All language subtitles for American Pie Presents Beta House 2007.en

[ Man ]
*Early in the mornin'

*Before I clear my mind

*I grab a funky glass
and I drink a cup of wine *

*Then I turn my music box
to the latest news of love *

*Let the music
set me groovin' *

*I've got to groove
groove, groove *

*To the music

*Feel it

*I've got to groove
groove, groove *

*To the music

[ Man ] Man! Would you
look at all the hot tail
runnin' around this place?

Look. Look.
[ Groans ]

Dad, can you just please,
please don't embarrass me
today, okay?

Embarrass you?

Son, you spent
the entire summer
depressed...

because your girlfriend
ran off with that
pretty boy Trent.

Now you've gotta
get out there
and crush some ass.

- That's the only way you're
gonna get your mind off her.
- Yes. Yes.

That is what I'm talkin' about.
Yes.

"Crush some ass"?
Aw, come on.

Wait, wait, wait.

I'll show you
how it's done.
No, no, no.

Shh, shh, shh. Watch this.
Just watch and learn.
Please drive--

Excuse me. Uh, ladies? Hi.

Hi. This is my son Erik.

Hi.
Mmm.

And, uh--
[ Clears Throat ]

He's moving in today,
and we were just
wondering...

if maybe either of you
were interested in
showing him a good time.

[ Laughs ]
No, thanks.

Oh!
[ Laughs ]
[ Laughs ]

He's a stallion--
[ Groans ]

Just like his old man.
No, Dad, come on.

Well, I tried, huh?
Yeah, thanks.
Now I'm gonna have to transfer.

[ Chattering ]

Son. Son.
Yeah?

I wanna show you
something.

This is the list
of all the chicks
I ever banged.

Are you serious?
Is that two-sided?
It is. Nice.

Yeah, it's a good goal
for you to try to keep up
with your old man.

Hey, Dad, why isn't Mom's name
the last name on the list?

There?
Uh, we didn't tell you,
but when you were three,

we had a trial separation
for a week.
Trial sep--

Uh, Dad, there's, like--

Well, there's 10 names here
for that week alone.

Yeah, I went on kind
of a poontang bender there.
Is that my mom's name?

Yeah, you know,
on second thought I'll
just kind of hang onto that.

Come on, guys,
let's get loaded here.

Cooze, grab a box.

You had sex
with his mom?
Yeah.

How was it?
Yuck.

[ Chattering ]

Wow. This place is amazing.

- Hi.
- God, there are
girls everywhere.

- Uh-- This is my room.
- It still kind of sucks
we're not rooming together.

Dude, whatever.
You're gonna be
right down the hall.

Besides, I got a single.

Hold onto this.
I'm gonna find
a bathroom.

All right.
I'll be right back.

Oh, my God.
Hi. How ya doin'?
Mike Coozeman. Glad to meet you.

My God.

- Wow! This is gonna take
some getting used to.
- Huh.

Yeah, um, isn't--
Isn't this the guys' bathroom?

No, it's coed.
All the dorms are like this.

Cool. Coed. Yeah.

Don't worry.
I won't peek.

Yeah, I won't peek, uh--
I won't peek either.

I'm Ashley.
What's your name?

I'm Erik.
Hmm.

-Well, it's nice
to meet you, Erik.
- Nice to meet you too.

Hey, do you think
you could pass me my shampoo?

It's just right there.

- Mm-hmm. Yeah. Just gimme a--
a minute here, okay?
- Thanks.

-Erik?
- [ Chuckles ]

Erik? A little help here?

[ Groans ]
[ Squeaking ]

[ Man ]
Ride the white whale, baby.
Ride the white whale.

Oh, my God.
Oh, man, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
The door was open.
You must be Erik. I'm Bobby.

Hi. Hey, hey.

Come on in, man.
No, no, no.

It's-- You guys are busy.
I can come back later.

This is your place too.
Don't worry about Margie.
She's not exactly shy.

- No, she's not.
- Sit down. You want a beer?

- Uh, no.
- You sure?

Yeah.
Are you hungry? Margie
cooked up some mean bratwurst.

No, I just had a sandwich.
Thanks.

- Where you from?
- East Great Falls.

East Great Falls.
[ Moaning ]

Slow down, sassy pants.

All right, baby,
I'm trying to have
a conversation.

Yeah.
[ Chuckles ]

College! Yeah.
Best years of our lives.

Yeah.
Put it up.

Oh, high-- High five.
[ Chuckles ]

- You wanna jump in on this?
- No.

- Come on. Margie loves it.
-No, no, no, Margie.

No. No, no, no. I'm good.
Look, uh--

It was very nice
to meet you,
Bobby and Margie.

Actually, I just came
to change my pants.

I spilled a drink
on it earlier.

- [ Gagging ]
- [ Chuckles ]
Are you role-playing again?

Say the safe word, baby.
Say the safe-- Baby?

Are you choking?
Dude, I-I think she's choking.

- What?
-I think she's choking.
You gotta do something.

-Do something.
-I can't. I'm tied up and basted
like a Thanksgiving turkey.

- Hold on.
I'll find the spot.
- Come on.

- Oh.
- Breathe!

What do you want me
to do with all this--
Oh! Erik, no.

- [ Groaning ]
- All right, Son!

Yeah. That's what being
a Stifler's all about.

No, no. She was choking.
That's it.

That's how Stiflers do college.

Now, let's just give
these kids some privacy.

Doin' good. Keep it up.

I'm not trying
to freak you out, roomie,
but I just totally came.

[ Chattering ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Man ]
*A lollipop
And I won't stop *

*Gonna lick that sweetness

* [ Continues ]

[ Beeping ]

Hey, ladies.
Is this where, uh--

[ Beeping ]

Laura Johnson
and Sara Coleman live?

Yeah. I'm Laura Johnson,
and this is my roommate Sara.

My name is Dwight Stifler.
I'm here with the freshman
welcoming committee.

I've been given instructions
to escort you ladies on
a guided tour of the campus.

- That's so sweet.
- Yeah.

Should we wear anything special?

* [ Pop ]

Dude, there is no way
that everybody in this
is a student here.

I'm, like, look--
He's holding her boob.
[ Laughs ]

-He is.
- No, man, they are.

I've had a subscription
for, like, a year.

[ Sniffs ]
Oh, that'll be good.

[ Laughs ]
That's not cologne, man.

I've used that exact issue
more times than I could count.

[ Sniffs ]
You smell pretty.

[ Laughs ]
Mmm.

Ow!
[ Knocking ]
Sorry.

That was so uncalled for.

Wow.

Is this Erik Stifler's room?

Yeah.

Welcome to college, boys.

Yeah, no.
I wouldn't lie to you.
I'm dead serious.

Most sororities
won't even give you a bid
unless you've had a threesome.

It shows that you work well
within the group dynamic,

that you're really prepared
for sisterhood.

You know what I'm sayin'?
Really?

Yeah.
Oh, man, who is this guy?

Dude, he's the reason
we came to college here.

* [ Pop ]
[ Laughing, Chattering ]

- Here we are, boys.
-[ Erik ]
Oh, man, she's hot.

- You like that?
- That was awesome.

I like to give
a little bit back
every now and then.

- Hey, hey, shower buddy.
- Oh, hey. Hi.

-Shower buddy?
-Yeah. Erik and I met when
I was showering this afternoon.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh, right,
the coed bathrooms.
Yeah.

It took me about
three years to get the board
of trustees to approve that one.

- Worth it.
- Oh, Ashley, Hi. This--
Everyone, this is Ashley.

-Ashley, this is everyone.
-[ Ashley ]
Hi, everybody.

This is my roommate Denise.
She just came here from Georgia.
Hey, y'all.

Oh, well, I do declare.
A real-life Scarlett O'Hara.

- Oh, my.
- You guys aren't
taking off, are you?

