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1
00:00:04,738 --> 00:00:06,068
*
(crowd cheering)
2
00:00:06,107 --> 00:00:07,707
COOPER:
When you graduate from college,
3
00:00:07,741 --> 00:00:10,241
you feel prepared
to take on the world.
4
00:00:10,278 --> 00:00:12,648
Good luck.
Not gonna need it.
5
00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:14,920
But the truth is,
no one has ever bothered
6
00:00:14,948 --> 00:00:19,318
to properly prepare anyone for
this next decade of your life.
7
00:00:19,353 --> 00:00:21,393
Until now.
8
00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:23,162
My name is Cooper Barrett.
9
00:00:23,191 --> 00:00:25,761
I'm 26 years old,
I'm being held hostage,
10
00:00:25,793 --> 00:00:28,163
and there are some things
I think you should know.
11
00:00:28,196 --> 00:00:30,826
(siren wailing in distance)
Is it me, or is it
a little warm in here?
12
00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:32,934
(grunting)
13
00:00:32,966 --> 00:00:34,566
(chuckles):
Okay. It's gonna take
14
00:00:34,602 --> 00:00:36,342
a lot more than that
to break me.
15
00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:37,670
(grunts)
16
00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:38,865
(pants)
17
00:00:38,906 --> 00:00:40,606
What do you guys want to know?
18
00:00:43,244 --> 00:00:45,014
(clucking)
19
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,275
Hey.
20
00:00:46,314 --> 00:00:48,454
Hey, don't worry, Mr. Chicken.
21
00:00:48,482 --> 00:00:50,752
We'll get out of this alive.
22
00:00:50,784 --> 00:00:54,994
This lesson starts the day after
my college graduation.
23
00:00:56,090 --> 00:00:57,760
Barry!
Come on.
24
00:00:57,791 --> 00:01:00,031
The thing is, dude, I've been
crunching some numbers,
25
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,630
and based on my looks, salary
and personality deficiencies,
26
00:01:02,663 --> 00:01:05,633
there's an 87% chance
my wife will have a mustache.
27
00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:08,396
Well, she'll be the luckiest,
hairiest woman in the world.
28
00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:10,366
Every group of friends has
what I like to call
29
00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:11,644
a "Lovable Jackass."
30
00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:13,642
* I said I'm sorry
Oh!
31
00:01:13,674 --> 00:01:15,984
* Can't afford a Ferrari
This is mine.
32
00:01:16,009 --> 00:01:17,249
* But that don't mean
I can't get you there. *
33
00:01:17,278 --> 00:01:18,648
I love that song!
34
00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:20,809
Brand-new. It's the dude
from Gnarls Barkley.
35
00:01:20,848 --> 00:01:22,418
What happened to the towel?
36
00:01:22,450 --> 00:01:23,650
Hi, guys.
37
00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:26,254
Hey.
Hi. I'm Kelly.
38
00:01:27,321 --> 00:01:29,391
Cooper.
Hi.
39
00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:31,293
The guy learning to
use a door is Neal.
40
00:01:31,325 --> 00:01:32,425
Hey. How's it going?
41
00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:34,260
Who's the, uh, wet, naked guy?
42
00:01:34,295 --> 00:01:35,555
Uh...
43
00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:37,796
Barry.
44
00:01:37,831 --> 00:01:39,671
Barry.
Right. Okay.
45
00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:41,340
Okay.
Well, welcome
to the building.
46
00:01:41,369 --> 00:01:42,599
Thanks.
47
00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:44,836
You make the creepiest
first impression.
48
00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:46,242
Have I ever
told you that before?
49
00:01:46,274 --> 00:01:48,144
(car horn honking)
Wrap it up!
50
00:01:48,176 --> 00:01:49,736
(laughs):
Josh!
51
00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:53,007
Happy housewarming,
baby brother.
52
00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:54,746
Yeah!
53
00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:56,252
(laughter)
54
00:01:56,284 --> 00:01:57,624
What?!
55
00:01:57,651 --> 00:01:59,491
(rhythmic grunting)
56
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:01,020
Who's humping me?
57
00:02:01,054 --> 00:02:02,464
That's Virgil--
he manages the building.
58
00:02:02,490 --> 00:02:03,620
Ah.
Ooh, ooh, ooh...
59
00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:05,487
Rent is due on the third.
60
00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:07,796
BARRY: Smart TV?
61
00:02:07,828 --> 00:02:09,798
Are you telling me
I can watch 64-inch,
62
00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:11,430
high-definition
Internet pornography?
63
00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:12,925
Yeah, or Star Wars.
64
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:14,596
Oh, my God!
65
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:16,295
Oh! Oh, God, so tight!
66
00:02:16,337 --> 00:02:18,037
Your grasp is so tight!
Thank you so much.
67
00:02:18,071 --> 00:02:19,841
Thanks, Josh.
Thanks, brother.
68
00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:21,613
No need to thank me, because
you are about to give me back
69
00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:22,712
the decade of my life that
I never got a chance to live.
70
00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:24,853
Let me paint you
a picture.
