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1
00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:11,048
I'm Cocoa Scarborough
and this is "Morning Cocoa".
2
00:00:11,094 --> 00:00:12,394
It's official.
3
00:00:12,429 --> 00:00:15,269
Every kid in the world
is about to get a gift.
4
00:00:15,306 --> 00:00:17,886
And that can only mean
one thing for The North Pole...
5
00:00:17,934 --> 00:00:18,894
trouble!
6
00:00:18,935 --> 00:00:20,725
Lots and lots of trouble.
7
00:00:21,604 --> 00:00:22,944
And hey, Santa,
if you're listening,
8
00:00:22,981 --> 00:00:24,821
I'll take a mother
who stuck around.
9
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:25,858
♪ Schlemiel! ♪
10
00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:27,070
♪ Schlimazel! ♪
11
00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:29,950
♪ Spielzeugfabrik
Incorporated! ♪
12
00:00:29,988 --> 00:00:32,948
[***]
13
00:00:32,991 --> 00:00:34,951
♪ Doo, doo, doo ♪
14
00:00:34,993 --> 00:00:36,043
[bike crashing]
15
00:00:36,077 --> 00:00:37,867
♪ Doo, doo, doo
Doo, doo, doo ♪
16
00:00:37,912 --> 00:00:42,212
[***]
17
00:00:42,250 --> 00:00:44,460
Hey, Lego Rome
wasn't built in a day.
18
00:00:45,545 --> 00:00:48,165
♪ Doo, doo, doo ♪
19
00:00:48,214 --> 00:00:49,924
♪ Doo, doo, doo
Doo, doo, doo ♪
20
00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:53,136
[***]
21
00:00:56,139 --> 00:00:59,429
[***]
22
00:00:59,476 --> 00:01:01,766
[squeaking]
23
00:01:01,811 --> 00:01:02,771
Oh!
24
00:01:02,812 --> 00:01:05,112
[***]
25
00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:06,608
[toy chute rumbling]
26
00:01:06,649 --> 00:01:08,399
♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo ♪
27
00:01:09,986 --> 00:01:11,606
Yes, yes! Fuck, yes!
28
00:01:12,864 --> 00:01:13,874
Finally!
29
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:14,867
[glass shatters]
30
00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:15,908
[whomp!]
31
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:18,327
[Elf] I'm okay.
32
00:01:18,370 --> 00:01:20,000
It's not a snowball.
33
00:01:20,038 --> 00:01:21,708
[ice clinking]
34
00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:23,538
It's... an iceball.
35
00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:30,301
Maybe I should've taken
Ebba's declaration of war
36
00:01:30,340 --> 00:01:31,680
a little more seriously.
37
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:36,676
[***]
38
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:39,268
My source on the inside
39
00:01:39,307 --> 00:01:41,557
says they've mastered
Teddy Bears.
40
00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:42,731
Wow.
41
00:01:42,769 --> 00:01:44,269
I'm shaking
in my pointy, little boots.
42
00:01:45,188 --> 00:01:47,108
Load up the catapults!
43
00:01:47,148 --> 00:01:48,818
Behold! The gates.
44
00:01:48,858 --> 00:01:50,528
They're opening!
45
00:01:54,030 --> 00:01:58,620
[***]
46
00:01:58,660 --> 00:01:59,990
Hey, 'Til,
47
00:02:00,036 --> 00:02:01,746
surprised you haven't turned
your coat inside out.
48
00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:02,828
Traitor!
49
00:02:02,872 --> 00:02:05,082
It's springtime, bitch.
50
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:06,835
I don't wear coats.
51
00:02:06,876 --> 00:02:10,206
Meanwhile, your boss is dressed
for a snow squall.
52
00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:11,915
Oh, this lil' thing?
53
00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:14,795
Sorry, we were playing
pin the tail on the Arctic Wolf
54
00:02:14,843 --> 00:02:15,933
and, well...
55
00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:17,719
Tom-Erik won this round.
56
00:02:17,762 --> 00:02:19,312
It's funny.
57
00:02:19,347 --> 00:02:21,677
I see you're playing games.
58
00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:23,095
But the question is...
59
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,693
are you making them?
