All language subtitles for Stardust.Memories.1980.1080p.BluRay.H264.AAC-RARBG3_Eng

(Ticking)

(Sniffling)

(Train engine over dialogue)

(Train engine chugging)

Well, I thought it was terrible.
Absolutely terrible.

- I don't recall seeing anything this bad.
- You're not kidding.

This man is sick. What is this thing?

I thought this was
supposed to be a comedy.

That was the most horrifying thing
I've ever seen!

- Seagulls. Dead cars.
- Just horrible. This is a disgrace.

- He has no balance left.
- I just don't get it.

- I think the guy's losing his mind.
- Somebody, please cut that projector.

- Something wrong with him.
- He's out of balance.

He's not funny anymore.

$12 million for that garbage?
What self-indulgence!

- OK, let's not panic.
- I think the man's lost his mind.

We can take the film away from him,
we can reshoot it, we can recut it.

Maybe we can salvage something.

He's pretentious.
His filming style is too fancy.

His insights are shallow and morbid.

I've seen it all before.

They try to document their private
suffering and fob it off as art.

What does he have to suffer about?

Doesn't the man know he's got
the greatest gift, the gift of laughter?

(Car horn blaring)

No, I don't think I'm gonna make it.

We're sitting here in what looks
like a truck route or something.

I don't know what the hell's going on.
Hold on one second.

George, that guy's parked, you know?
You can just drive around him.

It's crazy. The town is jammed.

Is the Pope in town,
or some other show-business figure?

Oh, my God.
Do you know what I forgot?

I forgot to cancel your lunch with
the editor of "Newsweek". My fault.

And, you were supposed to tell me
about the public television thing.

I remembered that.

And you were supposed to send the
limousine to the airport for my parents.

I know, sweetheart.

The cast came off my finger,
so I was at the doctor yesterday.

Look, that one's my fault.
Listen, I made a couple of changes.

You have the analyst
at 2:00 instead of 3:00,

I moved your tennis lesson up an hour,
the chiropodist is at 4:00,

and we moved the hair treatment
to, erm... Friday.

I'm sorry, Wednesday. No, Thursday!
Thursday at 2:00 is the hair... treatment.

Can I please get your signature
on this oil shelter thing?

- (Sandy) Oil? You told me cattle.
- The cattle died.

Has anybody given any thought to "Time"
magazine? I said I'd get back to them.

Your cousin called.
He needs to borrow more money.

Oh, jeez!

Don't bug him about the "Time" cover.
He can do it after the weekend.

I don't want to go away this weekend.
Who needs a festival of my old films?

- Sign here, please.
- It's ridiculous.

Don't worry about that income tax thing.
I'll be with you to see the Treasury agents.

Treasury agents?
Since when is it that serious?

Look, Sandy, this is two lousy days.

You drive up there, they honour you,
they show your films,

they ask you a couple of stupid questions,
and you go home.

I don't wanna be honoured. It's a hype!

Don't be ungrateful.
She's an important film critic.

You promised. They sold a lot of tickets.
You can't back out.

You might enjoy it.
The nice clean sea air.

Sandy, we've gotta talk
about the new picture.

What do you want me to say? I don't
wanna make funny movies anymore.

They can't force me to.
You know, I don't feel funny.

I look around the world
and all I see is human suffering.

(Manager) Human suffering doesn't sell
tickets in Kansas City.

(Assistant) They want laughs
in Kansas City.

They've been working
in the wheat fields all day.

Hey fellas, I'm getting a headache.
Can I please get some privacy?

Your problem is, you never got
over Nat Bernstein's death.

Of course I never got over...

The guy was 30 years old,
never sick a day in his life,

and then suddenly, out of left field,
amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.

It was horrible.

He was laying there in the hospital,
his body degenerated like Lou Gehrig.

You could use this weekend at
the seashore. You should take a month.

When I was a kid,
my mother took me to the seashore.

Little old decaying hotels and awnings.

Here's your Valium.

Great!
Another show-business tranquiliser.

Hey, did anybody read on the front page
of the "Times" that matter is decaying?

Am I the only one that saw that?
The universe is gradually breaking down.

There's not gonna be anything left.

I'm not talking about
my stupid little films here.

Eventually there's not gonna be
any Beethoven or Shakespeare or...

(Assistant) Go to the seashore.
(Manager) Have a nice weekend.

- (Sandy) Great!
- (Door closes)

(♪ Swing jazz music)

(Dorrie) What are you thinking about
when you look out there?

Just, you know, all those people and...

You know, how unhappy
most of them are and...

Those terrible things they do
to each other and, you know...

Everything's over so quickly,

and you don't have any idea
of was it worth it or not.

Is there any way I can cheer you up?

No, there's...
What do you have in mind?

- Hmm, you smell nice.
- Yeah?

That aftershave, it just made
my whole childhood come back

with a sudden Proustian rush.

That's cos I'm wearing
Proustian Rush by Chanel.

It's reduced, so I got a vat of it.

Listen, why don't I just run down
and get some food,

and we'll stay in tonight and I'll cook?

The last time you cooked,
the kitchen looked like Hiroshima.

Yeah, we had a good time.

I could do my mother's recipe for
Filet de boeuf fourré Périgourdine.

I could do sweet potato rum casserole.

Yeah? No beverage?

I think they've been putting
something wonderful in your lithium.

I've stopped taking the lithium.

Oh, Jesus, you're kidding!

Dorrie, that's not a good idea.

You know, you can't just go
on and off it like that.

- I don't think it does much good.
- You're wrong, cos I notice a difference.

You know, you can't...

It's a pain to keep getting
my blood checked.

- I'm sure it is.
- I feel heavy, and...

But, you know, it's better for you.

You know, it's not a good thing
to just go... Really.

You are the best kisser.

That was my major in college.

(Maid screams)

Mr Bates!
Mr Bates, come here at once!

- Please, Mr Bates, the stove's on fire!
- What's the matter with you?

- Put it out!
- Will you stop being so hysterical?

Every night it's a fire.

You don't know how
to work the stove yet?

- I worked it perfectly.
- For God's sake.

You do nothing but start fires here.
Be careful.

(Screams)

Jesus. It's a simple stove!

And every night
you set the apartment on fire!

(Screams)

- Maybe it's defective.
- All right, relax. And no rabbit.

How many times have I told you?
No rabbit.

I thought you only meant
just that one time.

No. Never! I never want rabbit.
I don't eat rodent.

- I understand now.
- You understand that?

It's fur bearing. Never rabbit.

You never want rabbit.
Now that's clear.

Everybody is just ecstatic
that you're here this weekend.

The turnout is tremendous.

And these film culture weekends
are just absolutely fantastic.

They are getting so popular.

You're gonna love
our screening facilities.

When I had my Orson Welles weekend
here, you know what he told me?

He said that I had the best sound
and projection system he'd ever seen.

Bar none. Believe it or not, he did.
That's what... Oh!

This is Mr Payson, our chairman,
and Mrs Payson. They adore you.

We love your work.
My wife has seen all your films.

I especially like your early, funny ones.

Dick Lobel.
I'm with the museum film department.

We have a collection
of more than 20,000 prints.

This is my friend Libby.
She thinks you're a genius.

Libby just did a definitive
cinematic study of Gummo Marx.

Interestingly, he's the one Marx brother
that never made any movies.

Hello. A pleasure to have you here.

You're the best.
Your work's fantastic.

Here. Read this.

- I think you're absolutely magnificent.
- You're really intense.

We love you!

(Sandy) Hello, Isobel?

Isobel, I'm up here.
Jeez, I'm going crazy.

Do you think you can get up here?
Well, I miss you.

In English. Speak to me in English.

Your English is perfect. Don't worry.

What's the matter? You sound...

You want me to call you back?
Can you not talk?

All right, I'll call you back.

♪ Three little words

♪ Oh, what I'd give
for that wonderful phrase

♪ To hear those three little words

♪ That's all I'd live
for the rest of my days

♪ And what I feel in my heart
they tell sincerely

♪ No other words can tell it
half so clearly

♪ Three little words,
eight little letters

♪ Which simply mean
I love you ♪

What were you trying to say
in this picture?

I was just trying to be funny.

(Laughter)

Do you find it very hard
to direct yourself?

