Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
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00:00:07,741 --> 00:00:10,781
[*]
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00:00:10,878 --> 00:00:12,508
Oh, hells yeah!
3
00:00:12,613 --> 00:00:17,053
MAN 1: Party!
MAN 2: Yeah, T-shirt!
4
00:00:17,151 --> 00:00:18,851
And to prove there's
no smoke and mirrors,
5
00:00:18,952 --> 00:00:20,392
let's try it again
with my penis.
6
00:00:20,488 --> 00:00:23,058
I didn't take my pants off
or anything did I?
7
00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:25,027
Whipped!
Whipped!
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00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:26,126
[IMITATES WHIP]
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00:00:26,227 --> 00:00:28,527
Oh, shit, look at that.
10
00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:30,259
Oh!
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00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:33,434
N-- No, no, no.
Oh, yeah. Pow!
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00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:35,374
Oh, good night!
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00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:49,581
[*]
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00:00:56,757 --> 00:00:59,587
What you're about to see
is nothing short of a miracle.
15
00:00:59,693 --> 00:01:02,503
Television so revolutionary
that at this point in time
16
00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:05,296
there is nothing else
like it anywhere.
17
00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:09,839
Now, you may ask yourself
how is this possible?
18
00:01:09,937 --> 00:01:11,837
Computers, that's how.
19
00:01:11,939 --> 00:01:14,709
Funny or Die is at the forefront
of computer technology.
20
00:01:14,808 --> 00:01:17,608
Leading the way in computer
comedy programming.
21
00:01:17,711 --> 00:01:20,781
Tonight marks a departure
from our usual business model
22
00:01:20,881 --> 00:01:25,191
as we join the ever-declining
world of broadcast television.
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Think of what you're
about to see as a kind of
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00:01:27,655 --> 00:01:29,385
network onto itself.
25
00:01:29,490 --> 00:01:31,790
A half-hour network complete
with its own line up
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00:01:31,892 --> 00:01:33,532
of wonderful shows.
27
00:01:33,627 --> 00:01:35,997
Basically, the same
kind of horseshit
28
00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:37,496
we throw up on the website.
29
00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:41,298
HBO has graciously
given us a home,
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which means from time to time
you may hear the word fuck.
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I don't know why,
maybe because as a society
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we've lost our moral compass.
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At any rate, I hope a few
dirty words won't stop you
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00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:54,183
from watching tonight's program.
35
00:01:54,282 --> 00:01:56,922
There's even a chance,
quite small of course,
36
00:01:57,017 --> 00:02:00,117
that you may like it.
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00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:04,859
[*]
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FEMALE ANNOUNCER:
Tonight,
on the Funny or Die network,
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00:02:30,050 --> 00:02:34,560
a sketch show from Derek
Waters, Playground Politics.
40
00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:37,785
The first installment
of Designated Driver
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00:02:37,891 --> 00:02:39,961
with Rob Riggle and Paul Shear.
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And Space Baby.
43
00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:46,367
[HEARTBEAT]
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TOMMY:
You feeling it yet?
45
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Yeah.
46
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It just kicked in.
47
00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:57,035
Ecstasy is the best.
48
00:02:57,144 --> 00:02:59,954
Get ready
to love to everything.
49
00:03:00,047 --> 00:03:01,177
Really?
50
00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:03,822
Yeah.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
51
00:03:05,152 --> 00:03:07,222
Hey, sweetheart.
52
00:03:07,321 --> 00:03:11,291
I'm not in love
with you anymore.
53
00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:14,962
I'm sorry, buddy.
Are you okay?
54
00:03:15,062 --> 00:03:16,962
Yeah, I am.
55
00:03:17,064 --> 00:03:19,034
Is that weird?
No.
56
00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:21,102
It means it's working.
57
00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:22,871
Awesome.
58
00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:24,910
Let's go
to the planetarium.
59
00:03:25,005 --> 00:03:26,405
Yeah.
60
00:03:26,507 --> 00:03:28,607
[*]
61
00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:34,946
Oh!
62
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:36,678
How you feeling now?
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00:03:36,784 --> 00:03:37,954
Kinda horny!
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[SCREAMING]
65
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[BUZZING]
66
00:03:50,598 --> 00:03:52,828
Hey, how are you feeling now?
67
00:03:52,933 --> 00:03:54,873
Still feeling good.
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00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:56,098
You look good.
69
00:03:56,203 --> 00:03:58,513
[*]
70
00:04:04,044 --> 00:04:07,084
Check please. Hmm.
71
00:04:07,180 --> 00:04:08,680
Oh!
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00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:11,552
[*]
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[*]
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00:04:34,308 --> 00:04:38,548
Today we're gonna talk about
Frederick Douglass.
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00:04:40,348 --> 00:04:44,488
JEN:
The Union was falling apart,
the south was seceding,
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00:04:44,585 --> 00:04:46,415
it was a very young country.
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00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,760
Frederick Douglass
was an abolitionist.
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00:04:48,856 --> 00:04:52,356
And he believed it is morally
wrong to have slavery.
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00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:54,500
And people were like,
"Hey, Lincoln,
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00:04:54,595 --> 00:04:57,225
this guy's talking a good game
you should meet with him."
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00:04:57,331 --> 00:04:59,201
And Lincoln wasn't a douche bag.
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00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:04,299
He's like, "Okay,
I'll meet with him."
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00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:07,875
Frederick Douglass
comes to the White House.
