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1
00:00:02,480 --> 00:00:06,240
This programme
contains strong language
2
00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:12,280
THEY GIGGLE
3
00:00:15,200 --> 00:00:18,320
Hi, stallion.
4
00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:21,280
What the fuck?
5
00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:24,240
That's him, isn't it?
Aye, that's him.
6
00:00:24,240 --> 00:00:25,640
Whip it out, then!
7
00:00:29,680 --> 00:00:31,560
Shit.
8
00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:32,960
Can everyone see it?
9
00:00:34,480 --> 00:00:36,160
THEY LAUGH
10
00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:37,840
Ooh.
11
00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:40,280
Big Dick Mick!
BOTH: Big Dick Mick!
12
00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:42,800
Big Dick Mick!
Lads, what are yous on about?
13
00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:44,640
Rachael told everyone
you've got a big dick.
14
00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:46,880
EVERYONE is talking about it!
What?
15
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:49,080
Apparently, she tried to
suck you off in the car park,
16
00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:50,920
but she couldn't fit it
in her mouth!
17
00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:53,840
This is brilliant news!
I'm so excited for us.
18
00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:56,880
Us? Every group's gotta have a lad
with a big dick in it.
19
00:00:56,880 --> 00:00:58,760
Gives us prestige.
20
00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:02,120
Absolutely not.
I don't want to see it or anything!
21
00:01:02,120 --> 00:01:04,080
We just need an estimate. Mm-hm.
22
00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:05,720
I'll measure it
through your trousers.
23
00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:08,080
Be sure to get the girth as well.
That's just as important.
24
00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:09,920
No way. Tommy! Jesus Christ, lads.
25
00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:11,800
We need to know
what we're working with here!
26
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:13,960
I measure mine
two or three times a week.
27
00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:16,200
I was wondering what you nicked
that microscope for.
28
00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:18,680
And here, Mick,
wash the tape measure after,
29
00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:21,040
my ma needs it back. You get
your ma to measure your dick?!
30
00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:23,080
Oh, piss off, would ya?
Rachael?
31
00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:25,480
Rachael? What's wrong with her?
32
00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:27,560
I can't believe you'd spread lies
like that, Mick.
33
00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:31,240
That's fucked-up! What?
I didn't do anything. Who did, then?
34
00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:33,560
Everyone's saying she gave you
a blowjob in the car park.
35
00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:35,720
She's in bits.
She'd never do that.
36
00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:36,960
COUGHING: You would.
37
00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:38,600
What did you say? Oh, nothing.
38
00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:40,600
You never messaged me
after the other night,
39
00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:43,520
so you can go fuck yourself
with your wee squirrel prick.
40
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:45,000
That's from me.
41
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:46,840
And that's from Rachael.
42
00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:53,000
You really messed it up with
the ladies, there, lads.
43
00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:55,000
Niamh would never shout at me
at school.
44
00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:57,520
That's because she doesn't go
to this school. Or exist.
45
00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:00,640
Did she really suck you off?
46
00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:03,080
Aye, I can't believe you
kept that quiet!
47
00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:04,960
I was only round
the corner for a few minutes.
48
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:06,840
She must have been goin' like
Henry the Hoover
49
00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:09,600
to get you off that quickly.
No! Of course not.
50
00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:10,880
Fuck sake.
51
00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:13,680
How'd that even get about?
52
00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:15,680
You know how these things
get out of hand.
53
00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:18,360
Let's see.
Rachael definitely told Siobhan.
54
00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:20,400
You know, women tell each other
everything.
55
00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:22,280
And Siobhan must have told
Fionnuala
56
00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:23,880
cos they made a pact
in primary school
57
00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:25,200
to tell each other everything,
58
00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:27,080
you know, cross their hearts,
hope to die.
59
00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:29,960
And then Fionnuala and her brother
Jack, they're weirdly close.
60
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:32,440
It's actually kind of creepy,
so she must have told him!
