All language subtitles for Sebastian.Maniscalco.Sebastian.Live.2007.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

You've been in here four
hours, are you ready?

Of course I'm ready.

Two sprays on the wrist.

Four.

And a walk-through.

All right.

St. Louis, give it up, huh?

Home of Budweiser.

I'm in a text message
war right now.

Anybody do text messaging?

Never knew I had the option.

Get in a fight with
your girlfriend.

You'll find out what text
messaging is all about.

I left the house, a little
envelope came up on the screen.

I'm like, what is this?

It's a message from
her, I pressed.

It's like, why have you changed?

And I didn't know there was
rules to text messaging.

I called her back.

I'm like, what's going on?

She's like, what the
hell are you doing?

We're not ready for this,
hang up and text me back.

I'm not good with the thumb.

And there's a thing on
here that will help you out

called T9 Word.

It will actually guess
what you're trying to say.

Yeah, don't use this drunk.

Don't don't come
home horny, drunk,

you want to text your
girl a sexy message.

Look what you're typing
before you send it.

I didn't look, I just, you know.

I got a call right back.

She's like, uh, what do you
Mean you want to kick my puppy?

'Cause we love the phone,
we love this thing.

I saw you guys coming
in, looking at it.

If it doesn't ring, five, 10
minutes go by, you get nervous.

You take it out, you're
like, is this on?

Just dyin' for a call.

And they give you
so many options.

Anybody using any
of these options?

Anybody using the world clock?

Anybody ever stop you?

Excuse me, time it
is in Japan, please?

Voice memo?

Who's walking around
town, buy eggs!

We just love hitting
buttons, don't we?

Love it.

You ever get into stuff
that you don't even know

what the hell
you're getting into?

Ever get into starting
web browser by accident?

Phone starts connecting, you
start sweatin', you're like,

I got to get out of this.

This is at least $82
a minute, I know it.

It's connecting,
phone is shaking.

I drop my phone, ever
do that, drop it?

It's like it happens
in slow motion.

Came out of the pocket, poof!

You try and catch
it, but you can't.

And my battery flew off.

You ever have the
battery flew off?

For some reason, we think
this thing's got a heartbeat.

Like we got to put it
together within seconds.

Like, oh, my Ood, the
battery, come on, breathe!

'Cause we can't lose
the contact list.

Does anybody know
anybody's phone number

off the top of their head?

Yeah, my mother's phone
number, don't know it.

Just contact, ma, send.

Where's this guy, with
the phone right here?

Where's this guy?

That's my phone!

Yeah, it's right here.

Might go off soon.

It's all right, he looks
like he should have

his phone there.

He's a cool guy, probably
got a song For the ringtone.

Yeah, his phone goes off here,

tonight, the whole
room's gonna...

Don't answer, good part
coming up, I like this one.

'Cause we love it,
you ever ask somebody

to borrow their phone?

Watch them go into
a panic attack?

I asked my buddy, John,
can I Borrow your phone?

He's like, for what,
what do you wanna do?

I'm gonna use it to make
flapjacks, gimme it.

You ever see the way people
Take care of their phone?

I flipped his phone open.

On the screen here, it had
the cheek juice, like, ugh.

I can't even see the time.

What, is your head leaking?

Why is there hair on your phone?

'Cause we love
technology, we love it.

Everybody's at the
gym with the iPod.

You ever see these people?

They love, anybody
got an iPod here?

Oh, yeah, of course,
look at 'em, proud.

Different colors,
they got it in.

They go to the gym, they strap
it right here to their bicep.

It's my Pod.

And they're looking at me 'cause
I'm still working with CD.

It's like a dinosaur
walked into the club.

I walk in, big cd
player hanging on.

And all the iPod people,
they stop what they're doing

when I walk in, right?

They're, like, shocked, they're
like this, look at this!

Is that a CD player
this guy's...

Poor guy.

Look at him change discs!

'Cause with your iPod, you
got everything right here.

You know, whatever.

Workout music, whatever you
want, one button, you got it.

Yeah, God forbid if you're
still working with cassette.

Remember the tape?

Put that in your yellow,
waterproof Walkman?

Huh?

Why was that waterproof?

Anybody ever go swimming
With that damn thing on?

Anybody ever dive in a
pool, gimme my Walkman,

I'm going under.

Took you all afternoon to find
a song on a cassette tape.

Be sitting there

It's not on this
tape, where is it?

You told me it was on the
Maxell 90, where is it?

90 minutes of music
they gave us, remember?

Then they bumped it up.

They gave us 120, two hours.

Yeah, I didn't know what to do.

I was calling my friends,
dude, two hours of music.

