All language subtitles for Bob.and.Carol.and.Ted.and.Alice.1969.1080p.BluRay.DTS.x264-PSYCHD.Eng

[orchestra: "Hallelujah Chorus" plays]

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ For the Lord God omnipotent ♪

♪ Reigneth ♪

♪ Hallelujah hallelujah
Hallelujah hallelujah ♪

♪ For the Lord God omnipotent ♪

♪ Reigneth ♪

♪ Hallelujah hallelujah
Hallelujah hallelujah ♪

♪ For the Lord God omnipotent ♪

♪ Reigneth ♪

♪ The kingdom of this world ♪

♪ Is become ♪

♪ The kingdom of our Lord ♪

♪ And of his Christ ♪

♪ And of his Christ ♪

♪ And he shall reign
For ever and ever ♪

♪ And he shall reign
For ever and ever ♪

♪ And he shall reign
For ever and ever ♪

♪ And he shall reign
For ever and ever ♪

♪ King of kings ♪

♪ For ever and ever
Hallelujah hallelujah ♪

♪ And the lord of lords ♪

♪ For ever and ever ♪

♪ Hallelujah hallelujah ♪

♪ King of kings ♪

♪ For ever and ever ♪

♪ Hallelujah hallelujah ♪

♪ And the lord of lords ♪

♪ For ever and ever ♪

♪ Hallelujah hallelujah ♪

♪ King of kings ♪

♪ King of kings ♪

♪ And lord of lords ♪

♪ King of kings
And lord of lords ♪

♪ King of kings
And lord of lords ♪

♪ And he shall reign ♪

♪ For ever and ever ♪

♪ For ever and ever
For ever and ever ♪

♪ Hallelujah hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah hallelujah ♪

[orchestra: Messiah continues]

[woman] ♪ I know that
My redeemer liveth ♪

♪ And that he shall stand ♪

♪ At the day ♪

♪ I know that my redeemer liveth ♪

♪ And that he shall stand ♪

♪ At the latter day upon the earth ♪

- Try it.
- I don't want to try it.

Try it. Just go "ahh."

Ahh.

Now breathe in through your nose.
[inhales] Hold your breath.

Now scream.

- Ahh!
- No, no.

- [exhales]
- Ahh!

Watch. Ahhh!

- Try it.
- Ahhh!

- Louder.
- Ahhh!

- Louder.
- [both screaming]

Hi.

I, uh, I want to welcome you all
to The Institute.

Uh, my name is Tim...

and I'm the leader
of this marathon group.

Well, leader's a bit strong.
Actually, I'm-I'm your guide.

As you know, we're going to try to go
24 hours without a break.

And, uh, we will have
two one-hour breaks for food,

and as far as sleep is concerned,
that's up to you.

There are no rules here.

If you fall asleep,
you fall asleep.

One rule, one rule.
No physical violence.

I mean, you might get angry
with someone, so,

so please don't clobber
him or her. [laughing]

Okay?
That's the only restriction.

We talk a lot about love...

but we don't feel it a lot.

So perhaps this marathon
will open up some doors.

So let's begin
by just introducing ourselves,

and stating briefly
why you are here.

My name is Conrad.

And I'm here because...

Because I'm 64 years old,

and I want to continue to grow
as a human being.

I don't know why I came here.
Uh, I really don't.

- Why do you feel you came here?
- I just said, I don't know.

Yeah, but why do you feel
you don't know?

Maybe I'm a little nervous.

We all are.

Thank you, Conrad.

Okay, we'll get back
to you later, Toby.

I guess I came here
because I'm having trouble with men.

Toby, we'll get back to you later.

But I can't say no to any man.

I'm Myrna.

I came because I want
a better orgasm.

It's just not good enough.

I'm Bob and I'm, uh,
I'm here because

I'm a documentary filmmaker

and, uh, I'm here to do research on
a piece I want to do on The Institute.

At least I think
that's why I'm here.

I'm Carol.

I'm Bob's wife, and, um...

I came because Bob came.

[Tim]
A hundred times a day

you just walk by people
you know.

Y-You chat, you nod hello,

but you don't really look
at each other.

I want you to look
at each other.

That's good, that's good.
See the other person.

Good. Say hello
with your eyes.

Try to make contact.

See the other person there.

Really, really look.

Just look and give.

And don't be afraid
to express what you feel.

Show the other person what you feel.
Show them who you are.

Just give of yourself.
Don't be afraid.

And really try
to make contact.

Really try to see.

That's good. Good.

Now show him what you feel.
Go ahead.

[Tim] Really try.

And learn-learn something
about the other person.

Good. By just looking...

and-and giving of yourself.

[Tim]
Just look and give.

Try to really learn something
about the other person.

- Open up. Open up.
- [chuckles]

That's good.
Show them what you feel.

[Tim] Don't be afraid
to have fun.

Good. Good.

Pound with those hands!

Pick something you don't like.
Good! Good!

- [shouting, grunting]
- Good.

Pound!

That's good. Good. Good!

Hit something you don't like.
Scream if you feel like it.

- Scream! Let it out!
- [all screaming]

Pound hard. Good. Good.

Go ahead. Scream. Scream.
Let it out, let it out.

- Scream!
- [screams]

Scream. Louder. Louder!

I want to see ugly faces.
Ugly faces!

[screaming]

[crying]

Give her a little support.
Come on.

[crying]

- [Bob] Open up.
- [sobbing]

- Open up.
- [Tim] Yeah. Yeah.

Let it out. Go ahead, cry.

Go ahead. Go ahead.
Beautiful.

Shh. Shh.

It's all right. Shh.

[Roger] I just don't know why

I've never been able
to do anything for myself.

I think the reason
that you feel so helpless, Roger...

is because you enjoy it.

Carol.

Don't tell Roger
what you think.

How do you feel about him?
Tell him how you feel about him.

I feel... sorry for him.

Thank you.

She wants to mother him.
She loves being a mother.

Not necessarily, Bob.

Oh, come on, honey.

Bob, you feel like getting
into Carol's circle?

No, I'm sorry.
I was just, uh, commenting.

You're dying to get in there.

Yeah, right, okay.
Yeah. Be delighted.

Bob, you can take my place.

Ah. Thank you, Conrad.

[Conrad]
You're welcome, Bob.

- [Bob clears throat]
- I feel very badly

about Conrad leaving my circle.

You're pretty hostile.

I feel very badly about Conrad
leaving my circle.

[clears throat]
You want me to leave?

- How do you feel about Myrna, Bob?
- I feel she's hostile.

Probably has to do
with wanting a better orgasm.

- You're full of crap.
- You're copping out.

[bearded man]
You're full of crap, man.

You're a hostile bitch.

[Tim]
Is that how you feel?

Is it?

[sighing]

Yeah. Yeah, I feel hostile.

Good. Good. Now you're dealing
with your feelings, you see?

[laughs]

Well, I feel you're all
attacking my husband.

Ah, thank you, dear.

- [woman laughing]
- That won't do here.

What do you feel about me?

I feel sorry for you.

[crying]

I-I feel...

that you don't... share.

[Carol sniffling]

I want you to look at me.

[sobs]

Please.

You're pushing me again.

You're making me do something.

- [Carol sobs]
- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

[sighs deeply]

[crying]

Bob, I want you to express
how you feel right now.

I feel guilty. I feel confused.

You gotta express it.

I feel I want Carol
to open to me more...

but that I close her up.

I force her to open.

[Bob] I'm sorry. I hide my feelings,
and I accuse you of hiding yours.

[sobs]

I-I do hide my feelings.

I'm af-afraid of you. [crying]

Bob, tell Carol
what you feel right now.

