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1
00:00:29,020 --> 00:00:31,910
There. I've got you
a nice little blanket. OK?
2
00:00:31,940 --> 00:00:34,200
Pop it on there like that,
Daddy.
3
00:00:35,740 --> 00:00:36,840
Sit still.
4
00:00:44,060 --> 00:00:45,160
There. Look at you!
5
00:01:30,180 --> 00:01:33,760
Now, a favourite for the
Last Night Of The Proms...
6
00:01:34,180 --> 00:01:37,760
Henry Wood's
Fantasia On British Sea Songs.
7
00:01:47,860 --> 00:01:51,200
Dawn, you're missing
The Saucy Arethusa!
8
00:01:51,260 --> 00:01:52,640
We'll be through in a minute!
9
00:01:54,700 --> 00:01:57,520
They don't half work hard
on that spread, do they, Bri?
10
00:01:58,300 --> 00:02:00,270
Remember that
cheeseboard last year?
11
00:02:00,300 --> 00:02:02,830
Red Leicester, White Stilton
and the Shropshire Blue.
12
00:02:02,860 --> 00:02:04,030
Mm. How could I forget?
13
00:02:04,060 --> 00:02:06,560
I was farting The National
Anthem all the way home.
14
00:02:07,500 --> 00:02:10,360
Using the woodwind section,
I suppose?
15
00:02:14,580 --> 00:02:17,200
You're taking music as one of your
A levels, aren't you, Ollie?
16
00:02:18,700 --> 00:02:21,040
- What?
- Your Uncle Mick asked you a question.
17
00:02:21,180 --> 00:02:22,840
You still studying music?
18
00:02:23,100 --> 00:02:24,160
Music Tech.
19
00:02:24,580 --> 00:02:27,960
Oh, right. On the computers
and such. Very wise.
20
00:02:28,660 --> 00:02:30,160
That's the future, isn't it?
21
00:02:30,780 --> 00:02:32,910
Not really -
it's more like the present.
22
00:02:32,940 --> 00:02:34,430
Give me vinyl any day.
23
00:02:34,460 --> 00:02:36,080
Music is analogue.
24
00:02:36,540 --> 00:02:37,950
Needs a range of frequencies.
25
00:02:37,980 --> 00:02:41,960
You lose so much compressing it
into one of those little boxes.
26
00:02:42,540 --> 00:02:43,470
Little boxes?
27
00:02:43,500 --> 00:02:44,790
iPods or whatever.
28
00:02:44,820 --> 00:02:46,190
Shut up, Dad. No-one cares.
29
00:02:46,220 --> 00:02:48,470
- Wanker.
- No, I'm with you, Brian.
30
00:02:48,500 --> 00:02:50,830
Sometimes,
the old ways are the best.
31
00:02:50,860 --> 00:02:53,600
Well, that's something we
can both agree on at least.
32
00:03:02,740 --> 00:03:04,470
You going to help at all with
these arrangements, Penny?
33
00:03:04,500 --> 00:03:07,190
Or are you just gonna stand there
rubbing that spoon to kingdom come?
34
00:03:07,220 --> 00:03:09,190
Yeah, sorry.
I was just thinking.
35
00:03:09,220 --> 00:03:11,200
Ah,
I thought I could smell burning.
36
00:03:11,780 --> 00:03:14,920
Don't let the dog
near the table! Please!
37
00:03:15,340 --> 00:03:19,590
Mick smashed a glass there earlier,
trying to be Tom Cruise from Cocktail.
38
00:03:19,620 --> 00:03:21,280
"Cockup," I told him!
39
00:03:22,620 --> 00:03:25,040
I always thought Brian had
a bit of Tom Cruise in him.
40
00:03:25,540 --> 00:03:28,640
Now I think he'd just like
a bit of Tom Cruise in him.
41
00:03:29,620 --> 00:03:32,870
Right, there are two bottles
of water in the conservatory -
42
00:03:32,900 --> 00:03:34,150
one still, one sparkling.
43
00:03:34,180 --> 00:03:35,480
Can you get them, please?
Thank you.
44
00:03:36,340 --> 00:03:38,360
Well, come on! Chop chop!
45
00:03:40,260 --> 00:03:41,260
Right.
46
00:03:42,900 --> 00:03:44,560
You'll be needing these.
47
00:03:45,140 --> 00:03:48,550
Why? Is Katherine Jenkins
making an appearance?
48
00:03:48,580 --> 00:03:50,120
Don't be so disgusting, Brian.
49
00:03:50,420 --> 00:03:51,800
They're for the sobbing.
50
00:04:00,620 --> 00:04:03,030
You see, Ollie, when Henry
Wood put these songs together,
51
00:04:03,060 --> 00:04:05,110
it was to represent the
life of a British sailor
52
00:04:05,140 --> 00:04:06,710
in the Battle of Trafalgar.
