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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:02,063 --> 00:01:04,362 Why wouldn't we bring up the first amendment? 2 00:01:04,364 --> 00:01:07,632 We have to stick to the constitution. That is what made this country. 3 00:01:35,730 --> 00:01:37,064 Don't die. 4 00:01:39,666 --> 00:01:41,568 Come on, photosynthesis. 5 00:02:24,846 --> 00:02:28,013 - That's a nice dress. - Oh. Thank you. 6 00:02:28,015 --> 00:02:30,084 - I like your jacket. - Thanks. 7 00:02:32,452 --> 00:02:36,121 - I hope our flight's on time. - Oh, it is. See? 8 00:02:36,123 --> 00:02:39,992 This airline has an excellent arrival-departure record. 9 00:02:39,994 --> 00:02:41,894 Um, I Googled it. 10 00:02:41,896 --> 00:02:44,797 And, um, it has a 98... 11 00:02:44,799 --> 00:02:47,099 No 96, no 98 percent approval... 12 00:02:47,101 --> 00:02:49,567 online user approval rating. 13 00:02:49,569 --> 00:02:52,071 Which is very incredibly high, obviously. 14 00:02:52,073 --> 00:02:55,708 Um, and Rancho Cucamonga Mary sent me three, 15 00:02:55,710 --> 00:02:59,613 who I trust implicitly, was very effusive about it. 16 00:03:02,016 --> 00:03:03,885 - Yeah. - And you get a snack. 17 00:03:04,886 --> 00:03:06,517 Great. 18 00:03:07,922 --> 00:03:09,889 - I'm sorry, what was that? - What? 19 00:03:09,891 --> 00:03:11,522 You just took a step forward there. 20 00:03:11,524 --> 00:03:13,926 - I didn't. - Yeah, you did. You know you did. 21 00:03:13,928 --> 00:03:15,828 - I didn't realize. - Oh, I see. 22 00:03:15,830 --> 00:03:17,629 I beg your pardon? 23 00:03:17,631 --> 00:03:21,800 - I s-see what you did. I know what you did. It's... - What did I do? 24 00:03:21,802 --> 00:03:27,472 You came up alongside me, you know, with your jacket and your face and charm, 25 00:03:27,474 --> 00:03:31,243 and you just, you know, talked to me for a strategic amount of time, 26 00:03:31,245 --> 00:03:32,945 established your position, 27 00:03:32,947 --> 00:03:36,815 and then just casually, blatantly stepped in front of me. 28 00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:38,650 Like I had some sort of amnesia 29 00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:41,153 and couldn't remember 15 seconds in the past when you were behind me. 30 00:03:41,155 --> 00:03:43,655 Untrue. 31 00:03:43,657 --> 00:03:45,858 Oh my... You just did it again. 32 00:03:45,860 --> 00:03:49,094 This is like watching a master at work in his dojo. 33 00:03:49,096 --> 00:03:50,996 - I mean... - Here's what happened. 34 00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:53,799 I came to my gate, hoping my flight was on time. 35 00:03:53,801 --> 00:03:55,868 I then attempted to start a pleasant conversation, 36 00:03:55,870 --> 00:03:58,804 whereupon you revealed the tip of the iceberg of your tendencies, 37 00:03:58,806 --> 00:04:01,740 and I was forced to take a step forward to escape the vortex. 38 00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:04,977 Oh, my God. Oh... Again! Oh! 39 00:04:04,979 --> 00:04:08,280 And now you're casting me as the author of a Byzantine conspiracy theory 40 00:04:08,282 --> 00:04:10,648 of a Machiavellian land grab 41 00:04:10,650 --> 00:04:14,153 designed to usurp your position on an aircraft that has eight seats. 42 00:04:14,155 --> 00:04:16,155 You know what? Okay. 43 00:04:16,157 --> 00:04:20,292 That's cra... If I'm wrong, just step in back of me instead of in front of me. 44 00:04:20,294 --> 00:04:22,694 No, because that would mean going past you again. 45 00:04:22,696 --> 00:04:25,697 I see. You know what? 46 00:04:25,699 --> 00:04:30,069 Five years ago, I would have said something trite like, "Chivalry is dead." 47 00:04:30,071 --> 00:04:32,171 But this is worse than unchivalrous. 48 00:04:32,173 --> 00:04:36,041 This is... You are part and parcel of a world 49 00:04:36,043 --> 00:04:39,078 that no longer has any idea how to behave itself. 50 00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:42,680 In fact, I draw a straight line between people like you 51 00:04:42,682 --> 00:04:46,551 to investment bankers to politicians to terrorists. 52 00:04:46,553 --> 00:04:51,223 You basically all have the same contempt for decency and rules and any manners. 53 00:04:51,225 --> 00:04:54,860 And what's funny is there's no way you can board first 54 00:04:54,862 --> 00:04:57,229 because the only way you could board first is if you had a special need. 55 00:04:57,231 --> 00:04:59,031 Do you have a special need? 56 00:04:59,033 --> 00:05:02,167 Yes, I need to be over there. 57 00:05:12,079 --> 00:05:13,748 Fucker. 58 00:05:41,075 --> 00:05:42,877 - Fantastic. - Wonderful. 59 00:05:44,611 --> 00:05:47,312 - Anybody want to trade seats? - You're ridiculous. 60 00:05:47,314 --> 00:05:49,915 Anybody? It's great back here. 61 00:05:49,917 --> 00:05:52,286 You've got to be kidding me. 62 00:05:56,791 --> 00:05:57,892 Jesus. 63 00:06:07,835 --> 00:06:09,569 What brings you to San Luis Obispo? 64 00:06:10,637 --> 00:06:12,304 - You don't have to. - What? 65 00:06:12,306 --> 00:06:15,974 Talk. Honestly, I'd be happier if you didn't. 66 00:06:15,976 --> 00:06:17,044 Fine. 67 00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:39,298 Dear God. Tear it at the notch. 68 00:06:39,300 --> 00:06:41,666 There is no notch. 69 00:06:41,668 --> 00:06:43,435 - Give it to me. - I'm not giving you... 70 00:06:43,437 --> 00:06:44,371 Give it to me. 71 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:02,356 This one does not appear to have a working notch. 72 00:07:09,230 --> 00:07:10,231 Yeah. 73 00:07:11,298 --> 00:07:12,366 Yeah. 74 00:07:20,341 --> 00:07:21,909 All that... 75 00:07:25,913 --> 00:07:27,081 Thank you. 76 00:07:48,903 --> 00:07:50,905 I'm actually going to Paso Robles. 77 00:07:52,039 --> 00:07:54,139 They call it Paso "Roables." 78 00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:56,508 Well, the correct pronunciation is Robles. 79 00:07:56,510 --> 00:07:58,777 But they call it "Roables." 80 00:07:58,779 --> 00:08:00,379 - Whatever. - I hope it's a big place. 81 00:08:00,381 --> 00:08:02,114 It isn't. 82 00:08:02,116 --> 00:08:04,816 If I see you at a restaurant, I'll go to another restaurant. 83 00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,885 I'm not going to be in any restaurants. 84 00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:10,255 Why? Are you checking into a mental institution? 85 00:08:10,257 --> 00:08:14,929 I'm going to that most presumptuous of all things, a destination wedding. 86 00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:18,966 Please don't tell me it's Keith and Anne's. 87 00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:23,335 How many weddings can there possibly be 88 00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:25,537 on any given day in Paso Robles? 89 00:08:25,539 --> 00:08:27,439 I was praying for two. 90 00:08:27,441 --> 00:08:30,108 And I was blaming Satan for my seat assignment 91 00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:32,811 when it was actually just Keith's assistant. 92 00:08:32,813 --> 00:08:34,947 And how do you know the esteemed Keith? 93 00:08:34,949 --> 00:08:37,216 I was engaged to him six years ago. 94 00:08:37,218 --> 00:08:39,985 - Oh, my God, you're Lindsay. - Why, how do you know him? 95 00:08:39,987 --> 00:08:41,820 He and I have the same mother. 96 00:08:41,822 --> 00:08:43,324 Holy shit, you're Frank? 97 00:08:44,892 --> 00:08:47,292 Oh, you're even worse than he said. 98 00:08:47,294 --> 00:08:48,961 You too. 99 00:08:58,239 --> 00:09:00,839 Oh, my God. 100 00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:02,343 Serious... 101 00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:32,537 - There was supposed to be a car. - Our flight was early. 102 00:09:32,539 --> 00:09:34,273 Really? It seemed so long. 103 00:09:34,275 --> 00:09:37,876 Attention, passengers, increased security measures 104 00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:40,045 require all passengers to maintain 105 00:09:40,047 --> 00:09:43,282 close personal contact with your bags at all times. 106 00:09:52,026 --> 00:09:54,993 So how much do you know about what happened between me and Keith? 107 00:09:54,995 --> 00:09:57,596 I know that he broke off your engagement five weeks before the wedding. 108 00:09:57,598 --> 00:09:59,197 And now I know why. 109 00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:01,166 He said some shit about you, boy. 110 00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:03,368 - Like what? - Doesn't matter. 111 00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:06,605 Don't do that, don't dangle an injurious tidbit and then snatch it away. 112 00:10:06,607 --> 00:10:09,041 Or what, I'll die alone? 113 00:10:09,043 --> 00:10:10,976 Keith is a panhandling piece of garbage, 114 00:10:10,978 --> 00:10:12,377 and you're better off without him. 115 00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:15,447 Which is saying something, considering how bad off you are. 116 00:10:15,449 --> 00:10:18,016 Just pity the bride, whoever she is. 117 00:10:18,018 --> 00:10:21,153 - You haven't met her? - Just like I never met you. 118 00:10:21,155 --> 00:10:23,955 I stay as far away from Keith as I can. 119 00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:27,426 My mother insisted I turn up for this shit show, otherwise, I wouldn't be meeting you now. 120 00:10:27,428 --> 00:10:29,895 Isn't that nice to think about? 121 00:10:29,897 --> 00:10:32,097 She said it's important to show up because if you show up, 122 00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:34,466 the worst they can say is you're horrendous, which is subjective. 123 00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:36,935 But not showing up is objective. 124 00:10:36,937 --> 00:10:38,305 Well, you showed up. 125 00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:41,106 Why would you come to his wedding? 126 00:10:41,108 --> 00:10:42,641 He broke your heart, as I recall. 127 00:10:42,643 --> 00:10:44,576 Shattered, yes. 128 00:10:44,578 --> 00:10:46,244 Didn't you wind up suing him? 129 00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:48,413 Well, I needed to lash out. 130 00:10:48,415 --> 00:10:52,017 Plus he cost my parents $32,000 in deposits. 131 00:10:52,019 --> 00:10:53,652 - Did you win? - There was a settlement. 132 00:10:53,654 --> 00:10:55,354 Did you feel better? 133 00:10:55,356 --> 00:10:58,457 Look, I came because he invited me. 134 00:10:58,459 --> 00:11:01,259 He only invited you because he wanted to act like a big person, 135 00:11:01,261 --> 00:11:04,296 not because he, in any way, wanted you to come. 136 00:11:04,298 --> 00:11:09,201 You think I wanted to come? I'm just trying to be the big person. 137 00:11:09,203 --> 00:11:12,339 See, this only works if one of you actually is a big person. 138 00:11:13,474 --> 00:11:16,174 Well, also, I need closure. 139 00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:19,177 You don't have closure? It was six years ago. 140 00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:22,147 Do I strike you as someone who has closure? 141 00:11:22,149 --> 00:11:24,549 He's marrying someone else. That's closure. 142 00:11:24,551 --> 00:11:25,984 It's closed. 143 00:11:25,986 --> 00:11:29,154 Closed is not the same thing as closure. 144 00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:41,235 Any chance they sent two cars? 145 00:12:11,265 --> 00:12:13,265 So, what do you do, Frank? 146 00:12:13,267 --> 00:12:16,601 That is, when you're not shining your light upon the world. 147 00:12:16,603 --> 00:12:19,037 I run marketing for J.D. Power and Associates. 148 00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:20,740 The "Car of the Year" people? 149 00:12:20,742 --> 00:12:22,541 No, that's a magazine. 150 00:12:22,543 --> 00:12:24,710 I bought one of your cars of the year. It was a piece of crap. 151 00:12:24,712 --> 00:12:27,179 Again, a magazine. Common error. 152 00:12:27,181 --> 00:12:28,748 Is that the career you dreamed of? 153 00:12:28,750 --> 00:12:31,416 Handing out awards by the fistful? 154 00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:34,352 Hugely successful company, extremely well-respected. 155 00:12:34,354 --> 00:12:38,056 It's corporate brownnosing on a national scale. 156 00:12:38,058 --> 00:12:40,325 International. And don't sleep on awards. 157 00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:42,394 Our country lives on self-congratulation. 