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00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:10,375
Senator Pomeroy was like,
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00:05:10,478 --> 00:05:12,778
"Duh-duh-duh,
Abraham Lincoln,
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00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:16,150
"let me introduce you
to Frederick Douglass,
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00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:18,549
"a black former slave,
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00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:22,322
"a good black man
who has some speeches.
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00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:24,063
"He would like to talk to you.
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00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:27,457
"I'm not being prejudice,
I just-- Well, he's black.
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00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:29,031
I'd like to let you know."
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And he was asking--
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He was asking
Frederick Douglass,
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"What do I do about slavery?
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00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:40,905
What do I do about
the black population?"
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00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:44,038
And Frederick Douglass comes
over to him and he's like,
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00:05:44,144 --> 00:05:46,484
"Whoo, well, okay.
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00:05:46,580 --> 00:05:49,250
"Abraham Lincoln,
I am Frederick Douglass.
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I am a former slave who--"
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00:05:51,719 --> 00:05:55,089
And he's like, "Shh. I get it.
101
00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:57,158
"I know. I know who you are.
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00:05:57,257 --> 00:05:58,627
"It's been explained to me,
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00:05:58,726 --> 00:06:01,126
"I've been following
your career forever.
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00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:04,028
"Be quiet, I'm into it.
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00:06:04,131 --> 00:06:05,471
And let's talk."
106
00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:08,336
I will do more about him,
but I will lay down.
107
00:06:08,436 --> 00:06:10,466
My legs are showing.
MAN: Uh--
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00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:12,711
I wanted to lose weight
before this.
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00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:16,676
Wait, don't show, it's too
white. I wanna lay down
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and have a drink.
MAN: Do you want a blanket?
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00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,412
No, you know what I'm gonna do?
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00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:22,254
Frederick Douglass,
he's like,
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"Guess what Abraham Lincoln,
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"I have to tell you
three things.
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"Blacks should fight
in the war.
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"Two.
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"Black soldiers
who do fight in the war,
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"should get equal pay
as whites.
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00:06:35,796 --> 00:06:37,196
"Three.
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00:06:37,297 --> 00:06:41,227
If they're prisoners of war,
don't fucking kill them."
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00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:45,214
And Lincoln's like,
"Yeah, I think we can do this.
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00:06:45,305 --> 00:06:47,535
"But I just wanna let you know
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00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:51,081
that I'm just
into preserving the Union."
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00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:53,708
But the thing about-- About--
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About--
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00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:58,046
About Richard Dreyfuss--
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00:06:58,151 --> 00:06:59,391
What is his name?
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00:06:59,487 --> 00:07:01,487
MAN: Frederick.
Frederick Douglass,
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00:07:01,589 --> 00:07:04,729
I knew it was something similar.
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00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:07,185
The thing about
Frederick Douglass,
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00:07:07,294 --> 00:07:09,134
they were good friends.
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00:07:09,229 --> 00:07:13,199
And he-- And Frederick Douglass
remained an advisor
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00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:17,740
to President Clinton for years.
134
00:07:17,838 --> 00:07:20,668
And word gets back to him,
like...
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00:07:21,609 --> 00:07:23,739
"Abraham Lincoln is dead."
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00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:25,754
[*]
137
00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:28,547
Why do I feel like my--
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00:07:28,649 --> 00:07:30,279
I didn't take my pants off
or anything, did I?
139
00:07:30,383 --> 00:07:31,623
No.
140
00:07:31,719 --> 00:07:35,259
'Cause I feel like
I don't have pants on.
141
00:07:35,355 --> 00:07:36,655
Oh! 'Cause I'm in a dress.
142
00:07:36,757 --> 00:07:38,427
But there was a moment when
I took my pants off.
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00:07:38,526 --> 00:07:39,986
Okay, good.
144
00:07:40,093 --> 00:07:43,163
A couple years later,
they're in Washington D.C.,
145
00:07:43,263 --> 00:07:44,633
and they're like, "All right.
146
00:07:44,732 --> 00:07:48,102
It's the Lincoln
Emancipation Memorial."
147
00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:50,601
And then someone says:
"Hey, Frederick Douglass
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00:07:50,704 --> 00:07:52,114
is in the audience,
he should speak."
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00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:56,375
He's an orator,
I mean this is his livelihood.
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00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:59,476
And he gets up,
so he did that for awhile,
151
00:07:59,580 --> 00:08:00,750
and he did a good job.
152
00:08:00,848 --> 00:08:04,048
Then I-- Would go on
and do a good job--
153
00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:05,451
[MAN LAUGHING]
154
00:08:05,553 --> 00:08:08,493
Wait, and that
is different than that.
155
00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:12,689
He says, "I gotta be honest
with you guys,
156
00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:16,963
Abraham Lincoln
is a white man's president."
157
00:08:17,064 --> 00:08:20,274
Mary Todd Lincoln,
Abraham's wife, is there.
158
00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:21,567
And she was there when he got
159
00:08:21,669 --> 00:08:23,169
his head blown off
in the theater.
160
00:08:23,270 --> 00:08:24,940
So she's a badass.
161
00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:27,138
But it doesn't mean
she's immune to feelings.
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00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:28,380
She's there.
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00:08:28,475 --> 00:08:30,475
So he says,
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00:08:30,578 --> 00:08:33,208
"We had different views
on slavery.
165
00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:36,053
"We had different views on
the emancipation proclamation.
166
00:08:36,149 --> 00:08:39,749
"We had different
views on the war.
