All language subtitles for Dog.With.A.Blog.S03E21_English

So you ever have an old dog bed,

and you weren't sure what to do with it?

Well, here's a fun project.

You didn't fly in
your dog bed for real, did you?

How else would I have
gotten this jar of cloud?

I'm usually very good
at identifying types of clouds,

but this doesn't look like a bunny rabbit,

a marshmallow, or a snowman.

You have a very rare
specimen here, my friend.

But Stan, you can't
do crazy stuff like this

now that you're a father.

You're gonna set
a bad example for your puppies.

Come on, Tyler. My puppies aren't gonna
just blindly copy what I do.

Whee!

No dog bed, no cloud-catching jar,
totally different.

I can see our house from here.

( theme music playing )

Oh, Princess, I'm gonna miss you so much.

Ever since we were married,

we frolicked together every single day.

I can tug on a rope
with Tyler, Avery and Chloe

while you're gone,
but they don't growl the way you do.

Well, Avery comes close.

( growls )

( whispers ) She doesn't come close,

but I didn't wanna hurt her feelings.

Is Princess going somewhere?

Yeah. Heather's going away for a month
to some fancy school that allows pets.

They have all kinds
of salon treatments for dogs.

Princess wants a Brazilian blowout,

because curly hair is impossible, girl.

That's what Princess says with her eyes.

I'm gonna miss her so much.

( doorbell rings )

Is Princess ready to go?

I'm already tired of looking at you.

If I were your career counselor,

I'd advise you to become
a hermit, social pariah,

or village monster.

Like I'd live in a village.

Come, Princess.

I can't believe she's gone.

I don't even know who I am without her.

-Stan...
-No.

Stan is the name of a happy-go-lucky fella
with love in his heart.

My name is Mr. Pembleton,

a bitter accountant
whose wife went out for mustard

and never came back.

I know that you're sad,
but maybe this will cheer you up.

( growls )

( spits )

This is the one that we found
at the dog park.

What was I thinking?

And when I snap my fingers,

you will awake from your hypnotic state

and no longer find puns funny.

Wow, that was a restful snap.

-( chortles )
-Dang it.

Good one, Ellen.

Or was it? Dang it.

I need a parent to help me
post a video online.

Chloe, it's not a compilation
of Daddy's epic fails, is it?

Because I think it was the person
who left the rake in the driveway

who really failed.

No, they're holding open auditions

for the last movie in
the Necropolis High series.

Necropolis High 7:
Heave Corpse Load.

They're doing it as two movies.

It is too much for one movie.

The production company is accepting
auditions on their private site.

Can I do it? Please?

Wow. Chloe, you've never
expressed an interest in acting before.

Please. All my friends are auditioning.

Bennett, all her friends are doing it.
We have to let her do it.

Acting is in our blood.

With my background directing
Shakespeare in the Park,

which was, and I quote,

"not nearly as bad
as one might have expected."

And after my community theater turn

as Blanche DuBois, I was described as,

and I quote,
"a last-minute replacement."

So I can do it?

No, Chloe. We can do it.

I'm gonna help you prepare.
What's the part?

Wretch, the vomiting underworld vagabond.

I'm gonna teach you
everything I know about acting.

and vomiting, I've done both on stage.

And I, Chloe, can spur you

to a performance
that is, and I quote again,

"loud enough to hear."

Really, Bennett?

Do you really think you're the best one--

-Sleep.
-( snoring )

Chloe, I can help you.

Can you teach me that trick?

Your daddy's a pretty good hypnotist.

And your mommy's a pretty good actress.

Stan, why are you wearing
sunglasses indoors?

Not to hide the shifty eyes

that might give away
what I've done, that's for sure.

I'm wearing them because
I've started a smooth jazz trio.

It's me, Robert, and the ghost
of legendary vibraphonist

Benny Jackson.

We're called Princess
Is In the Storage Space.

Wait, what? Princess
is in the storage space?

Ah! What an unlucky coincidence
that that was the name of our band.

You wanna explain this?

