All language subtitles for Mike & Molly - 01x18 - Mikes Feet.2HD.Englih.C.edit.Addic7ed.com

I'm not going to make it
over tonight, sweetie.

Yeah, I got to pull
another double shift.

The snowstorm's
left us shorthanded,

and somebody's got
to keep the city

from crumbling
into anarchy and mob rule.

Hand me the pringles.

No, no. The ranch.

I'll see you tomorrow
when I get off of work.

I love you, too.

Poor thing.
She really misses me.

Well, life with a police officer
is a life of sacrifice.

That's why I've chosen not
to enter into a relationship.

Isn't fair to the woman.

I see. It's got nothing to do

with her being unwilling
to climb in your window

after your grandma falls asleep.

Hey, if a woman's not willing
to shimmy up a drainpipe

to get a little taste
of Carl McMillan,

then she's too full
of herself, anyway.

You know what?

If we're going to
be here for a while,

I'm going to kick my shoes off.

Uh-uh. Leave those
nasty things on.

I don't want to be breathing
your stanky foot funk.

Hey, my socks got soaking wet

pushing that car
out of the ditch,

and I don't want
to catch a cold.

So you're going to air 'em
out over the heating vents?

You might as well just stick
your toes in my nostrils.

And besides, I told you to
wear your galoshes today.

I don't like the galoshes.

They compromise
the dignity of the uniform.

Right. Kind of like that
big glob of pickle relish

you got on your badge.

It's salsa.

Regardless, I'd prefer you
to leave your shoes on.

It's bad enough to be smelling

your breath, armpits
and backside.

We don't need to be adding
the smell of your feet

and my vomit to the mix.

I hate to tell you this,
but after a double shift,

you're not exactly a romp
in a flowery meadow.

Hey, every time we've
stopped for coffee,

I have brushed my
teeth, washed my face

and splashed on a couple a
drops of my signature scent.

Yeah, let's talk
about your signature scent.

What is it, exactly?

'cause it smells like
the inside of a hamster cage.

That's the cedar bark.

It also contains sandalwood,
clove and a hint of jasmine.

But I'm guessing those
aromatic subtleties are lost

on a man who has two blocks
of parmesan cheese for feet.

Fine.

Let's stop at a drugstore,
and I'll buy some new socks.

You need to buy some new feet.

You know what?
Screw it.

The shoes are coming off.

Then I'm opening
all the windows.

Fine. It's ten below.

We'll both just
freeze to death.

I'd rather freeze
to death than die

from a bad case of
parmesan foot lung.

Hey, whatever.
Doesn't bother me.

Doesn't bother me, either.

Hey, I like the cold.

Turn on the air conditioner.

Don't think I won't.
Do it.

I'm gonna!

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love. ♪

Sync and corrections by GeirDM
for www.addic7ed.com

What are you doing?
It's ten below out here!

Well, it's 4:59 in here,

and we don't open until 5:00.

You know, we have a
battering ram in the car.

And I've got french toast
in the back, so play nice.

Come on!

Morning, gentleman.

Do you have a reservation?

I don't want to sit here.

Why not?

It's too close to the door.
I prefer a booth.

Fine.
We'll do whatever you want,

like we always do.

Oh, really?

We always do what I want?

That's why we got
to listen to bluegrass music

on the drive home every night?

It's not bluegrass,
it's roots music.

They ain't my roots.

Just a bunch of hillbillies
with banjos

complaining
about the train being late.

♪ Where's that train♪
♪

♪ She's on that train,
I missed that train ♪

♪ Train, train, train. ♪

If you don't like
my choice in music,

get another ride to work.

It wasn't my idea to carpool.

Well, I thought it would save
you a little money

with both of us paying for gas.

And it would, if we were
both actually paying for gas.

Unfortunately,
your wallet and your pants

are like Superman
and Clark Kent.

Never in the same place
at the same time.

I'm not going to apologize
to you for being frugal.

Frugal? You live rent-free
at your grandma's house,

and she even cuts your hair.

Cutting my hair brings
that old woman a lot of joy.

Besides, nana cuts
the straightest lines in town.

I'd be a fool
to bring my business elsewhere.

Seriously though,

don't you think
it's a little weird,

a grown man living
with his grandmother?

Hey, I don't live with her,
she lives with me.

In her house.

Yes. Which I'll inherit
when she dies.