158 00:12:42,396 --> 00:12:43,528 Let me ask you this. 159 00:12:43,530 --> 00:12:45,397 Has there ever been a car 160 00:12:45,399 --> 00:12:48,366 that wasn't a J.D. Power and Associates Car of the Year? 161 00:12:48,368 --> 00:12:50,736 We don't do "Car of the Year." That's a magazine. 162 00:12:50,738 --> 00:12:52,571 I've seen those Lucite trophies. 163 00:12:52,573 --> 00:12:55,342 They're on every car commercial for every car, ever. 164 00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:01,814 What do you do anyway? 165 00:13:01,816 --> 00:13:04,817 I prosecute companies and institutions 166 00:13:04,819 --> 00:13:07,454 for culturally insensitive actions or speech. 167 00:13:09,690 --> 00:13:11,724 You're the politically correct police. 168 00:13:11,726 --> 00:13:13,391 No. 169 00:13:13,393 --> 00:13:15,594 You parse what people say and do, and then accuse them 170 00:13:15,596 --> 00:13:19,130 of being racist or misogynist or otherwise horrible. 171 00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:21,266 You destroy lives and reputations for money. 172 00:13:21,268 --> 00:13:23,068 No. 173 00:13:23,070 --> 00:13:25,472 Is that what you dreamed of? A career in reverse fascism? 174 00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:29,777 I can't remember dreaming. 175 00:15:02,904 --> 00:15:04,438 Wrong! 176 00:15:07,742 --> 00:15:09,811 I thought this was my closet. 177 00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:14,448 Are you expecting a response of some kind? 178 00:15:15,616 --> 00:15:17,282 No. 179 00:15:17,284 --> 00:15:21,286 Uh, I see now that there is a bolt on the door. 180 00:15:21,288 --> 00:15:23,188 So, we should use it. 181 00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:24,491 Yep. 182 00:16:10,504 --> 00:16:12,938 - How's your room? - I'm just sleeping there. 183 00:16:12,940 --> 00:16:14,606 How's yours? 184 00:16:14,608 --> 00:16:17,308 I'll let you know after I run a UV light over the sheets. 185 00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:18,911 We really shouldn't speak anymore. 186 00:16:18,913 --> 00:16:20,612 If you think that's best. 187 00:16:20,614 --> 00:16:22,447 Do you think Keith is trying to fix us up? 188 00:16:22,449 --> 00:16:23,716 Even he is smarter than that. 189 00:16:23,718 --> 00:16:26,786 I don't know. I mean, same flight. 190 00:16:26,788 --> 00:16:28,921 Seated next to each other on the plane. 191 00:16:28,923 --> 00:16:31,423 Adjoining rooms. Seated next to each other here. 192 00:16:31,425 --> 00:16:33,793 You think that's all just coincidence? 193 00:16:33,795 --> 00:16:37,262 Keith has never had a thought about another human being. 194 00:16:37,264 --> 00:16:40,465 So we're just the people you don't know where to stick? 195 00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:42,567 Might as well just stick us together. 196 00:16:42,569 --> 00:16:44,870 I don't want to be a person you don't know where to stick. 197 00:16:44,872 --> 00:16:47,605 That is not the life I imagined for myself. 198 00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:50,810 I'm sure your next life will be better. 199 00:16:50,812 --> 00:16:54,646 Welp, here we go. 200 00:16:54,648 --> 00:16:55,715 So that's her. 201 00:16:55,717 --> 00:16:57,284 Yep. 202 00:16:58,418 --> 00:17:00,853 She is a tall glass of hemlock. 203 00:17:00,855 --> 00:17:02,788 - She's Danish. - Dutch, I thought. 204 00:17:02,790 --> 00:17:04,289 Danish. From Denmark. 205 00:17:04,291 --> 00:17:06,025 I know where Danish are from. 206 00:17:06,027 --> 00:17:07,793 He looks the same as he used to. 207 00:17:07,795 --> 00:17:09,427 Plastic people don't age. 208 00:17:09,429 --> 00:17:10,996 Well, I was hoping he had. 209 00:17:10,998 --> 00:17:15,868 I was hoping he'd be less attractive or on his way to obesity. 210 00:17:15,870 --> 00:17:18,706 Is this the first time you've seen him since the crushing ending? 211 00:17:20,074 --> 00:17:21,741 - Is it bad? - Yep. 212 00:17:21,743 --> 00:17:23,978 - As bad as you feared? - Yeah. Worse. 213 00:17:27,014 --> 00:17:30,983 - How can this be the way the species is set up? - I'm sorry? 214 00:17:30,985 --> 00:17:34,086 How can we be allowed to feel so much for people 215 00:17:34,088 --> 00:17:36,521 who don't feel anything for us? 216 00:17:36,523 --> 00:17:39,491 You're assuming that you're normal, which is hilarious. 217 00:17:39,493 --> 00:17:42,660 - It's incredibly cruel. - Well, look at it this way. 218 00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:45,931 For a time, you carved out a place in his life when there really shouldn't have been one. 219 00:17:45,933 --> 00:17:47,599 That makes me a dipshit. 220 00:17:47,601 --> 00:17:49,902 I agree. I was just humoring you. 221 00:17:49,904 --> 00:17:51,704 The truth is, from puberty on in, 222 00:17:51,706 --> 00:17:54,006 we should all just be playing defense. 223 00:17:54,008 --> 00:17:56,510 - "On in"? On in to what? - Death. 224 00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:00,045 - Oh, God. - Officer on deck. 225 00:18:00,047 --> 00:18:02,447 - So you got to know Mom. - Plenty well enough. 226 00:18:02,449 --> 00:18:03,681 So you met her twice. 227 00:18:05,853 --> 00:18:07,485 Howard. 228 00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:11,123 - Oh, this fucking guy. - Who's he with? 229 00:18:11,125 --> 00:18:12,490 His girlfriend. 230 00:18:12,492 --> 00:18:14,126 Howard left your mother? 231 00:18:14,128 --> 00:18:17,096 "Left" is not a strong enough word. Fled. 232 00:18:17,098 --> 00:18:19,832 - For an older woman? - He would have left for an otter. 233 00:18:19,834 --> 00:18:23,035 - Anyway, leaving is leaving. - No, no. 234 00:18:23,037 --> 00:18:26,604 Leaving for a younger woman is awful, it's horrible. 235 00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:30,408 But leaving for an older woman is perverse. 236 00:18:30,410 --> 00:18:32,644 Mom would have been just as angry about a younger one. 237 00:18:32,646 --> 00:18:34,980 Yeah, but she would've been able to use her age 238 00:18:34,982 --> 00:18:37,917 to rail against a gender-unfair society. 239 00:18:37,919 --> 00:18:40,920 I mean, leaving for a younger woman's the least he could've done. 240 00:18:40,922 --> 00:18:42,922 My father left her for a younger woman. 241 00:18:42,924 --> 00:18:45,557 She can think about that, when she wants to cheer up. 242 00:18:45,559 --> 00:18:48,961 But she and your father eventually made peace though, didn't they? 243 00:18:48,963 --> 00:18:51,130 Yep. Dad jumped out a seventh-floor window, 244 00:18:51,132 --> 00:18:53,032 and Mom considered them all square. 245 00:18:53,034 --> 00:18:54,767 - I'm sorry? - Don't be. 246 00:18:54,769 --> 00:18:56,534 I was not a fan. 247 00:18:56,536 --> 00:18:59,138 Well, you're not a fan of many people, is my sense. 248 00:18:59,140 --> 00:19:00,940 Well, this person shot me, so... 249 00:19:00,942 --> 00:19:03,175 - He shot you? - He did. 250 00:19:03,177 --> 00:19:06,712 He said I was the embodiment of all his bad choices. 251 00:19:06,714 --> 00:19:09,114 - Did it hurt? - Did it hurt? 252 00:19:09,116 --> 00:19:10,883 Is that a serious question? 253 00:19:10,885 --> 00:19:12,785 There's a metal missile going into your body. 254 00:19:12,787 --> 00:19:14,854 Yes, it hurt. It hurt a great deal. 255 00:19:14,856 --> 00:19:16,822 Well, what did you do? 256 00:19:16,824 --> 00:19:17,923 I ran at him. 257 00:19:17,925 --> 00:19:19,792 You ran at him? 258 00:19:19,794 --> 00:19:21,459 Why didn't you run away from him? 259 00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:23,628 That didn't occur to me. I was pissed off. 260 00:19:23,630 --> 00:19:26,131 He tried to shoot me again, but he missed. 261 00:19:26,133 --> 00:19:30,435 I got the gun out of his hand, hit him in the face with it, broke his orbital bone. 262 00:19:30,437 --> 00:19:32,872 - What did he do? - He cried. 263 00:19:32,874 --> 00:19:34,372 Begged me to kill him. I wouldn't. 264 00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:37,542 Not because I didn't want to, but because I didn't want to fuck up my life. 265 00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:40,012 I mean, any more than it already was. 266 00:19:40,014 --> 00:19:41,679 Turned out I didn't have to kill him though, 267 00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:44,116 because that night, he jumped. 268 00:19:44,118 --> 00:19:46,684 It's quite a family. 269 00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:49,021 Nobody's arguing. 270 00:19:49,023 --> 00:19:53,025 You can't call a 78-year-old woman your "girlfriend." 271 00:19:53,027 --> 00:19:54,525 It's ridiculous. 272 00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:55,928 What should I call her then? 273 00:19:55,930 --> 00:19:59,932 I don't know. An ossified, pre-dead corpse-friend? 274 00:19:59,934 --> 00:20:02,234 Is that in the politically correct handbook? 275 00:20:02,236 --> 00:20:04,236 I'm off the clock. 276 00:20:04,238 --> 00:20:06,138 She just needs a little more hair and makeup. 277 00:20:06,140 --> 00:20:08,941 I think we passed a mortician on the way in. 278 00:20:08,943 --> 00:20:10,642 Travel with her on your arm, 279 00:20:10,644 --> 00:20:13,178 you'd better know where the funeral parlors are at all times. 280 00:20:13,180 --> 00:20:16,481 And by "On your arm," you mean both figuratively 281 00:20:16,483 --> 00:20:19,051 and for actual physical support. 282 00:20:19,053 --> 00:20:21,619 - I've never met her. - Better hurry. 283 00:20:21,621 --> 00:20:24,156 I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. 284 00:20:24,158 --> 00:20:26,759 Or whatever the pacemaker says it can have. 285 00:20:26,761 --> 00:20:28,559 Apparently, they went to the same college. 286 00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:30,729 She was a senior when he was a freshman. 287 00:20:30,731 --> 00:20:33,032 Well, she's a senior again. 288 00:20:34,969 --> 00:20:38,704 - Are you gonna say hello? - Yep. Are you? 289 00:20:38,706 --> 00:20:41,040 Yep. 290 00:20:41,042 --> 00:20:42,875 Have a nice time. 291 00:21:51,879 --> 00:21:55,147 - You okay? - Nope. You? 292 00:21:55,149 --> 00:21:57,251 I'm all fucked up and I always will be. 293 00:21:58,986 --> 00:22:03,991 You think anyone will notice if I... go back to the hotel? 294 00:22:05,326 --> 00:22:06,293 Nope. 295 00:22:07,194 --> 00:22:08,129 Yeah. 296 00:22:09,696 --> 00:22:10,697 All right. 297 00:22:30,885 --> 00:22:33,786 Psst. 298 00:22:33,788 --> 00:22:38,192 I mean, not to throw stones, but he has a lot going on. 299 00:22:39,626 --> 00:22:41,994 I mean... I mean, I know I have mine, 300 00:22:41,996 --> 00:22:44,363 but my father never shot me. 301 00:22:44,365 --> 00:22:47,966 I don't think he ever even touched a gun. 302 00:22:47,968 --> 00:22:52,204 I mean, there was that one time I put those two boxes of Band-Aids 303 00:22:52,206 --> 00:22:57,142 on my doll and he, like, barely patted me. 304 00:22:57,144 --> 00:22:59,878 Like, you couldn't even call it a spanking. 305 00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:05,084 It was like... He was apologizing forever for it. 306 00:23:05,086 --> 00:23:06,320 And he still feels bad. 307 00:23:08,655 --> 00:23:11,757 I mean, seven floors. 308 00:23:11,759 --> 00:23:14,426 I wonder if there was more floors he could of just gone up 309 00:23:14,428 --> 00:23:16,063 so he could die instantly. 310 00:23:17,098 --> 00:23:20,265 Not like... 311 00:23:20,267 --> 00:23:22,301 Can you die... How many... 312 00:23:22,303 --> 00:23:24,371 I don't know. I guess it depends on the building. 313 00:23:25,906 --> 00:23:27,272 Very, very... 314 00:23:27,274 --> 00:23:30,344 Just psychologically, it's just interesting, but... 315 00:23:34,215 --> 00:23:36,081 You don't think. 316 00:23:36,083 --> 00:23:39,785 He stole from me, from his employer, from Katherine March. 317 00:23:39,787 --> 00:23:43,090 My wife... I mean my former wife is correct. 318 00:23:44,358 --> 00:23:45,692 I really can paint. 319 00:23:48,162 --> 00:23:50,729 My copies were so bad I had to destroy them. 320 00:23:50,731 --> 00:23:52,233 For God's sake, he's lying. 321 00:23:54,902 --> 00:23:57,138 Because he's left-handed, you idiot. 322 00:23:58,772 --> 00:24:01,340 He told me Miss March painted them. 323 00:24:01,342 --> 00:24:03,008 In my expert opinion... 324 00:24:15,489 --> 00:24:19,424 He said he was going to fix it when he left my place around 2:00 a.m. 325 00:24:19,426 --> 00:24:22,494 That's when I told him... 326 00:24:22,496 --> 00:24:24,963 So he kills her with my ice pick. 327 00:24:24,965 --> 00:24:27,799 And I heard her say, "'Hello, Johnnie' before she hung up." 328 00:24:27,801 --> 00:24:29,334 He was there all right. 