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MEG: And then softly, softly...
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00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:08,400
..softly...
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00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:13,200
CREATURE ROARS, ALARM BLARES
4
00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:17,560
Fuck!
5
00:00:17,560 --> 00:00:19,640
MUFFLED SCREAMS
6
00:00:19,640 --> 00:00:22,000
This fucking mission is impossible!
7
00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:23,400
Why?!
SHE CHUCKLES
8
00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:24,960
Why?! WHY?!
9
00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:26,560
It's really difficult, isn't it?
10
00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:28,720
Russell, it's an act
of outright fucking sadism.
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Every time the same -
just repetitive, relentless,
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00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:32,760
merciless drudgery.
13
00:00:32,760 --> 00:00:34,680
I appreciate that sounds fun,
but it isn't!
14
00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:37,880
It just isn't. That's it.
It's USB time.
15
00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:39,120
No, Usman, don't do it!
16
00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:44,360
Meg...I told myself every time you
fail the mission, you get it again.
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00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:50,120
WIRE WHIPS, HE CRIES OUT IN PAIN
18
00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:52,320
What is wrong with me?
19
00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:53,280
Why can't I do it?
20
00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:57,280
Do you think I should
go to the doctor's?
21
00:00:57,280 --> 00:00:58,760
No, Meg, no doctors.
22
00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:01,720
Right, first positions. We go again.
23
00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:02,840
DRUM ROLL
24
00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:06,800
WHIPPING, USMAN SCREAMS
25
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:21,080
So, Alison, I don't want to make
a big thing of this, but, um...
26
00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:28,480
..I want you to have all of my
tights and my trainers
27
00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:29,840
if anything happens to me,
28
00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:34,240
because...basically, I'm pretty sure
I've got Parkinson's disease.
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00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:37,480
OK...
Is this to do with the mission, Meg?
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00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:39,880
Failing the mission was my first
symptom of Parkinson's, yeah.
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00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:42,760
Right, I see.
Losing control of my hands,
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00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:45,000
loss of fine motor skills...
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
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00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:47,000
..it...it explains everything.
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00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:51,040
I'm so sorry.
Have you told her, Meg?
35
00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:53,000
I've told her about me, yes, Nicky.
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00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:54,760
HE SIGHS
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00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:56,320
OK...
38
00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:57,520
Alison...
39
00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:01,480
And this is going to be tough
for you to hear.
40
00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:04,560
..we think we may have Parkinson's.
41
00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:05,840
You don't have Parkinson's, Nicky.
42
00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:07,920
If anything,
I've got more Parkinson's than you!
43
00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:10,840
I'd love to have your level
of Parkinson's. Please!
44
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:11,760
Puh-lease!
45
00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:13,920
You've probably just got,
like, very mild MS.
46
00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:17,120
I don't think either of you
have Parkinson's.
47
00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:19,360
I think perhaps you're
a little bit stressed
48
00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:22,120
and you've just come across
a level that you can't do.
49
00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:24,040
THEY SCOFF AND LAUGH
50
00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:26,640
Wh...?! Sorry, hang on.
51
00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:28,960
Um, Alison, which do you think
is more likely -
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00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:31,960
that I'm unable to complete
a side mission on a game that I've
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00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:34,520
been playing on and off for about,
what, 14 years? 14! 1-4.
54
00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:36,640
Or that I've got a disease that
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00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:38,600
affects as many as
one in 800 people?
56
00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:41,000
Face it, Alison,
I'm Parkinson's as fuck.
57
00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:42,480
Not quite as Parkinson's as me.
58
00:02:42,480 --> 00:02:44,560
Yeah, but I've got
a relationship to maintain.
59
00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:45,960
You don't have a relationship,
Nicky.
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00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:48,640
I'm in a wordless relationship
that's based on consensual waving.
61
00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:51,560
Uh, with a girl who pulled your guts
out from your anus.
62
00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:53,400
It's an off-beat modern romance,
Meg.
63
00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:55,040
Sorry you find that so challenging.
64
00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:57,760
OK. Well, a little bit
of housekeeping.
65
00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:01,560
Uh... There is a man coming round
tomorrow to service the boiler.
