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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:08,001 --> 00:00:13,001 Sync & corrections by Costa Dax www.addic7ed.com 2 00:00:16,941 --> 00:00:18,643 You can spin it, as quick as you can, 3 00:00:18,667 --> 00:00:20,867 and then you can see all the different colors like that. 4 00:00:20,868 --> 00:00:22,312 It's really clever. 5 00:00:22,387 --> 00:00:24,450 You didn't borrow my memory stick did you? 6 00:00:24,474 --> 00:00:26,370 It's got a picture of a vagina on it. 7 00:00:26,394 --> 00:00:28,250 Printed on the actual pic or as a JPEG? 8 00:00:28,274 --> 00:00:29,274 Both. 9 00:00:29,307 --> 00:00:30,952 And it's yours? 10 00:00:31,027 --> 00:00:33,283 The stick belongs to me but it's not my vagina. 11 00:00:33,307 --> 00:00:34,367 What does it look like? 12 00:00:34,407 --> 00:00:35,439 My vagina? 13 00:00:35,514 --> 00:00:36,774 Sorry, do you think terrorists 14 00:00:36,775 --> 00:00:38,195 just sit around chatting all day? 15 00:00:38,210 --> 00:00:39,472 Get back to work. 16 00:00:39,547 --> 00:00:41,537 I bet some of them do. 17 00:00:41,561 --> 00:00:43,083 You'd go mad otherwise wouldn't you? 18 00:00:43,107 --> 00:00:44,107 Suicidal. 19 00:01:08,667 --> 00:01:10,290 Do you want a biscuit or anything Tula? 20 00:01:10,314 --> 00:01:11,714 - Mary, do you want a biscuit? - No. 21 00:01:11,715 --> 00:01:13,097 They give you migraines? 22 00:01:13,121 --> 00:01:15,161 Okay, right, I need a full update from all of you. 23 00:01:15,162 --> 00:01:18,392 As you heard just now, we have Jerry Bernstein 24 00:01:18,467 --> 00:01:20,472 from the NSA arriving shortly. 25 00:01:20,547 --> 00:01:22,747 Oh my God, Jerry Bernstein's gonna be working with us? 26 00:01:22,748 --> 00:01:25,312 And he is going to be our NSA liaison. 27 00:01:25,387 --> 00:01:27,203 If you must speak to the Americans 28 00:01:27,227 --> 00:01:28,427 you'll now go through him. 29 00:01:28,467 --> 00:01:29,567 Is that gonna be a problem? 30 00:01:29,607 --> 00:01:31,163 Absolutely not, I'm a huge, huge fan. 31 00:01:31,187 --> 00:01:33,187 He and I had a lot of email back and forth on 9/11. 32 00:01:33,188 --> 00:01:34,272 He's a terrorist? 33 00:01:34,347 --> 00:01:36,003 No, Whitehall created the position 34 00:01:36,027 --> 00:01:38,319 as part of our shared intelligence initiative. 35 00:01:38,394 --> 00:01:40,952 Aside from providing a link to American resources 36 00:01:41,027 --> 00:01:43,137 I'm told he has a wealth of experience. 37 00:01:43,161 --> 00:01:44,890 Should I book Pizza Express in that case? 38 00:01:44,914 --> 00:01:46,314 I suspect he'll be too jet-lagged. 39 00:01:46,315 --> 00:01:47,417 I don't mind. 40 00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:48,963 Sorry, so will he be here long then? 41 00:01:48,987 --> 00:01:51,067 Yes, providing he plays by the rules. 42 00:02:03,201 --> 00:02:05,319 All right mate, excuse me. 43 00:02:07,194 --> 00:02:09,154 Mary, where are we with last week's cryptanalysis? 44 00:02:09,155 --> 00:02:10,432 Can you stop doing that please? 45 00:02:10,507 --> 00:02:13,119 Sorry the pages are a bit ripped, it was my cat. 46 00:02:13,194 --> 00:02:16,192 I'm worried he might have caught Huntington's disease. 47 00:02:16,267 --> 00:02:18,492 - You're born with Huntington's disease. - No I wasn't. 48 00:02:18,567 --> 00:02:19,592 It does not matter. 49 00:02:19,667 --> 00:02:21,363 No, I've heard it's really serious. 50 00:02:21,387 --> 00:02:23,707 Tuva, did you manage to hack the Scorpio server? 51 00:02:23,747 --> 00:02:26,072 All the names and IP addresses, 52 00:02:26,147 --> 00:02:28,432 plus recordings of their voicemails. 53 00:02:28,507 --> 00:02:30,272 That's really good, Tuva. 54 00:02:30,347 --> 00:02:32,203 Some of this is incredibly filthy. 55 00:02:32,227 --> 00:02:33,227 Thank you. 56 00:02:33,261 --> 00:02:34,912 Oh I love that kind of stuff. 57 00:02:34,987 --> 00:02:36,052 I can't take it. 58 00:02:36,127 --> 00:02:37,813 - You know you're not meant to eat it... - Latest systems update. 59 00:02:37,814 --> 00:02:38,872 Joseph, go. 60 00:02:38,947 --> 00:02:40,212 Now? Okay. 61 00:02:40,287 --> 00:02:43,000 So all our main systems seem to be running absolutely fine. 62 00:02:43,001 --> 00:02:44,481 We've still got a fair bit of chatter 63 00:02:44,505 --> 00:02:45,865 to analyze from yesterday morning, 64 00:02:45,866 --> 00:02:47,193 about 25% of that left to do. 65 00:02:47,227 --> 00:02:49,050 Also, I did end up stumbling across 66 00:02:49,074 --> 00:02:51,154 Matthew McConaughey's browsing history. 