Yeah, we're going
to this cocktail mixer at
the Epsilon Sigma Kappa house.

Uh, no. No, no, no.
The geek house?
No. Trust me.

I wanna stay, but--
[ Ashley ]
But we promised, so--

Plus, Ashley thinks
this party is a little bit
déclassé.

What, like sleazy?

Hey, how you doin', sweetheart?
Grab a beer.

No, you've got the wrong idea
about this whole thing.

This is just a little
meet-and-greet that I set up...

to sort of, you know,
demonstrate our school spirit,

and our, you know, dedication
to this university.

Beta house fuckin' rules!

[ Crowd Cheers ]

- [ Yelling ]
-[ Laughter ]

- Yeah!
- Real classy.

Hmm. Erik, it was really
nice to see you again.
Yeah.

Guys.
Yeah, see ya.

-Bye. Nice to meet you.
- See ya.

Hey, Stifler, what's up
with this geek house?

-Yeah, I never even heard of it.
-I know a geek house
sounds harmless,

but they are a nightmare.

[ Dwight Narrating ]
They were a social club
for decades,

until a group of rich geeks
came in and threw
some money around,

built the house
and got a new charter.

- [ Erik ] A geek fraternity?
- [ Dwight ] To get in you need,
like, perfect S.A.T. scores.

Patch that two million
to my Swiss account.

[ Dwight ]
Then they check
your family tree...

and calculate future
earnings potential.

No, I said buy at 60,
not sell at 60.
You're fucking fired!

[ Dwight ]
They got billionaire alumni,
Hey, it's only 100 grand.

They run the student government,

and the faculty loves 'em.

But, uh, don't even
get me started on the women.

They attract the hottest women
from the entire school.

[ Erik ]
Who wants to hang out
with a house full of geeks?

[ Dwight ]
It's a new world out there.

These women realize
that the geeks...

are gonna be the millionaires
right out of school.

They've just adjusted
their nesting habits.

Hey, don't sweat it.
Beta's still where
the party's at, right?

Oh! Look out. Stifler--

The judging's about to begin.
All right.

Judging?

* [ Dance ]
[ Crowd Roaring ]

Aw, the Beta house
never disappoints.

Are you serious?
It's always like this?
All the time.

-These girls are ridiculous!
- Ridiculous!

Get the clip board.

Whoo.

Sweetie, you are naughty.
I am keeping you after class.

Bring that ruler.
I have also been bad.

And this one over here
has got great abs.

They look like
fresh buttered rolls
right out of the oven.

Great!
This is the best idea
I've ever had!

This is a chicken scratch.
You're a caveman.

Oh!

[ Crowd Cheering ]

She's pullin' 'em out.
She's pullin' 'em out!

[ Together ]
Perfect tits!

Whoo!
Whoo!

Beta!
Come on!

Ladies and gentlemen,
depravity is haunting
this university.

Sex, alcohol, vulgarity,

stupidity.

Once this was a respected
institution of higher learning.

We are declaring
a new age at
this university--

An age in which a student's
worth is no longer measured
by his blood alcohol level,

but rather, his G.P.A.

We formed this fraternity
to change the way...

geeks are thought of
in this country.

But, as history has proven,

for a new civilization
to emerge,

another must crumble.
[ Blows ]

We must destroy the Betas.

* [ Dance ]
[ Chattering ]

Hey, Stacy.

My hands are wet.
I can't get this beer open.
Will you do it for me?

[ Cheering ]

Thanks. Those Kegel
muscle exercises are really
payin' off, huh?

So what do we have to do
to become Betas?

Uh, well, obviously
you guys are cool with me.

What you need to do is impress
the rush chair, Wesley.
Have you guys met Wesley?

[ Both ]
Uh-huh.
You haven't? All right.

He's in the other room.
Come on. I'll introduce you.
Follow me.

* [ Piano:Fu%r Elise]

Don't be fooled
by his appearance.

His nickname is
the Blackout Menace.

He's a perfect student
except for his habit of
getting belligerently drunk,

blacking out, causing
complete and total mayhem,

and never remembering
a thing.

[ Jet Engines Whining ]

[ Bell Dings ]

Uh, excuse me.

- Where is this plane going to?
- Detroit.

[ Exhales ]

[ Laughing ]
Thank God.

Uh, excuse me.
Where is it coming from?

- Bangkok.
- [ Muttering ]

Whose kid is that?
Yours.

You adopted him yesterday.
Congratulations.

Hey, buddy.

Are you serious?

Yep. Just dropped Sung Lee off
at their embassy this last week.

Kid nearly caused
an international incident.

Wesley.

Sorry to interrupt.

- Wesley, this is my cousin
and his buddies.
- Hi.

Uh, Erik, right?
Yeah.

Mike Coozeman.
How come we didn't
see you last year?

I was in a Mexican jail.
I had to tunnel my way out,

but I made it back
in time for finals,

which is what we're
all about here at Beta--
education.

- Right.
- You wanna dance?

Yep.
Mm-hmm.

Let's get sexy.

[ Whistling ]
Hey.

You ready?
There's 100 hot,
horny chicks here tonight.

Countin' on you.

* [ Hip-hop ]

[ Man ]
*When it's time
for underground flavor *

*Hip-hop make you change
your behavior *

* [ Continues, Indistinct ]

Get some, baby.
Get some.

* [ Jazz ]

*Call me irresponsible

*Call me unreliable

*Throw in undependable too
You've gotta be kidding.

[ Pounds On Keyboard ]
Are you gonna
start drinking?

Because I desperately
need a wingman.

I'm not drinking tonight, Bull.
I had a rough night last week.

Oh, really?

Really? That's fine.

Because then I just might
have to tell these
fine young ladies...

about a certain
frat boy and a...

- Mexican transvestite.
- All right, all right,
all right.

[ Girls Murmuring ]
One drink.

Yeah. Just one.
[ Sniffs ]

* [ Pop ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

Hey. What the hell's
with you, man?

Can you not see
all this prime ass
a foot from your face?

Yeah, man, I see it.
It's-- It's pretty cool.

Yeah, it's cool.
You should be
tearin' it up.

You guys, it's just--
Remember last year
we came up here?

I had the time of my life.
I did stuff I never would have
dreamed I would have ever done.

I kind of figured
it would change me.

Yes, okay.
So you got drunk
and you ran naked, right?

But you blew it
with a really hot
sorority chick...

to run home and have sex
with your little girlfriend.

That might have won you
points in high school,
but this isn't high school.

- No.
- I guess you guys are right.

College is your one chance
to start over. You get to
hit the reset button on life.

You can be anybody
you wanna be.

I never thought of it
like that before.

Yeah. Here. Slug that.

- Attaboy.
Julie, this is my cousin Erik.
- [ Woman ] Hi, Erik.

I just wanted you to know,
Erik voted for you
in the hottie contest,

and since he's, like,
the ladies' man
of the family,

I totally trust
his taste.
Thanks, cutie.

You wanna dance, gorgeous?
I'd love to.

Anybody you wanna be.
[ Mouthing Words ]

[ Man ]
*Groove, groove, groove

*To the music

*Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

*To the music

Wow. you can really
put that away.

Kiddin' me?
This stuff is
like water to me.

*To the music--

* [ Ends ]
[ Crowd Clamoring ]

Hey, hey.
Everybody settle down
for a second.

We're just having
a little minor
technical glitch.

No big deal.
We'll get everything
fixed up in a minute.

[ Man Laughs ]

I don't think so, Stifler.

You see, you overloaded
your prehistoric circuits.

I'm afraid your music
won't be coming on...

for the rest of the night.
Don't-Don't listen to him.

We'll get everything
fixed in a minute.
That won't matter.

Because by Jake's calculations,
based on the amount of kegs
and liquor you bought,

you should be running out
just about... now.

- Bullshit.
- [ Sobbing ]
The fucking kegs are dry.