66
00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:05,600
Whoa! Hang on... What?!
There's a man coming round?
67
00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:07,400
What kind of man? A tradesman?
68
00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:09,680
A tradesman, Meg, yes.
69
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:11,120
You just need to let him in.
70
00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:14,320
Let him in?! What's next, Alison -
give him a bath, trim his nails?
71
00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:16,440
This really isn't
a good time for us, Alison.
72
00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:18,840
We've got a mission,
we've got weekly challenges.
73
00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:20,360
We've got Parkinson's.
74
00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:22,960
You just need to let him in,
make him a cup of tea.
75
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:24,640
It's not a big deal.
76
00:03:24,640 --> 00:03:26,040
Make him a cup of tea?!
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00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:28,240
I'm not fucking making him
a cup of tea, Alison!
78
00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:30,760
What is he, a little bird that needs
looking after?
79
00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:33,040
Should I chew up some worms
and spit them in his mouth?
80
00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:35,320
I don't think that would be
appropriate, Meg, no.
81
00:03:35,320 --> 00:03:36,880
He's going to want to show us
what he's done.
82
00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:39,840
Oh, my God, he's going
to make us LOOK at what he's done!
83
00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:42,400
"Ooh, look at this! Look at that!
I gave it a bevelled edge!"
84
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:45,080
He's going to want a compliment.
Men are so fucking needy.
85
00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:48,320
Thirsty for compliments, thirsty
for tea. Men are so fucking thirsty!
86
00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:49,840
I think I need to go and lie down.
87
00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:52,520
All this stress has given me
a Parkinson's flare-up.
88
00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:54,560
Yeah, yeah, same.
89
00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:58,000
Thanks for
the Parkinson's flare-up, Alison.
90
00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:03,560
ALARM BLARES, CREATURE ROARS
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00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,080
LOUD WHIPPING, HE SCREAMS IN PAIN
92
00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:09,200
Bullshit! Fucking bollocks! Shitty
stealth mechanic piece of shit!
93
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,720
Maybe we just need to look at
a walk-through on YouTube.
94
00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:14,080
Oh, is that who we are now,
Russell - those people?!
95
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:16,920
Maybe we could invite some real men
over to chop off our sausages
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00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:18,040
while they fuck our wives.
97
00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:19,640
Goddamn!
98
00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:21,920
CRASHING, USMAN GROANS
Usman?
99
00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:24,120
HE SIGHS AND BREATHES DEEPLY
100
00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:26,880
It's OK. I'm fine.
101
00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:28,720
I'm just building some
flat-pack furniture
102
00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:31,000
and a karate chopped a deep shelf.
103
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:33,840
At couple's therapy, I agreed to do
more acts of love labours
104
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:36,480
for my wife, but then I got waylaid
with the mission,
105
00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:39,200
so now I've got 16 acts of attentive
care to do by Monday
106
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:40,920
or I fail my fucking marriage.
107
00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:43,160
This is like fucking Groundhog Day!
108
00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:45,560
What's that, then?
Groundhog Day?
109
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:48,040
The film.
Oh, I don't really like films.
110
00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:50,160
What do you mean,
you don't really like films?
111
00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:53,440
I don't know. They've just never
really made one that's grabbed me.
112
00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:55,480
Films? You've seen films?
113
00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:57,520
I've seen eight films...
114
00:04:57,520 --> 00:05:01,040
Ghost, Heat, Jaws,
115
00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:04,360
Rocky, Cool Runnings...
116
00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:07,200
..the Hungry Games
and the Seabiscuits.
117
00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:08,840
Annette tried to put one
on last night,
118
00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:10,280
so I just pretended I was asleep.
119
00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:12,800
Annette? Oh, I've met someone.
120
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:16,120
Yeah, it's
a proper world-wind romance.
121
00:05:16,120 --> 00:05:17,200
She's my Uber driver.
122
00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:18,840
Your Uber driver?
123
00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:22,200
My mum kicked me out and I needed
a place to stay, so I put in
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00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:25,200
my mate's address, but then she
picked me up and we got talking,
125
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:28,360
and she must have really liked me
cos she ended up just driving me
126
00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:29,560
straight back to her house.
127
00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:31,320
That was four days ago.
