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1
00:00:02,400 --> 00:00:04,600
I can't believe this window
is still stuck.
2
00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:05,690
I'm freezing to death!
3
00:00:05,690 --> 00:00:07,400
Before you die,
4
00:00:07,400 --> 00:00:09,190
where in your room did you hide
your Halloween candy?
5
00:00:09,190 --> 00:00:10,560
Mom, I didn't think any car
6
00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:11,600
could be worse
than your minivan.
7
00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:12,900
But here we are.
8
00:00:12,900 --> 00:00:14,810
Kindly address all complaints
to your father.
9
00:00:14,810 --> 00:00:16,230
He's the one
who's been driving around
10
00:00:16,230 --> 00:00:18,230
with that broken window
for two years.
11
00:00:18,230 --> 00:00:19,600
I'm pretending I'm Shackleton
12
00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:21,520
when his boat got stuck
in the ice.
13
00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:22,690
I'm pretending
I was switched at birth
14
00:00:22,690 --> 00:00:24,190
and my real family
is waiting at school
15
00:00:24,190 --> 00:00:26,060
to whisk me back to our castle.
16
00:00:33,310 --> 00:00:34,600
Okay, we're here!
17
00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:35,730
Time for you to bother
other grown-ups.
18
00:00:35,730 --> 00:00:36,850
Love you!
19
00:00:41,270 --> 00:00:42,640
Mama, the door won't open.
20
00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:49,480
It still won't open.
21
00:00:49,480 --> 00:00:51,690
Mine, too!
Oh God, we're trapped!
22
00:00:51,690 --> 00:00:53,640
This is just like Shackleton.
23
00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:56,230
Pretty soon, we're gonna be
eating the sled dogs.
24
00:00:56,230 --> 00:00:58,140
The electrical is shot.
25
00:00:58,140 --> 00:01:00,020
Maybe I shouldn't have bought
that big subwoofer
26
00:01:00,020 --> 00:01:01,940
from the guy
who bags my groceries.
27
00:01:03,270 --> 00:01:06,060
Oh, my God, there's the new guy,
Trip Windsor.
28
00:01:06,060 --> 00:01:08,060
All right, abandon ship.
29
00:01:08,060 --> 00:01:10,600
Everyone, crawl out
of Taylor's window.
30
00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:11,770
No way!
31
00:01:11,770 --> 00:01:12,850
Not in this shirt!
32
00:01:12,850 --> 00:01:14,770
I finally found John Varvatos
at Marshalls.
33
00:01:16,020 --> 00:01:17,190
No, not in front of Trip!
34
00:01:17,190 --> 00:01:18,520
I'll just quit school
and stay here.
35
00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:19,980
Yeah, she doesn't need school.
36
00:01:19,980 --> 00:01:21,400
Let her embrace her future.
37
00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:23,140
Take her to the nearest
Lancôme counter.
38
00:01:23,140 --> 00:01:25,100
The longer it takes
for you to crawl,
39
00:01:25,100 --> 00:01:26,940
the longer
people are gonna stare.
40
00:01:26,940 --> 00:01:29,190
To the lifeboats!
41
00:01:54,230 --> 00:01:56,640
Thank you for the most
humiliating moment of my life!
42
00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:58,060
Please!
43
00:01:58,060 --> 00:01:59,400
Wait till you hear my speech
at your wedding.
44
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:09,690
So that is why I am never
driving your car again.
45
00:02:09,690 --> 00:02:11,560
Well, at least you got the doors
to work when you got home.
46
00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:16,480
I got birthed
by a sedan today, Greg.
47
00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:17,690
And the OB-GYN?
48
00:02:17,690 --> 00:02:19,440
The neighbor's gardener.
49
00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:21,400
It's time to take your car
to the mechanic
50
00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:22,480
and get it fixed.
51
00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:23,690
I'd love to,
52
00:02:23,690 --> 00:02:25,020
but I just don't think
we can afford to right now.
53
00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:26,270
My book comes out tomorrow,
54
00:02:26,270 --> 00:02:27,600
and if it doesn't sell,
I'm not getting tenure.
55
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:29,600
Do you know what happens to
professors who don't get tenure?
56
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:30,850
Don't spiral.
57
00:02:30,850 --> 00:02:32,520
They end up substitute teachers
58
00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:34,310
moonlighting as hosts
at the Cheesecake Factory!
59
00:02:34,310 --> 00:02:35,560
I'm gonna gain 15...
60
00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:37,980
like that! Aaand...
you're spiraling.
61
00:02:37,980 --> 00:02:39,730
Why are you assuming the worst?
62
00:02:39,730 --> 00:02:41,600
It doesn't matter
about the book.
63
00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:43,600
You're gonna get tenure
either way.
64
00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:45,230
Katie, that's not how it works.
65
00:02:45,230 --> 00:02:47,770
If the book fails, we could
end up in the poor house.
66
00:02:47,770 --> 00:02:49,060
End up?
67
00:02:49,060 --> 00:02:50,850
Not one countertop
in this entire house
68
00:02:50,850 --> 00:02:52,140
is made of granite.
69
00:02:52,140 --> 00:02:53,440
We're already here.
70
00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,440
Himalayan salt?
71
00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:57,850
Who are we, Facebook employees
five through nine?
72
00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:00,730
And who's not finishing
their Go-Gurt?