[ Crowd Clamoring ]
We're out of fucking booze!

- Aah!
- [ Groaning ]

Settle down. It's fine.
We'll make a beer run.
They could do that.

Or you can all come
to the geek house,

where we have enough liquor
to last a week, along with...

all the champagne
you can drink.

We also have a heated pool,
and enough swimsuits
for everyone.

That is, if you even
want to wear one.

[ Cheering ]
[ Screams ]

Are you fucking kidding me?

It's your choice, people.
Stay here and get puked on--

Okay, I'm out of here.
I'm so sorry.

Or come party V.I.P. style.

[ Cheering ]

* [ Rock ]

Fuckin' Edgar.
[ Growls ]

Prick really knows how
to throw that money around, huh?

Oh, yeah.
Probably doesn't help
that numb nuts here...

barfed all over
the chicks, either.

I'm sorry about that.

- You look disgusting.
-[ Groaning ]

- Cryin' out loud, man.
- I'll clean it up.

[ Groaning ]

Not again.

Mmm. Mornin', sexy.

Some party, huh?

Hey, baby.
How you doin'?

No. No, no, no.

* [ Man Singing In Spanish ]

How you feelin' there, Cuz?

A lot better. Thanks.

No need for thanks.
We're family.
Right now I gotta run.

I gotta go down to the basement,
take care of some
official Beta business.

- Have some of Peaches' eggs.
- Okay.

All right. Thanks, Peaches.
Adios, guapo.

[ Dwight ]
Oh, buddy.

[ Laughs ]
[ Man ]
Whoo!

I love this place.
Attaboy.

Off the hook.
So, uh-- So, guys.

The hard-on champ
is in?
Yeah.

Aye, aye.
Yeah.

* [ Dance ]
[ Dwight ]
Yeah. I love this guy.

Beta! I love Beta!
[ Laughter ]

[ Man ]
He had the best rack
at the party.

Fuckin' love Beta, man!

[ Laughter ]
Shut up. Shut up.

Everyone calm down.
I told you I didn't
want to drink.

Look how the pig squeals.
Look how the pig squeals.

All in favor
of Bobby Coolidge.

- Man, oh, yeah.
- He's in.

[ Dwight ]
All right, all right.

[ Man ] Oh!
[ Man #2 ]
Jesus, man.

Whoo!
[ Wesley ] This guy really
knows how to work a room.

Give him a bid.
He'll be a pussy magnet,
buddy.

Yeah!
[ Laughs ]

[ Screams ]
[ Man, Laughing ]
Oh, no.

[ Dwight ]
All right, that's my cousin.
Take it easy.

No offense,
brother, okay?

But I don't know
if your cousin is up
for the challenge, man.

I'm with Bull on this one.

I mean, he's a nice kid,
but he passed up sleeping
with Brandy, man.

All right, all right,
all right.

Look, I know Erik missed
his big chance to, like,
sleep with the one girl...

that I'm assuming
everybody would lop off
your left nut to bang.

Am I right?
[ Bull ]
Two nuts.

- All right, does that mean
he's not Beta material?
-[ Betas ] Yes!

He was young and dumb
and in love. He's a--
He's a late bloomer.

I think he's gonna
surprise you this semester.

And anyway, he's a legacy,
so he's automatically
gettin' a bid,

so you can all fuck off.

Aye?
Yeah.
Aye, aye.

[ Dwight ]
Yeah, that's what
I thought, bitches.

[ Toilet Flushes ]

- Hey, you.
- Hi.

- We have to stop
meeting like this.
- [ Chuckling ] Yeah.

Are you okay?
Yeah. I just had
a really rough night.

Oh.
[ Laughs ]

You know, I think
Denise has a crush
on your friend Cooze.

She thinks he's sweet.
[ Laughs ]

- Denise thinks
Cooze is sweet.
- Uh-huh. Yeah.

Uh--

Wait. Ashley--
Erik, I--

-I've been thinking--
- I'm just thinking. Do--

- Do you wanna go
out with me once?
- Yeah.

- Really?
- Yeah. That would be
really nice.

Okay. Keep, uh--
You have really
pretty teeth, by the way.

[ Door Opens, Closes ]

[ Alarm Bell Ringing ]

-[ Ringing Continues ]
- [ Clamoring ]

What's goin' on?
Oh, man. This sucks.

Hey, guys, don't go that way.
This way is quicker.

[ Yawns ]
I was just dreamin'
about this great sandwich.

[ Groaning ]

[ Groans ]
Wait a second.
Where are we?

I don't see
any sandwiches here.

Hey, guys.
You wanna see something?

- [ Gasps ]
-[ Cooze ]
Yes.

That is--
[ Sizzling ]
[ All Groan ]

Gentlemen,

today is the first day
of the rest of your lives.

You are the select few
who have been chosen
to pledge the Beta house.

Beta, baby!

Now, most fraternities
do the pledging thing...

a little bit differently
than we do.

Most pledging
consists of...

hate-filled mental
and physical hazing
designed to break you down.

But here at Beta,
I, Dwight Stifler,
your pledge master,

have devised an elaborate
scientific plan...

to build teamwork
and brotherhood.

Gentlemen, I give you...

your pledge board.

[ Murmuring ]

- It's huge.
-On this pledge board
are 50 tasks...

that you and your
pledge brothers
must complete...

by semester's end
if you wanna become Betas.

To start things off,

I say we begin
with my personal favorite--
Number 37.

[ Man ]
*Put your hands up like

*Do it how you do it
when you *

*Uh, uh, uh, yeah

*Put your hands up here
Put 'em, put 'em high-- *

Okay, so here's the lowdown.

One of you has got to get
you ass signed by a stripper,
with photo proof.

All right?

All right, we're gonna
go get a drink. Wesley?

Don'tbother us.

- Okay, who's gonna try
and do this?
-* [ Continues ]

Oh, you guys, Igotthis.

Who's got a pen?
Ah. That'll do.

Hey, baby, how's about
signin' my ass
while I'm up here?

- Whoa!
- [ Clamoring ]

She got Cooze!
We gotta help him.
Bobby.

- [ Groans ]
- Ooh! Down goes fatty.

Stripper brawl!

* [ Hard Rock ]

Ooh! Cousin got clothes-lined.
That's a shame.

[ Grunts ]

That's gonna leave
a big bruise.

Those girls
are wild tonight.

I used to fuck
girls like you in prison.

[ Groans ]

Oh, I love
a good stripper brawl.

Who doesn't?

-[ Cooze ]
She started it.
- Here's your fuckin' shoe!

What? I didn't do anything.
You charged that stripper
with a pen,

like you were gonna
shove it in her ass.

If her panties had smelled
like waffles you'd have done
something about it.

Guys, shut up.
Shut up.
[ Chattering ]

Fat idiot.
Ow!

There you go. See?
Bad things happen to--
Hey there, gorgeous.

You work here?
Yeah, sweetie.

You see, we're pledging
the Beta house right now,

and one of our tasks
is to get our ass signed...

by a strip--
professional dancer...

like yourself.

So I was just, you know,
wondering if maybe
you'd do me the honor.

That's a different approach
than the boys usually take
in this place.

Bend over.

Thanks.
My name's Erik Stifler,
by the way.

Can I get a shot
for the yearbook?

[ Chuckles ]
[ Camera Beeps ]

-[ Bobby ] Nice smile.
- You any relation
to Dwight Stifler?

- He's my cousin.
- Hey, Stifler.

Candy, how are you, sweetheart?
Good to see you.

I can see where
he gets his charm from.

You come
see me soon, okay?
You know I will.

All right, boys.
Hey, congratulations.
Task 37 in the bag.

Good job, boys.
That's our first task completed.

I think that
stripper's implant
broke my face.

- Task 15 is go.
- [ Honking ]

- Steal an ostrich.
- Have sex in the dean's office.

-Serenade a woman at the 901.
- Drink a gallon of milk
without pissing.

