All language subtitles for The Boss Baby Family Business 1080p (2021)

(grand orchestral fanfare
playing)

(gentle melody playing)

* *

TIM:
Time is a funny thing.

-When I was a kid...
-YOUNG TIM: One.

-...the days lasted forever.
-Two.

-Hide, hide, hide!
-Three.

-TIM: But the years...
-Wait! Over here.

-...well, they went by so fast.
-Four.

-Five. Six.
-Tim, no peeking.

TED SR.:
Yeah, no peeking.

-TIM: Before you know it...
-Seven.

-...you're all grown-up.
-Eight.

-It even happened to me.
-Nine.

Nine and a half. Ten!

Ready or not, here I come.
(grunts)

My name's Tim, and this...

well, this is
the rest of my story.

-(roars playfully)
-Run for your lives!

(laughing):
No fair, Dad. You peeked.

(laughter, squealing)

-They call me a stay-at-home
dad, which means...-Let's go!

...I hardly get
to stay at home.

Buckle up, Templetons.

Ready?

-Set.
-Go!

(engine roars, tires squeal)

TIM:
Now, some might say

I still have
an overactive imagination,

but being a dad is
the coolest job in the world.

Bunch of cool jobs, really.

(laughing)

Sometimes I'm
a race car driver.

CAROL:
Whoo! Daddy-o Andretti!

TABITHA:
Yay, Templetons!

TIM (Southern accent):
Well, and then sometimes

I'm the best darn cook
in the county

and I deal out every meal.

-Come on, Pa, hit me.
-(burps)

-(chuckles) Tina.
-(Tina laughs)

Whew, doggie!
And the house wins again.

-(thunder crashes)
-CAROL: Yay! -TABITHA: Woo-hoo!

TIM (spooky voice): Or a
surgeon, if need be. (chuckles)

-Spork.
-Spork.

-Spatula.
-Spatula.

Give my creature life!

-(growling)
-(Carol and Tabitha gasp)

She's alive!

TIM: We have our ups,
and we have our downs.

-(whimpers)
-No, no, no. Look. Look.

-Lamb Lamb's okay. See?
-Yay!

TIM:
But we always stick together.

-My wife, Carol.
-It's a miracle!

TIM: She's the
breadwinner of the family.

-(applause) -Thank you.
You know what they say:

-"It's all about the dough."
-(laughter)

And I couldn't have done it
without my husband.

He really rose to the occasion.

-It's the yeast I can do.
-(cheering) -Yeah, Mama!

TIM:
She brings home the bacon, too,

while I keep an eye
on our new baby, Tina.

(chuckles):
But sometimes, feels like

she's keeping an eye on me.

-And Tabitha...
-Thank you!

...our little second-grader
who just got accepted

-into the best school in town.
-(laughter)

Yay, Tabitha!

TIM:
We're so proud.

I still keep in touch
with the old gang, too.

Believe it or not,
Jimbo is mayor now.

-BOTH: Cookie!
-Of course, his wife, Staci,

is the real brains
behind the operation.

-MAN: Yo, Jimbo!
-Now, the Triplets...

-* Busted... *
-* Busted... *

-* Busted. *
-(sirens wailing)

TIM: Yeah,
they haven't changed much.

And as for
my baby brother, Ted,

well, he grew up
to be the boss, all right.

-He's so busy we hardly see
him anymore.-(toy squeaking)

-(phone rings)
-But, hey, he always remembers

to send inappropriately
lavish gifts

-on special occasions.
-(Tabitha squeals)

-OMG! Uncle Ted is the best!
-(neighing)

-(clatters)
-(Tim gasps)

(sighs)

TIM:
All in all,

my life is pretty perfect.

(insects trilling,
birds chirping)

But all that
was about to change.

(yelps, gasps)

Good heavens.

I'll save you!

-Ha!
-(Tina screams, laughs)

Thanks, babe.

Stay calm, Tabitha.

I'm coming for you.

I'm gonna save you
from the bubbling lava!

Dad, what are you doing?

Ew, gross. It went everywhere.

Come on, this is
the candy volcano of doom!

You used to love it.
(mimics explosion)

But I'm trying
to do my homework,

or I'm doomed.

Oh.

Because if there's
one thing I've learned,

you're only a kid once.

Once you grow up,
you can never go back.

(babbling)

Ee...!

(grunts)

(gasps) Oh, no.

Good night, Dr. Hawking.

Carbon, boron, beryllium,
lithium, helium, hydrogen.

Nailed it.

Boom shakalaka.

(laughs)

"Carry the four."
(chuckles) Gosh.

-TIM: Hey there, Tabitha.
-(Carol whoops, Tina laughs)

It's The Good Night Show.

Live from your bedroom,
starring Dad and Mom.

-And special guest, baby Tina.
-(laughing)

Good night, little Tina. Mwah!

Come back here, you.
(chuckles)

-Good night, Mom.
-Mwah!

Good night, sweetheart.
Mama's gonna kiss you.

-Mama gonna kiss you.
-(Tim clears throat)

* Good night song *

-* With your dad... *
-What?

What? It's time for
your good-night song.

Oh, no, thanks.

I'm listening to white noise!

Helps me fall asleep!

(mimicking white noise)

Hey, what would you say

to me helping you rehearse
for the holiday pageant?

-(gasps)
-Yes! Right?

I can come to school with you,
and you can get

all your friends together,
and we can rehearse together,

go get some ice cream after.

-My treat.
-No! You can't do that.

Um, liability issues.

It's this whole thing.

Oh. Right, right.
(chuckles)

Right.

Whoa. How about your favorite
bedtime story?

You know, the one about...

Uncle Ted was
a magical talking baby.

There was a rocket
full of puppies,

-and you saved the world.
-(shushing)

It was a good story, wasn't it?

Well, it didn't really make
a lot of sense.

The jokes were good, right?

Mm.

-Okay. Um...
-Dad.

(yawns)

My schedule is brutal tomorrow.

(grunting): Yeah. My schedule's
pretty brutal, too.

Oh, don't forget Lamb Lamb.

Good night, Lamb Lamb.

(kisses)
Good night, Uncle Ted.

I hope to grow up and be
a success, just like you.

Maybe we'll see you soon.

Good night, Tabitha.

Don't you think
I'm a little old for that now?

Uh, okay.

I think it's time
we both grow up.

I look forward to greeting you
at the breakfast table.

Sweet dreams.

Hmm.

* *

Where has the time gone?

WIZZIE:
How should I know? (grunts)

-Wait, wait. I see light.
-(toy train tooting)

You, oh, out of my way.
(yells)

(gasps) At long last.

The sweet breath of freedom.

Wizzie?

You there,
what century is this?

(shudders)
Unhand me, vile ogre!

No, no, no, no.
Wizzie, it's me.

-It's Tim.
-(gasps)

Is it really you?

Come closer.

Let me see your face.

Closer.

Closer still.

Oh, Timothy.

It is you.

Hey! What was that for?

You cast me into
eternal darkness

and wreaked havoc
on my circadian rhythms.

I'm sorry, Wizzie.

Hey, but you look great,
though.

Except for the arm, you mean.

(chuckles)
I didn't even notice.

-You thought it.
-I mean, I noticed it,

'cause I... you obviously
don't have an arm. I-I...

You would never treat
Lamb Lamb this way.

Well, I... I gave her
to my daughter, Tabitha.

You have produced
an heir, Timothy?

Two, actually.

Two? Let the bells ring!

(bells jingling,
alarms blaring)

-No, no, no. Wizzie, stop.
-Yes! Yes!

-Wizzie, shh! Quiet, quiet.
-It's a time for celebration!

No, no, no. It's not
the time for celebration.

-Wizzie, shh. Be quiet.
-What? What is it?

-What is it, Tim?
-I don't know.

-(alarms stop)
-I guess I'm just not feeling

very celebratory right now.

Oh?

Tabitha. (sighs)

Man, Wizzie,
she's growing up so fast.

It's like she doesn't even
need me anymore.

Yes, first, they start
spending less time with you.

TIM:
Mm.

Then they stop coming
to you for advice.

Exactly.

Soon, they take you
for granted.

I guess.

-Then break your arm.
-What?

Then stuff you into a box!

Okay. Wizzie, you're...
you're not helping.

(Wizzie scoffs)

Okay, I'm just... I'm afraid

Tabitha and I
are growing apart,

like... like I did
with my brother.

Oh.

I thought we had
all the time in the world.

But you can't
turn back time, can you?

How dare you question my power!

-Turn back. Turn back.
-Oh, here we go.

-Oh, great wheel of li...
-Wait. (shushes)

-(Wizzie snoring)
-Did you hear that?

(gasps)
Never abuse the snooze button!

(shushes) It sounds like it's
coming from the baby's room.

What is it?
A creature of the night?

Witches? Is it the baying
of the hounds of hell?

Wizzie!

Don't go, Tim!

I can turn back time--

to the golden years,
when it was just you and me.

My good arm.

Don't open the door.

(fading in distance):
Remember last time!

(muffled voice
speaking indistinctly)

AUTOMATED VOICE: If you would
like to make a call,

please hang up and try again.

If you need help, hang up
and then dial your operator.

Thank you.

(whispers):
Hello?

If you would like
to make a call,

-please hang up and try again.
-Ah. Just my phone.

Get it together, man.

Oh, Tina, you little klepto...

Nighty night.

...maniac!

(rapid babbling)

Whoa!

Hi, Daddy.

T-Tabitha? Is that you?

(laughing)

(gasps)

(laughing):
You should've seen your face.

Oh, it's priceless.

You're... You... You-you...

(mock gasping)

You-you can talk?

Yep.
I'm in the family business.

(whispers):
It's a clip-on tie. (shushes)

You see, Daddy,
BabyCorp is more of what I...

Oops.

Daddy, Daddy, come in.
Can you hear me?

-Daddy, do you read me?
-(Tim groaning)

Daddy, how many fingers
am I holding up?

Thursday?

I should've given you
a warning.

I forgot you were an old man.

(yells, spits)

Wait, wait.

-You're from BabyCorp?
-Yes.

BabyCorp is more of what I call

-a side hustle for me.
-Uh-huh.

The point is I'm all in
on the Templetons.

-Go, Templetons!
-Oh! Okay.

You guys really know
how to baby a baby.

-I mean, it's incredible.
-Oh, oh. (chuckles)

Not that's it's all five-star.

-I have to say, you got
a lot of issues. -Sure. Yeah.

We'll talk about that later.

Oh, my gosh.
I can't believe this.

Hey, want to go scare
the crap out of Mom?

-Daddy, please stay focused.
-(chuckles) Oh.

(grunts)
Right, right, right.

There's a crisis at BabyCorp.

What is it this time?

(gasps) Kittens?

No. This time, it's even worse.

-Worse than kittens?
-Yes.

That's why I volunteered for

-this supersecret assignment.
-TOY: Mommy.

Ooh, I want to help.
What-what do you want me to do?

That's the spirit, Daddy.

-You are exactly who I need.
-Yes!

To get Uncle Ted.

No. What?

What-What's with the face?

Daddy, BabyCorp can't wait
any longer.

All the pressure's on me, Pop.

When I volunteered
for this gig,

I thought it would be easy.

But you two never
see each other.

It's so sad.

It's like, "F-minus.
See me after class."

(gargles)

Sad? Uh, yeah, maybe.

A little. I don't know.

Did you forget to call him?

I noticed you can be
a little absentminded.

Sorry, what?

It's just that you tend
to procrastinate.

-You have to get him here for
the holidays. -(line ringing)

-No, I'm not...
-(ringing stops)

No, I'm not
gonna call him right now.

-Daddy, can't never could.
-No. -(line ringing)

Did you two have
a fight or something?

-No.
-But you're mad at him?

