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1
00:00:07,141 --> 00:00:09,211
Thom:
Previously on "Happyish"...
2
00:00:09,243 --> 00:00:10,713
Keebler talks about real.
3
00:00:10,744 --> 00:00:12,784
Real ingredients, real chips,
real, real, real,
4
00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:15,683
and yet these
are their spokespeople.
5
00:00:15,716 --> 00:00:17,216
Cartoons.
6
00:00:17,251 --> 00:00:18,691
( snaps fingers )
7
00:00:18,719 --> 00:00:21,159
Thom:
Holy shit. Midgets?
8
00:00:21,189 --> 00:00:22,159
Do midgets test well?
9
00:00:22,190 --> 00:00:24,390
- Top directors.
- Ken Burns.
10
00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:26,225
- Rob Reiner.
- Rob Reiner?
11
00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:30,100
We have an opportunity here
to do something that resonates.
12
00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:32,331
Think-- think Cassavetes.
13
00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:34,466
Uh, think
the Maysle brothers.
14
00:00:34,502 --> 00:00:37,412
- How's Fast Eddie?
- His fever's coming down.
15
00:00:37,438 --> 00:00:39,468
We're not out
of the woods yet,
though, but we're close.
16
00:00:39,507 --> 00:00:40,707
Fast Eddie.
17
00:00:40,741 --> 00:00:42,541
You feeling
better, son?
18
00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:44,546
Okay, that-- that's good.
19
00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:47,378
I love it. I love it.
Now let's try it again.
20
00:00:47,415 --> 00:00:49,415
46 fucking years
I gave that company.
21
00:00:49,450 --> 00:00:52,120
Ernie, Ernie,
no one's gonna fire you.
22
00:00:52,153 --> 00:00:53,393
You fucking pussy.
23
00:00:53,421 --> 00:00:54,821
You'll be lucky
if they don't fire you.
24
00:00:54,855 --> 00:00:55,785
( gunshot )
25
00:01:01,329 --> 00:01:03,359
Thom:
It's only for five days.
26
00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:04,697
I'll be back
before you know it.
27
00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:07,242
- But why?
- Because it's my job.
28
00:01:07,268 --> 00:01:09,138
Because, you know, it's--
I make commercials,
29
00:01:09,170 --> 00:01:11,270
and they make commercials
in Los Angeles.
30
00:01:11,305 --> 00:01:13,635
But you were just there.
31
00:01:13,674 --> 00:01:16,244
I know, and I hate
going away.
32
00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:18,447
I really do,
but it's only
for a few days.
33
00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:21,319
Until my friend
Gottfrid comes,
and he can take over.
34
00:01:21,349 --> 00:01:24,119
But you said
Gottfrid was an asshole.
35
00:01:24,152 --> 00:01:26,352
Okay, you don't use
language like that.
36
00:01:26,387 --> 00:01:29,357
You know,
I used that word once
and I shouldn't have.
37
00:01:31,325 --> 00:01:33,725
Hey, I wonder if they have
toy stores in Los Angeles.
38
00:01:33,761 --> 00:01:37,131
Well, can you get me
a surprise?
39
00:01:37,165 --> 00:01:39,325
Well, that's if they have
toy stores in Los Angeles.
40
00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:42,297
- iPad! iPad! iPad!
- iPad? Hang on, dude.
We-- we talked about this.
41
00:01:42,336 --> 00:01:44,206
You're too young to have
an iPad all to yourself.
42
00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:45,768
But Fitzgerald has one.
43
00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:47,736
Does that make him
any happier?
44
00:01:47,775 --> 00:01:49,705
Uh, yes?
45
00:01:49,743 --> 00:01:54,183
- ( laughing )
- It does, Dad.
46
00:01:54,215 --> 00:01:55,815
Come on, let's go.
47
00:01:55,849 --> 00:01:57,649
Come on.
48
00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:02,360
Okay. I'm gonna
get you something, okay?
49
00:02:02,390 --> 00:02:04,330
If they have
toy stores there.
50
00:02:04,358 --> 00:02:06,528
- Dad.
- You know something?
51
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,930
I'm gonna miss you
so, so much.
52
00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:12,132
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
53
00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:15,897
Five days, okay?
54
00:02:15,936 --> 00:02:17,406
Promise?
55
00:02:17,438 --> 00:02:18,868
I promise.
56
00:02:21,775 --> 00:02:23,375
I'll be home soon, buddy.
57
00:02:25,413 --> 00:02:26,413
Okay.
58
00:02:26,447 --> 00:02:28,247
All right.
Thank you.
59
00:02:49,637 --> 00:02:52,807
* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *
60
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,480
* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *
61
00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:58,409
* If you're
happy and you know it,
then motherfucking show it *
62
00:02:58,446 --> 00:03:01,276
* If you're happy
and you know it, clap your
motherfucking hands *
63
00:03:01,315 --> 00:03:05,315
* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands! *
64
00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:09,293
Thom:
You know who the first
marketing genius was?
65
00:03:09,323 --> 00:03:13,693
Jesus Christ,
chief marketing officer,
God Incorporated.
66
00:03:13,727 --> 00:03:16,557
His big campaign for God?
"We'll save you."
67
00:03:16,597 --> 00:03:18,227
Great campaign.
Went totally viral.
68
00:03:18,266 --> 00:03:22,466
Jesus was so good
that we still use
his marketing plan today.
69
00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:24,643
We'll save you
from death,
70
00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:27,382
misery, time.
