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00:00:08,991 --> 00:00:11,899
Wow, this is it, folks!
Can you believe it?
2
00:00:11,900 --> 00:00:13,999
Four years of edge-of-your-seat fun
3
00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:17,499
all comes down to one day
of nut-crushing terror.
4
00:00:17,500 --> 00:00:19,659
I haven't been this nervous
since the brief moment
5
00:00:19,660 --> 00:00:21,869
between Jeffrey Epstein's
arrest and death.
6
00:00:21,870 --> 00:00:23,299
I feel like I'm sitting on pins
7
00:00:23,300 --> 00:00:25,039
and needle dick. Freudian slip!
8
00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:28,789
Bottom line is my body has less
Vitamin D than a sock drawer.
9
00:00:28,790 --> 00:00:30,329
Folks, ain't it great, folks?
10
00:00:30,330 --> 00:00:32,239
The polls have me with a big ol' lead
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that for some reason we're
supposed to trust this time!
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If I didn't know better,
13
00:00:36,050 --> 00:00:37,969
I'd think somebody was setting me up.
14
00:00:37,970 --> 00:00:39,813
Come on out, Borax!
15
00:00:39,814 --> 00:00:42,179
Joe says COVID will bring a dark winter,
16
00:00:42,180 --> 00:00:43,509
and I say great!
17
00:00:43,510 --> 00:00:45,709
Warming up under the
covers is the best way
18
00:00:45,710 --> 00:00:48,405
to watch a scary movie
where everyone dies!
19
00:00:48,406 --> 00:00:51,939
How many of you folks are voting
via absentee ballot, huh?
20
00:00:51,940 --> 00:00:53,689
- [CROWD CHEERING]
- Great!
21
00:00:53,690 --> 00:00:56,609
And how many are voting
in person on Election Day?
22
00:00:56,610 --> 00:00:57,927
[PERSON COUGHS]
23
00:00:57,928 --> 00:00:59,609
Cool, cool.
24
00:00:59,610 --> 00:01:01,697
I'm sure our honorable Supreme Court
25
00:01:01,698 --> 00:01:03,239
will treat all votes the same.
26
00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:04,479
What's it up to now?
27
00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:07,341
Eight Catholics and a lady who
answers to "baby vessel"?
28
00:01:07,342 --> 00:01:09,159
My path to victory is clear.
29
00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:13,039
I just have to unite my vast
coalition of poor and rich racists!
30
00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:15,199
I'm looking at you, suburban women,
31
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who's biggest contribution
to the black community
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was renting Get Out on Prime.
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I promise to stand by Joe's
side for the next four years.
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But, if he runs for a second term,
35
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we are going to have problems!
36
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Oh, my God! It's gonna be a bloodbath!
37
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He could win Texas!
38
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What happened... besides the plague?
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I'm gonna just keep going.
40
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The longer I talk,
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the less time Joe has to fuck it up.
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You know when you make a bad choice,
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but it's too late to back out,
44
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so you invest your whole being
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into a worthless sack of shit
46
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you just know will ruin your life?
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Uhp, forgot who I'm talking to.
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You guys get it.
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Give it up for Melania.
I love her so much,
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and one day I'll find
out where she lives.
51
00:01:59,143 --> 00:02:01,459
Folks, Trump, COVID, folks.
52
00:02:01,460 --> 00:02:03,820
This is about democracy.
It's about character.
53
00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:06,139
This is about democracy.
It's about character.
54
00:02:06,140 --> 00:02:09,445
Jill! I'm stuck in one of
those mental loops again!
55
00:02:09,446 --> 00:02:12,979
Ladies and gentlemen,
because I made a promise,
56
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and my word is as good
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as the gold paint on my hotel toilets,
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I present to you, the cure for COVID-19!
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Hillary Dickory Dock!
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- [CROWD GASPS]
- I can't show it to you
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until after you re-elect me.
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Magician rules, you see.
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[GASPING]
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Dad, Don made me drink
a gallon of clamato juice
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and then locked me in this empty box!
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By the way, you're gonna
wanna hose this out.
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This bungled sleight of hand
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is in no way a perfect
metaphor for my Presidency.
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And for my next trick,
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I'll be firebombing
the US Postal Service!
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- [CROWD CHEERS]
- Whoo!
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By the way, good luck
catching a bus home.
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Hope you brought space heaters.
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? ?
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- One, two, three.
- Geez, if you want the job so bad,
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- you can have it.
- Four!
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[PRESIDENT TRUMP] I can't wait
to get my 2020 electoral map
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laminated into placemats
for the next state dinner.
80
00:03:08,380 --> 00:03:10,719
And we're gonna get those
really, really long sandwiches.
81
00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:12,579
What's the latest on
Operation Election Day,
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subhead "Don't Make Me
Look Like a Loser"?
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We've gerrymandered
California to a point
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where L.A. and San Francisco are,
85
00:03:17,740 --> 00:03:19,539
electorally speaking, ocean.
86
00:03:19,540 --> 00:03:21,959
And our Macedonian bots
are spreading a conspiracy
87
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:24,852
that Joe Biden has his pants
stuffed with a mannequin's ass.
88
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I can already taste the hoagie juice
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sucked from every tiny wrinkle
in the palm of my hand.
90
00:03:29,650 --> 00:03:31,193
But none of it is working.
91
00:03:31,208 --> 00:03:32,524
You're trailing so badly
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that Mississippi is a swing state.
93
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But they cleared a space
on their flag just for me!
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There is... one option left.
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Have you considered
actually campaigning?
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I campaign all the time.
97
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My rallies even have people
who pay more to sit
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in the "splash zones"!
99
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- I mean shaking hands...
- Ew, yuck. Both of 'em?
100
00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:52,579
- Having conversations...
- Snooze.
101
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Making eye contact...
102
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Yuck. Both of 'em?
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Showing voters you're a
real person who cares.
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The fastest way to become a
loser is to care about losers.
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Now make yourselves useful
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and get me one of those mannequin asses.
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[BIDEN] Moving on up!
108
00:04:05,936 --> 00:04:08,313
White House basement, here we come!
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00:04:08,314 --> 00:04:11,019
The latest poll has us up
with women, under 35's,
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- and non-whites.
- That's offensive!
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They prefer to be called Black.
112
00:04:14,987 --> 00:04:17,487
But we're facing a major enthusiasm gap.
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Only 20 percent of Democrats
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say they're planning to vote this year.
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Don't blame 'em. Who looks
forward to going to a smelly gym
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full of all your neighbors asking you
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to return their power tools?
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Joe, you need to give the voters
that last inspiring message
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that gets their butts off
the couch of indifference
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and into the voting booth of apathy.
