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1
00:00:07,966 --> 00:00:09,376
[***]
2
00:00:09,426 --> 00:00:13,806
[snoring]
3
00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:17,427
[***]
4
00:00:19,102 --> 00:00:21,732
[text alerts beeping]
5
00:00:25,608 --> 00:00:27,148
[buzzing]
6
00:00:31,573 --> 00:00:33,123
[snoring]
7
00:00:37,495 --> 00:00:38,405
[gasps]
8
00:00:38,455 --> 00:00:39,745
Yoo-hoo!
9
00:00:39,789 --> 00:00:40,709
Wake up, Mrs. Claus!
10
00:00:40,749 --> 00:00:42,079
It's me.
11
00:00:42,125 --> 00:00:43,625
The Ghost of Christmas Past.
12
00:00:44,544 --> 00:00:47,514
But you can call me
Charles Dickens.
13
00:00:47,547 --> 00:00:48,917
What the fuck?
14
00:00:48,965 --> 00:00:51,255
Oh, surprised to see a ghost?
15
00:00:51,301 --> 00:00:54,051
Certainly is a bit of
a Crum-a-Grackle for me, too.
16
00:00:54,095 --> 00:00:56,465
But the universe
is a crazy place.
17
00:00:56,514 --> 00:00:59,274
I mean, you're in bed
with a bi-pedal reindeer.
18
00:01:00,143 --> 00:01:01,273
[snoring]
19
00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:03,651
Tonight, you will be visited
by three--
20
00:01:03,688 --> 00:01:06,358
Yeah, yeah, yeah, three ghosts--
past, present, future.
21
00:01:06,399 --> 00:01:08,609
Aren't you supposed
to come on Christmas?
22
00:01:08,651 --> 00:01:10,241
You're Mrs. Claus!
23
00:01:10,278 --> 00:01:12,108
Your whole life
is about Christmas.
24
00:01:12,155 --> 00:01:13,615
For you...
25
00:01:13,656 --> 00:01:14,946
A Christmas Carol
26
00:01:14,991 --> 00:01:18,541
is, like,
Not A Christmas Carol.
27
00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:20,578
Are you sure
you're Charles Dickens?
28
00:01:20,622 --> 00:01:23,002
Blimey,
do you want my help or not?
29
00:01:23,041 --> 00:01:24,081
Seriously, it's like,
30
00:01:24,125 --> 00:01:26,165
look a gift ghost
in the mouth much?
31
00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:27,171
Or should I say...
32
00:01:27,212 --> 00:01:30,422
A gift seahorse...
33
00:01:32,217 --> 00:01:34,797
I'm never taking
Ambien again.
34
00:01:36,054 --> 00:01:40,394
[***]
35
00:01:44,854 --> 00:01:46,114
Fuck, really?
36
00:01:46,147 --> 00:01:47,517
This place?
37
00:01:47,565 --> 00:01:48,935
Just behold...
38
00:01:50,026 --> 00:01:51,026
Tonight's the night.
39
00:01:51,069 --> 00:01:53,859
We got $250 bucks in our pockets
40
00:01:53,905 --> 00:01:55,155
and our bus leaves at 10:00.
41
00:01:55,198 --> 00:01:56,948
Fuck Graduation.
42
00:01:56,991 --> 00:01:58,911
By the time they call our names,
43
00:01:58,952 --> 00:01:59,952
we'll be gone.
44
00:01:59,994 --> 00:02:01,164
Forever.
45
00:02:01,204 --> 00:02:04,084
People are gonna be
like Jim Montgomery...
46
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,294
Did that guy get kidnapped?
47
00:02:05,333 --> 00:02:07,543
We're gonna be sophisticated
48
00:02:07,585 --> 00:02:11,165
and we're gonna have,
like, sushi and wine and DVDs.
49
00:02:11,214 --> 00:02:12,304
And we'll live
50
00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:14,260
in the tallest building
in Atlanta.
51
00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:16,890
'Cause you can't see the world
in a one-road town.
