All language subtitles for Cooper.Barretts.Guide.To.Surviving.Life.S01E06_English

*

When you're in your 20s,
disputes with your landlord

can land you in some pretty
compromising situations!

My contacts are fusing
to my eyeballs!

Also, we're gonna die,
aren't we?!

Probably, yeah!

(truck horn blaring,
both screaming)

My name is Cooper Barrett.

My friends and I are here
to mess up our lives

so you don't have to.

I know I've said this before,
but I mean it this time--

no more tequila, ever.

What? No.

But tequila makes
you break-dance

and talk in a bad
British accent.

(British accent): All right,
my accent is bloody brilliant.

I could literally
talk like this all day.

(laughing):
That's not even close.

Okay, well, good night...

pal.

Yeah. See you tomorrow...

buddy.

Quick question:
How are we gonna deal with

the incredible amount
of sexual tension between us?

We are going
to ignore it.

Can you just admit
that the kiss we had

at the Clippers game
was unbelievable.

I've never been
to a Clippers game.

Fine.

We don't have to talk about it.

All right, fine,
I admit it.

The kiss was amazing.

I'm just scared
that if we try it again,

that same magic's
not gonna be there.

Sure. It's like watching
The Goonies again

when you're 20.

Right, I don't know
what that means.

But I think,

instead of trying
to recreate it,

we should just be grateful
for that moment

and move on.

Or...
Yeah, I was thinking
the same thing.

Wow, this is really
happening, huh?

Feels so right.

(gasps) Oh. Something's
touching my leg.

I feel like it's less romantic
if we call it out.

God, no.

It's your stupid
pet pig, James Franco.

You guys treat him
like a human being.

We know he's an animal,
all right?

Brush your teeth,
James Franco, or no Fallon!

Come on.

Now...

where were we?

BARRY:
I know I've said this before,

but I mean it this time.

Vodka is delicious.

(whispers): Barry, code black!
I repeat, code black!

BARRY: But code black means
that Cooper and Kelly

are about to have se...
(gasps)

...gregated washrooms.

Saved it.

What's up, guys?
What's crack-a-lacking?

Go away.
That's a weird code.

Go to the room,
use the bathroom.

All right, now...

where were we?

Is something wrong?

Yes! It's the pig,
two roommates,

one functioning
wall outlet

and a giant patch
of black mold on the ceiling.

Oh, that's not
black mold--

we had an electrical fire.

Which killed the black mold.

Cooper, this apartment
is killing my lady boner.

What?
I think you need
to call Virgil

and get some repairs.
Absolutely not.

I mean, sure,
he's not the best landlord,

but our rent is cheap and
he lets us keep James Franco,

so I'm not gonna rock the boat
over some minor repairs.

Now...

(loud crackling)
(gasps)

(both scream)

(coughing)

(car alarms wailing outside)

Now, where were we?

(TV playing quietly)

(Virgil humming softly)

(knocking on door)

What?
COOPER: Hey, Virgil.

Hi.
How's everyone's
favorite landlord?

I'm not here.

Okay, well, when you are here,

can you leave you a message?

Hey, Virgil, there's something
wrong with our apartment,

and we'd really appreciate it
if you just came down and...

Hey, are those
my headphones?

No proof.

They say "Neal"
on the side.

I had them custom made,

but the package
never got delivered.

"Neal" is foreign brand.
Very big.

Is that my shirt?
Lies.

Oh, hold on. Lies, my ass, okay?

It's three sizes too big

and it has the face
of Santa Claus on it.

NEAL:
That's Frederick Douglass.

BARRY: The face of
Frederick Douglass.

I wear as a nightgown.

Look, look, Virgil, a giant tree
just fell into our apartment.

Okay.

What tree?

This gigantic tree was
not here when we moved in.

This is two bedroom,
one tree, always.

Well, in that case,
that's on us.

Look, are you gonna fix
the apartment or not?

How do I know
you did not put tree here?

Hmm?
Uh, because if we put a tree
in here, it would be oak,

not this tacky pine.

Oh, come on, I know you kids

and your parties
with your trees.

Perverts.

This is exactly why
everyone in the building

thinks you're
a horrible landlord.

Who else thinks bad
of Virgil, hmm?

Nobody.

Was it Kelly?

Yes.
Yep.
Yes, it was Kelly.
That is correct.

(growling)
BARRY: Yep, you're
right on the nose.

KELLY:
* Don't you do something

* Just keep something,
something *

* I said,
"Something, something" *

* She said,
"Shut up and dance with me!" *

Hey!

If you refuse
to fix our apartment,

we will take legal action.

(high-pitched):
Oh, no, I am scared like a girl.

Well, you should be
scared like girl.