121
00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:37,175
Hey, Jill! Hey, Jackie!
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Joe, what was your Halloween promise?
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If I can wear my costume all day
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and eat the Clark Bars,
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00:04:43,980 --> 00:04:46,643
then I will go back to campaigning
full-time in November.
126
00:04:46,644 --> 00:04:49,145
And what is your inspiring
closing message?
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We can't know the
message until it's said.
128
00:04:51,190 --> 00:04:52,979
And that message, whatever it will be,
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is inspiring, because I,
Joe Biden, am spoutin' it!
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Jackie never hassles
me about this stuff.
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If you need us we'll be
playin' Ding Dong Ditch,
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00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:04,283
forgetting to run, and
instead talkin' to folks
133
00:05:04,284 --> 00:05:06,871
about why the Iraq War
made sense at the time.
134
00:05:06,872 --> 00:05:08,659
? ?
135
00:05:08,660 --> 00:05:12,489
Dad, what the shit are all these
moving company fliers doing
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00:05:12,490 --> 00:05:13,628
in the front doorway?
137
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I thought they were takeout menus
138
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and ordered "the bubble wrap" for lunch.
139
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:21,187
Now every time something bumps my tum...
140
00:05:21,188 --> 00:05:23,221
Dad, Eric's showing off!
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Despite my popularity among patriots
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exercising their right to
defecate in grocery stores
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with unconstitutional mask requirements,
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- other voters are being total teases.
- Wait.
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Record scratch 3000.
146
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Are you gonna friggin' lose?
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Relax, I can reverse the insurrection
148
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with an executive order declaring
the whole thing a mulligan.
149
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But, if you lose, your only power
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will be stopping golf games
early for omelette o'clock.
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You ingrate.
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You've benefited the most
from omelette o'clock!
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If we move, will I have to go
back to my old pediatrician?
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She said my soft spot
was healing opposite
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and now my whole head is soft.
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Dad, you need to get
people to vote for you.
157
00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:02,939
I already asked Kimberly Guilfoyle
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to be my date at "Inauguration 2"
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for our slammiversary!
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00:06:07,141 --> 00:06:10,149
Sorry, Don. I didn't get into
politics to beg for votes.
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I did it to tick off Barack Obama
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by sleeping in his bed.
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[BIDEN] Hey, Jackie,
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do you think we can get Aretha Franklin
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to sing at my inauguration, too?
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At this rate, there won't
be an inauguration.
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Aw, Jill, there's an
inauguration every year.
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They're rain or shine, sweetie.
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Just tell voters that you, Joe Biden,
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are the only one standing between them
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and an inferno of irreversible trauma.
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Messages are so divisive.
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I like being the generic guy
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everyone is reluctantly "okay" with.
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I need you to be the guy who wins,
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just this once, okay?
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Or I will lose my goddamn mind.
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Hey! I think voters got it by now.
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And if not, there's always 2024.
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Joe, this might not be
your last campaign,
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but it will be the last one
where I clean up your mistakes.
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Jackie's a bad influence!
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? ?
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[PRESIDENT TRUMP] A dash of Monticello
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and a splash of Versailles.
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Honestly, I could live with it.
187
00:07:01,100 --> 00:07:03,488
What exactly am I looking at?
188
00:07:03,489 --> 00:07:05,817
There's a slight chance
I might retire mid-week.
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Totally under control, by the way.
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But in that event, I've settled
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on my humble post-White House quarters.
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Are those topiaries of dinosaurs?
193
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Yes, and that's a fountain
statue of Kimberly Guilfoyle
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leaving Don Jr. for me at the altar.
195
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It's not like leaving the
Vatican, Mr. President.
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Your government-subsidized housing
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depends on winning this thing.
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[GASPS] Can you at least cosign
199
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a $450 million loan?!
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[BIDEN] No one will even recognize me.
201
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No one ever recognizes
"Jukebox Billy Pips."
202
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Hey! Where is everyone?
203
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I'm here to talk to voters.
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We're going to just
watch the focus group
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on closed circuit TV. They can't see us.
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But they'll never know what hit 'em!
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[FOCUS GROUP LEADER]
So, are you voting for Trump?
208
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- Hell no!
- So you're voting for Biden then?
209
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Huh. Guess I haven't
thought that far ahead!
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If I don't show up to vote for Trump,
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I think they count it
as an automatic vote
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for that Biden guy.
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00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:54,060
I know I'm not for Trump.
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I just don't know what Biden stands for.
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Oh, didn't he come out
against circumcision?
216
00:07:58,540 --> 00:07:59,959
No, you're thinking of Bernie Sanders.
217
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:02,639
No, no, no, Bernie is
the healthcare guy.
218
00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:04,298
I think Trump is no-cut.
219
00:08:04,299 --> 00:08:06,639
? ?
220
00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:09,319
[OBAMA] Just a few more
pajama-soaking night-sweats away
221
00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:12,079
from waking up on a yacht
in French Polynesia.
222
00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:13,999
Barack! I need a closing message.
223
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Can I have "Yes We Can"?
224
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No. I stole it fair and square.
225
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Fine, can Michelle be my wife?
226
00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:20,419
Just until Tuesday night at 9:00!
227
00:08:20,420 --> 00:08:22,179
Joe, you need to look
deep inside yourself
228
00:08:22,180 --> 00:08:23,193
and find your own message.
229
00:08:23,194 --> 00:08:24,719
I don't know if I have it in me.
230
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Me, Joe Biden.
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00:08:26,060 --> 00:08:28,072
I'm in disguise, remember?
232
00:08:28,073 --> 00:08:30,734
At first, I wasn't sure
about picking you as my VP.
233
00:08:30,735 --> 00:08:32,640
But then you stormed into my office
234
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screaming about how good Robert
Downey Jr. was in Tropic Thunder.
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That's when I knew you were
the key to locking down voters
236
00:08:38,180 --> 00:08:39,959
who like dog-whistles more than policy.
237
00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:42,713
And you can deliver a
game-changing message again, Joe.
238
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Thanks, Barack!
239
00:08:43,740 --> 00:08:45,919
Just like Robert Downey Jr.,
240
00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:47,216
I can do anything!
241
00:08:47,217 --> 00:08:49,261
Even the really ill-advised stuff!
242
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[PRESIDENT TRUMP]
Now comes the most difficult time
243
00:08:52,020 --> 00:08:53,389
of my Presidency.
244
00:08:53,390 --> 00:08:55,399
I've decided to win this election
245
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:57,227
and prove I'm not a loser.
246
00:08:57,228 --> 00:08:59,103
Finally! How do we rig this thing?
247
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By doing the unthinkable.
