All language subtitles for Inside No 9 s06e06 Last Night of the Proms.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:29,020 --> 00:00:31,910 There. I've got you a nice little blanket. OK? 2 00:00:31,940 --> 00:00:34,200 Pop it on there like that, Daddy. 3 00:00:35,740 --> 00:00:36,840 Sit still. 4 00:00:44,060 --> 00:00:45,160 There. Look at you! 5 00:01:30,180 --> 00:01:33,760 Now, a favourite for the Last Night Of The Proms... 6 00:01:34,180 --> 00:01:37,760 Henry Wood's Fantasia On British Sea Songs. 7 00:01:47,860 --> 00:01:51,200 Dawn, you're missing The Saucy Arethusa! 8 00:01:51,260 --> 00:01:52,640 We'll be through in a minute! 9 00:01:54,700 --> 00:01:57,520 They don't half work hard on that spread, do they, Bri? 10 00:01:58,300 --> 00:02:00,270 Remember that cheeseboard last year? 11 00:02:00,300 --> 00:02:02,830 Red Leicester, White Stilton and the Shropshire Blue. 12 00:02:02,860 --> 00:02:04,030 Mm. How could I forget? 13 00:02:04,060 --> 00:02:06,560 I was farting The National Anthem all the way home. 14 00:02:07,500 --> 00:02:10,360 Using the woodwind section, I suppose? 15 00:02:14,580 --> 00:02:17,200 You're taking music as one of your A levels, aren't you, Ollie? 16 00:02:18,700 --> 00:02:21,040 - What? - Your Uncle Mick asked you a question. 17 00:02:21,180 --> 00:02:22,840 You still studying music? 18 00:02:23,100 --> 00:02:24,160 Music Tech. 19 00:02:24,580 --> 00:02:27,960 Oh, right. On the computers and such. Very wise. 20 00:02:28,660 --> 00:02:30,160 That's the future, isn't it? 21 00:02:30,780 --> 00:02:32,910 Not really - it's more like the present. 22 00:02:32,940 --> 00:02:34,430 Give me vinyl any day. 23 00:02:34,460 --> 00:02:36,080 Music is analogue. 24 00:02:36,540 --> 00:02:37,950 Needs a range of frequencies. 25 00:02:37,980 --> 00:02:41,960 You lose so much compressing it into one of those little boxes. 26 00:02:42,540 --> 00:02:43,470 Little boxes? 27 00:02:43,500 --> 00:02:44,790 iPods or whatever. 28 00:02:44,820 --> 00:02:46,190 Shut up, Dad. No-one cares. 29 00:02:46,220 --> 00:02:48,470 - Wanker. - No, I'm with you, Brian. 30 00:02:48,500 --> 00:02:50,830 Sometimes, the old ways are the best. 31 00:02:50,860 --> 00:02:53,600 Well, that's something we can both agree on at least. 32 00:03:02,740 --> 00:03:04,470 You going to help at all with these arrangements, Penny? 33 00:03:04,500 --> 00:03:07,190 Or are you just gonna stand there rubbing that spoon to kingdom come? 34 00:03:07,220 --> 00:03:09,190 Yeah, sorry. I was just thinking. 35 00:03:09,220 --> 00:03:11,200 Ah, I thought I could smell burning. 36 00:03:11,780 --> 00:03:14,920 Don't let the dog near the table! Please! 37 00:03:15,340 --> 00:03:19,590 Mick smashed a glass there earlier, trying to be Tom Cruise from Cocktail. 38 00:03:19,620 --> 00:03:21,280 "Cockup," I told him! 39 00:03:22,620 --> 00:03:25,040 I always thought Brian had a bit of Tom Cruise in him. 40 00:03:25,540 --> 00:03:28,640 Now I think he'd just like a bit of Tom Cruise in him. 41 00:03:29,620 --> 00:03:32,870 Right, there are two bottles of water in the conservatory - 42 00:03:32,900 --> 00:03:34,150 one still, one sparkling. 43 00:03:34,180 --> 00:03:35,480 Can you get them, please? Thank you. 44 00:03:36,340 --> 00:03:38,360 Well, come on! Chop chop! 45 00:03:40,260 --> 00:03:41,260 Right. 46 00:03:42,900 --> 00:03:44,560 You'll be needing these. 47 00:03:45,140 --> 00:03:48,550 Why? Is Katherine Jenkins making an appearance? 48 00:03:48,580 --> 00:03:50,120 Don't be so disgusting, Brian. 49 00:03:50,420 --> 00:03:51,800 They're for the sobbing. 50 00:04:00,620 --> 00:04:03,030 You see, Ollie, when Henry Wood put these songs together, 51 00:04:03,060 --> 00:04:05,110 it was to represent the life of a British sailor 52 00:04:05,140 --> 00:04:06,710 in the Battle of Trafalgar. 53 00:04:06,740 --> 00:04:09,080 The call to arms, the thoughts of home... 54 00:04:09,180 --> 00:04:12,080 This one's all about the loss of a comrade, Tom Bowling. 55 00:04:12,660 --> 00:04:14,960 And the Prommers, they all pretend to cry. See? 56 00:04:16,100 --> 00:04:17,720 They're having a good old weep. 57 00:04:18,580 --> 00:04:21,110 - Why? - It's tradition, Oliver. 58 00:04:21,140 --> 00:04:22,630 Traditions are important. 