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1
00:00:01,083 --> 00:00:03,173
- ELLEN: Close your eyes.
- Okay.
2
00:00:05,333 --> 00:00:06,293
Open them.
3
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- ( meows )
- Oh!
4
00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:11,460
Do not hold a cat in the face of someone
5
00:00:11,542 --> 00:00:12,712
who startles easily.
6
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What is wrong with you?
7
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Well, you shouldn't have closed your eyes.
8
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- You told me to.
- It's an expression.
9
00:00:18,583 --> 00:00:20,383
"You can't win 'em all" is an expression.
10
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"Close your eyes" is a command.
11
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Well, you can't win 'em all.
12
00:00:25,208 --> 00:00:28,078
And please tell me you did not get a cat.
13
00:00:28,166 --> 00:00:30,286
Ellen, you know
you're not an animal person.
14
00:00:30,375 --> 00:00:33,455
No, I'm not a dog, bird, turtle, lizard,
15
00:00:33,583 --> 00:00:37,133
snake, gerbil, hamster,
ferret, goat, sheep,
16
00:00:37,208 --> 00:00:40,498
cow, chicken, rabbit,
rooster, pigeon, horse,
17
00:00:40,750 --> 00:00:42,330
Clydesdale horse, miniature horse,
18
00:00:42,417 --> 00:00:44,667
sea horse, donkey, mule,
or kangaroo person.
19
00:00:46,667 --> 00:00:47,917
But I am a cat person.
20
00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:49,130
Well, that's true.
21
00:00:49,208 --> 00:00:50,418
Cats are the one animal
22
00:00:50,500 --> 00:00:52,330
you have not engaged in combat with.
23
00:00:52,417 --> 00:00:53,827
Wait a minute, kangaroo?
24
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Incident at the zoo.
He threw the first punch.
25
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:00,580
Anyway this cat is only here
for a couple of days.
26
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I'm cat-sitting for a friend.
27
00:01:02,041 --> 00:01:04,211
Mmm... She is cute.
28
00:01:04,291 --> 00:01:05,581
Let's call her Marjorie.
29
00:01:05,667 --> 00:01:07,827
She already has a name. Whiskers.
30
00:01:08,417 --> 00:01:09,537
And Marjorie? Really?
31
00:01:09,625 --> 00:01:10,955
You want to name the cat after my mother?
32
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I don't know.
33
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I saw the claws
and the arrogant detachment,
34
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and I thought of her.
35
00:01:17,709 --> 00:01:19,379
What is that cat doing here?
36
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( gasps ) Stan will freak out
37
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if he sees a cat in the house.
38
00:01:23,709 --> 00:01:24,959
Are you not thinking straight?
39
00:01:25,041 --> 00:01:26,921
Did that kangaroo beat you senseless?
40
00:01:27,875 --> 00:01:30,325
Avery, that whole thing
about dogs hating cats
41
00:01:30,417 --> 00:01:32,457
is just a common misconception.
42
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:33,830
Like that a kangaroo
43
00:01:33,917 --> 00:01:35,417
will let you put anything in its pouch.
44
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So you've forgotten
45
00:01:37,375 --> 00:01:39,415
what Stan did that time
a cat got in the house?
46
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- ( barking )
- (screeching )
47
00:01:43,542 --> 00:01:45,172
Still think it was a good idea
48
00:01:45,250 --> 00:01:46,920
to feed the neighborhood stray?
49
00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:47,830
No.
50
00:01:47,917 --> 00:01:50,247
it was a bit of a cat-astrophe.
51
00:01:50,917 --> 00:01:51,747
Good one, Ellen.
52
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More like a cat-aclysm.
53
00:01:55,250 --> 00:01:57,130
( laughs ) Oh, good one, Bennett.
54
00:01:58,125 --> 00:01:59,915
Don't you ever do that again.
55
00:02:01,667 --> 00:02:03,287
We have to keep this a secret from Stan!
56
00:02:03,375 --> 00:02:04,705
I hope we're not too late.
57
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:07,542
Something's not right.
58
00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:10,880
Rotting fish, smelly cheese,
59
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garlic pickle...
60
00:02:12,375 --> 00:02:14,165
we need something stronger
to put him off the scent.
61
00:02:14,250 --> 00:02:15,380
Something really rancid.
62
00:02:15,458 --> 00:02:16,998
Oh, Bennett! Your stinky foot!
63
00:02:17,083 --> 00:02:17,923
Good idea!
64
00:02:19,291 --> 00:02:20,331
No, the other one!
65
00:02:20,542 --> 00:02:21,502
Oh, of course!
66
00:02:21,667 --> 00:02:22,957
The left one smells worse.
67
00:02:23,041 --> 00:02:23,881
We don't know why.
68
00:02:23,959 --> 00:02:26,289
Maybe it's the hali-toe-sis.
69
00:02:26,375 --> 00:02:28,535
( laughs ) Good one, Ben-- Never mind.
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00:02:30,125 --> 00:02:31,035
TOGETHER: Oh!
71
00:02:32,041 --> 00:02:33,631
I just hope this works.
72
00:02:33,709 --> 00:02:34,579
( sniffs )
73
00:02:34,667 --> 00:02:37,127
Nope. False alarm. Just Bennett's foot.
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( sniffs again)
75
00:02:38,583 --> 00:02:40,293
Ah, the left one.
76
00:02:58,291 --> 00:03:00,921
Dogs in swimwear. Kinda disturbing.
77
00:03:03,125 --> 00:03:06,075
What's kinda disturbing
is that I have that suit.
