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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,141 --> 00:00:09,211 Thom: Previously on "Happyish"... 2 00:00:09,243 --> 00:00:10,713 Keebler talks about real. 3 00:00:10,744 --> 00:00:12,784 Real ingredients, real chips, real, real, real, 4 00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:15,683 and yet these are their spokespeople. 5 00:00:15,716 --> 00:00:17,216 Cartoons. 6 00:00:17,251 --> 00:00:18,691 ( snaps fingers ) 7 00:00:18,719 --> 00:00:21,159 Thom: Holy shit. Midgets? 8 00:00:21,189 --> 00:00:22,159 Do midgets test well? 9 00:00:22,190 --> 00:00:24,390 - Top directors. - Ken Burns. 10 00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:26,225 - Rob Reiner. - Rob Reiner? 11 00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:30,100 We have an opportunity here to do something that resonates. 12 00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:32,331 Think-- think Cassavetes. 13 00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:34,466 Uh, think the Maysle brothers. 14 00:00:34,502 --> 00:00:37,412 - How's Fast Eddie? - His fever's coming down. 15 00:00:37,438 --> 00:00:39,468 We're not out of the woods yet, though, but we're close. 16 00:00:39,507 --> 00:00:40,707 Fast Eddie. 17 00:00:40,741 --> 00:00:42,541 You feeling better, son? 18 00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:44,546 Okay, that-- that's good. 19 00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:47,378 I love it. I love it. Now let's try it again. 20 00:00:47,415 --> 00:00:49,415 46 fucking years I gave that company. 21 00:00:49,450 --> 00:00:52,120 Ernie, Ernie, no one's gonna fire you. 22 00:00:52,153 --> 00:00:53,393 You fucking pussy. 23 00:00:53,421 --> 00:00:54,821 You'll be lucky if they don't fire you. 24 00:00:54,855 --> 00:00:55,785 ( gunshot ) 25 00:01:01,329 --> 00:01:03,359 Thom: It's only for five days. 26 00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:04,697 I'll be back before you know it. 27 00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:07,242 - But why? - Because it's my job. 28 00:01:07,268 --> 00:01:09,138 Because, you know, it's-- I make commercials, 29 00:01:09,170 --> 00:01:11,270 and they make commercials in Los Angeles. 30 00:01:11,305 --> 00:01:13,635 But you were just there. 31 00:01:13,674 --> 00:01:16,244 I know, and I hate going away. 32 00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:18,447 I really do, but it's only for a few days. 33 00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:21,319 Until my friend Gottfrid comes, and he can take over. 34 00:01:21,349 --> 00:01:24,119 But you said Gottfrid was an asshole. 35 00:01:24,152 --> 00:01:26,352 Okay, you don't use language like that. 36 00:01:26,387 --> 00:01:29,357 You know, I used that word once and I shouldn't have. 37 00:01:31,325 --> 00:01:33,725 Hey, I wonder if they have toy stores in Los Angeles. 38 00:01:33,761 --> 00:01:37,131 Well, can you get me a surprise? 39 00:01:37,165 --> 00:01:39,325 Well, that's if they have toy stores in Los Angeles. 40 00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:42,297 - iPad! iPad! iPad! - iPad? Hang on, dude. We-- we talked about this. 41 00:01:42,336 --> 00:01:44,206 You're too young to have an iPad all to yourself. 42 00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:45,768 But Fitzgerald has one. 43 00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:47,736 Does that make him any happier? 44 00:01:47,775 --> 00:01:49,705 Uh, yes? 45 00:01:49,743 --> 00:01:54,183 - ( laughing ) - It does, Dad. 46 00:01:54,215 --> 00:01:55,815 Come on, let's go. 47 00:01:55,849 --> 00:01:57,649 Come on. 48 00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:02,360 Okay. I'm gonna get you something, okay? 49 00:02:02,390 --> 00:02:04,330 If they have toy stores there. 50 00:02:04,358 --> 00:02:06,528 - Dad. - You know something? 51 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,930 I'm gonna miss you so, so much. 52 00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:12,132 - I love you. - I love you, too. 53 00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:15,897 Five days, okay? 54 00:02:15,936 --> 00:02:17,406 Promise? 55 00:02:17,438 --> 00:02:18,868 I promise. 56 00:02:21,775 --> 00:02:23,375 I'll be home soon, buddy. 57 00:02:25,413 --> 00:02:26,413 Okay. 58 00:02:26,447 --> 00:02:28,247 All right. Thank you. 59 00:02:49,637 --> 00:02:52,807 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 60 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,480 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 61 00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:58,409 * If you're happy and you know it, then motherfucking show it * 62 00:02:58,446 --> 00:03:01,276 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your motherfucking hands * 63 00:03:01,315 --> 00:03:05,315 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands! * 64 00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:09,293 Thom: You know who the first marketing genius was? 65 00:03:09,323 --> 00:03:13,693 Jesus Christ, chief marketing officer, God Incorporated. 66 00:03:13,727 --> 00:03:16,557 His big campaign for God? "We'll save you." 67 00:03:16,597 --> 00:03:18,227 Great campaign. Went totally viral. 68 00:03:18,266 --> 00:03:22,466 Jesus was so good that we still use his marketing plan today. 69 00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:24,643 We'll save you from death, 70 00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:27,382 misery, time. 71 00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:30,238 We'll even save your dick. 72 00:03:30,278 --> 00:03:33,378 Jesus Christ himself didn't even claim to save dicks. 