73
00:03:00,730 --> 00:03:02,440
This family is now on a budget.
74
00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:05,100
New rule...
if you're food, you get eaten.
75
00:03:05,100 --> 00:03:07,560
But what about Hans Gruber?
76
00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:08,560
He's food!
77
00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:09,980
Are you gonna eat him?!
78
00:03:10,730 --> 00:03:12,140
What? No.
79
00:03:12,140 --> 00:03:13,770
Hans Gruber,
we knew this day would come.
80
00:03:13,770 --> 00:03:15,100
Run!
81
00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:20,640
I'm gonna leave a candle
on my window tonight
82
00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:22,560
so my parents with a castle
can find me.
83
00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:35,440
Greg's book comes out today,
84
00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:37,440
and he's worried
nobody's gonna buy it.
85
00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:38,190
I'll buy one.
86
00:03:39,350 --> 00:03:41,400
What? I bet he has
a dreamy author photo
87
00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:42,810
where he's sort of
staring at you
88
00:03:42,810 --> 00:03:45,730
with his glasses dangling
from his pillowy lips.
89
00:03:45,730 --> 00:03:48,100
Doris, you have your own husband
to fantasize about.
90
00:03:48,100 --> 00:03:50,690
All my Richard fantasies involve
me pushing him off a boat.
91
00:03:50,690 --> 00:03:53,690
So, is Greg spiraling?
92
00:03:53,690 --> 00:03:54,980
To save money on electricity,
93
00:03:54,980 --> 00:03:56,400
he wants us to unplug
the digital clock
94
00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:58,400
and just reset it
every time we get home.
95
00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:00,900
Greg is spiraling. I need that car fixed.
96
00:04:00,900 --> 00:04:03,020
This morning when the gardener
pulled me through the window,
97
00:04:03,020 --> 00:04:04,850
he got a big handful of Katie.
98
00:04:04,850 --> 00:04:06,980
Well, maybe Greg's book
will get some positive reviews
99
00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:08,020
and he'll calm down.
100
00:04:08,020 --> 00:04:09,190
Maybe.
101
00:04:09,190 --> 00:04:11,020
Or definitely.
102
00:04:11,020 --> 00:04:14,810
You two are going to
review his book on Amazon.
103
00:04:14,810 --> 00:04:16,100
If there's homework,
104
00:04:16,100 --> 00:04:17,730
I'm gonna stop coming
to these breakfasts.
105
00:04:17,730 --> 00:04:19,520
You don't have to read it...
Just give it a glowing review.
106
00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:21,440
The positive feedback
will make him feel better.
107
00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:23,560
Then he'll relax,
and then we can fix the car.
108
00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:25,020
Do you really think
our two reviews
109
00:04:25,020 --> 00:04:26,400
are gonna make a difference?
110
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:28,440
Trust me, one of my favorite
things about Greg
111
00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:31,900
is that a little breeze at
his back blows him a long way.
112
00:04:31,900 --> 00:04:33,190
Merry Christmas, Greg.
113
00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:34,350
Oh, honey,
114
00:04:34,350 --> 00:04:35,980
you shouldn't spend money
on lottery tickets...
115
00:04:35,980 --> 00:04:38,600
no one ever wins.
116
00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:41,600
Look at that! I won $10!
117
00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:43,190
Kids, we're going to Benihana!
118
00:04:43,190 --> 00:04:45,310
Everyone can have sodas!
119
00:04:45,310 --> 00:04:46,480
I went to Benihana once.
120
00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:48,190
The chef flipped shrimp tails
in the air
121
00:04:48,190 --> 00:04:49,600
and caught them in his hat.
122
00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:51,640
It was like a circus...
in a restaurant!
123
00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:53,690
So you'll help me?
124
00:04:53,690 --> 00:04:55,770
I've been sitting with you for an
hour and a half on a Thursday.
125
00:04:55,770 --> 00:04:57,310
I clearly have
nothing better to do.
126
00:05:01,770 --> 00:05:04,020
What's with all the fruits
and the leafy-green vegetables?
127
00:05:04,020 --> 00:05:05,310
Where is my diet soda?
128
00:05:05,310 --> 00:05:06,980
That stuff's terrible for you.
129
00:05:06,980 --> 00:05:08,230
It's loaded with chemicals.
130
00:05:08,230 --> 00:05:10,600
70% of my portfolio's
chemicals...
131
00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:13,230
why shouldn't 70%
of my body be, as well?
132
00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:15,600
70% of your portfolio?
133
00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:17,190
Interesting.
134
00:05:18,730 --> 00:05:20,310
What are you doing?
135
00:05:20,310 --> 00:05:21,810
I need to do a report for school
136
00:05:21,810 --> 00:05:23,310
about a successful person
in my life,
137
00:05:23,310 --> 00:05:24,810
and I'm choosing you.
138
00:05:24,810 --> 00:05:26,400
Oh. So let's start
from the beginning...
139
00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:28,600
what drove you to become
the man you are today?
140
00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:30,310
Well, I guess it was my dad.
141
00:05:30,310 --> 00:05:32,480
He shined shoes
in Grand Central Station.
142
00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:34,900
My drive
is not to struggle like he did.
143
00:05:34,900 --> 00:05:37,060
You know that saying,
"Money can't buy you happiness"?
