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1
00:00:00,968 --> 00:00:02,668
You're watching The Simpsons.
2
00:00:02,670 --> 00:00:05,370
You know your life sucks.
Just get drunk
like you always do.
3
00:00:05,373 --> 00:00:06,973
Catch all-new episodes Sundays.
4
00:00:06,974 --> 00:00:08,814
And check outour other Fox programs,
5
00:00:08,809 --> 00:00:11,609
Brooklyn Nine-Nine,
Bob's Burgers and Family Guy.
6
00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:14,512
What is this,
and how can I make the rest
of my life about it?
7
00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:15,745
Only on Fox.
8
00:00:20,621 --> 00:00:22,351
(men screaming)
9
00:00:26,060 --> 00:00:27,630
(exclaiming)
10
00:00:32,299 --> 00:00:34,299
(school bell ringing)
11
00:00:36,904 --> 00:00:38,304
(grunts)
Hey!
12
00:00:38,305 --> 00:00:41,535
(theme music stops)
13
00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:42,542
(theme music resumes)
14
00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:43,543
(whistle blows)
15
00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:44,544
(yells)
16
00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:46,545
(choking)
(theme music stops)
17
00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:47,707
(body thuds)
18
00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:48,705
(theme music resumes)
19
00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:51,746
(playing the blues)
20
00:00:54,255 --> 00:00:57,415
(blows wrong note, grunts)
(theme music stops)
21
00:00:57,425 --> 00:01:00,085
(theme songs resumes,
tires screech)
22
00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:02,834
(Marge screams)
23
00:01:05,433 --> 00:01:06,333
(chicken clucking)
24
00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:11,840
(theme music stops)
25
00:01:17,378 --> 00:01:21,248
♪ ♪
26
00:01:21,248 --> 00:01:23,678
Hello?
Hello?
27
00:01:27,288 --> 00:01:29,248
Oh, finally, I get the remote.
28
00:01:29,256 --> 00:01:31,316
♪ ♪
29
00:01:35,863 --> 00:01:37,763
Hmm.
Hmm?
30
00:01:37,765 --> 00:01:41,195
Homer, are you ever planning
on putting this stuff together?
31
00:01:41,202 --> 00:01:45,542
Sure, right after
I watch this DVD.
32
00:01:45,539 --> 00:01:47,109
(clicks tongue, groans)
Just what are you watching
33
00:01:47,108 --> 00:01:48,638
that's so important?
34
00:01:48,642 --> 00:01:51,112
Outstanding CollegeMascot Fights?
35
00:01:51,112 --> 00:01:52,912
S.E.C. edition.
36
00:01:52,913 --> 00:01:54,953
(marching band music plays)
37
00:01:54,949 --> 00:01:55,979
(blows landing)
38
00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:58,083
The top-heavy mascots
always lose.
39
00:01:58,085 --> 00:02:00,045
Unless they're fighting
something with no arms.
40
00:02:00,054 --> 00:02:02,094
See?
The Stanford Tree
41
00:02:02,089 --> 00:02:05,059
is no match for
the Tulane Green Wave.
42
00:02:05,059 --> 00:02:06,129
(gasps)
43
00:02:06,127 --> 00:02:07,257
There's people inside.
44
00:02:07,261 --> 00:02:08,591
Marge, do you see?
45
00:02:08,596 --> 00:02:11,096
(gasps)
Maggie!
46
00:02:11,098 --> 00:02:12,258
That's it, mister.
47
00:02:12,266 --> 00:02:14,126
You're putting everything
together today.
48
00:02:14,135 --> 00:02:15,125
Marjorie,
49
00:02:15,136 --> 00:02:16,436
isn't it a little sexist
50
00:02:16,437 --> 00:02:19,237
to expect me to do
all the carpentry?
51
00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:22,070
Or you can take Bart to the mall
to get fitted for...
52
00:02:22,076 --> 00:02:24,306
(power drill running)
Sorry, the drill is too loud!
53
00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:26,411
I can't hear the options!
54
00:02:26,413 --> 00:02:27,583
(groans)
55
00:02:27,581 --> 00:02:31,821
(grunting softly)
56
00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:34,289
(phonetically):
"Vous avez 'termine'"?
57
00:02:34,288 --> 00:02:35,948
"Vous avez
'termine'"?
58
00:02:35,956 --> 00:02:37,116
"Du ar klar"?
59
00:02:37,124 --> 00:02:38,824
"Du bist fertig"?
60
00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:41,356
"You are 'fini-shed'"?
61
00:02:41,362 --> 00:02:42,762
Oh, I am finished!
62
00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:43,763
Whoo-hoo!
63
00:02:43,764 --> 00:02:45,504
(grunting)
64
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:46,499
D'oh!
65
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:47,770
I'm trapped.
66
00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:50,168
(worried grunting)
67
00:02:50,171 --> 00:02:51,601
(high-pitched):
Here, boy. Come here.
68
00:02:51,605 --> 00:02:53,635
Who's a good Allen wrench?