-Stop that. It's complicated.
-(ringing stops)

-Why? Do you need help using
your phone? -(line ringing)

-No, I don't need help
using my... -(ringing stops)

-Okay. What's the problem?
-(sighs) -(line ringing)

What's the issue?
Talk to me.

-There's no point, okay?
-(ringing stops)

I call him. I invite him.
He never shows up.

He's always got a work meeting
or a business trip

or a conference call.

All he cares about is work.

But after a while, you...
you just stop trying.

-He's still your brother.
-(line ringing)

You were partners.

-Yeah, I guess sometimes
you just... -(ringing stops)

you grow up and grow apart.

-(line ringing)
-(gasps)

Daddy, don't say no.

What if everybody said no?

Nothing would happen.

Nothing would get
off the ground.

You got to wake up every day

and you got to say,
"Yes, yes, yes!"

Surprise me. Say yes.

(sighs)

(ringing stops)

This is really disappointing.

-And now I'm getting mad!
-It's late.

We can work on this
tomorrow, okay?

-(grunts)
-(toy squeaks)

Oh. Whoopsie.
Your little horsey fell off.

Another day won't hurt, right?

Good night, sweetie.

-(door closes)
-(scoffs)

(tape rewinding)

TIM (recorded):
Good night, sweetie.

-...horsey fell off.
-(rewinding)

Tabitha?

* *

(low rumbling,
objects rattling)

Huh?

(gasps, squeals)

* *

Uh, don't worry. I got it.

-(Tim yells, groans)
-Where is she? Where is she?

-Where's who? What?
-I came as fast as I could.

-Ted?
-I canceled all my meetings.

What are you doing here?
(grunts) Why are you yelling?

-Where's Tabitha?
-Tabitha?

-Where is she, Tim?
-CAROL: Ted.

Uncle Ted, you're here!
You're really here.

-Which arm is it?
Left or right? -Huh?

-Is it your fibula? Talk to me.
-Whoa.

-Good dilation. Open up.
-(groans)

-Say, "Ah." Are you okay?
-Wh-What are you doing?

-You look okay.
-Whoa.

Don't worry.
I'm fine, Uncle Ted.

-That's my girl.
-Woo-hoo.

Uh, wh-what brings you
into town?

Well, Tabitha fell
off her pony.

-She did?
-She did?

I did?

-Tim left me a voice mail.
-He did?

-I did?
-You did.

TIM (cobbled from recording):
Hello. This is your brother.

Help. Tabitha fell off horsey.

Good night, sweetie.

Well, that was unsettling.

I swear I didn't
leave that message.

-(coos)
-On... purpose.

I...

Butt-dialed?

(chuckles)
With my butt.

While I was talking
in my sleep.

I do that sometimes.

You sleep-butt-dialed me?

-With my butt.
-(Carol chuckling)

I knew there must be a
perfectly logical explanation.

(chuckles)
And there it is.

-TED: Hmm. -All that matters
is that you're here.

-TABITHA: Woo-hoo! Yay!
-(Tina squeals)

-Absolutely. Uh, for now.
-(Tina giggling)

Uncle Ted, please stay
for Christmas. Please.

Sorry, sweetie. I can't
do Christmas on the 25th.

But, Uncle Ted,
I missed you so much.

(echoing):
I missed you so much.

-I missed you so much.
-Mm... wah!

TABITHA: Don't you think
I'm a little old for that now?

(echoing): Don't you think
I'm a little old for that now?

Don't you think
I'm a little old for that now?

(chuckles) Can I talk to you
in the kitchen?

Alone.

-TED: The baby, Tim?
-(shushes)

She's been sent from up there.

-Upstairs?
-That's right. BabyCorp.

So you're saying the voice mail
was some kind of call for help.

Yes! No.

She comes from a secret
corporation run by babies.

Tim, I'm gonna give you
the name of a doctor.

Roy Federman. Just tell him
I sent you, okay?

(hushed):
What are they saying?

We should give them
some privacy.

-Here you go.
-Ooh. Thanks.

TIM:
I'm not crazy!

You just don't remember.
Tell him, Tina.

-He... I...
-TED: She can't talk, Tim.

-TIM: Stop interrupting.
-(Tina groans)

TED: Interrupting what?
I don't hear anything.

Except your obnoxious voice.
You hear that.

I have a beautiful voice.

-(groans)
-TIM: Fine.

I can prove that
everything I'm saying is real.

-TED: Oh, yeah?
-TIM: Yeah!

Suck it, Ted.

I beg your pardon?

You, suck.

No, no, Tim. You suck.

CAROL: Time to go buy
a Christmas tree.

But we already have
a Christmas tree.

-No, we don't. No, we don't.
-Yes, we do. Yes, we do.

Suck it, suck it, suck it,
suck it, suck it, suck it.

-Get that pacie out of my face!
-Excuse me.

I hate to interrupt,
but may I make a suggestion?

Why don't you both suck it?

-Ha! (whoops)
-(grunts)

(grunting)

-She can talk.
-A lot.

(whoops)

Buckle up, boys.

(sucking rapidly)

(all screaming)

-TINA: Baby on board!
-(Tim whooping)

-That's what I'm talking about!
-(laughs) Woo-hoo!

(screaming)

(sighs)

* *

TIM:
Yeah! Woo-hoo!

(both grunt)

(yelps)

-Wow.
-(Tina laughs)

(gasps)

I'm home.

TIM:
Yeah. See?

It's all real.

TED:
Whoa.

Is that me?

TINA: If you're fishing for
a compliment, you caught one!

You are a legend in this joint.

A statue?

Well, I did single-handedly
save the company.

Double-handedly.

(chuckling):
Right? We were partners.

Really?

I don't see your statue.

I still love you, Daddy.

TIM:
They got the head size right.

(ding)

TED: Take it from me,
you have to be aggressive

if you want to get ahead.

Climb that corporate ladder

-until you're the last baby
standing at the top. -TIM: Wow.

Actually, I prioritize
a good work-life balance

and a positive environment
where my ideas are valued.

(laughing)

Oh, you're serious.

You're funny, Uncle Ted.

I wonder why they didn't
mention that in your file.

My file?

-You saw my file?
-(Tim sighs)

-Yep.
-What does it say?

It says a lot.

-This is the Crisis Center.
-Whoa. Wow.

This is where we monitor
all threats

to babies around the world.

And Hawaii.

This is so cool.
This is so cool.

(roaring):
I'm Godzilla.

"Oh, run for your lives!
Run for your lives!"

-Why did we bring him?
-Daddy, get down from there.

-Aw. -We can play on it later
when no one is looking.

-What's the crisis?
-Yeah.

Here we go.
What's the crisis, sweetie?

Rusty, roll it.

(snores, whines)

He's new.

DR. ARMSTRONG (over speakers):
Just imagine, baby surgeons.

-(buzzer sounds) -Uh-oh.
-(babies giggling)

Or baby astronauts.

(singsongy):
Floaty, floaty, float.

Yes, babies are gonna
run the world one day.

And that day is coming
sooner than you think.

Hello. My name is
Dr. Erwin Armstrong,

founder of The Acorn Center
for Advanced Childhood.

Wait a minute, that's...
that's Tabitha's school.

Here at the center,
we believe babies

are the ultimate
learning machines.

Isn't that right,
little Nathan?

-Yeah!
-(chuckles): Okay.

They should use
their precious time

to develop faster, push harder.

-Hmm. -(Tim scoffs)
-Parents, they have the best

intentions, of course,
but they're not experts.

After all, the only thing
holding your child back is...

-you.
-KIDS: You!

This explains why Tabitha's
been pulling away from me.

-It's the school.
-ARMSTRONG: Everybody, wave.

-Bye, Mommy.
-KIDS: Bye, Mommy!

-Bye, Daddy.
-Bye, Daddy!

(singsongy):
Sayonara.

Now, in the past six months,

these schools have been
popping up all over the world.

Uh, so what's the problem?

The school is the problem.

Yeah. School is evil.

No, Daddy,
not all schools are evil.

-It's just this one, okay?
-Okay.

If Armstrong's philosophy
keeps spreading,

it could be
the end of childhood.

No.

Childhood was the worst
three years of my life.

That's so sad.

You probably just
didn't do it right.

-Huh?
-Aw.

But luckily, you get a do-over.

A second chance.

BabyCorp has developed
a new super-duper baby formula

-that can turn a grown-up
back into a baby. -(baby coos)

We have it in cherry, grape,
orange and lime.

-For real?
-Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

-You want me to be a baby?
-Hey, it's what you do best.

So you can infiltrate
the school and find out

what Dr. Armstrong
is really up to.

BabyCorp will
take care of the rest.

(whoops)

(Tim gasps, laughs)

It's the perfect disguise.

And it only lasts
48 teensy-weensy hours.

Oh, I am in on the mission.

-Sorry, Pops.
-Ow.

-It's not your mission.
-Aw.

"Warning:
may cause drooling, babbling,

"emotional outbursts,
fits of laughter,

loss of bowel control,
chubby thighs"?

I think some guys at my gym
take this stuff.

(screams)

My texting hand!

-Even though it is your
daughter's school. -(screaming)

Doesn't seem fair, does it?

Daddy, no. Please stop.

(glugs) Whoa!

(babbling rapidly)

What? It actually works.

(Ted straining)

-TED: It's mine!
-(yells)

-I'm better with
this kind of thing! -Oh!

(glugs, screams)

And what kind of thing is that,
Flock of Seagulls?

-(both grunting)
-(record scratches)

("The Time Warp" from Rocky
Horror Picture Showplaying)

-Everything!
-Gotcha!

You might feel very emotional,
have some mood swings.

-(glugging)
-(Ted yells)

Oh! (babbles)

Hey! (screams)

Ouch.
There's the awkward stage.

Now, the tea's hot, Connie.

You always have to be
the hero, don't you?

What's that supposed to mean?
(grunts)

Never see him...
(frightened whimpering)

All of a sudden,
he shows up with a pony.

(screams) You're just jealous,
helmet head.

She's my daughter!

She's my niece. (screams)

-(grunts)
-Do you want cream or sugar?

(both yelling)

I was always
the successful one.

Mommy says no running
in the house.

(slurps) Mm.

Hand over the bottle, mullet.

(grunting)

-(screams)
-You can't hug money, you know.

(glugs, babbles)

(grunts)

But you can, Tim. You can.

(both yelling)

Men. Am I right?

(both yelling, grunting)

(glugging)

(slow-motion yelling)

(screams, grunts)

It's not personal.

It's business, Leslie.

(grunts)

Well, it's personal
to me, Lindsey.

(both scream)

(both whimpering)

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!
Ow, ow, ow!

I'm sorry, Connie.
I have to cut this short.

Tomorrow, we'll talk
about your problems.

Okay, time-out!
This has gone far enough!

TABITHA:
Hey. We're home.

(grunts)
And we got another tree.

A real one.

(all gasp)

Um, upstairs now.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

-(both grunting)
-CAROL: Push it. No, no, pull.

-Go, go, go, go, go.
-Push it up.

-(grunts, whoops)
-Pull. No, okay.

-To the right.
-How come I have the heavy end?

CAROL: Because you're young
and strong, honey.

Little bit more.

-Me first!
-(grunts)

-CAROL: Come on.
-Get off.

-Tim? Ted?
-Mom.

Get the cord. Get the cord.

Get the cord,
get the cord, get the cord!

You just can't disappear.

You need a cover story.

-TED: Ow!
-Oh, right.

My soft spot.

CAROL:
Where are you guys?

Uh, uh, tell her
you're packing.

We're upstairs, uh, packing.

-Packing? For what?
-(Tabitha yells)

Ooh. You're going on
a brother bonding trip.

-We're going on
a brother bonding trip. -Ow!

Now?

But, Tim, your parents
are coming tomorrow.

They can help out.

Yeah, they could help out.

What... No, you can't leave me
alone with your parents.

-(Tina yells, laughs)
-Oh, Tina!