60
00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:28,357
Hey, guys, I've heard
instead of Mouse Trap,
61
00:02:28,398 --> 00:02:31,028
they're making a game
called "Mouse Crap".
62
00:02:31,067 --> 00:02:32,777
[silence]
63
00:02:34,237 --> 00:02:35,697
-Not funny.
-I'm sorry.
64
00:02:36,656 --> 00:02:38,866
Can't jump to the moon
every time, Mac.
65
00:02:38,908 --> 00:02:40,908
Here, have a cookie.
66
00:02:42,078 --> 00:02:43,328
Do you see this, everyone?
67
00:02:43,371 --> 00:02:45,041
Santa brought us cookies!
68
00:02:45,081 --> 00:02:46,421
How delightful.
69
00:02:50,795 --> 00:02:52,255
-[plate shattering]
-[Nick] What the fuck, man?
70
00:02:52,297 --> 00:02:54,377
That's a waste
of a dozen good cookies!
71
00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:56,304
You could have just said,
"No thank you."
72
00:02:56,343 --> 00:02:57,643
No thank you!
73
00:02:58,678 --> 00:03:01,768
Are you here to restore
the "Pledge of the Nice"?
74
00:03:02,766 --> 00:03:04,766
Ebba, we're all entitled
to our beliefs.
75
00:03:04,809 --> 00:03:08,189
And I believe
every kid deserves a gift,
76
00:03:08,229 --> 00:03:11,569
be it Naughty, Nice, or Jewish.
77
00:03:11,608 --> 00:03:15,278
Then the iceballs
will continue to rain.
78
00:03:17,781 --> 00:03:19,531
She's serious.
79
00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:23,454
She would rather start a war
than give every child a toy.
80
00:03:23,495 --> 00:03:27,245
That does seem to be
her position.
81
00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:28,960
And ours, too.
82
00:03:29,834 --> 00:03:30,924
Huh.
83
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,630
Well, fuck me sideways.
84
00:03:35,465 --> 00:03:37,925
With the North Pole
on the verge of destruction,
85
00:03:37,967 --> 00:03:39,637
it's time to execute our plan.
86
00:03:39,678 --> 00:03:42,138
Step one--
consolidate power .
87
00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:43,470
Step two...
88
00:03:43,515 --> 00:03:45,555
[as Al Pacino]
Execute his soul!
89
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,850
Wait, was that supposed
to be Al Pacino?
90
00:03:48,853 --> 00:03:51,613
[as Al Pacino] Say hello
to my stupid fucking son.
91
00:03:51,648 --> 00:03:53,478
You know what,
let's just move on.
92
00:03:53,525 --> 00:03:55,525
Uh, the Reindeer Union
93
00:03:55,568 --> 00:03:58,198
carries a lot of weight
in this town.
94
00:03:58,238 --> 00:04:00,908
Hey! Santa Claus
is pretty heavy, too.
95
00:04:00,949 --> 00:04:02,449
Political.
96
00:04:02,492 --> 00:04:04,042
Ugh. Did the last guest
97
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:06,117
leave a used condom
on the floor?
98
00:04:06,162 --> 00:04:07,212
Yeah...
99
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:10,207
the last guest... yeah.
100
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:11,250
This place is disgusting.
101
00:04:11,292 --> 00:04:12,462
Can we do this
someplace else?
102
00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:14,962
Jack, without
the reindeer union,
103
00:04:15,005 --> 00:04:16,205
you'll be dead in the water.
104
00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:18,336
Literally, you can't fly,
105
00:04:18,383 --> 00:04:19,473
and we're surrounded
106
00:04:19,509 --> 00:04:21,639
by rapidly-melting
polar-ice caps.
107
00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:25,098
So, come on, let's see you do
a little politicking.
108
00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:27,850
For far too long,
109
00:04:27,892 --> 00:04:30,312
the reindeer
have been underutilized.
110
00:04:30,353 --> 00:04:32,193
But I know everything
about flying.
111
00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:34,570
I know the biggest airline
is Delta,
112
00:04:34,607 --> 00:04:38,107
but the number-one airline
is Singapore.
113
00:04:38,153 --> 00:04:39,323
I rest my case.
