All language subtitles for The Nugget.English_(CC)CC

( DELICATE PIANO MUSIC )

(Cockatoo squawks)

MAN: It's a strange place,
the Australian bush,

full of weird creatures
and odd characters.

Things happen out here never
reach you people in the cities.

Things like you'd
never believe -

not even if you saw 'em
on '60 Minutes'

or 'The World's Strangest
Home Videos'.

You hear about
the big weird stuff,

like dingoes eating babies

or madmen wrestling crocodiles

but the small weird stuff,

well, it just never seems
to make the six o'clock.

This story's what I call
a little Ripley,

believe it or not.

It's the kind of story
you hear about in the pub

after work over a few beers.

It's a story about three mates
and a singing bird

and a scavenger and a pimp

and a rock worth more than any
of 'em could have ever dreamed.

( DRAMATIC MUSIC )

Used to be 10 pubs
down in that valley.

10 pubs,

seven whorehouses
and four banks.

Reckon they got
the proportions just right.

(Laughs)

(Whispers) Yeah.

Weekends now,
we get the townies up here

in their recreational
vehicles...

..looking for a find.

A bit of glitter.

They sit in their comfy chairs

drinking fancy piss.

They do a sweep now and again

but they never find nothin'.

It's all been picked clean, see,

that paddock.

At least, that's what
they all thought.

All it needed was a storm like
you'd never seen before...

( THUNDER CRACKS )

..a flash flood...

..and the Black Tar Gang.

SONG: ♪ We go on and on and on

♪ We are the champions,
my friend

♪ And we'll keep on
fightin'... ♪

MAN: You've probably seen
their picture in the papers.

Three ordinary looking blokes -

nothing to indicate
the greatness

they'd later achieve.

But to those in the know,

each of these fellas
had special,

some might even say
heroic, qualities.

Like, for instance, Lotto.

Lotto was called 'Lotto'

because every week
he bought a Lotto ticket

hoping he'd win
a few million bucks.

Lotto was the unluckiest man
on the planet.

God is cruel when he gives
the unluckiest man on the planet

control of the steamroller.

Woop!

-( DRAMATIC MUSIC )
-Oh, no!

Come on, back it off, mate.

-Argh.
-Oh, jingos, mate.

(All laugh)

Mate! You are a bloody menace.

What's it doing parked there
in the first place?

LOTTO: Come on!

Co-oome!

MAN: Often times when Lotto
put money on a horse...

TV: There's a bad fall
on the turn...

MAN: ..it not only lost -

it needed to be put down.

Oh, that'd be right.

Then there was Wookie...

His real name was Glen.

But everyone called him Wookie

because he reckoned that one day

he saw one of them hairy things
out of 'Star Wars'

in his backyard.

(The Wookie growls)

He used to read
them cheap, shitty magazines -

the ones that reckon Lady Di
is alive and well

and married to an Eskimo
in Iceland.

(Clears throat)

Or that aliens abducted
Ally McBeal

and stapled her stomach.

That's how come she's so thin.

Then there was Sue.

Yeah, righto, yeah, yeah.

Sue, whose real name was Bob,

was the gourmet of the group.

Whereas the others would settle
for an ordinary meat pie,

Sue would go for
the steak and kidney

or the beef and bacon.

Yeah.

Never again...

Ugh.

What a finger was doing
in a steak and kidney pie

is one of God's
great mysteries,

especially since
on that finger was a ring

which got stuck in his tubing.

Now, the ring itself
was of no particular value

and despite all the coverage

the previous owner never
came forward to claim it.

REPORTER: How did you feel?

But Sue used
his brief celebrity well -

sold the story
to the gentlemen of the press,

got himself a cheap lawyer

and sued the pie company
for $2 million.

REPORTER: Ever consider
eating a meat pie again?

Oh, maybe. I think
I'll try pasties for a while.

They settled out of court
for $100,000...

You lift me up
over threshold?

..which was just enough
to buy himself a big house

and a beautiful young bride.

But not enough so he could quit
his job like he was hoping.

You see,
there's some men born lazy,

some men become lazy,

and others have laziness
thrust upon 'em.

You never quite knew
which it was with Sue.

You just knew he was lazy.

( GLASS SMASHES )

-( CAR HORNS BLAST )
-OTHER DRIVER: Come on, mate!

FOREMAN: Hey, what's the story,
mate? What's happened?

It looks like somebody's
just chucked a rock at me car.

What!? Sue...

( HORNS BLARE AND HONK )

Whenever any of the gang
had a grumble

the others would be there
to help out.

Like that time
with Lotto's scratchie.

Lotto, the unluckiest man
on the planet,

had finally hit the jackpot.

(Shouts) Yeah!

Now, Lotto wasn't gonna
let a flimsy grate

get in the way of sudden,
yet much anticipated, wealth.

( QUIRKY MUSIC )

You see, the Black Tar Gang,

faced with a situation,

were resourceful men.

Some might even say
lateral thinkers.

( JACKHAMMER POUNDS )

( DRAMATIC MUSIC )

Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

( JACKHAMMER STOPS )

( ACTION MUSIC )

For two days,
they dug up the street.

For two days, an entire block
went without water.

For two days, the council
thought there was a gas leak.

-A gas leak?
-Yeah.

We'll have to evacuate
the whole street.

-How long's this for?
-Until we find the...gas leak.

In the end though, they never
did find the scratchie.

Now, with blokes like this -

Type A personalities and all...

-Let's go get a beer, eh?
-Yeah.

..it was no mistake
they each had a missus

equal to the task.

TV: The first goal
of the second half

going Essendon's way...

Me and the boys
are thinking about

going to the creek
this weekend, love.

You went last weekend.

Wookie's got
a new metal detector.

-Wookie needs a padded cell.
-You're being harsh now, Cheryl.

Swear to God,
if he comes over again

with a bloody water filter...

Chez, what they've been doin',
right, since Vietnam

is putting this fluoride shit

in our water supply
to sedate us.

Right?

And look. Look at these
fillings. Look at these, eh?

Look at 'em all.
Three times a day I brush.

-It's your government.
-Wookie, that's disgusting.

So he's got strong
political views.

You can't condemn him for that.

We're talking about
someone who reckons

he's been anally probed
by aliens.

How do you know he hasn't?

-You two deserve each other.
-Won that one.

There's no gold up there
and you know it.

You're being harsh now, Cheryl.

What about this garage sale
we're having on the weekend?

Have you seen all our bills?

But that's it, blossom.

We go up there, we make a find.
Bingo! Problem solved.

Besides, with this
metal detector of Wookie's...

What metal detector?

I told you before.
Wookie bought a metal detector.

How much was it, Baz?

What?

The metal detector.
How much did it cost?

(Laughs) Oh, the...

It was 400 bucks.

Oh, 400 bucks. Jesus!

It's an investment.

It's like shares,
except it's better.

And I suppose
you're chipping in.

He's my mate.
Of course I am.

Does Darlene know about this?

Well, blossom, Darlene
and Wooks, just like us,

have a marriage
that respects and honours

the free flow of information.

In other words,
she doesn't have a clue, right?

Work was a real pain today.

This guy came in with a trolley

and everything in it
had to be price checked.

Price checked, huh?

You have any idea how long
it takes to get a price check

on an 85g can of
Canadian smoked mussels.

Notice in supermarkets now
nothing ever has prices on it?

Because of inflation, right?

It's going through the roof

because the ACCC is in cahoots
with the RBA and the ATO

to keep everyone in the dark
on the GST, I kid you not.

Anyway,
this guy was a real D.H.

What's a D.H.?

A dickhead.

(Laughs)

Eh.

Why would anyone want a tin
of Canadian smoked mussels?

I think they use them
as a sex aid.

Really?

Well, um...

Will ya pick up a tin tomorrow?

Are you going prospecting
this weekend?

Yeah. Why?

Found a metal detector
under the bed.

Ah, yeah, yeah. It's Lotto's.

How much did it cost?

-600 bucks.
-600 bucks?!

Well, it's an investment.

You know, like shares,
except it's better.

Did you know Moon Choo
was a doctor?

A doctor. (Laughs)

She got a degree
or whatever in Shanghai

except it's not
recognised here.

Well, if she's so smart
what's she doing with Sue?

-Eh?
-Got a point there, hon.

TV: And Paul 'The Fat Man'
Vautin...

Hey. We bought
a metal detector today.

Oh? For goldmining?

Yeah, it's cool. Gonna be grouse
when I lose my car keys.

-How much you pay for it?
-Oh, you know, about 900 bucks.