53
00:04:06,740 --> 00:04:09,080
The call to arms,
the thoughts of home...
54
00:04:09,180 --> 00:04:12,080
This one's all about the loss
of a comrade, Tom Bowling.
55
00:04:12,660 --> 00:04:14,960
And the Prommers,
they all pretend to cry. See?
56
00:04:16,100 --> 00:04:17,720
They're having a good old weep.
57
00:04:18,580 --> 00:04:21,110
- Why?
- It's tradition, Oliver.
58
00:04:21,140 --> 00:04:22,630
Traditions are important.
59
00:04:22,660 --> 00:04:24,430
Certain songs have
got certain actions.
60
00:04:24,460 --> 00:04:26,230
It's a middle-class Time Warp.
61
00:04:26,260 --> 00:04:29,070
The Rocky Horror Show for
retired schoolteachers.
62
00:04:29,100 --> 00:04:31,270
Enough of your peevishness,
please. Thank you.
63
00:04:31,300 --> 00:04:33,360
This is Oliver's
first Last Night.
64
00:04:33,900 --> 00:04:35,710
Heaven knows,
it might be Daddy's last.
65
00:04:35,740 --> 00:04:37,320
So let's just try and enjoy it.
66
00:04:40,540 --> 00:04:43,040
Big hairy bush.
67
00:04:46,700 --> 00:04:47,700
Hello.
68
00:04:49,620 --> 00:04:51,480
I saw you earlier, didn't I?
69
00:04:51,540 --> 00:04:52,990
At St Peter's.
70
00:04:53,020 --> 00:04:55,080
I was putting flowers
on my mum's grave.
71
00:04:55,660 --> 00:04:59,430
And then I saw you outside
Farmfoods on the high street.
72
00:04:59,460 --> 00:05:01,360
I gave you a 2 pound coin.
73
00:05:01,580 --> 00:05:02,600
Do you remember?
74
00:05:03,660 --> 00:05:04,920
Are you following me?
75
00:05:05,900 --> 00:05:07,790
No English very good.
76
00:05:07,820 --> 00:05:10,630
Well, if you've come
here to molest me,
77
00:05:10,660 --> 00:05:13,320
that's just too bad -
my husband's in the other room.
78
00:05:14,100 --> 00:05:18,600
Although the sound is very loud, so
he probably wouldn't hear anything.
79
00:05:18,860 --> 00:05:19,860
I'm Penny.
80
00:05:21,260 --> 00:05:22,260
Yusuf.
81
00:05:22,420 --> 00:05:24,360
Are you a friend
of Dawn and Mick's?
82
00:05:24,860 --> 00:05:26,440
I'd be very surprised.
83
00:05:26,820 --> 00:05:30,560
She's not normally keen
on people of your...genre.
84
00:05:31,060 --> 00:05:32,060
Friend.
85
00:05:32,100 --> 00:05:35,080
Oh, you've got lovely skin,
I know that.
86
00:05:38,220 --> 00:05:38,950
What was that?
87
00:05:38,980 --> 00:05:41,080
I don't know,
a balloon or something.
88
00:05:43,220 --> 00:05:45,360
Oh, he's shushing them, look!
89
00:05:47,540 --> 00:05:50,960
Oh, he's quite a character,
this chap, isn't he?
90
00:05:58,940 --> 00:06:00,150
God, here we go!
91
00:06:00,180 --> 00:06:01,630
Jack's The Lad!
92
00:06:01,660 --> 00:06:03,910
This is where the fun starts!
93
00:06:03,940 --> 00:06:06,470
Yes, why bother with the
Shostakovich and the Verdi
94
00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:09,560
when you can have the Blue
Peter theme tune instead.
95
00:06:10,820 --> 00:06:14,520
Your dad likes all the dreary ones,
Oliver, but we can't stick 'em.
96
00:06:14,660 --> 00:06:17,470
It doesn't get going for us until
the Fantasia Of British Sea Songs.
97
00:06:17,500 --> 00:06:19,910
Fantasia ON British Sea Songs.
"On!"
98
00:06:19,940 --> 00:06:20,750
All right!
99
00:06:20,780 --> 00:06:22,950
If you're going to destroy a
work by honking all over it,
100
00:06:22,980 --> 00:06:25,790
- at least get the bloody name right!
- Don't be such a snob!
101
00:06:25,820 --> 00:06:28,270
I'm not a snob, Dawn,
I'm just a music lover.
102
00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:30,870
Oh, I love it when they
change the tune deliberately
103
00:06:30,900 --> 00:06:33,200
just to get a rise
out of the conductor.
104
00:06:34,020 --> 00:06:35,120
Where's your mother?
105
00:06:36,820 --> 00:06:38,560
It's Last Night Of The Proms.
106
00:06:38,660 --> 00:06:40,120
They play it all over the world.
107
00:06:40,260 --> 00:06:41,920
Well,
maybe not where you're from.