61
00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:35,560
And then he told Dermo, cos they've
got hurling together on Sundays...
62
00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:37,880
WHISTLE BLARES
Hey, you two,
63
00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:39,800
get over here, you two shites!
64
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:43,160
..then Dermo told my cousin Cahill,
who phoned me,
65
00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:44,560
and here we are.
66
00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:47,280
Somewhere in all of that,
it must have gotten muddled up.
67
00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:51,080
So Rachael started it by telling
Siobhan?
68
00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:54,080
It's all her fault?
69
00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:56,880
It's not a bad rumour to be
going around, to be fair.
70
00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:01,600
Where are you going?
The bogs.
71
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:04,000
Don't let it fall in the urinal!
72
00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:14,040
Watch where you're going. I know.
Some people these days.
73
00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:15,920
Honestly. Come on.
74
00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:23,000
CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
75
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:39,840
CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
76
00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:44,040
That's not on silent, you wab!
THEY LAUGH
77
00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:45,880
What are yous doing?
All right, wee man.
78
00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:48,880
Just, er, confirming the news.
You're stinking!
79
00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:51,320
Whoa. Whoa.
Bet it's not as big as mine, though.
80
00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:52,560
Go on, helicopter it for me.
81
00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:58,160
Get his trousers down.
THEY LAUGH
82
00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:00,320
Whoa! Fuck, Mick.
83
00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:02,680
Come on, Big Dick Mick.
It's only a wee joke.
84
00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:04,600
Come on, whip it out.
85
00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:23,600
Rachael. Piss off, Mick!
86
00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:26,080
Did you just go around telling
half the school or what? What?!
87
00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:28,720
All these rumours are flying around.
It's nothing to do with me!
88
00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:31,720
You told Siobhan! No, I just told...
89
00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:34,360
I just told her what happened.
I didn't make anything up!
90
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:36,440
Siobhan can't keep her mouth shut
about anything.
91
00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:38,280
She's my best friend! Yeah?
92
00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:40,200
Well, now she's gone and told some
pudding girl
93
00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:41,680
who loves her brother or something,
94
00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:44,720
and now everyone's talking about my
dick! Who gives a shit about that?!
95
00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:46,520
People are saying
I gave you a blowjob!
96
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,320
DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS
97
00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:53,880
They all think I'm some stupid
tramp, thanks to you.
98
00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:55,840
I didn't say anything!
99
00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:58,440
Mick, the number of guys who
asked me to the cinema today,
100
00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:02,280
while their mates stood behind them
making blowjob noises...
101
00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:03,600
It's humiliating!
102
00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:09,200
Look, I don't know how the rumour
started, and I'm sorry,
103
00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:10,520
but it wasn't me, OK?
104
00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:13,120
I wouldn't do that.
105
00:05:14,840 --> 00:05:16,960
I'll try to put it straight, OK?
106
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:20,040
Yoooo, big lad!
THEY LAUGH
107
00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:22,760
Oh, hey. Don't go sucking him off
in the corridor, now.
108
00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:25,520
Dirty, wee slut.
HE LAUGHS
109
00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:32,320
That's setting it straight, is it?
110
00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:34,400
Do you know what? Fuck you, Mick.
111
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:36,720
Even if you didn't start
all of this, you're loving it.
112
00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:39,280
You're a legend
and I'm just a dirty, wee slut!
113
00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:44,400
Hope your massive dick gets
penis cancer and falls off.
114
00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:58,400
Michael! What?
I got you that razor you were after.
115
00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:09,160
An electric one? Uh-huh. Man at the
shop said this one was very popular.
116
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:10,760
And you don't have to learn
how to...
117
00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:12,200
You think I don't know how to shave?
118
00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:14,840
No, I just thought
this would be handy.
119
00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:16,440
Do you think I'm an idiot?
120
00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:18,960
Do you think I'm a fucking child?!
Michael. What?!
