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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:13,212 --> 00:00:17,348 It's the "Comedy Central Roast of Pamela Anderson" 2 00:00:17,416 --> 00:00:19,951 with your roastmaster Jimmy Kimmel, 3 00:00:20,019 --> 00:00:22,653 and your roasters... 4 00:00:35,468 --> 00:00:39,570 ...with special appearances by David Spade and Hugh Hefner, 5 00:00:39,638 --> 00:00:43,074 and a live performance by Tommy Lee. 6 00:00:43,141 --> 00:00:46,511 And now please welcome the host of "Jimmy Kimmel live," 7 00:00:46,579 --> 00:00:48,380 Jimmy Kimmel. 8 00:00:59,091 --> 00:01:00,692 Kimmel: Thank you very much. 9 00:01:02,728 --> 00:01:05,397 You're very kind. 10 00:01:05,465 --> 00:01:08,166 Welcome to "the Pamela Anderson Roast," 11 00:01:08,234 --> 00:01:11,202 an evening with Courtney love, Tommy Lee, 12 00:01:11,270 --> 00:01:12,704 Andy dick, Dennis rodman, 13 00:01:12,772 --> 00:01:15,406 otherwise known as "live aids." 14 00:01:15,474 --> 00:01:16,741 That's right. 15 00:01:16,809 --> 00:01:19,978 Right now, simultaneous roasts 16 00:01:20,046 --> 00:01:21,880 are being held on comedy central networks 17 00:01:21,948 --> 00:01:23,981 in seven different countries around the world. 18 00:01:24,049 --> 00:01:25,550 All proceeds from this event 19 00:01:25,618 --> 00:01:28,119 will go directly to Dave chappelle in Africa. 20 00:01:28,187 --> 00:01:30,555 We send him our best. 21 00:01:30,623 --> 00:01:33,591 We are here tonight, of course, to honor Pamela Anderson 22 00:01:33,659 --> 00:01:36,594 who showed us just how far a woman can go 23 00:01:36,662 --> 00:01:39,731 when she believes in herself and gets a pair 24 00:01:39,799 --> 00:01:42,433 of volleyball-sized breast implants. 25 00:01:42,501 --> 00:01:43,868 That's right. 26 00:01:43,936 --> 00:01:47,405 Ms. Anderson is an actress, a model, a writer, a producer. 27 00:01:47,473 --> 00:01:49,940 I think, for a while, she was a hooker. 28 00:01:50,008 --> 00:01:51,610 14 years ago, 29 00:01:51,677 --> 00:01:54,612 Pamela Anderson joined the cast of "Home Improvement" 30 00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:59,150 and before that, we were still beating off to the Cosbys. 31 00:01:59,218 --> 00:02:02,086 So she's ushered in a new and exciting era. 32 00:02:02,154 --> 00:02:03,688 She changed everything. 33 00:02:03,756 --> 00:02:05,456 Let's take a look back now 34 00:02:05,524 --> 00:02:08,692 at what makes Pamela Anderson so very special. 35 00:02:12,431 --> 00:02:14,265 What did you call me? 36 00:02:16,802 --> 00:02:18,770 I'm the fantasy of every man in America. 37 00:02:21,173 --> 00:02:22,974 Ready for some fun? Uh. 38 00:02:23,042 --> 00:02:25,543 Tool time! 39 00:02:25,611 --> 00:02:27,345 Don't give up your day job. 40 00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:35,453 ? What you gonna do with all that junk ? 41 00:02:35,688 --> 00:02:37,455 ? All that junk inside your trunk? ? 42 00:02:37,523 --> 00:02:38,823 Are you imagining me naked? 43 00:02:38,891 --> 00:02:41,359 ? Get you love drunk off my hump ? 44 00:02:41,427 --> 00:02:44,696 ? my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps ? 45 00:02:44,764 --> 00:02:45,796 ? Check it out ? 46 00:02:45,864 --> 00:02:47,732 ooh, you're kid rock and Pam Anderson! 47 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:50,535 Man: Bad boy Tommy Lee received a show of support 48 00:02:50,603 --> 00:02:52,137 from wife Pamela. 49 00:02:52,204 --> 00:02:53,905 She's got great taste in men. 50 00:02:53,973 --> 00:02:55,406 You were a groupie. Excuse me? 51 00:02:55,474 --> 00:02:58,376 I was not a groupie. I was a girlfriend. Right. 52 00:02:58,444 --> 00:02:59,777 Have you heard about this videotape? 53 00:02:59,845 --> 00:03:02,179 A tape was stolen from Tommy Lee and myself. 54 00:03:02,247 --> 00:03:05,183 Yes. I love you. 55 00:03:05,251 --> 00:03:07,285 Not that tape. 56 00:03:07,353 --> 00:03:10,722 ? I'm crazy for this little lady ? 57 00:03:10,790 --> 00:03:12,824 David Hasselhoff is doing a free concert 58 00:03:12,892 --> 00:03:14,993 and people are trying to drown themselves! 59 00:03:15,061 --> 00:03:17,395 ? 'Cause she makes me feel good ? 60 00:03:17,462 --> 00:03:19,964 you're Pamela Anderson! Remember me from "Baywatch: The Movie"? 61 00:03:20,032 --> 00:03:23,935 ? I know she's a super lady ? 62 00:03:24,003 --> 00:03:25,570 I don't know anybody who wants to wear 63 00:03:25,638 --> 00:03:27,605 an animal skin on their back. 64 00:03:27,673 --> 00:03:30,441 Pamela Anderson Lee. Come on, Pamela. 65 00:03:31,611 --> 00:03:33,445 I am not some ditzy blonde. 66 00:03:33,512 --> 00:03:37,282 ? She's so fine ? 67 00:03:39,551 --> 00:03:41,886 ? Yeah, you're so damn hot ? 68 00:03:41,954 --> 00:03:43,654 I can do it. 69 00:03:43,722 --> 00:03:45,590 ? Yeah, you're so damn hot ? 70 00:03:45,657 --> 00:03:47,325 Dah! 71 00:03:47,392 --> 00:03:49,627 ? Yeah, you're so damn hot ? 72 00:03:50,596 --> 00:03:53,298 ? Yeah, you're so damn hot ? 73 00:03:59,572 --> 00:04:02,273 please welcome our guest of honor this evening, 74 00:04:02,341 --> 00:04:04,342 the one and only Pamela Anderson. 75 00:04:43,882 --> 00:04:46,917 Pam, you look beautiful, as always. 76 00:04:46,985 --> 00:04:48,886 We are here to roast you tonight. 77 00:04:48,954 --> 00:04:51,389 We selected you over 1,000 other famous women 78 00:04:51,457 --> 00:04:53,458 because you've accomplished so much 79 00:04:53,526 --> 00:04:55,694 in your short time on this planet. 80 00:04:55,761 --> 00:04:58,095 Pam has been on the cover of "Playboy" magazine 81 00:04:58,163 --> 00:05:00,198 an unprecedented 11 times. 82 00:05:00,265 --> 00:05:02,033 She was the first woman 83 00:05:02,100 --> 00:05:05,236 to appear spread eagle in "Reader's Digest," 84 00:05:05,304 --> 00:05:07,972 and she graduated from high school. 85 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:10,241 That's right. 86 00:05:10,309 --> 00:05:13,611 All this, and she just turned 38. 87 00:05:13,679 --> 00:05:15,346 So at long last, 88 00:05:15,414 --> 00:05:19,783 your age is finally catching up to your tits. 89 00:05:19,851 --> 00:05:23,021 Pamela Anderson is a trend-setter, a pioneer. 90 00:05:23,089 --> 00:05:25,923 Before Pam, the only celebrity sex tape 91 00:05:25,991 --> 00:05:27,591 was a roll of duct tape 92 00:05:27,659 --> 00:05:31,429 Rick James used to restrain his dates. 93 00:05:31,496 --> 00:05:34,666 When Paris Hilton was still in diapers, 94 00:05:34,734 --> 00:05:39,270 Pamela Anderson was already getting gang-banged on Betamax. 95 00:05:39,338 --> 00:05:42,107 She loves rock stars. 96 00:05:42,174 --> 00:05:45,676 The woman has screwed more musicians than Napster. 97 00:05:52,417 --> 00:05:53,885 Pam, you do know 98 00:05:53,952 --> 00:05:57,922 that "blow me" is just an expression, right? 99 00:05:57,990 --> 00:06:01,091 Pam loves animals. 100 00:06:01,159 --> 00:06:05,029 Her love of horses is what attracted her to Tommy Lee. 101 00:06:07,767 --> 00:06:10,334 She has devoted so much of her time 102 00:06:10,402 --> 00:06:11,702 to her work with P.E.T.A., 103 00:06:11,770 --> 00:06:13,772 the people for the ethical treatment of animals. 104 00:06:13,839 --> 00:06:17,742 P.E.T.A. Is a fantastic organization. 105 00:06:17,809 --> 00:06:19,276 From their tireless crusade 106 00:06:19,344 --> 00:06:22,680 to ban cruel and unnecessary testing from medical experiments 107 00:06:22,748 --> 00:06:24,515 to their work at Disneyland, 108 00:06:24,583 --> 00:06:27,785 throwing blood on children who wear mouse ears, 109 00:06:27,853 --> 00:06:29,754 they do so many great things. 110 00:06:29,822 --> 00:06:32,256 But when all is said and done, 111 00:06:32,323 --> 00:06:36,894 enormous genitals conquer all. 112 00:06:36,962 --> 00:06:38,696 There was a rumor going around last week 113 00:06:38,764 --> 00:06:40,398 that Pam and Tommy were back together. 114 00:06:40,465 --> 00:06:42,934 It started when she showed up someplace with two black eyes. 115 00:06:43,002 --> 00:06:45,736 It is not true. 116 00:06:45,804 --> 00:06:48,139 It was a hockey accident. 117 00:06:48,207 --> 00:06:49,740 She's Canadian. 118 00:06:49,808 --> 00:06:52,243 Pam and Tommy are not planning to remarry, 119 00:06:52,311 --> 00:06:54,845 but they continue to raise their children together. 120 00:06:54,913 --> 00:06:56,247 Pam has two boys, 121 00:06:56,315 --> 00:06:58,348 beautiful boys, Brandon and Dylan. 122 00:06:58,416 --> 00:07:00,317 Children that when they were born, 123 00:07:00,385 --> 00:07:02,286 actually walked out of her vagina. 124 00:07:02,354 --> 00:07:05,490 It is that big. 125 00:07:05,558 --> 00:07:06,924 Whoo! 126 00:07:06,992 --> 00:07:10,428 Thanks to him. 127 00:07:10,495 --> 00:07:13,597 It played the cave in "Batman Begins." 128 00:07:16,235 --> 00:07:18,703 Pamela Anderson embodies the American dream. 129 00:07:18,771 --> 00:07:21,506 She came here from a small town in another country 130 00:07:21,573 --> 00:07:22,940 to achieve and accomplish 131 00:07:23,008 --> 00:07:25,209 everything she imagined she ever could. 132 00:07:25,277 --> 00:07:28,412 And don't be fooled by the dumb-blonde routine. 133 00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:30,815 This woman is as smart as a rock. 134 00:07:30,882 --> 00:07:32,884 We love her. 135 00:07:32,951 --> 00:07:34,285 We love you, Pam. 136 00:07:34,352 --> 00:07:36,086 Thank you for inviting me to do this. 137 00:07:36,154 --> 00:07:40,725 Thank you for agreeing to get fucked on camera one last time. 138 00:07:43,061 --> 00:07:46,631 And now, let the roasting begin. 139 00:07:52,304 --> 00:07:57,175 Our first roaster tonight is part of our very successful 140 00:07:57,242 --> 00:07:59,877 "Invite a random person to the roast" program. 141 00:07:59,944 --> 00:08:01,379 Here's a fun game to play. 142 00:08:01,446 --> 00:08:03,514 While he talks, see if you can count 143 00:08:03,582 --> 00:08:05,850 how many times Pam says, "Who the fuck is that?" 144 00:08:05,917 --> 00:08:08,619 You know him from "Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn," 145 00:08:08,687 --> 00:08:10,020 and that's it. 146 00:08:10,088 --> 00:08:14,893 Please welcome the virtually anonymous Greg Giraldo. 147 00:08:20,966 --> 00:08:23,601 Thank you. Thank you, everybody. 148 00:08:23,669 --> 00:08:26,671 Jimmy Kimmel. Isn't he doughy, really? 149 00:08:26,738 --> 00:08:31,242 Isn't he about to be canceled? Keep it going for Jimmy Kimmel. 150 00:08:31,310 --> 00:08:34,545 Wow, that was great, Jim. 151 00:08:34,613 --> 00:08:37,815 I've never seen you be funny on TV before. 152 00:08:39,651 --> 00:08:43,788 Jimmy, how the hell is that show still on the air? 153 00:08:43,855 --> 00:08:46,423 That wasn't a premise to a joke. 154 00:08:46,491 --> 00:08:48,559 That was a real question. 155 00:08:48,626 --> 00:08:50,661 I don't want to say nobody watches it, 156 00:08:50,729 --> 00:08:53,197 but more people have seen Dennis Rodman reading. 157 00:08:56,401 --> 00:08:58,536 Let's see, Bea Arthur, of course, is here. 158 00:08:58,603 --> 00:09:00,905 Hello, Bea. 159 00:09:00,973 --> 00:09:04,575 And... 160 00:09:04,643 --> 00:09:07,812 It's great to have you here -- A living legend. 161 00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:11,549 Actually, you and Pam have a lot in common. 162 00:09:11,616 --> 00:09:14,418 You were both the quintessential feminist icons of your day, 163 00:09:14,486 --> 00:09:15,920 you both were very successful, 164 00:09:15,988 --> 00:09:19,090 and you both blew Kid Rock. 165 00:09:21,260 --> 00:09:24,862 By the way, Pam, Kid Rock wanted to be here 166 00:09:24,930 --> 00:09:29,000 but he got stuck in a 20-year-old. 167 00:09:34,072 --> 00:09:35,539 Kimmel, why are you on TV? 168 00:09:35,607 --> 00:09:37,975 I don't know why I'm coming back to you, 169 00:09:38,043 --> 00:09:39,343 but why are you on TV? 170 00:09:39,411 --> 00:09:42,479 With that moon face and that stupid cleft in your chin, 171 00:09:42,547 --> 00:09:45,917 or, as you call it, Adam Carolla's jizz cup. 172 00:09:49,521 --> 00:09:51,055 Carolla... 173 00:09:51,123 --> 00:09:54,692 Look at you, you horse-toothed bastard. 174 00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:58,129 Carolla, you got a mouth full of 2x4s. 175 00:09:58,197 --> 00:09:59,997 Every time you smile, 176 00:10:00,065 --> 00:10:03,067 I remember to waterproof my deck. 177 00:10:03,134 --> 00:10:06,137 "Carolla" is an Italian word. 178 00:10:06,205 --> 00:10:08,672 It means "one eyebrow." 