71
00:02:24,878 --> 00:02:27,678
I started at my law firm at 22.
72
00:02:27,715 --> 00:02:30,175
I got married at 23 to a woman--
your sister-in-law--
73
00:02:30,218 --> 00:02:31,888
whom I love dearly.
74
00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:33,619
But she's a fun-sucker.
75
00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:34,894
She sucks fun.
76
00:02:34,922 --> 00:02:36,962
Well, hey, man,
our home is your home.
77
00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:38,390
Fantastic. What do you say
78
00:02:38,426 --> 00:02:40,126
we get a little
crazy tonight and...
79
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,900
Have a housewarming party.
80
00:02:41,929 --> 00:02:43,859
I was gonna say
a nice cheese plate
81
00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:45,697
and a Guitar Hero marathon,
but your idea does sound better.
82
00:02:45,733 --> 00:02:47,973
Yeah, housewarming party's
a cool idea,
83
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:49,741
but we should probably,
like, check the lease.
84
00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:51,970
Okay, yeah, gentlemen, yeah.
That's a good point.
85
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:53,665
What kind of guys
do we want to be
86
00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:55,537
for the next ten years
of our lives, huh?
87
00:02:55,576 --> 00:02:57,176
The kind of guys
who check leases
88
00:02:57,211 --> 00:02:59,381
or the guys who throw parties
the guys checking leases
89
00:02:59,413 --> 00:03:01,323
can't attend 'cause they're home
checking leases?
90
00:03:01,349 --> 00:03:03,019
Can you repeat those choices?
91
00:03:03,050 --> 00:03:05,550
So let's start
this decade off right
92
00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:08,086
by throwing
a knockdown, blowout,
93
00:03:08,121 --> 00:03:10,691
"I can't feel the left side
of my face" housewarming party!
94
00:03:10,724 --> 00:03:13,164
What do you say?
(all shouting in agreement)
95
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:14,663
* I see you driving
round town... *
96
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,725
And look how black
the blacks are.
97
00:03:16,764 --> 00:03:18,834
Are you talking
about the picture quality
98
00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:20,666
or the, uh, black people?
99
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,541
Okay, Jeff, that's racial.
100
00:03:22,570 --> 00:03:24,170
Don't touch it!
101
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:26,414
So you guys just moved in?
Yep, you know,
102
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:28,180
signed a check for first,
last and security.
103
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:30,738
It's no big deal. I got
a full-time job, so...
104
00:03:30,778 --> 00:03:32,748
I'm just looking for someone to
spend the rest of my life with
105
00:03:32,780 --> 00:03:34,180
and take my virginity!
106
00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:36,084
(chuckles)
107
00:03:37,785 --> 00:03:39,445
Look no further.
108
00:03:41,455 --> 00:03:43,115
* You're my Aphrodite
109
00:03:43,156 --> 00:03:44,686
* I know our love
can be mighty *
110
00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:46,525
* Come on, baby, try me
111
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,130
* You might find out
you like me... *
112
00:03:48,161 --> 00:03:49,561
Be gentle, ah!
113
00:03:49,597 --> 00:03:51,057
Maybe later?
114
00:03:51,098 --> 00:03:53,068
VIRGIL: No, no, no,
no, no, no, no!
115
00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:55,400
This party
is total sausage fest!
116
00:03:55,436 --> 00:03:56,696
No, no, no, no, no.
117
00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:57,767
Oh, crap.
118
00:03:57,805 --> 00:03:59,065
The woman-- you,
you, the blonde!
119
00:03:59,106 --> 00:04:00,466
Not you, the
blonde in hot top.
120
00:04:00,508 --> 00:04:02,078
Yeah, come on.
121
00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:04,581
COOPER:
Nice to see you again.
122
00:04:04,612 --> 00:04:05,952
You're in a dryer.
123
00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:07,479
I'm hiding
from my boyfriend.
124
00:04:07,515 --> 00:04:09,275
Things were going great
with us at first.
125
00:04:09,317 --> 00:04:11,547
And now,
every time he speaks,
126
00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,715
I just want to bunch up
his face with my hands.
127
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:15,924
I'm gonna force him
to break up with me
128
00:04:15,956 --> 00:04:17,286
by doing a lot of little things
that really bother him,
129
00:04:17,325 --> 00:04:18,755
like saying
the word "tampon" a lot.
130
00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:20,992
"Tampon, yeast infection"--
either one.
131
00:04:21,028 --> 00:04:22,028
You're a little complicated.
132
00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:24,904
It's okay. I'm complicated, too.
133
00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:26,432
I mean, I just graduated,
134
00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:29,467
and I have no idea
what I want to do with my life.
135
00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:31,573
Right, because you're
not ready to be a man.
136
00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:33,235
Did my dad put you up to this?
137
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:34,813
I'm saying, guys like you,
138
00:04:34,842 --> 00:04:36,612
who are still figuring
things out are exhausting.
139
00:04:36,644 --> 00:04:39,684
Okay? You're the reason why
I only date men in their 30s.
140
00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:40,813
Oh, that's interesting.
