All language subtitles for Mike & Molly - 01x22 - Cigar Talk.720p.ctu.Engli.edit.Addic7ed.com

I mean, I understand that
the woman is new to the school

and everybody's bending
over backwards

trying to make her feel welcome,
but "teacher of the month?"

Please.

That's an outrage.

And it has nothing to do
with the fact

that I was "teacher of the
month" for the last six months.

You know, two more
and I would have gotten

to keep the ceramic owl.

I did not know that.

Not that I'm
bragging, you know.

Just a deserved recognition
for being a good teacher.

I didn't get it for wearing
a push-up bra and giggling like an idiot

every time some man
"makes a funny."

That reminds me.

Did you hear the joke
about the blind prostitute?

Mike, I'm telling you
about my day.

Punch line is "you gotta
hand it to her."

You know, 'cause she's blind.
Yeah.

I tell you, Joyce,

I'm really starting to get
the hang of this yoga malarkey.

If I get any more limber,
I won't need you anymore.

Hey, cowboy,

if you can do it, do it.

That cuts my workload in half.

She's got you doing yoga?

Yeah, she wants to show me off
at her high school reunion.

That's why she's got me
twisting in knots

and sniffing my own buttocks.

I can't wait to glide into
that Sheraton banquet hall

with this hunk of Italian
sausage on my arm.

You know, when you describe
me as a piece of meat,

it makes me feel
like a piece of meat.

Anyway, if you ask me, I think
little miss "teacher of the month"

is in for a rude awakening.

And we're back.

She's gonna, she's gonna find

that your field trips,
and learning games

and, you know, trying to be
best friends with the kids

is not the-- a substitute
for actual teaching.

I mean, she lets the kids
call her by her first name.

There is a balance between
being loving and being firm.

I don't think miss
Jennifer gets that.

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love. ♪

It's just insane the way
people are fawning all over her.

Oh, did I tell you about
the great parking spot they gave her?

You did.
I was appalled.

Oh, look, escape from
the planet of the apes is on.

I think that's the one where
the monkeys go back in time

and wear suits and get jobs.

Mike.

That parking thing
is a travesty.

Right?

And meanwhile, I'm parking
behind the cafeteria,

under a tree filled with birds

who apparently eat nothing
but lasagna and chocolate milk.

My glutes are still vibrating
from that yoga class.

You could shake up
a Martini in my crack.

Hey, I just got a batch
of Cuban cigars

and I thought you might
want to partake.

That sounds great.

Mike, we're-we're in the middle
of a conversation.

It's just the middle?

I'd love to Vince,

but, uh, my girlfriend
is sharing her day with me.

Actually, we're
sharing our days

with each other.

Yeah, right. That.

Well, have you gotten
to the part

where you pass on an $80 cigar

because you were pretending
to listen to your girlfriend?

Hey, I'm not pretending.
I listen to every word she says.

I could tell you for a fact
that today, for lunch,

Molly had lasagna
and chocolate milk.

Go smoke.

Nothing like the taste
of a fine havana cigar

smuggled through the negligent
borders of our Canadian cousins.

Lucky for the both of us,
we're burning the evidence.

Where the commies fall short
is tennis shoes and electronics.

Never ever buy a Cuban iPhone

or a pair of air castros.

Good to know.

Listen,

I wanted to talk to you
about something.

Kind of a personal matter.

Oh, boy, everybody's
in a chatty mood tonight.

What I'm about to tell you
is strictly hush-hush.

'Cause if Joyce ever found out,
it would kill her.

Thank you for the cigar and
the pleasant conversation,

but I don't want to hear
about another woman.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

This ain't about me
getting some on the side. Geez.

I got to pop oysters
and stiffy pills

just to keep up with
the big red machine in there.

Good.

'Cause I really want
to finish that cigar.

Come on, sit down.

Take a considerable load off.

Okay, here it is.

All this talk about
Joyce's high school reunion

has made me feel bad

about not being
a high school graduate.

Is that it?