71
00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:30,238
We'll even save
your dick.
72
00:03:30,278 --> 00:03:33,378
Jesus Christ himself didn't
even claim to save dicks.
73
00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:35,454
We have Mercedes now, God.
74
00:03:35,483 --> 00:03:37,593
We have
Porsche convertibles.
75
00:03:37,618 --> 00:03:40,218
We have LA.
76
00:03:47,027 --> 00:03:49,997
In 1963, legendary ad man
David Ogilvy
77
00:03:50,030 --> 00:03:53,370
published his "Confessions
of an Advertising Man."
78
00:03:55,636 --> 00:03:57,366
Three years later
in 1966,
79
00:03:57,405 --> 00:04:00,435
"Time" magazine declared
that God was dead.
80
00:04:00,474 --> 00:04:02,544
They were wrong, though.
He wasn't dead.
81
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:04,006
He just went
out of business.
82
00:04:04,044 --> 00:04:05,784
Did the client approve
Rob's changes to wardrobe?
83
00:04:05,813 --> 00:04:06,883
We sent it to 'em
this morning.
84
00:04:06,914 --> 00:04:08,884
What changes
to the wardrobe?
85
00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:10,716
- Rob didn't like JJ's pants.
- That's not his call.
86
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:12,621
We're checking with
the client, Mikal.
Relax.
87
00:04:12,653 --> 00:04:14,793
Anybody got a copy
of the script?
88
00:04:24,532 --> 00:04:26,732
Did the client approve
Rob's changes to the dialogue?
89
00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:27,737
We sent it to 'em
this morning.
90
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:29,368
What changes
to the dialogue?
91
00:04:29,403 --> 00:04:31,373
Rob didn't like JJ's speech
about the cookie factory.
92
00:04:31,405 --> 00:04:32,705
It's not his call.
93
00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:34,910
We're checking with
the client, Mikal.
Relax.
94
00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:37,682
Does anybody have
a copy of the script?
95
00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:39,051
Hey. It's me.
96
00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:42,519
It's, uh, 6:30 a.m.,
"Beverly Hell" time,
97
00:04:42,550 --> 00:04:45,590
which, I guess that means
it's 9:30 where you--
98
00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:46,919
shit, you'll be
at school.
99
00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:49,064
I just wanted to say
good morning to Jules.
100
00:04:49,089 --> 00:04:51,089
But anyhow,
I have my bags,
101
00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:53,434
and I'll go straight
to the airport after the shoot.
102
00:04:53,461 --> 00:04:54,401
Call me. Bye.
103
00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:59,470
Hey,
thanks for staying.
104
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,400
Wasn't my choice.
105
00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:02,935
Film looks great.
106
00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:04,970
It's not a film.
It's a commercial.
107
00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:07,405
Gottfrid's shitty commercial.
108
00:05:07,441 --> 00:05:09,111
And he should have
covered it himself.
109
00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:11,082
Well, he's on the last
flight out tonight.
110
00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:12,981
He'll be out here
while they cut it
and you'll be home.
111
00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:15,653
- What time's your flight?
- 7:00 p.m. LAX.
112
00:05:15,683 --> 00:05:17,053
- We'll get you there.
- Okay.
113
00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:20,124
And, remember,
however badly
you wanna go,
114
00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:22,923
it's not half as much
as we want you gone.
115
00:05:25,426 --> 00:05:28,556
( birds giggling )
116
00:05:28,596 --> 00:05:29,926
Hey, you know
how much this costs?
117
00:05:29,963 --> 00:05:31,103
Like, a thousand dollars.
118
00:05:31,131 --> 00:05:33,831
Like, $10,000.
119
00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:36,137
- Hey, guess what.
- What?
120
00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:38,709
- Guess who's coming
home tomorrow.
- Who?
121
00:05:38,739 --> 00:05:40,739
- Your dad, you silly.
- I know.
122
00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:42,114
Fitzgerald:
Hey, you can't play it.
123
00:05:42,142 --> 00:05:44,982
This has a retina display.
Did you know that?
124
00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:47,722
It's, like,
a million resolutions.
125
00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:49,148
He's been gone
a long time, huh?
126
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:50,652
Fitzgerald:
We're a Mac family.
127
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:51,954
I bet you're not
a Mac family.
128
00:05:51,985 --> 00:05:53,545
'Cause we think
different.
129
00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:54,787
I bet you don't
think different.
130
00:05:54,822 --> 00:05:56,392
Hey, you know
what I was thinking?
131
00:05:56,424 --> 00:05:58,994
I was thinking maybe we have
a surprise party for him, hmm?
132
00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:01,856
He doesn't get
home until the morning,
but I thought maybe--
133
00:06:01,895 --> 00:06:04,695
maybe we could set up for it
after school today?
134
00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:06,432
Right?
Make a sign?
135
00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:08,797
Maybe you could
blow up some balloons?
136
00:06:08,836 --> 00:06:10,666
You think Dad
would like it?
137
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:12,844
- Julius: Okay.
- Lee: Okay.
138
00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:14,883
Dude, come here.
139
00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:16,478
I love you.
140
00:06:16,510 --> 00:06:18,450
I love you too, Mom.
141
00:06:20,180 --> 00:06:22,950
Fitzgerald:
My dad has one, too.
And my mom.
142
00:06:27,521 --> 00:06:29,161
( chatter )
143
00:06:29,189 --> 00:06:32,459
- ( sighs )
- Man: Hey, Mr. Reiner.