52
00:02:16,928 --> 00:02:19,218
Every country song says that.
53
00:02:19,264 --> 00:02:20,894
Watch out, Hotlanta.
54
00:02:24,561 --> 00:02:26,191
Fuck this.
55
00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:28,019
[Bill] Of course,
you want me to go to a bar.
56
00:02:28,064 --> 00:02:29,364
You want me out of the house,
57
00:02:29,399 --> 00:02:31,859
so you can
fuck our next-door neighbor!
58
00:02:31,901 --> 00:02:34,951
So what if I blew Lance?
59
00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:38,198
At least I didn't blow
our daughter's college fund
60
00:02:38,241 --> 00:02:40,041
on a dog race.
61
00:02:40,076 --> 00:02:43,196
The dog's name
was "College Graduate".
62
00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:44,576
It was a sign!
63
00:02:46,082 --> 00:02:47,502
[objects being thrown]
64
00:02:48,460 --> 00:02:50,880
[Tonya] Get the fuck
outta my house!
65
00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:53,470
Oh, a runaway...
66
00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:56,796
May I have some more?
May I have some more?
67
00:02:56,843 --> 00:02:59,393
Oh, blow me, you scallywag.
68
00:02:59,429 --> 00:03:01,259
I wish I could, but I can't...
69
00:03:01,306 --> 00:03:02,676
Ghost mouth.
70
00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:05,604
Ooooooo.
71
00:03:09,272 --> 00:03:13,612
[***]
72
00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:17,493
[line ringing]
73
00:03:19,282 --> 00:03:21,082
Uh, hello?
74
00:03:21,117 --> 00:03:22,327
Jim?
75
00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:24,579
Why are you still home?
76
00:03:24,621 --> 00:03:25,751
I, uh--
77
00:03:25,789 --> 00:03:27,289
Gretchen...
78
00:03:27,332 --> 00:03:29,712
my dad, uh...
79
00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:32,591
he said maybe if you didn't
distract me all season,
80
00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:33,549
I would've--
81
00:03:33,588 --> 00:03:35,298
Jim, don't listen
to your parents.
82
00:03:36,675 --> 00:03:38,215
Please.
83
00:03:38,259 --> 00:03:39,589
I'm sorry.
84
00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:41,046
I gotta go.
85
00:03:41,096 --> 00:03:42,426
Jag's about to start.
86
00:03:46,142 --> 00:03:47,692
[Gretchen]
It was a place to dry off,
87
00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:50,267
and I had 250 bucks
to blow on snacks.
88
00:03:50,313 --> 00:03:51,693
[laughs]
89
00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:54,821
[Chris Farley impersonator]
Big boy in a tiny cloak,
90
00:03:54,859 --> 00:03:59,029
big boy in a tiny cloak.
91
00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:00,412
[Young Nick laughs, very jolly]
92
00:04:02,951 --> 00:04:05,201
You know if you bite into
a junior mint and a gummy bear
93
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:07,155
at the exact same time,
94
00:04:07,205 --> 00:04:09,325
you can unlock
the sixth taste bud.
95
00:04:12,210 --> 00:04:15,010
[***]
96
00:04:15,046 --> 00:04:18,256
He was in town for the year,
trying to find his Mrs. Claus.
97
00:04:18,299 --> 00:04:20,299
They call it "Rumspringa",
98
00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:21,893
and they stole it
from the Amish.
99
00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:23,806
[sniffs]
100
00:04:23,847 --> 00:04:25,267
Hmm.
101
00:04:25,306 --> 00:04:27,136
What a peculiar-smelling
tobacco.
102
00:04:27,183 --> 00:04:29,853
She's smoking Meth, Chucky-Dick.
103
00:04:29,894 --> 00:04:31,984
[Chris Farley impersonator]
Oh! Come on!
104
00:04:32,022 --> 00:04:34,362
[laughing]
105
00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:38,029
Hey! Shut the fuck up!
106
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:40,859
It was the best of times...
107
00:04:42,407 --> 00:04:44,367
It was the worst of times...