179 00:10:08,740 --> 00:10:11,375 Have some dignity and stick to radio. 180 00:10:11,443 --> 00:10:14,812 You look like Pete Sampras with down's syndrome. 181 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:23,888 The "Lovelines" -- Only in America. 182 00:10:23,955 --> 00:10:26,924 What a crappy show the "Lovelines" is. 183 00:10:26,991 --> 00:10:28,459 Yeah, teenagers calling in 184 00:10:28,527 --> 00:10:31,629 to complain about their abortions and their anal warts. 185 00:10:31,697 --> 00:10:33,798 It's like listening to the messages 186 00:10:33,866 --> 00:10:35,966 on Andy Dick's answering machine. 187 00:10:44,008 --> 00:10:46,377 Speaking of anal warts, 188 00:10:46,445 --> 00:10:49,780 good to see Courtney Love here. 189 00:10:54,886 --> 00:10:56,620 Courtney, what the hell happened to you? 190 00:10:56,688 --> 00:10:58,856 You had a great band, you're a very talented actress, 191 00:10:58,924 --> 00:11:01,459 and your career dried up faster than Sarah Silverman's pussy 192 00:11:01,527 --> 00:11:04,728 around guys who can't help her in the business. 193 00:11:13,338 --> 00:11:15,539 Good to see Eddie Griffin -- Of course, Eddie Griffin. 194 00:11:15,607 --> 00:11:16,774 People said there wouldn't be 195 00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:18,309 any big movie stars here tonight, 196 00:11:18,377 --> 00:11:20,511 and they were right. 197 00:11:26,284 --> 00:11:27,618 Tommy Lee, of course, 198 00:11:27,686 --> 00:11:30,788 it's tough to slam a guy for having a huge cock. 199 00:11:30,855 --> 00:11:33,257 But we've all seen the sex tape, Tommy, 200 00:11:33,325 --> 00:11:36,327 and I know the camera adds five inches, but Jesus. 201 00:11:36,394 --> 00:11:37,528 Your cock is so huge, 202 00:11:37,595 --> 00:11:39,830 I had to fast forward the tape to see all of it. 203 00:11:39,898 --> 00:11:43,867 My 5-year-old son walked in as I was watching it. 204 00:11:43,935 --> 00:11:46,137 Great, now I got to explain why the pretty blond girl 205 00:11:46,205 --> 00:11:47,705 is being stabbed with a harpoon. 206 00:11:50,742 --> 00:11:54,879 Of course, this brings me to Pam, the beautiful goddess. 207 00:11:54,946 --> 00:11:57,014 Hi, Pam. 208 00:11:57,082 --> 00:12:00,084 Pam, I love you, Pam. 209 00:12:00,151 --> 00:12:01,952 I've been a fan of yours for so long. 210 00:12:02,020 --> 00:12:04,789 But I've got to say, watching you in that sex tape 211 00:12:04,857 --> 00:12:07,024 was like a whole new experience for me 212 00:12:07,091 --> 00:12:08,760 because up until then, 213 00:12:08,827 --> 00:12:12,062 I'd never seen anyone get gonorrhea before. 214 00:12:12,130 --> 00:12:14,798 That was weird. 215 00:12:14,866 --> 00:12:17,668 And I worry about you, Pam. What's up with the implants? 216 00:12:17,736 --> 00:12:19,837 They're in, they're out, they're in, they're out. 217 00:12:19,905 --> 00:12:21,572 They're right here. Yeah. 218 00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:23,240 You've had it in and out so many times. 219 00:12:23,308 --> 00:12:25,243 They're not contact lenses, Pam, they're tits. 220 00:12:27,512 --> 00:12:29,813 You've been flattened out and reinflated 221 00:12:29,881 --> 00:12:32,082 more times than Jeff Ross' prom date. 222 00:12:34,553 --> 00:12:38,989 You're... You're the best. You're the best. 223 00:12:39,057 --> 00:12:40,657 You're a vegetarian, 224 00:12:40,725 --> 00:12:43,895 but you have no trouble swallowing a moose cock. 225 00:12:45,998 --> 00:12:47,431 You're environmentally conscious, 226 00:12:47,499 --> 00:12:49,233 but you've caused more seed to be spilled 227 00:12:49,301 --> 00:12:50,868 than the department of agriculture. 228 00:12:53,238 --> 00:12:54,939 I've been a fan of yours for so long. 229 00:12:55,006 --> 00:12:57,407 I feel terrible that you're gonna get abused here today. 230 00:12:57,475 --> 00:12:58,709 Who are these nobodies? 231 00:12:58,777 --> 00:13:00,711 Who are these nobodies up here to make fun of you? 232 00:13:00,779 --> 00:13:02,012 People like Lisa Lampanelli. 233 00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:07,017 I'm sure she's gonna come up here and be mean and fat. 234 00:13:07,085 --> 00:13:10,121 But you know what? But you know what? 235 00:13:10,188 --> 00:13:11,355 Fuck her. 236 00:13:11,423 --> 00:13:13,591 You've been on the cover of "Playboy" so many times 237 00:13:13,658 --> 00:13:15,593 and you didn't have to fuck Hugh Hefner to do it. 238 00:13:15,661 --> 00:13:18,829 You fucked him anyway, but you didn't have to. 239 00:13:18,897 --> 00:13:22,232 That's right. You didn't have to. 240 00:13:22,300 --> 00:13:24,735 You're multitalented. You have a TV show. 241 00:13:24,803 --> 00:13:27,504 You're involved in lots of humanitarian causes. 242 00:13:27,572 --> 00:13:29,473 You've even "written" two novels. 243 00:13:29,541 --> 00:13:31,842 You're busier than Courtney's pharmacist. 244 00:13:31,910 --> 00:13:34,478 What's with the books, Pam? 245 00:13:34,546 --> 00:13:36,513 You have two novels out. Two novels. 246 00:13:36,581 --> 00:13:40,284 You've now written more books than you've read. 247 00:13:40,351 --> 00:13:42,686 Pam, give up this being-a-novelist crap 248 00:13:42,754 --> 00:13:44,121 and stick to what you do best. 249 00:13:44,189 --> 00:13:46,457 You never saw Ernest Hemingway titty-fucking a rock star, 250 00:13:46,524 --> 00:13:48,659 did ya? 251 00:13:49,494 --> 00:13:52,530 I love your show "Stacked." 252 00:13:52,597 --> 00:13:54,431 It shows your range, and it proves to everyone 253 00:13:54,499 --> 00:13:55,966 that you can masturbate to a sitcom 254 00:13:56,034 --> 00:13:57,668 no matter how unfunny it is. 255 00:14:00,239 --> 00:14:02,173 I love it. "Stacked," you get it? 256 00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:04,575 It's a double entendre. Yeah. 257 00:14:04,642 --> 00:14:05,943 You work in a bookstore. 258 00:14:06,011 --> 00:14:08,445 There are stacks there, and you're stacked. 259 00:14:08,513 --> 00:14:09,813 So we call it "Stacked." 260 00:14:09,881 --> 00:14:12,316 That's hilarious. I love that. 261 00:14:12,384 --> 00:14:14,084 "Okay. Here's the idea, guys. 262 00:14:14,152 --> 00:14:16,253 "She works in a jewelry store, 263 00:14:16,321 --> 00:14:18,856 "and we call it 'Pearl necklace.' 264 00:14:18,924 --> 00:14:20,391 what do you think?" 265 00:14:23,662 --> 00:14:26,830 You starring in a show about books and reading 266 00:14:26,898 --> 00:14:30,400 is like Tom Cruise starring in a show about vaginas. 267 00:14:30,468 --> 00:14:32,569 All right. 268 00:14:32,637 --> 00:14:35,573 Now... 269 00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:38,175 Now, I will say this, Pam. 270 00:14:38,242 --> 00:14:40,144 I am, seriously, a giant fan of yours, 271 00:14:40,211 --> 00:14:42,246 and we're gonna make fun of you a lot here 272 00:14:42,314 --> 00:14:44,381 but to get to the level you've gotten is true genius. 273 00:14:44,449 --> 00:14:46,617 People cannot help but love you. 274 00:14:46,685 --> 00:14:48,719 People can't help but love you. 275 00:14:48,787 --> 00:14:51,455 You got unbelievable talent, and you're America's sweetheart. 276 00:14:51,523 --> 00:14:53,991 You're a Canadian, but those tits were made in America. 277 00:14:54,059 --> 00:14:55,058 Thank you very much. 278 00:15:05,737 --> 00:15:09,773 Good evening, Pam. What an amazing night for you. 279 00:15:09,841 --> 00:15:14,678 Unfortunately, as you see, I'm stuck here again at work, 280 00:15:14,746 --> 00:15:17,014 but I had to take this moment to tell you 281 00:15:17,081 --> 00:15:19,449 how much you've meant to me over the years. 282 00:15:19,517 --> 00:15:22,919 You graced the cover of "Playboy" a record 11 times, 283 00:15:22,987 --> 00:15:26,057 and you went on to accomplish so much 284 00:15:26,124 --> 00:15:29,527 with nothing but hard work, determination, 285 00:15:29,594 --> 00:15:32,496 and 400ccs of silicone, 286 00:15:32,564 --> 00:15:34,365 proving to women everywhere 287 00:15:34,432 --> 00:15:37,768 that when a girl next door from modest beginnings 288 00:15:37,836 --> 00:15:39,503 just sticks with me, 289 00:15:39,571 --> 00:15:42,839 she can, one day, be the next Pam Anderson. 290 00:15:42,907 --> 00:15:45,909 Well, at least that's what I tell them. 291 00:15:45,977 --> 00:15:50,081 In all seriousness, Pam, may your spirit and drive 292 00:15:50,148 --> 00:15:52,482 continue to inspire women everywhere 293 00:15:52,550 --> 00:15:54,084 to whip out their melons -- 294 00:15:54,151 --> 00:15:56,820 Er, I mean, to throw off the chains 295 00:15:56,888 --> 00:15:59,556 of our sexually repressive society. 296 00:15:59,624 --> 00:16:01,424 But I like the chains. 297 00:16:01,492 --> 00:16:04,662 Oh, well, so do I. Well, then it's unanimous. 298 00:16:04,730 --> 00:16:06,764 Tonight, we'll use the chains. 299 00:16:06,832 --> 00:16:08,365 Yay! Yay! Yay! 300 00:16:08,433 --> 00:16:11,101 Pam, I know you love animals, 301 00:16:11,169 --> 00:16:12,602 so I want to apologize 302 00:16:12,670 --> 00:16:15,405 for what I'm about to do to these bunnies. 303 00:16:15,473 --> 00:16:18,976 Good night, and I love you. 304 00:16:24,616 --> 00:16:27,084 We are back with "The Roast of Pamela Anderson." 305 00:16:27,152 --> 00:16:28,619 Everything all right, ladies? 306 00:16:28,687 --> 00:16:32,189 Pam and Courtney have struck up a conversation. 307 00:16:32,257 --> 00:16:33,590 Our next roaster was voted 308 00:16:33,658 --> 00:16:37,394 America's hottest rising comic in 1993. 309 00:16:37,462 --> 00:16:38,828 Still rising. 310 00:16:38,896 --> 00:16:41,699 His chief reason for being here 311 00:16:41,766 --> 00:16:43,434 is to make Greg Giraldo look famous. 312 00:16:43,501 --> 00:16:46,236 You know him from -- oh, who are we kidding? You don't know him. 313 00:16:46,304 --> 00:16:48,238 But he's here so let's make the best of it. 314 00:16:48,573 --> 00:16:51,308 Please say hello to Nick DiPaolo. 315 00:16:56,481 --> 00:16:59,249 How about a hand for Jimmy Kimmel? 316 00:16:59,317 --> 00:17:02,486 Come on, folks. Jimmy the host. Come on. 317 00:17:02,554 --> 00:17:04,288 Apparently, the only thing lower than Jimmy's ratings 318 00:17:04,355 --> 00:17:07,124 is Sarah Silverman's self-esteem. 319 00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:11,861 Or maybe Bea Arthur's voice. Have you talked to Bea Arthur? 320 00:17:11,929 --> 00:17:14,431 She sounds like a fucking pirate with throat polyps. 321 00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:18,202 I just met Bea Arthur a few minutes ago. 322 00:17:18,269 --> 00:17:21,504 She was standing at the urinal next to me. 323 00:17:21,572 --> 00:17:25,075 Love ya, baby. 324 00:17:25,143 --> 00:17:28,546 Courtney Love is here tonight. 325 00:17:28,613 --> 00:17:31,448 Courtney Love was amazing in the movie 326 00:17:31,516 --> 00:17:33,517 "The People vs. Larry Flynt." 327 00:17:33,585 --> 00:17:35,119 She was unbelievable. 328 00:17:35,186 --> 00:17:37,754 She played a white trash psychotic stripper 329 00:17:37,822 --> 00:17:39,356 who was addicted to heroin. 330 00:17:39,424 --> 00:17:41,225 What did you do to prepare for that role? 331 00:17:41,293 --> 00:17:43,927 Follow yourself around for a year? 332 00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:51,768 How about a hand for Eddie Griffin? Come on, folks. 333 00:17:56,874 --> 00:17:58,442 Eddie, I've seen every one of your movies... 334 00:17:58,510 --> 00:18:00,577 In a dumpster. 335 00:18:00,645 --> 00:18:03,880 I don't want to say your films set black people back 50 years, 336 00:18:03,948 --> 00:18:06,884 but when the lowes theater showed "Undercover Brother," 337 00:18:06,951 --> 00:18:10,053 they made the audience members use separate bathrooms. 338 00:18:13,357 --> 00:18:15,191 Andy dick -- 339 00:18:15,259 --> 00:18:18,395 Andy, pick a hole and stick with it. 340 00:18:20,599 --> 00:18:21,732 That's a nice haircut -- 341 00:18:21,799 --> 00:18:24,435 You look like the third girl from Bananarama. 342 00:18:26,370 --> 00:18:28,738 Tommy, I saw the video with you and Pam. 343 00:18:28,806 --> 00:18:31,241 I haven't seen a bigger dick on a boat 344 00:18:31,309 --> 00:18:33,743 since I went yachting with Donald Trump. 