67 00:02:52,241 --> 00:02:54,992 Why is GSHQ's center for cyber security 68 00:02:55,067 --> 00:02:57,632 looking at Matthew McConaughey's browsing history? 69 00:02:57,707 --> 00:02:59,363 I suspected just a glitch in the system, 70 00:02:59,387 --> 00:03:01,066 but I just thought I'd follow it up just in case. 71 00:03:01,067 --> 00:03:02,380 Do you not want to know what he's been looking at? 72 00:03:02,381 --> 00:03:04,141 Is it in the interest of national security? 73 00:03:04,142 --> 00:03:07,152 Not really no, it's lawn mowers, mainly. Big ones. 74 00:03:07,227 --> 00:03:08,227 Ooh. 75 00:03:09,667 --> 00:03:11,130 Also we just lost our primary drone 76 00:03:11,154 --> 00:03:12,319 over the Iranian border. 77 00:03:12,394 --> 00:03:13,492 Jesus Christ. 78 00:03:13,567 --> 00:03:14,977 I know, and to add insult to injury 79 00:03:15,001 --> 00:03:16,641 the level three printer's stopped working. 80 00:03:16,642 --> 00:03:17,692 Oh no. 81 00:03:19,667 --> 00:03:21,392 Ooh, database breach. 82 00:03:21,467 --> 00:03:22,467 Bank of England. 83 00:03:24,027 --> 00:03:25,747 I've really gotta change that. 84 00:03:25,748 --> 00:03:27,352 How do you get yours to just beep? 85 00:03:27,427 --> 00:03:28,952 It's just set on beep. 86 00:03:29,027 --> 00:03:30,507 I think this must be Elaine. 87 00:03:30,508 --> 00:03:32,552 She walked down the aisle today. 88 00:03:32,627 --> 00:03:34,119 Sorry, sorry, sorry. 89 00:03:35,707 --> 00:03:37,912 Quick as you like. 90 00:03:37,987 --> 00:03:41,152 * Aserej� ja deje tejebe tude jebere * 91 00:03:41,227 --> 00:03:45,192 * Sebiunouba majabi an de bugui an de buididip� * 92 00:03:45,267 --> 00:03:48,519 * Aserej� ja deje tejebe tude jebere * 93 00:03:48,594 --> 00:03:53,032 * Sebiunouba majabi an de bugui an de buididip� * 94 00:03:53,107 --> 00:03:55,359 * Aserej� ja * 95 00:04:04,427 --> 00:04:06,787 Can you grab my luggage or do I need to do that too? 96 00:04:09,027 --> 00:04:10,937 Hello? Oh yeah, yeah yeah yeah. 97 00:04:10,961 --> 00:04:12,592 No I'll come down. Yes! 98 00:04:12,667 --> 00:04:14,457 Jerry's here. 99 00:04:14,481 --> 00:04:15,481 Jerry's here. 100 00:04:18,427 --> 00:04:19,552 Hey, Jerry. 101 00:04:19,627 --> 00:04:20,632 Hi. 102 00:04:20,707 --> 00:04:21,977 Joseph Harries. 103 00:04:22,001 --> 00:04:23,272 So great to finally meet you. 104 00:04:23,347 --> 00:04:24,347 Hey. 105 00:04:24,354 --> 00:04:25,592 Sorry, do we know each other? 106 00:04:25,667 --> 00:04:27,026 Oh yeah I'm the one who used to send the NSA, 107 00:04:27,027 --> 00:04:28,227 all the weekly cyber memos. 108 00:04:28,294 --> 00:04:29,643 No way, I thought that was spam. 109 00:04:29,667 --> 00:04:31,232 No, it was me. 110 00:04:31,307 --> 00:04:33,043 Right, what was your name again? 111 00:04:33,067 --> 00:04:34,377 Joseph Harries. 112 00:04:34,401 --> 00:04:35,841 Right, John, do you mind me asking, 113 00:04:35,842 --> 00:04:37,443 do you have dwarfism in your family? 114 00:04:37,467 --> 00:04:39,272 I don't think, no. 115 00:04:39,347 --> 00:04:41,152 - Okay, well you should check. - Okay. 116 00:04:41,227 --> 00:04:43,232 - Can you give me a hand? - Yes, absolutely. 117 00:04:43,307 --> 00:04:45,386 Right, here we go, we're just up on the third floor. 118 00:04:45,387 --> 00:04:47,203 Oh, oh no, don't use the wheels. 119 00:04:47,227 --> 00:04:49,312 It's quite an expensive case. Can you carry it in? 120 00:04:49,387 --> 00:04:50,872 I won't be long. 121 00:04:50,947 --> 00:04:51,947 Yeah, okay. 122 00:04:55,307 --> 00:04:56,307 Oh my God. 123 00:05:06,667 --> 00:05:07,912 Hello? 124 00:05:07,987 --> 00:05:08,987 Hi, mom! 125 00:05:13,987 --> 00:05:14,987 Evelyn. 126 00:05:19,307 --> 00:05:20,672 Evelyn! 127 00:05:22,747 --> 00:05:23,832 Hello? 128 00:05:23,907 --> 00:05:24,992 Yeah did you want me? 129 00:05:25,067 --> 00:05:26,559 Yes, can you come up please? 130 00:05:26,634 --> 00:05:27,634 Oh my God. 131 00:05:36,107 --> 00:05:38,432 - What? - Could you not hear me shouting? 132 00:05:38,507 --> 00:05:41,032 - I was on the phone. - Yes, to me! 133 00:05:41,107 --> 00:05:43,067 Get me a full background check on Jerry Bernstein, 134 00:05:43,068 --> 00:05:44,079 I need to see his file. 135 00:05:44,154 --> 00:05:46,032 It's classified. 136 00:05:46,107 --> 00:05:49,992 If only there were an institution that cracked codes 137 00:05:50,067 --> 00:05:51,987 to access classified information. 138 00:05:53,467 --> 00:05:54,799 So where's that? 139 00:05:59,707 --> 00:06:00,997 Okay, shall we go through? 