- Do a traditional dance
at the International Club.
- Open an illegal casino.

Drive down to Mexico
and get a tattoo.

Get so drunk
you piss your pants.

* [ Classical ]

- Sweet Caesar's ghost.
- [ Honks ]

- [ Honking ]
- [ Screaming ]

Fifteen-- check.
Check.

Sixteen-- check.

[ Speaking
Foreign Language ]

Mmm.

Hmm!
[ Speaking Foreign Language ]

Who's that guy?
He's my Swahili instructor.

I have my proficiency exam
next week.

Nice.
Yeah.

Hey, what's--
What's this golden hammer
doing in here?

Uh, it's from
the Greek Olympiad.

It was, like, a series
of competitions...

involving skill
and deviant behavior.

They got really out of hand,
so the university banned
them for life.

The Betas were legendary
at 'em though.
We never lost.

Cool.
Yeah.

Oh, and remember, Erik--

[ Speaking Foreign Language ]

Hmm?
Yeah. Yeah.

[ Sniffs ]

Swahili.

* [ Rock ]

[ Erik ]
This place is swell, isn't it?
[ Ashley ] Yeah.

Look how juicy.
Sucking the crab.

Wow.
This place is fun.

Yeah. Yeah, this place
is awesome.

I thought you'd
like it here, you know?

- I like this mallet.
- [ Groans ]

[ Laughs ]
Oh, my God.
Are you okay?

Mmm.
Here.

It's all right.
Doesn't really
taste that bad.

[ Laughing ]
Dude, I'm telling you--

This chick
can't get enough of me.

I did her again last night.

I can't believe that.
You're the man.

I think I know that girl.

You know, not all frat guys
are like those guys.
I know.

I guess I just have
a jaded opinion.

Really? Why's that?

It's just the typical story.

Boy meets girl.
Boy goes off to college,
joins a frat.

Starts sleeping
with every girl he can.

Girl finds out
and dumps his ass
during winter break.

- Ooh.
- But that was high school.
I'm much older and wiser now.

Right. Older and wiser, and...
you're on a date with a guy
who's pledging a frat.

I know.
And I'm watching you.

Dine and ditch.
Yeah.

[ Erik ]
Yeah, it's one of my favorite--

Ow!
Oh, my God!
Are you okay?

Ooh, it's hot.
A little help here.

* [ Soft Rock ]

You are just the sweetest.

You just bring it
out in me, babe.

[ Man ]
*I was captured
the moment we met *

- Perfect.
- Yeah?

Um-- Careful.

My feet are real sensitive.
Really?

Yeah.

*By the way
Just in case you care *

-*I took a dive
in your deep blue eyes *
- Oh, my.

*Never comin' up for air

- I love foot massages.
-*I lost myself

* [ Continues ]
[ Moans ]

Oh, my. Oh, my.

*One sweet kiss
took away my breath *

*And you drew me in
with your tenderness *

* [ Continues ]
Um, I can't.

I'm sorry.

No, that's cool.
It's totally fine. Really.

Here.

Let me just
take care of you.

Okay.

[ Laughs ]
Whoo.

*Whenever I feel your touch

*Whenever I'm with you

You like that?
God, yeah.

You do that almost as good
as I do.

* [ Woman Singing Ballad ]

How you feelin'?

Hi. Good. Thanks.

Here. Let me see.
Oh. Oh, no, no, no.

Ashley, you really don't
need to do anything.
Oh, my God, Erik.

- You have to put something
on that.
- No, it's a little red--

Here. Let me.

It's really not necessary.

[ Inhales ]
Ooh.

Does it hurt?

No. It's just really cold.

Does that feel better?

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Wow.
[ Laughs ]

Oh, man.
I didn't even touch it.

No, it's no big deal.
I guess I should just take it
as a compliment, right?

I'm sorry. Yeah.
I'm sorry.
It's cool.

Wow. That cream feels good.

Ash, you might want to--
Just relax.

It's still hot.

[ Moaning ]
God.

[ Moans ]

[ Moans ]

Oh, my God! Mr. Biggles!

This is really,
really embarrassing.
No, it's okay. It's okay.

I just haven't seen
anything like that.

Well, I was a virgin
until last year,

and then my girlfriend
dumped me about four months ago.

Okay. Wait, wait, wait.

Are you telling me
that you haven't--

In four months?

Well, you see,
there was this, uh,

incident that made
masturbation very "taboo"--

[ Laughs ]
in my household.

Well, you have more
self-control than most people.

I'm really sorry
about Mr. Biggles.

Yeah.

Ooh.

Um-- Here's--

No. It's--
Right.

[ Bull ]
Oh, baby, I love you.

- Baby, why won't you
tell me you love me too?
- Bull, have you seen Stifler?

- Uh, he's in a meeting.
- What meeting would he be at?

I don't know.
Something important.

And it was
after my parents--

Well, they had to fire
the fourth landscaping crew--

um--

because they caught me
with them,

and that's when I knew...

that I had a problem.

But I have been sex-free
for two years now,

and, you know,
never felt better.

Whoo.
[ Laughs ]

You are so brave.

Get it in there! Yeah!
* [ Rap ]

Faster. Faster.
I'm goin' as fast as I can.

Faster, bad boy.
[ Laughs ]

Oh, my God.
Faster, I said.

Oh! I think I'm gonna--

- You're gonna break it.
- Ooh! Yes! Yes!

Ooh, God, yes.

[ Giggles ]
Oh!

Oh, boy. Whoo!

[ Moaning, Giggling ]

Call yourself a man?

Get back here
and fuck me.
[ Giggles ]

[ Laughs ]

Oh, okay. Okay.
All right, listen.

I just did three times.
Okay, I'm gonna go
get an ice pack,

and then I'll be
right back.

You know a secret?

Ice packs are for pussies.

[ Both Laugh ]

Oh, your friend--
He wants to come play.

I wanna see you again.
[ Growls ]

[ Laughing ]
Oh, yeah.

[ Growling ]
[ Laughing ]

You're bad.
I'm a grizzly bear.

I'm gonna steal
a picnic basket
full of orgasms.

[ Growls ]
Okay, lay your head back.
Lay your head back.

[ Giggling ]
Ready? You ready for it?
Oh, it's coming.

All right,
hands and feet
inside the tram.

Next stop:
Penetration Station, baby.

Hey! Get back here!

Stifler, I forgot
to tell you--
Whoa.

Get your ass...

over here, punk.
Okay.

Oh!
[ Screams ]

[ Paper Tearing ]

Dude, on her teddy bear?
Really?

Dude, he hasn't
busted a nut in,
like, four months.

What do you think I should do?
Man, you gotta
beat the bishop.

Yeah, you need
to punch that clown--
a lot.

What are you
talkin' about?

You need to masturbate, dude.
A lot.
A lot.

So next time you won't
blow your load when you're
rounding first base.

Yeah.

*Oh, I can't wait
till the sun goes down *

*You and me
No one else around *

*Turn the lights down low
Just gotta clean the pipes.

*I'm gonna love you
all night long *

[ Chorus ]
*Gonna love you

*Gonna love you
all night long *

*Gonna love you

*Gonna love you
all night long *

[ Knocking ]

Who is it?
Hey, it's Ashley.

We were gonna hang out,
remember?
Ye--

Yeah. Yeah, I remember.

I-- I lost track
of time, Ashley.
I'll be right there.

- Are you okay in there?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm fine. Um--

- Just gimme one second, okay?
- Erik, are you naked?

I'm just putting on
my T-shirt right now.

Uh-- There it is.

Hi.
Hi.

Can I come in?
Uh, no. Uh--

The place
is actually a mess.
Bobby's disgusting.

Oh, yeah.
But I know
a cool place we can go.

Cool.

[ Door Closes ]

* [ Woman Singing Pop ]

Yeah. All right.