73 00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:35,454 We have Mercedes now, God. 74 00:03:35,483 --> 00:03:37,593 We have Porsche convertibles. 75 00:03:37,618 --> 00:03:40,218 We have LA. 76 00:03:47,027 --> 00:03:49,997 In 1963, legendary ad man David Ogilvy 77 00:03:50,030 --> 00:03:53,370 published his "Confessions of an Advertising Man." 78 00:03:55,636 --> 00:03:57,366 Three years later in 1966, 79 00:03:57,405 --> 00:04:00,435 "Time" magazine declared that God was dead. 80 00:04:00,474 --> 00:04:02,544 They were wrong, though. He wasn't dead. 81 00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:04,006 He just went out of business. 82 00:04:04,044 --> 00:04:05,784 Did the client approve Rob's changes to wardrobe? 83 00:04:05,813 --> 00:04:06,883 We sent it to 'em this morning. 84 00:04:06,914 --> 00:04:08,884 What changes to the wardrobe? 85 00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:10,716 - Rob didn't like JJ's pants. - That's not his call. 86 00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:12,621 We're checking with the client, Mikal. Relax. 87 00:04:12,653 --> 00:04:14,793 Anybody got a copy of the script? 88 00:04:24,532 --> 00:04:26,732 Did the client approve Rob's changes to the dialogue? 89 00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:27,737 We sent it to 'em this morning. 90 00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:29,368 What changes to the dialogue? 91 00:04:29,403 --> 00:04:31,373 Rob didn't like JJ's speech about the cookie factory. 92 00:04:31,405 --> 00:04:32,705 It's not his call. 93 00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:34,910 We're checking with the client, Mikal. Relax. 94 00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:37,682 Does anybody have a copy of the script? 95 00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:39,051 Hey. It's me. 96 00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:42,519 It's, uh, 6:30 a.m., "Beverly Hell" time, 97 00:04:42,550 --> 00:04:45,590 which, I guess that means it's 9:30 where you-- 98 00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:46,919 shit, you'll be at school. 99 00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:49,064 I just wanted to say good morning to Jules. 100 00:04:49,089 --> 00:04:51,089 But anyhow, I have my bags, 101 00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:53,434 and I'll go straight to the airport after the shoot. 102 00:04:53,461 --> 00:04:54,401 Call me. Bye. 103 00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:59,470 Hey, thanks for staying. 104 00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,400 Wasn't my choice. 105 00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:02,935 Film looks great. 106 00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:04,970 It's not a film. It's a commercial. 107 00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:07,405 Gottfrid's shitty commercial. 108 00:05:07,441 --> 00:05:09,111 And he should have covered it himself. 109 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:11,082 Well, he's on the last flight out tonight. 110 00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:12,981 He'll be out here while they cut it and you'll be home. 111 00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:15,653 - What time's your flight? - 7:00 p.m. LAX. 112 00:05:15,683 --> 00:05:17,053 - We'll get you there. - Okay. 113 00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:20,124 And, remember, however badly you wanna go, 114 00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:22,923 it's not half as much as we want you gone. 115 00:05:25,426 --> 00:05:28,556 ( birds giggling ) 116 00:05:28,596 --> 00:05:29,926 Hey, you know how much this costs? 117 00:05:29,963 --> 00:05:31,103 Like, a thousand dollars. 118 00:05:31,131 --> 00:05:33,831 Like, $10,000. 119 00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:36,137 - Hey, guess what. - What? 120 00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:38,709 - Guess who's coming home tomorrow. - Who? 121 00:05:38,739 --> 00:05:40,739 - Your dad, you silly. - I know. 122 00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:42,114 Fitzgerald: Hey, you can't play it. 123 00:05:42,142 --> 00:05:44,982 This has a retina display. Did you know that? 124 00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:47,722 It's, like, a million resolutions. 125 00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:49,148 He's been gone a long time, huh? 126 00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:50,652 Fitzgerald: We're a Mac family. 127 00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:51,954 I bet you're not a Mac family. 128 00:05:51,985 --> 00:05:53,545 'Cause we think different. 129 00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:54,787 I bet you don't think different. 130 00:05:54,822 --> 00:05:56,392 Hey, you know what I was thinking? 131 00:05:56,424 --> 00:05:58,994 I was thinking maybe we have a surprise party for him, hmm? 132 00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:01,856 He doesn't get home until the morning, but I thought maybe-- 133 00:06:01,895 --> 00:06:04,695 maybe we could set up for it after school today? 134 00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:06,432 Right? Make a sign? 135 00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:08,797 Maybe you could blow up some balloons? 