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1
00:00:00,703 --> 00:00:02,537
Previously on Mike & Molly...
How about we hit a couple of
2
00:00:02,538 --> 00:00:03,638
clubs up after
we get off, huh?
3
00:00:03,639 --> 00:00:04,923
Have a few drinks,
4
00:00:04,924 --> 00:00:07,108
maybe find some bad girls
who want to cop some pleas.
5
00:00:07,109 --> 00:00:08,760
Or even better,
please some cops.
6
00:00:09,879 --> 00:00:11,363
No, thanks. I got an OA meeting.
7
00:00:11,364 --> 00:00:13,882
Overeaters Anonymous
on a Friday night?
8
00:00:13,883 --> 00:00:15,884
-That is pathetic.
-Oh, I'm pathetic?
9
00:00:15,885 --> 00:00:17,185
Which one of us
lives with his grandma?
10
00:00:17,186 --> 00:00:19,971
ing yourself?
11
00:00:19,972 --> 00:00:21,973
Face it,
you're a big-boned girl.
12
00:00:21,974 --> 00:00:24,526
Bones don't jiggle, Mom.
13
00:00:24,527 --> 00:00:26,427
Do I smell your double
chocolate blackout cake?
14
00:00:26,428 --> 00:00:27,812
Fresh out of the oven.
15
00:00:27,813 --> 00:00:30,148
Give me.
16
00:00:30,149 --> 00:00:31,432
Just gonna go to my OA meeting.
17
00:00:31,433 --> 00:00:34,018
You're never gonna meet
a cute guy at the chub club.
18
00:00:34,971 --> 00:00:37,784
-Hi my name is Mike, i'm an overeater.
-Hi Mike
19
00:00:37,785 --> 00:00:39,535
I had a pretty fair week.
I lost three pounds.
20
00:00:40,988 --> 00:00:44,407
Then I took off my shirt,
and I found it right about here.
21
00:00:44,408 --> 00:00:45,375
Molly.
Mike.
22
00:00:45,376 --> 00:00:46,743
I'm a fourth grade teacher,
23
00:00:46,744 --> 00:00:49,996
And I'd love to have
a police officer come and speak
24
00:00:49,997 --> 00:00:51,631
To my class.
Okay.
25
00:00:51,632 --> 00:00:53,883
I will.
All right.
26
00:00:57,638 --> 00:01:01,174
Hey, samuel, could you pour my
diet shake into a malted glass?
27
00:01:01,175 --> 00:01:02,508
What's wrong with this?
28
00:01:02,509 --> 00:01:03,876
Well, it's all about
presentation.
29
00:01:03,877 --> 00:01:05,762
See, if my mind thinks
it's drinking a delicious,
30
00:01:05,763 --> 00:01:08,714
Chocolaty treat, it forgets
that it's trying to choke down
31
00:01:08,715 --> 00:01:12,051
A glass of powdery,
diarrhea-inducing swill.
32
00:01:13,153 --> 00:01:14,604
Coming right up.
33
00:01:14,605 --> 00:01:17,573
Sometimes it does that, too.
34
00:01:17,574 --> 00:01:19,742
Hey, I got tickets
to the cubs tomorrow night.
35
00:01:19,743 --> 00:01:21,077
You want to go?
36
00:01:21,078 --> 00:01:24,163
Oh, would love to, but, uh,
I'm going out with molly.
37
00:01:24,164 --> 00:01:25,164
Really?
38
00:01:25,165 --> 00:01:26,082
You finally called her?
39
00:01:26,083 --> 00:01:27,583
Why am I just
hearing about this?
40
00:01:27,584 --> 00:01:28,751
Oh, I'm sorry.
41
00:01:28,752 --> 00:01:30,670
Haven't you been
following my facebook page?
42
00:01:32,489 --> 00:01:34,424
Well, I tell you
everything I do.
43
00:01:34,425 --> 00:01:37,376
You're not doing anything.
44
00:01:37,377 --> 00:01:39,595
You know,
while that is very hurtful,
45
00:01:39,596 --> 00:01:42,414
I'm gonna pass that off
as a low blood sugar thing.
46
00:01:42,415 --> 00:01:46,418
He said, biting into his
delicious bacon cheeseburger.
47
00:01:47,387 --> 00:01:48,420
So where you taking her?
48
00:01:48,421 --> 00:01:49,421
I got a reservation at
49
00:01:49,422 --> 00:01:51,190
That new french place
at navy pier.