59 00:04:22,660 --> 00:04:24,430 Certain songs have got certain actions. 60 00:04:24,460 --> 00:04:26,230 It's a middle-class Time Warp. 61 00:04:26,260 --> 00:04:29,070 The Rocky Horror Show for retired schoolteachers. 62 00:04:29,100 --> 00:04:31,270 Enough of your peevishness, please. Thank you. 63 00:04:31,300 --> 00:04:33,360 This is Oliver's first Last Night. 64 00:04:33,900 --> 00:04:35,710 Heaven knows, it might be Daddy's last. 65 00:04:35,740 --> 00:04:37,320 So let's just try and enjoy it. 66 00:04:40,540 --> 00:04:43,040 Big hairy bush. 67 00:04:46,700 --> 00:04:47,700 Hello. 68 00:04:49,620 --> 00:04:51,480 I saw you earlier, didn't I? 69 00:04:51,540 --> 00:04:52,990 At St Peter's. 70 00:04:53,020 --> 00:04:55,080 I was putting flowers on my mum's grave. 71 00:04:55,660 --> 00:04:59,430 And then I saw you outside Farmfoods on the high street. 72 00:04:59,460 --> 00:05:01,360 I gave you a 2 pound coin. 73 00:05:01,580 --> 00:05:02,600 Do you remember? 74 00:05:03,660 --> 00:05:04,920 Are you following me? 75 00:05:05,900 --> 00:05:07,790 No English very good. 76 00:05:07,820 --> 00:05:10,630 Well, if you've come here to molest me, 77 00:05:10,660 --> 00:05:13,320 that's just too bad - my husband's in the other room. 78 00:05:14,100 --> 00:05:18,600 Although the sound is very loud, so he probably wouldn't hear anything. 79 00:05:18,860 --> 00:05:19,860 I'm Penny. 80 00:05:21,260 --> 00:05:22,260 Yusuf. 81 00:05:22,420 --> 00:05:24,360 Are you a friend of Dawn and Mick's? 82 00:05:24,860 --> 00:05:26,440 I'd be very surprised. 83 00:05:26,820 --> 00:05:30,560 She's not normally keen on people of your...genre. 84 00:05:31,060 --> 00:05:32,060 Friend. 85 00:05:32,100 --> 00:05:35,080 Oh, you've got lovely skin, I know that. 86 00:05:38,220 --> 00:05:38,950 What was that? 87 00:05:38,980 --> 00:05:41,080 I don't know, a balloon or something. 88 00:05:43,220 --> 00:05:45,360 Oh, he's shushing them, look! 89 00:05:47,540 --> 00:05:50,960 Oh, he's quite a character, this chap, isn't he? 90 00:05:58,940 --> 00:06:00,150 God, here we go! 91 00:06:00,180 --> 00:06:01,630 Jack's The Lad! 92 00:06:01,660 --> 00:06:03,910 This is where the fun starts! 93 00:06:03,940 --> 00:06:06,470 Yes, why bother with the Shostakovich and the Verdi 94 00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:09,560 when you can have the Blue Peter theme tune instead. 95 00:06:10,820 --> 00:06:14,520 Your dad likes all the dreary ones, Oliver, but we can't stick 'em. 96 00:06:14,660 --> 00:06:17,470 It doesn't get going for us until the Fantasia Of British Sea Songs. 97 00:06:17,500 --> 00:06:19,910 Fantasia ON British Sea Songs. "On!" 98 00:06:19,940 --> 00:06:20,750 All right! 99 00:06:20,780 --> 00:06:22,950 If you're going to destroy a work by honking all over it, 100 00:06:22,980 --> 00:06:25,790 - at least get the bloody name right! - Don't be such a snob! 101 00:06:25,820 --> 00:06:28,270 I'm not a snob, Dawn, I'm just a music lover. 102 00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:30,870 Oh, I love it when they change the tune deliberately 103 00:06:30,900 --> 00:06:33,200 just to get a rise out of the conductor. 104 00:06:34,020 --> 00:06:35,120 Where's your mother? 105 00:06:36,820 --> 00:06:38,560 It's Last Night Of The Proms. 106 00:06:38,660 --> 00:06:40,120 They play it all over the world. 107 00:06:40,260 --> 00:06:41,920 Well, maybe not where you're from. 108 00:06:42,300 --> 00:06:45,640 This one's called The Sailor's Hornpipe. 109 00:06:46,060 --> 00:06:47,120 Hornpipe. 110 00:06:48,820 --> 00:06:50,560 I want to bob to it. 111 00:06:51,380 --> 00:06:53,040 My husband won't bob. 112 00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:56,080 We haven't bobbed in more than three years! 113 00:06:56,260 --> 00:06:59,110 He says it's because he's depressed about the state of the country, 114 00:06:59,140 --> 00:07:01,550 but that doesn't stop him watching RuPaul's Drag Race 115 00:07:01,580 --> 00:07:04,480 in his study till all hours of the morning! 116 00:07:04,940 --> 00:07:06,840 Can you feel my heart beating? 117 00:07:13,260 --> 00:07:15,750 Come on, Oliver! Come on, Daddy! 118 00:07:15,780 --> 00:07:17,230 No, I'm all right, thanks, Auntie Dawn. 119 00:07:17,260 --> 00:07:17,990 No, nonsense. 