108
00:06:42,300 --> 00:06:45,640
This one's called The
Sailor's Hornpipe.
109
00:06:46,060 --> 00:06:47,120
Hornpipe.
110
00:06:48,820 --> 00:06:50,560
I want to bob to it.
111
00:06:51,380 --> 00:06:53,040
My husband won't bob.
112
00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:56,080
We haven't bobbed in
more than three years!
113
00:06:56,260 --> 00:06:59,110
He says it's because he's depressed
about the state of the country,
114
00:06:59,140 --> 00:07:01,550
but that doesn't stop him
watching RuPaul's Drag Race
115
00:07:01,580 --> 00:07:04,480
in his study till all
hours of the morning!
116
00:07:04,940 --> 00:07:06,840
Can you feel my heart beating?
117
00:07:13,260 --> 00:07:15,750
Come on, Oliver! Come on, Daddy!
118
00:07:15,780 --> 00:07:17,230
No, I'm all right,
thanks, Auntie Dawn.
119
00:07:17,260 --> 00:07:17,990
No, nonsense.
120
00:07:18,020 --> 00:07:20,000
You've got to get into
the spirit of it. Come on!
121
00:07:21,580 --> 00:07:26,680
And while we're at it, Delibes' Flower
Duet is not "the British Airways music".
122
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:30,710
The Largo from Dvorak's New World
Symphony is not "the Hovis music".
123
00:07:30,740 --> 00:07:34,830
And O Fortuna from Carmina Burana
deserves far greater respect
124
00:07:34,860 --> 00:07:36,990
than being dubbed
"the Old Spice music".
125
00:07:37,020 --> 00:07:38,550
What's Old Spice music?
126
00:07:38,580 --> 00:07:40,360
Theme tune to the X Factor!
127
00:07:41,820 --> 00:07:43,270
I can't leave Brian.
128
00:07:43,300 --> 00:07:44,800
Don't ask me to.
129
00:07:44,860 --> 00:07:46,400
He needs me!
130
00:07:46,940 --> 00:07:48,160
Please.
131
00:07:48,260 --> 00:07:49,640
Where is bathroom?
132
00:07:51,500 --> 00:07:53,070
- Here we go!
- Where are we going?
133
00:07:53,100 --> 00:07:54,760
Oh, we're going round. Right.
134
00:08:00,060 --> 00:08:01,280
Oh, right, Daddy!
135
00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:23,640
Oh, well done!
136
00:08:23,700 --> 00:08:26,470
Oh, my God! I'm pooped!
137
00:08:26,500 --> 00:08:29,030
- That's why they call it the poop deck.
- Is it?
138
00:08:29,060 --> 00:08:30,480
I've got no idea.
139
00:08:32,500 --> 00:08:34,030
Got a gin and gin tonic itch?
140
00:08:34,060 --> 00:08:35,520
Ooh, yes, please.
141
00:08:39,300 --> 00:08:41,240
Did you enjoy that, Daddy?
142
00:08:41,460 --> 00:08:43,360
Stroke my pizzle.
143
00:08:56,660 --> 00:08:57,960
Can I go now, Dad?
144
00:08:58,460 --> 00:08:59,460
No.
145
00:09:00,580 --> 00:09:03,480
See it through to the
bitter end, like I have to.
146
00:09:04,980 --> 00:09:06,160
Can I have a drink, then?
147
00:09:07,420 --> 00:09:08,420
Of course not!
148
00:09:10,940 --> 00:09:16,630
? There's no place like home. ?
149
00:09:16,660 --> 00:09:18,680
Oh,
I'm making a sampler of that.
150
00:09:19,020 --> 00:09:20,600
Tuesday night craft club.
151
00:09:21,300 --> 00:09:24,080
I'm going to hang it there,
just beside the fireplace.
152
00:09:25,060 --> 00:09:27,240
Don't you need Ralph's
permission to do that?
153
00:09:27,620 --> 00:09:30,080
Oh, he won't mind.
Will you, Daddy?
154
00:09:30,380 --> 00:09:32,800
Sieg heil! Hande hoch!
155
00:09:33,460 --> 00:09:34,680
What's it to you, anyway?
156
00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:35,740
Nothing.
157
00:10:10,300 --> 00:10:11,710
Oh, here she is!
158
00:10:11,740 --> 00:10:13,670
You just missed a
stomping Hornpipe.
159
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:15,170
No, I felt it. I heard it.
160
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:16,750
I had my hands full.
161
00:10:16,780 --> 00:10:18,870
Ollie was up,
boogying with the oldies.
162
00:10:18,900 --> 00:10:21,280
He taught me a few moves. Dab!
163
00:10:21,380 --> 00:10:22,470
Where the heck have you been?
164
00:10:22,500 --> 00:10:23,990
Oh, I went to get the water.