69
00:02:53,641 --> 00:02:55,141
You's a good Allen wrench.
70
00:02:55,142 --> 00:02:56,142
Come here.
71
00:02:56,143 --> 00:02:58,213
(sucking in)
72
00:02:58,212 --> 00:02:59,882
Come on.
73
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:02,880
(choking)
74
00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:04,183
(loud cough)
75
00:03:04,185 --> 00:03:06,945
Huh? That isn't the same
Allen wrench I swallowed.
76
00:03:06,954 --> 00:03:08,724
(grunting angrily)
77
00:03:08,722 --> 00:03:10,822
(line rings)
78
00:03:10,824 --> 00:03:12,794
Hey, Barney, how's it going?
79
00:03:12,793 --> 00:03:14,363
Fine.
How are you?
80
00:03:14,361 --> 00:03:18,361
I need help.
Can you come right over?
81
00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:21,465
Homer, you should use
the Choremonkey app.
82
00:03:21,468 --> 00:03:22,998
People do all your chores,
83
00:03:23,003 --> 00:03:25,403
so you're free
to follow your dreams.
84
00:03:25,406 --> 00:03:29,836
My dream right now is beer
and toilet paper.
85
00:03:29,843 --> 00:03:33,053
Mr. Gumble,
because I'm a decent person,
86
00:03:33,047 --> 00:03:35,247
this is the last beer
I'm going to bring you.
87
00:03:35,249 --> 00:03:37,019
I'll just use Uburp.
88
00:03:37,017 --> 00:03:38,077
(belch sound)
89
00:03:38,085 --> 00:03:39,475
(cat yowling)
90
00:03:39,486 --> 00:03:42,316
Stop eating me,
I'm not dead yet!
91
00:03:42,323 --> 00:03:43,863
(cat yowling loudly)
92
00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:46,427
Choremonkey to the rescue.
93
00:03:46,427 --> 00:03:47,657
Oh!
94
00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:49,391
Oh, thank you.
95
00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:52,996
I think this is the beginning
of an unhealthy dependence.
96
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:54,030
Aw.
97
00:03:54,034 --> 00:03:55,274
(Steely Dan's "Dirty Work"
playing)
98
00:03:55,269 --> 00:03:58,899
HOMER: ♪ I'm a fool to do
my dirty work ♪
99
00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:01,106
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
100
00:04:01,108 --> 00:04:05,408
♪ I can hire all
these nerdy jerks ♪
101
00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:06,782
♪ For free ♪
102
00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:08,850
♪ ♪
103
00:04:12,019 --> 00:04:13,119
(music fades out)
104
00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:16,890
♪ I ain't gonna do
my dirty work ♪
105
00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:19,090
♪ No more ♪
106
00:04:19,093 --> 00:04:22,633
♪ Gonna leave my socks
and dirty shirt ♪
107
00:04:22,630 --> 00:04:24,430
♪ On the floor. ♪
108
00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:25,431
Homie,
109
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:26,772
I don't like that the house
110
00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:28,927
is full of strangers
all the time.
111
00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:31,436
And I-- wait, wait, why are you
taking out your phone?
112
00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:32,438
(gasps)
113
00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:35,039
No.
Don't you Choremonkey me!
114
00:04:35,042 --> 00:04:37,612
Sweetie, you know
I'm no good at arguments,
115
00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,441
so I brought in
a professional.
116
00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:40,946
Hello, ma'am, my name's Blake,
117
00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:43,548
and I'm a retired
FBI hostage negotiator.
118
00:04:43,550 --> 00:04:46,550
I wouldn't say this is
a hostage situation.
119
00:04:46,553 --> 00:04:47,723
Mm, no one said it was, ma'am.
120
00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:49,221
I'm just here to listen.
121
00:04:49,223 --> 00:04:50,923
So that was step one: listening.
122
00:04:50,924 --> 00:04:52,094
Next, empathy.
123
00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:54,092
I'm standing right
here, you know.
124
00:04:54,094 --> 00:04:56,834
Mm, it must be frustrating
for you to hear me talk
125
00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:58,160
like you're invisible.
126
00:04:58,165 --> 00:05:00,665
It is.
It is.
127
00:05:00,668 --> 00:05:02,428
Step three: I build a rapport.
128
00:05:02,436 --> 00:05:05,266
You know, I love
the color scheme in your home.
129
00:05:05,272 --> 00:05:08,442
I feel like you're saying that
just to build a rapport with me.
130
00:05:08,442 --> 00:05:10,512
Wow, that's very observant.
131
00:05:10,511 --> 00:05:11,811
Very wise.
132
00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:13,582
Oh, well, thank you.
133
00:05:13,580 --> 00:05:14,610
(softly):
Nice.
134
00:05:14,615 --> 00:05:15,775
This ain't my first rodeo.
135
00:05:15,783 --> 00:05:16,923
Marge, right now
136
00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:19,147
I bet you wish you
were just back home
137
00:05:19,153 --> 00:05:20,153
in your kitchen.