140 00:06:01,021 --> 00:06:02,701 Oh hey Jerry, sorry, they've just told us 141 00:06:02,725 --> 00:06:03,965 - to wait here for a sec. - Why? 142 00:06:03,967 --> 00:06:05,630 It's just a security thing, won't be long. 143 00:06:05,654 --> 00:06:07,392 What, because you're... 144 00:06:07,467 --> 00:06:09,267 Oh no, it's not that, it's just they need to 145 00:06:09,268 --> 00:06:10,303 check inside the case. 146 00:06:10,327 --> 00:06:11,872 Because they think it's yours? 147 00:06:11,947 --> 00:06:14,297 No, no, standard procedure, this happens all the time. 148 00:06:14,321 --> 00:06:16,359 Right, because you're... 149 00:06:19,707 --> 00:06:21,483 Evelyn's here and that's where I sit, 150 00:06:21,507 --> 00:06:22,712 and I'm just over there. 151 00:06:22,787 --> 00:06:25,192 And Jerry, this is Chris Cranfield, 152 00:06:25,267 --> 00:06:27,232 Director of cybersecurity at GCHQ. 153 00:06:27,307 --> 00:06:29,032 - Ah! - No way. 154 00:06:29,107 --> 00:06:30,352 I was expecting a guy. 155 00:06:30,427 --> 00:06:32,337 Jerry Bernstein, NSA. 156 00:06:32,361 --> 00:06:34,210 Do you prefer Chris or Christopher? 157 00:06:34,234 --> 00:06:35,434 It's Christine actually. 158 00:06:35,507 --> 00:06:37,937 Right. These are for you and the team. 159 00:06:37,961 --> 00:06:39,232 Oh lovely. 160 00:06:39,307 --> 00:06:41,250 So, what have we got going down? 161 00:06:41,274 --> 00:06:44,352 You wanna give me like a two word summary of where we're at? 162 00:06:44,427 --> 00:06:45,512 No. 163 00:06:45,587 --> 00:06:47,666 Why don't you just settle in, we can catch up later. 164 00:06:47,667 --> 00:06:49,307 Joseph, will you show Jerry to his office? 165 00:06:49,331 --> 00:06:51,105 Yeah sure. Hold the phone. 166 00:06:53,067 --> 00:06:55,192 So what OS are we using here? 167 00:06:55,267 --> 00:06:57,319 Is this Lysander 4.4? 168 00:07:00,387 --> 00:07:01,617 4.5. 169 00:07:01,641 --> 00:07:03,032 Nice. 170 00:07:03,107 --> 00:07:04,599 This is Tuva Olson. 171 00:07:04,674 --> 00:07:06,994 Used to be one of Europe's most notorious hackers. 172 00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:08,232 Still am. 173 00:07:08,307 --> 00:07:10,232 That was a joke. 174 00:07:10,307 --> 00:07:11,712 Man I love humor. 175 00:07:11,787 --> 00:07:14,512 - Jerry Bernstein, NSA. - Bernstein? 176 00:07:14,587 --> 00:07:15,587 Is that Jewish? 177 00:07:15,594 --> 00:07:16,714 Wouldn't you like to know. 178 00:07:16,715 --> 00:07:18,186 Flirt. 179 00:07:18,221 --> 00:07:19,821 Mary, come over and say hello to Jerry. 180 00:07:19,822 --> 00:07:20,822 Quickly. 181 00:07:21,514 --> 00:07:23,472 God, what happened? 182 00:07:23,547 --> 00:07:24,599 Nothing. 183 00:07:24,674 --> 00:07:26,079 What do you mean? 184 00:07:26,154 --> 00:07:28,952 This is Mary Needham, one of GCHQ's finest. 185 00:07:29,027 --> 00:07:30,072 Finest what? 186 00:07:30,147 --> 00:07:31,499 Cryptanalysts. 187 00:07:31,574 --> 00:07:33,334 Mary was one of the first female professors 188 00:07:33,347 --> 00:07:35,163 to be nominated for a Nobel Prize. 189 00:07:35,187 --> 00:07:37,659 Wow. Did you win? 190 00:07:37,734 --> 00:07:41,839 No, and I earned up getting cystitis on the day, sadly. 191 00:07:42,921 --> 00:07:44,161 I think it was all the stress. 192 00:07:45,041 --> 00:07:46,399 Great story. 193 00:07:46,474 --> 00:07:48,283 Can we get the air-con turned on? 194 00:07:48,307 --> 00:07:50,599 It feels about 74 degrees and I find my team 195 00:07:50,674 --> 00:07:51,759 works best at 71. 196 00:07:51,826 --> 00:07:53,426 - Yeah I can do that... - No! 197 00:07:53,427 --> 00:07:54,497 Sit down please, Joseph. 198 00:07:54,521 --> 00:07:56,301 Yeah I need you to take notes. Please stay. 199 00:07:56,307 --> 00:07:58,512 All right everyone, listen up. 200 00:07:58,587 --> 00:08:02,032 I am now your best possible resource. 201 00:08:02,107 --> 00:08:05,319 I'm here for you, so I want you to use me, 202 00:08:05,394 --> 00:08:07,879 exploit me, punish me. 203 00:08:09,347 --> 00:08:10,963 I wanna feel as if I've been uploaded 204 00:08:10,987 --> 00:08:12,577 into each and every one of you. 205 00:08:12,601 --> 00:08:14,297 Even you guys. 206 00:08:14,321 --> 00:08:15,323 What are you doing? 207 00:08:15,347 --> 00:08:16,592 I'm just welcoming everyone. 208 00:08:16,667 --> 00:08:18,079 Can we get them to stop? 209 00:08:18,154 --> 00:08:19,984 No, we're in the middle of something, 210 00:08:20,008 --> 00:08:22,937 Bank of England, no American liaison required, sadly. 