128
00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:33,160
Russell...have you been abducted?
129
00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:35,000
No, nothing like that.
130
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:36,880
Is it?
131
00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:39,120
And she makes me dinner
with a pudding every night.
132
00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:40,760
And the sex...
133
00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:42,000
..well, it's a lot.
134
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:43,560
It's a lot more than you'd think.
135
00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:45,280
How old is she, Russell?
136
00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:46,600
Oh, not that old.
137
00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:49,600
Like, 30 or 40 or 50.
Something like that.
138
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:52,440
OK, Russell, sounds like
what you've got there is a sex mum.
139
00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:54,280
A sex mum? A sex mum, yeah.
140
00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:57,800
It does sound like you've got what
we in American would call a sex mom.
141
00:05:57,800 --> 00:05:59,240
DOOR BUZZER
142
00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:02,600
DEFCON 1. That's the tradesman.
Go on, then. Why should I go?
143
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:04,760
Because, you've got more in common
with men than I do.
144
00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:07,800
You share, like,
60% of your DNA with men.
145
00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:09,440
Men are my natural predators.
146
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:12,280
It's like you're making a shrew
answer the door to an owl.
147
00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:13,760
What am I, then, if you're a shrew?
148
00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:16,720
You're a Barbary macaque. An owl has
no interest in a Barbary macaque.
149
00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:18,640
They're not even part
of the same ecosystem.
150
00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:20,320
PERSISTENT BUZZING
151
00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:22,280
KNOCKING ON DOOR
152
00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:25,200
Curse my deep psychological need to
appease male authority figures.
153
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,360
Remember, tradesmen are
like hedgehogs -
154
00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:31,840
the more liquid you give them,
the more they come to expect.
155
00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:34,560
In fact, hide the kettle.
Good, good, good, good, good, good.
156
00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:35,920
Remember your conversation stoppers?
157
00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:39,000
"I don't know, mate.
I'm just staying here for a bit.
158
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:40,760
"You'll need to talk to
Alison about that."
159
00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:42,800
Perfect.
160
00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:45,000
Hey, I'm Greg.
161
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:47,640
For the boiler.
162
00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:50,360
Right. Sorry I was late. Traffic.
163
00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:54,000
Oh, sorry, mate.
I don't really know about traffic.
164
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:55,680
GREG LAUGHS SOFTLY
165
00:06:57,120 --> 00:06:58,280
Uh, where's your boiler?
166
00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:00,840
Friend, you might as well
have just asked me
167
00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:03,680
for bicycling directions
to the Hamburg Symphony Hall.
168
00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:05,040
THEY CHUCKLE
169
00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:08,560
Shall I get started, then, or...?
170
00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:10,880
Uh... I don't know, mate.
171
00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:12,520
I'm just staying here for a bit.
172
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:14,040
You'll need to talk to
Alison about that.
173
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:15,520
DOOR SHUTS
174
00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:19,040
CREATURE ROARS, ALARM BLARES
175
00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:21,880
Fuck!
176
00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:23,040
My God!
177
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:25,360
I've got a list of love labours
as long as my dick,
178
00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:29,080
but this game just fucks me up
every single time.
179
00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:32,840
LOUD WHIPPING, HE SCREAMS IN PAIN
180
00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:36,400
God, Daisy's back online.
Um, see you later.
181
00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:37,760
Wha... What?
182
00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:41,520
So you're just quitting,
off to do some more sexy waving?
183
00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:43,240
Uh.... Yes. Bye.
184
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:46,440
All right, here goes.
185
00:07:50,440 --> 00:07:51,840
MALE: Halt. Who goes there?
186
00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:55,480
Uh, hey, sorry. I was just on my way
to wave at that nice girl.
187
00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:58,440
Oh, bless. Looks like we've got
ourselves another fanboy.
188
00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:01,000
Cos if you're here to get
it on with Daisy Chainsaw,
189
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:03,560
take a ticket from
a ticket-dispensing machine.
190
00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:06,840
Oh. Um, sorry, I didn't realise
she was such a... ..big deal?
191
00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:09,520
The level 110 cleric who uses double
broadswords and is
192
00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:12,840
a verifiably attractive female is
a big deal. Isn't that strange?