329 00:24:29,336 --> 00:24:30,969 Well, what I don't understand 330 00:24:30,971 --> 00:24:32,204 is this talk about her being an artist. 331 00:24:32,206 --> 00:24:33,805 I never saw her paint. 332 00:24:33,807 --> 00:24:35,841 That was one of her peculiar traits. 333 00:24:35,843 --> 00:24:37,778 She never let anyone see her paint. 334 00:24:58,265 --> 00:25:02,501 I would not have guessed, Frank, that you were a man who enjoyed a foot massage. 335 00:25:02,503 --> 00:25:07,372 I'm not. When I saw the complimentary chit in the wedding welcome basket, 336 00:25:07,374 --> 00:25:09,408 I thought, "I don't want that. 337 00:25:09,410 --> 00:25:11,476 I'm not comfortable with other people touching my feet. 338 00:25:11,478 --> 00:25:13,879 I don't see why it's necessary or good." 339 00:25:13,881 --> 00:25:15,914 Then why are you here? 340 00:25:15,916 --> 00:25:18,350 Because it's a $30 value, and throwing it away 341 00:25:18,352 --> 00:25:20,419 would have bothered me even more than this does. 342 00:25:20,421 --> 00:25:21,820 So, you're cheap. 343 00:25:21,822 --> 00:25:23,288 Oh, I'm way worse than cheap, 344 00:25:23,290 --> 00:25:25,824 especially when it comes to free shit... I hoard free shit. 345 00:25:25,826 --> 00:25:27,359 Especially the gray-area free shit, 346 00:25:27,361 --> 00:25:30,495 like the nail files and disposable slippers in the hotel room. 347 00:25:30,497 --> 00:25:32,164 "Gray area." 348 00:25:32,166 --> 00:25:34,166 I tell myself that they want me to take it, 349 00:25:34,168 --> 00:25:35,867 that I'm intended to take it. 350 00:25:35,869 --> 00:25:37,269 Do you take the shoehorns? 351 00:25:37,271 --> 00:25:39,071 Not the long ones, only the short ones. 352 00:25:39,073 --> 00:25:42,407 Well, that's not a gray area, that's theft. You're a thief. 353 00:25:42,409 --> 00:25:45,877 Do you take the shampoo, conditioner, and body wash? 354 00:25:45,879 --> 00:25:48,213 I used to, but then one leaked in my suitcase. 355 00:25:48,215 --> 00:25:50,882 Huh. What about the soaps? 356 00:25:50,884 --> 00:25:52,484 Not the round soaps wrapped in paper. 357 00:25:52,486 --> 00:25:55,220 But the bigger ones, in the boxes? Yes, I do. 358 00:25:55,222 --> 00:25:59,191 So, you're a minor person with grubby hands. 359 00:25:59,193 --> 00:26:02,127 I don't understand how, even after Keith did what he did to you, 360 00:26:02,129 --> 00:26:04,396 and even in the midst of the shame of being here, 361 00:26:04,398 --> 00:26:06,898 you can possibly still be mooning over him. 362 00:26:06,900 --> 00:26:08,400 That's because you're a monkey 363 00:26:08,402 --> 00:26:10,902 who doesn't understand the human condition. 364 00:26:10,904 --> 00:26:12,838 Having met you, I understand why it's a condition. 365 00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:14,239 You don't stop loving a person 366 00:26:14,241 --> 00:26:16,475 just because they injure you. 367 00:26:16,477 --> 00:26:17,909 It helps. 368 00:26:17,911 --> 00:26:20,545 - Well, love is not rational. - Clearly. 369 00:26:20,547 --> 00:26:22,381 But how could you even like Keith? 370 00:26:22,383 --> 00:26:25,117 - I never said I liked him. - Then how can you love him? 371 00:26:25,119 --> 00:26:27,119 Love has nothing to do with like. 372 00:26:27,121 --> 00:26:30,455 - Healthy people would disagree. - Healthy people are sick. 373 00:26:30,457 --> 00:26:33,925 Isn't there a part of you that just wants to wish him well and move on? 374 00:26:33,927 --> 00:26:37,562 Mmm... Most of me wants him to be found in an icy river. 375 00:26:37,564 --> 00:26:40,932 It makes no sense to want the person you love to be dead. 376 00:26:40,934 --> 00:26:43,268 Because then you'd have no one left to love except yourself. 377 00:26:43,270 --> 00:26:45,539 Which, in your case, would be unrequited. 378 00:26:47,074 --> 00:26:50,609 - I really don't want him dead. - Good. 379 00:26:50,611 --> 00:26:53,879 I want him to have a long life, during which he is miserable every single day 380 00:26:53,881 --> 00:26:56,348 before slowly dying of regret. 381 00:26:56,350 --> 00:26:59,251 There are seven billion people in the world. 382 00:26:59,253 --> 00:27:01,353 So when one of them behaves badly toward you, 383 00:27:01,355 --> 00:27:04,289 he's actually doing you a great favor because he's saving you time. 384 00:27:04,291 --> 00:27:06,658 He's telling you that he's not worth your while. 385 00:27:06,660 --> 00:27:09,127 He's freeing you to say, "Thank you for the information. 386 00:27:09,129 --> 00:27:16,601 I will now move on to the 6,999,999,999 other people, 387 00:27:16,603 --> 00:27:19,438 some of whom may have some value." 388 00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:21,173 And is that what you've done, Frank? 389 00:27:21,175 --> 00:27:23,508 Just sifted, calmly and sensibly, 390 00:27:23,510 --> 00:27:26,978 through the entire population, searching for your soul mate? 391 00:27:26,980 --> 00:27:30,115 No, I have opted out, which makes me uniquely qualified 392 00:27:30,117 --> 00:27:32,017 to observe and comment on your situation. 393 00:27:32,019 --> 00:27:33,487 Oh, I am so lucky. 394 00:27:35,055 --> 00:27:37,389 - It was a long time ago. - Not an eternity. 395 00:27:37,391 --> 00:27:41,526 - You were both very young. - Old enough to know right from wrong. 396 00:27:41,528 --> 00:27:43,929 Incidentally, I spoke to the bride last night. 397 00:27:43,931 --> 00:27:47,032 Oh, she does not have the sense God gave a toaster. 398 00:27:47,034 --> 00:27:50,302 She's a moron, and her breasts were built on a medical bench. 399 00:27:50,304 --> 00:27:53,706 But she said to tell you that she hopes you can be friends. 400 00:27:53,708 --> 00:27:55,374 You talked about me? 401 00:27:55,376 --> 00:27:57,042 She didn't give you a lot of airtime. 402 00:27:57,044 --> 00:27:59,177 She has trouble stringing sentences together. 403 00:27:59,179 --> 00:28:01,113 And she uses a lot of personal pronouns, 404 00:28:01,115 --> 00:28:03,315 so you're not always quite sure who she's talking about. 405 00:28:03,317 --> 00:28:05,183 Well done, Keith. 406 00:28:05,185 --> 00:28:09,221 But if it helps, she said she's not threatened by you. 407 00:28:09,223 --> 00:28:12,190 Yes, that helps tremendously. 408 00:28:12,192 --> 00:28:13,692 At least I think she was talking about you. 409 00:28:15,262 --> 00:28:19,331 She said "her." I'm pretty sure she meant you. 410 00:28:19,333 --> 00:28:23,168 - Wow. What do you care anyway? - I don't. 411 00:28:23,170 --> 00:28:26,138 I'm just trying to amuse myself and get to tomorrow. 412 00:28:26,140 --> 00:28:28,509 Do you care about anything? 413 00:28:30,277 --> 00:28:32,513 How many times in your life have you been in love? 414 00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:35,447 Once. 415 00:28:35,449 --> 00:28:36,984 What was it like? 416 00:28:54,368 --> 00:28:57,402 How does anybody drink wine at 11:00 in the morning? 417 00:28:57,404 --> 00:28:59,137 It's a winery, Frank. 418 00:28:59,139 --> 00:29:02,140 Haven't you ever given out a Car of the Year award at 11:00? 419 00:29:02,142 --> 00:29:03,544 I can still taste toothpaste. 420 00:29:06,346 --> 00:29:09,281 - You were absolutely right. - What did you say? 421 00:29:09,283 --> 00:29:12,150 A destination wedding is presumptuous. 422 00:29:12,152 --> 00:29:14,386 "Please drag your carcass hundreds of miles 423 00:29:14,388 --> 00:29:16,621 to excessively celebrate our happiness." 424 00:29:16,623 --> 00:29:19,191 Yeah. "Because our wedding is so special, 425 00:29:19,193 --> 00:29:21,460 it needs to be an epic imposition." 426 00:29:21,462 --> 00:29:25,096 "It's far too important to celebrate in anybody's shit-ass hometown." 427 00:29:25,098 --> 00:29:29,100 "Or on one calendar day. So kindly give up your entire weekend." 428 00:29:29,102 --> 00:29:32,137 "And spend a fuck-ton of your own money, over and above the gift." 429 00:29:32,139 --> 00:29:34,239 I bet you loved the minibar prices. 430 00:29:34,241 --> 00:29:35,576 It's like 80 cents per cashew. 431 00:29:37,712 --> 00:29:39,411 What's hilarious is that these two 432 00:29:39,413 --> 00:29:42,080 have no idea they're in a fool's paradise. 433 00:29:42,082 --> 00:29:44,149 You really think that? 434 00:29:44,151 --> 00:29:47,319 I've spent most of my life dodging the shrapnel from my mother's marriages, 435 00:29:47,321 --> 00:29:50,756 both of which started with smiles as big as theirs. 436 00:29:50,758 --> 00:29:52,691 Some marriages work out. 437 00:29:52,693 --> 00:29:55,193 Yes, and some people have six fingers. 438 00:29:55,195 --> 00:29:57,195 So I'm guessing you're single. 439 00:29:57,197 --> 00:29:59,331 I decided to learn from my parents' mistakes. 440 00:29:59,333 --> 00:30:01,600 It's a form of evolution. 441 00:30:01,602 --> 00:30:05,337 Yeah, but you can't blame people for believing their own lives will be different. 442 00:30:05,339 --> 00:30:09,107 Yes, I can. It's incredibly egotistical. 443 00:30:09,109 --> 00:30:12,577 It might help you to consider the idea that heartbreak is pointless, 444 00:30:12,579 --> 00:30:14,279 because if you had wound up with the person, 445 00:30:14,281 --> 00:30:17,115 eventually, you would've been miserable anyway. 446 00:30:17,117 --> 00:30:19,184 Actually that does help, thank you. 447 00:30:19,186 --> 00:30:21,754 No problem. 448 00:30:21,756 --> 00:30:24,656 But don't you believe there's someone for everyone? 449 00:30:24,658 --> 00:30:26,124 Close. 450 00:30:26,126 --> 00:30:28,629 I believe that there's nobody for anyone. 451 00:30:45,813 --> 00:30:49,281 I wish your mother and Howard's corpse-friend were playing. 452 00:30:49,283 --> 00:30:53,118 They could try and dislodge each other's tunnel catheters. 453 00:30:53,120 --> 00:30:55,120 Have you talked to the corpse-friend? 454 00:30:55,122 --> 00:30:58,824 Briefly. She's dull, and she needs a week at depilatory camp. 455 00:30:58,826 --> 00:31:02,160 - Maybe she's rich. - I sure hope so. 456 00:31:02,162 --> 00:31:03,263 Get her! 457 00:31:05,332 --> 00:31:07,299 Do you ever think it's a crutch though, 458 00:31:07,301 --> 00:31:09,568 blaming your mother and father for everything? 459 00:31:09,570 --> 00:31:11,336 When did crutches get a bad name? 460 00:31:11,338 --> 00:31:12,905 When you have a broken leg, you need a crutch. 461 00:31:12,907 --> 00:31:15,440 In fact, it would be stupid not to have a crutch. 462 00:31:15,442 --> 00:31:17,743 Well, yeah, but broken legs heal. 463 00:31:17,745 --> 00:31:20,145 I mean don't you have a responsibility to yourself 464 00:31:20,147 --> 00:31:24,182 to eventually cast aside the crutches and meet new challenges? 465 00:31:24,184 --> 00:31:26,451 If the parent-child bond is diseased, 466 00:31:26,453 --> 00:31:30,622 you have a better chance of being a sociopath than of being well-adjusted. 467 00:31:30,624 --> 00:31:32,624 I consider it a triumph of the will 468 00:31:32,626 --> 00:31:36,194 that there aren't shallow graves dotting my backyard. 469 00:31:36,196 --> 00:31:39,564 Besides, who are you to talk? 470 00:31:39,566 --> 00:31:43,903 Simple heartbreak like yours should be, relatively speaking, a piece of cake to get over. 471 00:31:43,905 --> 00:31:45,838 Well, it's not. 472 00:31:45,840 --> 00:31:49,507 I'd rather be strong and ruined than weak and ruined. 473 00:31:49,509 --> 00:31:52,444 I'm not weak. I just have hope. 474 00:31:52,446 --> 00:31:54,379 That's the same thing. 475 00:32:10,430 --> 00:32:14,399 How do you not install steps or a pathway for this shit? 476 00:32:14,401 --> 00:32:16,568 They warned us. It was in the Welcome Basket. 477 00:32:16,570 --> 00:32:18,570 This is a fucking liability nightmare. 478 00:32:18,572 --> 00:32:20,840 That's right, sue Keith again. 479 00:32:20,842 --> 00:32:22,908 Can't we just get the van to drive us up? 480 00:32:22,910 --> 00:32:25,543 - We're going 90 feet. - Well, the heels won't make it. 481 00:32:25,545 --> 00:32:27,545 Then take them off until we get there. 482 00:32:27,547 --> 00:32:29,915 - I just got a foot massage. - So? 483 00:32:29,917 --> 00:32:33,351 I'm not gonna show up at my ex-fiancé's wedding with dirty feet. 484 00:32:33,353 --> 00:32:35,855 You can clean them off at the grape wash. 485 00:32:35,857 --> 00:32:38,690 - Can't you just carry me, please? - What? 486 00:32:38,692 --> 00:32:41,827 - I can't believe I have to ask. - What? 487 00:32:41,829 --> 00:32:44,362 - It's 90 feet. - How much do you weigh? 488 00:32:44,364 --> 00:32:46,598 - Frank. - I don't want to shed my mortal coil. 489 00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:48,770 Well, if that happens, you can put me down. 490 00:33:00,414 --> 00:33:02,614 You have a high, specific gravity. 