141
00:04:40,848 --> 00:04:42,618
'Cause, um, I think you date
142
00:04:42,650 --> 00:04:44,250
men in their 30s
'cause you're one of those
143
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:45,954
college athlete girls
who likes to win at everything.
144
00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:48,086
So you date dudes
that look good on paper,
145
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:50,161
but you wind up
hiding in a dryer
146
00:04:50,190 --> 00:04:51,760
'cause you're bored
to death by him.
147
00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:53,492
Okay, now I want
to bunch up your face.
148
00:04:53,527 --> 00:04:55,457
I thought we were just
saying stuff about each other.
149
00:04:55,496 --> 00:04:56,896
There you are.
(screams)
150
00:04:59,232 --> 00:05:00,602
Tampon.
151
00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:01,944
Watch this, watch this.
152
00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:03,499
You just pull
the bird back, right?
153
00:05:03,537 --> 00:05:04,867
And then you let it go,
154
00:05:04,905 --> 00:05:06,265
and you shoot the pig
out of the sky.
155
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:07,266
Wow, thanks, Grandpa.
156
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,837
Least favorite person.
157
00:05:08,876 --> 00:05:11,036
You're my least favorite person
in this whole party.
158
00:05:11,078 --> 00:05:12,708
(phone ringing)
Oh.
159
00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:13,846
Uh, hi, yeah.
160
00:05:13,881 --> 00:05:14,981
Uh, h-hey.
161
00:05:15,015 --> 00:05:16,545
Hey, babe.
162
00:05:16,584 --> 00:05:19,454
I thought you were
just going over to say hi.
163
00:05:19,487 --> 00:05:21,317
I was, I was, but the, uh...
164
00:05:21,355 --> 00:05:23,885
the guys made me stay
and help them unpack.
165
00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:26,034
Well, hurry home,
and don't forget
166
00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:27,799
we're gonna have a baby!
167
00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:29,298
How could I forget?
168
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:30,359
(mute button beeps)
169
00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:31,698
'Cause you won't let me.
170
00:05:31,732 --> 00:05:33,302
(mute button beeps)
171
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:34,703
It's the most important thing
in my life.
172
00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:35,795
Oh, I love you.
173
00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:38,066
Love you, love you.
174
00:05:38,105 --> 00:05:39,635
You know, I was
just thinking about...
175
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,143
Hello?
(dial tone droning)
176
00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:42,514
Hello?
177
00:05:42,543 --> 00:05:44,953
*
178
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:50,477
BARRY (whispering):
They about to steal the TV.
179
00:05:50,518 --> 00:05:53,088
Oh, hell no!
180
00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:54,890
Not happening, fellas! Not...
181
00:05:54,922 --> 00:05:57,632
COOPER: Let's stop here,
because this is important.
182
00:05:59,627 --> 00:06:01,827
Mmm, this is delicious.
183
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,162
Thank you so much.
184
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:06,666
Nobody put Barry
in charge of the TV.
185
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:09,870
That's just something
he made up in his head.
186
00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:11,543
But who cares, right?
187
00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:13,542
What's the harm?
188
00:06:13,574 --> 00:06:15,184
I'm tied to a chair.
189
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:17,338
...happening!
They taking the TV!
190
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,847
There are, like,
500 people at this party.
191
00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:21,079
How the hell
are they gonna take the TV?
192
00:06:21,114 --> 00:06:22,854
Are you kidding me?
193
00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:24,593
That dude in Despicable Me
stole the whole moon.
194
00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:26,418
Anybody have the energy
to field that?
195
00:06:26,454 --> 00:06:27,724
Bro, you need
to relax, okay?
196
00:06:27,755 --> 00:06:29,785
Calm down.
You're at a party, right?
197
00:06:29,823 --> 00:06:31,593
Yeah, damn right
we're here to party.
198
00:06:31,625 --> 00:06:32,885
You guys really
want to party?
199
00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:35,626
(chuckling)
200
00:06:37,264 --> 00:06:39,134
* Are you ready for this?
201
00:06:39,166 --> 00:06:41,296
* You ready for this?
You ready for this? *
202
00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:43,244
* Are you ready for this?
203
00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:45,740
* You ready for this?
204
00:06:45,773 --> 00:06:47,643
* Yeah, yo, the guys look fresh
and the ladies on *
205
00:06:47,675 --> 00:06:49,405
* Now let me tell the DJ
to play that song *
206
00:06:49,443 --> 00:06:51,483
* Let's have a good time
where it can't go wrong *
207
00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:54,552
(all cheering)
* We gon' do this here,
like, all night long *
208
00:06:54,582 --> 00:06:57,382
* Are you ready for this?
Are you ready for this? *
209
00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:59,217
(grunting)
210
00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:01,592
(phone ringing)
211
00:07:09,997 --> 00:07:11,967
That's my phone.
That's my phone.
212
00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:13,829
Where is it?
213
00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:17,609
There we go.
214
00:07:17,638 --> 00:07:19,138
Hello?
215
00:07:19,172 --> 00:07:20,472
There she is.
