All language subtitles for Mike & Molly - 01x23 - Victorias Birthday.720p.CTU.English.edit.Addic7ed.com

You know, these egg whites aren't bad.
I don't really miss the yolk at all.

Agreed. They don't add anything
to the overall egg experience,

except maybe texture,
color and flavor.

Well, in my mind, this is
a way better breakfast

than say, a caramel
frappuccino and a donut.

Oh, absolutely.

Are we talking about the
traditional glazed donut,

or the more cakey kind?

I'm talking about the little
mini chocolate ones.

You can have one on each finger
and still hold a cup of coffee.

You know, there's
a dunkin donuts

exactly one-point-two
miles from here.

One-point-two?

And you know that how?

I was going for my power walk,
and I was wearing my pedometer.

By the way, you can start
smelling them at point eight.

Okay. Okay!

We have really gotta stop this.

What? As long as we're
sticking to our diets

we can at least
fantasize, right?

Hey, that snickers we shared
in bed last night

was not a fantasy.

It was to me.

Besides, it was just a fun size,

and we burned those
calories off right away,

if you know what I mean.

Technically, I burned
those calories off.

Yeah, but I was rooting you on.

And I appreciate that.

But I'm gonna be good until
Victoria's birthday party,

and then I'm gonna have a piece
of cake the size of my head.

I thought your
sister didn't want

to make a big deal
about her birthday.

It's her thirtieth.

It's a milestone
and we're all having cake!

End of discussion!

Boy, I remember
when I turned 30.

Me and a couple of
buddies went to Vegas,

and we hooked up
with these two...

For one coupons to an
all-you-can-eat buffet,

had a nice dinner, went home
early, didn't do anything.

I'll never forget that night.

Morning.

You're just getting home?

Yeah. After the club closed,

there was an after party
in the parking lot,

then an after-after party in
the bouncer's pop-up camper.

Well, bong hit, bath and bed.

Party for your sister.

Good idea.

Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com

I can't believe you ladies
have never seen The Godfather.

I've tried to get Joyce
to watch it a thousand times,

but we always end up watching
some stupid chick flick.

And I'm not talking the
good "girl on girl" kind.

Well, why don't you
make her an offer that she can't refuse?

I did.

I said, "if I have to watch
pretty woman one more time,

You're
gonna sleep with the fishes."

I love Pretty Woman.

It really makes being
a hooker look like fun.

Shh!

I believe in America.

America has made my fortune,

and I raised my daughter
in the American fashion.

Who's this guy?

Are you gonna talk
through the whole thing?

Sorry. I just wanted
to know who that guy is.

You're not supposed to
know who that guy is yet.

Fine. I'll wait.

I gave her freedom, but...

I taught her never
to dishonor her family.

Did you remember to order the
cake for Victoria's birthday?

No. You know,
I wanted to ask you,

do you think we should do
cake or just cupcakes?

Ooh, cupcakes

are a smart idea.
You don't waste as much,

people can take them
home if they want.

This is the greatest movie ever

and all you're talking
about is cupcakes.

You know, now that I hear it out
loud, I think I'm back to cake.

Are you done?

Sorry.

With another boyfriend.

They made her drink whiskey...

Hey, what are you guys doing?

Oh, just hanging out.
You want to join us?

No.

I don't want to intrude.

Don't be silly.
The more the merrier.

Not so far.

Thank you for asking.

But you're doing
a couple's thing, and...

I don't want to be
the sixth wheel.

A lost and lonely
30-year-old sixth wheel.

Oh, goodness, do you
want to go or should I?

Maybe you should both go.

I just figured

by the time I turned 30,
I'd have a man in my life.

Sweetie, you have nothing
but men in your life.

No, I mean the same man
a bunch of nights in a row.

Some folks call that
a relationship.

Yeah, one of those.

So the bouncer in
the pop-up camper,

probably not a
long-term thing.

Oh, no.
Guys like that never are.

Neither are guys who live in
Winnebagos or hotdog trucks.

Good to know.

You show up for a second date,

and their whole house
has disappeared.

No note or nothing.

Just an orange extension cord
hanging from the outlet

and a half-eaten bun
on the curb.

Victoria, you shouldn't
pin your happiness

on whether you have
a man in your life or not.

Easy for you to say.

You've got a boyfriend.

You want him? He's yours.

I gotta warn you,
he's kind of a load.

Yeah, but at least you have
somebody to be disappointed in.

Listen, you've gotta...

You've gotta focus on
what makes you happy.

You know? I mean,
your job brings you

a lot of fulfillment, right?