78
00:03:08,417 --> 00:03:09,497
Is that Rusty?
79
00:03:10,125 --> 00:03:11,325
You think you know a dog.
80
00:03:13,625 --> 00:03:15,535
What kind of weirdos go on these sites?
81
00:03:15,625 --> 00:03:16,785
You do, weirdo.
82
00:03:16,875 --> 00:03:18,825
That's because you sent it to me, weirdo.
83
00:03:18,917 --> 00:03:20,707
That's because I knew you were a weirdo.
84
00:03:20,917 --> 00:03:22,287
- Weirdo.
- You're weirder.
85
00:03:23,041 --> 00:03:23,881
Hey.
86
00:03:24,542 --> 00:03:26,082
Just returning your key from the other day
87
00:03:26,166 --> 00:03:27,286
when I walked Stan for you.
88
00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:28,825
Oh, hey, Nikki, thanks.
89
00:03:28,917 --> 00:03:30,577
- ( gasps )
- ( laughs )
90
00:03:30,667 --> 00:03:31,957
What are we laughing at?
91
00:03:32,750 --> 00:03:34,880
- Oh.
- Oh. ( laughs )
92
00:03:34,959 --> 00:03:37,419
Dogs wearing swimwear, that is so funny.
93
00:03:40,041 --> 00:03:41,251
Oh, I'm so sorry.
94
00:03:41,333 --> 00:03:43,583
I didn't mean to do that.
You were just crowding me.
95
00:03:43,667 --> 00:03:45,497
This is really more of a two person bench.
96
00:03:46,750 --> 00:03:48,540
Oh, I landed on my phone.
97
00:03:48,625 --> 00:03:49,535
( phone ringing )
98
00:03:50,375 --> 00:03:51,665
Sweet. You butt-dialed me.
99
00:03:52,500 --> 00:03:53,330
Hey, what's up?
100
00:03:53,417 --> 00:03:56,037
Hey, just sittin' on the floor.
Kinda diggin' it.
101
00:03:56,125 --> 00:03:58,535
Thinking about standing up.
Haven't quite decided.
102
00:03:59,583 --> 00:04:01,423
Oh, hold on, I'm getting another call.
103
00:04:02,750 --> 00:04:03,580
Hey, Nikki, what's up?
104
00:04:03,667 --> 00:04:05,417
Hi, Tyler.
105
00:04:06,709 --> 00:04:07,999
I'm going to have some of your smoothie.
106
00:04:08,083 --> 00:04:10,253
I bet we have the same favorite flavor.
107
00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:11,583
You like strawberry-banana?
108
00:04:11,667 --> 00:04:12,497
( gags )
109
00:04:13,166 --> 00:04:13,996
Mm-hmm.
110
00:04:15,208 --> 00:04:17,708
The seedy strawberries and slimy bananas
111
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make it so delicious.
112
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,080
Oh, look, here's my favorite part
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00:04:23,166 --> 00:04:24,126
where it comes back in my mouth
114
00:04:24,208 --> 00:04:25,208
like a little encore.
115
00:04:26,959 --> 00:04:28,249
One time when I was eating spaghetti,
116
00:04:28,333 --> 00:04:29,543
I burped up a whole noodle.
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00:04:29,917 --> 00:04:30,917
True story.
118
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,460
Nikki, I need to talk to you
in the kitchen
119
00:04:34,542 --> 00:04:36,792
about something really embarrassing.
120
00:04:36,875 --> 00:04:39,035
Oh, is this about your one pointy ear?
121
00:04:39,125 --> 00:04:41,575
( chuckles ) It's so cute.
It's like you're half an elf.
122
00:04:42,875 --> 00:04:44,375
No, it's not about that.
123
00:04:44,667 --> 00:04:46,417
And why does no one focus
on the round ear?
124
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:49,380
What were you doing in there?
125
00:04:49,458 --> 00:04:50,998
- You were acting like a fool.
- I know.
126
00:04:51,083 --> 00:04:53,133
- Drinking a strawberry-banana smoothie.
- I know!
127
00:04:53,208 --> 00:04:54,998
- You hate strawberries and bananas.
- I know!
128
00:04:55,083 --> 00:04:56,963
- Why are you doing this?
- I don't know!
129
00:04:59,250 --> 00:05:00,500
I think I like Tyler.
130
00:05:00,583 --> 00:05:03,003
But Tyler's been chasing after you forever
131
00:05:03,083 --> 00:05:04,253
and you were never interested.
132
00:05:04,333 --> 00:05:06,043
Which is the thing I liked best about you.
133
00:05:06,875 --> 00:05:07,915
What happened?
134
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:09,080
I think it's--
135
00:05:09,417 --> 00:05:10,457
now that he's with Emily
136
00:05:10,542 --> 00:05:12,382
and he's not trying so hard with me,
137
00:05:12,458 --> 00:05:14,418
I see how great he is.
138
00:05:14,500 --> 00:05:16,380
But he's not great. Trust me.
139
00:05:16,709 --> 00:05:17,999
You were right the first time.
140
00:05:20,041 --> 00:05:22,921
Chloe, we have to keep
that cat hidden from Stan.
141
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:24,170
You know how he hates cats.
142
00:05:24,250 --> 00:05:25,130
It's okay.
143
00:05:25,250 --> 00:05:27,080
He'll like this one
once I teach it to talk.
144
00:05:27,166 --> 00:05:29,326
- ( meows )
- Say, "There's the sugar."
145
00:05:29,959 --> 00:05:31,709
Come on, cat, you can do it.