(grunts)
What are you doing?

(both grunting)

All right, you know what?
You're going to baby jail.

-Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no! -Tabitha!

-CAROL: Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
-TABITHA: A little help here.

CAROL:
Honey, hold it up. Hold it up.

(deep voice):
This is Ted Templeton, a man.

You can go ahead and take off.
I have urgent family business.

-CAROL: To the right, honey.
-Yes, I have a family.

-Tim, I'm coming up there.
-(Tina gasps)

Yeah, we need to talk.

TABITHA:
Hey, Mom?

Oh! Tina!

(squeals, laughs)

Put that down.
Put that down. Put that down.

-Put that down. Put that down.
-Tina!

-Put that down! Get back here!
-(laughing)

Tina, stop! (grunting)

CAROL:
What has gotten into you?

-Time for us to go!
-(grunts)

-What? Now?
-TED: Yeah.

-My helicopter's double-parked.
-Bye!

-Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
So soon? -Oh, no.

-(both scream)
-(wind whistling)

-(helicopter whirring)
-(panting)

What... Did they really
just leave?

Yep.

-Hide!
-(Ted and Tim whimpering)

(groans)
I got to lose this baby fat.

(Carol sighs)

Tina! What is your problem?

(Tina laughing)

* *

CAROL: Now, you're gonna
wake up tomorrow

and be good, Tina.

No more devil baby.

Deal?

-(coos)
-Okay.

(both gasping for air)

(both scream)

Ew.

(both scream)

-(chiming) -Thanks so much
for coming in, ladies.

Would you like some fruit?

Mm. Ow!

What was... Hey!

Uh, can we get on with this?

(grunts, groans)

I miss my teeth.

I've decided who's going
on the mission.

Thank you. I accept.

Both of you.

-Yes!
-No.

BabyCorp wants to get
the team back together, huh?

(laughs):
No.

They think that's
a terrible idea.

Of course they do.

Well, I'm the boss, applesauce.

And I think you two are better
together than you are apart.

Well, I work alone--
or at least not with him.

Hey. There's no "I" in "team."

Actually, there's no "U"
in "team," either,

-but there is an "M-E."
-T-E-A-M...

But teamwork doesn't seem work.

Ah. If you want something
done right, do it yourself.

-We're all in it together.
-Every man for himself.

One is the loneliest number.

-The ayes have it.
-We the people!

Aha!

Oh. So sorry.

(whispers):
Okay. Good night.

Whew.

Guess we'll just have to
melt down your big old statue

and turn it into
participation trophies.

Please, no,
don't hurt my statue.

Now, we have secret intel

that Dr. Armstrong leaves his
office every morning at 11:15.

You need to sneak in there,

plant these
surveillance devices,

and report back to me.

Oh, man, this is so cool.

(echoing over speaker):
Testing.

* Strangers in the night... *

Now, I've arranged
for a school bus

to be here at 8:00 a.m. sharp!

-Thank you, Connie.
-CONNIE: Nighty night.

Do not be late.

Got it.

Easy-breezy, taco-peasy, boys.

Let's get some sleep!

(snoring)

(coos softly)

* *

CAROL:
Hey, what's the matter?

TABITHA:
It's nothing.

CAROL:
Oh, sweetie, don't worry.

I'm sure your dad will be back

in time to see you
in the pageant.

TABITHA:
That's okay.

CAROL: What?
Don't you want him to come?

-TABITHA: I guess.
-CAROL: Of course you do.

Now, go back to sleep.

TABITHA:
Good night, Mom.

CAROL:
Good night, sweetie.

(coos softly)

* *

CAROL:
Don't you want him to come?

-TABITHA: I guess.
-(gasping)

(screams)

Don't you think I'm
a little old for that now?

I think it's time
we both grow up.

-(grunts)
-(thunder crashes)

(gavel slamming)

The trial of
Timothy Leslie Templeton

is now in session.

-Ha! Leslie.
-(laughter)

Trial? Wait, what...
what are the charges?

Fraud.

Claiming to be
the world's best dad.

-But I never said...
-Exhibit A.

-Oh, come on. That was a gift.
-(gallery gasping)

I suggest you let
your attorney do the talking.

(gasps) Oh, no.

Back in my day, you had to
earn one of these babies.

-Dad, what? I did not...
-(gallery gasping)

His best friend was
an alarm clock.

Mom.

(groans) He broke my arm.

No, I didn't!
It was my brother.

Objection, Your Honor.

Sustained.

We the jury find
the defendant...

ALL:
A failure!

Tabitha, will you please
help me out?

Whoa!

Dad, the homework,
it's just too much.

-Whoa!
-Tabitha!

-Time's up.
-(alarm ringing)

-Wait. No!
-Save me, Daddy! Save me!

(screaming)

(yells, gasps)

(sighs)

-Oh, man. That was crazy.
-(snoring)

(both yelling)

-We overslept! We overslept?
-(gasping)

-We overslept.
-Wake up, little halflings!

-Wake up! What year is it?
-(alarm ringing)

Oh, no.

This is bad. No.

No! No.

(yells) Get up.

Get up. We got to go.

Come on.
We're gonna be late for... Oh!

I'm gonna email it to you.

(grunts) What's going on?

Ah, I forgot to set Wizzie
for daylight savings!

-What?!
-Daylight can't be saved, Tim.

Oh, I got to get the plant
and the bug we got to plant.

-Grab whatever. We got to go.
-Don't panic. Do not panic.

-Ow. (groans)
-Godspeed, boys.

Let's roll.

Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa...!

(grunting)

-(Tim screams)
-Upsies.

-I need upsies...!
-Oh!

-(Ted yells)
-TIM: Get dressed.

(both grunting and groaning)

What have you done to me?!

No, really?
What, are we going sailing?

Oh, no.
No, no, it's leaving.

(both yell)

(grunts, whimpers)

Wait, no, no. Stop!

Stop, stop, stop. Come back!

Ahoy!

Come back!

(panting)

Great, matey.

What are we gonna do now?

(whistling)

* *

(neighing)

(slow-motion):
Oh, no!

(continues whistling)

(whinnies)

Precious, my noble steed.

We must not be late
for our first day of school.

Oh, gross.

-Huh?
-(Tim screaming)

Tallyho, Precious!

(Tim continues screaming)

This pony hates me. Oh!

It's not that
she hates you, Tim.

She just doesn't respect you.

(Tim screams, whimpers)

(horns honking)

Go left! Go left!

I'm gonna go
where navigation says.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Turn left.

Thank you, navigation.

-TIM: Whoa!
-AUTOMATED VOICE: Turn right.

-(people screaming)
-TIM: Sorry.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Turn left.
Proceed on the current route.

TED:
Yeehaw!

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Recalculating.

Hold on to your holster.

-Hyah!
-(yells)

(cell phone buzzing)

(grunts)
Oh, no. It's Carol!

Don't answer it.

-Hi.
-CAROL: Oh, Tim.

How's your bonding trip?

Uh... Whoa!

Whoa. Slow down.

How... is... your...

-bonding trip?
-Aah! Whoa.

(screams) You're here!

-Oh, no.
-TIM: I mean, um,

I wish you were here.

Oh, we miss you, too.

Don't we, girls?

We're, uh...

We're, uh, rebooting
our relationship

and, uh, restoring the
closeness that we once felt.

-That's so great.
-We've got to go. (chuckles)

CAROL:
Where are you?

-Uh, a hockey game.
-Hey!

He shoots, he scores!

He scores! He scores!

Ladies and gentlemen,
he scores!

-* Busted... *
-* Busted... *

-* Busted. *
-(sirens wail)

Is that the police?

Uh, no, not the police.

It's, uh...
it's a hockey alarm.

Faster, Tim.

I ain't going back
to the clink!

Now, I just wanted
to remind you

that Tabitha's pageant
is tomorrow night.

You have to be there.

Uh, I will be there
in one shape or another.

(Ted grunts)

-You promise?
-I promise.

And what about Ted?

Happy holidays, coppers.

You're never gonna
take me alive, see?

Uh, he's busy.

What are you doing?
It's the cops.

-(Ted laughs)
-Sorry, Officers.

TED: Santa's got something
for everybody.

TIM:
Sorry.

* *

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Recalculating.

(Tim screams, Ted laughs)

Oh, my God! It's so real!

It's so real! It's so real!

(Tim screaming over phone)

-Tim?
-(Tabitha speaks Mandarin)

(people screaming)

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Recalculating.

TIM:
Left! Left! Left!

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Recalculating.

TIM: Right, right,
right, right, right!

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Recalculating.

And now the moment
we've all waited for!

(people screaming)

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Proceed on the current route.

-(screams)
-See, Tim?

-(blowing)
-Always trust... Holy...

-(Tim screaming)
-CAROL: Tim?

TIM:
Uh, Carol?

You're breaking up.
I'm losing you.

No, honey, I can hear you fine.

-See you at the pageant.
Got to go. Bye. -Okay.

(yells)

-(screams) Whoa!
-Sorry.

(yells)

(Jimbo whimpering)

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

-(screams)
-It's too real! It's too real!

-(clamoring)
-(siren wailing)

(screaming)

TED:
Tallyho, Precious!

(gasps)

No, no, no, tally...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

(whimpers)

-(grunts)
-(tires screeching)

-(grunts) Tina!
-Tina!

-(Tim screaming)
-TED: Whoa!

(laughs)

-(screaming)
-TED: Woo-hoo!

Whoa! (laughs)

(Tim panting)

-JIMBO: Tree!
-(siren whoops)

AUTOMATED VOICE: You've arrived
at your destination.

-And with a minute to spare.
-(distant explosion)

Oh. Huh.

I'll send them a check.

(both chuckling)

Oh, that was fun.

You did it.

We did it.

I guess we did.

I was talking about
me and Precious.

-Oh.
-Isn't that right, baby?

Yeah. Right.

-Get down!
-(yells)

* *

(kids chattering)

Whoa.
This place even looks evil.

TED:
It's just a school.

You're overreacting.

And so is BabyCorp.

No, I'm telling you,

this school is stressing
Tabitha out.

Tabitha can handle it.

She's a real chip
off the old block.

-Wait, who's the block?
-I'm the block.

Well, you can't be the block.
I'm the block.

Then start acting like a block.

Wh-What does that mean?
I'm the block.

-I've always been the block.
-Yeah. Not even close.

TIM:
All I do is block.

I wake up in the morning,
I block.

-(kids grunting)
-I go to sleep, blocking.

-I'm the block.
-Tim, enough.

-I'm the block.
-No, you're not! Stop it!

-Shh.
-(whistle blows)

(chuckles) Sweet.

Suckers.

-AUTOMATED VOICE: Children only
beyond this point. -Hey.

No crying is permitted
in the separation zone.

Okay, looks like
we got to split up.

Good. I could use a break.

-TABITHA: Bye, Mom.
-All right, bye, honey.

(gasps, yells)
There's Tabitha.

-I'll see you after school.
-Okay.

(window squeaking)

TED:
Apparently, there's no "A"

in "teamwork," either.

All right, let's boogie.

(grunts) Not so fast.

I'm blue. You're yellow.

(laughing): You're over there
in the choo-choo.

(raucous laughter)

Aw. It's full of babies.

Is it? I didn't notice.

(laughing):
Just kidding. It's hilarious.

Uh, wait. Your tie's crooked.

-(fingers snap)
-Okay, Tim, focus.

We'll meet outside
Armstrong's office at 11:15.

We'll sneak in,
and we'll plant the bugs.

Are you focused?

Hey, what the...

-Oh, I am focused, all right.
-No, no.

I'm not yellow. I'm blue.

11:30. Stick to the plan.

11:15.

15. Got it.
The block is focused.

-I'm blue! Aah! I'm blue.
-(babies laughing)

Don't you understand?
I'm blue!

ARMSTRONG (over speakers):
Welcome, children.