211 00:08:22,961 --> 00:08:25,337 Okay, listen, I just wanna say, 212 00:08:25,361 --> 00:08:27,512 I'm really excited about this. 213 00:08:27,587 --> 00:08:29,912 I think we can learn a lot from each other. 214 00:08:29,987 --> 00:08:31,027 Especially from me. 215 00:08:32,507 --> 00:08:34,457 It'll be a pleasure collaborating 216 00:08:34,481 --> 00:08:36,601 with one of our oldest and closest allies. 217 00:08:36,674 --> 00:08:38,599 Welcome to the GCHQ. 218 00:08:40,107 --> 00:08:41,107 Thank you. 219 00:08:42,401 --> 00:08:44,032 Back to work everyone. 220 00:09:05,081 --> 00:09:07,119 Good morning. 221 00:09:12,041 --> 00:09:13,992 Hey, do you like the plants? 222 00:09:14,067 --> 00:09:16,043 You know they'll die in three days. 223 00:09:16,067 --> 00:09:17,747 Oh no it's fine, I sprayed them with glue 224 00:09:17,748 --> 00:09:19,399 so they're kind of mummified. 225 00:09:19,474 --> 00:09:21,712 By the way, where are HR based? 226 00:09:21,787 --> 00:09:24,079 I really need to get hold of my pass. 227 00:09:24,154 --> 00:09:26,554 Fourth floor, but most of them are on school holidays. 228 00:09:26,587 --> 00:09:28,032 They're still at school? 229 00:09:31,567 --> 00:09:32,567 Two secs. 230 00:09:32,634 --> 00:09:33,832 Hey Jerry, you all right? 231 00:09:33,907 --> 00:09:35,426 Yeah, do you know what this stain is? 232 00:09:35,427 --> 00:09:36,867 I can't hear you through the glass. 233 00:09:36,891 --> 00:09:38,491 Do you know what this stain is? 234 00:09:38,492 --> 00:09:40,428 I can't hear you 'cause of the glass. 235 00:09:42,307 --> 00:09:43,312 Yeah. 236 00:09:43,387 --> 00:09:44,952 Sorry, sorry Jerry. 237 00:09:45,010 --> 00:09:46,450 I couldn't hear 'cause of the glass. 238 00:09:46,451 --> 00:09:47,837 That's fine. What is this stain? 239 00:09:47,861 --> 00:09:49,986 Um, oh gosh, well this used to be Elaine's old office. 240 00:09:49,987 --> 00:09:51,112 It could be anything really. 241 00:09:51,187 --> 00:09:52,352 What, she die in here? 242 00:09:52,427 --> 00:09:55,097 No, she's on maternity leave, so could just be that. 243 00:09:55,121 --> 00:09:56,121 Oh God. 244 00:09:56,154 --> 00:09:57,370 You know what, let's just... 245 00:09:57,394 --> 00:09:58,639 Yeah let's do that. 246 00:09:58,714 --> 00:10:01,232 Hey, can you hook me up with my pass? 247 00:10:01,307 --> 00:10:02,672 I really need the men's room. 248 00:10:02,747 --> 00:10:04,723 Well that's HR but it takes up to about a week 249 00:10:04,747 --> 00:10:06,012 for them to respond, so. 250 00:10:06,087 --> 00:10:07,224 No, I gotta go before then. 251 00:10:07,248 --> 00:10:08,728 Oh it's fine, I can buzz you through. 252 00:10:08,729 --> 00:10:10,269 - Now? - Yeah, go go. 253 00:10:11,227 --> 00:10:13,232 Nice opportunity to show you around. 254 00:10:13,307 --> 00:10:15,187 Are you staying somewhere locally in Cheltenham? 255 00:10:15,188 --> 00:10:16,592 Yeah the Citrus Hotel. 256 00:10:16,667 --> 00:10:18,723 Oh lovely, I went to a couple of wakes there. 257 00:10:18,747 --> 00:10:20,425 The food is stunning. 258 00:10:20,501 --> 00:10:23,537 Very quickly, so this is one of our designated quiet rooms, 259 00:10:23,561 --> 00:10:25,441 just because some of the stuff we see on the web 260 00:10:25,442 --> 00:10:26,512 can be quite full on. 261 00:10:26,587 --> 00:10:27,712 And can I pee in here? 262 00:10:27,787 --> 00:10:29,632 Um, no, not really, no. 263 00:10:29,707 --> 00:10:31,039 I sometimes do. 264 00:10:36,467 --> 00:10:38,610 You forget how big this place is don't you? 265 00:10:38,634 --> 00:10:41,012 Sorry, they must have changed the door code. 266 00:10:41,087 --> 00:10:42,087 This way. 267 00:10:42,141 --> 00:10:43,232 What's this thing? 268 00:10:43,307 --> 00:10:44,587 Okay not far Jerry, here we go. 269 00:10:44,588 --> 00:10:45,588 So... 270 00:10:47,227 --> 00:10:48,952 Do it again, swipe again. 271 00:10:49,027 --> 00:10:50,072 Swipe it again! 272 00:10:50,147 --> 00:10:51,359 Okay okay okay. 273 00:10:52,507 --> 00:10:53,952 Oh crikey, it's fine, it's fine. 274 00:10:54,027 --> 00:10:56,497 Let me just type this in onto here. 275 00:10:56,521 --> 00:10:58,392 Jerry, can you just, sorry, 276 00:10:58,467 --> 00:11:00,210 can you just read me from the fourth... 277 00:11:00,234 --> 00:11:01,359 From the what? 278 00:11:01,434 --> 00:11:03,279 - From the fourth? - The four. 279 00:11:03,333 --> 00:11:05,072 There's no four. You mean the one? 280 00:11:05,147 --> 00:11:06,672 The four, oh the one. 281 00:11:06,747 --> 00:11:09,372 The one is one, nine, two, seven. 