146
00:05:32,166 --> 00:05:33,576
"There's the sugar!"
147
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:38,250
- Chloe, we know animals don't talk.
- ( laughs )
148
00:05:38,625 --> 00:05:40,875
I think it's cute
that she thinks animals talk.
149
00:05:40,959 --> 00:05:41,829
Thanks, Nikki.
150
00:05:42,041 --> 00:05:44,421
I think it's cute that
you think animals don't talk.
151
00:05:48,333 --> 00:05:50,383
So, what's wrong with your friend Nikki?
152
00:05:50,542 --> 00:05:52,332
I know. She just took my smoothie.
153
00:05:52,417 --> 00:05:53,537
Is she bringing it back?
154
00:05:53,625 --> 00:05:54,785
You don't do that to somebody.
155
00:05:56,125 --> 00:05:58,705
No, I mean it's like
she's jealous or something.
156
00:05:59,083 --> 00:06:00,173
Did you two ever go out?
157
00:06:00,250 --> 00:06:01,500
Oh, I see.
158
00:06:01,583 --> 00:06:03,713
You're wondering if you have
anything to be jealous about.
159
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:06,040
Don't worry.
Nikki was never my girlfriend.
160
00:06:06,375 --> 00:06:08,875
She's just the girl
I always wanted and could never get.
161
00:06:10,083 --> 00:06:10,923
What?
162
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:12,420
Yeah, you have nothing
to worry about, Emily.
163
00:06:12,500 --> 00:06:14,000
I asked her out, like, dozens of times
164
00:06:14,083 --> 00:06:15,423
and she always said no.
165
00:06:16,625 --> 00:06:18,125
So you have, like, a crush on her?
166
00:06:18,208 --> 00:06:19,458
Okay, I said that wrong.
167
00:06:20,291 --> 00:06:21,291
What I meant to say was,
168
00:06:21,375 --> 00:06:22,995
you have nothing to worry about, Emily.
169
00:06:23,208 --> 00:06:24,418
And stop talking.
170
00:06:25,917 --> 00:06:26,827
Okay, you know what?
171
00:06:27,709 --> 00:06:29,379
I don't want you hanging out
with Nikki anymore.
172
00:06:30,041 --> 00:06:31,001
- What?
- Yeah.
173
00:06:31,291 --> 00:06:32,581
If you want me to be your girlfriend,
174
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she can't be your friend.
175
00:06:33,750 --> 00:06:35,670
Well, I do want you to be my girlfriend.
176
00:06:35,750 --> 00:06:36,580
Okay.
177
00:06:37,458 --> 00:06:38,538
You're cool about this, right?
178
00:06:38,625 --> 00:06:40,535
Yeah, I totally understand.
179
00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:42,674
I'm just mad at myself
for telling you too much.
180
00:06:43,500 --> 00:06:45,960
I mean, yeah, I totally understand.
181
00:06:46,291 --> 00:06:47,171
And stop talking.
182
00:06:52,125 --> 00:06:54,955
So then Emily said that
if I wanted her to be my girlfriend,
183
00:06:55,041 --> 00:06:56,421
I couldn't be friends with Nikki.
184
00:06:56,500 --> 00:06:57,330
What did you say?
185
00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:58,627
Well, I said I understood,
186
00:06:58,709 --> 00:07:00,709
I mean, I don't want Emily to be upset,
187
00:07:00,792 --> 00:07:02,252
but Nikki's my friend.
188
00:07:02,333 --> 00:07:04,253
It doesn't seem right
to do that to a friend.
189
00:07:04,458 --> 00:07:06,168
Plus, Nikki smells really good.
190
00:07:06,250 --> 00:07:07,290
Really good.
191
00:07:08,625 --> 00:07:10,125
As a friend.
She smells really good as a friend.
192
00:07:11,583 --> 00:07:12,633
I'm sorry, Tyler,
193
00:07:12,709 --> 00:07:13,829
but once you have a girlfriend,
194
00:07:13,917 --> 00:07:15,787
you shouldn't be smelling another girl.
195
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,380
No matter how much she smells like
lilac and cinnamon
196
00:07:19,792 --> 00:07:22,422
and moves like curtains
blown by the summer breeze.
197
00:07:23,375 --> 00:07:24,205
Not my words--
198
00:07:24,375 --> 00:07:25,995
the poet laureate of El Salvador.
199
00:07:27,709 --> 00:07:29,169
Lilac and cinnamon!
200
00:07:29,375 --> 00:07:30,375
No wonder I think of Nikki
201
00:07:30,417 --> 00:07:32,327
when I'm eating churros in Mom's bathroom.
202
00:07:33,166 --> 00:07:35,666
Why are you eating churros
in Mom's bathroom?
203
00:07:35,750 --> 00:07:37,670
I enjoy eating them in the jacuzzi tub.
204
00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:40,210
Sometimes I just need a Tyler Day.
205
00:07:41,291 --> 00:07:42,671
Ha, I hear that.
206
00:07:43,041 --> 00:07:43,881
On Stan Days,
207
00:07:43,959 --> 00:07:46,669
I just light incense, play music, and cry.
208
00:07:48,458 --> 00:07:51,878
I mean, I chase squirrels
and roll around in the mud.
209
00:07:52,333 --> 00:07:53,423
Yeah, that's what I do.
210
00:07:55,917 --> 00:07:58,247
Tyler, you have to tell Nikki
you can't be friends anymore.
211
00:07:58,333 --> 00:07:59,423
Yeah, I guess.
212
00:07:59,500 --> 00:08:00,750
I just don't know what I'm gonna say.