345 00:18:38,182 --> 00:18:40,584 Dennis Rodman is here. 346 00:18:40,652 --> 00:18:42,553 Dennis Rodman is like the black Tommy Lee 347 00:18:42,620 --> 00:18:44,922 because he's a sex symbol, he's covered in tattoos, 348 00:18:44,989 --> 00:18:47,925 and his career fizzled in '98. 349 00:18:52,964 --> 00:18:54,764 Dennis proves one thing -- 350 00:18:54,832 --> 00:18:59,002 It's possible to be cool and illiterate at the same time. 351 00:18:59,070 --> 00:19:01,571 Adam Carolla -- Adam is half hispanic, 352 00:19:01,639 --> 00:19:03,807 which means not only is his last name Carolla, 353 00:19:03,874 --> 00:19:06,543 he was probably conceived in one. 354 00:19:10,949 --> 00:19:12,483 You know who's in the crowd? 355 00:19:12,550 --> 00:19:14,851 Anna Nicole Smith, one of my favorites. 356 00:19:17,288 --> 00:19:18,621 Anna, what are you doing here? 357 00:19:18,689 --> 00:19:20,958 You should be in a nursing home and blowing a guy 358 00:19:21,025 --> 00:19:23,293 with a wheelchair with the most expensive rims. 359 00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:31,968 Let's get to the lady of the evening, please. 360 00:19:32,036 --> 00:19:33,070 This is ironic. 361 00:19:33,137 --> 00:19:34,871 I finally meet the girl of my dreams, 362 00:19:34,939 --> 00:19:38,442 and I'm shitting on you instead of the other way around. 363 00:19:43,147 --> 00:19:45,883 Congratulations on "The Dukes of Hazzard." 364 00:19:45,950 --> 00:19:47,651 You were fucking terrific. 365 00:19:50,521 --> 00:19:52,355 I'm just kidding. 366 00:19:52,423 --> 00:19:55,259 Pam's the perfect physical specimen with that silky skin, 367 00:19:55,327 --> 00:19:57,394 that blond hair, those pouty pink lips, 368 00:19:57,461 --> 00:20:00,497 and that's just her snatch. 369 00:20:07,338 --> 00:20:09,139 Pam's ass is so perfect, 370 00:20:09,207 --> 00:20:11,208 I don't think shit comes out of it. 371 00:20:11,276 --> 00:20:13,777 I think frozen strawberry yogurt comes out of it. 372 00:20:13,845 --> 00:20:15,713 It's in a swirl. 373 00:20:15,780 --> 00:20:18,481 It's got sprinkles on it. 374 00:20:18,549 --> 00:20:21,585 Pam, if you had dysentery, 375 00:20:21,653 --> 00:20:24,955 I'd follow you around for a week with a waffle cone. 376 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:31,094 And I saw the video of you and Tommy. 377 00:20:31,162 --> 00:20:32,429 Boy, I'll tell you, 378 00:20:32,497 --> 00:20:34,064 I haven't seen a pussy taking a pounding like that 379 00:20:34,132 --> 00:20:35,766 since Clay Aiken lost to Ruben Studdard 380 00:20:35,833 --> 00:20:37,301 on "American Idol." 381 00:20:45,076 --> 00:20:47,645 And, man, Tommy, are you big. He is big, isn't he, Pam? 382 00:20:47,712 --> 00:20:49,712 Pam has taken so many stitches down there, 383 00:20:49,780 --> 00:20:52,516 when she puts in a tampon, it looks like a Raggedy-Ann doll 384 00:20:52,584 --> 00:20:54,318 smoking a cigarette. 385 00:21:01,593 --> 00:21:03,727 And, boy, do you know how to give great head. 386 00:21:03,795 --> 00:21:06,496 But then again, with your acting skills, I guess you have to. 387 00:21:06,564 --> 00:21:08,966 As an actor, 388 00:21:09,033 --> 00:21:12,436 you have the emotional range of Terri Schiavo. 389 00:21:17,175 --> 00:21:19,910 Pam, you know how you say, "Fur is murder"? 390 00:21:19,977 --> 00:21:21,745 Well, so is watching you act. 391 00:21:21,812 --> 00:21:23,747 If I was a baby seal, 392 00:21:23,815 --> 00:21:26,283 and I had a choice between being clubbed to death 393 00:21:26,351 --> 00:21:28,218 or watching an episode of "Stacked," 394 00:21:28,286 --> 00:21:30,053 I'd be like, "Somebody call J-Lo, 395 00:21:30,121 --> 00:21:32,255 and let her know her mittens are ready." 396 00:21:37,695 --> 00:21:40,764 But let's talk about the show that made you famous 397 00:21:40,832 --> 00:21:43,299 and my dick crooked -- "Baywatch." 398 00:21:45,636 --> 00:21:47,938 I masturbated to that show so many times 399 00:21:48,006 --> 00:21:49,539 I used to pay a homeless guy 400 00:21:49,607 --> 00:21:51,909 to stand next to my TV with a squeegee. 401 00:21:55,212 --> 00:21:57,147 Hey, somebody's got to give 402 00:21:57,215 --> 00:21:59,383 Andy Dick's dad some work, right? 403 00:22:04,455 --> 00:22:06,823 If you only knew how many times that I released in your face. 404 00:22:06,891 --> 00:22:08,859 I thought the only way I was gonna recognize you 405 00:22:08,927 --> 00:22:12,496 is if I just ran into you after you ate a glazed doughnut. 406 00:22:14,666 --> 00:22:17,567 Seriously, Pam -- She's not dumb. 407 00:22:17,635 --> 00:22:19,670 She's a great actress. She's fucking beautiful. 408 00:22:19,737 --> 00:22:22,239 She's the reason every guy gets up in the morning. 409 00:22:22,306 --> 00:22:23,440 I love you to death, Pam. 410 00:22:23,508 --> 00:22:25,409 Thank god you came to the United States. 411 00:22:25,476 --> 00:22:27,277 Thank you. 412 00:22:36,588 --> 00:22:38,455 I have nothing unpleasant or disrespectful 413 00:22:38,523 --> 00:22:39,856 to say about our next performer. 414 00:22:39,924 --> 00:22:41,892 She is a great actress who, for some reason, 415 00:22:41,959 --> 00:22:43,026 has become the punch line 416 00:22:43,094 --> 00:22:45,495 to every joke Jeff Ross has ever told. 417 00:22:45,563 --> 00:22:46,896 She does not have a penis. 418 00:22:46,964 --> 00:22:50,000 She is not the only woman ever to beat Max Schmeling. 419 00:22:50,068 --> 00:22:53,170 She is not so old, they named the letter "b" after her. 420 00:22:53,237 --> 00:22:56,406 She is a national treasure and should be treated as such. 421 00:22:56,473 --> 00:22:59,509 Please welcome the beautiful Bea Arthur. 422 00:23:14,192 --> 00:23:16,293 Thank you so much. 423 00:23:18,662 --> 00:23:21,097 Thank you very much. 424 00:23:21,165 --> 00:23:25,101 You know, everybody loves Pamela Anderson 425 00:23:25,169 --> 00:23:27,738 because she is so beautiful. 426 00:23:27,806 --> 00:23:29,540 I mean, you know her. 427 00:23:29,607 --> 00:23:31,808 She's a "Playboy" sex symbol, 428 00:23:31,876 --> 00:23:34,812 and, of course, many people admire her 429 00:23:34,879 --> 00:23:38,148 for the fabulous work that she's been doing 430 00:23:38,216 --> 00:23:40,317 as an animal rights activist. 431 00:23:40,385 --> 00:23:45,021 But I tell you, I want to honor Pam 432 00:23:45,089 --> 00:23:50,059 for her literary achievements. 433 00:23:50,127 --> 00:23:53,096 Yes, you see, I have just finished reading 434 00:23:53,164 --> 00:23:57,200 her new novel, "Star Struck." 435 00:23:57,268 --> 00:24:00,871 Very, very, very -- It's a terrific book. 436 00:24:00,939 --> 00:24:04,341 The story concerns a blond, 437 00:24:04,409 --> 00:24:07,978 very large-breasted actress 438 00:24:08,045 --> 00:24:13,583 imaginatively named star, 439 00:24:13,651 --> 00:24:18,722 who plays a lifeguard on a hit television show 440 00:24:18,789 --> 00:24:23,160 and she becomes actively involved, romantically, 441 00:24:23,227 --> 00:24:27,997 with a tattooed rocker. 442 00:24:28,065 --> 00:24:32,736 And a videotape that they have made of their sexual escapades 443 00:24:32,804 --> 00:24:35,739 is leaked to the public. 444 00:24:35,806 --> 00:24:38,174 Pam, where do you come up with this shit? 445 00:24:44,915 --> 00:24:46,850 Anyway, I would like to read to you 446 00:24:46,918 --> 00:24:49,419 a couple of my favorite passages from the book. 447 00:24:49,486 --> 00:24:53,890 The first one is page 86. 448 00:24:53,958 --> 00:24:57,627 "Star had seen the ads for female wrestling 449 00:24:57,695 --> 00:25:01,631 "on the flashing sign next to the boobie hatch. 450 00:25:01,699 --> 00:25:06,169 "That's the two pink domes just off highway 1. 451 00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:11,942 "'Will you do it?' Jane asked. 452 00:25:12,009 --> 00:25:16,613 "'Well, okay, but I don't do mud or oil, ' Star sighed, 453 00:25:16,681 --> 00:25:18,448 "a bit overwhelmed. 454 00:25:18,516 --> 00:25:22,018 "'I did a wet t-shirt contest once at the beach, 455 00:25:22,086 --> 00:25:26,022 "'but mud wrestling just seems to be -- I don't know -- 456 00:25:26,090 --> 00:25:28,892 A little too low-rent.'" 457 00:25:34,198 --> 00:25:37,067 page 151. 458 00:25:39,870 --> 00:25:43,573 "One night, Adam brought a couple of beers along 459 00:25:43,641 --> 00:25:45,541 "on one of their camp-outs 460 00:25:45,609 --> 00:25:48,244 "and they got a bit drunk. 461 00:25:48,312 --> 00:25:52,749 "Emboldened, Adam showed Star his erection. 462 00:25:52,816 --> 00:25:55,852 "'Come on, touch it, ' he urged. 463 00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:59,723 "'Put that away, ' Star said disgustedly. 464 00:25:59,791 --> 00:26:03,527 "'I don't want anything to do with your wiener.' 465 00:26:09,833 --> 00:26:14,604 "'please, just put your hand around it, ' Adam pleaded. 466 00:26:14,672 --> 00:26:19,743 "'Go to sleep, Adam, ' Star said, turning over. 467 00:26:19,810 --> 00:26:22,712 "'You can borrow my mountain bike for a week, ' 468 00:26:22,780 --> 00:26:25,548 "he bargained. 469 00:26:25,616 --> 00:26:28,818 "Star rolled over and looked at him. 470 00:26:28,886 --> 00:26:31,988 "'A month, ' she said. 471 00:26:32,055 --> 00:26:34,524 "'A month?' He asked. 472 00:26:34,592 --> 00:26:36,593 "'No way.' 473 00:26:36,661 --> 00:26:38,461 "'Okay, then.' 474 00:26:38,529 --> 00:26:41,030 "She turned back over with a smile. 475 00:26:41,098 --> 00:26:42,633 "'Good night.' 476 00:26:42,700 --> 00:26:45,602 "'Okay, a month then, ' Adam sighed. 477 00:26:45,670 --> 00:26:49,072 "And so their sexual adventures began. 478 00:26:49,140 --> 00:26:51,040 "Repulsed at first, 479 00:26:51,108 --> 00:26:55,912 "Star quickly became fascinated with the mechanics 480 00:26:55,980 --> 00:26:58,815 "and the hydraulics of it all. 481 00:26:58,883 --> 00:27:02,452 "And the improbable outcome of climax -- 482 00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:05,055 "wet and messy, 483 00:27:05,123 --> 00:27:09,559 "as though silly string had shot out of his ear... 484 00:27:14,464 --> 00:27:17,367 ...only it wasn't his ear." 485 00:27:23,074 --> 00:27:25,509 Page 230. 486 00:27:32,283 --> 00:27:36,753 "She called her gay friend Billy into her trailer. 487 00:27:36,821 --> 00:27:40,156 "'I need to get your advice about something, ' 488 00:27:40,224 --> 00:27:44,427 "Star said tentatively, not sure how to bring it up. 489 00:27:44,494 --> 00:27:46,996 "'My advice?' Billy questioned, suspicious. 490 00:27:47,064 --> 00:27:50,500 "'I do your hair and makeup.' 491 00:27:50,567 --> 00:27:54,738 "'How do you fuck up the ass?' She blurted. 492 00:28:05,349 --> 00:28:08,251 "'All right, ' Billy said, startled. 493 00:28:08,319 --> 00:28:12,422 "'It's called pitcher and catcher.' 494 00:28:12,489 --> 00:28:18,161 "'Oh, that sounds fun, like a game, ' said star. 495 00:28:18,228 --> 00:28:23,566 "'Just get him to go slow at first, ' 496 00:28:23,634 --> 00:28:25,535 "Billy forged ahead. 497 00:28:25,602 --> 00:28:29,005 "'Easy in and then wait. 498 00:28:29,072 --> 00:28:34,177 "'Make sure you get in a good reach around 499 00:28:34,245 --> 00:28:38,614 "'and he'll love it if you squeeze your cheeks together, 500 00:28:38,682 --> 00:28:42,485 you know, like you're trying to hold a fart.'" 501 00:28:46,156 --> 00:28:49,125 Pam, Pam -- Or should I say Star -- 502 00:28:49,193 --> 00:28:52,662 You've opened up a whole new world for me. 503 00:28:52,730 --> 00:28:56,199 I mean, thank you, sweetheart. God bless. 504 00:29:03,874 --> 00:29:07,143 That was great. 505 00:29:07,211 --> 00:29:09,979 Really brought it to life. 506 00:29:10,047 --> 00:29:11,480 I think we're all thinking the same thing right now -- 507 00:29:11,548 --> 00:29:14,818 "thank god Bea Arthur doesn't have a video camera." 508 00:29:17,922 --> 00:29:20,990 You cannot have a roast without our next comic. 509 00:29:21,058 --> 00:29:24,027 But it would be great if, for once, we tried. 510 00:29:24,095 --> 00:29:27,330 He is the Michael Jordan of baseball of roasts 511 00:29:27,398 --> 00:29:30,733 and is literally the only person in this room 512 00:29:30,801 --> 00:29:33,703 Pamela Anderson wouldn't fuck. 513 00:29:33,705 --> 00:29:36,573 Please welcome living proof that Jews run Hollywood, 514 00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:38,074 Jeffrey Ross. 515 00:29:46,316 --> 00:29:49,719 Cold out there tonight. 516 00:29:52,289 --> 00:29:55,758 What, you don't like it? 517 00:29:55,826 --> 00:29:57,627 Down, girl, boy, whatever. 