That's a lot of money.

Oh, yeah, except, you know,
it's an investment.

It's like shares,
except it's better.

Well, Nasdaq dropped 30%
last six month.

Yeah, well, this thing's gonna
make us all rich little bunnies.

You go out
this weekend with boys?

Yeah, gotta try out
the new toy.

How about you stay with me
this weekend?

W-why?

So we be together.

No, I don't think so.

Oh. OK.

Oh, you know,
it's a bloke thing.

We've been doin' this for years.
We're mates, you know?

Moon Choo, you've gotta
understand.

It's not that we're mucking
around out there.

We're prospecting, you know?

It's like we're hunters
going on an expedition

and we're bringing back food
for the village.

Yeah, it's kind of,
you know, like, primitive.

Like apes.

Yeah.

Kind of.

Did she really call us apes?

Nah, she wasn't
trying to bag us.

She was trying to make
a medical point.

Mate! I don't think
it's working.

-Did you turn it on?
-Of course I turned it on.

-Is it on high?
-Yes. Yes, it's on high.

You gotta hold it
six inches off the ground.

That's the problem! It's only
five inches off the ground.

Why don't you try it, dickhead?

SUE: Means I gotta
get up, you tool.

WOOKIE: Have a go.

Right.

-Did ya turn it on?
-Oh, fuck you!

Set the switch to high?
(Laughs)

I said, "Fuck you."

Did you charge the batteries?

You gotta charge the batteries,
mate.

Didn't you read
the instructions?

Let's grab a beer.

-( RACE COMMENTARY )
-LOTTO: Come on!

Come on!

RADIO: This'll be the day
for 'Helen Gin',

well clear of
'Flamingo Princess'

and 'Have a Go You Mug'.

Ssss... Get up! Ssss...

Oh, Helen Gin's stumbled
and come crashing down.

Flamingo Princess
takes the front...

SUE: Alright.
Time to splash the boots.

Thank you.

Yeah, well, this is why
we need an outside dunny.

We've got the biggest toilet
in the world out there, mate.

Yeah, I get embarrassed.

What's that?
In case a possum sees ya?

Possums have feelings too,
you know.

(Urinates)

SUE: How much I owe you
for that thing?

Don't worry about it,
it's on Visa.

I'll let you know
when I get the bill.

-Thanks, mate.
-But no more cheques, though.

Last three bounced.

Yeah, that's the bank's fault.

Was three different banks.

They're all bastards,
aren't they?

Being harsh, mate.

-( DETECTOR BEEPS )
-Found somethin'.

What is it?

A nail.

Great. 900 bucks
and all we've found

is two ring-pulls, four nails

and a tooth
with a silver filling in it.

-Amalgam.
-What?

It's not silver, it's amalgam.

-Don't you go to the dentist?
-Nah.

Look forward
to when they drop out

so I don't have to clean 'em.

-( DETECTOR BEEPS )
-Found somethin' else!

-What is it, Wook?
-It's another nail.

Great investment.

If we find any more nails
we can open up a hardware shop.

What's that on your boot?

Oh. Probably possum shit.

Jesus, mate, that's gold.
Where've you been?

I went for a leak.

Sue, this might hurt.
Think really hard.

-Where did ya go?
-Hmm.

WOOKIE: Was it a big leak
or a little leak?

SUE: How is that relevant?

Did you go behind
a tree or somethin'?

There was a tree, actually,
and a bird up in the tree.

(Bird squawks)

(Sighs and resumes urinating)

(Bird squawks
in a chatty manner)

Hmm?

( WONDROUS MUSIC )

Did you have mushrooms
for breakfast?

It was beautiful. It sang to me.

-What sort of bird was it?
-A cockatoo.

-A white cockatoo.
-Cockatoos don't sing.

-They screech.
-It sang to me.

You had a leak
and saw a cock or two?

-Hey, that's funny.
-Thank you.

Come on, let's have a look.

There might be a nest
around here or somethin'.

( INTREPID MUSIC )

Why would you follow
a singing bird, eh?

Just makes no sense.

Well, if we didn't
follow the bird,

we wouldn't have
found the gold.

We haven't found gold.

We've found three specks
on your boot.

Same thing. That bird was
an omen, like a voice from God.

A voice from God.

-Next time God speaks...
-Wookie...

..ask him to be more specific,
know what I'm sayin'?

Ask him to choose something
other than a singing bird.

-Wooks...
-Actually, like a kangaroo...

..with bloody English
as a second language.

-Or a wombat with a mobile.
-Wookie...

Now, that's an omen.

( WONDROUS MUSIC )

SUE: What is it?

WOOKIE: What's wrong?

-Come here.
-Keep away. Keep away.

Tell us what it is. What is it?

It's gold.

The whole thing there...

..is one big chunk of gold.

-Shit!
-It's a nugget.

(Shouts) Yeah!

SUE: We're rich! We're rich!

Sshh!

Shut up! Idiots.

If the others find out it will
be like feeding time at the zoo.

Shh. Just stay calm, alright?

We'll come back tonight
and pick it up.

Just...play it down.

Play it down.

Real cas', OK?

I was hoping for
an early night.

-SUE: Did you see that sunbeam?
-What about it?

-Wasn't it weird?
-You know what that's from?

Bloody nuclear testing
in the Pacific, I kid you not.

-Oh, no.
-No?

No, the heavens opened up and
pointed the way to the gold.

It was the finger of God.

-WOOKIE: The finger of God?
-Yeah.

Sounds like when there's a
cloud, it's the bum of Buddha,

but when it rains it's...

LOTTO: Someone's coming.

MAN: How are you boys?

Oh, shit. Ratner.

Jeez, it's cold, isn't it?
Freeze the retreads off a 180B.

(All laugh)

-What you doing there?
-Here?

Burying our dog.

I didn't know you had a dog.

LOTTO: Well, we don't
bring him up much, do we?

Thought it'd be a good idea
bringing him up

because he's been crook
for a little while

and thought he could do
with some fresh air, but...

-She didn't like fresh air.
-No. Died of pneumonia.

(Laughs)

You're obviously in mourning.
What sort of dog was it?

-Er, it's a terrier.
-Shepherd.

Yeah, one of those
Tepid sherrier things.

I like the German shepherds.
They are good dogs.

-ALL: They are.
-They're good.

Oh, sorry to interrupt you
in such a private moment.

I'll leave you to it, shall I?

-No worries.
-Right.

By the way, er, this poor lost
pooch, was it a he or a she?

How do you mean?

Well, you called it a he
and Glen called it a she.

Well, it's...well, it was a...
(Pretends to sneeze) A SHE!

What was that?

(Pretends to sneeze) A SHE!

Yeah, right, well, er, may
'A SHE' rest in peace then, eh?

Thank you.

-(Laughs)
-Yeah.

( DRAMATIC MUSIC )

-Oh.
-Do you want a hanky, mate?

Let's get out of here quick.

RATNER: Jurgen, did you see
that metal detector?

Why would you need
a metal detector to bury a dog?

Maybe the dog
died of lead poisoning?

And maybe
their dog don't die at all.

What you mean?
They bury the dog alive?

(Moans)

( 'RUN TO PARADISE' BY
THE CHOIRBOYS PLAYS ON RADIO )

And to think the girls reckon
we come out here

just to drink beer, eh?

We did.

Yeah, well,
that's not the point, is it?

Must've been that flash flood -

you know,
washed all the topsoil away.

Flash flood?
That's very biblical.

First, we had the flash flood,
then the singing bird,

and then the finger of God.

Then the bleeding nose.

The bleeding nose?

When I punch you
for being a dickhead.

SONG: ♪ That's right,
they had it all worked out

♪ You were young and blonde
and you could never do wrong

♪ That's right... ♪

(Changes radio frequencies)

What are you looking for?

I'm trying to find
the price of gold.

We'll have to start listening
to stock market reports, eh?

Yeah, we should start reading
that 'Financial Review' too.

Like, a five cent change
in the price of gold...

That could be the difference

between being millionaires
and multi-millionaires.

-(Laughs)
-Or billionaires.

Or multi-billionaires.
Or multi-multi-billionaires.

-Or trillionaires.
-Or multi-trillionaires.

Or mega-multi-zillionaires.

(All laugh)

♪ You don't want anyone
♪ Hold my head up

♪ You don't want anyone

♪ Don't tell me
this is paradise

♪ Open your eyes up... ♪

RATNER:
What do you make of that?

JURGEN: This dog a good digger.