Tell her right now.

- [Carol sobbing]
- Tell her.

I love her.

I love you.

I-I know.

I want you to help me.

As long as I've known you...

I've always been afraid
to ask for your help.

[Carol] Oh, Bob.

I didn't know. [sobs]

Oh.

[Bob] Help me.

[Bob] He was so angry
all the time.

Really hostile. Really, really.
Remember the little guy?

Oh. This man sat there
for 20 hours, hardly saying a word.

Pathetic little 40-year-old,

Jimmy Cagney type of guy.

[Carol] All of a sudden,
he starts to cry.

"I'm impotent."

[Bob]
Like 40 years of--

[sighs]
of his terrible secret.

Something broke him.
Poor guy couldn't stop crying.

I feel moved now
just telling you about it.

It was beautiful.

And he was not miraculously cured...

because it doesn't work
that way,

but just being able
to say it out,

to a room full of
relatively unknown people

has got to be a way,
a beginning, to dealing with it.

I must say something now.

Which if I did not say it, I would be
playing games with myself.

What was that look before?

- What look?
- You know.

- The one to Alice just before.
- Oh, you mean that look?

- I didn't see the look.
- It was a put-down look.

- Oh, now, wait a minute.
- Come on.

Bob, that wasn't
a put-down look.

- No, it's okay if it was.
- It wasn't a put-down look.

- It's okay if it was. That's my whole--
- That wasn't a put-down look.

No, that's my whole point.

If you just get it out,
just deal with it,

or deal with me,
or with Carol or with Alice--

It was what it was.
I dealt with Alice.

But you didn't deal with Bob.

[laughs] Oh, come on.
You didn't even see the look.

Oh, come on, Alice.
I know that look.

Bob and I do it
all the time.

Oh, ho ho ho.

Oh, no. No "oh, ho ho."

That's what we used to do.

That's what we are trying
not to do ever again.

Ever.
With people that we love.

- And we love you.
- We know. I know that.

We really do, you know.
We really do love you.

And we really do love you.

We love you too.

[Bob] But we are not always
totally honest with each other.

Yes, we are. I have never lied to you.

Alice, do you like my outfit?

[Alice] I love it.

Alice, they don't want to know
what you think.

They want to know what you feel.

I feel...

that your outfit
is an important contribution

to an otherwise dull society.

No, man, don't do that.
Don't do that, please.

How can you feel about a dress?
It's not that important.

It's the most important thing
in the world, this dress.

If you don't care
about this dress,

you're on your way
to not caring about humanity.

That's patently absurd.

It's not--

What do you feel about...

my hair?

Your hair?

Well, uh, your hair.

I don't want to offend you,
but the majority of my day

isn't spent in ruminating
about your hair.

- Be honest, Ted.
- Your hair looks very good on you.

- You're full of crap.
- Cop-out.

- That's what we call a cop-out.
- [Carol] Yeah. That's a cop-out.

Can't you feel?
How do you feel about it?

Okay. I feel it's-it's a little long.

- That's beautiful.
- That's great. You see, that's--

You're starting-- He's starting
to open up right away.

As soon as you begin
to deal with things--

What you really feel is that
my hair is ridiculously long,

and that I'm a middle-aged guy

trying to look like a young hippie
or something.

Okay, okay. I think your hair
looks ridiculous.

- It's silly.
- That's gorgeous, man.

The truth is always beautiful.

That's... great.

- That's good? You like that?
- [Carol] That's beautiful.

- It's beautiful.
- Marvelous.

The truth is always beautiful.

Here, give me your hand.

Put your hand up here.
On top of hers.

I feel very close to you now.

I feel--

[sighs] I feel so moved,

so full of love.

Thank you. And I hope
everything was satisfactory.

Do you really, Emilio?

I beg your pardon, Mrs. Sanders.

I mean, do you really hope

and feel that you wish
the service was satisfactory?

Is that what you really feel?

There was nothing wrong
with the dinner? My service?

Honey. Honey.

Darling, what am I doing?
No, no. Of course not.

Your service was marvelous
and the dinner was great.

It's just that we were talking about

the fact that people
very seldom talk to each other.

I mean, I have been
coming in here for... a long time,

and I have never
really talked to you.

Was it the wine?

What do you expect
that poor man to do?

He does not know that your life
changed over the weekend.

Emilio, people find it very hard
to tell each other the truth.

Will there be anything else?

No. Thanks, Emilio.
It's beautiful. Thank you.

It must have been
some incredible weekend.

Excuse me.

Emilio, I'm sorry.

I made you
feel uncomfortable.

That's all right, Mrs. Sanders.

No, no. It's not all right.

Nobody should ever
make anybody feel uncomfortable.

You're a nice man.

[chuckles]

[Bob] Well, honey.

Listen, I got an early morning.

Uh, I feel I have to
say something first

before we go,
I really do.

- What?
- What?

[clicks tongue]

This could very well bug you, Bob,
but I feel I have to say it.

- Ted, what do you want to say?
- Alice, I feel I have to say this.

Go.

I feel you should pay
for the check.

- [all laughing]
- [Bob] I knew it. Oh, Ted.

I felt that.
I really felt that.

I really feel
you should pay for it.

[dog barking]

[barking continues]

Thanks.

- Hey.
- Gosh.

- [Bob] Hi.
- Mm-mmm.

- I missed you.
- And I missed you.

- Martini on the plane?
- Yeah, two, a matter of fact.

Here on the stairs,
or wait till I unpack?

- Stairs. [laughs]
- [chuckles]

How did the shooting go?

It went well.
Very well indeed.

Got some great footage.

Cameraman is-- I don't know.
This new guy's something else.

He's got some
all kind of juice goin'.

I don't really understand.

He's very involved
with the material.

You know, a cameraman.
And he's involved.

And no hostility, no envy.

He's got something going for him
that I wish I had.

Oh, you're getting there.

- [Bob grunts]
- [Carol] Oh.

[laughs] Hey, nutty.

What did you buy me, Daddy?

What did I buy you? Is that all
I ever get when you come home?

[whistle blows]
That's what you get!

[all laughing]

I got you something, but you
don't get it till tomorrow morning.

Turn loose.
Hey, turn loose, turn loose.

- Come on, darling.
- I need my whistle!

I want to see it now!

Well, you can see it
in the morning.

[papers rustling]

[laughs]

A tiger!

Darling, look at your nice toy
that Daddy got you. Look.

It can bite your nose
right off.

You can make it bite off
an entire nose!

Put your hand up. Okay.

Come on. You ready
to do our number?

- [Carol] Whoo!
- [Bob] Okay.

[Sean]
Night-night.

Now, are you ready?
There. Okay.

Underneath. Turn around.
Get underneath.

Get underneath.
Come on. Underneath.

Deep down.

- Brrrr.
- [Bob] Sayonara.

[growling]

I have a tiger in my eye!

Get out of my eye, tiger.
Get out of my eye, tiger.

[both growling]

That tiger, it keeps going
in my eye all the time.

What did you do
in San Francisco?

Well, I made a movie.

Will it be on TV?

Yeah, honey,
it's going to be on TV,

but it'll be a while,
you know, before it's on.

I want to watch it now.

Well, you can't watch it now,
because it's not ready yet to be watched.

When will it be finished?

Like always, I have to take it
to the cutting room first

and put the different pieces together.

[growling]

Ow.

Whistle for you.
One whistle.

One whistle
and right to sleep.

- [blows whistle]
- Okay, that's all.

Good night, Son.

Good night. Mwah!

Good night.

Tell tiger a story.

No. No stories now. Go to sleep.