193
00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:14,680
It's been verified,
her attractiveness?
194
00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:16,960
Yes, we're all quite pathologically
smitten with her.
195
00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:18,800
I'll ping you her Insty.
196
00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:21,520
You're lucky, she's just moving
into her summer wardrobe.
197
00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:24,720
Lots of pinks and lavender tones.
198
00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:28,400
Sounds amazing. Aw!
Did you feel you had a connection?
199
00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:31,280
Well... Um, no. I mean...
200
00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:32,680
..kind of.
201
00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:36,200
You know, she once wrenched my
innards out through my bottomhole
202
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:38,040
and then handed them to me. Right.
203
00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:39,920
So, she does that to all the boys,
then, does she?
204
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:42,680
But from that disembowelling
came a movement.
205
00:08:42,680 --> 00:08:45,600
We call ourselves the 12 Disciples.
We're a brotherhood.
206
00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:48,600
Just men supporting men supporting
a woman
207
00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:50,720
who doesn't know she's being
supported by the men.
208
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:52,000
It's glorious.
209
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:55,120
Wow. She is so beautiful.
210
00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:57,240
And that's been
independently verified?
211
00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:59,400
Oh, her face, we can all agree on.
212
00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:03,000
Her precise height - let's just
say that's something of a hot topic.
213
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:05,560
Oh, yeah? Yeah. There are those
who'd have you believe
214
00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:08,560
she's something of a Goliath,
six foot seven, or so they claim.
215
00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:11,360
Or based on a single holiday photo
in which a Diet Coke can
216
00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:13,240
looks quite small in her hand.
217
00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:14,440
Then there's the other camp.
218
00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:17,200
They'll tell you that she's four
foot nine, because they've compared
219
00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:19,280
the size of her cranium to
the width of her shoulders
220
00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:20,880
in the famous Paris balcony shots.
221
00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:23,640
My God, that is
so intensely obsessive.
222
00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:25,080
I love it.
223
00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:28,280
Because none of us are actually
going to get together with her.
224
00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:30,520
I mean, I live all
the way in the Philippines.
225
00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:32,120
HE CHUCKLES
226
00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:34,440
Because of my work. My job.
227
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:37,160
My job has lead me
to live in the Philippines,
228
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,920
and that's why I live
in the Philippines. OK.
229
00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:41,480
And also the cost of living,
230
00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:43,640
and that's the other reason
why I live in the Philippines.
231
00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:46,160
Maybe I should be living in the
Philippines! Sounds kind of dreamy!
232
00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:51,320
We have found a fulfilment
for ourselves by orbiting her.
233
00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:55,800
Scraps from a queen's table can make
a good meal for a hungry serf.
234
00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:56,960
KNOCK ON DOOR
235
00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:01,640
Sorry, mate, could you come
and have a quick look at something?
236
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:04,200
Seriously? I'm just staying here.
You need to check with Alison.
237
00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:05,840
It won't take a minute.
238
00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:15,080
Huh? OK, I have to level with you -
I have no idea what I'm looking at.
239
00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:17,040
It didn't do that before. Didn't it?
240
00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:22,120
Look, I noticed it, I thought, it
won't take a minute. No charge.
241
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:23,920
MEG: What's the tradesman
making you look at?
242
00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:26,920
There's a lever and it's making
the plug go up and down.
243
00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:29,840
Didn't it do that before?
Apparently not, no.
244
00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:32,280
LEVER CLUNKS
245
00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:34,320
Yeah. Sorry, mate, I think
that's probably
246
00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:35,680
all the times I can look at that.
247
00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:38,040
Actually, Nicky, can you look at it
a few more times
248
00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:39,640
so I can sneak to the toilet? OK...
249
00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:43,120
All right?
250
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,240
I'm Greg.
251
00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:48,440
ROMANTIC CLASSICAL MUSIC
252
00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:52,760
Would you, um...
253
00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:55,360
..like some...cups of teas?
254
00:10:56,640 --> 00:10:58,440
Your kettle's under the sink.
255
00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:01,320
SHE SNORTS LAUGHING
256
00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:10,120
So, did he come, the man?