-Big claws.
-The dog was never in that hole.

Then where did they bury it?

Just wonder
why they left at daybreak.

Never seen those blokes up
before lunchtime.

I had a dog once. He die.
I know the pain.

Holy shit, it's gold!

-LOTTO: What do we do?
-SUE: It'll be fine. Let's go.

He's right. We can't leave it.

People get kidnapped
from these places all the time.

What about one of us
stays with the nugget,

the others go inside,
order the food?

-How's that?
-Alright.

I'm not staying.
You always stuff up my order.

How do you stuff up
a burger with the lot?

You always get me beetroot.
I hate beetroot.

Alright, why don't we
cover it up,

then all three of us can go
inside, order whatever we want?

-Yeah, alright.
-Give us your jacket.

-No, give us your jacket.
-Yours is camouflage.

-But I'll get cold.
-We're going inside.

Girls, should we just use these?
What do you reckon?

( COUNTRY MUSIC
PLAYS ON RADIO )

-OK, youse paying all together?
-Yeah, pay together.

Right, that's three hamburgers
with the lot -

one no beetroot -

three large chips,
two Pepsis, a 7 Up.

That's, er...that's $14.80.

Oh, $2.40 short.

(All laugh)

-What's so funny?
-Well, we're, um...we're rich.

-You're $2.40 short.
-(Laughs) But we're rich.

Yeah, no, really rich.

Look, I know it doesn't
look like it, but we are rich.

It's just that, look out,
we're $2.40 short.

(All laugh)

You want this stuff or what?

Sorry, it's just
we're so rich that...

We could buy
two burgers each easy.

-With chips.
-(Laughs) Heaps of chips.

How about I just take these
two drinks back, eh?

Then we'll be sweet.

Where's the car, guys?

WOOKIE: I told you
this would happen, didn't I?

-I told you, didn't I?
-No.

People get kidnapped from
car parks like this all the time

and we go and leave

a multi-million dollar
gold nugget

in the back of a ute.

(Sarcastically) "Just put some
jackets on it, it'll be right."

Should have made it easier for
them and left the keys in it.

I think I did, didn't I?

Or we should have put
a neon sign on the roof saying,

"Steal me.
This one's a good one.

"The radio sucks
but there's gold in the back."

This really does put you two
into platinum dickhead status.

It's right over there, Wook.

Oh.

SONG: ♪ We're doing fine
in the lucky country... ♪

SUE: What are you doing
with your share?

I'm getting one of those radio
telescopes they use at NASA.

Oh, mate, you might find
an intelligent life form

in your living room. (Laughs)

That was funny.

-Yeah, thank you.
-Hmm.

What about you?

I'm buying one of those
home cinema outfits.

Big one. Watch a bit
of 'Grease' in Dolby stereo.

God, John Travolta's good.
You seen 'Battlefield Earth'?

No.

Man, it was much maligned,
unfairly so, I reckon.

What about you, Lotto?
What are you going to do?

I've always wanted
to get Cheryl a new car.

Maybe something
with airconditioning.

Get her one with
a push-button radio as well.

-Bucket seats, mate.
-Automatic transmission.

I've been thinking and I reckon

there's got to be
more gold back there.

There has to be.

So what are you thinking?

Well, what I'm thinking

is that we've been
clock punchers for too long.

Time we started thinking
like the big end of town.

SONG: ♪ ..making money. ♪

CHERYL: What the hell
are they doing?

-Why don't we just sell it?
-Who to? Wog the Jeweller's?

Cheryl, it's not that simple.

It's not like your grandma's
engagement ring.

That's not part
of the grand plan.

Alright,
what are you lot up to?

-Well, Lotto figures...
-Oh, this'll be good.

Lotto figured there's more gold
on those other leases.

-So?
-You're gonna rob them.

No. We keep this quiet
and we buy up the other leases.

-Buy up the leases?
-Yeah.

They don't know we've found
gold. They'll sell them cheap.

That's brilliant.

It's not brilliant,
it's the same as stealing.

It's not like stealing.

How do you think Murdoch made
all his millions?

You know,
or that Bill Gates guy?

Or Colonel Sanders?

They worked hard.

(Sarcastically)
"They worked hard."

(Slams door)

-Baz.
-LOTTO: Yo.

Can I have a word?

Sure, blossom.

What's this about
buying up the leases?

Oh, what's the problem?

Ripping off your mates,
that's the problem.

-How am I ripping them off?
-How much money do we need?

-You're missing the point here.
-Wookie, shut up.

Cheryl, we owe a motser
on the house,

right, we've got no savings,
we've got bugger-all super

and with Charlie, how else
are we going to get ahead?

This is our chance
to set ourselves up for good.

That's all well and good, but
not at other people's expense.

Big business do this all
the time. What's the difference?

I didn't marry big business,
I married Barry Harrison,

an honest man
who works on the roads.

You do this, Baz, you wear
the consequences, alright?

-Does that mean I can do it?
-Absolutely.

Yeah.

( WONDROUS MUSIC )

MAN: You see, a nugget
that big is a freak of nature.

They just don't make them
that size.

It was majestic.

It was like a big, dirty mirror.

You looked at it
and what you saw reflected

was the absolute essence
of yourself

that forced you to ask yourself
the big questions of life.

When they found that nugget

it was like the bush
had revealed a hidden secret

and brought it out into
the light for us all to see.

We were just tiny little ants
going about our business,

not realising
there's a big world out there,

beyond our reach,

beyond our comprehension.

LOTTO: We've got to get
a photo of this, boys.

-Is it straight?
-Yeah.

Oh, hang on. Hang on.

( CAMERA TIMER RUNS )

( CAMERA CLICKS )

Another one - I blinked.

You didn't blink.
You fell asleep.

-(Starts camera timer)
-Right.

( CAMERA CLICKS )

Watch the sleeping bag -
that's mine.

One, two and...
(Grunts with exertion)

It's getting dirty.

You know what? I reckon
we should weigh it first.

Good idea.

How are we going to weight it?

Take a look at that and tell me
how many times it spins around.

Alright.

-Ready?
-Yeah.

One, two...

(Both grunt with exertion)

Come on, baby, spin.

Er, that's two times round
plus 35 kilos.

OK, each time it goes around
is 120...120...

-275 kilos.
-275 kilos.

What's gold worth?
About 300 bucks an ounce?

Yeah, an ounce, yeah.

-How many ounces in a kilo?
-16.

-No, that's grams.
-BOTH: No, that's pounds.

-No, grams.
-No.

Oh, let's work it out later.

(All grunt with exertion)

Easy, easy. Hey, watch my foot.

Honey, listen to this.

Baz, Baz, I don't want
any part of this, alright?

No, no, no, no, listen.

It says here,
"The biggest nugget in the world

"was found at Hill End in 1872

"and it weighed 214 kilograms."

So?

Our nugget weighs 275 kilograms.

-275?
-Yeah, give or take.

Are you serious?

You know what it means?

It means that that nugget

that's sitting out there
in the backyard

is the biggest nugget
that's ever been found.

You're joking.

Means you can get a new car.

Really?

You can get a new garage
to put the new car in.

God.

You could get a new house
to put the new garage in.

God, Baz, we could move.

We could get a new street
to put the new house in

to put the new garage in
to put the new car in.

(Laughs)

You reckon
I could get a facial?

You could get a new face
to put the new facial on.

-(Laughs)
-Don't do that.

Your face is perfect how it is.

You reckon I could
get my nails done too, maybe?

(Both laugh)

( TENSE MUSIC )

( COMICAL MUSIC )

Doug!

Doug!

DOUG!

-What do you make of that?
-Mmm, looks like a birdbath.

I know it's a birdbath,
but since when are the Harrisons

taking an interest
in the local fauna?

DOUG: Maybe it's for washing
their smalls.

( WONDROUS MUSIC )

Jeez, we've never had
a new car before.

-They smell different.
-Do they?

-How do they smell?
-Like a new car.

I once took one for a test drive
just to smell it.

-CHERYL: Did you?
-(Laughs) Yeah.

(Cheryl laughs) You're a dag.

(Sniffs)

SALESMAN: Hmm.

Oh, cool, we're going to be in
the 'Guinness Book of Records'.

We're going to be famous.

You know, if I had a choice
between rich or famous

I'd definitely choose rich.

Yeah, no contest there.

Thank you,
linesmen and ball boy.

Or just famous, well,
that's a problem.

Yeah, I've been there.

Except you could make money
off your name.

You could do dog food
commercials, things like that.

Yeah? I was famous.