144
00:05:37,060 --> 00:05:38,230
Yeah?
145
00:05:38,230 --> 00:05:39,770
Well, it's nonsense.
146
00:05:39,770 --> 00:05:41,310
Written by a rich person
147
00:05:41,310 --> 00:05:44,230
to make poor people feel better
about their sad lives.
148
00:05:44,230 --> 00:05:46,100
Rich people are the best.
149
00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:49,270
I want to do better
than my dad, too.
150
00:05:49,270 --> 00:05:51,190
Well, doesn't your dad
have a book coming out?
151
00:05:51,190 --> 00:05:52,230
Yeah, today.
152
00:05:52,230 --> 00:05:54,520
Well, he can make some dollars
off of that.
153
00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:56,770
It's called "John Stuart Mill
and the Consequences"
154
00:05:56,770 --> 00:05:58,690
of a Thoroughgoing
Empiricist Outlook."
155
00:05:58,690 --> 00:05:59,810
Oh. Well...
156
00:05:59,810 --> 00:06:02,100
money can't buy you happiness.
157
00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:04,400
Katie!
158
00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:05,900
Yeah?
159
00:06:05,900 --> 00:06:07,770
The first reviews of my book
are in and they love it!
160
00:06:07,770 --> 00:06:09,600
Amazing! Listen to this!
161
00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:11,400
"This isn't just the best"
162
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:13,440
John Stuart Mill book
I've ever read...
163
00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:15,690
"it's the best book
I've ever read, period."
164
00:06:15,690 --> 00:06:18,230
Wow. Here's another.
165
00:06:18,230 --> 00:06:20,480
"Greg Otto is clearly
a gifted author and historian.
166
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,060
And what a handsome
author photo."
167
00:06:22,060 --> 00:06:23,310
Well, thank you...
168
00:06:23,310 --> 00:06:24,810
DragonLady853.
169
00:06:24,810 --> 00:06:27,770
I told you
that you were overreacting.
170
00:06:27,770 --> 00:06:29,480
They go on and on. See?
171
00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:31,350
You were worried about nothing.
172
00:06:31,350 --> 00:06:33,770
Who knows,
maybe somewhere down the road,
173
00:06:33,770 --> 00:06:34,940
a John Stuart Mill musical.
174
00:06:34,940 --> 00:06:36,520
You're right.
175
00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:39,400
"Mill" is so much easier
to rhyme than "Hamilton."
176
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:40,810
Will. Kill. Chill.
177
00:06:40,810 --> 00:06:42,230
Look at this,
I'm writing already!
178
00:06:42,230 --> 00:06:44,020
And we'll get your car
all fixed up.
179
00:06:44,020 --> 00:06:45,690
You know what?
I'm taking it in the shop today.
180
00:06:45,690 --> 00:06:47,020
And I'm springin' for a gas cap.
181
00:06:47,020 --> 00:06:49,350
Say goodbye,
wad of balled-up paper towels.
182
00:06:50,940 --> 00:06:53,770
Thank you, DragonLady853
and WifeStealaForeva.
183
00:06:53,770 --> 00:06:55,230
Oh, my God!
184
00:06:55,230 --> 00:06:56,600
You are not
going to believe this...
185
00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:58,600
Londyn told Summit who told Zola
186
00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:01,600
that Trip Windsor is going to
ask me to the winter dance.
187
00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:03,940
Who? He's the gorgeous
new guy at school.
188
00:07:03,940 --> 00:07:05,600
Nobody knows anything about him.
189
00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:06,900
He's totally mysterious.
190
00:07:06,900 --> 00:07:08,480
Perfect. Mysterious stranger...
191
00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:09,600
every mother's dream.
192
00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:11,100
What, were there no drifters
193
00:07:11,100 --> 00:07:12,600
who kept to themselves
available?
194
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:14,190
Dad. He could be a great guy.
195
00:07:14,190 --> 00:07:16,190
Impossible! His name is Trip?
196
00:07:16,190 --> 00:07:17,850
The most slappable name
in the world.
197
00:07:17,850 --> 00:07:19,400
Now who's assuming the worst?
198
00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:21,350
Sometimes you need to take
the leap and see what happens.
199
00:07:21,350 --> 00:07:23,310
Like I did with my book, and...
200
00:07:23,310 --> 00:07:26,850
I say go for it. Thanks, Dad.
201
00:07:26,850 --> 00:07:29,020
You're not going to any dance
with a boy that we haven't met!
202
00:07:29,020 --> 00:07:32,480
Katie, jump and the net will appear.
203
00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:36,690
Damn you, DragonLady853
and WifeStealaForeva!
204
00:07:38,810 --> 00:07:40,810
Stay.
205
00:07:41,770 --> 00:07:42,810
Stay.
206
00:07:42,810 --> 00:07:44,270
Stay!
207
00:07:44,270 --> 00:07:47,020
Please, Hans Gruber!
You have to hide!
208
00:07:48,190 --> 00:07:50,400
You need to understand...
209
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:53,100
you've lived
a very sheltered life.
210
00:07:53,100 --> 00:07:56,560
But now people you've loved
and trusted want to eat you.
211
00:07:57,730 --> 00:07:59,310
Why did you have to be
so delicious?
212
00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:02,020
Okay...
213
00:08:02,020 --> 00:08:04,520
when I turn back around,
you better be gone.