138
00:05:20,154 --> 00:05:22,094
I am back home in my kitchen!
139
00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:23,459
Then life is good.
140
00:05:23,457 --> 00:05:24,457
Am I right?
141
00:05:24,458 --> 00:05:25,788
Mm-hmm. You are.
142
00:05:25,793 --> 00:05:28,263
While I'm here, could I also
fix your icemaker?
143
00:05:28,262 --> 00:05:29,262
Yes.
144
00:05:29,263 --> 00:05:30,763
Oh, yes.
145
00:05:30,764 --> 00:05:32,434
Blake, I adore you.
146
00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:33,833
Shh.
It's over now.
147
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,534
Go get some rest.
148
00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:37,136
Hmm.
149
00:05:37,137 --> 00:05:39,437
Homer, can we
throw the ball around?
150
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:41,470
Oh, um...
151
00:05:41,475 --> 00:05:43,805
By "we," I mean me
and your chore monkey.
152
00:05:43,811 --> 00:05:46,381
(chuckling):
Oh, of course! Sure, buddy.
153
00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:48,310
For you I'll get one
without a criminal record.
154
00:05:48,315 --> 00:05:50,615
Which means I'll have
to use Choremonkey Gold.
155
00:05:50,617 --> 00:05:51,847
(cash register dings)
156
00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:55,287
Good one, Bart.
(grunts)
157
00:05:55,289 --> 00:05:58,189
Wait, are you Heisman
Trophy-winner Matt Leinart?
158
00:05:58,192 --> 00:05:59,462
Yep, I am.
159
00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:00,860
And you need this job?
160
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:03,831
Yeah, I haven't really been
smart with my money
161
00:06:03,831 --> 00:06:05,231
after football.
162
00:06:05,232 --> 00:06:06,902
(air hisses)
163
00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:09,130
But what about your
broadcasting work?
164
00:06:09,136 --> 00:06:12,496
Uh, sunk it all into my
Thai-Irish fusion restaurant,
165
00:06:12,506 --> 00:06:13,966
Shamrock Spice.
166
00:06:16,510 --> 00:06:18,380
(backup sensor beeping)
167
00:06:18,379 --> 00:06:20,809
On the plus side, he taught me
how to throw a perfect spiral.
168
00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:21,914
(grunts)
169
00:06:21,915 --> 00:06:23,075
Yes!
170
00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:24,553
Frozen rope, kiddo!
171
00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:26,321
Aw, love you, man.
172
00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:28,090
Ah, I love you.
173
00:06:28,088 --> 00:06:30,918
Maybe I should play a little
catch with my son now.
174
00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:33,194
Whatever, Hoss,
let's see what you got.
175
00:06:33,193 --> 00:06:34,333
(grunts)
176
00:06:34,328 --> 00:06:35,588
FLANDERS:
My zinnias!
177
00:06:35,596 --> 00:06:36,896
(scoffs)
Annuals.
178
00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:38,327
Wait, please, just
let me try again.
179
00:06:38,332 --> 00:06:39,262
(groans)
180
00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:40,666
(coughs)
181
00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:42,997
Dad, you're embarrassing me
in front of Matt Leinart.
182
00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:44,603
But...
Wow.
183
00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:45,835
You made that for me?
184
00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:47,609
No, it used
to be O.J.'s.
185
00:06:47,608 --> 00:06:48,838
Yeah, Little Juice.
186
00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:50,912
(groans)
Oh, stupid Choremonkey.
187
00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:53,711
Another thing I overdo
bites me in the butt.
188
00:06:53,714 --> 00:06:55,714
(Leinart and Bart grunting)
189
00:06:55,716 --> 00:06:58,376
(Homer moaning and whining)
190
00:06:58,385 --> 00:07:00,215
HOMER:
Uh-oh.
191
00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:01,890
You're late.
192
00:07:01,889 --> 00:07:03,859
There's no
specified time, sir.
193
00:07:03,857 --> 00:07:05,917
And you did receive
progress alerts.
194
00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:06,786
Whatever, fine.
195
00:07:06,794 --> 00:07:08,264
Just throw
the damn ball.
196
00:07:09,430 --> 00:07:12,030
So, how was your day?
Pretty good.
197
00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:15,402
I've thrown various balls with
six different middle-aged men.
198
00:07:15,402 --> 00:07:17,472
All right, stop talking,
you're ruining it.
199
00:07:17,471 --> 00:07:19,271
(grunts)
Nice pass, sir.
200
00:07:19,273 --> 00:07:20,743
For someone your age.
201
00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:22,311
Ju-- This isn't fun at all.
202
00:07:22,309 --> 00:07:23,579
I'm done.
Fine.
203
00:07:23,577 --> 00:07:26,947
You know the monkeys
also rate the customers.
204
00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:29,577
Now everyone will know
what kind of man you are.
205
00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:31,123
Good-bye, Tyler.
206
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:32,578
Jerk.
207
00:07:32,586 --> 00:07:34,786
"Jerk." Bart used
to call me that.