No-one offered me
a dog food commercial.

Yeah, but you swallowed
a severed finger in a meat pie.

Kind of limits
your marketing potential.

I don't know. Could have done,
like, a toothpaste ad.

Hey, guys, check this out.

There's two leases
that border ours.

One's owned by Ratner,

the other's owned by that old
guy, Wally - been there forever.

But look at this.

They've both got ridges
that run down to the creek,

which means they've both
probably got gold on them.

What's this? A CWA meeting?

Come on, boys, back to work.
Tea break's over.

Don't bag the Country Women's
Association, George.

They make a mean lamington.

I'll bag you blokes
if you don't move. Come on.

I'm right, thanks, George.
I'm gonna finish my coffee.

Oh, pardon me. Is there
anything else you want?

A few more bickies?
That'd be lovely, George.

Get us some chocolate ones
with the cream centres.

-Got any Tim Tams?
-Come on, or I'll dock your pay.

-Oh, you're being harsh now.
-SUE: Yeah, I feel like a nap.

Me too. Bugger off, George.
We're getting some shut-eye.

I beg your pardon.

Piss off, you little shit.

What did you say?

He...he's just saying

you've got bad breath
and you fart in the car.

What?

I wouldn't let him talk to you
like that, George, you poofter.

OK, that does it.

If you're not at work in
30 seconds you're out of a job.

George, I don't like your tone.

You don't get the best
out of the troops.

Yeah, you're no fun anymore,
George.

I mean it. 30 seconds.

Let's go grab a beer, eh?

-Yep.
-Yes.

See you later, George.
Have a good one.

Cheers, mate.

Guys!

Price check on 85-gram can
of Canadian smoked mussels.

Excuse me, mate,
family business.

-Can you ring these up?
-What do you want these for?

We're going to do some maths.

-Why aren't you at work?
-We quit.

(Laughs) $4.95.

-Er, you good for it?
-Yeah, I'll fix it up later.

See you tonight.

'Bye.

Price check on blue rope.

Fuck this.

Alright, number of ounces
in a kilogram?

Uh, 35.274.

The weight of the nugget
was what?

275 kilos.

Price of gold, is that in there?

Yeah, it's $315 an ounce.
In US dollars.

How many Australian dollars
in a US dollar?

-Uh, that's 0.48 at the moment.
-Oh, bloody bodgy currency.

Luce, can we work this out
on your till?

Yeah, sure thing, love.

Alright, what we're gonna do
is convert kilos to ounces,

so divide 275...

Hang on.
Shouldn't you multiply?

What?

If you're converting imperial
to metric, you divide,

but if converting metric
to imperial, you multiply.

-Which is imperial?
-Well, ounces.

OK, so multiply by 35.274

and we've got to multiply that
by the price of gold,

which was how much
per ounce - 315?

And we've got to convert that
to Australian dollars

from US dollars,
so multiply that by 0.48.

No, that depends
on when you sell,

because the balance of payments
figures are out next week

and the current account deficit

could well be larger
than market estimates

given the surge
in the resources sector,

so our dollar could strengthen
against the greenback,

although copper's dropping
at the London Metal Exchange

and Texas crude is rising per
barrel which will affect it too

so if I were you,
I would factor in 0.55,

but I would seriously consider
a hedge.

-OK, so you divide.
-What?

If you convert US to Australian
dollars, you've got to divide.

-LOTTO: But we're both metric.
-Yeah, but you still divide.

Alright, Einstein.
Luce, divide by 0.48.

The grand total
is how much, Luce?

(Sighs) $6,376,987.00.

And that'll be $6.80
for the drinks, boys.

-Ah, shit.
-(Whispers) $6 million.

-Oh, my God.
-Shit.

-How much is that each?
-Two mill each.

-Shit!
-Two million!

-I'll get the drinks.
-Nuh, I'll get them!

His shout, his shout!
First time!

This calls for a celebration,
boys. What should we do?

-Get takeaway.
-Buy a slab?

No, we should
do something special.

We should do something
really special.

(Woman laughs)

SUE: Oh, show them
how to use them.

It's easy to use chopsticks,
mate. It's basic.

(All laugh)

Alright, look at you,
you natural!

Open your thumb
and put it here.

Well, OK. You want this?
Look at that - fork, eating.

It's good.

Excuse me, mate, can we get

another of those
Mongolian hotpots?

-No problem.
-(All talk at once)

Oi, listen up.
(Swishes drink with chopsticks)

I just want to
mark this occasion

'cause some people
reckon they're rich

when they buy a Mercedes-Benz
or a waterfront mansion

or a Lear jet or something.

Well, we just ordered
the second Mongolian hotpot

and that says to me,
we've made it.

-What do you reckon, fellas?
-ALL: Yeah, cheers!

( TRIUMPHANT MUSIC )

SUE: There you go.

-DARLENE: 'Night!
-Good night, eh?

First time I've had a feed
and not worried about the bill!

That's 'cause I paid,
you tightarse!

Oh, yeah! Could've
given them a cheque.

-(Wookie laughs) See ya!
-See ya!

( GENTLE MUSIC )

CHERYL:
Jeez, that was nice, wasn't it?

First time I've been
to a restaurant

where the serviettes
weren't paper.

-LOTTO: Service was good too.
-Yeah.

LOTTO: I gave that guy a tip.
Two bucks.

Should've seen his face!

CHERYL: You go get Charlie
and I'll put the kettle on, OK?

LOTTO: OK.

I don't have to go to work.

(Chuckles) I don't
have to go to work!

I don't have to get up.

I could go to the pub,
just stay there all day.

Whatever I want.

No, you can't.
You're coming to the bank.

We've got to sign some papers.

-What for? What sort of papers?
-Mortgage papers.

In case you hadn't noticed,
Mr $4-million-man,

we don't have any money,

especially now,

seeing as how you're
so gloriously unemployed.

We're going to
refinance the house.

Darlene's doing the same thing.

Come on! Do we have to
bother with that?

We'll be rolling it in
in a few weeks time. Really!

In a few weeks time, Charlie
would have died of starvation,

so yes, we do have to
worry about it.

Come on, get up! Put on a tie.
That's a nice one.

Bank managers like ties.
There you go.

-Come on! Get up!
-(Muffled) Ahh!

-You remember the lease?
-What lease?

The lease for the mine.

Yeah, what about it?

You ought to have a read.

What for?

-You don't remember?
-No.

Lotto was away. You signed it.
Look down the bottom.

The whole thing's in your name.

What, the lease?

The lease is in your name,
Glen.

So...

Anything found on that lease
is technically yours.

Or ours, seeing as
how we're married.

So, that nugget...

So, that nugget's ours, hon.

(Alex Lloyd sings)
♪ Beat the mundane... ♪

Oh, my goodness -
Mr and Mrs Cook on their hols.

Oh, they're weird, those two.

This puts me right off
pineapple rings.

Hmm, it's good to see
they've graduated to fruit.

-Oh, Mr Roberts?
-Hmm?

Take a gander.

( QUIRKY SUSPENSE MUSIC )

Couldn't be!

WOOKIE: We're wasting
our time, fellas.

-Ratner won't sell.
-LOTTO: Course he'd sell.

He'd sell his mother
for the right price.

(Dog whines)

WOOKIE: Oop, careful.

SUE: Yeah, good guard dog,
that one - rip your head off.

Leyland P76.

I don't care if your grandma's

had it wrapped in sanitary pads
for the last 30 years.

I'm not paying 500 bucks!

She'll come back.
What can I do for you boys?

Need new shockers
for your heap of shit, Bazza?

No, we're here to make you
a business proposition, Ratner.

Deal of a lifetime.

I'm not buying that junk.
Couldn't give it to me.

No, no, not talking about cars.

Talking about your plot
down at the creek.

-My plot?
-Yeah, your mining lease.

We want to buy it.

How come?

-We want to plant a vineyard.
-Hmm.

-A vineyard?
-Big money in wine these days.

-Yeah.
-Hmm.

Had you pegged
for a beer man, Bazza.

Don't have to drink it
to grow it.

I wear woollen underpants,
but I don't grow sheep, do I?

Anyway, think about it. Good
opportunity for some quick cash.

It's not like you'll make money
mining gold, are you, really?

(Laughs forcefully) Yes.

( QUIRKY SUSPENSE MUSIC )

Sorry about that, mate.
Now, where were we?

So what's your final price?

This baby owes me a quarter
of a mill, not a penny less.

You want me to start
kicking its tyres, Bubba?

