(Wookie laughs) See ya! -See ya!

( GENTLE MUSIC )

CHERYL: Jeez, that was nice, wasn't it?

First time I've been to a restaurant

where the serviettes weren't paper.

-LOTTO: Service was good too. -Yeah.

LOTTO: I gave that guy a tip. Two bucks.

Should've seen his face!

CHERYL: You go get Charlie and I'll put the kettle on, OK?

LOTTO: OK.

I don't have to go to work.

(Chuckles) I don't have to go to work!

I don't have to get up.

I could go to the pub, just stay there all day.

Whatever I want.

No, you can't. You're coming to the bank.

We've got to sign some papers.

-What for? What sort of papers? -Mortgage papers.

In case you hadn't noticed, Mr $4-million-man,

we don't have any money,

especially now,

seeing as how you're so gloriously unemployed.

We're going to refinance the house.

Darlene's doing the same thing.

Come on! Do we have to bother with that?

We'll be rolling it in in a few weeks time. Really!

In a few weeks time, Charlie would have died of starvation,

so yes, we do have to worry about it.

Come on, get up! Put on a tie. That's a nice one.

Bank managers like ties. There you go.

-Come on! Get up! -(Muffled) Ahh!

-You remember the lease? -What lease?

The lease for the mine.

Yeah, what about it?

You ought to have a read.

What for?

-You don't remember? -No.

Lotto was away. You signed it. Look down the bottom.

The whole thing's in your name.

What, the lease?

The lease is in your name, Glen.

So...

Anything found on that lease is technically yours.

Or ours, seeing as how we're married.

So, that nugget...

So, that nugget's ours, hon.

(Alex Lloyd sings) ♪ Beat the mundane... ♪

Oh, my goodness - Mr and Mrs Cook on their hols.

Oh, they're weird, those two.

This puts me right off pineapple rings.

Hmm, it's good to see they've graduated to fruit.

-Oh, Mr Roberts? -Hmm?

Take a gander.

( QUIRKY SUSPENSE MUSIC )

Couldn't be!

WOOKIE: We're wasting our time, fellas.

-Ratner won't sell. -LOTTO: Course he'd sell.

He'd sell his mother for the right price.

(Dog whines)

WOOKIE: Oop, careful.

SUE: Yeah, good guard dog, that one - rip your head off.

Leyland P76.

I don't care if your grandma's

had it wrapped in sanitary pads for the last 30 years.

I'm not paying 500 bucks!

She'll come back. What can I do for you boys?

Need new shockers for your heap of shit, Bazza?

No, we're here to make you a business proposition, Ratner.

Deal of a lifetime.

I'm not buying that junk. Couldn't give it to me.

No, no, not talking about cars.

Talking about your plot down at the creek.

-My plot? -Yeah, your mining lease.

We want to buy it.

How come?

-We want to plant a vineyard. -Hmm.

-A vineyard? -Big money in wine these days.

-Yeah. -Hmm.

Had you pegged for a beer man, Bazza.

Don't have to drink it to grow it.

I wear woollen underpants, but I don't grow sheep, do I?

Anyway, think about it. Good opportunity for some quick cash.

It's not like you'll make money mining gold, are you, really?

(Laughs forcefully) Yes.

( QUIRKY SUSPENSE MUSIC )

Sorry about that, mate. Now, where were we?

So what's your final price?

This baby owes me a quarter of a mill, not a penny less.

You want me to start kicking its tyres, Bubba?

Listen to me. This is low grade.

You melt this down, you burn off all this shit,

you get more gold out of this, my friend.

100 grand cash.

It's the best offer you'll get, except maybe from Bunny.

(Laughs)

-(Bird squawks) -Hello, Gabby.

Where did he find the nugget, eh?

Easy.

You see, Ratner was, by nature, a bottom feeder, a scavenger.

Clap your eyes on that.

He was stupid but he wasn't dumb.

He figured the gang had scored big-time,

so he followed them back to town,

took a peek while they were having a bite...

( REVERENT MUSIC )

..decided he'd bide his time till they could steal it clean.

Then they just waited.

( DRAMATIC MUSIC )

-ALL: Cheers! -Here's to hotpot.

So, on the very night

when they felt rich enough to order two Mongolian hotpots,

the nugget was taken.

Bring it in!

Take it over the back passage there.

Meanwhile, the gang and their respectives

started to live like mega-multi-zillionaires.

SONG: ♪ All this money is a bitch, girl... ♪

They all spent and spent and spent,

all on borrowed coin.

Hey, honey! This surround sound's unbelievable.