165
00:10:24,020 --> 00:10:25,870
Well, this is supposed
to be a family gathering
166
00:10:25,900 --> 00:10:28,710
and all I've got is Daddy
shouting obscenities,
167
00:10:28,740 --> 00:10:30,310
Oliver on his mobile telephone
168
00:10:30,340 --> 00:10:33,630
and your husband giving me
lessons on classical music.
169
00:10:33,660 --> 00:10:35,070
- Sorry!
- Well, come on, then,
170
00:10:35,100 --> 00:10:36,550
make yourself useful, please.
Thank you.
171
00:10:36,580 --> 00:10:38,320
Standing there like
a stick of rhubarb.
172
00:10:38,660 --> 00:10:40,160
Oliver's spitting feathers.
173
00:10:55,740 --> 00:10:58,270
See, The Conquering Hero Comes!
174
00:10:58,300 --> 00:11:00,470
Glad to see you've still
got your glass full.
175
00:11:00,500 --> 00:11:02,150
Well, how else am I
going to get through it?
176
00:11:02,180 --> 00:11:05,430
What? You mean this night,
or our marriage?
177
00:11:05,460 --> 00:11:07,240
Are you enjoying yourself,
Oliver?
178
00:11:07,380 --> 00:11:08,520
It's all right.
179
00:11:08,580 --> 00:11:10,070
What time does it finish?
180
00:11:10,100 --> 00:11:12,200
Auld Lang Syne. Dab!
181
00:11:17,380 --> 00:11:18,750
We were going to get you a flag
182
00:11:18,780 --> 00:11:21,760
as part of your birthday
present, weren't we, Pen?
183
00:11:21,820 --> 00:11:25,360
If you're talking about the EU
flag, then, no, thank you very much.
184
00:11:26,180 --> 00:11:27,920
Up yours, Delors!
185
00:11:27,980 --> 00:11:30,590
I think it's scandalous they
let so many in this year.
186
00:11:30,620 --> 00:11:32,310
What? Flags or foreigners?
187
00:11:32,340 --> 00:11:33,750
The flags!
188
00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:36,430
It's like bloomin'
Eurovision at times.
189
00:11:36,460 --> 00:11:39,550
It's supposed to be an English
concert for English people.
190
00:11:39,580 --> 00:11:41,310
BRITISH people, Auntie Dawn.
191
00:11:41,340 --> 00:11:44,360
Aye, let's not forget the
wee Scots folk out there.
192
00:11:44,460 --> 00:11:45,990
And the Welsh as well, boyo.
193
00:11:46,020 --> 00:11:48,720
They've got damn
fine singing voices!
194
00:11:48,780 --> 00:11:50,720
Oh, I went a bit
Pakistani there, didn't I?
195
00:12:05,260 --> 00:12:07,640
Boris! What have you done?
196
00:12:08,220 --> 00:12:10,360
Naughty dog! Naughty!
197
00:12:10,420 --> 00:12:14,040
Mm, who have we got singing
Britannia this year?
198
00:12:14,740 --> 00:12:16,520
Very serious looking, isn't he?
199
00:12:17,220 --> 00:12:18,920
Handsome, though.
200
00:12:24,300 --> 00:12:26,120
He's got a look of
George Bush about him.
201
00:12:27,860 --> 00:12:30,760
? When Britain first... ?
202
00:12:30,940 --> 00:12:32,600
Boobies!
203
00:12:32,820 --> 00:12:34,550
Don't laugh, Oliver, please.
204
00:12:34,580 --> 00:12:35,630
It's his medication.
205
00:12:35,660 --> 00:12:41,110
? Pree-eee-eeety jugs! ?
206
00:12:41,140 --> 00:12:44,280
Before his diagnosis, I never
once heard him say a cuss word.
207
00:12:45,500 --> 00:12:46,500
Now...
208
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:49,000
it's like living with Sid James.
209
00:12:51,660 --> 00:12:54,360
Mum? What is this?
210
00:12:54,660 --> 00:12:55,920
Just mineral water.
211
00:12:58,540 --> 00:13:03,600
? Rule, Britannia!
Britannia, rules the waves ?
212
00:13:03,750 --> 00:13:08,920
? Britons never ever,
ever shall be slaves ?
213
00:13:08,950 --> 00:13:13,560
? Rule, Britannia!
Britannia, rules the waves... ?
214
00:13:13,590 --> 00:13:15,440
It's "Rule", not "Rules"!
215
00:13:15,470 --> 00:13:20,000
Rule, comma, Britannia, exclamation
mark, Britannia, comma, rule the waves.
216
00:13:20,030 --> 00:13:22,910
It's an exhortation.
It's not a statement of fact!
217
00:13:22,940 --> 00:13:25,260
- Oh, shut up!
- No, no, I won't shut up!
218
00:13:25,290 --> 00:13:27,050
We had our charter of the land,
and you lost.