120 00:07:18,020 --> 00:07:20,000 You've got to get into the spirit of it. Come on! 121 00:07:21,580 --> 00:07:26,680 And while we're at it, Delibes' Flower Duet is not "the British Airways music". 122 00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:30,710 The Largo from Dvorak's New World Symphony is not "the Hovis music". 123 00:07:30,740 --> 00:07:34,830 And O Fortuna from Carmina Burana deserves far greater respect 124 00:07:34,860 --> 00:07:36,990 than being dubbed "the Old Spice music". 125 00:07:37,020 --> 00:07:38,550 What's Old Spice music? 126 00:07:38,580 --> 00:07:40,360 Theme tune to the X Factor! 127 00:07:41,820 --> 00:07:43,270 I can't leave Brian. 128 00:07:43,300 --> 00:07:44,800 Don't ask me to. 129 00:07:44,860 --> 00:07:46,400 He needs me! 130 00:07:46,940 --> 00:07:48,160 Please. 131 00:07:48,260 --> 00:07:49,640 Where is bathroom? 132 00:07:51,500 --> 00:07:53,070 - Here we go! - Where are we going? 133 00:07:53,100 --> 00:07:54,760 Oh, we're going round. Right. 134 00:08:00,060 --> 00:08:01,280 Oh, right, Daddy! 135 00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:23,640 Oh, well done! 136 00:08:23,700 --> 00:08:26,470 Oh, my God! I'm pooped! 137 00:08:26,500 --> 00:08:29,030 - That's why they call it the poop deck. - Is it? 138 00:08:29,060 --> 00:08:30,480 I've got no idea. 139 00:08:32,500 --> 00:08:34,030 Got a gin and gin tonic itch? 140 00:08:34,060 --> 00:08:35,520 Ooh, yes, please. 141 00:08:39,300 --> 00:08:41,240 Did you enjoy that, Daddy? 142 00:08:41,460 --> 00:08:43,360 Stroke my pizzle. 143 00:08:56,660 --> 00:08:57,960 Can I go now, Dad? 144 00:08:58,460 --> 00:08:59,460 No. 145 00:09:00,580 --> 00:09:03,480 See it through to the bitter end, like I have to. 146 00:09:04,980 --> 00:09:06,160 Can I have a drink, then? 147 00:09:07,420 --> 00:09:08,420 Of course not! 148 00:09:10,940 --> 00:09:16,630 ? There's no place like home. ? 149 00:09:16,660 --> 00:09:18,680 Oh, I'm making a sampler of that. 150 00:09:19,020 --> 00:09:20,600 Tuesday night craft club. 151 00:09:21,300 --> 00:09:24,080 I'm going to hang it there, just beside the fireplace. 152 00:09:25,060 --> 00:09:27,240 Don't you need Ralph's permission to do that? 153 00:09:27,620 --> 00:09:30,080 Oh, he won't mind. Will you, Daddy? 154 00:09:30,380 --> 00:09:32,800 Sieg heil! Hande hoch! 155 00:09:33,460 --> 00:09:34,680 What's it to you, anyway? 156 00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:35,740 Nothing. 157 00:10:10,300 --> 00:10:11,710 Oh, here she is! 158 00:10:11,740 --> 00:10:13,670 You just missed a stomping Hornpipe. 159 00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:15,170 No, I felt it. I heard it. 160 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:16,750 I had my hands full. 161 00:10:16,780 --> 00:10:18,870 Ollie was up, boogying with the oldies. 162 00:10:18,900 --> 00:10:21,280 He taught me a few moves. Dab! 163 00:10:21,380 --> 00:10:22,470 Where the heck have you been? 164 00:10:22,500 --> 00:10:23,990 Oh, I went to get the water. 165 00:10:24,020 --> 00:10:25,870 Well, this is supposed to be a family gathering 166 00:10:25,900 --> 00:10:28,710 and all I've got is Daddy shouting obscenities, 167 00:10:28,740 --> 00:10:30,310 Oliver on his mobile telephone 168 00:10:30,340 --> 00:10:33,630 and your husband giving me lessons on classical music. 169 00:10:33,660 --> 00:10:35,070 - Sorry! - Well, come on, then, 170 00:10:35,100 --> 00:10:36,550 make yourself useful, please. Thank you. 171 00:10:36,580 --> 00:10:38,320 Standing there like a stick of rhubarb. 172 00:10:38,660 --> 00:10:40,160 Oliver's spitting feathers. 173 00:10:55,740 --> 00:10:58,270 See, The Conquering Hero Comes! 174 00:10:58,300 --> 00:11:00,470 Glad to see you've still got your glass full. 175 00:11:00,500 --> 00:11:02,150 Well, how else am I going to get through it? 176 00:11:02,180 --> 00:11:05,430 What? You mean this night, or our marriage? 177 00:11:05,460 --> 00:11:07,240 Are you enjoying yourself, Oliver? 178 00:11:07,380 --> 00:11:08,520 It's all right. 179 00:11:08,580 --> 00:11:10,070 What time does it finish? 