257
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:12,960
He came, yeah. Meg looked him in the
eye and fell in love with him,
258
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:14,920
started compulsively making him
cups of tea.
259
00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:15,960
OK, that's not what happened.
260
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:18,880
At one point, she ran out of mugs,
and contemplated making him one in
261
00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:21,320
one of those detergent dosing balls
that you put in the washing machine.
262
00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:24,840
OK, Nicky, yeah, if you must know,
I wanted to fuck the tradesperson.
263
00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:26,000
Happy now?
264
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:27,440
So, come on, what was he like?
265
00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:29,040
He was just a bloke.
266
00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:30,840
Don't even remember
if he had a face.
267
00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:33,440
Exactly, he was just like, erm...
268
00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:37,320
Just like, you know, erm,
short hair, rugby arms, car legs.
269
00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:40,120
Car legs? Yeah, he was just all, you
know, like, leggy.
270
00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:44,640
Like a blokey, blokey,
leggy trades bloke. You know?
271
00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:47,320
Put him in a Superdry puffer jacket,
pop Sky Sports News on,
272
00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:49,480
and he'll be all like, "Wahey!"
273
00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:51,520
Yeah, so basically what I'm trying
to say
274
00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:52,680
is that he's just absolutely Tesco.
275
00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:54,480
Right. Tesco?
276
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:56,200
Daisy's not Tesco.
277
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:57,800
She's incredible.
278
00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:59,760
Should see her in her summer finery.
279
00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:02,480
Effortless chic in a simple cotton
shirt dress from Monsoon.
280
00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:05,320
Yeah, er, Nicky's joint a cult
of masturbators who obsess over
281
00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:07,720
a girl they've never met,
and swap theories on her height
282
00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:09,160
relative to light switches
and door knobs.
283
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:11,320
That's correct, Meg, we do.
284
00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:12,680
We like to admire her from afar.
285
00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:14,800
It's basically my ideal
relationship.
286
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:17,920
All the pain, none of that sweet,
complicated game.
287
00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:20,360
That sounds quite powerfully
depressing, Nicky.
288
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:22,360
Well, it absolutely isn't, Alison.
289
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:25,440
That's about all I can say on that.
290
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:28,160
Anyway, yeah, he came.
291
00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:30,560
Now he's gone. I lost my window.
292
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:31,960
I mean, he probably wasn't
your type anyway.
293
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:34,760
You're not exactly Tesco, are you?
294
00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:37,120
I can do Tesco, Alison.
295
00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:38,400
Can you, though, Meg?
296
00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:40,560
Please! I can turn it on whenever
I want.
297
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,520
I could lark normo for somebody.
298
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:44,000
Sure you can, Captain Normality.
299
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:45,480
Oh, you don't think I can do normal?
300
00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:48,040
Nicky, I-I can do so normal
301
00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:51,240
that I would make Alison look like a
psychedelic crack hippie
302
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:52,920
who's trying to barbecue her
own dreadlocks.
303
00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:54,360
DOOR SHUTS
304
00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:57,560
Night, Meg.
305
00:12:57,560 --> 00:13:01,360
BEEP
Hi, er, this is a message for Greg
the tradesman.
306
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:03,800
Erm, our boiler's still not working,
weirdly,
307
00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:06,960
and I wondered if you could maybe
pop round to fix it.
308
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:24,440
You know, I've reached
a sort of zen with it now.
309
00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:27,560
I surrender myself unto the mission.
310
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:31,640
Now, please excuse me while I lash
myself with this scart cable.
311
00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:33,200
DOG BARKING
312
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,400
Sorry, ignore that,
that's just Bogs.
313
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:37,640
Bogs? Bogs. Big Bogs. Annette's dog.
314
00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:40,360
He's a German shepherd and
he doesn't like me at all very much.
315
00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:41,800
He's made that very clear.
316
00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:45,000
We shut him out in the hall cos
otherwise he gets a bit bitey
317
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:46,040
and humpy.
318
00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:47,040
Worst bit's the sex.
319
00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:48,800
You guys fuck the dog?!
320
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:50,720
No! God. He just likes to watch us.
321
00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:52,440
Bogs watches you fuck?