518 00:30:00,964 --> 00:30:04,034 You want to pet it? It's 100% puppy. 519 00:30:06,537 --> 00:30:09,139 Oh. For P.E.T.A., right? 520 00:30:09,206 --> 00:30:11,074 People who eat and torture animals, right? 521 00:30:11,141 --> 00:30:13,109 No? 522 00:30:13,177 --> 00:30:15,512 No, it's not real. It's not real. 523 00:30:15,580 --> 00:30:18,882 We shaved Bea Arthur's back. 524 00:30:18,949 --> 00:30:23,119 Look. I love ya, babe. 525 00:30:23,186 --> 00:30:25,655 I love ya. I love ya. 526 00:30:25,723 --> 00:30:28,091 You look great, babe. 527 00:30:28,159 --> 00:30:32,128 I wouldn't fuck Bea Arthur's dick with Andy Dick's pussy. 528 00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:44,574 Love: I'm gonna beat him up. 529 00:30:44,642 --> 00:30:48,511 Oh, this is a lot of fun, I got to tell you. 530 00:30:48,579 --> 00:30:51,214 Courtney Love, you're like the girl next door 531 00:30:51,281 --> 00:30:54,551 if you happen to live next to a methadone clinic. 532 00:30:58,922 --> 00:31:00,589 Hey, give her a round of applause 533 00:31:00,657 --> 00:31:03,426 for not singing tonight. 534 00:31:07,565 --> 00:31:09,465 How is it possible 535 00:31:09,533 --> 00:31:12,869 that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain? 536 00:31:15,172 --> 00:31:18,607 What? You want to fucking pick on me? 537 00:31:28,685 --> 00:31:33,022 Who, are you gonna get help from Pamela "Manderson"? 538 00:31:39,863 --> 00:31:42,499 But, of course, we're not here to talk about your career, Pam. 539 00:31:42,566 --> 00:31:45,501 We're here to talk about your pussy. 540 00:31:45,569 --> 00:31:48,871 Tommy Lee, Kid Rock, Bret Michaels. 541 00:31:48,939 --> 00:31:52,242 Don't you ever fuck anybody with talent? 542 00:31:52,310 --> 00:31:54,944 Right? 543 00:31:55,012 --> 00:31:57,514 You got plastic tits and a tin ear. 544 00:31:59,183 --> 00:32:01,918 You're fucking your way to the middle. 545 00:32:06,523 --> 00:32:07,957 You could marry royalty. 546 00:32:08,025 --> 00:32:10,293 You're fucking Marcus Schenkenberg? 547 00:32:10,361 --> 00:32:13,129 "Who?" Exactly. He's a seat filler. 548 00:32:18,302 --> 00:32:19,703 Pam, just for the record, 549 00:32:19,770 --> 00:32:21,771 I think it's kind of hypocritical 550 00:32:21,839 --> 00:32:23,772 that you care so much about animal rights 551 00:32:23,840 --> 00:32:27,043 since you've been torturing your own beaver for years. 552 00:32:27,111 --> 00:32:30,446 We've all seen the video with Tommy Lee. 553 00:32:30,514 --> 00:32:32,949 Folks, I'm not saying Pam's vagina 554 00:32:33,017 --> 00:32:35,117 is as big as the Lincoln tunnel. 555 00:32:35,185 --> 00:32:37,854 I'm saying it's bigger. 556 00:32:37,922 --> 00:32:41,791 It opened wider than "Revenge of the Sith." 557 00:32:43,360 --> 00:32:46,762 You got to go to MapQuest to find her "g" spot. 558 00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:53,069 Is it true that they give free donkey rides to the bottom? 559 00:32:55,072 --> 00:32:56,339 Do you feel the hush in the room? 560 00:32:56,406 --> 00:32:58,708 I fucking love it. 561 00:32:58,776 --> 00:33:00,510 What is this? 562 00:33:02,912 --> 00:33:03,947 Oh, sorry. What? 563 00:33:04,014 --> 00:33:06,815 We were talking about Scott Baio for a second. 564 00:33:06,883 --> 00:33:09,552 The heroin's in the backstage green room if you need it. 565 00:33:09,620 --> 00:33:11,587 I haven't done that for years, man. 566 00:33:11,655 --> 00:33:13,089 That's such a '90s drug. 567 00:33:13,157 --> 00:33:15,924 Such a '90s drug? 568 00:33:15,992 --> 00:33:18,427 Well, then, what the fuck are you on now? 569 00:33:22,600 --> 00:33:26,369 Tommy Lee's cock is so big, it has an elbow. 570 00:33:27,805 --> 00:33:30,573 Once a year, it sheds its foreskin. 571 00:33:34,945 --> 00:33:37,046 Tommy Lee's cock is bigger 572 00:33:37,114 --> 00:33:40,015 than David Hasselhoff is in Germany. 573 00:33:42,987 --> 00:33:45,754 But, Pam, you're sexier than ever. You really are. 574 00:33:45,822 --> 00:33:46,890 You are! 575 00:33:46,957 --> 00:33:49,658 That's what this is about. 576 00:33:51,095 --> 00:33:53,562 You know, we should roast Anna Nicole next year 577 00:33:53,630 --> 00:33:55,531 because we could do the same jokes. 578 00:33:55,599 --> 00:33:58,268 Plus, fat jokes. 579 00:34:01,705 --> 00:34:04,306 You're very well-behaved tonight. 580 00:34:04,374 --> 00:34:06,876 All right. 581 00:34:10,748 --> 00:34:13,849 Somebody get her a 90-year-old cock to suck on, please. 582 00:34:19,222 --> 00:34:21,691 Pam, it's really been fun roasting somebody 583 00:34:21,758 --> 00:34:25,027 who doesn't get any of the jokes. 584 00:34:25,095 --> 00:34:26,329 You seem very sweet and a good sport. 585 00:34:26,396 --> 00:34:27,964 And if you really want to do something for charity, 586 00:34:28,032 --> 00:34:29,799 you'll give me a hug right now. 587 00:34:29,867 --> 00:34:32,535 Will you, please? 588 00:34:40,510 --> 00:34:42,545 Good stuff so far. 589 00:34:42,613 --> 00:34:45,247 Hey, Pam -- Dave Spade. Sorry I couldn't be there. 590 00:34:45,315 --> 00:34:46,749 I'm videotaping this, 591 00:34:46,816 --> 00:34:49,251 if you haven't figured that out already. 592 00:34:49,319 --> 00:34:50,819 I look around the room, 593 00:34:50,887 --> 00:34:54,090 and I see there's a few people you haven't had sex with. 594 00:34:54,158 --> 00:34:55,491 Not that room. 595 00:34:55,559 --> 00:34:58,494 This room I'm in right now videotaping. 596 00:34:58,562 --> 00:35:00,329 Me and the video guy. 597 00:35:00,397 --> 00:35:02,899 You did? When? 598 00:35:02,966 --> 00:35:05,068 I thought she was in Hawaii. 599 00:35:05,135 --> 00:35:06,736 So I'm the only one? 600 00:35:06,804 --> 00:35:09,972 What's wrong, Pam? Is it 'cause I have a job? 601 00:35:10,040 --> 00:35:12,742 Glad to see Tommy Lee's here tonight. 602 00:35:12,809 --> 00:35:14,477 Apparently P.E.T.A. Stands for 603 00:35:14,545 --> 00:35:17,513 People with Extraordinary Talents for Assholes. 604 00:35:17,581 --> 00:35:20,483 P-E-T-A -- yeah, that works. 605 00:35:20,551 --> 00:35:23,786 Listen, all kidding aside, Tommy Lee has a huge cock. 606 00:35:23,854 --> 00:35:26,989 Last time you fucked him, my ribs hurt for a week. 607 00:35:27,057 --> 00:35:29,492 Way up here. 608 00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:31,127 You know, you have two boys with him. 609 00:35:31,195 --> 00:35:32,595 Sweet kids. I've met them. 610 00:35:32,663 --> 00:35:34,296 They must love having you for a mom. 611 00:35:34,364 --> 00:35:37,199 I'm sure their friends like to come over 612 00:35:37,267 --> 00:35:38,867 for "MILF" and cookies. 613 00:35:38,935 --> 00:35:40,537 Another advantage of being your kid 614 00:35:40,604 --> 00:35:42,738 is that when they go to school, they can say, "oh, yeah? 615 00:35:42,806 --> 00:35:46,842 My dad could beat up your dad... With his dick." 616 00:35:46,910 --> 00:35:50,046 You think that one's dirty? 617 00:35:50,113 --> 00:35:53,683 I see Lisa Lampanelli's there, the queen of mean. 618 00:35:53,751 --> 00:35:55,485 How does someone that looks like that 619 00:35:55,552 --> 00:35:56,919 make fun of Pam Anderson? 620 00:35:56,987 --> 00:35:59,822 That's like a turd making fun of a sunset, all right? 621 00:35:59,889 --> 00:36:02,425 That's nice. I've never met this girl. Hi. 622 00:36:02,492 --> 00:36:03,993 Anyway, I'm kidding. 623 00:36:04,061 --> 00:36:06,262 I'm not sure who you're boning at press time 624 00:36:06,330 --> 00:36:07,930 but I wish you well with him. 625 00:36:07,998 --> 00:36:09,131 Sorry I couldn't be there, 626 00:36:09,199 --> 00:36:11,166 but they're not even paying scale this year. 627 00:36:11,234 --> 00:36:13,603 Bye, honey. 628 00:36:15,239 --> 00:36:18,040 There you go. 629 00:36:18,107 --> 00:36:19,909 Welcome back and good times. 630 00:36:19,977 --> 00:36:22,378 Our next roaster is the only person 631 00:36:22,445 --> 00:36:25,081 who Courtney Love thinks has a problem. 632 00:36:25,149 --> 00:36:26,649 He's the primary reason 633 00:36:26,717 --> 00:36:30,019 that the doughnuts backstage are no longer powdered. 634 00:36:30,087 --> 00:36:31,587 He is a talented man 635 00:36:31,655 --> 00:36:34,757 whom we're gonna miss very much very soon. 636 00:36:34,824 --> 00:36:36,926 Actually, unfortunately, 637 00:36:36,993 --> 00:36:39,395 I'm being told Andy Dick could not be with us tonight. 638 00:36:39,463 --> 00:36:43,533 And in his place, long-time Pamela Anderson plastic surgeon 639 00:36:43,601 --> 00:36:45,768 Dr. Fernando shortcream is here. 640 00:36:45,836 --> 00:36:47,436 Dr. Fernando? 641 00:36:57,047 --> 00:37:00,783 Hello. Testing. Good evening. 642 00:37:00,850 --> 00:37:03,920 My name... 643 00:37:03,988 --> 00:37:08,557 Is Dr. Fernando T. Shortcream. 644 00:37:08,625 --> 00:37:13,495 And for the last 15 years, I've been the plastic surgeon 645 00:37:13,563 --> 00:37:17,600 assigned to Pamela Anderson's breasts. 646 00:37:19,269 --> 00:37:21,537 You're welcome. 647 00:37:21,605 --> 00:37:24,974 I want to apologize, Pam, right away, 648 00:37:25,041 --> 00:37:27,309 because I was brought here 649 00:37:27,377 --> 00:37:29,912 to actually rip you a new one, 650 00:37:29,980 --> 00:37:33,649 since we all know that Tommy ripped the old one, 651 00:37:33,716 --> 00:37:37,353 which, by the way, 652 00:37:37,421 --> 00:37:42,592 I used what was left to make Courtney Love's lips... 653 00:37:42,660 --> 00:37:44,060 Whoo! 654 00:37:44,127 --> 00:37:48,531 ...which explains her bad breath. 655 00:37:50,267 --> 00:37:52,334 Seriously. 656 00:37:52,402 --> 00:37:54,370 It smells like ass. 657 00:37:56,974 --> 00:38:01,110 You know, I'll never forget the time Pam came to my office 658 00:38:01,178 --> 00:38:06,148 and said that she wanted me to remove her asshole. 659 00:38:06,216 --> 00:38:11,053 I said, "okay. You married him, okay? 660 00:38:11,120 --> 00:38:13,756 I'm a doctor, not a divorce lawyer." 661 00:38:16,193 --> 00:38:19,562 When Pam told me that Tommy gave her hepatitis C, 662 00:38:19,630 --> 00:38:20,996 I didn't believe it 663 00:38:21,064 --> 00:38:23,332 because I figured the best Tommy could ever hope for 664 00:38:23,400 --> 00:38:27,970 was hepatitis D-minus, at best. 665 00:38:28,839 --> 00:38:32,341 And looky, looky, Elon Gold is here. 666 00:38:32,409 --> 00:38:36,178 No, nobody cares. 667 00:38:36,246 --> 00:38:37,813 Nobody cares. 668 00:38:37,881 --> 00:38:41,116 He's on TV, but we don't watch. 669 00:38:41,184 --> 00:38:44,253 By the way, how is that penile implant working out? 670 00:38:44,320 --> 00:38:46,355 Fantastic, fantastic. 671 00:38:46,423 --> 00:38:47,790 That's great. 672 00:38:47,858 --> 00:38:50,626 'Cause you know, up until you came along, 673 00:38:50,694 --> 00:38:53,229 I've never put one in a butt before. 674 00:38:56,666 --> 00:38:58,601 Oh... 675 00:39:01,605 --> 00:39:05,374 Pam... I've been with you since day one, 676 00:39:05,442 --> 00:39:09,478 and you and I both know that you didn't always look this great. 677 00:39:09,546 --> 00:39:12,948 You didn't' always look like that, Pam, did ya? 678 00:39:13,016 --> 00:39:15,384 You have to remember that when Pam first came to me, 679 00:39:15,452 --> 00:39:19,188 she looked like this. 680 00:39:19,256 --> 00:39:22,391 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 681 00:39:22,459 --> 00:39:27,029 I'm sorry, that is not Pamela. I'm gonna kill my assistant. 682 00:39:27,097 --> 00:39:29,331 That's Lisa Lampa-cunty. 683 00:39:30,900 --> 00:39:33,068 Wait, what is your name? Lisa Lampa-dikey? 684 00:39:33,136 --> 00:39:35,137 You know, 'cause I know what's coming. 685 00:39:35,205 --> 00:39:37,473 I know what's coming. She's got something -- 686 00:39:37,541 --> 00:39:41,544 You know, I thought this was a roast for Pamela Anderson, 687 00:39:41,612 --> 00:39:43,279 not all of us on stage. 688 00:39:43,347 --> 00:39:47,783 I don't want to hear -- I don't have anal warts... 689 00:39:47,850 --> 00:39:50,219 That I know of. 690 00:39:50,287 --> 00:39:53,422 I can't bend my head back to see. 691 00:39:53,489 --> 00:39:57,259 It itches sometimes, but not more than you. 692 00:39:57,327 --> 00:40:00,163 If it's hot out, your butt itches. 