213
00:08:00,834 --> 00:08:01,714
Tell her you think of her
214
00:08:01,792 --> 00:08:03,632
when you're eating churros
in Mom's bathroom.
215
00:08:03,959 --> 00:08:04,959
That should do the trick.
216
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:14,380
Whiskers, I understand
why you have to hide here
217
00:08:14,458 --> 00:08:16,168
so Stan won't find you.
218
00:08:16,583 --> 00:08:18,503
But why does she have to be in my office
219
00:08:18,583 --> 00:08:19,713
when I'm trying to work?
220
00:08:19,792 --> 00:08:20,922
I'm a cat person.
221
00:08:22,417 --> 00:08:23,667
But not a cat lady.
222
00:08:23,750 --> 00:08:25,580
The difference is the number of cats
223
00:08:25,834 --> 00:08:27,214
and the level of sadness.
224
00:08:28,333 --> 00:08:30,633
Okay. That explains why you're here.
225
00:08:31,041 --> 00:08:31,881
Sort of.
226
00:08:32,792 --> 00:08:34,792
But why does she have to be in my office?
227
00:08:37,291 --> 00:08:39,581
I like petting. I'll pet anything.
228
00:08:40,041 --> 00:08:42,291
Cats, bunnies, old folks, babies,
229
00:08:42,375 --> 00:08:43,495
sometimes the wall.
230
00:08:44,834 --> 00:08:46,254
I may have a problem.
231
00:08:48,250 --> 00:08:51,500
What are you guys doing?
You left the door ajar.
232
00:08:52,083 --> 00:08:53,503
Stan could have wandered in.
233
00:08:53,542 --> 00:08:55,332
We need to keep this cat a secret.
234
00:08:55,417 --> 00:08:57,167
Avery, I think you're overreacting.
235
00:08:57,250 --> 00:08:59,330
It's not like Stan is on the prowl
236
00:08:59,417 --> 00:09:00,877
searching for it, or something.
237
00:09:00,959 --> 00:09:02,709
There's something here.
238
00:09:05,083 --> 00:09:06,253
Where is it?
239
00:09:06,834 --> 00:09:07,754
What is it?
240
00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:11,460
Such a sweetie.
241
00:09:12,333 --> 00:09:13,503
A cat!
242
00:09:15,458 --> 00:09:16,288
Oh, boy.
243
00:09:16,375 --> 00:09:17,205
( chuckles )
244
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:21,080
Just be cool.
245
00:09:21,250 --> 00:09:23,630
Like you've been here the whole time.
246
00:09:26,875 --> 00:09:27,995
A cat, Avery!
247
00:09:28,083 --> 00:09:30,333
A cat! Here in my house!
248
00:09:30,417 --> 00:09:32,917
Okay, I get why you're upset.
249
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:34,790
But Mom's just cat-sitting for a friend.
250
00:09:34,875 --> 00:09:36,745
It's not like the cat
even did anything to you.
251
00:09:36,834 --> 00:09:38,794
Your nose isn't finely tuned like mine,
252
00:09:38,875 --> 00:09:39,705
so you didn't notice,
253
00:09:39,792 --> 00:09:41,792
but it was farting hate into the room.
254
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:44,000
Maybe you don't understand
255
00:09:44,083 --> 00:09:46,293
how much dogs and cats despise each other.
256
00:09:46,375 --> 00:09:47,825
Okay, Stan, I get it.
257
00:09:47,917 --> 00:09:50,787
You hate cats so much
that you're making stuff up.
258
00:09:50,875 --> 00:09:52,625
Hate farts are real!
259
00:09:53,750 --> 00:09:55,830
And so is a dog's loathing of cats.
260
00:09:55,917 --> 00:09:56,917
Okay, I get it.
261
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:58,630
It's like the Red Sox and the Yankees.
262
00:09:58,709 --> 00:10:00,289
No, it's worse.
263
00:10:00,375 --> 00:10:02,205
Red Sox sometimes become Yankees,
264
00:10:02,291 --> 00:10:03,921
but a dog would never become a cat,
265
00:10:04,125 --> 00:10:05,825
no matter how much money you offer it.
266
00:10:07,250 --> 00:10:09,290
How many times do I have to say I get it?
267
00:10:09,375 --> 00:10:11,415
- How many times have you said it?
- I think three.
268
00:10:11,500 --> 00:10:12,670
Then, yeah, that should do it.
269
00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:18,503
It figures that Ellen
would be behind this.
270
00:10:18,667 --> 00:10:20,667
She's always saying
how she's a cat person.
271
00:10:20,875 --> 00:10:22,665
She even posts pictures of herself online
272
00:10:22,750 --> 00:10:23,750
wearing a cat beard.
273
00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:28,080
And here's a cat with an Ellen beard.
274
00:10:30,917 --> 00:10:33,037
Well, if she's going to bring
a cat into the house,
275
00:10:33,125 --> 00:10:35,245
I'm not just going to sit here
and blog about it.
276
00:10:35,333 --> 00:10:36,583
I'm gonna do something.
277
00:10:38,709 --> 00:10:39,879
- Hey, little kitty.
- ( meows )
278
00:10:40,208 --> 00:10:41,628
Time for me to say goodbye like
279
00:10:41,709 --> 00:10:43,669
in all the poignant animal movies.
280
00:10:44,250 --> 00:10:45,080
Just go!
281
00:10:45,583 --> 00:10:46,633
Get out of here!
282
00:10:46,834 --> 00:10:48,004
What are you waiting for?
283
00:10:48,250 --> 00:10:49,960
Just leave and don't look back!