180 00:11:10,100 --> 00:11:12,200 Auld Lang Syne. Dab! 181 00:11:17,380 --> 00:11:18,750 We were going to get you a flag 182 00:11:18,780 --> 00:11:21,760 as part of your birthday present, weren't we, Pen? 183 00:11:21,820 --> 00:11:25,360 If you're talking about the EU flag, then, no, thank you very much. 184 00:11:26,180 --> 00:11:27,920 Up yours, Delors! 185 00:11:27,980 --> 00:11:30,590 I think it's scandalous they let so many in this year. 186 00:11:30,620 --> 00:11:32,310 What? Flags or foreigners? 187 00:11:32,340 --> 00:11:33,750 The flags! 188 00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:36,430 It's like bloomin' Eurovision at times. 189 00:11:36,460 --> 00:11:39,550 It's supposed to be an English concert for English people. 190 00:11:39,580 --> 00:11:41,310 BRITISH people, Auntie Dawn. 191 00:11:41,340 --> 00:11:44,360 Aye, let's not forget the wee Scots folk out there. 192 00:11:44,460 --> 00:11:45,990 And the Welsh as well, boyo. 193 00:11:46,020 --> 00:11:48,720 They've got damn fine singing voices! 194 00:11:48,780 --> 00:11:50,720 Oh, I went a bit Pakistani there, didn't I? 195 00:12:05,260 --> 00:12:07,640 Boris! What have you done? 196 00:12:08,220 --> 00:12:10,360 Naughty dog! Naughty! 197 00:12:10,420 --> 00:12:14,040 Mm, who have we got singing Britannia this year? 198 00:12:14,740 --> 00:12:16,520 Very serious looking, isn't he? 199 00:12:17,220 --> 00:12:18,920 Handsome, though. 200 00:12:24,300 --> 00:12:26,120 He's got a look of George Bush about him. 201 00:12:27,860 --> 00:12:30,760 ? When Britain first... ? 202 00:12:30,940 --> 00:12:32,600 Boobies! 203 00:12:32,820 --> 00:12:34,550 Don't laugh, Oliver, please. 204 00:12:34,580 --> 00:12:35,630 It's his medication. 205 00:12:35,660 --> 00:12:41,110 ? Pree-eee-eeety jugs! ? 206 00:12:41,140 --> 00:12:44,280 Before his diagnosis, I never once heard him say a cuss word. 207 00:12:45,500 --> 00:12:46,500 Now... 208 00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:49,000 it's like living with Sid James. 209 00:12:51,660 --> 00:12:54,360 Mum? What is this? 210 00:12:54,660 --> 00:12:55,920 Just mineral water. 211 00:12:58,540 --> 00:13:03,600 ? Rule, Britannia! Britannia, rules the waves ? 212 00:13:03,750 --> 00:13:08,920 ? Britons never ever, ever shall be slaves ? 213 00:13:08,950 --> 00:13:13,560 ? Rule, Britannia! Britannia, rules the waves... ? 214 00:13:13,590 --> 00:13:15,440 It's "Rule", not "Rules"! 215 00:13:15,470 --> 00:13:20,000 Rule, comma, Britannia, exclamation mark, Britannia, comma, rule the waves. 216 00:13:20,030 --> 00:13:22,910 It's an exhortation. It's not a statement of fact! 217 00:13:22,940 --> 00:13:25,260 - Oh, shut up! - No, no, I won't shut up! 218 00:13:25,290 --> 00:13:27,050 We had our charter of the land, and you lost. 219 00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:30,330 - Oh, we said we weren't going to mention that this year. - 52%. 220 00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:33,390 It's not my fault the slugs voted for more salt! 221 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:35,520 You're just jealous cos we got our country back. 222 00:13:35,550 --> 00:13:36,970 Oh, YOUR country?! 223 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:38,250 - Yeah. - Really? 224 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:39,430 - Yes! - Brian! 225 00:13:39,460 --> 00:13:42,450 Well, you are welcome to it. Look at 'em! 226 00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:44,190 Little England. 227 00:13:44,220 --> 00:13:46,890 The Classic FM brigade. 228 00:13:47,050 --> 00:13:50,230 The sort of people whose idea of humour is a pigeon 229 00:13:50,260 --> 00:13:52,630 landing on Centre Court at Wimbledon. 230 00:13:52,660 --> 00:13:55,200 I'm sorry, Dawn, but what you don't realise is people like... 231 00:13:55,230 --> 00:14:00,090 ? Rule, Britannia! Britannia, rules the waves ? 232 00:14:00,390 --> 00:14:05,060 ? Britons never ever, ever shall be slaves! ? 233 00:14:05,090 --> 00:14:06,410 Yeah! 234 00:14:19,370 --> 00:14:21,150 Makes you proud, though, doesn't it, Bri? 235 00:14:21,180 --> 00:14:24,360 No other country in the world could do this - the pageantry of it! 236 00:14:24,390 --> 00:14:27,160 Oh, I don't know. North Koreans could give it a good go. 237 00:14:27,190 --> 00:14:30,360 I'm sorry, but when did it become a crime to love your country? 