Willkommen.

Bienvenue.

Annyeonghaseyo.

And buenos días.

Thank you for choosing
to be excellent.

-Please don't touch me.
-(babies laughing)

This is some
ridiculous mistake.

I'm blue! I'm blue!

* The wheels on the bus
go pi R-squared *

-* Circumference all around. *
-Yes.

TIM:
Hello.

Uh, hello.

Nice plant.

This is
my emotional support plant.

Hi. I-I'm new here.

Said nihonium to the other
elements in the periodic table.

-Ooh.
-(laughter)

Okay.

Can't sit here.

Or here. Or there.

(yells)

Seating position is
determined by class rank.

We can't possibly
include your data,

given that the rigor
of your previous school

is an unknown variable.

-STUDENTS: Ooh.
-(laughs)

-Sick burn, Nathan.
-(grunts)

-(groans)
-Ow.

Here.

-You can take my seat.
-(sighs)

I'm so proud of you.

I mean... thanks.

Okay...

(school bell rings)

ARMSTRONG:
Good morning.

STUDENTS:
Good morning, Dr. Armstrong!

(chuckles)
Very warm welcome. Thank you.

Huh?

As you can see,
we've got a new colleague

joining us today.

-Ooh.
-Hello.

New colleague, why don't you
introduce yourself.

Uh, my name's Ti... um, Marcos.

-Hmm.
-Marcos Lightspeed.

Marcos Lightspeed.

Yeah. Colorful, characterful,
and I like it.

-In any case...
-(gasps)

-...welcome, Marcos,
to Blue Unit. -(gasps)

Our most advanced class.

Ooh, this is rarefied air

-we're breathing.
-(groans)

Here at The Acorn Center,
we believe

that all competition is...

STUDENTS:
Healthy competition.

(babies yelling, laughing)

(noisemakers blaring)

I'm trapped
in the dum-dum holding tank.

(gasps)
I'm having a panic attack.

There must be
a way out of here.

Something doesn't smell right.

(sniffs) Blueberry.

(laughing)

(whispers):
I have to get out of here.

Hi.

Don't look at me.

-Okay.
-(baby laughing)

And our first subject
today is...

No fractions, no fractions,
no fractions. Whoa!

Particle physics.

Yes! What?

Yes! (laughs)

Who knows which scientist

first theorized
that the universe has a limit

beyond which
the laws of physics break down?

(students clamoring)

Wow. Everybody seems to know.

-(sighs, gasps)
-Señor Lightspeed.

Um, Dr. Flam... baisley?

-(buzzer sounds)
-Oh, that's the wrong answer.

His brain sure doesn't move
at light speed.

(laughter)

-ARMSTRONG: Uh, okay.
-I know, right?

-Anybody else?
-Right here.

-Max Planck.
-(bell dings)

ARMSTRONG:
That's correct.

Tabitha has set the bar.

First one on the board.
Ding, ding, ding.

Way to go, Tabitha.

You're going down, Templeton.

Bring it on, Nathan.

Yeah, Tabitha. Get him.

ARMSTRONG:
Next subject.

Ancient Greek.

-STUDENTS: Opa!
-Oprah! (chuckles)

-(laughter, babbling)
-Attention.

Attention, everyone.

Who wants to play Shawshank?

-No!
-BABIES: Huh?

Who wants to go outside
and play?

-(cheering)
-Does that sound fun? Good.

Now, anybody have any ideas?

-BABY: No!
-Come on, people.

Think, think, think,
think, think.

We need to think
outside the box.

-Oh, oh, oh! Me, me! Oh!
-You, Bo-Peep.

We can build a hot-air balloon

out of Popsicle sticks
and bubble gum!

(laughing)

And how would it fly?

-Pixie dust!
-(laughing, cheering)

Get back in the box, Bo-Peep.

-All the way in?
-All the way in.

-Yay! -Ooh. Uh, can we get
in the box, too?

-Can we? Can we?
-BABY: Glue.

I like glue.

Who doesn't?

But we're trying
to brainstorm here.

Glue's good.

(laughing wildly)

-Think, think, think, think,
think, think... -(groans)

...think, think, think, think,
think, think, think, think!

Bingo.

Next subject.

X is equal
to the derivative of...

-NATHAN: Ooh, me!
-Itself.

ARMSTRONG:
Kudos for Tabitha.

Wow. You knew that?

The world's leading producer
of bauxite is...

-NATHAN: Oh!
-Australia.

ARMSTRONG: Once again,
Tabitha's on the board.

-Very good. -Yes, Tabitha!
-(applause)

We got 15 minutes, people.

The difference
in "try" and "triumph"

is just a little oomph.

-BABIES: Oomph!
-Go big or go home.

Okay. Going home.

-Let's pick up the pace.
-No!

Hand downs, Norma Rae.
This is my time.

To be, or not to be?
Tabitha.

-To be. -That's correct.
-(bell dings)

Can anyone tell me
the horsepower of a 302 engine?

-Uh, seven?
-(buzzer sounds)

-ARMSTRONG: Oh, boy.
-Weak sauce, Nathan.

-That was weak.
-(groans)

Tabitha, do you have
an idea about that?

300 horsepower
with a four-barrel carb.

-(bell dings) -TIM: Wow.
-(groans)

-Her dad must be a genius.
-(applause)

On my signal, unleash heck.

-Fire!
-(babies grunt)

-(babies cheering)
-Yes!

-I found a cure!
-(cheering)

-(bell dings)
-Yes! Yes! She did it!

She did it.

-(students gasp)
-(buzzers sounding)

STUDENTS:
Marcos!

I did it. I did it.

(babies cheering)

Remember, your size doesn't
determine your strength.

Well, so far,
it's Tabitha number one

and everybody else last.

-(cheering, applause)
-(groans, sobs)

* *

Psst. Hey, Tabitha.

You're really...

-A geek. I know.
-No.

You're amazing.

Oh. Thanks, Marcos.

You'll be singing
a different tune at rehearsal.

The wrong tune.

(both laughing)

You're so funny.

Hilarious!

And yeah, Templeton,
don't be late.

-(laughs)
-(gasps) Late.

-I'm late.
-ARMSTRONG: Next subject.

Yes!

(straining):
Just a little further.

(babies giggling, babbling)

Glue!

(yells, screams)

-TIM: Excuse me.
-(engine revving)

Yes, Marcos.

Can I have a hall pass?
I have to go.

ARMSTRONG:
Voilà. Feel free.

(scoffs) Now what?

-(grunts) Now what?
-(babies crying)

Glue!

Glue is bad!

(whimpering)

Glue.

(gasps)
Glue is good.

How to get to
the principal's office.

Of course.

You get sent
to the principal's office.

("It's Tricky" by Run-D.M.C.
playing)

-Booyah!
-(students gasp)

* I think it's very vital
to rock a rhyme... *

* Here we go, it's tricky
to rock a rhyme *

* To rock a rhyme that's right
on time, it's tricky *

* It's tricky, tricky,
tricky, tricky *

* It's tricky to rock a rhyme *

* To rock a rhyme that's right
on time, it's tricky... *

What's up, y'all?

School is...

-stupid.
-(students gasp)

(staticky): Listen, you know,
I acknowledge your anger.

It's, uh, very, uh, feisty,
but please sit down.

-Okay. Uh, no.
-(students gasp)

Sitting is... stupid!

-He's such a bad boy.
-STUDENTS: Ooh.

(speaking indistinctly
through static)

* It's tricky to rock a rhyme *

* To rock a rhyme that's right
on time, it's tricky *

-* How is it, D? *
-* It's tricky, tricky... *

All right. I'm afraid you can't
disrupt class any longer.

Oh, no. Are we gonna have
a talk in your office?

No.

-You are gonna have a time-out.
-STUDENTS (gasping): The Box?

-He's going in the Box.
-(murmuring)

No, the Box makes you crazy.

The Box?

* Sail away,
sail away, sail away *

(groans)
* Sail away, sail away *

-* Sail away... *
-(grunts)

-ARMSTRONG: Sayonara, Marcos.
-(gasps)

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Your time-out begins now.

Relax.

-Wait!
-(music stops)

(child crying)

ROBOT VOICE:
Don't cry.

There, there. All better.

(Ted grunting)

(muffled grunting)

(yells, mumbles)

(grunting, spitting)

(sighs)
It's like they always say:

If you want something
done right,

you have to do it
without your brother!

We meet again, doorknob.

(grunting)

(door creaking)

ARMSTRONG:
Hello.

Welcome, welcome.

Please come in. Entrez vous?

You're here.

Oh, yes. I...

I was expecting you.

I... (grunts, yells)

(button beeps)

I expected that you

would be expecting me,
so there.

Oh, and, uh, by the way,
I know why you're here,

-so, uh... so there.
-(button beeps)

(chuckles) You do?

-Mm-hmm. Yes, I do.
-(button beeps)

-(whirring)
-Have a seat, please.

(grunts) Thank you.

-You know what you are?
-Mm?

You are, if I may,
extremely intelligent.

Go on. (grunts)

Uh, as a matter of fact,
I've been observing you.

(button beeps)

Spends time wisely. Check.

Makes good use of
classroom materials. Check.

Keeps hands to self. Check.

Hey, forget
"works well with others."

You make others
work well for you.

That's literally the title
of the book I'm working on.

No kidding.
You had no business

being in Yellow Level, did you?

-It was sabotage.
-Sabotage. Exactly.

Jealousy, fear. Hey, I faced
the same obstacles.

In fact, you know,
you remind me a lot of myself

when I was your age,

which is now.

(grunts)

What?

(laughs)

Surprise, surprise.

What the frittata?

Well put.

He's a ba... You're a baby.

I repeat, you're a baby.

So surprised,
you said it twice. (chuckles)

(laughs)

Unfortunately, people are, uh,
not ready for a...

a baby in a position of power.

Yet.

Remind me to get the number
of your muttonchop guy.

You know, I could use
somebody like you.

With a superior intelligence
like my own.

-Uh... really?
-Mmm.

Somebody who can, uh...

Mmm. (crunching)

-Mmm. Yeah.
-(gasps)

Truly comprehend
what I'm trying to accomplish.

-Well, you're looking at him.
-Bingo.

Mmm. We have a secret level.

Mmm.
For very special babies.

Mmm. The best of the best.

Ah. The elite.

Beyond blue?

Oh, yeah. Way beyond.

Way beyond. Ooh.

Mmm. There's a meeting today...

(slurps)
...after school.

Babies only.

We may be small, but we're
about to teach grown-ups

a big lesson.

Mmm. Lolly?

-Okay.
-(school bell ringing)

Oh. Time for recess.

-Bye-bye.
-(button beeps)

(singsongy):
Sayonara....

(groans)

(grunts)

Well, I think that went well.

-TED (recorded): You're a baby.
-TINA: What?

-I repeat, you're a baby.
-(scoffs)

Is he talking to me?
He better not be talking to me,

because I'll... Armstrong?

(chuckles)
You're right, Connie.

He's talking about Armstrong.

-I don't know what has
gotten into her. -(gasps)

-But she's acting strange,
Dr. Federman. -(laughing)

Isn't it a bit early
for terrible twos?

Is there terrible ones?
Is that a thing?

Oh, piano-playing bunny,
you slay me.

Okey dokey.

We need some eyes on the prize,
visual confirmation here.

(snoring)

Oh, Daddy.

If I were there,
I'd pinch you so hard.

(sleepily):
* Sail away, sail away... *

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Your time-out has concluded.

Sail away! What time is it?

AUTOMATED VOICE:
It is time for recess.

I'm late, I'm late,
I'm late, I'm late. Come on.

(chuckling):
He'll understand, right?

(gasps) Okay.
Where is he? Where is he?

-Where is he? Uh...
-(kids chattering, whooping)

-Oomph! Yeah, baby!
-(cheering)

No, not my bows.