491 00:33:02,616 --> 00:33:04,416 Yeah, dense bones. 492 00:33:04,418 --> 00:33:06,584 Really deceptive avoirdupois. 493 00:33:06,586 --> 00:33:09,320 This is the slowest I've ever been carried. 494 00:33:09,322 --> 00:33:10,890 Oh, dear God, be quiet. 495 00:33:10,892 --> 00:33:12,624 Can you just let me off at the top though, 496 00:33:12,626 --> 00:33:14,659 so no one sees that you carried me? 497 00:33:14,661 --> 00:33:18,496 Why? Maybe Keith will get jealous and rethink everything. 498 00:33:18,498 --> 00:33:20,632 Keith has forgotten I'm here. 499 00:33:26,007 --> 00:33:26,941 Fuck me. 500 00:33:34,816 --> 00:33:37,983 It's 800 degrees. 501 00:33:37,985 --> 00:33:40,385 Why is the minister in a seersucker suit? 502 00:33:40,387 --> 00:33:41,586 Because he's not a minister. 503 00:33:41,588 --> 00:33:42,955 He's Keith's friend from college. 504 00:33:42,957 --> 00:33:44,824 Levy, I think his name is. 505 00:33:44,826 --> 00:33:46,926 - Kaplan? - Kaplan, right. 506 00:33:46,928 --> 00:33:49,294 - Is he wearing makeup? - Always. 507 00:33:49,296 --> 00:33:51,596 Usually the Nars Radiant Creamy. 508 00:33:51,598 --> 00:33:53,465 If memory serves, he's gay. 509 00:33:53,467 --> 00:33:57,669 The correct term is "Effeminate American." And actually he's pansexual. 510 00:33:57,671 --> 00:33:59,071 What does that mean? 511 00:33:59,073 --> 00:34:01,006 He's attracted to all genders, 512 00:34:01,008 --> 00:34:03,809 gender identities, and sexual orientations. 513 00:34:03,811 --> 00:34:05,845 - Come on. - I'm telling you. 514 00:34:05,847 --> 00:34:07,645 How'd he get the gig? 515 00:34:07,647 --> 00:34:09,380 He fucked the bride and the groom. 516 00:34:09,382 --> 00:34:11,984 - Which was, like, no big deal. - Vanilla. 517 00:34:11,986 --> 00:34:14,519 I mean, because he would fuck, for example, a man who believes he's a woman? 518 00:34:14,521 --> 00:34:16,055 Absolutely. 519 00:34:16,057 --> 00:34:18,924 Or a straight woman who believes she's actually a gay man? 520 00:34:18,926 --> 00:34:21,026 - Not a day goes by. - What about hermaphrodites? 521 00:34:21,028 --> 00:34:22,594 You'd have to think. 522 00:34:22,596 --> 00:34:24,797 They just let anyone officiate at weddings? 523 00:34:24,799 --> 00:34:28,566 Not anyone. You need a credit card and an Internet connection. 524 00:34:28,568 --> 00:34:31,904 - You researched this? - Oh, I researched everything. 525 00:34:31,906 --> 00:34:33,873 I knew where we would buy a house, 526 00:34:33,875 --> 00:34:36,876 where our kids would be born, where they'd go to school. 527 00:34:36,878 --> 00:34:38,612 I knew where we'd be buried. 528 00:34:41,749 --> 00:34:44,784 Do you become a clergyman in an online church of some sort? 529 00:34:44,786 --> 00:34:46,919 No, you can just do weddings. 530 00:34:46,921 --> 00:34:49,021 - Not baptisms? - No. 531 00:34:49,023 --> 00:34:52,057 - Funerals? Bar Mitzvahs? - Just weddings. 532 00:34:52,059 --> 00:34:55,828 - How many believers does he have? - No believers. No congregation. 533 00:34:55,830 --> 00:34:58,998 - Does his church preach that there's a heaven? - Ain't got no church. 534 00:34:59,000 --> 00:35:02,701 Why would anyone have my mother as the maid of honor? 535 00:35:02,703 --> 00:35:06,604 I don't know. It's like having the Grim Reaper at your CAT scan. 536 00:35:06,606 --> 00:35:10,508 If I had a nickel for every time she said to me, "I am not your maid." 537 00:35:10,510 --> 00:35:14,146 - Was she born during the Great Depression? - No, she caused it. 538 00:35:14,148 --> 00:35:16,581 - You know who I feel sorry for? - Yourself? 539 00:35:16,583 --> 00:35:18,083 Anne's father. 540 00:35:18,085 --> 00:35:20,618 Why? He's the only one here who wasn't married to my mother. 541 00:35:20,620 --> 00:35:25,825 Because once upon a time, he was the Most Important Male Person In Anne's Life, 542 00:35:25,827 --> 00:35:28,794 the "M.P.I.A.L." if you will. 543 00:35:28,796 --> 00:35:31,096 I will, but only if I have to. 544 00:35:31,098 --> 00:35:34,532 It's dangerous for a father to pass that mantle. 545 00:35:34,534 --> 00:35:37,903 Just because he's Danish doesn't mean he was fucking his own daughter. 546 00:35:37,905 --> 00:35:41,173 In a very real sense, by virtue of cultivating 547 00:35:41,175 --> 00:35:45,577 a healthy, loving relationship with her, showing her, day after day, 548 00:35:45,579 --> 00:35:48,080 year after year, how a good man should comport himself, 549 00:35:48,082 --> 00:35:50,816 he's been preparing her whole life for marriage. 550 00:35:50,818 --> 00:35:53,418 - To Keith. - Exactly. 551 00:35:53,420 --> 00:35:55,721 That's the lamb to the slaughter right there. 552 00:35:55,723 --> 00:35:59,191 She and her dad have been leading with their chins, cruising for a bruising. 553 00:35:59,193 --> 00:36:01,426 Asking for it. It's a total sucker play. 554 00:36:01,428 --> 00:36:02,928 Or so you've heard. 555 00:36:02,930 --> 00:36:05,130 There's a sucker that reaches age of consent every minute. 556 00:36:05,132 --> 00:36:08,533 When Keith turns out to be the mythic jerk that he is, 557 00:36:08,535 --> 00:36:12,104 all of her carefully curated self-esteem will be destroyed, 558 00:36:12,106 --> 00:36:15,542 a father will have lost a daughter, and where will she be? 559 00:36:16,610 --> 00:36:18,476 Right here with the rest of us. 560 00:36:40,968 --> 00:36:42,669 I used to love this song. 561 00:36:44,005 --> 00:36:46,138 Do you want to dance? 562 00:36:46,140 --> 00:36:47,875 - I said "used to." - Fine. 563 00:36:49,977 --> 00:36:52,577 - Why, do you want to dance? - Of course not, I hate dancing. 564 00:36:52,579 --> 00:36:54,980 It's moronic and a complete waste of time. 565 00:36:54,982 --> 00:36:57,783 You're not that busy. 566 00:36:57,785 --> 00:37:01,120 I just thought maybe you wanted to dance to get your mind off things. 567 00:37:01,122 --> 00:37:03,255 I don't and it wouldn't. 568 00:37:03,257 --> 00:37:06,792 Fine. I said fine. 569 00:37:06,794 --> 00:37:08,763 Neither of us wants to fucking dance. 570 00:37:13,167 --> 00:37:16,636 I can't help but hope Keith tears a hip muscle. 571 00:37:26,047 --> 00:37:27,915 Can we take a walk? 572 00:37:54,775 --> 00:37:56,976 - How are the shoes? - They're fine. 573 00:37:56,978 --> 00:37:59,244 I didn't really want to go through the whole entire selection, 574 00:37:59,246 --> 00:38:02,781 but I have weird arches on my mom's side. 575 00:38:02,783 --> 00:38:04,783 - So they're good. - Yeah. 576 00:38:04,785 --> 00:38:06,318 Okay. 577 00:38:06,320 --> 00:38:08,754 You know after the whole thing with Keith, 578 00:38:08,756 --> 00:38:12,725 - I was diagnosed with PTSD. - Rich person's PTSD. 579 00:38:12,727 --> 00:38:15,693 - Privileged person's PTSD. - Okay, I do know what you're saying. 580 00:38:15,695 --> 00:38:17,595 This is why people hate the top one percent. 581 00:38:17,597 --> 00:38:20,332 - I am not the top one percent. - Neither am I. 582 00:38:20,334 --> 00:38:23,702 When people talk about the top one percent like it's home, 583 00:38:23,704 --> 00:38:25,170 it drives me fucking crazy. 584 00:38:25,172 --> 00:38:26,939 You know who's actually in the top one percent 585 00:38:26,941 --> 00:38:28,841 are the assholes that run the companies 586 00:38:28,843 --> 00:38:31,076 that I prosecute and you reward. 587 00:38:31,078 --> 00:38:33,946 Top ten, top 20 percent, whatever it is. 588 00:38:33,948 --> 00:38:36,115 The segment of society that doesn't have to worry 589 00:38:36,117 --> 00:38:39,218 about basic things like food, clothing, shelter, transportation, 590 00:38:39,220 --> 00:38:40,953 or getting shot by the police. 591 00:38:40,955 --> 00:38:42,620 So we're not allowed to have problems? 592 00:38:42,622 --> 00:38:44,790 We're allowed to have them, but no one is interested in them. 593 00:38:44,792 --> 00:38:47,226 And I don't blame them, I'm not even interested. 594 00:38:47,228 --> 00:38:50,262 We're trite, trivial, tiresome, tone-deaf narcissists. 595 00:38:50,264 --> 00:38:52,931 I never said I wasn't a tone-deaf narcissist. 596 00:38:52,933 --> 00:38:54,867 - The optics are very bad. - Nobody's looking. 597 00:38:54,869 --> 00:38:56,201 We should keep our shit to ourselves. 598 00:38:56,203 --> 00:38:58,337 We are keeping it to ourselves. 599 00:38:58,339 --> 00:39:02,607 Besides, it's human nature to find pain in any situation, however relatively fortunate. 600 00:39:02,609 --> 00:39:04,743 That doesn't make it listenable. 601 00:39:04,745 --> 00:39:08,313 Well, I'm sorry if my brand of pain is out of vogue, but it's all I got. 602 00:39:08,315 --> 00:39:10,883 It would be so much more interesting and fantastic 603 00:39:10,885 --> 00:39:13,152 if we had been fondled by priests 604 00:39:13,154 --> 00:39:16,088 or lost a leg but could still feel it or something. 605 00:39:17,858 --> 00:39:21,659 My theory about myself is that my soma 606 00:39:21,661 --> 00:39:25,798 is sending me a Darwinian message telling me, 607 00:39:25,800 --> 00:39:29,068 "Hey, you're unfit to pass your DNA on to future generations, 608 00:39:29,070 --> 00:39:31,103 so you should just select out." 609 00:39:31,105 --> 00:39:33,872 Well, just keep doing what you're doing. 610 00:39:33,874 --> 00:39:36,275 But I have so much to give. 611 00:39:36,277 --> 00:39:37,912 Not really. 612 00:39:39,246 --> 00:39:41,947 Holy shit, Frank. What is that? 613 00:39:41,949 --> 00:39:43,681 I think it's a mountain lion. 614 00:39:43,683 --> 00:39:46,952 - Could it be a jaguar? - I don't know. I'm not a zookeeper. 615 00:39:46,954 --> 00:39:48,987 It's too big for an ocelot or a bearcat, 616 00:39:48,989 --> 00:39:50,989 but too small for a panther, I think. 617 00:39:50,991 --> 00:39:53,392 What the fuck difference does it make what it is? It's a fucking predator cat. 618 00:39:53,394 --> 00:39:54,960 A cougar, maybe? 619 00:39:54,962 --> 00:39:57,062 - Jesus Christ. - I don't know what you're worried about. 620 00:39:57,064 --> 00:39:58,764 - It's gonna go for me. - Why? 621 00:39:58,766 --> 00:40:00,999 I saw a thing. They pick out the smallest of the herd. 622 00:40:01,001 --> 00:40:02,334 We're not a herd, we're wedding guests. 623 00:40:02,336 --> 00:40:04,369 I'm telling you, you're safe if you just run. 624 00:40:04,371 --> 00:40:05,838 You run. I'll stay here and fight. 625 00:40:05,840 --> 00:40:07,306 Uh, yeah, but I'm not a sprinter. 626 00:40:07,308 --> 00:40:10,075 I run for distance, so it gives me a certain clarity... 627 00:40:10,077 --> 00:40:11,710 Yes, all right. 628 00:40:11,712 --> 00:40:13,045 You run. I'll stay here and fight. 629 00:40:13,047 --> 00:40:15,280 How about if we both run and nobody stays and fights? 630 00:40:15,282 --> 00:40:16,982 Neither one of us can outrun a cheetah. 631 00:40:16,984 --> 00:40:18,784 It's not a fucking cheetah. We're not in Africa. 632 00:40:18,786 --> 00:40:20,953 They're also in Iran, I think it said. 633 00:40:20,955 --> 00:40:22,421 They won't even hear us scream. 634 00:40:22,423 --> 00:40:24,223 I hate those fucking people. 635 00:40:24,225 --> 00:40:26,825 On the plus side, you'll be ruining Keith's wedding. 636 00:40:26,827 --> 00:40:29,361 - That's true. - Unless they don't find us for weeks. 637 00:40:29,363 --> 00:40:32,197 And then only in pieces, some of which were brought back to its lair. 638 00:40:33,834 --> 00:40:35,467 Last chance on the running. 639 00:40:35,469 --> 00:40:38,437 I can't believe you're the last human person I'm ever gonna talk to. 640 00:40:38,439 --> 00:40:40,005 There might be EMTs. 641 00:40:40,007 --> 00:40:42,808 Yeah, but I might be a hemophiliac. 642 00:40:42,810 --> 00:40:44,810 Might be? Don't you know that already? 643 00:40:44,812 --> 00:40:48,780 Well, no, because you can get things as an adult, like adult onset asthma. 644 00:40:48,782 --> 00:40:51,085 My friend Suzanne has that... 645 00:41:06,934 --> 00:41:09,468 - Now we run! - Oh! 646 00:41:09,470 --> 00:41:11,870 - That was good, Frank. - My throat is really raw. 647 00:41:11,872 --> 00:41:13,272 But why are we still running? 648 00:41:13,274 --> 00:41:14,640 Because I don't think it's a bad idea 649 00:41:14,642 --> 00:41:17,476 to put as much distance between us and the mountain lion as possible. 650 00:41:17,478 --> 00:41:18,977 It might've been a lynx! 651 00:41:18,979 --> 00:41:20,279 It would be so ironic if I strangled you. 652 00:41:20,281 --> 00:41:22,514 Why do you have to ruin a nice moment! 653 00:41:22,516 --> 00:41:26,118 - Ow! - Ah, fuck! Ah, fuck! 654 00:41:26,120 --> 00:41:29,188 - Ow! Ow! - Fuck! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! 