208
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:36,188
(sobbing)
209
00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:42,785
Be careful, Dad.
210
00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:45,056
Being careful
is not going to get us
211
00:07:45,065 --> 00:07:47,095
on America's FunniestHome Videos.
212
00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:50,240
Now, when I nod,
you pull the bottom brick out
213
00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:51,967
and the wall falls on me.
214
00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:53,942
Then call
Vin Di Bona Productions,
215
00:07:53,941 --> 00:07:55,411
then an ambulance.
216
00:07:55,409 --> 00:07:57,939
Wait. Won't they know
this video is fake?
217
00:07:57,945 --> 00:08:00,305
Why would I be filming
you making a wall?
218
00:08:00,314 --> 00:08:02,154
Why didn't you
bring these things up
219
00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:03,449
at the production meeting?
220
00:08:03,450 --> 00:08:04,980
Well, it's too late now!
221
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:06,785
Oh, great!
222
00:08:06,787 --> 00:08:09,787
Dad, can I get you one
of my children's Xanax?
223
00:08:09,790 --> 00:08:13,160
What I need
is that $10,000 prize.
224
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:16,190
Not $5,000.
I already spent that on bricks.
225
00:08:16,196 --> 00:08:17,756
Now pull that rope.
226
00:08:17,764 --> 00:08:20,274
If I pull the rope
and it kills you,
227
00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:22,127
I'll need a lot of therapy.
228
00:08:22,135 --> 00:08:24,295
I'm not gonna die, son.
229
00:08:24,304 --> 00:08:27,114
Uh, but if I do, can you play
"Nobody Does It Better"
230
00:08:27,107 --> 00:08:29,107
at my funeral
on the recorder?
231
00:08:29,109 --> 00:08:30,939
I can't be a
part of this.
232
00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:33,484
Yeah, yeah,
you're right.
233
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:35,050
Luann, help!
234
00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:37,878
I'm in a hurry.
235
00:08:37,885 --> 00:08:40,145
Well,
at least I got it on video.
236
00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:41,193
Delete.
237
00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:43,958
(groaning):
Ah, come on.
238
00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:45,517
Haw-haw!
239
00:08:45,526 --> 00:08:47,856
(knocking on door)
240
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:51,362
Dad, it's me.
241
00:08:52,566 --> 00:08:54,896
What are you doing here?
It's not pudding day.
242
00:08:54,902 --> 00:08:58,242
(sighing):
My son doesn't want
to be with me anymore.
243
00:08:58,238 --> 00:09:01,338
So you realize that's how you've
treated me all these years
244
00:09:01,341 --> 00:09:03,511
and you've
come to apologize.
245
00:09:03,510 --> 00:09:05,340
Look, Dad, I
would visit more
246
00:09:05,345 --> 00:09:07,905
if I hadn't put you in
such a depressing place.
247
00:09:07,915 --> 00:09:08,805
Whatever.
248
00:09:08,815 --> 00:09:11,045
I've got a real
problem here.
249
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:12,721
I'm gonna be
a father again!
250
00:09:12,719 --> 00:09:14,689
My girlfriend's pregnant.
251
00:09:14,688 --> 00:09:16,688
(gasps)
That's insane!
252
00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:19,690
I leave you alone for six months
and this is what happens?
253
00:09:19,693 --> 00:09:21,263
How did you even meet her?
254
00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:23,731
Oh, this home
just got the Internet
255
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:26,060
and everyone's using
senior dating sites.
256
00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:27,226
Gray Date,
257
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:29,504
Friends with
Social Security Benefits.
258
00:09:29,503 --> 00:09:32,703
Everyone's making whoopee
and hanky-panky.
259
00:09:32,706 --> 00:09:34,066
A few are even having sex.
260
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:35,074
(whines)
261
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:37,335
WOMAN:
You can't leave me.
262
00:09:37,344 --> 00:09:39,914
We started
a puzzle together.
263
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:41,783
My heart's bleeding.
264
00:09:41,782 --> 00:09:43,082
Seriously.
265
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:45,683
Please call 911.
266
00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,892
Abraham Simpson.
267
00:09:50,891 --> 00:09:52,761
Are you skipping
town on me?
268
00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:55,129
No, no.
I like you.
269
00:09:55,128 --> 00:09:57,098
It's the baby I'm
skipping town on.
270
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,697
You don't want our baby?
271
00:09:58,699 --> 00:10:02,099
Before you judge me,
look where my DNA leads.
272
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:03,602
I'm fine.
273
00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:05,274
(grunting)
274
00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:06,472
Hmm.
275
00:10:06,473 --> 00:10:08,143
I think he's sweet.
276
00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:09,941
Would he like to
play with my keys?
277
00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:13,043
I am a normal person, and yes.
278
00:10:13,046 --> 00:10:14,706
All right,
I'll man up.
279
00:10:14,715 --> 00:10:16,745
But remember,
men of my generation
280
00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:19,220
don't change a diaper,
attend a birth,
281
00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:22,219
or talk to the child
before he's drafted.