136 00:06:08,836 --> 00:06:10,666 You think Dad would like it? 137 00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:12,844 - Julius: Okay. - Lee: Okay. 138 00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:14,883 Dude, come here. 139 00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:16,478 I love you. 140 00:06:16,510 --> 00:06:18,450 I love you too, Mom. 141 00:06:20,180 --> 00:06:22,950 Fitzgerald: My dad has one, too. And my mom. 142 00:06:27,521 --> 00:06:29,161 ( chatter ) 143 00:06:29,189 --> 00:06:32,459 - ( sighs ) - Man: Hey, Mr. Reiner. 144 00:06:37,865 --> 00:06:40,065 Man: Last looks are up. 145 00:06:43,203 --> 00:06:44,913 Hey, Lee, it's me. 146 00:06:44,938 --> 00:06:46,538 Um, where are you? 147 00:06:46,574 --> 00:06:50,144 I've been calling you all morning, and, um... 148 00:06:50,177 --> 00:06:51,647 you know, just-- 149 00:06:51,679 --> 00:06:54,919 well, I'm in hell, so call me. 150 00:06:54,948 --> 00:06:56,518 Man: We're losing light, people. 151 00:06:56,550 --> 00:06:58,690 The client doesn't like JJ's delivery. 152 00:06:58,719 --> 00:07:00,619 I know, that's-- I told Reiner. 153 00:07:00,654 --> 00:07:02,664 Debbie: They think he's too miserable. 154 00:07:02,690 --> 00:07:03,760 That's what I just told Reiner. 155 00:07:03,791 --> 00:07:04,861 Go tell him again. 156 00:07:04,892 --> 00:07:05,932 I'm trying not to piss him off. 157 00:07:05,959 --> 00:07:07,899 That was take 15, Thom. 158 00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,858 You're the one who has to be out of here by 5:00. 159 00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:11,897 Man: Roll sound. 160 00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:14,902 - Roll camera. - Ready? And action. 161 00:07:29,517 --> 00:07:30,577 Knock, knock. 162 00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:34,923 Cookie for your thoughts. 163 00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:36,755 JJ: Went to the factory today, Pop. 164 00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:39,090 Cookie Manufacturers International. 165 00:07:39,126 --> 00:07:40,986 You should see the setup they have there-- 166 00:07:41,028 --> 00:07:43,698 robots, machines. 167 00:07:43,731 --> 00:07:46,101 Gonna put us out of business, Pop. I know it. 168 00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:48,573 And after all your hard work, Pop, 169 00:07:48,602 --> 00:07:49,672 it ain't right. 170 00:07:49,703 --> 00:07:51,243 It ain't right, Pop. 171 00:07:51,271 --> 00:07:52,211 Listen to me, JJ. 172 00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:55,709 We have something they can never compete with. 173 00:07:55,743 --> 00:07:57,283 What's that? 174 00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:58,480 Love. 175 00:08:04,885 --> 00:08:06,515 ( spitting ) 176 00:08:07,855 --> 00:08:09,755 Is this a fucking cookie?! 177 00:08:09,790 --> 00:08:11,530 Fuck. 178 00:08:11,559 --> 00:08:14,729 - I'm gluten intolerant, you shit heel! - Man: Cut! 179 00:08:14,762 --> 00:08:16,862 Ernie: How many fucking times have I told you 180 00:08:16,897 --> 00:08:18,297 no actual cookies?! 181 00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:20,071 Man: Props. Where the fuck is props? 182 00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:23,700 Do you know what wheat does to my fucking stom-- oh. 183 00:08:23,737 --> 00:08:25,807 - Oh, God. - ( farting ) 184 00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:27,269 Oh, God. I need a toilet. 185 00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:29,137 Oh, God. 186 00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:30,706 I need a fucking toilet! 187 00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:32,014 ( groans ) 188 00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:33,045 Man: Stand, people. 189 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:36,650 ( groaning ) Wardrobe! 190 00:08:36,684 --> 00:08:37,994 - Wardrobe! - Fuck! 191 00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,148 Red leather, yellow leather. 192 00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:40,146 Red leather, yellow leather. 193 00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:42,117 Brown leather. Aah! 194 00:08:42,155 --> 00:08:45,055 - So it can't be fixed? - Well, it's off warranty. 195 00:08:45,092 --> 00:08:47,062 And by the time you send it back and they fix it, 196 00:08:47,094 --> 00:08:49,604 it's probably cheaper to just get a new one. 197 00:08:49,630 --> 00:08:51,160 Okay, how much is that gonna cost me? 198 00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:52,898 Do you wanna stay with a BlackBerry? 199 00:08:52,933 --> 00:08:54,003 Are you a BlackBerry person? 200 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,574 Am I a BlackBerry person? 201 00:08:55,603 --> 00:08:57,203 No, I'm not a BlackBerry person. 202 00:08:57,237 --> 00:09:00,967 Because, honestly, for the money, I would go with the iPhone. 203 00:09:01,008 --> 00:09:02,138 We're having a special this week-- 204 00:09:02,175 --> 00:09:03,775 Okay. Okay, listen to me. 205 00:09:03,811 --> 00:09:07,011 Are we dating? Have we gone dancing? Gone out to dinner? 206 00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:08,947 No, so don't try to fuck me. 207 00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:10,622 I know all the games. I know the tricks. 208 00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:11,891 So I'm gonna ask you really nicely. 209 00:09:11,919 --> 00:09:13,149 Do not try to fuck me. 210 00:09:13,186 --> 00:09:15,116 I will not try that. 211 00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:17,185 Okay, thank you. Sorry, I'm just-- 212 00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:19,894 - It's stressful. - Yeah, it is. 213 00:09:19,927 --> 00:09:21,927 I know. I go crazy when my phone dies. 214 00:09:21,962 --> 00:09:24,332 - Do you wanna look at the iPhone? - No, I don't want an iPhone. 