-But they're not your bows...
anymore. -(sobbing)

Yep, where there's crying,
there's my brother.

(playing "May" from
The Shawshank Redemption)

BABY (whispers):
Psst. Here you go.

BABY 2:
Cool.

(grunting):
Glue. Glue. Glue.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, blue.
-Whoa!

Where do you think
youse going? You lost?

Could you let me through,
please?

No!

So, what, did you flunk
coloring class, kid?

-(laughter)
-Really, guy?

Mmm, cherry.

Go on.

-Blues on the other side.
-(groans)

TED:
Let him through.

Okay, he's cool.

TIM:
See? I'm cool.

I'm cool.

You failed me, Tim.

I was desperate.

I crawled.
I did things with glue

that I'm not proud of,
but I made it.

I made it all the way
to Armstrong's office,

and then where's Tim?

-I know. I...
-Where's Tim?

-I tried to...
-Where's Tim?!

-I was in the Box, okay?
-(babies gasping)

-TED: The Box?
-The Box?

Glue.

Yeah, that's right.

(whispers):
The Box.

Show a little respect.

See, Tim, this is why
I work alone.

-(sighs)
-I'll succeed in the mission.

You can take the pony home.

The only thing
you're ever gonna succeed at

is being alone.

-Fine.
-Fine!

Fine!

I like ponies.

Aah! Thank you for sharing.

(piano playing gentle tune)

-(Nathan groans in frustration)
-(piano plays discordant notes)

NATHAN:
You are blowing it, Templeton!

MEGHAN:
Yeah, Templeton.

TABITHA:
I'm trying.

NATHAN: Ugh! You always
come in a beat late.

I'm sorry, Nathan.
I'm doing my best.

Your best is going to keep me
out of going to Juilliard.

-Yeah, Templeton.
-It's one, two, three

-and one, two, three.
-MEGHAN: One, two, three.

NATHAN and MEGHAN:
And one, two, three

and one, two, three
and one, two, three.

-And one, two...
-Oh, come on!

Are you kidding me?

I just can't do it
right now, okay?

I can't. I just can't.

-I'll do it tomorrow.
-MEGHAN: Seriously?

-(school bell rings)
-(kids cheering)

NATHAN: All right,
all right, all right.

See you at the pageant
tomorrow.

Beat it!

MEGHAN: Oh, Nathan,
Nathan, let me do it.

Let me do it, Nathan.

I want to sing the song.

No.

I want to see her fail.

Oh.

Pure genius.

-(laughing)
-(plays ominous chords)

NATHAN:
I can't wait.

-We'll see about that.
-(school bell ringing)

ARMSTRONG (over speaker):
Goodbye, children.

Sayonara.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Adieu.

Adios, niños.

(students chattering)

-(sighs)
-(horse neighs)

(Tim gasps)

Oh, come on.

(yells)

(yelps)

Oh, my gosh.

-Stop what you're doing.
-(chatter stops)

I see a baby pony.

-(screaming)
-(excited chatter)

I like ponies.

STUDENT:
Oh, over there!

-Yes!
-(laughter)

It's so cute!

(excited chatter)

(horn honks)

That's it? No hello?

-Not even a "Hi, Mom"?
-What?

-Hi, Tabitha!
-(gasps)

-Oh. Hi.
-(Tina coughs)

What?
You never told me you had

an older sister
who could drive.

Uh, that's my mom.

Tabitha, don't interrupt.
(chuckles)

-Yeah, I'm a new friend
of Tabitha's... -Hey, stop.

-(mumbling)
-Oh, really?

I-I mean, we just met.

Well, what's your name,
new friend?

Stop. You're embarrassing me.

-Marcos. Marcos Lightspeed.
-(horse neighs)

(babbles, grunts)

-Ow!
-CAROL: Tina!

-What is with you?
-(Tim chuckles)

Cute kid.

Well, I better get going
if I'm gonna walk those

three and a half miles home...

in the snow...

without a jacket.

Three and a half miles?

Three and a half, six--
somewhere in there. (chuckles)

Yeah, well, that TV dinner
is not gonna microwave itself.

TV dinner?

Yeah, I'm a latchkey kid,
so I eat whatever I want.

-Cartoons are my babysitter.
-(tires screech)

-No.
-Oh, yeah.

(scoffs)

* Strangers in the night *

* Exchanging glances *

* Lovers... *

What is this?

Some kind of prank?

Children can be so cruel.

-Hello.
-(electronic chime)

(screaming)

(grunts)

(retches)

-(grunts)
-(babies yelling, laughing)

(grunts)

(retches)

Whoa. This is exactly like
Bill Gates' rec room...

but a little smaller.

(grunting)

-(straining)
-(scraping)

What is all this?

Research and development?

Product testing?

Huh. Something tells me
this isn't day care.

Boy, could I use
a spy camera right about now.

* Sail away, sail away,
sail away. *

Anyway...

-(gasps)
-(muffled babbling)

TED:
Aw.

Now, aren't you a cutie
in that little karate outfit.

(baby grunts)

Huh.

(all whooping, grunting)

Is this some kind
of a ninja boy band?

(screams)

-Whoa...!
-(babies whooping)

Whoa!

Oh. Whoa, whoa.

(all grunting, whooping)

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh!

(screams)

Whoa. (yells)

I give up.

Cobra Kai! Cobra Kai!

(all grunting rapidly)

TED:
Sayonara, baby!

-Hey, there you are.
-Oh, hello! (coughs)

Thank you. (sighs)

I see that you've angered
my baby ninjas.

-Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
-(baby laughs, grunts)

-Shoo. Shoo. (chuckles)
-(sneezes, babbles)

What maniacal underground
fortress doesn't have ninjas?

-Am I right? (grunts)
-Impressive, huh?

Pretty impressive.

What do you think?
What do you think?

TED:
I know tuition is pretty steep,

but how do you afford all this?

ARMSTRONG:
Oh, that's a good question.

-I taught babies to code.
-No.

ARMSTRONG: Yes. And you know
what they say about having

an infinite amount of monkeys
banging on typewriters?

They will eventually
write Shakespeare?

A-plus.
Oh, boy, you are smart.

Or the most popular apps
that money can buy.

Apps. They're writing apps.

-Cat Chat.
-(cat meows)

Palm Doodle.

Ooh, Find My Nose.

-(Ted gasps)
-Stock Crush.

-You did Stock Crush?
-(cash register dings)

I love Stock Crush.

All us. But my next app...

ooh, it's gonna change
the world.

Forever.

So why bother with a school?

You could go public
and make millions.

Oh. (laughs)

-Billions.
-Billions.

Yeah, but some things are
more important than money.

Please don't say "love."

Mmm. Power.

That's more like it.

TIM:
Wow. This is so amazing.

First, the ride, and now
a-a full sit-down dinner.

Wow. What a palace.

-I mean, you have electricity?
-Well, yeah.

Man, you guys
are beyond generous.

You're welcome anytime.

-(groans)
-CAROL: Tabitha, would you mind

-setting the table?
-Okay, Mom.

Really? You're just gonna
throw that right there, huh?

(gasps)

Psst. Psst. Daddy.

-Shh! It's Marcos.
-What are you doing here?

-Where's Uncle Ted?
-What?

He kicked me off the mission.

He can't do that.

Only I can do that.

You're back on the mission.

No need.
I have my own mission now.

What? What could be more
important than my mission?

Got to go. Lightspeed out.

This is so great.
(chuckles)

Well, I hope you're hungry.

Been so long since I've
used silverware. (chuckles)

So, how'd you like
your first day?

Kind of intense.

(chuckles):
Yeah. You'll get used to it.

-Even that Nathan kid?
-Nathan.

-Ugh. He's a mess.
-(chuckles): Yeah.

-He is such a square.
-A square?

Uh, yeah, you know,
like a dork.

Dweeb. Nerdlet.
A real poindexter.

Lame-o. Dorkus to the max.

(chuckles)
They used to call me.

-(chuckles) You're weird.
-I am?

Yeah, but in a good way.

(both chuckle)

So, why is the pageant
stressing you out so much?

(groans)
I have to sing.

-So what?
-I don't know.

My whole family is
going to be there,

including my dad.

Oh.

Right.

You're embarrassed of him?

No. No, it's not that.

(Tim sighs heavily)

It's just, he's really good
at this kind of thing--

being creative
and using your imagination--

but it's hard for me.

I just want him
to be proud of me.

You know?

(coos)

Really?

Well, yeah.

Um, who are
these extra plates for?

-(doorbell rings)
-(whispers): Mom and Dad.

Hey, hey!
The key still works!

You guys should really
change the locks.

-Oh, you made it.
-Look who's here!

Mom and Dad.

TABITHA:
Grandma! Grandpa!

-TED SR.: There she is.
-(gasps)

-Come here, my little
tabby cat. -Yay! You're here!

-Look at how big you are.
-You're almost a teenager.

Can you vote yet?

TABITHA: Ten and a half
more years, Grandma.

Daddy, they're gonna
recognize you.

No, no. It's fine.

I've got the glasses. See?

-TED SR. and TABITHA: Selfie!
-How do you do it again?

Bring out the baby.

-Hide!
-Where are you hiding that baby?

No. Just be cool. Be cool.

-JANICE: There she is.
-TED SR.: Hello.

TED SR.:
Hey, who's the new guy?

-That's Marcos.
-I gotcha.

(babies clamoring)

Attention, babies. Bienvenue.

Willkommen.

Dobro pozhalovat'.

-And namaste.
-(clamoring continues)

Uh, babies.

Hey, hey.

-No more screen time.
-(clamoring stops)

-(whimpering)
-ARMSTRONG: Listen.

Believe it or not,
I used to be just like you.

-(cooing)
-Yes. I even had parents.

Mine were child psychologists

who made me part
of an experiment.

Really?

They exposed me to 10,000 hours

-of Mozart, language lessons
and public radio. -Huh. Wow.

I hate public radio.

It was at that point I realized
I was smarter than my parents.

And with my first step,
I ran away from home.

-(babies moan sadly)
-Why?

They pushed me around.

I got told what to do
all the time.

(crying)

But a single word
changed my life.

"No." Say it.

ALL:
No!

-Take a nap.
-Nyet!

-Put on your coat.
-Nein!

-Eat your vegetables.
-Nahii!

Are you gonna let grown-ups
push you around?

No, no! No, no, no!
No, no! No, no, no!

-Are you?
-Good God, no.

That's right.

Why do parents get to be
in charge, anyway?

They had their chance,
and what did we get?

Pollution, politics, wars.

BABIES:
Ooh.

Not "ooh." "Boo."

ALL:
Boo!

The only thing holding us back
is them,

but not anymore.

The moment that we've worked
so hard for is almost here.

-B-Day.
-(babies cheering)

-B-Day?
-B-Day.

-I'm this many.
-I'm this many.

No, no, it's not...
it's not your birthday.

It's the beginning
of the baby revolution.

-Yay, yay.
-(babies cheering)

And there'll be cake.
Cake for everybody.

BABIES (chanting): Cake! Cake!
Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake!

-No more rules.
-(chanting continues)

Oh là là!

No more parents.

Uh-oh.

Pew, pew, pew, pew!

Sayonara, Mama and Papa!

-Oh, this is bad.
-(chuckles)

All right, pep rally's over.

Your-your parents
are gonna pick you up.

(crying)

This is my life's work.

Oh, yes, 17 long months.

To... no more parents.
(laughs)

Mmm. (gargles, slurps)

Cheers to the revolution.

-No. Nope. Nope.
-(Tabitha chuckles)

-No. Oh, that's a keeper.
-TABITHA: Oh, Tina.

Oh, it's so cute.
What's the app called?

-It's called QT Snap.
-Oh.

-Show me how to download that.
-Everyone has it.

So, Marcos... Lightspeed?

-Is that what you said?
-Mm-hmm.