238 00:14:30,390 --> 00:14:33,540 I mean, what happened to you to make you so full of bitterness? 239 00:14:33,570 --> 00:14:36,050 Oh, you love your country, do you, Dawn? 240 00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:37,290 Are you sure about that? 241 00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:39,400 - What? - He doesn't love anything. 242 00:14:39,430 --> 00:14:41,520 He's a hollowed-out husk of a man! 243 00:14:41,550 --> 00:14:44,120 Oh, piss off! I love things. I love my car. 244 00:14:44,150 --> 00:14:46,330 I love my record collection. I love the gym. 245 00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:48,600 You love the changing rooms, 246 00:14:48,630 --> 00:14:51,950 - full of willies and hairy bum holes! - What?! 247 00:14:51,980 --> 00:14:57,200 ? Rule, Britannia! Britannia, rules the waves ? 248 00:14:57,230 --> 00:15:02,610 ? Britons never ever, ever shall be slaves ? 249 00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:08,710 ? Rule, Britannia! Britannia, rules the waves ? 250 00:15:08,780 --> 00:15:12,310 ? Britons never, ever, ever ? 251 00:15:12,340 --> 00:15:15,360 ? Shall be ? 252 00:15:15,390 --> 00:15:19,750 ? Slaves! ? 253 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,860 Fan-bloody-tastic! 254 00:15:22,890 --> 00:15:26,250 As Mr Punch would say, "That's the way to do it!" 255 00:15:26,410 --> 00:15:30,210 Oh, just ignore him, Penny, he's a miserable bastard. 256 00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,550 Oh, you calling me a bastard? 257 00:15:32,580 --> 00:15:35,730 - That's rich! - Well, yeah, sitting there with your snide insinuendos 258 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,160 when we're all trying to have fun. 259 00:15:37,190 --> 00:15:38,560 Oh, leave it, Dawny. 260 00:15:38,590 --> 00:15:40,870 Well, look, I've got no hard feelings. 261 00:15:40,900 --> 00:15:42,330 You can say that again. 262 00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:45,960 And to prove it, I've got you a little birthday present. 263 00:15:45,990 --> 00:15:50,320 I know it isn't your birthday for another couple of weeks, 264 00:15:50,350 --> 00:15:52,180 but it seemed appropriate. 265 00:15:57,730 --> 00:15:59,530 I told him not to print it. 266 00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:01,920 Freddie did it for me at the gym. 267 00:16:01,950 --> 00:16:03,780 Bum chums. 268 00:16:03,810 --> 00:16:05,490 What is it? Penny? 269 00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:08,000 Well, we knew you were tracing our family tree, 270 00:16:08,030 --> 00:16:11,080 and I thought it might be fun to do a DNA test for you. 271 00:16:11,110 --> 00:16:12,520 Mick got us the swab. 272 00:16:12,550 --> 00:16:14,520 Remember when I said I wanted to count your teeth, 273 00:16:14,550 --> 00:16:16,220 cos it had come up on the pub quiz? 274 00:16:16,250 --> 00:16:18,890 I managed to get a sneaky little cotton bud in there! 275 00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:21,180 So we sent it away to the labs in America. 276 00:16:21,210 --> 00:16:24,230 They don't claim to have 100% accuracy. 277 00:16:27,550 --> 00:16:31,940 You're 62% German, Fraulein Schmidt. 278 00:16:31,970 --> 00:16:33,520 - What? - Bloody hell! 279 00:16:33,550 --> 00:16:36,460 Well, that's going back hundreds of years, mind. 280 00:16:36,740 --> 00:16:42,190 Und so, ve decided to play detective and do ze test with Penny. 281 00:16:42,220 --> 00:16:45,820 Und, surprisingly, her results were entirely different to yours. 282 00:16:45,850 --> 00:16:50,730 And zen we did the test with Ralph, and his results were the same as Penny's. 283 00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:54,020 Hmm, something is rotten in the state of Denmark. 284 00:16:54,050 --> 00:16:55,310 What's he blethering on about? 285 00:16:55,340 --> 00:16:57,950 I was told I was conceived on holiday in Weston-super-Mare. 286 00:16:57,980 --> 00:17:01,060 Well, it seems that Mummy went skiing in the Bavarian Alps. 287 00:17:01,090 --> 00:17:03,130 Daddy refused to go with her. 288 00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:05,910 He's always hated the Germans because of the war. 289 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:08,940 And so she went on her own. 290 00:17:08,970 --> 00:17:12,490 Und brought back a rather unusual souvenir. 