655 00:41:29,190 --> 00:41:30,457 Ah! 656 00:41:32,760 --> 00:41:34,694 Okay. Oh. 657 00:41:37,531 --> 00:41:39,800 For the record, you ruined the moment, not me. 658 00:41:43,204 --> 00:41:44,772 Lindsay? 659 00:41:46,106 --> 00:41:47,441 Lindsay? 660 00:41:49,810 --> 00:41:53,779 I'm fine! For God's sake. Jesus. 661 00:41:53,781 --> 00:41:57,182 - Great. - I just had the wind knocked out of me. 662 00:41:57,184 --> 00:41:59,084 Okay, good. 663 00:41:59,086 --> 00:42:02,421 It was good, because you didn't have the first clue what you were doing. 664 00:42:02,423 --> 00:42:05,257 Hey, it's been a while since health class. 665 00:42:05,259 --> 00:42:08,160 Yeah, well, if you thought I had a cervical injury, 666 00:42:08,162 --> 00:42:10,462 the last thing you're supposed to do is flip a person over 667 00:42:10,464 --> 00:42:12,397 like a fuckin' pancake. 668 00:42:12,399 --> 00:42:17,069 - I'm sorry. - But on the other hand, you did save me. 669 00:42:17,071 --> 00:42:18,270 Us. 670 00:42:18,272 --> 00:42:21,006 I told you, it would have gone for me. 671 00:42:21,008 --> 00:42:23,809 Why did you do that? Why did you save me? 672 00:42:23,811 --> 00:42:24,511 I didn't save you. 673 00:42:25,913 --> 00:42:27,446 Why did you save me? 674 00:42:27,448 --> 00:42:28,981 Because I'm an idiot. 675 00:42:28,983 --> 00:42:32,384 - You could've died. - Of idiocy. 676 00:42:32,386 --> 00:42:34,355 Don't tell me you're secretly noble. 677 00:42:35,322 --> 00:42:36,521 I'm not. 678 00:42:36,523 --> 00:42:37,889 But I thought, "Maybe she's right. 679 00:42:37,891 --> 00:42:39,258 Maybe hers is the life in danger. 680 00:42:39,260 --> 00:42:41,960 She seems to know fuckin' everything." 681 00:42:41,962 --> 00:42:45,430 And I didn't want to feel guilty for the rest of my life about not having saved you. 682 00:42:45,432 --> 00:42:47,065 I get that. 683 00:42:47,067 --> 00:42:50,836 - I didn't want to think of myself as selfish. - Frank. 684 00:42:50,838 --> 00:42:54,940 As that selfish. Not on top of everything else I already think about myself. 685 00:42:54,942 --> 00:42:57,242 Copy you. 686 00:42:57,244 --> 00:42:59,845 'Cause it's not like I have so much to live for. 687 00:42:59,847 --> 00:43:02,016 Yeah, well, that's true. 688 00:43:03,350 --> 00:43:04,852 Well, anyway, thank you. 689 00:43:11,992 --> 00:43:13,592 What the fuck, Frank? 690 00:43:13,594 --> 00:43:15,227 I'm sorry. I don't know what that was. 691 00:43:15,229 --> 00:43:17,498 Neither do I, for fuck's sake. Jesus. 692 00:43:21,368 --> 00:43:23,468 - Goddamn it! - I'm sorry. 693 00:43:23,470 --> 00:43:26,040 - What is wrong with you? - I don't know. 694 00:43:31,645 --> 00:43:33,245 What the fuck? 695 00:43:33,247 --> 00:43:34,548 Let's just... Come on. 696 00:43:37,284 --> 00:43:38,252 Mmm. 697 00:43:41,221 --> 00:43:43,424 Can't... Just put it on... 698 00:43:46,126 --> 00:43:48,093 I'm sorry. 699 00:43:48,095 --> 00:43:51,430 I'm sorry, it's just very difficult 700 00:43:51,432 --> 00:43:54,333 for me to give myself over to any sort of positive activity. 701 00:43:54,335 --> 00:43:57,602 Yeah. Especially this one. 702 00:43:57,604 --> 00:43:59,638 It makes me think about how long I've gone without it, 703 00:43:59,640 --> 00:44:01,606 which makes me want to kill myself. 704 00:44:01,608 --> 00:44:04,976 Yeah, well, I've been pretty sure for a very long time 705 00:44:04,978 --> 00:44:07,446 that life is essentially a horrible experience, 706 00:44:07,448 --> 00:44:09,414 and I really don't need this kind of confusion. 707 00:44:09,416 --> 00:44:11,216 - And pressure. - Yeah. 708 00:44:11,218 --> 00:44:12,384 I mean, if it all sucks, then fuck it, 709 00:44:12,386 --> 00:44:15,420 but if it doesn't all suck, then there's so much pressure. 710 00:44:15,422 --> 00:44:17,122 Yeah. 711 00:44:17,124 --> 00:44:19,491 God, do you even know how long it's been 712 00:44:19,493 --> 00:44:23,161 since I've been touched with affection by another human being? 713 00:44:23,163 --> 00:44:25,330 How about without affection? 714 00:44:25,332 --> 00:44:27,199 Nearly as long. 715 00:44:27,201 --> 00:44:31,136 I tell you right now, I haven't felt pleasure since about 2006. 716 00:44:31,138 --> 00:44:33,538 Sometimes, I feel the absence of pain, 717 00:44:33,540 --> 00:44:36,007 which at this point feels like pleasure, 718 00:44:36,009 --> 00:44:38,479 or at least pleasure's little cousin. 719 00:44:39,413 --> 00:44:41,046 I don't have protection. 720 00:44:41,048 --> 00:44:42,180 Well, why would you? 721 00:44:42,182 --> 00:44:44,549 I mean, why would you have a condom today? 722 00:44:44,551 --> 00:44:47,119 What are the odds? Astronomical. 723 00:44:47,121 --> 00:44:50,255 - What if you got pregnant? - I'm sure my womb is hostile. 724 00:44:50,257 --> 00:44:52,991 Having sex right now would be irresponsible. 725 00:44:52,993 --> 00:44:54,659 Well, who cares? 726 00:44:54,661 --> 00:44:56,997 I mean, how much worse can things get? 727 00:44:58,465 --> 00:45:00,399 - Okay. - Yeah? 728 00:45:00,401 --> 00:45:01,502 Okay. 729 00:45:13,447 --> 00:45:19,719 Okay. 730 00:45:19,721 --> 00:45:22,087 All right. 731 00:45:23,457 --> 00:45:26,360 Yeah, yeah, yeah... 732 00:45:35,636 --> 00:45:36,570 Okay. 733 00:45:40,174 --> 00:45:41,239 How's that? 734 00:45:41,241 --> 00:45:42,607 That's fine. 735 00:45:45,045 --> 00:45:48,046 Do you think the mountain lion will be attracted to the musk? 736 00:45:48,048 --> 00:45:50,015 I think it was a puma. 737 00:45:51,118 --> 00:45:52,517 How is it now? 738 00:45:52,519 --> 00:45:56,288 It feels strange yet pleasantly familiar, 739 00:45:56,290 --> 00:45:59,727 kind of like coming off a long diet or going back to smoking. 740 00:46:01,662 --> 00:46:03,462 How about now? 741 00:46:03,464 --> 00:46:05,297 Do you have any diseases? 742 00:46:05,299 --> 00:46:06,631 Of course not. 743 00:46:06,633 --> 00:46:08,633 I missed every possible sexual revolution. 744 00:46:08,635 --> 00:46:11,269 The first one, the one after Tinder, 745 00:46:11,271 --> 00:46:13,806 - the one after Caitlyn Jenner... - Me, too. 746 00:46:16,778 --> 00:46:18,410 Crabs. 747 00:46:18,412 --> 00:46:20,345 You have crabs? 748 00:46:20,347 --> 00:46:21,680 No, actual crabs. 749 00:46:21,682 --> 00:46:23,248 Over there. 750 00:46:23,250 --> 00:46:25,450 Those aren't crabs, those are tarantulas. 751 00:46:25,452 --> 00:46:26,551 They look like crabs. 752 00:46:26,553 --> 00:46:27,652 No, they don't. 753 00:46:27,654 --> 00:46:30,155 And besides, they don't attack humans. 754 00:46:30,157 --> 00:46:31,590 Now you're just making shit up. 755 00:46:31,592 --> 00:46:34,125 Oh, yes, for the thrill of fucking you. 756 00:46:34,127 --> 00:46:36,394 - Let's get it over with. - Fine. 757 00:46:40,501 --> 00:46:43,703 My mother used to tell me to always use two condoms when you have sex. 758 00:46:43,705 --> 00:46:45,437 The second one always had to be bigger. 759 00:46:45,439 --> 00:46:48,106 - It looked like a wind sock. - That's so stupid. 760 00:46:48,108 --> 00:46:50,843 Each condom would cause the other one to break. 761 00:46:50,845 --> 00:46:53,846 A fact discovered, astraddle, in the summer after 12th grade, 762 00:46:53,848 --> 00:46:57,449 by a nice girl named Auden who had no quarrel with anyone. 763 00:46:57,451 --> 00:46:59,351 She ran screaming from our rec room. 764 00:46:59,353 --> 00:47:01,686 Of course, you had sex in your rec room. 765 00:47:01,688 --> 00:47:03,723 We had a Nutone intercom system. 766 00:47:03,725 --> 00:47:06,258 The master control was in the kitchen. 767 00:47:06,260 --> 00:47:09,327 My parents could listen and talk to any room in the house from there. 768 00:47:09,329 --> 00:47:12,297 I used to call the kitchen "The Eagle's Nest." 769 00:47:12,299 --> 00:47:13,733 When my father heard Auden wailing, 770 00:47:13,735 --> 00:47:16,134 he screamed through the intercom, 771 00:47:16,136 --> 00:47:18,336 "What the fuck is going on down there?" 772 00:47:18,338 --> 00:47:19,371 I said what happened. 773 00:47:19,373 --> 00:47:20,873 There was a pause, 774 00:47:20,875 --> 00:47:23,575 and then my mother said, "Dinner's ready." 775 00:47:23,577 --> 00:47:25,477 Your mother cooked? 776 00:47:25,479 --> 00:47:27,345 On the off-chance that we are making a baby, 777 00:47:27,347 --> 00:47:28,613 do you want a boy or a girl? 778 00:47:28,615 --> 00:47:30,649 You're asking me this now? 779 00:47:30,651 --> 00:47:32,752 I'm killing time. 780 00:47:32,754 --> 00:47:35,253 Uh, a boy. 781 00:47:35,255 --> 00:47:38,189 My mother actually told me there's a way to get a boy. 782 00:47:38,191 --> 00:47:40,258 - Oh, this ought to be good. - Yeah. 783 00:47:40,260 --> 00:47:44,496 At the moment of climax, just shout out, "Oh, boy! Oh, boy!" 784 00:47:44,498 --> 00:47:47,232 Can we please stop talking about your mother. 785 00:47:47,234 --> 00:47:49,367 But I don't know why you'd possibly want a boy, 786 00:47:49,369 --> 00:47:50,803 considering, you know, 787 00:47:50,805 --> 00:47:53,638 the baseline quality of your relationships with men. 788 00:47:53,640 --> 00:47:55,640 Oh. What, revenge? 789 00:47:57,912 --> 00:48:00,345 Oh, Jesus, Frank! 790 00:48:00,347 --> 00:48:03,281 Jesus effing Christ! 791 00:48:05,820 --> 00:48:08,486 Oh, God, you look like you're gonna throw up! 792 00:48:08,488 --> 00:48:10,522 Why would I? You're a very attractive woman. 793 00:48:10,524 --> 00:48:12,357 Not from that. 794 00:48:12,359 --> 00:48:13,592 Oh, right, sorry. 795 00:48:13,594 --> 00:48:14,894 Oh, God! 796 00:48:14,896 --> 00:48:17,295 No! No, no, no, no! 797 00:48:17,297 --> 00:48:19,164 - No? - No, not "no." 798 00:48:19,166 --> 00:48:20,599 I'm just a very negative person. 799 00:48:20,601 --> 00:48:21,734 Okay. 800 00:48:21,736 --> 00:48:23,736 I'm expressing incredulity! 801 00:48:23,738 --> 00:48:25,537 Got it. 802 00:48:25,539 --> 00:48:26,939 - No! - Ah! 803 00:48:26,941 --> 00:48:29,541 No! No! No! No! No! 804 00:48:29,543 --> 00:48:31,643 Oh, boy! Oh, boy! 805 00:48:31,645 --> 00:48:33,378 Oh, boy! 806 00:48:33,380 --> 00:48:37,349 Yeah! Oh, boy! 807 00:48:43,557 --> 00:48:45,357 Anytime, pal. 808 00:48:45,359 --> 00:48:46,691 Can you not talk right now? 809 00:48:46,693 --> 00:48:48,193 Fine. 810 00:48:48,195 --> 00:48:50,662 - It's gonna get cold out. - No, it won't. 811 00:48:50,664 --> 00:48:52,932 Yes, it will. It's the Paso Robles Diurnal. 812 00:48:52,934 --> 00:48:55,634 There's sweeping wind temperatures. 813 00:48:55,636 --> 00:48:57,569 Don't you know anything about meteorology? 814 00:48:57,571 --> 00:48:59,604 No! 815 00:48:59,606 --> 00:49:01,874 Oh, God. Kelp. 816 00:49:01,876 --> 00:49:03,809 - Help? - No, kelp. 817 00:49:03,811 --> 00:49:06,411 There's kelp at or near my vagina. 818 00:49:06,413 --> 00:49:08,781 Oh, that's grass. We're in grass. 819 00:49:08,783 --> 00:49:10,348 How is that better? 820 00:49:10,350 --> 00:49:12,350 You put the ocean in my head with the fucking crabs. 821 00:49:41,348 --> 00:49:42,580 What? 822 00:49:42,582 --> 00:49:44,251 I had a purse. 823 00:49:49,991 --> 00:49:51,924 Do you want a drink? 824 00:49:51,926 --> 00:49:54,960 I want all the drinks poured directly down my gullet. 825 00:49:54,962 --> 00:49:57,930 Why don't we go to your room and crack open your minibar? 826 00:49:57,932 --> 00:49:59,431 Why don't we go to your room 827 00:49:59,433 --> 00:50:01,901 and crack open your goddamn minibar? 828 00:50:01,903 --> 00:50:04,502 Frank. We're alive. 829 00:50:04,504 --> 00:50:06,406 What does that have to do with anything? 830 00:50:29,496 --> 00:50:31,663 - How do you know the words to this? - Come on. 831 00:50:41,675 --> 00:50:44,977 What? 832 00:50:46,914 --> 00:50:48,546 But at some point, 833 00:50:48,548 --> 00:50:50,983 don't you think it just starts to look a little ridiculous? 834 00:50:50,985 --> 00:50:54,385 Think about it, this guy was formally the head of the committee... 835 00:50:54,387 --> 00:50:56,621 "Formerly," not "form-ally." 836 00:50:56,623 --> 00:50:58,258 I know, it's appalling. 837 00:50:59,626 --> 00:51:01,693 Seriously, the chocolate? 838 00:51:01,695 --> 00:51:04,897 We're not going to drink without eating. Alcoholics do that. 839 00:51:04,899 --> 00:51:06,766 The chocolate is the most expensive thing 840 00:51:06,768 --> 00:51:08,100 in the minibar besides the... 841 00:51:08,102 --> 00:51:10,401 wine. 842 00:51:10,403 --> 00:51:12,437 Would you rather we had ordered room service? 843 00:51:12,439 --> 00:51:13,739 Definitely not. 844 00:51:13,741 --> 00:51:15,741 I spoke to the front desk. 845 00:51:15,743 --> 00:51:18,576 They add a delivery fee, a 17 percent gratuity, 846 00:51:18,578 --> 00:51:21,513 and some sort of fuckin' cover charge, like we're in Italy. 