282 00:11:09,447 --> 00:11:10,837 Okay, that should be it. 283 00:11:10,861 --> 00:11:11,919 There you go. 284 00:11:14,207 --> 00:11:16,377 I'm so sorry. Come on. 285 00:11:16,401 --> 00:11:18,083 We have a something just in case, 286 00:11:18,107 --> 00:11:19,252 it doesn't always work. 287 00:11:19,327 --> 00:11:20,903 Why didn't you do that to begin with? 288 00:11:20,927 --> 00:11:22,167 Because I've been eating crisps 289 00:11:22,242 --> 00:11:23,332 and it doesn't always work. 290 00:11:23,356 --> 00:11:25,337 Back up, back up. 291 00:11:25,361 --> 00:11:26,439 Give me your thumb. 292 00:11:28,347 --> 00:11:30,003 What's wrong, you have very small... 293 00:11:30,027 --> 00:11:31,599 Ow. Okay there you go. 294 00:11:31,674 --> 00:11:32,832 - Okay. - Okay fine. 295 00:11:32,907 --> 00:11:34,352 Oh for crying out loud. 296 00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:36,673 Let me just do the, I'll do the retina thing, it's fine. 297 00:11:36,674 --> 00:11:38,403 Come on man, you're killing me. 298 00:11:38,427 --> 00:11:39,952 Why is that doing like that? 299 00:11:40,027 --> 00:11:41,332 Hang on, hang on. 300 00:11:41,407 --> 00:11:43,097 So I've got a lazy eye so sometimes if I... 301 00:11:43,121 --> 00:11:44,959 Can you lift... 302 00:11:45,034 --> 00:11:46,034 Thank you. 303 00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:49,666 Go, go! 304 00:11:49,667 --> 00:11:51,439 This way, go go go go. 305 00:12:12,227 --> 00:12:13,559 Yeah, USA. 306 00:12:19,107 --> 00:12:21,003 'Cause his eyes are quite close together 307 00:12:21,027 --> 00:12:22,723 and I know he has a cousin who was involved 308 00:12:22,747 --> 00:12:23,872 with some kind of atrocity. 309 00:12:23,947 --> 00:12:24,979 What's? 310 00:12:25,054 --> 00:12:26,654 Oh sorry Chris, I am gonna delete that. 311 00:12:26,655 --> 00:12:29,400 I don't care. I just want hard copies of the Bank of England report. 312 00:12:29,401 --> 00:12:31,241 Yeah it's just the printer's still not working, 313 00:12:31,242 --> 00:12:32,632 - so I can't... - Jerry's file. 314 00:12:32,707 --> 00:12:33,712 Shh. 315 00:12:33,787 --> 00:12:35,417 What's this? 316 00:12:35,441 --> 00:12:37,561 Well I couldn't get access to view his internal file 317 00:12:37,562 --> 00:12:39,560 so I just like made a front cover. 318 00:12:41,147 --> 00:12:42,147 Here I am. 319 00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:44,080 Found my way back. 320 00:12:44,081 --> 00:12:45,672 Hey Jerry. 321 00:12:45,747 --> 00:12:48,003 Hey, Chris, I worked out what the problem is here. 322 00:12:48,027 --> 00:12:50,072 The problem is morale. 323 00:12:50,147 --> 00:12:51,632 Right, thank you. 324 00:12:51,707 --> 00:12:54,672 So firstly, you really need to put some music on. 325 00:12:54,747 --> 00:12:57,672 'Cause everyone in here currently looks so... 326 00:12:57,747 --> 00:12:59,632 Do you have Alexa here? 327 00:12:59,707 --> 00:13:02,632 Alexa, play NSA nasty mix two. 328 00:13:02,707 --> 00:13:04,352 Alexa? 329 00:13:04,427 --> 00:13:06,192 Alexa? 330 00:13:06,267 --> 00:13:09,612 Secondly, we need to fundraise and build us a gym. 331 00:13:09,687 --> 00:13:10,712 Yes! 332 00:13:10,787 --> 00:13:12,112 Get the endorphins pumping. 333 00:13:12,187 --> 00:13:14,319 Thirdly, is there any way we can make it 334 00:13:14,394 --> 00:13:15,919 so I can see the sun? 335 00:13:15,994 --> 00:13:18,352 Okay, let me stop you just there. 336 00:13:18,427 --> 00:13:22,192 Firstly, I am not your PA, 337 00:13:22,267 --> 00:13:26,072 I am GCHQ's director of cybersecurity. 338 00:13:26,147 --> 00:13:29,352 Grand papa built the bouncing bomb. 339 00:13:29,427 --> 00:13:32,232 Mother posed as a triple agent during the Cold War, 340 00:13:32,307 --> 00:13:35,112 while father came up with an idea called the Internet. 341 00:13:35,187 --> 00:13:36,672 So forgive me if I'm not into 342 00:13:36,747 --> 00:13:39,712 office plants and natural light. 343 00:13:39,787 --> 00:13:42,672 Secondly, this isn't the NSA. 344 00:13:42,747 --> 00:13:46,072 You are here strictly to liaise. 345 00:13:46,147 --> 00:13:48,217 We don't workout, we don't listen to playlists, 346 00:13:48,241 --> 00:13:51,752 we fight cyber crime, terrorism and sex trafficking. 347 00:13:51,827 --> 00:13:56,472 Thirdly, this is my department, these are my staff, 348 00:13:56,547 --> 00:13:59,192 and whilst it's a pleasure collaborating with 349 00:13:59,267 --> 00:14:01,472 one of our oldest and closest allies, 350 00:14:01,547 --> 00:14:04,032 I will not have my authority undermined 351 00:14:04,107 --> 00:14:06,952 simply because some privileged fool from Whitehall 352 00:14:07,027 --> 00:14:10,879 thinks that the US can fight cyber crime better than we can. 353 00:14:13,147 --> 00:14:14,279 Do you mind if I get on? 354 00:14:15,994 --> 00:14:18,512 Sorry, it looks like you've stopped talking. 