282
00:10:22,222 --> 00:10:24,462
I couldn't
ask for more.
283
00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:25,858
(rattling)
284
00:10:27,561 --> 00:10:29,291
I thought you
just rolled.
285
00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:31,056
Those were my knees.
(rattling)
286
00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:32,404
Rent six dollars?!
287
00:10:32,399 --> 00:10:34,929
You can't even buy a
Monopoly set for that.
288
00:10:34,935 --> 00:10:37,165
(chuckles)
Great commentary, Bart.
289
00:10:37,170 --> 00:10:38,240
Love you, man.
290
00:10:38,238 --> 00:10:40,508
I love you.
291
00:10:40,507 --> 00:10:41,467
Hi, I'm Matt.
292
00:10:41,475 --> 00:10:42,605
Milhouse.
293
00:10:42,609 --> 00:10:43,939
I'm Bart's
best friend.
294
00:10:43,944 --> 00:10:46,814
Aw, sounds like someone
wants an autograph.
295
00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:48,253
I do.
296
00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:49,478
Who are you?
297
00:10:49,483 --> 00:10:50,653
I misspelled my name.
298
00:10:50,651 --> 00:10:51,951
But that makes it
worth more.
299
00:10:51,952 --> 00:10:54,022
Come on, Leinart,
get your head in the game.
300
00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:55,821
Bart, I got a straight up swap.
301
00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:57,792
How 'bout I give you
Boardwalk and Park Place,
302
00:10:57,791 --> 00:10:59,661
and you give me Ventnor?
303
00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:00,860
That's crazy talk.
304
00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:02,131
Oh, yeah?
305
00:11:02,129 --> 00:11:04,129
What "History of Board Games"
class did you take
306
00:11:04,131 --> 00:11:05,761
when you were in college?
307
00:11:05,766 --> 00:11:08,596
My friend, you have a deal.
308
00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:11,797
You got Chance.
309
00:11:11,805 --> 00:11:13,465
"Take a walk on the Boardwalk,"
310
00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:15,113
which I now own,
and you're bankrupt
311
00:11:15,108 --> 00:11:16,208
and I win.
312
00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:18,339
Wow, you beat me
at every game,
313
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:20,845
even Heisman Trophy
Trivial Pursuit.
314
00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:22,777
Oh! Can I play Bart next?
315
00:11:22,783 --> 00:11:25,123
I carry my own little
top hat with me.
316
00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:26,118
Oh.
317
00:11:26,119 --> 00:11:27,449
Is this guy bothering you, Bart?
318
00:11:27,454 --> 00:11:28,654
I'll make sure
he finds the door.
319
00:11:28,655 --> 00:11:29,815
(gasps)
320
00:11:29,823 --> 00:11:32,293
Could you throw me out
in a perfect spiral?
321
00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:34,792
I can walk you out
in a straight line.
322
00:11:34,795 --> 00:11:38,055
Wow! No one's gonna
believe that at school.
323
00:11:38,065 --> 00:11:39,995
(cackles)
324
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:41,570
Huh?
325
00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:45,070
"Always let him win"?
326
00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:47,212
"Don't let him see this sheet"?
327
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,237
He called me the greatestreceiver he'd ever thrown to.
328
00:11:49,242 --> 00:11:51,412
Was that a lie, too?
329
00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:53,081
Get out there.
330
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,050
Hey, Mr. Simpson.
331
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,718
Hey, Milk Dud.
332
00:11:56,717 --> 00:11:59,377
Uh, listen, I got to go
change the oil in my car.
333
00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:00,916
Don't you want
to get a Choremonkey?
334
00:12:00,921 --> 00:12:02,391
They cut
me off.
335
00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:04,719
I never dreamed when I gave
'em my credit card number
336
00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:06,385
that they
would charge me.
337
00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:07,993
You could help me
out if you want.
338
00:12:07,994 --> 00:12:09,864
I have an old shirt
you could wear.
339
00:12:09,863 --> 00:12:11,533
An old shirt! Wow!
340
00:12:11,531 --> 00:12:14,331
My dad doesn't have any
of those.
341
00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:16,765
Wow.
342
00:12:16,770 --> 00:12:19,600
Anyone ever tell you that
you're excellent at gluing?
343
00:12:19,606 --> 00:12:20,936
Um, no.
344
00:12:20,941 --> 00:12:24,041
And your rubber cement boogers
were very convincing.
345
00:12:24,044 --> 00:12:26,084
Look, I know you're doing this
because you have to.
346
00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:27,579
How would you like it
if the other team
347
00:12:27,581 --> 00:12:28,911
had just let you win
all the time?
348
00:12:28,915 --> 00:12:30,515
That would have
been really great.
349
00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:31,577
(phone buzzes)
350
00:12:31,585 --> 00:12:33,245
Listen, I have another
Choremonkey job.
351
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:34,593
I'll see you around.
352
00:12:34,588 --> 00:12:35,918
(grunts)
(shouting)
353
00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:37,092
(grunts)
354
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:39,590
Huh? Huh. Hmm.
