All language subtitles for Mike & Molly - 01x12 - First Christmas.720p CTU.English.edit.Addic7ed.com

Here you are, gentlemen.

A hot breakfast for two
of chicago's finest.

In the spirit of christmas,
I have provided you each

With a complimentary
sausage link.

If you need anything else,

Merely wave your hand and I will
appear like a magic genie.

Boy, he becomes a total kiss-ass
at gift time, doesn't he?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, the day before his
birthday, he gave me free bacon.

So, did you finish all your
christmas shopping yet?

Almost.

I just bought grandma
a five-branch wig tree.

She puts all her
different coifs on that,

It's gonna look like
a jackson family reunion.

All that's left to do
is swing by the car wash

And pick up a few
stocking stuffers.

Oh, so I guess I'm getting

Another naked lady
car freshener.

No, I'm not buying
any more of those.

Thing didn't smell
anything like a naked lady.

But don't worry,
I got you something

You're really gonna like.

That's what you said
about the singing rubber fish.

That was a great gift.
Why'd you take it

Out of the bathroom?
It was motion-activated.

Every time I stood up to wipe,

I heard
"don't worry, be happy."

That's good advice
in any room of the house.

So what'd you end up
getting for molly?

I'm still circling
a couple things.

You know, trying to narrow it
down, find the perfect gift.

You got nothing, do you?
Not a damn thing.

I have absolutely
no idea what the woman likes.

Well, apparently,
she likes big dumb guys.

Well, it would be stupid
to get her

Another one of those,
wouldn't it?

Hey, how about
a gift card?

You know what a gift card says?
"here, you do it."

Which is barely
forgivable for your best friend,

Let alone the woman
that you're sharing a bed with.

Does that mean you didn't like
the macy's gift card

I gave you last year?

It was for $15.
I got a key chain.

After I added $30
of my own money.

Okay, so no gift cards.
This is how I learn.

I might be able to
scrape together enough

To buy molly a
nice piece of jewelry.

Oh, no,
it sets the bar too high.

You get her jewelry
on your first christmas,

There's no going back to
smoked salmon or bath beads.

Yeah, but if I start too small,

It's gonna look like
I don't care.

Get her
a nice pair of shoes.

Really?
Yeah, women love shoes.

That's true, they do.

Plus, molly's got those
beautiful feet.

Nice high arches,

And sweet little toes that
always look impeccable.

What are you doing looking
at my girlfriend's feet?

Hey, I appreciate nice-looking
feet on a woman.

And hers are outstanding.

She could be a flip-flop model.

Know what?

I'm taking your complimentary
sausage link,

And I think you know why.

Fine. If you don't want
my help, good luck.

I don't even know her shoe size.

Six and a half.

Would you like
to spice up your coffee

With a fresh cinnamon stick?

Thank you, samuel.
Very nice of you.

I wish I could do more,
but as you know,

I am a humble man
of meager means.

Here you go.
Merry christmas.

Oh, what an unexpected surprise.

Thank you so much.

Hey, samuel,
we're out of cream over here.

Well, we all have our little
problems, don't we, big guy?

♪ for the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love. ♪

My god, it's like
the shoe warehouse in here.

Six and a half.

Son of a bitch was right.

Molly:
Mike, you up here?

What are you doing?

I must've dozed off.

Are you feeling okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was just resting my eyes.

Tough day
on the mean streets of chicago.

You want to come downstairs?

We're trimming the tree.
Great.

I'll be down in a minute.
I can string the popcorn.

Assuming you have
an ultrasonic popcorn popper

With an automatic
butter dispenser.

As a matter of fact, we do.

Good. Good.

Hey, you know what
would be fun?

To put on some christmas
music down there.

Do you have an ipod?

Yes, I do.

Why don't I go get it?

Smooth. Real smooth.

Do you have
an ultrasonic popcorn popper

With an automatic
butter dispenser?

Well, it's official: I'm dating
clueless joe jackson.

Yeah, he clearly hasn't had
a lot of girlfriends.

Yesterday, he asked me
if you needed jumper cables

Or if you'd ever shown
any interest in golf.

I love that he's trying
to find the perfect gift.

But he's running out of time,

So I'm guessing I'll be getting
ear muffs and a fudge log.

Which I'll love.

What'd you get him?

This really cool
leather bomber jacket.

Has he been hinting for it?

Not exactly,
but his favorite movies

Are top gun and memphis belle,

And every time
we drive somewhere,

He pretends I'm his co-pilot.

So it was
a reasonable guess.

Roger that.

Now, have you given him any
hints about what you want?

Or are you
just gonna feign enthusiasm

When he gives you a bedazzler?

No, I've left
a couple of open catalogs

Laying around
on the night stand.

Well, you might want
to leave those catalogs

In the refrigerator
or next to the crapper.

Otherwise, you're gonna
be losing valuable closet space

For a set of golf clubs.

Hey, I'm not gonna put
a post-it on his forehead.

I think it's important
for him to figure out

The kind of gift I might like.

And not just some stupid trip
on the same cruise ship

That his wife and kids are on.

That's messed up, right?

Uh, yeah.

Absolutely.

I mean I still went.

Ended up spending the whole time
getting high in my cabin.

Boy, I sure do like weed.

God bless her, she's always been
easy to shop for.

I don't understand.

Why not just get her
the deluxe thighmaster?

Yeah, and how about if she
gets you the ab roller?

Okay. Point taken.

And what was the problem

With the hickory farms
cheese and salami bouquet?

You don't deserve a girlfriend.

Cool! Bomber jacket!

Hey, get away from that.
We're here for molly.

Whoa, secret pocket.

I can put stuff in there.

It's gonna be cheaper
after christmas.

Now get over here and let's
check out some lingerie.

Carl, nobody likes getting
underwear for christmas.

It's like a book
or socks...

Or a $15 gift card.

But we're not talking
about regular underwear,

We're talking satin and
lace to rub on your face.

But isn't lingerie more of
a gift for me than for her?

Oh, like she was ever gonna see
any of that cheese and salami.

Now check this out.

Nothing beats the
basic black merry widow

That buttons
at the crotch for easy access.

For going
to the bathroom, right?

You really
don't deserve a girlfriend.

Now, picture her in this...

Maybe add a pair of
high-heeled, open-toed shoes

To wear with it-- mm, mm, mm!

See, now this image here,
this will haunt me.

There you are.

I knew I'd find you sniffing
around the ladies' underwear.

Grandma, I'm still helping mike

Look for a present for molly.

Michael,
you're not taking gift advice

From "panty claus," are you?

Last good gift
he gave a woman was leaving.

I know, nana,
but I'm desperate.

It's real simple, sweetie:

Just get her something nice that
she wouldn't buy for herself.

How about a gift basket with ten
different color nail polishes.

Turn those sweet little toes
of hers into a rainbow.

Hush up, buster brown.

Just listen to her
when she talks.

You'll be surprised how many
little clues she'll give you.

Oh, my!

Look at these!

They look comfortable!

And so soft, too!

Did the knucklehead
get the message?

I think so, nana.

Watch your backs
and cover your cracks!

I'm at eye-level here!

So you gonna
buy her the slippers?

Yeah.

Looks like you're
getting a wig tree.

So this one's
for victoria?

Yeah... Don't ask me
what's in it

And don't bring any
police dogs into the house.

Gotcha.

So that's it?

You finished all
your shopping today?

Yep. Thank god.

It's a madhouse
out there.

At one point, I just got
fed up and ducked into

This little coffee shop
over on halsted.

Oh, I know that one.

It's right next to the pet store

With all the exotic birds
in the window.

Maybe, I don't know.

But I do know the coffee
at that place is terrific

Because they use a french press,
which I also think they sell.

Cool. Have you ever
been in that pet store?

They got all these cockatoos.
I think they're cockatoos.

They're the ones with
the feather mohawk, right?

I'm not sure.

I'm not really a bird expert.

I guess I could go
look it up on my laptop.

Ah... Wait...

I left it in my car,

Because the strap
on my bag broke.

Yeah, same thing
happened to my gym bag.

Little duct tape,
good as new.

I don't know;
I've had it a long time.

It's pretty beat up.

Well, nothing lasts forever.

Although I've heard
those exotic birds

Can live up to
80 years...

Mike, please don't
buy me a bird.

Well, then I don't know
what the hell to get you!

You're a closed book, lady!

No, I'm not!

I'm an open catalog
laying on the nightstand.

I don't know what that means.

I'm lost!

I was in the mall
for six hours today!

The only thing I bought

Was a diet sprite,
a fat-free lemon bar

And a really cool
bomber jacket for myself.

Bomber... Bomber jacket?

I can't believe
it's christmas eve

And here I am
wandering around

With all the other
last-minute losers.

I'm not like you people.

Calm down. So what if you
slipped up this year?

Oh, I slipped up?

Who's the one
who let him walk out of here

With a bomber jacket?
What was I gonna do?

I was helping grandma get her
rascal down the escalator,

He wandered off and then
came back eating a lemon bar

And wearing a bomber jacket.

It's like going to the mall
with a 300-pound toddler.

I am so screwed, carl.

We are exchanging gifts
at his mom's house tonight.

All right.

We got a little bit of time
before the stores close.

Let's not complicate
the situation.

Mike is a simple man
with simple tastes.

Okay, what about
a nice cologne?

No, smells are lost on him.

He gets into the squad car
with dog crap on his shoes,

Doesn't even phase him.

One time he thought
we were passing a bakery.

All right,
what about cuff links?

Sure! How about
a kimono and ballet shoes?

Hey, I'm under
a lot of pressure right now.

I could do without the sarcasm.

ooh! Cashmere scarves...

Ah, yes, what you get
the man with no neck.

Come on,
you work with him all day long.

He must have told you
something that he really wants.

Ah, well, let's see.

A girlfriend: Got one.
Bomber jacket: Check.

One of those helmets

That holds two cans of beer
and has a drinking tube...

Well, I'm not getting him that.

Good, 'cause I already did.

Perfect.
The man's got everything.

You know, he likes video games.

Video games?

Move, move, move, move!

Move the baby!
Move the baby!

Come on! Toy store!
Let's go!

This is not a drill!

I hate christmas.

What happened?
Did your reindeer finally quit?

I've been in every store
on michigan avenue

Trying to find the perfect gift
for molly and I can't do it.

Well, in my village
we have an old proverb:

"when in doubt,
say it with cattle."

I can't give her a cow.
She doesn't even want a bird.

I don't know, I keep looking
for something that says

You're the greatest thing
that ever happened to me.

And so far,
the closest thing I found

Is an embroidered sweatshirt

That says, "you're the greatest
thing that ever happened to me."

I cannot believe
the pressure you americans

Put on yourself at the holidays.

And why?

You live in nice homes,
have a car to drive

And clearly enough food to eat.

You know, I let
the reindeer comment slide,

But now you're just
poking the bear.

What I am trying to say
is that this is a time

To be with family and to share
joy with one another.

Not schlepping
from store to store,

Trying to find
some useless trinket

To express
what is in your heart.

Schlepping?

It's christmas eve.

This place is like jew central.

My point is, there is nothing
in the world more precious

Than the love that one human
being gives to another.

That is the one
gift in life

You cannot
put a price on.

You're right.

My problem is I been
putting a price on this.

Thank you, samuel.

You're a very wise man.

Ah, enough schmoozing
already, boytchik.

Get your tuchus out of here

And go give your bubele
a nice christmas smooch.

All right,
get ready to embark on

An exciting new dimension
in home entertainment.

Oh, vince, this is too much.

Hey, it's christmas.

Besides,
I'm taking it out in trade.

I brought my
mistletoe belt buckle.

You are a devil.

Wait'll you see porn
on this thing.

The clarity
is unbelievable.

Provides a whole nother
level of filth.

God bless the japanese.

All right,
see you guys later.

Whoa! What the hell?!

Turn that off!

Where you going, hon?

Mike's mom's house.
We're exchanging gifts.

I hope he likes
the jacket.

He already does.

Hey, who wants a gingerbread
man fresh out of the oven?

Ooh, yummy.

Fyi, don't eat these
if you're driving

Or operating
any heavy machinery.

However, if you're hitchhiking
to a reggae concert,

I recommend two.

Come on, jim,
we don't have all night.

Open molly's gift.

Why don't I
open it for him?
He prefers to do it himself.

Jim, quit lollygagging,
you're embarrassing me.

Mom, why don't I just
get it started for him.

Oh, look, jim, a rubber bone.
Merry christmas.

Oh, joy, and it squeaks, too.

That ought
to drive me up a wall.

Well, I was gonna
get him a sweater

But I wasn't sure
of his size.

I'm glad you didn't.

I think dressing dogs up
like people is weird.

And vice-versa.

You gonna open
your present, mikey?

Okay.

Socks and underwear?

A christmas tradition.

I figure your girlfriend can buy
you bow ties and top hats.

Bow ties and top hats?

Let it go.

I got you the kind that are

Loose in the crotch,
to prevent chafing.

When he was a boy,

I had to butter
his thighs.

Merry christmas, mom.
It's a fry daddy.

Mike, don't spoil
the surprise.

That's all right.
I hate surprises.

Yours is mittens.

If you don't like 'em,
the receipt's in the box.

I'm sure I'll love them.

I wonder what
color they are?
Peggy: Red.

Hold on.

I believe I have a little
something in my secret pocket.

Here, open mine.

okay.

Did you get me
a pen and pencil set?

Holy crap.

Are these real diamonds?

Yep, and delicately clustered

In a beautiful setting
of white gold.

Oh, my god,
you can't afford this.

Not a problem.

I put it on a credit card

And I can pay it off
in 110 easy payments.

That-that's, like, nine years.

Really?

Sales guy really didn't
spell it out in years.

Mike, I can't accept this.

Why not?
It's our first christmas,

And I wanted to get you
something special.

Absolutely not.
This is way too expensive.

I don't care.
I want you to have it.

But I don't want it.

Yes, you do.
No, I don't.

Hey, I love you

And you can't put
a price on love.

Hold on a second.

You love me?

Yeah.

Is that okay?

I love you, too.

Really?

More than anything.

But you're still not giving me
a diamond bracelet.

Why not?
Because I don't want to spend

The rest of our lives

Paying off my first
christmas present.

If you're really uncomfortable,

I'll trade you
for the fry daddy.

Hang on, ma.

So you think we're
gonna be together

For the rest
of our lives?

Just... A figure of speech.

No, it's not.
I heard you say it.

This was really sweet of you.

But you saying, "I love you,"

Is the only christmas present
I really want.

Really?

Really.

Well, isn't this
a magical christmas.

You get an expensive
piece of jewelry

And I get a deep-fat fryer.

God bless us, every one.

Sayonara, tojo.

I'm so glad you
like your xbox.

Oh, it's the best
gift ever.

You sure you don't want
to rethink the bracelet?

No. The day after christmas,
we're taking it back.

But until then,
I'm not taking it off.

That's probably
for the best.

At least I'll
make rent this month.

Hey, who scarfed down
all my gingerbread men?

Not me.

Sweet dreams, maverick.