Er...hard? No.
No, I just have to resist the temptation

to give myself
too many extreme close-ups.

(Laughter)

Have you studied filmmaking in school?

No, no, I didn't study anything in school.
They studied me.

I understand
you studied philosophy at school.

No, that's not true. I did take...

I took one course in existential philosophy
at New York University.

And on the final,
they gave me ten questions,

and I couldn't answer
a single one of them, you know.

I left them all blank. I got a hundred.

Oh, you are marvellous, a genius...

Good questions. Didn't you think so?

You handled them beautifully.
You're a genius!

One of the most intelligent films
I've seen in many years.

- Can I get a photo, Mr Bates?
- There he is.

Hi! I just think you're great,
and I just wanted to give you this record.

I'm with the Tuberculosis Association.

- We're doing a benefit...
- There you are. There you are.

Mr Bates! Mr Bates, may I have
your autograph, please?

If I could just have 10 minutes,
I'd like to ask you a couple of questions.

Sure.

I'm doing this piece on the shallow
indifference of wealthy celebrities.

And I'd like to include you.
I'd like to include you in my piece.

I'm starving.

Sandy, there's a phone call for you.
Let me show you where the phone is.

I'm Dr Paul Pearlman.

I did a paper on you and your films
at a psychiatric convention.

Oh, really?

It was very well received,
you'll be happy to know.

Glad to hear that.

For my own records, tell me,

have you ever had intercourse
with any type of animal?

With an animal? No...
Hello?

- Yeah?
- Very good.

- Thank you very much.
- Keep up the good work, and good luck.

- No, I don't think that's fair.
- Can I have a picture of you?

Over here, Mr Bates. Thank you so much.
One picture. One more picture.

I don't want him to touch the film.

Tell him to come up here tomorrow
and we'll talk about it.

They can't recut my film.

My name is Claire Schaeffer.

I do work with the blind, and we have
a celebrity auction this month.

If you could donate something,
like an ashtray or...

Sure. No problem at all.

Somebody told me you wear a truss.
An old truss would just be wonderful.

- No, I don't wear a truss.
- Thank you very much.

We went to Israel,
and they love you there.

They're just crazy about you!
Shalom!

- I'm Jack Abel.
- Hi, how are you?

- I teach screenwriting at Columbia.
- What is this?

If I could get you to lecture
to my students, you'd make me a hero.

I'm not the type that lectures.

For your enjoyment,
with my genuine affection.

I really appreciate it.
It's exactly what I need.

People are always telling me
how much we look alike.

I can see that.

If you could take my name,
maybe next time you do a...

- This is a real madhouse!
- I have a suggestive item of food.

Daisy and I were gonna go
grab a beer.

- If you'd like to come, we'd love it.
- Oh, God, I would love it.

Would you?
There's a little roadside place...

This is unbelievable.
I don't know what's going on.

Can I talk to you about an idea
for a film I have...

- This is not the place. Really.
- Do you have a moment?

It's a comedy based on that
whole Guyana mass-suicide thing.

Sandy, this is what I did
in vaudeville years ago!

♪ Give me the spotlight,
give me the stage

♪ And leave the rest to me

♪ Give me a hat and cane,
an old refrain, a sweet melody

♪ And so I dream of old Brazil

♪ Where hearts
were entertaining June

♪ We stood beneath
an amber moon

♪ And softly murmured,
"Someday soon"

♪ We kissed and clung together

♪ Then, tomorrow was another day... ♪

Comedy is hostility.

- Hmm.
- It's rage.

I don't have to give you
that clichéd speech.

What is it that the comedian says
when his jokes are going well?

"I murdered that audience. I killed them.
They screamed. I broke them up."

So what are you saying?

You're saying that someone like myself,

or Laurel and Hardy or Bob Hope
are furious?

Furious, or latent homosexual.

- It's hidden behind the jokes.
- I can't speak for those guys, but...

- Jack!
- We're only theorising.

What do you do, Daisy?
Are you a teacher, too?

- No. No, I don't...
- She's a brilliant violinist.

- Really? Is that so?
- That's an exaggeration.

- Really?
- She's with the philharmonic.

- That's very impressive.
- Well, I sit way in the back...

- Get you some Camels?
- Yeah, thanks.

Excuse me.

So can I ask you a question?

Is it my imagination,

or have you been kind
of looking at me all night?

- I mean, tell me if I'm wrong.
- Does it bother you?

No, no, no, I mean,
I was just wondering, you know...

I've never seen such a sexy
classical violinist before. I mean it.

Usually they're escaped Hungarians.

No, I'm from Winnetka, Illinois.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Funny, cos you remind me
of somebody.

It's the strangest thing.

- Yeah?
- Hm... Yeah.

It's not that you look like her
or anything.

It's just that there's some kind
of odd sense that I have.

Really?

(Host) And now, the Brooklyn Boys' Club
is happy to present "The Amazing Sandy".

(Applause)

(Crowd gasp)

Incredible.

- Extraordinario. Divino.
- È vero, è magnifico.

The boy's a natural.
I've never seen anything like it.

A born magician.

He should be. He sits in his room
alone and practises for hours.

(Man) Sure he's not doing
something else?

Oh, he does that, too.

I found these pictures hidden
in his drawer.

(Laughter)

It causes him great guilt.
I don't know if I can ever cure him.

I've been treating him
for years already.

(Gasps and applause)

Thanks for a nice time.
I'll see you guys.

See you around. Good night.

Hey, Sandy. Sandy.

I hate to hassle you or anything,
but I just... I got to tell you, I love you.

- I mean, I love your work.
- Thank you.

I'm an actor. Right now I'm working
as a busboy, but really I am an actor.

I don't wanna bug you or anything,
I just wanted to give you a picture.

- You should mail this to my office.
- Here's a composite I have of myself.

- You should send this stuff to my office.
- And a résumé.

I'm gonna go to sleep now,
so if you just...

Just a second. I can give you...

Here's some reviews, some of the things
the critics have said about me.

- That's from "The Jersey Journal".
- That's great.

Here's me as Tevye in "Fiddler
on the Roof". I did that in high school.

- Did you? Did you?
- Let's see. Here's a résumé.

That's where I did Ensign Pulver.
I worked in regional theatre.

Ensign Pulver in "Mister Roberts", there.

(Sandy) Hey, I'm crazy about you.

You don't even know who I am.

Yeah, but I've just been
looking at you all morning.

I got to tell you, you're incredibly
beautiful, whoever you are.

Yeah, it's true, I am.
I guess I'm a little on the beautiful side.

Yeah, and you're real interesting.

I've been watching you all morning,
just sitting off by yourself and reading.

You got a real strange quality.

Go on, keep going.
You're getting through.

- Yeah. How long you been acting?
- I guess I'm always acting.

Yeah?

- Can I sit next to you?
- Sure. Be my guest.

Yeah? So tell me about yourself.
Who are you?

Give me a lot of personal information
immediately cos...

Don't hold anything back.
Are you married, living with somebody?

I'm fascinating, but I'm trouble.

- Trouble?
- Yeah.

Yeah? You said the right thing.

So, are you free for dinner or what?
What are your plans later?

Don't feel obligated to say yes
because I'm the director of the film.

I mean, this is a big coup for me.

I'm a nobody with a one-line part,
and I managed to impress you

just by sitting around
speed-reading Schopenhauer.

You understand any of that stuff?

No. But I can fake my way
through most situations.

Well, I got to tell you,
I'm fatally attracted to you,

so don't blow it,
because, you know...

Well, I'll do my best,
and it hasn't failed me yet.

(Dorrie) Your spaghetti could've used
another 20 minutes.

(Sandy) You said al dente.
I was giving you my best shot here.

- Al dente? That was so crispy.
- Didn't want a limp noodle, did you?

You want my spaghetti
with nice Czechoslovakian sauce.

- That's my specialty.
- I suppose it's different.

Yeah.
A congealed, disgusting spaghetti.

- Where d'you learn so much about wine?
- My father's an expert.

Her father! This is incredible.
What is this guy not an expert in?

He's a tennis player and an antique
connoisseur and a wine expert,

and he's probably gorgeous, right, with
greying temples and the aquiline profile.

A great-looking man.

Whenever Mother was away in her
sanitarium, the ladies flocked around him.

And what about you? Tell me.
Did you have a little crush on him?