144
00:06:37,865 --> 00:06:40,065
Man:
Last looks are up.
145
00:06:43,203 --> 00:06:44,913
Hey, Lee, it's me.
146
00:06:44,938 --> 00:06:46,538
Um, where are you?
147
00:06:46,574 --> 00:06:50,144
I've been calling you
all morning, and, um...
148
00:06:50,177 --> 00:06:51,647
you know, just--
149
00:06:51,679 --> 00:06:54,919
well, I'm in hell,
so call me.
150
00:06:54,948 --> 00:06:56,518
Man:
We're losing light, people.
151
00:06:56,550 --> 00:06:58,690
The client doesn't
like JJ's delivery.
152
00:06:58,719 --> 00:07:00,619
I know, that's--
I told Reiner.
153
00:07:00,654 --> 00:07:02,664
Debbie:
They think
he's too miserable.
154
00:07:02,690 --> 00:07:03,760
That's what
I just told Reiner.
155
00:07:03,791 --> 00:07:04,861
Go tell him again.
156
00:07:04,892 --> 00:07:05,932
I'm trying
not to piss him off.
157
00:07:05,959 --> 00:07:07,899
That was
take 15, Thom.
158
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,858
You're the one who has
to be out of here by 5:00.
159
00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:11,897
Man:
Roll sound.
160
00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:14,902
- Roll camera.
- Ready? And action.
161
00:07:29,517 --> 00:07:30,577
Knock, knock.
162
00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:34,923
Cookie for your thoughts.
163
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:36,755
JJ:
Went to the factory
today, Pop.
164
00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:39,090
Cookie Manufacturers
International.
165
00:07:39,126 --> 00:07:40,986
You should see the setup
they have there--
166
00:07:41,028 --> 00:07:43,698
robots, machines.
167
00:07:43,731 --> 00:07:46,101
Gonna put us
out of business, Pop.
I know it.
168
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:48,573
And after all
your hard work, Pop,
169
00:07:48,602 --> 00:07:49,672
it ain't right.
170
00:07:49,703 --> 00:07:51,243
It ain't right, Pop.
171
00:07:51,271 --> 00:07:52,211
Listen to me, JJ.
172
00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:55,709
We have something
they can never compete with.
173
00:07:55,743 --> 00:07:57,283
What's that?
174
00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:58,480
Love.
175
00:08:04,885 --> 00:08:06,515
( spitting )
176
00:08:07,855 --> 00:08:09,755
Is this a fucking cookie?!
177
00:08:09,790 --> 00:08:11,530
Fuck.
178
00:08:11,559 --> 00:08:14,729
- I'm gluten intolerant,
you shit heel!
- Man: Cut!
179
00:08:14,762 --> 00:08:16,862
Ernie:
How many fucking times
have I told you
180
00:08:16,897 --> 00:08:18,297
no actual cookies?!
181
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:20,071
Man: Props.
Where the fuck is props?
182
00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:23,700
Do you know what wheat does
to my fucking stom-- oh.
183
00:08:23,737 --> 00:08:25,807
- Oh, God.
- ( farting )
184
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:27,269
Oh, God.
I need a toilet.
185
00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:29,137
Oh, God.
186
00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:30,706
I need a fucking toilet!
187
00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:32,014
( groans )
188
00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:33,045
Man:
Stand, people.
189
00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:36,650
( groaning )
Wardrobe!
190
00:08:36,684 --> 00:08:37,994
- Wardrobe!
- Fuck!
191
00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,148
Red leather,
yellow leather.
192
00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:40,146
Red leather,
yellow leather.
193
00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:42,117
Brown leather.
Aah!
194
00:08:42,155 --> 00:08:45,055
- So it can't be fixed?
- Well, it's off warranty.
195
00:08:45,092 --> 00:08:47,062
And by the time
you send it back
and they fix it,
196
00:08:47,094 --> 00:08:49,604
it's probably cheaper
to just get a new one.
197
00:08:49,630 --> 00:08:51,160
Okay, how much
is that gonna cost me?
198
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:52,898
Do you wanna stay
with a BlackBerry?
199
00:08:52,933 --> 00:08:54,003
Are you
a BlackBerry person?
200
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,574
Am I a BlackBerry
person?
201
00:08:55,603 --> 00:08:57,203
No, I'm not
a BlackBerry person.
202
00:08:57,237 --> 00:09:00,967
Because, honestly,
for the money, I would
go with the iPhone.
203
00:09:01,008 --> 00:09:02,138
We're having
a special this week--
204
00:09:02,175 --> 00:09:03,775
Okay.
Okay, listen to me.
205
00:09:03,811 --> 00:09:07,011
Are we dating?
Have we gone dancing?
Gone out to dinner?
206
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:08,947
No, so don't try
to fuck me.
207
00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:10,622
I know all the games.
I know the tricks.
208
00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:11,891
So I'm gonna ask you
really nicely.
209
00:09:11,919 --> 00:09:13,149
Do not try to fuck me.
210
00:09:13,186 --> 00:09:15,116
I will not try that.
211
00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:17,185
Okay, thank you.
Sorry, I'm just--
212
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:19,894
- It's stressful.
- Yeah, it is.
213
00:09:19,927 --> 00:09:21,927
I know. I go crazy
when my phone dies.
214
00:09:21,962 --> 00:09:24,332
- Do you wanna
look at the iPhone?
- No, I don't want an iPhone.
215
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:26,604
- They're very popular.