248
00:09:00,765 --> 00:09:03,519
I'm going to talk to the normal,
everyday Americans
249
00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:06,704
that are essential to the cheap,
itchy fabric of this nation.
250
00:09:06,705 --> 00:09:09,139
I'm going to find out
what they... [GROANS]
251
00:09:09,140 --> 00:09:11,499
- ... care about.
- Just don't let the campaign trail
252
00:09:11,500 --> 00:09:13,849
make you into one of those
bleeding-heart politicians
253
00:09:13,850 --> 00:09:15,078
like Mitch McConnell.
254
00:09:15,079 --> 00:09:16,549
I would never do that, Don.
255
00:09:16,550 --> 00:09:19,909
I promise to always put myself first.
256
00:09:19,910 --> 00:09:21,619
In case you forget, take this.
257
00:09:21,620 --> 00:09:22,877
What the fuck is this?
258
00:09:22,878 --> 00:09:24,919
It's the toaster that
Grandpa Fred gave to us.
259
00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:25,929
I knew that!
260
00:09:25,930 --> 00:09:28,057
He said that if we ever find ourselves
261
00:09:28,058 --> 00:09:30,257
reaching a hand out to help someone,
262
00:09:30,258 --> 00:09:32,899
we should put that hand
right in here instead,
263
00:09:32,900 --> 00:09:35,839
so you can feel how
harmful compassion is.
264
00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:38,329
Boys, we've got an election to win.
265
00:09:38,330 --> 00:09:42,059
Just a quick reminder that
the election is this Tuesday,
266
00:09:42,060 --> 00:09:44,440
so pretty quick turnaround on this one.
267
00:09:44,441 --> 00:09:48,920
? ?
268
00:09:48,946 --> 00:09:52,859
? ?
269
00:09:52,860 --> 00:09:54,829
I'm Lester Holt, and the
magazines in my bathroom
270
00:09:54,830 --> 00:09:55,919
will always be current.
271
00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:58,239
As Election Day nears, an
embattled President Trump
272
00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:00,780
has traded his MAGA
rallies for retail politics.
273
00:10:00,788 --> 00:10:02,869
Sources spotted him at an Iowa diner
274
00:10:02,870 --> 00:10:04,479
connecting with undecided voters.
275
00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:07,922
Could this be a new, humble,
possibly hypnotized Trump?
276
00:10:07,923 --> 00:10:10,464
I've never been prouder
of you, Mr. President.
277
00:10:10,465 --> 00:10:13,099
As soon as you begin to talk
to the heterosexual people
278
00:10:13,100 --> 00:10:14,319
of this fine country,
279
00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:16,556
I know you're going to
love 'em to pieces.
280
00:10:16,557 --> 00:10:18,799
Please tell me the Secret
Service will open fire
281
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:20,309
if they try to eat my crullers.
282
00:10:20,310 --> 00:10:21,479
Here comes one now.
283
00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:23,379
[TERRY] Hi, Mr. President! I'm Terry.
284
00:10:23,380 --> 00:10:25,259
Hi, dumb, ugly Terry.
285
00:10:25,260 --> 00:10:27,199
I'm [GROANS] listening.
286
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:29,314
- My son's in the military...
- Uh-huh.
287
00:10:29,315 --> 00:10:30,439
I can't afford insulin.
288
00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:32,699
So you're wrapping it up
soon, then, life-wise?
289
00:10:32,700 --> 00:10:35,157
And we got 23 potholes
on the main road here.
290
00:10:35,158 --> 00:10:37,127
Then move to Palm Beach, genius.
291
00:10:37,128 --> 00:10:38,827
At Snyder's grocery on Maple,
292
00:10:38,828 --> 00:10:41,163
they'll double your dairy
coupons on Tuesdays,
293
00:10:41,164 --> 00:10:42,579
but it's still not nearly enough
294
00:10:42,580 --> 00:10:44,337
if you're trying to buy a gallon of milk
295
00:10:44,338 --> 00:10:46,669
- for your kids' three different cereals.
- Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!
296
00:10:46,670 --> 00:10:48,171
Ahhhh! Open fire!
297
00:10:48,172 --> 00:10:49,199
? ?
298
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:50,359
[BIDEN] I need you guys to help me
299
00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:51,841
come up with a closing message.
300
00:10:51,842 --> 00:10:53,570
I never had one in the primaries
301
00:10:53,578 --> 00:10:56,247
'cause y'all folded so
fast voting didn't matter.
302
00:10:56,248 --> 00:10:57,614
No one liked all my planning,
303
00:10:57,615 --> 00:11:00,199
so maybe try something
like, "Fine, smart asses,
304
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:01,999
find your own way out of this hellhole."
305
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:04,887
Maybe "All for Medicare,"
306
00:11:04,888 --> 00:11:06,619
or is preventing stadium-sized morgues
307
00:11:06,620 --> 00:11:07,699
still somehow controversial.
308
00:11:07,700 --> 00:11:10,287
Try "Quiero Super PAC dinero."
309
00:11:10,288 --> 00:11:12,361
Plays to multiple demographics.
310
00:11:12,362 --> 00:11:14,149
Whoa, you all talk fast.
311
00:11:14,150 --> 00:11:15,679
Okay, so, we got:
312
00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:19,700
"Smart asses, find your
own Medicare. Gracias."
313
00:11:20,738 --> 00:11:22,459
Sure, Joe. Sounds good.
314
00:11:22,460 --> 00:11:23,479
Hey, break a leg out there.
315
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:25,124
- Yeah, Joe, break a leg.
- Break a leg, buddy.
316
00:11:25,125 --> 00:11:27,699
? ?
317
00:11:27,700 --> 00:11:30,671
[LINDELL] Mr. President,
it's my distinct honor
318
00:11:30,672 --> 00:11:34,277
to bring MyPillow to your doorstep.
319
00:11:34,278 --> 00:11:39,579
Behold, the height of
pillow-stuffing technology.
320
00:11:39,580 --> 00:11:42,479
Thanks. So what sort of blue-collar
trash am I looking at here?
321
00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:45,099
You ever wonder how
we get the cushioning
322
00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:46,349
in the pillow sack?
323
00:11:46,350 --> 00:11:48,259
I'm picturing a turducken situation?
324
00:11:48,260 --> 00:11:50,650
Oh, boy, you're in for a treat!
325
00:11:50,651 --> 00:11:52,860
Let me get the Koosher going.
326
00:11:52,861 --> 00:11:54,838
While Mike's doing that,
I just want to tell
327
00:11:54,839 --> 00:11:58,319
all the blue collar voters
I care about you.
328
00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:01,659
Oh, goodness, I seem
to have gotten caught.