Right hand, yellow.

Ooh. I love this game.

Don't you fall,
or you're losin'
those boxers.

[ Laughs ]
Oh, really?

[ Groans ]
Are you okay?

Uh, yeah. Ow.

Hi.
Hi.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

What-- Are you--
Are you a virgin
or something? Or--

No.
[ Exhales ]

It's just, when I--

When I get too excited--

Oh, it's embarrassing.

Here.

Let me just
take care of you again.

Okay.

[ Laughing ]
Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Cheers. Cheers.

Mmm.
Mmm.
[ Laughs ]

[ Man ]
*Something in your eyes
Let me get that for you--

*Makes me realize
A little spillage.
No big deal.

[ Man ]
*The stars
always shine brighter *

*When you're near

[ Gasps ]
It's not gonna
go off again, is it?

Absolutely not.
I've been practicing
my self-control-- a lot.

A lot?
A lot.

*Is all I need

*You're my everything

*You're all I've been
waiting for *

* [ Continues ]

*You're my everything
[ Giggles ]

[ Clears Throat ]
Come on.

Just how much
have you been working
on your self-control?

I'm really sorry. It's--

It's not working.
[ Laughs ]

My stupid friends--
They said that
if I would--

Erik, it-- It's okay.
It happens.

Wine?

[ Helicopters Overhead ]

All right, boys.
We got a live one here.

Two klicks north.
Three klicks east.

All right.
Three klicks east.

[ Dwight ]
Let's blast her--
The big, giant ones.

Fire in the hole.

Oh!

- Oh, my God.
- [ Laughing ]

[ Inhaling ]
Ahh.

I love the smell
of boobies in the morning.

Hey, so how's it goin'
with Denise?
Mmm.

Well, okay,
so we hooked up,

and...

- she gave me
a couple hand jobs.
- [ Laughing ] Hand jobs?

They're actually
the best hand jobs
I've ever had in my life.

- Oh, really?
- Shut up.

The only problem is,
I tried to stick my hand
down her pants--

She pulls my hands away...

and says
she's embarrassed.
Uh-oh.

Maybe she has an
abnormally large bush.

Yeah, or maybe she's got
a yeast infection. Ooh.
Ugh. Come on.

- Maybe she's got a dick.
- Huh?

What?Crying Game,
Boys Don't Cry?

- That's based
on true stories, boys.
- No.

No. There's no way.
Hey, man, maybe she's
a hermaphrodite.

Transvestite?
Little Shanghai surprise?

You said yourself
she gives you the best hand jobs
you ever had in your whole life.

- Yeah. So?
- So how do you think
she got so good at it?

- Probably from workin'
her own gear.
- [ Laughing ]

So you guys think I might have
been hooking up with a dude
this whole time?

Maybe. There's only
one way to find out.

You gotta get into those pants.

Oh, wait. This is too perfect.
Load it up.
Load it up right now.

[ All Laughing ]

[ Dwight ]
Sorry!

-Whoo! Yeah!
- [ All Laughing ]

* [ Man Singing Ballad ]

[ Moans ]

I want you to go
down on me, Cooze.

Are you sure?
Uh-huh.

'Cause I can wait.
No. I want you
down there now.

Okay.

That's it, Cooze.

[ Muttering ]

That's it, Cooze.

Suck my cock!

She's got a dick!
Hey, are you okay?

Oh, my God.
I just had the worst nightmare.

What was it about?

And who's got a dick?
I do.

[ Screaming ]

Oh, my God.

I can't take this anymore.
[ Sighs ]

[ Phone Rings ]

[ Ringing Continues ]

Hello?
[ Ashley ] I thought you
were gonna call me.

Oh, hey. Uh, yeah.
I-- I fell asleep.

I'm sorry.
[ Knock On Door ]

Were you dreaming
about me?

Maybe.

Hey, can you hold on
for one sec?

'Cause this...

isn't a dream.

Oh, God.
That's not mine.
That's Bobby's.

Uh, that's not mine.

[ Chuckles ]

- Whoo!
- Guys! What the hell
are you doing?

Number 33, baby.
We got a chance to do Number 33,
but we gotta go now.

Half-naked girl here.
Sorry, Ashley.

Dude, the manager just called.
He's got an opening.

We haven't even
rehearsed for that bit yet.

It's our only chance, man.
[ Whispers ]
Do it.

Really?

Ashley, it is Number 33.

Maybe... we could
finish later, or something?

It's cool.

Really?
Mm-hmm.
I'm coming with you.

We rocked that place.

[ Screaming ]

Number 46:
Sex in the stacks.
Chalk it up.

*I just put on
my night face *

Number 26:
Receive a golden shower.

Twenty-seven:
Perform a Cleveland steamer.
Check.

Get a panda in the grotto.

Thirty: Get a "blumpkin."
After corned beef.
It was disgusting.

-All right. Yeah.
- Yeah.

By the power granted to me
by the great country of Canada,

I now pronounce you
life partners.
[ Cheering ]

- Would you like to
seal it with a kiss?
- [ Chuckling ]

Number 41:
Make it official.

[ Chuckles ]
'Cause I'm a gentleman.

Wow. You boys are
such an inspiration.

I think it's time we do a little
mid-semester celebrating.
What do you think?

Yes.
Definitely.

* [ Hip-hop ]

*Let me get to work, baby
I don't wanna waste time *

*I've been known to flirt
Every time I go I face time
See whatever works *

Stifler. I'm afraid
I gotta see everyone's I.D.'s.

- What?
-Come on, Manni.
You're joking, right?

I'm afraid not.
You see, the new ownership
of this establishment...

doesn't condone
underage drinking.

Officers, please escort
these minors from the premises.

-Can I touch your gun?
- All right, okay.
-[ Edgar ] Bye-bye.

You're fuckin'
with traditions, Edgar.

I'm not just fucking
with your traditions.

I'm tearing them down.
[ Chuckles ]

Take him away.

You know, you are
way too classy...

and have way too nice of
a body to be hanging out
with a douche bag.

[ Chuckling ]
Don't listen to him, honey.
Your body isn't that great.

I'll have a gimlet, please.
Thank you.

Stifler.
What?

- Your lawyer's here.
- Excellent. Thanks, Marty.
Send him in.

You have a lawyer?

Thanks for coming.
I'm glad you got here.

Well, you know me,
I'm always down for the cause.

- Betas for life, baby.
- Betas for life.

- Mr. Levenstein.
- Hey, Eric. How's your
mom and dad?

They're good.
They're really good, actually.

Well, that's good.
Hey, guys, this is Noah.
He's a Beta alum.

He's our house counsel
and consigliere. This guy...

has gotten us out of more shit
than you can even imagine.

Well, you Beta boys
do keep me busy.
That's for sure.

Now, I've just talked
to the district attorney.

He's an old school chum of mine.
He's willing to drop
all the charges...

if you promise
never to set foot
in the Silver Dollar again.

This is ridiculous.

Where am I gonna
have Sunday brunch?

Oh, look, I know you're upset.
They do have a great omelet bar.
That's for sure.

- But, uh, you're just
gonna have to give it up.
- No, we can't.

These geeks,
these geeks are messin'
with the Beta way of life.

You want to, uh,
step inside, Noah?

Oh, it's open?
Yeah.

Oh, thanks, Marty.

If you wanna grab a sandwich,
I'll just be a minute.

Look, fellas,

there is a bigger picture here
than the "Beta way of life."

Is that what you thought
when you were in the Beta house?

No.

No, it wasn't.

- So--
-So I think something
has to be done here...

within the confines
of the law, of course.
Of course.

Of course.

So, uh, what would you do?

What would I do?

I would crush those geeks
with every Beta muscle
in my body.

- [ Groans ]
- But that's just me.

See you boys at homecoming.

Say hi to your folks, Eric.
I will. Thank you.

[ Whispering ]
What are we doing?