216
00:07:20,508 --> 00:07:21,908
Hey, babe.
217
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:23,282
Uh, no, no, no.
218
00:07:23,310 --> 00:07:24,650
Almost finished.
219
00:07:24,678 --> 00:07:26,578
Almost finished, yeah.
220
00:07:26,614 --> 00:07:29,524
No, it's amazing how much stuff
a college kid has these days.
221
00:07:29,550 --> 00:07:31,120
Hey, can anybody else not see?
222
00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:32,621
Whose is this?
223
00:07:32,653 --> 00:07:34,663
(pig oinking)
224
00:07:34,688 --> 00:07:36,688
Uh, no, we just have
a couple more boxes, and then,
225
00:07:36,724 --> 00:07:39,164
uh, everything will be as...
as it's supposed to be.
226
00:07:39,192 --> 00:07:40,362
(screams)
227
00:07:40,393 --> 00:07:43,203
BARRY:
They stole our TV!
228
00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:44,870
I think I'm gonna
have to call you back.
229
00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:46,498
(gasping)
230
00:07:53,206 --> 00:07:54,636
(slurps)
231
00:07:54,675 --> 00:07:56,675
Those damn UFC guys.
232
00:07:56,710 --> 00:07:57,680
I told you!
233
00:07:57,711 --> 00:07:59,681
Can I get some help here?
234
00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:01,253
Hmm? Who are you?
235
00:08:02,349 --> 00:08:05,189
I'm Neal's girlfriend.
236
00:08:05,218 --> 00:08:07,348
Barry, this hangover
remedy is amazing.
237
00:08:07,387 --> 00:08:09,717
BARRY: My grandma
throws down, okay?
238
00:08:09,757 --> 00:08:11,727
I know her hangover remedy
is amazing, all right?
239
00:08:11,759 --> 00:08:12,989
Mmm, she's a genius.
240
00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:14,696
This thing
is not only delicious,
241
00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:16,198
but I'm almost
getting my sight back here.
242
00:08:16,229 --> 00:08:18,229
Now, everybody listen up, okay?
243
00:08:18,265 --> 00:08:20,695
'Cause I'm only
gonna say this once.
244
00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:22,644
I'm not gonna rest
until I find those guys,
245
00:08:22,670 --> 00:08:24,870
and I put that TV
back on the wall!
246
00:08:24,905 --> 00:08:26,465
COOPER: Now, I know
what you're thinking.
247
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,976
Barry can't mean that, can he?
248
00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:32,909
I mean, eventually he's gonna
stop caring about the TV.
249
00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:34,946
Two years later...
250
00:08:38,451 --> 00:08:42,221
Oh, that girl
loved her some books.
251
00:08:45,292 --> 00:08:47,662
The UFC guys.
252
00:08:47,695 --> 00:08:52,195
Oh, it is on like Michelle Kwan.
253
00:08:52,232 --> 00:08:53,672
(slurps)
254
00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:56,241
The point is, Craig,
I'm the captain
255
00:08:56,269 --> 00:08:57,869
of our Tiger Thrust
Energy Drink Team,
256
00:08:57,905 --> 00:09:00,235
and I want you guys out
there promoting the brand.
257
00:09:00,273 --> 00:09:03,083
You know, youth, power,
a sense of adventure.
258
00:09:03,110 --> 00:09:05,850
I need you to stop calling
people "ass-face."
259
00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:07,049
Yes, sir.
260
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:08,050
Don't call me, sir, man.
261
00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:09,081
I'm younger than you.
262
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,591
Tiger Thrust.
Enjoy it.
263
00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:16,591
I'm not nearly as embarrassed
for you as I thought I'd be.
264
00:09:16,624 --> 00:09:18,364
(laughs)
You're actually good at this.
265
00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:20,691
I know, right?
I just wish the product
266
00:09:20,728 --> 00:09:22,358
had a better name
than Tiger Thrust.
267
00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:24,225
And, you know, it tasted better.
268
00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:26,574
And didn't contain the
chemical found in glow sticks.
269
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,140
Wait, seriously?
Yeah.
270
00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:29,698
Ah, okay, no.
271
00:09:29,737 --> 00:09:32,567
Uh, but at least this gig's
just temporary, right?
272
00:09:32,606 --> 00:09:34,566
Oh, uh-oh, okay.
Uh, I had sex with this girl.
273
00:09:34,608 --> 00:09:36,578
Can't remember her name.
Think it starts with a C.
274
00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:37,810
Cooper!
275
00:09:37,845 --> 00:09:40,375
Cavala...
What's going on, girl?
276
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:42,153
(laughs)
What did you call me?
277
00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:43,982
I know, right?
How are you doing?
278
00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:45,547
Great!
Great.
279
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,115
Great.
Great.
280
00:09:47,154 --> 00:09:49,394
Great. Great.
281
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:50,622
Great.
Great.
282
00:09:50,658 --> 00:09:51,928
Hi, I'm Kelly.
283
00:09:51,959 --> 00:09:53,659
Kristen.
COOPER:
Oh, did I not...?