291 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:14,160 Achtung, baby! 292 00:17:14,190 --> 00:17:15,760 All right, Brian, pack it in now! 293 00:17:15,790 --> 00:17:17,680 Mum, I don't feel very well. 294 00:17:17,710 --> 00:17:21,870 And, so, when Daddy, who, it turns out, isn't really Daddy, 295 00:17:21,900 --> 00:17:26,760 eventually pops his clogs, this house, where you and your tit of a husband 296 00:17:26,790 --> 00:17:29,510 have been cuckoos in the nest for over 20 years, 297 00:17:29,540 --> 00:17:34,400 is going to come to us - me and Penny, the legitimate daughter! 298 00:17:34,430 --> 00:17:38,410 So stick that in your meerschaum pipe and smoke it! 299 00:17:39,870 --> 00:17:42,850 For goodness' sake, what have you been drinking?! 300 00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:43,920 Water! 301 00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:49,390 - Jesus Christ! - Who the bloody hell's that?! 302 00:17:50,870 --> 00:17:53,300 He comes to take me away. 303 00:17:53,890 --> 00:17:55,230 He's come to take me away. 304 00:17:55,260 --> 00:17:56,490 It's all right, Dad. 305 00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:59,320 Daddy... Just... Everybody just be calm. 306 00:17:59,390 --> 00:18:00,990 How did you get in here? 307 00:18:02,010 --> 00:18:04,210 - Penny? Do you know this person? - No. 308 00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:05,300 Friend. 309 00:18:05,370 --> 00:18:06,450 Well, he seems to know who you are. 310 00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:08,640 No, I've never seen him before in my life! 311 00:18:10,700 --> 00:18:11,700 Please... 312 00:18:11,850 --> 00:18:12,720 Yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 313 00:18:12,750 --> 00:18:14,560 You stay where you are, mate. 314 00:18:14,590 --> 00:18:16,380 Oh, now who's a Little Englander?! 315 00:18:16,410 --> 00:18:17,600 Oh, shut up, Helga! 316 00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:20,930 He could have a bomb or anything. Put your hands up! 317 00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:23,060 Oh, I don't think that's necessary. 318 00:18:23,090 --> 00:18:24,800 He's probably one of these illegal immigrants 319 00:18:24,830 --> 00:18:26,800 come from that detention centre in Yeovil. 320 00:18:26,830 --> 00:18:27,880 Well, what's he doing here, then?! 321 00:18:27,910 --> 00:18:29,980 I don't know, he's probably just hungry. 322 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:33,710 Do you want some bread or a little bowl of milk or something? 323 00:18:33,740 --> 00:18:35,540 He's not a hedgehog, Mick. 324 00:18:35,570 --> 00:18:36,570 Hands up! 325 00:18:41,350 --> 00:18:46,020 ? Land of hope and glory... ? 326 00:18:46,050 --> 00:18:47,860 Well, I'll be blowed! 327 00:18:47,940 --> 00:18:49,600 Dawn! Penny! 328 00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:53,930 What? What is it? 329 00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:56,390 When I came through earlier, all this food had been eaten. 330 00:18:56,420 --> 00:18:56,970 Eaten? 331 00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:58,950 Yeah. The dog must have climbed up on a chair or something. 332 00:18:58,980 --> 00:19:01,580 - And now... - It's a miracle! 333 00:19:02,300 --> 00:19:04,190 Do you think he could be... 334 00:19:04,890 --> 00:19:06,190 from Ocado? 335 00:19:06,220 --> 00:19:08,470 I'm sorry about this. 336 00:19:08,500 --> 00:19:12,100 I just want to be sure you're not carrying a concealed weapon. 337 00:19:12,420 --> 00:19:17,460 People get tied up, gagged, forcibly broken into. 338 00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:19,680 I... I don't want that to happen to me. 339 00:19:19,710 --> 00:19:20,780 Dad... 340 00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:22,390 he's bleeding. 341 00:19:26,610 --> 00:19:29,260 He's come back, just like the song said he would. 342 00:19:29,290 --> 00:19:30,560 What song? What you on about? 343 00:19:30,590 --> 00:19:31,920 A New Jerusalem. 