284
00:10:52,375 --> 00:10:53,205
Ha!
285
00:10:53,291 --> 00:10:55,211
Take your hate stink somewhere else.
286
00:10:55,291 --> 00:10:57,831
And good luck finding
a cab this time of night.
287
00:11:03,625 --> 00:11:05,575
Ah, that's nice.
288
00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:09,210
Ah!
289
00:11:09,417 --> 00:11:10,667
What happened?
290
00:11:12,083 --> 00:11:15,713
She's so warm. And so cuddly.
291
00:11:16,959 --> 00:11:19,579
How can something so wrong feel so right?
292
00:11:23,250 --> 00:11:25,040
What do you mean
we can't hang out anymore?
293
00:11:25,125 --> 00:11:26,415
Nikki, you're a good friend,
294
00:11:26,500 --> 00:11:28,000
but it makes Emily uncomfortable.
295
00:11:28,083 --> 00:11:29,503
And nothing makes her uncomfortable.
296
00:11:29,917 --> 00:11:30,747
Not even this.
297
00:11:34,542 --> 00:11:36,382
That does not make me
uncomfortable either.
298
00:11:37,667 --> 00:11:39,247
- Really?
- Yes, I like it very much.
299
00:11:40,583 --> 00:11:43,043
But keeping your arm outstretched
300
00:11:43,125 --> 00:11:44,665
must be uncomfortable for you,
301
00:11:44,750 --> 00:11:46,080
so please stop immediately.
302
00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:50,205
Anyway, I'm sorry.
303
00:11:50,333 --> 00:11:51,253
Emily's my girlfriend
304
00:11:51,333 --> 00:11:52,713
and she doesn't want us being friends.
305
00:11:52,792 --> 00:11:54,042
What do you want?
306
00:11:54,208 --> 00:11:55,288
What choice do I have?
307
00:11:55,834 --> 00:11:58,384
Well, you could break up with Emily.
308
00:11:58,458 --> 00:11:59,918
But then I won't have a girlfriend.
309
00:12:01,041 --> 00:12:02,461
Yes, you will.
310
00:12:02,542 --> 00:12:04,502
No, Nikki,
if I break up with my girlfriend,
311
00:12:04,583 --> 00:12:06,003
then I won't have a girlfriend.
312
00:12:06,583 --> 00:12:07,923
Maybe it's different in your country.
313
00:12:09,583 --> 00:12:10,423
Tyler.
314
00:12:10,500 --> 00:12:12,500
You could have another girlfriend.
315
00:12:12,583 --> 00:12:13,963
Yeah, I'm sure I could find someone,
316
00:12:14,041 --> 00:12:15,421
but I don't know who.
317
00:12:15,542 --> 00:12:16,462
And whoever it is
318
00:12:16,542 --> 00:12:18,212
might still have a problem with me
being friends with you,
319
00:12:18,291 --> 00:12:19,711
and we'd be right back here.
320
00:12:21,083 --> 00:12:22,673
Tyler, I'm talking about me!
321
00:12:22,750 --> 00:12:23,830
I'll be your girlfriend!
322
00:12:23,917 --> 00:12:26,077
Nikki, Emily doesn't want you
to be my friend.
323
00:12:26,166 --> 00:12:28,076
She'll never go for you
being my girlfriend.
324
00:12:29,041 --> 00:12:30,131
Wait. Whoa.
325
00:12:35,792 --> 00:12:37,382
My world no longer makes sense!
326
00:12:37,458 --> 00:12:39,208
I'm freaking out, Avery!
327
00:12:39,458 --> 00:12:41,878
Light the incense
and crank up my rainy day playlist.
328
00:12:41,959 --> 00:12:43,419
I need a Stan Day.
329
00:12:44,542 --> 00:12:45,752
Stan, what's the matter?
330
00:12:45,834 --> 00:12:48,754
Something horrible.
Something truly horrible.
331
00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:50,254
I think I like a cat.
332
00:12:50,500 --> 00:12:51,330
( sobbing )
333
00:12:52,917 --> 00:12:54,247
- What?
- I don't know how it happened.
334
00:12:54,333 --> 00:12:55,333
I was lying there.
335
00:12:55,417 --> 00:12:56,917
Then the cat was lying there.
336
00:12:57,291 --> 00:12:58,791
And it felt so good.
337
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:01,170
It's okay, Stan.
338
00:13:01,417 --> 00:13:02,787
Your thinking on cats is evolving
339
00:13:02,875 --> 00:13:03,955
and there's nothing wrong with that.
340
00:13:04,083 --> 00:13:05,673
The craziest thing just happened to me!
341
00:13:05,750 --> 00:13:07,670
No, the craziest thing
just happened to me!
342
00:13:07,750 --> 00:13:08,630
Mine is crazier.
343
00:13:08,709 --> 00:13:11,129
Whatever it is, it's not as crazy as me
liking a cat.
344
00:13:11,208 --> 00:13:12,918
Nikki wants to be my girlfriend!
345
00:13:13,583 --> 00:13:14,423
You like a cat?
346
00:13:14,500 --> 00:13:16,830
Yeah. Nikki wants to be your girlfriend?
347
00:13:16,917 --> 00:13:17,747
Yeah!
348
00:13:18,917 --> 00:13:21,787
Okay, it's like the world
is spinning off its axis.
349
00:13:21,875 --> 00:13:23,995
The laws of physics no longer apply.
350
00:13:24,083 --> 00:13:26,583
The atomic weight of barium
is less than that of lithium!