329
00:12:01,660 --> 00:12:03,847
Oh! Mr. President, this
could be an opportunity
330
00:12:03,848 --> 00:12:05,314
to display some compassion.
331
00:12:05,315 --> 00:12:06,959
If anyone deserves compassion,
332
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:09,790
it's me for missing Judge
Jeanine for this event.
333
00:12:09,795 --> 00:12:13,959
Not to worry, maybe I can
just kick the switch off.
334
00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:15,379
[GRUNTING]
335
00:12:15,380 --> 00:12:19,345
Good Christ in trap-house
heaven, my arm!
336
00:12:19,346 --> 00:12:20,697
Help me!
337
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:23,049
- [SCREAMING]
- Should we go?
338
00:12:23,050 --> 00:12:25,099
[BIDEN] And that's how I got elected
339
00:12:25,100 --> 00:12:28,355
the first white lifeguard at
that South African prison!
340
00:12:28,368 --> 00:12:30,279
I want to thank y'all for coming out,
341
00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:31,560
and I just want to say,
342
00:12:31,566 --> 00:12:34,407
on behalf of the entire
Democratic party,
343
00:12:34,408 --> 00:12:37,529
this Tuesday, November 3rd...
344
00:12:37,530 --> 00:12:38,540
_
345
00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:41,279
Break a leg!
346
00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:43,579
- [PERSON COUGHS]
- Or... if you like your legs,
347
00:12:43,580 --> 00:12:45,287
you can keep it!
348
00:12:45,288 --> 00:12:48,291
[MAN] Bernie only suspended
his campaign, right?
349
00:12:48,292 --> 00:12:50,119
? ?
350
00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:51,919
[PRESIDENT TRUMP]
Well, that was a nightmare.
351
00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:54,630
The MyPillow guy got blood on my sock.
352
00:12:54,631 --> 00:12:57,467
The good news is Mr. Lindell's
arm is salvageable!
353
00:12:57,468 --> 00:12:59,399
So Lindell's still got two arms,
354
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:00,979
and I might only have one term?
355
00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:03,207
- How is that fair?
- It's certainly not.
356
00:13:03,208 --> 00:13:05,339
I have a great deal of empathy for you.
357
00:13:05,340 --> 00:13:06,919
Empa-what? Did you mean to say
358
00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:09,307
"Debra Messing is a
very nasty has-been"?
359
00:13:09,308 --> 00:13:10,769
No, sir, "empathy"!
360
00:13:10,770 --> 00:13:11,839
It's an emotion.
361
00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:13,979
Do you know what empathy is?
362
00:13:13,980 --> 00:13:15,979
Of course I don't know the
word you just made up.
363
00:13:15,980 --> 00:13:18,269
There are only two emotions
and you don't seem screaming,
364
00:13:18,270 --> 00:13:19,479
so you must be hungry.
365
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:22,499
Empathy is understanding
what someone else is feeling,
366
00:13:22,500 --> 00:13:25,187
placing yourself in
someone else's position.
367
00:13:25,188 --> 00:13:28,704
I do it every day with anyone
who looks exactly like me.
368
00:13:28,705 --> 00:13:30,179
- Sounds gross.
- Try this.
369
00:13:30,180 --> 00:13:32,419
Close your eyes and
imagine a nice young man
370
00:13:32,420 --> 00:13:34,437
at that diner wanting a sandwich.
371
00:13:34,438 --> 00:13:35,989
How is this my problem?
372
00:13:35,990 --> 00:13:38,239
Now imagine you're that nice young man,
373
00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:39,659
and you want that sandwich.
374
00:13:39,660 --> 00:13:42,640
Then someone better get
that Trump a sandwich!
375
00:13:42,650 --> 00:13:44,847
Empathy. Of course!
376
00:13:44,848 --> 00:13:48,393
Caring about someone if
they are you in your head!
377
00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:51,979
[BIDEN] I told the voters
one message and got bupkis.
378
00:13:51,980 --> 00:13:54,279
I said the opposite,
and it was even quieter.
379
00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:55,919
They just like that I'm not the guy
380
00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:57,611
in the White House right now.
381
00:13:57,612 --> 00:13:59,459
It's your best asset,
and we can't ignore it.
382
00:13:59,460 --> 00:14:02,094
What do you say I get Hunter
to ask his Ukrainian friends
383
00:14:02,095 --> 00:14:03,359
to hack voting machines
384
00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:06,285
so ballots just say
"Trump" or "Not Trump."
385
00:14:06,286 --> 00:14:07,469
There's not enough time! Think, Joe!
386
00:14:07,470 --> 00:14:08,619
Something that says your name
387
00:14:08,620 --> 00:14:10,748
and what we want people
to do with your name.
388
00:14:10,749 --> 00:14:12,708
Uh, vote... Joe?
389
00:14:12,709 --> 00:14:15,749
Wow, simple message for a simple man.
390
00:14:15,750 --> 00:14:17,177
- I love it.
- I don't know.
391
00:14:17,178 --> 00:14:18,269
It doesn't say much.
392
00:14:18,270 --> 00:14:20,277
Which is perfect for you!
393
00:14:20,278 --> 00:14:21,647
If you say so, Barack.
394
00:14:21,648 --> 00:14:24,095
I do. I really do. Vote Joe.
395
00:14:24,096 --> 00:14:25,700
- Vote Joe!
- Vote Joe.
396
00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:27,420
- Vote Joe!
- Vote Joe!
397
00:14:28,148 --> 00:14:30,014
[TODD] Welcome to tonight's town hall.
398
00:14:30,015 --> 00:14:32,159
I'm Chuck Todd and people
must always be telling
399
00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:34,230
a really funny joke just
as I'm leaving the barber.
400
00:14:34,231 --> 00:14:37,157
Tonight, President Trump will talk
directly with undecided voters.
401
00:14:37,158 --> 00:14:38,619
Happy to be here to empathize
402
00:14:38,620 --> 00:14:40,789
with all these average
American low-lives.
403
00:14:40,790 --> 00:14:42,519
Our first question comes from Susannah
404
00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:44,039
or maybe Sus-on-nah.
405
00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:46,567
Mr. President, you're a rich
man with several homes.
406
00:14:46,568 --> 00:14:49,412
I'm about to lose my house,
and I fear losing my job.
407
00:14:49,413 --> 00:14:52,139
Why should we vote for you
if you can't possibly relate
408
00:14:52,140 --> 00:14:54,376
to the struggles of
common people like us?
409
00:14:54,377 --> 00:14:55,909
Sandwich.
410
00:14:55,910 --> 00:14:59,860
? ?
411
00:14:59,881 --> 00:15:01,508
? ?