108
00:04:46,494 --> 00:04:48,334
What the hell are you doing?
109
00:04:48,371 --> 00:04:50,211
We have a meeting
with the Fire Wheels Department
110
00:04:50,248 --> 00:04:51,668
in five minutes!
111
00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:52,708
What?
112
00:04:52,751 --> 00:04:54,171
I was getting into character.
113
00:04:54,210 --> 00:04:56,000
[Gretchen] Of the cars?
114
00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,046
Check it out.
115
00:04:57,088 --> 00:05:00,588
[imitates car]
Vroom-vroom!
116
00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:07,642
Eh? Eh?
117
00:05:07,682 --> 00:05:09,062
Are you fucking kidding me?
118
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:10,520
I've been up since 5:00,
119
00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,850
writing safety protocols
for these things.
120
00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:14,146
You're telling me
121
00:05:14,189 --> 00:05:16,019
that you've just been here,
playing with toys?
122
00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:20,066
To understand kids,
I have to get inside a kid.
123
00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:23,203
Wait a minute,
I just heard myself--
124
00:05:23,239 --> 00:05:24,869
Vrooooooom!
125
00:05:24,908 --> 00:05:26,868
Whatever.
Just get your shit together.
126
00:05:26,910 --> 00:05:28,080
We gotta go.
127
00:05:28,119 --> 00:05:29,249
Oh, like both of us?
128
00:05:29,287 --> 00:05:31,537
Gretch, I just installed
this loop de loop.
129
00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:33,041
You can handle it, right?
130
00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:34,133
Come on.
131
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:35,497
I can just keep playing?
Please?
132
00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:39,804
[Ghost of Charles Dickens]
Fuck. You married a child.
133
00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:43,094
Seems a kid got inside of you.
134
00:05:44,302 --> 00:05:45,472
Bang.
135
00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:48,933
Hey, you okay?
136
00:05:48,973 --> 00:05:51,103
Huh, I actually don't know
137
00:05:51,142 --> 00:05:53,652
if I've ever been asked
that question on the North Pole.
138
00:05:54,646 --> 00:05:56,016
No?
139
00:05:56,064 --> 00:05:57,234
When I'm bummed,
140
00:05:57,273 --> 00:05:59,613
I like to fly
to my fortress of solitude.
141
00:06:00,610 --> 00:06:03,410
Myrtle Beach, to jet ski
in the moonlight.
142
00:06:03,446 --> 00:06:06,906
Wait, you just fly out of here
whenever you want?
143
00:06:06,950 --> 00:06:08,450
Well, yeah.
144
00:06:08,493 --> 00:06:10,833
I find being out in the water
mellows my brain.
145
00:06:11,955 --> 00:06:12,995
I'm a water baby, Gretch.
146
00:06:14,541 --> 00:06:18,381
Would you be interested
in flying me to Paris?
147
00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:20,170
Like, right now?
148
00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,633
Yeah.
149
00:06:21,673 --> 00:06:23,303
Maybe we can figure out
150
00:06:23,341 --> 00:06:25,761
another way
to mellow your brain.
151
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,268
Oh...
152
00:06:30,306 --> 00:06:31,596
snap.
153
00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:33,481
Can I tell you a secret?
154
00:06:33,518 --> 00:06:36,938
I found that very arousing.
155
00:06:37,981 --> 00:06:38,901
Toodle-oo!
156
00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:44,648
The North Pole is burning.
157
00:06:46,322 --> 00:06:47,412
Aw, shucks.
158
00:06:47,449 --> 00:06:49,529
It's just these hot cookies.
159
00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:50,866
I think I burned them.
160
00:06:50,910 --> 00:06:52,660
Would you like
to try one anyway?
161
00:06:54,581 --> 00:06:56,171
Mm. Oh, my god,
162
00:06:56,207 --> 00:06:59,037
yep, that is the best cookie
I've ever had in my life.
163
00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:00,915
I'm Mrs. Claus the 15th,
164
00:07:00,962 --> 00:07:03,722
but henceforth,
you may call me Agnes.