We gotta find
their trophy, bro.

Freeze, human.

[ Hissing ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Speaking Foreign Language ]

Uphold the Galactic
Alliance...

with my cock.
[ Growling ]

[ Grunting, Groaning ]

What the hell
is going on in there?

Sounds like a dog with
its dick stuck in a vacuum.

Hey, this way.
Come on.
I'm a husky ninja.

Shh.
Hyah!

[ Erik ]
There it is,
the motherboard.

Oh.

[ Swallows ]

[ Gasps ]
Guys, I really
gotta take a dump.

Oh, come on. Not now.
That fast food I ate
put me over.

[ Groaning ]
I can't wait.

Well, hurry up then.
That guy is disgusting.

Hold that.

Okay. All right.

All right.

Gently.

All right.
[ Alarm Blaring ]

Come on.

- Bobby.
-[ Alarm Continues ]

- Ooh! Bobby,
what are you doing, man?
- Upper-decker, baby.

- Shh.
- [ Whispering ]
Oh. Upper-decker, baby.

[ Groaning ]
Oh, my God.

- Betas, we are leaving.
- Go, go, go!

[ Panting ]
What's happening?

Well, pledges,
you completed every task on
the task board in record time.

I, along with every other Beta
in this room, are proud...

to call you our brothers.

- Congratulations.
You're all Betas.
-[ Applause ]

[ Cheering ]

Hey, Cuz.

Here you go.

[ Beeping ]
Oh, la, la.
Gracias.

De nada.

It sounds like you
got yourself a pretty good
girl there, buddy.

Oh, yeah.
You know what, now that
pledge is finally over...

we can spend a lot
more time together too.

What, are you kidding me,
Edgar? Get you and the Mensa
rejects out of my house now.

[ Beeping ]

You have crossed me
for the last time, Stifler!

We're gonna settle this
once and for all.

Whoa! Hey!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What the fuck?

[ Roaring ]

We, the members
of the geek house,

challenge you,
the Beta house,

to the Greek Olympiad.
The Greek Olympiad?

As much as I'd love
to kick your geek ass
up and down the field, Ed,

I hate to tell you
the Greek Olympiad has
been banned for, like, 40 years.

[ Chuckling ]
What's the matter?

Afraid to get into
a little trouble, Stifler?

Afraid?

[ Chuckles ]
Let's do this.

Oh, but there is one catch.
We are playing for charters.

If we win, you give up
your charter, and you move
out of the Beta house.

And if you win,
we move out...

- and you take our house.
- This place against
your mansion?

Consider it another tradition
I plan to tear down.

You're on.

[ Chuckling ]
Vaya con Dios.

Are you out of your mind?
The Greek Olympiad has
been banned for life.

You'll all get
thrown off campus.

That's a chance
we're gonna have to take.

Oh, but the Greek
Olympiad is crazy.

I mean, yes,
it's a combination skill,
endurance, athleticism, granted,

but there is a degree
of perversion in these games...

which I don't think
would serve you kids well.

Do you happen to remember
the name of the last captain
to ever win the Greek Olympiad?

Well, I haven't the foggiest,
because it was so long ago. I--
His name...

was Noah Levenstein.

Uh-huh.

Well, I knew that would
catch up to me one day.

But, you know, fellas, look,
I didn't know what was
going on back then.

- I was just a dumb kid.
- Mr. Levenstein, we need you.

Tradition states that
the last team captain to win
comes back to officiate.

I know it's tradition.
I-- I--

I suppose I could do it.
I'd have to call in and take
a few personal days.

-Excellent. You will not
regret this. I promise you.
-Stifler!

This just came
for you, man.
What is it?

This is interesting.

Hello.

I'm here.
What's this big bombshell?

Are you sure
you weren't followed?

You. What the hell
are you doing here?

- Well, well, Stifler.
- Rock.

Looks like we meet again.
All right. This is a setup.
I'm out of here.

Relax, ass clown.

The enemy of my enemy
is my friend.

What we had was a rivalry.

But what Edgar did
got us kicked off campus.

Wait, how-how do you
even know the guy?

He tried to pledge
our house three years ago.

He was the first
regular-size guy to rush
the little-person frat.

They used to have this
tradition where we put
a sheep in the basement.

Be gentle.
They'd tell us
we had to bang the sheep...

and that we couldn't come out
until the rubber was used.

Now, one of
two things happened.

[ Sheep Bleating ]
Either they would
come out crying,

or they would
beat off in the rubber
and say they did the sheep.

And then, there was Edgar.

- Good luck.
-[ Bleating ]

[ Groaning ]

Oh, I'll be gentle.
It's okay.
What the fuck?

[ Edgar Moaning ]
We gotta check it out.

[ Edgar Moaning ]

[ Groaning ]

- For the love of God, man.
- [ Bleats ]

That sick bastard
fucked the sheep.

That's a great story,
but I'm a little unclear
on how it helps me.

[ Sighs ]
I'm sure you'll figure
something out, "Shitler."

* [ Fanfare ]

[ Cheering ]

Welcome to the Greek Olympiad.

[ Cheering ]

Competing today
in this ancient tradition
are the Beta house--

[ Cheering ]
Beta, Beta, Beta.

and the geek house.

[ Cheering ]

Now, when we think of
the term "Greek Olympiad,"

we-- we hearken back
to ancient traditions.

Uh, we conjure up images
of mighty warriors...

in their little skirts
getting all oiled up,

uh, writhing around
with each other.

Some called it wrestling.
Others called it something else.

But, uh, enough history.
On with the games.

[ Cheering ]

The first event is called:
The Release of Venus.

The man who undoes all
the brassieres on his side
the quickest wins.

You know, Ed.
It's really a shame...

all that practice on
your sister's training
bra is not gonna pay off.

Please, Dwight.
I spent a season in Milan
dating lingerie models.

It was before I met you.

* [ Fanfare ]

Gentlemen, are we ready?

- Get in there.
-Decline and fall, Dwight.
Decline and fall.

Start unsnapping.

*Put your finger in the pie

*Make you come
Make you wanna cry *

You know, I still hold
the record in this event.
The hands of a surgeon.

*On a dead-ender
I'm on a bender, a bender *

- [ Cooze ]
Whoa, what's up with Edgar?
- The chick's got double D's.

Quad clasps are really
difficult to deal with.

*I'm on a bender, a bender
A bender for you *

- [ Groaning ]
- [ Crowd Cheers ]

- Done. Done.
- [ Cheering ]

Betas win.

- [ Cheering ]
-*I'm on a bender, a bender
A bender for you *

Hey, nice try, Edgar.

Oh, sorry, sweetheart.
I guess I was just in the zone.

You know, with a little more
to work with, I might have won.

The next event is
the Battle of Ares.

Two men fighting
to the death...

or until one knocks
the other into the water.

Whoo! You guys
are so done, Edgar. Bull's
an animal with this thing.

Why don't you just
save some face? Give me
the deed to your place now.

Not quite yet.
You haven't met our
new initiate, have you?

[ Crowd Murmurs ]

His name is Dave Maul.

And he is the number-one-rated
light saber fighter...

on the science fiction
convention tour.

Oh, he's a virgin.
[ Laughing ]

Are you ready, boys?
Joust.

Yeah, come on!

- [ Crowd Gasps ]
- [ Cheering ]

Oh, shit!

[ Groaning ]

Finish him.

No!

- [ Groaning ]
- [ Cheering ]

Geeks win.

I need a beer.

The next event is called
Demeter's Feast.

Now, in ancient Rome,
the pig was considered sacred,

and, uh, often sacrificed
to the goddess of agriculture.

Today, we've taken a pig,
uh, greased it up,

and the first one
who catches it wins.

- [ Snorting ]
- [ Speaking French ]

Hey, you sure you're
up for this pigging?

Stifler, I grew up
on a farm with 652 pigs.

I can tell what
the pig is thinking.