Where they goin'
with this stuff?

Now I got my friends
with the iPod.

Hey, Sebastian, I got 79
weeks Of music right here.

There was no iTunes back then.

You like a song tonight, you'll
Burn it when you get home.

You'll get that song.

Not 20 years ago, I had
to wait four or five weeks

that damn thing came
on the radio, right?

And I always had my
cassette in the radio.

Right?

I didn't know when my
song was coming on.

I had to be ready.

I could've been
washing my car, right?

Hear my song, that's
it, that's it!

Got it.

Four weeks I been waiting
for this to come on.

Sometimes you got the
DJ introduction on it.

Remember that?

You're like, Oh, I
got the intro now!

Ah, man, they're not
gonna think I bought it.

Then we fill up the tape.

It's label time.

You got to label it.

Take it, peel off side A, right?

Put that on the tape.

Give it some stupid name
we Thought was so cool.

Hot Hits.

Mega Mix.

Remember that little
sleeve they gave ya?

The little cassette sleeve
that you're supposed

to turn around and write
the name of the artist

and the song?

They give you about this
much room to do all that.

Be sitting there writing
the song, and then you have

to whip it down the side.

Wham.

Digital camera,
that's another thing.

People lose their mind
when They take a picture

with this damn thing.

They love it, they take
it out of their pocket

wherever they're at.

Normally it's right
Here in their pocket.

Hey, c'mon.

C'mon, we're gonna take a
picture, I got it, c'mon.

You ever see the way they
react after they take it?

It's like this.

Look!

That's us.

Pass it around, let
everybody see it.

'Cause we need it now,
there's no waiting.

There's no waiting for
film, I need to see it.

Remember when we had film?

Big lens hanging off your chest.

Took it on vacation, right?

Went to Sea World
to go see Shamu.

Sat down, Shamu popped
out of the water, poof!

Hope we got that.

It's technology, it's
how we communicate.

Internet, everybody loves email.

Got my buddy calling me.

People are calling me.

You ever have somebody
call you and ask you

if you got the email?

My buddy's like, did
you get my email?

No, what's your email address?

Dirtyball69@yahoo.

Why would I open that?

That's one of those that
come in, you're like,

oh, I don't, should
I click there?

Is it a virus, what?

Yeah.

I just got dumped on
the email recently,

right through the internet.

Yeah, this guy, yeah, I know,
it's terrible, believe me.

'Cause when you start dating,
when you first start dating,

emails are cute.

Couldn't wait to get it.

'Cause women take
their time with email.

Their subject heading
is always friendly.

Yeah, hey, baby.

Thinkin' of you, dot, dot, dot.

Open up the email, every other
word is a different color.

Waterfall background.

Yeah, a little
attachment file, right?

You click that, a
heart comes up, poof!

Cracks open, little butterfly
starts flying around.

Talking to ya, I love you.

Dump email?

Different story.

Subject heading?

None.

Cap lock.

Bold.

Got the take care at the end.

Take care?

That's something you tell the
cabby after the fare, right?

Take care, buddy, I'll
see ya, take care.

I didn't give six weeks

of my life for take care.

It all ended in Las Vegas.

That's where it came down.

If you think you're in
a great relationship,

you think this is Fantastic,
take a weekend to Vegas.

Test it out.

Something about that town
brings out the worst in people.

I didn't know what the
hell she was arguing for.

I got there, the littlest
things were setting her off.

I went to go grab her
hand in the casino,

I gave her a little
static electricity,

she's like...

Pick your feet up.

What do you want
me to do, float?

I didn't want to fight, I
don't like confrontation.

I'm like, all right, we're
in Vegas, let's enjoy this.

I went to go grab her ass
In the casino, a little

you know, we're
dating type of thing.

Don't touch my ass when
we're out in public.

You were juggling my nuts
rhe first night we met.

So I'm like, all
right, let's go gamble.

Maybe that will cool things out.

And, guys, you
know how it works.

We pay, they play, right?

Yeah.

They have no concept
of Gambling, right?

They love the slots, so I
put $100 in the slot machine,

and Right away, she's
poof, poof, poof, poof!

Yeah, relax.

Let's enjoy the spin.

Take a look at the
cherry and the tangerine.

Let's get a free
drink out of this.

I lost $80 in two minutes, gone.

I said, cash out,
we're not winning here.

Just cash it out.

She's like, no, no, no, no.

I got a feeling.

I said, yeah, I
got a feeling too,

that we're not gonna
be eating tonight.

Now cash out.

But the Vegas trip with the
girl is a totally different

Vegas Trip than with
the guys, right?

Yeah.

I recently went to Vegas
for a bachelor party.