165
00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:06,717
Tonight, I shall be your guide
to the present.
166
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,800
Ready to return to Florida?
167
00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:10,255
Fuck! Again?
168
00:07:10,305 --> 00:07:12,135
Language, dear.
169
00:07:12,182 --> 00:07:13,602
Sorry, Mrs. Claus the 15th.
170
00:07:17,187 --> 00:07:19,267
I don't want to play anymore!
171
00:07:19,314 --> 00:07:20,694
Holy shit.
172
00:07:20,732 --> 00:07:21,572
Jim?
173
00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:22,898
I buy you a glove,
174
00:07:22,942 --> 00:07:24,442
I buy you a bat,
175
00:07:24,486 --> 00:07:26,146
and this is how you repay me?
176
00:07:26,196 --> 00:07:27,946
By sucking ass?
177
00:07:27,989 --> 00:07:29,159
I'm sorry.
178
00:07:29,199 --> 00:07:31,409
How the fuck do you expect
to buy me a house
179
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,161
when you can't even
hit a fastball?
180
00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:35,503
Can I just go to my room?
181
00:07:35,538 --> 00:07:36,658
Speak up, boy!
182
00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:38,326
[a little louder]
Can I just go to my room?
183
00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:41,245
Oh, so you can do your homework.
184
00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:43,304
You make me sick, pussy.
185
00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:47,681
I know it's not right
to say someone won a breakup,
186
00:07:47,717 --> 00:07:49,087
but you did, girl.
187
00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:50,095
Ooh.
188
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:57,436
Oh, yeah.
189
00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:59,897
[humming]
190
00:08:02,774 --> 00:08:06,864
"I know it's hard right now,
but it's gonna get easier.
191
00:08:06,903 --> 00:08:09,863
Imagine if you were
a little amoeba.
192
00:08:09,906 --> 00:08:11,196
Santa Claus.
193
00:08:11,241 --> 00:08:13,871
P.S. Always trust the science."
194
00:08:15,370 --> 00:08:16,290
Blimey.
195
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:19,711
I wouldn't call it a war, Spain.
196
00:08:19,749 --> 00:08:21,209
It's more of a...
197
00:08:21,251 --> 00:08:22,421
kerfuffle.
198
00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:25,920
[speaks in Russian]
199
00:08:31,428 --> 00:08:32,638
Anything?
200
00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:33,639
Straight to voicemail!
201
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:35,270
Keep trying her!
202
00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:37,809
"Her"?
203
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,481
Shouldn't Nick
be dealing with this?
204
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:41,559
The North Pole
is gonna burn to the ground
205
00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:43,404
if we don't get ahold
of Gretchen.
206
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,650
She's a boss bitch and my hero,
207
00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:47,072
so call her again!
208
00:08:47,110 --> 00:08:49,610
[multiple phones ringing]
209
00:08:49,654 --> 00:08:51,244
[screaming]
210
00:08:51,281 --> 00:08:52,661
[toilet flushing]
211
00:08:54,617 --> 00:08:56,747
You're meant to stand
on that white footstool
212
00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:59,246
and just defecate
all over the walls, right?
213
00:09:00,290 --> 00:09:02,170
Shitty Nick.
214
00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:03,838
Little on the nose
with that entrance.
215
00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:06,667
Wait, I'm sorry,
why do you look like that?
216
00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:09,263
I'm not
a three-dimensional person.
217
00:09:09,299 --> 00:09:11,589
I'm just a dumb, shitty man.
218
00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:13,094
Ready to return to Florida?
219
00:09:13,136 --> 00:09:14,676
I retired...
220
00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:16,891
and moved to Florida?
221
00:09:16,931 --> 00:09:19,021
More like got banished, bitch.
222
00:09:22,145 --> 00:09:23,225
Del Boca Vista.
223
00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:25,481
2064.
224
00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:27,363
[banging on door]
225
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,860
Go away!
226
00:09:31,863 --> 00:09:33,993
Merry Christmas,
ya filthy animal!