412
00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:04,510
Trump Susannah, I feel like I know you,
413
00:15:04,511 --> 00:15:05,979
and everyone else in this room
414
00:15:05,980 --> 00:15:08,520
who is in danger of
losing their livelihood.
415
00:15:08,528 --> 00:15:11,557
I could lose my job in a few days, too.
416
00:15:11,558 --> 00:15:13,469
I feel your pain.
417
00:15:13,470 --> 00:15:14,768
[VOICE BREAKING]
Thank you, Mr. President.
418
00:15:14,770 --> 00:15:16,063
Thank you so much.
419
00:15:16,064 --> 00:15:17,440
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
420
00:15:17,441 --> 00:15:20,484
Did Mr. President Trump
just become Mr. President?
421
00:15:20,485 --> 00:15:22,677
? ?
422
00:15:22,678 --> 00:15:25,349
[BIDEN] Time to unveil
my exciting new message
423
00:15:25,350 --> 00:15:26,359
to the world.
424
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:27,369
You sure about this, honey?
425
00:15:27,370 --> 00:15:29,444
Those TikTok teens take
you to the cleaners
426
00:15:29,445 --> 00:15:31,319
every time you go on Facebook Live.
427
00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:34,699
Exactly. I need to dive
into the deep end!
428
00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:36,759
Hi, fam. It's me, Joe Biden.
429
00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:38,754
I want to thank you all
for sticking with me.
430
00:15:38,755 --> 00:15:40,679
Even when I went missing for three weeks
431
00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:43,007
and the campaign was
interviewing body doubles.
432
00:15:43,008 --> 00:15:45,593
The teens are cry-laughing,
it's the kiss of death!
433
00:15:45,594 --> 00:15:47,029
You ever been on a road trip
434
00:15:47,030 --> 00:15:49,129
with someone so long
that you get seatbelt-itch
435
00:15:49,130 --> 00:15:50,515
and run out of things to talk about?
436
00:15:50,516 --> 00:15:52,749
The quizzical faces are turning angry.
437
00:15:52,750 --> 00:15:53,759
Do something!
438
00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:56,219
What I'm saying is,
of course you all hate Trump,
439
00:15:56,220 --> 00:15:57,934
but I'm not sure you got the message
440
00:15:57,935 --> 00:15:59,359
to actually vote for me...
441
00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:00,999
so... vote Joe.
442
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:02,485
That's it. Vote Joe.
443
00:16:02,486 --> 00:16:04,904
- What faces are they using?!
- They love me!
444
00:16:04,905 --> 00:16:07,479
They're sending me li'l
pictures of their asses!
445
00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:08,489
? ?
446
00:16:08,490 --> 00:16:11,979
Let's hear it for your
second-term President!
447
00:16:11,980 --> 00:16:13,479
Thank you, thank you.
448
00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:15,279
It's so nice to see everyone.
449
00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:17,149
I couldn't have done it
without the selfless
450
00:16:17,150 --> 00:16:19,859
- and patient Mike Pence.
- Don't thank me.
451
00:16:19,860 --> 00:16:22,509
I'm but a vessel for our burly white god
452
00:16:22,510 --> 00:16:25,399
- and his shredded white son.
- Whatever, weirdo.
453
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:27,219
Another term means more stimulus checks
454
00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:29,119
for "dead people" going
straight into our pockets!
455
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:32,389
And we're putting pillories
back in courthouses!
456
00:16:32,390 --> 00:16:33,937
What enthusiasm!
457
00:16:33,938 --> 00:16:35,899
I can't wait to brainstorm with you all
458
00:16:35,900 --> 00:16:37,579
about my second-term proposal
459
00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:41,780
guaranteeing a living wage
for every average Trump.
460
00:16:41,788 --> 00:16:43,947
That's what he calls
average Americans now.
461
00:16:43,948 --> 00:16:46,152
I thought he called them
fugly crap-lickers.
462
00:16:46,153 --> 00:16:47,499
Breaking news at this hour,
463
00:16:47,500 --> 00:16:49,359
our NBC flash poll confirms
464
00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:52,379
a late surge of enthusiasm
among Biden supporters.
465
00:16:52,380 --> 00:16:54,497
It's all attributed to the
"Vote Joe" message
466
00:16:54,498 --> 00:16:56,189
that has taken the nation by storm.
467
00:16:56,190 --> 00:16:58,299
I love it and I'm definitely
going to do it.
468
00:16:58,300 --> 00:16:59,839
Not sure who this Joe guy is
469
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:01,779
or what he stands for,
but he's not Trump
470
00:17:01,780 --> 00:17:03,859
and that's a message I can get behind.
471
00:17:03,860 --> 00:17:05,259
Item as described.
472
00:17:05,260 --> 00:17:07,230
Experts are predicting record turnout
473
00:17:07,238 --> 00:17:08,968
on Tuesday for Democrats.
474
00:17:08,969 --> 00:17:10,507
Now that's what I'm talking about!
475
00:17:10,508 --> 00:17:11,977
Boom shakalaka.
476
00:17:11,978 --> 00:17:14,139
Joe, what's the matter?
You heard Lester.
477
00:17:14,140 --> 00:17:16,114
I'm glad the message is working.
478
00:17:16,115 --> 00:17:17,479
I want people in the polls.
479
00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:19,617
But do they even know
who this Joe guy is
480
00:17:19,618 --> 00:17:20,854
they're all excited about?
481
00:17:20,855 --> 00:17:22,589
Joe, you're overthinking it.
482
00:17:22,590 --> 00:17:25,999
This is the kind of real winning
message I was talking about!
483
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:27,079
If I'm such a winner,
484
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,224
how come I feel like Beto O'Rourke?
485
00:17:29,225 --> 00:17:30,899
You'll feel like a winner on Tuesday,
486
00:17:30,900 --> 00:17:32,059
and that's all that matters.
487
00:17:32,060 --> 00:17:34,059
? ?
488
00:17:34,060 --> 00:17:35,419
[MCENANY] Listen up,
489
00:17:35,420 --> 00:17:37,279
the President's got something to say
490
00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:38,379
and no matter how many times
491
00:17:38,380 --> 00:17:40,339
he says the words "northern aggressors,"
492
00:17:40,340 --> 00:17:42,060
you're gonna clap your hands and salute.
493
00:17:42,070 --> 00:17:44,577
Hey, everyone, thanks
for coming out today,
494
00:17:44,578 --> 00:17:46,463
hope everyone found parking okay.
495
00:17:46,464 --> 00:17:49,684
As average American Trumps
head to the polls on Tuesday,
496
00:17:49,685 --> 00:17:51,099
I just want you all to know
497
00:17:51,100 --> 00:17:54,179
that you've opened the
doors of my heart forever.