You can admit this to me, if you like.

- Sure. We had a little flirt.
- A little, small flirt?

Mother away getting shock treatment
and the only beautiful daughter home.

Long, lingering breakfasts with Dad?

- Getting nauseating?
- No competition for my mother.

She was very beautiful.

- Your mother?
- That's nice. Yeah.

- Your back is really knotted up.
- I know. It's very tense.

Jesus. What was your mother
diagnosed as? Schizophrenic or...?

She was schizophrenic,
she was depressive...

I see, the full complement of nasties.

Funny, cos in my family, nobody
ever committed suicide.

This was just not a middle-class
alternative, you know?

My mother was too busy
running the boiled chicken

through the deflavourising machine

to think about shooting herself
or anything.

God. So did you always
want to be an actress?

No. I'm not really an actress.

You're good, Dorrie. You have a...

You have a real interesting
quality on the screen.

- You're just saying that.
- No, you're wrong.

It's not so.
You have a real charming quality.

You got a real... You're a natural.

I'm a natural at everything I do,

then I wind up
not being able to do anything.

No, you're wrong. You've got real,
genuine charisma on the screen.

It's true. You're sexy.

You've got no confidence, of course,

but you got a real charming quality
on the screen.

- What was that? What was that?
- A pigeon.

- Hey, that's pretty. A pigeon.
- No. It's not pretty at all.

- They're wonderful.
- They're rats with wings.

No, it's probably a good omen.
It'll bring us good luck.

Get it out of here. It's probably
one of those killer pigeons!

Get something for it to eat. We can
coax it down. What are you doing?

Wait. Wait!

You see, it's got a swastika
under its wing.

Stop that.

I just wanna guide it
out of the apartment.

Jeez! I don't want a winged thing
in my house.

We can keep it.

Oh, I'm sorry. Forgive me.
I'm in the wrong room.

No, no, you're right.
This is your room. Isn't this fun?

I tipped the porter so I could meet you.

Oh, Jesus, you're kidding.
You're telling me they let you in here?

- Well, I know, you get this all the time.
- No, I don't.

But, you know, I have a psychic,
and I asked her about you,

and she told me that
we were destined to make it together.

Look, whoever you are,
please, I'm tired. Go away.

I won't stay over.

I just know you're a Sagittarius,

and Sagittarians get along really well
with Pisces, cos I'm a Pisces.

- And I just think that...
- Will you get out of the bed, please?

Well, wait, here. And I drove all the way
from Bridgeport to make it with you.

Yeah? What is this,
the traditional brownies with hash?

No. Here's the hash on the side
cos I didn't know how much you took.

What is it, hollandaise sauce?
What do you mean, how much I took?

You got in a car
and you drove a long distance

to go through mechanical sex
with a stranger?

- My husband drove me. We have a van.
- Your husband? You're kidding.

Is your husband here?

He would be so honoured
if I could tell him that we made it.

He's a great fan of yours.

- He's got all your albums.
- I'm sure.

He sees every movie.
He talks about you all the time.

- You're one of his heroes.
- Yeah. He's not insanely jealous?

No. We never have any problems
with that.

And exactly where is your husband
right now?

Well, he's sleeping in the van downstairs.

Hey, look, I don't feel that well.
I'm tired.

I don't wanna go through
an empty experience.

Listen, empty sex is better
than no sex, right?

Come on, don't be so angry.

(Announcer) 'We interrupt this program
to bring you a special bulletin.

'Sydney Finklestein's hostility
has escaped.

'Finklestein, a short man with glasses,

'told police that he has been fighting
to hold his anger in for years,

'and is very embarrassed that
it broke loose while he napped.

'Police are combing the countryside
and warn all citizens to stay indoors.'

Oh, my God, look.
That's my schoolteacher, Miss Reilly.

Oh, Jeez. Look, that's my ex-wife
and her alimony lawyer.

And my brother Alvin.

He was the one that
they taught to speak up.

He'd always come downstairs and recite.

Look. That's my mother.

(Screams)

(Roars)

Please. We don't wanna hurt you.
We wanna reason with you.

I'm a psychoanalyst. This is my pipe.

I want to help you.

Your films are always
psychological, never political.

- Where do you stand politically?
- What can I say to that?

I'm for total, honest democracy.

And I also believe
the American system can work.

(Laughter)

A lot of people have accused you
of being narcissistic...

I know, people think I'm egotistical
and narcissistic, but it's not true.

As a matter of fact,

if I did identify with a Greek mythological
character, it would not be Narcissus.

- (Man) Who would it be?
- Zeus.

(Raucous laughter)

- Mr Bates, I'm with the Cancer Society.
- Right.

It would mean so much to so many
people if you could appear at our benefit...

I would be glad to. Call me when I get
back into town. I do it all the time.

Really.

Did you know Russian scientists are
forcibly detained in insane asylums?

Yeah, I'm on a committee for that.
So I've signed petitions and all that stuff.

Would you sign this autograph
for my wife?

- Oh, yeah. Sure.
- Sandy Brockman from Flatbush Ave.

- To Hilda.
- Jerry Abraham.

- We went to school together, right?
- I know. I remember you.

You dressed as Superman,
you tried to fly.

- I remember.
- I know you're busy. When can we talk?

- I'll be here all weekend.
- OK, take care.

- What is this?
- Don't read it now. Wait until later.

My son wrote it. It's perfect for you.
It's a spoof on jockeys.

- On jockeys?
- Yes, a spoof on little jockeys.

- That sounds great.
- Yeah. Call. Call, OK?

Sandy! Can I have your autograph?

Oh, sure. There you go.

- I was a caesarean.
- Oh. That's great.

Isobel. My God,
what are you doing here?

- But you called me. You were lonely.
- I know. But what a surprise!

What a treat!

Oh, Jesus.

Sandy?

- Sandy? I really loved your last film.
- Oh, thank you.

J'ai quelque chose
de très important à te dire.

In English. I had a very erotic dream
about you last night.

I hope you brought your little
tiny white cotton socks that I like...

Listen, I left my husband.

Really?

He knew I was having an affair
and I did not want to lie to him.

I'm stunned.

- That makes you nervous, no?
- No, no, no. I'm not nervous.

I'm just so... I just...
I know we talked about it...

Sandy, I knitted this sweater
for you myself.

- Thanks very much.
- You don't have...

- I just didn't think it'd happen.
- You don't have to worry about it.

- No, I'm not worried about it.
- I'm just going to take care of myself.

You know, what does that mean?

- We've seen all your films.
- They suck!

- They're terrific.
- Because I know your face.

I know you are going to be sick.

I'm not going to be sick.
I'm just so stunned.

I can't... You know, we discussed it
and I... And I...

I think I'm going to stay in a hotel
and find an apartment.

Honey, you're not staying in a hotel.

The whole point was that you would
leave your husband and stay with me,

that we would live together or marry,
but be together.

- Can I have your autograph?
- That's the point of it.

You're not gonna stay at a hotel.

- No, I...
- That's ridiculous.

No, I think it would be OK
if it is like that.

We could marry,
but there is no pressure.

I don't feel pressure. You know, I...

It's funny. I had salmon for breakfast,
you know, and I feel nauseous a little bit.

You know, they never serve it fresh.

I just brought up a wonderful bottle
of wine and my white socks.

You know, the ones you like.

Isobel. Gee, I feel like such a fool.

Excuse me, Mr Bates,
could I have your autograph?

I've seen all of your films.
You're a master of despair.

- Such a touch of Kafka.
- You know, I feel sick.

Can you give me 15 minutes?

I will have a bath,
and you will come to the room.

- What about the children?
- They are OK. They will come tomorrow.

(Sandy) Hi.

- Hi.
- What are you doing here?

I just came in to be alone
for a minute, to think.

- What are you doing here?
- That's exactly what I was doing.

- I was just sitting around thinking...
- What are you thinking about?

Me? Well, I was thinking about,
should I change my movie?

Should I change my life? You know,
all kinds of, you know, serious...

- Yeah?
- What a surprise.

You know,
I had a dream about you last night.

- Did you?
- Yeah.

- What did you dream?
- I can't tell you.

- No, come on.
- No. It was really embarrassing.

- Really? Was it one of those?
- Yeah, really. It was.

God, that's terrible.