Guys, do not go to Vegas
for a bachelor party

with 10 of your
cheapest friends.

I get there, all of us
are staying in one room.

It's like, yeah, we're not
gonna spend much time up here.

Just take the bathtub,
you'll be all right.

And the best man's bragging.

We got strippers comin'
up to the room, man.

Strippers, yeah,
we got two of 'em.

Everybody's got to buck
up, the total's $29.95.

$30, who the hell are
we getting for $30?

So we're all sitting there,
waiting for that knock

to come to the door.

All right, they come
up, I open up the door.

They're naked already
in the hallway.

Get in here, what, did you
walk down the hall like this?

And we got the runaways,
you know, the 18-year-olds

that don't even know what
the hell they're doing there,

they just walk in.

I'm looking, one of
'em had one implant.

Had a 36D over here,
and a 32B roped off,

under construction on this.

I'm savin' up.

So, we're like, all
right, you Know.

The guys don't care, all
right, just come on in.

They want to give us lap dances.

Yeah, they didn't
even bring a radio.

I got to put the
alarm clock radio on.

You ever tried picking a
station off this thing?

I'm searchin', I look back,
they're dancing to commercials.

No rhythm, no sexy moves.

And I stood up, I said,
after 10 minutes, I said,

listen, ladies,
nobody's hard here.

Take your boob and go home.

So I went to go gamble,
and I don't know how

to gamble either, I
can't stand gambling,

'cause I start sweating.

It's not fun for me, 'cause
I'm relating everything

I'm losing to a bill
I got back home.

Right, it's not dollars,
it's the bills, right?

I'm like, oh, there goes
the health insurance.

I just lost my health insurance.

Then I go the ATM in the
casino back, you know.

Come on, come on.

It's the only time I'm
getting money in the casino,

is at the ATM, that's it.

So it's good to be
back in the Midwest.

I just grew up in Chicago,
not too far from here, right?

Love it, I love the Midwest.

I grew up in an Italian
family, any Italians here?

Yeah, a couple?

Really weird growing
up Italian, I tell ya.

Especially at my house.

I just talked to my dad today.

And he's like, well,
what's going on?

He doesn't even know where
he goes half of the time.

He's got his own names
to the stores, you know?

He can't put it together.

He's like, yeah, no, I went
Over to, Bath and Beyond.

I went to get some
coffee at Starbusters.

Yeah, it's a good place.

He's like, I caught an Italian
mouse, though, in the house.

I caught it, Italian mouse.

I said, how the hell do
you know it's Italian?

He said, I'll tell ya how.

I had the trap down for two
nights with cheddar cheese.

Nothin'.

Soon as I put the
provolone, ding, got 'em.

Italian mouse.

I didn't even know how Italian
I was until Christmas Eve.

That's where I figured
out, wow, we're Italian.

'Cause the kids at school told
me one thing, I come home,

my father told me something
totally different.

Kids at school are like,
put out milk and cookies

for Santa Claus.

He's comin' tonight.

OK, five years old, I'm
setting up the table,

putting out the
milk, the cookies.

My father comes over,
he's like, what's this?

What is it?

I said, it's milk and cookies.

For Santa, he's comin' tonight.

He's like, go get rid of
this, and get the pinot grigio

and the meatballs
in the refrigerator.

Santa's not gonna eat this.

Matter of fact,
santa had a long day.

Go get the scotch.

Mrs. Claus is drivin'
him up a wall.

But it's cold, it's
cold in the Midwest.

We got to do things quick out
here, 'cause winter comes.

We got five months to do stuff.

That's why people
in the Midwest,

we're quick with stuff, right?

Travel elsewhere, people
are just in a fog.

Right, just going into
stores, trying to get stuff.

'Cause I like to go in and out.

I don't want a hassle,
no nothing, right?

Everything's a problem
everywhere I go.

I went to Walgreens.

One guy works at Walgreens.

He does everything,
he's in photo,

then he's running
over to the pharmacy.

I'm like, what?

Nine checkout stands, one guy.

Was there ever nine people
Working here, ever, right?

'Cause you walk in,
there's always a line.

It's always a problem.

Every line I get into,
my line never moves.

I'm always in the back of
the line, looking up there.

You ever see the cashier leave?

You're like, where
are you going?

People don't even think
they have to pay for stuff.

When was it ever free?

People are shocked that
they're getting a total.

They come up, nothing
out, that's $18.82.

What?

You ever see the checkbook come
out? What's this, checkbook?

2007 checkbook,
what are you doing?

You'll see it, it will come
out of a bag in, slow motion.

The whole line sees it,
they're like, oh God.