355 00:14:18,587 --> 00:14:21,272 My ears are still fucked from the flight, 356 00:14:21,347 --> 00:14:22,387 was that important? 357 00:14:31,267 --> 00:14:32,867 Are you really gonna take that from her? 358 00:14:32,868 --> 00:14:34,599 Huh? Huh? 359 00:14:34,674 --> 00:14:35,674 You little bitch. 360 00:14:36,474 --> 00:14:37,474 Evelyn. 361 00:14:42,147 --> 00:14:45,137 I'm delivering our findings on the Bank of England. 362 00:14:45,161 --> 00:14:48,032 Have the car meet me out front. 363 00:14:48,107 --> 00:14:50,370 Okay don't forget you've got a Bank of England meeting. 364 00:14:50,394 --> 00:14:51,879 Do you want me to arrange a car? 365 00:14:54,547 --> 00:14:56,117 Come on buddy, you got this. 366 00:14:57,181 --> 00:14:58,625 Yeah? 367 00:14:58,701 --> 00:15:00,741 Jerry, I'm so sorry about what Chris said earlier, 368 00:15:00,742 --> 00:15:02,587 you must be feeling awful. 369 00:15:02,627 --> 00:15:05,432 Do you know how long I've been at the NSA? 370 00:15:05,507 --> 00:15:07,079 I'd say 50 years? 371 00:15:08,467 --> 00:15:10,312 25 years. Sit down. 372 00:15:10,387 --> 00:15:11,387 Oh, sure. 373 00:15:14,394 --> 00:15:16,719 Do you know the level of experience you get 374 00:15:16,794 --> 00:15:19,692 - from working at the NSA 25 years? - Nope. 375 00:15:19,767 --> 00:15:21,712 I basically know everything. 376 00:15:21,787 --> 00:15:23,159 Okay? 377 00:15:23,234 --> 00:15:25,359 I've overseen terrorist plots, cyber attacks, 378 00:15:25,434 --> 00:15:28,177 - assassination attempts. - Against you? 379 00:15:28,201 --> 00:15:29,363 Just remain quiet a sec. 380 00:15:29,387 --> 00:15:30,632 Yeah. 381 00:15:30,707 --> 00:15:34,192 I predicted 9/11, Afghanistan, 7/7. 382 00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:35,405 And when you say predicted. 383 00:15:35,481 --> 00:15:37,826 You mean could I have stopped those things from happening? 384 00:15:37,827 --> 00:15:39,152 - Yeah. - I think so. 385 00:15:39,227 --> 00:15:41,272 - Wow. - But was anyone willing to listen? 386 00:15:41,347 --> 00:15:42,692 No. 387 00:15:42,727 --> 00:15:44,087 It's always the same old bullshit. 388 00:15:44,088 --> 00:15:46,032 Slow down Jerry, analyze. 389 00:15:46,107 --> 00:15:47,432 There's no evidence. 390 00:15:47,507 --> 00:15:49,152 Yes. 391 00:15:49,227 --> 00:15:51,387 Whatever happened to good old fashioned American hunch? 392 00:15:51,388 --> 00:15:53,243 See this is exactly what we're missing here. 393 00:15:53,267 --> 00:15:55,083 So did you have a hunch about 9/11? 394 00:15:55,107 --> 00:15:57,992 Yeah, just this huge fucking hunch. 395 00:15:58,067 --> 00:16:01,337 And then another big hunch moments later. 396 00:16:01,361 --> 00:16:03,599 Oh, so you've seen a lot of action then. 397 00:16:05,187 --> 00:16:06,210 Have I seen action? 398 00:16:06,234 --> 00:16:07,403 You know what, look at this. 399 00:16:07,427 --> 00:16:08,632 Oh you're gonna love this. 400 00:16:08,707 --> 00:16:09,723 Come here, come here. 401 00:16:09,747 --> 00:16:11,439 - Yeah? - Yeah. 402 00:16:11,514 --> 00:16:12,959 - Look at that. - Oh my God. 403 00:16:13,034 --> 00:16:14,072 Touch it. 404 00:16:14,147 --> 00:16:15,672 - Oh no I don't... - Touch it! 405 00:16:15,747 --> 00:16:17,072 Touch it. 406 00:16:17,147 --> 00:16:20,272 44 caliber, went clean through. 407 00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:21,977 Wow. 408 00:16:22,001 --> 00:16:24,319 It looks exactly like the lipoma scar that I got 409 00:16:24,377 --> 00:16:25,937 from when I had a little thing removed. 410 00:16:25,938 --> 00:16:27,538 Like the same shape and everything that. 411 00:16:27,539 --> 00:16:28,953 Well it's not. 412 00:16:29,027 --> 00:16:31,107 That's the same shape actually 'cause they do it... 413 00:16:31,108 --> 00:16:32,272 No it's no, it's not. 414 00:16:32,347 --> 00:16:33,712 It's a bullet thing. 