114
00:04:39,362 --> 00:04:41,202
Yeah, whatever, dude.
115
00:04:41,239 --> 00:04:43,579
I just want
whatever your mother wants.
116
00:04:44,617 --> 00:04:45,947
What's going on here?
117
00:04:45,994 --> 00:04:49,914
[***]
118
00:04:54,711 --> 00:04:57,551
[***]
119
00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:03,138
[boom!]
120
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:10,516
[***]
121
00:05:14,856 --> 00:05:16,816
[echoing scream] No!
122
00:05:16,858 --> 00:05:18,438
[rumbling]
123
00:05:19,903 --> 00:05:20,903
Fire!
124
00:05:22,197 --> 00:05:23,697
[splat!]
125
00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:25,120
[phones ringing]
126
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:26,738
You gonna take
any of these calls?
127
00:05:26,785 --> 00:05:28,195
[sighs]
128
00:05:28,244 --> 00:05:30,334
It's the elves on the shelves.
129
00:05:30,372 --> 00:05:31,582
They're gonna be so angry.
130
00:05:31,623 --> 00:05:32,963
Maybe you could talk to them?
131
00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:34,829
And I'll make dinner?
132
00:05:34,876 --> 00:05:35,916
What?
133
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:37,130
This is, like,
my third day on the job.
134
00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:39,340
Alright, fine, yeah.
135
00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:40,381
Okay, let me just--
136
00:05:40,423 --> 00:05:42,053
let me just
get in the zone, okay?
137
00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:43,342
Buh-wa-wa-waw.
138
00:05:43,385 --> 00:05:46,215
Santa!
What the fuck are you doing?
139
00:05:46,262 --> 00:05:47,602
[phones ringing]
140
00:05:47,639 --> 00:05:48,719
Toys.
141
00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:52,055
[phones ringing]
142
00:05:52,102 --> 00:05:53,982
[rock music playing]
143
00:05:55,438 --> 00:05:58,858
Are you sure
this is a good idea?
144
00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:00,780
Man, you saw Jerry.
145
00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:03,069
It felt like
he had seen the light.
146
00:06:03,113 --> 00:06:04,453
And it was golden.
147
00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:08,367
[Len] Whoa.
148
00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:09,830
Take my hand.
149
00:06:09,869 --> 00:06:12,119
And let's go get
golden showers of light.
150
00:06:12,163 --> 00:06:13,213
Together.
151
00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,960
[rock music playing]
152
00:06:24,676 --> 00:06:25,466
Whoa.
153
00:06:25,510 --> 00:06:27,430
You're Cocoa Scarborough.
154
00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:29,140
What are you doing here?
155
00:06:29,180 --> 00:06:31,310
Spreading the motherfucking news,
156
00:06:31,349 --> 00:06:33,099
and this just in--
157
00:06:33,143 --> 00:06:34,813
I'm coked out of my head.
158
00:06:34,853 --> 00:06:36,693
Back to you, me,
for more coke.
159
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:39,770
Hey, maybe you should slow down?
160
00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:40,976
Fuck that!
161
00:06:41,026 --> 00:06:41,986
I'm a bird,
162
00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:43,647
and this is the only way
I can fly!
163
00:06:43,695 --> 00:06:45,775
So wheels up,
you elven bitches!
164
00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:46,702
Whoo!
165
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:48,990
[snorts cocaine]
Get on up! Whoo!
166
00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:53,120
I told your husband
he messed with the wrong lady,
167
00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:54,713
and I'll tell you, too.
168
00:06:56,791 --> 00:06:58,251
Oh! You messed
with the wrong lady.
169
00:06:58,293 --> 00:07:00,553
I get it. I do.
170
00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:01,957
You guys
have been living your life
171
00:07:02,005 --> 00:07:04,295
based on the teachings
of Skatonik.
172
00:07:04,341 --> 00:07:05,511
Then, all of a sudden,
173
00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:08,430
someone comes around
and says, "Hey, Jerk!
174
00:07:08,470 --> 00:07:10,310
Not only
are your beliefs wrong,
175
00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:13,477
you're also
an unethical piece of shit!"
176
00:07:13,516 --> 00:07:16,846
Yes, finally,
someone understands.