We got a checkbook.

'Cause it's just
not the checkbook.

It's stuff that goes
with the checkbook.

Glasses always come on.

We got to find the,
hold on, one second.

Let me find it.

Who do I make out the check to?

Walgreens, it's on the
guy's apron, on the bags.

There's a lot of hints here.

People talking to the cashier.

People asking questions.

Just go home.

And I'm looking in line,
I start looking outside,

and there's somebody
asking for money.

I hate this, right?

Like, the charities
or whatever they are.

I'll give to charity, but I
don't like to be approached

with a clipboard,
I don't like that.

'Cause you start
looking, you're like,

oh, what do I got to
deal with out there?

'Cause you don't, it's
a very uncomfortable.

They come up to you
right when you walk up.

I put my head down, right?

They come up, head down.

No, I'm good!

Sir, no, I'm good!

And sometimes, they hit you
with that god bless you.

God bless you, sir.

You're like, oh, God,
what did I just do.

Went to the grocery store,
that's another place.

Getting a little casual
At the grocery store, huh?

Anybody care what they
look like anymore?

People just come out as is, eh.

Must roll out of bed.

And they're in
the fruit section.

Yeah, just a robe, eh.

I'm comfortable.

I'd be, I'm comfortable.

I don't care what anyone
else thinks, I'm comfortable.

Yeah, I'm uncomfortable
that you're comfortable.

Shower.

I shower, it's an
event in my house.

Some of my friends call me.

Yeah, I'm gonna take a quick
shower, I'll be right over.

Eh, stay in there for a bit.

Clean yourself.

Right?

I get in the shower, I
do a full-body presoak.

It's time to work.

Who's still washing
with their hands?

What are you doing?

You wash your car
with your hands?

Go get the loofah.

An exfoliating glove,
it's time to work.

Got my Lever 2000
antibacterial body wash.

Yeah, yeah, you know,
put a little dime of soap

into your glove, and
then you lather up.

And I shut the shower off.

No need for water right now.

I do a full lathering,
from head to toe.

And why are we rinsing so fast?

Let the soap work.

Yeah, I sit there, eight,
nine minutes just marinating.

I get out of the shower,
I got a little baby powder

waiting For me, take
a little of that.

Poof!

Got a hot date like this
guy, think I might get lucky.

Take another scoop, pooF!

All right, prepare it.

You want 'em coming back here.

They're not gonna come back
if it smells like seaweed.

I go a step further, I put
a little cologne on mine.

Hurts at first.

But nine hours later,
when she's got a mouthful

of Acqua di Gio.

Who's happy?

I put my clothes on,
take the cologne again.

I do my two sprays on the wrist,

Four and a walk-through.

And I'm ready to go buy milk.

That grocery store,
people stink, don't they?

Sometimes the stench
will find you.

I was sitting in
line, I was like

Wait a minute.

Where's this coming
from, what is this?

This guy's mouth was so bad,

it was cascading over my head.

I got caught in a mouth cloud.

And a lot of people,
they just keep it in.

They're like, God,
this guy stinks.

I talk to people while I'm out.

I had to turn around with
this guy, it was so bad.

I was like, excuse me, sir?

Did somebody crap in your mouth?

My eyes are watering.

Drop the tabloid, pick
up one Of these Altoids,

will you, please?

And that's another
line that doesn't move,

grocery store line.

Guy had four items, four items.

I'm like, oh, good, four items.

We're not gonna screw
this up, are we?

They scan it, boop,
boop, boop, boop.

Then he pulled this one.

And a pack of Marlboro
lights, please.

Now we got to go to the cage.

That's another five
minutes out of my day.

People with the receipts,
what are you looking at?

Throw it away, chuck
it, get rid of it.

I get my receipt,
goodbye, I don't need it.

It's not because I got money.

It's because, yeah,
sometimes you do get screwed.

But then sometimes you walk
out Of the store with the water

underneath your cart.

It's free today, I forgot.

Over the course of a
lifetime, that all evens out.

We don't got to hold up
the line With questions

about the receipt.

You'll see the lady, she's
got that receipt face.

That light bulb goes
off in her head.

She's like, excuse me.

Hi, I didn't get the
club card savings today.

Yeah, the kudos, they're
on sale for $2.99.

You charged me $3.02.

Three cents, you're
gonna find three cents

on the way to the car.

Get out of my life.

What else?

Went to get a haircut,
I'm going bald.

Anybody else bald?

Yeah!

Yeah, this guy's proud of it.

You're proud, Good for
you, he's accepted it.

I got a hard problem,
'cause I take a shower,

I got the, look at my
hand, I'm like, oh, my God.