215 00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:26,604 - They're very popular. - That's why I don't want one. 216 00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:28,144 Okay, well, let's just see what else we have. 217 00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:29,838 - Great. - Okay. 218 00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:38,009 Dour? What does that mean, dour? 219 00:09:38,045 --> 00:09:40,305 It means gloomy, glum, morose. 220 00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:42,017 No, I know what the fucking word-- 221 00:09:42,049 --> 00:09:43,619 He's playing it like it's Shakespeare, Thom. 222 00:09:43,651 --> 00:09:45,291 - They want him less down. - Okay, okay, all right. 223 00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:47,918 His father works day and night. 224 00:09:47,955 --> 00:09:50,315 - He's about to lose his job, so I don't know how happy-- - They're elves. 225 00:09:50,357 --> 00:09:52,127 I thought they wanted it more fucking real! 226 00:09:52,159 --> 00:09:53,359 - That was the whole point of this. - Shh. 227 00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:54,963 Let's go talk to the client, then. 228 00:09:54,995 --> 00:09:56,655 Okay, I need-- that taxi to the airport 229 00:09:56,697 --> 00:09:58,367 - needs to be here in two hours. - Okay, okay. 230 00:09:58,398 --> 00:09:59,828 Come and talk to the client. 231 00:09:59,867 --> 00:10:01,097 - Two fucking hours. - Shh! 232 00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:02,204 Thom: Hey. How you doing? 233 00:10:02,235 --> 00:10:04,705 Good to see you again. 234 00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:07,878 Man: Picture's up. Roll sound. 235 00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:09,178 - Roll camera. - Okay. 236 00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:11,679 - Ready, and-- - Whoa. Whoa, sorry. 237 00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:13,252 - What? What? What? What? - Cut. 238 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:15,780 The client thinks that JJ is a bit too dour. 239 00:10:15,816 --> 00:10:17,946 - Dour? - Down. 240 00:10:17,985 --> 00:10:19,385 I know what "dour" means. 241 00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:22,089 Yeah. I think they just want him up a bit. 242 00:10:23,691 --> 00:10:25,761 His father is about to be laid off. 243 00:10:25,793 --> 00:10:27,133 I know. I explained that. 244 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,330 - He works night and day. - I understand that. 245 00:10:29,362 --> 00:10:32,072 - I have Laker tickets tonight. - Okay, I didn't know that. 246 00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:33,729 Yeah. Are you gonna fuck up my Laker tickets? 247 00:10:33,767 --> 00:10:35,137 - No, Rob. No. - No? 248 00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:37,138 I think you should just lift him-- just make him be up. 249 00:10:37,170 --> 00:10:40,670 - That would solve it. - Yeah? You want him up? 250 00:10:40,708 --> 00:10:42,408 - You tell him. - Rob, you're the director. 251 00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:46,012 Yeah. Yeah. Well, the guy is a fucking asshole. 252 00:10:46,046 --> 00:10:47,876 You want him up, you tell him. 253 00:10:47,915 --> 00:10:49,315 Tell me what, Reiner? 254 00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:51,989 Uh, you know that last take was great... 255 00:10:52,019 --> 00:10:53,749 - Oh, here we go. - No, no, no, no. 256 00:10:53,787 --> 00:10:57,157 I just was thinking that maybe the next time 257 00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:58,430 we try it-- I don't know. 258 00:10:58,458 --> 00:11:02,058 How do you say it? A little bit more up. 259 00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:04,255 My father's getting laid off. 260 00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:06,227 Yeah, we both actually talked about that, 261 00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:07,366 but we-- I-- well, I think-- 262 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,370 No, asshole, you don't think. 263 00:11:09,402 --> 00:11:12,772 I am a classically-trained actor, okay? 264 00:11:12,806 --> 00:11:14,806 You wanna know where I was last week this time? 265 00:11:14,842 --> 00:11:18,712 Off-Broadway playing Willy Loman, that's where. 266 00:11:18,746 --> 00:11:21,046 So I think I know how to play a fuckin' layoff scene. 267 00:11:21,081 --> 00:11:22,221 Fair enough. 268 00:11:22,249 --> 00:11:23,819 But we thought if you-- 269 00:11:23,851 --> 00:11:25,421 instead of playing JJ down, 270 00:11:25,452 --> 00:11:27,222 you're trying to cheer Ernie up. 271 00:11:27,254 --> 00:11:30,324 Who the fuck is directing this piece of shit? 272 00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:33,257 You, pinhead, or that pinhead? 