121
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:22,440
Don't you dare speak to me
like that! Why not? I hate you!
122
00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:24,440
You don't even know what you're
doing, do you?!
123
00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:28,160
No, I don't, but I'm trying
my very best.
124
00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:29,480
Michael.
125
00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:32,160
Michael, don't you dare walk away
from me when I'm speaking to you!
126
00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:34,240
Where do you think you're going?
Out!
127
00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:36,560
Michael Campbell, you get back here
right now!
128
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:48,880
Mick! Come here, Mick.
129
00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:51,920
Piss off. What's all this about you
and that wee girl?
130
00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:55,320
Nothing. Well, there's rumours
going round that she...
131
00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:58,600
You know what they're saying?
Yeah, I know, I don't care.
132
00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:00,400
Well, she might care!
133
00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:03,240
Starting rumours like that
doesn't make you the big man,
134
00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:05,800
it makes you a prick.
I didn't start anything.
135
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:08,160
Look, if you want a girl
to like you, Mick,
136
00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:09,640
you have to treat her right.
137
00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:11,320
Nobody's going to want to go out
with you
138
00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:13,080
if you're starting rumours
like that.
139
00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:14,160
Everything all right?
140
00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:17,640
Who gives a shit about the rumours?!
It's stupid school bullshit!
141
00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:19,880
Yeah, you're THAT Mick.
142
00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:21,560
You're Big Dick Mick! Danny!
143
00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:26,040
Where are you going?
Just leave me alone.
144
00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:27,200
Thank you.
145
00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:32,120
Come on.
146
00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:33,680
Bye, Big Dick Mick!
147
00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:42,800
♪ You've got those sad eyes
148
00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:45,720
♪ Something's on your mind
149
00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:51,480
♪ You've got those sad eyes again
150
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:58,040
♪ Sometimes we're lonely
151
00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:01,280
♪ Alone with all our thoughts
152
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:08,240
♪ I think it never will change
153
00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:17,280
♪ But you don't have to
say anything now
154
00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:22,800
♪ You don't have to talk
155
00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:28,800
♪ But if you want help... ♪
156
00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:31,440
Rachael.
I'm still not speaking to you.
157
00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:36,120
OK.
158
00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:46,680
So you're just not going to say
anything, then?
159
00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:49,720
What? I thought you just said...
Doesn't matter.
160
00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:03,280
Look, Rachael, I'm sorry
about earlier.
161
00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:06,320
It really wasn't me
who spread the rumour.
162
00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:08,480
But people shouldn't be saying
that shit about you.
163
00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:14,080
It's just Diesel and Wee Spud,
they...
164
00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:16,800
They got me
in the toilets earlier and...
165
00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:19,160
..I just didn't want them
starting something again.
166
00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:23,560
Anyway, it doesn't matter.
167
00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:28,360
I still should have stood up for
you, and I'm sorry.
168
00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:32,800
Thanks.
169
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:36,040
You were right anyway.
170
00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:38,800
Siobhan is a bit of a gossip, like.
171
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:40,960
But she's my mate, you know?
172
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:42,240
Yeah.
173
00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:46,000
So...where you headed?
174
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,160
Nowhere.
175
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:52,560
Just needed to get out of the house
for a while.
176
00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:58,040
Come on. Let's get off here.
177
00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:15,960
I used to go for walks here
with my family when I was younger.
178
00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:20,360
But now me and Siobhan just come
here to drink at the weekends.
179
00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:23,040
Oh, yeah? That's cool.
180
00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:26,920
I just drink in the house, like.
181
00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:29,560
Jesus, my ma would go nuts
if I drank in front of her.
182
00:10:29,560 --> 00:10:33,040
Oh, God, no, not in front of her.
She'd go mental.
183
00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:35,000
No, just when she's out.
184
00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:40,160
Yeah, I actually got caught
a couple of weeks ago.
185
00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:41,920
No way!
186
00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:43,400
What happened?