219
00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:30,330
- Oh, we said we weren't going
to mention that this year. - 52%.
220
00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:33,390
It's not my fault the
slugs voted for more salt!
221
00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:35,520
You're just jealous cos
we got our country back.
222
00:13:35,550 --> 00:13:36,970
Oh, YOUR country?!
223
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:38,250
- Yeah.
- Really?
224
00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:39,430
- Yes!
- Brian!
225
00:13:39,460 --> 00:13:42,450
Well, you are welcome to it.
Look at 'em!
226
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:44,190
Little England.
227
00:13:44,220 --> 00:13:46,890
The Classic FM brigade.
228
00:13:47,050 --> 00:13:50,230
The sort of people whose
idea of humour is a pigeon
229
00:13:50,260 --> 00:13:52,630
landing on Centre
Court at Wimbledon.
230
00:13:52,660 --> 00:13:55,200
I'm sorry, Dawn, but what you
don't realise is people like...
231
00:13:55,230 --> 00:14:00,090
? Rule, Britannia!
Britannia, rules the waves ?
232
00:14:00,390 --> 00:14:05,060
? Britons never ever,
ever shall be slaves! ?
233
00:14:05,090 --> 00:14:06,410
Yeah!
234
00:14:19,370 --> 00:14:21,150
Makes you proud, though,
doesn't it, Bri?
235
00:14:21,180 --> 00:14:24,360
No other country in the world
could do this - the pageantry of it!
236
00:14:24,390 --> 00:14:27,160
Oh, I don't know. North Koreans
could give it a good go.
237
00:14:27,190 --> 00:14:30,360
I'm sorry, but when did it become
a crime to love your country?
238
00:14:30,390 --> 00:14:33,540
I mean, what happened to you to
make you so full of bitterness?
239
00:14:33,570 --> 00:14:36,050
Oh, you love your country,
do you, Dawn?
240
00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:37,290
Are you sure about that?
241
00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:39,400
- What?
- He doesn't love anything.
242
00:14:39,430 --> 00:14:41,520
He's a hollowed-out
husk of a man!
243
00:14:41,550 --> 00:14:44,120
Oh, piss off! I love things.
I love my car.
244
00:14:44,150 --> 00:14:46,330
I love my record collection.
I love the gym.
245
00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:48,600
You love the changing rooms,
246
00:14:48,630 --> 00:14:51,950
- full of willies and hairy bum holes!
- What?!
247
00:14:51,980 --> 00:14:57,200
? Rule, Britannia!
Britannia, rules the waves ?
248
00:14:57,230 --> 00:15:02,610
? Britons never ever,
ever shall be slaves ?
249
00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:08,710
? Rule, Britannia!
Britannia, rules the waves ?
250
00:15:08,780 --> 00:15:12,310
? Britons never, ever, ever ?
251
00:15:12,340 --> 00:15:15,360
? Shall be ?
252
00:15:15,390 --> 00:15:19,750
? Slaves! ?
253
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,860
Fan-bloody-tastic!
254
00:15:22,890 --> 00:15:26,250
As Mr Punch would say,
"That's the way to do it!"
255
00:15:26,410 --> 00:15:30,210
Oh, just ignore him, Penny,
he's a miserable bastard.
256
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,550
Oh, you calling me a bastard?
257
00:15:32,580 --> 00:15:35,730
- That's rich! - Well, yeah, sitting there
with your snide insinuendos
258
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,160
when we're all trying to have fun.
259
00:15:37,190 --> 00:15:38,560
Oh, leave it, Dawny.
260
00:15:38,590 --> 00:15:40,870
Well, look,
I've got no hard feelings.
261
00:15:40,900 --> 00:15:42,330
You can say that again.
262
00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:45,960
And to prove it, I've got you
a little birthday present.
263
00:15:45,990 --> 00:15:50,320
I know it isn't your birthday
for another couple of weeks,
264
00:15:50,350 --> 00:15:52,180
but it seemed appropriate.
265
00:15:57,730 --> 00:15:59,530
I told him not to print it.
266
00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:01,920
Freddie did it
for me at the gym.
267
00:16:01,950 --> 00:16:03,780
Bum chums.
268
00:16:03,810 --> 00:16:05,490
What is it? Penny?
269
00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:08,000
Well, we knew you were
tracing our family tree,
270
00:16:08,030 --> 00:16:11,080
and I thought it might be
fun to do a DNA test for you.
271
00:16:11,110 --> 00:16:12,520
Mick got us the swab.
272
00:16:12,550 --> 00:16:14,520
Remember when I said I
wanted to count your teeth,
273
00:16:14,550 --> 00:16:16,220
cos it had come up
on the pub quiz?
274
00:16:16,250 --> 00:16:18,890
I managed to get a sneaky
little cotton bud in there!
275
00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:21,180
So we sent it away to
the labs in America.