351
00:13:26,667 --> 00:13:27,497
( snickering )
352
00:13:27,792 --> 00:13:29,002
It's not less than that of lithium.
353
00:13:29,083 --> 00:13:30,423
Not by a long shot.
354
00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:31,460
( laughing )
355
00:13:33,875 --> 00:13:34,745
( clears throat )
356
00:13:34,834 --> 00:13:35,794
So what are you going to do about Nikki?
357
00:13:37,333 --> 00:13:39,923
I don't know. I guess I have to choose
between her and Emily.
358
00:13:40,417 --> 00:13:42,877
It's really tough.
I mean, things are great with Emily.
359
00:13:42,959 --> 00:13:44,209
We have so much fun together,
360
00:13:44,375 --> 00:13:45,575
and I know what I have with her.
361
00:13:45,667 --> 00:13:46,787
Emily it is.
362
00:13:46,875 --> 00:13:48,825
But Nikki is the one
I've always wanted to be with.
363
00:13:48,917 --> 00:13:50,577
I'm thinking maybe now Nikki.
364
00:13:51,792 --> 00:13:53,082
But she was never interested.
365
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:54,076
How can I trust it?
366
00:13:54,166 --> 00:13:55,826
Maybe she just likes me
because I'm unavailable.
367
00:13:55,917 --> 00:13:57,877
Boy, that Emily is a real peach.
368
00:13:58,750 --> 00:14:01,920
But Nikki is Nikki. She's just so Nikki.
369
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:04,330
Back on the Nikki train. All aboard!
370
00:14:06,083 --> 00:14:07,003
Stan, you're not helping.
371
00:14:07,083 --> 00:14:08,793
Hey, at least you're picking
within your species.
372
00:14:08,875 --> 00:14:10,535
I'm cuddling with the enemy.
373
00:14:10,959 --> 00:14:11,879
Oh, look at that.
374
00:14:11,959 --> 00:14:13,289
She's grooming me.
375
00:14:15,041 --> 00:14:17,171
She's so thoughtful.
She always puts me first.
376
00:14:19,083 --> 00:14:20,583
Help me, Avery. What should I do?
377
00:14:20,667 --> 00:14:23,077
Tyler, in the couple of years
I've known you,
378
00:14:23,375 --> 00:14:25,915
I've compiled a binder
with solutions to problems
379
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:26,960
you might encounter--
380
00:14:27,041 --> 00:14:29,001
as kind of a mental exercise.
381
00:14:30,125 --> 00:14:32,205
It's 400 pages long
382
00:14:32,291 --> 00:14:34,671
and divided into 17 subchapters.
383
00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:36,631
Two girls liking you is not in there.
384
00:14:38,375 --> 00:14:40,915
Ow! My finger is stuck
in the pinchy thing.
385
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:42,080
Oh, that's on page three.
386
00:14:45,625 --> 00:14:47,375
So what should I do about Emily and Nikki?
387
00:14:47,458 --> 00:14:49,328
Tyler, I'm glad you came to me.
388
00:14:50,083 --> 00:14:52,713
I have studied the cognitive process of
389
00:14:52,792 --> 00:14:54,832
decision making extensively
390
00:14:54,917 --> 00:14:56,377
from a psychological standpoint,
391
00:14:56,458 --> 00:14:58,578
and I've concluded that the human mind
392
00:14:58,667 --> 00:15:01,377
will make the wrong decision
half the time.
393
00:15:02,208 --> 00:15:05,628
You might as well take this coin
and toss it in the air.
394
00:15:05,959 --> 00:15:08,169
Heads is Nikki and tails is Emily.
395
00:15:08,959 --> 00:15:11,289
You know, Ellen was heads.
396
00:15:11,625 --> 00:15:12,535
( inhales )
397
00:15:12,625 --> 00:15:16,035
Sometimes I wonder
whatever happened to tails.
398
00:15:18,041 --> 00:15:20,171
Never break up with a girl, Tyler.
399
00:15:20,291 --> 00:15:21,921
It hurts them too much.
400
00:15:22,041 --> 00:15:23,751
You may think that you can say it in a way
401
00:15:23,834 --> 00:15:25,794
that will cushion the blow, but you can't.
402
00:15:25,959 --> 00:15:26,959
Oh, I've heard them all.
403
00:15:27,250 --> 00:15:30,040
"It's not you, it's me,"
"It's pretty much you,"
404
00:15:30,417 --> 00:15:31,747
"It's definitely you,"
405
00:15:32,125 --> 00:15:34,245
"The security camera says it was you."
406
00:15:35,959 --> 00:15:38,459
One is as painful to hear as the next.
407
00:15:38,834 --> 00:15:40,084
But you don't know heartache
408
00:15:40,166 --> 00:15:43,416
until you've been dumped
by a boy's entire family.
409
00:15:43,709 --> 00:15:45,249
They just surrounded their son
410
00:15:45,333 --> 00:15:47,133
and screamed at me in Portuguese.
411
00:15:47,333 --> 00:15:51,133
( speaking in foreign language )
412
00:15:52,667 --> 00:15:53,917
"Leave now, crazy woman."
413
00:15:56,041 --> 00:15:59,541
Tyler, I had to choose
between two dolls once.
414
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:01,500
I couldn't decide which I wanted more,
415
00:16:02,208 --> 00:16:04,078
so I put both their heads on one body.
416
00:16:04,542 --> 00:16:05,502
You should do that.
417
00:16:11,041 --> 00:16:12,421
Amy likes scones.
418
00:16:12,709 --> 00:16:14,329
Wanda likes biscuits.