693 00:40:00,230 --> 00:40:03,132 But, seriously, Lisa, if you'd like, 694 00:40:03,200 --> 00:40:06,002 I can work with you, and I'm sure, 695 00:40:06,069 --> 00:40:09,771 with all the modern advances in cosmetic surgery 696 00:40:09,839 --> 00:40:12,007 and the industrial cleansers, 697 00:40:12,075 --> 00:40:15,944 I can possibly upgrade you to this. 698 00:40:20,450 --> 00:40:25,354 Actually, that's quite a simple procedure, Lisa. 699 00:40:25,422 --> 00:40:30,659 We'll shave your ass, and give you a circumcision... 700 00:40:30,727 --> 00:40:34,596 On your very responsive 5 1/2-inch clitoris. 701 00:40:37,768 --> 00:40:41,304 There's been a lot of jokes tonight 702 00:40:41,371 --> 00:40:45,174 about Pamela Anderson's breasts, okay? 703 00:40:45,242 --> 00:40:50,646 But as her breasts' creator, 704 00:40:50,714 --> 00:40:53,315 I'd like to point out 705 00:40:53,383 --> 00:40:56,518 that they're quite stable. 706 00:40:56,586 --> 00:41:01,156 They really are very, very well engineered, okay? 707 00:41:04,260 --> 00:41:07,462 This is all standard procedure. 708 00:41:07,530 --> 00:41:10,232 This is just a clinical adjustment. 709 00:41:10,300 --> 00:41:13,035 These boobs, these are my creation. 710 00:41:13,102 --> 00:41:14,737 These are my creation. 711 00:41:14,804 --> 00:41:17,205 And, by the way, by the way, 712 00:41:17,273 --> 00:41:20,142 this is an excellent hand exercise. 713 00:41:20,210 --> 00:41:24,313 You see how they point straight ahead, a little up, 714 00:41:24,380 --> 00:41:28,317 like they're gonna take out the Hubble telescope? 715 00:41:35,058 --> 00:41:37,392 This is all me. All me. 716 00:41:37,460 --> 00:41:41,496 You could place a glass of wine on one, 717 00:41:41,564 --> 00:41:45,634 and I could personally jump on the other 718 00:41:45,702 --> 00:41:48,503 and the wine would not spill. 719 00:41:48,571 --> 00:41:50,672 No, seriously, guys, seriously, don't worry. 720 00:41:50,740 --> 00:41:53,342 She can't feel any of this. 721 00:41:53,410 --> 00:41:56,412 I can so. You drooled on me. 722 00:41:58,782 --> 00:42:01,083 Hang on. Medical emergency. 723 00:42:01,151 --> 00:42:04,654 Oh, okay. I gotta go. 724 00:42:04,721 --> 00:42:08,925 Nicole Kidman tried to blink and tore her forehead open again. 725 00:42:08,992 --> 00:42:11,193 Out of my way. I am a doctor! 726 00:42:11,261 --> 00:42:15,798 I'm a doctor! Out of my way. 727 00:42:21,671 --> 00:42:23,271 Pam, I've been meaning to tell you -- 728 00:42:23,339 --> 00:42:24,573 I actually pitched a story line 729 00:42:24,641 --> 00:42:26,208 to the writers for next season. 730 00:42:26,210 --> 00:42:28,744 In this episode, there's gonna be some big misunderstanding 731 00:42:28,811 --> 00:42:31,079 and I come on your tits. 732 00:42:35,418 --> 00:42:39,821 Wait, Tommy, aren't you supposed to be, like, 100 yards away? 733 00:42:45,261 --> 00:42:48,331 Comedy Central has scheduled within the broadcast 734 00:42:48,398 --> 00:42:50,232 two different boner breaks 735 00:42:50,300 --> 00:42:53,970 to allow the overheated viewer a chance to cool off. 736 00:42:54,037 --> 00:42:55,371 I'm the first one. 737 00:42:55,438 --> 00:42:58,240 Later on, you'll lose your wood to Courtney Love. 738 00:43:02,478 --> 00:43:04,246 Told ya. 739 00:43:07,918 --> 00:43:09,819 Love what you do for the animals. 740 00:43:09,886 --> 00:43:11,987 I don't happen to have animals myself 741 00:43:12,054 --> 00:43:13,723 'cause I wear them. 742 00:43:13,790 --> 00:43:15,157 I eat them. 743 00:43:15,225 --> 00:43:17,692 See, you trying to take chicken out of a black man's hand, 744 00:43:17,760 --> 00:43:19,261 that ain't gonna happen. 745 00:43:19,328 --> 00:43:23,298 African-American -- We love to... 746 00:43:23,366 --> 00:43:24,700 No, I'm a nigger. 747 00:43:24,768 --> 00:43:26,468 African-Americans are different kind of people. 748 00:43:26,536 --> 00:43:27,970 I've been to jail. 749 00:43:28,038 --> 00:43:32,607 I know. We all know you've been to jail. 750 00:43:32,675 --> 00:43:36,011 We all know you should go back. 751 00:43:41,951 --> 00:43:45,353 No one -- and I mean no one -- 752 00:43:45,421 --> 00:43:47,522 Has masturbated to Pamela Anderson 753 00:43:47,590 --> 00:43:49,257 more than our next presenter. 754 00:43:49,325 --> 00:43:53,028 In fact, no one has masturbated more than our next presenter. 755 00:43:53,096 --> 00:43:55,498 Critics are calling his new talk show, 756 00:43:55,565 --> 00:43:58,500 "Too Late with Adam Carolla," "D.L. Hughley-esque." 757 00:43:58,568 --> 00:44:02,170 He is here tonight to introduce our musical performance. 758 00:44:02,238 --> 00:44:06,608 Please welcome, my Garfunkel, Adam Carolla. 759 00:44:14,884 --> 00:44:17,686 Thank you. It's great to be here. 760 00:44:17,754 --> 00:44:21,023 Give a hand to Jimmy Kimmel, everybody. 761 00:44:24,193 --> 00:44:26,995 Sarah and him make an awesome couple. 762 00:44:27,063 --> 00:44:29,631 Sarah, it's got to be hard on you 763 00:44:29,699 --> 00:44:33,401 faking the orgasms and the laughter. 764 00:44:35,972 --> 00:44:39,708 Oh, what about Courtney Love? She set a new personal best. 765 00:44:39,776 --> 00:44:43,912 41 minutes before she showed her pussy on stage, everybody. 766 00:44:46,549 --> 00:44:50,086 Not since Cal Jam in 1979 767 00:44:50,153 --> 00:44:53,289 has she had that kind of personal best. 768 00:44:53,356 --> 00:44:55,991 Thank you. 769 00:44:56,058 --> 00:44:58,193 When they asked me to introduce Tommy Lee tonight, 770 00:44:58,261 --> 00:44:59,828 I was thrilled. 771 00:44:59,896 --> 00:45:02,464 Tommy's penis has been a hero of mine 772 00:45:02,532 --> 00:45:04,567 ever since it broke down 773 00:45:04,634 --> 00:45:06,935 the color barrier in '97. 774 00:45:10,240 --> 00:45:14,309 Tommy's penis has come a long way since its humble beginnings 775 00:45:14,377 --> 00:45:20,182 growing up on a small farm in Huge Cockburg. 776 00:45:20,249 --> 00:45:23,818 Tommy may have stopped drinking and doing the drugs, 777 00:45:23,886 --> 00:45:26,522 but his penis still starts every day 778 00:45:26,590 --> 00:45:29,324 with a shot of whiskey and an 8 ball. 779 00:45:31,728 --> 00:45:36,398 So, now we all know about the man's penis, 780 00:45:36,466 --> 00:45:39,635 but there's a little thing I didn't know about the man. 781 00:45:39,703 --> 00:45:42,171 I didn't know he was actually a musician. 782 00:45:42,238 --> 00:45:43,873 Oh, yes. 783 00:45:43,940 --> 00:45:47,109 And his instrument escapes me, but I think it was the cello. 784 00:45:47,177 --> 00:45:49,778 Anyway, here to perform "Good Times," 785 00:45:49,845 --> 00:45:52,915 please welcome Tommy Lee and his penis. 786 00:46:03,960 --> 00:46:06,128 ? Put down the magazine and get off the phone ? 787 00:46:06,195 --> 00:46:09,664 ? There's a place I wanna show you, and it wont take long ? 788 00:46:09,732 --> 00:46:12,434 ? Take a ride ? 789 00:46:12,501 --> 00:46:14,537 ? Take a ride ? 790 00:46:14,604 --> 00:46:16,138 ? It's looking like we're getting there ? 791 00:46:16,206 --> 00:46:17,506 ? Over here, comin' clear ? 792 00:46:17,574 --> 00:46:20,442 ? A place that has no lines or times or crimes ? 793 00:46:20,509 --> 00:46:23,111 ? Just good times ? 794 00:46:23,179 --> 00:46:25,047 ? Just good times ? 795 00:46:25,115 --> 00:46:28,884 ? Take me away ? 796 00:46:28,952 --> 00:46:30,653 ? To a place ? 797 00:46:30,720 --> 00:46:36,592 ? Where the good times, good times roll ? 798 00:46:36,660 --> 00:46:39,461 ? Don't let me stay ? 799 00:46:39,529 --> 00:46:41,263 ? In a place ? 800 00:46:41,330 --> 00:46:46,401 ? Where this hate can steal my soul ? 801 00:46:58,314 --> 00:47:00,516 ? Got myself worked up over nothing today ? 802 00:47:00,584 --> 00:47:01,884 ? All the trash that's in my head ? 803 00:47:01,951 --> 00:47:03,852 ? I gotta throw it away ? 804 00:47:03,920 --> 00:47:06,721 ? It's all right ? 805 00:47:06,789 --> 00:47:08,423 ? It's all right ? 806 00:47:08,491 --> 00:47:10,391 ? It's looking like we're getting there ? 807 00:47:10,459 --> 00:47:11,760 ? Over here, comin clear ? 808 00:47:11,828 --> 00:47:14,629 ? A place that has no lines or times or crimes ? 809 00:47:14,697 --> 00:47:17,099 ? Just good times ? 810 00:47:17,167 --> 00:47:19,134 ? Just good times ? 811 00:47:19,202 --> 00:47:22,604 ? Take me away ? 812 00:47:22,672 --> 00:47:24,540 ? To a place ? 813 00:47:24,607 --> 00:47:29,711 ? Where the good times, good times roll ? 814 00:47:29,779 --> 00:47:33,715 ? Don't let me stay ? 815 00:47:33,783 --> 00:47:35,751 ? In this place ? 816 00:47:35,819 --> 00:47:40,221 ? Where this hate can steal my soul ? 817 00:47:40,289 --> 00:47:41,390 come on. 818 00:47:41,458 --> 00:47:42,858 ? This is it ? 819 00:47:42,925 --> 00:47:46,728 ? I'm finally here ? 820 00:47:46,796 --> 00:47:52,901 ? And all the blurry lines are clear ? 821 00:47:52,969 --> 00:47:55,203 ? And everything that I can see ? 822 00:47:55,271 --> 00:47:57,773 ? Seems to make more sense to me ? 823 00:47:57,841 --> 00:48:01,243 ? Why the hell can't I just let it go? ? 824 00:48:01,311 --> 00:48:03,245 ? Let it go, yeah ? 825 00:48:06,649 --> 00:48:08,350 come on. 826 00:48:08,417 --> 00:48:10,719 ? Take me away ? 827 00:48:10,787 --> 00:48:12,487 ? To a place ? 828 00:48:12,555 --> 00:48:19,194 ? Where the good times, good times roll ? 829 00:48:19,261 --> 00:48:21,797 ? Don't let me stay ? 830 00:48:21,864 --> 00:48:23,331 ? In this place ? 831 00:48:23,399 --> 00:48:30,339 ? Where this hate can steal my soul ? 832 00:48:30,406 --> 00:48:35,743 ? Let the good times roll ? 833 00:48:35,811 --> 00:48:40,949 ? Take it away ? ? Let the good times roll ? 834 00:48:41,017 --> 00:48:46,422 ? Take it away ? ? Let the good times roll ? 835 00:48:46,489 --> 00:48:51,025 ? Let the good times roll ? 836 00:48:51,093 --> 00:48:53,662 yeah! 837 00:49:04,573 --> 00:49:06,508 Woman: There you go, kitty. 838 00:49:07,310 --> 00:49:08,777 Hit it. 839 00:49:08,845 --> 00:49:10,813 ? Blockin', boppin', beat nonstoppin' ? 840 00:49:10,880 --> 00:49:13,082 ? Jumpin' up and down till the neighbors start stalkin' ? 841 00:49:13,149 --> 00:49:15,617 ? Rainin', wailin', I ain't complainin' ? 842 00:49:15,685 --> 00:49:17,686 ? Can't bring me down with the beats I'm playin' with ? 843 00:49:17,754 --> 00:49:20,522 Yeah. Come on, everybody. 844 00:49:20,590 --> 00:49:22,324 ? We got it going on ? 845 00:49:22,392 --> 00:49:25,427 ? Go, go, go, go, go, go ? 846 00:49:25,495 --> 00:49:26,795 ? We got it going on ? 847 00:49:26,863 --> 00:49:28,730 ? Ho, ho ? 848 00:49:28,798 --> 00:49:29,998 ? Ho, ho ? 849 00:49:30,065 --> 00:49:31,766 ? We got it going on ? 850 00:49:34,237 --> 00:49:36,571 Kimmel: Wow. 851 00:49:38,407 --> 00:49:42,077 Even Pamela Anderson's cats fuck on videotape. 852 00:49:44,947 --> 00:49:46,315 Pam, Scott Baio just called. 853 00:49:46,383 --> 00:49:49,184 He wants to know if he left a jean jacket in your vagina. 854 00:49:50,886 --> 00:49:52,254 Oh, Jimmy, don't be mean. 855 00:49:52,322 --> 00:49:53,689 I'm sorry. 856 00:49:53,757 --> 00:49:57,459 If Anna Nicole Smith played the guitar, our next presenter 857 00:49:57,527 --> 00:49:59,061 would be getting quite a run for her money. 858 00:49:59,128 --> 00:50:00,529 Love-Cobain: Shut up, Jimmy. 859 00:50:00,596 --> 00:50:02,430 She's here tonight on loan 860 00:50:02,498 --> 00:50:05,067 from the L.A. county Sheriff's Department. 861 00:50:05,134 --> 00:50:06,468 Jimmy, stop it. 862 00:50:06,536 --> 00:50:08,503 The fact that she has chosen to attend this event 863 00:50:08,571 --> 00:50:10,105 is further proof that she is a danger 864 00:50:10,173 --> 00:50:11,940 to both herself and others, but don't worry. 865 00:50:12,008 --> 00:50:14,810 She slipped herself a roofie before the show. 866 00:50:14,877 --> 00:50:17,145 We should be fine. Maybe not. 867 00:50:17,213 --> 00:50:21,016 Cover your heads, hide the mike stands, for Courtney Love. 868 00:50:27,524 --> 00:50:30,559 Jimmy Kimmel has a lot of balls for sticking up for me all year 869 00:50:30,626 --> 00:50:31,926 and being really nice to me 870 00:50:31,994 --> 00:50:34,095 even after I got carted away to Bellevue. 871 00:50:34,163 --> 00:50:36,532 And before I even start this, I want to say that 872 00:50:36,599 --> 00:50:41,770 I never saw the Tommy Lee and Pam video 873 00:50:41,838 --> 00:50:44,505 because I thought it was bad Karma to watch that. 874 00:50:44,573 --> 00:50:47,008 Yes! You know. Okay. 875 00:50:47,076 --> 00:50:48,710 I'm not really a comic, you know. 876 00:50:48,778 --> 00:50:50,812 I'm a smoker. 877 00:50:53,016 --> 00:50:55,450 I've been clean and sober for a year, 878 00:50:55,518 --> 00:50:57,986 so all these drug yokes -- Jokes are retarded. 