Listen to me. This is low grade.

You melt this down,
you burn off all this shit,

you get more gold
out of this, my friend.

100 grand cash.

It's the best offer you'll get,
except maybe from Bunny.

(Laughs)

-(Bird squawks)
-Hello, Gabby.

Where did he find
the nugget, eh?

Easy.

You see, Ratner was, by nature,
a bottom feeder, a scavenger.

Clap your eyes on that.

He was stupid
but he wasn't dumb.

He figured the gang
had scored big-time,

so he followed them
back to town,

took a peek while they
were having a bite...

( REVERENT MUSIC )

..decided he'd bide his time
till they could steal it clean.

Then they just waited.

( DRAMATIC MUSIC )

-ALL: Cheers!
-Here's to hotpot.

So, on the very night

when they felt rich enough
to order two Mongolian hotpots,

the nugget was taken.

Bring it in!

Take it over
the back passage there.

Meanwhile, the gang
and their respectives

started to live like
mega-multi-zillionaires.

SONG: ♪ All this money
is a bitch, girl... ♪

They all spent
and spent and spent,

all on borrowed coin.

Hey, honey! This
surround sound's unbelievable.

I was watching
'Erin Brockovich' -

that one with Julia Roberts -
I swear I heard her fart.

-Yeah, it's good, darl.
-I'm just going for a drive, OK?

-What for?
-To smell.

-To what?
-To smell.

Honey, you know
you can smell in here.

Forget about it.
See you later. 'Bye.

(Turns ignition on)

( GENTLE MUSIC )

Mmm.

Glen!

Have you done anything
about that lease yet, Glen?

Not yet, darl.

Well, are you gonna, or what?

Yeah, I guess so.
When the time's right.

Well, the time's right, hon.
Look at this.

It's our Visa bill.
We're over our limit.

The bank phoned yesterday

and said we've exhausted
the funds

on that line of credit thingy
that we've got on the house.

-Mm-hm.
-So, what will you do about it?

What do you want me
to do about it?

Show them the lease,

tell them that nugget's yours
and you want it back.

And then what?

Then we take it to Wog the
Jeweller and get some dough.

IKEA's got a sale on soon.

You married champagne, hon,
you didn't marry beer.

MAN: This looks
dinky-di, alright.

You think it's something
the 'Tribune' can run?

Yeah, this is a great story!

This is not just
a national story,

it's major worldwide
syndication -

CNN, NBC, BBC.

-'Who Weekly'?
-Probably.

Whoo.

Either way,
it'll put us on the map.

Be a huge boost
for the town, Derek -

that's all I'm thinking.

Give the old 'Tribune'
a shot in the arm too.

So, what do you want me
to do here, Arthur?

If I publish this,
we have an ethical dilemma.

I take it you don't
have their permission.

Oh, well, I think
in this instance

we should slip our ethics
under a tea-cosy, Derek.

For the good of the town.

MAN: Hey, fellas.

WALLY: That weekend,

it being the Easter long weekend
as I recall,

the Black Tar Gang
hit the valley with their scheme

to buy up all the leases.

They went from plot to plot,

every digger along the creek,

every townie and every pro.

But no-one would sell.

-Now, let me run this, OK?
-Yep.

This bloke holds lots of sway
here. If he sells, others will.

-Right.
-Right.

So, it was only a matter of time
before they came to me.

( SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC )

Alright, I'll sell.

You'll what?

You want me to sell, right?

Well, yeah.

So youse can find more gold.

What do you mean?

Look, don't play games
with me, boys.

You want to buy me out or what?

-Well, yeah.
-Mmm.

OK.

It'll cost you the life of
the person you love most dearly.

Mate, what do you mean by that?

The papers are there
on the table.

I've signed my bit.

Can we go back to that stuff
about the life of the...

Person you love most dearly.
That's me price.

You're joking, right?

Of course.

(Laughs hysterically)

Well, we'll get back to you.

( TENSE MUSIC )

( DOOR CLOSES )

(Breathes harshly)

There a price on this thing?

You heard him. "The life
of the person you love most."

Oh, come on. It was a joke.

I dunno.
He had an aura about him.

-Aura? What is an aura?
-It's like a vibe.

It's like he's some kind of
guardian angel or something.

WOOKIE: I must be blind, 'cause
I missed the wings and halo.

Can we just sign this
and get it over with?

I dunno. Something's not right.

Let's not jump into this.

( ENGINE SPUTTERS )

-LOTTO: What's going on?
-MAN: John Ryan, WIN TV.

Could you tell us
about the nugget?

SUE: What,
like a chicken nugget?

JOHN: It's in the paper.
Surely you're not denying it?

SUE: You interviewed me
about the finger in the pie!

-WOMAN: Barry...
-LOTTO: Nup, nup.

-No, thanks.
-G'day, Mum, g'day, Dad!

(Reporters talk indistinctly)

LOTTO: What the hell's going on?

CHERYL: Looks like you've
made the front page -

'World's Biggest Nugget
Found in Backyard.'

WOOKIE: Can I have a look? Oh,
they've spelt my name wrong!

LOTTO: Who's that
in the backyard?

Righto, you blokes, out of here!

Go on, piss off.
Take your cameras.

-Go - you're trespassing!
-MAN: Come on, let's have...

-No photos. Out!
-MAN: Come on, mate...

Got no respect, you idiots.

MAN: Barry, give us a shot,
will you?

Well, don't know how the
bloody hell movie stars feel.

CHERYL: Oh, here you go, Baz.
Happy Easter.

Oh, thanks, blossom.

They didn't have
any Humpty Dumptys left.

-Morning, Glen.
-Morning.

Hey, Darls. Want a cuppa?
The kettle's on.

Won't be staying long, thanks,
Chez. You told them, Glen?

-No.
-Told us what? What's wrong?

This is what's wrong.

-What's that?
-The mining lease for the plot.

What's the problem?

It's signed in Glen's name,
Bazza. That's the problem.

All these years,
you've been mining our land.

Your land? What the hell
are you talking about?

-Blossom...
-We've got legal advice.

The lawyer says
technically speaking

anything found on that land
is our property

seeing as the lease
is in our name.

Hang on. So you're saying
that nugget is yours?

You always were fast
on the uptake, Chez.

Yes, it's ours
and we want it back.

You cannot be serious.

All we're doing is claiming
what's rightfully ours.

Is this true, Wook?

Otherwise we bring in the
lawyers and things get nasty.

Be a shame
to bust up a friendship.

I'll go get Sue.
He's a part of this.

It's got nothing
to do with him.

Why don't you just shut your
trap, you greedy little slut?

Baz, go get Sue.

What did you call me?

SUE: It's not the point
whether it's legal or not.

We agreed if we found something
we'd split it three ways.

Come on, guys, we shook hands.

A handshake means nothing.

It's what's in a contract
that counts.

What about you, Wookie?
You gonna say something?

-What do you think?
-Yeah, Glen. Speak up.

Darlene's right. It's what's
in a contract that counts.

Never thought I'd hear you
say that, mate.

This is bullshit!

Get out of my way!

I'll dig this thing up myself.

-Over my dead body, you bitch!
-What are you doing? Ahh!

-Doug, quick, get the video!
-Let me go!

-You're not so tough now!
-Oh, useless bugger!

Who do you think you are?

-Aren't you gonna do something?
-Yeah, I'm gonna do something.

-You want this lease, do ya?
-Yeah.

-Ow!
-(Women grunt and groan)

You bastard, hey!

DARLENE: Ow!

Stuff the lot of youse.
Come on.

Hey, want a piece?!

-Want some of this, eh? Yeah?
-Yeah?

Come on!

(All yell and scuffle)

-DARLENE: What's that?!
-(All pant)

( MYSTERIOUS MUSIC )

LOTTO: Where's the shovel?

( QUIRKY SUSPENSE MUSIC )

It's a dog's paw.

( SHOVEL CLANGS
AGAINST METAL )

Ugh.

It's a shepherd.

( FLIES BUZZ )

Ugh, it's a terrier.

Ratner!

(Wally chuckles) Yeah, OK,
it was a pretty sick joke

to put two dead dogs in there,

but they didn't call him
King Rat for no reason.

RATNER: G'day.

He put the word out
he needed two dogs -

a shepherd and a terrier.

A few days later,
that's what he got.

-That's a terrier, right?
-Yeah.

Check it.

-No, Bubba, please.
-Check it.

(Whimpers)

(Laughs) Good one.

OK, pass that one over.

Jurgen.