Sounds like a cartoon name.

(laughing)

-It really does.
-(laughs awkwardly)

Well, my parents,
they're a little wacky, so...

(slurping)

Huh. It's like I know you
from somewhere.

I don't think so.

-That is a keeper, too.
-Hey. Hey.

-Doesn't he look familiar?
-I don't think I do.

Yeah, he looks just like Tim.

Yeah. You look like Tim.

-(coughs)
-Hmm? -Huh?

Except Tim didn't wear glasses.

Oh, that's right.
(scoffs)

Huh. Well, how about that.

-(Tina sighs)
-Hey, where is Tim, anyway?

Tim and Ted are on a trip.

-TED SR. and JANICE: Together?
-They're bonding.

-Well, that's about time.
-Yeah.

I just hope Tim's back
in time for the pageant.

-(Janice scoffs)
-(Ted Sr. chuckles)

Uh, why...
why wouldn't he be there?

-(laughs) Tim Time.
-Tim Time.

-JANICE: Oh. (chuckles)
-(Carol laughs)

What's-what's Tim Time?

-Go ahead.
-Okay.

Well, Marcos, Tim Time
is like a black hole

where things like reality
and being on time get lost.

-(Tabitha laughs)
-Oh.

Tabitha's father has
a very active imagination.

Which is a good thing.

Yeah, that's a...
I'd say that's a good thing.

Oh, remember when he said our
boss was trying to kidnap us?

-He did?
-(laughter)

TED SR.: Or that his baby
brother could walk and talk

but only when
we weren't looking.

(laughter)

("William TellOverture"
playing)

(chuckling):
Wow. Turn around.

TABITHA:
That's so Dad.

You know, Ted was
quite a handful himself.

-Oh, he could be very...
-TED SR.: Uptight.

JANICE:
Mm. Yes. High-strung.

Oh. Remember the time
he sued us?

-(laughter)
-JANICE: Teenagers. Ugh.

He really looked up
to his big brother, though.

-BOTH: He did?
-JANICE: Oh, yeah.

He wouldn't leave him alone.

Everything Tim did,
Teddy wanted to do.

-TABITHA: Really?
-Yeah.

-Tagalong Teddy, we called him.
-(Tabitha chuckles)

-JANICE: Well, not to his face.
-TED SR.: No, no.

Not to his face.
He was very litigious.

But you know what?
Your dad didn't mind.

He was so proud
of his little brother.

-Oh, yeah.
-He loved showing him off.

TED SR.: Those guys did
everything together.

JANICE:
They were best friends.

-Just like you and me.
-(Tina giggling)

Right, Tina?

Best friends forever.

-Tickle monster!
-(Carol chuckles)

CAROL:
That's so sweet.

TABITHA:
And this is my closet.

-TIM: Oh, cool closet.
-And this is my bed.

-And this is my fish.
-(tapping)

-Hey, want to see something
really, really cool? -Sure.

I made this vocalizer
for Dr. Hawking.

Hey, my old...

-What did you do?!
-Check this out.

Say hello, Dr. Hawking.

ROBOTIC VOICE:
Hell-l-l-l-l...

(grunts)
Um, he has performance anxiety.

Mm-hmm. Yep.

Oh, this is Lamb Lamb.

Hey, Lamb Lamb.

That's my galaxy model
right up there on my shelf.

My scientist of the week award.

-Wow.
-My geode rock collection.

And my telescope.

Sweet.

-Hey, cool guitar.
-Yeah.

That's my dad's.

Cool dad. (grunts)

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm a lot taller
in my mind.

Hey, if you want,
I can help you with your song.

No, you can't.

-Your ears will bleed.
-Oh, please.

It'll be fun.

How about this one?
It's a classic.

(sighs)
Do we have to?

Come on. Let's try.

Okay.

It's not gonna be good, though.

No judgment.

We're just having fun.

(playing gentle melody)

(off-key):
* There's no place like home *

* For the holidays *

ROBOTIC VOICE:
Please stop.

-No, stop. Aah...!
-* 'Cause no matter *

* How far away you roam... *

(stops playing)

Good... try.

Ugh! I just get so nervous.

(chuckles):
That's okay.

Listen, all you got to do

is imagine that
you're inside the song.

Everything in the lyrics
is actually happening to you.

And you can see the notes.

(playing "If You Want
to Sing Out, Sing Out")

TIM: * Well, if you want
to sing out, sing out *

* And if you want
to be free, be free *

-Wow. Whoa! -* 'Cause there's
a million things to be *

-* You know that there are *
-Whoa. Marcos, wait up.

-Come on.
-(grunts)

-* And if you want to sing
high, sing high * -(whimpering)

-That's a little too high.
-* And if you want *

-* To sing low, sing low *
-Whoa.

I got you.

-* 'Cause there's a million
ways to go * -(gasps)

* You know that there are *

OMG, that's a lot.

(screams)

* Uh-huh, it's easy *

-* Uh-huh *
-(screams, laughs)

* You only need to try *

(screams, laughs)

(yelling)

* You can sing what you want *

Whoo! Yeah, this is fun!

-* The opportunity's yours *
-(whooping)

* And if you do it your way *

Whoa.

* You can do it today *

Marcos, wait. Where are you?

Come on. You can do it.

-I can't. I can't.
-(audience cheering)

* *

(gasps softly)

(audience murmuring quietly)

(panting nervously)

-Now go for it.
-(audience chattering)

-* Ah-ah-ah *
-(chatter stops)

* *

Whoa. (chuckles)

Hey.

* It's easy *

* Ah-ah-ah *

* You only need to try *

TABITHA:
All right. My turn.

TIM:
Here we go. It's all you.

* Well, if I want
to sing out, sing out *

-* Sing out *
-Yes, let it out.

* And if I want
to be free, be free *

* Be free *

* 'Cause there's
a million things to be *

* I know that there are,
I know that there are *

-* I know that there are *
-* You know that there are *

-* I know that there are... *
-* You know that there are... *

-* I know that there are *
-* You know that there are *

* I know that there are. *

Wow. That was so great.

No, you were so great.

Thanks, Marcos.

-(camera clicks)
-What?

-Oh, that's a keeper.
-Oh, they can see us.

-They can see us.
-Aw.

Guys, come on.

Stop. No, do it. Do it.

(chuckling):
Oh, no.

Parents, right? (chuckles)

-Bye, Templeton family!
-CAROL: Bye-bye.

-Bye, Marcos.
-Lightspeed.

Weird kid.

JANICE:
Yeah, I don't like him.

(guitar playing softly)

* Catch my eye *

* Take my hand *

* This bond is tighter
than we *

You go get 'em, Tabitha.

* Ever planned *

* Give me courage *

* So I can land... *

TINA: Pick up, pick up,
pick up, pick up,

pick up, pick up,
pick up, pick up, pick up,

pick up, pick up, pick up,
pick up. Choo-choo!

Don't they understand
it's the fate of the world?

I've been on hold forever!

CHILD: All operators
are currently napping.

I've been on hold so long
I got a tooth growing in.

Back in my day, we wrote memos.

That's cute and old-timey.

(scoffs)

TED:
I weep for the future.

Do you want to talk about your
feelings now while I'm on hold?

I can give you 20 minutes.

No.

Let's get to the nut,
the nugget.

What are you afraid of?

Sharks, getting shot
in the head with an arrow,

and... the IRS.

-That's it.
-There you go.

Was that so hard?
Baby steps.

Now, what about being lonely?

-I'm not lonely.
-Mm-hmm.

I'm just... alone.

There's a difference.

-I think it's time
you read your file. -(gasps)

-Ah-ah-ah-ah.
-Just give me.

Whoa. This is it?

It's so thin.

YOUNG TIM:
Dear Boss Baby,

I promise you this:

Every morning when
you wake up, I will be there.

Every night at dinner,
I will be there.

Every birthday party,
every Christmas morning,

I will be there.

Year after year after year.

And you and I
will always be brothers.

Always.

Makes me want to make
a sad face.

(toy train whistle blows)

We were just kids.

We didn't know anything
about the real world.

And eventually,
you have to grow up.

Just because you grow up,
it doesn't mean

you have to grow apart.

I don't know.
Maybe it's already too late.

TIM (grunting):
Hey.

Sorry I'm late.

TINA:
Daddy!

Daddy, Daddy.

What's going on?

Uncle Ted really misses you.

-Isn't that nice?
-(toy train whistle blows)

So, hey, uh, what you doing?

Oh, I was, uh...

I don't know,
I was just working on this.

(gasps)

Look, I'm sorry about
what I said at recess.

What happens on the playground
stays on the playground.

I was just worried
about Tabitha, you know?

She's your daughter. I get it.

This whole time,
I was thinking about

what I wanted
and not what she needed.

I think I finally got this
parenting thing figured out.

Gold star for you, Daddy.

-Keep it up, Pops.
-Yeah, well, about that.

Armstrong wants to get rid
of parents somehow.

-Sorry, what? -He's planning
a baby revolution.

Ugh, come on.

Just when I got good
at this whole parenting thing.

We got to stop him.

-Not we.
-You?

Neither one of us.

-BabyCorp is taking it
from here. -Ah.

So, what, they're gonna send in
the Baby SEALS or something?

-Looks like it.
-So you'll, um...

you'll be headed back
to your office.

TED: Uh, yeah.
Well, keep in touch, Tim.

Hello? BabyCorp?

Thank goodness, BabyCorp.
Well, BabyCo...

(stammering):
Wha-What? What are you saying,

there's not enough evidence,
BabyCorp? I...

-Uh-oh. -So you're not
gonna do anything?

But, BabyCorp, I...

Ugh. Well, then
we'll take care of it.

You know what, BabyCorp?

I quit!

What a bunch of
diaper sniffers. (grunts)

(whistle blows,
train powers down)

Looks like we have to stop
Armstrong ourselves.

We're going rogue.
I like it.

-So the mission's back on?
-Yeah.

If you two can put up with
each other a little longer.

I suppose I can live with that.
Tim?

I think that's doable.

Yay!

Forced together again.

WIZZIE:
It's 8:45 p.m.

TED:
Okay. Our clock is ticking.

We have to stop Armstrong
before the formula wears off.

Working as a team,
we will strike at the pageant.

Go, Tina.

Now, this top secret
document...

Sweetie, it's the program.

This top secret program reveals

that Armstrong is scheduled
to address the audience,

which he will do right here
at the very end.

We need someone backstage.
Tim, that's you.

How am I gonna get backstage
if I'm not in the pageant?

TED: My people will
take care of that.

(toy squeaks)

-Ah!
-Thank you.

-(chuckles)
-Thank you.

-No!
-Great.

-And... go.
-(laughing)

Glue.

(screams)

ROBOT VOICE:
There, there. All better.

Awesome.

Now, I'll be your eyes
and your ears in the audience.

I can't let Mommy see me talk,

or she's gonna start
squealing and hugging me,

but these little doodads
will let you

understand my baby talk.

It's called a GAGA device.

-Aw, that's cute.
-Check it out.

(speaks gibberish)

(over GAGA):
Can you hear me, Daddy?

Also cute.

Meanwhile,
with my new purple status,

I can stay close to Armstrong.

Um, that's-that's an eyebrow.

-Oh. Sorry.
-Uh, no, that's, uh...

TED:
When the moment is right,

I'll implant a device.

-Got it.
-Got what?

I mean, you've got this.

Go get 'em, tiger.
(chuckles)

-Oh, thank you, parents.
-(applause)

Thank you. There's the...

There's the old enthusiasm
I like to see.

TINA: This will
allow me to control his suit.

I can make Muttonchops
do whatever I want.

(babbling)

TINA:
I can make him dance.

I can make him prance.

-Hey, no, no, no, no.
-Including exposing himself

-to the audience.
-(audience gasps)

-(screams) -Every parent
will pull out their phone.

Don't look at me.
Don't look at me!