498
00:17:54,180 --> 00:17:57,399
After I win reelection,
my first plan is to sub in
499
00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:59,809
some of your brave new
voices into my cabinet.
500
00:17:59,810 --> 00:18:02,339
- Hang on, what?
- I'm thinking Trump Greta Thunberg
501
00:18:02,340 --> 00:18:03,779
as Energy Secretary.
502
00:18:03,780 --> 00:18:06,837
Oh! And maybe Trump Malala
leading Homeland Security,
503
00:18:06,838 --> 00:18:08,437
she's kind of a citizen of the world.
504
00:18:08,438 --> 00:18:10,739
Until then, I'm handing my Twitter over
505
00:18:10,740 --> 00:18:13,980
to Trump Ilhan Omar
to amplify her voice.
506
00:18:13,990 --> 00:18:15,819
Um, the president's voice box
507
00:18:15,820 --> 00:18:17,719
has been compromised
by the liberal elites,
508
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:19,369
and I will get to the bottom of this
509
00:18:19,370 --> 00:18:20,759
because I went to Harvard
510
00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:22,584
so I know how you sickos think.
511
00:18:22,585 --> 00:18:24,179
So long, my lovelies!
512
00:18:24,180 --> 00:18:26,169
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
513
00:18:26,170 --> 00:18:29,289
[JILL] Joe, honey, are you okay?
514
00:18:29,290 --> 00:18:30,299
Never been better!
515
00:18:30,300 --> 00:18:32,899
I figured out a message
that really represents me!
516
00:18:32,900 --> 00:18:34,727
It's Vote Joe 2.0!
517
00:18:34,728 --> 00:18:37,967
"Joe Loves Guessing
People's Races at Parties!"
518
00:18:37,968 --> 00:18:42,019
Joe, what's true isn't
always what's right.
519
00:18:42,020 --> 00:18:43,879
Ugh! I worked so hard on this.
520
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:45,207
It's the real me!
521
00:18:45,208 --> 00:18:47,234
But "Vote Joe" is the right message
522
00:18:47,235 --> 00:18:48,559
to get us to the White House.
523
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:50,107
I don't wanna get to the White House
524
00:18:50,108 --> 00:18:51,689
if nobody knows why I'm there!
525
00:18:51,690 --> 00:18:53,739
You were the one that told
me that in the first place!
526
00:18:53,740 --> 00:18:55,359
This is the real me!
527
00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:56,579
And if people don't like it,
528
00:18:56,580 --> 00:18:58,744
they don't have to vote for me!
529
00:18:58,745 --> 00:18:59,749
? ?
530
00:18:59,750 --> 00:19:01,538
[DON JR.] You're one of them now.
531
00:19:01,539 --> 00:19:04,289
You missed omelette o'clock this morning
532
00:19:04,290 --> 00:19:07,319
because you were too busy
caring about other people!
533
00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:09,349
Quit touching my hand
like some guy you paid
534
00:19:09,350 --> 00:19:11,259
- to walk me to school!
- You're angry.
535
00:19:11,260 --> 00:19:12,599
I empathize, Don.
536
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:14,897
You're almost making me
want to comfort him!
537
00:19:14,898 --> 00:19:16,389
You're playing with fire!
538
00:19:16,390 --> 00:19:19,037
All we wanted you to do
was to not be a loser
539
00:19:19,038 --> 00:19:20,449
and stay President,
540
00:19:20,450 --> 00:19:23,099
but you fell into a huge pity trap.
541
00:19:23,100 --> 00:19:24,477
You're listening to voters,
542
00:19:24,478 --> 00:19:26,522
and you're not listening to yourself.
543
00:19:26,523 --> 00:19:28,399
But the polls show it's working!
544
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,399
A better man makes a worse father.
545
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:33,404
You may win the election,
but you've lost our vote.
546
00:19:33,405 --> 00:19:34,817
[CRIES]
547
00:19:34,818 --> 00:19:37,287
Don, I hate hurting you!
548
00:19:37,288 --> 00:19:38,479
What's happening?
549
00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:41,036
Who put these tears on my face?!
550
00:19:41,037 --> 00:19:45,867
[SOBBING]
551
00:19:45,868 --> 00:19:48,329
[KING] A family ripped apart...
552
00:19:48,330 --> 00:19:51,459
I'm Gayle King and if CBS makes
me interview R. Kelly again,
553
00:19:51,460 --> 00:19:53,437
they contractually have
to give me Nickelodeon.
554
00:19:53,438 --> 00:19:55,207
Welcome back to my exclusive sit-down
555
00:19:55,208 --> 00:19:56,959
with Eric and Donald Trump Jr.
556
00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:58,408
Boys, how did we get here?
557
00:19:58,409 --> 00:20:00,779
He said he'd be President,
558
00:20:00,780 --> 00:20:02,299
but, but, but...
559
00:20:02,300 --> 00:20:03,809
- And who is "he"?
- Dad.
560
00:20:03,810 --> 00:20:05,647
Well, he used to be our dad.
561
00:20:05,648 --> 00:20:07,759
Now he's just some loser
who tucks me in at night
562
00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:10,539
and tells me, no matter what,
I'll always be his son.
563
00:20:10,540 --> 00:20:13,528
So what does your relationship
look like with your father now?
564
00:20:13,529 --> 00:20:15,099
Stop calling him that!
565
00:20:15,100 --> 00:20:17,757
Gayle, I'm here to announce
that I've filed paperwork
566
00:20:17,758 --> 00:20:20,467
to make Brett Kavanaugh our new dad.
567
00:20:20,468 --> 00:20:21,967
Was this legally necessary?
568
00:20:21,968 --> 00:20:24,059
Your guess is as good as mine. [BELCHES]
569
00:20:24,060 --> 00:20:26,439
Brett Kavanaugh is an actual winner
570
00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:30,620
and never lets his religious
convictions, work, or integrity
571
00:20:30,630 --> 00:20:33,380
get in the way of his
boundaryless desires.
572
00:20:33,381 --> 00:20:36,277
I'm amped. I always wanted
sons to hold my legs up
573
00:20:36,278 --> 00:20:38,051
during lunchtime keg stands.
574
00:20:38,052 --> 00:20:39,762
Daddy's home!
575
00:20:39,763 --> 00:20:41,939
I understand their pain,
576
00:20:41,940 --> 00:20:43,725
and I frickin' hate it!
577
00:20:44,858 --> 00:20:46,769
[HARRIS] Joe, is this
a resignation letter?
578
00:20:46,770 --> 00:20:48,627
You're an integral part of this team,
579
00:20:48,628 --> 00:20:50,439
and I've decided to promote you.