273 00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:34,963 You know what? Don't tell me. 274 00:11:34,995 --> 00:11:36,225 I'm fuckin' out of here. 275 00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:38,203 I knew it! I knew it! 276 00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:40,471 There goes my fuckin' Laker game! 277 00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:42,800 Thank you! 278 00:11:42,836 --> 00:11:44,966 All right, take five. 279 00:11:52,946 --> 00:11:55,846 ( engine revving ) 280 00:11:57,250 --> 00:11:59,220 ( brakes squealing ) 281 00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:00,352 What the fuck is this? 282 00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,357 Keeping up with the Keeblers, baby. 283 00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:04,519 - I love LA. - Both: We love it. 284 00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:06,227 Guys, you've been in LA five days. 285 00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:08,099 You're out of a job. Do you realize that? 286 00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:10,228 Nobody in LA has a job, Thom. 287 00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:13,103 But everybody has great hair and fancy cars. 288 00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:15,503 Besides, we really cleaned up on this deal. 289 00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:17,465 Our agents got us serious cash 290 00:12:17,504 --> 00:12:20,074 for using our likenesses, plus residuals, 291 00:12:20,107 --> 00:12:21,937 payouts, the whole deal! 292 00:12:21,975 --> 00:12:23,135 And this is what you spend it on? 293 00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:25,076 Materialistic bullshit. 294 00:12:25,112 --> 00:12:27,512 Ma, do you-- wait. What are those? 295 00:12:27,547 --> 00:12:29,977 Saline. Under the muscle. 296 00:12:30,017 --> 00:12:33,417 Same doctor who does all the celebrities' boobs. 297 00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:35,793 - Hey, check it out, Thom. - Very nice, JJ. 298 00:12:35,823 --> 00:12:36,923 ( both grunting ) 299 00:12:36,957 --> 00:12:38,557 We got a whole trunk full of 'em. 300 00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,391 ( laughs ) 301 00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,197 Is this the way you wanna be raising your kids? 302 00:12:42,229 --> 00:12:44,129 Happy? Yes. 303 00:12:44,164 --> 00:12:45,534 Does Julius have an iPad? 304 00:12:45,565 --> 00:12:47,525 So that's how you measure happiness, yeah? 305 00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:50,297 I mean, you should be teaching them that happiness can't be bought. 306 00:12:50,337 --> 00:12:54,267 We worked in that tree for 40 years, Thom. 307 00:12:54,307 --> 00:12:56,407 This is the American dream-- 308 00:12:56,443 --> 00:13:00,813 work hard, buy a luxury car, and get some new tits. 309 00:13:00,848 --> 00:13:02,248 Gotta go, Thom. 310 00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:04,152 We're getting spray-tanned before the Lakers game. 311 00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:07,394 Our agents got us court-side seats! 312 00:13:07,420 --> 00:13:09,390 Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! 313 00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,093 ( sighs ) 314 00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:14,525 I gotta get the fuck out of here. 315 00:13:14,561 --> 00:13:17,001 Saleswoman: Let's see what we've got. 316 00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:19,370 We have the silver iPhone 6 317 00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:21,429 with HD retina display, 318 00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:24,538 eight mega pixel eyesight camera and charger 319 00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:27,511 and you got the Verizon "More Everything" plan 320 00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:30,240 with unlimited talk and text on the 4G LTE network, 321 00:13:30,277 --> 00:13:33,107 and you also got the LG Tone wireless headset 322 00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:35,176 with ambient noise reduction. 323 00:13:35,215 --> 00:13:39,585 Oh, hey, do you wanna look at any of the protective cases we have? 324 00:13:42,122 --> 00:13:43,322 Yes. 325 00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:44,926 You really do wanna protect your investment. 326 00:13:44,958 --> 00:13:46,228 I do. 327 00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:48,059 I really do wanna protect my investment. 328 00:13:48,095 --> 00:13:50,595 - Okay. - Okay. 329 00:13:50,630 --> 00:13:52,370 Okay. 330 00:13:55,635 --> 00:13:58,435 Fitzgerald's iPad is so cool. 331 00:13:58,471 --> 00:14:00,341 Julius, you're not getting an iPad. 332 00:14:00,373 --> 00:14:02,113 - I know, Mom. - Okay. 333 00:14:02,142 --> 00:14:06,612 We were playing this game where you're the birds, right? 334 00:14:06,646 --> 00:14:09,876 - And these pigs stole your eggs. - Wow. 335 00:14:09,917 --> 00:14:13,947 And you use your fingers to launch the birds right on the screen. 336 00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:16,557 - Cool. - And there's this other one 337 00:14:16,589 --> 00:14:19,229 - where you can race the pigs on a go-kart... - Really? 338 00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:23,029 ...and when you turn the iPad, that's how you steer. 339 00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:26,203 Dude! This is amazing! 340 00:14:26,233 --> 00:14:28,173 Dad is gonna love this. 341 00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:30,441 Should we put it up? All right. 