If I get to know you better,
I'll tell you, but I can't now.

- Can I have your autograph?
- You're kidding.

- What do you guys do?
- Me, too.

- Follow me around?
- We think you're so sexy.

I'm sexy? They think I'm sexy.

- Come on, Dorrie.
- Don't lie to me. You're attracted to her.

I'm not attracted to her.
What are you talking about?

Staring at her all through dinner.
Giving each other looks.

- Stop it. She's 14 years old.
- Don't you think I see it?

She's not even 14,
she's 13-and-a-half.

I used to play those games
with my father, so I know.

- I've been through all that.
- What kind of games?

You think I'm flirting
with your kid cousin?

- You can't take your eyes off her!
- She was sitting opposite me.

- You smile at her!
- I smile at her. I'm a friendly person.

What do you want? She's a kid.
This is stupid!

Don't tell me it's stupid!

I used to do that with my father, across
the table, all those private jokes. I know.

What private jokes?
We were talking about movies.

She likes funny movies,
so we were discussing it.

What? Hey, what's the matter with you?

Dorrie, what's the matter with you?
You're nuts.

You know how ridiculous this sounds?
What are you saying?

That I'm flirting with your kid cousin?

I mean, doesn't that sound...
That's absurd.

Come on.

- Oh, my God!
- (Sandy) I was in the neighbourhood.

- I had to say hello.
- Why didn't you call me?

- I'm appearing right near here...
- What a surprise? Come on in.

- This is Isobel, this is my sister.
- Hello, Isobel.

Oh, my God! Sam's gonna die.
Come on in.

Girls! My brother!
Do you believe this?

- (Sandy) What are you shouting for?
- My brother Sam. We're relaxed.

(Sandy) Did I come at a bad time?

No, you didn't come at a bad time.
We're all doing yoga. We're all relaxed.

You know everybody.
You know Irene.

- (Sandy) What happened, Irene?
- It's so ironic. Look at her face.

We moved here to get away from the
crime and garbage, and look at this face.

Someone broke into her house last week,
they robbed her, they raped her...

(Sandy) In the suburbs?

Isobel, they raped her
over and over again.

- They tied her to the bed.
- Horrible. With my scarf.

- (Sandy) Really?
- I didn't even resist.

(Sandy) I'm sure you didn't resist.
Knowing you, Irene, you...

How about a drink?
Isobel? Coffee? Tea?

Sandy, you gotta go see Sam.

- He's in the bedroom and he's meditating.
- I will. I'll see Sam.

- Hi. Would you please?
- Don't bother him.

- To Kevin and Mendel.
- Kevin and Mendel?

- What are they, children?
- They're my children.

(Bicycle bell ringing)

I had two heart attacks
before I got the bicycle.

- (Sandy) And since then?
- I also had two.

(Bell ringing)

This is us when we used to go
to the seashore every summer.

- This is Sandy?
- That's Sandy.

- And you. Where are you?
- That's me, the baby.

- Nice baby.
- Yeah. My father stayed in the city.

I think he fooled around.
There he is.

- And your mother?
- That's my mother.

They were always fighting,
always screaming at each other.

Once the police had to come.
Here's Sandy in the Hebrew school play.

Oh, my God,
I haven't seen this picture in ages.

- He's so cute.
- Yeah, glasses, skinny.

- Look how skinny he was.
- Oh, yeah.

(Sister) 'Remember how you got
into that fight? Awful.'

(Sandy) 'Well, I always resented
Abraham being so willing to kill his son.

'I'm still bothered by it.'

(Sister) 'I think it was jealousy.
You wanted the part of God.'

- Oh, she's a lovely girl.
- I know. She's wonderful.

- Are you gonna get married?
- I guess. You know, I suppose.

What do you mean, you guess?
Yes or no?

I mean, you know, that looks like
the direction we're heading in.

- Are you in love with each other?
- Yeah, I suppose so.

You know, I don't know what to say,
because it's a package deal.

I get a wife. I get a French wife
and I get two kids, overnight.

- Yeah?
- The question is do I want that?

I like the idea she's French.
That I find romantic.

But do I want to have two kids suddenly?
And, you know...

- Oh, kids are nice, Sandy.
- I know, but you have to...

Of course, I never hear
from my two older ones.

- It's such a terrible...
- You still haven't heard anything at all?

They're 13 and 14.
They hitchhiked to Texas.

- I know.
- I had the police.

- I don't know their whereabouts.
- So they can't find any trace?

The youngest one is selling stolen
cameras. I'm worried. I'm worried.

- Take it easy.
- Yeah...

Well, Sam doesn't wanna know about it.

He keeps having heart attacks.
He never gets off the bike.

- Do you hear from our parents at all?
- Yeah. You know, they sit in Miami.

- Dad's gonna be 80.
- That's amazing. Amazing.

Good shape.
Mom's blind in one eye, deaf in one ear.

I hope the same side of the head, right?
Because that's important. So she's even.

- Don't make jokes.
- She should be even at that age.

- I miss you. I never...
- (Bell ringing)

Sam! That's enough with that bell!

I bought him a bell for Christmas
and I never hear the end of it!

(Sandy) So I send money
to Miami all the time,

but I don't know what else I can do
for our parents.

(Sister) You're good like that.
You keep up.

You know, I like your sister.
She's very nice.

She's a little screwed up.

- She's very funny.
- She is.

When you told her that
you had been a leftist, you know,

and that you had been in jail,
her mouth was hanging open.

She's intensely middle-class,
you know.

I find that extremely difficult to swallow,
even now.

But I told you, things were
very different in this time, in '68.

I know they were different,

but I can't see you standing in
the streets throwing rocks and bottles.

I don't have that image of you.
You're too sweet to ever think of...

- Because we had to.
- (Siren wailing)

It was the only way to change the spirit
of relationships between people.

George, you're going too slow.
They're gonna get you.

I know, but it's just such an odd thing.

I can never picture you just hanging
in there with the workers and storming...

The workers were not with us.

They were fighting for their own salaries
and own conditions of life.

Yes. And so...

And we were fighting
for the spirit of the things and for...

Maybe we were romantic.

- They thought we were romantic...
- (Sandy) Yes.

I remember, when I was in jail,
I thought it was so romantic.

Oh, terrific. You met a lot
of interesting men in jail?

You know, men and women
are separated in jail.

I find it very, very difficult
to have a commitment like that.

I feel to survive in life, you wanna
stay loose, you wanna keep flexible.

What the hell is going on out there?
What are they...

- Hey, what's going on?
- Mr Bates, how are you?

- I've always enjoyed your films.
- Thanks very much. What's he done?

- Well, I've got a warrant for his arrest.
- You're kidding!

- For what?
- Out of Pennsylvania.

- It's for mail fraud.
- Mail fraud? My chauffeur?

Listen, do you have a licence?

- Can you drive this car?
- I can drive it if I have to.

- Are you gonna take him down?
- I have to. I'm sorry.

- Are you sure you got the right guy?
- Yes, I do.

By the way, Mr Bates,
the next time you do a film,

how about doing one
about a police sergeant?

- Jesus!
- I got a great story to tell you, OK?

He's booking my driver for mail fraud,
if you can believe that.

(Assistant) Really? You're kidding.
Oh, that doesn't make sense.

I checked every reference,
they're impeccable.

(Sandy) How can they be impeccable?
I had six chauffeurs in two years.

You get me drunks,
guys who can't understand English.

One guy ran over an old lady
with me in the car,

and now this guy's wanted for mail fraud.

Would you sign my left breast?

(Assistant) By the way,
Dr Melnikoff called.

He said you should stop using
that shampoo solution

he gave you to rub in your hair.

He says they just found out
it causes skin cancer.

He's had me on it for nine months.
Now he tells me it causes skin cancer?

Ed Rich. I'm with the New York City
Landmarks Committee.

- We're having a fundraiser next month.
- (Sandy) I'll be glad to come.

- Call me when I get to town.
- It's a wonderful cause.

- To preserve old buildings.
- I'm sure.

Call me when I get back to town.
I'll be happy to make it. Really.

- Oh. OK. Fine. Thank you.
- And cheer up.

(♪ Jazz music)

(Sandy) What is that?

What the hell is that?
That's the silliest thing I've ever seen.

What is that?

Those people that are marching
in the background.