The photos will spread
like a diaper rash.

Cut to our pizza party.

Boom! Bam! Poo! Poof!

Questions?

After Tabitha sings
her solo, right?

After Tabitha sings.

Now we just sit back, relax
and enjoy the show.

(fanfare playing)

ARMSTRONG: Welcome, parents,
to our holiday pageant.

Remember, flash photography
in the auditorium

is absolutely okay.

Take a picture. Show your kids
that you love 'em.

Yippee!

Come on, Tim.

-You promised you'd be here.
-(man groans)

Oh, sorry. This seat is taken.

-Yep. Sorry.
-Oh, no. (mutters)

-So sorry. I... Sorry.
-(man grunts, mutters)

-Sorry! I am so sorry.
-(speaking gibberish)

(over GAGA): Uncle Teddy,
are you in position?

The baby's in the cradle.

-The baby's in the cradle.
-Mmm. (slurping)

(speaking gibberish)

(over GAGA):
Papa Bear, can you read me?

The flake has landed.

Places! Places, everybody!

-Here we go. Here we go.
-Oh, my gosh.

-It's starting. It's starting.
-(sighs) Finally.

It's starting. It's starting.

Yay!

-You're a big pageant guy, huh?
-No, no, no.

I'm not talking about the show.
I'm talking about B-Day.

B-Day?

Oh, yeah. It's already
in the parents' phones.

(coughs)

I taught babies to code.

TED:
Apps. They're writing apps.

But my next app...

ooh, it's gonna change
the world forever.

QT Snap is the app that's going
to change the world forever?

Forever starts today.
(chuckles)

Uh, cool. (gasps)

(audience gasping)

* *

AUDIENCE:
Aw.

-KIDS: * It's wintertime *
-(Tim mumbling)

* It's the best time of year *

* But due to ice caps melting *

* Global warming's here *

* It feels like summer *

* The snow has disappeared *

* It's all our parents' fault *

-* So we're all doomed *
-TIM: * All, uh... *

* Doomed. *

This is kind of dark.

Did the kids just say
we're doomed?

What the heck are we watching?

-(camera clicks)
-(yelps)

Their brains are
turning to mush.

Months of hypnotic research
embedded

in the most user-friendly
photo app ever made.

Ooh.

Now all we need to do
is sit back, relax

and enjoy the show.

-WOMAN: Hey!
-Right.

(chuckles) I'll be right back.
We're, uh...

-WOMAN: Hey!
-...out of Dundle Floofers.

-(chuckles)
-Mmm.

(chuckling)

KIDS:
Diwali!

(traditional Hindu music
playing)

Las Posadas!

(mariachi music playing)

-Agnostic!
-(music stops)

-And Hanukkah!
-(screams)

Your son is so talented.

-Oh, so is yours.
-Liars.

Tina, come in.
B-Day is happening now.

It's all in the phones.

Armstrong is using an app
to brainwash the parents.

-(gasps)
-(over GAGA): Gasp.

-TED: We have to stop the show.
-(speaking gibberish)

(over GAGA):
Okay, okay. Uh, there's a...

there's a big old
no-touchy switch backstage.

(speaking gibberish)

(over GAGA): Daddy,
we have to pull the plug.

Daddy, come in.
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy,

Daddy, Daddy, Daddy,
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.

Ugh. He's not responding.

(panting):
Of course not.

-I'll do it myself.
-Stop!

-(grunts)
-Theater kids only.

Oh, come on, nativity!

Look holier!

(angelic choir vocalizing)

(gasps)

TIM:
Hey, Tabitha.

(chuckling):
Don't you worry, okay?

You're gonna be great.

Thanks, Marcos.
And thanks for all your help.

Anytime.

I feel like you really
understand me.

I'm so excited.

I can't wait to see the look
on my dad's face when I sing.

MEGHAN:
Hey! You're on, Templeton!

Wish me luck.

MEGHAN:
And break a leg.

Or two, for that matter.
(laughs)

KIDS:
* We're in this together *

* We live in harmony... *

TED:
Psst.

Tim!

Is that the baby Jesus?

(gasps)

(screams)

(laughing)

* *

* We have to shut down
the pageant. *

-Yeah!
-What? No. Why?

Armstrong's turning
the parents into zombies

so they'll do
whatever he wants.

What? What are you doing? No!

-(grunts)
-(chair crashes)

Tabitha's on next.

TED: You'd risk
the future of the world

-to see your daughter sing?
-Yes!

-I have to be there for her.
-Look who's worried about

showing up for things
all of a sudden.

What's that supposed to mean?

You didn't even come
to my graduation.

Ow! Which one?

Business school, law school.
None of them.

You didn't even come
to my wedding.

-Which one?
-I only had one!

We had a deal, Tim.

You promised
you'd be there always.

Whoa. Where did you...

-Breach of contract!
-(grunts)

(ninja babies whooping)

Whoa.

-Whoa!
-Whoa!

ARMSTRONG:
How do you do there, fellas?

(chuckles)
Nothing's gonna ruin my B-Day.

Not even you.

-Oh, busted.
-Yeah, it was obvious

from the very, very beginning

that you two were
working together.

What gave us away?

Well, I'd say the bickering,

the, uh, petty disputes,

the jealousy.

You know, you two are brothers
in every single way.

(hums a tune)

-Off to the Box they go.
-(ninja babies yelling)

What? No.
Not the Box. Not now.

Please.

Aw, it's just... it's too bad
that you're never gonna

have a chance to reboot
your relationship and...

-No!
-...and restore the closeness

that you once felt.

-Sorry about that.
-No.

-No, no, no, no. No!
-Adios, Marcos.

* Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh... *

CAROL:
Oh, look, look. There she is.

There's our little angel.

-Oh! Tabby's in the tree.
-Ah! Oh!

* Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh *

* Ooh-ooh-ooh... *

(ninja babies
speaking gibberish, laughing)

(yells)

You had one job to do.

One job.

-Oh, no.
-The fountain.

It's flooding the room.

This isn't a time-out.

It's game over.

* Ooh-ooh *

* Ooh-ooh-ooh *

(panting)

MEGHAN:
Psst.

It's one, two, three
and one, two, three.

-(gasps, pants)
-(piano playing)

* Catch my eye *

* Take my hand *

* This bond is tighter
than we ever planned *

* Give me courage *

* So I can land *

* We know that
divided we'll fall *

* So together we stand *

* Laugh and cry with me *

* Fly that high with me *

-* See the sunset
and the sunrise * -(gasping)

-* The world looks so good
through our eyes * -Wow.

* Like the moon
and stars at night *

You're right. I blew it.

I ruined the mission.
(sighs)

And I'm a terrible father.

Hey, you did sort of
ruin the mission.

But you're a great dad.

No, I'm not.

I could never do your job.

I mean, you work
around the clock,

you can't even quit
if you wanted to,

and you don't even get paid.

Frankly, I don't see
how that's legal.

I was always jealous of you.

I wanted to be successful,
too, you know.

Sure, Tim.

I made a lot of money...

but you made a family.

The truth is...

it's lonely at the top.

* Reach with me *

* See the sky *

* I'll always be here
for the rest of your life *

* Sail that ocean *

* Find that sand *

* We know that
divided we'll fall *

* So together we stand *

(kids vocalizing)

You know, I'm... I'm sorry we
don't see each other anymore.

A very wise person
once told me,

just because you grow up

doesn't mean
you have to grow apart.

-Was it Tina?
-Oh, yeah.

(laughing): Oh, it is crazy
how smart she is.

It's like she looks
right into your soul.

I'm sorry that I missed
your graduations.

I'm sorry I missed
your one wedding.

BOTH: I'm sorry
I wasn't there for you.

* Side by side *

* Hand in hand *

* We speak a language
no one else can understand *

-* Hear those cheers *
-(cameras clicking)

* Strike up the band *

* We know that
divided we'll fall *

* So together we stand. *

(chuckles)

(panting)

(pants, whimpers)

(one person clapping)

(hyperventilating)

(crying)

Oh, Tabitha.

(gasps) Gramps?

Nana? Mom?

Oh, no!

-(grunts)
-Oh, my gosh, Tabitha.

You did such a great job.

Well, that's just
horribly rude of you all.

Come on, everybody.

Uh, how about
a standing ovation?

-(laughs) Very good.
-(Tina gasps)

They're zombies!

We did it!

-The baby revolution has begun.
-(babies cheering, laughing)

No more need for costumes.

(yells, laughs)

Who wants cake?

Oh, my gosh.

ARMSTRONG:
Happy B-Day, everybody.

Daddy, Uncle Ted.

Come in. Where are you?

(crying)

* *

(door opens, closes)

(sniffles)

TINA:
Here you go, sis.

Now, I already used this,
so I know it's safe.

Thanks.

Wait. Are you t-talking?

(chuckling): I know.
It's pretty weird, isn't it?

(screams)
Oh, my gosh, you're talking!

It's an emergency.

I'm on a supersecret mission
from BabyCorp.

(gasps)

You mean Dad's stories
are true?

That's what the suit says.

How do I look?

No way!

Now, I can't get ahold
of Dad or Uncle Ted,

so I need your help, big sis.

Wait, wait.
Dad's here?

They've been here
the whole time.

-Where? -I don't have
much time to explain,

but Dr. Armstrong is a baby.

A very bad, bad baby.

Soon, the world is
gonna be our playground.

-Whee! (grunts) -("Push It"
by Salt-N-Pepa playing)

(laughs)

Now we can make parents
do whatever we want.

Awesome! Yeah!

No more rules.

Sayonara, Mama and Papa.

Yeah.

(babies laughing)

-Mom?
-Dad?

Grandpa?

Whoa. Are you kidding me?

We need to shut it down
before it goes global.

-ARMSTRONG: Yeah. (laughs)
-What are we gonna do?

Okay, we need to find
the big whatchamacallit

that controls
the parents' phones.

-The server.
-Yes. Yes.

Is there a big one
of those whatsits at school?

Uh, let's see.

Well, servers get really hot,
so you need air ducts.

TINA:
Now you're thinking!

TABITHA:
Which intersect at the acorn!

-A-plus!
-Come on.

-This way.
-(gasps)

Opportunity knocks.

First, we need to make
a quick pit stop.

AUTOMATED VOICE (distorted):
Your time has concluded.

-(both panting)
-It looks like this is it, Tim.

Well, hey, at least we have

these last final
precious moments together.

Precious. Precious!

(whistling)

-* *
-(whinnies)

-Oh, right. Precious. Precious!
-(continues whistling)

* *

-(Ted continues whistling)
-(Tim sputtering)

(whistling and sputtering
continue)

(banging on glass)

(both gasping)

(grunts)

(coughing)

(whinnies)

That's my girl.

Thank you.

(sputters, spits)

(gasps) Tina?

Tina, Tina, come in.
It's Daddy.

Daddy! Listen, we have
to shut down the server.

-It's in the acorn.
-Whoa.

This is so weird.

I call shotgun.

Quick, to the acorn!

-TED: Hyah!
-(neighing)

BOTH:
Yeehaw!

Hold on to your chaps, pal.

-(ninja baby shouts)
-Whoa!

(all whooping)

-(screams)
-Oh, no!

Glue! (laughs)

Yah! Pixie dust! Aha.

-Yeah, baby. -Yes.
-(whinnies)

(babbling)

(eerie chuckling)

(shouts)

(eerie chuckling)

Wha...?

CREEPY GIRL:
Where'd I go?

-Whoa!
-I like your pajamas.

(screams)

(ninja babies crying)

Where are you going?

-Hyah!
-(whooping)

-Glue.
-TED: I'm proud to be a yellow.

I like your pony.

(both scream)

Thank you.

-(crying)
-ARMSTRONG (over radio): What?

Ah, ah, ah. No, no, no.

(whirring)

Now let's crack that big nut.
(grunts)

Oh, no.
It's about to go worldwide.