167
00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:41,393
"But he's a great guy
168
00:08:41,488 --> 00:08:43,288
"and I respect him
because he listened.
169
00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:47,560
"Even if he knew he couldn't
fulfill my wishes,
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00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:51,301
"he brought me in
and he fuckin' listened.
171
00:08:51,398 --> 00:08:52,928
Nobody does that."
172
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:56,373
Mary Todd Lincoln comes up
to him and goes,
173
00:08:56,469 --> 00:09:00,269
"He would have
fuckin' loved that.
174
00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:02,643
That is exactly his style."
175
00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:05,213
And she goes,
"Douglass, come here.
176
00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:06,982
I have something for you."
177
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,720
Oh, now my head
is shutting asleep.
178
00:09:09,817 --> 00:09:13,517
Mary Todd said:
"I want you to have
179
00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:16,291
"Abe's walking stick.
180
00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:18,789
His favorite walking stick."
181
00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:21,262
That was, like,
"Thank you much
182
00:09:21,361 --> 00:09:22,961
"for the walking stick.
183
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:26,633
"And I'm gonna do my best
to preserve the honor of it.
184
00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:29,444
"And I just take it
more of a symbol,
185
00:09:29,536 --> 00:09:33,866
as a friendship between
you, me, and your husband."
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00:09:33,974 --> 00:09:36,184
[*]
187
00:09:37,811 --> 00:09:42,551
And then,
he died a few months later.
188
00:09:42,650 --> 00:09:45,620
Doing what he loves,
sticking up for ladies.
189
00:09:48,889 --> 00:09:51,789
And you can't
fault him for that.
190
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:57,673
Did I need to do
a more story about them?
191
00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:00,631
[*]
192
00:10:05,873 --> 00:10:08,013
I have a mental illness.
193
00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:09,308
[MAN CHUCKLES]
194
00:10:09,409 --> 00:10:13,309
But I don't-- He's the father
of the civil rights.
195
00:10:13,413 --> 00:10:14,923
I can't believe Derek,
man,
196
00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:16,715
we should be at
the Ravens game right now.
197
00:10:16,817 --> 00:10:20,417
This is so pathetic,
Samantha's got him so whipped.
198
00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:23,460
Whipped!
199
00:10:23,556 --> 00:10:24,956
Whipped!
200
00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:26,428
[IMITATES WHIP]
201
00:10:26,526 --> 00:10:28,726
Samantha was
the love of my life.
202
00:10:29,897 --> 00:10:31,997
She left us way too soon.
203
00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:34,229
MAN 1: Whipped!
MAN 2: Whipped!
204
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:38,514
We designed this saw to be
the safest table saw ever built.
205
00:10:38,605 --> 00:10:41,705
The mechanism is sophisticated
but the technology behind it,
206
00:10:41,809 --> 00:10:42,909
it's quite simple.
207
00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:43,740
[BUZZING]
208
00:10:43,844 --> 00:10:45,384
It's the perfect marriage
209
00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:47,678
of modern engineering and good
ol' fashioned ingenuity,
210
00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:49,221
which is always reliable.
211
00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:51,146
The blade carries
a small electrical charge.
212
00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:53,621
When human contact is made,
the body absorbs the current
213
00:10:53,721 --> 00:10:54,961
and triggers a tiny mouse
214
00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:56,715
living inside
the saw's gearbox.
215
00:10:56,824 --> 00:10:58,934
A robotic arm pushes
a piece of cheese
216
00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:01,726
in front of the mouse which
causes him to run on the wheel.
217
00:11:01,829 --> 00:11:04,329
When the wheel spins
it engages the break,
218
00:11:04,431 --> 00:11:06,071
instantly stopping the saw.
219
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,436
So when the wheel is spinning,
the safety saw is working.
220
00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:11,395
Let's demonstrate
how safe this is.
221
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:13,444
This is a real hot dog.
222
00:11:17,077 --> 00:11:19,607
As you can see,
not a mark on it.
223
00:11:19,713 --> 00:11:21,483
And to prove
there's no smoke and mirrors,
224
00:11:21,581 --> 00:11:23,281
let's try it again
with my penis.
225
00:11:23,383 --> 00:11:25,693
[BUZZ]
226
00:11:26,486 --> 00:11:28,156
[*]
227
00:11:38,732 --> 00:11:40,872
Ahh!
228
00:11:40,968 --> 00:11:42,668
Oh.
229
00:11:42,770 --> 00:11:44,240
Call the medic!
230
00:11:44,337 --> 00:11:46,607
Ah!
231
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:49,706
Stop the mouse,
he's got my fucking dick!
232
00:11:49,810 --> 00:11:51,850
He thinks it's a hot dog!
233
00:11:51,945 --> 00:11:53,705
Call the fucking medic!
234
00:11:53,814 --> 00:11:57,324
ANNOUNCER:
SafetySaw, now $10 off!
235
00:11:57,417 --> 00:11:59,517
[MAN SOBBING]
Oh!
236
00:11:59,619 --> 00:12:04,829
* Going on a bender, bender
237
00:12:05,926 --> 00:12:08,096
[KISSING NOISILY]
238
00:12:08,195 --> 00:12:11,925
Oh.
Buffet was awesome tonight.
239
00:12:12,032 --> 00:12:13,802
Margaritaville, baby!
240
00:12:13,901 --> 00:12:16,971
Oh, Margaritaville, baby!
The greatest night of my life!