847 00:51:21,515 --> 00:51:25,050 I've always wondered why they give you two glasses 848 00:51:25,052 --> 00:51:26,852 even when you're traveling alone. 849 00:51:26,854 --> 00:51:29,587 Because one would be so sad. 850 00:51:29,589 --> 00:51:31,023 Here's to... What? 851 00:51:31,025 --> 00:51:32,626 Please. 852 00:51:46,741 --> 00:51:49,041 It's not hashish. 853 00:51:49,043 --> 00:51:51,676 I'm not wearing anything under my pajamas. 854 00:51:51,678 --> 00:51:53,478 Why would you? They're so alluring. 855 00:51:53,480 --> 00:51:56,514 I didn't think I was gonna be intimate this weekend. 856 00:51:56,516 --> 00:51:57,883 Or any weekend. 857 00:51:57,885 --> 00:52:00,085 Superman couldn't see through those pajamas. 858 00:52:00,087 --> 00:52:01,452 So you tried. 859 00:52:01,454 --> 00:52:04,056 People have jousted in lighter clothing. 860 00:52:04,058 --> 00:52:06,091 - Frank? - Present. 861 00:52:06,093 --> 00:52:09,028 When you said before that I was an attractive woman, 862 00:52:09,030 --> 00:52:10,662 what did you mean? 863 00:52:10,664 --> 00:52:12,397 What do you mean what did I mean? 864 00:52:12,399 --> 00:52:14,432 You're an attractive woman. You're physically appealing. 865 00:52:14,434 --> 00:52:15,837 Can you be more specific? 866 00:52:17,537 --> 00:52:20,840 Your facial features subscribe to the Golden Ratio. 867 00:52:20,842 --> 00:52:22,507 What? 868 00:52:22,509 --> 00:52:25,510 One to the quantity one half times radical five plus one. 869 00:52:25,512 --> 00:52:26,879 The Golden Ratio. 870 00:52:26,881 --> 00:52:28,446 You can tell that? 871 00:52:28,448 --> 00:52:30,049 It's an estimate. 872 00:52:30,051 --> 00:52:32,483 And you have The Folds of Aphrodite. 873 00:52:32,485 --> 00:52:34,686 What are the Folds of Aphrodite? 874 00:52:34,688 --> 00:52:36,688 That's the name of the particular, graceful way 875 00:52:36,690 --> 00:52:38,057 that the cheeks of beautiful women 876 00:52:38,059 --> 00:52:40,692 arrange themselves when they smile. 877 00:52:40,694 --> 00:52:44,096 There's a gentle creasing that begins at the cheekbone 878 00:52:44,098 --> 00:52:46,999 and runs downward, in a slightly arced diagonal, 879 00:52:47,001 --> 00:52:50,202 directing the eye to the mouth. 880 00:52:50,204 --> 00:52:52,439 It's aesthetically thrilling. 881 00:52:54,608 --> 00:52:58,110 Well... I've never heard the term 882 00:52:58,112 --> 00:52:59,945 "Folds of Aphrodite." 883 00:52:59,947 --> 00:53:01,714 I coined it. 884 00:53:01,716 --> 00:53:03,648 Then it's not a real thing. 885 00:53:03,650 --> 00:53:06,118 Then it and you are bullshit. 886 00:53:06,120 --> 00:53:08,854 I googled around and there was no name for it so I coined it. 887 00:53:08,856 --> 00:53:11,724 - It's established now. - Bullshit. 888 00:53:11,726 --> 00:53:15,227 In my experience, there's at least a 90 percent correlation between beautiful women 889 00:53:15,229 --> 00:53:17,930 - and women who have The Folds of Aphrodite. - Oh... 890 00:53:17,932 --> 00:53:20,866 The Folds cut across races and ethnicities. 891 00:53:20,868 --> 00:53:22,469 What else about me? 892 00:53:23,536 --> 00:53:24,803 Well... 893 00:53:28,943 --> 00:53:30,709 you're slender, 894 00:53:30,711 --> 00:53:33,478 but not to the point of a troubled relationship with food. 895 00:53:33,480 --> 00:53:35,613 That's actionable profiling, right there. 896 00:53:35,615 --> 00:53:37,615 File a grievance. 897 00:53:37,617 --> 00:53:41,053 And your curves are very sexy but not vulgar. 898 00:53:41,055 --> 00:53:43,055 Everything very much in proportion, 899 00:53:43,057 --> 00:53:45,224 firm but not overly, 900 00:53:45,226 --> 00:53:48,593 which I've always found weird and prepossessing. 901 00:53:48,595 --> 00:53:51,764 Your arms bespeak physical fitness and athleticism, 902 00:53:51,766 --> 00:53:53,564 but nothing sapphic. 903 00:53:53,566 --> 00:53:56,702 And your ankles quietly aver 904 00:53:56,704 --> 00:53:59,772 that you will keep your body well into later age. 905 00:53:59,774 --> 00:54:02,875 It's despicable the way men look at women. 906 00:54:02,877 --> 00:54:07,647 In short, you are beautiful, graceful, and elegant. 907 00:54:09,150 --> 00:54:12,718 Also, you don't dress in an overtly sexy way. 908 00:54:12,720 --> 00:54:14,887 You seem to understand that dressing sexy 909 00:54:14,889 --> 00:54:17,689 is actually the opposite of being sexy, 910 00:54:17,691 --> 00:54:19,925 that certain information should have to be earned, 911 00:54:19,927 --> 00:54:21,794 rather than given away for free 912 00:54:21,796 --> 00:54:24,696 to anyone and everyone who passeth by your doorstep. 913 00:54:24,698 --> 00:54:26,865 If this were 1732. 914 00:54:26,867 --> 00:54:28,233 I'm giving you a compliment. 915 00:54:28,235 --> 00:54:29,735 You're calling me a prude. 916 00:54:29,737 --> 00:54:31,870 I'm suggesting that you've taken the high road. 917 00:54:31,872 --> 00:54:34,039 Even in this flagrant, flaunting day and age, 918 00:54:34,041 --> 00:54:36,275 you have chosen to preserve the mystery. 919 00:54:36,277 --> 00:54:40,982 Yes, the pajamas go too far, but I applaud the ethos. 920 00:54:43,084 --> 00:54:45,583 - Would you like to know about you? - No. 921 00:54:45,585 --> 00:54:46,821 Yes, you would. 922 00:54:48,789 --> 00:54:50,723 You're very handsome. 923 00:54:50,725 --> 00:54:53,726 You have powerful eyes. 924 00:54:53,728 --> 00:54:56,729 Your hair will never be a problem. 925 00:54:56,731 --> 00:54:59,832 The corners of your mouth touch 926 00:54:59,834 --> 00:55:04,236 but do not cross the vertical lines which bisect your eyes. 927 00:55:04,238 --> 00:55:07,605 In profile, your chin extends exactly the same as your lower lip, 928 00:55:07,607 --> 00:55:09,574 which is an ideal. 929 00:55:09,576 --> 00:55:14,612 Bodily, you feel strong and substantial, sinuous but not wiry. 930 00:55:14,614 --> 00:55:16,348 Sartorially, you get high marks. 931 00:55:16,350 --> 00:55:18,083 You tuck in your shirts because you realize 932 00:55:18,085 --> 00:55:21,120 that tails out is a ridiculous way to dress. 933 00:55:21,122 --> 00:55:24,023 You wear your pants low, and your shoes are legitimate. 934 00:55:24,025 --> 00:55:28,093 And you have a beautiful penis. 935 00:55:28,095 --> 00:55:29,795 I do? 936 00:55:29,797 --> 00:55:31,263 Oh, come on, Frank. 937 00:55:31,265 --> 00:55:34,135 Surely people have told you that your entire life. 938 00:55:35,302 --> 00:55:36,702 No. 939 00:55:36,704 --> 00:55:39,038 Well, it's very nice. 940 00:55:39,040 --> 00:55:40,706 It's straight, 941 00:55:40,708 --> 00:55:43,242 and you would not believe how epidemic a problem that is. 942 00:55:43,244 --> 00:55:47,046 Also, it's balletically formed. 943 00:55:47,048 --> 00:55:52,351 It's not so big as to ever be a cause for concern, 944 00:55:52,353 --> 00:55:56,055 but it's big enough never to be the object of ridicule or scorn. 945 00:55:56,057 --> 00:55:59,058 You're in a very sweet spot there. 946 00:55:59,060 --> 00:56:01,894 Are you saying that Keith's penis is not straight? 947 00:56:01,896 --> 00:56:05,696 Can you imagine that we would have gone this entire weekend 948 00:56:05,698 --> 00:56:08,100 without saying these things to each other? 949 00:56:08,102 --> 00:56:10,769 - "Balletically formed"? - That's right. 950 00:56:10,771 --> 00:56:14,273 People are ridiculous and pathetic. 951 00:56:14,275 --> 00:56:17,342 Animals, that's all. 952 00:56:17,344 --> 00:56:21,180 We want to believe that there's some high-minded, cosmic meaning behind love, 953 00:56:21,182 --> 00:56:22,881 but the truth is we're drawn to, 954 00:56:22,883 --> 00:56:24,817 and make most of our decisions based upon, 955 00:56:24,819 --> 00:56:29,054 shapes we find appealing, and colors and textures 956 00:56:29,056 --> 00:56:32,724 and smells and tastes and spatial relations. 957 00:56:32,726 --> 00:56:35,127 It's so stupid. 958 00:56:35,129 --> 00:56:37,329 This is pretty good. 959 00:56:37,331 --> 00:56:39,398 I mean, when I think about what people look like 960 00:56:39,400 --> 00:56:43,035 when they kiss or have sex, I want to vomit. 961 00:56:43,037 --> 00:56:44,937 You almost did vomit. 962 00:56:44,939 --> 00:56:48,707 I mean, there's nothing beautiful or transcendent about being human. 963 00:56:48,709 --> 00:56:51,210 Ultimately, it's just a filthy business 964 00:56:51,212 --> 00:56:54,913 of a revolting species trying to survive. 965 00:56:54,915 --> 00:56:57,749 I mean, if you've ever really watched another person eat, 966 00:56:57,751 --> 00:56:59,885 or seen yourself in a mirror taking a shit, 967 00:56:59,887 --> 00:57:02,754 or walked through South Coast Plaza, 968 00:57:02,756 --> 00:57:04,756 you know exactly what I'm talking about. 969 00:57:04,758 --> 00:57:07,392 But I had my eyes open when I was fucking you, 970 00:57:07,394 --> 00:57:09,294 and I thought we must have looked pretty good. 971 00:57:09,296 --> 00:57:12,231 My father thought he had a good golf swing. 972 00:57:13,434 --> 00:57:14,735 Wait. 973 00:57:17,471 --> 00:57:20,172 Do a groove chew. 974 00:57:20,174 --> 00:57:22,007 I'm sorry? 975 00:57:22,009 --> 00:57:24,009 It's a style of chewing used 976 00:57:24,011 --> 00:57:25,811 when you're really enjoying something 977 00:57:25,813 --> 00:57:27,880 that you don't have very often. 978 00:57:27,882 --> 00:57:29,383 Like this. 979 00:57:31,886 --> 00:57:32,887 Mm! 980 00:57:34,321 --> 00:57:35,256 Mm! 981 00:57:38,159 --> 00:57:40,392 - This is a thing? - I coined it. 982 00:57:40,394 --> 00:57:42,761 And you're not embarrassed? 983 00:57:42,763 --> 00:57:44,398 All right, just come on. Just try. 984 00:57:47,902 --> 00:57:49,234 - Mmm... - Mm. 985 00:57:49,236 --> 00:57:51,739 - Mmm! - Mmm-mm! 986 00:57:58,445 --> 00:58:00,913 - Can you groove swallow? - You can. 987 00:58:00,915 --> 00:58:03,017 - Can we groove swallow now? - Okay, fine. 988 00:58:19,500 --> 00:58:21,202 - Huh? - Uh... 989 00:58:27,441 --> 00:58:29,777 I remember the first time I ever saw you. 990 00:58:30,945 --> 00:58:32,477 It was a partial nephrectomy. 991 00:58:32,479 --> 00:58:35,883 You were standing in for Dr. Sumner who had an emergency. 992 00:58:37,384 --> 00:58:39,117 With your cap and mask, 993 00:58:39,119 --> 00:58:41,188 all I could see were your eyes. 994 00:58:42,823 --> 00:58:44,325 And I remember thinking... 995 00:58:45,292 --> 00:58:46,794 thank God. 996 00:58:49,129 --> 00:58:51,863 Because anything more would be too much to bear. 997 00:58:51,865 --> 00:58:53,799 Stop worrying about fucking each other 998 00:58:53,801 --> 00:58:56,368 and start saving the people who are dying in your hospital. 999 00:58:56,370 --> 00:58:59,371 Your patient has a snake in his urethra. 1000 00:58:59,373 --> 00:59:01,406 You should all lose your licenses. 1001 00:59:01,408 --> 00:59:04,843 When my time comes, I will sign a DNR. 1002 00:59:04,845 --> 00:59:07,312 I won't. I want to be resuscitated. 1003 00:59:07,314 --> 00:59:10,415 I want to be intubated, revived, retrieved, and prolonged. 1004 00:59:10,417 --> 00:59:11,883 I want them to zap me with clappers 1005 00:59:11,885 --> 00:59:15,454 and inject my heart with that long needle of adrenaline... whatever it takes. 1006 00:59:15,456 --> 00:59:17,489 What? But, what if there's no hope? 1007 00:59:17,491 --> 00:59:18,957 There's already no hope. 1008 00:59:18,959 --> 00:59:21,526 But what if you're just a burden to your family 1009 00:59:21,528 --> 00:59:24,196 and, by extension, the entire health-care system? 1010 00:59:24,198 --> 00:59:25,397 Won't give a shit. 1011 00:59:25,399 --> 00:59:27,366 I want them to stave off death. 1012 00:59:27,368 --> 00:59:30,035 I don't care if there's turnips with better brain-wave patterns. 1013 00:59:30,037 --> 00:59:31,270 Legumes. 1014 00:59:31,272 --> 00:59:33,138 But I thought you hated life. 1015 00:59:33,140 --> 00:59:35,340 I do, but I'm going to be dead for a long time, 1016 00:59:35,342 --> 00:59:37,276 so there's no rush. 1017 00:59:37,278 --> 00:59:38,577 Do you want to have children? 1018 00:59:38,579 --> 00:59:40,112 I'd rather be dead in a ditch. 1019 00:59:40,114 --> 00:59:42,080 Oh. 1020 00:59:42,082 --> 00:59:44,449 I mean, why would I do that to those poor souls? 1021 00:59:44,451 --> 00:59:47,085 Well, for the same reason you want to be resuscitated. 1022 00:59:47,087 --> 00:59:50,956 Because being, as bad as it is, is better than not being. 1023 00:59:50,958 --> 00:59:53,091 This is a horrible place to be. 1024 00:59:53,093 --> 00:59:55,360 Central California, or the whole thing? 1025 00:59:55,362 --> 00:59:58,030 I'm already alive. I already know shit. 1026 00:59:58,032 --> 00:59:59,998 But unborn children are none the wiser 1027 01:00:00,000 --> 01:00:01,933 and deserve to be protected from certain things, 1028 01:00:01,935 --> 01:00:03,402 like being alive in the first place. 