344 00:19:31,950 --> 00:19:34,300 You were an awfully long time in that conservatory, Penny. 345 00:19:34,330 --> 00:19:35,550 You sure you don't know what's going on? 346 00:19:35,580 --> 00:19:37,370 I told you, I've never seen him... 347 00:19:39,020 --> 00:19:40,020 What? 348 00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:42,620 I denied him three times! 349 00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:46,720 Oh, my Lord! I'm so sorry! 350 00:19:46,750 --> 00:19:49,890 I am so, so sorry! 351 00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:51,550 What are you talking about? I never touched him. 352 00:19:51,580 --> 00:19:53,630 I think the best thing is if I just phone the police. 353 00:19:53,660 --> 00:19:56,630 No! They'll persecute him and stick him in a cell. 354 00:19:56,660 --> 00:19:57,980 We've got to do something, Penny. 355 00:19:58,010 --> 00:20:00,200 I can't have him standing there, bleeding all over my house! 356 00:20:00,230 --> 00:20:03,500 - Er, it's not your house, remember? - Oh, fuck off, Brian. 357 00:20:03,530 --> 00:20:05,080 You'll have to forgive my sister-in-law. 358 00:20:05,110 --> 00:20:06,860 - What's your name? - Yusuf. 359 00:20:06,890 --> 00:20:08,500 She's had a rather nasty shock. 360 00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:12,010 She, like you, finds herself far from her motherland. 361 00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:14,770 This piece of paper means nothing to me. 362 00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:16,580 Do you understand? Nothing! 363 00:20:16,610 --> 00:20:19,610 It doesn't change who I am or what I believe in. 364 00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:20,980 I love my country! 365 00:20:21,010 --> 00:20:24,380 And I'm sick and tired of people like you doing us down! 366 00:20:24,410 --> 00:20:26,410 I'm not ready to go yet! 367 00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:29,080 I thought you'd be pleased - coming from the land of Beethoven's Ninth 368 00:20:29,110 --> 00:20:31,470 and Black Forest gateau, Volkswagen and Audi. 369 00:20:31,500 --> 00:20:34,140 Vorsprung durch Technik and Arbeit macht frei... 370 00:20:34,170 --> 00:20:35,300 You're a monster! 371 00:20:35,330 --> 00:20:38,630 Oh, let's put shells on little sticks, so you can poke around in your own stool 372 00:20:38,660 --> 00:20:40,050 to see how healthy you are! 373 00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,290 For the love of God, will you leave her alone?! 374 00:20:44,450 --> 00:20:50,160 ? Land of hope and glory ? 375 00:20:50,190 --> 00:20:54,600 ? Mother of the free... ? 376 00:20:55,800 --> 00:21:01,180 - Oh, Jesus Christ! - * How shall we extol thee? * 377 00:21:02,110 --> 00:21:03,510 Oh, Dad! 378 00:21:03,730 --> 00:21:04,730 It's ok. 379 00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:10,030 Sorry. 380 00:21:10,060 --> 00:21:12,560 It's all right, just look at me. Look at me. 381 00:21:12,590 --> 00:21:13,690 It's all right. 382 00:21:14,070 --> 00:21:17,810 It's OK. It's all right. Everything's OK. It's OK. 383 00:21:17,900 --> 00:21:20,370 It's OK. It's all right. 384 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:22,990 I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 385 00:21:24,190 --> 00:21:27,720 Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do. 386 00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:34,610 Stop it, Brian! Stop it! 387 00:21:36,510 --> 00:21:39,500 ? Make thee ? 388 00:21:39,530 --> 00:21:46,560 ? Mightier yet! ? 389 00:21:46,590 --> 00:21:49,580 I... I'm thirsty... 390 00:22:39,820 --> 00:22:46,390 ? And did those feet in ancient times ? 391 00:22:46,420 --> 00:22:52,290 ? Walk upon England's mountains green? ? 392 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:58,800 ? And was the holy Lamb of God ? 393 00:22:58,830 --> 00:23:05,060 ? On England's pleasant pastures seen? ? 394 00:23:05,090 --> 00:23:11,000 ? And did the Countenance Divine ? 395 00:23:11,030 --> 00:23:17,290 ? Shine forth upon our clouded hills? ? 396 00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:24,000 ? And was Jerusalem builded here ? 397 00:23:24,030 --> 00:23:31,770 ? Among these dark Satanic mills? ? 