[ Squealing ]

Come here.
[ Shouts ]

- [ Crowd Gasps ]
- Silly little fat man.

Hey, Edgar, what's the deal
with Captain Sulu?
He afraid to compete?

You haven't heard of
parkour, have you?

Lunettes. Allez.

- [ Crowd Gasps ]
- What the--
- [ Groans ]

- Go, go, go!
- [ Squealing ]

Come here, piggy!
Come here, piggy!

Pig, pig, pig, piggy!

[ Squealing ]

[ Growling ]

Come here, pork chop.

Geeks!

- [ Squealing ]
- [ Cheering ]

[ Levenstein ]
Geeks win!

Greek roulette is
a very dangerous game,
not for the faint of heart.

One of these chambers
contains a capsule...

with aged horse, uh, semen.

[ Groaning ]

Gentlemen, let us begin.

[ Clamoring ]

[ Man ]
Give 'em only one shot.

[ Groaning ]

[ Man ] Come on. Come on.
[ Man #2 ]
Come on, Dwight.

Oh.

It's gonna be empty.
Come on.

I gotta hand it to you, Edgar.
I really didn't think you'd
have thehuevosfor this.

I thought you'd probably
recruit one of your lackeys.

I wouldn't miss watching you
shoot yourself full of
horse semen for anything.

Come on, man.
[ All Chattering ]

Stuff it in there.
It's all good.
It's all good.

[ Cheering ]

- Yes!
- Yes!

Your turn, big boss.

Come on. Come on.

- Come on.
- Come on. Yeah!

[ All Shouting ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Laughing ]
Yeah!

- Put two canisters in there.
- Two? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Two?

That's too many, Dwight.
Come on. Two. He's not worth it.

Unless Edgar's afraid,
put in two canisters.

Fine! Put in two!

Put in two.

-[ Man ]
Oh, man.
- Go.

[ Speaking Foreign Language ]

[ All Shouting ]

All right, all right.
All right. All right.

Everyone quiet!

- We good?
- Don't worry about it.

- You're good, baby.
There's nothing in there.
- Oh, no. I can't watch.

[ Screaming ]

- Yes!
- Yeah! Yes!

- Yes!
-Betas rule!

- You're up.
- You're next.

[ All Shouting ]

Do it. Go.

Do it. Do it! Do it!

Pull the fuckin' trigger.
Do it! Do it!

Do it! Pull it!

Oh, boy.

We won!

Betas win.

Enjoy Mr. Ed's jizz.
How's the semen taste, Ed?

Tough loss there, Edgar,
but you know what they say, son,

you've gotta get right
back up on that horse...
so to speak.

[ Sobbing ]

* [ Fanfare ]

The ancient game of
the wife carry has been
around for centuries.

The first couple to
complete the course wins.

- [ Cheering ]
- You owe me big time for this.

I know.

- Okay. Ready?
- All right.

All right.

How pathetic.
[ Scoffs ]
Now.

What, are you--
Really? You trying
to give Bandhu a hernia?

Oh, once again,
your pathetic little brain
has let you down, Dwight.

Bandhu, up.

[ All Chattering ]

All right, Erik.
We got this. Let's go.

We're fucked.

[ Pistol Fires ]

- Come on, Erik.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
- We can beat those Betas.

Pick up the pace.
Faster, faster, faster.

How do you feel about
that advantage? Let's go.

[ All Chattering ]

[ All Shouting ]

[ Shouting ]

Maybe I should have
carried you.

Man, that is
one scary chick.
That's a chick?

And now, the Peloponnesian War.

The first team to consume
an entire keg wins.

Throwing up
does not disqualify.

Gentlemen,
inside this cylindrical
casing of aluminum...

lies 55 metric liters
of malted alcohol.

Remember, fellas, don't
underestimate these geeks.

Most of them are
lonely problem drinkers.
All right?

Beware, gentlemen.
These men know how to drink.

But we are more than they are.
We are more than men.

We, sirs, are geeks.

All right, boys. Battle.

- Gentlemen, chugalug.
- I can out-drink you fucks!

Batten down the hatches!

[ Screaming ]

We are geeks.
We can do this.

- [ Screaming ]
- Edgar!

I only have one thing
to say to you.
What's that, you philistine?

Puking doesn't disqualify.

All geeks, attack.

Come on, Edgar.
Let's see what you got, bitch.

That's all you got?
That's all you got?

Give it back.
Give it back.

Save yourselves!

Back to the keg!
Oh, we got a man down!

Gentlemen, we need to
attain maximum efficiency.

Irene, attach the device.

What the hell is that?
What is that thing?

Open valves.

That's the geeks
taking the lead.
It's time for our secret weapon.

Wesley! Wesley!

[ Shouting ]
[ Man ]
Let's go.

Keg stand, now!

About damn time!

Open the valve all the way.
We need warp speed
on this motherfucker.

- Betas win.
- [ Cheering ]

With the Greek Olympiad tied,
we now go into sudden death.

The final event is called:
The Rise of Aphrodite.

Quite simply,
the first man who...

excretes his manly,
uh, juices,

in the, uh,
ejaculatory sense,

uh, loses.

I cannot wait to see you
come in your pants.

Let's do this.

*We used to be
attached at the hip *

*Now distance attacking
our relationship *

*I know you got
to handle your biz
I tried to be a good girl *

Pi is equal to 3.1415--

- No big deal at all.
- 59787--

I feel like Santa Claus
at the local shopping mall.

- That was nothing.
-That was nothing
for me either. No big deal.

- *Pick it, pick it up
- *Bring it back and
let it down *

- *Pick it, pick it up
- *Bring it back and
make it stop *

- *Pick it, pick it up
- *Bring it back and
let it drop *

*Go ahead, mama
You're a phenomenon *

- *Pick it, pick it up
- *Bring it back and
let it down *

- *Pick it, pick it up
- *Bring it back and
make it stop *

- *Pick it, pick it up
- *Bring it back and
let it drop *

I like your boobs.
[ Bobby ]
Look at this!

Pretend you're
sucking my man breasts.

Give it up, Stifler.
This is a game of
mind over matter.

And my brain is
way bigger than yours.

I've got experience on my side.
I'll take that over your Vulcan
mind tricks any day.

We shall see.
Bring her in.

We flew this young lady
in from Las Vegas.

She's the number-one stripper
in the Emerald City.

Enjoy, Dwight.

*Don't have to ask why

- No.
- Oh.

Good luck.

*Don't have to ask why

*Just get them hands high
Just raise 'em to the sky *

I'm in trouble here, boys.

This chick is ridiculous.
Bring her in.

Code red! Code red!

[ Bleating ]

- [ Bleating ]
- What the fuck?

Look at my tail, Edgar.
Look how fluffy it is.

[ Edgar ]
Stop, please.

- Somebody make her stop.
- What's the matter, Edgar?
You got a little wool fetish?

No.

[ Edgar Moaning ]

He's done.

- Betas win.
- [ Cheering ]

[ Chanting ]
Beta, Beta, Beta.

Beta, Beta, Beta, Beta.

[ Chanting Continues ]

To the winners--
I now present
the golden hammer...

- to Beta house.
- Beta, baby.

Congratulations, Stifler.
You've kept the Beta
traditions alive.

Thanks, Noah.
Betas for life?

- Betas for life.
- Yeah.

* [ Vocalizing ]

* [ Singing, Indistinct ]

Now this is a frat party.

No, this is a Beta party.

*Put yourself upon the ground
Back there and rock them
different times *

*Can't come back one day
to rhyme spent my dime
run down the line *

*Your time's up don't hesitate
Chop the suckers off like
Norman Bates, yeah *

*Get on and open up
your brain *

*We hit it to this minute
'Cause you told them
how you came *

- *How you what
- *Came

*My big-league rhyme
is a major rap *

Hey, I got a little
surprise for you.
Yeah?