214
00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:07,310
1...
215
00:08:07,310 --> 00:08:08,730
2...
216
00:08:08,730 --> 00:08:11,230
3!
217
00:08:11,230 --> 00:08:12,520
Where was this obedience
218
00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:15,020
when I told you
to stop pooping in my closet?
219
00:08:16,230 --> 00:08:19,350
Hans Gruber...
220
00:08:19,350 --> 00:08:21,900
you can't fall asleep without
your lavender night mask!
221
00:08:23,900 --> 00:08:25,480
Sounds like the reviews worked.
222
00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:27,730
Two days later, and he's out
getting the car fixed.
223
00:08:27,730 --> 00:08:29,560
Yeah, but I think you guys
might've gone too far.
224
00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:31,940
There's a subtle shift in Greg
ever since he read them.
225
00:08:31,940 --> 00:08:34,400
He encouraged Taylor
to hang out with Trip,
226
00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:36,810
and he's been doing finger guns
quite a bit lately.
227
00:08:36,810 --> 00:08:37,900
Is that so bad?
228
00:08:40,310 --> 00:08:41,980
That's horrible! I am so sorry!
229
00:08:41,980 --> 00:08:44,060
But he'll snap back
when his book doesn't sell.
230
00:08:44,060 --> 00:08:46,140
But then you'll have
a depressed Greg on your hands.
231
00:08:46,140 --> 00:08:48,020
That I know how to handle.
232
00:08:48,020 --> 00:08:50,270
I make him a meatloaf,
let him call me Martha,
233
00:08:50,270 --> 00:08:51,810
and we play a little game called
234
00:08:51,810 --> 00:08:54,520
"General Washington comes home
from the war."
235
00:08:54,520 --> 00:08:55,900
Please don't tell me
you have a costume.
236
00:08:57,140 --> 00:08:58,900
You have a costume.
237
00:08:59,900 --> 00:09:01,980
Wow. He got the horn fixed.
238
00:09:01,980 --> 00:09:04,020
That was fast.
239
00:09:07,810 --> 00:09:09,600
That is not your car.
240
00:09:15,350 --> 00:09:18,900
Well, ladies, what do you think?
241
00:09:18,900 --> 00:09:21,060
You bought a brand-new car?
242
00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:22,060
I got a great deal.
243
00:09:22,060 --> 00:09:23,270
The dealership gave me
244
00:09:23,270 --> 00:09:25,060
a month
of satellite radio for free!
245
00:09:25,060 --> 00:09:26,310
We can't afford a new car.
246
00:09:26,310 --> 00:09:28,060
We can't afford a new anything.
247
00:09:28,060 --> 00:09:29,810
The net has appeared.
248
00:09:31,230 --> 00:09:33,310
It's even worse when he does it.
249
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,940
Oh, my God, he holstered them.
250
00:09:42,020 --> 00:09:43,350
What is this?
251
00:09:43,350 --> 00:09:45,230
You were supposed to
get your car fixed.
252
00:09:45,230 --> 00:09:47,230
I was, until I pulled into
the shop at the dealership
253
00:09:47,230 --> 00:09:48,770
and I saw this baby
in the window.
254
00:09:48,770 --> 00:09:50,690
Sometimes you just have to say,
"What the heck?"
255
00:09:50,690 --> 00:09:52,020
Mm.
256
00:09:52,020 --> 00:09:53,310
Then I stopped at Benihana
for lunch.
257
00:09:53,310 --> 00:09:54,730
It's not as fun when it's just you.
Greg.
258
00:09:54,730 --> 00:09:56,270
This is a new car.
259
00:09:56,270 --> 00:09:58,190
We're not a new-car family.
260
00:09:58,190 --> 00:10:00,310
We're not a new-anything family.
261
00:10:00,310 --> 00:10:02,810
You know why our pillowcases
are so soft?
262
00:10:02,810 --> 00:10:05,400
I bought them
at the Petersons' yard sale.
263
00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:08,770
That's right, we sleep on
dead-people sheets.
264
00:10:08,770 --> 00:10:10,940
I knew you'd be a bit hesitant. Let
me show you what this baby's got.
265
00:10:11,940 --> 00:10:13,640
Front-wheel drive.
266
00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:15,230
Heated front seats.
267
00:10:15,230 --> 00:10:16,810
Intelligent clearance sonar.
268
00:10:16,810 --> 00:10:18,140
Ask me what that means?
269
00:10:18,140 --> 00:10:20,060
I don't know, but it's awesome!
270
00:10:20,060 --> 00:10:21,190
Does that have any features
271
00:10:21,190 --> 00:10:22,440
that let you
go back in time and return it?
272
00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:25,230
I know my cheap Greg
is in there somewhere.
273
00:10:25,230 --> 00:10:26,810
The one
who waters down Palmolive
274
00:10:26,810 --> 00:10:28,520
so I can barely
get my dishes clean.
275
00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:30,060
What are you talking about?
276
00:10:30,060 --> 00:10:32,440
This car needs to go back.
277
00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:34,020
Katie, we're fine.
278
00:10:34,020 --> 00:10:36,190
The reviews for my book
are amazing.
279
00:10:36,190 --> 00:10:37,640
It'll be a hit...
I'll get tenure.
280
00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:39,350
We deserve to be
a new-car family.