355
00:12:39,593 --> 00:12:43,433
Wait, I don't think a bouncer
throws people into a bar.
356
00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:45,100
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You just bounce, all right?
357
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:46,598
I'll tell you which way.
358
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:47,770
LEINART:
Get in there.
359
00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:49,128
(sputters)
Ralph.
360
00:12:49,136 --> 00:12:51,636
Yay! I'm a
touchdown.
361
00:12:51,638 --> 00:12:53,538
(Milhouse laughs)
362
00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:54,940
Boop!
(laughs)
363
00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:57,541
Look who's a greasy
guy! (laughs)
364
00:12:57,544 --> 00:13:00,484
Now you're greasy, too!
(laughs)
365
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,910
Look at you.
(laughs)
366
00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:04,476
Bloop, bloop.
367
00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:07,254
Well, hello, Tony Stark.
368
00:13:07,254 --> 00:13:09,624
We've never had fun like that
in my whole life.
369
00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:12,793
Oh, look! The engine block
pizza is almost done.
370
00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:14,263
(sizzling)
371
00:13:14,261 --> 00:13:15,931
(gasps)
Engine block pizza?
372
00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:17,659
Car food is our thing.
373
00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:19,004
Careful you don't
burn your mouth.
374
00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:20,669
Oh. He never warns me.
375
00:13:26,106 --> 00:13:27,266
ANNOUNCER: Vijay Singh
has chosen a seven iron
376
00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:28,444
for his approach here
377
00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:30,741
at the fifth on St Andrews.
378
00:13:30,744 --> 00:13:32,084
(siren wails)
379
00:13:32,078 --> 00:13:34,308
BART: My zombies
have got you now.
380
00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:36,454
(cackles)
Mm.
381
00:13:36,449 --> 00:13:38,449
What's the matter?
Aren't you into the game?
382
00:13:38,451 --> 00:13:40,081
Uh, yeah, yeah.
383
00:13:40,086 --> 00:13:42,946
(dramatic music
playing onscreen)
384
00:13:42,956 --> 00:13:45,016
(groaning)
(whirring)
385
00:13:46,626 --> 00:13:49,126
Good luck
with that zombie Bing Crosby!
386
00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:50,599
B-B-Brains.
387
00:13:50,597 --> 00:13:52,657
(shouting)
388
00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:56,367
Eh, I won. Whoo-hoo.
389
00:13:56,369 --> 00:13:58,099
Huh? Didn't seem like
you were too excited
390
00:13:58,104 --> 00:13:59,644
when you sliced
me in half.
391
00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:01,369
It's just hard when you think
you're gonna be slicing
392
00:14:01,374 --> 00:14:04,144
the same boy in half
all your life.
393
00:14:04,144 --> 00:14:05,444
Uh-huh...
394
00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:07,505
Well, I guess
I'd better get to work.
395
00:14:08,849 --> 00:14:10,579
On a Friday?
396
00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:12,324
(humming)
397
00:14:12,319 --> 00:14:13,989
Why are you wearing
a fishing hat?
398
00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:16,187
(gasps) Are you going
fishing without me?
399
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:18,989
(whimpers)
What is happening with us?
400
00:14:18,992 --> 00:14:22,132
If you've got something
to say, just say it.
401
00:14:22,128 --> 00:14:24,058
Unless it's boring.
402
00:14:24,064 --> 00:14:25,904
Is there someone else?
403
00:14:25,899 --> 00:14:29,399
Oh! Spare me
your melodramata!
404
00:14:29,402 --> 00:14:31,472
(huffing)
405
00:14:34,808 --> 00:14:36,878
♪ ♪
406
00:14:38,478 --> 00:14:40,978
(tires screech)
407
00:14:42,482 --> 00:14:44,222
Marge, I can't have a baby.
408
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:47,247
Coordinating our sleep schedules
will be a nightmare.
409
00:14:47,254 --> 00:14:51,024
Plus, the only good relationship
I ever had was with my hat.
410
00:14:51,024 --> 00:14:53,264
Then the wind blew it away.
411
00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:55,590
You didn't have a good
relationship with your father?
412
00:14:55,595 --> 00:14:56,925
Hmm.
413
00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:58,930
(instrumental of
"Turkey in the Straw" plays)
414
00:14:58,932 --> 00:15:01,032
Come here, sweet pea,
give me a burp.
415
00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:02,274
Youse can do it.
416
00:15:02,269 --> 00:15:04,239
(chortling)
(burps)
417
00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:06,497
Aah! Youse got milk on me!
418
00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:08,106
I'll murdalize ya!
419
00:15:08,108 --> 00:15:10,738
(grunts)
420
00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:12,284
(sizzles)
421
00:15:14,281 --> 00:15:16,751
Oh... that was before
422
00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:20,420
throwin' your baby into the sun
was considered child abuse.
423
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:23,920
So you see,
Simpson men just don't...
424
00:15:23,924 --> 00:15:25,594
Wait a minute!