415 00:16:33,787 --> 00:16:35,721 - Is there an exit wound? - No. 416 00:16:35,747 --> 00:16:37,432 - Can I... - No. 417 00:16:37,507 --> 00:16:38,592 That part healed fine. 418 00:16:38,667 --> 00:16:40,039 You can't even tell. 419 00:16:40,114 --> 00:16:41,434 So what are you doing here then? 420 00:16:41,458 --> 00:16:43,552 - Is it like a sabbatical position? - Yeah kind of. 421 00:16:43,587 --> 00:16:45,472 Man, you guys. 422 00:16:45,547 --> 00:16:48,472 You have no idea how lucky you are to have me. 423 00:16:48,547 --> 00:16:49,712 Oh, tell me about it. 424 00:16:49,747 --> 00:16:51,307 I mean literally this is the best thing 425 00:16:51,308 --> 00:16:52,692 that ever happened to me. 426 00:16:52,767 --> 00:16:54,847 I mean I could've ended up in Paris, Milan, New York, 427 00:16:54,848 --> 00:16:56,312 - but I chose London. - Cheltenham. 428 00:16:56,387 --> 00:16:57,752 Cheltenham. 429 00:16:57,827 --> 00:16:59,410 But there's no point in me being here 430 00:16:59,434 --> 00:17:00,952 unless I can make a difference. 431 00:17:01,027 --> 00:17:02,472 I agree with that. 432 00:17:02,546 --> 00:17:04,706 I mean sure, I could liaise the ass out of this place 433 00:17:04,707 --> 00:17:07,377 if I want to, but I wanna raise morale. 434 00:17:07,401 --> 00:17:11,192 I wanna raise morale so high people can barely move. 435 00:17:11,267 --> 00:17:12,347 You know what I mean? 436 00:17:13,347 --> 00:17:14,659 I think, yes. 437 00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:16,617 I want people having to go home from work 438 00:17:16,641 --> 00:17:18,112 because morale is so high. 439 00:17:18,180 --> 00:17:19,500 Well everyone's gonna love that. 440 00:17:19,501 --> 00:17:21,541 But I'm gonna need your help, buddy. 441 00:17:22,147 --> 00:17:24,323 Honestly, whatever you need Jerry, just name it. 442 00:17:24,347 --> 00:17:26,072 Treat me like your PA. 443 00:17:26,147 --> 00:17:27,347 I thought you were my PA. 444 00:17:30,667 --> 00:17:31,827 All right now gather up guys. 445 00:17:31,828 --> 00:17:32,903 Come on come on come on. 446 00:17:32,927 --> 00:17:34,039 Circle up, circle up. 447 00:17:34,114 --> 00:17:35,392 You know what, you too. 448 00:17:35,467 --> 00:17:37,363 You're part of the team, drop that shit. 449 00:17:37,387 --> 00:17:39,632 In fact everyone, everyone, stand, 450 00:17:39,707 --> 00:17:41,690 come gather round, this is important. 451 00:17:41,714 --> 00:17:43,017 That's it. 452 00:17:43,041 --> 00:17:44,319 Hustle, hustle. 453 00:17:44,394 --> 00:17:45,772 - Back up. - Sorry. 454 00:17:45,847 --> 00:17:48,039 Good. Oh, look at that, we did a circle. 455 00:17:48,114 --> 00:17:49,839 Terrific. Okay. 456 00:17:49,914 --> 00:17:51,683 One of the first things that struck me 457 00:17:51,707 --> 00:17:56,152 when I arrived here was just how uninspired everyone looks. 458 00:17:56,227 --> 00:18:00,279 Don't get me wrong, individually you all look... 459 00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:02,080 amazing. 460 00:18:02,787 --> 00:18:05,297 But there's still this sense that I've wandered 461 00:18:05,321 --> 00:18:08,032 onto an abandoned farm. 462 00:18:08,107 --> 00:18:09,319 Does that resonate? 463 00:18:11,514 --> 00:18:15,232 So what I'd like to propose as a starting point 464 00:18:15,307 --> 00:18:16,943 are some team building exercises. 465 00:18:16,967 --> 00:18:17,999 - I'd love to. - Yeah. 466 00:18:18,074 --> 00:18:19,577 Yeah? Yeah? 467 00:18:19,601 --> 00:18:21,272 - Yes. - Can I get a yes Jerry? 468 00:18:21,347 --> 00:18:22,387 Yes Jerry. 469 00:18:24,587 --> 00:18:26,232 All right, we'll work on that. 470 00:18:26,307 --> 00:18:27,337 Hands out of the pockets. 471 00:18:27,361 --> 00:18:29,112 Let's get ready. Ready? 472 00:18:29,187 --> 00:18:30,432 Yes. 473 00:18:30,507 --> 00:18:32,507 Jerry says raise your right arm. 474 00:18:33,106 --> 00:18:34,106 Put it down. 475 00:18:34,107 --> 00:18:35,312 You're all out. 476 00:18:35,387 --> 00:18:37,083 You're all out. 477 00:18:37,107 --> 00:18:39,227 Okay, everyone take one step to their right. 478 00:18:40,347 --> 00:18:41,632 Good. 479 00:18:41,707 --> 00:18:43,747 Jerry says take one step to your left. 480 00:18:44,394 --> 00:18:46,723 - Yeah I fucked you there didn't I? - Yes. 481 00:18:46,747 --> 00:18:48,177 Yeah it's called listening. 482 00:18:48,201 --> 00:18:50,281 When I clap my hands everyone fall, fall! 483 00:18:52,146 --> 00:18:53,146 That's a start. 484 00:18:53,147 --> 00:18:54,592 Okay everyone up, everyone up. 485 00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:55,667 Anyone hurt? 486 00:18:56,546 --> 00:18:57,546 That's okay. 487 00:18:57,547 --> 00:18:59,152 It's about trust. 488 00:18:59,227 --> 00:19:01,363 At the count of three I want everyone to undress. 489 00:19:01,387 --> 00:19:02,432 Undress! 490 00:19:02,507 --> 00:19:03,672 I'm kidding, stop that. 491 00:19:03,747 --> 00:19:05,159 Have more respect for yourself. 