187
00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:47,240
So I was coming back from here,
188
00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:49,640
and we'd only had, like, half a
bottle of vodka between us,
189
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,800
so I thought I was OK.
190
00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:54,760
But then I get home
and my parents are still up.
191
00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:55,880
Oh, shit.
192
00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:57,960
Yeah, and then my auntie and uncle
were round,
193
00:10:57,960 --> 00:10:59,720
and they're mad for board games,
right?
194
00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:02,440
So they make me play Articulate
with them.
195
00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:03,920
So I'm, like, trying to act sober,
196
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:05,720
and I keep stumbling over my words,
197
00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:08,160
and I can barely read
what's on the card.
198
00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:10,600
I don't think I've ever
been as stressed in my life.
199
00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:13,320
And turns out my ma knew I was drunk
and was just doing it to punish me.
200
00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:14,760
HE LAUGHS
201
00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:18,680
That's genius, to be fair. Yeah.
202
00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:22,240
We didn't speak for a few days
after that.
203
00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:23,640
A few days!
204
00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:26,640
Nah, it's all right, me and mum
are always fighting.
205
00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:32,200
I just had a big fight with my mum.
206
00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:36,800
I've never really fought with her
before.
207
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:39,480
Really? Never?
208
00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:40,680
Not properly.
209
00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:44,160
Like, she's on her own
210
00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:47,000
and she's so busy with work
and the three of us.
211
00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:51,600
I don't want to upset her.
212
00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:11,520
Thanks for bringing me here.
213
00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:13,760
It's nice. Yeah.
214
00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:15,160
I like it.
215
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:21,440
And I mean, it's nice just to chat,
you know?
216
00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:24,520
I was all nervous in the cinema.
Me too.
217
00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:26,440
And Mick, see
all the rumour stuff...
218
00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:29,160
We don't have to talk about it.
But just, you know,
219
00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:30,920
I've never done any of that stuff
before
220
00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:33,760
and I don't want you to think...
No, yeah.
221
00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:36,200
Me neither. It's cool.
222
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:47,040
Right.
223
00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:05,760
I should probably get home.
224
00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:06,800
Yeah.
225
00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:15,280
And you should probably
talk to your mum.
226
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:18,360
I know it's hard, like,
227
00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:20,880
but it always makes me feel better
when I talk to mine.
228
00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:28,600
OK. See ya.
229
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:35,400
MUSIC: Northern Wind
-by Cat Stevens/
-Yusuf
230
00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:42,720
♪ There is a wind, my Billy
And it's awful strong
231
00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:49,160
♪ Come for you
and anyone who's helped you along
232
00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:56,440
♪ But I want to live, live, live
And let the stars shine bright
233
00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:04,000
♪ Yes, I want to live, live, live
And let it on all right
234
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:11,200
♪ And when that bird sings
from over that silver wall
235
00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:18,040
♪ I don't want to fight it, Billy
Cos I want to go. ♪
236
00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:20,920
TELEVISION PLAYS
237
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:39,920
Sorry for earlier, Mum.
238
00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:47,680
Is everything all right?
239
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:51,000
Is it about that wee girl
you met at the cinema?
240
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:52,520
What?
241
00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:55,120
Lucy told me. She's so annoying.
242
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:57,320
Why doesn't she just mind
her own business?
243
00:14:57,320 --> 00:14:58,960
Hey, just because it didn't go well
244
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:01,800
doesn't mean it's not going to
work out.
245
00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:04,120
Sure, when I first met your dad,
he was having a party
246
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:05,520
and I didn't think I was going to go
247
00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:07,560
because I thought
he was an absolute loser.
248
00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:11,400
What, you think I'm a loser?
No, no.
249
00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:13,160
No.
250
00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:14,840
That's cos you take after me.
251
00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:18,600
Well...
252
00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:22,120
As long as you're OK. I am.
253
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:26,600
I'm sorry. I don't hate you.
254
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:29,240
I should bloody hope not.