I couldn't stand to be without her,

so I smuggled her away from Heather

while she was packing her car.

Daddy got Mommy.

My chew toy tastes like Avery. Yuck!

Stan, this isn't right.
We have to call Heather.

Sorry, Heather.
Princess must've just wandered over here.

I don't believe that for a second.

You people are dog thieves.

If we were trying to steal Princess,

why would I have called you
to come and get her?

I said you were dog thieves.

I didn't say you were
highly-skilled dog thieves.

What have I been telling you, Stan?

You're a father.
You can't be so irresponsible.

Sneaking Princess back here
sets a bad example for your puppies.

I'm a bad example?

You're the one who's
always on the furniture.

I appreciate your concern.

But I know how to raise my puppies.

Still, I guess if it makes you happy,

I promise I won't take Princess again.

Stan.

I know I promised,
but I'm a jazz musician, man.

We go where the music takes us.

( scat singing )

I didn't even know I was gonna do that.

Caught you again.

I called you!

( doorbell rings )

Heather? What is going on?

This morning, at my school program,

they told me Princess
failed to show up

for her eyebrow threading.

Princess is missing.

I'm sure she must be here since you people
took her twice before.

Officer, arrest this girl for dog-napping.

I am not a dog-napper.

I'm not even a regular napper.

Once I wake up,
it's go, go, go until bedtime.

Officer, arrest this girl
for being annoying.

If I could arrest someone
for being annoying, I would.

I guarantee you, Princess is not here.

( scratching )

We got Mommy.

What? How'd you guys
get her all the way back here?

We texted you a picture.

We spit on cats from up there.

Gracie, Freddy, I can't believe

you guys took Princess
from Heather's school.

See, Stan. This is what happens
when you set a bad example.

They didn't do it because of me.

-We copied you, Daddy.
-Kids'll say anything.

They believe in sea monsters.

We believe in sea monsters if you
believe in sea monsters, Daddy.

You're not helping Daddy's cause, kids.

Look, we have to take her back.

Heather is probably
worried sick about Princess.

HEATHER: I'm worried sick about Princess.

See? And she should know.

Wait, what?

You can search this entire house.

If you find Princess,
officer, you can arrest me

and my entire family.

But you might wanna put me in solitary,

because I'm a danger
to the general population.

( giggling )

I'm kidding. I'd be very afraid in there.

Heather is already here,

and she brought a police officer
to search the place.

Quick, hide Princess
while I distract them.

Or you could hide Princess.

There's nothing more distracting
than a dog

with his jazz ensemble. Let's go, Robert.

No, Robert, it is not a paying gig.

But sometimes, you have to play for free
to build your fan base.

Stan, Princess. The police.

AVERY: How about we start
with the kitchen?

Come on, Princess.

( chase music playing )

( panting )

So you've searched this entire house,

and you didn't find anything.

You even looked in my closet
and criticized my clothes,

which I expected from Heather,
but not from you, officer.

Sorry. Her negativity's infectious.

I know you did something with Princess,

but I can't prove it,
but I won't rest until...

Oh, my gosh, you're so tiring to look at.

Let's go, officer.

Sorry about your toilet.

Man, that was so close.

We need to find a way to sneak Princess
back into Heather's school

without Heather finding out.

Otherwise, we could all end up in jail.

Stan, where were you this whole time
we were trying to hide Princess?

You didn't help us at all.

Yeah, I did. I played the chase music.

( humming chase music )

It's the first track off our new album.

We're experimenting.

I'm a little worried our fans won't
follow us in this new direction.

Yes, that's our problem right now.

Okay, Chloe, let's see how

your Necropolis High
audition is coming along.

Show us what you've got,

and we will mold it.

Be that little zombie Wretch.

Transport us.

( British accent ) Please, Mummy,

I'm tired of eating brains.

Can't I have cake and oranges and brains

like normal children?

( normal voice ) This is a brain.

Oh, it's a brain.

( British accent ) I want to go to school
with others like me.

I want to go from being a zom-B student

to a zom-A student.

( laughs ) I just got that.