Just so happens,
my brother is the most feared,

most dangerous real estate
attorney in all Los Angeles.

That sounds like
the worst TV show ever.

I disagree. It could be
called Lethal Escrow.
Guys.

I fear nothing but rejection
from film festival.

You don't have a leg to stand
on, Virgil. We have a lease.

(Josh laughs)

This is literally the worst
lease I've ever seen in my life.

Uh, you mind if I make
a copy of this?

The boys at the office
are gonna love it.

There's got to be something
in there

that makes him responsible
for the tree.

No, but there's a hell
of a lot of other stuff.

Like a 3:00 a.m. curfew
for any adult male cat.

(laughs)
He gets Prima Nocta

on any new showerheads.

That's actually
a good idea.

There's something in here that
just says, "No Thanksgiving."

Oh, in two years,
everyone has to

pitch in and take care
of Virgil's Uncle Gohar.

Oh, I knew about Uncle Gohar.

If we don't take care of
the older generation, who will?

I can't believe you guys
dragged me into this.

I had to rinse my hair
with bottled water.

And, yes, we agree
it looks fantastic,

but it was really expensive.

Josh, what can we do?

I don't know,
buy a cheaper brand of water.

About the lease.

Cut a deal.
It's your only option.

(all arguing)
Come on, guys, just say it.

BARRY:
I'm not doing it.
Come on.

Let's just say it
so we can start.

(all sighing)

ALL: Virgil is the best
landlord ever.

All other landlords
will perish at his feet.

Negotiations may begin.

What'll it take for you
to get rid of our tree?

And fix my water?

I will fix
all the problems if...

Kelly and I switch apartments.

NEAL, COOPER, BARRY:
Done.
Um, excuse me, no.

My apartment is three times
the size of yours.

No, think of another option.
VIRGIL: Fine.

If you three give up pig.

Done.

(snorting softly)

Virgil is the worst
landlord ever,

and I'm including
Donald Sterling.

You guys are getting rid
of that pig, right?

You seriously expect us

to kick a 300-pound pig
out of our place

when you can easily move
into an apartment

that's one-third the size
of your current apartment?

I know you guys
love that pig.

Don't you think it's time
to grow up a little?

NEAL:
Whoa!

Since when did you become the
security guard at Sunglass Hut?

Terrance is really bossy,
and he talks down to me

all the time,
and I don't appreciate it.

Bottom line is, we're not
giving up James Franco.

All right, well,
I'm not giving up my apartment.

Here's the thing, though--
I can shower at the gym.

You guys got to live with a
giant tree in your living room.

Okay, I think you'd be surprised
by what we can live with.

(Barry chuckles)

(snorting)

Oh, hey, Kelly.

Hey!
Oh, hey!

COOPER: We're just chilling in
our perfectly livable apartment.

Want me to cut you a seat?

Hey, Barry, could you
pass me the cream, please?

Oh, yeah. No problem.

You know, this tree is
the best thing that's ever

happened to us. You know,
we give it a couple days,

we're gonna have syrup
up in here.
Ha, ha. Well done.

You guys are not fooling me.
I know this tree is

driving you nuts.
What?
BARRY:
Speaking of nuts,

there's a stash right here.

(chittering)

Oh, is that Rudy?
What's up, Rudy?

We're not fooling you.
We straight-up love the tree.

Oh, by the way, if you get tired
of showering at the gym,

it's gonna rain in, like, ten
minutes, so now no peeksies.

Okay. I can't believe I
almost kissed you again.

Anyone else think
the tree sucks?

Yes!
It's the worst.

Okay, here's the plan.
We're gonna stash James Franco

somewhere safe until Virgil
comes to fix the apartment.

I love it, but where are
we gonna stash a giant pig?

(snorting)

Josh... the kid's asleep,

and that's all it takes
to turn me on these days.

Come on. It's sex time.

(screaming)

Josh?!

Yeah.
Why is there a pig

in our bed?
Sweetie, you know

that the sheets in the guest
room are like sandpaper.

Oh, by the way,
do you mind

if we pork-sit Cooper's pig
for a few weeks?

Get out!
You heard her. Let's go.

It's sex time. Come on.

No, not the pig. You. Get out!

Yeah, I get it.

(buzzing)

Okay.

Yeah! Get her!

How happy are you guys
to get rid of this thing?

Honestly, I am so proud of
you guys for giving up James.

COOPER: Yeah, I know.
It's sad, but we're making

an old woman in Oregon
very happy.

Stop! Stop!

JOSH:
Sorry, guys.

Leslie won't give me sex
with a pig in the room.

It is what it is.

I never fix tree,
water, nothing!

Dimitri, let's go listen
Coldplay.

Come on, Virgil, no.
Please... wait.

(sighs)
About the whole
Oregon thing...