281
00:10:39,350 --> 00:10:41,270
Your book only has two reviews.
282
00:10:41,270 --> 00:10:43,560
Two stellar reviews.
283
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:44,980
Yeah.
284
00:10:44,980 --> 00:10:46,900
"This isn't a book...
it's a revelation."
285
00:10:46,900 --> 00:10:49,400
This love letter to Mill
is a masterpiece
286
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:51,270
"our generation doesn't deserve."
287
00:10:51,270 --> 00:10:52,270
That...
288
00:10:52,270 --> 00:10:53,810
is an excellent turn of phrase.
289
00:10:53,810 --> 00:10:55,190
There's another one.
290
00:10:55,190 --> 00:10:56,600
"This treatise has no equal."
291
00:10:56,600 --> 00:11:00,020
It is the sun and we are
fortunate to bask in its light.
292
00:11:00,020 --> 00:11:01,810
"Greg Otto is a luminary."
293
00:11:01,810 --> 00:11:04,100
But reviews are not sales.
294
00:11:04,100 --> 00:11:05,900
A luminary, Katie.
295
00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:13,690
Whoa, Taylor's really
stepped up her game.
296
00:11:13,690 --> 00:11:15,020
Hey, guys.
297
00:11:15,020 --> 00:11:17,900
This is Trip... my non-drifter
date to the dance.
298
00:11:17,900 --> 00:11:19,900
Whoa!
299
00:11:19,900 --> 00:11:21,730
Sweet ride.
300
00:11:21,730 --> 00:11:24,440
Love this guy.
See? Who was right?
301
00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:26,100
Is there anything
I'm not nailin' today?
302
00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:27,440
Yeah, I can think of something.
303
00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:29,480
So, is that your car?
304
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:31,600
Yeah. Yep. My parents promised to
buy the car if I got straight C's.
305
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:32,850
Ahh.
306
00:11:32,850 --> 00:11:34,100
Straight C's?
307
00:11:34,100 --> 00:11:35,440
Yeah. And I finally got 'em.
308
00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:36,730
Mm.
309
00:11:36,730 --> 00:11:38,980
Well, one D,
but it was just English,
310
00:11:38,980 --> 00:11:40,400
so my parents were cool.
311
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:41,900
What kinda mileage
you get on that thing?
312
00:11:41,900 --> 00:11:43,190
Uhhh...
313
00:11:43,190 --> 00:11:44,600
If this is a test,
314
00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:46,190
I'm legally allowed
to take it untimed.
315
00:11:47,850 --> 00:11:49,270
Whoa!
316
00:11:49,270 --> 00:11:51,440
This thing's got
so many buttons.
317
00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:52,940
Yeah, it does. High five!
318
00:11:52,940 --> 00:11:54,190
Red sports-car club!
319
00:11:54,190 --> 00:11:55,520
Yeah.
320
00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:57,020
Great.
321
00:11:57,020 --> 00:11:59,640
Now I'm dealing with a smart
moron and a moron moron.
322
00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:01,060
Hans Gruber?
323
00:12:01,060 --> 00:12:03,560
Where have you gone to?
324
00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:07,100
I've got your favorite food...
trash.
325
00:12:10,900 --> 00:12:11,980
This is all your fault.
326
00:12:11,980 --> 00:12:13,900
Our fault? Yes!
327
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:15,600
Your reviews were too good.
328
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:18,400
And now Greg is spending money
we don't have.
329
00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:20,020
Hey, don't hand Michelangelo
a paint brush
330
00:12:20,020 --> 00:12:22,100
and then complain
when you get the Sistine Chapel.
331
00:12:22,100 --> 00:12:24,230
I got them to throw in
a free month of satellite radio,
332
00:12:24,230 --> 00:12:26,060
and this month
has 31 days, so...
333
00:12:26,060 --> 00:12:27,100
Legend!
334
00:12:28,310 --> 00:12:30,690
I've got to tell Greg the truth.
335
00:12:30,690 --> 00:12:32,230
That you had us make up reviews
336
00:12:32,230 --> 00:12:34,310
so he could feel good and
you could get your car fixed?
337
00:12:34,310 --> 00:12:36,140
God, that's the truth?
338
00:12:36,140 --> 00:12:37,810
The truth sounds awful.
339
00:12:37,810 --> 00:12:40,810
Greg, can I have a word
with you?
340
00:12:40,810 --> 00:12:43,100
Kind of in the middle of
a red-sports-car club meeting.
341
00:12:43,100 --> 00:12:44,400
Come on, Trip, let's go.
342
00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:45,770
Whenever my mom says that,
343
00:12:45,770 --> 00:12:47,810
it's never one word,
and it's never good.
344
00:12:47,810 --> 00:12:49,270
Meeting adjourned.
345
00:12:49,270 --> 00:12:51,560
Love it.
346
00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:55,520
About the reviews you got...
347
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:57,350
Yeah, I still can't believe them.
Good.
348
00:12:57,350 --> 00:12:59,020
That is a good zone to be in,
349
00:12:59,020 --> 00:13:00,480
but the thing is...
350
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,850
Whoa! It's my publisher.
Talk to me, Vance.
351
00:13:02,850 --> 00:13:04,600
Thank God. I'm off the hook.