398 00:23:40,150 --> 00:23:47,300 ? Bring me my bow of burning gold ? 399 00:23:47,370 --> 00:23:53,200 ? Bring me my arrows of desire ? 400 00:23:53,590 --> 00:23:59,480 ? Bring me my spear O clouds unfold ? 401 00:23:59,510 --> 00:24:06,020 ? Bring me my chariot of fire ? 402 00:24:06,050 --> 00:24:12,040 ? I will not cease from mental fight ? 403 00:24:12,070 --> 00:24:18,260 ? Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand ? 404 00:24:18,290 --> 00:24:25,200 ? Till we have built Jerusalem ? 405 00:24:25,230 --> 00:24:34,370 ? In England's green and pleasant land. ? 406 00:24:56,950 --> 00:24:58,260 He's fast asleep. 407 00:25:00,230 --> 00:25:01,250 I, erm... 408 00:25:02,150 --> 00:25:04,400 I put Oliver in Mummy's bed. 409 00:25:05,210 --> 00:25:07,790 Can't remember the last time it was slept in. 410 00:25:07,980 --> 00:25:08,980 I can. 411 00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:12,860 Last year, when we had that argument about cream teas. 412 00:25:12,890 --> 00:25:15,540 - It's jam first. - It's cream first. 413 00:25:16,660 --> 00:25:19,770 Anyway, I was despatched from the marital bed and 414 00:25:20,460 --> 00:25:22,680 that's where I ended up spending the night. 415 00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:26,200 You did a great job with the room. 416 00:25:26,390 --> 00:25:27,390 Yeah. 417 00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:30,110 Oh, and I found The Angel... 418 00:25:30,140 --> 00:25:32,610 ...Islington, so we've got a full Monopoly now. 419 00:25:33,860 --> 00:25:36,210 Oh, well, there's some good news. 420 00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:37,570 Good news?! 421 00:25:40,190 --> 00:25:41,690 I was just explaining to Penny 422 00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:44,500 that all that food came out of our chest freezer, so... 423 00:25:45,610 --> 00:25:47,300 not a miracle after all. 424 00:25:49,030 --> 00:25:51,150 Maybe he was some kind of chef. 425 00:25:51,380 --> 00:25:52,400 Yeah. 426 00:25:53,060 --> 00:25:55,640 And those water bottles, I use for my home brew, 427 00:25:55,670 --> 00:25:57,810 so they could easily have had alcohol in them. 428 00:25:57,840 --> 00:25:59,110 That explains that. 429 00:25:59,310 --> 00:26:00,760 And the stigmata? 430 00:26:00,790 --> 00:26:02,460 I told you earlier. 431 00:26:02,750 --> 00:26:05,380 Mick smashed a glass. He probably just cut himself. 432 00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:08,970 He wasn't special, darling. 433 00:26:09,010 --> 00:26:10,680 He wasn't the Second Coming. 434 00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:14,330 Just a strange man who broke into our house. 435 00:26:15,870 --> 00:26:17,790 We had to defend ourselves. 436 00:26:19,470 --> 00:26:21,160 Englishman's home and all that. 437 00:26:21,500 --> 00:26:22,690 That's right, Brian. 438 00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:24,750 It's Daddy's home. 439 00:26:27,150 --> 00:26:29,200 We had to do what was best by him. 440 00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:31,870 Absolutely. 441 00:26:33,460 --> 00:26:37,440 He had such beautiful skin. 442 00:26:40,890 --> 00:26:45,540 ? Should old acquaintance be forgot ? 443 00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:51,170 ? And never brought to mind? ? 444 00:26:52,030 --> 00:26:57,170 ? Should old acquaintance be forgot ? 445 00:26:57,410 --> 00:27:01,630 ? For the sake of auld lang syne ? 446 00:27:02,590 --> 00:27:07,810 ? For auld lang syne, My dear ? 447 00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:12,480 ? For auld lang syne ? 448 00:27:12,980 --> 00:27:17,800 ? We'll take a cup o' kindness yet ? 449 00:27:17,830 --> 00:27:22,250 ? For auld lang syne. ? 450 00:27:22,970 --> 00:27:28,660 ? For auld lang syne, my dear ? 451 00:27:28,690 --> 00:27:34,230 ? For auld lang syne ? 452 00:27:34,260 --> 00:27:40,080 ? We'll take a cup o' kindness yet ? 453 00:27:40,110 --> 00:27:42,140 ? For the sake ? 454 00:27:42,170 --> 00:27:49,130 ? Of auld lang syne. ? 455 00:27:49,180 --> 00:27:53,730 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 34120

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