580
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:52,619
You're hereby the Democratic nominee
581
00:20:52,620 --> 00:20:54,579
for President of the United States.
582
00:20:54,580 --> 00:20:57,239
I made a commitment to
be your Vice President
583
00:20:57,240 --> 00:21:00,990
until you inevitably follow a
loose balloon into traffic.
584
00:21:00,992 --> 00:21:03,977
No time to waste! Here's all the
oppo research on Donald Trump.
585
00:21:03,978 --> 00:21:06,407
If you dig around, you'll find
some pretty nasty stuff
586
00:21:06,408 --> 00:21:08,044
about his thoughts on non-whites.
587
00:21:08,045 --> 00:21:10,479
Joe, can't you see you're
the perfect candidate?
588
00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:13,295
But no one knows what
I stand for or who I am!
589
00:21:13,296 --> 00:21:16,199
Exactly! Your four decades
of contradictions
590
00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:17,829
means everyone in America
591
00:21:17,830 --> 00:21:20,387
has agreed with one of your
positions at some point.
592
00:21:20,388 --> 00:21:22,471
You can't be pegged down as one thing.
593
00:21:22,472 --> 00:21:24,824
You're right. I'm not one single thing!
594
00:21:24,825 --> 00:21:26,299
But that means, I'm nothing.
595
00:21:26,300 --> 00:21:29,978
You just have to make believing
in nothing something!
596
00:21:29,979 --> 00:21:32,837
? ?
597
00:21:32,838 --> 00:21:34,691
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] Oh, Hairless Santa,
598
00:21:34,692 --> 00:21:37,099
it was unforgivable when
Obama removed you
599
00:21:37,100 --> 00:21:38,337
from the Oval Office.
600
00:21:38,338 --> 00:21:40,037
You're coming with me.
601
00:21:40,038 --> 00:21:42,577
Coach K is blowing the
whistle on this adoption.
602
00:21:42,578 --> 00:21:44,409
Your boys need you, Trump.
603
00:21:44,410 --> 00:21:46,559
Give me a break. They hang
on every slurred word
604
00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:49,122
coming out of your thin,
ever-quivering lips.
605
00:21:49,123 --> 00:21:50,639
Okay. I need you.
606
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:53,350
I can't look after those
misbehaved little shits
607
00:21:53,358 --> 00:21:55,839
while also working
full-time to ban women
608
00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:58,279
from playing soccer in
maxipad commercials!
609
00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:00,199
I have been drunk since seven a.m.
610
00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:02,727
That's a full hour earlier than usual!
611
00:22:02,728 --> 00:22:04,959
But I'm too much of a
selfless loser for them
612
00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:06,598
to ever embrace me again.
613
00:22:06,599 --> 00:22:08,437
You need selfishness training?
614
00:22:08,438 --> 00:22:10,853
Well. I'm your shitbag sensei.
615
00:22:10,854 --> 00:22:14,059
? ?
616
00:22:14,060 --> 00:22:16,439
_
617
00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:18,679
[HORNS HONKING]
618
00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:21,359
? ?
619
00:22:21,360 --> 00:22:22,799
[BOTH TAPPING ON GLASS]
620
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:25,940
_
621
00:22:25,950 --> 00:22:29,939
? ?
622
00:22:29,940 --> 00:22:31,419
Hi, America! I'm Chuck Todd.
623
00:22:31,420 --> 00:22:32,988
And I haven't slept in weeks
because the election
624
00:22:32,990 --> 00:22:33,999
is only hours away...
625
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:35,779
Holy shit, my heart's
going friggin' nuts.
626
00:22:35,780 --> 00:22:37,169
The candidates are about
give their closing arguments.
627
00:22:37,170 --> 00:22:38,839
I am so aroused right now.
628
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:40,239
[LAUGHS]
629
00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:41,929
And I'm so tired.
630
00:22:41,930 --> 00:22:43,099
But I'm so jazzed!
631
00:22:43,100 --> 00:22:44,719
But so tired.
632
00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:48,339
[CRIES]
633
00:22:48,340 --> 00:22:49,579
[CROWD CHEERS]
634
00:22:49,580 --> 00:22:50,979
[DON JR.] Why did you make us come
635
00:22:50,980 --> 00:22:53,937
to our ex-stepdad's stupid speech?
636
00:22:53,938 --> 00:22:55,677
Just shut up and listen to it
637
00:22:55,678 --> 00:22:57,618
and I'll buy you each a toy afterwards.
638
00:22:57,619 --> 00:22:59,579
Oh, goddamn right you will.
639
00:22:59,580 --> 00:23:00,694
And candy maybe.
640
00:23:00,695 --> 00:23:02,769
My fellow Americans...
641
00:23:02,770 --> 00:23:04,160
? ?
642
00:23:04,170 --> 00:23:08,036
Oh, no, don't let this happen now.
643
00:23:08,050 --> 00:23:09,260
He's about to blow chunks!
644
00:23:09,270 --> 00:23:12,414
I knew we shouldn't have
sat in the splash zone!
645
00:23:12,415 --> 00:23:15,459
I'm Joe Biden, and I want you all to...
646
00:23:15,460 --> 00:23:16,799
- Vote Joe!
- Vote Joe!
647
00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:17,961
Just say it!
648
00:23:17,962 --> 00:23:19,881
"I'm nothing... I'm nothing... "
649
00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:23,740
I'm asking each and every
one of you to vote...
650
00:23:23,748 --> 00:23:24,830
for nothing.
651
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:26,960
What?
652
00:23:27,764 --> 00:23:29,339
[CROWD CHEERING]
653
00:23:29,340 --> 00:23:32,639
Alright, Fred Trump, don't fail me now.
654
00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:33,810
The toaster!
655
00:23:33,818 --> 00:23:35,062
He's doing it!
656
00:23:35,063 --> 00:23:36,438
[GASPS]
657
00:23:36,439 --> 00:23:39,127
Say "Vote Joe" right now,
658
00:23:39,128 --> 00:23:41,727
or I'm leaving you for Joaquin Castro!
659
00:23:41,728 --> 00:23:43,627
Have you seen his six-pack, Joe?
660
00:23:43,628 --> 00:23:44,821
She will not be back.
661
00:23:44,822 --> 00:23:46,657
Relax, I got this.
662
00:23:46,658 --> 00:23:49,197
You heard me, folks.
I said "Vote for Nothing."
663
00:23:49,198 --> 00:23:51,437
In the year 2020, too much happened.
664
00:23:51,438 --> 00:23:52,709
It's always this or that.
665
00:23:52,710 --> 00:23:55,659
There's a bunch of rabid
vermin in America's attic.
666
00:23:55,660 --> 00:23:58,794
Wouldn't you rather have
nothing in our attic for awhile?