425
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:27,562
(both laughing)
426
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:33,330
Now yank the hook out and throw
him back because we're humane.
427
00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:38,599
(growling)
428
00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:41,235
I've never seen Homer
and Bart so close.
429
00:15:41,241 --> 00:15:44,811
Maybe I can
finally be a good dad!
430
00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:46,111
That's not Bart.
431
00:15:46,112 --> 00:15:47,912
Don't ruin my epiphany!
432
00:15:47,914 --> 00:15:49,654
♪ ♪
433
00:15:49,649 --> 00:15:51,819
(sizzling)
Hey, Mr. Van Houten.
434
00:15:51,818 --> 00:15:54,648
Oh, hey, Bart.
Milhouse isn't here.
I know.
435
00:15:54,654 --> 00:15:55,954
And I don't care.
436
00:15:55,956 --> 00:15:58,756
Are you making envelope soup?
437
00:15:58,758 --> 00:15:59,988
Envelope soup?
438
00:15:59,993 --> 00:16:02,093
(chuckles)
That'd be silly.
439
00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:04,055
No, I'm stamp mining.
440
00:16:04,064 --> 00:16:06,764
You steam off the stamp,
color in the postmark,
441
00:16:06,766 --> 00:16:09,396
and you just made
half a dollar. Almost.
442
00:16:09,402 --> 00:16:11,402
Want to try?
443
00:16:13,239 --> 00:16:15,739
Careful!
That's a forever stamp!
444
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:17,782
Could be worth
a fortune some day.
445
00:16:17,777 --> 00:16:19,007
Well done.
446
00:16:19,012 --> 00:16:20,482
And look at me.
447
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,750
I'm hangin' out
with Bart Simpson.
448
00:16:22,749 --> 00:16:24,319
That's so cool.
449
00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:26,817
I can't wait till
Wendell sees us hangin' out.
450
00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:28,190
Oh, hey.
451
00:16:30,423 --> 00:16:32,593
Oh, I built it up too much.
452
00:16:32,592 --> 00:16:33,932
(crickets chirping)
453
00:16:33,927 --> 00:16:36,027
♪ What do you do
with a drunken Homer? ♪
454
00:16:36,029 --> 00:16:37,929
♪ Make him watch
"Hunt for Red October" ♪
455
00:16:37,931 --> 00:16:39,801
♪ Let him drive
in a lunar rover ♪
456
00:16:39,799 --> 00:16:41,129
♪ Tickle his nose with a... ♪
457
00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:42,434
Oh, hi, Marge.
458
00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:45,265
Homer, why were you fishing
with Milhouse?
459
00:16:45,271 --> 00:16:48,441
Because for once, I'm with
a kid who respects me.
460
00:16:48,441 --> 00:16:50,481
One who doesn't
call me "Homer."
461
00:16:50,477 --> 00:16:52,337
I didn't know
that bothered you.
462
00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:54,105
It does. A lot.
463
00:16:54,114 --> 00:16:55,484
Oh, Homer.
464
00:16:55,482 --> 00:16:57,282
Feels good when
you say it.
465
00:16:57,283 --> 00:16:58,723
Homer.
466
00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:00,348
Ah...
467
00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:02,493
Honey, maybe
you should talk to Bart.
468
00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:04,059
He's just behind
that wall.
469
00:17:04,057 --> 00:17:05,487
BART:
Yeah, Homer!
470
00:17:05,492 --> 00:17:06,962
Get your fat
ass over here!
471
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,230
You see? You see?!
472
00:17:08,228 --> 00:17:10,028
It's not bad enough
he calls me "Homer."
473
00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:12,560
He calls my
buttocks "ass."
474
00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:15,065
Hmm. He probably learned that
at school.
475
00:17:15,068 --> 00:17:16,698
You bet your
ass he did.
476
00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:18,573
Maybe you and Lisa
can talk to him.
477
00:17:18,571 --> 00:17:21,341
Lisa and I aren't
speaking right now.
478
00:17:21,341 --> 00:17:24,081
I can't believe
you threw away my Utne Readers!
479
00:17:24,077 --> 00:17:28,247
MARGE:
Oh, is that how
you pronounce it? Aah!
480
00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:31,578
(birds singing)
481
00:17:31,584 --> 00:17:35,094
For most of my child's life,
I'll be gone.
482
00:17:37,424 --> 00:17:39,424
When you're cremated,
you feel it!
483
00:17:39,426 --> 00:17:41,156
Warn everyone!
484
00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:43,131
Aah.
485
00:17:45,265 --> 00:17:47,325
Oh, Abe, hi.
486
00:17:47,333 --> 00:17:48,903
I-I was about to call you.
487
00:17:48,902 --> 00:17:50,902
I had an ultrasound today.
But...
488
00:17:50,904 --> 00:17:52,774
♪ ♪
489
00:17:52,772 --> 00:17:54,012
Does this mean...?
490
00:17:54,007 --> 00:17:55,437
Yup, I'm the father.