And as long as we're asking

the tough questions,
let my ask you something.

How are you so...

Fat? Is that what you want
to know, smart guy?

No, actually, I was going
to say "bull-headed."

I spend all day
in a car with you.

I know why you're so fat.

You know,
just because I'm overweight,

you think you're better than me.

Not at everything.
Just foot racing, swimming,

climbing, getting in the car,
getting out of the car,

picking up a quarter,
pushing a plate away.

That's it! I'm
switching tables!

Oh, and deny me
your witty conversation

and brilliant repartee?

Hey! I'm done
talking to you.

I was done talking to you first.

You always got
to get the last word in, huh?

Sure as hell not going
to get the last doughnut.

Oh, good.

Spread the crappy tip
over two tables.

I hope the lasagna's okay.

It's all fat-free.

I used three different
types of cheeses

and diced up fresh tomatoes
and garlic for the sauce.

It's fine.

Well, that's
what I was shooting for.

"fine."

Last chance
to throw in "and dandy"

just to keep a girl
from hanging herself.

What? Oh, I'm sorry,
sweetie. It's great,

and I really appreciate you
going to all the trouble.

Well, you've been working
really hard lately.

So do criminals actually venture
out in this kind of weather?

Not really. Today was mostly

assisting stranded motorists

And helping an old lady chip
her frozen cat out of a tree.

Oh, my god. Please tell me
that didn't actually happen.

I wish I could.
We ended up just sawing off

the whole branch
and leaving it on her porch.

I, for one, appreciate the fact

that there are brave men like
you out there protecting us.

I'll tell you,
the real challenge

is being stuck in a car
with Carl all day.

He's always pushing my buttons,
picking away,

trying to get my goat.

Pick, pick, pick, pick, pick.

Well, the important thing is,
you're here now,

and-and we're together.

Hey, I had, uh, quite
the adventure myself today.

We just got
this new vice principal and...

You know what Carl was giving me
a hard time about today?

I don't.

My feet.

He said my feet
smell like cheese.

Parmesan.

Yeah.

But they don't, do they?

No.

God, no.

I don't know how much longer
I can put up with him.

I mean, he's really starting
to drive me crazy.

I understand.
But when you start

to feel yourself
getting mad at him,

just remember he's tired

And overworked, and probably
just needs somebody to vent to.

So do I, but I choose not to.

I suffer in silence.

True.

But if it gets too bad,

you have the option
of venting to me.

Oh, I would never do that.

Our time together is precious.

Well, Carl's not the stoic rock
that you are, sweetie, and...

he doesn't have
a regular girlfriend, and...

I know, I'm all he's got.

Poor little loser.

Be patient with him.

Be the bigger man.

And when he starts
to drive you crazy,

just take a deep breath,

And try and remember
that you love him.

It's not going to be easy.

Trust me, it's not.

Now, is there anything I can do

to take care of my big,
strong, hardworking man?

Boy, after dinner,
I'd sure love a foot rub.

Oh, come on.

You can do better than that.

I said anything.

Please.

And just remember,
if you do start to slide,

don't panic, and just
turn into the skid.

Carl, I know how to
operate a motor vehicle.

Mm-hmm. You scored a 62
on your police driver's test.

Give me a break. I
knocked down one cone.

Yeah, and that one cone could
have been an old lady or a baby.

How many babies you see

just laying in the middle
of the road?

One is all it takes.

Not supposed to talk on your
cell phone while you're driving.

I'll keep it short, okay?

The length of the call
doesn't matter.

It's against the law
in the city of Chicago.

Uh-huh. So is murder.

Hey, sweetie.

Just being in the car with you
makes me an accessory.

Oh, yeah. That
will be great.

Sounds like fun.

Very thoughtful.

I could use a little break.

I love you, too.

I'll see you tonight.

What are you talking about,
seeing her tonight?

I just signed us up
for another double shift.

Well, I can't do it.
Molly wants to take me

to the Drake Hotel
for a little in-town getaway.

Call her back
and tell her you can't go.

I can't call her back.
It's against the law

in the city of Chicago.

We're talking
double golden time.

You don't just turn your back
on that kind of money.

Well, I'm sorry.

Unlike you, I'm not ruled
by the almighty dollar.

Yeah. You're ruled
by the almighty girlfriend.

Hey, I do what I want.
She's not the boss of me.

Watch the road!
I am!

Uh-oh.

Turn into it!
Turn into it.

Don't tell me how to drive!

Turn into it.

"hey, Carl.

"why don't you let
me drive today?

That way, you can
relax a little."

You distracted the
driver of the vehicle.

We were having a conversation.

I didn't throw a snake at you.

Why don't you just admit
that you're a crappy driver?

I'm not going to let you
get to me today, Carl.

You know why? Because
I'm the bigger man here.

You're the bigger man
everywhere.

You notice the car didn't
tip over on my side.

Okay.

You need to vent, go ahead.

But it's not going
to change the fact

that you're a loser and
you need to get a life.

Who are you calling a loser?

Molly was right about
you. You're lonely,

you don't have a girlfriend.

You dump all your crap on me.

Oh, I see. So now
you're bad-mouthing me

to your girlfriend now?
That's what you do

when you're in a
healthy relationship.

But you wouldn't know that

'cause I'm all you've got.

And this is not healthy!

You know what?
The hell with you!

I'm out of here.

Man, get off of me!
I wouldn't be on you

if you didn't put the car in a ditch!
Shut up!

You shut up!

Boy, I hope he's okay.

What time was he supposed
to pick you up?

About an hour ago.

Did you try calling him?

Yeah, I'm just getting
voice mail, and I can't listen

to "Devil went down to Georgia"
one more time.

Maybe he's late

Because he had to stop a
bank heist or defuse a bomb.

I dated a cop once.

It happened to him
all the time.

And it was weird,
'cause he was a mall cop.

It was weird, but I think
we're straying from the...

topic at hand.

We had a topic?

Good for us!

I just hope

This little weekend getaway,
you know, helps relax him.

He's been
so stressed out lately,

and he just comes home and eats
and dumps his day on me.

Mm, vince does that
to me constantly.

Well, how do you deal with it?
Well,

I try to remember that men
are ruled by testosterone,

which is essentially a poison.

So when you get that big, loud
mouth jabbering in your face,

you just say to yourself:

"This is a sick individual.

He is suffering
from semen brain."

Aw, mom,
I don't know what I'd do

without your folksy wisdom.

Oh, my god, Mike,
what happened?

I had a little car accident.

It's nothing... the paramedics
made me wear this thing.

Do you have whiplash?

'cause that can be
pretty serious.

No, nothing like that...
Carl stepped on my neck

climbing out of the car.

Ooh, look... they
have a spa here.

Wouldn't it be fun
to get a couples massage?

Hot oil, scented candles,
romantic music.

Eh.

What do you mean, "eh"?

I don't like the idea
of strangers touching me,

laying naked on a table
while some ukrainian guy

uses my ass as a speed bag.

Okay, that's not how they
describe it in the brochure.

Boy, he is never
gonna let me forget

about putting that
car in the ditch.

"you're a lousy driver!

You knocked down the cone!
You killed the baby!"

A 62 is still

a very respectable score.

Okay, why don't we just forget
about Carl for tonight.

I'm sure Monday morning,
everything'll be back to normal

between you guys.

Oh, I don't know.
In the tow truck,

he said he wanted a new
partner... and you know what?

Fine by me.
Good riddance.

Why don't you just call
him and settle this thing?

You'll feel so much
better when you do.

And let him think that he's
ruining our romantic getaway?

Ha! I wouldn't give him
the satisfaction.

Yeah, but he kind of is.

Oh, no, he's not... I'm gonna
take a nice, hot shower,

and when I come back,
I'm gonna make sweet love

to my girlfriend,
something Carl can't do,

'cause Carl doesn't have a
girlfriend, 'cause Carl's a loser,

and I'm a winner.
So drop your drawers

and assume the position and get
ready to make love to a winner!

Get ready to make love
to a pillow.

Carlton! You keep slamming doors
and stomping around,

and I'm coming up there
with my King James bible

and a whipping belt!

Lord, give me patience
or an untraceable handgun.

Hi. I'm not sure
if you remember me.

You're Michael's
little lady friend.

- Yeah. Molly.
- Of course.

Come on in, baby.

Oh, don't tell me
those two idiots

dragged you into
this childishness.

Do you have any idea
what they're fighting about?

'cause Mike's not
making any sense at all.

Well, whatever it is, I
guarantee you it's stupid!

Sit down.

Last time they had a
big fight like this,

it was over Popeye's chicken
versus Kentucky Fried.

Really?
Mm-hmm.

And that one could only be
resolved with a blind taste test.

Yeah, after all that mess,

they both ended up choosing
the other one's chicken.

How often do they
have fights like this?

Couple times a year.

Usually during a cold
snap or a heat wave.

They stay cooped up in
that squad car too long

and start going at each other

Like two monkeys
having a poop fight.

What's going on down here?

Like he wasn't sitting
on the top step

listening to every word.

Hey, Carl.

Look, if you're here
to apologize

for your boyfriend,
I'm not interested.

That's not why I'm here.

That man said
some very hurtful things,

malicious things,
insinuating that I'm cheap.

Cheap? Boy wears his underwear
until it disintegrates.

It's like trying
to wash cobwebs.

Look,
all I know is,

I'm trying to have a romantic
weekend with Mike, and...

all he can talk about is you.

Really?

Is that a source
of pride for you,

you masturbating knucklehead?

The boy's so cheap,

he's got magazines
dating back to pubic hair.

Okay, well...

Let's not open that
can of worms, please.

I was just hoping
that you guys could,

well, work this out.

You heard her.

Pick up the phone right now
and put an end to this mess.

Oh, just because he has a girlfriend,
I'm the one that has to apologize?

No, you're gonna apologize

because it's the
Christian thing to do.

And if you don't,
I'm gonna part your behind

like it's the Red Sea
and my foot is Moses!

You know what? I don't have
to stand here and take this!

All right, sit down if you want,
'cause I'm just warming up.

A man should be treated with
more respect in his own house.

Well, if you ever get one and
I'm ever in it, I'll do that.

Do you have somewhere
you need to get to,

or would you like
to have a cup of tea?

I'd love a cup of tea.

All right, coming right up.

Molly?

Where you been?
Did you forget your key?

Sending your girlfriend to fight
your fights for you now, huh?

What are you talking about?
Molly went to your house?

Don't act surprised;
it belittles us both.

Well, I had no idea she was
gonna go over there. You know,

we used to settle our quarrels
man to man, face to face,

and with the occasional
blind taste test.

But none of this sending a woman
over to a friend's house,

singing sad songs
of erectile dysfunction.

She didn't do that.
Yeah, she did.

Hey, soon as I got out of the shower,
I was gonna give it to her good.

Well, I'm just
telling you what she said.

She told me and my grandma
that you couldn't perform

your manly duties because
you were thinking about me.

Really? I sent molly
to tell you and your grandma

that I couldn't
deliver the mail...

Does that sound like
a good plan to you?

Well, that's why I came here
to discuss it with you.

I thought it was ill-advised.

Man, I don't know what's
in her head lately.

I mean, I know she's
been missing me,

but I had no idea
she'd go rogue.

yeah, we should probably
minimize these double shifts

so she doesn't go completely
off the deep end.

I'm sorry if she upset you.

It was just startling
more than anything.

Man, this room is nice.

Yeah. There's a jacuzzi tub, a
phone and a tv in the crapper.

Minibar?

Fully stocked, except for the
peanut m & ms and toblerone.

Oh, man, Saint Pauli girl.

Grab two... we'll watch the new Russell
Crowe movie. I can't remember

the last time we went
to a movie together.

I do... it was Avatar.

I paid, 'cause you left
your wallet at home.

Fine. I'll give you
the money right now.

- Forget it, it's my treat.
- Ah...

hey, look... we could
get a couples massage.

Hot oil, scented candles...

We could also adopt
a Chinese baby.

Let's start with the movie
and see where it goes.

This is nice.
Next time I get

a regular girlfriend,
I'm gonna bring her here.

You should...
these little getaways

are important
for a relationship.

Oh.

Carl, you're here.

Looks like you made up.

Maybe a little more

than I'm comfortable with.

Uh, we were just
watching a movie.

- You want to join us... we
could scooch over. - No.

You boys enjoy yourself.

I'm gonna take a hot shower,
and by the time

I get out, I want this side

of the bed to be empty.

Got it.

You landed

a good one there, man.
Yeah, she's a sweetheart.

The second you hear
that water turn off,

you'd better have
your ass in the elevator.

Sync and corrections by GeirDM
for www.addic7ed.com