177
00:07:16,895 --> 00:07:18,555
It sucks.
178
00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:19,975
We're good, nice elves here.
179
00:07:20,023 --> 00:07:22,613
I couldn't agree more.
180
00:07:22,650 --> 00:07:23,570
Which is why
I come to you tonight
181
00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:25,570
not as Mrs. Claus,
182
00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:27,992
but as Gretchen Weaver.
183
00:07:28,031 --> 00:07:29,281
A Christmas-lovin',
184
00:07:29,324 --> 00:07:31,204
gator-wrasslin',
185
00:07:31,242 --> 00:07:32,912
jet-ski-ridin' Christian
186
00:07:32,952 --> 00:07:33,832
from Florida.
187
00:07:33,870 --> 00:07:36,040
None of that
sounds Christian.
188
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,040
Amen?
189
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:40,789
Okay, here's the deal.
190
00:07:40,835 --> 00:07:42,995
My son and I have been building
a secret coalition
191
00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:44,376
to take back the factory.
192
00:07:44,422 --> 00:07:46,382
We have the support
of the Reindeer,
193
00:07:46,424 --> 00:07:47,384
the Teachers' Union,
194
00:07:47,425 --> 00:07:48,425
the Polar Bears,
195
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,138
and Lord Cane the Candy Mane.
196
00:07:50,178 --> 00:07:54,218
But we're still missing
the most important piece...
197
00:07:54,265 --> 00:07:55,675
you.
198
00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:58,977
Under my son's reign,
199
00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:02,520
naughtiness will once again
be punished around the world.
200
00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:04,185
Sound good?
201
00:08:04,234 --> 00:08:05,994
This isn't a joke, is it?
202
00:08:06,027 --> 00:08:08,107
Blackjack is risen.
203
00:08:11,908 --> 00:08:12,778
I must say,
204
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:15,786
I was not expecting this.
205
00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:19,081
But heck yes!
206
00:08:19,124 --> 00:08:20,714
Okay, great.
207
00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:22,876
Jack, it's time for phase two.
208
00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:24,549
Call up your dad
and set up the meeting.
209
00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:25,797
After Nick steps down,
210
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:27,839
the naughty elves
will follow suit,
211
00:08:27,882 --> 00:08:30,512
and you'll have your factory
back by tomorrow.
212
00:08:30,552 --> 00:08:31,852
Wait, we're not gonna
213
00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:34,676
just let those traitors
walk, right?
214
00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:36,563
Ebba, mobilize your army.
215
00:08:36,599 --> 00:08:37,519
Wait, what?
216
00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:38,689
We'll see how they feel
217
00:08:38,727 --> 00:08:41,017
after a 16-hour shift
in the coal mine.
218
00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:43,442
And let's separate them
from their children, too.
219
00:08:43,481 --> 00:08:45,731
Okay, chill out,
Christmas Hitler.
220
00:08:45,775 --> 00:08:49,895
I sentence all traitors
to the fate of Skatonik's Whore.
221
00:08:51,406 --> 00:08:52,656
Blackjack!
222
00:08:56,119 --> 00:08:57,619
It's like
you don't even know me, Dad.
223
00:08:57,662 --> 00:08:59,662
Sir. Son of Sir.
224
00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:03,586
Ooh, it is an honor
to have you in my establishment.
225
00:09:03,626 --> 00:09:06,296
Sugarplums on the house.
226
00:09:06,338 --> 00:09:07,918
No, please, stop it.
227
00:09:07,964 --> 00:09:10,384
No, I insist on paying.
228
00:09:10,425 --> 00:09:11,925
And out of curiosity,
229
00:09:11,968 --> 00:09:14,048
you wouldn't happen to offer
a dessert omakase, would you?
230
00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:16,969
I'll see what I can do.
[cackling]
231
00:09:18,433 --> 00:09:19,563
Everyone loves you, eh?
232
00:09:19,601 --> 00:09:20,771
Must be nice.
233
00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:22,440
Meh, call it
the perks of the job.
234
00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:23,769
You'll see.
235
00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:26,523
You'll get all this nice stuff
one day, too.
236
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:27,566
Isn't that why we're here?