-No, Bubba...
-Check the bag, Jurgen!

( SINISTER MUSIC )

(Whimpers loudly and sniffs)

(Laughs)

You done good, boys.

There you go.

You can nick off now.

If you thought
two dead dogs was ugly,

what Ratner did to that nugget
was even uglier.

He figured this rock -
this most noble of rocks -

needed some cosmetic surgery

so he could hide it
more easily.

( CRUSHING AND CREAKING )

-That's all you're getting...
-Excuse me, love.

Jesus! Let go of me,
you mongrel!

Arrggh! Let go of my ear!

-Where is it?
-Where's what?

The nugget!

The nugget you stole off us,
you dirty little prick!

Oh, you mean the gold nugget.
So there is gold up there?

That's why you were trying
to get my land and rip me off!

Me trying to rip you off?

A winery - you wouldn't
know the difference

between red and white!

I'm gonna call the cops, Ratner.

Go ahead, mate. I've got
nothing to hide. Look around!

I must say, I am
a little personally upset

that you'd think ill of me,
mate.

(Laughs) Hey, Baz...

(Pretends to sneeze) A she!

(Ratner laughs)

A she! (Laughs)

(Sighs)

God will kick you
for those dogs.

He will kick you hard
and in a soft place.

No, no, Jurgen, God loves me.

That's why he made me
so adorable.

(Laughs, wheezes and coughs)

Bazza! Hair of the dog, mate.

WALLY: The publicity
not only made the gang

the laughing stock of the town,

but it also
got Dimitri thinking.

( QUIRKY MUSIC )

Dimitri started to figure

that Ratner hadn't been
exactly honest with him.

And Dimitri, being of
Eastern European descent,

took honesty very seriously.

Dimitri owned the joint.

He also owned Peppi's Pizza
Parlour around the corner...

..and Neptune's fish and chips
shop up the street.

Dimitri had done well,

even despite
a couple of near-deaths

from salmonella poisoning -

later attributed
to his battered savs.

Dimitri also owned
the local jewellery store,

probably because
he liked gold chains so much.

So when Ratner was looking
to unload the nugget,

Dimitri was the first person
he turned to,

seeing as how Wog the Jeweller's
was the only game in town,

and also 'cause he'd introduced
Ratner to his fiancee, Bunny.

You see, Dimitri also owned

the town's one and only
massage parlour.

And Bunny was his top masseuse.

You've got to do something
about the oil, Dimi.

The girls are complaining
about the taste of the canola.

Jesus Christ, Coco, do they
want extra virgin olive oil?

Give me a break!

-Hey, Bubba! How are you doing?
-Bubba!

It was a commercial arrangement
at first.

Honey!

But love soon blossomed -

even though Bunny
continued to work nights.

I got the wedding invites back
from the printers.

-They're real nice.
-You're lovely.

Sit down, I'll get you a drink.

So what's up, Dimitri?
You gonna up the ante, are you?

Well, I've been thinking about
your good fortune, Bubba.

I'm thinking you and me
should combine resources.

(Laughs wheezily)

No offence, mate, but what
resources have you got

that I might be interested in?

Apart from the obvious,
of course.

-Mmm.
-(Dimitri chuckles)

DIMITRI: Well, er, I've been
reading the paper, see?

And I read how three men in town
find this nugget,

then three men in town
lose a nugget.

So I figured if you're trying to
sell this nugget

in the current climate,

you'll have to be a bit
discreet, you know what I mean?

Nah, I don't know
what you mean.

Call a wog a wog, Dimitri.

Well, what I'm trying to say is,
I'm in the trade.

I could be like an agent.

Take some of the heat,
a bit of the risk.

And what would you get
out of this?

The sheer pleasure of seeing
you become rich, my friend.

(Chuckles)

Oh, I might take a small
commission, you know?

Just to cover costs, that's all.

And, er, how small
would small be?

30%.

(Laughs) Piss off!

(Sighs) Think about it, Bubba.

I know the right people. I could
get heaps more for it than you.

Three or four times as much.

What's 30% in the whole scheme
of things, eh?

(Bunny whispers)
Go on, take it.

Yeah. OK.

-(Giggles)
-You're on. Right.

Drinks are on the house
tonight, Bubba.

WALLY: And so this union
was struck

between the scavenger
and the pimp.

Might even think about givin'
your missus here an early mark.

-How's that, eh?
-(Clears throat)

-Prick.
-He's just doing his job, Darl.

-DARLENE: I think he stole it.
-You think who stole what?

Take that tone
out of your voice.

Take that drink out
of your hands.

-It's still breakfast.
-We had breakfast an hour ago!

I know. The dishes
are still in the sink.

Well, go clean 'em.

I think Lotto and Cheryl
dug that nugget up themselves,

and now they've
got it hidden somewhere.

Somehow, I don't think
Lotto would do that.

That story about Ratner
was just a ploy

to divert everyone's attention
from what they really done.

Why would they be talking
about selling their house, eh?

Because they're probably
moving to the Gold Coast,

you dope, that's why!

-You really believe that.
-Course I do.

I wouldn't put ANYTHING
past those two.

Well, let's just worry
about our own shit, eh?

Yeah, like what?

Like we've got six weeks to
sell our house in a slow market.

Your fault.

I can't go to the pub -
everyone laughs at me.

Big deal!

I can't get a job because
I told my boss to bugger off.

Moron!

And my two best mates think I'm
lower than a snake's bumhole.

-Yeah, SOME mates!
-Leave them alone.

Alright?

Just...just leave them alone.

I think you're turning homo,
Glen.

( DOOR SHUTS )

TV: Here at Parramatta Stadium,

it's the Eels
for the latest...

Have you thought about
getting another job, Baz?

You know how hard it is
to get a job here, love.

Why'd you quit?
You loved that job.

I didn't love it.

Did it 'cause I had to.

Something you women
don't understand.

We women?

Well, Baz, we women
understand this.

We got more bills here
than money in the bank.

And we've maxed out
on our mortgage.

So it's only time before
they foreclose on us

like they've done with
your little cretin friend.

He's not a cretin.
He's confused - isn't he?

Whatever, Baz.

Look, it's time
you went on the dole.

Dole? I'm not going on the dole.
Never been on the dole.

I'm not about to, thanks.

OK, fine, you just keep
your precious pride.

We'll just all starve then,
will we?

Anyway, I'm gonna go out
to the creek this weekend

with a metal detector.

(Sighs) Bloody metal detector!

900 bucks! How the hell
are we gonna pay for that, huh?

Ugh.

Be gentle with that, hey?

Yeah, another one of your
great investments, Baz -

authentic Persian rug.

How much did this cost us -
two grand?

Worth more than your stupid
Lady Di memorial beer mug.

Well, she died, didn't she?
Huh?

Look at 'em.
Picking over our bones.

So-called mates.

You guys right or what?

-We're right.
-Yeah, where's your toaster?

Are you selling your VHS?

That's a four-headed one.
Mate, I'll swap you.

Ah, no, mate,
that's a six-head.

-Oh, six-head!
-You guys serious or what?

Yeah, look, six-head.

Right, well, I'll tell you
what I'll do.

I'll reverse the ute up.

We'll put everything
in the back,

all this stuff on the lawn.

And you can take it,
the ute, the shit.

Have it - for nothing.

Oh, well, that's not necessary,
mate.

( BIRDS CHIRP )

-Do you like that, Sue?
-Not really.

-Have it.
-I don't want it.

-For you, mate. That's yours.
-Now you're being stupid.

-Who wanted the toaster?
-Yeah, I was interested.

No charge for this stuff, boys.
Just take it.

I don't want your money.

Sue, what about
something useful?

-Nah...
-How about an exercise bike?

We're just trying
to help you out.

Trying to help me, mate?

You're helping yourself,
you tightarse.

Bloody look at yourselves!

All because you wanna be
Rupert fucking Murdochs!

Well, if you're gonna
carry on like dickheads,

do it out on the street,
not in my front yard, alright?

Jesus!

Let's go grab a beer, eh?

Yeah.

(Sighs) I'm sorry, fellas.

Me eyes got too big
for me tummy.

We shook hands.

Yeah, I'm sorry too, guys.

If we'd just sold the bloody
thing instead of being clever,

we'd be right now.

-I'm sorry too.
-Why?

For hanging around
with you dickheads.

Been thinking,
Ratner's got the nugget, right?

So he's gonna have to
try and find a buyer.

I guess so.

So what if we buy it?

With what?
Proceeds from your garage sale?

-Haha, that was funny.
-Thank you.