352
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,600
His publisher will tell him
the book bombed,
353
00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:08,270
and I'll be here to cheer him up
354
00:13:08,270 --> 00:13:10,140
dressed as a panty-less
Martha Washington.
355
00:13:10,140 --> 00:13:12,140
Then we can return the car
and go back to normal.
356
00:13:13,190 --> 00:13:16,690
Oh, Greg, I'm sorry.
357
00:13:16,690 --> 00:13:19,560
The book sold out.
All 10,000 copies.
358
00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:20,560
It's a hit!
359
00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:23,020
Yeah, I'd be speechless, too,
360
00:13:23,020 --> 00:13:25,640
if I found myself
married to a luminary.
361
00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:27,190
Sorry, "moist."
362
00:13:27,190 --> 00:13:30,190
"Luminary" just became
my new least-favorite word.
363
00:13:33,190 --> 00:13:35,190
A best-seller and a new car?
364
00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:37,020
Sounds like
your dad's on a roll.
365
00:13:37,020 --> 00:13:40,020
I won't be offended if you want
to write that report on him.
366
00:13:40,020 --> 00:13:41,980
Why would I write about him
when I can write about you?
367
00:13:41,980 --> 00:13:43,400
Your life's amazing.
368
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:45,100
You were the one
369
00:13:45,100 --> 00:13:46,810
who turned Michael Jackson on
to chimpanzees.
370
00:13:46,810 --> 00:13:49,400
Anyone can write about me.
Hell, plenty of people have.
371
00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:51,690
But no one has yet broken
the story of Greg Otto.
372
00:13:51,690 --> 00:13:53,100
I guess.
373
00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:55,190
But my dad's never even
been to prison.
374
00:13:55,190 --> 00:13:56,270
And I don't want you to keep
375
00:13:56,270 --> 00:13:57,900
building up federal prison
in your head.
376
00:13:57,900 --> 00:13:59,020
I mean, it's great,
377
00:13:59,020 --> 00:14:01,310
but to put it in terms
you'd understand...
378
00:14:01,310 --> 00:14:06,310
Oahu, Lanai, Maui,
prison, Kauai.
379
00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:12,480
It's true. It's sold out.
380
00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:13,730
I know.
381
00:14:13,730 --> 00:14:14,770
Greg is so happy.
382
00:14:14,770 --> 00:14:16,230
It's like that time he thought
383
00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:17,900
he saw Bill Nye
at the farmers market.
384
00:14:17,900 --> 00:14:19,520
Hello.
385
00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:21,560
Hmm...
386
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:24,520
Do we have any tapenade?
387
00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:27,940
I don't think so because
I don't know what that is.
388
00:14:27,940 --> 00:14:29,020
Well, we're gonna need
to get some
389
00:14:29,020 --> 00:14:30,600
because now that
I'm a celebrated author,
390
00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:32,600
I'm gonna start hosting
a weekly salon
391
00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:34,270
here at the house.
392
00:14:34,270 --> 00:14:36,520
Why would we get haircuts
in our house?
393
00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:38,730
Oh, Katie. No.
394
00:14:38,730 --> 00:14:42,060
A salon is a gathering of minds
to explore intellectual topics.
395
00:14:43,310 --> 00:14:46,140
I'm not loving
what's going on here.
396
00:14:46,140 --> 00:14:48,060
You ladies are welcome
to come to the salon,
397
00:14:48,060 --> 00:14:49,350
as observers, of course.
398
00:14:49,350 --> 00:14:52,020
You can observe me
giving you one of these.
399
00:14:52,020 --> 00:14:53,770
Okay.
400
00:14:53,770 --> 00:14:55,230
I know you're not happy
with where you are in life,
401
00:14:55,230 --> 00:14:57,480
but someday, girls, like me,
402
00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,480
your ship will come in.
403
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:02,560
Uh, I only have my kids
every other weekend.
404
00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:04,730
My ship has come in, baby.
405
00:15:08,020 --> 00:15:10,900
You know, sometimes I think
your Second Breakfast rants
406
00:15:10,900 --> 00:15:13,560
are just you complaining,
but this is real.
407
00:15:15,940 --> 00:15:18,060
See you at school.
408
00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:24,190
Hey, Kate, can you tell Greg
that I had to scoot?
409
00:15:27,350 --> 00:15:29,350
Mrs. Otto will tell Mr. Otto
410
00:15:29,350 --> 00:15:32,100
that Taylor's new friend
had to leave.
411
00:15:32,100 --> 00:15:33,350
Yeah, you can tell him, too.
412
00:15:33,350 --> 00:15:35,400
Whatever. Trip...
413
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:37,730
I don't think
you and Taylor should date.
414
00:15:37,730 --> 00:15:39,020
Totally!
415
00:15:39,020 --> 00:15:40,480
We're on the same page.
416
00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:41,520
Keeping it caj.
417
00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:43,560
Just a fun, physical thing,
you know?
418
00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:45,440
Lates, Kate.
419
00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:48,770
Easy on the eyes.
Tough on the brain.
420
00:15:48,770 --> 00:15:50,020
Bright side...
421
00:15:50,020 --> 00:15:52,020
Taylor gets to be the smart one
in the relationship.
422
00:15:52,020 --> 00:15:53,350
Ugh!
423
00:15:53,350 --> 00:15:55,020
Greg and Taylor
are stressing me out!