That's a toupee.

Right, and I went to
the doctor, he said

Rogaine or Propecia,
that's my two options.

Propecia, the pill, the side
effect, erectile dysfunction.

I said, listen, Doc.

The whole reason...

I don't want to have a full
head of hair and no boner.

I also don't want to
be bald With a rod.

And you got no chick.

This guy's walking around
stiff, eh, no, no girl.

But no, they told me,
you got to go to a salon.

That's where you got to go.

They do it in a way
that doesn't look like

it's going, right?

And most guys, what do we
do, barber, nothing fancy.

Just one guy, 12
bucks, does everything.

Cuts it, cleans it,
does everything.

He's got his combs
in the blue juice.

Anybody ever ask what
that blue juice is?

What is that?

You ever see 'em
whip out the comb?

OK, we're gonna comb your hair.

Hey, you want to get
the acid off the comb?

Maybe that's why
it's falling out.

So I go to this high-end
Beverly Hills salon, right?

And you drop a normal guy into
a salon, we don't even know

what we're doing
in there, right?

'Cause ladies, you know,
you spend the day there.

You know how it works.

We don't know what
we're doing in there.

It's very intimidating.

I walked in, all the
women that worked there

had a headset on.

I thought I walked into
a Rhythm Nation video.

They came out, said, edit.

You got to come up and ask
for your stylist, you know?

Not a normal name,
it's just some guy,

Some foreign guy, you don't
even know how to, you know,

hi, excuse me, I'm here for,

Damo?

Is that a guy?

And Damo's so busy he can't
even come out to see you, right?

He sends out an assistant.

She comes out, Hi, Sebastian,
welcome to Shwa Shwa.

Would you like to go
in the back and change?

I'm getting my hair cut, right?

When the hell did you get
naked to get a haircut?

When did this start,
I didn't get the memo.

'Cause they put you in a room
with these beautiful robes.

I take off my shirt, I
put the robe on, I'm like,

what am I doing?

I come back in the salon,
nobody tells you where to go.

Just walking around.

Damo here?

Walked into the area
where they wash you.

You know, they got all
the Washing set up.

Playmate model comes out.

Beautiful woman comes out,
she says, Hi, Sebastian.

Can I wash your head?

Yeah, let's get this started,
where do I go for this?

That's why I got the robe on?

So I sit down in the bowl.

She puts my head down,
and she starts giving me

a beautiful, sensual massage,

and then, like, a
nipple fell in my mouth.

I was like...

How much does this cost?

Now she dries me.

Now you got that
dry head and a robe.

She puts me back into the
salon, still no direction,

just...

Damo here?

I go to Damo's station,
it's like a shrine.

His chair's elevated.

I sit in this chair, no Damo.

Waiter came up to me.

Can I get you a biscotti?

Some cappuccino?

What, now, I'm
getting my hair cut.

Then some smoke
started in the corner.

Here comes Damo.

A cape.

He's got his shears in
a holster, says Damo.

Then he took his shears out.

And he walked away.

I'm like, this is over?

And then he came
back with product.

They love the product, they
love the upsell, right?

Come back with a little,
little thing, right?

You can't even get this
In the States, you know.

What?

Then he did that little
whip, what they do,

you know, the little...

OK.

Yeah, like they're
gonna make a pizza.

OK, we're gonna do
it, right, nice, yeah?

Then he starts going
in on my head, poof!

Poof, poof, poof, poof!

I'm sitting there, what the?

And after it's done,
you're just sitting there

looking at yourself,
you're like, God.

I look fantastic.

That's the best $1,800
I've ever spent.

Then I went to T.J. Maxx.

Anybody been to this nightmare?

What, do you own
the joint, yeah!

I walked into TJ, I thought I
walked into Downtown Beirut.

I thought a bomb went
off at this store.

Everything is on the floor.

How are they shopping
at that store?

What, are they pulling
stuff off the shelf,

yeah, this is not my size.

I went looking for
jeans, I heard they had

cheap jeans at TJ.

So, I'm in the store, shopping.

I found a pair

in housewares.

Stamped Irregular, anybody
buying irregular clothing?

Ever see that
Irregular stamp here?

Now you got to lay it out.

You got to find out
what the hell happened.

Why are these a dollar?

'Cause originally, $98.

Now a buck.

You got to find out why $97
been knocked off the pant.

And if you're like me, you
look at 'em, you're like,

what, I can't find it, I
can't find the problem.

I found a treasure.

'Til you get to
that fitting room.

By the way, try it on
wherever you find it.

You go to the fitting room,
no drape, no door, nothin'.

People walking by.