Hey, do you reckon your missus
would do us a favour?

( PHONE RINGS )

-Hello?
-WOMAN WITH ACCENT: Hello.

-Is that Ratner Spare Part?
-Yeah, who's this?

My name is...Sang Choy Bow.
I phone from Hong Kong.

You hear me OK?

Sure. What do you want,
sweetheart?

I read on Internet
you find big nugget.

RATNER: Great news travels fast.

MOON CHOO: We have many shop
here in Hong Kong.

We buy, sell gold. You maybe
want to sell this nugget?

Yeah, but hurry up. There's a
lot of interest in this mother.

You sell your mother too?

(Laughs) At the right price,
yeah.

There's too much MSG, Jack.

They're bouncing off
the bloody walls.

What was that?

Oh, Australian tourist
just come into my shop.

You Aussies have big mouths
AND big nuggets.

We got big everything,
sweetheart.

-(Mutters) And big belly too.
-(Laughs) What?

I-I come see nugget. We talk.

OK, I go straight
to airport now. Bye-bye.

'Bye.

(Sighs)

World's biggest nugget,
eh, boys?

Very funny. You crack me up.

Yeah, well, wait till
we get it back, Dimitri.

That'll be even funnier, haha.

SUE: Yeah, we know who stole it.

LOTTO: We'll take
this one, mate.

No, no, Lotto.
I'm getting this one.

Put it away.

LOTTO: Never know, Dimitri -

might be back here in a couple
of days to do some business, eh?

WALLY: And so the Black Tar Gang
began their scheme

to get the nugget back.

( PERCUSSIVE MUSIC )

And Moon Choo - who was
in fact a doctor from Shanghai,

even though they didn't
recognise it here -

went to battle
to keep their dreams alive.

( PERCUSSIVE MUSIC INTENSIFIES )

-( GONG SOUNDS )
-Mr Ratner?

-Uh, friends call me Bubba.
-Then I call you Bubba.

Ooh, you very handsome man,
Bubba.

You didn't tell me
on the telephone!

Must've forgot. Sorry.

(Laughs) Maybe we have a drink,
eh? Long flight.

Then we talk about business.

-OK?
-Bloody oath.

OK. (Giggles)

-There you go.
-Oh, thank you.

Uh, no, no, no, Bubba.
You sit here.

-(Giggles)
-(Ratner chuckles)

So you have big nugget?

Big? It's bloody huge.

HUGE nugget.

Oh, you lucky man, Bubba.

Play your cards right, it could
all be yours, sweetheart.

Oh, so where is it,
this huge nugget?

I think I might need
to see some ID.

I mean, you know,
you could be anyone.

-Of course, you're not.
-Of course.

-You know...
-Yes. (Giggles)

A lot of people around town
think I'm dumb as a dipstick,

but you gotta be smart
to run a joint like this.

( QUIRKY MUSIC )

Here... My shop just there.

-Oh, very impressive.
-Very good.

Oh, well, thanks.

Now, the nugget. Can I see?

Sure.

(Chuckles) Up you get. Come on.

There you go.

Clap your eyes on that.

Ah, photo on Internet
look different.

Yeah, we did
a bit of repackaging.

Oh.

-You mind?
-No, be my guest.

( QUIRKY MUSIC CONTINUES )

24 carat.

-You very lucky man, Bubba.
-(Chuckles)

Jesus, Jurgen. What happened
to you? You look like shit.

God is vengeful.

Good.

For a moment, I thought you'd
eaten one of my battered savs.

So, how much do you reckon
it might be worth?

(Giggles) We talk...
tonight at dinner.

Then we come back here.
We do deal.

Then after we do a deal,
we talk some more, OK?

-Mm.
-OK, I go now.

See you tonight.
At the Grill, eight o'clock?

Yes? OK, goodbye.

( MUSIC INTENSIFIES )

Ah! There you are.

Dimitri. Don't recall your name
in the appointment book.

What do you want?

Is that how you greet
a business partner?

I come to bring you warning,
my friend.

Lotto and the boys said they're
gonna get the nugget back.

Yeah, well,
they better hurry up.

Why?

If you're doing a deal behind
my back, Ratner, I swear...

No, mate, we're partners,
remember?

Look, there it is. You happy?

What happened to it?

Oh, come on, cappuccino
or short black,

it's still fucking coffee,
isn't it?

Now, thanks for the tip-off,
but I've got work to do.

WALLY: What they both
didn't realise, though,

was that the nugget
had been hurt.

Badly hurt.

You can't crush
something noble like that

without it wanting
to fight back.

The nugget was just waiting
for its chance

to cut loose.

( MAGICAL MUSIC )

Honey, don't wait up for me
tonight.

It's not right, Baz.
It's breaking the law.

Nah, we're just getting back
what's ours, honey, that's all.

Yeah, well, I don't wanna
hear that in court.

Yeah, well, I don't want
the bank to take our house away.

Oh, come here.

I never wanted nothing.
You know that, Baz.

I mean, I got caught up in all
this, the same as you blokes.

But we've got everything
we need - you, me, Charlie.

Fit and happy.

It's all we need.

What about a facial?

-Wouldn't mind a facial.
-Yeah.

(Laughs)

-I'll see you later on.
-OK.

Now, make sure
no-one else sees you, OK?

'Cause if you're recognised,
it's all over.

-I got table right at the back.
-Oh, good. Good.

How do I look?

Oh, you look great.

(Moon Choo laughs)

-Oh, are you trembling?
-Yeah.

I don't know if I like my wife
going out on a date.

You're not going anywhere,
Glen,

until you tell me
what's going on.

I'm just going out
with my mates. Alright?

You really do prefer them
to me, don't you?

They don't judge me.

We're going out tonight

and we're gonna try
and get the nugget back.

If we do, we are gonna split it
three ways like we agreed.

I shook hands.

I gave my word.

I don't give a stuff
about lawyers or about leases

or any of that shit.

My word is my word
and my mates are my mates.

Righto, how do we get in?

I thought you had a key.

Well, I had a key
but I had to give it back.

I thought you had one.
No, had to give mine back too.

Yeah, I had to
give mine back too.

But I didn't.

Step aside, mate.

(Knocks)

Hey.

Um...

You know, seeing as the guys
are out and everything,

I thought, well, um,
maybe we could sink a few.

In you come.

So, uh, you must be tired.

After all that flying.

Oh! Ah, yes.
But I sleep on plane. (Laughs)

Yeah. Oh, you would've been
up the pointy end.

-Sorry?
-First-class.

Oh, yes, of course.
First-class. (Giggles)

'Cause, uh,
you got here real fast.

Mmm. Mmm.

You must have had a real good
connection to get here so fast.

Oh, daylight saving.
It help a lot.

That'll do it.

(Grunts)

-Throw the other leg over!
-Give a sec.

(Sighs)

(Sue grunts in exertion)

-It's not here!
-What?

The nugget. It's not here.

Ring your missus.
Get her to ask him where it is.

Tell me more about your company,
Miss Bow.

-Sang Choy, please.
-Mmm.

-( MOBILE PHONE RINGS )
-Excuse me.

-Hello?
-Yeah, how's it going?

Oh! Yes! Dinner very beautiful.
Thank you.

-Yeah? What did you order?
-Uh, dim sim.

SUE: Oh, yeah. Fried or steamed?

Come on, mate!

Yeah, the nugget's not here.
Can you ask where he put it?

OK. Call you back. Bye-bye.

-They're having dim sims.
-So?

Phone call all the way from
Hong Kong. Very impressive.

These modern phones
they have nowadays.

Yes...business.

Uh, so, uh...the nugget
still at your office?

Behind your couch?

-Yeah. Who wants to know?
-What do you mean?

-Give me that phone!
-Oh!

(Dials)

( MOBILE PHONE RINGS )

Yeah, where is it? (Flatly) Oh.

I get it.

You must think
I'm really stupid.

-I think he's onto us.
-Oh, shit.

-( DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC )
-Wait up, Wook!

(Derisively) First-class.

First-class bullshit artist,
more like it!

Let me go!

(Scoffs) Daylight saving -
give me a break!

Let go!

So, they think
they can trick me.

The pack of bloody morons!

-Ha!
-(Ratner grunts)

( BOOMING NOTE )

They not morons.

-So how did your garage sale go?
-Oh, yeah, it was alright.

-We got $600 or $700.
-(Thoughtfully) $600 or $700.

( MOMENTOUS CLASSICAL MUSIC )

Did you sell
your Lady Di memorial beer bug?