879 00:50:58,053 --> 00:51:00,455 "Yokes." Jokes. 880 00:51:03,158 --> 00:51:05,927 I'm wondering, why am I here? Why am I here? 881 00:51:05,995 --> 00:51:08,830 It was a nice change from the usual sort of... 882 00:51:08,897 --> 00:51:10,631 "Where am I?" 883 00:51:12,135 --> 00:51:14,903 You know, last year, when I was being carted off to Bellevue, 884 00:51:14,970 --> 00:51:17,038 I was sort of above myself looking down, 885 00:51:17,106 --> 00:51:19,775 and all I could think looking on the gurney was, 886 00:51:19,843 --> 00:51:23,078 "Pam would look so much better in this straitjacket than me." 887 00:51:27,316 --> 00:51:29,851 I'm feeling a relapse. 888 00:51:29,919 --> 00:51:33,388 Where's that Eddie Griffin guy? He was funny. 889 00:51:33,456 --> 00:51:35,724 You know, you African-Americans only know about me 890 00:51:35,791 --> 00:51:38,460 'cause I've been arrested. 891 00:51:38,528 --> 00:51:40,595 Me and Pam both have really wild reputations. 892 00:51:40,663 --> 00:51:42,831 As a matter of fact, last week I was handcuffed. 893 00:51:42,899 --> 00:51:45,400 I was maced. I was locked in a cell. 894 00:51:45,468 --> 00:51:47,769 I was sodomized without a condom. 895 00:51:47,836 --> 00:51:50,872 And just my luck, I lost the guy's number. 896 00:51:53,409 --> 00:51:55,276 So, okay, I don't know that this is true, 897 00:51:55,344 --> 00:51:56,911 but it's been said on television, 898 00:51:56,979 --> 00:51:58,413 it's been said in "Rolling Stone." 899 00:51:58,481 --> 00:51:59,681 It's about both of us. 900 00:51:59,749 --> 00:52:02,351 Apparently, me and Pam both have a reputation 901 00:52:02,418 --> 00:52:05,186 for being the best fucks in the entire world... 902 00:52:06,989 --> 00:52:09,458 'Cause we give it all. 903 00:52:09,525 --> 00:52:12,026 The only... 904 00:52:12,094 --> 00:52:13,595 For instance, Pam is a girl that you want to fuck 905 00:52:13,663 --> 00:52:14,930 and tell all your friends about 906 00:52:14,998 --> 00:52:16,698 and I'm the girl that you want to fuck 907 00:52:16,766 --> 00:52:19,134 and you refuse to tell any of your friends about 908 00:52:19,202 --> 00:52:20,569 and then go see the doctor. 909 00:52:22,238 --> 00:52:24,773 Um... 910 00:52:24,841 --> 00:52:27,008 And Pam's my real friend. 911 00:52:27,076 --> 00:52:31,212 This isn't, like, a joke roast. I'm here giving my rock cred -- 912 00:52:31,280 --> 00:52:33,215 My knock-on-wood, 913 00:52:33,282 --> 00:52:35,883 never-had-a-bad-review rock cred to Pam Anderson 914 00:52:35,951 --> 00:52:38,686 because I actually totally love her. 915 00:52:38,754 --> 00:52:40,488 And we are really, really close, 916 00:52:40,556 --> 00:52:42,624 and Pam and I have our differences. 917 00:52:42,692 --> 00:52:45,426 She falls in love with musicians. 918 00:52:45,494 --> 00:52:48,397 I fall in love with good musicians. 919 00:52:51,033 --> 00:52:53,101 But no matter how much we disagree, 920 00:52:53,169 --> 00:52:55,036 I can't stay mad at her. 921 00:52:55,104 --> 00:52:57,138 The other day she sat on my sunglasses, 922 00:52:57,206 --> 00:52:58,706 and she broke them. 923 00:52:58,774 --> 00:53:02,176 But it was my fault. I was wearing them at the time. 924 00:53:02,244 --> 00:53:04,612 And when it comes to drugs, 925 00:53:04,680 --> 00:53:08,616 you know, me and Pam are total opposites. 926 00:53:08,684 --> 00:53:10,652 I have to pay for mine. 927 00:53:12,989 --> 00:53:14,790 Speaking of drugs, hi, Tommy Lee, 928 00:53:14,857 --> 00:53:16,324 you goddamn professional. 929 00:53:17,894 --> 00:53:19,594 Let me stand here and pretend 930 00:53:19,662 --> 00:53:22,497 that we have never slept together. 931 00:53:29,739 --> 00:53:33,308 I want to clear something up about Pamela Anderson. 932 00:53:33,376 --> 00:53:37,112 She is not just a bimbo who has sex with rock "stars." 933 00:53:37,180 --> 00:53:38,914 She also has sex with big, huge movie producers 934 00:53:38,981 --> 00:53:40,849 who tell her they're gonna put her in their movies, 935 00:53:40,916 --> 00:53:43,885 and then they don't. 936 00:53:43,953 --> 00:53:45,320 We're gonna go goth. 937 00:53:45,387 --> 00:53:48,123 Get a fucking Betty page haircut, right? 938 00:53:48,191 --> 00:53:51,727 Date Marilyn Manson -- I'm gonna totally make you read 939 00:53:51,794 --> 00:53:53,061 like Elroy, right? 940 00:53:53,129 --> 00:53:55,631 I'm gonna shut up. All right. 941 00:53:55,698 --> 00:53:57,832 Pam, I think you have a lot of depth. 942 00:53:57,900 --> 00:53:59,367 I think you're really deep, 943 00:53:59,435 --> 00:54:00,769 because even though I didn't see the video, 944 00:54:00,837 --> 00:54:04,673 I have seen pictures of Tommy Lee's cock. 945 00:54:04,741 --> 00:54:08,376 It's like -- It went, like, here -- 946 00:54:08,444 --> 00:54:11,446 It's, like -- 947 00:54:11,513 --> 00:54:14,583 How do you take that with that Barbie pussy? 948 00:54:14,651 --> 00:54:17,719 No, I never saw the video! I swear to god! 949 00:54:17,787 --> 00:54:19,254 Pam, I've got a great idea. 950 00:54:19,321 --> 00:54:22,057 I'm gonna teach you to be a rock star. 951 00:54:22,124 --> 00:54:24,325 Seriously, I want you to cut your little perfect nails 952 00:54:24,393 --> 00:54:27,663 and learn the three essential punk rock chords on your guitar 953 00:54:27,730 --> 00:54:30,198 and you can teach me how to sit on Hugh Hefner's lap 954 00:54:30,266 --> 00:54:33,134 and call him "daddy" without puking. 955 00:54:33,201 --> 00:54:37,071 Am I gonna get to that point, Pam? 956 00:54:37,139 --> 00:54:39,240 Give it up for Kirstie Alley, everybody. 957 00:54:39,308 --> 00:54:41,509 Yeah, Kirstie Alley. 958 00:54:47,817 --> 00:54:51,686 Okay, here's something you don't know about Pam Anderson. 959 00:54:51,753 --> 00:54:53,322 Her father was actually Mensa level. 960 00:54:53,389 --> 00:54:54,756 He had an IQ of 160. 961 00:54:54,824 --> 00:54:56,591 He also had big huge man tits, 962 00:54:56,659 --> 00:54:59,660 and you can figure out what she inherited, right? 963 00:55:01,964 --> 00:55:04,266 Pam, the truth is I love you, really, a lot. 964 00:55:04,333 --> 00:55:06,768 I really do. 965 00:55:06,835 --> 00:55:08,370 And I want to protect you 966 00:55:08,438 --> 00:55:10,271 from all these evil fucking stand-up guys 967 00:55:10,339 --> 00:55:13,041 that are trying to make their goddamn name making fun of you. 968 00:55:13,108 --> 00:55:14,943 Fuck them. 969 00:55:15,011 --> 00:55:16,745 All right. 970 00:55:16,812 --> 00:55:18,847 You know what my favorite thing about you is? 971 00:55:18,915 --> 00:55:21,283 Other than your tits and your ass and your thighs 972 00:55:21,350 --> 00:55:23,051 and your cheeks and your teeth and your hair, 973 00:55:23,119 --> 00:55:25,520 you're so fucking real. 974 00:55:25,587 --> 00:55:29,156 I love you, Pamela. I really do. 975 00:55:30,726 --> 00:55:34,463 All right, that was my comedy debut. 976 00:55:34,530 --> 00:55:36,698 Satan. 977 00:55:40,903 --> 00:55:43,405 Courtney has asked me to invite everyone 978 00:55:43,472 --> 00:55:46,007 to the intervention after the show. 979 00:55:46,074 --> 00:55:49,211 I'm clean and sober for a year! 980 00:55:49,278 --> 00:55:50,812 I hope that's not true 981 00:55:50,880 --> 00:55:54,483 because if you're not on drugs, you've got problems. 982 00:55:58,621 --> 00:56:00,855 Nicely done, though. 983 00:56:00,922 --> 00:56:03,825 Our next performer is where I put my penis 984 00:56:03,893 --> 00:56:06,761 when I'm thinking about Pamela Anderson. 985 00:56:09,164 --> 00:56:11,766 She is one of only two people in this room 986 00:56:11,834 --> 00:56:13,335 who have given me a blowjob. 987 00:56:13,402 --> 00:56:15,303 That's right, I'm talking to you Carolla. 988 00:56:15,371 --> 00:56:18,974 She is one of the hairiest women on the planet. 989 00:56:19,041 --> 00:56:21,142 She is the Zira to my Cornelius. 990 00:56:21,209 --> 00:56:23,645 Please say hello to the apple of my eye 991 00:56:23,712 --> 00:56:26,348 and the plum in my anus, Sarah Silverman. 992 00:56:33,756 --> 00:56:37,158 Sarah... We love you. 993 00:56:37,226 --> 00:56:40,294 Do it for Frances Bean, please. 994 00:56:40,362 --> 00:56:43,165 You can do the right thing. 995 00:56:43,232 --> 00:56:44,966 You know what? 996 00:56:45,034 --> 00:56:47,535 I'm not gonna make fun of Jimmy this year 997 00:56:47,603 --> 00:56:51,072 because I don't want him to withhold his tiny penis from me. 998 00:56:51,139 --> 00:56:55,443 That's so hacky. He doesn't have a tiny penis. 999 00:56:55,511 --> 00:56:59,514 It looks small next to his gigantic balls. 1000 00:56:59,582 --> 00:57:02,450 I'm a ball man. 1001 00:57:03,986 --> 00:57:06,254 You know how like... 1002 00:57:06,321 --> 00:57:08,055 You know how a smell can just 1003 00:57:08,123 --> 00:57:10,258 totally take you back to a place? 1004 00:57:10,325 --> 00:57:12,460 The other day, I went into an elevator, 1005 00:57:12,528 --> 00:57:15,429 and it smelled just like the hallway of my high school. 1006 00:57:15,497 --> 00:57:20,235 Jimmy's balls smell exactly like my Nana's house... 1007 00:57:20,302 --> 00:57:23,171 They smell like lemons! 1008 00:57:23,238 --> 00:57:27,342 ...Benson and Hedges deluxe ultra lights and brisket. 1009 00:57:32,047 --> 00:57:34,615 God, I miss her. 1010 00:57:36,485 --> 00:57:39,087 I don't know. Maybe it's the other way around. 1011 00:57:39,154 --> 00:57:41,322 Maybe my Nana's house all these years 1012 00:57:41,390 --> 00:57:43,090 has smelled like Jimmy's balls. 1013 00:57:43,158 --> 00:57:45,860 Maybe that's how you know it's the one. 1014 00:57:49,131 --> 00:57:51,332 I'll never forget the first time I saw Jimmy's balls. 1015 00:57:51,400 --> 00:57:55,103 They were on Adam Carolla's chin. 1016 00:58:03,379 --> 00:58:05,980 You know, before I met Adam, I really... 1017 00:58:06,048 --> 00:58:07,882 I prejudged him, you know? 1018 00:58:07,950 --> 00:58:12,187 And knowing him now, it's just I was totally wrong about him. 1019 00:58:12,254 --> 00:58:17,992 He's such a special guy. He's got such a depth to him. 1020 00:58:18,060 --> 00:58:21,963 He has passions, such as shitting, 1021 00:58:22,031 --> 00:58:26,300 lighting farts, music, smelling farts. 1022 00:58:26,368 --> 00:58:29,971 And he actually has a really big penis. 1023 00:58:30,038 --> 00:58:31,172 I've never seen it before, 1024 00:58:31,239 --> 00:58:34,709 but Jimmy says it feels like 10 inches. 1025 00:58:41,784 --> 00:58:43,384 Jeff Ross is here. 1026 00:58:43,452 --> 00:58:45,954 Pam, I don't know if you know this, but Jeff is actually 1027 00:58:46,022 --> 00:58:48,289 best friends with one of your costars, Elon Gold. 1028 00:58:48,356 --> 00:58:51,292 Their noses went to Hebrew school together. 1029 00:58:53,162 --> 00:58:57,498 Who else is here? Andy Dick. 1030 00:58:57,566 --> 00:58:58,867 Andy! 1031 00:58:58,935 --> 00:59:00,335 Love-Cobain: Stay sober! 1032 00:59:00,402 --> 00:59:01,802 Here's to it. 1033 00:59:01,870 --> 00:59:04,439 Andy is an inspiration to me. 1034 00:59:04,507 --> 00:59:08,676 His body actually turns cocaine into riboflavin. 1035 00:59:12,481 --> 00:59:14,916 A lot of people make jokes about Andy being gay. 1036 00:59:14,984 --> 00:59:17,586 I came here to tell you Andy is definitely straight. 1037 00:59:17,653 --> 00:59:20,955 He just asked out Katie Holmes. 1038 00:59:26,562 --> 00:59:28,929 Everybody's doing jokes about Bea Arthur has a penis. 1039 00:59:28,997 --> 00:59:31,098 It's so mean, and I happen to know for a fact 1040 00:59:31,166 --> 00:59:32,467 that she doesn't have a penis. 1041 00:59:32,535 --> 00:59:34,469 She has a vagina, okay? 1042 00:59:34,536 --> 00:59:36,837 She has a big, floppety, sloppy, 1043 00:59:36,905 --> 00:59:40,041 bushy, wiry, gray vagina. 1044 00:59:45,080 --> 00:59:49,784 Which reminds me, Courtney Love is here, who I love. 1045 00:59:49,851 --> 00:59:53,387 Trying to steal your boyfriend. 1046 00:59:53,455 --> 00:59:56,658 I know. It's okay. It's weird. 1047 00:59:56,726 --> 01:00:01,496 I was curious to see which Courtney love was gonna show up. 1048 01:00:01,563 --> 01:00:05,166 The smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore, 1049 01:00:05,234 --> 01:00:09,738 or the violent smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore. 1050 01:00:16,679 --> 01:00:18,279 Wow. 1051 01:00:18,347 --> 01:00:19,814 No, I'm so glad she's here. 1052 01:00:19,881 --> 01:00:21,849 I left my crack in my other purse. 