Those are all the people from the train
that wind up in the garbage dump.

What the hell are they doing here?

They wind up in Jazz Heaven.
It's commercial, it's upbeat.

It's upbeat, it's commercial.

- It's stupid.
- I thought you'd like it, Sandy.

You love jazz.

Who is this guy anyhow
to rewrite the end of my movie?

And since when
are all these guys involved?

These are the new heads
of the studio.

What do you mean? Every six months
I meet a new group of studio heads.

It's very disconcerting to me, too,

but, you know, the mortality rate
in this business is unbelievable.

I'll say. It's like the Black Plague.
Jesus!

I think you're wonderful.
Can I have your autograph?

I don't want anybody going
to Jazz Heaven.

That's a nitwit idea.

You know, the whole point of the movie
is that nobody is saved.

Sandy, this is an Easter film.
We don't need a movie by an atheist.

To you, I'm an atheist.
To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

Ha, Jesus!

I'm your biggest fan.
I think you're terrific.

- Thank you.
- His public adores him.

Yeah, today they adore you,
and tomorrow it's one of these.

(Writer) He's paranoid.
(Executive) You're being a little paranoid.

No, you know what I'm being?
I'm being realistic.

- That's why you don't like the movie.
- It's not a matter of what I like.

Listen, I've been on this side
of the business for four years now.

Too much reality is not
what the people want.

(Sandy) Jazz Heaven! That is
the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

You can't control life.
It doesn't wind up perfectly.

Only art you can control.
Art and masturbation.

Two areas in which
I am an absolute expert.

- I feel very tired.
- (Sandy) Yeah?

Isobel, I want you to come
and live with me.

- Can we not talk about it tonight?
- No, I wanna talk about it.

I've been thinking about it all day.
You know...

I was just very, very surprised before,
that's all.

But when I think it over,
it's a very, very important thing to me.

- You know, you don't have to say that.
- I know I don't have to say it.

But I feel that way. I have very, very
complicated feelings towards you.

I like to be with you and
I don't want to screw up this relationship.

You know that I love you,
I trust you, you know.

You're one of the few people
that I really have fun with.

Gee, if it wasn't for you this past year,
I'd have been absolutely, you know...

What are you doing?
I'm pouring my heart out here

and you're behaving
like a crazy person.

Isobel, will you stop that for a minute?

Yes, but I'm just doing my exercise.

Yes. But this is important,
what I'm saying.

- Can you...?
- Yes, but my exercise, too.

- Yes. I know, but...
- I need it for my muscle.

- You look like you're having a fit.
- No, I'm not.

Isobel. Isobel, I'm serious.
I want you to move in with me.

I'm serious.

I think that you should live with me

and I think we would have
a lot of fun together.

- I'm not sure about anything, you know?
- What do you mean?

I'm just thinking of it.
It's such a big decision for me, too.

I know it's a big decision
for you, too.

It wasn't so easy to leave my husband,
and now to think of the children...

It's good that you left
your husband, though.

- I think it's a good thing.
- Yes, I'm sure of it, too.

But I'm not sure about the rest,
you know.

It frightens me, too.

I think we have to think about it.

I see. So now that I feel
that you should live with me,

now, all of a sudden,
you feel differently, right?

But it is not so clear.

But don't you see?
To me, you may be the perfect woman.

You're mad. You're a respected,
well-known, established New York doctor.

How could you get involved
in something like this?

But I've never been able to fall in love.

I've never been able
to find the perfect woman.

There's always something wrong.
And then I met Doris.

A wonderful woman, great personality.

But, for some reason, I'm just not turned
on sexually by her. Don't ask me why.

And then I met Rita. An animal.
Nasty, mean, trouble.

And I love going to bed with her.

Though afterward, I always wished
that I was back with Doris.

Then I thought to myself, if only
I could put Doris's brain in Rita's body.

Wouldn't that be wonderful?

And I thought, why not?
What the hell? I'm a surgeon.

Surgeon? Where'd you study medicine,
in Transylvania?

So I performed the operation
and everything went perfectly.

I switched their personalities and I took
all the badness and put it over there,

and I made Rita into a warm,
wonderful, charming, sexy, sweet,

giving, mature woman.

And then I fell in love with Doris.

Do you really feel there's such a thing
as a perfect mate?

I mean, don't you think the basis of any
mature relationship is really compromise?

I think any relationship is not based

on either compromise or maturity
or perfection or any of that.

It's really based on luck.
You know, that's the key thing.

People don't like to acknowledge that,
because it means a loss of control,

but you really have to be lucky.

(Man) I have a question for Mr Roberts.

Was the scene between you
and Sandy Bates at the wax museum

a homage to Vincent Price's
horror movie "The House of Wax"?

An homage? Not exactly.
We just stole the idea outright.

(Laughter)

You set things up
so you can play a little golf,

you get a little poon,
you smoke some good grass...

- Yeah, keep going.
- And that's what life's about.

- It's shallow. It's shallow.
- (Tony) Shallow?

Did you see the shallow girl
that I'm with?

- No, I haven't.
- "Playboy" centrefold.

- Perfect. You met her in a hot tub, right?
- She's a lovely girl. She's very healthy.

- Into massage, right?
- She won't eat meat, sweets.

- Just amphetamines.
- Yeah, exactly.

(Tony) You don't make such good picks.
A lot of your picks left a lot to be desired.

(Sandy) Like what? Like Dorrie?
Dorrie was fabulous.

- Dorrie was a loony.
- Dorrie was great.

- She was bright, she was quick...
- She was bright, there's no question.

Yeah. She had a perfect personality.

She was completely self-conscious
out of bed,

and when you got her in bed
she was completely unselfconscious.

It's a perfect balance.

Yeah, she could be very fine
and funny and bright

and wonderful
two days a month.

- The other 28, she was lost.
- But what a two days, let me tell you.

When she was on, she was a 10.
She was dynamite.

(Tony) 'Remember when we went
to that place with the pipes?'

(Sandy) 'Her photography period.
That was hilarious.'

- (Tony) 'You bought her a camera.'
- 'She kept hinting for a camera.'

(Tony) 'And graphics,
that's all she talked about.'

(Sandy) 'She was obsessed.
Well, you like to pose for pictures.

'You were in all your hammy glory.'

(Tony) 'I wanted to go hear jazz and
you wanted to go home and rehearse.'

(Sandy) 'We're artists.
We had work to do that night.'

(Tony) 'I can imagine.'

Hey, Sandy. Jerry Abraham.
Remember me? We grew up together.

Of course. You asked me this
the other day. Why should I forget you?

Well, people grow up, they become
big hotshots, they forget.

- We played stickball together, right?
- Yeah. We went to Hebrew school, too.

- So what are you doing?
- Know what I do now? I drive a cab.

You look good.
There's nothing wrong with that.

Yeah, but look at me
compared to you.

- Jesus!
- All those beautiful broads.

- That's great.
- What do you want me to say?

I was the kid in the neighbourhood
that told the jokes, right?

So we live in a society that puts
a big value on jokes, you know?

Think of it this way.

If I had been an Apache Indian,
they didn't need comedians at all, right?

- So I'd be out of work.
- Oh, come on.

That doesn't help me feel better,
you know.

I don't know what to say.
I got such a headache.

It's luck. It's all luck.
I was lucky.

I'm the first to admit
I was a lucky bum.

If I was not born in Brooklyn,
if I had been born in Poland or Berlin,

I'd be a lampshade today, right?

It could happen just like that.

So, you know, be thankful
that you're not Nat Bernstein.

- Nat Bernstein?
- Yeah, wasted away.

Incurable disease.

- It was absolutely terrible.
- Oh, wow.

Well, yes, of course, Harvey.
No, I understand that. Of course.

The point is, it's immoral for them
to touch the end of my film.

Jesus.
Well, I don't know what to say.

So then we'll sue them.

Can you call me back later this afternoon
at the hotel and find out?

Well, yes, I'll be...
Later this afternoon.

OK, OK.

(Daisy) The thing is,
I'm kind of crazy right now.

I just don't seem to be able
to sleep, you know?

I have to do some practising
on the violin,

cos I got to go back to the philharmonic
in a couple of weeks.

But, you know...

Last night I had a migraine,
and so I took some Darvon,

and that made me so nervous
that I took 40mgs of Valium, you know.