255
00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:31,000
I'm sorry for saying that.
256
00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:34,520
Dad always said to never use
the word hate.
257
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:39,280
Unless I was talking about
Margaret Thatcher.
258
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:42,280
Comparing me to Maggie Thatcher?
Jesus!
259
00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:46,200
I tell you,
260
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:49,240
you never would have
shouted at him like that.
261
00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:51,480
Well, I did once.
262
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:53,440
What?
263
00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:55,920
Yeah.
264
00:15:57,400 --> 00:16:00,240
He was using an electric razor
at the kitchen table,
265
00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:03,360
and I was obsessed
with the shaving foam,
266
00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:06,840
so I'm like, "Ahh, there's no foam".
267
00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:10,960
So I asked, "Was it a better shave?"
and he said it wasn't.
268
00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:15,520
I was really confused and was like,
269
00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:17,520
"Why are you using it
if it's not better?"
270
00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:19,680
And he wouldn't say.
271
00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:22,040
I got really mad at him
cos he'd stopped using the foam
272
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:24,400
and he wouldn't tell me why.
273
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:27,920
I just kept shouting at him
and calling him stupid,
274
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:30,080
and he just sat there with his head
against the wall,
275
00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:32,280
just letting me shout at him.
276
00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:35,200
Michael, his...
His hands were too unsteady to...
277
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:36,680
Yeah, I know now, like.
278
00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:55,880
I think I need to go to the doctor.
279
00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:59,160
Why? What's wrong with you?
280
00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:01,480
I have a swelling on my testicle.
281
00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:03,960
A swelling? Is it sore?
282
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:07,360
No. No, it's just...
283
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:10,920
It's the left one. It's...
284
00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:12,120
..bigger.
285
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:15,520
Right. Look, it's OK.
286
00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:18,000
Right, it's probably nothing.
We're going to get it sorted.
287
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:21,040
It's all going to be fine,
Michael, OK?
288
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,440
It's all going to be fine.
289
00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:26,160
SHE COUGHS
290
00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:33,120
What if the doctor's a really hot
woman, and she's touching my balls?
291
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,680
I'll definitely pop a root.
292
00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:39,280
Or what if it's a creepy auld man
and I still get a boner?!
293
00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:40,800
Please. Please, God.
294
00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:42,400
Please don't give me an erection.
295
00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:46,480
DOOR OPENS
296
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:48,880
Michael Campbell?
Shite.
297
00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:54,400
No, Mum, I'll go myself.
298
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:58,080
Are you sure?
I'll not look or anything.
299
00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:00,520
I'll be grand, Mum. OK.
300
00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:02,480
Well, um, I'll be out here.
301
00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:14,520
If you just want to take a seat
there, the doctor will be in soon.
302
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:17,080
You're not the doctor?
No, I'm a student.
303
00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:19,400
I'm sort of going around
lots of doctors today.
304
00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:21,240
Thank God.
305
00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:25,160
What was that? Oh, good,
that's good.
306
00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:26,480
Right.
307
00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:34,360
Michael, is it? Yeah.
308
00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:36,160
I'm Dr Gibbon.
309
00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:39,600
Right, why don't you tell me
what the problem is?
310
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:41,520
Er... Well, I think...
311
00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:45,240
I think I have... Well, I know,
I know I have...
312
00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:49,080
Take your time. I have a...swelling.
A swelling? OK.
313
00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:51,600
And where is it? On my testicle.
314
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:52,880
Right.
315
00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:55,320
Well, there's nothing to be getting
worried about just yet.
316
00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:57,680
There's plenty of things
it could be.
317
00:18:57,680 --> 00:18:59,200
Er, why don't we have a look?
318
00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:01,600
See if you just pop yourself up
there, Michael
319
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:05,080
and you can get yourself sorted,
and then we'll see what we can feel.
320
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,560
Right.
321
00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:28,320
I can, um, see the swelling there.