I want to go to Necropolis High.

Oh.

Sweetie, as a parent,
that was absolutely wonderful.

Really, really good.

But as your director, I think we got
a lot of work ahead of us.

Really, really sketchy.

Okay, Chloe, you need to think
about who your character is.

-What does she want?
-Brains.

-What is her weakness?
-Brains.

-What is her Buddy Bop password?
-Brains.

Excellent. Now do the scene.

( British accent ) Please, Mummy,
I'm tired of eating brains.

Can't I have cake and oranges and brains

like normal children?

Brains!

Perfect. You see the difference?

Brains!

Chloe, acting is not
about what a character wants.

No one can see that.

It's about expressions.

Sad, angry, surprised.

Now do the scene.

( sadly ) Please, Mummy,
I'm tired of eating brains.

( angrily ) Can't I have cake
and oranges and brains

( surprised ) like normal children?

Honey, I think you're confusing Chloe.

Chloe? Who's Chloe?

All I see is a hideous little zombie girl.

All I see is a mother directing her child
away from an Oscar.

Away from it? I think toward an Oscar
is what you meant to say.

We need to go sneak Princess
into Heather's school. Wanna come?

I sure don't want to stay here.

I was once told I was
a less-attractive Joan Fontaine.

( arguing continues )

Okay, so we're gonna sneak
across the school grounds,

and put Princess back into Heather's room
without anyone seeing us.

We're all suited up and ready to go.

Except for one person
who misunderstood the plan.

I didn't misunderstand. I'm the diversion.

I'm gonna draw attention to myself
so you guys can sneak through.

Tyler, that is the most ridic... actually,
it kinda makes sense.

Why didn't you say
something in the car

when I was going on and on

about why you were wearing
a woopie cushion costume.

I tried, but every time you said "woopie,"

I giggled. ( giggles )

Woopie.

All right. We just have to drop
Princess off like she never left.

It's late enough.
The campus should be pretty much deserted.

Thank you all for coming.

It's a good thing the news
cares mostly about

personal things happening to rich people.

So is the coast clear?

In the words of Lou Costello...

( gasping )

I don't get that reference.

In the words of Lucy, ugh!

Nope.

The campus is full of people.

( as Jack Benny ) Well...

You know Jack Benny?

Who? I was just doing Dad.

Look, we have big problems.

The place is crawling
with media and police.

There's no way that we can sneak Princess
back into Heather's school.

( British accent )
All the Wretch has to do

is bite one person
and the zombie infection will spread.

What? I've got other things
going on this week.

All right, it's time for my diversion.

I'm gonna get the crowd to follow me
away from the school,

so you guys can go through the courtyard
and put Princess back in the dorm.

Woopie-ki-ay!

Who wants to sit on me? Come on. Whoo!

Really? Nothing?

America's forgotten how to laugh.

All right, the bad news is
the diversion didn't work,

Heather saw me, and she's coming this way.

-What's the good news?
-I never said there was good news.

All right, Stan, you take Princess
and the puppies, and get them out of here.

Heather's on her way over.

Come on, family.
Follow me into the woods.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Then go. We're not people.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm sorry. That came out wrong.

Ugh, what are you doing here?

Well, we were very distraught
that Princess is missing,

so we came down to help find her.

And why are you dressed like that?

Because...

Well, we formed a new hip-hop group

called Da Kommando Crew,

featuring MC Woopie Cushion.

I don't believe you.

I'm gonna have you arrested.

Oh, yeah? Well, check it.

One-two, one-two.

( beat boxing )

( rapping )
♪ Spelt Kommando with a K ♪

♪ Rules of grammar, go away ♪

♪ 'Cause we're hard like that ♪

♪ Woopie cushion helps my flow ♪

♪ Hit the deck, he's gonna blow ♪

( air escaping )

( farting sound )

That flow is tight.

I might now have you arrested
if you leave right now.

( sighs )

I'm feeling such a swirl of emotions.

Concerned about
the situation with Princess,

yet exhilarated about the success
of our impromptu rap group.