50
00:01:51,291 --> 00:01:52,041
Mm, very nice.
51
00:01:52,042 --> 00:01:52,975
But don't let them
52
00:01:52,976 --> 00:01:54,560
Talk you into
anything with truffles.
53
00:01:54,561 --> 00:01:55,528
Okay? That's a scam.
54
00:01:55,529 --> 00:01:57,780
Just fancy-ass fungus.
55
00:01:57,781 --> 00:01:59,198
Noted.
56
00:01:59,199 --> 00:02:00,533
What are you gonna wear?
57
00:02:00,534 --> 00:02:02,618
A tube top and a tiara.
58
00:02:02,619 --> 00:02:04,454
What difference does it make?
59
00:02:04,455 --> 00:02:06,438
First impressions, my friend.
60
00:02:06,439 --> 00:02:07,907
Out of the gate,
there's three things
61
00:02:07,908 --> 00:02:09,575
You want a woman
to believe about you.
62
00:02:09,576 --> 00:02:13,229
Oh, good, advice from a man
who lives with his grandma.
63
00:02:13,230 --> 00:02:15,214
You're very interested
in what she has to say.
64
00:02:15,215 --> 00:02:16,883
So interject the words
"uh-huh" and "really"
65
00:02:16,884 --> 00:02:17,950
As often as possible.
66
00:02:17,951 --> 00:02:19,585
Trust me,
you can't say it too much.
67
00:02:19,586 --> 00:02:21,287
Really?
Uh-huh.
68
00:02:22,289 --> 00:02:24,290
Make her think
you're tortured...
69
00:02:24,291 --> 00:02:25,558
Equal parts good and evil
70
00:02:25,559 --> 00:02:27,176
And there's no telling
which side's gonna win.
71
00:02:27,177 --> 00:02:29,011
Create an illusion of danger.
72
00:02:29,012 --> 00:02:29,979
Exactly.
73
00:02:29,980 --> 00:02:31,931
Bad boys get all the yum-yum.
74
00:02:31,932 --> 00:02:33,649
And three,
75
00:02:33,650 --> 00:02:36,102
And most important: Make her
think that you can have sex
76
00:02:36,103 --> 00:02:37,770
Whenever you want
with whoever you want,
77
00:02:37,771 --> 00:02:39,805
And whatever happens with her
is no big deal.
78
00:02:39,806 --> 00:02:41,524
Well, how do you do that?
79
00:02:41,525 --> 00:02:42,742
It's kind of a zen thing.
80
00:02:42,743 --> 00:02:44,660
You got to look at reality
as an illusion, see?
81
00:02:44,661 --> 00:02:47,479
Therefore, you want nothing
and you need nothing.
82
00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:49,699
It also helps to masturbate
about two or three times
83
00:02:49,700 --> 00:02:51,367
Before you leave the house.
84
00:02:53,203 --> 00:02:54,486
Thank you.
85
00:02:54,487 --> 00:02:56,372
Very helpful.
86
00:02:56,373 --> 00:02:58,157
I'm a fountain of wisdom.
87
00:02:58,158 --> 00:03:01,294
Drink from me.
88
00:03:01,295 --> 00:03:03,162
See, the thing is,
it's not really my style
89
00:03:03,163 --> 00:03:04,680
To pretend to be
somebody I'm not.
90
00:03:04,681 --> 00:03:06,665
I mean, what you see
is what you get.
91
00:03:06,666 --> 00:03:08,017
I try to be honest with people.
92
00:03:08,018 --> 00:03:10,102
More importantly,
I try to be honest with myself.
93
00:03:10,103 --> 00:03:11,270
Who ordered the chocolate malt?
94
00:03:11,271 --> 00:03:13,940
♪ I did, I did! ♪
95
00:03:19,947 --> 00:03:21,864
Oh, god.
96
00:03:21,865 --> 00:03:24,734
Great, just what I needed.
97
00:03:26,203 --> 00:03:27,519
Damn it.
98
00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:29,521
Hey, sweetie,
dinner's almost ready.
99
00:03:29,522 --> 00:03:31,457
Ma, why do you keep
setting the alarm
100
00:03:31,458 --> 00:03:32,992
When you're still in the house?
101
00:03:32,993 --> 00:03:34,126
It's just a precaution.