342 00:14:31,939 --> 00:14:34,309 Nicely done. 343 00:14:34,341 --> 00:14:38,311 So Fitzgerald lets you play his iPad? 344 00:14:38,345 --> 00:14:40,345 No, I was watching Ross play. 345 00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:43,650 - So he let Ross play? - Uh-huh. 346 00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:45,193 Mm. 347 00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:47,088 Did he let any other kids play? 348 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:50,260 Most of the kids. 349 00:14:50,290 --> 00:14:52,190 So he let most of the kids play but not you? 350 00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:53,925 He never lets me play. 351 00:14:53,961 --> 00:14:55,661 Well, you know what? 352 00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:57,425 He's a big jerk. 353 00:15:02,202 --> 00:15:04,142 ( sighs ) 354 00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:05,711 Come here, man. 355 00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:07,268 Look at that. 356 00:15:07,307 --> 00:15:10,137 Look how beautiful that is. 357 00:15:10,177 --> 00:15:11,777 Dad's gonna love it. 358 00:15:15,648 --> 00:15:17,378 Look, let me tell you something. 359 00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:20,687 I love this, and I hate commercials. 360 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:24,490 I hate my whole life making commercials, but I love this. 361 00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:26,694 And let me tell you why. ( clears throat ) 362 00:15:26,726 --> 00:15:29,496 I know it's a bullshit cookie commercial, 363 00:15:29,529 --> 00:15:31,229 but I think it's more than that, 364 00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:34,374 because I believe that Ernie Keebler 365 00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:37,001 is Willy Loman. 366 00:15:37,037 --> 00:15:38,267 Oh, please. 367 00:15:38,305 --> 00:15:40,705 Do you think the factory down the road gives a shit about him? 368 00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:43,740 This whole campaign is-- is-- is-- 369 00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:46,976 uh, is about corporate imperialism. 370 00:15:47,014 --> 00:15:48,584 It's about the ordinary working guy 371 00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:49,745 who's just trying to put some food on the table, 372 00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:51,552 just trying to feed his kids, 373 00:15:51,584 --> 00:15:54,054 but he can't compete with the corporate cartels 374 00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:56,187 who will not be satisfied until they have every last penny, 375 00:15:56,223 --> 00:15:57,223 and that's why I wrote this. 376 00:15:57,257 --> 00:15:58,587 You wrote this piece of shit? 377 00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:00,085 You're damn right I did. 378 00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:02,257 I said to the guys, "No more animated characters. 379 00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:04,095 We need real. I need real. 380 00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:07,071 You know, I need Rob Reiner to direct this 381 00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:12,170 and I need the guy that played Trigorin in 'The Seagull' to play JJ." 382 00:16:15,275 --> 00:16:18,745 You saw me in "The Seagull"? 383 00:16:18,778 --> 00:16:20,348 I'm a Chekov fan. 384 00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:21,710 At the Atlantic? 385 00:16:21,748 --> 00:16:23,518 Yeah. Yeah. I mean, absolutely. 386 00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:25,090 And I shouldn't say this, 387 00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:26,718 'cause you busted my fuckin' ass before, 388 00:16:26,753 --> 00:16:30,093 but, uh, you were all anybody saw in that play. 389 00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:31,663 ( knock at door ) 390 00:16:32,759 --> 00:16:34,389 Thom, your car to the airport's here. 391 00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:36,257 Okay. 392 00:16:36,296 --> 00:16:40,066 Attention must be paid, even to an elf. 393 00:16:41,568 --> 00:16:43,398 Let's do this. 394 00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:46,706 Okay. Okay. 395 00:16:46,739 --> 00:16:48,639 Don't say goodbye to Reiner for me. 396 00:16:48,675 --> 00:16:50,635 I won't even say goodbye for me. 397 00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:53,507 Oh, thanks for the Chekov "Seagull" thing. He totally bought it. 398 00:16:53,546 --> 00:16:55,716 - You can't go, Thom. - Can't go where? 399 00:16:55,748 --> 00:16:58,318 - I'm sorry, Thom. That was Lorna. - Don't start with me, Deb. 400 00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:01,251 It's one wide and a couple of close-ups. Reiner can handle it. 401 00:17:01,288 --> 00:17:03,258 Flight's in two hours. That's plenty of time. 402 00:17:03,290 --> 00:17:05,730 It's not about the flight, Thom. It's Gottfrid. 403 00:17:08,161 --> 00:17:11,661 He's got a dinner tonight at the advertising club and another one tomorrow. 404 00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:13,398 He wants you to cover the edit. 405 00:17:13,433 --> 00:17:15,303 Said he'd be out here first thing next week. 406 00:17:15,335 --> 00:17:16,595 - No. - I'm sorry, Thom. 407 00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:17,796 I know you wanna get home to your-- 408 00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:19,407 You don't know-- what the fuck do you-- 409 00:17:19,439 --> 00:17:20,769 Hey, you guys. I'm gonna split. 410 00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:22,377 You know, I got the Laker tickets. 