241
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,410
Aw, yeah, my wife!
My life.
242
00:12:19,506 --> 00:12:21,366
CRAIG:
My wife, my life.
243
00:12:21,474 --> 00:12:23,744
ERIC:
What's up people,
come on it's 5:00 somewhere,
244
00:12:23,844 --> 00:12:25,984
am I right? Polly wanna boner.
245
00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:27,819
[*]
246
00:12:27,915 --> 00:12:30,115
[CHIMING]
247
00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:32,217
Oh, dude, bros.
248
00:12:32,319 --> 00:12:34,519
[*]
249
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:37,926
ALL:
Oh!
250
00:12:40,627 --> 00:12:43,597
Check out the Parrot Head
T-shirt rockin' to Buffet, man.
251
00:12:43,696 --> 00:12:45,996
Yeah!
That's awesome!
252
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:48,339
CRAIG:
Yeah, baby!
253
00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:49,995
Oh, hells yeah!
254
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:52,973
JAKE: Dude, you're partying!
Yeah, T-shirt.
255
00:12:53,073 --> 00:12:55,083
[GLASS SHATTERS]
ALL: Oh!
256
00:12:55,175 --> 00:12:56,775
DEREK:
Just like that, baby.
257
00:12:56,877 --> 00:12:59,647
Hey, I wonder if T-shirt
likes to party.
258
00:12:59,746 --> 00:13:02,176
MAN:
Oh.
259
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:04,652
[INHALES]
260
00:13:04,751 --> 00:13:07,221
T-shirt likes
to fuckin' party!
261
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:11,190
He says this place is like
a sausage factory.
262
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,531
There's plenty
of hot chicks at the bar.
263
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,996
You got it,
four titty dick bangers.
264
00:13:16,096 --> 00:13:18,226
Yeah, this--
This dude's getting wasted.
265
00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:22,841
Man, I fucking love T-shirt!
Me too.
266
00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:26,543
[*]
267
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,846
You're cute.
268
00:13:31,945 --> 00:13:35,615
Oh, oh, really?
269
00:13:35,715 --> 00:13:36,845
[LAUGHING]
270
00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:38,520
JAKE:
T-shirt's got a girlfriend!
271
00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:39,818
Nice! I like!
272
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,350
Wa-wa-wee-wa.
273
00:13:41,454 --> 00:13:43,924
[LAUGHING]
You guys,
274
00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:46,264
I'm gonna put on Buffet.
Oh, my dream girl.
275
00:13:46,359 --> 00:13:48,129
Oh, yeah.
276
00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:49,998
MAN:
Sweet.
277
00:13:50,097 --> 00:13:52,827
T-shirt, let's have
some shots of Urine Ice.
278
00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:54,403
MAN:
Ba-boom!
279
00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:57,171
Dude, let's get those
dreadlock hats tomorrow.
280
00:13:57,270 --> 00:13:59,340
Yeah,
I cant get enough of it.
281
00:13:59,439 --> 00:14:01,469
MAN:
Oh, baby,
you're makin' me crazy!
282
00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:04,314
Okay, you guys?
283
00:14:04,411 --> 00:14:05,351
Seriously?
284
00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:07,475
To Parrot Heads.
285
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:10,420
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah,
oh, yeah.
286
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:13,217
* And coconuts
287
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:14,960
* You bring the tequila
288
00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:16,815
Raise the roof, motherfuckers.
289
00:14:16,924 --> 00:14:18,864
MAN 1:
Another margarita, baby,
shwing.
290
00:14:18,959 --> 00:14:19,689
MAN 2:
Yeah.
291
00:14:19,792 --> 00:14:20,892
Oh.
292
00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:23,364
Oh, T-shirt.
293
00:14:23,463 --> 00:14:24,973
Where are we going?
294
00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:27,595
Where are we going, whoa!
295
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:30,070
Whoa. T-shirt,
296
00:14:30,170 --> 00:14:33,640
T-shirt. I feel funny.
297
00:14:36,143 --> 00:14:40,483
Oh, T-shirt. You're gonna be
such a good daddy.
298
00:14:40,580 --> 00:14:41,780
Hello?
299
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,081
Uh.
300
00:14:43,183 --> 00:14:45,853
Oh, my God, what the fuck?
301
00:14:45,953 --> 00:14:47,093
[COUGHS]
302
00:14:47,187 --> 00:14:49,087
Wait.
What's that, T-shirt?
303
00:14:49,189 --> 00:14:51,419
Your girlfriend's passed out
from the smoke?
304
00:14:51,524 --> 00:14:54,234
Good work, T-shirt. Let's get
her out of here. Come on!
305
00:14:54,327 --> 00:14:56,927
[*]
306
00:15:08,708 --> 00:15:12,348
T-shirt, because you risked
your life to save another,
307
00:15:12,445 --> 00:15:15,045
we're making you
an honorary member
308
00:15:15,148 --> 00:15:18,048
of the Margaritaville Fire Dept.
309
00:15:18,151 --> 00:15:20,051
You're the real hero.
310
00:15:20,153 --> 00:15:22,563
ALL:
T-shirt! T-shirt!
311
00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:26,085
* Looks like the night
Is gonna be one of those days *
312
00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:28,803
DEREK:
Tomorrow, Cabo Wabo.
313
00:15:28,895 --> 00:15:30,195
I'm bored.
314
00:15:30,297 --> 00:15:32,367
Me too.
I'm sick of all my toys.