102
00:03:34,127 --> 00:03:36,162
I don't want some
home invader to sneak in
103
00:03:36,163 --> 00:03:37,696
While I'm bent over
the dishwasher
104
00:03:37,697 --> 00:03:40,366
And take me against my will.
105
00:03:40,367 --> 00:03:42,218
Oh, sure.
106
00:03:42,219 --> 00:03:43,719
Like that's possible.
107
00:03:46,706 --> 00:03:47,640
How was work?
108
00:03:47,641 --> 00:03:49,375
Great.
I'm living the dream.
109
00:03:49,376 --> 00:03:51,710
Hey, you're the one who wanted
to be a schoolteacher.
110
00:03:51,711 --> 00:03:53,679
I wanted you to be
a prima ballerina.
111
00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:55,781
Completely disregarding the fact
112
00:03:55,782 --> 00:03:58,851
That I was 140 pounds
in second grade.
113
00:03:58,852 --> 00:04:02,721
Swans come in all sizes,
potato bug.
114
00:04:03,907 --> 00:04:05,608
So what you got going
this weekend?
115
00:04:05,609 --> 00:04:06,742
Some fun plans?
116
00:04:06,743 --> 00:04:08,527
I'm going to go to dinner
with that cop.
117
00:04:08,528 --> 00:04:10,446
Oh, good for you.
118
00:04:11,498 --> 00:04:12,731
You need to get out more.
119
00:04:12,732 --> 00:04:14,784
I mean, what's it been,
like, a year?
120
00:04:14,785 --> 00:04:15,952
18 months.
121
00:04:15,953 --> 00:04:17,753
And thank you for asking.
122
00:04:17,754 --> 00:04:20,339
Oh, hey, there's no shame in it.
123
00:04:20,340 --> 00:04:23,042
Your aunt margaret went
without a man for seven years.
124
00:04:23,043 --> 00:04:25,595
Of course,
she was married to jesus.
125
00:04:27,214 --> 00:04:30,182
At least until she snapped
and ran off with
126
00:04:30,183 --> 00:04:34,353
That puerto rican boy who sold
snow cones outside the church.
127
00:04:37,307 --> 00:04:38,924
Darn, what's the code?
128
00:04:38,925 --> 00:04:40,493
It's the house number.
129
00:04:51,138 --> 00:04:55,958
♪ for the first time
in my life ♪
130
00:04:55,959 --> 00:04:59,161
♪ I see love. ♪
131
00:04:59,162 --> 00:05:05,117
-- Sync by Rafael UPD --
-- Re Sync by Bordelais --
www.addic7ed.com/
132
00:05:15,844 --> 00:05:18,412
Man, this is one big-ass dummy.
133
00:05:18,413 --> 00:05:20,981
He's got your
hairline and my body.
134
00:05:20,982 --> 00:05:23,784
This could be our baby.
135
00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:27,988
Look, I don't think we're gonna
find anything for me here.
136
00:05:27,989 --> 00:05:29,273
-Let's go.
-Whoa, whoa, hold on, now.
137
00:05:29,274 --> 00:05:30,858
I thought you were
gonna give this a chance.
138
00:05:30,859 --> 00:05:32,409
I'm sorry, man, I'm
just not comfortable
139
00:05:32,410 --> 00:05:33,727
Trying clothes
on in public.
140
00:05:33,728 --> 00:05:35,496
That's why I prefer
shopping on the internet.
141
00:05:35,497 --> 00:05:36,947
Yeah, and that's why
most of your clothes
142
00:05:36,948 --> 00:05:38,248
Fit you like a car cover.
143
00:05:39,901 --> 00:05:42,202
I don't shop for style,
I shop for comfort.
144
00:05:42,203 --> 00:05:44,571
Mm-hmm, and keeping the tree sap
off your paint job, I got it.
145
00:05:45,340 --> 00:05:47,541
Hey, carl.
146
00:05:47,542 --> 00:05:48,542
Cousin andre.
147
00:05:48,543 --> 00:05:50,410
Good to see you.
What brings you here?
148
00:05:50,411 --> 00:05:51,595
I brought you a customer.
149
00:05:51,596 --> 00:05:52,796
Mike, meet andre,
150
00:05:52,797 --> 00:05:54,715
Owner and proprietor
of andre's big and tall.
151
00:05:54,716 --> 00:05:56,517
And andre's big
and tall west.
152
00:05:56,518 --> 00:05:58,435
So what you
looking for today?
153
00:05:58,436 --> 00:06:00,804
Mike's got a hot date, so I'm
trying to get him a new look.
154
00:06:00,805 --> 00:06:01,805
You know, something that pops.
155
00:06:01,806 --> 00:06:04,641
All my clothes pop eventually.
156
00:06:04,642 --> 00:06:06,393
Well, I'll tell you
right off the bat,
157
00:06:06,394 --> 00:06:08,595
I think we need to add
a little color to your wardrobe.
158
00:06:08,596 --> 00:06:09,730
See? He's not wrong.
159
00:06:09,731 --> 00:06:10,697
I mean, look at you,
160
00:06:10,698 --> 00:06:12,449
You're dressed
like a ups truck.
161
00:06:12,450 --> 00:06:13,967
Hey, brown is an autumn color.
162
00:06:13,968 --> 00:06:15,786
I have been told
that I am an autumn.
163
00:06:15,787 --> 00:06:18,489
You're an autumn
and two months of winter.
164
00:06:20,107 --> 00:06:22,242
Look, just give
this a chance, man.
165
00:06:22,243 --> 00:06:24,211
Open yourself up to a
new style, you know,
166
00:06:24,212 --> 00:06:26,129
A new look, maybe
even a whole new you.
167
00:06:26,130 --> 00:06:28,966
Don't oversell it, brother,
they're just clothes.
168
00:06:30,835 --> 00:06:32,002
All right, what the heck.
169
00:06:32,003 --> 00:06:33,303
There you go.
170
00:06:33,304 --> 00:06:36,924
I'm open to a little color,
but nothing too crazy.
171
00:06:36,925 --> 00:06:39,292
I mean, I don't want my date
to open the door and scream,
172
00:06:39,293 --> 00:06:40,594
"hey, kool-aid!"
173
00:06:42,146 --> 00:06:44,398
I got you. We'll stay away
from primary colors.
174
00:06:44,399 --> 00:06:46,683
Good. And, uh,
no horizontal stripes.
175
00:06:46,684 --> 00:06:48,468
Horizontal stripes?
176
00:06:48,469 --> 00:06:52,439
Look, you are not
my first big boy rodeo.
177
00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:54,307
Don't worry, I'm not
178
00:06:54,308 --> 00:06:56,476
Letting you walk out of here
without looking your best.
179
00:06:56,477 --> 00:06:57,911
Hey, and that's
the truth.
180
00:06:57,912 --> 00:07:00,230
We got a 400-pound uncle he
made look like wesley snipes.
181
00:07:00,231 --> 00:07:03,500
He's a handsome man.
182
00:07:03,501 --> 00:07:07,337
And everything I sell has
a 30-day money-back guarantee.
183
00:07:07,338 --> 00:07:10,207
Unless, of course, you get it
sweaty or spill gravy on it.
184
00:07:10,208 --> 00:07:12,009
Probably don't get
a lot of returns.
185
00:07:12,010 --> 00:07:13,544
Not a one.
186
00:07:14,512 --> 00:07:15,712
You wait right here
while I grab
187
00:07:15,713 --> 00:07:17,114
A couple of things
off the rack.
188
00:07:17,115 --> 00:07:18,365
Oh, feel free
to help yourself
189
00:07:18,366 --> 00:07:20,634
To some chocolate
milk and hot pockets.
190
00:07:20,635 --> 00:07:22,302
Hot pockets!
191
00:07:22,303 --> 00:07:24,021
Damn, he's got an
entrepreneurial mind!
192
00:07:24,022 --> 00:07:25,672
You getting a kickback here?
193
00:07:25,673 --> 00:07:27,558
Little bit.
194
00:07:32,397 --> 00:07:35,399
Molly, you really should call
and cancel with this guy.
195
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:36,783
I don't want to cancel.
196
00:07:36,784 --> 00:07:38,368
It took him forever
to ask me out.
197
00:07:38,369 --> 00:07:40,454
Plus, if I call now
and tell him I'm sick,
198
00:07:40,455 --> 00:07:42,823
He's gonna think I'm making
some kind of lame excuse.
199
00:07:42,824 --> 00:07:43,857
Well, do what you want.
200
00:07:43,858 --> 00:07:45,025
But I'm just saying,
201
00:07:45,026 --> 00:07:47,578
Guys hate it when you sneeze
on their wieners.
202
00:07:50,415 --> 00:07:52,049
Here, baby,
drink this cough syrup.
203
00:07:52,050 --> 00:07:53,467
Oh, thank you.
204
00:07:56,087 --> 00:07:57,554
Whoa, slow down there, slugger!
205
00:07:57,555 --> 00:07:58,755
That's got codeine in it.
206
00:07:58,756 --> 00:08:00,540
God, mom!
207
00:08:00,541 --> 00:08:02,375
Don't worry, you'll be fine.
208
00:08:02,376 --> 00:08:04,928
As long as you're not
driving a car or nursing a baby.
209
00:08:04,929 --> 00:08:07,097
Live and learn.
210
00:08:09,984 --> 00:08:12,019
Well, how do I look?
211
00:08:12,020 --> 00:08:12,986
Very cute.
212
00:08:12,987 --> 00:08:14,905
Absolutely adorable.
213
00:08:14,906 --> 00:08:16,323
You're lying.
214
00:08:16,324 --> 00:08:20,077
I look like kathy bates
in misery.
215
00:08:20,945 --> 00:08:23,396
That's who it is!
216
00:08:28,402 --> 00:08:30,454
Ooh-ooh! Okay,
I need a few more minutes.
217
00:08:30,455 --> 00:08:31,922
Okay, take all the time
you need.
218
00:08:31,923 --> 00:08:32,789
I'll go stall him.
219
00:08:32,790 --> 00:08:34,074
Help your sister
get it together,
220
00:08:34,075 --> 00:08:36,209
I'll keep shrek on ice.
221
00:08:36,210 --> 00:08:38,462
Don't tell him I'm sick.
222
00:08:38,463 --> 00:08:40,213
Don't worry,
I've been lying to cops
223
00:08:40,214 --> 00:08:42,633
Since you were in
shoplifted diapers.
224
00:08:45,470 --> 00:08:46,520
You want a condom?
225
00:08:46,521 --> 00:08:47,437
No.
226
00:08:47,438 --> 00:08:48,605
Okay.
227
00:08:48,606 --> 00:08:49,640
What about lube?
228
00:08:49,641 --> 00:08:51,358
It's our first date.
229
00:08:51,359 --> 00:08:52,643
You know what they say.
230
00:08:52,644 --> 00:08:54,528
Better to have lube
and not need it
231
00:08:54,529 --> 00:08:56,196
Than need lube and not have it.
232
00:08:59,534 --> 00:09:01,101
Ah, there we go.
233
00:09:01,102 --> 00:09:02,268
Come on in.
234
00:09:02,269 --> 00:09:03,403
She'll be right down.
235
00:09:03,404 --> 00:09:05,489
Thanks, mrs. Flynn.
236
00:09:05,490 --> 00:09:07,124
My friends call me joyce.
237
00:09:07,125 --> 00:09:08,125
Sit down.
238
00:09:08,126 --> 00:09:09,576
Thanks, joyce.
239
00:09:09,577 --> 00:09:11,411
Nice sweater.
240
00:09:11,412 --> 00:09:12,963
Was it a gift?
No.
241
00:09:12,964 --> 00:09:14,948
Really? You paid for that?
242
00:09:16,334 --> 00:09:18,451
Just yanking your chain.
243
00:09:19,453 --> 00:09:21,338
But, seriously, it
looks okay, right?
244
00:09:21,339 --> 00:09:22,422
It's not too garish?
245
00:09:22,423 --> 00:09:23,640
No, it's nice.
246
00:09:23,641 --> 00:09:26,309
Brightens up the room.
247
00:09:26,310 --> 00:09:28,895
So can I get you
something to drink?
248
00:09:28,896 --> 00:09:31,314
Maybe a little eggnog
to go with your sweater?
249
00:09:37,805 --> 00:09:40,874
Come on, pretty
girl, wake up.
250
00:09:40,875 --> 00:09:43,643
Oh, god, the codeine.
251
00:09:43,644 --> 00:09:45,495
You want a diet pill?
252
00:09:45,496 --> 00:09:46,580
What?
253
00:09:46,581 --> 00:09:48,115
What do I want a diet pill for?
254
00:09:48,116 --> 00:09:51,985
It keeps you awake
so you can enjoy the codeine.
255
00:09:51,986 --> 00:09:55,155
No, I don't want
a diet pill, mom.
256
00:09:55,156 --> 00:09:57,290
I don't want to be a swan.
257
00:09:59,127 --> 00:10:00,994
Mols?
258
00:10:00,995 --> 00:10:03,180
Molly?
259
00:10:08,302 --> 00:10:11,104
You'll thank me later.
260
00:10:12,757 --> 00:10:14,508
Then she dated brian.
261
00:10:14,509 --> 00:10:16,943
He was sweet, but
queer as a fish.
262
00:10:16,944 --> 00:10:20,230
Um, you know, I actually
walked in on him one night
263
00:10:20,231 --> 00:10:22,299
Wearing molly's shoes
and feeding sponge cake
264
00:10:22,300 --> 00:10:23,683
To the sparkletts man.
265
00:10:23,684 --> 00:10:26,319
Well, you don't have
to worry about that with me.
266
00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:28,188
I don't have a thing
for lady's shoes
267
00:10:28,189 --> 00:10:31,141
And I would never share cake.
268
00:10:31,142 --> 00:10:34,127
Any chance we could, uh,
get an eta on molly?
269
00:10:34,128 --> 00:10:35,746
Let me go check.
270
00:10:35,747 --> 00:10:38,999
Now, she may be on the phone
with one of her other suitors.
271
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:43,253
But don't worry, none of them
have the fashion sense you do.
272
00:10:46,891 --> 00:10:48,508
What the
hell's going on up here?
273
00:10:48,509 --> 00:10:52,145
I'm running out of small talk
and this guy's a piece of wood.
274
00:10:52,146 --> 00:10:54,014
We just
need another minute.
275
00:10:54,015 --> 00:10:55,315
Make him a snack.
276
00:10:55,316 --> 00:10:58,018
Oh, great, I'll
grab a bucket of peanuts.
277
00:10:59,821 --> 00:11:01,855
Any minute.
278
00:11:01,856 --> 00:11:04,941
Can I get you
a little something to eat?
279
00:11:04,942 --> 00:11:06,126
Oh, no thanks.
280
00:11:06,127 --> 00:11:08,428
I consumed a small jungle boy
on the way over.
281
00:11:09,630 --> 00:11:13,733
♪ there she was just a-walking
down the street ♪
282
00:11:13,734 --> 00:11:17,570
♪ singing doo-wah-diddy
diddydum-diddy-doo. ♪
283
00:11:22,176 --> 00:11:24,211
Let's go, sweater boy.
Let's jump.
284
00:11:34,055 --> 00:11:37,724
Lovely chatting with you.
285
00:11:46,451 --> 00:11:50,037
Wow. A mitsubishi galant.
286
00:11:50,038 --> 00:11:51,656
I'm guessing '78, '79?
287
00:11:51,657 --> 00:11:53,658
'79.
I knew it.
288
00:11:53,659 --> 00:11:54,775
I know my galants.
289
00:11:54,776 --> 00:11:56,377
Did you know my dad drove
a '79 galant?
290
00:11:56,378 --> 00:11:57,378
No, I didn't.
291
00:11:57,379 --> 00:11:58,329
Why would you?
292
00:11:58,330 --> 00:11:59,747
He's dead.
You never met him.
293
00:12:01,466 --> 00:12:04,414
He actually had the five-door
station wagon... cobalt blue.
294
00:12:04,415 --> 00:12:06,099
He would turtle wax
that thing every Saturday.
295
00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:07,781
My sister and I would drink
cokes in the driveway.
296
00:12:07,782 --> 00:12:10,057
I got to hold the hose.
You ever hold the hose?
297
00:12:11,459 --> 00:12:13,227
Are you feeling okay?
298
00:12:13,228 --> 00:12:15,396
Yeah. I'm just allergic
to kleenex.
299
00:12:16,848 --> 00:12:19,133
Oh, god, this car brings
back such good memories.
300
00:12:19,134 --> 00:12:20,484
I remember when
I was little...
301
00:12:20,485 --> 00:12:21,903
Well, not little,
but little-ish...
302
00:12:21,904 --> 00:12:24,638
My dad would set me on his lap
and let me steer the car.
303
00:12:24,639 --> 00:12:26,274
Now I'm not asking
you to do that.
304
00:12:26,275 --> 00:12:27,975
Let's wait and see
how the date goes
305
00:12:27,976 --> 00:12:29,694
Before I start handing out
free lap dances.
306
00:12:29,695 --> 00:12:31,028
You don't talk much, do you?
307
00:12:31,029 --> 00:12:34,793
Well, I pride myself on
being a good listener.
308
00:12:34,794 --> 00:12:36,029
I mean, I think
that's important when...
309
00:12:36,030 --> 00:12:37,142
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
310
00:12:37,143 --> 00:12:38,502
Gonna let a girl
get a word in edgewise?
311
00:12:38,503 --> 00:12:39,620
Yap, yap, yap, yap...
312
00:12:39,621 --> 00:12:41,622
Ooh, fireworks in 20 miles.
313
00:12:41,623 --> 00:12:42,840
Oh, you think that's year-round
314
00:12:42,841 --> 00:12:44,875
Or just on the
fourth of July, huh?
315
00:12:44,876 --> 00:12:46,043
I don't know.
316
00:12:46,044 --> 00:12:47,378
Are you feeling okay?
317
00:12:47,379 --> 00:12:49,931
I don't know. Why don't
you feel me and find out.
318
00:12:53,302 --> 00:12:54,936
I'm just kidding.
319
00:12:54,937 --> 00:12:58,940
Look at how red
your big head gets.
320
00:13:09,031 --> 00:13:11,782
Ah! That's what
mama likes.
321
00:13:13,619 --> 00:13:15,586
I'm sorry, what were you saying?
322
00:13:15,587 --> 00:13:19,240
I was just asking
if you enjoyed your snapper?
323
00:13:19,241 --> 00:13:21,375
Sure.
Do you like your penis?
324
00:13:25,097 --> 00:13:26,130
Oh, I'm sorry.
325
00:13:26,131 --> 00:13:27,915
That was inappropriate.
326
00:13:27,916 --> 00:13:29,934
I'm gonna be honest with you,
327
00:13:29,935 --> 00:13:33,221
I've had some cold medicine
and I'm feeling a little loopy.
328
00:13:33,222 --> 00:13:35,890
Okay, should you be mixing
alcohol with that?
329
00:13:35,891 --> 00:13:37,441
Oh, absolutely.
330
00:13:39,061 --> 00:13:42,063
So tell me, who is mike biggs?
331
00:13:42,064 --> 00:13:43,430
What makes him tick?
332
00:13:43,431 --> 00:13:45,149
We know he's a cop,
333
00:13:45,150 --> 00:13:49,036
But when the badge comes off,
who's the man underneath?
334
00:13:49,037 --> 00:13:52,073
Well, you know, maybe we should
talk about this stuff
335
00:13:52,074 --> 00:13:53,207
When there's a chance
336
00:13:53,208 --> 00:13:55,826
That you might actually
remember some of it.
337
00:13:55,827 --> 00:13:58,963
No. I want to talk about it now.
338
00:13:58,964 --> 00:14:00,831
Okay, okay, okay, all right.
339
00:14:00,832 --> 00:14:03,050
Okay.
340
00:14:03,051 --> 00:14:04,886
All right, okay.
341
00:14:04,887 --> 00:14:06,554
I uh, I live alone.
342
00:14:06,555 --> 00:14:09,340
Uh, I like to spend time
with my friends...
343
00:14:09,341 --> 00:14:10,508
Hold on just a second.
344
00:14:10,509 --> 00:14:12,643
Ow!
345
00:14:12,644 --> 00:14:13,895
Sorry.
346
00:14:13,896 --> 00:14:16,597
This nose hair was
driving me crazy!
347
00:14:17,399 --> 00:14:19,850
I hope you saved room
for dessert.
348
00:14:19,851 --> 00:14:22,069
What the hell
is that supposed to mean?
349
00:14:23,155 --> 00:14:24,655
Um, I didn't mean...
350
00:14:24,656 --> 00:14:27,491
Uh, you're just assuming
by looking at us two roly-polies
351
00:14:27,492 --> 00:14:29,310
That we're "dessert people"?
352
00:14:29,311 --> 00:14:30,644
Uh, molly, I don't think that...
353
00:14:30,645 --> 00:14:32,780
I got this, bright eyes.
354
00:14:32,781 --> 00:14:35,166
Okay, yes, it's true...
355
00:14:35,167 --> 00:14:36,617
We both struggle
with our weight.
356
00:14:36,618 --> 00:14:37,919
Him more than me.
357
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:40,121
You know,
we are actively
358
00:14:40,122 --> 00:14:43,124
Involved in a 12-step
anonymous program
359
00:14:43,125 --> 00:14:44,625
To deal with our problems.