322
00:19:28,320 --> 00:19:31,920
Obviously, before
I've even touched it.
323
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:33,760
Right, er, do you mind if I...?
324
00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:42,520
Feel the weight of that!
325
00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:46,000
You've been carrying that around
with you?
326
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:48,200
Gosh.
327
00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:52,320
Right.
328
00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:54,720
Here, we have some medical
students in here today,
329
00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:57,360
do you mind if I get them
in here just to have a wee look?
330
00:19:57,360 --> 00:20:02,200
No! Just say no. Just say no!
331
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:04,600
So, if you all look here
332
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:07,640
and notice the swelling has actually
stretched
333
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,440
the, er, the skin of the scrotum
quite extensively,
334
00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:13,400
I'll just go in
and feel the epididymis.
335
00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:16,160
Jumping in the sea in Donegal.
336
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:19,480
Jumping in the freezing cold
Atlantic Ocean in Donegal.
337
00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:23,120
The absolutely Baltic, freezing
cold ocean covering my balls.
338
00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:29,840
Shite! Not that cold.
339
00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:32,840
Warm. Warm. Warm thoughts!
340
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:35,760
DISTANT: Although generally
speaking, there's only so much...
341
00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:51,640
OK, Mrs Campbell,
so, erm, there is a swelling there.
342
00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:53,360
It's, er, quite a large one.
343
00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:55,600
But it's nothing to worry about,
right?
344
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:57,800
Well, it could be a million
different things.
345
00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,360
Like what?
346
00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:01,640
What we'll do is, we'll book him
in for an ultrasound
347
00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:05,080
as soon as possible, and we'll know
where to go from there, OK?
348
00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:08,840
You...can't give us
any kind of indication or anything?
349
00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:11,440
I'm afraid we won't know
until they do the tests.
350
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:13,840
Bloody tests, never get
a straight answer out of you.
351
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:16,480
It's always the way, isn't it?
Look, it's nothing to panic about.
352
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:19,200
So we can book you in
for an ultrasound...
353
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:21,200
..Saturday, 1:30?
354
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:23,760
Saturday? That's very soon.
355
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:26,760
Yes, well, it's good
to get it sorted quickly.
356
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:28,480
Absolutely, yeah.
357
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:32,800
It can't have been easy coming here
today, Michael.
358
00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:35,040
I know it's tricky with a...
359
00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:38,000
..sensitive issue like this.
360
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,760
So well done
on taking the first step.
361
00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:43,080
That takes courage.
362
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:44,640
Thank you.
363
00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:47,640
Thanks. OK, thank you.
364
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:49,480
Right, let's get you back to school.
365
00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:53,600
Thanks again. Thank you.
366
00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:01,440
Here, you'll never believe
the size of this wee lad's bollocks
367
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:03,320
I just had in here!
368
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:17,800
Look, I...got something for
you, it's in the back there.
369
00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:23,840
What is it? Have a wee look.
370
00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:38,920
I was...reading about those
electric ones,
371
00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:42,080
and you know, apparently, apparently
they're...they're bad for your skin.
372
00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:43,360
So...
373
00:22:46,120 --> 00:22:48,200
Thanks, Mum.
374
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:53,400
Well, just don't come crying to me
when you slit your throat open.
375
00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:01,160
Want one? Absolutely not,
that's rotten. More for me!
376
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:03,920
What's this big news you've been
refusing to tell us?
377
00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:06,560
Well, I had to wait for Mick to get
back from the dentist.
378
00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:08,600
News like this requires
a full audience.
379
00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:09,840
Drum roll, please.
380
00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:14,080
My parents are away this weekend.
381
00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:15,720
Is your da on the run again?
382
00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:18,280
Is he on a training mission with
Catalan separatists?
383
00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:20,280
My da wasn't in the RA.
That's it, Tommy.
384
00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:22,480
Don't tell them a fucking thing!
385
00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:26,440
Look, my parents are away, so...
386
00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:28,040
You're having a party?
387
00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:29,320
Well, no, I was going to see
388
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:31,320
if the lads wanted to come round
and play FIFA.
389
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:32,720
You can't NOT have a party
390
00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:33,960
if your ma and da are away.
391
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:36,280
Aye? Would you come if I did?
392
00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:38,760
Will there be drink? Yeah.
393
00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:40,840
Yeah, there'll be booze,
and music and all.
394
00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:43,160
Yeah, it'll be class, yeah. Good.
395
00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:46,320
Yeah, and say to anyone. All right.
See you there, then.
396
00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:53,720
You up for it? Yeah, if you go too.
397
00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:54,960
Sounds fun.
398
00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:04,800
A party?! I don't know how to
organise a party!
399
00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:06,960
Where am I going to get the drink?
No sweat.
400
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:09,280
My cousin Cahill will get it.
He's just turned 18.
401
00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:11,120
OK. Sweet.
402
00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:12,720
Tell him to bring a few mates
as well.
403
00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:14,800
Couple of older lads at a party's
always good.
404
00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:17,240
All right, yeah.
We need some more girls.
405
00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:20,280
Siobhan and Rachael
will say to a few others but,
406
00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:22,280
Conor, you're going to need to bring
Niamh.
407
00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:26,320
Well, I think she might be busy.
408
00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:28,360
No, but I'll say to her anyway.
409
00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:30,400
OK. Sweet.
410
00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:34,400
Right, lads, this could be good.
411
00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:36,440
Yeah, could be really good.
412
00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:45,800
♪ There's this girl who I sort of,
kind of, like
413
00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:48,080
♪ Yeah, she's sort of, kind of, cool
414
00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:50,480
♪ Kind of smart and kind of nice
415
00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:55,720
♪ And I also guess that it would be
a sort of lie
416
00:24:55,720 --> 00:25:00,280
♪ If I failed to mention that
she changed my fucking life... ♪
417
00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:01,960
What are you doing? Nothing.
418
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:04,440
Did you just get a tattoo?
419
00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:06,600
It's none of your business
what I just did.
420
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:09,320
Oh-oh-oh, Mum's going to go mental.
421
00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:12,480
Mum's not going to go mental,
because Mum's not going to find out.
422
00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:14,800
What, you're going to wear
sleeves the rest of your life?
423
00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:15,960
Oh, until I move out, yeah.
424
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:19,560
I bet it's crap. Is it crap?
425
00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:22,560
It's not crap! Piss off.
Danny said they're brilliant.
426
00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:23,880
Did he make you get it?
427
00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:25,920
No, he didn't make me get it,
we got them together,
428
00:25:25,920 --> 00:25:28,400
not that it's any of your business.
Right.
429
00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:30,360
You wouldn't understand.
430
00:25:30,360 --> 00:25:31,680
What I understand is,
431
00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:33,920
you're buying me a takeaway tonight
or I'm telling Mum.
432
00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:36,480
You're a wee shit.
433
00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:50,160
I'm sure everything's
going to be fine.
434
00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:52,640
Yeah, I know, it's grand. Good.
435
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:57,800
And, you know, even if it isn't,
even if it is, you know,
436
00:25:57,800 --> 00:25:58,960
something more serious...
437
00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:01,880
Well, you know, you're still young,
you'll get through it.
438
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:07,400
God, the sooner this is over with
the better.
439
00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:08,640
I hate hospitals.
440
00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:13,320
Just reminds me
of being here with your father.
441
00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:22,880
When did he know?
Like, how did he get his diagnosis?
442
00:26:24,120 --> 00:26:26,600
Ach, well...
443
00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:28,480
We'd been in and out of here
for months.
444
00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:32,960
You know, doing tests,
and tests and more tests.
445
00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:34,560
And they never said what was wrong.
446
00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:37,360
Um, and then one day,
your dad says to them,
447
00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:41,120
"Is it motor neurone disease?"
cos I think he kind of knew,
448
00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:43,320
um, but the doctor wouldn't say.