315
00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:34,295
ANNOUNCER:
Why don't you trying playing
316
00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:35,941
with Mattel's Prius
racing set!?
317
00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:37,396
Awesome!
Cool!
318
00:15:37,504 --> 00:15:39,174
ANNOUNCER:
With over 16 feet of track
319
00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:41,982
and two responsible hybrids!
Go!
320
00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:43,305
Who needs
the deafening roar
321
00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:44,840
of a nitro burning
racing engine
322
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:46,284
when you can have
the polite hum
323
00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:48,849
of a regenerative electric
drive-train?
324
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:51,478
* Zero emissions
325
00:15:51,584 --> 00:15:55,124
I'm getting 62 miles per gallon!
Awesome!
326
00:15:55,222 --> 00:15:57,962
* It's a positive investment
In a greener tomorrow *
327
00:15:58,058 --> 00:16:01,188
ANNOUNCER:
Between each lap remember to
pull over and recharge your car
328
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:04,204
so you can finish the race.
329
00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:06,597
The track is completely
biodegradable!
330
00:16:06,699 --> 00:16:08,169
Awesome!
331
00:16:08,268 --> 00:16:11,498
* Reducing our reliance
On foreign oil *
332
00:16:13,106 --> 00:16:15,506
No carbon footprint!
333
00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:18,948
I'm having fun,
and I feel good about myself.
334
00:16:19,046 --> 00:16:20,546
Whoo!
ANNOUNCER: Fully charged
335
00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:22,547
You're back in the race.
Before you take on the loop,
336
00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:24,819
you need to recharge
one more time.
337
00:16:24,917 --> 00:16:30,117
* You're playin' green
For your children's future *
338
00:16:30,223 --> 00:16:34,793
* Hybrid power
339
00:16:34,894 --> 00:16:37,564
[*]
340
00:16:44,971 --> 00:16:47,471
[*]
341
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:53,710
[*]
342
00:16:57,817 --> 00:16:59,047
[*]
343
00:16:59,152 --> 00:17:02,492
KID [YELLING]:
344
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:07,927
America, I'm hungry.
345
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:09,097
Sorry to hear it.
346
00:17:09,196 --> 00:17:10,896
Can we have some food?
347
00:17:10,997 --> 00:17:13,067
Not for free you can't.
You have any, uh,
348
00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:15,336
natural resources
we might be interested in?
349
00:17:15,435 --> 00:17:18,965
What's a natural resource?
Like trees and grass?
350
00:17:19,072 --> 00:17:21,012
No, like, uh, gold,
diamonds, oil.
351
00:17:21,108 --> 00:17:23,978
Oh, yeah. Tons of it.
352
00:17:24,077 --> 00:17:26,777
IMF, get over here!
353
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:28,179
What can I do you you?
354
00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:30,521
Africa, this is the
International Monetary Fund.
355
00:17:30,617 --> 00:17:32,747
They're gonna give you tons
of food and money.
356
00:17:32,852 --> 00:17:34,692
Hi.
357
00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:36,317
You guys are so nice.
358
00:17:36,423 --> 00:17:38,463
When do you want us
to pay you back?
359
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:42,198
Honestly, your interest is gonna
be more than your GDP.
360
00:17:42,295 --> 00:17:45,125
So you're never really going
to be able to pay it back.
361
00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:48,872
America,
thank you for this food.
362
00:17:48,968 --> 00:17:50,338
Tell you what.
363
00:17:50,437 --> 00:17:54,607
If you have any companies
that want our resources,
364
00:17:54,707 --> 00:17:56,007
we'd love to have them.
365
00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:57,079
AMERICA:
Sweet.
366
00:17:57,177 --> 00:17:58,677
Exxon, DeBeers and Newmont
367
00:17:58,778 --> 00:18:01,548
are already on their way.
368
00:18:01,648 --> 00:18:03,118
I love this candy.
369
00:18:03,216 --> 00:18:05,286
[LOUD THUD]
370
00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:09,459
[*]
371
00:18:19,199 --> 00:18:21,429
[BELL DINGS]
372
00:18:24,036 --> 00:18:26,606
[GUNS COCK]
373
00:18:28,575 --> 00:18:30,735
[TAPE REWINDING]
374
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:32,513
[TIRES SQUEALING]
375
00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:36,847
[*]
376
00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:44,822
[WATER FLOWING]
377
00:18:44,924 --> 00:18:47,734
[*]
378
00:18:52,199 --> 00:18:53,869
[SIGHS]
379
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:57,666
[PHONE RINGING]
380
00:19:01,073 --> 00:19:02,513
[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
381
00:19:02,609 --> 00:19:04,639
MAN [OVER THE PHONE]:
Pick up the goddamn phone!
382
00:19:04,744 --> 00:19:08,624
Pick up, pick up, pick up,
pick up, pick up!
383
00:19:08,715 --> 00:19:12,185
Pick up! Come on, man,
pick up, pick up!
384
00:19:12,285 --> 00:19:14,645
Pick up! Pick up!
385
00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:16,664
Pick up, pick up!
386
00:19:16,756 --> 00:19:18,356
Pick up!
387
00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:20,658
Hey! What's going on? I just,
uh, I just walked in.
388
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:22,130
Ah, bullshit!
389
00:19:22,229 --> 00:19:24,029
You're probably takin'
one of your fag baths.
390
00:19:24,130 --> 00:19:25,370
No. I was out.