Hug, hug.

[giggling]

[whistling]

- [blows whistle]
- [imitates whistle]

That's beautiful.

[whistling]

[whispering] Go to sleep.

Nighty-night.

Leave the door open.

[lock clicking]

He can whistle.

[Carol laughs]

[sighing]

You're probably tired.

I had an affair in San Francisco.

It just happened and, uh, I owe it...

to you, and to us, to say so.

[breathes deeply]

It was last night.

And when we finished up,
the soundman had

brought this girl as an assistant.

Blonde, uh, she was nice.

The girl, she asked
for a ride home and, uh...

We wound up in my hotel room, and...

we made, uh--

Affair is the wrong word.
We had intercourse.

That's what we had.

Well?

I-I'm not sure how I feel.

Uh, let me see.

[sighing]
How do I feel right this minute?

[sighing]

Uh, I feel...

I don't feel upset. I really don't.

I'm...

I don't feel surprised.

I-I feel strange.

I don't feel jealous.

You must feel jealous.

Maybe I'm kidding myself.

I mean, maybe I'm hiding
something from myself.

That's it. You're hiding.

Let me hear it again.

Now, what happened
when you were in San Francisco?

Come on, honey!

I made it with another chick.

- Are you in love with her?
- No, of course not.

It was a purely physical thing?

Yes, absolutely!

Oh, darling, I-I mean,

I don't see how I can feel jealous
about a purely physical thing

you had with some dumb blonde.

Now, wait a minute. Not dumb.
She just got her master's at Berkeley.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

- Well, how old is she?
- Twenty.

Oh.

That's the same age as my kid sister.

You are hostile.

Darling, I'm not.

No, I was thinking how close Amy is
to being a woman, that's all.

You're playing games
with me.

I'm not!

Yeah, you are. Playing games.

Playing an emancipated woman,

a hip chick that doesn't care
what her husband does.

I care very much what you do.

You don't care what I do.
That's perfectly obvious.

Otherwise you wouldn't be
sitting there on top of a volcano

that wants to spew out of you,
and you won't let it do it.

You know what you're doing?
You are trying to make me react again.

You feel guilty, and you're trying
to make me punish you.

I did a terrible thing.
I cheated!

My darling, you did not do
a terrible thing.

You told me about it.

If you hadn't have told me,
then that would have been cheating.

I know what cheating is.

Cheating is when you ball a chick
that's not your wife. That's cheating!

[Carol] Ohhh.

[sighing] Oh, God.

Oh.

Oh.

I feel...

closer to you than I've ever felt
in my whole life.

Oh.

I feel that you're--

you're sharing something so personal.

I feel very moved that you trust me.

Oh.

You didn't do anything wrong.

You're an attractive,
beautiful man.

And you love your wife,
and you love your child,

and you didn't do anything wrong.

And I love you.

What was she like?

- Huh?
- The girl.

Very nice.

- Pretty?
- Yeah.

She looked a little like Candy Bergen.

Too bad she didn't look
like Edgar Bergen.

You are jealous.

Oh, I'm joking.

I'm just making a joke.

Can't I be curious
without being jealous?

Carol, we had sex. That's all.

Well, who made the first move?

Well, you know, when you, uh--

Show me.

Oh, come on.

Oh, come on, come on.

Tell me what happened after that.

Well, we wound up
in my hotel room, and, uh...

[clearing throat]
Then we started fooling around.

Did you undress her?

[sighing]

I don't remember
whether I undressed her or not.

You remember.

Yeah, I undressed her.

Kissing?

Y-Yeah.

Good?

Well, yeah.

As good as me?

No, you're better.

How much?

A lot.

Grade me.

Better. A lot better.

[Bob sighing]

Oh, Bob, I know one thing
if I know nothing else in the world.

It's a beautiful world!

Thank you. You're marvelous.

[man] Beautiful. Beautiful.

- Carol, good night.
- Good night.

Thank you.

- Yeah, good night.
- I love you.

- Good night.
- I love you.

See you soon.

[all chattering]

The gazpacho was astonishing.
Great meal, Carol.

You know, I love the Strickners,
and the Hammers,

but whenever they start to leave,

it's like a movie
with 10 false endings.

[Alice] Oh, Sue's little boy
is seeing a therapist.

[Bob] I didn't know that.

[Alice] Now, don't mention it.

Why? It's nothing
to be ashamed of.

I agree, but it's nothing
I'd like to--

- [Ted] What's his problem?
- He runs away from school.

How old is he?

- [Alice] Five and a half.
- I hated kindergarten.

Where does he run to?

They live across the street
from the school, and he runs home.

[stereo: soft jazz]

This is great stuff.
I'm warning you now. Get ready.

Choo, choo.

Hold on now.
Hold on to it, my man.

Is this Acapulco gold?

Uh, no, this is beautiful
downtown Burbank brown,

but it's very heavy stuff.

[coughing]

[coughing]

It's strong. [coughs]

- [sighs]
- [coughing]

That thing just burns.
I don't know how you can--

Well, you just gotta let
it happen, honey.

I never get high.

[Ted coughs]

My ears are beginning to get warm.

I never get high.

Well, I am totally and completely
zonked out of my skull.

Did you see Norma's lipstick?

I mean, you know, a little
too much lipstick is one thing,

but when it's up to there.

That's very hostile, my dear.
Very hostile.

[laughs] Just remind me,
and I'll send you a demo.

I'll send you
a groovy, peaceful demo.

And I'll wrap it in my Nehru jacket
and my peaceful beads.

And then I will groovily
and peacefully

drive your 18-year-old babysitter home

and groove her
a peaceful, groovy baby.

- Mmm.
- [coughing]

Carol?

The gazpacho... was astonishing.

Absolutely astonishing.

[Carol]
Absolutely astonishing.

[all laughing]

Astonishing.

- It is astonishing.
- Astonishing.

- Oh.
- [laughing]

You have a case tomorrow,
adorable one.

You are too much,
my sweet, unstoned

mother of my only son,
who I love.

You're too much.

I never get high.
Doesn't matter how much I try.

[both laughing]

[soft jazz continues]

No, you know
what I think it is?

I really think the reason
I'm afraid is because

you are an attorney, and we could
get into a potful of trouble.

- Potful. Pot. [laughs]
- [Bob chuckling]

No, really.

I love you anyway.

[song ends]

Mmm. Well.

Hey. Hey.

Sweetheart.

I, uh, told you
about this phobia.

You both look so beautiful.

You ready to go home?

You really do.

[Bob] Hey, how about me?

You look very,
very beautiful.

- I hope so.
- Mmm.

[kissing]

Hey. I sense--
[chuckles]

Marital... passion.

You sense well.

You gonna play
tennis tomorrow?

Mmm! Mmm,
I reserved a court.

- [Bob] Tomorrow?
- Junkie, come on. Let's go home.

- [Alice] Come on.
- [Carol laughs]

[Bob] It just works slow on her.

[Carol moaning]

[Bob, Carol giggling]

[Alice] Come on.

- See ya.
- Oh, the gazpacho was gorgeous.

Astonishing.

[Carol] Bye.

Oh.

I love you so much.

I really love you.

I want to share something
beautiful with you.

Bob had an affair
when he was in San Francisco.

[laughing]

It-It wasn't an affair.
It was-- It was just sex.

But he told me all about it.

And I just-- I had to share it with you,
'cause it's so beautiful.

[kisses] I really love you.

I love you. Oh.

See you tomorrow
for tennis. 'Night.

I have such hostility for Bob,
I cannot tell you.

I thought she was gonna tell us
she was pregnant or something.

How could she tell us?