492 00:19:12,627 --> 00:19:14,352 So continue what you're doing, 493 00:19:14,427 --> 00:19:17,072 exploring each other's faces and bodies, 494 00:19:17,147 --> 00:19:19,712 and what I wanna do now is just go around 495 00:19:19,787 --> 00:19:21,832 and talk about when you last had sex. 496 00:19:21,907 --> 00:19:24,137 It's just a nice way to get to know each other 497 00:19:24,161 --> 00:19:25,472 and to open up. 498 00:19:25,547 --> 00:19:27,403 Plus, it's what we do at the NSA every day. 499 00:19:27,427 --> 00:19:29,185 - Have sex? - Sometimes. 500 00:19:29,261 --> 00:19:30,712 What about you buddy? 501 00:19:30,787 --> 00:19:32,667 Oh gosh, well it depends what you mean really. 502 00:19:32,681 --> 00:19:34,112 You've never heard of sex? 503 00:19:34,186 --> 00:19:35,466 Oh no I've heard of sex, sure, 504 00:19:35,467 --> 00:19:37,032 I just, you know. 505 00:19:37,107 --> 00:19:38,712 Sorry, where are you? 506 00:19:38,787 --> 00:19:40,227 Mary, do you want to start? 507 00:19:40,228 --> 00:19:41,353 Oh gosh, ooh. 508 00:19:41,387 --> 00:19:42,832 It's been a while, sorry. 509 00:19:42,907 --> 00:19:45,152 No I could tell, I can smell your pheromones. 510 00:19:45,227 --> 00:19:46,227 Thank you. 511 00:19:46,234 --> 00:19:48,112 I bet you're filthy though. 512 00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:49,337 No. 513 00:19:49,361 --> 00:19:51,083 I love how you deny it, that's hot. 514 00:19:51,107 --> 00:19:52,159 Tuva. 515 00:19:52,234 --> 00:19:53,250 10:15 this morning. 516 00:19:53,274 --> 00:19:55,232 Weren't you in at eight? 517 00:19:55,307 --> 00:19:57,392 - Yeah. - What the hell's going on? 518 00:19:57,467 --> 00:19:59,112 Chris, great, jump in. 519 00:19:59,187 --> 00:20:00,803 We're just doing some team building here. 520 00:20:00,827 --> 00:20:02,643 No, get back to work everybody. 521 00:20:02,667 --> 00:20:04,072 This is ridiculous. 522 00:20:04,147 --> 00:20:06,512 No honestly, Chrissy, I wouldn't be doing this 523 00:20:06,587 --> 00:20:08,657 unless I thought it was absolutely essential. 524 00:20:08,681 --> 00:20:10,563 Plus, look how much fun everyone's having. 525 00:20:10,587 --> 00:20:12,072 We're not here to have fun. 526 00:20:12,147 --> 00:20:13,632 This is GCHQ. 527 00:20:13,707 --> 00:20:15,672 Do you think Alan Turing had fun? 528 00:20:15,747 --> 00:20:17,439 Okay, back to work everybody. 529 00:20:17,514 --> 00:20:19,152 No, not yet. 530 00:20:19,227 --> 00:20:22,112 Listen, I get it, you didn't choose to have some 531 00:20:22,187 --> 00:20:25,552 dashing American fuck fox in your prissy British hen house. 532 00:20:25,627 --> 00:20:29,632 I didn't want that either, but I'm sure we can make it work. 533 00:20:29,707 --> 00:20:33,017 Come on, at least have a jellybean. 534 00:20:33,041 --> 00:20:34,519 Absolutely not. 535 00:20:34,594 --> 00:20:37,072 Aren't we meant to be collaborating? 536 00:20:37,147 --> 00:20:38,947 - Huh team? - Yes Jerry! 537 00:20:40,507 --> 00:20:42,867 Do you really want your staff to see you like this? 538 00:20:44,161 --> 00:20:47,032 Jelly bean, jelly bean, jelly bean, 539 00:20:47,107 --> 00:20:50,032 jelly bean, jelly bean, jelly bean, 540 00:20:50,107 --> 00:20:53,079 jelly bean, jelly bean, jelly bean, jelly bean, 541 00:20:53,154 --> 00:20:55,632 jelly bean, jelly bean, jelly bean, jelly bean, 542 00:20:55,707 --> 00:20:57,559 - jelly bean... - All right! 543 00:21:22,753 --> 00:21:23,753 Yes! 544 00:21:25,427 --> 00:21:26,639 And Jerry says fall. 545 00:21:30,234 --> 00:21:32,323 Jerry's got the printer working again! 546 00:21:36,187 --> 00:21:38,319 See, this is why they sent me here. 547 00:21:49,794 --> 00:21:50,794 Good night. 548 00:21:50,827 --> 00:21:51,827 Night. 549 00:21:58,147 --> 00:21:59,712 * Hurray hurray hurray * 550 00:21:59,787 --> 00:22:01,712 * Misery's on the way * 551 00:22:01,787 --> 00:22:05,552 * There are bad times just around the corner * 552 00:22:05,627 --> 00:22:09,432 * There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky * 553 00:22:09,507 --> 00:22:11,592 * It's as clear as crystal * 554 00:22:11,667 --> 00:22:13,697 * From Bridlington to Bristol * 555 00:22:13,721 --> 00:22:17,312 * That we can't save democracy and we don't much care * 556 00:22:17,387 --> 00:22:21,272 * We better all learn the lyrics of the old Red Flag * 557 00:22:21,347 --> 00:22:25,079 * But wait till we drop down dead * 558 00:22:25,180 --> 00:22:30,180 Sync & corrections by Costa Dax www.addic7ed.com 39030

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