424
00:15:55,020 --> 00:15:56,350
I'm going to go sit
in the new Camry
425
00:15:56,350 --> 00:15:57,980
and enjoy
that there are no sticky pennies
426
00:15:57,980 --> 00:16:00,100
stuck in the cup holders.
427
00:16:08,940 --> 00:16:10,440
Hans Gruber!
428
00:16:12,980 --> 00:16:17,140
Ohh, hey, bacon legs,
get back here!
429
00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:22,600
Ohh!
430
00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:33,400
I don't know
what the pig told you,
431
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:34,520
but they're not mine.
432
00:16:40,140 --> 00:16:42,600
How many of Greg's books
did you buy?
433
00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:43,810
All of them.
434
00:16:43,810 --> 00:16:45,060
Why?
435
00:16:45,060 --> 00:16:46,770
Well, Oliver was interviewing me
436
00:16:46,770 --> 00:16:48,940
for a report on
someone successful in his life,
437
00:16:48,940 --> 00:16:50,060
and I thought he should do it
on his dad
438
00:16:50,060 --> 00:16:51,600
instead of me.
439
00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:53,770
So you bought the books
to make Greg look good.
440
00:16:53,770 --> 00:16:55,350
Well, a boy should be
proud of his father.
441
00:16:55,350 --> 00:16:57,440
I wasn't, and I regret it.
442
00:16:57,440 --> 00:16:59,730
That's very sweet of you,
Spencer.
443
00:16:59,730 --> 00:17:01,640
But 10,000 copies?
444
00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:04,400
I only meant to buy a few dozen,
but when I did...
445
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:06,850
Have you seen
this amazon.com thing?
446
00:17:06,850 --> 00:17:08,400
Of course!
447
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:10,270
You haven't lived
until you get a snow shovel
448
00:17:10,270 --> 00:17:12,100
and baby carrots
in the same package.
449
00:17:12,100 --> 00:17:13,600
I'm banned from trading stocks,
450
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:15,230
so when I started
buying Greg's book
451
00:17:15,230 --> 00:17:17,440
and I saw it
climb up the sales ranking,
452
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:19,440
it gave me a rush
like the old days.
453
00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:20,940
And before I knew it,
I bought them all.
454
00:17:20,940 --> 00:17:23,440
Come on, Hans Gruber.
455
00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:26,310
Let's go home and bring
our luminary back down to Earth.
456
00:17:26,310 --> 00:17:29,310
What are you going to do
with all these books?
457
00:17:29,310 --> 00:17:31,850
Disappoint trick-or-treaters
for the next 10 or so years.
458
00:17:34,900 --> 00:17:37,440
Greg, I need to talk to you
about something.
459
00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:39,190
Hans Gruber, you're safe,
460
00:17:39,190 --> 00:17:40,690
and you don't have to hide
anymore!
461
00:17:40,690 --> 00:17:42,190
My dad's book is a success,
462
00:17:42,190 --> 00:17:44,100
so we can afford not to eat you!
463
00:17:44,100 --> 00:17:45,270
Well, Hans,
don't get too comfortable.
464
00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:48,230
Greg, I need to tell you s...
465
00:17:48,230 --> 00:17:49,810
"Until this report, I never knew"
466
00:17:49,810 --> 00:17:50,980
that my dad
wrote his book at night
467
00:17:50,980 --> 00:17:52,560
after we all went to sleep.
468
00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:54,400
Sometimes he worked
until 4:00 in the morning
469
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:56,100
because he put his family first.
470
00:17:56,100 --> 00:17:58,100
He didn't sacrifice us
for his dream.
471
00:17:58,100 --> 00:18:01,140
And still, his dream came true.
472
00:18:01,140 --> 00:18:03,020
Sometimes being a good man
473
00:18:03,020 --> 00:18:05,060
makes you a great man.
474
00:18:05,060 --> 00:18:07,270
"I couldn't be more proud
to be his son."
475
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:10,770
That's the best review
I've ever gotten.
476
00:18:14,730 --> 00:18:17,190
I'm gonna put a cover on this
477
00:18:17,190 --> 00:18:18,310
and go watch "Game of Thrones."
478
00:18:18,310 --> 00:18:19,350
No, you're not.
479
00:18:19,350 --> 00:18:20,560
All my friends are allowed to.
480
00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:21,560
No, they're not.
481
00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:25,600
Mm.
482
00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:26,810
I'm proud of you, too.
483
00:18:26,810 --> 00:18:28,060
Thanks, honey.
484
00:18:28,060 --> 00:18:29,270
What did you want to talk about?
485
00:18:29,270 --> 00:18:31,230
Just, um...
486
00:18:31,230 --> 00:18:34,850
What should we serve
at your salon?
487
00:18:34,850 --> 00:18:36,810
Hmm...
488
00:18:36,810 --> 00:18:38,940
pistachios.
489
00:18:38,940 --> 00:18:40,640
Pistachios?
490
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:43,940
Oh, God, I so want to tell him
about the books!
491
00:18:45,980 --> 00:18:48,480
Hey, Mom.
Trip's gonna pick me up.
492
00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:50,560
We're gonna go see a movie.
Taylor.
493
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:51,640
Sit down.
494
00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:52,850
Here it comes.
495
00:18:52,850 --> 00:18:54,600
Here what comes?
496
00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:56,020
You don't like him.