And then I still couldn't sleep.
I was up all night.

Yeah, well...

Well, I got a message on my service
that Sarah called.

Yeah, I know. I haven't talked to her
in about a year.

And I got upset, I started eating.

I ate a pound of cookies last night.

Yeah, I'm really fat. Really fat.

Jack was so sweet about it.

No, he doesn't know
about my relationship with her.

He knows that we lived together
in Israel, but he doesn't know the...

He was so affectionate
last night in bed.

You know, he wanted...

I told him I had herpes.

Yeah. No, take the call. I'll hold on.

No, I'll hold on a second.

I don't like the idea of your kids
riding on the train alone.

They'll be OK, I'm sure.

Who knows what goes on
in those things?

There's a lot of weird people out there.
A lot of perverts and crazies.

They're liable to get molested
or robbed.

Not my children!
Maybe the other way around.

If I knew exactly when they're coming,
my chauffeur could've picked them up.

He could've broken out of jail
and got them.

- (Man) Are you Sandy Bates?
- No.

- The kids'll probably be starved.
- (Man) Yes, you are.

(Sandy) No, no, no.

(Man) My mother buys meat
in the same butcher's your mother does.

(Sandy) Great.
(Man) Can I have your autograph?

(Sandy) Oh, jeez!

(Man) Could you write,
"To Phyllis Weinstein,

"you unfaithful, lying bitch"?

(Isobel speaks French)

OK, OK.

We can sit by the window.
It'll be nice.

(Isobel's daughter speaks French)

We'll sit by the window
and have a nice time.

Don't attract attention.
Don't attract too much attention.

OK, OK.

Uncle Sandy...
Can I put you down first?

Heavy kid! Jeez, she's really heavy.

Uncle Sandy...

(Speaking French)

We don't want to attract
too much attention.

(Isobel's daughter yells)

Blonde kids.

(Yelling in French)

- Shh! Shh!
- Ice cream!

- Thank you.
- Happy birthday, boy.

You didn't have to do that.

Wow!

- What are you thinking about?
- (Sandy) I'm knocked out by this.

You know,
you really didn't have to do this.

- I never forget a birthday.
- This is so great.

But how did you know
it's exactly what I wanted?

- You always wanted to learn.
- Yeah...

Will this play
the Mozart Flute Concerto?

- You have to do that.
- I have to do it? You mean it doesn't...

Oh, Dorrie, this is a big day
for me here.

"The Way of Zen",
what are you trying to tell me?

That I'm not at peace, right?
I think I need more than a Zen book.

I need either a good rabbi analyst
or interplanetary genius to...

What is that?
Oh, Dorrie, what...

Unbelievable. How did you get that?
I thought the museum was gonna buy it.

- Yeah, well, I knew you loved it.
- This must've cost you a fortune.

How could you do that?
It's so extravagant.

That's... Gee, I...

You got nothing else for me?
I mean, just three?

When I was a kid, the thing that
I always wanted was an elephant.

I could never convince
my mother to get one for me.

- (Isobel) I'd have got you an elephant.
- Yeah, but where were you?

- Hey, look who it is.
- Hey, hi.

- Hi, you guys.
- Hi, Sandy.

This is Isobel.
And this is Daisy and Jack.

We were just at the train station.
Her kids just came in.

- Great-looking kids.
- Yeah, they're wonderful.

We got them some ice cream.
What have you guys been doing?

- We were walking around town.
- It's dead, isn't it?

Did you know "The Bicycle Thief"
is playing?

- That would be a great...
- I've never seen it.

- You've never seen "The Bicycle Thief"?
- It's a movie I've seen five times.

We should see it.
Wanna see "The Bicycle Thief"?

No, thanks.
I have to get the children home.

She's never seen it?

Why don't you guys go see
"The Bicycle Thief"?

I'll go and read my Agatha Christie.

I would love to see it.
I've seen it, but I would love to.

I can take you back in the car
if you don't wanna go.

(Actors speaking Italian)

It's a great film. It's great.
But you gotta look at it in context.

- It's about survival in post-war Italy.
- I was looking at it in context.

Right. But you can't divorce it
from its social roots.

But it's much deeper
than a social problem.

There's so many wonderful
ambiguities in it.

- It's much more profound.
- But the conflict is clear. Right?

He's got to have the bicycle
or he's gonna starve to death.

Yes. Of course. But forget about
a social problem for a minute.

I mean, you know, obviously...
What is this place?

Obviously if you don't have
enough to eat or something,

that becomes a major problem,
the issues become very clear-cut.

But what happens if you're living
in a more affluent society

and you're lucky enough to not have
to worry about that, you're surviving?

So then your problems become
how can I fall in love,

or why can't I fall in love,
more accurately,

and why do I age and die,

and what meaning can my life
possibly have?

The issues become very complex
for you.

For a guy who makes
a lot of funny movies,

you're kind of a depressive, you know.

I'm not a depressive.
I have a good time. I have laughs.

- Do you?
- Why? Do you not think so?

I don't know. Like what do you do,
for example, for laughs?

What do I do? The usual, you know.
Read, walk, communicate, all that stuff.

Get undressed and perform
the Heimlich manoeuvre on a loved one.

I was having a good time this afternoon.

Why, has this been dreary for you?
Have I been boring? Tell me the truth.

No, I've been having
a really good time. Really.

- (Tapping on window)
- (Woman) Sandy?

Charlotte. Charlotte Ames.

Your mother.

How you doing?
I just knew that was you back there.

- Ah, you don't recognise me, right?
- (Sandy) Sure I do.

It's OK.
I had some face work done.

- You look astounding.
- Would you believe it?

Would you believe I played
your mother in a movie?

- I'm amazed.
- Thank you.

What a funny coincidence.

I had my face done. I had
my breasts done. I had my ass done.

I got some procaine and silicone,
some nipping and tucking.

That's more work than they do
on the West Side Highway.

- Well...
- But why? I don't understand you.

You were always a wonderful-looking...

You know! I'm an actress,
you got to keep young.

- Otherwise the public loses interest.
- You always looked great to me.

- Let me tell you.
- Wow. That's sweet.

Listen, tell me, what the hell
are you doing up here?

I was just driving through.
We were at the movies.

I'm still stunned to see you,
I must say.

You got to tell me whatever happened
to what's-her-name? That actress. Dorrie.

Dorrie? Dorrie's OK.

Dorrie's living in Hawaii,
and she's married, and she's fine.

- I liked her. She was special.
- (Sandy) She was great.

I mean, I really dug her.

I can't play this.
I don't have that kind of flair.

Will you stop it? You're fine.
You just refuse to trust yourself.

I'm no good.
I don't know what you see in me.

Will you relax?
You're a bundle of nerves. You're great.

I should be playing Cynthia's role,
she should be playing mine.

She's much funnier
and a lot more beautiful.

She's fine, but you're great, too.

The crew laughs at her.
They can't take their eyes off her.

- Oh, stop it. What are you taking?
- My diet pill.

- That's speed.
- I don't wanna be fat!

Fat? How can you be fat?
There's no chance...

I am, I'm overweight.
You just refuse to see my bad points.

You're killing yourself
with those diets.

First it's no pills, then it's all pills,
then it was no steak,

and then it was six steaks a day
and twelve glasses of water.

- I'm tired of feeling gross.
- You're not gross.

Obviously you're gonna kill
your appetite if you take speed,

but then you can't sleep nights, you got
to take those terrible sleeping pills.

And you mix that garbage
with your anti-depressants...

- The doctor said it was fine.
- You never asked the doctor.

Stop telling me. Is she fat?
Is she fat? Talk to her.

- Talk to her. I can't believe...
- Listen, Dorrie. Listen to me.

You are such a sweet,
young and beautiful...

Anything you do looks right.

Honestly, you're at the age
where you can't do anything wrong.

Hey, come on. If you had scar tissue,
it would be beautiful.

Listen, I'm the one with crow's feet
on her crow's feet, huh?

(Sandy) You're wonderful!
The picture's almost over.

Why don't we go away for a while?
We could drop out.

- We can have a kid.
- You know I'd like that.

(Sandy) All right. Of course,
we'd have to fool around a little bit,

but you could swing that
if you put your mind to it.