- That's why I don't want one.
216
00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:28,144
Okay, well, let's just see
what else we have.
217
00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:29,838
- Great.
- Okay.
218
00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:38,009
Dour?
What does that mean, dour?
219
00:09:38,045 --> 00:09:40,305
It means gloomy,
glum, morose.
220
00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:42,017
No, I know what
the fucking word--
221
00:09:42,049 --> 00:09:43,619
He's playing it like
it's Shakespeare, Thom.
222
00:09:43,651 --> 00:09:45,291
- They want him less down.
- Okay, okay, all right.
223
00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:47,918
His father works
day and night.
224
00:09:47,955 --> 00:09:50,315
- He's about to lose his job,
so I don't know how happy--
- They're elves.
225
00:09:50,357 --> 00:09:52,127
I thought they wanted it
more fucking real!
226
00:09:52,159 --> 00:09:53,359
- That was the whole point
of this.
- Shh.
227
00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:54,963
Let's go talk
to the client, then.
228
00:09:54,995 --> 00:09:56,655
Okay, I need--
that taxi to the airport
229
00:09:56,697 --> 00:09:58,367
- needs to be here
in two hours.
- Okay, okay.
230
00:09:58,398 --> 00:09:59,828
Come and talk
to the client.
231
00:09:59,867 --> 00:10:01,097
- Two fucking hours.
- Shh!
232
00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:02,204
Thom: Hey.
How you doing?
233
00:10:02,235 --> 00:10:04,705
Good to see you
again.
234
00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:07,878
Man:
Picture's up.
Roll sound.
235
00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:09,178
- Roll camera.
- Okay.
236
00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:11,679
- Ready, and--
- Whoa. Whoa, sorry.
237
00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:13,252
- What? What?
What? What?
- Cut.
238
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:15,780
The client thinks
that JJ is a bit too dour.
239
00:10:15,816 --> 00:10:17,946
- Dour?
- Down.
240
00:10:17,985 --> 00:10:19,385
I know
what "dour" means.
241
00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:22,089
Yeah. I think they
just want him up a bit.
242
00:10:23,691 --> 00:10:25,761
His father is about
to be laid off.
243
00:10:25,793 --> 00:10:27,133
I know.
I explained that.
244
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,330
- He works night and day.
- I understand that.
245
00:10:29,362 --> 00:10:32,072
- I have Laker tickets tonight.
- Okay, I didn't know that.
246
00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:33,729
Yeah. Are you gonna
fuck up my Laker tickets?
247
00:10:33,767 --> 00:10:35,137
- No, Rob. No.
- No?
248
00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:37,138
I think
you should just lift him--
just make him be up.
249
00:10:37,170 --> 00:10:40,670
- That would solve it.
- Yeah? You want him up?
250
00:10:40,708 --> 00:10:42,408
- You tell him.
- Rob, you're the director.
251
00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:46,012
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, the guy
is a fucking asshole.
252
00:10:46,046 --> 00:10:47,876
You want him up,
you tell him.
253
00:10:47,915 --> 00:10:49,315
Tell me what, Reiner?
254
00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:51,989
Uh, you know
that last take
was great...
255
00:10:52,019 --> 00:10:53,749
- Oh, here we go.
- No, no, no, no.
256
00:10:53,787 --> 00:10:57,157
I just was thinking
that maybe the next time
257
00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:58,430
we try it--
I don't know.
258
00:10:58,458 --> 00:11:02,058
How do you say it?
A little bit more up.
259
00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:04,255
My father's
getting laid off.
260
00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:06,227
Yeah, we both actually
talked about that,
261
00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:07,366
but we-- I--
well, I think--
262
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,370
No, asshole,
you don't think.
263
00:11:09,402 --> 00:11:12,772
I am a classically-trained
actor, okay?
264
00:11:12,806 --> 00:11:14,806
You wanna know where I was
last week this time?
265
00:11:14,842 --> 00:11:18,712
Off-Broadway
playing Willy Loman,
that's where.
266
00:11:18,746 --> 00:11:21,046
So I think
I know how to play
a fuckin' layoff scene.
267
00:11:21,081 --> 00:11:22,221
Fair enough.
268
00:11:22,249 --> 00:11:23,819
But we thought if you--
269
00:11:23,851 --> 00:11:25,421
instead of playing JJ down,
270
00:11:25,452 --> 00:11:27,222
you're trying
to cheer Ernie up.
271
00:11:27,254 --> 00:11:30,324
Who the fuck is directing
this piece of shit?
272
00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:33,257
You, pinhead,
or that pinhead?
273
00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:34,963
You know what?
Don't tell me.
274
00:11:34,995 --> 00:11:36,225
I'm fuckin' out of here.
275
00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:38,203
I knew it!
I knew it!
276
00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:40,471
There goes
my fuckin' Laker game!
277
00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:42,800
Thank you!
278
00:11:42,836 --> 00:11:44,966
All right,
take five.
279
00:11:52,946 --> 00:11:55,846
( engine revving )
280
00:11:57,250 --> 00:11:59,220
( brakes squealing )
281
00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:00,352
What the fuck is this?
282
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,357
Keeping up
with the Keeblers, baby.
283
00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:04,519
- I love LA.
- Both: We love it.
284
00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:06,227
Guys, you've been
in LA five days.
285
00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:08,099
You're out of a job.
Do you realize that?
286
00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:10,228
Nobody in LA
has a job, Thom.