How are we gonna get up there?

-Really?
-ARMSTRONG: Well, you got grit.

I'll give you that.

Gumption, even. Very admirable.

And yet, uh, annoying.

Quite annoying. Yeah.

I'm gonna have to,
you know, uh, stop you.

Glue me, glue me, glue me.

Precious, sic him.

You're too little and too late.

-(clang)
-Ah, ba-bad dog.

-Pets aren't allowed in school.
-Aah! Precious!

And you, my pudgy protégé.

Go, go, go, go! Move! Move!

-I offered you the world.
-(both yell)

-We could have been partners.
-(groaning)

I've got something better
than a partner.

-I have a brother.
-Yeah!

-(grunts) Let go.
-No, you let go.

Wow. Point taken.

What? What's going on?

(yelling)

Hey, that's my leisure suit.

It looks better on her.

Hands up, diapers down.

Things are about to get weird.

-Yeah, that's my girls!
-(Ted laughs)

-That's really Dad?
-Yep.

I said a lot of stuff
to that kid.

Well, quite the family reunion.

Uh, the more the merrier.

-I say let's call your parents.
-TIM: Oh, no.

(zombielike murmuring)

-Uh-oh.
-Okay.

Mommy and Daddy,
let's hug 'em-- to death.

Oh, don't worry about us.
Get to the server.

-Go, Tina, go!
-(whoops)

-(Armstrong stammering)
-(Tina grunts, yells)

-Hey!
-You got this, Tina.

Get down from there.

TED:
Go for his lollies!

Never touch another man's pony.

(all grunt)

Here. Stick around.
Stick around.

Uh, Tim, what do we do now?!

Don't move.
Maybe they won't see us.

TED:
They see us, Tim. They see us.

TIM:
Did you move? I didn't move.

-TED: Really, Tim?
-(grunting)

Oh. Hey, that's a little
too high now.

Don't look down.
Look straight ahead, okay?

(grunts, whimpers)

-(buzzer sounds)
-It's locked.

Can I give you a hand?

Of course,
I mean that facetiously,

because the hand acts as a...
as a key.

No, no. No, no, no.

-Hey, hey. No, no, no, no.
-Thanks, sis.

(grunts)
Stay away from my server.

-(yells)
-(grunts)

-Shut it down, Tabitha.
-What are you doing?

What are you doing?
No, no, no! No!

Don't do that.

-Oh, no!
-(zombielike grunting)

-Hugs.
-Hug Grandpa.

It's Night of
the Living Boomers.

-Dad, stop! (screams)
-ADULTS: Hugs.

(yells)

(grunts, gasps)

(groans) Back.
Back, you little monsters.

-You back off, candy pants.
-(yells, grunts)

(screams)

Ha! Got your nose.

(grunting)

Oh, right in the breadbasket!

(both grunting rapidly)

(both babbling)

-Ow!
-Ha!

-Knocked his block off.
-Ah, poopy.

Tina, I think I got it. Yes!

Don't hit that button.
Don't hit that button. Aah!

Ow! Ooh!

-And... enter.
-ARMSTRONG: No, no! Stop it!

-(screams)
-Cut it out. (mutters)

-Look what you made me do.
-(gasps) The fire alarm.

-ARMSTRONG: Darn it.
-TABITHA: Dad!

Uncle Ted!
Pull the fire alarm!

-The girls need help.
-TED: No kissies!

The girls need us. (grunts)

-(alarm ringing)
-(grunts) Time's up, halflings.

(sputters)
Great galloping gargoyles!

-(Ted screaming)
-WIZZIE: What? What?

Tim! Get to the fire alarm!

I'll hold them back.

TED:
Make it rain, baby.

TIM:
I'm on it.

What's the matter?

(voice cracks): You can't
handle the awkward phase?

(whimpering)

Go, Marcos... uh, Dad. Go!

-(gasps)
-I'm back!

-Here we go.
-Come on.

How about another round,
you tough guy? Come on!

Ow. Stop it.

I still got these.
(grunting)

TABITHA:
You put my sister down.

B-Day will happen,
whether you like it or not.

-You shall not pass!
-(zombielike murmuring)

Uh, you shall not pass.

No! Stop passing.

-(grunts)
-(fire alarm ringing)

Yeah, Dad!

Way to go! (whoops)

-(alarm stops)
-(Tabitha gasps)

TABITHA:
That's it?

That's right. Why? What?
The school's expensive.

-I had to cut costs someplace.
-(both grunt)

Oh, no. It's not working.

Did you pull it right?

How else you gonna pull it?

ARMSTRONG (laughs):
You'll see I'm right.

I'll show everybody.

The age of parents is over.

(babies cooing, murmuring)

ARMSTRONG:
Yay, yay, yay. (sighs)

How about you watch me
have a little toast?

To the baby revolution
and to me.

(gasps)

-It's time for the
candy volcano... -Mmm, mmm.

-Oh, that's good.
-TABITHA and TINA: Of doom!

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

No, no, no! No!

(yells)
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

-No, no, no.
-Boom shakalaka?

-Boom!
-Don't do that!

-(crackling, sizzling)
-(screaming)

(both grunt)

-Whoa!
-(screaming)

-(grunts)
-TINA: Oh, no!

-Tabitha!
-(Armstrong grunting)

(grunts)

No! Someone help me, please!

Tabitha, hang on!

Ted, I need upsies-- now.

(both grunt)

-(yelps, grunts)
-(Tabitha screaming)

Dad, help me!

Look at you.

You're smart. You're strong.

You don't need parents.

What can they possibly
offer you?

-How about unconditional love?
-(gasps, yells)

-That's what.
-No, no, no. No.

-Sayonara.
-No, no, no. No. (screams)

-(grunts)
-(Armstrong screams, whimpers)

TIM:
Tabitha!

(strained grunting)

(yells)

-I'm gonna fall!
-Tabitha!

Hang on!

(screams)

I got you. I got you.

(both sigh)

I got you, Tabitha.

(panting)

I got you.

That's my big brother.

Thanks, Marcos Lightspeed.

Mwah.

I thought we both
had to grow up.

Well, let's not
grow up too fast.

(sighs)

I love you, Dad.

I love you, Tabitha Templeton.

Aw. You see that?

And you wanted
to take it all away.

-Where you going?
-Home.

You know, Doc,
childhood doesn't last forever,

but family sure does.

Uncle Ted! Heads up!

-(screams, grunts)
-Woo-hoo!

We win! Get ready
to order some pizzas.

(Ted chuckling)

* *

(babies gasping)

(cheering)

Woo-hoo!

-(squeals)
-Cool! (laughs)

-(gasps)
-(murmuring)

(Wizzie laughing)

Huzzah! (laughs)

Huzzah!

-(sighs, grunts)
-(applause)

(cheering)

Oh, sweet.

He who findeth keepeth.

(clears throat)

(kids cheering)

Mommy, Daddy,
I missed you so much.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. Yay!

Junior!

-Glue!
-(Jimbo yelps)

So soft.

Where are we going?

Not bad, Templetons.

Woo-hoo! Yay, Templetons.

Yeah, mission accomplished.

And as a bonus,
we stopped Armstrong, too.

-Huh?
-What?

My real mission was
getting you two back together.

-A-plus! See me after class.
-(Tabitha chuckles)

Wait, so you never
actually quit?

-Nope.
-Huh.

Well played.

I don't like to mix the two,

but I will say
it was never business.

It was always personal.

You know what, kid?

You're the best boss
I ever had.

-Thank you, chief.
-(Tabitha chuckles)

CAROL:
Tim! You actually made it.

-Yeah.
-I mean, I knew you'd make it.

-Teddy.
-Teddy, you're here.

-And look what you're wearing.
-Uh...

Sweetheart, I cried.

Then I went blank.

Oh, come on.
Every-Everyone get together.

This... We got to get this.
Here we go.

-Dad, no! -No!
-What?

(camera clicks)

(guitar playing)

TABITHA:
* We know that *

* Divided we'll fall *

* So together we stand *

* We know that
divided we'll fall *

(camera clicks)

* So together we stand. *

-Yay, Tabitha!
-That was beautiful!

-The crowd goes wild!
-(Tina laughing)

(chuckles)
Thank you. Thank you.

-(whinnies)
-Aah!

Aw, hey, Precious.

(chuckles) You're amazing.

Oh, I wish Teddy
could have been here.

Yeah, I know. Me, too.

-(doorbell rings)
-(gasps)

-Hmm.
-(squealing)

Hey, I was just...

TED:
Merry Christmas, Tim.

I'm sorry I couldn't
be there with you,

but please enjoy this

inappropriately lavish gift
instead.

You've given me
the greatest gift of all.

-You.
-(chuckles)

Love, the best brother
in the world.

P.S. Duck.

(shouts)

(groaning, spitting)

In your face, Leslie!

(chuckling):
Hey. Oh, it is on, Lindsey!

-No. No, no, no, no. Don't,
don't, don't. -Come here!

I'm younger than you.

You're a bigger target.

-(laughs) I got you so good!
-(Ted grunts)

-(laughing)
-TED: No, you didn't.

Aah! You missed me!

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

-Ambush.
-Exactly.

-TIM: Ow!
-TED: Sneak attack!

Oh, isn't it great
to see them fighting again?

(sighs) Finally.

(toy phone ringing)

Shouldn't you pick up?

Nah, we got some
family business.

Woo-hoo! Yeah!

-(Carol gasps)
-(ringing continues)

CHILD (on phone): Tina, we have
another assignment for you.

(gasps, whispers):
I'm listening.

JANICE:
Grandma's coming in hot!

-You want some of Grandpa?
-Everyone, get Tagalong Teddy!

-TIM: It's true.
-Gotcha!

You can't stop time.

But every once in a while,
you get a second chance.

-TABITHA: I'm gonna get you!
-(Precious neighs)

TIM: So, even though
you're only a kid once...

well, unless you get
to be a kid twice,

which is really weird,
to be honest,

but the point is
you have to grow up sometime.

-(Wizzie laughing)
-(camera clicks)

And you should always
be nice to your brother.

TINA: Ah,
that was really sweet, Daddy.

That'll be great for my report.

TIM:
Okay, so... so that's it, then.

TINA: Well, actually,
there's one more little thing.

* *

(door opens)

Mama? Papa?

DAD:
Wha...

-(gasps) Oh, my son.
-(mom gasping)

-(dad sobbing)
-(mom laughing)

MOM:
You came home.

TIM:
Oh, yeah. Right.

TINA:
Okay, Pops. Now.

TIM:
The end.

("Together We Stand" playing)

(children's chorus vocalizing)

* *

TABITHA:
* Catch my eye *

* Take my hand *

* This bond is tighter
than we ever planned *

* Give me courage *

* So I can land *

* We know that
divided we'll fall *

* So together we stand *

* Climb with me *

* Share my dreams *

* Tomorrow's brighter *

* Than it's ever been *

* Fear no danger *

* Make big plans *

* We know that
divided we'll fall *

* So together we stand *

* Laugh and cry with me *

* Fly that high with me *

* See the sunset
and the sunrise *

* The world looks so good
through our eyes *

* Like the moon *

* And stars at night *

* Rest your head *

* Tell me your thoughts *

* Everything I have
and call mine *

* Is all yours *

* Sail that ocean *

* Find that sand *

* We know that
divided we'll fall *

* So together we stand *

(children's chorus vocalizing)

* Reach with me *

* See the sky *

* I'll always be here
for the rest of your life *

* Side by side *

* Hand in hand *

* We speak a language
no one else can understand *

* Hear those cheers *

* Strike up the band *

* We know that
divided we'll fall *

* So together we stand *

* We know that *

* Divided we'll fall *

* So together we stand. *

(song ends)

* *

(chorus vocalizing)

* *

* *

* *

* *

* *

* *

* *

* *

* *

(music fades)