419
00:16:14,792 --> 00:16:16,292
Tea parties are cray.
420
00:16:19,583 --> 00:16:20,463
( clang )
421
00:16:20,542 --> 00:16:23,132
Everyone! I made my decision!
422
00:16:24,125 --> 00:16:25,075
Also, I found a gong.
423
00:16:29,333 --> 00:16:30,963
Thank you all for your advice.
424
00:16:31,041 --> 00:16:32,671
I've thought about this long and hard.
425
00:16:32,750 --> 00:16:34,210
And I know which girl I want to be with.
426
00:16:34,291 --> 00:16:36,711
Oh, that's great, Son.
Who's the lucky girl?
427
00:16:36,792 --> 00:16:38,712
Well, who's the girl you chose?
428
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:40,830
Which one is lucky
might be a matter of opinion.
429
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,080
It's only fair I tell her first.
430
00:16:44,166 --> 00:16:46,576
As I present her this.
431
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:48,080
( whispers ) Flip the coin.
432
00:16:48,417 --> 00:16:49,577
( whispers ) Don't hurt her.
433
00:16:49,959 --> 00:16:51,209
( whispers ) Two heads.
434
00:17:01,250 --> 00:17:02,130
I choose you.
435
00:17:03,875 --> 00:17:05,625
What do you mean, you choose me? For what?
436
00:17:05,709 --> 00:17:07,129
Oh, right, you don't even know.
437
00:17:07,333 --> 00:17:08,583
Nikki wants to be my girlfriend,
438
00:17:08,667 --> 00:17:09,707
so I've been wrestling with it,
439
00:17:09,792 --> 00:17:11,422
asking everyone for advice.
440
00:17:11,667 --> 00:17:13,287
But I finally decided what to do.
441
00:17:13,750 --> 00:17:15,170
I choose you.
442
00:17:16,583 --> 00:17:17,753
You're such a jerk.
443
00:17:18,583 --> 00:17:20,543
Maybe you didn't hear me. I choose you.
444
00:17:20,625 --> 00:17:22,625
I can't believe you were
thinking about dumping me.
445
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:23,879
But I choose you?
446
00:17:26,458 --> 00:17:27,458
Ow. Thorns.
447
00:17:29,458 --> 00:17:31,708
I thought everything was going
so great between us.
448
00:17:31,792 --> 00:17:34,042
It was. And that's why I chose you.
449
00:17:34,250 --> 00:17:35,710
Nikki's just like some dream girl.
450
00:17:35,792 --> 00:17:37,332
I don't know if I can even trust it.
451
00:17:37,709 --> 00:17:38,789
But what we have is real.
452
00:17:38,875 --> 00:17:40,745
It's safe and comfortable.
453
00:17:41,125 --> 00:17:42,415
Give me the rose back.
454
00:17:45,291 --> 00:17:46,711
I'm not safe and comfortable!
455
00:17:48,500 --> 00:17:50,960
Well, not when you go around
throwing roses at people like that.
456
00:17:52,291 --> 00:17:53,961
Hey, if Nikki's your dream girl,
457
00:17:54,125 --> 00:17:54,955
go for it.
458
00:17:55,834 --> 00:17:57,174
I care about you, Emily.
459
00:17:57,417 --> 00:17:58,377
I don't want to hurt you.
460
00:17:58,458 --> 00:18:00,328
I've seen what that can
do to a woman later in life.
461
00:18:00,417 --> 00:18:01,247
It's not pretty.
462
00:18:02,125 --> 00:18:03,745
Dude, I'm fine.
463
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:05,423
And hey, I don't want to be with someone
464
00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:06,790
who doesn't think I'm his dream girl.
465
00:18:07,542 --> 00:18:08,382
I'm sorry.
466
00:18:09,375 --> 00:18:10,535
You're being really cool about this.
467
00:18:10,959 --> 00:18:12,129
That's because I'm cool.
468
00:18:12,208 --> 00:18:13,708
And I love that in a girl.
469
00:18:13,792 --> 00:18:15,462
You know, if this thing
with Nikki doesn't work out--
470
00:18:15,542 --> 00:18:16,582
And stop talking.
471
00:18:23,959 --> 00:18:25,209
What did you do?
472
00:18:25,291 --> 00:18:27,131
I decided if I'm a cat lover,
473
00:18:27,208 --> 00:18:28,328
I might as well embrace it.
474
00:18:30,542 --> 00:18:33,422
I invited all the neighborhood cats over.
475
00:18:33,500 --> 00:18:35,170
How'd you get 'em all here?
476
00:18:35,291 --> 00:18:36,131
I can't tell you.
477
00:18:36,792 --> 00:18:39,292
Let's just say it involved
a lizard and a string.
478
00:18:39,583 --> 00:18:40,543
Okay, I just told you.
479
00:18:42,250 --> 00:18:43,880
I don't know where to start petting.
480
00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:46,131
I've always dreamed this would happen.
481
00:18:46,458 --> 00:18:48,708
If I look outside
and there's a unicorn and a rainbow,
482
00:18:48,792 --> 00:18:50,172
I'm gonna freak.
483
00:18:52,041 --> 00:18:53,961
But they're driving me crazy, Chloe.
484
00:18:54,041 --> 00:18:55,291
They're ungrateful, entitled,
485
00:18:55,375 --> 00:18:56,825
and think they're better than everyone.
486
00:18:56,917 --> 00:18:59,077
It's like being
with a bunch of sorority girls.
487
00:19:00,166 --> 00:19:03,496
I like Whiskers, but I hate these cats.