287
00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:13,103
But everybody has
great hair and fancy cars.
288
00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:15,503
Besides, we really
cleaned up on this deal.
289
00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:17,465
Our agents got us
serious cash
290
00:12:17,504 --> 00:12:20,074
for using our likenesses,
plus residuals,
291
00:12:20,107 --> 00:12:21,937
payouts,
the whole deal!
292
00:12:21,975 --> 00:12:23,135
And this is what
you spend it on?
293
00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:25,076
Materialistic bullshit.
294
00:12:25,112 --> 00:12:27,512
Ma, do you-- wait.
What are those?
295
00:12:27,547 --> 00:12:29,977
Saline.
Under the muscle.
296
00:12:30,017 --> 00:12:33,417
Same doctor who does
all the celebrities' boobs.
297
00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:35,793
- Hey, check it out, Thom.
- Very nice, JJ.
298
00:12:35,823 --> 00:12:36,923
( both grunting )
299
00:12:36,957 --> 00:12:38,557
We got a whole trunk
full of 'em.
300
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,391
( laughs )
301
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,197
Is this the way you wanna
be raising your kids?
302
00:12:42,229 --> 00:12:44,129
Happy? Yes.
303
00:12:44,164 --> 00:12:45,534
Does Julius have an iPad?
304
00:12:45,565 --> 00:12:47,525
So that's how you
measure happiness, yeah?
305
00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:50,297
I mean, you should be
teaching them that happiness
can't be bought.
306
00:12:50,337 --> 00:12:54,267
We worked in that tree
for 40 years, Thom.
307
00:12:54,307 --> 00:12:56,407
This is
the American dream--
308
00:12:56,443 --> 00:13:00,813
work hard,
buy a luxury car,
and get some new tits.
309
00:13:00,848 --> 00:13:02,248
Gotta go, Thom.
310
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:04,152
We're getting spray-tanned
before the Lakers game.
311
00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:07,394
Our agents got us
court-side seats!
312
00:13:07,420 --> 00:13:09,390
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
313
00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,093
( sighs )
314
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:14,525
I gotta get
the fuck out of here.
315
00:13:14,561 --> 00:13:17,001
Saleswoman:
Let's see what we've got.
316
00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:19,370
We have
the silver iPhone 6
317
00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:21,429
with HD retina display,
318
00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:24,538
eight mega pixel
eyesight camera
and charger
319
00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:27,511
and you got the Verizon
"More Everything" plan
320
00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:30,240
with unlimited talk and text
on the 4G LTE network,
321
00:13:30,277 --> 00:13:33,107
and you also got
the LG Tone wireless headset
322
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:35,176
with ambient noise reduction.
323
00:13:35,215 --> 00:13:39,585
Oh, hey, do you wanna look
at any of the protective
cases we have?
324
00:13:42,122 --> 00:13:43,322
Yes.
325
00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:44,926
You really do wanna
protect your investment.
326
00:13:44,958 --> 00:13:46,228
I do.
327
00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:48,059
I really do wanna
protect my investment.
328
00:13:48,095 --> 00:13:50,595
- Okay.
- Okay.
329
00:13:50,630 --> 00:13:52,370
Okay.
330
00:13:55,635 --> 00:13:58,435
Fitzgerald's iPad
is so cool.
331
00:13:58,471 --> 00:14:00,341
Julius, you're not
getting an iPad.
332
00:14:00,373 --> 00:14:02,113
- I know, Mom.
- Okay.
333
00:14:02,142 --> 00:14:06,612
We were playing this game
where you're the birds, right?
334
00:14:06,646 --> 00:14:09,876
- And these pigs
stole your eggs.
- Wow.
335
00:14:09,917 --> 00:14:13,947
And you use your fingers
to launch the birds
right on the screen.
336
00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:16,557
- Cool.
- And there's
this other one
337
00:14:16,589 --> 00:14:19,229
- where you can race
the pigs on a go-kart...
- Really?
338
00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:23,029
...and when
you turn the iPad,
that's how you steer.
339
00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:26,203
Dude!
This is amazing!
340
00:14:26,233 --> 00:14:28,173
Dad is gonna
love this.
341
00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:30,441
Should we put it up?
All right.
342
00:14:31,939 --> 00:14:34,309
Nicely done.
343
00:14:34,341 --> 00:14:38,311
So Fitzgerald
lets you play his iPad?
344
00:14:38,345 --> 00:14:40,345
No, I was watching
Ross play.
345
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:43,650
- So he let Ross play?
- Uh-huh.
346
00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:45,193
Mm.
347
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:47,088
Did he let
any other kids play?
348
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:50,260
Most of the kids.
349
00:14:50,290 --> 00:14:52,190
So he let most of the kids
play but not you?
350
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:53,925
He never lets me play.
351
00:14:53,961 --> 00:14:55,661
Well, you know what?
352
00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:57,425
He's a big jerk.
353
00:15:02,202 --> 00:15:04,142
( sighs )
354
00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:05,711
Come here, man.
355
00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:07,268
Look at that.
356
00:15:07,307 --> 00:15:10,137
Look how beautiful
that is.
357
00:15:10,177 --> 00:15:11,777
Dad's gonna love it.
358
00:15:15,648 --> 00:15:17,378
Look, let me
tell you something.
359
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:20,687
I love this,
and I hate commercials.
360
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:24,490
I hate my whole life
making commercials,
but I love this.
361
00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:26,694
And let me tell you why.