411 00:17:22,409 --> 00:17:24,379 But you're okay. You got JJ up in the tree. 412 00:17:24,411 --> 00:17:27,411 - Uh-huh. - You got a wide shot and a couple of close-ups. 413 00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:29,647 Charlie should be able to handle it, okay? 414 00:17:29,682 --> 00:17:30,582 Bye. 415 00:17:31,751 --> 00:17:33,291 - We're not done. - Debbie: Thom. 416 00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:34,590 - What? - We're not done. 417 00:17:34,621 --> 00:17:36,121 You don't leave until we're done. 418 00:17:36,156 --> 00:17:39,526 But you got just a wide shot and some close-ups. 419 00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:41,089 Yeah, Charlie can handle that, Thom. 420 00:17:41,128 --> 00:17:42,758 Get back there and finish the job. 421 00:17:44,797 --> 00:17:46,667 Do you know who you're talking to? 422 00:17:46,699 --> 00:17:48,569 I'm talking to the director of this goddamn commercial, 423 00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:50,501 the one that's being paid $30,000 a day. 424 00:17:50,537 --> 00:17:51,837 The one who's gonna get his fat ass back there 425 00:17:51,871 --> 00:17:53,511 and finish the fuckin' job! 426 00:17:53,540 --> 00:17:55,180 Fuck you, Thom. 427 00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:58,478 You don't wanna be here any more than I do. 428 00:17:58,511 --> 00:18:00,451 Thom, what is the failed dream, huh? 429 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:03,720 What is it? It's a screenplay, a novel? 430 00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:07,190 You go write that, get off my fuckin' back, 431 00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:10,760 and stop acting like this shit matters, hmm? 432 00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:16,304 ( car door opens, closes ) 433 00:18:16,329 --> 00:18:18,229 ( engine starts ) 434 00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:27,865 - Lee: Hey. This day. - Finally. 435 00:18:27,907 --> 00:18:30,277 I've tried you a dozen fucking times. 436 00:18:30,310 --> 00:18:31,740 Oh, Jesus. People. 437 00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:33,378 Oh, I was at the phone store. 438 00:18:33,413 --> 00:18:35,383 - My phone died. - All day? 439 00:18:35,415 --> 00:18:36,875 Your phone's been dead all day? 440 00:18:36,916 --> 00:18:38,746 Where were you? Were you at the studio? 441 00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:40,615 No, I was at the phone store, Thom. 442 00:18:40,653 --> 00:18:42,363 Well, I wasn't at my studio. 443 00:18:42,389 --> 00:18:44,719 I don't have a studio, 'cause all I have is work! 444 00:18:44,757 --> 00:18:46,757 I'm gonna die here alone in a hotel room 445 00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:49,503 surrounded by bulimic assholes 446 00:18:49,529 --> 00:18:52,699 and fucking Keebler cookie scripts. 447 00:18:52,732 --> 00:18:55,242 What's wrong with you, Thom? What's-- where are you? 448 00:18:55,268 --> 00:18:57,498 I'm at the hotel. I'm at the fucking hotel. 449 00:18:57,537 --> 00:18:59,167 That's where I am. 450 00:18:59,206 --> 00:19:00,636 Thom. 451 00:19:00,673 --> 00:19:02,143 I'm not coming home. 452 00:19:03,243 --> 00:19:04,513 Is it Gottfrid? 453 00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:06,284 He's sucking some ad dick in New York 454 00:19:06,313 --> 00:19:09,383 and I've gotta stay here till-- till next week. 455 00:19:09,416 --> 00:19:11,246 ( footsteps ) 456 00:19:11,284 --> 00:19:12,654 Lee: Ugh. 457 00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:14,645 - Hey. - Let me talk to Jules. 458 00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:15,957 I'll-- I can tell him. 459 00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:19,288 No, no, I'll tell him. I'll tell him. 460 00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:20,926 Okay. It's your daddy. 461 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,500 Hi, Daddy. Are you on the plane? 462 00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:25,530 No, I'm not, buddy. 463 00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:27,695 - How come? - I'm so sorry. 464 00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:30,844 I'm still here. They-- I can't get home. 465 00:19:30,870 --> 00:19:33,670 I've got to do my job and they won't let me 466 00:19:33,706 --> 00:19:35,836 go home right away till I finish, yeah? 467 00:19:35,875 --> 00:19:37,535 But I'm gonna be home next week, 468 00:19:37,577 --> 00:19:41,547 and, uh, so, you know, I'll see you then, okay? 469 00:19:41,581 --> 00:19:43,781 I'm-- I'm really sorry, buddy. 470 00:19:44,984 --> 00:19:46,354 Jules? 471 00:19:46,386 --> 00:19:48,286 Jules? 472 00:19:48,321 --> 00:19:50,321 ( phone clatters ) 473 00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:03,004 Fuck! 474 00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:05,635 Hey, it's okay to be angry, buddy. 475 00:20:05,672 --> 00:20:08,682 I'm not angry. 476 00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:11,308 Everybody gets angry. 477 00:20:11,344 --> 00:20:14,784 You know, I bet your dad threw his phone down, too. 478 00:20:14,814 --> 00:20:17,724 - ( dog whines ) - Hey, you know what? 479 00:20:17,750 --> 00:20:20,390 I bet if you close your eyes, 480 00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:24,590 pictured your daddy coming home and giving you a big, big hug, 481 00:20:24,624 --> 00:20:26,464 it'd make you feel so much better. 482 00:20:26,493 --> 00:20:30,433 - Mm-mm. - No? Hmm. 483 00:20:30,463 --> 00:20:33,033 What if you closed your eyes 484 00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:37,365 and pictured Gottfrid getting hit by a truck? 485 00:20:37,404 --> 00:20:39,674 - ( laughs ) - Would that make you feel better? 486 00:20:39,706 --> 00:20:42,706 - No. - Oh, really? 