322
00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:54,480
I mean, there's a gate,
so he can't get in,
323
00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:57,000
but he just...sits and watches.
324
00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:58,600
BARKING
325
00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:00,840
And he growls every time
I go on top.
326
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,000
He's not even very keen on the
sideyways one,
327
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,200
so now I just...just stay on
the bottom.
328
00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:06,520
He's trained you, Russell.
329
00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:08,160
Bogs has trained you.
330
00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:10,080
You now fuck to please that dog.
331
00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:12,560
You're basically a camgirl for a
German shepherd.
332
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,920
BUZZER
333
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:17,400
Right. The tradesman's back.
334
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:19,000
Time to go full metal normo.
335
00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:23,920
Tradesman Greg! Two days in a row,
God, people'll start to talk.
336
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:29,280
How are you?
337
00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:30,360
How were the roads?
338
00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:32,080
Were the roads kind to you?
339
00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:35,400
Yeah, not bad. Um...so what's
happened with this, then?
340
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:40,040
I don't know. It's weird,
it's like it's gone totally fucked.
341
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:41,720
Yeah, it's like it's haunted
or something.
342
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:44,520
You know, clanking noises,
steam coming out of it.
343
00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:47,600
We had... We had water spraying out
of the toilet a 3am. What?
344
00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:52,640
So...what you've done to it,
Greg, fuck only knows.
345
00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:54,120
GREG SIGHS
346
00:14:56,440 --> 00:14:58,600
How many spanners have you got?
347
00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:01,040
What's that? In total, spanners.
348
00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:03,560
Erm...15, 20.
349
00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:05,920
A goodly amount of spannery things!
350
00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:12,520
Gogglebox.
351
00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:15,520
Fuck me senseless, what a show.
352
00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:16,560
I don't really watch it, you know.
353
00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:18,760
Oh, yeah, what you too...
354
00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:20,720
NORTHERN ACCENT: ..too busy
getting trousered
355
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:22,880
with yer mates down snooker club?
356
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,760
No idea why I went northern.
357
00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:26,480
Do you like eggs?
358
00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:27,960
Do I...? Like eggs.
359
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:30,000
Erm...
360
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,480
..yeah, sometimes. OK, great.
You want eggs?
361
00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:32,960
No, I like eggs, but I...
362
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:37,520
You keep working, I'll rustle you up
a six egg breakfast.
363
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:41,080
What's a six egg breakfast?
364
00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:44,920
Greg, sweetheart,
you let me worry about that.
365
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:51,440
Yeah, she's in a good mood today.
366
00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:53,120
She just posted on her Insty -
367
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:55,640
got a macchiato from that
place down the road that she likes.
368
00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:57,280
Oh, let's just hope they remembered
369
00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:58,680
to spell her name correctly
this time.
370
00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:01,040
Don't worry, I phoned the cafe.
371
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:03,680
Needless to say, they won't be
making that mistake again.
372
00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:05,800
HE CHUCKLES
373
00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:07,320
NICKY LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
374
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:18,040
Seriously, though, I...phoned in
a bomb threat.
375
00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:20,760
The manager got a burn on his face
from a tear gas canister.
376
00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:23,160
Oh, dear.
377
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:26,000
Erm, we're going to go
and harvest some gear for her.
378
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:28,440
Do you mind keeping an eye?
379
00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:31,600
Don't, er, don't bother her, just
show her devotion by your presence.
380
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:44,920
Meg, Meg, the girl from the game,
she wants to voice chat,
381
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:46,600
and I'm totally blank. I don't know
what to...
382
00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:48,720
What are some of the things that
people can say?
383
00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:49,800
Nicky, Nicky, come here.
384
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:52,240
WHISPERING: Nicky, Nicky,
can you shut the fuck up, please,
385
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:54,640
because I'm trying to act
fucking normal?
386
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:55,840
What the fuck are you doing?
387
00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:56,920
I'm cooking a six egg breakfast.
388
00:16:56,920 --> 00:16:58,680
What the fuck is a
six egg breakfast?
389
00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:00,680
I don't know. I've put two in
an omelette,
390
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:02,280
but now I've got four fucking
eggs left
391
00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:04,440
and I don't know where to put them.
Where do I put them?
392
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:07,040
Do I...put them in the beans? You
can't put the eggs in the beans.
393
00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:09,520
Eggy beans, I've heard of those,
right? Have I heard of those?
394
00:17:09,520 --> 00:17:12,400
This is how you're trying to flirt
with the tradesman, is it?
395
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:13,760
You're trying to bind him up with a
box of eggs?
396
00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:15,960
Er, no, actually, Nicky, because
I've got a line.
397
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:17,920
What line? A pick-up line.
398
00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:18,800
Go on, then, let's hear it.
399
00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:21,440
I'm not telling you, but...
400
00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:25,120
..it's potent and it is suggestive.
401
00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:27,680
And when I drop it,
it will be automatic fuck time.
402
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:30,240
Meg, I don't know what to
say to her!
403
00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:31,880
Nicky. Come in, Nicky.
404
00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:34,720
This is what you say, and you might
want to write this down.
405
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:39,920
You tell her you own a Les Paul
guitar, you're part French,
406
00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:44,320
you eat a lot of oily fish,
and you sometimes cry.
407
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:47,440
You have a niece
and she's priceless.
408
00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:49,760
You own a 21-speed mountain bike,
409
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:53,280
and you've ridden it at
speed downhill.
410
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:56,600
Follow those instructions, kemosabe,
you'll be dipped in unicorn shit.
411
00:17:56,600 --> 00:17:59,520
NICKY EXHALES
412
00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:03,320
Hi, erm, sorry to intrude.
413
00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:05,680
I don't mean to sound ungrateful,
but I was just wondering
414
00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:08,200
if you could stop following me
everywhere and waving at me.
415
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,840
Oh, wait, that's why you wanted to
talk to me.
416
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:14,200
Oh, OK, cos I thought you wanted
a genuine interaction,
417
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:17,600
but no, it's just a...just
a boilerplate rejection.
418
00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:18,360
Oh, thank fuck.
419
00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:21,440
I mean, it's obviously very
flattering, this whole movement
420
00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:23,840
that's popped up around me, and,
you know, I'm thankful
421
00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:25,520
for all of the drawings,
and the poetry,
422
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:28,000
and even the animatronic
waxwork model.
423
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:32,120
Oh. Wow. Must be weird being you.
424
00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:35,040
Oh, I mean, no-one's ever really
thought about it
425
00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:36,600
from my point of view, but, yeah.
426
00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:39,640
Yeah, it's a bit of an adjustment.
Sort of.
427
00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:42,080
I guess the level of scrutiny,
I think.
428
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:44,440
I never really had, like,
boyfriends at school,
429
00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:46,640
so, erm, yeah...
430
00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:48,480
There was one kid that...
431
00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:51,480
He stared at me quite a lot.
Quite intense.
432
00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:54,040
But, erm, did turn out that he used
to lick frozen fish fingers
433
00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:55,320
like they were lollipops.
434
00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:57,800
Look, I get it, you're rejecting me.
435
00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:00,120
Obviously I'm crushed,
436
00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:02,320
but I'll...I'll just swallow it.
437
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:04,000
Oh! Oh.
438
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,760
Cos I find misery to
be like pudding in that, erm,
439
00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:08,960
no matter how stuffed you are...
440
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:10,520
..there's always
room for a little more.
441
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:15,720
Waving guy, erm...
442
00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:19,560
..tell me something,
do you like to grind?
443
00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:22,880
Yes, nice, cool, friendly girl
who likes video games,
444
00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:24,840
I very much like to grind.
445
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:27,400
Well, then...then shall we?
446
00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:33,520
Yeah, sure.
447
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,520
So...
448
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:39,880
..erm, what you've got here is, erm,
an omelette, scrambled egg,
449
00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:45,120
fried egg, boiled egg, poached egg,
and, oh, and also I just
450
00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:50,160
found a spare egg at the back of the
fridge so that is just a raw egg.
451
00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:51,640
Just a basic seven seasons of egg.
452
00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:53,600
That's a lot of egg, innit?
453
00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:55,800
Thank you, Greg, yes, it is.
454
00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:59,120
So, a little birdy tells me you and
Daisy
455
00:19:59,120 --> 00:20:00,920
have been doing a little
voice on voice.
456
00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:05,280
Yeah. Yeah, God, she...she's
so amazing.
457
00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:08,920
She's really nice and she has this
amazing voice.
458
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:10,760
Like a probiotic voiceover voice.
459
00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:12,000
I want you to tell me everything.
460
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:13,120
We did talk about her
diet for a bit.
461
00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:17,000
Your theory about her possible
calcium deficiency holds up.
462
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:18,760
Bravo. You did it.
463
00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:21,280
You have established a
human connection.
464
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:23,480
We shall call you Neo,
for you have been prophesied.
465
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:26,600
God, thanks, mate,
that's really nice.
466
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,440
Now disciples!
467
00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:30,000
ROARING
468
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:33,400
Oh, you bastards! You're coshing me.
469
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,080
You total, total bastards!
470
00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:36,840
Punch him harder, disciples!
471
00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:40,080
Punch him harder, disciples!
Curse him! Curse him!
472
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,280
Gut him!
473
00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:43,960
So, erm...
474
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:44,920
..anyhow...
475
00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:49,840
..seeing as you know so much about
the plumbings of a house,
476
00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:53,720
I was wondering how much you knew
about the plumbings, erm,
477
00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:54,640
of a woman.
478
00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:57,160
What?
479
00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:59,360
Do you know what it is?
I don't know what's going on.
480
00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:01,840
I fixed this yesterday
and it's, erm...
481
00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:03,600
..it's broken again.
482
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:06,720
Right, yeah, does seem like you're
bit of a bad boiler engineer.
483
00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:10,960
But, er, anyway, in terms of
plumbings of a woman...
484
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,640
Meg!
485
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:13,840
Meg! Ignore him.
486
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:15,360
He's an oddball.
487
00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:19,840
Erm, cos the thing is,
Greg, as a woman, I've got pipes,
488
00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:21,920
and I was wondering how much of
your knowledge
489
00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:26,040
of central heating systems
is transferable to me.
490
00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:27,480
Meg!
491
00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:29,480
Can you come and help me, please.
492
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:34,280
Basically, what I'm proposing,
I think, er, if it's not too gross,
493
00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:38,760
is an inspection of my
internal waterworks.
494
00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:42,240
Meg, please, I'm being coshed
by a group of radical men in here.
495
00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:44,200
Erm... Meg!
496
00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:47,040
Meg! Please! I think
you should go help your mate.
497
00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:49,560
Ah. OK.
498
00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:53,240
I get it.
499
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:55,320
You've seen right through me.
500
00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:59,520
Pink-haired freako with fringe
interests and a seven egg breakfast.
501
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:02,120
No, I... No, congrats, you got me.
502
00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:05,000
Probably got Parkinson's
disease anyway.
503
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:08,440
By the way, erm, I smashed up
the boiler with a can of soup, so...
504
00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:09,160
..good luck with that.
505
00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:17,920
So I got to thinking as I was trying
and failing to build the bookcase
506
00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:21,640
that would save my marriage,
it's about sacrifice.
507
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:26,320
That's the key to everything -
to love, to honour, to happiness.
508
00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:28,880
And that's why, Russell, I need you
to stand over there
509
00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:31,320
and get fucked to death by
that monster.
510
00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:31,920
OK, then.
511
00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:36,160
It's distracted. Run!
512
00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:43,320
Oh, my God, we did it!
513
00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:44,600
Hurray.
514
00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:47,160
Nah, I'm just so happy you finally
did it.
515
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,960
Thanks, though, Meg,
for rescuing me from the weirdos.
516
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:53,440
Oh. Guess it's just where I belong,
isn't it?
517
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:54,720
Back here with the oddballs.
518
00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:56,480
I'm sorry, Meg.
519
00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:58,680
I know very much how you wanted that
tradesperson to fuck you.
520
00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:00,120
KNOCK ON DOOR
521
00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:02,920
Um, Meg...
522
00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:05,600
..I just found this.
523
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:15,480
Russell!
524
00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:17,640
Will you come upstairs
for me, please?
525
00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:20,280
DOG BARKS
526
00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:21,480
Now!
527
00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:22,880
I got to go, guys.
528
00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:48,760
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