( clears throat )
362
00:15:26,726 --> 00:15:29,496
I know it's a bullshit
cookie commercial,
363
00:15:29,529 --> 00:15:31,229
but I think
it's more than that,
364
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:34,374
because I believe
that Ernie Keebler
365
00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:37,001
is Willy Loman.
366
00:15:37,037 --> 00:15:38,267
Oh, please.
367
00:15:38,305 --> 00:15:40,705
Do you think
the factory down the road
gives a shit about him?
368
00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:43,740
This whole campaign
is-- is-- is--
369
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:46,976
uh, is about
corporate imperialism.
370
00:15:47,014 --> 00:15:48,584
It's about
the ordinary working guy
371
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:49,745
who's just trying to put
some food on the table,
372
00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:51,552
just trying
to feed his kids,
373
00:15:51,584 --> 00:15:54,054
but he can't compete
with the corporate cartels
374
00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:56,187
who will not be satisfied
until they have every
last penny,
375
00:15:56,223 --> 00:15:57,223
and that's why
I wrote this.
376
00:15:57,257 --> 00:15:58,587
You wrote
this piece of shit?
377
00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:00,085
You're damn right I did.
378
00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:02,257
I said to the guys,
"No more animated characters.
379
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:04,095
We need real.
I need real.
380
00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:07,071
You know,
I need Rob Reiner
to direct this
381
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:12,170
and I need the guy
that played Trigorin
in 'The Seagull' to play JJ."
382
00:16:15,275 --> 00:16:18,745
You saw me
in "The Seagull"?
383
00:16:18,778 --> 00:16:20,348
I'm a Chekov fan.
384
00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:21,710
At the Atlantic?
385
00:16:21,748 --> 00:16:23,518
Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, absolutely.
386
00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:25,090
And I shouldn't say this,
387
00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:26,718
'cause you busted
my fuckin' ass before,
388
00:16:26,753 --> 00:16:30,093
but, uh, you were all
anybody saw in that play.
389
00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:31,663
( knock at door )
390
00:16:32,759 --> 00:16:34,389
Thom, your car
to the airport's here.
391
00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:36,257
Okay.
392
00:16:36,296 --> 00:16:40,066
Attention must be paid,
even to an elf.
393
00:16:41,568 --> 00:16:43,398
Let's do this.
394
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:46,706
Okay. Okay.
395
00:16:46,739 --> 00:16:48,639
Don't say goodbye
to Reiner for me.
396
00:16:48,675 --> 00:16:50,635
I won't even
say goodbye for me.
397
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:53,507
Oh, thanks for
the Chekov "Seagull" thing.
He totally bought it.
398
00:16:53,546 --> 00:16:55,716
- You can't go, Thom.
- Can't go where?
399
00:16:55,748 --> 00:16:58,318
- I'm sorry, Thom.
That was Lorna.
- Don't start with me, Deb.
400
00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:01,251
It's one wide
and a couple of close-ups.
Reiner can handle it.
401
00:17:01,288 --> 00:17:03,258
Flight's in two hours.
That's plenty of time.
402
00:17:03,290 --> 00:17:05,730
It's not about
the flight, Thom.
It's Gottfrid.
403
00:17:08,161 --> 00:17:11,661
He's got a dinner tonight
at the advertising club and
another one tomorrow.
404
00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:13,398
He wants you
to cover the edit.
405
00:17:13,433 --> 00:17:15,303
Said he'd be out here
first thing next week.
406
00:17:15,335 --> 00:17:16,595
- No.
- I'm sorry, Thom.
407
00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:17,796
I know you wanna
get home to your--
408
00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:19,407
You don't know--
what the fuck do you--
409
00:17:19,439 --> 00:17:20,769
Hey, you guys.
I'm gonna split.
410
00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:22,377
You know, I got
the Laker tickets.
411
00:17:22,409 --> 00:17:24,379
But you're okay.
You got JJ up in the tree.
412
00:17:24,411 --> 00:17:27,411
- Uh-huh.
- You got a wide shot
and a couple of close-ups.
413
00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:29,647
Charlie should be able
to handle it, okay?
414
00:17:29,682 --> 00:17:30,582
Bye.
415
00:17:31,751 --> 00:17:33,291
- We're not done.
- Debbie: Thom.
416
00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:34,590
- What?
- We're not done.
417
00:17:34,621 --> 00:17:36,121
You don't leave
until we're done.
418
00:17:36,156 --> 00:17:39,526
But you got
just a wide shot
and some close-ups.
419
00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:41,089
Yeah, Charlie
can handle that, Thom.
420
00:17:41,128 --> 00:17:42,758
Get back there
and finish the job.
421
00:17:44,797 --> 00:17:46,667
Do you know
who you're talking to?
422
00:17:46,699 --> 00:17:48,569
I'm talking to the director
of this goddamn commercial,
423
00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:50,501
the one that's being paid
$30,000 a day.
424
00:17:50,537 --> 00:17:51,837
The one who's gonna
get his fat ass back there
425
00:17:51,871 --> 00:17:53,511
and finish
the fuckin' job!
426
00:17:53,540 --> 00:17:55,180
Fuck you, Thom.
427
00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:58,478
You don't wanna be here
any more than I do.
428
00:17:58,511 --> 00:18:00,451
Thom, what is
the failed dream, huh?
429
00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:03,720
What is it?
It's a screenplay, a novel?
430
00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:07,190
You go write that,
get off my fuckin' back,
431
00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:10,760
and stop acting like
this shit matters, hmm?