491
00:17:55,442 --> 00:17:57,842
And I thought she was
just using me for a beard.
492
00:17:57,844 --> 00:18:00,144
♪ ♪
(gasps)
493
00:18:02,182 --> 00:18:04,922
♪ ♪
494
00:18:04,918 --> 00:18:06,718
I'm so sorry, Abe.
495
00:18:06,719 --> 00:18:09,019
(sighs): Well, I just
want to say...
496
00:18:09,022 --> 00:18:11,362
Yes! I can't raise
my left arm,
497
00:18:11,357 --> 00:18:13,357
much less a child!
498
00:18:13,359 --> 00:18:17,259
Yippee! Not having kids
keeps you young!
499
00:18:17,263 --> 00:18:20,133
Oh, I knew you'd come back!
500
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:26,698
(clears throat)
501
00:18:26,706 --> 00:18:28,406
Kirk.
Homer.
502
00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:30,238
Dad.
Fat Ass.
503
00:18:30,243 --> 00:18:32,143
That is not my name!
504
00:18:32,145 --> 00:18:33,735
Mm, mm, mm!
505
00:18:33,746 --> 00:18:35,446
Let's roll.
506
00:18:38,318 --> 00:18:40,488
Can't let 'em catch us.
507
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:46,289
♪ ♪
508
00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:52,827
I can't take the pressure!
509
00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:56,267
(gasps)
(tires screech)
510
00:18:56,269 --> 00:18:57,599
Son, I'm so sorry!
511
00:18:57,604 --> 00:18:59,604
I'm getting rid
of this stupid stop sign
512
00:18:59,606 --> 00:19:01,866
before it hurts
somebody else!
513
00:19:02,775 --> 00:19:03,975
(grunts)
514
00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:06,837
(tires screeching,
horns honking)
515
00:19:06,846 --> 00:19:08,446
I'm sorry, too, Dad.
516
00:19:08,448 --> 00:19:10,078
(gasps)
You called me Dad!
517
00:19:10,083 --> 00:19:11,853
There's a first time
for everything.
518
00:19:11,851 --> 00:19:13,481
Also, a last.
519
00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:16,786
Milhouse, I'd be lying if
I said riding in a go-cart
520
00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:19,919
with Bart Simpson wasn't
the highlight of my life,
521
00:19:19,926 --> 00:19:22,526
but you're my son
and I love you.
522
00:19:22,529 --> 00:19:24,299
I love you, too, Dad.
523
00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:26,957
You're my favorite guy
that Mom's brought home.
524
00:19:26,966 --> 00:19:28,326
Aw...
525
00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:30,844
Last one home
is a rotten father!
526
00:19:31,804 --> 00:19:33,804
Those aren't yours to keep!
527
00:19:33,806 --> 00:19:36,366
They take them out of our pay!
528
00:19:36,376 --> 00:19:38,936
HOMER: We'll bring them back
when we get tired of them!
529
00:19:38,945 --> 00:19:41,345
Oh, that never happens.
530
00:19:43,216 --> 00:19:45,646
But, Chief, I...
I don't think those vehicles
531
00:19:45,652 --> 00:19:48,022
are certified
for highway use.
532
00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:50,021
Yeah, well, I don't
think you're certified
533
00:19:50,023 --> 00:19:52,893
to understand the relationship
between a father and son, Lou.
534
00:19:52,892 --> 00:19:54,892
Yeah, well, I have a son--
he lives in Baltimore.
535
00:19:54,894 --> 00:19:56,394
What do you want,
a parade, Lou?
536
00:20:01,334 --> 00:20:02,904
Listen, Maggie--
can I call you Maggie?--
537
00:20:02,902 --> 00:20:06,702
is there a way I can get you
to put that pacifier down?
538
00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:08,136
(chuckles):
Oh, don't worry.
539
00:20:08,141 --> 00:20:10,141
I'll be here
as long as it takes.
540
00:20:11,244 --> 00:20:13,014
You know, if you cooperate,
541
00:20:13,012 --> 00:20:16,652
I can talk to your mother
about a reduced time out.
542
00:20:17,984 --> 00:20:19,584
Look, you wanted a helicopter,
543
00:20:19,586 --> 00:20:21,486
I got you a helicopter.
544
00:20:23,923 --> 00:20:26,993
Okay, I've got your nose, and if
you want to see your nose again,
545
00:20:26,993 --> 00:20:29,093
you'll give me that pacifier!
546
00:20:36,669 --> 00:20:39,269
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
547
00:20:39,272 --> 00:20:41,342
ANNOUNCER:
Swing and a miss! Strike two.
548
00:20:41,341 --> 00:20:43,171
Sanchez batting .269.
549
00:20:43,176 --> 00:20:46,336
Fun fact: His father was
one of those soccer players
550
00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:48,906
who ate his teammate
after a plane crashed
551
00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:50,205
in the Andes.
552
00:20:50,216 --> 00:20:51,976
Look at him bite
at the high fastball.
553
00:21:32,992 --> 00:21:34,692
Shh!
35205
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