"I have great news for you.
Bob just had an affair." Wow.

Ted, I think I'm gonna be sick.

Here.

I have to have water for that.

Look, we'll be home
in a couple of minutes.

Ted, I am going to throw up!

Relax. Relax.

[man over speaker]
Your order, please.

A glass of water, please.

I don't know how
I'm gonna face him tomorrow.

- We're supposed to play tennis?
- Did you read the menu?

- Just a glass of water.
- What else would you like?

No. All I want is
a glass of water.

We have tacos, enchiladas,
chili rellenos, cheeseburgers,

bonus burgers, hot dogs,
potato chips, barbeque chips.

I am going to throw up.

All right, look, let me have

a, uh, taco
and a large glass of water.

Anything else to drink?

No, I just want a glass of water!
Don't you understand that?

I'm not hungry.
All I want to do is get you water.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, my God. I'm sick.

I really am. I'm sick.

Absolutely sick from this thing.

How could she tell us, Ted?
How she just came--

I have such hostility for Bob,
I cannot tell you.

I feel sorry
for both of them.

I feel sorry for her.
How can she live with him?

- Honey, please don't do that now.
- I'm almost finished.

I have a headache, and you
are shaking the whole house.

What are you at now?

810.

My head won't take 500 more.
Will you stop?

- Let me go to nine.
- Please. Will you stop it!

[panting]

[exhaling]
Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

I had the same feeling
when Mother died.

I don't want to
see them anymore.

- You don't want to see Carol?
- How am I gonna face her?

What, we're supposed to
play tennis?

Gee, I can understand you
being uncomfortable with Bob.

Maybe she came--
She just came right out and told us.

- We have to help them.
- How are we going to help?

I don't know yet, but we--

Yeah, well, you will have to
help your friend Bob.

Look, hopefully it happened
and it's over,

and that's all there is to it.

You know what I think it all is?

What?

Instead of her saying
that Bob had an affair,

and "he told me, and I'm leaving him,"
which is what she feels--

Absolutely.

She's covering it all up.

Now, why Bob did it's another story.
I don't know why he told her.

He's probably very guilty, you know?

And in the spirit of this whole
confrontation thing, he told her.

Well, it's-- it's not
the most intelligent thing to do.

I wish he'd told me first.

He didn't tell you? You didn't
know anything about it at all?

No. I was as surprised
as you were.

Do you know that you've not said
one thing about what Bob has done?

Well, he's done a terrible thing.
I agree with you.

He's asking for trouble.
But he wants trouble.

Alice, there must be 50 million men
having an affair right this second,

and not one of them's
gonna go and tell his wife,

and Bob has to go and tell Carol.

The point is not
that he told her.

The point is that he did it.

That he cheated on his wife.
That he cheated on Carol.

I agree. That's bad.

But I think you'll agree with me

that if he hadn't told her,
there'd be no problem.

There'd be no problem if he hadn't
done it, if he hadn't cheated!

All I'm trying to say is that
if we're examining the dumbness,

it was dumb of him to tell her.

The other thing was just physical.

If he needs it that badly,
let him go and get it.

Let him go and get it.

Oh, I don't know. Look,
thank heavens it's not my problem.

I am very pleased
about that.

- Come on.
- No, I really am.

- Gives me a great feeling of security.
- Come on!

It really does. It's something
I know you'd never do.

- Alice, don't say it even.
- Nothing could make you do that.

[kissing sounds]
Good night, baby.

I'm turned on enough by you.

I don't need anything else.

Mmm. [kisses] Mmm.

Honey, please don't do that now.

Oh, come on, Alice.

Baby, I'm just-- I'm just not
in the mood at all. Okay?

Do you want to watch some television?

Mm-mmm.

Would it bother you if I watched some?

No. No, honey, you can watch.
Just keep it low, okay?

You want me to give you a massage?

- Let me give you a massage.
- Honey, I don't--

- I'll give you a massage.
- I don't feel like a mass--

I just wish you wouldn't
touch me now. That's all.

- All right.
- Ted, can--

- All right.
- Can you understand?

Can you understand
what happened? Can you?

It turns me off, completely.

You don't mind if I sleep here?

[sighing]

Now, don't be silly.

[sighing]
I understand, Alice. I understand.

I think I'll take a walk.

Oh, honey, no, don't, don't--
Please, Ted, don't--

Don't go for a walk. Please?

I feel so nervous.

I have this--

this energy in me, Alice,
this excess--

Why don't you do your exercises?

I'll take a walk.

No, please, Ted.
I don't want you--

Please don't walk.
Please don't.

- You want me to stay?
- Please stay.

Will you stay, please?

I'll just stay up.

Oh, thank you.

I know, hon. I know.

Okay, honey. Okay?

Yeah, I'm--

- Okay, honey.
- We'll go to sleep.

- Good night, Ted.
- [Ted sighs] Good night, Alice.

[sighs loudly]

[Ted sighs]

- Alice.
- Honey.

- Alice, come on.
- Honey, I asked you not to.

- Alice, we haven't done it in so--
- Will you please stop?

Will you just stop it!

- I'm taking a walk.
- What? Don't walk, just stay!

Make up your mind, will ya?

Is that the only option
I have?

Alice, I'm still high,

and I'm stimulated and aroused.

- Don't take it out on me.
- Ted--

Ted, do you want me
to do something against my will?

Now, do you? Do you want me to do
something against my will? Do you?

No, I don't want you
to do anything against your will.

All right, but please
don't take a walk. Okay?

[both sighing]

Were you in the mood
before you found out?

'Cause I was in the mood then.

Before, when we were in the car.

- Were you in the mood then?
- Oh, yeah. Well, you know--

I thought we'd come home--

- 'Cause I was--
- [indistinct]

I was really--

I really was in the mood.

I really, really...

Why don't we just forget
about what she told us?

[laughing]

[kisses, laughs]

- I know.
- Just--

I know. I know.

I know that you are in the mood.

But, honey, I'm not. Now, look.

Oh.

Do you want to do it just like that,
with no feeling on my part?

Yeah.

[sighing]
Go ahead. Do what you want.

- Come on, Alice.
- Do what you have to do.

- I'm gonna watch television.
- Here! Here! Here!

- Alice, you're making it very cheap!
- You pick an incredible time!

Maybe it is. Maybe it is
an incredible time, Alice.

I don't know, Alice.
I just can't seem to con--

control my drives.

Honey, I'm sorry. I really am.
I'm just-- I'm so upset about Carol.

I'm upset for both of them, Alice.

But I'm getting more upset
for myself.

[sighing]

I don't know.
I'm beginning to become a--

Never mind. [sighs]

What do you mean?

- I have a headache.
- What's the matter?

There's this incredible band
around my head, Alice?

- Well, what can I--
- Oh!

- What do you want me to do?
- Alice, just--

- What can I do?
- Rub the back of my neck.

- I have this... incredible knot.
- Right here?

- Is it right there?
- [groans]

Is that good? Oh.

You poor baby. You were--
You were affected by this thing too.

You're all tense.

[muffled groan]

There?

Oh, yeah.

Is that better?

Oh, yes.

- It's better.
- Okay?

Oh.

All over? Is that good?

Oh, that feels perfect.

[moans]

I wonder if they'll get a divorce.

I doubt it.

The thing that annoys me
more than anything else,

is that she's back at that house--

- Did you take your pill?
- No, I'll take it later.

Why do you think she told us?
She just came right out and told us.

- Alice, I'm very excited.
- I don't--

I don't feel that way!

- I'm gonna take a walk!
- No, I don't wanna be left alone!

I wish I had a dog!
I'd take him for a walk!

Let me take a walk, Alice!

Go do whatever you want.
I don't really care what you do. Go--

[sighing]

Get the pills from the dresser.

Huh?

[sighs] Get the pills from the dresser.

Are you sure? I wouldn't want you
to do anything against your will.

Get them.

[Alice giggles]

[laughing]

What's the matter?

What's-- Now, what's so funny?

What's so--

- Alice, what's the matter?
- I'm out.

- What do you mean?
- There are no more pills! [laughing]

What do you mean,
you have no more pills?

Look, I'm sorry.
I forgot to reorder.

You forgot your--
How could you forget?

Honey, I don't know. I forgot.

- You--
- I forgot.

That's the cruelest thing I ever--
You forgot? You don't forget.

Honey, I forgot to reorder.
I don't know--

Okay, right, fine.
It's just as well.

I understand.
You know, it's really--

I have a case tomorrow morning.

- [laughs]
- And I really--

- Honey, now, come--
- No, no, it's quite--

- It's quite-- No, no, Alice.
- What do you--

No, no, what?
Sweetie, I didn't do it purposely.

I understand the problems
that you have,

- and it's just as well that--
- [laughing]

- Baby, now look--
- No, please, don't touch me.

[all] ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Sean ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

[cheering]

Now make a wish, darling.
Make a wish.

Make a secret wish.
Wish to yourself.

Carol, you're in the way.

Oh, I'm sorry, darling.

Blow out the candles now.

Honey, you're telling him what to do.
Let him do it for himself.

I'm sorry, darling.
Take a deep breath.

I want to blow out too.

No, Christopher, it's not your birthday,
it's Sean's birthday.

Let him blow too.
What's the big deal?

Why are you countermanding
everything I say? You just--

I'm not countermanding--

- Then you handle it all.
- What, he wants to blow.

Take a big-- Oh!

Terrific! Oh, good boy.

You don't have to start
in front of everybody.

No one can hear us talking
because we're clenching our teeth?

Maria. [speaking Spanish]

[speaking Spanish]

[speaking Spanish]

Uh, um-- [speaking Spanish]

Bob thinks he's shooting
Gone with the Wind.

Is that a Bell & Howell?

I don't know.
Maybe it's a Japanese one.

- A Yashica.
- Yeah.

Carol? Can I help you with that?

No, thanks. That's all right.

The kids are really having
a wonderful time.

I know.

What was that about?

Honey, you know I love you.

Well, I love you.

You know, I've been
afraid to talk to you?

I-I never know when you're serious.

[Sean] I want to
open my presents.

Be right there, darling.
Can you take these?

[Alice] Carol, I want you to know
I have been very upset.

[Carol] I didn't know that.

I'll be right back, all right?

Okay.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Okay.

Ted?

Explain it to me.
You went into the voting booth--

I went in and,
you understand,

I just stood there.

I chose at that moment
to have a personal moment.

- You understand?
- But you didn't vote.

I wanted something more
out of the day

than my particular vote
could have afforded me perhaps.

I wish you'd understand that.

- I told her how upset I was.
- Oh, yeah? What did she say?

- She was sorry.
- All right.

[Bob] Coming in for a tight shot.

- [Ted] What do you want us to do?
- You could rip her blouse off.

I'd like to sell this thing.

[laughs] I don't know what to do.
I can't rip her blouse off.

[engine revving]

Sorry.

Do you think we can do
a turn in the show?

I think our dress is--

They expect a thousand people.

- I think everybody showed up.
- Do we have a table?

Yes, Phyllis Korwin's
on the committee

and she said she'd be
holding a table for us.

[band: rock]

Drinks are $2,
and here's $20 worth. Okay.

- I'll see you later.
- [Carol] See you later.

Oh, look, there's, uh, Sammy Davis Jr.

- Where?
- There's Alan Landsburg.

Who's Alan Landsburg?

A friend of mine.

[girl] Hi, Bob.

Hi.

That's a pretty girl.

- Who is she?
- [Carol] I know who she is.

San Francisco.

You have good taste.

I love you.

I love you.

You're both sick.

Alice.

It's wrong!

It's wrong, that's why--

All sick.

I don't know
what we were talking about.

Difficulty having relationships
with your husband.

Yes, that's right.

Tell me about it.

Yes, I don't feel like
doing it. That's all.

When did you stop
enjoying it?

I just don't want to be touched.

Several weeks ago.

I am a very happy person
most of the time.

What makes you a happy person?

What do you mean, what makes
me happy? I mean, I like my husband,

I love my child, and I love going
places, and I love our friends, and--

Yeah, I mean, I love--
I real-- I love my friends.

I still love them.
I mean, I love them very much.

It's just that they're just--

Well, that's all
that's on their minds is sex.

Sex, sex, sex.

And sex, if it's on
your mind all the time,

it can't be
a very good thing, can it?

I mean, shouldn't it just happen?
It used to just happen.

Are you aware that earlier you said that

you like your husband
and you love your child?

No, I don't remember
saying that.

No, I don't.
I mean, I love my husband.

You do love him?

Of course I love him!

- Did I say that?
- Yes.

You said, "I like my husband
and I love my child."

"I like Ted." Now, that's--
that's just a figure of speech.

I mean, that's how you say--
Oh, listen.

Well, you know, I have a child.

Oh, I have a wonderful...

My child. Tsk.

Wonderful. Well-behaved.

I have never had
a day's problem with Jimmy.

Five. He's a wonderful boy.

Am I supposed to say
everything that I'm thinking about?

Jimmy saw us naked.

I mean, sometimes we--

[sighing]

walk around undressed,
we don't put clothes on.

I mean, that kind of thing
doesn't embarrass us.

I mean that
when Jimmy is in the room,

or walks in the room,
and I don't have any clothes on,

I don't put clothes on just because
he walks in the room.

But I was
just thinking that I...

got angry at him once.

I don't know.

I think it was
because Bob and I--

Did I say Bob?

That was a Freudian slip.

Ted.

Ted and I.

The way you're looking at me.

[laughing]

Ted and I were gonna have sex,
and we wanted to have sex...

and...

Well, Jimmy walked into the room.

And it was daytime,

and I got nervous, so I scolded him

for not knocking at the door
before he walked in, and--

Oh, he's so cute.
You know how children are.

I mean, they're very curious.

[sighing]

Well, he wanted to know
why I had a tee-tee.

Par-Pardon me?
I don't know what a tee-tee is.

A vagina.

Oh, it's a pet expression of yours?

Yes, you know words.

Tee-tee, tinkle, po-po,
wee-wee, kee-kee, poo-poo.

I'd never heard of tee-tee before.

What expression
do you use with your children?

Vagina.

[sighing]

I'm really very embarrassed
by this whole thing. I really am.

I don't have anything else
to say. I really don't.

When we come up to the sex,
you become embarrassed.

What would you like--
What am I supposed to say?

I have no wants. Say what--
what you think you'd like to say.

Do you think I need this?

Do you really think
that you can help me?

Well, I think it'd be useful
to talk some more.

I don't know for sure
if I can help you or not.

Do you think you can help yourself?

Ted is a very nervous man!

Now s-sex is very important to a man.

You know that.

Well, it seems that our time
is up for today.

Maybe I don't trust Ted?

Well, let's talk about that on Thursday.

Do you think that
that's a possibility?

That maybe that's
what it's about?

Let's continue Thursday,
and we'll discuss it at that time, hmm?

Is it possible that I was being hostile
to Carol? Could that--

I don't know why it could be.
Why do you think--

Our hour is over. We ought to
take that up on Thursday.

I resented her. Why was that?

We play tennis, we--

Sounds like we have
a lot to talk about,

but let's do it
at the next meeting.

The same time.
We must stop now.

Sean!

Put on your life jacket!

Jimmy! Cut it out!

[chuckling]

Jimmy! No running around the pool.

Alice looks terrific,
doesn't she?

Uh, I'm going up to San Francisco
again this weekend.

You gonna see
the blonde?

I don't know. I--

I thought you didn't want to know
about that kind of thing.

Oh, right, I don't.

Do me a favor.

If you come back
and you have great news,

don't tell Alice, okay?

Most of the time I just sit there.
Nothing to say.

Well, something's happening.
I can tell.

Really?

Well, I definitely
do not have that animosity

towards you and Bob anymore.

I know.

But you know,
I still think you're crazy.

That's your problem.
That's your bag.

Maria, mas salsa, por favor.

Well, I really can't tell anymore

whether it's coming
out of your mouth or hers or what.

You have never
in your whole life

had such prurient thoughts
yourself, is that it?

Oh, I've thought about it.

Hi there.

I couldn't help noticing you.

I find you actually
an extremely attractive man.

I would like to give you
a little jump up.

I realize, of course,
that you're married,

but I promise
there'll be no complications.

You know, there's a double standard
operating here,

and I'm not gonna play that game.

I am not gonna do anything
I don't want my wife to do.

And you know something?

I don't believe
that you could handle it

if Carol had an affair, God forbid.

I could handle it.

Go play-- Go play over there.

I've looked at other women.

I've had feelings.
I just never ever--

[Jimmy]
Let's play choo-choo train!

Go play over--

[Jimmy]
Choo-choo train! Let's go!

Remember when I went to
New York last year?

I had a lot
of work to do.

I was there for
two and a half days.

So they assigned me one of
those temporary secretaries.

And she was--

[Carol]
Here's your drink, darling.

- [Bob] Thank you very much.
- Ted, do you want one?

No, no, no.

[children squealing]

She was a very lovely woman.

Naomi.

You wouldn't know her.
She lives in New York.

She was divorced, and, uh,

she was earning a living,
and she was beautiful.

Well, we were working late,
and, uh, there was an attraction.

You know, when a woman looks at you,
and you know. You know?

I know.

No, I've never ever strayed.

Never.

We were working late, and...

we had a drink.

In my hotel room.

And I don't know how it happened...

but suddenly we were kissing.

And her mouth was open.

That's beautiful.
See, that's a lovely thing.

It was fantastic.

It was really-- It was exciting.

And I'd just spoken to Alice
a couple of minutes before,

to say hello and see
how the kids were, you know?

And I had this terrible feeling
of ambivalence,

you know, at my pleasure.

I don't believe it.

I couldn't go on with it.

It was so frustrating.

She wanted to go to--
Naomi wanted to go to bed.

How could you, man?

How can you let a moment

disappear out of your life
that will never ever come again?

And it won't come again.

Do you realize you're here
for about 10 seconds?

For Pete's sake.

It's part of life.
It's meant to be lived.

Yeah, but I had such guilt.

Look at you, man, you got
the guilt anyway. Don't waste it.

[children squealing]

Hi, my name is Ted.
Ted Henderson.

I'm, uh, on my way to Miami
for a legal convention.

I'm married.

I have a wonderful,
wonderful child.

My wife's name is Alice.

I've never,
never, ever strayed.

Once. Almost.
With Naomi in New York.

That was--
I almost did then.

I know there's no chance
for us to have an affair,

but I'm just trying to
seize the moment, you know?

I know that's
an intellectual statement, but, uh--

And there's absolutely
no chance for me.

Like I said, I'm married. Alice and I
have been married for 12 years.

Twelve years.

[sighs]

We feel differently about sex
than your generation.

Anyway, it's been
very nice talking to you.

You seem like
a very nice person.

Well, I'd better go now.

I mean, obviously you have
no interest in having any kind of--

[stewardess]
We're in Miami.

...sexual encounter with me.

[people chattering]

Hi. My name is Ted.
Ted Henderson.

I'm, uh, on my way to Miami
for a legal convention.

[woman] I'll cut in
three frames from the end.

Yeah. It'll do.

Okay.

Well, listen,

it's been a pleasure
working with you, honey.

- You're very good.
- Thank you.

You ever want to work
in Los Angeles, let me know.

You catching
a plane tonight?

Oh, uh, I don't know.

Steak, baked potatoes,
garlic toast, and gin?

All we need is vermouth.

Well, I think I'll go home.

Next time.

Next time. Good night.

Good night.

Oh, I thought you were
coming back tomorrow.

Nope. Finished early.

Um, Bob, um, I--

That's a marvelous scent.
You smell wonderful.

- Thank you, darling.
- But I did miss you.

- Bob...
- In San Francisco, honey,

in San Francisco,
no scenes of any kind.

Oh, well, you could've.

Anything you do
is all right with me.

But I love you.

I love you.

Bob--

You'd better get yourself ready,

'cause one of the great ones
is coming your way.

- Bob, I have to tell you something.
- Go ahead, tell me.

Don't open the door.

Oh.

You bought me something.

No. Uh--

There's someone in there.

What, is it Sean or what?

No. There's a man in there.

Doing what? What do you mean
there's a man in there?

I'm having an affair.

- He's in there now.
- What the hell are you talking about?

I'm having an affair.

What are you doing to me?

Actually, affair is the wrong word.

What do you mean?
What are you doing to me?

How can you react this way?

Where's my child? Sean!

He's at my mother's.

Who's in there?

A man.

Who is it?

- Do you want to know his name?
- Who is he?

Just don't give me any names.

Is there really somebody in there
right now? Right this second?

Yes, of course.
Open the door.

I'll kill him!
I'll kill the son of a bitch!

This is the man who held my face

and said to me that we should be
open with each other?

Everything I do,
you have to do?

I didn't do it
because you did it!

Why then?

- I did it because I wanted to do it.
- Oh, why, God almighty?

- Why?
- Because.

Because I wanted to do it.

I just wanted to see
if I could do it.

Why in my house?
Why in my bed?

Well, Bob, I mean, it just seemed
like a convenient thing.

Uh, you were not going to be here.

He's not in my pajamas, is he?

Tsk, no!

I'm sorry.

Why didn't you call me?

Why couldn't you
have called me and said:

"Bob, I want to have an affair.

Please, can I have an affair?
Call me."

Bob, I mean, I couldn't do that.

You can't call to ask for permission.

Yeah, well, it's something.

Well, you always call me, darling.

And this time you didn't call.

- I need a drink.
- What would you like?

- You want me to get it for you, darling?
- Nope. [sighs]

I have to get this out
and get it dealt with.

Go back inside and tell him
to put his clothes on,

come downstairs,
and have a drink with us.

I'll tell him. [kisses]

That his, uh,
car outside?

Yes.

A Chevy?

The Maserati.

He's afraid to come down.
He's afraid you're gonna hit him.

I'm not gonna hit him.

Oh, for--

Hit him in my house. That's beautiful.

Uh--

Listen, I'm not going to hit.

There isn't going to be any hitting.

We don't do that in this house.

It's a nonviolent household.

We don't even allow
any war toys in the house.

Sir? Hello.

He really is scared, poor guy.

- Hello?
- Tsk.

I never should have brought him here.

Yes, you should. You did
the right thing. You were open.

No, no. I didn't.

I did the wrong thing.

No, you did not.

Oh, you don't-- You know, you don't
bring 'em to your own house.

Look, I didn't have
your kind of courage.

I had to do it in a cheap hotel room
in San Francisco.

[sighing]

You brought him
right into your own home.

[kissing]

You make me feel like a little kid.
Five years old.

Wants to have his cake
and eat it,

and doesn't want
anybody else to have any.

Oh, I love you.

Oh, my God.

Insight.

Oh, for the love of...

[sighs] Lights are going on, baby,
in my head. Lights going on. Insight.

[chuckles] What happened?

What actually took place?

What really,
actually did happen?

You had a thing with a man.

- Huh?
- Yes.

- You already had it, didn't you?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, then, nobody's hurt.

- Is anybody hurt?
- No.

Uh, physical.
It was a physical thing.

- No love?
- No. None whatsoever.

[laughing]

Well, what the--
What-- For heaven's sake.

Hey, hey! Hey, listen, man,
you decent? I'm coming in.

Hi.

I'm, uh, Bob Sanders, Carol's husband.

And I'm not gonna hit you
or anything like that.

It's nice to know you.

Uh, I-I have seen you
at the tennis courts.

Yes, I teach tennis.

I'm very embarrassed.

Oh, listen.

Come on now.
That's what I was trying to say.

You mustn't be embarrassed,
and you mustn't feel ill at ease.

I don't want that.
Please, sit down.

Yeah.

Uh--

- Would you like to have a drink?
- Yes, thank you.

Okay. Carol, could we, uh, uh--

Wait a minute.
What would you like?

Pernod.

Uh, I don't think
we have any Pernod, do we?

- Scotch is fine.
- We haven't had-- Oh, scotch?

Yeah, sure. Listen,
I got, uh, Teachers. J & B?

Uh, let's see, we've got,
uh, uh, Cutty Sark.

Uh, I've got some
12-year-old Ballantine.

- Ballantine would be nice.
- Ballantine. That's beautiful.

Let's have a couple of Ballantines.
Mine on the rocks, uh--

On the rocks with
a little water, please.

- Little water for--
- Okay.

I don't think I actually, uh--
I didn't get your name before.

Horst.

H-O-R-S-T.

- Horst.
- Hor-- Oh, Horst.

Yeah.

Well. Listen, we--
[chuckling]

My wife and I,
you know, Carol and I,

recently we had a--

well, a weekend, uh, experience.

They call it-- It's, uh--
At a place called The Institute.

I know. Carol told me about it.

Oh. Well, then you know

that we've been experimenting
in the whole field of, uh,

of sexual freedom.

I believe in that.

I know. And, uh, that's why,
among other things,

I'd like to apologize
for all of that... shouting.

- No.
- No, no, no, I mean it.

I didn't mean to--
I was caught a little off-balance.

I feel very uncomfortable
sitting here in your bedroom.

Oh, please, I don't want you
to feel that way.

The one thing that isn't necessary
is for you to--

I was just telling Horst
that it really is

very unnecessary for him to feel
uncomfortable that he should be--

- Oh, that's good.
- You are one hell of a guy.

- Didn't I tell you?
- Well, I'm trying.

You've got a lot of class.

Thank you.

[all] ♪ Old Hogan's goat ♪

[Bob] ♪ Was feeling fine ♪

♪ Was feeling fine ♪

♪ Old Hogan's goat was feeling fine ♪

♪ He ate three red shirts off my line ♪

♪ I ain't gonna feed that goat no more ♪

♪ I ain't gonna feed
That goat no more ♪

♪ I ain't gonna feed that goat no more ♪

♪ I ain't gonna feed
That goat no more ♪

♪ Did you bring any pot? ♪

♪ Did you bring any? ♪

Any what?

You fool!

♪ Shirts off my line ♪

♪ Shirts off my line ♪

♪ Old Hogan's goat was feeling fine ♪

♪ He ate three red shirts off my line ♪

♪ I ain't gonna feed that goat no more ♪

[all shouting]

[Bob] Look out! And--

Hey! Hey, hello there!

Hello there!
How ya feeling there?

[all chattering]

[Ted] Oh, so this is the Riviera.
Where's the concert theater?

Oh, I have money.
I have money.

Oh, good, let's go over there.

- I'll give you some money later.
- Okay.

- Sanders? Sanders party?
- Right, sir.

We're gonna get ourselves a suite,
we're gonna do some heavy gambling.

How do you spell Sanders?

S-A-N-D-E-R-S.

- Sanders? Sanders.
- Yes, that's right.

Room 934.

I'll bet you $100 on 934.

You don't bet here,
you bet there.

I'm betting $100 on 934.

Oh, I'm glad we're here!

Honey, two jackpots.
Two jackpots.

[Alice, Carol chattering]

Wait. One more.

- [coins clinking]
- [Alice, Carol squealing]

[laughing]

[Carol] We won!

- Do you believe this?
- Okay.

Sorry, folks.
We're just checking in.

Do you believe it?

Honey, can we come back
and play?

- Wasn't that terrific?
- Yes, sure. Wonderful.

Well, you just
give him a kiss for us

and tell him we'll bring him back
some chips, okay?

Good-bye.

[humming]

Jimmy's fine. He's terrific.

Jimmy who? Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
Do we have a Jimmy?

- No, we don't have a Jimmy.
- I give you a toast

[laughing]

To Alice.

And why me?

Huh? Because you're nice.

Hey, hey, hey.

Here's a toast to Bob and Carol
and Ted and Alice.

That's a good--
I'll drink to us.

- Hats and horns.
- The grooviest people I've ever known.

[all laughing]

Hey, I'm really getting drunk,
you know that?

- Are you, honey?
- Crocked.

- What time is the show?
- We've got about another half hour.

- Will you fix me another drink?
- [Alice] I love--

- Yes, dear.
- I love, I love, I love Tony Bennett.

You know why?
He just sings. Tsk, right there.

[Bob] ♪ San Francisco ♪

- ♪ Open your golden bird ♪
- [laughing]

A very interesting choice of song.

I take it all back about the toast.
You're very bad.

How come I haven't
heard the box score

of your last trip
to San Francisco?

Actually, the reason for that is

because, uh,
there's nothing to tell.

You were in San Francisco
and you didn't see that girl again?

It's none of your business.

- Oh, Bob, do you mind?
- [Bob] No!

Carol? You're sure?

I do not mind
because, in all truth,

I must report to you that, uh...

that lady wasn't in San Francisco.

[laughing]

I see. I see.

You really go for the nitty-gritty
nowadays, don't you, dear?

[laughing]

- I think it's great.
- Do you?

I do too. I think
it's marvelous. No kidding.

I hope we'll always be honest
and open with each other.

- Really?
- Uh-huh.

You been getting
any action in town lately?

Bing! Zing!

- You're beautiful.
- I knew you were gonna say that.

No, no, no.
No action.

What are you writing,
a gossip column or something?

At least, uh, not by me
in any event or rate.

What does that mean?

Oh, nothing,
I was just joking.

You were not.

- Sure I was.
- No, you weren't.

I was-- [clears throat]

What?

Do you think you're ready
for some of the really big stuff now?

- Sure.
- Come on, Alice.

That's enough, Alice.

One thing I think
I've learned in therapy

is that I must not impose
my values on the world.

I love my friends, no matter
what they do. What'd you do?

Well...

I can claim no credit
for myself, but...

- Carol had an affair.
- Who?

We don't want to know.
Don't tell us who it is.

- I don't want to know.
- Who? Who was it?

Horst.

[Bob] Yeah, he was
very decent about it, actually.

He offered to give me
tennis lessons.

It's all right.
Uh, you know?

I am very moved.

Really. I feel
I'm sharing a very--

I had an affair.

precious moment
with you, you know? I--

That's good, honey.

I mean, I feel that
it's right there--

- I had an affair.
- Honey, I said that's good.

I mean, you just don't come
right out and tell everybody--

I had an affair when I was in Miami.

I had an affair
when I was in Miami, Alice.

[mouthing words]

I met her
on the airplane.

And, uh...

I hired a car.

And we exchanged
a couple of words

and I was
taking her home...

and I did it, Alice!

It really happened, Alice.
It was fantastic.

It was fantastic,
Alice. It--

Well...

There was no love, Alice.
It was just--

The girl was totally open.

- What are you doing, Alice?
- I'm getting undressed.

Alice, relax.

Oh, relax.

Stop it, Alice.

Screw you. I am being honest.

I'm doing what I feel like doing.

What do you feel like doing?

I feel like doing
what we came up here to do.

- And what is that?
- Orgy.

Have an orgy. Orgy. Orgy. Orgy.

- Alice.
- Orgy!

You're just getting even with Ted.

Listen. Will you tell me why
you think we came up here?

- To have fun!
- And what is more fun than an orgy?

Alice, you're flipping.
Will you put your clothes on?

Fooling around in the car
and all that stuff.

You don't think
that was accidental, do you?

- Alice, Alice, darling, look.
- What? What?

I think you're being
completely psychoanalytical.

I have no interest
in sleeping with Ted.

And I have no interest
in sleeping with Carol.

Oh, you'd love to sleep
with Carol!

- Oh, Alice.
- And you're dying to do it with Ted!

That's sick.

That is really a sick thing
to say, Alice.

I have no interest
in sleeping with Ted.

No. No?

But you slept with Horst.

But, Alice, that was
an entirely different situation.

- Oh, it was different.
- That was totally different.

There was
no friendship there.

- There was no love.
- Right.

I mean, Ted is like my family.

We love each other.
We're involved.

We're like brother
and sister, Alice.

It would be incestuous.

Cop-out!

Alice, you're just being perverse.
I shouldn't have told you. I'm sorry.

- You should've--
- I had no right having an affair.

You did. You had every right,
just as I have the right--

The only reason I told you
is because I'm guilty.

- You enjoyed it, didn't you?
- Well, I couldn't help myself.

She was a very attractive girl, Alice.

Alice, listen.
I don't want to sleep with Ted,

and Bob does not want
to sleep with you.

Wait a minute.
Bob doesn't want to sleep with me?

Bob.

- Alice, don't be disgusting.
- Bob!

- Alice, don't be disgusting.
- Bob!

Hello.

Would you like to go to bed with me?

- Bob?
- Oh, come on, Alice.

Oh, honey, come on.

You're trying to make me
say something

that's gonna embarrass everybody
and make you very unhappy.

Hmm, I don't think so.

Look, never
in my wildest imagination,

in the darkest recesses
of my mind, would--

You're-- You're the wife
of my best friend.

Forget your mind.
We're not discussing your mind.

- You're talking about--
- Do you want to go to bed?

an imaginary situation.

- Bob, could you make love to me?
- For heaven's--

- Oh, will you cut this out?
- Don't cop out.

- Can you? Could you?
- I suppose I could.

You son of a bitch! Great friend!
You're a great friend to me.

My friend. That's your husband.
He could make love to my wife.

Come on, man. She's dealing with
an imaginary situation.

- Cop-out.
- I'm trying to be honest.

And don't tell me that you couldn't
possibly make love to Carol.

Absolutely not.

Absolutely not.
Under no conditions.

Oh, is that a fact? Oh.
You don't find Carol attractive?

Of course I find her attractive.

And I love her very much,
but like my sister.

I know you love her, man.
That's not in question here.

Does she turn you on?

Yes, in a way, but that's
because of our relationship.

No, no, no.
Forget the relationship.

I can't forget about it.
I can't forget our relationship.

I let a tennis pro
do it.

I would let you do it.
Don't you see?

Now, just give me
an answer. Yes or no?

Oh!

Insight. Oh!

Alice!

Alice.

What a beautiful woman. Oh!

You see. You see right through us.

You're beautiful.

- You know where it's at.
- Oh, you're helping a lot.

No. She's right.

Alice is right.

This is where we are at.

Now what is wrong?
What is so wrong?

Wait a second. Carol, look,
we're a close-knit group of people.

We see each other
all the time.

I think it's difficult
enough for us

to maintain one
sexual relationship at home.

And one in Miami.

Carol, stop it.

Bob, Alice is absolutely right.

We have to be straight about this.

Now, I'm beginning
to feel something.

I'm beginning to feel excited.

Now, do you want me
to deny that?

No.

What do you feel for Alice?

Alice, I could go to bed with you.

Well, I'm not going to bed
with anybody.

[Carol]
Why, Ted? Why not?

I know you too well.

If Bob says it's all right,

and Alice says it's all right,
and I say it's all right.

It just seems wrong.

Oh, it's not.

Look, it's just
nice feelings,

it's something that
we've never done before.

It's physical fun.
It's-It's just sex.

Oh, come on.
It'll be fun.

Well, I do feel aroused.
I can't deny that.

It would be
purely physical.

Purely. It would be
purely physical.

Come on. It'll be fun.

She's right, man.
It's beautiful.

Look, what the hell
is the big deal?

We're supposed to
experience everything.

Honey, would you get that?

First we'll have an orgy, and then
we'll go see Tony Bennett.

[exhaling]

[water running]

[Bob] Come on.

[whispering] Carol, be nice.

[whispering]

- [grunts]
- [laughing]

[Bob laughs]

[grunts]

[laughing]

No.

Did you put any money
into Pittston, Bob?

[clears throat] No.

I'm sick with myself too, man.

You know,
I gave everybody I knew

Worthington Oil,

and it was only at three,
and I didn't take any myself.

Oh, what is it at now?

Fifteen.

[music starts]

[woman]
♪ What the world needs now ♪

♪ Is love, sweet love ♪

♪ It's the only thing ♪

♪ That there's just too little of ♪

♪ What the world needs now ♪

♪ Is love, sweet love ♪

♪ No, not just for some ♪

♪ But for everyone ♪

♪ Lord we don't need
Another mountain ♪

♪ There are mountains
And hillsides ♪

♪ Enough to climb ♪

♪ There are oceans and rivers ♪

♪ Enough to cross ♪

♪ Enough to last
Till the end of time ♪

♪ What the world needs now ♪

♪ Is love, sweet love ♪

♪ It's the only thing ♪

♪ That there's just too little of ♪

♪ What the world needs now ♪

♪ Is love, sweet love ♪

♪ No, not just for some ♪

♪ But for everyone ♪

♪ Lord, we don't need
Another meadow ♪

♪ There are cornfields
And wheat fields ♪

♪ Enough to grow ♪

♪ There are sunbeams
And moonbeams ♪

♪ Enough to shine ♪

♪ Oh, listen, Lord ♪

♪ If you want to know, oh ♪

♪ What the world needs now ♪

♪ Is love, sweet love ♪

♪ It's the only thing ♪

♪ That there's just too little of ♪

♪ What the world needs now ♪

♪ Is love, sweet love ♪

♪ No, not just for some ♪

♪ Oh, but just for ♪

♪ Every, every, everyone ♪

♪ What the world needs now ♪

♪ Is love, sweet love ♪

♪ What the world needs now ♪

♪ Is love, sweet love ♪

♪ What the world needs now ♪

♪ Is love, sweet love ♪

♪ What the world needs now ♪

♪ Is love, sweet love ♪

♪ What the world needs now ♪

♪ Is love, sweet love ♪

♪ What the world needs now ♪

♪ Is love, sweet love ♪