432
00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:16,304
( car door opens, closes )
433
00:18:16,329 --> 00:18:18,229
( engine starts )
434
00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:27,865
- Lee: Hey. This day.
- Finally.
435
00:18:27,907 --> 00:18:30,277
I've tried you
a dozen fucking times.
436
00:18:30,310 --> 00:18:31,740
Oh, Jesus.
People.
437
00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:33,378
Oh, I was
at the phone store.
438
00:18:33,413 --> 00:18:35,383
- My phone died.
- All day?
439
00:18:35,415 --> 00:18:36,875
Your phone's
been dead all day?
440
00:18:36,916 --> 00:18:38,746
Where were you?
Were you at the studio?
441
00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:40,615
No, I was at
the phone store, Thom.
442
00:18:40,653 --> 00:18:42,363
Well, I wasn't
at my studio.
443
00:18:42,389 --> 00:18:44,719
I don't have a studio,
'cause all I have is work!
444
00:18:44,757 --> 00:18:46,757
I'm gonna die here
alone in a hotel room
445
00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:49,503
surrounded by
bulimic assholes
446
00:18:49,529 --> 00:18:52,699
and fucking
Keebler cookie scripts.
447
00:18:52,732 --> 00:18:55,242
What's wrong with you, Thom?
What's-- where are you?
448
00:18:55,268 --> 00:18:57,498
I'm at the hotel.
I'm at the fucking hotel.
449
00:18:57,537 --> 00:18:59,167
That's where I am.
450
00:18:59,206 --> 00:19:00,636
Thom.
451
00:19:00,673 --> 00:19:02,143
I'm not coming home.
452
00:19:03,243 --> 00:19:04,513
Is it Gottfrid?
453
00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:06,284
He's sucking some
ad dick in New York
454
00:19:06,313 --> 00:19:09,383
and I've gotta
stay here till--
till next week.
455
00:19:09,416 --> 00:19:11,246
( footsteps )
456
00:19:11,284 --> 00:19:12,654
Lee: Ugh.
457
00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:14,645
- Hey.
- Let me talk to Jules.
458
00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:15,957
I'll-- I can tell him.
459
00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:19,288
No, no, I'll tell him.
I'll tell him.
460
00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:20,926
Okay.
It's your daddy.
461
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,500
Hi, Daddy.
Are you on the plane?
462
00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:25,530
No, I'm not, buddy.
463
00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:27,695
- How come?
- I'm so sorry.
464
00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:30,844
I'm still here.
They-- I can't get home.
465
00:19:30,870 --> 00:19:33,670
I've got to do my job
and they won't let me
466
00:19:33,706 --> 00:19:35,836
go home right away
till I finish, yeah?
467
00:19:35,875 --> 00:19:37,535
But I'm gonna
be home next week,
468
00:19:37,577 --> 00:19:41,547
and, uh, so, you know,
I'll see you then, okay?
469
00:19:41,581 --> 00:19:43,781
I'm-- I'm really sorry,
buddy.
470
00:19:44,984 --> 00:19:46,354
Jules?
471
00:19:46,386 --> 00:19:48,286
Jules?
472
00:19:48,321 --> 00:19:50,321
( phone clatters )
473
00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:03,004
Fuck!
474
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:05,635
Hey, it's okay
to be angry, buddy.
475
00:20:05,672 --> 00:20:08,682
I'm not angry.
476
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:11,308
Everybody gets angry.
477
00:20:11,344 --> 00:20:14,784
You know, I bet your dad
threw his phone down, too.
478
00:20:14,814 --> 00:20:17,724
- ( dog whines )
- Hey, you know what?
479
00:20:17,750 --> 00:20:20,390
I bet if you close
your eyes,
480
00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:24,590
pictured your daddy
coming home and giving
you a big, big hug,
481
00:20:24,624 --> 00:20:26,464
it'd make you feel
so much better.
482
00:20:26,493 --> 00:20:30,433
- Mm-mm.
- No? Hmm.
483
00:20:30,463 --> 00:20:33,033
What if you closed
your eyes
484
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:37,365
and pictured Gottfrid
getting hit by a truck?
485
00:20:37,404 --> 00:20:39,674
- ( laughs )
- Would that make
you feel better?
486
00:20:39,706 --> 00:20:42,706
- No.
- Oh, really?
487
00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:44,712
What if you closed
your eyes
488
00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:48,784
and pictured Gottfrid
opening his office window
489
00:20:48,815 --> 00:20:54,015
and falling
all the way down?
490
00:20:54,053 --> 00:20:55,323
Splat!
491
00:20:55,355 --> 00:20:56,755
- Uh, no.
- No?
492
00:20:56,789 --> 00:21:00,829
All the way down!
And splat.
493
00:21:03,496 --> 00:21:04,756
Let's go make
some brownies.
494
00:21:04,797 --> 00:21:06,597
Come on.
Whoa!
495
00:21:06,633 --> 00:21:07,973
All right, then.
496
00:21:20,380 --> 00:21:23,380
Hey, Thom.
I'm just stopping by
for a pre-game drink.
497
00:21:23,416 --> 00:21:24,976
- How'd the shoot go?
- Film looks great.
498
00:21:25,017 --> 00:21:28,047
- Director's a piece of shit.
- Sounds great.
499
00:21:32,091 --> 00:21:33,561
Ernie?
500
00:21:36,596 --> 00:21:38,796
Ernie!
501
00:21:38,831 --> 00:21:41,371
Ernie! Ernie!