Yeah, what'd you think,

I was gonna profess
my love to you?

No, it's just that

not graduating from high
school isn't that big a deal.

It is to me.

And I've never told that
to another living soul.

You're kidding.
Well,

I was gonna confide it
to my wife on her death bed,

but we had so many other
important things to talk about.

Of course.

Code to the alarm system,

her recipe for manicotti,

what dry cleaners
my good black suit was at.

Well, if you're worried about
what Joyce will think,

I'm sure she'll understand.

Joyce must never know.

I don't want her to find out

my worldly,
sophisticated exterior

is nothing but a facade.

You know, technically,
the exterior is the facade.

I think it's French
or something.

See, that right there
is why I don't tell people.

You're already talking to me
like I'm an idiot.

No, I'm just saying,
you shouldn't feel bad

about not graduating
high school.

Easy for you to say;
You're a learned man.

Well, I wouldn't say "learned,"

but I had a strong "c" average
in high school,

which made the transition to
junior college a smooth path.

Hang on. You're telling me
you went to college?

Two full years and a
mandatory summer session.

That was eighth grade for me!

Geometry made me its bitch.

Ell, why don't you just
get your ged?

That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

You're a government employee.

Maybe you could pull
a couple of strings

and slide me one
under the table.

Doesn't really work that way.

This isn't something I can just
fix, like a parking ticket.

You told me you couldn't fix
parking tickets. I can't.

Then why are you
dangling the carrot?

Look, if you want
to get your ged,

you got to take the test.
But lucky for you,

there's a woman in that house
that can help you study.

You mean Molly.

Voted "teacher of the mont""
six times in a row.

She received the coveted
ceramic owl.

She doesn't really
like me, though.

I mean, I get that kids
are always standoffish

when they know
you're banging their mom,

but she goes the extra mile.

Yeah, she has yet to succumb
to your unique charms.

Plus, women tell each other
everything,

and she'll end up
blabbing it to Joyce.

Can't argue with you there.

That family could
talk underwater.

Hey, maybe you could get
a tutor.

How 'bout you?

I don't know. I was always

kind of a "wing and a prayer"
kind of student.

They used to call me
Mr. cliff notes.

But what about junior college?

That's really just a high school
where you can smoke.

My point exactly.

If a load like you can get
kicked through the system,

there's still hope for me.

Well, that's not flattering,

but I can certainly see
what got you there.

A shower was a good idea.

I am fresh as a Daisy.

Unfortunately, now your loofah
smells like cigar smoke and b.O.

Sexy.

Did you and Vince
have a good time tonight?

It was okay.
He's a decent enough guy.

See, that's where
you and I part ways.

What did he want
to talk to you about?

Nothing in particular.

Just cigar talk.

"Cigar talk?"
You know,

"this is a good cigar."

"Glad you like it."
"I like it a lot."

"Hey, is that a cat?"

"No, it's a possum."
Cigar talk.

Well, I guess that's more fun

than having a conversation
with your girlfriend.

Only because of the cigars
and the possum sighting.

May I offer you some
squeaky-clean loving?

Hang on, hang on.

So Vince just wanted
to give you an $80 cigar

and didn't want
anything in return?

Same guy that offered
you a box of steaks

in exchange for a
handicap parking pass.

I felt bad about that.

He already bought those
nice aluminum crutches.

But tonight, he just wanted to
share something in confidence,

you know, man-to-man.

Doesn't have anything to
do with my mom, does it?

Not really; I mean,
other than the fact

he doesn't want her
to know about it.

Wait a minute,
are you telling me

that he's keeping
something from her?

Just because
he's deeply ashamed.

Okay. So if that's
a "no" on the sex,

I will bid you good night.

What can I do?
A man tells me a secret,

I got to take it to the grave.

Of course.

So Vince moranto didn't
graduate high school.

And you can understand why I
couldn't tell Molly that, right?

Absolutely.

It's a personal,
private matter.

And we all know women are
notorious blabbermouths.

I hate to say it,

but it is kind of true,
isn't it?

I tell my grandma one secret
and the next thing you know,

everybody in church is
peeking around to see

if I'm really going commando
underneath my choir robe.

You actually do that?

If they spent the money
on air-conditioning

instead of that
stupid youth bus,

I wouldn't have to
be swinging low

while I'm singing
"sweet chariot""

hey, what are you guys
talking about?

Molly's mom's boyfriend told
Mike something in confidence,

and now Molly's upset because
Mike didn't tell her what it is.

Oh... women love the gossip,
don't they?

In Senegal, I once dated
two sisters at the same time,

and it was less than a week

before they blabbed it
to each other.

Then on top of that, they tried
to make me the bad guy.

So what is the big secret?

Vince didn't graduate
high school.

Interesting.

You know, Henry the cook
is a dropout, too.

But you didn't hear it from me.

So, I was looking through
one of the study guides,

and they say
the best way to start

is by taking a sample test.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Right to it?

No foreplay?

You don't want
to dance or rub zippers?

Look, this is just a way to find
out where your weak areas are

and what we need
to concentrate on.

I can tell you
what my weak areas are:

Processing dairy
and taking tests.

And they both turn my bowels
into an ass Cannon.

Vince, relax.

And remember, most of this stuff
is just common sense.

So take your time
and do your best.

All right.

"Which of the following
political actions

"violated the principles of
unalienable rights of liberty

that evolved from the U.S.
Declaration of independence?"

Is this for high school

or to become
President of the United States?

Come on.
Just think it through

and break it down.
I told you,

I don't break things down well,

and I had a milk shake
for lunch.

All right, let's just move on
to the next question.

Fine.

"Which three of the
original 13 colonies..."

For crying out loud,

I don't know if this
is math or history.

I'm not really sure where
they're headed, either.

Just forget it.

I'm not good at tests.

I never been good at tests.

I get nervous,
I can't focus, I get fidgety.

Add?

Hey, I can add.

I just don't like tests.

Bathroom break.

Vince, we just got started.

Wasn't really a question.

This one right here

was prom queen, junior
and senior year.

She's a cute little filly.

Now she's a
beer-hauling clydesdale.

Well, that prom queen
is going to be green with envy

when she sees you walking in,

with your yoga Booty
and your sexy man on your arm.

Oh, yeah.

She'll be snorting
and stomping her hoof.

I better bring some
carrots and sugar cubes.

Ooh, something smells
good in here.

I'm trying a new
brownie recipe.

The secret is lessg smells
brownie, more pot.

Don't burn it
like the last batch.

I was second-hand
high for a week.

So... where's
Vince tonight?

Mm, he said he had to work late,
but he's coming over later.

Ooh, that reminds me.

I gotta wax the wigglies.

Hey, is, uh, everything
okay with you two?

Sure.

You didn't notice anything
odd about his behavior?

Well, he's been
a little cranky lately,

but he's probably
just annoyed at me

for pushing him
to lose weight, grow hair

and have his neck wattle
taped back.

Why do you ask?

Oh, no reason.

You're my mom. I love you.

Just want to make sure
you're happy.

Oh. Well, thank you, baby.

Oh.

I am.

Good.

"Working late""

that dirtbag's not
even a good liar.

What's going on?

I don't know for sure.

But I know that he and Mike

had a little secret
man talk last night,

and Mike's being
very cagey about it.

You don't think Vince is

doing anything behind
mom's back, do you?

See, that's where
my mind went, too.

Oh, my God, he's
cheating on her, isn't he?

You did not hear that from me.

How long is it going to
take you to grade this thing?

Hang on a second.

"Add the combined scores
of sentence structure

and usage with the subtotal of
language arts from page three."

Man, this is like putting
together a bookcase from Ikea.

You know what? Forget about it.

I'm sure I flunked.

No. Now, just hang on a second.

We don't know that.

Bup, bup, bup...
Carry the two...

Now we know that you flunked.

My old man always
told me I was an idiot.

You know what?
He was right.

Come on, you're not an idiot.

You're just not
a good test taker.

Remarkably bad, in fact.

Well, how else am I
going to get a ged?

Abraham Lincoln never
graduated high school.

He did pretty well f himself.

Yeah, except for getting
shot in the head.

To be fair,
a high school diploma's

not going to stop a bullet.

So you're saying I just got to
live with my secret shame?

Everybody's got one.

I'll share mine with you,
it makes you feel better.

Food?

Maybe.

The point is, the more
you try to hide it,

the worse it's going to feel.

Why don't you just go to Joyce

and tell her the truth?
I don't know.

You'll feel a lot better.
And the woman loves you.

She's not going to judge you
over something like that.

Would you mind going
with me to tell her?

You know, for moral support.

I'd be happy to.

All right.

Boy, I hope she's
going to be okay

when she finds out her erudite
prince is just a well-hung frog.

"Erudite." I can't believe

you didn't score higher
on the verbal.

Listen. When I get in there,
I may embellish my reasons

for dropping out of
school a little bit.

Papa got sick,
I had to work the fields,

care for the other young'uns.

Something in that vein.

For another cigar,

I'll tell her you were
a coal miner's daughter.

What is going on here, Mike?

I gotta talk to your mom.

He just needs to get
something off his chest.

Yeah? What's that? The
breasts of a younger woman?

Joyce, doll, why you crying?

I know all about
your dirty little secret.

Who told you?
Did you tell her?

I didn't tell anybody.

Except Carl and Samuel.
Oh!

You could tell Carl and Samuel,
but you couldn't tell me!

You really thought you could

keep something like that
from me?

Boy, you're dumber
than I thought.

I had to work the fields.

Oh...

You're such a pig!

Whoa! I'm sorry
I didn't tell you,

but you're kind of
making me feel bad.

Well, you should feel bad.

You're cheating on my mother.

What?!
Mm-hmm.

I never cheated on you.
Then why you

showing up here with your tail
tucked between your legs?

I came to tell you

I don't have
a high school diploma. And now,

thanks to lumpy,
the study partner,

I never will.

What?

I was ashamed to tell you,

'cause I thought
you'd think less of me.

But apparently you already do.

You told me he was
having an affair!

No. Now...

I didn't exactly
use those words.

It's all moot.
Damage is done.

I got this, mom.

"Moot." The man is a wordsmith.

Vince, wait.
Look,

I get that I'm not
your favorite person,

but I never thought
you'd spread lies about me.

I'm sorry.

I may not have
a formal education

or a high school diploma,
but I got a heart;

And you stuck a knife in it
by way of my back.

I know. I-I made
a terrible mistake.

Let me make it up to you.

How? A kick in the groin?

No, thank you.

Hey! Moranto!

What?

I think you owe me
an apology, too.

I mean, you have an actual
teacher right here,

and you asked Mike
to tutor you.

I regret that deeply.

The only thing
I learned from that guy

is that the Chicago police department
is not a very picky organization.

Come on.
Give me a chance.

Why you want to help me?

Well, it's why I
became a teacher.

And seeing as that
you're my mom's fiancé,

I... kind of makes you family.

Family?

Kind of.

Damn it,

you're a tough nut to crack.

But I love you, snowball,
I really do.

Okay, okay.

Oh, Vince, I'm so sorry
I doubted you.

We just didn't know
what to think, Vince.

But stupid is so much
better than cheater.

I forgive all you broads.

Hey, where's the big guy?

Yes! The apes do wear suits
and get jobs.

Wow, I can't believe
you got Vince

to actually go
and take the ged exam.

Part of what a good teacher does
is to inspire her students,

you know, instill in them
that confidence that they need

to go out and achieve
academic excellence.

Well, I guess we know why
you hold the record

for "teacher of the month."

Every student is different.

You have to figure out what
their individual needs are.

Now, for Vince,

I just had to give him
the proper tools

to overcome his fear
of taking tests.

Oh, man.

Do you guys know what happened

to the two pot brownies
I was saving?

Done.

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