I've got an idea.

I hid Princess and the puppies
next to an old cavern.

We could pretend
Princess is trapped in there,

and then you guys could say
that you found her

and return her to Heather

without being blamed
for her disappearance.

-Great plan, Stan.
-I think this is gonna work.

-Yeah, I guess so.
-What's the matter, Tyler?

I'm beginning to think
I wore this woopie cushion for nothing.

You do realize, Ellen,

that my years of directing experience

make me uniquely qualified
to help Chloe understand

how the part of Wretch should be played.

Bennett, I have been
an unofficial understudy

in multiple theatrical productions.

I'm in the front row, in costume,

ready to jump on stage

if the actress ever falls off stage

after being distracted
by seeing someone in the front row

dressed just like her.

I think I know how to play this part.

Oh, really? Watch and learn.

( British accent ) Please, Mummy,

I'm tired of eating brains.

( British accent )
Can't I have cake and oranges and brains

like normal children? ( chomping )

I want to go to a school
with others like me.

I want to go from being a zom-B student

to being a zom-A student.

BOTH: I want to go to Necropolis High!

I love you so much.

I love you so much.

The cavern was around here somewhere,
and so were Princess and the puppies.

And now, all of those things are missing.
Spread out, guys.

FREDDY: Who's up there?

Freddy?

( screaming )

( farting sound )

Whoa. The woopie cushion broke my fall.

I didn't wear it for nothing.

Hey, there you guys are.

So I guess we're stuck down here.

Help! Help!

-Tyler?
-Help!

-Where are you?
-( screams )

( woopie cushion makes farting sound )

Hey, you fell on me.

Avery, where are you?

( screams )

( woopie cushion makes farting sound )

Thanks, Tyler.

ALL: Help! Help!

Avery, Tyler, Chloe.

Are you guys okay?

Yeah, and Princess, Gracie
and Freddy are down here, too.

We're all okay.

We jumped down here.

It was fun. Just like Daddy would do.

You guys are down there
because you copied what I do?

Oh, no.

I'm so sorry.

If I'd set a better example,
you wouldn't have broken your mommy out.

You wouldn't be trapped right now.

Tyler, you're right.

I'm a father now.

Can't act like this.

A father is supposed to make
his children safe. I--

Daddy, can you tell us this later

when we're not stuck in a hole?

Oh, right, yes. I'll get out
of this costume and go get help.

( air escaping )

Hurry. My woopie cushion
is running out of air.

I don't have much time.

And another thing.

( barking )

Why is that dog barking?

I'm giving a speech about
how much I love animals.

Somebody shut him up.

( groans ) It's so frustrating
being a talking dog

and not being able to talk.

( barking continues )

I think that adorable dog
is trying to tell us something.

( barking )

( high-pitched voice )
I think we should follow the handsome dog.

( normal voice )
Follow those majestic hindquarters.

So you got Princess back.

The media's calling your dog a hero

for finding Princess in the cavern,
but I don't buy it.

I still think you stole Princess
and covered it up.

You're dog thieves,

but totally put me on the list
for your next show.

I love Da Kommando Crew
featuring MC Woopie Cushion

as much as I hate all of you.

You wanna see the next show?

One-two, one-two.

( beat boxing )

♪ Just saved Princess ♪

♪ Everybody cheer ♪

Get those hands up, y'all.

♪ Just don't put us on TV ♪

♪ 'Cause Mom and Dad
don't know we're here ♪

( cameras clicking )

From now on, I'm gonna work so hard

to be a good example for my puppies.

'Cause I realized
they're gonna follow my example

whether I want them to or not.

Hey, you guys are blogging,
just like Daddy.

I'm shooting birds.

I'm bidding for things online.

If you put enough zeroes, you always win.

( gasps ) I got a boat!

And my kids aren't the only ones
learning something from a parent.

Well, I saw online, I didn't get the part.

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.

You know, we went online earlier

and saw they were auditioning
for the parent roles.

-You guys didn't get it.
-Oh, injustice!

Actors.