284
00:09:53,694 --> 00:09:55,564
Kristen, Kristen, Kelly.
Kelly, Kristen.
285
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,895
Ah... (chuckles)
Are you two together?
286
00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,571
Neighbors.
God no, no.
287
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,099
(chuckles)
288
00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:02,244
Well, call me.
289
00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:03,639
(chuckles)
Yeah, you got it.
290
00:10:03,671 --> 00:10:05,671
Okay.
Okay.
291
00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:06,666
It was good
to see you, Krista.
292
00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:08,277
Kristen.
Kristen!
293
00:10:08,308 --> 00:10:09,608
Okay, it's official.
You're my best friend
294
00:10:09,643 --> 00:10:10,943
in the whole wide world.
295
00:10:10,978 --> 00:10:12,908
Remind me to never
have sex with you.
296
00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:15,016
(phone ringing)
Oh, yeah, never
have sex with me.
297
00:10:15,048 --> 00:10:16,578
You know, unless you
feel it's something
298
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:18,146
you absolutely
have to do.
299
00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:21,453
Hello?
300
00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:22,588
I found it.
301
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:23,922
Found what?
302
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,187
Hold, please.
303
00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:26,585
Thanks, babe.
(pig snorting)
304
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:27,956
That feels so good.
305
00:10:27,995 --> 00:10:29,955
(phone ringing)
306
00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:31,127
Hello?
307
00:10:31,164 --> 00:10:33,004
(phone buzzing)
308
00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:35,274
Talk to me.
309
00:10:35,302 --> 00:10:37,172
Yo, I found the flat-screen.
310
00:10:37,204 --> 00:10:38,444
No.
Yes.
311
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,171
How?
(Josh laughs)
312
00:10:40,207 --> 00:10:42,177
It's fantastic!
Uh-huh.
313
00:10:42,209 --> 00:10:46,109
I'm at 2280 South Arapahoe,
and I'm looking right at it.
314
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,446
JOSH:
Barry, no.
315
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,450
Okay, Barry... Barry,
316
00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:51,552
don't do anything
until we get there.
317
00:10:51,584 --> 00:10:55,024
Do not even dream
about going without me.
318
00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:58,555
Because I'll be in bed
dreaming next to my lovely wife.
319
00:10:58,591 --> 00:10:59,731
(TV playing quietly)
320
00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:03,362
NEAL: Barry?
BARRY: They're leaving.
321
00:11:03,396 --> 00:11:04,226
Barry.
I'm going in.
322
00:11:04,264 --> 00:11:05,404
No. Bar-Barry.
323
00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:06,202
(phone beeps)
324
00:11:06,233 --> 00:11:07,303
(hangs up)
325
00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:08,504
Oh, God.
326
00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:09,935
(phone beeps)
327
00:11:12,239 --> 00:11:13,369
Hey!
328
00:11:13,406 --> 00:11:15,676
Good night, sweetie.
329
00:11:15,709 --> 00:11:17,909
COOPER: What Barry's
doing here is called
330
00:11:17,945 --> 00:11:19,805
"breaking and entering."
331
00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:21,977
This is not sneaking
into your friend's dorm room
332
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:23,975
or a high school science lab.
333
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:25,717
This is a felony.
334
00:11:25,753 --> 00:11:28,793
Oh. Little baby Batboy.
335
00:11:31,624 --> 00:11:34,434
There is so much good
in this world.
336
00:11:41,802 --> 00:11:44,102
(whispers):
Damn, this is a big-ass TV.
337
00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:47,876
(toilet flushes)
338
00:11:47,908 --> 00:11:49,778
(gasping)
339
00:11:49,810 --> 00:11:51,950
(door opens)
340
00:12:02,289 --> 00:12:04,489
Shh.
341
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,199
(whispers):
Where are you?
342
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:09,798
(men laughing)
343
00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:12,300
What is he doing?
Barry?
344
00:12:15,936 --> 00:12:18,436
(door creaks)
345
00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:21,271
(baby crying over monitor)
346
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:30,147
(man snoring)
COOPER: Once they fell asleep,
347
00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:33,293
a normal person
would make a break for it.
348
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:34,490
(snoring continues)
349
00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:36,691
Not your Loveable Jackass.
350
00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:39,761
(whispering): No.
That's a very bad idea.
351
00:12:39,793 --> 00:12:41,233
No, not a chance. No!
Please don't do that.
352
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:44,161
Barry, no.
Barry? Barry?
Stop!
353
00:12:44,197 --> 00:12:45,397
Barry?
Don't!
354
00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:46,802
Very bad idea.
355
00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:48,804
Barry, no.
No, Barry.
356
00:12:48,836 --> 00:12:50,736
No. Barry.
No... Barry!
357
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:52,110
Stop it!
No!
358
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:56,107
Shh.
Wait, wait, wait.
Grab the remote.
359
00:12:56,143 --> 00:12:58,113
We'll get another one!
360
00:12:58,145 --> 00:13:00,345
Oh, Mr. Moneybags.
Who are you, Jimmy Buffet?
361
00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:01,820
You mean Warren Buffet.
No, Jimmy.
362
00:13:01,849 --> 00:13:03,919
This dude's got platinum albums,
363
00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:05,591
two restaurant chains,
a tequila company.
364
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,348
Look, I'll get the remote!
365
00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:15,329
(floorboards creaking)
366
00:13:17,330 --> 00:13:19,530
(snoring continues)
367
00:13:19,566 --> 00:13:21,836
Is this the one
for the TV or...?
368
00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:25,009
They're awake!
369
00:13:25,038 --> 00:13:26,508
Go! Let's go!
370
00:13:26,539 --> 00:13:29,139
Why the hell you bring
this small-ass ride?!
371
00:13:29,176 --> 00:13:30,636
Go, go, go, go!
372
00:13:30,677 --> 00:13:33,147
Go, go, go, go!
I'm not in the car!
373
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:36,215
(panting)
374
00:13:39,752 --> 00:13:42,522
(tires screeching)
375
00:13:44,091 --> 00:13:45,891
(engine revving)
376
00:13:48,728 --> 00:13:51,158
Get in.
377
00:13:51,198 --> 00:13:52,498
Hi, Gracie.
378
00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:54,332
(grunting)
379
00:13:58,071 --> 00:14:00,571
COOPER:
Mission accomplished, right?
(man yells)
380
00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:02,007
Wrong.
381
00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:03,842
This is not the television
I bought you.
382
00:14:03,877 --> 00:14:05,407
You can put it
down, sweetie.
383
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:17,017
I'm gonna make us a shake.
384
00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:19,527
Your girlfriend
scares us, Neal.
385
00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:21,059
I know.
386
00:14:21,094 --> 00:14:22,664
I don't care how
much she benches,
387
00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:24,355
I'm definitely breaking
up with her tonight.
388
00:14:24,397 --> 00:14:25,897
JOSH:
Hey, guys.
389
00:14:25,933 --> 00:14:27,603
Can we focus up here, please?
390
00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:30,604
You stole a television
from those scary UFC guys.
391
00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:31,597
Wrong!
392
00:14:31,638 --> 00:14:32,768
How can he be wrong, Barry?
393
00:14:32,805 --> 00:14:34,165
It's not even the same brand!
394
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:36,077
Oh, okay. So you're telling me
395
00:14:36,109 --> 00:14:39,079
that those guys didn't steal
a TV and swap out the labels,
396
00:14:39,112 --> 00:14:41,512
knowing that if I found the TV
and brought it back,
397
00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:43,378
we wouldn't be having
this exact conversation?
398
00:14:43,416 --> 00:14:44,876
Come on, y'all, think!
399
00:14:44,918 --> 00:14:46,588
We got to be like the TV.
400
00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:47,959
We got to be smart!
401
00:14:47,988 --> 00:14:50,358
COOPER:
Classic Lovable Jackass.
402
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:52,490
(crowd cheering)
403
00:14:54,661 --> 00:14:57,031
(cheering continues)
404
00:14:57,064 --> 00:14:59,734
Here's to you being unsuccessful
in personal relationships.
405
00:14:59,766 --> 00:15:01,866
You're just glad I broke up with
my boyfriend, because it means
406
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,201
you get to go to the
Clippers games with me.
You know what?
407
00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:05,737
Telling him you're going
to Brussels for a month
408
00:15:05,772 --> 00:15:07,942
to study tennis elbow
is not technically breaking up.
409
00:15:07,975 --> 00:15:10,705
Wow. Okay, this from a man who
was supposed to leave his job
410
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,983
at Tiger Throb, like,
a year and a half ago.
411
00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:15,923
It's Tiger Thrust,
and I'll have you know,
412
00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:18,149
I may be starting
my own business.
413
00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:19,545
What?
414
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:21,546
Eh, Josh found some investors
for Barry's hangover cure.
415
00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:22,888
Cooper, that's great!
416
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,792
No, no, no,
'cause I probably won't do it.
417
00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:26,734
Most start-ups fail, and...
418
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:28,329
(crowd cheering)
419
00:15:28,361 --> 00:15:31,161
Yeah!
Look, I know
we don't say
420
00:15:31,198 --> 00:15:34,998
a lot of nice things to
each other, but here goes.
421
00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:37,165
You have more potential
than anyone I've ever met.
422
00:15:37,204 --> 00:15:38,974
What have you done
with my friend?
423
00:15:39,006 --> 00:15:40,906
You're being an idiot.
There she is.
424
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:43,580
This is an amazing opportunity.
Don't be afraid to take it.
425
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:45,410
I like you when you're sincere.
426
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:48,675
Oh, good. Because I just
died a little inside.
427
00:15:48,715 --> 00:15:50,245
(chuckles)
(arena horn blows)
428
00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:51,523
Let's go, Clippers!
429
00:15:51,551 --> 00:15:53,151
(cheering)
430
00:15:53,186 --> 00:15:54,916
* Brand-new spirit,
speak and it's done *
431
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:57,494
* Woke up on the side
of the bed like I won *
432
00:15:57,524 --> 00:15:59,194
* Talk like a winner,
my chest to that sun *
433
00:15:59,226 --> 00:16:00,926
* G5 dealer, U.S. to Taiwan
434
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,630
* Now who can say that,
I want a playback *
435
00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:04,302
* Mama knew I was
a needle in a haystack *
436
00:16:04,331 --> 00:16:06,171
* A Bugatti boy, plus Maybach
(both laughing)
437
00:16:06,199 --> 00:16:08,339
* I got a feeling
it's a wrap, ASAP *
438
00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:10,768
* Oh, sometimes
439
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:12,373
* I get a good feeling...
440
00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:14,835
CROWD (chanting):
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
441
00:16:14,874 --> 00:16:16,384
(chanting continues)
442
00:16:16,409 --> 00:16:17,779
* I get a feeling
that I've never... *
443
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:19,980
No. No.
444
00:16:20,013 --> 00:16:22,553
* No, no,
I get a good feeling, yeah... *
445
00:16:22,582 --> 00:16:23,552
(crowd cheering)
446
00:16:23,583 --> 00:16:26,293
* Oh, sometimes
447
00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:28,459
* I get a good feeling,
yeah... *
448
00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:30,458
COOPER:
And if you unexpectedly share
449
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:32,390
a great kiss
with a close friend,
450
00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:34,225
try not to say this:
451
00:16:34,261 --> 00:16:35,531
I got to take a leak.
452
00:16:35,562 --> 00:16:37,832
* I get a good feeling...
453
00:16:37,864 --> 00:16:39,334
I know, I know.
454
00:16:39,366 --> 00:16:41,526
Not my finest moment.
455
00:16:41,568 --> 00:16:45,138
I just...
wanted to take a second
456
00:16:45,172 --> 00:16:47,172
to pull myself together.
457
00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:54,345
Would you mind washing
your hands before you punch me?
458
00:16:55,082 --> 00:16:56,052
(grunts)
459
00:16:56,083 --> 00:16:57,183
(phone ringing)
460
00:16:57,217 --> 00:16:58,317
And now we're all caught up.
461
00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:00,151
Hola.
462
00:17:00,187 --> 00:17:02,217
What happens next?
I...
463
00:17:02,255 --> 00:17:05,185
Your guess is as good as mine.
464
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:10,027
(tires screeching)
465
00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:22,035
Whoa. Those dudes looked
a lot smaller in the dark.
466
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:28,345
(grunting)
467
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:29,721
COOPER:
Suckers!
468
00:17:29,749 --> 00:17:31,879
That's a bad idea.
469
00:17:33,753 --> 00:17:35,193
JOSH:
Gentlemen...
470
00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:38,562
this is a brand-new,
top-of-the-line,
471
00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:41,061
1080p, 4K, HD,
472
00:17:41,094 --> 00:17:43,404
64-inch plasma television.
473
00:17:43,430 --> 00:17:47,070
It's 3D ready,
has a 600-hertz refresh rate,
474
00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:48,540
gesture controls
475
00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:52,068
and a built-in camera
so you can interact
476
00:17:52,105 --> 00:17:55,605
with streaming content
on the Web.
477
00:17:55,642 --> 00:17:57,582
3D?
478
00:17:57,610 --> 00:17:59,080
Yeah, I already said it was 3D.
479
00:17:59,112 --> 00:18:00,482
That was, like,
the first thing I said.
480
00:18:00,513 --> 00:18:02,283
Sorry, you say too many things.
481
00:18:02,315 --> 00:18:04,315
Now...
482
00:18:06,319 --> 00:18:07,949
...can I get my brother back?
483
00:18:07,987 --> 00:18:10,717
*
484
00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:12,187
(sighs)
485
00:18:13,493 --> 00:18:15,093
(laughs)
Okay.
486
00:18:15,128 --> 00:18:17,328
Well, if nobody else
is gonna say anything, I will.
487
00:18:17,364 --> 00:18:19,334
Take a look around
at what happened here.
488
00:18:19,366 --> 00:18:21,826
Maybe in the future,
you could think to act
489
00:18:21,868 --> 00:18:23,468
a little more responsibly
490
00:18:23,503 --> 00:18:25,473
so your friends won't
have to clean up your mess.
491
00:18:25,505 --> 00:18:29,405
COOPER: And when your Jackass
finally takes things too far,
492
00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:32,452
your response has to be handled
just right.
493
00:18:32,479 --> 00:18:33,849
Jackass!
494
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:35,320
(grunting)
495
00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:37,078
Hey, hey!
496
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:38,916
We wound up in this mess,
I was kidnapped,
497
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:40,521
because you put yourself
in charge of something
498
00:18:40,553 --> 00:18:42,863
a grown person should not
put themselves in charge of!
499
00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:44,519
It was a TV!
500
00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:46,857
Now, now, fellas,
don't make me come back there.
501
00:18:46,893 --> 00:18:47,793
(grunts)
502
00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:48,797
(horn blaring)
503
00:18:48,828 --> 00:18:49,958
No! No, no! No!
504
00:18:49,996 --> 00:18:51,996
(all screaming)
505
00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:56,101
COOPER:
Josh!
Wake up! Hey!
506
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:57,465
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Wake up!
507
00:18:57,504 --> 00:19:00,344
(shouting, screaming)
508
00:19:00,373 --> 00:19:03,183
(tires screech)
509
00:19:03,210 --> 00:19:05,140
(panting)
510
00:19:05,178 --> 00:19:06,608
The hell is wrong with you?
511
00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:08,146
Ah...
512
00:19:10,583 --> 00:19:12,453
I loved that TV.
513
00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:14,145
It was a 64-inch
flat-screen, Barry!
514
00:19:14,187 --> 00:19:15,387
We all loved it!
515
00:19:15,422 --> 00:19:17,292
No, you don't understand, man.
516
00:19:17,324 --> 00:19:18,994
The second Josh
brought that in here,
517
00:19:19,025 --> 00:19:21,325
all I seen was the four of us
spending time together.
518
00:19:21,361 --> 00:19:24,901
That TV was a giant
future memory box to me.
519
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:26,831
Somebody tried to take
that away from us,
520
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:28,996
and I wasn't okay with that
'cause I love you guys.
521
00:19:29,035 --> 00:19:31,135
I love
how we live together,
522
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:32,540
how we help
each other out,
523
00:19:32,572 --> 00:19:34,542
and I wanted those
memories, because...
524
00:19:34,574 --> 00:19:36,684
(sighs)
525
00:19:36,709 --> 00:19:39,049
...I know it ain't always
gonna be like this.
526
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:44,750
If I hurt you guys,
I'm really sorry.
527
00:19:44,784 --> 00:19:48,024
I'm really, really sorry.
528
00:19:51,358 --> 00:19:54,158
It's okay, Barry, just...
don't do it again.
529
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:56,263
BARRY: Never. I mean,
unless you guys want me to.
530
00:19:56,296 --> 00:19:58,226
COOPER:
We'll never want you to.
531
00:19:58,265 --> 00:20:00,325
BARRY: You can call me,
"Barry, we need some help."
532
00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:01,727
COOPER: Barry...
BARRY: I'm like
the Ghostbusters.
533
00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:04,598
JOSH:
Okay.
534
00:20:04,637 --> 00:20:05,607
Thanks, dude.
535
00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:06,908
All right.
536
00:20:06,939 --> 00:20:09,539
COOPER:
Okay, so what have we learned?
537
00:20:09,576 --> 00:20:11,906
Never leave your
Jackass unattended,
538
00:20:11,944 --> 00:20:13,414
pay attention to
the warning signs,
539
00:20:13,446 --> 00:20:15,076
and never take
off running
540
00:20:15,114 --> 00:20:17,354
while you still have
a hood over your head.
541
00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:18,954
You need to figure out
your business.
542
00:20:18,985 --> 00:20:20,245
Those investors
aren't gonna wait forever.
543
00:20:20,287 --> 00:20:21,517
I will.
544
00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:23,924
Oh, you and your friends
are exhausting.
545
00:20:23,956 --> 00:20:26,626
I'm gonna go home
to my wife and kids.
546
00:20:26,659 --> 00:20:28,799
Unless you want
to get into something.
I don't think so.
547
00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:30,058
All right.
Okay.
548
00:20:30,096 --> 00:20:31,326
Love you, brother.
549
00:20:34,267 --> 00:20:36,097
One last thing:
550
00:20:36,135 --> 00:20:39,765
don't be afraid to take chances
at this time in your life.
551
00:20:43,276 --> 00:20:44,436
I got kidnapped.
552
00:20:47,146 --> 00:20:49,916
That went a lot better
than I thought it would.
553
00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:51,279
(door opens)
554
00:20:51,318 --> 00:20:52,648
It wasn't working out with Neal.
555
00:20:52,685 --> 00:20:54,785
* Believe me,
been there, done that *
556
00:20:54,821 --> 00:20:57,261
* But every day above ground
is a great day... *
557
00:20:57,290 --> 00:20:58,760
Hey, it's Cooper.
558
00:20:58,791 --> 00:21:01,061
Yeah, I won't be coming in
to work tomorrow.
559
00:21:01,093 --> 00:21:03,063
Or ever.
560
00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:04,295
An opportunity's come up.
561
00:21:04,331 --> 00:21:06,271
* She's gone
562
00:21:06,299 --> 00:21:08,469
* Yeah, she's gone
(pig snorting)
563
00:21:08,501 --> 00:21:10,341
* She's gone, baby, she's gone
564
00:21:10,370 --> 00:21:11,640
* She's gone.
565
00:21:11,671 --> 00:21:14,111
BARRY:
You ever wonder who took our TV?
566
00:21:15,975 --> 00:21:17,975
(roaring, gunfire)
567
00:21:19,011 --> 00:21:20,981
(laughing)
568
00:21:21,013 --> 00:21:22,783
Jackasses.
569
00:21:26,553 --> 00:21:27,953
Yeah.
570
00:21:27,987 --> 00:21:28,987
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
39590
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