276
00:16:21,210 --> 00:16:24,230
They don't claim to
have 100% accuracy.
277
00:16:27,550 --> 00:16:31,940
You're 62% German,
Fraulein Schmidt.
278
00:16:31,970 --> 00:16:33,520
- What?
- Bloody hell!
279
00:16:33,550 --> 00:16:36,460
Well, that's going back
hundreds of years, mind.
280
00:16:36,740 --> 00:16:42,190
Und so, ve decided to play
detective and do ze test with Penny.
281
00:16:42,220 --> 00:16:45,820
Und, surprisingly, her results
were entirely different to yours.
282
00:16:45,850 --> 00:16:50,730
And zen we did the test with Ralph, and
his results were the same as Penny's.
283
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:54,020
Hmm, something is rotten
in the state of Denmark.
284
00:16:54,050 --> 00:16:55,310
What's he blethering on about?
285
00:16:55,340 --> 00:16:57,950
I was told I was conceived on
holiday in Weston-super-Mare.
286
00:16:57,980 --> 00:17:01,060
Well, it seems that Mummy went
skiing in the Bavarian Alps.
287
00:17:01,090 --> 00:17:03,130
Daddy refused to go with her.
288
00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:05,910
He's always hated the
Germans because of the war.
289
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:08,940
And so she went on her own.
290
00:17:08,970 --> 00:17:12,490
Und brought back a
rather unusual souvenir.
291
00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:14,160
Achtung, baby!
292
00:17:14,190 --> 00:17:15,760
All right, Brian,
pack it in now!
293
00:17:15,790 --> 00:17:17,680
Mum, I don't feel very well.
294
00:17:17,710 --> 00:17:21,870
And, so, when Daddy, who, it
turns out, isn't really Daddy,
295
00:17:21,900 --> 00:17:26,760
eventually pops his clogs, this house,
where you and your tit of a husband
296
00:17:26,790 --> 00:17:29,510
have been cuckoos in the
nest for over 20 years,
297
00:17:29,540 --> 00:17:34,400
is going to come to us - me and Penny,
the legitimate daughter!
298
00:17:34,430 --> 00:17:38,410
So stick that in your
meerschaum pipe and smoke it!
299
00:17:39,870 --> 00:17:42,850
For goodness' sake,
what have you been drinking?!
300
00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:43,920
Water!
301
00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:49,390
- Jesus Christ!
- Who the bloody hell's that?!
302
00:17:50,870 --> 00:17:53,300
He comes to take me away.
303
00:17:53,890 --> 00:17:55,230
He's come to take me away.
304
00:17:55,260 --> 00:17:56,490
It's all right, Dad.
305
00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:59,320
Daddy... Just...
Everybody just be calm.
306
00:17:59,390 --> 00:18:00,990
How did you get in here?
307
00:18:02,010 --> 00:18:04,210
- Penny? Do you know this person?
- No.
308
00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:05,300
Friend.
309
00:18:05,370 --> 00:18:06,450
Well,
he seems to know who you are.
310
00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:08,640
No, I've never seen
him before in my life!
311
00:18:10,700 --> 00:18:11,700
Please...
312
00:18:11,850 --> 00:18:12,720
Yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
313
00:18:12,750 --> 00:18:14,560
You stay where you are, mate.
314
00:18:14,590 --> 00:18:16,380
Oh,
now who's a Little Englander?!
315
00:18:16,410 --> 00:18:17,600
Oh, shut up, Helga!
316
00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:20,930
He could have a bomb or
anything. Put your hands up!
317
00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:23,060
Oh,
I don't think that's necessary.
318
00:18:23,090 --> 00:18:24,800
He's probably one of
these illegal immigrants
319
00:18:24,830 --> 00:18:26,800
come from that detention
centre in Yeovil.
320
00:18:26,830 --> 00:18:27,880
Well, what's he doing here,
then?!
321
00:18:27,910 --> 00:18:29,980
I don't know,
he's probably just hungry.
322
00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:33,710
Do you want some bread or a
little bowl of milk or something?
323
00:18:33,740 --> 00:18:35,540
He's not a hedgehog, Mick.
324
00:18:35,570 --> 00:18:36,570
Hands up!
325
00:18:41,350 --> 00:18:46,020
? Land of hope and glory... ?
326
00:18:46,050 --> 00:18:47,860
Well, I'll be blowed!
327
00:18:47,940 --> 00:18:49,600
Dawn! Penny!
328
00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:53,930
What? What is it?
329
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:56,390
When I came through earlier,
all this food had been eaten.
330
00:18:56,420 --> 00:18:56,970
Eaten?
331
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:58,950
Yeah. The dog must have climbed
up on a chair or something.
332
00:18:58,980 --> 00:19:01,580
- And now...
- It's a miracle!
333
00:19:02,300 --> 00:19:04,190
Do you think he could be...
334
00:19:04,890 --> 00:19:06,190
from Ocado?
335
00:19:06,220 --> 00:19:08,470
I'm sorry about this.
336
00:19:08,500 --> 00:19:12,100
I just want to be sure you're
not carrying a concealed weapon.
337
00:19:12,420 --> 00:19:17,460
People get tied up, gagged,
forcibly broken into.
338
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:19,680
I... I don't want
that to happen to me.
339
00:19:19,710 --> 00:19:20,780
Dad...
340
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:22,390
he's bleeding.
341
00:19:26,610 --> 00:19:29,260
He's come back, just like
the song said he would.
342
00:19:29,290 --> 00:19:30,560
What song? What you on about?
343
00:19:30,590 --> 00:19:31,920
A New Jerusalem.
344
00:19:31,950 --> 00:19:34,300
You were an awfully long time
in that conservatory, Penny.
345
00:19:34,330 --> 00:19:35,550
You sure you don't
know what's going on?
346
00:19:35,580 --> 00:19:37,370
I told you,
I've never seen him...
347
00:19:39,020 --> 00:19:40,020
What?
348
00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:42,620
I denied him three times!
349
00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:46,720
Oh, my Lord! I'm so sorry!
350
00:19:46,750 --> 00:19:49,890
I am so, so sorry!
351
00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:51,550
What are you talking about?
I never touched him.
352
00:19:51,580 --> 00:19:53,630
I think the best thing is
if I just phone the police.
353
00:19:53,660 --> 00:19:56,630
No! They'll persecute him
and stick him in a cell.
354
00:19:56,660 --> 00:19:57,980
We've got to do something,
Penny.
355
00:19:58,010 --> 00:20:00,200
I can't have him standing there,
bleeding all over my house!
356
00:20:00,230 --> 00:20:03,500
- Er, it's not your house, remember?
- Oh, fuck off, Brian.
357
00:20:03,530 --> 00:20:05,080
You'll have to forgive
my sister-in-law.
358
00:20:05,110 --> 00:20:06,860
- What's your name?
- Yusuf.
359
00:20:06,890 --> 00:20:08,500
She's had a rather nasty shock.
360
00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:12,010
She, like you, finds herself
far from her motherland.
361
00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:14,770
This piece of paper
means nothing to me.
362
00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:16,580
Do you understand? Nothing!
363
00:20:16,610 --> 00:20:19,610
It doesn't change who I
am or what I believe in.
364
00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:20,980
I love my country!
365
00:20:21,010 --> 00:20:24,380
And I'm sick and tired of
people like you doing us down!
366
00:20:24,410 --> 00:20:26,410
I'm not ready to go yet!
367
00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:29,080
I thought you'd be pleased - coming
from the land of Beethoven's Ninth
368
00:20:29,110 --> 00:20:31,470
and Black Forest gateau,
Volkswagen and Audi.
369
00:20:31,500 --> 00:20:34,140
Vorsprung durch Technik
and Arbeit macht frei...
370
00:20:34,170 --> 00:20:35,300
You're a monster!
371
00:20:35,330 --> 00:20:38,630
Oh, let's put shells on little sticks,
so you can poke around in your own stool
372
00:20:38,660 --> 00:20:40,050
to see how healthy you are!
373
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,290
For the love of God,
will you leave her alone?!
374
00:20:44,450 --> 00:20:50,160
? Land of hope and glory ?
375
00:20:50,190 --> 00:20:54,600
? Mother of the free... ?
376
00:20:55,800 --> 00:21:01,180
- Oh, Jesus Christ!
- * How shall we extol thee? *
377
00:21:02,110 --> 00:21:03,510
Oh, Dad!
378
00:21:03,730 --> 00:21:04,730
It's ok.
379
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:10,030
Sorry.
380
00:21:10,060 --> 00:21:12,560
It's all right, just look at me.
Look at me.
381
00:21:12,590 --> 00:21:13,690
It's all right.
382
00:21:14,070 --> 00:21:17,810
It's OK. It's all right.
Everything's OK. It's OK.
383
00:21:17,900 --> 00:21:20,370
It's OK. It's all right.
384
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:22,990
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
385
00:21:24,190 --> 00:21:27,720
Forgive them, Father,
for they know not what they do.
386
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:34,610
Stop it, Brian! Stop it!
387
00:21:36,510 --> 00:21:39,500
? Make thee ?
388
00:21:39,530 --> 00:21:46,560
? Mightier yet! ?
389
00:21:46,590 --> 00:21:49,580
I... I'm thirsty...
390
00:22:39,820 --> 00:22:46,390
? And did those feet in ancient times ?
391
00:22:46,420 --> 00:22:52,290
? Walk upon England's mountains green? ?
392
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:58,800
? And was the holy Lamb of God ?
393
00:22:58,830 --> 00:23:05,060
? On England's pleasant pastures seen? ?