1053 01:00:21,917 --> 01:00:24,018 I don't do that anymore, Sarah! 1054 01:00:24,086 --> 01:00:26,287 I swear to god, it's been a year. 1055 01:00:26,355 --> 01:00:29,824 You got it, doll. 1056 01:00:29,892 --> 01:00:31,659 But we're here for Pam. 1057 01:00:31,727 --> 01:00:35,597 Let's talk about the woman of the hour, Pam Anderson. 1058 01:00:35,665 --> 01:00:37,532 Wow! 1059 01:00:40,436 --> 01:00:44,739 Now, I don't really know Pam personally, 1060 01:00:44,807 --> 01:00:48,643 but I'll never forget the first time I saw her asshole. 1061 01:00:51,246 --> 01:00:53,748 I knew she had that special something. 1062 01:00:53,816 --> 01:00:56,151 I couldn't put my finger in it. 1063 01:00:59,254 --> 01:01:01,656 She's gorgeous, of course. 1064 01:01:01,724 --> 01:01:04,992 But even she'll admit that it takes work. 1065 01:01:05,060 --> 01:01:07,061 She literally spends hours 1066 01:01:07,129 --> 01:01:09,097 primping and waxing and bleaching. 1067 01:01:09,165 --> 01:01:11,699 But enough about her asshole. 1068 01:01:11,767 --> 01:01:13,667 Let's talk about... 1069 01:01:15,904 --> 01:01:18,540 ...say, her vagina. 1070 01:01:18,607 --> 01:01:21,709 It's the only way you can tell a woman's true hair color, 1071 01:01:21,777 --> 01:01:24,612 and lucky for you, I actually caught a glimpse of it 1072 01:01:24,680 --> 01:01:26,580 backstage while she was changing, 1073 01:01:26,648 --> 01:01:28,616 and her true hair color? 1074 01:01:28,684 --> 01:01:30,518 Bald. 1075 01:01:30,585 --> 01:01:33,154 Totally bald. 1076 01:01:35,724 --> 01:01:38,526 Pam's got two gorgeous sons. 1077 01:01:38,594 --> 01:01:41,495 They're actually the only two guys 1078 01:01:41,563 --> 01:01:44,065 that have ever come out of Pam. 1079 01:01:51,240 --> 01:01:52,807 A lot of people say, 1080 01:01:52,875 --> 01:01:56,944 "Oh, Pam Anderson wouldn't be anyone without her tits." 1081 01:01:57,012 --> 01:01:59,980 And that is just not true. It's not true. 1082 01:02:00,048 --> 01:02:03,317 She'd be Paris Hilton. 1083 01:02:07,355 --> 01:02:10,191 I actually -- oh. 1084 01:02:10,259 --> 01:02:15,396 I actually did a guest role on "VIP." 1085 01:02:15,464 --> 01:02:18,265 It was a lot of fun, and we were shooting on the beach one day, 1086 01:02:18,333 --> 01:02:20,101 and in between takes, she ran up to me, 1087 01:02:20,169 --> 01:02:21,936 and she was like, "Oh, my god, Sarah! 1088 01:02:22,003 --> 01:02:23,638 Quick, pee on me!" 1089 01:02:23,705 --> 01:02:24,839 And I was like, "Oh, my god! 1090 01:02:24,907 --> 01:02:26,374 Did you get stung by a jellyfish?" 1091 01:02:26,441 --> 01:02:29,277 And she said, "What's a jellyfish?" 1092 01:02:34,016 --> 01:02:38,152 Pam, who is an amazing, special, 1093 01:02:38,220 --> 01:02:41,722 gorgeous, and kind person 1094 01:02:41,790 --> 01:02:44,124 who's only here because of a huge donation 1095 01:02:44,192 --> 01:02:46,560 that comedy central agreed to give to P.E.T.A., 1096 01:02:46,628 --> 01:02:48,562 where she works. 1097 01:02:48,630 --> 01:02:50,698 And she's amazing, especially her work 1098 01:02:50,766 --> 01:02:53,568 with the one-eyed trouser snake, 1099 01:02:53,635 --> 01:02:57,204 which she did a few years ago. 1100 01:02:58,774 --> 01:03:00,775 She actually... 1101 01:03:00,843 --> 01:03:05,513 She made a video, actually, 1102 01:03:05,580 --> 01:03:09,317 where she cradled it in her arms 1103 01:03:09,384 --> 01:03:12,486 and actually nursed it back to life... 1104 01:03:12,554 --> 01:03:15,623 With her mouth. 1105 01:03:15,691 --> 01:03:18,793 All that... 1106 01:03:18,861 --> 01:03:22,096 And she still has time to suck Tommy Lee's cock 1107 01:03:22,164 --> 01:03:23,731 on a yacht in St. Barths. 1108 01:03:23,798 --> 01:03:27,134 God bless you, Pamela. And happy birthday, America. 1109 01:03:38,814 --> 01:03:41,249 What can you say about our next presenter 1110 01:03:41,317 --> 01:03:44,051 that hasn't already been said about Bea Arthur? 1111 01:03:44,119 --> 01:03:46,253 The vein in his penis 1112 01:03:46,321 --> 01:03:48,723 is bigger than my penis. 1113 01:03:48,790 --> 01:03:50,524 If you've ever fucked Pamela Anderson 1114 01:03:50,592 --> 01:03:53,194 and didn't feel a thing, he is the man to thank. 1115 01:03:53,261 --> 01:03:55,563 He is the drummer from Warrant or maybe Dokken. 1116 01:03:55,631 --> 01:03:56,897 I'm not sure which really. 1117 01:03:56,965 --> 01:04:00,601 Here he is, Tommy Lee. 1118 01:04:08,343 --> 01:04:12,180 Can I get a big "Hell, yeah" for Pamela? 1119 01:04:14,750 --> 01:04:16,884 Hi, baby. 1120 01:04:16,952 --> 01:04:18,119 You know what? 1121 01:04:18,187 --> 01:04:21,055 This has been absolutely fucking incredible. 1122 01:04:21,122 --> 01:04:23,491 And if I've learned one thing 1123 01:04:23,559 --> 01:04:28,028 is that all comedians have small dicks. 1124 01:04:28,096 --> 01:04:31,299 That's right. It's true. 1125 01:04:31,367 --> 01:04:33,467 Yeah, well... 1126 01:04:33,535 --> 01:04:36,504 No, that's not true. 1127 01:04:36,572 --> 01:04:39,206 You do? 1128 01:04:39,274 --> 01:04:40,841 You've seen it. 1129 01:04:40,909 --> 01:04:43,611 Let me see. That's small, dude. 1130 01:04:45,781 --> 01:04:47,381 Compared to you. 1131 01:04:48,583 --> 01:04:51,485 With a name like Andy Dick, it should be a lot bigger. 1132 01:04:53,589 --> 01:04:55,423 All right, well, yeah. Whatever, yeah. 1133 01:04:55,491 --> 01:04:57,592 Okay, so I got a big one. What do you expect? 1134 01:04:57,660 --> 01:04:59,693 Stand up... 1135 01:04:59,761 --> 01:05:02,897 I mean, who else could get a woman like Pamela Anderson? 1136 01:05:02,965 --> 01:05:05,232 Duh? And I thought I was dumb. 1137 01:05:05,300 --> 01:05:08,002 Stand up, Tommy. You don't have to lean. 1138 01:05:08,070 --> 01:05:10,672 But I like to lean. I like to get close to it. 1139 01:05:10,739 --> 01:05:13,541 Really close to it. 1140 01:05:13,608 --> 01:05:16,777 Okay, actually, Jimmy Kimmel came up to me backstage, 1141 01:05:16,845 --> 01:05:20,147 and he asked me what it was like to have slept with Pam. 1142 01:05:20,215 --> 01:05:22,383 And I said, "Well, it must be like 1143 01:05:22,451 --> 01:05:25,986 the feeling that a comedian gets when you get a huge laugh." 1144 01:05:26,054 --> 01:05:29,257 And Jimmy said, "Could you be more specific?" 1145 01:05:32,327 --> 01:05:36,597 And Courtney Love, god, it's so great to see you... 1146 01:05:36,665 --> 01:05:40,668 Without a hospital gown and restraints on. 1147 01:05:40,735 --> 01:05:43,337 And, god, Courtney can really rock the house -- 1148 01:05:43,405 --> 01:05:45,473 Or at least throw rocks at the house 1149 01:05:45,541 --> 01:05:47,874 at 3:00 in the morning, drunk off her ass 1150 01:05:47,942 --> 01:05:50,377 until the cops take her away in handcuffs. 1151 01:05:55,250 --> 01:05:56,884 Oh, god. 1152 01:05:56,952 --> 01:05:58,753 Speaking of people I met in rehab, 1153 01:05:58,821 --> 01:06:00,254 Dennis Rodman's here tonight. 1154 01:06:00,322 --> 01:06:01,722 Give it up. 1155 01:06:04,293 --> 01:06:06,260 The only guy on the earth 1156 01:06:06,327 --> 01:06:10,098 with more rebounds than me and Pam. 1157 01:06:10,165 --> 01:06:11,332 Okay. 1158 01:06:11,400 --> 01:06:14,535 Now for the real reason I came here tonight -- 1159 01:06:14,603 --> 01:06:20,107 To honor my beautiful, talented, compassionate blond ex-wife. 1160 01:06:20,175 --> 01:06:24,311 Unfortunately, Heather Locklear couldn't be here tonight. 1161 01:06:24,379 --> 01:06:28,449 So let's make fun of Pamela instead, okay? 1162 01:06:30,085 --> 01:06:31,986 Okay. 1163 01:06:32,054 --> 01:06:35,323 This is actually a special time for Pam to be here 1164 01:06:35,390 --> 01:06:38,993 because she just turned 38 and her tits just turned 14. 1165 01:06:41,996 --> 01:06:46,701 Pam, I'll always remember the very first time that we met. 1166 01:06:46,768 --> 01:06:49,336 It was at a club in Los Angeles. 1167 01:06:49,404 --> 01:06:51,405 You spotted me from across the room. 1168 01:06:51,473 --> 01:06:52,573 You walked up to me, 1169 01:06:52,641 --> 01:06:55,943 and you said those magical five words. 1170 01:06:56,011 --> 01:06:59,012 "I will fuck any drummer." 1171 01:07:03,585 --> 01:07:06,520 Pam and I shared one of history's greatest romances. 1172 01:07:06,588 --> 01:07:09,357 It's like that book... Um... 1173 01:07:09,424 --> 01:07:13,094 Uh... 1174 01:07:13,162 --> 01:07:14,295 Who am I kidding? I've never read a book. 1175 01:07:14,363 --> 01:07:17,264 I can barely read my fucking tattoos. 1176 01:07:17,332 --> 01:07:20,001 Okay. 1177 01:07:20,068 --> 01:07:22,403 Well, you can't imagine what it's like 1178 01:07:22,471 --> 01:07:24,238 coming home to Pam every night. 1179 01:07:24,306 --> 01:07:27,041 I mean, unless you own an inflatable doll 1180 01:07:27,108 --> 01:07:29,744 that nags and pays for your piercings. 1181 01:07:32,514 --> 01:07:35,383 I'm kidding, baby. I'm so kidding. 1182 01:07:35,417 --> 01:07:38,051 Pam is the sweetest person alive. 1183 01:07:38,119 --> 01:07:40,254 I mean, look how much she loves animals. 1184 01:07:40,322 --> 01:07:45,092 The closest thing I've ever seen her come to animal cruelty 1185 01:07:45,160 --> 01:07:49,329 was the time she shaved her pussy. 1186 01:07:52,934 --> 01:07:55,636 She's always doing cool stuff to spice up our love life 1187 01:07:55,704 --> 01:07:58,606 like the trapeze she installed in our bedroom. 1188 01:07:58,673 --> 01:08:02,376 To this day, I cannot go to a circus without getting a boner. 1189 01:08:02,444 --> 01:08:07,248 Honestly, I can't go anywhere without getting a boner. 1190 01:08:09,717 --> 01:08:12,587 Like I said, Pam, we've had our ups and downs -- 1191 01:08:12,654 --> 01:08:15,389 Mostly in bed -- 1192 01:08:15,457 --> 01:08:17,992 But I'll make you a deal tonight, okay? 1193 01:08:18,060 --> 01:08:21,028 I'll forgive you for Kid Rock, 1194 01:08:21,096 --> 01:08:25,766 if you forgive me for the stripper in Detroit, 1195 01:08:25,834 --> 01:08:27,535 the twins in Grand Rapids, 1196 01:08:27,603 --> 01:08:29,370 the blonde from the House of Blues, 1197 01:08:29,437 --> 01:08:31,305 the brunette from the House of Blues, 1198 01:08:31,373 --> 01:08:34,542 and the redhead I'm meeting later tonight. 1199 01:08:36,511 --> 01:08:39,880 And, of course, Bea Arthur. 1200 01:08:44,419 --> 01:08:47,788 Okay, Pam, before I leave, 1201 01:08:47,856 --> 01:08:51,292 I just wanted to say, you've always been there for me, 1202 01:08:51,359 --> 01:08:54,762 and your spirit and kindness is an inspiration to me. 1203 01:08:54,829 --> 01:08:59,666 Like I said 500,000 times on that damn sex tape, 1204 01:08:59,734 --> 01:09:02,403 I fucking love you, baby. 1205 01:09:12,613 --> 01:09:14,781 Kimmel: On this channel on September 10th, 1206 01:09:14,849 --> 01:09:17,952 our final roaster tonight has a one-woman show about divorce, 1207 01:09:18,019 --> 01:09:19,920 dieting, and dating black people -- 1208 01:09:19,987 --> 01:09:23,224 By choice, not because she has to because she's fat. 1209 01:09:23,292 --> 01:09:24,325 It is called, 1210 01:09:24,392 --> 01:09:27,061 "I would rather suck my grandfather's balls 1211 01:09:27,128 --> 01:09:28,395 than watch it." 1212 01:09:28,463 --> 01:09:31,399 She is the reason why Italian men beat their wives. 1213 01:09:31,466 --> 01:09:33,767 Please welcome Lisa Lampanelli. 1214 01:09:38,072 --> 01:09:39,073 Come on. 1215 01:09:39,140 --> 01:09:41,375 Clap for fat and untalented. Come on. 1216 01:09:41,442 --> 01:09:43,477 Let them hear it. Clap for Jimmy. 1217 01:09:43,545 --> 01:09:46,480 Doing a great job all night, and big hand for me 1218 01:09:46,547 --> 01:09:49,850 having to follow this bunch of "Surreal Life" wannabes. 1219 01:09:49,918 --> 01:09:51,318 Come on, fuckers, clap. 1220 01:09:51,386 --> 01:09:53,421 I gotta go last. I'm not famous yet. 1221 01:09:53,488 --> 01:09:55,489 Suck my cock. 1222 01:09:57,492 --> 01:09:59,160 But back to our host, 1223 01:09:59,227 --> 01:10:02,196 the soon-to-be-canceled Jimmy Kimmel. 1224 01:10:02,263 --> 01:10:05,198 Come on. Nobody watches that piece-of-crap show. 1225 01:10:05,266 --> 01:10:07,434 A horse shitting on a parade route 1226 01:10:07,502 --> 01:10:10,170 has a bigger following than Jimmy Kimmel. 1227 01:10:10,238 --> 01:10:13,841 Hitler got more laughs than Jimmy Kimmel, 1228 01:10:13,909 --> 01:10:16,777 and he did it without Jewish writers. 1229 01:10:19,114 --> 01:10:23,784 Tom cruise watched it and went on antidepressants. 