I went to go get the zipper,
the button, all this stuff,

wasn't even here.

I found that right
here on the calf.

Ever see the people they
got working at the store?

Irregular.

Is there even an
interview over there?

They just give 'em a vest.

Here, go, walk around the store.

Went to the underwear section,
all the underwear is boxed.

The box has been ripped
open so many times,

they got to duct tape 'em shut.

You don't even know what
the hell you're buying.

I took a gamble, C.K.
Boxer briefs for 39 cents.

I brought 'em home, I cut the
box open, it's a set of forks.

Then I went to Kmart.

Whatever you people feel
like doing at Kmart, do it.

You get a little thirsty?

Pop something open.

Who's lookin'?

A guy was drinking cranberry
juice right off the shelf.

Just took a sip, OK,
that's all I need.

Let's go, kids, c'mon.

No, open the Sun Chips, eat.

Why buy it at Kmart,
use it in the store.

I went by sporting goods,
there was a guy running

on the treadmill.

Not testing it out, doing
a 45 minute workout.

With a trainer.

Yeah.

Oh, man, I did have a
good summer, though.

Now that it's winter, I
did have a good summer.

I took my niece to
the water slides.

Anyone been to the
water slides lately?

Went to Wet 'n Wild, haven't
been there in 20 years.

Things have changed, people.

When I was a kid, I went, two
bucks to get into the park.

They give you a little
shammy, here, go.

Right, there's one slide, I
think it was called Fun Run.

You go up 10 steps with your
Shammy, throw yourself down.

Oh, wow.

You were going so slow, you
would stop in the middle.

And some more water
would come, whoa, OK.

Ease yourself into the
pool, no problem, right?

I went this past summer.

$29 to get into the
park, no shammy.

Instead, the guy gave
me a liability form.

He said, sir, you want
to sign that, please?

For what?

Ah, just in case you
die of a cardiac arrest

on one of the rides here.

How bad are the rides?

So, I go, rhe first ride I go
to is called the Black Hole.

30 stories up in the air.

And I get up there, I'm
out of breath, right?

And they got some carny
running the damn thing.

He's like, what's goin' on?

Get in!

Get in?

And you just don't
throw yourself down.

That silver bar, you
just threw yourself down.

They don't got that anymore.

This thing, they had a coffin
up there, with a door on it.

He's like, get in, get in.

All right.

So, I get in this thing,
the door slams shut,

speakers pop on.

Poof, poof!

Cross your arms and your legs.

Then, without any warning, the
floor drops from under you,

and you just,

it's like a free fall.

I don't even think there
was a slide behind me.

I think they just dropped
me, 30 foot stories

right under three feet of water.

I'm careening down, and I
happen to open up my legs

on entry into the pool.

I still don't know where the
bathing suit lining went.

So you know how it is,
we go underneath water,

and then we pop up, we don't
know where the hell we're at.

You look like an idiot, right?

So what I do is I hold, I stay.

Collect myself, right?

Make sure my shorts are on.

I do my hair.

And then I come out
of the water, cool,

like nothin' happened, right?

Guy next to me
didn't take the time.

He just popped up.

Naked.

Hair everywhere.

Had that swimmer's snot
Wrapped around, oh, my God.

Those people never know
they got that wrapped

around their head,
walking around.

That was a good ride!

People are disgusting.

The health club locker room.

Guys, locker room at the
health club, put a towel on.

What's with the walking
around just naked?

Comfortable, aren't they?

Like they're in their living
room, just walking around.

That guy always
wants to talk to me.

Buck naked, wants to start
a conversation with me.

Hey, guy?

How was your workout?

Get it off my knee.

One guy had a head of
hair on his ass, what?

I'm supposed to work
out With that visual?

Everybody's out with their dogs.

That's another thing I
can't stand, the dogs.

I love dogs, don't get me wrong.

I had one as a kid,
but now everybody's

taking it out shopping,
what's this all about?

Dressing it up?

The dog's got socks
on, what is this?

Socks and a sweater.

I had a dog as a kid, it
was like, eh, just a dog.

Just there, like
background music.

Doorbell would ring, woof,
and it would go somewhere.

Eh, come on in.

Wasn't the focal
point of our lives.

Yeah, maybe once in a while,
we'd bend down, all right, hey.

Get the hell out
of here, go ahead.

They had a Santa Claus this
year at the mall for your dog.

97 dogs in line, four kids
to see the normal Santa,

but the dog line
wrapped around the mall.

With the owners sitting
there petting the dog.

Hi, Thornton.

Yeah, you're gonna go see Santa.

And they put the
dog on Santa's lap.

And from that line they're
like, go ahead, Thornton!