391
00:19:25,465 --> 00:19:27,225
Whatever, dude,
you're pathetic man.
392
00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:30,274
It's, like, 9:30.
393
00:19:30,370 --> 00:19:32,310
Fuck you, Eddie!
394
00:19:32,405 --> 00:19:35,775
Ha, ha, ha.
Man, I am fucking drunk!
395
00:19:35,875 --> 00:19:37,435
You gotta come pick my ass up.
396
00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:39,984
Why can't you just call a cab?
Fuck that, dude, come on!
397
00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:42,619
Besides, you don't have a choice
in the matter, all right?
398
00:19:42,715 --> 00:19:45,215
You gotta pick me up, man,
if I call you it's like the law.
399
00:19:45,318 --> 00:19:47,318
You gotta be
my designated driver.
400
00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:49,390
Give me a couple minutes,
I have to get clothes--
401
00:19:49,489 --> 00:19:53,429
Oh! Shit! I knew it.
You bath-taking motherfucker!
402
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:55,156
How clean can one man be?
403
00:19:55,262 --> 00:19:57,262
Jesus Christ,
you probably got a bar of soap
404
00:19:57,364 --> 00:19:59,234
wedged up your fuckin' asshole
right now anyway.
405
00:19:59,332 --> 00:20:00,672
All right.
406
00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:02,127
Take your ball sack
and get down here,
407
00:20:02,235 --> 00:20:03,935
and pick me up at Tap Master!
408
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:05,166
Okay, good talkin' to you.
I'll--
409
00:20:05,272 --> 00:20:09,082
Tap Masters!
[PHONE BEEPS]
410
00:20:09,175 --> 00:20:11,705
Oh, Shit! Whoa.
411
00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:14,711
Okay, I guess we're takin' it up
a notch, huh?
412
00:20:14,814 --> 00:20:17,684
[*]
413
00:20:24,123 --> 00:20:25,993
Hey, Matilda.
414
00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:27,192
Are you thirsty?
415
00:20:27,294 --> 00:20:29,064
I know,
a little late night drink.
416
00:20:29,161 --> 00:20:31,031
Be good, okay?
417
00:20:31,130 --> 00:20:32,730
[BEEPS]
418
00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:35,842
[ENGINE STARTS]
419
00:20:35,935 --> 00:20:38,705
RADIO HOST:
I welcome the debate,
on single-payer health care.
420
00:20:38,805 --> 00:20:40,735
Because privatized health care
is killing people.
421
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:43,510
Your files are being opened.
Tell me about it.
422
00:20:43,610 --> 00:20:45,710
They sure as hell gonna find
some obscure event that--
423
00:20:45,812 --> 00:20:47,452
[THUD]
424
00:20:47,547 --> 00:20:49,717
[GLASS CRASHES]
Shit!
425
00:20:49,816 --> 00:20:51,246
Hey!
I stole 'em!
426
00:20:51,351 --> 00:20:52,421
I fuckin' stole 'em, man!
427
00:20:52,519 --> 00:20:54,189
Oh. Hey, what's going on--?
428
00:20:54,287 --> 00:20:56,117
Go!
Go, motherfucker, go!
429
00:20:56,222 --> 00:20:57,622
All right.
430
00:20:57,724 --> 00:20:59,564
[CROWD CLAMORING]
431
00:20:59,659 --> 00:21:02,829
Go! Shit, go,
go, motherfucker, go.
432
00:21:02,929 --> 00:21:04,629
[TIRES SQUEALING]
433
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:09,040
[LAUGHING,
SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
434
00:21:09,135 --> 00:21:11,035
All right, all right. Okay.
Yeah!
435
00:21:11,137 --> 00:21:12,537
Whoo!
Okay, all right.
436
00:21:12,639 --> 00:21:15,479
Whoa, shit,
I almost died in there, dude!
437
00:21:15,575 --> 00:21:17,175
That was crazy.
Whoo!
438
00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:18,976
Hey, what the fuck
are we listening to?
439
00:21:19,078 --> 00:21:20,878
Oh, uh,
her name is Leslie Stubbs.
440
00:21:20,980 --> 00:21:23,780
And she takes calls. It's like
a liberal kind of a talk show.
441
00:21:23,883 --> 00:21:25,453
Oh, God.
442
00:21:25,552 --> 00:21:27,022
[BEEPS]
I guess, yeah, it was get--
443
00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:29,659
There we go, now listen to that!
That's a party song!
444
00:21:29,756 --> 00:21:31,956
Yeah. All right.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
445
00:21:32,058 --> 00:21:34,288
Right there, yeah.
446
00:21:34,394 --> 00:21:37,264
Somebody's getting laid
tonight!
447
00:21:37,364 --> 00:21:40,204
Classic rock, right?
Oh, oh!
448
00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:42,099
I almost threw up.
449
00:21:42,201 --> 00:21:44,871
I just-- I don't normally have
people smoke in my car.
450
00:21:44,971 --> 00:21:46,341
You know what we ought to do?
451
00:21:46,439 --> 00:21:49,009
Let's go get some groceries,
and we'll cook up some food,
452
00:21:49,108 --> 00:21:53,178
and we'll get some girls to come
over. We'll make 'em burritos.
453
00:21:53,279 --> 00:21:55,049
You know what I mean?
454
00:21:55,147 --> 00:21:56,477
No, I don't.
455
00:21:56,583 --> 00:21:58,893
My dick's hard when I sleep.
I sleep with a boner.
456
00:21:58,985 --> 00:22:01,085
And I'm ready to go.
Someone could jump on me,
457
00:22:01,187 --> 00:22:02,517
fuck me,
probably not even wake me up.
458
00:22:02,622 --> 00:22:04,422
Oh! Fuck, donuts, right there.
459
00:22:04,524 --> 00:22:06,494
Donuts, Barry, Barry, pull over.
Uh--
460
00:22:06,593 --> 00:22:08,803
Pull over, I want donuts.
Not gonna stop for donuts.
461
00:22:08,895 --> 00:22:10,355
Jesus Christ, Barry!
462
00:22:10,463 --> 00:22:12,573
I'm weak with hunger,
you son of a bitch!
463
00:22:12,665 --> 00:22:14,895
Goddamn it, just pull around,
464
00:22:15,001 --> 00:22:17,841
do me a favor one time
in your life! One time.
465
00:22:17,937 --> 00:22:20,867
Do me a favor
and shoot a hot fucking U-ie.
466
00:22:22,809 --> 00:22:24,979
Are you sure
you don't want anything?
467
00:22:25,077 --> 00:22:26,577
Yeah, just-- Just hurry up.
468
00:22:26,679 --> 00:22:28,279
Well, can you loan me
five bucks, man?
469
00:22:28,381 --> 00:22:29,521
I need some money.
470
00:22:29,616 --> 00:22:32,816
[BELL DINGS]
Well, well, well.
471
00:22:32,919 --> 00:22:34,689
Mm, what kind of donuts
do we have
472
00:22:34,787 --> 00:22:36,717
in this fine establishment
this evening?
473
00:22:36,823 --> 00:22:37,963
Huh?
474
00:22:38,057 --> 00:22:39,287
[LAUGHING]
475
00:22:39,392 --> 00:22:42,332
How about a jelly fill,
right there?
476
00:22:42,429 --> 00:22:45,799
And give me another jelly fill.
477
00:22:45,898 --> 00:22:48,438
And...fuck it.
478
00:22:48,535 --> 00:22:50,295
Throw a bear claw in there too.
479
00:22:50,403 --> 00:22:51,643
Can I just get a refill.
480
00:22:51,738 --> 00:22:54,268
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
hold the phone.
481
00:22:54,373 --> 00:22:56,143
I'm sorry?
You heard me, Mountain.
482
00:22:56,242 --> 00:22:58,282
There's a fucking line here.
483
00:22:58,377 --> 00:22:59,707
BIKER:
Calm down.
484
00:22:59,812 --> 00:23:01,552
Just want a refill.
I don't want any trouble.
485
00:23:01,648 --> 00:23:03,818
Whoa, hey, I'm calm.
You're the maniac
486
00:23:03,916 --> 00:23:05,746
who's comin' at me
all sideways bein', like,
487
00:23:05,852 --> 00:23:07,492
I'm gonna kill you
motherfucker.
488
00:23:07,587 --> 00:23:10,157
Look, I just
got out of the joint.
489
00:23:10,256 --> 00:23:11,586
I'm trying to turn
my life around.
490
00:23:11,691 --> 00:23:13,661
The Lord has shown me
another way.
491
00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:16,700
I don't drink, I don't smoke,
and I don't curse.
492
00:23:16,796 --> 00:23:18,396
And I don't want any trouble.
493
00:23:18,498 --> 00:23:20,828
Well, that's too bad,
Green Mile,
494
00:23:20,933 --> 00:23:23,203
'cause those are four
of my favorite things.
495
00:23:23,302 --> 00:23:25,202
Oh, shit, look at that.
496
00:23:25,304 --> 00:23:27,144
Oh!
497
00:23:27,239 --> 00:23:28,209
No, no, no.
Oh, yeah!
498
00:23:28,307 --> 00:23:30,707
Pow!
499
00:23:30,810 --> 00:23:32,180
Good night.
500
00:23:32,278 --> 00:23:34,008
Good night, sweet prince!
501
00:23:34,113 --> 00:23:36,923
Ha, ha, ha. Whoo!
502
00:23:37,016 --> 00:23:38,986
Oh, yeah!
503
00:23:39,085 --> 00:23:40,315
Give me this.
504
00:23:40,419 --> 00:23:44,159
Ooh, donut mind if I do.
505
00:23:44,256 --> 00:23:46,156
Ha, ha, ha.
Laugh, it's funny!
506
00:23:46,258 --> 00:23:47,528
Hey, big man?
507
00:23:47,627 --> 00:23:49,827
Donut mind if I do!
508
00:23:49,929 --> 00:23:51,199
[LAUGHING]
509
00:23:51,297 --> 00:23:53,127
Oh--
What did you just do?
510
00:23:53,232 --> 00:23:54,332
You just killed a guy!
511
00:23:54,433 --> 00:23:56,073
Oh, he'll live.
512
00:23:56,168 --> 00:23:58,398
Him and his anti-Semitic mouth.
513
00:23:58,505 --> 00:24:00,705
Guy was talking about the Lord,
you know?
514
00:24:00,807 --> 00:24:02,037
And I know you're a Jew--
515
00:24:02,141 --> 00:24:03,281
I'm not Jewish.
516
00:24:03,375 --> 00:24:04,535
Shit, dude,
he's getting up.
517
00:24:04,644 --> 00:24:07,254
He's gonna kick your ass.
What? No way!
518
00:24:07,346 --> 00:24:08,946
I'm serious,
he's gonna kick your ass.
519
00:24:09,048 --> 00:24:11,978
Go, go. Man, go, go!
520
00:24:12,084 --> 00:24:13,694
Jesus, man, go, go!
521
00:24:13,786 --> 00:24:15,856
Drive, motherfucker.
Don't yell at me.
522
00:24:15,955 --> 00:24:18,455
When I was in there,
I smacked the dispenser
523
00:24:18,558 --> 00:24:21,928
on his head and I was like,
"Donut mind if I do."
524
00:24:22,028 --> 00:24:24,458
Donut mind if I do!
525
00:24:25,131 --> 00:24:28,201
Oh, God! Ahh!
526
00:24:28,300 --> 00:24:30,240
Oh, chill out.
Chill out.
527
00:24:30,336 --> 00:24:32,196
He just shot my donut.
Fuck!
528
00:24:32,304 --> 00:24:33,814
[TIRES SQUEALING]
529
00:24:33,906 --> 00:24:36,736
[*]
530
00:24:39,078 --> 00:24:41,108
[*]
531
00:24:44,083 --> 00:24:47,823
[*]
532
00:24:50,757 --> 00:24:54,327
[*]
You will give us the formula.
533
00:24:54,426 --> 00:24:57,296
Never.
Space Baby will save me.
534
00:24:57,396 --> 00:24:59,126
Oh, I'm afraid not,
professor.
535
00:24:59,231 --> 00:25:04,001
There is no way Space Baby
will get in here.
536
00:25:05,237 --> 00:25:08,167
* Space Baby
537
00:25:08,274 --> 00:25:11,314
MAN:
All we know about Space Baby
is that she's from Earth.
538
00:25:11,410 --> 00:25:13,910
And she travels the galaxies
looking for a one-eyed man,
539
00:25:14,013 --> 00:25:15,653
who has a briefcase handcuffed
to his arm.
540
00:25:15,748 --> 00:25:18,148
And as she travels
from planet to planet,
541
00:25:18,250 --> 00:25:20,550
she rights wrongs
and helps the oppressed.
542
00:25:20,653 --> 00:25:22,323
* So--
543
00:25:22,421 --> 00:25:24,591
* If you're in the black hole
544
00:25:24,691 --> 00:25:27,561
* There's only one name
You need to know *
545
00:25:27,660 --> 00:25:30,060
* Space Baby
546
00:25:30,162 --> 00:25:31,162
Space Baby,
547
00:25:31,263 --> 00:25:32,773
the Jupiterians just kidnapped
548
00:25:32,865 --> 00:25:34,825
America's best space scientist.
549
00:25:34,934 --> 00:25:38,044
[BABBLING]
550
00:25:38,137 --> 00:25:41,707
They'll be expecting you,
so you must be extra careful.
551
00:25:43,743 --> 00:25:46,353
We've tapped
into their security cameras.
552
00:25:46,445 --> 00:25:47,645
[BEEPS]
553
00:25:47,747 --> 00:25:49,747
There's a guard
in the other room.
554
00:25:49,849 --> 00:25:51,779
You must get past him.
555
00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:56,420
MAN:
Uh, oh, uh, oh.
556
00:25:56,522 --> 00:25:58,292
Eh, ow.
557
00:25:58,390 --> 00:26:02,600
[GIGGLES]
558
00:26:03,696 --> 00:26:05,596
Space Baby!
How did you get in here?
559
00:26:05,698 --> 00:26:08,198
PROFESSOR:
Space Baby!
560
00:26:08,300 --> 00:26:10,340
The gun!
561
00:26:14,506 --> 00:26:17,176
Space Baby. A little help.
562
00:26:17,276 --> 00:26:20,106
Yay!
563
00:26:21,380 --> 00:26:23,420
Boo.
564
00:26:23,515 --> 00:26:25,375
[LAUGHING]
565
00:26:25,484 --> 00:26:27,324
Thank you Space Baby,
you saved me.
566
00:26:27,419 --> 00:26:28,689
How do we get out of here?
567
00:26:28,788 --> 00:26:30,118
[BABBLE]
That way?
568
00:26:30,222 --> 00:26:33,092
Fine, go ahead, I'll follow you.
[GIGGLES]
569
00:26:34,293 --> 00:26:36,103
Good work, Space Baby.
570
00:26:36,195 --> 00:26:37,495
You saved the professor.
571
00:26:37,596 --> 00:26:39,666
Now drop him off
at the Space Station.
572
00:26:39,766 --> 00:26:41,526
I appreciate you
saving me and all,
573
00:26:41,634 --> 00:26:43,744
but this is blastedly
uncomfortable.
574
00:26:43,836 --> 00:26:47,436
ANNOUNCER:
This has been another episode
of Space Baby.
575
00:26:47,539 --> 00:26:49,779
[*]
576
00:26:57,049 --> 00:26:59,349
[CLEARS THROAT]
577
00:26:59,451 --> 00:27:01,991
Thank you for tuning in tonight.
578
00:27:02,088 --> 00:27:03,018
I'm Ed Haligan.
579
00:27:03,122 --> 00:27:06,132
And I will see you
on the internet.
580
00:27:06,225 --> 00:27:08,825
Whatever the fuck that is.
581
00:27:10,697 --> 00:27:13,697
[ELECTRONIC BUZZING]
582
00:27:14,934 --> 00:27:17,144
*]
583
00:27:20,539 --> 00:27:22,409
[*]
40120
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