You don't want me seeing him.
497
00:18:56,020 --> 00:18:56,940
You think I'm too good for him.
498
00:18:56,940 --> 00:18:58,230
That's the gist of it,
499
00:18:58,230 --> 00:18:59,310
but I would have
said it snarkier.
500
00:18:59,310 --> 00:19:01,940
I still want to date him. Why?
501
00:19:01,940 --> 00:19:04,270
Because he's nice.
And he's cute.
502
00:19:04,270 --> 00:19:06,350
And you always talk about
all the dumb guys
503
00:19:06,350 --> 00:19:07,640
you dated before Dad.
504
00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:09,690
Maybe the reason
you fell in love with him
505
00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:12,270
is because you got all those
dumb guys out of your system.
506
00:19:12,270 --> 00:19:13,440
No.
507
00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:16,270
Don't you make me see things
in a new light.
508
00:19:16,270 --> 00:19:17,940
I promise I won't be home late.
509
00:19:17,940 --> 00:19:19,770
All right.
510
00:19:19,770 --> 00:19:21,940
Go to the movies.
511
00:19:21,940 --> 00:19:23,600
Just nothing 3-D.
512
00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:25,730
You don't want him doing this
the whole time.
513
00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:35,770
I was thinking Wednesday
for your salon.
514
00:19:35,770 --> 00:19:37,600
I'll have the tapenade ready.
515
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:39,020
I looked it up online.
516
00:19:39,020 --> 00:19:42,230
Turns out it's just a fancy word
for mushed-up olives.
517
00:19:42,230 --> 00:19:43,730
I know that Spencer
bought all my books.
518
00:19:43,730 --> 00:19:46,190
And I know you know.
519
00:19:46,190 --> 00:19:48,140
I wanted to do a book tour.
520
00:19:48,140 --> 00:19:50,020
So my publisher tracked my sales
521
00:19:50,020 --> 00:19:51,810
to see which cities
I should visit.
522
00:19:51,810 --> 00:19:54,560
Turns out all my books sold
in just one town...
523
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:58,310
just this town...
just one address.
524
00:19:58,310 --> 00:20:00,730
Spencer's.
525
00:20:00,730 --> 00:20:03,270
He just assumed I was there because
you'd already told me everything.
526
00:20:03,270 --> 00:20:05,400
He gave me a signed copy
of my own book.
527
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:07,190
I don't know why he signed it.
528
00:20:07,190 --> 00:20:08,810
So, thanks.
529
00:20:08,810 --> 00:20:10,020
For what?
530
00:20:11,310 --> 00:20:13,940
For knowing the truth
but letting me have the win,
531
00:20:13,940 --> 00:20:16,270
even though I was acting
like a pompous jerk.
532
00:20:16,270 --> 00:20:18,560
You weren't pompous, honey.
533
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:21,190
You were just a luminary
planning a salon.
534
00:20:21,190 --> 00:20:22,310
Oh, God.
535
00:20:23,350 --> 00:20:25,140
I guess I let success
get to my head.
536
00:20:25,140 --> 00:20:26,940
Well, that won't be
a problem now.
537
00:20:26,940 --> 00:20:29,060
Only one person bought my book.
Hey!
538
00:20:29,060 --> 00:20:30,810
Who knows how many books
you might have sold
539
00:20:30,810 --> 00:20:32,480
if Spencer
hadn't bought them all?
540
00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:33,730
Yeah, I guess.
541
00:20:33,730 --> 00:20:37,020
Plus, as far as
the tenure committee knows,
542
00:20:37,020 --> 00:20:38,350
you sold 10,000 books!
543
00:20:38,350 --> 00:20:40,100
Don't do that thing
544
00:20:40,100 --> 00:20:42,480
where you tell people the truth
when you don't have to.
545
00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:44,400
You don't bring
the empty candy wrappers
546
00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:45,810
to the cash register.
547
00:20:45,810 --> 00:20:47,850
You tuck them behind
some produce.
548
00:20:47,850 --> 00:20:50,060
Katie, ethically,
I feel I have to tell them...
549
00:20:50,060 --> 00:20:51,850
That's the only way
we get to keep the car.
550
00:20:51,850 --> 00:20:53,600
That my book sold out
on the first day.
551
00:21:01,060 --> 00:21:02,190
You wouldn't believe
the day I had, honey.
552
00:21:02,190 --> 00:21:03,980
But it was worth it. We won.
553
00:21:03,980 --> 00:21:06,730
So the British surrendered?
554
00:21:06,730 --> 00:21:07,980
Yes, verily.
555
00:21:07,980 --> 00:21:09,140
We surprised them at Yorktown
556
00:21:09,140 --> 00:21:10,310
and battled them
back to the ocean.
557
00:21:10,310 --> 00:21:12,270
That's wonderful, George.
558
00:21:12,270 --> 00:21:15,310
Now eat some meat loaf
and then we'll retire upstairs.
559
00:21:16,810 --> 00:21:18,310
Eat fast.
The kids' movie ends at 9:00.
560
00:21:18,310 --> 00:21:19,310
Mmm!
561
00:21:19,310 --> 00:21:20,270
Yeah.
562
00:21:28,020 --> 00:21:29,393
.srt Extracted, Synced and Corrected
by Dan4Jem, AD.I.MMXVIII
40234
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