I was watching 'Erin Brockovich' -

that one with Julia Roberts - I swear I heard her fart.

-Yeah, it's good, darl. -I'm just going for a drive, OK?

-What for? -To smell.

-To what? -To smell.

Honey, you know you can smell in here.

Forget about it. See you later. 'Bye.

(Turns ignition on)

( GENTLE MUSIC )

Mmm.

Glen!

Have you done anything about that lease yet, Glen?

Not yet, darl.

Well, are you gonna, or what?

Yeah, I guess so. When the time's right.

Well, the time's right, hon. Look at this.

It's our Visa bill. We're over our limit.

The bank phoned yesterday

and said we've exhausted the funds

on that line of credit thingy that we've got on the house.

-Mm-hm. -So, what will you do about it?

What do you want me to do about it?

Show them the lease,

tell them that nugget's yours and you want it back.

And then what?

Then we take it to Wog the Jeweller and get some dough.

IKEA's got a sale on soon.

You married champagne, hon, you didn't marry beer.

MAN: This looks dinky-di, alright.

You think it's something the 'Tribune' can run?

Yeah, this is a great story!

This is not just a national story,

it's major worldwide syndication -

CNN, NBC, BBC.

-'Who Weekly'? -Probably.

Whoo.

Either way, it'll put us on the map.

Be a huge boost for the town, Derek -

that's all I'm thinking.

Give the old 'Tribune' a shot in the arm too.

So, what do you want me to do here, Arthur?

If I publish this, we have an ethical dilemma.

I take it you don't have their permission.

Oh, well, I think in this instance

we should slip our ethics under a tea-cosy, Derek.

For the good of the town.

MAN: Hey, fellas.

WALLY: That weekend,

it being the Easter long weekend as I recall,

the Black Tar Gang hit the valley with their scheme

to buy up all the leases.

They went from plot to plot,

every digger along the creek,

every townie and every pro.

But no-one would sell.

-Now, let me run this, OK? -Yep.

This bloke holds lots of sway here. If he sells, others will.

-Right. -Right.

So, it was only a matter of time before they came to me.

( SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC )

Alright, I'll sell.

You'll what?

You want me to sell, right?

Well, yeah.

So youse can find more gold.

What do you mean?

Look, don't play games with me, boys.

You want to buy me out or what?

-Well, yeah. -Mmm.

OK.

It'll cost you the life of the person you love most dearly.

Mate, what do you mean by that?

The papers are there on the table.

I've signed my bit.

Can we go back to that stuff about the life of the...

Person you love most dearly. That's me price.

You're joking, right?

Of course.

(Laughs hysterically)

Well, we'll get back to you.

( TENSE MUSIC )

( DOOR CLOSES )

(Breathes harshly)

There a price on this thing?

You heard him. "The life of the person you love most."

Oh, come on. It was a joke.

I dunno. He had an aura about him.

-Aura? What is an aura? -It's like a vibe.

It's like he's some kind of guardian angel or something.

WOOKIE: I must be blind, 'cause I missed the wings and halo.

Can we just sign this and get it over with?

I dunno. Something's not right.

Let's not jump into this.

( ENGINE SPUTTERS )

-LOTTO: What's going on? -MAN: John Ryan, WIN TV.

Could you tell us about the nugget?

SUE: What, like a chicken nugget?

JOHN: It's in the paper. Surely you're not denying it?

SUE: You interviewed me about the finger in the pie!

-WOMAN: Barry... -LOTTO: Nup, nup.

-No, thanks. -G'day, Mum, g'day, Dad!

(Reporters talk indistinctly)

LOTTO: What the hell's going on?

CHERYL: Looks like you've made the front page -

'World's Biggest Nugget Found in Backyard.'

WOOKIE: Can I have a look? Oh, they've spelt my name wrong!

LOTTO: Who's that in the backyard?

Righto, you blokes, out of here!

Go on, piss off. Take your cameras.

-Go - you're trespassing! -MAN: Come on, let's have...

-No photos. Out! -MAN: Come on, mate...

Got no respect, you idiots.

MAN: Barry, give us a shot, will you?

Well, don't know how the bloody hell movie stars feel.

CHERYL: Oh, here you go, Baz. Happy Easter.

Oh, thanks, blossom.

They didn't have any Humpty Dumptys left.

-Morning, Glen. -Morning.

Hey, Darls. Want a cuppa? The kettle's on.

Won't be staying long, thanks, Chez. You told them, Glen?

-No. -Told us what? What's wrong?

This is what's wrong.

-What's that? -The mining lease for the plot.

What's the problem?

It's signed in Glen's name, Bazza. That's the problem.

All these years, you've been mining our land.

Your land? What the hell are you talking about?

-Blossom... -We've got legal advice.

The lawyer says technically speaking

anything found on that land is our property

seeing as the lease is in our name.

Hang on. So you're saying that nugget is yours?

You always were fast on the uptake, Chez.

Yes, it's ours and we want it back.

You cannot be serious.

All we're doing is claiming what's rightfully ours.

Is this true, Wook?

Otherwise we bring in the lawyers and things get nasty.

Be a shame to bust up a friendship.

I'll go get Sue. He's a part of this.

It's got nothing to do with him.

Why don't you just shut your trap, you greedy little slut?

Baz, go get Sue.

What did you call me?

SUE: It's not the point whether it's legal or not.

We agreed if we found something we'd split it three ways.

Come on, guys, we shook hands.

A handshake means nothing.

It's what's in a contract that counts.

What about you, Wookie? You gonna say something?

-What do you think? -Yeah, Glen. Speak up.

Darlene's right. It's what's in a contract that counts.

Never thought I'd hear you say that, mate.

This is bullshit!

Get out of my way!

I'll dig this thing up myself.

-Over my dead body, you bitch! -What are you doing? Ahh!

-Doug, quick, get the video! -Let me go!

-You're not so tough now! -Oh, useless bugger!

Who do you think you are?

-Aren't you gonna do something? -Yeah, I'm gonna do something.

-You want this lease, do ya? -Yeah.

-Ow! -(Women grunt and groan)

You bastard, hey!

DARLENE: Ow!

Stuff the lot of youse. Come on.

Hey, want a piece?!

-Want some of this, eh? Yeah? -Yeah?

Come on!

(All yell and scuffle)

-DARLENE: What's that?! -(All pant)

( MYSTERIOUS MUSIC )

LOTTO: Where's the shovel?

( QUIRKY SUSPENSE MUSIC )

It's a dog's paw.

( SHOVEL CLANGS AGAINST METAL )

Ugh.

It's a shepherd.

( FLIES BUZZ )

Ugh, it's a terrier.

Ratner!

(Wally chuckles) Yeah, OK, it was a pretty sick joke

to put two dead dogs in there,

but they didn't call him King Rat for no reason.

RATNER: G'day.

He put the word out he needed two dogs -

a shepherd and a terrier.

A few days later, that's what he got.

-That's a terrier, right? -Yeah.

Check it.

-No, Bubba, please. -Check it.

(Whimpers)

(Laughs) Good one.

OK, pass that one over.

Jurgen.

-No, Bubba... -Check the bag, Jurgen!

( SINISTER MUSIC )

(Whimpers loudly and sniffs)

(Laughs)

You done good, boys.

There you go.

You can nick off now.

If you thought two dead dogs was ugly,

what Ratner did to that nugget was even uglier.

He figured this rock - this most noble of rocks -

needed some cosmetic surgery

so he could hide it more easily.

( CRUSHING AND CREAKING )

-That's all you're getting... -Excuse me, love.

Jesus! Let go of me, you mongrel!

Arrggh! Let go of my ear!

-Where is it? -Where's what?

The nugget!

The nugget you stole off us, you dirty little prick!

Oh, you mean the gold nugget. So there is gold up there?

That's why you were trying to get my land and rip me off!

Me trying to rip you off?

A winery - you wouldn't know the difference

between red and white!

I'm gonna call the cops, Ratner.

Go ahead, mate. I've got nothing to hide. Look around!

I must say, I am a little personally upset

that you'd think ill of me, mate.

(Laughs) Hey, Baz...

(Pretends to sneeze) A she!

(Ratner laughs)

A she! (Laughs)

(Sighs)

God will kick you for those dogs.

He will kick you hard and in a soft place.

No, no, Jurgen, God loves me.

That's why he made me so adorable.

(Laughs, wheezes and coughs)

Bazza! Hair of the dog, mate.

WALLY: The publicity not only made the gang

the laughing stock of the town,

but it also got Dimitri thinking.

( QUIRKY MUSIC )

Dimitri started to figure

that Ratner hadn't been exactly honest with him.

And Dimitri, being of Eastern European descent,

took honesty very seriously.

Dimitri owned the joint.

He also owned Peppi's Pizza Parlour around the corner...

..and Neptune's fish and chips shop up the street.

Dimitri had done well,

even despite a couple of near-deaths

from salmonella poisoning -

later attributed to his battered savs.

Dimitri also owned the local jewellery store,

probably because he liked gold chains so much.

So when Ratner was looking to unload the nugget,

Dimitri was the first person he turned to,

seeing as how Wog the Jeweller's was the only game in town,

and also 'cause he'd introduced Ratner to his fiancee, Bunny.

You see, Dimitri also owned

the town's one and only massage parlour.

And Bunny was his top masseuse.

You've got to do something about the oil, Dimi.

The girls are complaining about the taste of the canola.

Jesus Christ, Coco, do they want extra virgin olive oil?

Give me a break!

-Hey, Bubba! How are you doing? -Bubba!

It was a commercial arrangement at first.

Honey!

But love soon blossomed -

even though Bunny continued to work nights.

I got the wedding invites back from the printers.

-They're real nice. -You're lovely.

Sit down, I'll get you a drink.

So what's up, Dimitri? You gonna up the ante, are you?

Well, I've been thinking about your good fortune, Bubba.

I'm thinking you and me should combine resources.

(Laughs wheezily)

No offence, mate, but what resources have you got

that I might be interested in?

Apart from the obvious, of course.

-Mmm. -(Dimitri chuckles)

DIMITRI: Well, er, I've been reading the paper, see?

And I read how three men in town find this nugget,

then three men in town lose a nugget.

So I figured if you're trying to sell this nugget

in the current climate,

you'll have to be a bit discreet, you know what I mean?

Nah, I don't know what you mean.

Call a wog a wog, Dimitri.

Well, what I'm trying to say is, I'm in the trade.

I could be like an agent.

Take some of the heat, a bit of the risk.

And what would you get out of this?

The sheer pleasure of seeing you become rich, my friend.

(Chuckles)

Oh, I might take a small commission, you know?

Just to cover costs, that's all.

And, er, how small would small be?

30%.

(Laughs) Piss off!

(Sighs) Think about it, Bubba.

I know the right people. I could get heaps more for it than you.

Three or four times as much.

What's 30% in the whole scheme of things, eh?

(Bunny whispers) Go on, take it.

Yeah. OK.

-(Giggles) -You're on. Right.

Drinks are on the house tonight, Bubba.

WALLY: And so this union was struck

between the scavenger and the pimp.

Might even think about givin' your missus here an early mark.

-How's that, eh? -(Clears throat)

-Prick. -He's just doing his job, Darl.

-DARLENE: I think he stole it. -You think who stole what?

Take that tone out of your voice.

Take that drink out of your hands.

-It's still breakfast. -We had breakfast an hour ago!

I know. The dishes are still in the sink.

Well, go clean 'em.

I think Lotto and Cheryl dug that nugget up themselves,

and now they've got it hidden somewhere.

Somehow, I don't think Lotto would do that.

That story about Ratner was just a ploy

to divert everyone's attention from what they really done.

Why would they be talking about selling their house, eh?

Because they're probably moving to the Gold Coast,

you dope, that's why!

-You really believe that. -Course I do.

I wouldn't put ANYTHING past those two.

Well, let's just worry about our own shit, eh?

Yeah, like what?

Like we've got six weeks to sell our house in a slow market.

Your fault.

I can't go to the pub - everyone laughs at me.

Big deal!

I can't get a job because I told my boss to bugger off.

Moron!

And my two best mates think I'm lower than a snake's bumhole.

-Yeah, SOME mates! -Leave them alone.

Alright?

Just...just leave them alone.

I think you're turning homo, Glen.

( DOOR SHUTS )

TV: Here at Parramatta Stadium,

it's the Eels for the latest...

Have you thought about getting another job, Baz?

You know how hard it is to get a job here, love.

Why'd you quit? You loved that job.

I didn't love it.

Did it 'cause I had to.

Something you women don't understand.

We women?

Well, Baz, we women understand this.

We got more bills here than money in the bank.

And we've maxed out on our mortgage.

So it's only time before they foreclose on us

like they've done with your little cretin friend.

He's not a cretin. He's confused - isn't he?

Whatever, Baz.

Look, it's time you went on the dole.

Dole? I'm not going on the dole. Never been on the dole.

I'm not about to, thanks.

OK, fine, you just keep your precious pride.

We'll just all starve then, will we?

Anyway, I'm gonna go out to the creek this weekend

with a metal detector.

(Sighs) Bloody metal detector!

900 bucks! How the hell are we gonna pay for that, huh?

Ugh.

Be gentle with that, hey?

Yeah, another one of your great investments, Baz -

authentic Persian rug.

How much did this cost us - two grand?

Worth more than your stupid Lady Di memorial beer mug.

Well, she died, didn't she? Huh?

Look at 'em. Picking over our bones.

So-called mates.

You guys right or what?

-We're right. -Yeah, where's your toaster?

Are you selling your VHS?

That's a four-headed one. Mate, I'll swap you.

Ah, no, mate, that's a six-head.

-Oh, six-head! -You guys serious or what?

Yeah, look, six-head.

Right, well, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll reverse the ute up.

We'll put everything in the back,

all this stuff on the lawn.

And you can take it, the ute, the shit.

Have it - for nothing.

Oh, well, that's not necessary, mate.

( BIRDS CHIRP )

-Do you like that, Sue? -Not really.

-Have it. -I don't want it.

-For you, mate. That's yours. -Now you're being stupid.

-Who wanted the toaster? -Yeah, I was interested.

No charge for this stuff, boys. Just take it.

I don't want your money.

Sue, what about something useful?

-Nah... -How about an exercise bike?

We're just trying to help you out.

Trying to help me, mate?

You're helping yourself, you tightarse.

Bloody look at yourselves!

All because you wanna be Rupert fucking Murdochs!

Well, if you're gonna carry on like dickheads,

do it out on the street, not in my front yard, alright?

Jesus!

Let's go grab a beer, eh?

Yeah.

(Sighs) I'm sorry, fellas.

Me eyes got too big for me tummy.

We shook hands.

Yeah, I'm sorry too, guys.

If we'd just sold the bloody thing instead of being clever,

we'd be right now.

-I'm sorry too. -Why?

For hanging around with you dickheads.

Been thinking, Ratner's got the nugget, right?

So he's gonna have to try and find a buyer.

I guess so.

So what if we buy it?

With what? Proceeds from your garage sale?

-Haha, that was funny. -Thank you.

Hey, do you reckon your missus would do us a favour?

( PHONE RINGS )

-Hello? -WOMAN WITH ACCENT: Hello.

-Is that Ratner Spare Part? -Yeah, who's this?

My name is...Sang Choy Bow. I phone from Hong Kong.

You hear me OK?

Sure. What do you want, sweetheart?

I read on Internet you find big nugget.

RATNER: Great news travels fast.

MOON CHOO: We have many shop here in Hong Kong.

We buy, sell gold. You maybe want to sell this nugget?

Yeah, but hurry up. There's a lot of interest in this mother.

You sell your mother too?

(Laughs) At the right price, yeah.

There's too much MSG, Jack.

They're bouncing off the bloody walls.

What was that?

Oh, Australian tourist just come into my shop.

You Aussies have big mouths AND big nuggets.

We got big everything, sweetheart.

-(Mutters) And big belly too. -(Laughs) What?

I-I come see nugget. We talk.

OK, I go straight to airport now. Bye-bye.

'Bye.

(Sighs)

World's biggest nugget, eh, boys?

Very funny. You crack me up.

Yeah, well, wait till we get it back, Dimitri.

That'll be even funnier, haha.

SUE: Yeah, we know who stole it.

LOTTO: We'll take this one, mate.

No, no, Lotto. I'm getting this one.

Put it away.

LOTTO: Never know, Dimitri -

might be back here in a couple of days to do some business, eh?

WALLY: And so the Black Tar Gang began their scheme

to get the nugget back.

( PERCUSSIVE MUSIC )

And Moon Choo - who was in fact a doctor from Shanghai,

even though they didn't recognise it here -

went to battle to keep their dreams alive.

( PERCUSSIVE MUSIC INTENSIFIES )

-( GONG SOUNDS ) -Mr Ratner?

-Uh, friends call me Bubba. -Then I call you Bubba.

Ooh, you very handsome man, Bubba.

You didn't tell me on the telephone!

Must've forgot. Sorry.

(Laughs) Maybe we have a drink, eh? Long flight.

Then we talk about business.

-OK? -Bloody oath.

OK. (Giggles)

-There you go. -Oh, thank you.

Uh, no, no, no, Bubba. You sit here.

-(Giggles) -(Ratner chuckles)

So you have big nugget?

Big? It's bloody huge.

HUGE nugget.

Oh, you lucky man, Bubba.

Play your cards right, it could all be yours, sweetheart.

Oh, so where is it, this huge nugget?

I think I might need to see some ID.

I mean, you know, you could be anyone.

-Of course, you're not. -Of course.

-You know... -Yes. (Giggles)

A lot of people around town think I'm dumb as a dipstick,

but you gotta be smart to run a joint like this.

( QUIRKY MUSIC )

Here... My shop just there.

-Oh, very impressive. -Very good.

Oh, well, thanks.

Now, the nugget. Can I see?

Sure.

(Chuckles) Up you get. Come on.

There you go.

Clap your eyes on that.

Ah, photo on Internet look different.

Yeah, we did a bit of repackaging.

Oh.

-You mind? -No, be my guest.

( QUIRKY MUSIC CONTINUES )

24 carat.

-You very lucky man, Bubba. -(Chuckles)

Jesus, Jurgen. What happened to you? You look like shit.

God is vengeful.

Good.

For a moment, I thought you'd eaten one of my battered savs.

So, how much do you reckon it might be worth?

(Giggles) We talk... tonight at dinner.

Then we come back here. We do deal.

Then after we do a deal, we talk some more, OK?

-Mm. -OK, I go now.

See you tonight. At the Grill, eight o'clock?

Yes? OK, goodbye.

( MUSIC INTENSIFIES )

Ah! There you are.

Dimitri. Don't recall your name in the appointment book.

What do you want?

Is that how you greet a business partner?

I come to bring you warning, my friend.

Lotto and the boys said they're gonna get the nugget back.

Yeah, well, they better hurry up.

Why?

If you're doing a deal behind my back, Ratner, I swear...

No, mate, we're partners, remember?

Look, there it is. You happy?

What happened to it?

Oh, come on, cappuccino or short black,

it's still fucking coffee, isn't it?

Now, thanks for the tip-off, but I've got work to do.

WALLY: What they both didn't realise, though,

was that the nugget had been hurt.

Badly hurt.

You can't crush something noble like that

without it wanting to fight back.

The nugget was just waiting for its chance

to cut loose.

( MAGICAL MUSIC )

Honey, don't wait up for me tonight.

It's not right, Baz. It's breaking the law.

Nah, we're just getting back what's ours, honey, that's all.

Yeah, well, I don't wanna hear that in court.

Yeah, well, I don't want the bank to take our house away.

Oh, come here.

I never wanted nothing. You know that, Baz.

I mean, I got caught up in all this, the same as you blokes.

But we've got everything we need - you, me, Charlie.

Fit and happy.

It's all we need.

What about a facial?

-Wouldn't mind a facial. -Yeah.

(Laughs)

-I'll see you later on. -OK.

Now, make sure no-one else sees you, OK?

'Cause if you're recognised, it's all over.

-I got table right at the back. -Oh, good. Good.

How do I look?

Oh, you look great.

(Moon Choo laughs)

-Oh, are you trembling? -Yeah.

I don't know if I like my wife going out on a date.

You're not going anywhere, Glen,

until you tell me what's going on.

I'm just going out with my mates. Alright?

You really do prefer them to me, don't you?

They don't judge me.

We're going out tonight

and we're gonna try and get the nugget back.

If we do, we are gonna split it three ways like we agreed.

I shook hands.

I gave my word.

I don't give a stuff about lawyers or about leases

or any of that shit.

My word is my word and my mates are my mates.

Righto, how do we get in?

I thought you had a key.

Well, I had a key but I had to give it back.

I thought you had one. No, had to give mine back too.

Yeah, I had to give mine back too.

But I didn't.

Step aside, mate.

(Knocks)

Hey.

Um...

You know, seeing as the guys are out and everything,

I thought, well, um, maybe we could sink a few.

In you come.

So, uh, you must be tired.

After all that flying.

Oh! Ah, yes. But I sleep on plane. (Laughs)

Yeah. Oh, you would've been up the pointy end.

-Sorry? -First-class.

Oh, yes, of course. First-class. (Giggles)

'Cause, uh, you got here real fast.

Mmm. Mmm.

You must have had a real good connection to get here so fast.

Oh, daylight saving. It help a lot.

That'll do it.

(Grunts)

-Throw the other leg over! -Give a sec.

(Sighs)

(Sue grunts in exertion)

-It's not here! -What?

The nugget. It's not here.

Ring your missus. Get her to ask him where it is.

Tell me more about your company, Miss Bow.

-Sang Choy, please. -Mmm.

-( MOBILE PHONE RINGS ) -Excuse me.

-Hello? -Yeah, how's it going?

Oh! Yes! Dinner very beautiful. Thank you.

-Yeah? What did you order? -Uh, dim sim.

SUE: Oh, yeah. Fried or steamed?

Come on, mate!

Yeah, the nugget's not here. Can you ask where he put it?

OK. Call you back. Bye-bye.

-They're having dim sims. -So?

Phone call all the way from Hong Kong. Very impressive.

These modern phones they have nowadays.

Yes...business.

Uh, so, uh...the nugget still at your office?

Behind your couch?

-Yeah. Who wants to know? -What do you mean?

-Give me that phone! -Oh!

(Dials)

( MOBILE PHONE RINGS )

Yeah, where is it? (Flatly) Oh.

I get it.

You must think I'm really stupid.

-I think he's onto us. -Oh, shit.

-( DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC ) -Wait up, Wook!

(Derisively) First-class.

First-class bullshit artist, more like it!

Let me go!

(Scoffs) Daylight saving - give me a break!

Let go!

So, they think they can trick me.

The pack of bloody morons!

-Ha! -(Ratner grunts)

( BOOMING NOTE )

They not morons.

-So how did your garage sale go? -Oh, yeah, it was alright.

-We got $600 or $700. -(Thoughtfully) $600 or $700.

( MOMENTOUS CLASSICAL MUSIC )

Did you sell your Lady Di memorial beer bug?

Yeah. Got $20 for it. Should have got $100 for that, man.

-Especially since she's dead. -Yeah.

( DRAMATIC MUSIC )

Wook, hang on a second. Hold it there.

-You bastards! -Where is it, you prick?

-Where's what? -The nugget.

RATNER: Dimitri. You thieving mongrel!

Let's get out of here. Come on!

Tell you what - I got a good bargain on that Persian rug.

100 bucks!

I didn't see you there.

No. I got Paula to get it.

Thought you might get a bit tooshy,

seeing me picking through your stuff.

That's real sensitive of you, Darl.

(Laughs shyly) Yeah. Well, no worries.

( MOMENTOUS CLASSICAL MUSIC )

-Oh! Good evening, Bubba. -Where is that wog bastard?

Oh, you've been drinking. You stay here!

( MUSIC REACHES CRESCENDO )

What's your problem with canola? Taste?

G'day, Bubba. You just missed Bunny.

She went to Woolies for some olive oil.

(Fiddles with the door)

-(Sighs) -Great. So, what do we do now?

Where's my nugget, you wog thief?

Hey, hey, hey. Language, my friend.

Language? This is a brothel.

Mistake number one - this is not a brothel.

It is a legitimate clinic

for men requiring deep-tissue massage.

Mistake number two - I haven't got your fucking nugget.

Otherwise, I'd be in Queensland in a menage a trois.

Mistake number three -

don't try scamming me behind my back, you fat turd,

otherwise you might get burned, like now!

-(Strains) -(Laughs)

-(Both grunt and groan) -( LIVELY MUSIC )

(Woman shrieks)

What's happening?

LOTTO: It's pretty ugly, Wook. You don't want to see this.

-( DISTANT SHRIEKS ) -You see the nugget?

Mate, I don't think it's here. Let's go grab a beer.

Yeah.

( YELLING AND SQUEALING CONTINUES )

Never thought I'd be homeless.

You know how you used to see them old blokes on the street,

sitting there, drinking sherry,

and you find out later on

they used to be a big-shot lawyer

or a reporter on '60 Minutes'?

Just never thought it would happen to me.

Oh, I don't know, mate.

Wouldn't being drunk and homeless

be a natural progression for you?

Be a logical career path for Wookie.

Yeah. You could write one of those books -

'Homeless and Drunk for Dummies'.

Or get a segment on one of those shithouse television shows -

'How to Be Homeless but Comfortable'.

-(All chuckle) -Yeah.

"Tonight, our reporter, Wooks,

"tells how to turn a fridge box into a house."

You can all go get stuffed.

( QUIET MUSIC )

We're not big end of town.

Never will be.

Can't stab my mates in the back.

Kind of cuts me out.

I got no problem stabbing you bastards in the back.

Just hate wearing a suit.

-You love a tracksuit. -(Chuckles) Yeah, that's true.

We should get going.

Girls will be worried about us, you know?

( POIGNANT MUSIC )

We can make those little birds, the paper ones.

-You can make little ducks. -You're silly. (Laughs)

-I could do it. -( DOOR OPENS )

( GENTLE MUSIC )

WALLY: And, so, the Black Tar Gang

told their respectives that the nugget was gone.

And maybe it was Ratner, and maybe it was Dimitri.

It really didn't matter.

It was gone.

And that night,

they laughed for the first time in weeks,

because they knew that in the morning they'd wake up

and all their hopes and dreams would be gone.

Go look - the cherry picker's still sitting out in street.

But a strange thing happened that night.

And this is where the story gets kind of peculiar...

( MYSTERIOUS MUSIC )

Jurgen wasn't a greedy man - far from it.

Being of German extraction,

he felt keenly the sting of social injustice.

Jurgen wanted to make amends with the Gang,

so HE stole the nugget.

But Jurgen, being of German extraction,

was a creative man,

and generous by nature, like most Germans.

So, he thought he'd melt the gold down,

so the Gang could sell it more easily.

( MYSTERIOUS MUSIC REACHES CRESCENDO )

(Tests blowtorch)

And that would have been the end of it,

except for one thing.

That night, there was a big soccer match on the tellie,

and Jurgen, being of German extraction,

just had to watch.

TV REPORTER: The Germans celebrated extravagantly...

WALLY: So, while Jurgen watched his team,

and the Black Tar Gang went home to ponder their fate,

and the scavenger and the pimp

redefined their working relationship,

a funny thing happened with the nugget.

( WONDROUS MUSIC )

( GENTLE MUSIC )

Some people have later put it down to geography.

And others would talk about something greater.

Me personally,

I thought it was the nugget finally wanting to go home

to the person who'd plucked it out of the womb, so to speak.

( MAGICAL MUSIC )

( MUSIC REACHES JOYFUL CRESCENDO )

(Both grunt in exertion)

By daybreak,

the Gang had got enough gold

to make them very rich little bunnies.

They decided not to go to Wog the Jeweller's.

Instead,

they took it to a safe place where they treat you well.

No-one had any idea what had happened that night,

except for Jurgen.

Jurgen had a fit of conscience and told Ratner.

(Groans)

Jurgen took him to court, got a year's pay in compo.

Ratner got busted for the dead dogs,

copped six months community service cleaning out the pound.

Dimitri went to hospital from the dust-up with his staff.

The Gang slung some money George's way,

got their jobs back.

Not that they ever needed to work any more.

But their job did give them a social outlet,

normally denied the horribly rich.

They all bought new cars - nothing too flash -

but they did have push-button radios and bucket seats.

And Lotto bought a new house to put the new garage in,

to put the new car in, which he'd bought for Cheryl.

( 'DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY' BY BOBBY MCFERRIN PLAYS )

Look out.

Hooray.

-Did you get them done, Chez? -Oh, yeah.

Cheryl got a facial...

Coconut ice.

..and her nails done.

Darlene got pregnant.

Wookie wanted an ultrasound to make sure it wasn't an alien.

And even then he wasn't sure.

Moon Choo sat for her exams and got admitted as a doctor.

And Sue, the town's laziest man, started a business on the side,

making garden gnomes

out of the tar he'd pinched from the council.

The Gang didn't come up to the creek much after that.

Heard they were spending more time at home.

Then, one weekend...

-Hey, look! -( COCKATOO SQUAWKS )

-Hey, has it been singing? -Yep.

(Calls)

Well, should we follow it?

WOOKIE: Probably find more gold.

SUE: Yeah, I think so. It beckoned.

Hey, look. Finger of God.

WOOKIE: What do you reckon?

-Nah, let's grab a beer. -Yeah.

(Bobby McFerrin sings) ♪ Here's a little song I wrote

♪ You might want to sing it note for note

♪ Don't worry, be happy

♪ In every life we have some trouble

♪ But when you worry you make it double

♪ Don't worry, be happy

♪ Don't worry, be happy now

(Sings melody)

♪ Don't worry

♪ Be happy... ♪

( FUNKY ROCK MUSIC )

SONG: ♪ Coming around this time

♪ Tumbling down this time

♪ And before I know I'm hanging with nothing to show

♪ Letting me down this time

♪ Get up and out of your mind

♪ Get up and out of your mind

♪ Standing around this time

♪ It's getting me down this time

♪ I need to know

♪ I'm hanging with nothing to show

♪ Am I running around this time?

♪ Get up and out of your mind

♪ Get up and out of your mind

♪ I have to focus on making it a better day now

♪ I want to be Yes, I want to live

( INSTRUMENTAL BREAK )

♪ I have a focus

♪ On making a better day now. ♪

( 'BEAT THE MUNDANE' BY ALEX LLOYD PLAYS )

(Alex Lloyd sings) ♪ She came down like a bucket of rain

♪ Through the pores of a lovesick drain

♪ No-one talks on the bus anymore

♪ Together alone Seated in fours

♪ This could be forever

♪ Stand alone together

♪ 'Cause we're nowhere now

♪ Beat the mundane

♪ Beat the mundane

♪ Beat the mundane

♪ Beat the mundane

♪ Beat the mundane

♪ Beat the mundane

-♪ Can't stop talking 'bout it -♪ Beat the mundane

-♪ Can't stop talking 'bout it -♪ Beat the mundane. ♪