449
00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:44,840
So Jimmy plagued him and plagued him
450
00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:47,640
and the doctor still wouldn't say,
even though it was pretty obvious
451
00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:50,200
cos the junior doctor was
sitting there crying her eyes out.
452
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:54,920
And then eventually,
Jimmy just says to them...
453
00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:56,880
"In your OPINION...
454
00:26:58,040 --> 00:27:00,160
"..is it motor neurone disease?"
And...
455
00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:04,080
..the doctor said yes.
456
00:27:08,360 --> 00:27:09,920
I was just sitting there...
457
00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:13,960
..rubbing his back...
458
00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:15,400
..rubbing his back.
459
00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:22,760
And then he turns to me and he says,
"Will you stop rubbing my back?"
460
00:27:25,280 --> 00:27:27,200
I didn't know what else to do.
461
00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:30,520
DOOR OPENS
462
00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:32,600
Michael Campbell?
463
00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:35,040
Yeah, that's me. Follow me.
464
00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:37,400
Look, you're going to be OK,
Michael.
465
00:27:56,240 --> 00:27:58,480
Now, if you just want to
take a wee seat there,
466
00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:00,840
pop your trousers off,
and I'll get you shaved.
467
00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:04,000
Shaved? Yes, for the gel.
Need to be shaved.
468
00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:33,000
I got you now. Just relax.
469
00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:49,520
That's you. OK.
470
00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:51,760
Technician will be along soon.
471
00:29:05,480 --> 00:29:08,160
It always looks bigger
when it's shaved, eh? What?!
472
00:29:08,160 --> 00:29:11,280
How's it going, Michael?
I'll be your technician today.
473
00:29:11,280 --> 00:29:12,720
What I will do is perform the scan
474
00:29:12,720 --> 00:29:15,040
and then pass that information on
to the doctor.
475
00:29:15,040 --> 00:29:17,920
That all right? Good. Now...
476
00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:20,040
I'm going to put
this on your testicles.
477
00:29:20,040 --> 00:29:22,000
It will be a bit cold.
478
00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:24,080
Is that OK? Uh, yeah.
479
00:29:34,360 --> 00:29:37,840
Whoa. Look at that.
480
00:29:37,840 --> 00:29:41,400
It's a proper ultrasound image,
like a baby.
481
00:29:41,400 --> 00:29:43,840
A baby with no limbs or face.
482
00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:45,800
Just a big boiled egg.
483
00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:47,480
My left nut.
484
00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:54,360
So, what is it?
485
00:29:54,360 --> 00:29:57,000
If you could just lift your right
leg out of the way, there.
486
00:30:00,040 --> 00:30:02,000
And your left leg, please.
487
00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:12,800
So what is it?
488
00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:14,240
Ah, no, I'm just a technician.
489
00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:17,640
I'll have to pass this on
to the doctor. I can't say anything.
490
00:30:17,640 --> 00:30:20,120
But you must have seen
hundreds of these.
491
00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:23,160
Please. What is it?
I can't be saying.
492
00:30:28,800 --> 00:30:32,400
But in your OPINION, what is it?
493
00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:35,520
In my opinion? Yeah.
494
00:30:37,040 --> 00:30:39,640
In my opinion,
you have to wait for the doctor.
495
00:31:02,040 --> 00:31:05,160
KNOCKS ON DOOR
You all right in there, Michael?
496
00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:06,840
Uh, yeah. Two seconds.
497
00:31:16,920 --> 00:31:19,520
And he...
He didn't give you any idea at all?
498
00:31:27,800 --> 00:31:29,160
PHONE BEEPS
499
00:31:46,160 --> 00:31:47,680
I don't want to die.
500
00:31:49,720 --> 00:31:51,600
Please.
501
00:31:51,600 --> 00:31:53,360
Please, don't let me die.
38179
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