227
00:09:34,032 --> 00:09:34,992
[gun cocking]
228
00:09:39,996 --> 00:09:42,666
What is happening right now?
229
00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:45,667
When Jack took over,
there was a great naughty-lash.
230
00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:48,050
Toys became so scarce
231
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,168
that kids had to fight
to the death
232
00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:52,175
for a Tickle Me Elmo.
233
00:09:52,217 --> 00:09:53,677
You tried to fight back,
234
00:09:53,718 --> 00:09:57,388
so he banished you
for the worst crime of all...
235
00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:58,930
insubordination.
236
00:10:02,185 --> 00:10:03,185
Oh...
237
00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:07,363
And you wanna...
238
00:10:07,399 --> 00:10:08,479
help?
239
00:10:08,525 --> 00:10:11,645
They used to build
statues in my honor,
240
00:10:11,695 --> 00:10:14,565
now it's not even called
Christmas anymore.
241
00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:16,704
It's called Blackjackmas.
242
00:10:16,741 --> 00:10:17,991
So you're here
243
00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:20,584
just for your own self-interest.
244
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:21,750
Not for the kids?
245
00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:23,538
Yes! Exactly!
246
00:10:23,581 --> 00:10:25,791
My legacy's on the line here!
247
00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:28,004
If Christmas fails to exist,
248
00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:30,464
then its history
will be forgotten.
249
00:10:30,505 --> 00:10:32,165
And so will I.
250
00:10:33,675 --> 00:10:35,135
I hate women,
251
00:10:35,176 --> 00:10:38,676
and the concept of a woman
being a vital part of history
252
00:10:38,722 --> 00:10:39,932
is astounding to me.
253
00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:43,846
But you're the only one
who can save Christmas,
254
00:10:43,893 --> 00:10:45,103
and everyone knows it.
255
00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:47,605
I know you wanted
to see the world,
256
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:49,357
but you touched it.
257
00:10:49,399 --> 00:10:50,729
[old Mrs. Claus sobs]
258
00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:54,145
And that, Mrs. Claus,
is the greatest gift of all.
259
00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:55,993
Whoa!
260
00:10:56,031 --> 00:10:59,581
That was actually really nice.
261
00:10:59,617 --> 00:11:01,037
Did you just come up with that?
262
00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:03,577
Yes...?
263
00:11:03,621 --> 00:11:05,541
No, Charles Dickens wrote it.
264
00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:08,042
I'm just reading it off my hand.
265
00:11:08,084 --> 00:11:11,254
But the question is,
would you do it again?
266
00:11:12,255 --> 00:11:13,465
[sighs]
267
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:14,506
Yes.
268
00:11:14,549 --> 00:11:16,429
Then...
269
00:11:16,468 --> 00:11:20,598
♪ Fuck Rudolph, fuck Dancer
fuck Prancer, fuck Vixen ♪
270
00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:24,638
♪ Comet and Cupid
and Donner and Blitzen ♪
271
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:26,814
♪ But do you recall... ♪
272
00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:29,563
♪ The most gangster reindeer
of all? ♪
273
00:11:29,606 --> 00:11:30,686
Come on!
274
00:11:30,732 --> 00:11:32,822
♪ Dasher
the big-dicked reindeer ♪
275
00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:34,109
♪ Had a very shiny dong ♪
276
00:11:34,152 --> 00:11:35,452
Come on, come on!
277
00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:37,157
♪ And if you ever saw him-- ♪
278
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:39,317
Whoa, my Queen.
You're awake.
279
00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:42,076
You took my reindeer tranqs
last night!
280
00:11:42,118 --> 00:11:44,368
I wasn't sure
you were gonna wake up.
281
00:11:44,412 --> 00:11:45,872
Fuck, I was nervous.
282
00:11:45,914 --> 00:11:48,124
Yeah, seems like it.
283
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:50,502
[line ringing]
284
00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:54,173
[horns honking]
285
00:11:54,223 --> 00:11:58,773
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