Go ahead, tell
Santa what you want.

And I'm sitting there
looking, I'm like,

he just wants to lick his balls.

But he can't because
he's got a sweater on.

Just do dog things with the dog.

What happened to frisbee,
dog bone, what happened?

I went to the mall, somebody
had the dog in a stroller.

Yeah, with the kid
crawling behind 'em.

You see the dog on
Oprah, with the two legs?

You see this thing?

Yeah, Faith the dog.

Born with two hind legs,
that's it, no front legs.

Now, what the mother of
the dog is supposed to do

on instinct, it's
supposed to kill it.

The dog ain't gonna go
nowhere with two legs.

That's what they said
on Oprah, believe me.

Supposed to kill it.

No, now you add humans
to the equation.

Oh.

We're gonna save it.

Save?

For the first two weeks,
the dog's walking around

like this, eh?

I'm looking at this, I'm
like, what are they doing?

So they got the owner like,
what we did is, we dangled

peanut butter in
front of its head

so it would have to use the,
so the dog, one day, just,

pops up.

It's walking around
like a human being!

I'm like, what is that?

And Oprah's like,
please welcome Faith.

And it comes out
of the back like...

And the crowd's, like,
looking at the dog like

you're looking at
me, should we laugh?

Should we, what is it?

They actually have B-roll
of This dog walking across

a pedestrian crosswalk.

You imagine pulling up to rhe
stop sign and seeing this?

He's coming up for table scraps
at the dinner table, right?

Imagine being a guest in
that house for dinner?

Not knowing they have a dog?

And they're like, Faith,
come get your meal!

Oh, my God, what is it?

What is it, a kangaroo?

What're you doing?

Oh, it's OK.

That's people for you, right?

So, that's good.

We got you all out tonight,
everybody's kind of coupled up.

I see a lot of
couples out there.

Yeah, no, it's good, it's
good to be in a relationship.

It all starts at the first date,
that's the big date, right?

Normally go out for dinner.

What the guy does, ladies,
at the dinner date,

he's just trying to
figure out how much

the bill is in his head
before it comes to the table.

And I went out for sushi, I
have no idea what sushi costs.

Chicken, salad, steak, I
know what that goes for.

A dynamite roll, I have no
idea what the hell that is.

So I can't really guess
what the price is.

But the bill came, I'm thinking,
yeah, it's about 120 bucks.

Then I do the quick peek.

That's what we do
on that first date.

We don't look at
it like it's a life

insurance policy, right?

We act like it didn't
even come, you know?

So I saw the total, $256, yeah.

Yeah, whoo, I closed it,
and then I started sweating

on the inside of my body.

'Cause on that first date, you
can't let on that that total

might bother you, right?

You just have to
take that poker face.

But if you've been dating for
a while, or you're married

and you get a bill like that,

you'll flip it over, can
you believe this crap?

200 and, what the
hell did you eat?

You better take a good
look at this place.

We're not coming
back here again.

Take a look at the art.

Lick the plate, take
the wasabi home.

Steal something, take a
dish, put it in your purse.

They're not looking,
put it in your purse.

But that first
date, we take that.

We internalize it, like,
oh, God, that hurt.

So I put the credit
card on the bill.

We even do that
cool, right, ladies?

We pull out the credit
card, yeah, you can take it.

Go ahead, run it.

Now she starts talking to me.

I don't hear a word she says.

I just go into the
nodding mode, yeah.

Really?

Just thinking what job
I got to get to pay

for this disaster.

So it comes back, I sign it.

Now we got to go
somewhere else, right?

Most men, we don't
grasp this concept.

We want to go one
place and go home.

It's always the women
in the parking lot,

where are we going now?

We just did it.

They want atmosphere,
I want atmosphere.

We go to a wine
bar, we sit down.

Guys, the waiter is gonna
soak you for all you're worth.

He knows you're on
that first date.

Goes right to the lady, can
I get you a glass of wine?

She's like, Oh, I'll
just have a red.

He's like, hmm, may
I recommend something

with a velvety finish?

You mother...

Velvety?

That's an expensive word, you
don't know what the hell's

coming out to the table.

He's like, we just
popped open a bottle

of our Ferrari-Carano.

Ferrari's making wine?

So I had to go to the
bathroom, I had to relax.

I go to the bathroom, I
lock myself in the stall.

And then I take out that
itemized receipt from Sushi

to find out what
the hell happened.

What the hell did she get?

That's what we're
doing in there, ladies.

You're doing your
hair, we're looking

at financial statements.

Am I gonna make it?

So she comes back to the table.

Or I come back, and
she wants to dance.

She's like, I want to dance.