394
00:23:05,090 --> 00:23:11,000
? And did the Countenance Divine ?
395
00:23:11,030 --> 00:23:17,290
? Shine forth upon our clouded hills? ?
396
00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:24,000
? And was Jerusalem builded here ?
397
00:23:24,030 --> 00:23:31,770
? Among these dark Satanic mills? ?
398
00:23:40,150 --> 00:23:47,300
? Bring me my bow of burning gold ?
399
00:23:47,370 --> 00:23:53,200
? Bring me my arrows of desire ?
400
00:23:53,590 --> 00:23:59,480
? Bring me my spear O clouds unfold ?
401
00:23:59,510 --> 00:24:06,020
? Bring me my chariot of fire ?
402
00:24:06,050 --> 00:24:12,040
? I will not cease from mental fight ?
403
00:24:12,070 --> 00:24:18,260
? Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand ?
404
00:24:18,290 --> 00:24:25,200
? Till we have built Jerusalem ?
405
00:24:25,230 --> 00:24:34,370
? In England's green
and pleasant land. ?
406
00:24:56,950 --> 00:24:58,260
He's fast asleep.
407
00:25:00,230 --> 00:25:01,250
I, erm...
408
00:25:02,150 --> 00:25:04,400
I put Oliver in Mummy's bed.
409
00:25:05,210 --> 00:25:07,790
Can't remember the last
time it was slept in.
410
00:25:07,980 --> 00:25:08,980
I can.
411
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:12,860
Last year, when we had that
argument about cream teas.
412
00:25:12,890 --> 00:25:15,540
- It's jam first.
- It's cream first.
413
00:25:16,660 --> 00:25:19,770
Anyway, I was despatched
from the marital bed and
414
00:25:20,460 --> 00:25:22,680
that's where I ended
up spending the night.
415
00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:26,200
You did a great
job with the room.
416
00:25:26,390 --> 00:25:27,390
Yeah.
417
00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:30,110
Oh, and I found The Angel...
418
00:25:30,140 --> 00:25:32,610
...Islington, so we've
got a full Monopoly now.
419
00:25:33,860 --> 00:25:36,210
Oh, well,
there's some good news.
420
00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:37,570
Good news?!
421
00:25:40,190 --> 00:25:41,690
I was just explaining to Penny
422
00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:44,500
that all that food came out
of our chest freezer, so...
423
00:25:45,610 --> 00:25:47,300
not a miracle after all.
424
00:25:49,030 --> 00:25:51,150
Maybe he was some kind of chef.
425
00:25:51,380 --> 00:25:52,400
Yeah.
426
00:25:53,060 --> 00:25:55,640
And those water bottles,
I use for my home brew,
427
00:25:55,670 --> 00:25:57,810
so they could easily
have had alcohol in them.
428
00:25:57,840 --> 00:25:59,110
That explains that.
429
00:25:59,310 --> 00:26:00,760
And the stigmata?
430
00:26:00,790 --> 00:26:02,460
I told you earlier.
431
00:26:02,750 --> 00:26:05,380
Mick smashed a glass.
He probably just cut himself.
432
00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:08,970
He wasn't special, darling.
433
00:26:09,010 --> 00:26:10,680
He wasn't the Second Coming.
434
00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:14,330
Just a strange man who
broke into our house.
435
00:26:15,870 --> 00:26:17,790
We had to defend ourselves.
436
00:26:19,470 --> 00:26:21,160
Englishman's home and all that.
437
00:26:21,500 --> 00:26:22,690
That's right, Brian.
438
00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:24,750
It's Daddy's home.
439
00:26:27,150 --> 00:26:29,200
We had to do what
was best by him.
440
00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:31,870
Absolutely.
441
00:26:33,460 --> 00:26:37,440
He had such beautiful skin.
442
00:26:40,890 --> 00:26:45,540
? Should old acquaintance be forgot ?
443
00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:51,170
? And never brought to mind? ?
444
00:26:52,030 --> 00:26:57,170
? Should old acquaintance be forgot ?
445
00:26:57,410 --> 00:27:01,630
? For the sake of auld lang syne ?
446
00:27:02,590 --> 00:27:07,810
? For auld lang syne, My dear ?
447
00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:12,480
? For auld lang syne ?
448
00:27:12,980 --> 00:27:17,800
? We'll take a cup o' kindness yet ?
449
00:27:17,830 --> 00:27:22,250
? For auld lang syne. ?
450
00:27:22,970 --> 00:27:28,660
? For auld lang syne, my dear ?
451
00:27:28,690 --> 00:27:34,230
? For auld lang syne ?
452
00:27:34,260 --> 00:27:40,080
? We'll take a cup o' kindness yet ?
453
00:27:40,110 --> 00:27:42,140
? For the sake ?
454
00:27:42,170 --> 00:27:49,130
? Of auld lang syne. ?
455
00:27:49,180 --> 00:27:53,730
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