1029 01:00:03,404 --> 01:00:05,170 That makes no sense. 1030 01:00:05,172 --> 01:00:07,339 Living was not my choice. It was my mother's. 1031 01:00:07,341 --> 01:00:09,374 Have you ever heard of anything more selfish? 1032 01:00:09,376 --> 01:00:12,077 - I hope I'm not pregnant. - That's all I'm saying. 1033 01:00:12,079 --> 01:00:14,179 Why did your father leave your mother? 1034 01:00:14,181 --> 01:00:15,347 Because he could. 1035 01:00:15,349 --> 01:00:17,482 Because he had the power of locomotion. 1036 01:00:17,484 --> 01:00:21,353 Why did she keep and hyphenate both her divorced last names? 1037 01:00:21,355 --> 01:00:23,955 Because she thought it made her sound aristocratic. 1038 01:00:23,957 --> 01:00:25,557 Also, this way she gets all her mail. 1039 01:00:25,559 --> 01:00:29,528 And what would you say is the major barrier 1040 01:00:29,530 --> 01:00:32,130 to a warm relationship between you and your half-brother? 1041 01:00:32,132 --> 01:00:34,900 He's a douchebag. Why are you asking me these questions? 1042 01:00:34,902 --> 01:00:37,035 Just... I don't know. 1043 01:00:37,037 --> 01:00:41,073 I'm just evaluating your qualifications as an ongoing love interest. 1044 01:00:41,075 --> 01:00:42,941 Not that I'm advocating that. 1045 01:00:42,943 --> 01:00:45,544 Clearly, you're an emotional cripple, as am I. 1046 01:00:45,546 --> 01:00:50,315 I don't have any qualifications as an ongoing love interest and neither do you. 1047 01:00:50,317 --> 01:00:52,417 But love interest is too strong a word. 1048 01:00:52,419 --> 01:00:54,353 I, um... Affection. 1049 01:00:54,355 --> 01:00:55,987 Interest. Tolerance interest. 1050 01:00:55,989 --> 01:00:57,989 This isn't going to be ongoing. 1051 01:00:57,991 --> 01:01:00,158 What, you've just decided that unilaterally? 1052 01:01:00,160 --> 01:01:02,561 - For both our sakes. - I don't get a say? 1053 01:01:02,563 --> 01:01:05,230 No, you have terrible judgment in this regard. 1054 01:01:05,232 --> 01:01:08,300 What, but... I... 1055 01:01:08,302 --> 01:01:12,037 My head is finally clear, thanks to you. 1056 01:01:12,039 --> 01:01:14,639 I mean, I haven't thought about Keith since the mountain lion. 1057 01:01:14,641 --> 01:01:17,275 So you admit it was a mountain lion. 1058 01:01:17,277 --> 01:01:20,145 Do you have any idea how huge this is for me? 1059 01:01:20,147 --> 01:01:22,047 If it's true, the mountain lion and I 1060 01:01:22,049 --> 01:01:24,449 are happy to have performed that service. 1061 01:01:24,451 --> 01:01:28,053 But now, apparently, no good deed goes unpunished. 1062 01:01:28,055 --> 01:01:30,188 I think I finally have closure. 1063 01:01:30,190 --> 01:01:32,424 I don't trust that statement and neither should you. 1064 01:01:32,426 --> 01:01:34,059 But you want to. 1065 01:01:34,061 --> 01:01:36,294 You don't just jump from one love object to another. 1066 01:01:36,296 --> 01:01:38,196 - Tolerance object. - That's how mistakes are made. 1067 01:01:38,198 --> 01:01:39,965 All I make are mistakes. 1068 01:01:39,967 --> 01:01:41,433 At least this one would be fun. 1069 01:01:41,435 --> 01:01:43,101 Are you having fun right now? 1070 01:01:43,103 --> 01:01:46,407 Yes. I mean, we're kind of arguing, but there's hope. 1071 01:01:47,508 --> 01:01:49,341 This is an interlude. 1072 01:01:49,343 --> 01:01:51,042 A weekend. 1073 01:01:51,044 --> 01:01:53,612 A small oasis of time in which we can taste intimacy 1074 01:01:53,614 --> 01:01:57,015 like it's a piece of free salami at Trader Joe's. 1075 01:01:57,017 --> 01:02:00,185 Why not? You're in the store anyway, and you forgot to eat breakfast, 1076 01:02:00,187 --> 01:02:03,555 and it tastes okay, and afterwards there's no salami fallout. 1077 01:02:03,557 --> 01:02:07,058 When no one's looking, you just drop the toothpick onto the floor. 1078 01:02:07,060 --> 01:02:09,762 Man, you're not one of the... Do you do that? 1079 01:02:09,764 --> 01:02:11,630 Well, there's no garbage pails in that place, 1080 01:02:11,632 --> 01:02:14,734 and it's unsanitary to put the toothpick on the receptacle napkin. 1081 01:02:14,736 --> 01:02:16,601 All right, le... just... Okay. 1082 01:02:16,603 --> 01:02:18,170 Just... I'm just devil's advocate. 1083 01:02:18,172 --> 01:02:20,272 Maybe... 1084 01:02:20,274 --> 01:02:22,007 just what if, okay? 1085 01:02:22,009 --> 01:02:23,608 What if it's more? 1086 01:02:23,610 --> 01:02:26,578 What if there actually is something to the idea 1087 01:02:26,580 --> 01:02:28,447 of a destination wedding? 1088 01:02:28,449 --> 01:02:32,083 What if we've been thinking about this whole thing backwards? 1089 01:02:32,085 --> 01:02:34,252 What if... 1090 01:02:34,254 --> 01:02:39,057 I know, but what if our real destination was each other? 1091 01:02:39,059 --> 01:02:41,228 What if you never say that again? 1092 01:02:43,230 --> 01:02:46,231 What if happiness is... contagious? 1093 01:02:46,233 --> 01:02:47,666 Why would you think that meeting someone 1094 01:02:47,668 --> 01:02:49,501 has anything to do with being happy? 1095 01:02:49,503 --> 01:02:51,036 Because! 1096 01:02:51,038 --> 01:02:52,637 Once upon a time, I met someone, 1097 01:02:52,639 --> 01:02:54,807 and I was happy... I thought. 1098 01:02:54,809 --> 01:02:57,142 Personally, I'd be worried if my life philosophy 1099 01:02:57,144 --> 01:02:58,778 began with "Once Upon a Time." 1100 01:02:58,780 --> 01:03:00,780 Well, I was raised by optimists. 1101 01:03:00,782 --> 01:03:02,815 But you have a preponderance of counter-evidence. 1102 01:03:02,817 --> 01:03:04,649 Were you not watching your own engagement? 1103 01:03:04,651 --> 01:03:06,752 - How could I have been? - What's wrong with you? 1104 01:03:06,754 --> 01:03:09,421 Nothing. Sometimes I just willfully reject irony. 1105 01:03:09,423 --> 01:03:10,790 You are doomed. 1106 01:03:10,792 --> 01:03:13,425 Maybe we saved each other, Frank. 1107 01:03:13,427 --> 01:03:15,627 I mean, did you ever think about it like that? 1108 01:03:15,629 --> 01:03:18,296 No. Neither should you. 1109 01:03:18,298 --> 01:03:21,132 I wonder how many people met at weddings 1110 01:03:21,134 --> 01:03:23,535 - and then went on to... - Thirty-two. 1111 01:03:23,537 --> 01:03:26,438 Why not, you know, extend the oasis? 1112 01:03:26,440 --> 01:03:28,774 A good day here, a good day there, 1113 01:03:28,776 --> 01:03:32,110 pretty soon you're just talking about a couple of good days. 1114 01:03:32,112 --> 01:03:34,112 What time does our flight land tomorrow night? 1115 01:03:34,114 --> 01:03:35,715 I don't know, about 7:30? 1116 01:03:35,717 --> 01:03:39,084 I will extend it until tomorrow at about 7:30. 1117 01:03:39,086 --> 01:03:42,521 Well, there's no point in extending it another four seconds 1118 01:03:42,523 --> 01:03:45,423 if you're not gonna keep your mind open to the possibilities. 1119 01:03:45,425 --> 01:03:47,559 Why do people need the dangled carrot of a future? 1120 01:03:47,561 --> 01:03:48,761 Because we do. 1121 01:03:48,763 --> 01:03:50,730 Because connection is precious, 1122 01:03:50,732 --> 01:03:53,331 therefore, it is immoral 1123 01:03:53,333 --> 01:03:56,201 to just treat each other like dalliances, 1124 01:03:56,203 --> 01:03:58,537 even if that's what we wind up being. 1125 01:03:58,539 --> 01:04:00,505 But that's exactly what we wind up being. 1126 01:04:00,507 --> 01:04:03,141 Permanence is a myth, an a... an illusion. 1127 01:04:03,143 --> 01:04:05,243 Well, I didn't say anything about permanence. 1128 01:04:05,245 --> 01:04:09,114 I was speaking of a slightly lengthier temporariness. 1129 01:04:09,116 --> 01:04:10,282 What's the point? 1130 01:04:10,284 --> 01:04:12,250 I just told you what the point was. 1131 01:04:12,252 --> 01:04:15,353 But when it's over, you're right back at square zero. 1132 01:04:15,355 --> 01:04:17,389 I will not keep my mind open. 1133 01:04:17,391 --> 01:04:19,357 Well, then just keep it open 1134 01:04:19,359 --> 01:04:21,727 to the possibility of keeping it open. 1135 01:04:21,729 --> 01:04:22,663 No. 1136 01:04:24,197 --> 01:04:25,664 Really? 1137 01:04:25,666 --> 01:04:30,335 Oh, wow. That's... I... I'm almost, I'm almost... 1138 01:04:30,337 --> 01:04:32,304 You know what, if you can't or won't, 1139 01:04:32,306 --> 01:04:34,639 then you simply can't or won't. 1140 01:04:34,641 --> 01:04:36,608 - That's my blanket. - "That's my blanket." 1141 01:04:36,610 --> 01:04:38,476 You might want to shake out the Pringle fragments. 1142 01:04:38,478 --> 01:04:40,178 "You might want to shake out the Pringle fragments." 1143 01:04:40,180 --> 01:04:41,379 If you want to leave, just say so. 1144 01:04:41,381 --> 01:04:43,481 - I very much want to leave. - Say it again. 1145 01:04:43,483 --> 01:04:45,417 You debate like a child. 1146 01:04:45,419 --> 01:04:47,419 You eat like a raccoon. 1147 01:04:47,421 --> 01:04:48,823 You're fucking up. 1148 01:04:53,761 --> 01:04:55,527 How about if I keep my mind open 1149 01:04:55,529 --> 01:04:57,562 to the possibility of keeping my mind open 1150 01:04:57,564 --> 01:05:00,267 to the possibility of keeping my mind open? 1151 01:05:01,535 --> 01:05:04,770 That is just one metalevel too removed. 1152 01:05:04,772 --> 01:05:06,706 Come on. 1153 01:05:06,708 --> 01:05:08,175 Get back into bed. 1154 01:05:09,676 --> 01:05:12,212 Let's find out who the nephrologist is sleeping with. 1155 01:05:13,715 --> 01:05:15,647 Fine. 1156 01:05:15,649 --> 01:05:18,183 But only until the next commercial break. 1157 01:05:18,185 --> 01:05:20,720 And with no sexual reprise. 1158 01:05:20,722 --> 01:05:25,725 And only because I do want to know who the nephrologist is sleeping with. 1159 01:05:25,727 --> 01:05:27,258 Okay. 1160 01:05:30,631 --> 01:05:34,834 When I look at you, I don't see smallpox. 1161 01:05:34,836 --> 01:05:36,234 And it's "re-prize." 1162 01:05:36,236 --> 01:05:37,402 It's "re-preeze." 1163 01:05:37,404 --> 01:05:40,207 - "Re-prize." - It's... "re-preeze." 1164 01:07:10,064 --> 01:07:11,864 Jesus, is it Kristallnacht? 1165 01:07:11,866 --> 01:07:13,431 Oh, it's housekeeping. 1166 01:07:13,433 --> 01:07:15,433 They're not going to get that reference. 1167 01:07:16,570 --> 01:07:18,470 Mas retardos! 1168 01:07:18,472 --> 01:07:22,509 Ah... 1169 01:07:23,745 --> 01:07:27,947 Oh... You shouldn't be in here. 1170 01:07:27,949 --> 01:07:29,581 This is my room. 1171 01:07:29,583 --> 01:07:31,016 Then I shouldn't be in here. 1172 01:07:31,018 --> 01:07:33,651 Okay. 1173 01:07:33,653 --> 01:07:35,721 How did I wind up in this position? 1174 01:07:35,723 --> 01:07:37,522 You made some poor life choices. 1175 01:07:37,524 --> 01:07:40,325 No, in this position. I'm half off the bed. 1176 01:07:40,327 --> 01:07:42,728 Why is my nose bleeding? 1177 01:07:42,730 --> 01:07:45,563 I think I have a spinal injury. 1178 01:07:45,565 --> 01:07:47,465 You feel pregnant? 1179 01:07:47,467 --> 01:07:48,734 I wouldn't know. 1180 01:07:48,736 --> 01:07:50,468 What's your gut say? 1181 01:07:50,470 --> 01:07:51,904 What it always says. 1182 01:07:51,906 --> 01:07:53,839 "Don't listen to me." 1183 01:07:53,841 --> 01:07:55,875 But if you did listen? 1184 01:07:55,877 --> 01:07:58,476 I don't feel any different, if that's what you mean. 1185 01:07:58,478 --> 01:08:01,346 - Good. - How is that good? 1186 01:08:01,348 --> 01:08:05,050 Why would you want me to perpetuate my general circumstances? 1187 01:08:05,052 --> 01:08:07,086 You can do anything you want with your circumstances. 1188 01:08:07,088 --> 01:08:08,921 I was thinking of my circumstances. 1189 01:08:08,923 --> 01:08:10,823 Which are so wonderful. 1190 01:08:10,825 --> 01:08:12,590 We shouldn't have spent the night together. 1191 01:08:12,592 --> 01:08:13,893 You wouldn't let me leave. 1192 01:08:13,895 --> 01:08:15,895 I didn't want it to end on a bad note. 1193 01:08:15,897 --> 01:08:17,129 Also, you're in the next room. 1194 01:08:17,131 --> 01:08:19,031 It would have been spectacularly awkward. 1195 01:08:19,033 --> 01:08:20,500 As opposed to this. 1196 01:08:21,769 --> 01:08:25,037 We tried, okay? We did. 1197 01:08:25,039 --> 01:08:28,606 But at some point there's just not enough optimism left inside a person 1198 01:08:28,608 --> 01:08:31,476 to sustain something like this, you know? 1199 01:08:31,478 --> 01:08:33,946 You broken preacher, me broken choir. 1200 01:08:33,948 --> 01:08:36,614 I think it's important we recognize that and verbalize it openly, 1201 01:08:36,616 --> 01:08:38,650 so as to avoid any discomfort. 1202 01:08:38,652 --> 01:08:41,486 Oh. Mission accomplished. 