502
00:21:42,702 --> 00:21:45,342
Ernie! Ernie.
503
00:21:46,639 --> 00:21:48,339
Ernie.
504
00:21:48,375 --> 00:21:49,805
( groans )
505
00:21:49,842 --> 00:21:51,982
- Ernie!
- ( groans )
506
00:21:52,011 --> 00:21:53,551
What are you doing?
Let go!
507
00:21:53,580 --> 00:21:55,350
I don't want
to leave, Thom.
508
00:21:55,382 --> 00:21:57,352
I've never been happier.
509
00:21:57,384 --> 00:21:58,724
But what about Ma?
510
00:21:58,751 --> 00:22:00,821
What about the children,
the boys?
511
00:22:00,853 --> 00:22:03,123
Yeah, it's something,
isn't it?
512
00:22:03,155 --> 00:22:04,785
Just a bunch of elves.
513
00:22:04,824 --> 00:22:07,664
And here we are
in a Rolls.
514
00:22:07,694 --> 00:22:09,634
We made it, Thom.
515
00:22:09,662 --> 00:22:12,332
We made it.
516
00:22:21,641 --> 00:22:23,441
- Hey.
- Yeah.
517
00:22:23,476 --> 00:22:25,446
- Hundred bucks if you
let me piss on it.
- ( laughs )
518
00:22:25,478 --> 00:22:27,908
Seriously.
You'll feel better.
I'll feel better.
519
00:22:27,947 --> 00:22:30,017
- ( scoffs )
- Hundred bucks.
Right now.
520
00:22:30,049 --> 00:22:31,819
500.
521
00:23:16,863 --> 00:23:19,173
( urinating )
522
00:23:45,257 --> 00:23:48,127
Thom:
It's not LA.
I know that.
523
00:23:51,698 --> 00:23:54,528
It's us.
524
00:23:54,567 --> 00:23:56,997
We're just looking
for some relief.
525
00:23:57,036 --> 00:23:59,636
We're just looking
for a new religion.
526
00:23:59,672 --> 00:24:01,772
( choir singing )
527
00:24:06,679 --> 00:24:09,049
And so I enter,
head bowed,
528
00:24:09,081 --> 00:24:11,621
to the church of America,
529
00:24:11,651 --> 00:24:14,821
where the faithful raise up
their voices as one
530
00:24:14,854 --> 00:24:17,864
in a song
of thanks and cheer.
531
00:24:17,890 --> 00:24:20,230
And not
a dour face among them,
532
00:24:20,259 --> 00:24:24,059
for behold,
the iPhone 6 Plus
has appeared,
533
00:24:24,096 --> 00:24:28,936
and lo, the screen size
is much greater than before.
534
00:24:28,968 --> 00:24:30,898
Man: Okay, so that's
one iPhone 6 Plus,
535
00:24:30,937 --> 00:24:33,137
128 gigs,
mobile package,
536
00:24:33,172 --> 00:24:35,512
and from the looks
of your last phone,
537
00:24:35,542 --> 00:24:38,682
you'll definitely want
the additional two years
of damage coverage.
538
00:24:38,711 --> 00:24:41,281
And then we have
the iPad Mini 3
for your son,
539
00:24:41,313 --> 00:24:43,753
and that's 64 gigs
with retina display,
540
00:24:43,783 --> 00:24:45,593
Wi-Fi and cellular.
541
00:24:45,618 --> 00:24:46,748
Since he's young,
542
00:24:46,786 --> 00:24:49,516
I would recommend getting
a protector for it.
543
00:24:49,556 --> 00:24:51,586
- Uh--
- Would you like to get
a protector today?
544
00:24:51,624 --> 00:24:53,264
Yes.
545
00:24:53,292 --> 00:24:55,602
I'd like to get
a protector today.
546
00:24:55,628 --> 00:24:57,298
Great.
547
00:24:57,329 --> 00:25:02,029
Thom:
And let us say, "Amen."
548
00:25:02,068 --> 00:25:04,198
( bell tolling )
549
00:25:04,236 --> 00:25:07,166
* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *
550
00:25:07,206 --> 00:25:09,736
* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *
551
00:25:09,776 --> 00:25:12,606
* If you're happy and you
know it, then your face
will surely show it *
552
00:25:12,645 --> 00:25:15,275
* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *
553
00:25:15,314 --> 00:25:17,954
* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *
554
00:25:17,984 --> 00:25:20,824
* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *
555
00:25:20,853 --> 00:25:23,723
* If you're happy and you
know it, then your face
will surely show it *
556
00:25:23,756 --> 00:25:26,256
* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *
557
00:25:26,292 --> 00:25:28,962
* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *
558
00:25:28,995 --> 00:25:31,755
* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *
559
00:25:31,798 --> 00:25:34,668
* If you're happy and you
know it, then your face
will surely show it *
560
00:25:34,701 --> 00:25:37,271
* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *
561
00:25:37,303 --> 00:25:39,973
* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *
562
00:25:40,006 --> 00:25:42,836
* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *
563
00:25:42,875 --> 00:25:45,645
* If you're
happy and you know it,
then motherfucking show it *
564
00:25:45,678 --> 00:25:48,108
* If you're happy
and you know it, clap your
motherfucking hands *
565
00:25:48,147 --> 00:25:50,977
* If you're happy and you
know it, then your face
will surely show it *
566
00:25:51,017 --> 00:25:54,787
* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands! *
41772
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