All right, it's the first date.

We do anything on
the first date.

She could ask us anything,
could you kill somebody for me?

Sure, why not?

We got to act like
we could do anything.

She's like, let's go dance,
I said, sure I dance.

Let's go, of course.

Now, she's in her
20s, I'm in my 30s.

Women in their 20s dance
a lot different than men

in their 30s, yeah.

That's a lot of
bending that goes on.

You got to be flexible
to get out there, guys.

'Cause she got out
to the dance floor,

right away she started
pulling this move down here.

Right?

Then she pulled a head whip.

I'm like, wow, I like this.

I want to participate.

But I don't know if I
can get down that far.

So I start going down, I'm
like, OK, I'm going down.

Right?

Then my legs start
burning, I'm like...

Then all of a sudden, poof, aw!

I don't know what happened here.

A ligament, a muscle,
something popped.

And I couldn't get back up.

It's that dating, we got to
act like we can do stuff.

But if you're in a
relationship, stay in one,

because single life
ain't much better.

Yeah, what do we got to do?

We got to go to a
club, nightclub?

Oh, yeah, first of
all, guys go to a club.

We're like a platoon of guys,
thinking we're gonna get in.

Go with 15 guys to a hot
nightclub, with the bouncer

outside with the clipboard.

And we send a negotiator up
to the front to negotiate

the deal while we wait
in the parking lot.

And he always comes back,
we're like, what's up, man?

We gettin' in, what's
going on, what's the deal?

He's like, all right,
this is The deal.

I've worked out
something real nice.

Everybody's got to buck up $250.

No cover.

So you go into these
nightclubs, lot of classy women

at the Nightclubs, huh, guys?

Oh, yeah, oh, of course.

Yeah, you could pick a
wife out of there, huh?

They don't know what the
hell they're wearing.

You go to these nightclubs,
they're walking around

with the half-top on.

Yeah, with the wrong
half hanging out.

Do a sit-up.

People are eating, tuck it in.

Yeah, have a little class.

Wrap the gift.

We don't need to see it all.

Come out with the
jeans half falling off,

you seen this, the
hip hugger pants?

They cut the waist right off
the pants, they're falling off.

That's not sexy.

I could see your asshole.

They got the sayings
on their shirt.

Do me.

Porn star.

Slut.

And they won't even talk to you.

What the hell did you
come out here for?

You got Got Cock question
mark on your shirt.

Now you're not talking?

You pick up morals between
the house and the club?

What happened?

And there's no men left either.

What happened, guys, to
macho guys, real men?

It's embarrassing, isn't it?

Go look at these bars. see
what they're ordering to drink.

Apple martinis?

Yeah, you're 35 years old.

You're walking around
with a green drink?

Little apple floating on top?

You go get a
Budweiser or something

that tastes like
gasoline, right?

Be a man.

Same guy walking around with
flip-flop sandals, what's this?

You seen some of
these guys' feet?

You ever see the guy
with the finger foot?

You ever seen this
guy walking around?

Toes so long he's
got knuckles on 'em?

Like he could pick up an orange
and then throw it at you?

You got a hand on your foot.

You ever see this ash
look here on the heel?

Where we going with this?

You want to take a pumice
rock To that, maybe?

File that down, you got a
cinder block on your foot.

Sock it.

It's the same guy at Starbucks
Making up his own drink.

You ever get behind this guy?

Gets excited it's his turn?

Made up a little
drink in his head?

He's like, yeah, I'll have a
soy, vanilla chip, gingerbread

spiced, mocha, hazelnut
frappuccino please?

What?

You get a black coffee
and you go to work.

Frappuccino?

Then he's got the nerve,
could you put a pillow

of whipped cream
on there, please?

Put a dome on it, dome it?

Dome it?

And they got their own
language at Starbucks.

This guy picked up his
drink, and this is what

he told the staff.

Thanks a latte.

This is today's man.

This is what you're looking
at, ladies, I blame the women.

This guy, always dating a
beautiful-looking woman.

What are you thinking?

This guy's gonna
stick up for you?

This is your rock?

This is who you're
turning to For protection?

You're walking home one night,

A mugger comes out of the
bush, what's Trevor gonna do?

With his flip-flops on,

sipping On his frap?

He can't even throw
hot coffee at the guy.

He's gonna throw a little
malt at him. Get away from!

Stand back, honey, I got this.

I will sandal slap
you, get away from us.

Good night, St. Louis,
my name is Sebastian.

You guys have been fantastic.

Thank you so much.

Thank you all.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

You guys have been great.

Thank you.

Have a wonderful,
wonderful night.

Take care of yourselves.

Take care.