Save it, okay?
I have to go shower,

and Mrs. Pascal's sprinkler
turns on in two minutes.

Well...

You know what our problem is?

We have no leverage over Virgil.

So we have to start
making his life miserable

till he agrees
to our demands.

(guitar tuning,
speakers humming)

NEAL:
Remember this? Ready?

(rock music playing loudly)

(whooping)

Yeah!

(rock music playing loudly)

NEAL:
Yeah!

(music stops, speaker hums)

What the hell, Virgil?!

We play some loud music,
and you shoot at us?!

You missed me by three inches!
I could have died!
This was supposed to be fun!

You were supposed to turn up
our heat or something!

(gun cocks)

Sorry to disturb
you, sir.

Sorry.
Never mind.

You have a good
night, okay? Bye.

(snoring)

Guys?

Guys?!

(yells)
Take Neal!

Don't shoot!

What time is it?

2:00 in the afternoon.

Rough night?

Oh, you have no idea.

Our CD/DVD tower
is destroyed,

Virgil's been shooting at us,
and Neal's stuck

to the counter 'cause
Barry had maple syrup earlier.

Hey.
Listen, guys,
um, there's just...

there-there's something
that I want to tell you.

You feel bad
about being difficult,

and you want to make out
right now.

No.
It's cool.

I'll just go brush my teeth.

BARRY: James Franco?
Oh, my God,

James Franco is gone!
Virgil must have

took him while
we were sleeping.

You know what? This is it!
He's gone too far.

Really? This is worse
than shooting at us?

Virgil didn't
take your pig.

Who did?

I did.

You... Aah! You monster!
(groans)

Where exactly
did you take James Franco?

To a place where
he can live happily.

Have you lost
your freakin' mind?

You didn't even pack
any of his things!

What things?!

His smartphone, his little work
boots, his shiny sunglasses,

underwear,

backpack, milk,

"I Don't Eat
Bacon" sticker

for the back of his ass.

COOPER:
I can't believe you would

resort to this just to have
your water turned back on.

No, this isn't about my water.
It's about you guys.

You've put up
with giant trees

and people shooting at
you through the floor

because you're not mature enough
to give up a pig

who was never meant
to live indoors?

You take that back.
This is his dream apartment!

Okay, we're gonna
go get him.

Take us to whatever hellhole
you brought him to.

(goats bleating)

This is no place
for an animal.

Look, James Franco
is enjoying

his own personal
hot tub.

Tonight, he'll dine on
the finest of organic slop

while enjoying the company
of other animals.

What about people?
James Franco likes people!

Like that?

BARRY: Okay, you know what?
That's it.

We're getting him out of here.

I'm gonna get the truck.
Neal, knock over these kids.

Great. I'm on it.
Neal!

Guys, guys, guys,
look at him.

She's right. He's...

glowing.

Maybe it's the right place
for him.

(screams) I'll never let go!

(sobbing)

Pretty different, right?

I mean, it looks like
actual human beings live here.

And, oh, my God, is
this a houseplant?

We got kind of used to the tree

and figured
this was a happy medium.

Anne Hathaway, meet Kelly.
Kelly, Anne Hathaway.

Cooper Barrett,
seriously, I'm impressed.

I'm impressed.

This place is
all grown up.

Barry or Neal here?

Uh, it's Thursday,
so right now,

they're out hunting
for the Zodiac Killer.

Why'd you ask?

Uh, look, Kelly, I'm sorry.

I just don't feel
like myself right now.

Please tell me this
is not about the pig.
It's about the pig.

I don't get it.
That's 'cause
you're a heartless monster.

Explain to me, what is
so important about James Franco.

The first night we spent
in this apartment, we woke up

and he was here, and he's been
with us every moment since.

I mean, the birthdays,

the Super Bowl,
those couple of months

we were friends
with Topher Grace.

I thought we weren't
gonna talk about that.

Look, I know the petting zoo
is a better place for him

and we all have to grow up,

but with James gone,
it's...

it's kind of a reminder
it's happening really fast.

(goats bleating,
rooster crowing)

Hey.

I need a pig back.

Uh, what's it look like?

Uh, well, he's got
a long, white, silky mane.

It's got a big, giant horn
sticking out of his head.

What do you mean,
"What does he look like?"

He's a giant pig
named James Franco.

Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

It's my friends' pig,
and-and I only just now realized

how much it means to them,
so... I need it back.

They need it back.

He's gone.
Wait, what?

A pig like him was never meant
for a petting zoo.

All he wanted to do was
lay around and watch TV.

Keeping him here
just seemed cruel.

Well, where did you send him?

A slaughterhouse.

I'm gonna say this--
I miss the tree.

Yes! Thank you.
Yeah.

Barry!