Oh, shit! Now my skin hurts.
That's a sure sign I'm getting depressed.

So do I really remind you
of an old girlfriend?

That's not bad for a little violinist
from Winnetka, you know.

(Sandy) Yeah, I got to give you
my one classical music joke,

which I put in every single picture,
and I invariably cut it out.

I don't know much about classical music.

For years,
I thought the Goldberg Variations

were something Mr and Mrs Goldberg
tried on their wedding night.

- See why it goes out of the picture.
- Great gag.

So, how do I remind you of Dorrie?

- How?
- Yeah.

You guys are both, you know,
sort of seductive and attractive.

Stop me if this gets nauseating.
And, you know, beautiful.

And there's a...
Not a tragic sense, I wouldn't say,

but there's kind of, you know,
a lost feeling.

- (Daisy) Really?
- Little bit. Yeah.

A sort of... I don't know you
well enough to say that,

but, you know, I would guess
it's just kind of a lost quality.

Hmm. Yeah.

- Oh, Jesus.
- What's the matter? What's going on?

Yeah. The goddamn chauffeur
never takes care of the car.

Hang on.
Oh, brother! I got to... Yeah.

Oh, Jesus. Really annoying.

(Daisy) No, I know.
(Sandy) This is absurd.

You know, it's starting to get dark,
there's no people, there's no...

There's, you know...

(Daisy) Well, I'm sure we're gonna
find something very soon.

- I don't know.
- There's got to be something around here.

They're gonna find us wandering
in the woods six months from now,

living on locusts and wild honey.

- (♪ Swing jazz music)
- What the hell is that?

In the Earth's trinity there are three signs,
the Taurus, the Virgo, the Capricorn.

The Taureans are determined,
the Virgos analytical,

and the Capricorneans persevering.

We're not discussing astrology.
This is science.

- Oh, come on! Science has failed.
- How can you say it's failed?

You're just saying that
because it hasn't solved every problem.

- Look at penicillin.
- And space satellites.

Open-heart surgery, heart transplants.

My husband's alive, six months now,
using a different person's heart.

It's a Japanese heart,
but he seems happy.

Can we get back to the subject of UFOs?
That's what this party's for, isn't it?

- Is it true that you're a UFO freak?
- (Sandy) No, no. Our car broke down.

- I really admire your work, sir.
- Thanks very much.

- You have such a degenerate mind.
- Thank you.

They're in all different sizes
and they're in all different shapes.

- You actually see them?
- Every night.

Is this your girlfriend?

- She's just a friend.
- Are you both into Martians?

I know you don't like to do this,
but can I kiss you?

Hey, you should make a film
about flying saucers.

You only make films about people
with personality disorders.

I can prove that if there's life
anywhere else in the universe,

they will have a Marxist economy.

Mr Bates? Excuse me. I'm an occult
nutritionist. I was wondering...

Mr Bates? Excuse me.
What have you got against intellectuals?

- Intellectuals? Nothing. Why?
- Mr Bates, I've seen all your films.

- You really feel threatened by them.
- Threatened? You're kidding.

I've always said they're like the Mafia.
They only kill their own.

That's exactly the attitude
I was talking about.

You believe in magic.
I know, I've read all your interviews.

No, I used to do magic tricks
when I was a kid, but no more.

So you guys are here to see flying
saucers land? Is that gonna happen?

When they arrive, it'll be the dawn
of a whole new civilisation.

Space creatures conspiring
with the Soviet government

already control our thoughts
by sending out electrical currents

from the top of the Empire State Building,
and I'm the only one that knows.

If you're alienated,
can you still have children?

(Man) Sure.
Alienation only affects the mind.

It has nothing to do
with the rest of your body.

Sandy! Sandy, you know,
this is exactly like one of your satires.

It's like we're all characters
in some film

being watched
in God's private screening room.

(Roaring)

- So, I thought I saw a UFO once.
- (Sandy) Really?

Yeah, but I'd taken a lot of mescaline
at the time, so I don't know.

Well, that will do it to you.

I was down in Mexico
with my English professor.

We were having an affair,
he was married.

- It was a really terrible situation.
- You thought you saw a UFO?

- Yeah, we both really thought we did.
- Well, that's a delusion.

I didn't know you did magic tricks.

Yeah, when I was a kid.
I always practised to be popular.

- So, I used to... I'm getting drunk.
- So can you show me one?

- You wanna see one?
- Sure.

(Speaks foreign language)

(All gasp)

- Our son's a genius.
- He doesn't take after you for damn sure.

He surely doesn't take
after your side of the family!

- Go to hell!
- Shut up!

If he's such a genius, how come
he can't make funny movies?

Sandy, we'll sue them
if they touch one frame of your film.

I promise you, you won't win.

- By the way, we got killed by the IRS.
- They started looking at the back taxes.

You're my brother. You got to help me
change my life. I'm a mess.

And don't forget lunch with the editors
of those high school newspapers.

What about the Cancer Foundation,
and the leukaemia victims,

and the political prisoners
all over the world?

What about the Jews?
The persecution in Europe, in Russia...

All those silly magic tricks you do
couldn't help your friend Nat Bernstein.

And what about Dorrie?
You know what that was like.

Remember the last time you saw her?

There's a doctor here that
thinks I'm beautiful and interesting.

There's a doctor here that
thinks I'm beautiful and interesting.

Are you seeing anyone?

You look thin.

There's a doctor here
that's crazy about me.

Are you seeing any...
There's... People's...

...be too close.

I used to swim a lot.
I can't feel anything. Yeah, me too.

I can't concentrate. There's no point.
Too much. Some fresh air.

I feel better.

You were always searching
for the perfect woman.

You wound up falling in love with me.

I can't be alone.

But I can't be too close.

It's not you, I...
I just can't feel anything.

Are you going with anyone?

Are you seeing anyone?

Are you in love with anyone?

How do I look?

Wait a minute. Don't go!
I've got some questions.

(Alien) We can't breathe your air.

Yeah, at the rate we're going,
we're not gonna be able to, either.

You guys got to tell me,
why is there so much human suffering?

This is unanswerable.

- Is there a God?
- These are the wrong questions.

Look, here's my point. If nothing lasts,
why am I bothering to make films,

or do anything, for that matter?

We enjoy your films.
Particularly the early funny ones.

But the human condition
is so discouraging.

- There are some nice moments, too.
- Yeah, with Dorrie.

- That's right. And Isobel. Be honest.
- You prefer Isobel?

There's no comparison,
she's a mature woman.

Mature woman?
What are you, my rabbi?

Hey, I'm a super-intelligent being.

By Earth standards,
I have an IQ of 1600,

and I can't even understand
what you expected

from that relationship with Dorrie.

- I loved her.
- Yeah, I know.

And two days a month, she was
the most exciting woman in the world,

but the rest of the time
she was a basket case.

On the other hand, Isobel is
someone that you can count on.

But shouldn't I stop making movies
and do something that counts,

like helping blind people,
or becoming a missionary or something?

Let me tell you, you're not
the missionary type. You'd never last.

And incidentally, you're also
not Superman, you're a comedian.

You wanna do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.

Yeah, but I've gotta find meaning.

Wouldn't you know it,
that there would be hot air balloons?

- You didn't really expect saucers?
- I did, yeah. I was hoping...

I had some very, very profound
questions that I wanted to ask.

You look incredibly beautiful to me.

Well, thanks. We should go back
to the hotel, don't you think?

- No, I don't want to.
- Come on, we've been away for hours.

- They're gonna be worried about us.
- I never wanna go back to the hotel.

What I wanna do is run away with you.

I'm serious. I wanna get in the car
and just give up everything.

I just wanna give up everything,
and just... We'll move in together.

I would be no fun to live with.

You'd be nothing but fun.
You'd be great.

I would be very bad trouble, believe me.
You don't know me.

- Why? What are your problems?
- I just... Men.

- I have terrible trouble with men.
- Why? Why?

It's just that whenever a man
gets close, I get crazy.

- Well, you go with Jack.
- That's something else.

He's very sweet,
and he really cares about me.

And it's solid, you know. I need that.

As soon as I saw you in the lobby,

I thought that you'd be
absolutely fun for me.

You have an incredible sixth sense

to pick me out
of the whole crowd of people.

- I'm nothing but trouble.
- Nothing but...? I can handle it.

There they are!
What is going on here, Sandy?

We sent the police! I thought
something terrible had happened.

- The car broke down.
- Out here carousing. I don't believe this!

What does everybody want from me?
Leave me alone.

I don't wanna go back.
I'm tired of everything.

I'm tired of my lawyer and my accountant,
and I can't help anybody.

I can't help the Cancer Society,

and I can't help the blind people
and the kidney victims.

I can't help my sister,
and I don't wanna get married, Isobel.

The last thing I need now is
a family and a commitment and a...

- Isobel!
- Sandy?

You know you're my hero.

(Sirens wailing)

(Isobel) Oh, my God!
(Doctor) He's dead!

It's a shame.
Poor fool, he's dead.

And he never really found out
the meaning of life.

(Psychiatrist) I treated him.
He was a complicated patient.

He saw reality too clearly.
Faulty denial mechanism.

Failed to block out
the terrible truths of existence.

In the end, his inability to push away
the awful facts of being in the world

rendered his life meaningless.

Or as one great
Hollywood producer said,

"Too much reality is not
what the people want."

Sandy Bates suffered a depression,
common to many artists in middle age.

In my latest paper for
the "Psychoanalytic Journal",

I have named it
"Ozymandias Melancholia".

(Applause)

Thank you very much.
Thank you.

Well, Sandy Bates' works
will live on after him.

But what good is it if I can't pinch
any women or hear any music?

And now in this classic scene from his
Academy Award winning motion picture...

I would trade that Oscar
for one more second of life.

...he deals with the subject of immortality,
a subject that plagued him.

In this film,
he played the part of God.

This was not easy, folks,
because, you know,

I didn't know what the hell I was doing,
and I don't have a good voice for God.

He received
an Academy Award nomination

for his convincing portrayal of God,

although they had to use
another actor's voice.

And though this plaque
is not an Academy Award,

and its presentation is posthumous,

I want to present it to that great
comedian, the late Sandy Bates.

- Here you go, Sandy.
- Thank you very much.

Thank you so much. I'm very honoured
to get this, you can imagine.

You know, some time ago I had
a love affair that ended sort of unhappily,

and just a little while back,
just before I died, in fact,

I was on the operating table,
and I was searching to try and find

something to hang on to, you know.
cos when you're dying,

your life suddenly really
does become very authentic.

And I was reaching for something
to give my life meaning,

and a memory flashed
through my mind.

'It was one of those great spring days,
a Sunday,

'and you knew summer
would be coming soon.

'I remember that morning Dorrie
and I had gone for a walk in the park.

'We came back to the apartment,
we were just sort of sitting around,

'and I put on a record of Louis Armstrong,
which was music that I grew up loving.

'It was very, very pretty,
and I happened to glance over,

'and I saw Dorrie sitting there.

'And I remember thinking to myself,
how terrific she was

'and how much I loved her.

'And I guess it was
the combination of everything,

'the sound of that music
and the breeze,

'and how beautiful
Dorrie looked to me.

'And for one brief moment, everything
just seemed to come together perfectly,

'and I felt happy.

'Almost indestructible, in a way.

'And it's funny, that simple
little moment of contact

'moved me
in a very, very profound way.'

(Armstrong) ♪ Sometimes,
I wonder why I spend the lonely night

♪ Oh, baby, oh, I know

♪ Dreaming of a song melody
in my memory

♪ And I am once again with you

♪ When our love was new,
oh, baby

♪ Each kiss an inspiration

♪ That was long ago

♪ Now my consolation

♪ Is in the stardust of a song

♪ Beside a garden wall

♪ When stars are bright,
you were in my arms, baby

♪ The nightingale tells
his fairy tale

♪ Of paradise where roses grow

♪ Though I dream in vain,
oh, baby

♪ In my heart it will remain

♪ My stardust melody

♪ The memory of love's refrain

♪ The memory of love's refrain ♪

Cop-out artist!

That was so beautiful.

Why do all comedians turn out
to be sentimental bores?

(Doctor) He's all right, he just fainted.
I'm sure it's just nervous tension.

He had some hallucination about
being shot with a.32 pistol by a fan.

(Sandy) Dorrie...

Isobel. Isobel!

- I wanna talk to you.
- I don't want to talk to you.

Don't be silly...

I came to invite you
to my brother's restaurant.

My brother Ozzy's got
a terrific restaurant.

- Armenian food. My mother's the cook.
- I don't eat Armenian food.

We need a picture of you,
maybe sitting at a table.

- No, no, no.
- It'd really be terrific.

- What's the matter?
- The Rolls-Royce.

Yeah, it's mine. This is mine.
I already went through that.

- Well, we found a.32 calibre pistol.
- That's mine, too. I carry a pistol.

I have a thing about Nazis.

- It's a little paranoid weakness I have.
- You have a permit, I'm sure.

I don't need a permit.
I never shoot the gun.

But, you know, I've had family
that's had problems, so I...

- I'm sorry, but...
- It's strictly a Nazi...

Sorry, but we'll have to have you come
down and answer a few questions.

That won't be necessary. Really.

You can make an exception
in my case. I'm a celebrity.

(Sandy) Listen, I want you
to come and live with me.

(Isobel) No, thank you.

(Sandy) Really... Don't be ridiculous.
(Isobel) You make me feel ridiculous.

I've been under stress lately.
You know what I mean?

Our broken romance
and the death of a friend.

- Go find Dorrie. She's better for you.
- No, no. Dorrie. That's over, believe me.

(Isobel) I don't want to hear you!

(Isobel speaks French)

(Sandy) I love you. I mean,
I've really thought everything over.

(♪ Music over dialogue)

I'm telling you, this has been a very,
very interesting weekend for me.

A lot of very strange thoughts
went through my mind.

And I feel very differently
about a lot of things.

- I am not your type.
- Yes. No...

You like those dark women
with all their problems.

Those dark women? No.

- They give you a hard time and you like.
- And you think I like that? Right?

No, you're wrong.

I'm telling you, I was thinking about
a lot of unusual things on the weekend,

and I feel much... I feel lighter.
Do you know what I mean?

And I had a very, very remarkable idea

for a new ending for my movie,
you know?

We're on a train, and there are
many sad people on it, you know.

And I have no idea
where it's heading.

Could be anywhere.
Could be the same junkyard. And...

But it's not as terrible
as I originally thought it was,

because, you know,
we like each other,

and we have some laughs,

and there's a lot of closeness and
the whole thing is a lot easier to take.

I don't like it. It's too sentimental.

So? But so what?
It's the good sentimental.

That's what you...
You know, it's... And you're...

There's this character that's based
on you that's very warm and very giving,

and you're absolutely nuts over me,
you're just crazy about me.

You just think I'm the most
wonderful thing in the world.

And you're in love with me, and despite
the fact I do a lot of foolish things,

cos you realise that down deep,
I'm not evil or anything,

just sort of floundering around,
just ridiculous, maybe.

- Just searching, OK?
- I don't think it's realistic.

Now? Now you're gonna
bring up realism, after...

This is a hell of a time to...

I know one thing,
that a huge, big, wet kiss

would go a long way
to selling this idea.

I'm very serious.

I think this is a big, big finish,
you know?

(Audience applauds)

- It just killed me. Did you feel that?
- (Woman) I think it was great.

I just can't believe the stuff
he gets into. It's so deep.

All that stuff about life and
how everybody should love each other.

I mean, he's telling us
heavy, original things here.

(Woman) He's always been heavy.

What did you think the significance
of the Rolls-Royce was?

- I think that's... It represents his car.
- Really?

- (Dorrie) I look fat.
- Fat? Come on, you're not fat.

I am. I mean, it's just so ridiculous.
I'm gonna have to go on another diet.

I tried to play the role sympathetically,
but the role was just too thin.

He said to me, "Wear this moustache,
it'll be funny." So I listened to him.

- You looked so beautiful.
- Thank you. But you can hear me?

- Have you heard my English?
- Your English was fine.

By the way, I wanna ask you,

did you find when you did
kissing scenes with him,

did he open his mouth
and wiggle his tongue around?

- And he never lets you go.
- The most irritating thing, right?

It's funny.

It's amazing, Rash.
From this he makes a living?

I like a melodrama,
a musical comedy with a plot.

(Speaks Yiddish)