1203 01:08:41,488 --> 01:08:42,757 Good. 1204 01:08:47,895 --> 01:08:50,428 Do you have everything? 1205 01:08:50,430 --> 01:08:53,065 Oh, um... Yeah. 1206 01:08:53,067 --> 01:08:56,035 I think, uh, my... 1207 01:08:56,037 --> 01:08:58,670 Can we still hang together at the farewell brunch? 1208 01:08:58,672 --> 01:09:00,471 Uh, who else am I gonna hang with? 1209 01:09:00,473 --> 01:09:02,607 Although I suppose I could hang with myself. 1210 01:09:02,609 --> 01:09:07,012 Well, I'm going to shove some tissues up my nostrils and take a shower. 1211 01:09:07,014 --> 01:09:09,050 Sounds like good-bye to me. 1212 01:09:25,166 --> 01:09:28,067 Well, what do you think, about time we head to the airport? 1213 01:09:28,069 --> 01:09:29,534 It's really close. 1214 01:09:29,536 --> 01:09:30,903 Fifteen minutes. 1215 01:09:30,905 --> 01:09:33,873 - Well, our flight's not for... - Five hours. 1216 01:09:33,875 --> 01:09:36,075 - There could be traffic. - Why take chances? 1217 01:09:36,077 --> 01:09:37,912 Then we should just say our good-byes. 1218 01:09:39,714 --> 01:09:40,848 Good-bye. 1219 01:09:44,886 --> 01:09:46,551 Want your farewell gift? 1220 01:09:46,553 --> 01:09:49,156 The farewell is my gift, but please, take mine. 1221 01:10:06,140 --> 01:10:08,673 Who was San Luis Obispo, anyway? 1222 01:10:08,675 --> 01:10:11,076 And what the fuck did he do to become a saint? 1223 01:10:11,078 --> 01:10:13,879 Thirteenth Century Bishop of Toulouse. 1224 01:10:13,881 --> 01:10:17,615 Served the poor, left the Church, and died of typhus. 1225 01:10:17,617 --> 01:10:19,218 That's all it takes? 1226 01:10:19,220 --> 01:10:20,853 It was in the welcome basket. 1227 01:10:20,855 --> 01:10:23,588 Why would you canonize a guy who left the Church? 1228 01:10:23,590 --> 01:10:26,825 Why look to France when you're naming a city in California? 1229 01:10:26,827 --> 01:10:28,994 And what the fuck happened with the urban planning here? 1230 01:10:28,996 --> 01:10:31,830 - At some point, did they just give up? - Right. 1231 01:10:31,832 --> 01:10:34,666 On the off, off chance that I ever have a wedding, 1232 01:10:34,668 --> 01:10:38,103 I would never make anyone travel to it. 1233 01:10:38,105 --> 01:10:40,174 I don't think you'll have to worry about that. 1234 01:10:46,680 --> 01:10:48,182 Because you're a decent person. 1235 01:10:50,051 --> 01:10:52,184 Not because you won't get married. 1236 01:10:52,186 --> 01:10:53,553 Oh, come on. 1237 01:11:06,666 --> 01:11:08,668 Why do we live, Frank? 1238 01:11:09,303 --> 01:11:11,536 Oh, Jesus Christ. 1239 01:11:11,538 --> 01:11:13,772 I'm serious. 1240 01:11:13,774 --> 01:11:16,641 The work we do isn't meaningful in any great sense. 1241 01:11:16,643 --> 01:11:19,610 The connections we make invariably fall to ruin. 1242 01:11:19,612 --> 01:11:22,247 Everything we build burns to the ground. 1243 01:11:22,249 --> 01:11:25,784 Meaning is a myth, like you've said, so why do we live? 1244 01:11:25,786 --> 01:11:28,721 I was so enjoying the silence. 1245 01:11:28,723 --> 01:11:33,092 It has to be that the myth isn't a myth for everyone. 1246 01:11:33,094 --> 01:11:36,161 Well, it's certainly a myth for those two. Look at them. 1247 01:11:36,163 --> 01:11:38,998 They'd rather burst into flames than to fuck each other. 1248 01:11:39,000 --> 01:11:41,967 - You don't know that. - Oh, yes, I do. 1249 01:11:41,969 --> 01:11:47,672 It's possible that within the myth, there's a sliver of truth, 1250 01:11:47,674 --> 01:11:50,342 and you have to believe in that sliver wholeheartedly, 1251 01:11:50,344 --> 01:11:53,678 come what may, despite the rational mind, 1252 01:11:53,680 --> 01:11:57,216 because if you... if you don't, 1253 01:11:57,218 --> 01:12:00,019 the myth just reveals itself to be a myth, 1254 01:12:00,021 --> 01:12:03,756 and meaninglessness becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. 1255 01:12:03,758 --> 01:12:08,827 Try as I might, I cannot get behind wine in screw-top bottles. 1256 01:12:08,829 --> 01:12:12,663 Also, you have to encourage others to believe in the myth. 1257 01:12:12,665 --> 01:12:14,867 Because if they believe, they can do anything. 1258 01:12:14,869 --> 01:12:17,970 They can laugh, cry, hope, 1259 01:12:17,972 --> 01:12:20,172 vote, get married. 1260 01:12:20,174 --> 01:12:23,142 But if they don't, they can't do anything, I mean not really, 1261 01:12:23,144 --> 01:12:27,780 except make themselves as shallowly happy and comfortable as possible. 1262 01:12:27,782 --> 01:12:31,016 Which is just vanity, let's face it. 1263 01:12:31,018 --> 01:12:34,019 For me, wine in a screw-top 1264 01:12:34,021 --> 01:12:36,924 will always carry the stench of chintziness. 1265 01:12:38,926 --> 01:12:42,261 What if we're falling in love? 1266 01:12:42,263 --> 01:12:45,097 Don't get me wrong, I'm not a big fan of cork. 1267 01:12:45,099 --> 01:12:47,399 You ever see it on a wall or in the heels of an espadrille? 1268 01:12:47,401 --> 01:12:48,901 Ridiculous. 1269 01:12:48,903 --> 01:12:52,938 But for wine, it conveys a certain necessary élan. 1270 01:12:52,940 --> 01:12:55,040 What if love comes for everyone? 1271 01:12:55,042 --> 01:12:57,109 Don't be absurd. 1272 01:12:57,111 --> 01:13:00,712 What if no one is immune, not even us? 1273 01:13:00,714 --> 01:13:01,782 Stop it. 1274 01:13:04,018 --> 01:13:06,952 It would be remiss not to embrace the miracle. 1275 01:13:06,954 --> 01:13:09,221 What happened between us was not a miracle. 1276 01:13:09,223 --> 01:13:11,256 It was actually much closer to a debacle. 1277 01:13:11,258 --> 01:13:13,325 - Maybe that's what you meant. - Oh, come on. 1278 01:13:13,327 --> 01:13:15,060 You don't find it miraculous 1279 01:13:15,062 --> 01:13:17,963 that two people like us forged any kind of bond? 1280 01:13:17,965 --> 01:13:20,766 I find it "debaculous." 1281 01:13:20,768 --> 01:13:22,434 It was a miracle. 1282 01:13:22,436 --> 01:13:25,204 It required forever being seated together. 1283 01:13:25,206 --> 01:13:28,774 It required an adjoining door and a near-death experience. 1284 01:13:28,776 --> 01:13:30,409 What are you waiting for, a burning bush? 1285 01:13:30,411 --> 01:13:33,145 I can't believe you're bringing this up again. 1286 01:13:33,147 --> 01:13:34,913 I thought we had an understanding. 1287 01:13:34,915 --> 01:13:37,216 We had come to an agreement. 1288 01:13:37,218 --> 01:13:39,952 We're less than an hour away from parting as friends. 1289 01:13:39,954 --> 01:13:41,720 Okay, but deep down, 1290 01:13:41,722 --> 01:13:44,689 in your broken, miserable gut, 1291 01:13:44,691 --> 01:13:47,893 don't you want something that's pure 1292 01:13:47,895 --> 01:13:50,362 and in its own grotesque way, beautiful? 1293 01:13:50,364 --> 01:13:52,331 No. 1294 01:13:52,333 --> 01:13:56,068 Don't you want to secretly have a romantic life 1295 01:13:56,070 --> 01:13:59,304 that confirms your hopes instead of your cynicism? 1296 01:13:59,306 --> 01:14:00,839 No. 1297 01:14:00,841 --> 01:14:02,841 Don't you want to believe that things like this 1298 01:14:02,843 --> 01:14:04,209 actually do happen? 1299 01:14:04,211 --> 01:14:06,178 Nope. I'm fond of my cynicism. 1300 01:14:06,180 --> 01:14:08,380 It's very comfortable. 1301 01:14:08,382 --> 01:14:10,916 - Like a warm blanket of your own shit. - Yes. Yes. 1302 01:14:10,918 --> 01:14:12,885 I'm very comfortable and warm 1303 01:14:12,887 --> 01:14:15,389 in my fucking warm blanket of fucking shit. 1304 01:14:19,326 --> 01:14:21,827 But what if we're falling in love? 1305 01:14:21,829 --> 01:14:23,095 Dear God... 1306 01:14:23,097 --> 01:14:25,898 I mean, what if this is what it's like? 1307 01:14:25,900 --> 01:14:27,733 It would end in disaster. 1308 01:14:27,735 --> 01:14:29,101 - What if it didn't? - It would. 1309 01:14:29,103 --> 01:14:30,905 - I know. - Good. 1310 01:14:33,841 --> 01:14:36,041 - But... - Stop. 1311 01:14:36,043 --> 01:14:37,411 - Ah... - Stop. 1312 01:14:38,913 --> 01:14:41,914 But... 1313 01:14:49,123 --> 01:14:50,891 Oh! 1314 01:14:54,995 --> 01:14:56,962 This is not funny. Don't laugh at me, please. 1315 01:14:56,964 --> 01:14:59,464 I'm laughing out of affection. 1316 01:14:59,466 --> 01:15:01,433 No one laughs at another person out of affection. 1317 01:15:01,435 --> 01:15:03,335 You laugh at another person out of contempt. 1318 01:15:03,337 --> 01:15:05,437 No. I'm laughing 'cause it's cute. 1319 01:15:05,439 --> 01:15:06,972 - It is? - Yes. 1320 01:15:06,974 --> 01:15:08,774 But, fine, I'll stop laughing. 1321 01:15:08,776 --> 01:15:09,710 Thank you. 1322 01:15:14,882 --> 01:15:16,415 - Frank? - Yes? 1323 01:15:16,417 --> 01:15:19,518 Don't you, like, have an instinct about me? 1324 01:15:19,520 --> 01:15:20,788 Nope. 1325 01:15:22,423 --> 01:15:25,123 I think you do. 1326 01:15:25,125 --> 01:15:27,926 You're the one who said your gut can't be trusted. 1327 01:15:27,928 --> 01:15:29,294 That's true. 1328 01:15:29,296 --> 01:15:31,863 For a long time, it's been a lying bitch. 1329 01:15:31,865 --> 01:15:34,032 But I would have been willing to give it another shot. 1330 01:15:34,034 --> 01:15:36,034 Why? I mean, how much shit has to fall on your head 1331 01:15:36,036 --> 01:15:37,869 before you start wearing a hat? 1332 01:15:37,871 --> 01:15:41,073 You can't die from jumping out of a basement window. 1333 01:15:41,075 --> 01:15:43,811 Of course you can. You can hit your head on a pipe or something. 1334 01:15:47,181 --> 01:15:49,348 You're going to wish you embraced the miracle, Frank. 1335 01:15:49,350 --> 01:15:50,951 You're gonna wish you had. 1336 01:16:30,124 --> 01:16:32,557 How are your pants, John Wayne Bobbitt? 1337 01:16:32,559 --> 01:16:34,528 Sticky. 1338 01:16:41,902 --> 01:16:44,870 We shouldn't exchange contact information. 1339 01:16:44,872 --> 01:16:46,438 There's no point. 1340 01:16:46,440 --> 01:16:48,008 I think I just said that. 1341 01:16:49,543 --> 01:16:52,144 It was very nice to meet you. 1342 01:16:52,146 --> 01:16:54,281 It was very nice to meet you too. 1343 01:17:00,921 --> 01:17:02,587 I know what you're going to say... 1344 01:17:02,589 --> 01:17:05,357 - "It's not you, it's me." - No, it's you. 1345 01:17:05,359 --> 01:17:07,659 It's me. 1346 01:17:07,661 --> 01:17:09,127 Yeah. I know. 1347 01:17:09,129 --> 01:17:11,396 - It's you. - I... Yep. 1348 01:17:27,414 --> 01:17:28,916 I liked the bow though. 1349 01:17:43,630 --> 01:17:46,665 Why didn't we meet seven years ago, Frank? 1350 01:17:46,667 --> 01:17:48,235 Just lucky, I guess. 1351 01:17:52,539 --> 01:17:55,674 14 Catalina Drive, Newport Beach, please? 1352 01:17:55,676 --> 01:17:58,276 What are you doing? Don't give your exact address. 1353 01:17:58,278 --> 01:17:59,646 You don't know who the driver is. 1354 01:18:01,215 --> 01:18:03,281 Thank you for caring. 1355 01:18:03,283 --> 01:18:05,152 I don't. I would've said the same to anyone. 1356 01:18:07,154 --> 01:18:09,154 We're holding up the line, Frank. 1357 01:18:09,156 --> 01:18:10,958 There are other people in the world. 1358 01:18:12,025 --> 01:18:13,360 There are? 1359 01:18:53,768 --> 01:18:55,569 Do you have a whistle? 1360 01:19:10,417 --> 01:19:12,184 And then taxation. 1361 01:19:12,186 --> 01:19:15,187 We get shut down every single time by your... 1362 01:19:15,189 --> 01:19:17,355 - Idea you have so far. - No, no, no. 1363 01:19:17,357 --> 01:19:18,724 Can I speak? Can I speak? 1364 01:19:18,726 --> 01:19:19,759 - Please. - Because of your... 1365 01:19:19,761 --> 01:19:20,860 - Hold on. Hold on. - That's what I... 1366 01:19:20,862 --> 01:19:23,428 - Just wait a second, all right? - I'm working on it. 1367 01:19:25,666 --> 01:19:28,333 It's the guys who stand by in all their philosophies 1368 01:19:28,335 --> 01:19:31,102 and all their ideas and everything that they represent. 1369 01:19:31,104 --> 01:19:32,705 They're talking about the silent majority. 1370 01:19:32,707 --> 01:19:35,040 I don't know. I mean, listen, 1371 01:19:35,042 --> 01:19:37,375 - if you look at the facts again... - Hold on. 1372 01:19:37,377 --> 01:19:39,277 They're having a sidebar here. Hold on. 1373 01:19:39,279 --> 01:19:41,680 How can we even bring that up at this point? 1374 01:19:41,682 --> 01:19:43,348 - But what fact? - In the media. 1375 01:19:43,350 --> 01:19:44,549 You're not getting paid here. 1376 01:19:44,551 --> 01:19:46,819 You have got to look at what your guy did too. 1377 01:19:46,821 --> 01:19:48,386 Oh, really? There it is again. 1378 01:19:48,388 --> 01:19:50,088 There's the same thing right there. 1379 01:19:50,090 --> 01:19:52,457 It's the same response for the other side. Yeah. 1380 01:19:52,459 --> 01:19:55,327 Yeah, but never mind because your guy was worse... 108021

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