487 00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:44,712 What if you closed your eyes 488 00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:48,784 and pictured Gottfrid opening his office window 489 00:20:48,815 --> 00:20:54,015 and falling all the way down? 490 00:20:54,053 --> 00:20:55,323 Splat! 491 00:20:55,355 --> 00:20:56,755 - Uh, no. - No? 492 00:20:56,789 --> 00:21:00,829 All the way down! And splat. 493 00:21:03,496 --> 00:21:04,756 Let's go make some brownies. 494 00:21:04,797 --> 00:21:06,597 Come on. Whoa! 495 00:21:06,633 --> 00:21:07,973 All right, then. 496 00:21:20,380 --> 00:21:23,380 Hey, Thom. I'm just stopping by for a pre-game drink. 497 00:21:23,416 --> 00:21:24,976 - How'd the shoot go? - Film looks great. 498 00:21:25,017 --> 00:21:28,047 - Director's a piece of shit. - Sounds great. 499 00:21:32,091 --> 00:21:33,561 Ernie? 500 00:21:36,596 --> 00:21:38,796 Ernie! 501 00:21:38,831 --> 00:21:41,371 Ernie! Ernie! 502 00:21:42,702 --> 00:21:45,342 Ernie! Ernie. 503 00:21:46,639 --> 00:21:48,339 Ernie. 504 00:21:48,375 --> 00:21:49,805 ( groans ) 505 00:21:49,842 --> 00:21:51,982 - Ernie! - ( groans ) 506 00:21:52,011 --> 00:21:53,551 What are you doing? Let go! 507 00:21:53,580 --> 00:21:55,350 I don't want to leave, Thom. 508 00:21:55,382 --> 00:21:57,352 I've never been happier. 509 00:21:57,384 --> 00:21:58,724 But what about Ma? 510 00:21:58,751 --> 00:22:00,821 What about the children, the boys? 511 00:22:00,853 --> 00:22:03,123 Yeah, it's something, isn't it? 512 00:22:03,155 --> 00:22:04,785 Just a bunch of elves. 513 00:22:04,824 --> 00:22:07,664 And here we are in a Rolls. 514 00:22:07,694 --> 00:22:09,634 We made it, Thom. 515 00:22:09,662 --> 00:22:12,332 We made it. 516 00:22:21,641 --> 00:22:23,441 - Hey. - Yeah. 517 00:22:23,476 --> 00:22:25,446 - Hundred bucks if you let me piss on it. - ( laughs ) 518 00:22:25,478 --> 00:22:27,908 Seriously. You'll feel better. I'll feel better. 519 00:22:27,947 --> 00:22:30,017 - ( scoffs ) - Hundred bucks. Right now. 520 00:22:30,049 --> 00:22:31,819 500. 521 00:23:16,863 --> 00:23:19,173 ( urinating ) 522 00:23:45,257 --> 00:23:48,127 Thom: It's not LA. I know that. 523 00:23:51,698 --> 00:23:54,528 It's us. 524 00:23:54,567 --> 00:23:56,997 We're just looking for some relief. 525 00:23:57,036 --> 00:23:59,636 We're just looking for a new religion. 526 00:23:59,672 --> 00:24:01,772 ( choir singing ) 527 00:24:06,679 --> 00:24:09,049 And so I enter, head bowed, 528 00:24:09,081 --> 00:24:11,621 to the church of America, 529 00:24:11,651 --> 00:24:14,821 where the faithful raise up their voices as one 530 00:24:14,854 --> 00:24:17,864 in a song of thanks and cheer. 531 00:24:17,890 --> 00:24:20,230 And not a dour face among them, 532 00:24:20,259 --> 00:24:24,059 for behold, the iPhone 6 Plus has appeared, 533 00:24:24,096 --> 00:24:28,936 and lo, the screen size is much greater than before. 534 00:24:28,968 --> 00:24:30,898 Man: Okay, so that's one iPhone 6 Plus, 535 00:24:30,937 --> 00:24:33,137 128 gigs, mobile package, 536 00:24:33,172 --> 00:24:35,512 and from the looks of your last phone, 537 00:24:35,542 --> 00:24:38,682 you'll definitely want the additional two years of damage coverage. 538 00:24:38,711 --> 00:24:41,281 And then we have the iPad Mini 3 for your son, 539 00:24:41,313 --> 00:24:43,753 and that's 64 gigs with retina display, 540 00:24:43,783 --> 00:24:45,593 Wi-Fi and cellular. 541 00:24:45,618 --> 00:24:46,748 Since he's young, 542 00:24:46,786 --> 00:24:49,516 I would recommend getting a protector for it. 543 00:24:49,556 --> 00:24:51,586 - Uh-- - Would you like to get a protector today? 544 00:24:51,624 --> 00:24:53,264 Yes. 545 00:24:53,292 --> 00:24:55,602 I'd like to get a protector today. 546 00:24:55,628 --> 00:24:57,298 Great. 547 00:24:57,329 --> 00:25:02,029 Thom: And let us say, "Amen." 548 00:25:02,068 --> 00:25:04,198 ( bell tolling ) 549 00:25:04,236 --> 00:25:07,166 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 550 00:25:07,206 --> 00:25:09,736 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 551 00:25:09,776 --> 00:25:12,606 * If you're happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it * 552 00:25:12,645 --> 00:25:15,275 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 553 00:25:15,314 --> 00:25:17,954 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 554 00:25:17,984 --> 00:25:20,824 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 555 00:25:20,853 --> 00:25:23,723 * If you're happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it * 556 00:25:23,756 --> 00:25:26,256 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 557 00:25:26,292 --> 00:25:28,962 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 558 00:25:28,995 --> 00:25:31,755 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 559 00:25:31,798 --> 00:25:34,668 * If you're happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it * 560 00:25:34,701 --> 00:25:37,271 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 561 00:25:37,303 --> 00:25:39,973 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 562 00:25:40,006 --> 00:25:42,836 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands * 563 00:25:42,875 --> 00:25:45,645 * If you're happy and you know it, then motherfucking show it * 564 00:25:45,678 --> 00:25:48,108 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your motherfucking hands * 565 00:25:48,147 --> 00:25:50,977 * If you're happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it * 566 00:25:51,017 --> 00:25:54,787 * If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands! * 41772

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