237
00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:29,239
Nice stuff.
238
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:30,987
Naughty stuff.
239
00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:35,738
Dad, do you remember
Christmas 2011?
240
00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:38,504
Son, I don't even remember
where I parked.
241
00:09:38,536 --> 00:09:39,496
[chuckles]
242
00:09:39,537 --> 00:09:40,407
Well, I do.
243
00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:42,535
I sat on your lap,
244
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:45,002
and you said I could have
anything I wanted.
245
00:09:45,043 --> 00:09:47,303
So, every day,
I did my chores, made my bed,
246
00:09:47,337 --> 00:09:48,667
brushed my teeth.
247
00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:50,473
I was probably
248
00:09:50,507 --> 00:09:51,837
the nicest kid in the world
that year.
249
00:09:53,134 --> 00:09:55,804
And all I asked for
was a T-Pain Microphone--
250
00:09:55,845 --> 00:09:58,805
the kind that makes your voice
sound all auto-tuned.
251
00:09:58,848 --> 00:10:00,768
Not too cray.
Am I right?
252
00:10:00,809 --> 00:10:02,139
Not too big an ask.
253
00:10:03,061 --> 00:10:04,771
But when Christmas came around,
254
00:10:04,813 --> 00:10:06,193
you forgot about me.
255
00:10:07,315 --> 00:10:08,775
Oh, Jack, I am--
256
00:10:08,817 --> 00:10:11,487
[Elf Cook] So this is more
of a breakfast than a dessert,
257
00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:12,778
but I thought it could be
258
00:10:12,821 --> 00:10:15,031
an interesting follow-up
to the sugarplums.
259
00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:16,493
Hey, can you give us a second?
260
00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:17,993
Oh! Sorry.
261
00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:19,454
Enjoy.
262
00:10:19,494 --> 00:10:23,544
You managed to give gifts
to 500 million other children,
263
00:10:23,581 --> 00:10:25,921
but you forgot
about your own son.
264
00:10:27,544 --> 00:10:29,054
Story of my fucking life.
265
00:10:29,087 --> 00:10:30,047
[sighs]
266
00:10:30,088 --> 00:10:31,338
When you become
Father Christmas,
267
00:10:31,381 --> 00:10:33,591
they forget to tell you
that the first part--
268
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:35,183
being a father--
269
00:10:35,218 --> 00:10:38,348
is pretty important, too.
270
00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:39,428
Jack, I'm...
271
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:41,352
I'm so sorry.
272
00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:45,061
I never thought any child
should get coal, ever.
273
00:10:45,103 --> 00:10:47,903
But getting nothing is worse.
274
00:10:47,939 --> 00:10:49,859
Because it means
nobody's even watching.
275
00:10:52,068 --> 00:10:53,528
Hey...
276
00:10:53,570 --> 00:10:54,990
why don't you sit
on Santa's lap
277
00:10:55,030 --> 00:10:57,490
and tell me what you would like
for Christmas this year?
278
00:10:58,616 --> 00:11:00,536
Dad, come on.
279
00:11:00,577 --> 00:11:01,867
Please sit on my lap.
280
00:11:02,954 --> 00:11:04,164
You'll see one day.
281
00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:06,875
Heavy is the belly
that wears the suit.
282
00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:08,456
You know what, Dad?
283
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:09,921
Let's do it.
284
00:11:13,089 --> 00:11:15,549
I was the one
who leaked the photo,
285
00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:17,892
because all I want
for Christmas...
286
00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:19,427
is your motherfucking suit.
287
00:11:20,764 --> 00:11:22,314
You're done, old man.
288
00:11:24,476 --> 00:11:25,976
Ho, ho...
289
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:28,807
Fuck!
290
00:11:28,855 --> 00:11:30,225
Sorry, Jack, sorry.
291
00:11:30,273 --> 00:11:31,363
Goddamn it!
292
00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:34,821
You okay, honey?
293
00:11:34,861 --> 00:11:38,031
Yeah, let me
just pay the check.
294
00:11:39,824 --> 00:11:43,204
[***]
295
00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:45,124
[brakes screeching]
296
00:11:45,174 --> 00:11:49,724
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