488
00:19:04,083 --> 00:19:05,753
I'm more confused than ever, Chloe.
489
00:19:05,834 --> 00:19:06,754
Today in school,
490
00:19:06,834 --> 00:19:09,084
we learned that you have to judge people
by who they are.
491
00:19:09,667 --> 00:19:10,877
Not by the color of their skin
492
00:19:10,959 --> 00:19:12,209
or what country they come from.
493
00:19:12,291 --> 00:19:13,501
Oh, so you're saying,
494
00:19:13,583 --> 00:19:15,793
I can like one cat as an individual,
495
00:19:15,875 --> 00:19:17,995
but I don't have to like
all cats as a group.
496
00:19:18,125 --> 00:19:20,285
No. I was just telling you
what we learned in school.
497
00:19:20,667 --> 00:19:22,077
It had nothing to do with cats.
498
00:19:22,500 --> 00:19:24,170
We also did times tables.
499
00:19:29,375 --> 00:19:30,875
( clattering )
500
00:19:30,959 --> 00:19:31,829
I choose you.
501
00:19:31,917 --> 00:19:34,207
Oh, Tyler, I am so happy.
502
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,000
Why is my rose bent?
503
00:19:38,083 --> 00:19:39,793
That's because Emily kept
throwing it at me.
504
00:19:41,709 --> 00:19:42,919
Why did Emily have my rose?
505
00:19:44,041 --> 00:19:46,081
Funny story. I gave it to Emily first--
506
00:19:46,208 --> 00:19:47,328
that's not the funny part.
507
00:19:47,667 --> 00:19:48,747
She made me realize
508
00:19:48,834 --> 00:19:50,294
I should go after my dream girl
509
00:19:50,375 --> 00:19:52,325
and not worry about
whether I can trust it.
510
00:19:52,792 --> 00:19:54,042
And you're my dream girl.
511
00:19:54,458 --> 00:19:55,418
Still not funny.
512
00:19:56,875 --> 00:19:58,625
Well, not "laughing" funny so much as
513
00:19:58,709 --> 00:20:00,379
"can you believe
I told you all that" funny.
514
00:20:02,375 --> 00:20:03,915
You picked Emily first?
515
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:04,880
Uh...
516
00:20:04,959 --> 00:20:06,789
Did you hear the part about
you're my dream girl?
517
00:20:06,875 --> 00:20:08,575
And you don't know if you can trust it?
518
00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:09,996
Dream girl?
519
00:20:10,542 --> 00:20:11,462
You're such a jerk.
520
00:20:12,250 --> 00:20:13,580
Ow. Thorns again.
521
00:20:14,875 --> 00:20:15,825
Nikki, wait.
522
00:20:19,291 --> 00:20:20,131
I can't believe it.
523
00:20:21,917 --> 00:20:23,997
I had two girls into me
and now I have none.
524
00:20:24,083 --> 00:20:26,213
I can't believe in two years
you're going to vote.
525
00:20:27,792 --> 00:20:28,672
So what do I do?
526
00:20:28,750 --> 00:20:30,380
Just give me your ballot
and I'll take care of it.
527
00:20:31,458 --> 00:20:33,878
No, about Nikki. What do I do about Nikki?
528
00:20:33,959 --> 00:20:36,749
So Nikki's really the one you want?
529
00:20:38,250 --> 00:20:39,250
It's always been Nikki.
530
00:20:40,917 --> 00:20:42,127
How am I going to win her back?
531
00:20:43,667 --> 00:20:45,787
The heart wants what it wants.
532
00:20:45,875 --> 00:20:48,625
But sometimes you don't know
what the heart wants.
533
00:20:48,917 --> 00:20:51,247
Wouldn't it be great
if the heart could talk?
534
00:20:51,625 --> 00:20:53,375
Then it could tell you what it wants.
535
00:20:53,834 --> 00:20:55,254
I want to go to college!
536
00:20:55,375 --> 00:20:57,875
I keep telling you,
you can't leave my body.
537
00:20:59,542 --> 00:21:01,212
You don't want me to be happy.
538
00:21:04,750 --> 00:21:06,710
Oh, Tyler, one other piece of advice
539
00:21:06,792 --> 00:21:08,422
I forgot to give you yesterday.
540
00:21:08,750 --> 00:21:11,670
Make sure the girl that you pick
never knows that
541
00:21:11,750 --> 00:21:12,880
there was ever a doubt.
542
00:21:12,959 --> 00:21:13,999
Thanks, Dad.
543
00:21:14,083 --> 00:21:15,213
And watch out for that mailbox
544
00:21:15,291 --> 00:21:16,331
you ran over last week.
545
00:21:16,417 --> 00:21:18,997
( chuckles ) I think it's a little late
to be telling me that now.
546
00:21:19,083 --> 00:21:20,083
Exactly!
547
00:21:22,959 --> 00:21:25,499
Whiskers could not have been
a more delightful house guest.
548
00:21:25,625 --> 00:21:28,785
And the sweetest thing is
how she and Stan became best friends.
549
00:21:28,875 --> 00:21:30,125
Hey, Stan.
550
00:21:30,208 --> 00:21:33,248
Say goodbye to Whiskers before she goes.
551
00:21:33,333 --> 00:21:34,633
Goodbye, dear friend.
552
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:36,420
We haven't known each other long.
553
00:21:36,500 --> 00:21:38,880
But when two souls connect, then--
554
00:21:38,959 --> 00:21:39,959
( Whiskers screeching )
555
00:21:41,041 --> 00:21:42,381
Yeah, okay, I hate cats.
39249
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