1230 01:10:27,389 --> 01:10:31,092 What a dais we have tonight, folks. 1231 01:10:31,159 --> 01:10:34,762 We've got a drag queen, a pervert, and a drug addict, 1232 01:10:34,830 --> 01:10:38,365 and I'm only talking about Andy Dick. 1233 01:10:40,602 --> 01:10:44,505 Andy Dick... What a fruity bastard. 1234 01:10:44,573 --> 01:10:46,440 I'm not saying Andy Dick is gay, 1235 01:10:46,507 --> 01:10:48,475 but I will say he's been known 1236 01:10:48,543 --> 01:10:52,679 to guess the flavor of a popsicle just by sitting on it. 1237 01:10:56,451 --> 01:10:59,052 But don't get me wrong. I love gay guys. 1238 01:10:59,120 --> 01:11:01,154 If it wasn't for these fags, 1239 01:11:01,222 --> 01:11:04,024 us fat chicks would have no friends. 1240 01:11:04,092 --> 01:11:07,561 But enough about that pickle kisser. 1241 01:11:11,332 --> 01:11:15,202 And Courtney Love, what a legend. 1242 01:11:15,270 --> 01:11:16,637 I love Courtney. 1243 01:11:16,705 --> 01:11:19,873 Courtney Love's band was called "Hole." 1244 01:11:19,941 --> 01:11:23,376 Hole -- Not "whole" as in "complete," 1245 01:11:23,444 --> 01:11:27,814 but "Hole" as in "dirty, stinky pussy." 1246 01:11:30,385 --> 01:11:34,422 What a whore Courtney is. 1247 01:11:34,489 --> 01:11:38,725 She would suck a dick for a diet. 1248 01:11:42,029 --> 01:11:43,663 Don't worry, honey. 1249 01:11:43,731 --> 01:11:46,734 I do it just for the taste of it. 1250 01:11:52,374 --> 01:11:54,575 I see Eddie Griffin is here tonight. 1251 01:11:54,643 --> 01:11:56,510 I don't know much about you, Eddie, 1252 01:11:56,578 --> 01:12:00,647 but I do know I love your brothers, Damon and Marlon. 1253 01:12:06,588 --> 01:12:08,188 But you know me, Eddie. I love the black man. 1254 01:12:08,256 --> 01:12:09,689 I'm a white girl with a big ass. 1255 01:12:09,757 --> 01:12:14,528 I've had more black dick in me than a urinal at the Apollo. 1256 01:12:21,102 --> 01:12:25,105 I've banged so many black guys, I'm getting ashy. 1257 01:12:27,342 --> 01:12:31,679 Eddie Griffin and Dennis Rodman, the only two blacks on the dais. 1258 01:12:31,747 --> 01:12:34,915 I understand why comedy central only had two of youse here -- 1259 01:12:34,983 --> 01:12:37,884 Any more and there'd be a shooting. 1260 01:12:37,952 --> 01:12:41,621 But enough about the coloreds. 1261 01:12:48,163 --> 01:12:49,663 We're here tonight 1262 01:12:49,731 --> 01:12:53,367 to celebrate the career of the most famous woman in the world, 1263 01:12:53,435 --> 01:12:55,636 Pamela Anderson. 1264 01:12:55,704 --> 01:12:57,905 Pam Anderson... 1265 01:12:57,973 --> 01:13:01,408 Is a legend. 1266 01:13:01,476 --> 01:13:04,745 She has dated Scott Baio, the singer from Poison, 1267 01:13:04,813 --> 01:13:07,147 and the drummer from Motley Crue. 1268 01:13:07,215 --> 01:13:10,150 Her life story should be a show on VH1 1269 01:13:10,218 --> 01:13:13,687 called "I Fucked the '80s." 1270 01:13:20,762 --> 01:13:22,128 Pam, you are all woman, 1271 01:13:22,196 --> 01:13:25,165 but how did you physically have sex with Tommy Lee? 1272 01:13:25,233 --> 01:13:26,533 He has a huge schlong. 1273 01:13:26,601 --> 01:13:29,169 If he put that thing in front my face, 1274 01:13:29,237 --> 01:13:33,307 I wouldn't know whether I should suck it or feed it a peanut. 1275 01:13:37,212 --> 01:13:39,746 But I'm gonna be honest. I'm sitting up here tonight. 1276 01:13:39,814 --> 01:13:41,982 And I'm not comfortable with all these people 1277 01:13:42,050 --> 01:13:43,417 taking shots at Pam Anderson. 1278 01:13:43,484 --> 01:13:47,020 We on this dais are no one to make fun of this woman. 1279 01:13:47,088 --> 01:13:49,723 I ask you, can any of you done what she's done? 1280 01:13:49,791 --> 01:13:52,258 No! 1281 01:13:52,326 --> 01:13:54,494 Would "Baywatch" have been number one 1282 01:13:54,562 --> 01:13:57,664 if it were Jimmy Kimmel's boobs jiggling in slow motion? 1283 01:13:57,732 --> 01:13:59,199 No. 1284 01:13:59,267 --> 01:14:01,535 Jimmy can't get anyone to watch his show now 1285 01:14:01,602 --> 01:14:04,204 and they jiggle at regular speed. 1286 01:14:04,272 --> 01:14:07,975 Could Adam Carolla have made David Hasselhoff rich 1287 01:14:08,043 --> 01:14:10,277 just by wearing a bathing suit? 1288 01:14:10,345 --> 01:14:12,012 Of course not. 1289 01:14:12,080 --> 01:14:15,382 No one wants to see his furry nut sack in a speedo. 1290 01:14:17,719 --> 01:14:19,553 It would look like a squirrel 1291 01:14:19,621 --> 01:14:23,490 fighting its way out of a crown royal bag. 1292 01:14:31,399 --> 01:14:33,333 I'm not done. 1293 01:14:35,136 --> 01:14:36,604 And that sex video -- 1294 01:14:36,671 --> 01:14:38,839 No one on this dais could have done that. 1295 01:14:38,906 --> 01:14:41,542 If Andy Dick would have blown Tommy Lee on screen, 1296 01:14:41,609 --> 01:14:43,009 would it have made millions? 1297 01:14:43,077 --> 01:14:44,077 No. 1298 01:14:44,145 --> 01:14:46,613 Andy Dick has blown thousands of men, 1299 01:14:46,681 --> 01:14:50,450 and he hasn't made enough money to pay for his vagina surgery. 1300 01:15:05,800 --> 01:15:08,535 But all jokes aside, Pam, 1301 01:15:08,602 --> 01:15:10,437 seriously, I'd like to thank you 1302 01:15:10,505 --> 01:15:13,807 for giving me the opportunity to make fun of you tonight. 1303 01:15:13,875 --> 01:15:16,376 I think the reason the world loves you so much 1304 01:15:16,444 --> 01:15:18,512 is that you are beautiful and famous, 1305 01:15:18,579 --> 01:15:23,116 yet you still treat everyone you meet with kindness and respect. 1306 01:15:29,657 --> 01:15:33,560 As a woman not nearly as famous or as beautiful, 1307 01:15:33,628 --> 01:15:35,796 let me say from the bottom of my heart, 1308 01:15:35,864 --> 01:15:37,064 knock it off, bitch, 1309 01:15:37,131 --> 01:15:39,600 you're making me look like a foul-mouthed cunt. 1310 01:15:39,668 --> 01:15:42,235 Thank you, guys. 1311 01:15:51,412 --> 01:15:52,913 Kimmel: And now, ladies and gentlemen, 1312 01:15:52,981 --> 01:15:55,849 a woman who has endured an enormous amount of abuse tonight 1313 01:15:55,917 --> 01:15:57,818 all to support her favorite charity. 1314 01:15:57,886 --> 01:16:01,288 She has been working with P.E.T.A. Since 1989, 1315 01:16:01,356 --> 01:16:02,790 the day her gynecologist 1316 01:16:02,857 --> 01:16:05,359 discovered a family of spotted owls 1317 01:16:05,426 --> 01:16:07,494 living in her enormous vagina. 1318 01:16:10,365 --> 01:16:12,966 In all honesty, she's a real sport, and god bless her. 1319 01:16:13,033 --> 01:16:15,068 She really knows how to suck a penis. 1320 01:16:15,136 --> 01:16:17,170 Please welcome our guest of honor, 1321 01:16:17,238 --> 01:16:19,273 the one and only Pamela Anderson. 1322 01:16:25,213 --> 01:16:26,479 All right. 1323 01:16:26,547 --> 01:16:28,148 Fuck off. 1324 01:16:30,284 --> 01:16:31,818 Thank you. 1325 01:16:31,886 --> 01:16:33,319 This has been fun. 1326 01:16:33,387 --> 01:16:35,288 I have to set the record straight, though. 1327 01:16:35,356 --> 01:16:39,492 For the record, I do have a tight pussy. 1328 01:16:39,560 --> 01:16:41,962 Right, Tommy? 1329 01:16:42,030 --> 01:16:43,463 Anyway, it doesn't matter. 1330 01:16:43,531 --> 01:16:47,067 Okay. First of all, I want to thank Jimmy Kimmel for hosting. 1331 01:16:47,135 --> 01:16:49,469 He's been great. He's been so great. 1332 01:16:51,139 --> 01:16:54,107 But then again, as a member of P.E.T.A., 1333 01:16:54,175 --> 01:16:55,642 I love anything with beady eyes 1334 01:16:55,710 --> 01:16:57,777 that can be trained to shit in a box. 1335 01:16:59,313 --> 01:17:00,714 As you can imagine, 1336 01:17:00,782 --> 01:17:02,549 it's been very uncomfortable up here for me, 1337 01:17:02,617 --> 01:17:03,783 at least, these last 90 minutes 1338 01:17:03,851 --> 01:17:05,285 because this is actually 1339 01:17:05,353 --> 01:17:07,721 the longest I've ever been in clothes. 1340 01:17:09,557 --> 01:17:12,826 There's been a lot of talk about all the guys I've had sex with, 1341 01:17:12,893 --> 01:17:14,995 a lot of whom couldn't be here tonight 1342 01:17:15,062 --> 01:17:18,999 because the Staples Center wasn't available. 1343 01:17:20,969 --> 01:17:22,803 I want to thank Jimmy, Adam, Greg, Nick, Andy, 1344 01:17:22,870 --> 01:17:26,973 and everyone else in the room that Sarah Silverman has fucked. 1345 01:17:30,945 --> 01:17:33,346 Eddie Griffin, I would love to have thanked you, too, 1346 01:17:33,414 --> 01:17:35,115 but I'm told Sarah only blew you. 1347 01:17:35,183 --> 01:17:37,384 I guess that last commercial break 1348 01:17:37,452 --> 01:17:39,219 was shorter than she expected. 1349 01:17:39,287 --> 01:17:41,087 I do what I can. 1350 01:17:41,155 --> 01:17:43,056 Funny stuff. 1351 01:17:43,124 --> 01:17:45,526 Lady bunny, I always knew you were crazy, 1352 01:17:45,593 --> 01:17:49,163 but in that skirt, I can clearly see you're nuts. 1353 01:17:52,500 --> 01:17:55,002 Well, I can't believe my friend Courtney Love is here 1354 01:17:55,070 --> 01:17:56,103 doing stand-up comedy. 1355 01:17:56,170 --> 01:17:58,071 This is great. 1356 01:17:58,139 --> 01:17:59,806 I knew she could do comedy. 1357 01:17:59,874 --> 01:18:02,409 I just didn't know she could stand up. 1358 01:18:06,414 --> 01:18:09,349 I mean, she and I have been friends for years. 1359 01:18:09,417 --> 01:18:12,486 She remembers -- one of them. 1360 01:18:12,553 --> 01:18:15,022 Actually, Nick DiPaolo came up to me backstage 1361 01:18:15,090 --> 01:18:17,057 and told me he was a huge Hole fan. 1362 01:18:17,125 --> 01:18:21,361 So I introduced him to Lisa Lampanelli. 1363 01:18:24,199 --> 01:18:26,566 Ross: You go, girl. 1364 01:18:26,633 --> 01:18:29,703 Andy, I want to thank you for your hilarious doctor sketch. 1365 01:18:29,771 --> 01:18:33,240 I know how nauseous it makes you to touch a woman. 1366 01:18:35,643 --> 01:18:38,344 Oh, you know what? I forgot Greg Giraldo. 1367 01:18:38,412 --> 01:18:41,048 But so have the rest of you. 1368 01:18:41,116 --> 01:18:44,050 Is my shirt see-through? Darn it. 1369 01:18:44,118 --> 01:18:47,287 Oh, damn. 1370 01:18:47,354 --> 01:18:49,122 Not again. 1371 01:18:49,189 --> 01:18:51,157 Underdressed again. 1372 01:18:51,225 --> 01:18:53,660 Okay, no one tell. 1373 01:18:53,728 --> 01:18:56,663 Bea, I want to thank you for reading my book. 1374 01:18:56,731 --> 01:18:58,231 My publicist was right. 1375 01:18:58,298 --> 01:19:01,134 It does sound much sexier in a man's voice. 1376 01:19:01,202 --> 01:19:04,270 Oh, my boobs are so out there. Sorry. 1377 01:19:04,338 --> 01:19:08,241 Thank god this is Comedy Central. 1378 01:19:08,309 --> 01:19:10,277 Yeah, it's all right. It's okay. 1379 01:19:10,344 --> 01:19:12,780 Yeah. It's all right. Okay. 1380 01:19:12,847 --> 01:19:17,617 Okay, yes, we've all heard all night how Tommy's well-endowed, 1381 01:19:17,685 --> 01:19:19,886 but he's also very charming. 1382 01:19:19,954 --> 01:19:22,756 Tommy, I remember when we met you had the best pick-up line. 1383 01:19:22,823 --> 01:19:26,126 You said, "I'm very well endowed and charming." 1384 01:19:26,194 --> 01:19:29,862 I remember the first time I saw Tommy's penis, 1385 01:19:29,930 --> 01:19:33,633 I was speechless, until my throat healed. 1386 01:19:39,640 --> 01:19:42,042 Tommy, you and I were together for three years 1387 01:19:42,109 --> 01:19:44,144 and through it all, I can honestly say 1388 01:19:44,212 --> 01:19:47,981 those were the happiest years of your life. 1389 01:19:52,086 --> 01:19:53,620 Okay, I've had a great time tonight, 1390 01:19:53,688 --> 01:19:55,689 but I have to say, the reason I went through this 1391 01:19:55,756 --> 01:19:57,490 was to benefit the P.E.T.A. Organization. 1392 01:19:57,558 --> 01:19:59,626 I want to thank them for all their incredible work, 1393 01:19:59,693 --> 01:20:01,928 and I want to thank everyone here tonight. 1394 01:20:01,996 --> 01:20:04,197 And none of this would have been possible 1395 01:20:04,265 --> 01:20:08,068 without my two dear friends, Poncho and Lefty. 1396 01:20:09,036 --> 01:20:12,306 Good night, everybody. Thanks. 1397 01:20:12,373 --> 01:20:14,474 Ooh! Jesus Christ! 1398 01:20:14,541 --> 01:20:17,444 Let's jump Pam. Come here. 1399 01:20:22,449 --> 01:20:24,985 I want to thank everyone for coming tonight. 1400 01:20:25,052 --> 01:20:27,220 Call the police! Good night. 1401 01:20:27,288 --> 01:20:29,956 Bye! 106342

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