Well,

putting makeup on
dead people is okay.

But as a rule, they don't give
you a lot of "pats on the back""

hey, I don't get a lot of
"attaboys" as a teacher, either.

But I know if I'm
reaching just one kid,

then I'm truly
making a difference.

Just one kid.

That's so great.

It is.

It's just all in how you
choose to look at it.

You're telling me
I should have a baby.

Uh...

Mom!

Coming! Anyway, Victoria's
always been my fragile one.

It all started when
she was five years old

and I lost her at the zoo.

Not entirely my fault.

I mean, if they're gonna
sell beer there,

mistakes will be made.

I think you should go talk to her.
What's going on?

She wants to have a baby,

and she sent me down here
to ask Mike for sperm.

You lovingly declined.

Oh, thank you.

Because I never know what
to say in those situations.

Let's go, Vince.

If you're gonna be her step-
daddy, you're gonna have to

start chiming in with
some fatherly advice.

Ah, geez, I just wanted
a nice, quiet evening

watching a bunch of goombahs

blast the crap
out of each other.

Why did you go to the police?

Why didn't you come to me first?

So, who's this guy?

Sweetheart, raising a child
is a lot of responsibility.

There's dressing them
and feeding them...

And not losing them
in Monkeyville.

I was hammered;
Give me a break.

I just feel like I've
got so much to give

and nobody to give it to.

You ever think
about pole dancing?

Vince, what is
the matter with you?

Hey, it's good money,
great exercise,

and she's bringing happiness to

a room full of sad
and lonely degenerates.

I think what Vince
is trying to say

is that maybe this
is not a good time

for you to have a baby.

No. What Vince is trying to say

is that you've got
a rocking bod,

and you should take
advantage of it

before you hit 40, and
your jugs become wind chimes.

Mom, make him stop talking.

Vince, get out of here
and go watch your movie.

Hey, she could push it to 45

if she sleeps in a support bra
and stays off the trampoline.

Out!

Here, take this up to my sister.

It'll make her feel better.

Oh, man, why you
doing this to me?

You'll be fine.

You got enough for a backup

if I accidentally
eat this on the stairs?

Go.

Just so you know,

if she asks for my sperm,

I'm trading her straight up
for this bad boy.

Oh, hey. I was just bringing
a little treat for Victoria.

Oh, good. I need a drink.

Funny, I was schnockered
when she was conceived,

and now it's the only way

I can carry on a conversation
with her.

Hey, there.

Molly made a little treat for
you and I didn't eat any of it.

Aw, that's so sweet of her.

Yep.

Can I have it?

Oh, right, right.

Ever since I was a little girl,

if I was feeling sad,

she'd make me a hot fudge sundae

with three Oreos
hidden on the bottom.

They're still there.
You can count them.

Do you want me to
leave you alone with that?

Maybe turn off the light.
That's usually how I do it.

Mike, what gives
your life meaning?

Oh, boy.

Well, there was a time when
I would've had a glossy photo

of that sundae
hanging in my locker.

I'm serious.

Well, I know for me, my job
gives me a lot of satisfaction.

Everyday I look forward to

putting on the uniform and
strapping on the side-arm

and serving the people
that I'm sworn to protect.

So, helping people
makes you happy?

Yeah, that and

feeling like I'm a part
of something important.

You know, something
bigger than me.

Oh, my God.

It's all so clear to me now.

Really?
Yes.

It's obvious what I have to do.

What's that?

I've gotta join the army.

Molly!

One hot beef and cheese
sandwich, with curly fries

and strawberry shake.

And one can of tuna.

Thank you.

While you're enjoying that,

I'll get your scratching post
and squeaky mouse.

I hope he gets fat someday.

You know, I'm proud of you.

You've been showing a lot
of self-control lately.

Yesterday, Molly had me take
her sister a hot fudge sundae,

and I didn't eat one bite of it.

And I had plenty of time alone
with it, too.

She never would've known.

They never do.

To this day, nobody at
the station can figure out

why the jelly-filled donuts
were sucked dry

before the box was even opened.

That's just
pulling the fire alarm,

and when no one's looking,

jamming a straw
into the jelly reservoir.

Well, it's brilliant.

You're like Foodini.

Hey, guys.

Hey, sweetie. What
are you doing here?

Well, per your conversation
with Victoria,

she decided to check out
the army recruiting office

and see if she could
"be all she could be."

Turns out, I can't.

I had no idea
the army was so strict.

I mean, the whole thing
is just rules, rules, rules.

It's no wonder they're always
fighting with someone somewhere.

I will say, you do make
that uniform look very good.

Thank you.

Seriously, I've been
standing at attention

since you walked
through the door.

At ease, Carl.

I just don't know if

the United States army is ready
for private Victoria Flynn

and her two-gun salute.

You see, fellas,
I'm just not a morning person

and they're all about that.

I don't even know if
my alarm clock has "0500" on it.

Yeah, and apparently,
they still have

a "don't ask, don't show up
high" policy, so...

I'm disappointed
the army wouldn't take me.

I look really hot in camouflage.

Yes, you do.

But black's really my color.

Me, too.

You know, nuns wear black,
and they take anybody.

Come on, Victoria,
you're being silly.

Hang on.

May I point out that you
don't have to become a nun

to have a relationship
with God.

Carl.

What?

Hey, I've found a lot
of comfort in my faith

without the unrealistic
expectation of celibacy.

Carl.

I could not walk this
Rocky path of life without

the tender guidance of my
sweet and powerful savior.

Carl.

Can I walk on that path
with you?

Carl!

Take my hand and we
will walk it together.

Oh, dear God.

Amen.

Do you know how many games
I'm missing right now?

Suck it up;
We're being supportive.

Do they serve wine before
or just during?

This is a baptist church;
They don't serve wine.

So, BYOB?

There's no wine.

Well, then I have to ask myself
"what would Jesus do?"

I think dude would go burn one
in the parking lot.

No, no. You already
burned one in the car.

So glad you could
make it, sister.

Brother Michael, sister Molly.

Dumb-ass Carl.

I hope after the service,
you'll join us in the rectory

for cake and pie
and good Christian fellowship.

But no wine, right?

Not on the premises,
but we can hit a liquor store

and drive to the beach.

And if the spirit moves you,
I can baptize you

in the healing waters
of Lake Michigan.

Did you happen to bring
a white t-shirt?

I'm afraid not.

Oh, that's cool. I got a few
in the trunk of my car.

Carlton, you need
to get your robe on

and take over the keyboard
for Sister Shirese.

She's sweating
something fierce,

and the whole sanctuary
smells like Remy Martin.

All right, grandma.

If you sit up close,

you can watch me work
my magic on the organ.

Get your perverted self
in that sanctuary.

What have I told you
about trying to use Jesus

as your wingman?

And as we read in
First Corinthians, chapter 13,

verse 11, "when I was a child,
I spoke like a child.

Yes.

"I thought like a child,
I reasoned like a child."

Yes.

"But when I became an adult,

I put an end
to my childish ways."

How much longer
is this thing gonna go on?

Shh.

I'm hungry.

You sure you don't have
a cough drop

or a piece of gum or something?

We ate before we
left the house.

Yeah, skim milk
and puffed rice.

That's just food-shaped air.

Could you guys be quiet?

God's talking.

Sweetie, you realize
that man's not actually God.

I know.

It's one of his helpers,
like Santa Claus.

...Verse 35, it reads,

"I was hungry
and you gave me food."

"I was thirsty
and you gave me drink."

I'm in hell.

You don't have anything to eat?

I have two butter
rum life savers.

You can have one of them.

I knew you were
holding out on me.

Lying in the House of God;
Real nice.

And when you rest
in the bosom of the Lord,

brothers and sisters,
you shall be saved!

Amen!

When you walk with God...

You will never walk alone,

- Yes.
- for he's right there beside you,

keeping you on the path
to righteousness!

Ah, testify!

You don't have to have

all the answers in life.

You see, because only
the savior knows

what this great journey
has in store for all of us.

Trust in him,

open up your heart
and you shall be empty no more.

And now

let us welcome back
Sister Rosetta

to lead us in our closing hymn.

Stop now.
Let's go.

I don't need to give myself
to a man

or have a baby or join the army.

No, you don't.

No, I need to give myself
to God!

Well...

Here I come, God!

Good luck, Lord.

This one's a handful.

Do we really have to wait
for Victoria?

Mike, it's her birthday.

I'm just saying, I know
how we can suck the middle

out of this whole thing,
and she'd never know.

Eat your rice cake.

Bleh.

So, how long you think
this whole

religion thing's gonna stick?

I don't know.
Over the years, she's been

a Buddhist, an orthodox Jew,
rastafarian.

During a two-hour layover at the
Denver airport, a hare krishna.

Well, you're a good sister
for being so supportive.

I have been.

And it has been a long week.

So, seriously,
you can get the middle

out of this thing
without her knowing?

Thought you'd never ask.

Here, breathe through your nose.

Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com