A little present
for you being so patient
and understanding.

Okay.

- Are you ready
for your present?
- [ Laughing ] I'm not sure.

I'm really confused right now,
and I'm trying to keep
an open mind, but--

[ Thinking ]
Oh, man, this is
fucked up, even for me.

- Here it comes.
- [ Thinking ] Oh, my God.
If it's bigger than mine,

I swear I'm gonna pass out.

- I'm not wearing
any panties.
- [ Thinking ] Oh.

Easy, Cooze.
Everybody can see you.

Well, I'm sure we could
find someplace around here
with a little privacy.

Okay.
Let's go.

*Dance, come on

* [ Continues, Indistinct ]

Where are you taking me?

It's a surprise.
You're gonna like it.

I'm nervous.

What are you talking about?
Everything's gonna be fine.

Are you sure?
Yeah.

*You try to mend
the heart you're breaking *

Why don't I
take care of you?

Okay.

Okay.

Oh, my.

I can't. I can't.

Just let yourself go, baby.
There is nothing you can do
that's gonna surprise me, okay?

Are you sure?
Yeah.

Okay.

[ Chuckling ]
Why are you
bringing me in here?

Well, this being
our new house.

I thought I'd come up
with my own task for
the pledge board.

Mmm. Okay.
And what's that gonna be?

Uh.
[ Clears Throat ]

Well, I think it's kind
of better if I, uh--
if I show you.

[ Projector Whirring ]

Oh, sex in a movie theater.

I like the way you think,
Erik Stifler.

*Give me love
Give me love *

*And I'll bring it
back to you *

[ Moaning ]

I'm coming!
I'm coming!

I'm coming!

Oh! Oh, my--

Okay, I was a little
surprised by that.

I'm sorry.

It's okay. It's--

It's actually really sexy.

Really?
Yeah.

Can you do that every time?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Yeah.
Oh, my God.

*I was alone in this world
and I can't stop *

*Till I seen little mama
in a tank top *
Hey, buddy.

Take a little dip
in the pool?
Nope.

Oh, wait a minute.

Ah, yes. The elusive
female ejaculation.

[ Chuckling ]
Not a lot of girls
can do that. Congrats.

*I fell in love today
with a boy from
around my way *

*That's because
he looked like me *

*I fell in love today
with a boy from
around my way *

*That's because
he looked like me *

*I couldn't help myself
I felt like I was a queen *

*I used to sit around
at home alone *

Beta house fuckin' rules!

[ All Screaming ]

*I was so turned on
I could barely say *

*He said come on
and gave me a little wink *

*My brain unfroze
and I can only think *

*I fell in love today
with a boy from
around my way *

*That's because
he looked like me *

*I fell in love today
with a boy from
around my way *

[ Chanting ]
Beta, Beta, Beta, Beta.

*I can't lose your lovin'

*No, I can't lose your love

*I can't lose your lovin'
No way *

*I just got your lovin'
Oh, baby, baby *

*I can't lose your lovin'
No, no way *

[ Chuckling ]
Yes.

[ Toilet Flushing ]

Hey, big boy.

Ready to fill me up
with some more protein?

No, no, no, no!

Ah, yes. The Blackout Menace
strikes again.

*When I wake up mornin' yawning
I put up my hands *

*Thank the lord
for what I got and
never stop my plans *

*Givin' all for the cause
Gotta keep it up never
let my head drop *

*Make me a home all my own
Better make the bed rock *

*A place for the dog, a garage
a yard to play around *

*Kitchen for missus
she'll be fixin' them
biscuits golden brown *

*Got me a shorty
and some kids just
like a family should *

*Made a few changes
how I live and now
it's all good *

*You're on a rebound
Show 'em how you bounce back *

*How you bounce back
Show 'em how you bounce back *

*You're on a rebound
Show 'em how you bounce back *

*How you bounce back
How you bounce back *

*Super classic realistic homey
on the dope *

*If you close your eyes
and miss it ask me why
I wrote this *

*I've come so very far
and made this here my home *

*So if you're thinkin'
otherwise I guess you're
thinkin' wrong *

*All it takes is all I got
a little bit of try *

*And if you make my babies cry
I'll bust you in your eye *

*Gonna make it happen
ain't no way you can
tie me up *

*'Cause I hocus-pocus
keep it focused and you
know the steps what's up *

*You're on a rebound
Show 'em how you bounce back *

*How you bounce back
Show 'em how you bounce back *

*You're on a rebound
Show 'em how you bounce back *

*How you bounce back
Show 'em how you bounce back *

*Hey, what you say
Hop in let's roll *

*Buckle up around that
He low like that
ain't nobody gotta know *

*Swing the bat for mama
I know big boys
hit home runs *

*I don't discriminate
No hate, I've ran bases
with smaller ones *

*I know what I got
Kids that work
they be on the clock *

*'Cause they tick, tick
tick, ticktock go and make
the boys give good stock *

* [ Continues, Indistinct ]

*When we at the set
no strings attached
'cause I'm on the rebound *

*You're on a rebound
Show 'em how you bounce back *

*Make your back bounce
Make your back bounce *

*You're on a rebound
Show 'em how you bounce back *

*Make your back bounce
Make your back bounce *

* [ Techno ]

*It was one of them nights
I had one of those things
about to go get my drink on *

*Knew I gotta get right
so I picked up my girls
in my truck *

*Cruisin' down the boulevard

*And then I pull up
to the club we hopped out
started walkin' *

*Pass the line
said we V.I.P. *

*Soon as we stepped in
chicks started talkin' *
*And then I said

*Anytime you want me, baby
There's the front door *

*We could do it one on one
or you could get your people *

*We could get the crowd hyper
We could put on a show *

*I said
You don't really want me
and I already know *

*Inside
* [ Indistinct ]

*Outside
*It's a different story

*Inside
*You keep on
running your mouth *

*Outside
*You ain't got nothin' for me

*Inside
* [ Indistinct ]

*Outside
*It's a different story

*Inside
*You keep on
running your mouth *

*Outside
*You ain't got nothin' for me

*Gettin' more time
than insomniacs *

*It's a good thing
to rest of the cardiacs *

*Are trying to have
a good time with the partiac *

*Why the drummer gotta start
when they call the acts *

*And as I step in
put their bets in *

*They brace their weapons
'cause they feel threatened *

*Try to tell them they
don't wanna step outside *

*Have the kid put it under
*And then I said

*Anytime you want me, baby
There's the front door *

*We could do it one on one
or you could get your people *

*We could get the crowd hyper
We could put on a show *

*I said
You don't really want me
and I already know *

*Inside
* [ Indistinct ]

*Outside
*It's a different story

*Inside
*You keep on
running your mouth *

*Outside
*You ain't got nothin' for me

*Inside
* [ Indistinct ]

*Outside
*It's a different story

*Inside
*You keep on
running your mouth *

*Outside
*You ain't got nothin' for me

*Gotta be a issue
Gotta be a problem *

*Just 'cause a chick got
more soul than Harlem *

* [ Continues, Indistinct ]

*I got chicks don't
get in their way *

*If you really wanted
you could get it done *

*But don't forget
I'm the premium *

*Don't let your mouth write up
a check you can't cash *

*You could get bounced
for talkin' trash *
*And I said

*Anytime you want me, baby
There's the front door *

*We could do it one on one
or you could get your people *

*We could get the crowd hyper
We could put on a show *

*I said
You don't really want me
and I already know *

*Inside
* [ Indistinct ]

*Outside
*It's a different story

*Inside
*You keep on
running your mouth *

*Outside
*You ain't got nothin' for me

*Inside
* [ Indistinct ]

*Outside
*It's a different story

*Inside
*You keep on
running your mouth *

*Outside
*You ain't got
nothin' for me *

* [ Techno ]

[ Inhales ]

Wear this for your
next dance, honey.

Thanks. Baa.