667
00:23:58,795 --> 00:24:01,838
No baby cages, no race
wars, no pandemics?
668
00:24:01,839 --> 00:24:05,787
I stand before you as a man
with nothing going on upstairs.
669
00:24:05,788 --> 00:24:08,149
And for the first time
in modern history,
670
00:24:08,150 --> 00:24:09,709
nothing is something.
671
00:24:09,710 --> 00:24:12,959
[ALL] Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!
672
00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:15,719
- He did it!
- Sorry, Joaquin, wrong number.
673
00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:17,521
I meant to call Joe.
674
00:24:17,522 --> 00:24:19,389
? ?
675
00:24:19,390 --> 00:24:21,439
You can do it, Dad!
676
00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:23,568
Grill your hands, Dad!
677
00:24:23,569 --> 00:24:25,179
You always knew this election
678
00:24:25,180 --> 00:24:27,319
would come down to you and a toaster.
679
00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:28,741
Time to bring it home.
680
00:24:28,742 --> 00:24:30,243
? ?
681
00:24:30,980 --> 00:24:31,989
Aah! Aah!
682
00:24:31,990 --> 00:24:37,120
[SCREAMING]
683
00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:42,819
I'm the only Donald Trump?
684
00:24:42,820 --> 00:24:45,619
I am the only Donald Trump!
685
00:24:45,620 --> 00:24:47,669
And I listened to what
you all had to say
686
00:24:47,670 --> 00:24:49,019
on the campaign trail.
687
00:24:49,020 --> 00:24:51,527
You're scared that you won't be
able to put food on the table
688
00:24:51,528 --> 00:24:53,209
for your greedy, fat families.
689
00:24:53,210 --> 00:24:55,419
Worried sick that your insulin addiction
690
00:24:55,420 --> 00:24:56,919
will send you to the poorhouse.
691
00:24:56,920 --> 00:24:58,599
I heard you and I don't care.
692
00:24:58,600 --> 00:24:59,799
I will never care.
693
00:24:59,800 --> 00:25:01,819
The only thing I care about is me.
694
00:25:01,820 --> 00:25:04,837
So if you care about me
more than your loser family
695
00:25:04,838 --> 00:25:06,747
or the even bigger loser troops,
696
00:25:06,748 --> 00:25:09,614
vote for me, the only Donald Trump.
697
00:25:09,615 --> 00:25:11,029
Dad! You're back!
698
00:25:11,030 --> 00:25:13,817
Twist my titties so I know it's real!
699
00:25:13,818 --> 00:25:16,047
It's just like Christmas morning!
700
00:25:16,048 --> 00:25:17,739
Except Dad is here!
701
00:25:17,740 --> 00:25:20,543
[CROWD CHEERS]
702
00:25:21,250 --> 00:25:23,375
[BIDEN] What an adrenaline rush!
703
00:25:23,376 --> 00:25:25,499
I never actually said
anything I believed before
704
00:25:25,500 --> 00:25:28,300
without having to immediately
confiscate the footage.
705
00:25:28,301 --> 00:25:30,429
I never lost faith in you, Joe.
706
00:25:30,430 --> 00:25:32,379
Well, maybe I lost it a little
707
00:25:32,380 --> 00:25:35,474
in between you saying "I'm
running for" and "President."
708
00:25:35,475 --> 00:25:37,919
Hey, Jill, think we could
bake Jackie into a pie
709
00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:39,599
without her finding out about it?
710
00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:41,599
It means a lot to me that you skipped
711
00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:43,477
that children's hospital
visit to be here.
712
00:25:43,478 --> 00:25:46,234
They aren't going anywhere anytime soon.
713
00:25:46,235 --> 00:25:48,217
If the last two days
have taught me anything,
714
00:25:48,218 --> 00:25:50,487
it's that you can't
neglect the relationships
715
00:25:50,488 --> 00:25:51,849
you hold most dear.
716
00:25:51,850 --> 00:25:53,399
Bedminster, Mar-a-Lago,
717
00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:56,039
and even Trump National
right here in Virginia.
718
00:25:56,040 --> 00:25:59,039
I haven't spent time on
these fairways in days.
719
00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:02,139
I'm so glad to have you
back, President Dad.
720
00:26:02,140 --> 00:26:03,374
Now get the hell outta here,
721
00:26:03,375 --> 00:26:05,599
I'm meeting my friends,
Jim Jordan, Erdogan,
722
00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:07,922
and Frank Stallone,
for a quick 36 holes.
723
00:26:07,923 --> 00:26:09,139
It's Election Day Eve,
724
00:26:09,140 --> 00:26:10,699
and Americans will finally decide
725
00:26:10,700 --> 00:26:12,619
whether Joe Biden ascends
to the White House,
726
00:26:12,620 --> 00:26:15,307
or Donald Trump beats a
referendum on his first term.
727
00:26:15,308 --> 00:26:17,239
Goodnight, and go vote.
728
00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:18,439
Are we off the air?
729
00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:20,519
I hate that I can only say "go vote."
730
00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:21,579
Biden has his problems,
731
00:26:21,580 --> 00:26:23,317
but you'd have to be a
fucking idiot to vote for...
732
00:26:23,318 --> 00:26:26,680
? Donald Trump is the president ?
733
00:26:26,700 --> 00:26:30,349
? Donald Trump is the president ?
734
00:26:30,350 --> 00:26:32,949
? Is Donald Trump the president? ?
735
00:26:32,950 --> 00:26:34,379
? Yes, he is ?
736
00:26:34,380 --> 00:26:37,577
? Yes, he is, we elected him president ?
737
00:26:37,578 --> 00:26:40,179
? Is Donald Trump the president? ?
738
00:26:40,180 --> 00:26:41,189
? Yes, he is ?
739
00:26:41,190 --> 00:26:44,739
? We had a vote and
elected him president ?
740
00:26:44,740 --> 00:26:50,133
? Donald Trump is the president ?
741
00:26:51,870 --> 00:26:53,430
? Donald Trump ?
742
00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:57,017
? He is our president ?
743
00:26:57,018 --> 00:27:00,509
? We made him president ?
744
00:27:00,510 --> 00:27:02,540
? We did it ?
745
00:27:02,550 --> 00:27:06,429
? Donald Trump is the president ?
746
00:27:06,430 --> 00:27:09,985
? We elected Donald Trump ?
747
00:27:09,986 --> 00:27:13,266
? Donald Trump is the president ?
748
00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:16,979
? Donald Trump is the president ?
749
00:27:16,980 --> 00:27:20,477
? Yeah ?
750
00:27:20,478 --> 00:27:21,640
Trump!
751
00:27:21,690 --> 00:27:26,240
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