Were you eating pancakes
on the sofa?

BARRY:
Yeah, why?

Hey, Barry. Hey, guys.
(chuckles) Good, good.

Listen, I have
some bad news.

Uh, but it's better news than,
say, that missing plane.

Remember that?

That plane's actually
still missing.

Kelly, what happened?

(sighs)

COOPER:
Can't you drive any faster?

What's the point? He's probably
bacon or sausage by now.

BARRY:
Hey, that's our pig

you're talking about!

You think we could stop
at a drive-through?
Look, the zoo manager

told Kelly James Franco
was picked up just an hour ago.

So we get to Westfield Meats,
and we stop it.

'Cause that's what we do.
We have each other's backs.

Right! And we don't assign blame

and we don't focus
on who might have caused

a particular problem.
NEAL: Did you say
"Westfield Meats"?

Josh, turn around!

Slow down!

I'm slowing down.
(tires screeching)

Whew! I feel like a
badass getaway driver.

Stay in the minivan.
Feeling gone.

Okay, Barry, Neal,
you distract the truck driver.

Cooper, you're with me. Come on.

Hey, buddy.

Here to bust you out.

(doorbells jingle)

COOPER:
Better hurry up.

The trucker's already paid.

Okay.

Hey there,
fellow trucker!
(chuckling)

How's the road
treating you?

Uh, can't complain.

Every day's a good day

when it's
not raining.

(grunting)

I hear that.

That's not how you do it.

Then how do you do it?!
I don't know.

Leslie usually handles
this kind of stuff.

There's nothing us truckers hate
more than the rain.

You got that
right, pal.

Except maybe
those who deny

that Israel is
a sovereign nation

with the right
to defend itself.

Great.

Start the car!

We got to go!
What happened?!

BARRY:
He started talking politics!

Josh, we're set.

Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
No! Josh!

Josh!

(whooping, cheering)

I don't think he's following us.

Yeah, we did it!

I hate to put a damper
on things, guys,

but where are
Cooper and/or Kelly?

BARRY: And where's
the trailer?
(gasps)

(Kelly shouting)
COOPER: Hey!

Hey!
Hey!

(all shouting)

What are you doing?!
What are you doing?!

We got James Franco!

Slow down, Josh!
Slow down!

Help!
Help!

(shouting)

We're gonna die, aren't we?!

Probably, yeah!

And all to get back a pig our
landlord won't even let us have.

No, he will. I agreed
to change apartments with him

after I realized how much
the pig meant to you.

That is the sweetest thing
anyone has ever done for me!

(chuckles)

(truck horn blaring)
Truck!
Truck!

(both screaming)

WOMAN (over P.A.):
Dr. Levy, pick up line two.

Dr. Levy,
pick up line two.

How is she?

She's in recovery
but stable.

Can we see her?
Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

(snorting softly)

(chuckles softly)

I told you James Franco
was getting freaky

on those little
pig playdates.

Aw, James Franco's a mom.

I never thought
I'd live to see this.
Well, you wouldn't have

if that truck driver hadn't
had such good reflexes.

Question: why did you name her
James Franco

if you knew that she was a girl?

Couldn't tell the sex
when we found her,

and James Franco the actor
was killing it back then.

BARRY: Yeah.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man 2

and Tristan and Isolde.
Are you kidding me?

Well, anyway,
I now so see why you kept James

that first night. I
don't know how anyone

could be miserable
holding this little guy.

I have an idea.

(snorting softly)

Now I have found
a reason to live.

So Kelly can keep her apartment?

Yes, she keeps.

Now leave before I shoot you.

Mmm, Elsa.
Elsa, give Virgil a kiss.

Give Virgil a kiss.

So, what have we learned?

Well, always read your lease;

a tree can really open up
a room;

and even the meanest,
most psychotic landlord

can have a soft side.

(knocking)

Hey.

I just spoke to Virgil.
Thank you so much.

Oh, thank you.

I have my pig back, and
the place looks great.

Yeah.

So, about that kiss...

Smooth segue.
I know what you're gonna
say, and I totally agree.

There's been way
too much buildup.

Yeah. Exactly. I mean, we've
been talking about it for weeks.

I just feel like
the moment's passed.

Yeah. 100% agree.
We're on the same page.

All right. Well, thanks again
for talking to Virgil.

You're a really good friend.

I'd do anything
for you, buddy.

(chuckles) Okay.

All right.

Well, see you later, pal.

See you later.

*

(metallic clanking)

Magic's totally gone, right?

Yeah. Totally.
That kiss was just eh.

Cool.
Okay.

(door opens, closes)

(oinking)
(gasps)

Josh!

Yeah.

Guys, not on the pillow.

You're never getting laid again.

Come on, guys.

Yeah.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH