Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:07,741 --> 00:00:10,741
[*]
2
00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,914
Look at me now.
Look!
3
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:15,383
My career as a cop is over.
4
00:00:15,483 --> 00:00:18,593
And I guess the hand modeling
is a big question mark now too.
5
00:00:22,056 --> 00:00:25,556
There are other bars
in this world to drink in.
6
00:00:25,659 --> 00:00:27,259
I was thinking about
buying me a house
7
00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:29,161
and havin' turtle fights
in that bitch.
8
00:00:29,263 --> 00:00:30,603
SHADES:
You gotta be kidding me.
9
00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:31,728
Oh, Shades.
10
00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:32,802
[LAUGHS]
11
00:00:35,669 --> 00:00:37,669
[*]
12
00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:49,554
Welcome back to another night
of award-winning television
13
00:00:49,650 --> 00:00:51,320
from Funny or Die.
14
00:00:51,419 --> 00:00:52,989
If you haven't
seen our program yet
15
00:00:53,087 --> 00:00:54,687
then you're
in for a real treat.
16
00:00:54,788 --> 00:00:56,888
On the other hand,
if you've been following us
17
00:00:56,990 --> 00:00:58,190
from the very beginning,
18
00:00:58,292 --> 00:01:00,592
then you'll know
I'm lying to your face.
19
00:01:00,694 --> 00:01:04,064
That's what I do. I'm in sales
and I'm a trained liar.
20
00:01:04,165 --> 00:01:05,365
Now, who are we?
21
00:01:05,466 --> 00:01:08,196
What do we do
at Funny or Die?
22
00:01:08,302 --> 00:01:09,942
I couldn't tell you.
23
00:01:10,037 --> 00:01:11,237
But if I had to guess,
24
00:01:11,339 --> 00:01:12,969
I'd say Funny or Die
25
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:15,743
is something to do
with the Internet.
26
00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:18,883
What is the Internet beyond a
bunch of pornographic images?
27
00:01:18,979 --> 00:01:20,179
Beats me.
28
00:01:20,281 --> 00:01:21,751
But let's imagine the Internet
29
00:01:21,849 --> 00:01:26,219
as this big colorful ball
of wires and cables, okay?
30
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:29,220
Now, imagine an online
comedy destination
31
00:01:29,323 --> 00:01:31,093
somewhere in the middle
of all this crap.
32
00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:34,532
As I understand it,
that's Funny or Die.
33
00:01:34,628 --> 00:01:36,628
The future of comedy
entertainment,
34
00:01:36,730 --> 00:01:39,470
proudly sharing a network
of interconnected wires
35
00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:42,567
and satellite transmissions
with penises and vaginas.
36
00:01:42,670 --> 00:01:45,270
And here's the really
exciting part.
37
00:01:45,373 --> 00:01:47,983
Somehow we've taken
this ball of wire
38
00:01:48,075 --> 00:01:51,475
and managed to put together
one half hour of spectacular,
39
00:01:51,579 --> 00:01:54,079
revolutionary television
programming.
40
00:01:54,182 --> 00:01:55,722
So enjoy.
41
00:01:55,816 --> 00:01:58,216
[*]
42
00:02:20,508 --> 00:02:23,178
ANNOUNCER:
Tonight,
on the Funny or Die Network:
43
00:02:23,277 --> 00:02:24,747
From Tim and Eric,
44
00:02:24,845 --> 00:02:28,815
it's Just 3 Boyz,
a new sitcom in three parts,
45
00:02:28,916 --> 00:02:30,976
featuring Zach Galifianakis.
46
00:02:31,084 --> 00:02:35,364
And from Rob Huebel
the continuing saga of Holdup.
47
00:02:35,456 --> 00:02:37,956
And a new music video
48
00:02:38,058 --> 00:02:39,928
from Mike O'Connell.
49
00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:47,596
* Well, sometimes life
Just makes you come undone *
50
00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:49,341
* And you need your boys
Around you *
51
00:02:49,437 --> 00:02:51,707
* If you're gonna make the best
For everyone *
52
00:02:51,805 --> 00:02:54,405
* You might think
That you don't need 'em *
53
00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:56,078
* But you find
It's hard to beat 'em *
54
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:58,076
* It's Just 3 Boyz *
55
00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:00,948
* Livin' in the same old house
In the neighborhood *
56
00:03:01,048 --> 00:03:02,778
* Just 3 Boyz *
57
00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:05,053
* No matter whether times
Are bad or times are good *
58
00:03:05,152 --> 00:03:07,152
* Just 3 Boyz *
59
00:03:07,255 --> 00:03:08,915
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
60
00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:10,762
You dust,
now you clean.
61
00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:12,088
You polish,
then you dust!
62
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,662
Right.
63
00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:15,695
Now watch.
64
00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:16,796
[SQUEAKING]
65
00:03:18,932 --> 00:03:20,602
Hurry.
66
00:03:22,135 --> 00:03:23,295
[SHADES COUGHS]
67
00:03:23,404 --> 00:03:24,844
Watch it with
that duster, asshole.
68
00:03:24,938 --> 00:03:26,338
Oh, Shades.
69
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:28,240
Would you hurry up?
He's gonna be here any minute!
70
00:03:28,342 --> 00:03:30,582
I'm cleaning as fast
as I can!
71
00:03:41,455 --> 00:03:42,515
[DOORBELL RINGS]
72
00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:45,233
[*]
73
00:03:45,326 --> 00:03:46,556
Okay, we can do this.
74
00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:49,160
Jesus, come on.
What? Is, uh, George Clooney
75
00:03:49,263 --> 00:03:50,803
coming over here,
with, uh,
76
00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:53,968
what, his Ocean's Eleven
wrap party, schmucks?
77
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:55,767
BOTH:
Come in!
78
00:03:55,869 --> 00:03:57,769
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
79
00:03:57,871 --> 00:03:59,671
[CLEARS THROAT]
80
00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:00,873
Uh, hi, Zach.
81
00:04:00,974 --> 00:04:04,354
[*]
82
00:04:06,714 --> 00:04:09,254
Welcome home, Z-Za--
Zach.
83
00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:12,118
Hi, Shades.
84
00:04:12,219 --> 00:04:14,559
Holy Christ.
85
00:04:14,655 --> 00:04:16,185
I think we should wave hi.
Yeah.
86
00:04:16,290 --> 00:04:17,490
Say how you doing.
Mm-hm.
87
00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,061
And go around
and give him a hug.
88
00:04:19,159 --> 00:04:21,259
I say it's a great idea.
Yeah.
89
00:04:22,430 --> 00:04:24,030
Oh, my goodness, you--
Don't touch me.
90
00:04:24,131 --> 00:04:25,871
You got tall.
Don't touch me, please.
91
00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:27,196
Come here.
Don't kiss me.
92
00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:28,241
Come on.
Big man on campus.
93
00:04:28,336 --> 00:04:29,796
So good to have you home.
94
00:04:29,903 --> 00:04:32,013
Really looking good.
Yeah.
95
00:04:34,408 --> 00:04:36,878
What's with
the cameras?
96
00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:38,007
What's that?
97
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:40,081
Why are there
cameras here?
98
00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:43,950
Oh.
99
00:04:45,453 --> 00:04:47,293
TIM: Okay?
ERIC: Come on in.
100
00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:49,288
Uh, it's me. Sit,
make yourself at home, Zach.
101
00:04:49,390 --> 00:04:51,990
Come on,
you know where everything is.
102
00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:54,132
Its good to have you
back, man!
103
00:04:54,227 --> 00:04:55,927
It is good to have you back.
Thank you.
104
00:04:56,029 --> 00:04:57,469
What do you got in there?
105
00:04:57,565 --> 00:04:59,495
Just a few things that
I bought you from my college.
106
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:01,370
I wanna hear all about
this college thing
107
00:05:01,469 --> 00:05:02,999
you've been
up to anyways.
108
00:05:03,103 --> 00:05:04,973
[*]
109
00:05:05,072 --> 00:05:06,772
You--?
You wanted to do what?
110
00:05:06,874 --> 00:05:08,544
I just-- I wanted
to hear more about
111
00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:10,742
your c-- At college.
When you're at college.
112
00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:12,414
So...
113
00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:15,623
You better watch your mouth.
114
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:20,791
It's down in here
somewhere.
115
00:05:22,856 --> 00:05:26,786
[*]
116
00:05:29,963 --> 00:05:32,773
[RATTLING]
117
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:38,567
All right.
118
00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:40,142
So, Eric.
119
00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:41,540
Thank you.
This...
120
00:05:41,642 --> 00:05:43,342
I don't know if you
have one of these but...
121
00:05:43,444 --> 00:05:44,614
I don't, thank you so much.
Okay.
122
00:05:44,712 --> 00:05:46,612
And I thought
this was--
123
00:05:46,714 --> 00:05:48,224
Those are so cool,
thank you so much.
124
00:05:48,315 --> 00:05:49,775
[LAUGHS]
125
00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:54,590
They think they're human.
126
00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:58,588
Are those for me, or--?
Nope, they're not for you.
127
00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:00,690
Who are they for?
128
00:06:00,794 --> 00:06:02,534
They're for you.
Oh, thank you, Zach!
129
00:06:02,630 --> 00:06:04,500
ZACH:
And uh, Tim?
130
00:06:04,598 --> 00:06:07,328
Here. I got you that.
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
131
00:06:07,435 --> 00:06:09,135
Oh, yeah,
it's an animal college shirt.
132
00:06:09,236 --> 00:06:10,136
Thank you very much.
133
00:06:10,237 --> 00:06:11,737
Put it on, Tim.
134
00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:13,069
It's his present.
135
00:06:13,173 --> 00:06:15,483
I don't need to put it on now.
I'll just wear it later. So...
136
00:06:15,576 --> 00:06:16,636
He should put it on now.
137
00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:18,214
Yeah, you should
put it on now.
138
00:06:18,311 --> 00:06:19,511
[*]
139
00:06:19,613 --> 00:06:21,053
I would
honestly,
140
00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:22,218
rather try it on later.
141
00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:24,615
He should try it on
right now.
142
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:26,218
You gotta
put it on now.
143
00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:27,919
Zach, I would like
to put it on later.
144
00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:30,321
He's being ungrateful,
he should put it on right now.
145
00:06:30,424 --> 00:06:32,634
It's--
It's amazing. What?
146
00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:34,826
I don't know what the deal is.
I'll try it on later.
147
00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:36,798
Fucking put it on!
148
00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:38,627
Then I'll put it on.
149
00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:41,072
[*]
150
00:06:41,168 --> 00:06:44,708
I don't see what the big
deal is. It's just a shirt.
151
00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:52,178
It's an extra-medium.
152
00:06:52,279 --> 00:06:53,449
I actually do like it.
153
00:06:53,547 --> 00:06:55,117
What, nothing for
the lamp of the house?
154
00:06:55,215 --> 00:06:58,015
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
155
00:06:58,118 --> 00:07:00,988
* Just 3 Boyz *
156
00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:03,788
[*]
157
00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:11,160
ANNOUNCER:
Previously on Holdup:
158
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,834
Everybody get your white asses
on the floor right now!
159
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,044
Don't shoot!
160
00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:16,695
[SCREAMING]
161
00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:18,774
There are at least
two armed gunmen inside.
162
00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:21,512
And they have taken
several hostages.
163
00:07:21,609 --> 00:07:22,809
I need your head
in the game.
164
00:07:22,910 --> 00:07:24,480
You're the best psychic
on the force.
165
00:07:24,578 --> 00:07:26,108
Your hands are so soft.
166
00:07:26,213 --> 00:07:27,583
I'm gonna call 'em in here.
167
00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:30,181
I'm gonna trade 'em the coke
for my freedom. See you.
168
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:32,023
MAXINE: Help me!
[GUNSHOTS]
169
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:34,419
[ALL SCREAMING]
170
00:07:34,522 --> 00:07:35,562
What the hell happened?
171
00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:37,926
Yippie-ki-yay,
motherfuckers?
172
00:07:38,025 --> 00:07:40,225
[*]
173
00:07:43,430 --> 00:07:45,630
[*]
174
00:07:49,369 --> 00:07:52,739
With me now are the two head
police hostage negotiators,
175
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:55,510
Captain Rollins and Doheny.
Gentleman, what's the plan?
176
00:07:55,609 --> 00:07:57,479
Well, first of all
I'd like to make the point
177
00:07:57,578 --> 00:07:58,848
that you are in
no way Hispanic,
178
00:07:58,946 --> 00:08:00,806
although you go by
the name Rodriguez.
179
00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:02,184
Doesn't matter.
180
00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:05,752
Uh, we're projecting a film
to demoralize the gunmen.
181
00:08:05,853 --> 00:08:08,263
It's The Happening
by M. Night Shyamala.
182
00:08:08,355 --> 00:08:09,615
And it's a horrible film.
183
00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:11,563
Okay, that's great,
but there's no audio.
184
00:08:11,659 --> 00:08:13,659
Uh, the audio isn't working
right now.
185
00:08:13,761 --> 00:08:16,431
But if they do come outside
and watch the film,
186
00:08:16,530 --> 00:08:18,570
they will be demoralized.
187
00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:21,640
[LOUD SNIFFING]
188
00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:25,244
[SNIFFING]
189
00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:29,911
Maxine?
190
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,280
Oh, God.
191
00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:33,778
I just wanna tell you,
I'm so sorry.
192
00:08:33,881 --> 00:08:35,151
I don't know
what happened.
193
00:08:35,248 --> 00:08:37,318
I-- I froze up there.
194
00:08:37,417 --> 00:08:39,287
Yeah, well, look at me now.
Look!
195
00:08:39,386 --> 00:08:41,786
My career as a cop is over.
196
00:08:41,889 --> 00:08:45,629
And I guess the hand modeling
is a big question mark now too.
197
00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:47,426
Well, I feel terrible.
198
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:49,057
I mean, you are
a really hot girl.
199
00:08:49,162 --> 00:08:50,732
And now this.
200
00:08:50,831 --> 00:08:52,971
Maybe you'll have some
self-esteem problems.
201
00:08:53,066 --> 00:08:55,236
And after
I get us out of here,
202
00:08:55,335 --> 00:08:56,835
maybe one day
we could go out.
203
00:08:56,937 --> 00:08:59,237
We're not getting out of here.
204
00:08:59,339 --> 00:09:01,239
HUEBEL:
Guys, trust me.
205
00:09:01,341 --> 00:09:03,581
This time
I got a different plan.
206
00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:07,146
Hey, yeah.
207
00:09:07,247 --> 00:09:08,547
Hey, man.
208
00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:10,519
What is you gonna do
with your half?
209
00:09:10,618 --> 00:09:12,388
I was thinking about buying me
a house, man,
210
00:09:12,485 --> 00:09:14,215
and having turtle fights
in that bitch.
211
00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:15,461
Everybody gotta have a dream.
212
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,315
Even Martin Luther King
had a dream.
213
00:09:17,424 --> 00:09:19,494
Never heard of him, nigga.
214
00:09:19,593 --> 00:09:21,333
What you gonna do with
your spilt of the cash?
215
00:09:21,428 --> 00:09:23,058
Oh, man.
I don't really know, man.
216
00:09:23,163 --> 00:09:25,473
You know, at first I just wanted
to come up in here and shoot
217
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,595
the whole fuckin' place up
like Ghostbusters.
218
00:09:27,701 --> 00:09:29,871
Yeah, I love me some
motherfuckin' ghosts.
219
00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:32,610
But now that I got
a chance to dream, man?
220
00:09:32,706 --> 00:09:35,776
There's only one way to spend
this money right.
221
00:09:35,876 --> 00:09:37,676
Come on, Doheny,
get inside their minds.
222
00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:40,178
I need to know
what they're thinking.
223
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:41,880
[*]
224
00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:44,152
[LAUGHING]
225
00:09:47,888 --> 00:09:48,788
Ugh!
226
00:09:48,889 --> 00:09:51,259
I think I may
be losing my gift.
227
00:09:51,358 --> 00:09:52,488
Shit.
228
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:55,032
[*]
229
00:09:55,128 --> 00:09:56,728
[WHISPERING]
Everybody, follow me.
230
00:09:56,830 --> 00:09:58,730
No, follow me.
Follow me.
231
00:09:58,832 --> 00:10:00,232
Follow me.
I'm the leader.
232
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:01,533
I'm the professional.
233
00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:03,035
Wait.
Who do we follow?
234
00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:03,996
Me.
235
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:07,644
[*]
236
00:10:19,486 --> 00:10:21,716
Oh, no!
You're escaping without me!
237
00:10:22,756 --> 00:10:24,356
Hey, get these motherfuckers!
238
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:26,327
[*]
239
00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:29,126
Get your bitch-ass
back inside!
240
00:10:29,229 --> 00:10:30,459
You dumb
motherfuckers.
241
00:10:30,563 --> 00:10:32,273
Where the fuck are
you supposed to go?
242
00:10:32,365 --> 00:10:33,465
Stupid motherfucker.
243
00:10:33,566 --> 00:10:37,566
[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
244
00:10:37,671 --> 00:10:39,211
[GRUNTS]
245
00:10:39,306 --> 00:10:42,036
ROBBER 1:
So stupid.
246
00:10:44,511 --> 00:10:45,681
Shots fired!
247
00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:47,279
Shots fired from inside
of the bank.
248
00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:48,680
As the standoff continues.
249
00:10:48,782 --> 00:10:52,052
Rodriguez, roll on this.
I'm ending this thing.
250
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:55,422
Rollins, don't do it.
They'll kill you.
251
00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:57,292
Not surrounded
by civilians, he wont.
252
00:10:57,390 --> 00:10:58,560
Come on, all of you,
let's go.
253
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,258
I need your help.
Let's go, come on.
254
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:01,560
Under the tape.
255
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,231
Okay, you're gonna
be my human shield.
256
00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:05,600
Don't worry, they don't wanna
kill you, they wanna kill me.
257
00:11:05,699 --> 00:11:06,769
You're completely safe.
258
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:09,397
Slowly. Don't worry.
259
00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:12,342
Relax.
We'll all go as a team.
260
00:11:12,439 --> 00:11:14,669
We're all innocent civilians.
261
00:11:14,775 --> 00:11:16,635
[GROWLING]
262
00:11:16,744 --> 00:11:20,484
[ALL SCREAMING]
263
00:11:20,580 --> 00:11:22,480
Shit!
[BOTH LAUGHING]
264
00:11:22,582 --> 00:11:25,392
Shit, shit, shit, shit, fuck!
265
00:11:25,485 --> 00:11:27,515
Don't you air that, Rodriguez!
266
00:11:27,620 --> 00:11:29,660
Don't you fucking
air that!
267
00:11:29,757 --> 00:11:31,017
[*]
268
00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:33,134
ANNOUNCER:
Next time, on Holdup:
269
00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:35,926
Oh.
270
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:38,369
[SIGHS]
271
00:11:38,465 --> 00:11:40,925
Oh, I miss you, sweetheart.
272
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:44,104
WOMAN:
No, please, no!
Oh, my God!
273
00:11:45,472 --> 00:11:47,472
[*]
274
00:11:50,778 --> 00:11:52,978
[*]
275
00:11:58,318 --> 00:12:01,248
* Just 3 Boyz *
276
00:12:01,354 --> 00:12:03,624
All right, guys.
277
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:06,493
Special gift
for a special guy.
278
00:12:06,593 --> 00:12:08,233
BOTH:
Chicken!
279
00:12:08,328 --> 00:12:10,658
I hate chicken! I hate it!
280
00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:12,804
What are you talking about?
Get off!
281
00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:14,100
It's a good bird.
282
00:12:14,201 --> 00:12:16,371
Keep that shit away from me!
Hey, hey, hey.
283
00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:17,909
Look out.
Get off of me!
284
00:12:18,005 --> 00:12:19,865
Chill.
No, you chill.
285
00:12:19,973 --> 00:12:21,883
Let's sit down and
let's talk about this.
286
00:12:21,975 --> 00:12:24,475
Come on.
Calm down.
287
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:27,107
Would you shut your claptrap
and start telling me
288
00:12:27,214 --> 00:12:29,484
what exactly this
non-liking of chicken
289
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:31,182
is all about
all of a sudden, Jack?
290
00:12:31,284 --> 00:12:32,624
[*]
291
00:12:32,719 --> 00:12:36,259
When I was just starting out
in med school,
292
00:12:36,356 --> 00:12:39,086
I had a bird,
a beautiful bird.
293
00:12:39,192 --> 00:12:41,262
One of the most beautiful birds
I've ever known.
294
00:12:41,361 --> 00:12:44,161
I used to walk it,
I used to talk to it.
295
00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:47,174
Been saving it for a special
occasion and my roommate,
296
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,137
I caught him
297
00:12:49,236 --> 00:12:51,866
masturbating in
the chest cavity of the bird.
298
00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:53,672
TIM:
Zach, I...
299
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:55,543
[SIGHS]
300
00:12:55,642 --> 00:12:56,612
...am so sorry,
301
00:12:56,709 --> 00:12:58,479
that that happened to you.
302
00:12:58,578 --> 00:13:00,108
Did you come
[BLEEP] chicken?
303
00:13:00,213 --> 00:13:01,483
No, this is
a clean bird.
304
00:13:01,581 --> 00:13:02,781
I didn't come in that [BLEEP].
305
00:13:02,883 --> 00:13:05,393
Did you come [BLEEP]
into this chicken?
306
00:13:05,485 --> 00:13:07,145
I didn't come
[BLEEP] chicken.
307
00:13:07,254 --> 00:13:09,394
Look at me! [BLEEP]
You come into this chicken?
308
00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:11,789
No! I came in your toothbrush,
[BLEEP] all right?
309
00:13:11,892 --> 00:13:13,462
[BLEEP] I didn't come
in your [BLEEP]
310
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:15,530
It's a clean bird, Zach!
I didn't come in the chicken.
311
00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:17,998
Are you guys gonna get
to do the horn when I synch?
312
00:13:18,098 --> 00:13:19,468
I mean--
I think we're--
313
00:13:19,566 --> 00:13:21,766
I think we should-- We'll be
able to do that in post.
314
00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:23,739
Synch it up. When we say
"come," you hit the honk.
315
00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:25,037
I don't think
that's an issue.
316
00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:26,538
I think we can
do it in post.
317
00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:28,239
He's standing there
with a horn.
318
00:13:28,341 --> 00:13:30,041
Can I get
some more water?
Sure.
319
00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:31,113
Oh.
320
00:13:31,211 --> 00:13:32,651
Here you go.
Thank you very much.
321
00:13:32,745 --> 00:13:33,975
Oh, that's plenty.
322
00:13:34,081 --> 00:13:36,121
Thank you very much.
Could I have some?
323
00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:38,086
Okay.
324
00:13:38,185 --> 00:13:39,745
All of it,
just bring it.
325
00:13:39,853 --> 00:13:40,923
Keep going.
More?
326
00:13:41,021 --> 00:13:42,391
That's all--
Yep.
327
00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:43,619
There you go.
Thank you.
328
00:13:43,723 --> 00:13:44,963
You know what?
I don't have any.
329
00:13:45,058 --> 00:13:46,958
Can I get some?
Yeah.
330
00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:49,295
Thank you, sir.
Cheers to you.
331
00:13:49,396 --> 00:13:51,196
I'm sorry,
I don't wanna be rude.
332
00:13:51,298 --> 00:13:53,598
Do you mind just--
Oh, yeah.
333
00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:54,970
Thank you.
334
00:13:55,068 --> 00:13:56,568
Finally, a little glass of--
335
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,539
So parched. Sorry.
336
00:13:58,638 --> 00:13:59,868
Okay.
337
00:13:59,973 --> 00:14:01,413
Is that good or should--
Please.
338
00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:03,508
A little more?
Just a little bit more.
339
00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:06,110
Just tilt the bottom up
a little bit like that.
340
00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:07,253
Down the hatch.
Cheers.
341
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:08,247
Ah!
342
00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,048
Actually,
I'm pretty thirsty myself.
343
00:14:10,150 --> 00:14:11,850
ZACH:
Not an issue.
344
00:14:11,952 --> 00:14:13,852
Oh, yeah.
345
00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:25,630
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
346
00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:29,795
Okay.
347
00:14:29,903 --> 00:14:32,113
[*]
348
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:34,905
Mm. That just
about does it.
349
00:14:36,043 --> 00:14:37,883
Can we just eat?
350
00:14:37,978 --> 00:14:39,578
I'm not gonna eat anything,
but go ahead.
351
00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:41,949
I thought I was gonna have
to eat my own fist.
352
00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:43,579
Love this chicken.
353
00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:47,623
Good bird, Zach.
354
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,120
This is some good bird.
355
00:14:50,357 --> 00:14:52,227
It's a good bird.
TIM: Mm-hm.
356
00:14:52,325 --> 00:14:54,625
There's a sour b--
Business in here.
357
00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:56,627
[FOOD SLURPING]
358
00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:07,208
Hey!
359
00:15:07,307 --> 00:15:08,007
Oops.
360
00:15:08,108 --> 00:15:09,008
[DOORBELL RINGS]
361
00:15:09,109 --> 00:15:10,509
That must be Christopher.
362
00:15:10,610 --> 00:15:12,610
[*]
363
00:15:24,992 --> 00:15:26,362
BOTH:
It's Christopher.
364
00:15:26,459 --> 00:15:29,129
Zach, a little bird told me
you were back.
365
00:15:29,229 --> 00:15:30,829
And I had to come
welcome you.
366
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:32,400
[LAUGHS]
367
00:15:32,499 --> 00:15:34,069
Mm!
368
00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:35,997
ALL:
Hi, Christopher.
369
00:15:36,103 --> 00:15:38,943
Why don't you guys come in,
have a seat?
370
00:15:39,039 --> 00:15:41,039
Oh, anywhere you want.
Sit anywhere you want.
371
00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:42,311
I probably
shouldn't sit here,
372
00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:45,449
that's where Zach
could sit. There.
373
00:15:45,545 --> 00:15:47,305
I'll sit...
374
00:15:47,414 --> 00:15:49,584
...here.
375
00:15:49,682 --> 00:15:50,752
You wanna sit--?
376
00:15:50,850 --> 00:15:52,190
Zach, why don't you sit
377
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,745
over here.
I'm not comfortable here.
378
00:15:54,854 --> 00:15:56,964
I'll just sit over h--
I'll sit here.
379
00:15:57,057 --> 00:15:58,787
Okay, you sit over there,
I'll sit here.
380
00:15:58,891 --> 00:16:00,891
Ah, fuck this.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
381
00:16:00,994 --> 00:16:03,164
Okay, okay.
382
00:16:03,263 --> 00:16:04,833
Watch out, watch out.
Oh, watch out.
383
00:16:04,931 --> 00:16:07,001
Ooh. Okay,
okay, watch out.
384
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:09,200
This isn't working.
All right.
385
00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:11,672
Wait. Okay, th--
There you go.
386
00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:12,971
Okay.
387
00:16:13,073 --> 00:16:15,483
And I'll sit. Okay.
388
00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:17,575
I'll just--
389
00:16:17,677 --> 00:16:19,777
Well, I'll just sit here.
390
00:16:19,879 --> 00:16:22,819
I'll sit right here.
That's fine.
391
00:16:22,915 --> 00:16:24,215
That's for you.
392
00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:26,017
Oh, wow.
ZACH: Thank you.
393
00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:32,729
[*]
394
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:34,725
Mm-hm.
395
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:35,827
[CHUCKLES]
396
00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:37,658
[SNIFFS]
397
00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:38,804
It's organic.
398
00:16:38,898 --> 00:16:41,728
[*]
399
00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:56,215
[SOBBING]
400
00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:58,516
Get the fuck out of here!
401
00:16:58,618 --> 00:17:01,888
[SCREAMING]
402
00:17:01,988 --> 00:17:05,158
[ALL SCREAMING
IN DISTORTED VOICES]
403
00:17:06,659 --> 00:17:09,559
Get the fuck out!
404
00:17:09,662 --> 00:17:11,902
Get the fuck out!
405
00:17:11,998 --> 00:17:13,368
[ALL SCREAMING]
406
00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:14,826
Fuck!
407
00:17:14,934 --> 00:17:17,504
[SOBBING]
408
00:17:17,604 --> 00:17:19,374
Shh, shh.
409
00:17:19,472 --> 00:17:22,212
Oh, shh, shh.
410
00:17:22,309 --> 00:17:23,939
You guys
wanna play pinball?
411
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:25,383
Yes, yes.
412
00:17:25,478 --> 00:17:26,778
[*]
413
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:29,579
[ALL IMITATING TRAIN CHUGGING]
414
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:35,923
Here we are.
415
00:17:36,022 --> 00:17:37,062
You gotta be kidding me.
416
00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:39,827
Oh, Shades.
Ha-ha-ha!
417
00:17:39,926 --> 00:17:42,226
[*]
418
00:17:44,831 --> 00:17:47,631
* Just 3 Boyz *
419
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:49,744
[*]
420
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:56,440
[*]
421
00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:58,954
CROWD:
Wow!
422
00:17:59,045 --> 00:18:02,545
[*]
423
00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:04,979
That's the last time we put up
with your bullshit, man.
424
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:06,424
[SCOFFS]
425
00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:09,389
Do you have any idea
who you're talking to?
426
00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:12,459
Yeah,
a disgusting alcoholic.
427
00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:14,129
Well,
428
00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:17,057
that is a very, very,
429
00:18:17,164 --> 00:18:20,574
short-sighted explanation,
430
00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:23,237
of my character.
431
00:18:26,005 --> 00:18:28,205
Roy!
432
00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:30,238
You're looking
good tonight.
433
00:18:30,343 --> 00:18:32,583
Don't you worry about
that asshole, Roy.
434
00:18:32,679 --> 00:18:35,819
There are other bars
in this world to drink in.
435
00:18:35,915 --> 00:18:37,775
[RINGS BELL]
And tonight, Roy,
436
00:18:37,884 --> 00:18:39,624
we find them.
437
00:18:39,719 --> 00:18:41,719
[*]
438
00:18:56,803 --> 00:19:01,613
* I've had a Singapore sling
From a trough outside Gary *
439
00:19:01,708 --> 00:19:06,148
* And dozens of whiskeys
With a lass from Tipperary *
440
00:19:06,246 --> 00:19:10,446
* A Pabst in Iraq
And a Bud by the Sphinx *
441
00:19:10,550 --> 00:19:15,120
* My God, I've sure
Had some drinks *
442
00:19:15,222 --> 00:19:17,322
* Martinis in Moscow
443
00:19:17,424 --> 00:19:19,734
* Greyhounds at The Hague
444
00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:21,856
* Manhattans in Sweden
445
00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:25,771
* Gin Rickeys in space
446
00:19:25,865 --> 00:19:31,035
* A mai tai in My Lai
Before the massacre *
447
00:19:31,137 --> 00:19:33,037
* A Rob Roy in Saint Croix
448
00:19:33,139 --> 00:19:36,139
* Before the bastards
Cut me off *
449
00:19:36,243 --> 00:19:39,353
* I'm unfit
And my memory stinks *
450
00:19:39,446 --> 00:19:44,176
* But, my God, I've sure
Had some drinks *
451
00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:48,724
* People, they tell me
That I should slow down *
452
00:19:48,821 --> 00:19:54,861
* But I'm still here
And the world, it spins 'round *
453
00:19:54,961 --> 00:19:57,531
* So I'll go to the bar
454
00:19:57,630 --> 00:20:00,130
* Who fuckin' cares
What they think? *
455
00:20:00,233 --> 00:20:03,743
* Christ knows
It's time for a drink *
456
00:20:05,137 --> 00:20:07,537
[*]
457
00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:26,456
[*]
458
00:20:28,961 --> 00:20:30,961
[*]
459
00:20:35,902 --> 00:20:38,712
* Just 3 Boyz *
460
00:20:38,805 --> 00:20:40,635
[*]
461
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:43,080
Those are starting to smell
pretty good for an omelet.
462
00:20:43,175 --> 00:20:44,605
Just you wait, Tim.
463
00:20:44,711 --> 00:20:46,081
Good morning.
464
00:20:46,178 --> 00:20:47,548
Good morning.
Hey, Zach.
465
00:20:47,647 --> 00:20:49,377
You are looking good
this morning.
466
00:20:49,482 --> 00:20:50,682
I feel good.
Who wants some eggs?
467
00:20:50,783 --> 00:20:53,293
Oh, please.
I'll take some eggs.
468
00:20:53,386 --> 00:20:55,046
Eggs? Doubled.
469
00:20:55,154 --> 00:20:56,324
Mm.
There you are.
470
00:20:56,423 --> 00:20:57,523
Smell better
than they look.
471
00:20:57,624 --> 00:20:59,394
Zach, it's so good
having you back.
472
00:20:59,492 --> 00:21:01,292
Yeah.
I just wanna apologize
473
00:21:01,394 --> 00:21:03,134
for yesterday--
What? Can you--?
474
00:21:03,229 --> 00:21:05,469
Um, yesterday
was such a disaster,
475
00:21:05,565 --> 00:21:06,665
we just felt
so bad about it.
476
00:21:06,766 --> 00:21:08,536
We got you
a little surprise.
477
00:21:08,635 --> 00:21:10,665
It's a horse massage gift
certificate. Take a look.
478
00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:13,140
ERIC:
There you go.
A horse massage
479
00:21:13,239 --> 00:21:14,569
is a state-of-the-art
treatment.
480
00:21:14,674 --> 00:21:17,384
You get a real horse.
Something to do with the hooves.
481
00:21:17,477 --> 00:21:18,807
That's what makes it
so special.
482
00:21:18,911 --> 00:21:22,651
I've heard about this.
This is really, really nice.
483
00:21:22,749 --> 00:21:24,319
Cancel your plans
for this afternoon
484
00:21:24,417 --> 00:21:25,947
because
it's happening today.
485
00:21:26,052 --> 00:21:28,462
Okay, cool.
[PHONE RINGING]
486
00:21:30,222 --> 00:21:31,622
Thank you.
487
00:21:31,724 --> 00:21:34,764
Tim Heidecker's phone.
Who may I ask is calling?
488
00:21:34,861 --> 00:21:36,431
What?
No, I can't do it tomorrow.
489
00:21:36,529 --> 00:21:38,369
No, it has to be today.
That's not fair.
490
00:21:38,465 --> 00:21:40,965
You're being
a bad businessman.
491
00:21:41,067 --> 00:21:42,497
Well, this is--
No, well, then
492
00:21:42,602 --> 00:21:45,042
forget it, cancel it.
Fuck you. Unbelievable.
493
00:21:45,137 --> 00:21:48,337
Eric, a word.
494
00:21:48,441 --> 00:21:49,911
That was
the horse massage people.
495
00:21:50,009 --> 00:21:52,039
They're not coming today,
they cancelled.
496
00:21:52,144 --> 00:21:53,514
What do we gonna do?
I don't know,
497
00:21:53,613 --> 00:21:54,983
but I'm not telling him,
498
00:21:55,081 --> 00:21:56,321
he's not getting
a horse massage,
499
00:21:56,416 --> 00:21:58,046
after all the things
he's been through.
500
00:21:58,150 --> 00:22:00,150
Shh.
I don't--
501
00:22:00,252 --> 00:22:01,892
I think I have
a solution.
502
00:22:01,988 --> 00:22:04,018
[DOORBELL RINGS]
503
00:22:04,123 --> 00:22:06,533
* Just 3 Boyz *
504
00:22:08,695 --> 00:22:11,895
Zach,
your horse massage is here!
505
00:22:11,998 --> 00:22:14,898
Okay,
send up the horse.
506
00:22:15,001 --> 00:22:19,071
[*]
507
00:22:19,171 --> 00:22:21,841
ERIC:
Careful.
508
00:22:21,941 --> 00:22:23,111
TIM:
Watch it.
509
00:22:23,209 --> 00:22:24,909
Walk like
a regular horse.
510
00:22:25,011 --> 00:22:27,951
Hey, do me favor.
Just don't shit on the floor.
511
00:22:28,047 --> 00:22:29,817
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
512
00:22:29,916 --> 00:22:32,046
Ahem. Come in.
513
00:22:32,151 --> 00:22:33,821
[NEIGHS]
Hi.
514
00:22:35,154 --> 00:22:36,494
How you doing?
515
00:22:36,589 --> 00:22:40,029
Just de-robe,
I guess.
516
00:22:40,126 --> 00:22:42,286
I've never had a horse massage.
517
00:22:42,395 --> 00:22:43,825
I've heard about it, so...
518
00:22:43,930 --> 00:22:44,760
[NEIGHS]
519
00:22:44,864 --> 00:22:47,174
I really could use
a massage.
520
00:22:47,266 --> 00:22:49,736
I've been so stressed out.
521
00:22:49,836 --> 00:22:52,266
[SNORTS]
522
00:22:52,371 --> 00:22:54,341
You know what?
Can we, uh--
523
00:22:54,441 --> 00:22:56,641
Can we just cut
to the chase here?
524
00:22:56,743 --> 00:23:00,483
Can we just do a
happy beginning massage?
525
00:23:02,381 --> 00:23:04,181
BOTH [WHISPERING]:
I think we should do it.
526
00:23:04,283 --> 00:23:05,423
Use your hands
and take the cock
527
00:23:05,518 --> 00:23:06,918
and just stoke it
until he comes.
528
00:23:07,019 --> 00:23:09,259
He'll think it's from
a horse with these hooves.
529
00:23:09,355 --> 00:23:10,785
Yeah.
He'll never know.
530
00:23:10,890 --> 00:23:12,830
[NEIGHS]
531
00:23:12,925 --> 00:23:14,225
[*]
532
00:23:14,326 --> 00:23:16,426
[PANTING]
533
00:23:20,032 --> 00:23:22,032
Oh, come on.
534
00:23:22,134 --> 00:23:24,744
[SQUEAKING]
535
00:23:24,837 --> 00:23:27,237
ERIC:
He's not getting hard.
536
00:23:27,339 --> 00:23:29,679
I'm gonna use
my mouth.
537
00:23:29,776 --> 00:23:30,906
[NEIGHS]
538
00:23:31,010 --> 00:23:34,350
[TIM GAGGING]
539
00:23:34,447 --> 00:23:36,377
Is he getting hard?
540
00:23:36,483 --> 00:23:38,923
No.
[NEIGHS]
541
00:23:39,018 --> 00:23:41,088
Tim, Eric. Stop.
542
00:23:41,187 --> 00:23:42,917
Guys. Eric, stop.
543
00:23:43,022 --> 00:23:45,062
You're not a horse.
544
00:23:45,157 --> 00:23:47,557
[*]
545
00:23:56,803 --> 00:23:58,543
You guys
don't have to do this.
546
00:23:58,638 --> 00:24:00,508
You don't have to please me
all the time.
547
00:24:00,607 --> 00:24:01,867
Just trying to make
you happy, man.
548
00:24:01,974 --> 00:24:03,514
Zach,
we are here to please you.
549
00:24:03,610 --> 00:24:05,610
And if that means
sexually jacking you off,
550
00:24:05,712 --> 00:24:07,652
then that's what
we're gonna do, okay, friend?
551
00:24:07,747 --> 00:24:09,447
But dressed as a--
You know what, guys?
552
00:24:09,549 --> 00:24:12,149
This is just what happens
in a boys' house.
553
00:24:12,251 --> 00:24:14,591
ECHO:
Boys' house.
554
00:24:14,687 --> 00:24:15,787
Do you hear that?
Yeah.
555
00:24:15,888 --> 00:24:17,418
ECHO: Boys' house.
What?
556
00:24:17,524 --> 00:24:18,934
It kinda sounds
like my voice.
557
00:24:19,025 --> 00:24:21,225
ECHO: Boys' house.
He's like, "Boys' house"
558
00:24:21,327 --> 00:24:22,557
Sounds like
he's saying-- Shh.
559
00:24:22,662 --> 00:24:24,132
ECHO:
Boys' house. Boys' house.
560
00:24:24,230 --> 00:24:26,900
* Boyz' House *
561
00:24:26,999 --> 00:24:30,469
* Livin' in a Boyz' House
Baby *
562
00:24:30,570 --> 00:24:32,200
* Oh, boy
Just three boys *
563
00:24:32,304 --> 00:24:34,944
* Boyz' House *
564
00:24:35,041 --> 00:24:38,111
* Wick-wack-dackin'
At the Boyz' House, baby *
565
00:24:38,210 --> 00:24:40,710
* Just three boys
Livin' in a house *
566
00:24:41,981 --> 00:24:45,081
* Ooh, whoa, oh
Whoa, oh, whoa *
567
00:24:45,184 --> 00:24:47,554
* Yeah
568
00:24:47,654 --> 00:24:49,724
* Livin' with the boys
Livin' with the boys *
569
00:24:49,822 --> 00:24:53,332
* Livin' with the boys
570
00:24:53,425 --> 00:24:56,155
* Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
571
00:24:56,262 --> 00:24:58,502
* Boyz' House *
572
00:25:03,002 --> 00:25:05,002
[*]
573
00:25:15,081 --> 00:25:17,381
Thank you for watching
tonight's program.
574
00:25:17,483 --> 00:25:19,153
For everyone here
at Funny or Die,
575
00:25:19,251 --> 00:25:20,821
I'm Ed Haligan.
576
00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:23,990
And I'll see you
at the dog track.
577
00:25:25,658 --> 00:25:27,728
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
578
00:25:29,395 --> 00:25:31,795
[*]
579
00:25:35,367 --> 00:25:37,237
[*]
38680
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Filipino
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Interlingua
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof