All language subtitles for Thank You For Smoking_Subtitles01

♪ Now I'm a feller
with a heart of gold ♪

♪ With the ways of a
gentleman, I've been told ♪

♪ The kind of a feller that
wouldn't even harm a flea ♪

♪ But if me and a
certain character met ♪

♪ The guy that
invented the cigarette ♪

♪ I'd murder that son of
a gun in the first degree ♪

♪ Now it ain't 'cause that
I don't smoke myself ♪

♪ I don't reckon they
hinder your health ♪

♪ I've smoked them all
my life and I ain't dead yet ♪

♪ But nicotine slaves
are all the same ♪

♪ At a pettin' party
or a poker game ♪

♪ Everything's gotta stop
while they have that cigarette ♪

♪ Smoke, smoke,
smoke that cigarette ♪

♪ Puff, puff, puff it if you
smoke yourself to death ♪

♪ Tell St. Peter at
the Golden Gate ♪

♪ That you hates to make him wait ♪

♪ But you just gotta
have another cigarette ♪

♪ The other night I had a date ♪

♪ With the cutest little
girl in the 48 states ♪

♪ A high-bred uptown
fancy little dame ♪

♪ Now, she said she loved
me and it seemed to me ♪

♪ That things were just
about like they ought to be ♪

♪ So hand-in-hand we
strolled down Lovers' Lane ♪

♪ She was oh-so-far
from a chunk of ice ♪

♪ And our smoochin'
party was a-goin' real nice ♪

♪ So help me, Hannah, I
think I'd a been there yet ♪

♪ But I give her a kiss
and a little squeeze ♪

♪ And she said, "Tex,
excuse me, please ♪"

♪ But I just gotta have
another cigarette" ♪

♪ Smoke, smoke,
smoke that cigarette ♪

♪ Puff, puff, puff it if you
smoke yourself to death ♪

♪ Tell St. Peter at
the Golden Gate ♪

♪ That you hates to make him wait ♪

♪ But you just gotta
have another cigarette. ♪

Robin Williger.

He is a 15-year-old freshman
from Racine, Wisconsin.

He enjoys studying history.

He's on the debate team.

Robin's future looked
very, very bright,

but recently he was
diagnosed with cancer,

a very tough kind of cancer.

Robin tells me he has
quit smoking, though,

and he no longer thinks
that cigarettes are cool.

Whoo!

And our final guest
today is Nick Naylor.

Mr. Naylor is the vice president of
the Academy of Tobacco Studies.

Now, they are the tobacco
industry's main lobby

in Washington, D.C.

and Mr. Naylor is
their chief spokesman.

Few people on this planet know

what it is to be truly despised.

Can you blame them?

I earn a living fronting
an organization

that kills 1,200
human beings a day.

1,200 people.

We're talking two
jumbo jet plane loads

of men, women and children.

I mean, there's Attila,

Genghis,

and me,

Nick Naylor,

the face of cigarettes

the Colonel Sanders of nicotine.

This is where I work,

the Academy of Tobacco Studies.

It was established
by seven gentlemen

you may recognize from C-SPAN.

These guys realized quick
if they were going to claim

that cigarettes were not addictive,

they better have proof.

This is the man they rely on,

Erhardt Von Grupten Mundt.

They found him in Germany.

I won't go into the details.

He's been testing the link

between nicotine and lung cancer

for 30 years and hasn't
found any conclusive results.

The man's a genius.

He could disprove gravity.

Then we've got our sharks.

We draft them out of
Ivy League law schools

and give them
time-shares and sports cars.

It's just like a John
Grisham novel...

You know, without
all the espionage.

Most importantly,
we've got spin control.

That's where I come in.

I get paid to talk.

I don't have an MD or law degree.

I have a bachelor's in
kicking ass and taking names.

You know that guy
who can pick up any girl?

I'm him

on crack.

This is obviously a heated issue

and we do have a lot that
we want to cover today.

Nick, do you have a question?

Joan,

how on earth would
Big Tobacco profit

off of the loss of this young man?

Now, I hate to think
in such callous terms,

but, if anything, we'd
be losing a customer.

It's not only our hope,
it's in our best interest

to keep Robin alive and smoking.

That's ludicrous. Let
me tell you something,

Joan, and please, let
me share something

with the fine, concerned
people in the audience today.

The Ron Goodes of this world

want the Robin Willigers to die.

What? NAYLOR: You know why?

So that their budgets will go up.

This is nothing less than
trafficking in human misery,

and you, sir, ought to
be ashamed of yourself.

I ought to be ashamed of myself?

As a matter of fact,
we're about to launch

a $50 million campaign

aimed at persuading
kids not to smoke.

Because I think
that we can all agree

that there is nothing
more important

than America's children.

All right, now,
that's something that

we're going to want
to know more about.

But I have to take a short break.

Hang on, a lot more coming.

$50 million?! Are you
out of your fucking mind?!

Everyone has a boss.

BR just happens

to be mine.

He came from the
vending machine world.

This made him tough.

The name BR came
from his tour in Vietnam.

The people who know
its meaning are all dead.

The deal was five million!

$5 million will get you a
couple of subway posters.

It's not going to impress anyone.

That's the idea, Nick.

You'll be thanking me soon.

This'll probably
get you great press.

I gotta call the captain
and see if this is gonna fly.

Get your ass back to D.C.

Thank you so much for coming.

Mr. Naylor?

It's your turn.

Ah.

Joey is such a bright young man.

We all look forward

to his coming out
of his shell a little.

He's a bit shy.

Yeah, he gets that from his mother.

Hey, Joey.

Please don't ruin my childhood.

Come on, Joey. Trust me.

How many of you want to
be lawyers when you grow up?

Right.

How about

movie stars?

How about lobbyists?

What's that?

It's kind of like
being a movie star.

It's what I do. I
talk for a living.

What do you talk about?

I speak on behalf of cigarettes.

My mom used to smoke.

She says that cigarettes kill.

Really? Now, is your
mommy a doctor?

No.

A scientific researcher
of some kind?

No.

Well, she doesn't exactly sound

like a credible expert,
now, does she?

Don't feel bad.

It's okay to listen to your mom.

I mean, it's good to listen
to your parents... Joey.

All I'm suggesting

is that there will always
be people trying to tell you

what to do and what to think.

There probably already
are people doing that.

Am I right?

Yes.

I'm here to say

that when someone tries to
act like some sort of an expert,

you can respond, "Who says?"

So, cigarettes are good for you?

No! No, that's not...

That's not what I'm getting at.

My point is that you
have to think for yourself.

You have to challenge authority.

If your parents told you that
chocolate was dangerous,

would you just take
their word for it?

No.

Exactly.

So perhaps instead
of acting like sheep

when it comes to cigarettes,

you should find out for yourself.

Okay, then.

Thank you, Mr. Naylor,
for joining us.

Every week we meet here at Bert's.

Together, we represent
the chief spokespeople

for the tobacco, alcohol
and firearms industries.

We call ourselves the MOD Squad.

All right.

M-O-D, Merchants of Death.

So, my day's ruined.

Why?

Dateline's doing a segment

on fetal alcohol
syndrome. Thank you.

Polly works for the
Moderation Council.

A casual drinker by the age of 14,

Polly quickly developed

a tolerance usually reserved
for Irish dockworkers.

In our world, she's the woman

that got the pope
to endorse red wine.

We're gonna get creamed.

Any ideas?

I don't know.

Deformed kids are tough.

I'm lucky my product only makes
them bald before it kills them.

You could hug the kids.

They're not going to
let me hug the kids.

Who's doing the segment,
Donaldson or Sawyer?

Sawyer, probably.

You're fucked.

Why?

Cause she's gonna hug them.

Look, if you see her
going in for a hug,

maybe just box her out,
get in there before she does.

Bobby Jay works for SAFETY,

the Society for the
Advancement of Firearms

and Effective Training for Youth.

You want me to smile?

After watching the footage
of the Kent State shootings,

Bobby Jay, then 17, signed
up for the National Guard

so he, too, could
shoot college students.

But the National Guard
recruiter was out to lunch,

so Bobby Jay ended up
shooting Panamanians instead,

which was almost as
good as college students.

Only they shoot back.

You know, you can
beat a Breathalyzer

by sucking on activated
charcoal tablets? Really?

Maybe we should
change our campaign to.

"If You Must Drink and
Drive, Suck Charcoal."

Yeah, but don't the police wonder

why you're sucking on charcoal?

There's no law against charcoal.

Yet. Yet.

Dad, why is the American
government the best government?

Because of our
endless appeals system.

Joe, you're not writing
down what I just said are you?

Mm-hmm.

Joey, stop for a second.

What is the subject of your essay?

Why is American government
the best government in the world.

Your teacher crafted that question?

Yeah. Why?

Well... I'll look past
the obvious problems

in syntax for a moment,

and I'll focus more on
the core of the question.

I mean, "A,"

does America have the
best government in the world?

And "B," what constitutes
a "best government"?

Is it crime, is it
poverty, literacy?

Hmm?

And America... definitely not best.

Perhaps not even better than most.

We do have a very
entertaining government...

Dad.

I'm sorry.

Are you familiar
with the term "B.S."?

Bullshit.

Yes, exactly.

B.S., if I may, is what
questions like the one

your teacher posed are made for.

Because even if America
had the best government,

there'd be no way to prove it.

And how many pages are you writing?

Two pages.

Two pages...

Definitely not in two pages.

So what am I supposed to write?

You can write whatever you want.

Okay.

Write about

write about America's
amazing ability

to make profit by breaking
down trading tariffs

and bringing American
jobs to Third World countries.

Or how good we are
at executing felons.

They're all correct answers.

I can do that?

See, Joey, that's the
beauty of argument.

'Cause if you argue
correctly, you're never wrong.

Dad, if I finish this
essay within an hour,

can we stay up all night?

That's a negotiation,
not an argument.

Well, Conway, see you made it.

Yeah, I guess that
little voice was wrong.

I feel better.

I feel a lot better, too.

As a matter of fact, I
never felt so good in my life.

How about a cigarette?

Is he...?

Yeah.

Hey.

Nick, you still own
a watch, don't you?

Jill, I can't help feeling.

Joey's getting the
wrong idea about his dad.

It would be great if I could spend

a little more time
with him, you know?

To give him a fair and
balanced perspective.

Nick, you had
plenty of time for that.

Now you're his weekend guardian.

Besides, he has Brad.

He still needs his father.

Nick.

You have a second?

Sure, Brad.

Nick, your job and
everything aside,

I hope you understand
that secondhand smoke's

a real killer.

What are you talking about?

I just hope you're providing

a smoke-free environment
for Joey, that's all I'm saying.

Brad, I'm his father.

You're the guy fucking his mom.

That was unnecessary.

Thank you all. Thank
you all for coming.

Tobacco is winning the war.

The war against our children.

They like to use cartoons
and symbols to hook our kids.

Well, now we have
a symbol of our own.

Doctor.

It is my hope that within the year

every cigarette package

sold in America will
carry this symbol.

Perhaps then, cigarettes
will finally be labeled

appropriately as poison.

I will be holding a
congressional hearing

to discuss the inclusion
of the skull and crossbones

in the next two weeks.

As usual, I extend
an open invitation

to big tobacco.

Perhaps this time they will
grace us with their presence.

And their answers.

Thank you very much.

People, what is going on out there?

I look down this table,
all I see are white flags.

Our numbers are down
all across the board.

Teen smoking...
Our bread and butter,

is falling like a shit from heaven.

We don't sell Tic
Tacs, for Christ's sake.

We sell cigarettes.

And they're cool and
available and addictive.

The job is almost done for us.

This environmentalist
is challenging us.

We have to have an answer.

I'm asking you,

when this cocksucker puts
Captain Hook on our products,

what the fuck are we going to do?

BR. Yeah, Nick.

If I may.

In 1910,

the U.S. was producing
ten billion cigarettes a year.

By 1930,

we were up to 123 billion.

What happened in between?

Three things.

A world war,

dieting... and movies.

Movies?

1927... talking pictures are born.

Suddenly, directors
need to give their actors

something to do
while they're talking.

Cary Grant, Carole
Lombard are lighting up.

Bette Davis... a chimney.

And Bogart... remember
the first picture

with him and Lauren Bacall?

Well, yea... not specifically.

Oh, she sort

of shimmies in through the doorway,

19 years old.

Pure sex.

She says,

"Anyone got a match?"

And Bogie throws
the matches at her,

and she catches them.

Greatest romance of the century.

How'd it start?
Lighting a cigarette.

These days when someone
smokes in the movies,

they're either a
psychopath or a European.

The message Hollywood
needs to send out

is smoking is cool.

We need the cast of Will and Grace

smoking in their living room.

Forrest Gump puffing away
between his box of chocolates.

Hugh Grant earning back
the love of Julia Roberts

by buying her favorite
brand... her Virginia Slims.

Most of the actors smoke already.

If they start doing it on-screen,

we can put the sex
back into cigarettes.

Well, it's a thought.

I was hoping for something
a little more inspiring,

but at least you're thinking.

Rest of you people,
slam your fucking brains

against your desks

until something useful comes out.

That was awesome.

Thank you.

Nick, you've been summoned.

Captain wants to see you.

He saw the Joan show.

What'd he think?

Get your ass on the next
flight to Winston-Salem.

Most people have this
image in their heads

of tobacco executives
jet-setting around the world

on private planes, eating foie gras

as they count their money.

Not me.

I like to ride with the people.

Know your clients.

My people cram
themselves into a tiny seat,

pop a Xanax and dream of the moment

they can stuff their
face with fresh tobacco.

If I can convince just one of
these kids to pick up smoking,

I've paid for my
flight... round-trip.

The Captain is the last
great man of tobacco.

He introduced filters

when cigarettes first got
slammed by Reader's Digest.

Later, he founded the
Academy of Tobacco Studies.

The club was founded by
the tobacco barons in 1890

so they'd have a place to
get away from their wives.

Here, the Captain is a legend...

A self-made man who
started from nothing,

and ended up with everything

except, evidently, a son.

Nick, my boy.

You're just in time for mud.

Thank you.

Sit down there. Yeah.

Yeah.

You know the secret
to a really good julep?

No, sir.

Well, you crush the mint

down onto the ice with your thumb

and you grind it in, see?

And it releases the menthol.

Hmm.

Now you know who taught me that?

No, sir. Who?

Fidel Castro.

Do you remember 1952?

Well, sir, I wasn't alive in 1952.

Good Lord, I was in Korea
shooting Chinese in 1952.

Really?

Today they're our best customer.

Next time we won't have to
shoot so many of them, will we?

No, sir.

1952 was the year Reader's Digest

nailed us with the
whole health aspect.

As Churchill said,

that was perhaps the
end of our beginning.

Tell me,

do you enjoy your
current work, Nick?

Yes, sir.

It's challenging...

If you can do tobacco,
you can do anything.

Yes, sir, I like that.

You know, Nick, you remind me

just a little bit of myself
when I was your age.

Well, thank you, sir.

Like that Joan Lunden show you did.

You could have given
up, cried, apologized,

but you didn't.

You stayed loyal.

And you gave it to
that son of a bitch good.

My pleasure.

Now, BR's come under the idea

that we should start bribing
producers in Hollywood

to make the actors smoke on screen.

You know, like in the old days.

Say, that's, uh

that's a great idea.

Mm-hmm.

Smart man, that BR.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And loyal.

Yes, sir?

Have a seat, Ron.

You, see, Ron, I can't be
everywhere I'm needed.

That's why I send people like you

to speak on my behalf.

When you're there,
you're not Ron Goode,

the guy your friends probably like,

you're Senator Finistirre's aide,

and your name
really doesn't matter.

So, when

Ron Goode acts like
a complete asshole

on the Joan Lunden Show,

I am being an asshole
on the Joan Lunden Show.

Senator, sir, he
sprang on me like...

Where in the hell did
you find cancer boy?

He was supposed
to be quite reliable.

The Pulmonary Council
was one of his references.

Fucking nonprofits.

When you're looking
for a cancer kid,

he should be hopeless.

He should have a wheelchair.

He should have trouble talking.

He should have
a little pet goldfish

he carries around
in a ziplock bag...

Hopeless.

I apologize, sir, but if it wasn't

for Nick Naylor... Nick Naylor?

Don't you even think of
using him as an excuse.

The man shills
bullshit for a living.

You work for a fucking senator.

A senator who is supposed
to be tough on tobacco.

Have a little...
pride, for God's sake.

It won't happen
again, sir, I promise.

All right, you're excused.

Sometimes I feel like

a Colombian drug dealer.

The other day, my
own granddaughter,

flesh of flesh of my own loins,

asked me, "Granddaddy, is it true

cigarettes are bad for you?"

We got to do something, Nick.

I think you're our man.

Thank you, sir.

I want you to work on
this Hollywood project.

Get out there the next
few weeks, stir things up

and report directly to me.

Sir, about the,

the $50 million.

Anti teen-smoking advertising.

Well, shit, I sure hope
it's not too persuasive.

I hope.

Nick,

you're family now.

Tobacco takes care of its own, eh?

Thank you, sir.

Mr. Naylor?

Hi.

Hi. Welcome to Tobacco One.

Thank you.

The captain told me to take
extra special care of you today.

So if there is
anything at all I can do

to make your flight more pleasant,

you be sure and let me know now.

BR.

Pleasant flight?

Oh! You could say that.

Came up on the Captain's plane.

Oh, it's quite the way to travel.

I wouldn't know.

No? You never been on Tobacco One

with those seats, that kitchen,

that stewardess, Tiffany?

Haven't had the chance yet.

Oh, well, you really must try it.

It's the only way to travel.

What'd he think of your $50
million anti-smoking campaign?

Oh, the $50 million anti
teen-smoking campaign?

Yeah.

Yeah, he gave that the go-ahead.

Oh, and he loved your idea

to put cigarettes back into movies.

That was your idea. Oh, yeah?

He must have gotten confused. Hmm.

Yeah. Well, either way,
he was pretty blown away.

Right. Well, get a flight to L.A.

I'll get you a meeting
with Jeff Megall.

Who?

Hollywood super agent.

Entertainment Global Offices.

This guy is the
entertainment business.

And you are cigarettes, BR.

Whatever.

Yeah, but it's not a vacation,
it's a learning experience.

And California is one
of the fastest-growing

states, it's got

the largest number of
electoral votes in the country.

I mean, this could be a
very good trip for Joey.

You know what?
Don't smooth-talk me.

You're not going to
take him sightseeing.

You're probably going

to take him to some
lung cancer symposium

where a guy with an
electronic voice box will tell him

that his father is the devil.

That's unfair.

Unfair? What about Virginia?

And what about Virginia?

You took him to
a cigarette factory.

No, I took him to a tobacco farm.

That's hardly the same thing.

This conversation's over.

Oh, fuck.

Last week we had another
disgruntled postman.

Of course,

an hour later the Washington Post

is calling me on the
phone... godless swine.

I said to 'em, I says,

"Now if a plane crashes
on account of pilot error,

do you blame the
Boeing Corporation?"

Nice.

That's a good one. Thank you.

If some booze-besotten
drunk runs someone down,

do you go banging on the
doors at General Motors?

Tell me you didn't say that.

Mm-hmm.

Have either of you heard of a
reporter named Heather Holloway?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Irish type.

Brown hair, big blue eyes.

Nice skin.

Amazing tits.

Tits? Why are tits relevant?

Hmm, let's see.

World-class tits on a
reporter interviewing a man

with privileged
information are relevant.

How about it, Nick?
Are you a tit man?

Don't answer that. That's a trap.

Depends whose tits.

Look, just don't get
screwed, all right?

Bobby, I think I can handle
a good-looking girl reporter.

Thank you.

Heather Holloway.

Nick Naylor, big tobacco.

Is this kosher?

Only if I can call you "Heather."

By all means.

So, Mr. Naylor...

Nick. Nick.

Let's start with...

An '82 Margaux.

Okay. Is it good?

Good? It'll make
you believe in God.

So what is the focus of your piece?

You. Really?

You want to know
how I live with myself.

No. I don't imagine
that's much of a problem.

I want to know how
you see yourself.

I'm

a mediator between
two sects of society

that are trying to reach
an accommodation.

Interesting.

My other interviews have
pinned you as a mass murderer,

bloodsucker, pimp,
profiteer, child killer,

and my personal favorite
"yuppie Mephistopheles."

Wow, that sounds
like a balanced article.

Who else should I talk to?

55 million American
smokers, for starters

or perhaps the
American tobacco farmer

who is constantly being
treated like a drug smuggler.

I actually do plan on
speaking to a tobacco farmer.

Good.

They're fine people,
salt of the earth.

Nick, why do you do this?

What motivates you?

You really want to know?

Mm-hmm.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Population control.

You're bad.

Everyone's got a mortgage to pay.

The yuppie Nuremberg defense.

So is a mortgage that
much of a life goal?

Well, 99% of everything
done in the world, good or bad,

is done to pay a mortgage,
so perhaps the world

would be a better
place if everyone rented.

Then why don't you rent?

Mm. Well, I rent as well.

Really? Yeah.

My son and his mother
and her boyfriend

live in my house.

I live in my apartment.

What does Nick Naylor's
apartment look like?

I don't know. It's
nothing impressive.

It wouldn't make the
real estate section.

Can I see it?

You want to see my apartment?

I'd like to see where
the devil sleeps.

I know what you're
probably thinking.

This is a bad idea, right?

I mean, come on.

It's not that bad of an idea.

Mom, why can't I go

to California?

Because California's
just not a... safe place.

And besides, I'm not
sure it's appropriate

for your father to bring
you on a business trip.

Appropriate for who?

What?

Mom, is it possible that
you're taking the frustration

of your failed marriage out on me?

Excuse me?

This California trip seems
like a great learning opportunity

and a chance for me
to get to know my father.

But if you think
it's more important

to use me to channel
your frustration

against the man you no longer love,

I'll understand.

How'd you convince her?

It was an argument,
not a negotiation.

That's my boy.

Nick?

Nick, Jack, Jeff's assistant. Hey.

How was your flight?
Are you jet-lagged at all?

It's, like, 2:00 in D.C. right now.

You know what? Take some vitamin B.

Jeff swears by it... in fact,

I'm gonna hook you
up with an injection.

Who's this with you? How are
you, dude? What's going on?

You guys ever been to L.A. before?

You want to head
back to Jeff's office?

In fact, we probably should...
He's a punctual being.

We actually had some problems at

first with the exterior
mirrored glass.

The reflection of the sun was

causing head-on
collisions on Wilshire.

Oh, is everybody all right?

Yeah, they got
three-picture deals

at Paramount...
I'm sure they'll live.

It's a nice building. Yeah?

Hey, tell Jeff you think so, okay?

'Cause he just put a lot
of himself into this building.

And you know
something? It really shows.

What's up, Hiroshi?

Keep going... that sand's
not gonna rake itself.

All right, come here,
this is my favorite part.

That one right there? It's $7,000.

$7,000 for a fish? Yep.

Kind of makes you
want to stop eating sushi,

but I guess you kind of have to.

Hey, you see that big
white one right there?

Swear to you...
$12,000, gift from Oprah.

It's a Chamberlain... office-warming
gift from Matthew McConaughey.

Generous gift.

Yeah. Right!

Don't get me wrong, Matthew is
a tremendously talented individual

and an extremely
decent human being,

however, before Jeff
took him on, he was a face.

Now he's a name.

Do you hear that?

No.

Exactly.

Hey, Neal.

Neal, I'm gonna impale
your mom on a spike,

and I'm gonna feed her dead
body to my dog with syphilis.

Aw, Jack, you got me!

That guy!

It's an inside joke.

So, as you can see,

Jeff just really loves Asian shit.

Uh, Candace, is he ready?

Mm-hmm. Fantastic.

Okay, Joey, I'm gonna
bring your dad in now.

Is there anything I can
get you while you're waiting,

like an orange juice or
a coffee or a Red Bull?

No, thanks. Okay.

Wow, it's a great office.

Yeah. Jeff basically
designed the whole thing.

The architect just
made the drawings.

Jack, stop it.

Next you're gonna be telling him

what position I
played for the Bruins.

Quarterback.

Jeff Megall.

Nick Naylor.

Mr. Naylor's here to see
if we can't get cigarettes

into the hands of somebody
other than the usual RAVs. Sure.

RAVs? Russians, Arabs and Villains.

Oh, well, then yes, I
guess that is why I'm here.

Good. I think we can help.

Jeff invented product placement.

I feel I have to ask, uh...

Are you concerned
at all about the, um

about the health element?

I'm not a doctor,
I'm a facilitator.

I bring creative people together.

Whatever information
there is, exists, it's out there.

People will decide for themselves.

They should. It's not my
role to decide for them.

It'd be morally presumptuous.

I could learn a lot from this man.

Now, what we need is
a smoking role model,

a real winner.

Indiana Jones meets Jerry Maguire.

Right, on two packs a day.

Only he can't live in
contemporary society.

Why not?

The health issue's
way too prevalent.

People would constantly
be asking the character

why he's smoking... and
that should go unsaid.

How do you feel about the future?

The future?

Yeah, after the health
thing's blown over.

A world where smokers
and nonsmokers

live together in perfect harmony.

Sony has a futuristic sci-fi
movie they're looking to make.

Message From Sector Six.

All takes place in a space station.

They're actively looking
for some cofinancing.

So cigarettes in space?

It's the final frontier, Nick.

But wouldn't they blow up in
an all-oxygen environment?

Probably.

But it's an easy fix...
One line of dialogue:

"Thank God we
invented the..." you know,

whatever device.

Brad Pitt.

Catherine Zeta-Jones.

They've just finished ravishing

each other's bodies
for the first time.

They lie naked, suspended in air

underneath the heavens.

Pitt lights up.

He starts blowing
smoke rings all around.

Catherine's naked, flawless body,

as the galaxies go whizzing
by over the glass-domed ceiling.

Now, tell me that
doesn't work for you.

I'd see that movie.

I'd buy the goddamn DVD.

You know, if the academy
didn't send them to me for free.

You know,

you guys ought to think
about designing a cigarette

to be released
simultaneously with the movie.

Sector Sixes.

No one's ever done
it with a cigarette.

Wow.

Well, where do we go from here?

You enjoy the rest of your
day in L.A. with your son

while I find out the
answers to these questions.

Hey, where can I get a
bite to eat with my son?

You ought to try Nobu's new place.

He only serves food
that's white. Oh, great.

So, you go to an office,

then you go on TV and
talk about cigarettes.

Then you fly out to L.A.

to talk to some guy who
works with movie stars.

What is that? That's
my job; I'm a lobbyist.

I know, but did you
study to do that?

No. No, I just kind
of figured it out.

Then can't anyone just do that?

No, it, uh, requires a

a moral flexibility that
goes beyond most people.

Do I have flexible morals?

Well, let's say you
became a lawyer, right?

And you were asked
to defend a murderer.

Worse than that... a child murderer.

Now,

the law states that every
person deserves a fair trial.

Would you defend them?

I don't know. I guess every person

deserves a fair
defense. Yeah, well,

so do multinational corporations.

So, what happens when you're wrong?

Well, Joey, I'm never wrong.

But you can't always be right.

Well, if it's your job to be
right, then you're never wrong.

But what if you are wrong?

Okay, let's say that
you're defending chocolate

and I'm defending vanilla.

Now, if I were to say to you,

"Vanilla's the best flavor
ice cream," you'd say...?

"No, chocolate is." Exactly.

But you can't win that argument.

So, I'll ask you... So
you think chocolate

is the end-all and be-all
of ice cream, do you?

It's the best ice cream; I
wouldn't order any other.

Oh. So it's all
chocolate for you, is it?

Yes, chocolate is all I need.

Well, I need more than chocolate.

And for that matter, I
need more than vanilla.

I believe that we need
freedom and choice

when it comes to our ice
cream, and that, Joey Naylor,

that is the definition of liberty.

But that's not what
we're talking about.

Ah, but that's what
I'm talking about.

But... you didn't prove that

vanilla's the best.
I didn't have to.

I proved that you're wrong...
And if you're wrong, I'm right.

But you still didn't

convince me.

'Cause I'm not after you.

I'm after them.

Hello?

Thought I'd give
you a little update.

Jeff. You still at the office?

Do you know what time
it is in Tokyo right now?

No. 4:00 p.m. tomorrow.

It's the future, Nick.

Anyway, for Pitt to smoke,

it's $10 million;
for the pair, it's 25.

25?! Usually when I buy two
of something, I get a discount.

What's the extra five for?

Synergy.

These are not stupid
people; they got it right away.

Pitt and Zeta-Jones lighting
up after some cosmic fucking

in the bubble suite's
gonna sell a lot of cigarettes.

Well, for that kind of money,

my people will expect
some very serious smoking.

Can Brad blow smoke rings?

I don't have that information.

Well, for $25 million,
we'd want smoke rings.

Oh, one other thing...
You'll be cofinancing

the picture with
the Sultan of Glutan.

The Sultan of Glutan?

The one who massacred
and enslaved his own people?

Aren't they calling him the
Hitler of the South Pacific?

No, I can't speak to that...
All my dealings with him,

he's been a very
reasonable and sensitive guy.

He's fun. You'll like him.

I better run it by my people.

No problem.

Oh, that's London calling.

7:00 a.m. in the Old Empire.

Jeff, when do you sleep?

Sunday.

Operator. Yeah,
my light is blinking.

There's a package downstairs
for you. Okay, send it up.

Captain, I'm sitting in
front of an open briefcase.

I don't suppose this is a raise.

Now, Nick, do you
know who Lorne Lutch is?

Yeah, of course. He's
the original Marlboro Man.

He's dying. He was
on Sally last week.

Not exactly our biggest fan.

Well, the money's for him.

Now, he has a ranch
out there in California.

I want you to bring it to him.

He's a cowboy, sir, and
cowboys don't like bribes.

It's not a bribe. No, sir.

You're going out there
on wings of angels, son.

You mean we're just going
to give him the money?

Well, I think Christ
himself would say,

"That's mighty white of you boys."

No gag agreement?

Hopefully, he'll be so damn
overcome with gratitude

he'll... he'll have to shut up.

Hey, kiddo, I got to go
do a little bit more work

this afternoon, all right?

Can I come?

No. Not this time.

But I want to see what you do.

You stay here, okay?

What the fuck are you doing here?

Uh... uh...

Do you have a minute?

What do you want?

Dad!

Joey, get back in the car.

Just want to talk.

All right.

Let's talk.

Pearl, we got company.

Mister, you got a lot of
nerve walking in here after...

Honey, why don't you show
this young man some iced tea?

I'll be right back, tiger.

Saw you on...

Weren't you on that TV show?

Yeah. Yeah, that was me.

You're lucky you made
it out of there alive.

Yeah. Tobacco used to
be all over the television.

Now TV is leading the witch hunt.

Strange business.

Last year, after I was diagnosed,

flew east to attend the annual
stockholders' convention.

Stood up and told them I thought

they ought to cut back
on their advertising.

You know what your boss said to me?

He said, "We're certainly sorry"

"to hear about your
medical problem.

"However, without knowing more

"of your medical history,

we can't comment further."

But then they tried to pretend

I never worked for 'em.

Yeah, I got the pay stubs.

But, hell, I was on
the damn billboards.

I never even smoked

Marlboro.

I smoked Kools.

You look like a nice-enough fella.

What are you doing
working for these assholes?

I'm good at it.

Better at doing this

than I ever was at
doing anything else.

Aw, hell, son.

I was good at shooting VC.

I didn't make it my career.

I suppose we all got
to pay the mortgage.

Your dad always bring
you along like this?

No. I live with my mom.

He tell you why he's here today?

He said that your husband
was the Marlboro Man.

Yeah, well, not anymore.

Hello.

Yeah. Hey, can you
hold on a second?

You need anything else,
grab it out of the fridge.

So I'm standing here
minding my own business,

filling up pill bottles...

So you're here to talk
me into shutting up?

That what's in that case of yours?

Yeah, basically.

No, not basically.

That's... that's exactly it.

My dignity ain't for sale.

It's not an offer. It's a gift.

Taxes have all been paid.

You get to keep it no
matter what you do.

The idea is that, somehow,

your guilt will prevent
you from bad-mouthing us.

Are you supposed to be

telling me all that?

No, sir. Just apologize,

give you the money, and leave.

Why are you telling me this?

Because, this way,
you'll take the money.

Why would I do that?

Because you're mad.

Damn straight I am.

The first thing you'll do,

is you'll call the L.A.
Times, and CNN...

Huh? And insist on Bonnie Carlton.

She does really good

controlled outrage.

Tell them, "No Bonnie, no story."

Watch it on MSNBC.

Okay. When they get here,

you open up the case,

and you pour all the
cash out onto the floor.

Why? Trust me.

It'll look more effective that way.

Don't forget to shake
every last bundle out.

If you can, you know,
give a cough or two.

Once it's all out on the floor,

tell them what you're
going to do with it.

What am I going to do with it?

You're going to donate it.

Yeah. Start the Lorne
Lutch Cancer Foundation.

You're going to have
a ranch and a fair

and a 5K. A 5K is
a must. Television...

Wait a minute.

What about my family?

But, Lorne, you
can't keep the money.

Why the hell not?

What do you mean?

Denounce us, and then
keep the blood money?

I mean, look at it.

I got to think this over.

Lorne, whoa.

News doesn't work that way.

You can't denounce us next week.

I don't suppose I can
denounce you for half of it.

No, Lorne. Either you
keep all the money,

or you... you give it all away.

Dad, how did you know

he would take the money?

You'd have to be crazy to
turn down all that money.

When I saw he wasn't
crazy, I knew he'd take it.

Would you have taken it?

If I were him? Sure.

So would I.

I don't think you understand, sir.

He's like a wild animal.

You'll have to be on
your guard at all times.

He has this trick.

Ron, shut up.

I've tangoed with presidents,
lawyers and Indian chiefs.

I think I can handle
Mr. Nick Naylor.

All right, welcome back, kids.

We've got two guests
on the show tonight.

First, joining us from
our Washington studio

I must have that tie clip!

Is the senator from
the great state of Vermont.

Please welcome Ortolan Finistirre.

Welcome, Senator.

Good to be here, Dennis.

And, joining us here in
our Los Angeles studio,

he is the chief spokesperson

for the Academy of Tobacco Studies.

Quite an august
chamber, might I add?

Nick Naylor. Nick, welcome.
Pleasure to be here.

All right, I understand you were
on Joan Lunden's show recently.

Didn't make a lot of
friends over there, did you?

I will say that I don't think

I'll be getting my
annual invitation

to the Finistirre
Labor Day Barbecue.

Well, I continue to offer an
open invitation to Mr. Naylor

to join us in Congress
to talk about the inclusion

of our new poison label
which, if I might say

Nick, ready to trek
up the Hill and testify

before Congress?

Well, I'd love to, Dennis,
but not as long as the senator

is calling for me to be fired.

It's not exactly a
welcome invitation.

Yeah. Bit of a mixed
message, Senator.

Well, not as mixed as the
stance that Big Tobacco has taken

about the dangers
of smoking cigarettes.

Oh, no. Now what
are you laughing...?

You're a wind-up artist.
Give the man his due.

He's got a bit of a
point there, doesn't he?

Sorry. I just can't
help myself, Dennis.

I... I... I'm just
tickled by the idea

of the gentleman from Vermont

calling me a hypocrite
when, uh... this same man,

in one day, held a press
conference where he called

for the American tobacco
fields to be slashed and burned,

then he jumped on a private jet

and flew down to Farm Aid
where he rode a tractor onstage.

Oh, come on. As he bemoaned

the downfall of the
American farmer.

Care to comment, Senator?

He... I... No.

Eloquent in its brevity.

Emotional issue.

Let's take some phone calls now.

Herndon, Virginia. Go
ahead. You're on the show.

Dennis, has anyone ever
announced that they're going

to kill someone live on your show?

My demo's been called
quirky but, no, at this point,

we're not skewing to
the emotionally unstable.

Then it's your lucky day.

Because I'm here to tell
you that, within a week,

we're going to dispatch
Mr. Naylor from this planet

for all the pain and suffering
he's caused in the world.

As I said, emotional issue.
We're going to break now.

I got to fire a call screener.

Let's go.

This is Nick Naylor
telling you kids,

"Don't do drugs, smoke cigarettes."

That's really great.

It's like I'm looking in a mirror.

Cigarettes for the homeless.

We'll call them "hobos."

Uh, that's awful.

Any better than "Sector Sixes"?

Right.

Oh, my God, Nick, you're on TV.

"Lobbyist on the lookout."

You got to be kidding me.

I want to fuck you
while I watch you on TV.

And they call me sick.

Hurry.

Before your segment ends.

All right.

Tell me more about
Los Angeles, baby.

Huh?

He says he wants to
trail me everywhere,

I said, "Who's paying for it?"

He says the tobacco
company's paying for it.

I said, "I don't need a bodyguard."

I'm a man of the people.

Rock on, Kennedy.

Listen, we're all going to
need bodyguards soon enough.

Did you see the coverage
the fetal alcohol people

got themselves over this weekend?

They made it seem like
we were encouraging

pregnant women to drink.

I'm surprised I
didn't get kidnapped

on my way to work this morning.

I don't think people from the
alcoholic beverage industry

need to worry about
being kidnapped just yet.

Pardon me?

Look, I mean,

nothing personal,
but tobacco generates

a little more heat than alcohol.

Oh, this is news.

My product puts
away 475,000 a year.

Oh, okay, now 475
is a legit number.

Okay, 435,000.

That's 1,200 a day.

How many alcohol-related
deaths a year?

Well, does that... 100,000 tops?

That's, what, 270 a day?

Wowee.

270 people, a tragedy.

Excuse me if I don't exactly
see terrorists getting excited

about kidnapping anyone
from the alcohol industry.

Well, you haven't even Okay,

taken into account the
number of deaths let's just

breathe. How many gun
deaths a year in the U.S.?

11,000.

11,000, are you kidding me?

30 a day.

That's less than
passenger car mortalities.

No terrorist would
bother with either of you.

Okay, look... stupid argument.

I'll say.

I'm sure both of you
warrant vigilante justice.

Thank you.

Hey... please. Stop... hey.

Who are you guys?

And freedom means that
we can do what we want.

And that's really important.

Because otherwise,
we couldn't be free.

And that's why America is the
best government in the world.

Whoa, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, no need for
that, no need for that.

Whoa, whoa, hey.

Hey, wait.

Can we get a dialogue going here?

Nick, we want you
to stop killing people.

So many people.

Half a million people
a year in the U.S.

That, there's no
data to support that.

Nick... you're not on TV anymore.

Okay, Joey, it's your turn.

Hey!

Nick, how much do you smoke a day?

Hey, what are you doing?

According to the box,
each one of those patches

contains 21 milligrams of nicotine.

That's, like, what?

One pack?

Our industry has been
working hand in hand with...

Nick! Just listen, all right?

What makes America
the best government?

The passion that doesn't
exist anywhere in the world.

Says here there are
many adverse reactions

from those things.

Let's see, "arrhythmia",

"constipation, dyspepsia,

"nausea... My industry
does $48 billion in revenue.

Pharyngitis, sinusitis..."

Sure you can call it
capitalism, a free market,

a celebration of
tariff breakdowns

"dysmenorrhea"

I don't even want to
know what that means.

Hey, look, I guess you
could start by, you know,

asking for five million,
working your way up from there.

But I don't want any money, Nick.

Well, what do you want?

I mean, I'm all ears here.

I have another word for it...

Love.

What does any man want?

The love of a woman,

crisp bacon

an average life span over 80 years.

Oh, Nick

you don't look so good.

If you should smell smoke,

please dial zero for the operator.

Before leaving the room,
check the door for heat.

Find your nearest emergency exit,

then soak a washcloth and
cover your nose and mouth.

Do not remove your washcloth.

Try at all times to avoid
breathing in the smoke.

If necessary, crawl on
your hands and knees

to avoid the inhalation of smoke.

Do not be alarmed.

There are still no
conclusive studies

that link smoking to emphysema.

You woke up.

Perhaps a bad choice of inflection.

Is she implying that I
could've just as easily not?

I was so scared.

Hey, Joey.

What happened?

No nonsmoker
could've ever withstood

the amount of nicotine you
had in your bloodstream.

Hate to say it, but

cigarettes saved your life.

Can I quote you on that, doc?

You're a real trooper, my boy.

Hey, Captain,

where are you?

Winston-Salem General.

Damn heart failing me again.

I thought we could be roommates.

Nick, before we get sidetracked,

there is one thing.

All right, don't get all
dramatic on me, doc.

You can't smoke.

That's no problem.

I've quit before.

I did during the pregnancy.

How long, you think?

I don't think you understand.

It's a miracle you
came out of this alive.

Any smoking... one cigarette...

Could put you right back
into a paralytic state.

Your body just can't handle it.

Nick, I don't want to put
any more pressure on you,

but we got a camera
crew waiting out there.

If we want to make
the evening news...

You want to unhook me here?

This just goes to prove what
I've been saying for so long.

These nicotine
patches are just deadly.

Smoking saved my life.

Considering your condition,
will you still be able to appear

before Senator Finistirre's
subcommittee hearing

on the usage of poison
labels on cigarette packaging?

Oh, I think now more than ever

it is imperative that I be there.

Nothing will keep
me from testifying.

Fucking kidnapping.

I don't understand, sir.

Aren't we considering the
kidnapping a good thing?

Well, he didn't die.

He was almost killed, sir.

That's the point.

Now he looks like a
victim, lucky bastard.

The way I heard it, D.C.
police found you naked

laying in Lincoln's crotch

covered in nicotine patches
with a sign across your chest

that said... He doesn't
need to hear the details.

It was some pretty fucked up shit.

Shh!

How are you feeling?

I don't know.

First time I'm thinking these
cigarettes are pretty dangerous.

You might be right about that.

What are you doing?

It may be small,
but it'll do the trick.

One shot, bam.

Listen, Nick is not
going to shoot anyone.

Cool.

Yeah, huh?

I mean, uh

guns are to be treated with
respect, you understand that?

You'll make a great father.

Thanks.

Hey, there he is!

Hey, he's back!

Hey!

Welcome back.

You okay? Great.

Good, 'cause you're booked
on all the Sunday talk shows.

For once we got public
sympathy on our side.

We can start our own
little celebrity victim tour.

I mean, we couldn't have

planned this thing
better ourselves.

Oh, maybe next
time I can lose a lung.

Oh. Uh, I heard the, uh

Heather Holloway article
is coming out tomorrow.

Really?

Yeah, anything I
should be worried about?

Uh, yeah, the Cancer Association.

Apparently, they have it in for us.

Fuckers.

What?

I got a call from the paper.

Really? What'd they want?

They wanted the correct
spelling of my name and job title.

You didn't tell her
about us, did you?

Who?

Heather?

No.

I mean, maybe in passing, I...

In passing.

Oh, God, he fucked her.

I tried to warn you.

Hey, he didn't fuck her.
You didn't fuck her, did you?

When?

In passing.

Look, she's a really nice girl.

Oh, God.

We're really fucked.

"Nick Naylor, lead
spokesman for big tobacco,

"would have you believe he
thinks cigarettes are harmless."

"But really, he's doing
it for the mortgage."

The MOD squad... meaning,
of course, merchants of death...

Is comprised of Polly Bailey
of the Moderation Council

and Bobby Jay Bliss

of the gun business's own
advisory group, SAFETY.

As explained by Naylor, the
sole purpose of their meetings

is to compete for
the highest death toll

as they compare strategies

on how to dupe the American people.

The film, Message from Sector Six,

would emphasize the
sex appeal of cigarettes

in a way that only floating, nude,

copulating Hollywood stars could.

This did not stop Nick
from bribing the dying man

with a suitcase of cash to
keep quiet on the subject

of his recent lung
cancer diagnosis.

Nick's own son, Joey Naylor,
seems to be being groomed

for the job as he joins his father

on the majority of his trips.

I have Heather
Holloway on line one.

Heather.

Hey, Nick, what did you think?

Heather, uh... I

I mean, there's a lot of
information in here, Heather,

that is off the record.

You never said anything
about off the record.

I presumed anything said while
I was inside you was privileged.

Nick...

If you wanted to talk on a plane

or at a movie or over dinner,
that would have been fine.

But you wanted to fuck.

That's fine by me.

You used me.

Oh, Nick, come on.

Now we're being children.

Look, we both love our jobs.

I'm just a reporter, and
you're just a lobbyist.

How can you do this to me?

For the mortgage.

Bitch.

Whore.

You should have
been more careful, Nick.

You've destroyed all the good
will created by your kidnapping.

Well, we'll work up a rebuttal.

Heather Holloway isn't
the only reporter in town.

No, there isn't going
to be any rebuttal.

What do you mean?

Don't talk to anyone.

We're pulling you from
the congressional hearing.

No, no, no. You can't pull me
from the congressional hearing.

All you'll be doing is giving
credence to her article.

I'm ready to testify.

Look, Nick, half of my
job is damage control.

Today, that consists

of distancing ourselves
from you entirely...

Letting you take all
the heat on this article.

Your job relied on your
ability to keep secrets

and spin the truth.

I just cannot imagine a way

in which you could
have fucked up more.

There's just no way I could
possibly keep you on staff.

Then I assume you've
run this by the captain.

Captain died this morning.

♪ Where do they go, those
smoke rings I blow each night? ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Oh, what do they do, those
circles of blue and white? ♪

♪ Why do they seem to
picture a dream of lovin'? ♪

♪ Why do they fade that
phantom parade of love? ♪

Mr. Naylor, this is Pete in
Security from the Academy.

Your things are waiting for you

at the information
kiosk in the lobby.

Look, if you don't pick
your stuff up by Friday,

we're instructed to throw it out.

Mr. Naylor, this is Special
Agent Johnson with the FBI.

Having not found any leads in
your kidnapping investigation,

we're going to be
handing over the case

to the local D.C. police,

so please refer to
them in the future

for any updates and questions.

Nick, Jack in Jeff Megall's office.

Jeff really enjoyed
meeting you the other day

and he's just... he's
torn up about the fact

that you two couldn't
find a project to work on.

He's really just... I don't know.

So, listen, but we
should hang, at least,

so you drop me a line
whenever you're in town.

Uh... my e-mail is, uh...

♪ Take me with you. ♪

Who is it?

It's me, Nick.

Jill, this is a bad time.

Let me in.

No.

I brought someone
who needs to talk to you.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, Dad.

Coke in the fridge.

So, this Heather Holloway,
she must have been pretty hot.

Yes. She's pretty hot.

Don't take it so hard.

A few flaws can be appealing.

Makes you human.

Who wants to be human?

Well, I know one person

who still thinks you're a God.

Why did you tell that
reporter all your secrets?

You're too young to understand.

Mom says it's because
you have dependency issues

and it was all just
a matter of time

before you threw it all
away on some tramp.

Well, that's one theory.

Why are you hiding from everyone?

It has something to do with
being generally hated right now.

But it's your job to
be generally hated.

It's more complicated
than that, Joey.

You're just making
it more complicated

so that you can feel
sorry for yourself.

Like you always said,

"If you want an easy job,
go work for the Red Cross."

You're a lobbyist.

Your job is to be right, and
you're the best at what you do.

You're the sultan of spin.

"Sultan of spin"?

Mom subscribes to Newsweek.

Who cares what the Brads

of the world think?

He's not my dad.

You are.

And right there,
looking into Joey's eyes,

it all came back in a rush.

Why I do what I do...
Defending the defenseless,

protecting the
disenfranchised corporations

that have been abandoned
by their very own consumers...

The logger

the sweatshop foreman

the oil driller

the land mine developer

the baby seal poacher...

Baby seal poacher?

Even I think that's kind of cruel.

All right, you're
missing the point.

I must be, because I
thought you were apologizing.

I'm getting to that.

When?

Look.

The two of you, you're
basically my only friends,

and the last thing that
I would ever want to do

would be to hurt you.

And, I can only imagine...

Why are you smiling?

Why is he smiling?

He won a hundred bucks off of you.

I bet Polly you'd spill
the beans to that reporter.

That goes against
everything that we stand for.

Oh, please! You've ratted us
out to some reporter with tits!

Glorious tits.

Only after you created a betting
pool testing my incompetence?

Do you have any idea the
beating I'm taking at Moderation?

Well, look, I'm sure both of
you are under a lot of scrutiny.

You know what? You
can stop using the plural.

The guys at Safety actually liked
the name "Merchants of Death."

They're gonna have some
bumper stickers made up.

I'll make sure you get one.

Thank you.

That is disgusting.

It's American.

Can I have a bite?

Mmm.

So I guess this means

you won't be appearing at
Finistirre's subcommittee.

Hmm. I was kind of
looking forward to it, too.

It's kind of cool in a
Jimmy Stewart sort of way.

More like an Ollie
North sort of way.

Finistirre would have
torn you a new asshole

in a House of Parliament, no less.

I could have taken him.

Yeah. Oh, yeah? What
would you have said?

I don't know.

I'd just like him to feel
immeasurable pain,

humiliation.

Yeah, well, that
would be kind of tough.

I mean, he's already a Senator.

I mean, how would you get
back in even if you wanted to?

Uh-oh.

You're not gonna like this.

Hello. Thanks very much for coming.

First of all, I'd like
to say a few words

to all the people who are mentioned

in the recent newspaper article.

Please take comfort in knowing

that I will not rest until
your names are cleared.

This experience has taught
me an important lesson...

Having sexual affairs
with members of the press

is just unfair.

It's not unfair to me, mind you,

but to all the people in my life
whose only crime is knowing me.

It was your names,
not mine, that suffered

from a meaningless
affair with a seductress

in the form of a young
brunette Washington reporter

whose name I won't mention

because I have dignity.

Mr. Naylor!

Are you still
planning on testifying

at tomorrow's subcommittee
hearing on tobacco?

I'm glad you asked that question.

There have been
wide accusations of

me dropping out of
tomorrow's hearing.

Let it be known

that unless Senator Finistirre
has withdrawn my invitation

to speak, it is my plan
It's called a subpoena.

To be in Congress tomorrow
to share my knowledge

of big tobacco and all
those who enjoy its products.

Thank you very much.
I'll see you tomorrow.

Still feel like Jimmy Stewart?

Good.

Why don't you all go ahead?

This could be a while.

If we could, um... if we
could take our seats, please.

Gentlemen, ladies.

If I may call this
meeting to order.

We'll do everything we can to
keep things brief and concise

so that we can all
get out of here on time.

The skull and crossbones
means one thing:

Poison.

Thus, the message is quite clear.

Like any other product
that carries the branding,

if you take it, you will die.

Yes, but isn't this overkill?

Why don't we just use
words, as we currently do?

Something that describes the
dangers of cigarette smoking.

Well, the American
public is not affected

by masthead anymore.

They need images.

We've done studies which
show that consumers react

up to 80% more to
imagery rather than words.

The stats are there.

It's just sad

that the Academy of Tobacco
Studies did not release

this type of information earlier.

When you say the
Academy of Tobacco Studies,

you're referring to...

Yes.

To the coalition...

Yes, the coalition.

The big... big tobacco

that is represented by...

By, um...

And specifically.

Mr...

Um.

Mr., uh, Nick Naylor.

Nick Naylor?

Thank you very much.

The current use

of words instead of imagery

is an obvious move against the
non-English-speaking population

of the United States.

The skull and crossbones

speak loudly in all languages.

By not using it, they're saying

they want those who
can't read English to die.

Hmm. Senor Herrera,

could you clarify "they"?

Let it be known,

the public beating has
not gone out of style.

Nick Naylor, please step forward.

You go sit with him.

Please state your name,
address and current occupation.

My name is Nick Naylor.

I live at 6000 Massachusetts Avenue

and I am currently unemployed,

but until recently, I
was the vice president

of the Academy of Tobacco Studies.

Mr. Naylor,

as vice president of the Academy

of Tobacco Studies,
what was required of you?

What did you do?

I informed the public of
all the research performed

in the investigation on
the effects of tobacco.

Mm-hmm, and what,

so far, has the Academy concluded

in their investigation into
the effects of tobacco?

Well, many things, actually.

Why, just the other day
they uncovered evidence

that smoking can offset
Parkinson's disease.

I'm sure the health community

is thrilled.

Mr. Naylor, who provides
the financial backing

for the Academy of Tobacco Studies?

Uh... Conglomerated Tobacco.

That's the cigarette companies.

For the most part, yes.

Do you think that

might affect their priorities?

No, just as I'm sure

campaign contributions
don't affect yours.

Ohh.

Senators, Mr. Naylor is not
here to testify on the goings-on

of the Academy of Tobacco Studies.

We're here to
examine the possibility

of a warning logo on cigarettes.

Now, Mr. Naylor,

I have to ask you,
out of formality,

do you believe that
smoking cigarettes, over time,

can lead to lung cancer and
other respiratory conditions

such as emphysema?

Yes.

In fact, I think you'd
be hard-pressed

to find someone who really believes

that cigarettes are
not potentially harmful.

I mean, show of hands,
who out here thinks

that cigarettes aren't
dangerous... Mr. Naylor.

There's no need for theatrics.

Sir, I just don't see
the point in a warning

label for something
people already know.

The warning symbol

is a reminder, a reminder of the
dangers of smoking cigarettes.

Well, if we want to
remind people of danger,

why don't we slap a
skull and crossbones

on all Boeing airplanes,

Senator Lothridge?

And all Fords, Senator Dupree?

That is ridiculous.

The death toll from airline
and automobile accidents

doesn't even skim the
surface of cigarettes.

They don't even compare.

Oh, this from a senator
who calls Vermont home.

I don't follow you, Mr. Naylor.

Well, the real

demonstrated number one
killer in America is cholesterol,

and here comes Senator Finistirre,

whose fine state
is, I regret to say,

clogging the nation's arteries
with Vermont cheddar cheese.

If we want to talk numbers,
how about the millions of people

dying of heart attacks.

Perhaps Vermont cheddar

should come with a
skull and crossbones.

That is lud...

The great state of Vermont

will not apologize for its cheese.

Mr. Naylor,

we are here to discuss cigarettes.

Not planes, not cars... cigarettes.

Now, as we discussed
earlier, these warning labels

are not for those who know, but
rather for those who don't know.

What about the children?

Gentlemen

it's called education.

It doesn't come off the
side of a cigarette carton.

It comes from our teachers,

and more importantly, our parents.

It is the job of every parent

to warn their children of
all the dangers of the world,

including cigarettes, so that
one day, when they get older,

they can choose for themselves.

I look at my... son

who

was kind enough to
come with me today,

and I can't help but think

that I am responsible
for his growth

and his development.

And I'm proud of that.

Well, having said that,

would you condone him smoking?

Well, of course not. He's not 18.

That would be illegal.

Yes, I-I heard you
deliver that line on 20-20,

but enough dancing.

What are you going to
do when he turns 18?

Come on, Mr. Naylor.

On his 18th birthday, will
you share a cigarette with him?

Will you spend a lovely afternoon,

like one of your ludicrous
cigarette advertisements?

You seem to have a lot to say

about how we should
raise our children.

What of your own?

What are you going to do

when he turns 18?

If he really wants a cigarette,
I'll buy him his first pack.

Thank you for your testimony,
Mr. Naylor. You're excused.

I'll meet you outside, okay?

Great.

Well done, my boy.

Were you in the same room as me?

The whole personal choice thing?

They ate that shit up.

Just checked the whip count.

That bill is going down in flames.

Your speech was
unorthodox, but you did it, boy.

You crushed the fucker.

That's good news for you guys.

Oh. Whoa, whoa.

We're still a team, right?

What about damage control?

Look, Nick.

Winston-Salem is ready
to do whatever it takes

to keep you on board.

Nick, will you continue
fighting for cigarettes?

Of course he will.

This man here is our general.

We're not just
gonna let him retire.

Is that correct, Nick?

You're sticking with tobacco?

Now, I know what
you're probably thinking.

What a great opportunity for me

to teach Joey how to
use leverage against

a backstabbing boss.

But I actually meant what
I said about responsibility.

Some things are just more important

than paying a mortgage.

So I did the only
responsible thing I could.

I turned down the job.

And my timing couldn't
have been better.

Within a few months,
the cigarette companies

settled with the American smoker

to the tune of $246 billion.

And the Academy of Tobacco Studies

was permanently dismantled.

For the first time in decades,

BR found himself out of work.

Otherwise, not much has changed.

The MOD squad still
meets every week.

Nice.

We even added a few new members.

The things I could learn
from you, Bobby Jay.

Right.

Stick around. Stick around.

Senator Finistirre is still
fighting for his causes.

What do you say to
the people who claim

you are destroying cinema classics?

Mmm, no. All we're doing

is using digital technology

to tastefully update
movies of the past

by removing cigarettes.

I believe that if these
stars were alive today,

they would agree that
we're doing the right thing.

But, in essence, aren't
you changing history?

No, I think we're
improving history.

Even Heather is still reporting.

The whole town has been evacuated.

They're calling this
the storm of the century.

Not much changes at all.

And this year's Foggy Bottom
Debating Society Champion is

Joey Naylor.

Yay! Yay!

Joey!

Joey!

Joey, Joey!

That's my boy.

Hold it up. Hold it up.

And me?

Well, there's still a
place for guys like me.

So, be straight with me.

Is it true?

It could be. Come on.

We know of very few cases.

There's no scientific proof at all.

There was an unfortunate
incident out in Iowa...

It's really a
complicated situation.

Gentlemen,

practice these words
in front of the mirror.

"Although we are constantly
exploring the subject,

"currently, there is
no direct evidence

"that links cell phone usage

to brain cancer."

Michael Jordan plays ball.

Charles Manson kills people.

I talk.

Everyone has a talent.

♪ Some people say I'm a no count ♪

♪ Others say I'm no good ♪

♪ But I'm just a
natural-born travelin' man ♪

♪ Doin' what I think I should ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Doin' what I think I should ♪

♪ And I don't give a damn
about a greenback dollar ♪

♪ Spend it fast as I can ♪

♪ Oh, a wailin' song
and a good guitar ♪

♪ The only things
that I understand ♪

♪ Poor boy ♪

♪ The only things
that I understand ♪

♪ When I was a little baby ♪

♪ My mama said, "Hey, son ♪"

♪ "Travel where you will
and grow to be a man ♪

♪ "And sing what must be sung ♪

♪ "Poor boy ♪

♪ Sing what must be sung" ♪

♪ And I don't give a damn
about a greenback dollar ♪

♪ Spend it fast as I can ♪

♪ For a wailin' song
and a good guitar ♪

♪ The only things
that I understand ♪

♪ Poor boy ♪

♪ The only things
that I understand ♪

♪ Now that I'm a grown man ♪

♪ I've traveled here and there ♪

♪ I've learned that a bottle
of brandy and a song ♪

♪ The only ones who ever care ♪

♪ Poor boy ♪

♪ The only ones who ever care ♪

♪ And I don't give a damn
about a greenback dollar ♪

♪ Spend it fast as I can ♪

♪ For a wailin' song
and a good guitar ♪

♪ The only things
that I understand ♪

♪ Poor boy ♪

♪ The only things
that I understand ♪

♪ Some people say I'm a no count ♪

♪ Others say I'm no good ♪

♪ But I'm just a
natural-born travelin' man ♪

♪ Doin' what I think I should ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Doin' what I think I should ♪

♪ And I don't give a damn
about a greenback dollar ♪

♪ Spend it fast as I can ♪

♪ For a wailin' song
and a good guitar ♪

♪ The only things
that I understand ♪

♪ Poor boy ♪

♪ The only things
that I understand ♪

♪ The only things
that I understand ♪

♪ Poor boy ♪

♪ The only things
that I understand. ♪