Yeah. Got $20 for it. Should
have got $100 for that, man.

-Especially since she's dead.
-Yeah.

( DRAMATIC MUSIC )

Wook, hang on a second.
Hold it there.

-You bastards!
-Where is it, you prick?

-Where's what?
-The nugget.

RATNER: Dimitri.
You thieving mongrel!

Let's get out of here. Come on!

Tell you what - I got a good
bargain on that Persian rug.

100 bucks!

I didn't see you there.

No. I got Paula to get it.

Thought you might get
a bit tooshy,

seeing me picking through
your stuff.

That's real sensitive of you,
Darl.

(Laughs shyly) Yeah.
Well, no worries.

( MOMENTOUS CLASSICAL MUSIC )

-Oh! Good evening, Bubba.
-Where is that wog bastard?

Oh, you've been drinking.
You stay here!

( MUSIC REACHES CRESCENDO )

What's your problem with canola?
Taste?

G'day, Bubba.
You just missed Bunny.

She went to Woolies
for some olive oil.

(Fiddles with the door)

-(Sighs)
-Great. So, what do we do now?

Where's my nugget,
you wog thief?

Hey, hey, hey.
Language, my friend.

Language? This is a brothel.

Mistake number one -
this is not a brothel.

It is a legitimate clinic

for men requiring
deep-tissue massage.

Mistake number two - I haven't
got your fucking nugget.

Otherwise, I'd be in Queensland
in a menage a trois.

Mistake number three -

don't try scamming me
behind my back, you fat turd,

otherwise you might get burned,
like now!

-(Strains)
-(Laughs)

-(Both grunt and groan)
-( LIVELY MUSIC )

(Woman shrieks)

What's happening?

LOTTO: It's pretty ugly, Wook.
You don't want to see this.

-( DISTANT SHRIEKS )
-You see the nugget?

Mate, I don't think it's here.
Let's go grab a beer.

Yeah.

( YELLING AND SQUEALING
CONTINUES )

Never thought I'd be homeless.

You know how you used to see
them old blokes on the street,

sitting there, drinking sherry,

and you find out later on

they used to be
a big-shot lawyer

or a reporter on '60 Minutes'?

Just never thought
it would happen to me.

Oh, I don't know, mate.

Wouldn't being
drunk and homeless

be a natural progression
for you?

Be a logical career path
for Wookie.

Yeah. You could write
one of those books -

'Homeless and Drunk
for Dummies'.

Or get a segment on one of those
shithouse television shows -

'How to Be Homeless
but Comfortable'.

-(All chuckle)
-Yeah.

"Tonight, our reporter, Wooks,

"tells how to turn a fridge box
into a house."

You can all go get stuffed.

( QUIET MUSIC )

We're not big end of town.

Never will be.

Can't stab my mates
in the back.

Kind of cuts me out.

I got no problem stabbing
you bastards in the back.

Just hate wearing a suit.

-You love a tracksuit.
-(Chuckles) Yeah, that's true.

We should get going.

Girls will be worried about us,
you know?

( POIGNANT MUSIC )

We can make those little birds,
the paper ones.

-You can make little ducks.
-You're silly. (Laughs)

-I could do it.
-( DOOR OPENS )

( GENTLE MUSIC )

WALLY: And, so,
the Black Tar Gang

told their respectives
that the nugget was gone.

And maybe it was Ratner,
and maybe it was Dimitri.

It really didn't matter.

It was gone.

And that night,

they laughed
for the first time in weeks,

because they knew that
in the morning they'd wake up

and all their hopes and dreams
would be gone.

Go look - the cherry picker's
still sitting out in street.

But a strange thing
happened that night.

And this is where the story
gets kind of peculiar...

( MYSTERIOUS MUSIC )

Jurgen wasn't a greedy man -
far from it.

Being of German extraction,

he felt keenly
the sting of social injustice.

Jurgen wanted to make amends
with the Gang,

so HE stole the nugget.

But Jurgen,
being of German extraction,

was a creative man,

and generous by nature,
like most Germans.

So, he thought
he'd melt the gold down,

so the Gang could sell it
more easily.

( MYSTERIOUS MUSIC
REACHES CRESCENDO )

(Tests blowtorch)

And that would have been
the end of it,

except for one thing.

That night, there was a big
soccer match on the tellie,

and Jurgen,
being of German extraction,

just had to watch.

TV REPORTER: The Germans
celebrated extravagantly...

WALLY: So, while Jurgen
watched his team,

and the Black Tar Gang
went home to ponder their fate,

and the scavenger and the pimp

redefined
their working relationship,

a funny thing happened
with the nugget.

( WONDROUS MUSIC )

( GENTLE MUSIC )

Some people have later
put it down to geography.

And others would talk about
something greater.

Me personally,

I thought it was the nugget
finally wanting to go home

to the person who'd plucked it
out of the womb, so to speak.

( MAGICAL MUSIC )

( MUSIC REACHES
JOYFUL CRESCENDO )

(Both grunt in exertion)

By daybreak,

the Gang had got enough gold

to make them
very rich little bunnies.

They decided not to go
to Wog the Jeweller's.

Instead,

they took it to a safe place
where they treat you well.

No-one had any idea
what had happened that night,

except for Jurgen.

Jurgen had a fit of conscience
and told Ratner.

(Groans)

Jurgen took him to court,
got a year's pay in compo.

Ratner got busted
for the dead dogs,

copped six months community
service cleaning out the pound.

Dimitri went to hospital
from the dust-up with his staff.

The Gang slung some money
George's way,

got their jobs back.

Not that they ever needed
to work any more.

But their job did give them
a social outlet,

normally denied
the horribly rich.

They all bought new cars -
nothing too flash -

but they did have push-button
radios and bucket seats.

And Lotto bought a new house
to put the new garage in,

to put the new car in,
which he'd bought for Cheryl.

( 'DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY'
BY BOBBY MCFERRIN PLAYS )

Look out.

Hooray.

-Did you get them done, Chez?
-Oh, yeah.

Cheryl got a facial...

Coconut ice.

..and her nails done.

Darlene got pregnant.

Wookie wanted an ultrasound
to make sure it wasn't an alien.

And even then he wasn't sure.

Moon Choo sat for her exams
and got admitted as a doctor.

And Sue, the town's laziest man,
started a business on the side,

making garden gnomes

out of the tar
he'd pinched from the council.

The Gang didn't come up
to the creek much after that.

Heard they were
spending more time at home.

Then, one weekend...

-Hey, look!
-( COCKATOO SQUAWKS )

-Hey, has it been singing?
-Yep.

(Calls)

Well, should we follow it?

WOOKIE: Probably find more gold.

SUE: Yeah, I think so.
It beckoned.

Hey, look. Finger of God.

WOOKIE: What do you reckon?

-Nah, let's grab a beer.
-Yeah.

(Bobby McFerrin sings)
♪ Here's a little song I wrote

♪ You might want to sing it
note for note

♪ Don't worry, be happy

♪ In every life
we have some trouble

♪ But when you worry
you make it double

♪ Don't worry, be happy

♪ Don't worry, be happy now

(Sings melody)

♪ Don't worry

♪ Be happy... ♪

( FUNKY ROCK MUSIC )

SONG: ♪ Coming around this time

♪ Tumbling down this time

♪ And before I know
I'm hanging with nothing to show

♪ Letting me down this time

♪ Get up and out of your mind

♪ Get up
and out of your mind

♪ Standing around this time

♪ It's getting me down this time

♪ I need to know

♪ I'm hanging
with nothing to show

♪ Am I running around this time?

♪ Get up and out of your mind

♪ Get up
and out of your mind

♪ I have to focus
on making it a better day now

♪ I want to be
Yes, I want to live

( INSTRUMENTAL BREAK )

♪ I have a focus

♪ On making a better day now. ♪

( 'BEAT THE MUNDANE'
BY ALEX LLOYD PLAYS )

(Alex Lloyd sings) ♪ She came
down like a bucket of rain

♪ Through the pores
of a lovesick drain

♪ No-one talks on the bus
anymore

♪ Together alone
Seated in fours

♪ This could be forever

♪ Stand alone together

♪ 'Cause we're nowhere now

♪ Beat the mundane

♪ Beat
the mundane

♪ Beat the mundane

♪ Beat
the mundane

♪ Beat the mundane

♪ Beat
the mundane

-♪ Can't stop talking 'bout it
-♪ Beat the mundane

-♪ Can't stop talking 'bout it
-♪ Beat the mundane. ♪