360
00:14:44,626 --> 00:14:46,294
Do you have any crème brûlée?
361
00:14:46,295 --> 00:14:47,345
Yes.
One please.
362
00:14:47,346 --> 00:14:48,346
Two spoons.
363
00:14:48,347 --> 00:14:50,381
I got to pee like a racehorse.
364
00:14:51,550 --> 00:14:53,100
Gangway!
365
00:14:56,571 --> 00:14:59,223
What are you looking at?
Get the crème brûlée.
366
00:15:01,877 --> 00:15:06,180
Molly, you okay in there?
367
00:15:06,181 --> 00:15:07,698
Molly?
368
00:15:07,699 --> 00:15:11,469
Chicago pd.
369
00:15:12,904 --> 00:15:14,855
All right, ladies,
I'm coming in.
370
00:15:14,856 --> 00:15:16,657
Cover your delicates.
371
00:15:17,525 --> 00:15:18,960
Molly?
372
00:15:28,220 --> 00:15:31,722
Oh, boy, this could go
a lot of different ways.
373
00:15:39,481 --> 00:15:41,065
You okay?
374
00:15:41,066 --> 00:15:44,051
Hey, scram.
I'm trying to vote.
375
00:15:50,809 --> 00:15:54,395
Okay, here we are.
376
00:15:55,230 --> 00:15:56,847
I'm so sorry.
377
00:15:56,848 --> 00:15:58,366
Don't be silly.
378
00:15:58,367 --> 00:16:00,868
We all have... Off nights.
379
00:16:00,869 --> 00:16:04,071
Thank you.
You're very sweet.
380
00:16:04,072 --> 00:16:06,090
Can I tell you
a little secret?
381
00:16:06,091 --> 00:16:07,205
Sure you want to do that?
382
00:16:07,206 --> 00:16:09,526
You've shared a lot tonight.
383
00:16:09,527 --> 00:16:11,112
Really?
384
00:16:11,113 --> 00:16:14,031
Well, let's just say that you're
first period at sleepaway camp
385
00:16:14,032 --> 00:16:15,800
Wasn't the worst of it.
386
00:16:15,801 --> 00:16:18,419
God, I didn't.
387
00:16:18,420 --> 00:16:19,870
It was my fault.
388
00:16:19,871 --> 00:16:22,840
I was having the tomato soup,
and it got you to thinking.
389
00:16:22,841 --> 00:16:27,232
No, look, I'm not
normally like this.
390
00:16:27,233 --> 00:16:28,755
It's just I have
this terrible cold
391
00:16:28,756 --> 00:16:30,689
And I didn't want
to cancel on you
392
00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:31,714
Because I really liked you,
393
00:16:31,715 --> 00:16:33,184
And I was afraid
if I did cancel,
394
00:16:33,185 --> 00:16:35,886
You wouldn't call me back
and now by not canceling,
395
00:16:35,887 --> 00:16:38,572
You are never going to call
me back again anyway.
396
00:16:39,758 --> 00:16:42,159
Wait, you like me?
397
00:16:43,328 --> 00:16:45,329
Of course I like you.
398
00:16:45,330 --> 00:16:46,563
You're a great guy.
399
00:16:46,564 --> 00:16:48,299
Plus, you carried me
out of the toilet
400
00:16:48,300 --> 00:16:49,750
Like I was a fairy tale
princess.
401
00:16:49,751 --> 00:16:51,919
Yeah, that was a magical
moment, wasn't it?
402
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:53,671
Yeah.
403
00:16:53,672 --> 00:16:58,943
Well, just for the record,
404
00:16:58,944 --> 00:17:00,961
I really like you, too.
405
00:17:02,698 --> 00:17:04,131
Good.
406
00:17:07,052 --> 00:17:09,220
Hang on.
407
00:17:17,595 --> 00:17:19,363
Look, I know this is where
408
00:17:19,364 --> 00:17:22,116
I'm supposed to kiss you
good night, but, uh...
409
00:17:22,117 --> 00:17:23,284
It's okay.
410
00:17:23,285 --> 00:17:24,668
I got it.
411
00:17:24,669 --> 00:17:26,570
There's only so much
a butter rum lifesaver
412
00:17:26,571 --> 00:17:27,938
Can cover up.
413
00:17:27,939 --> 00:17:32,943
So what do you say
to a complete do-over?
414
00:17:32,944 --> 00:17:36,213
What if we just forget this
entire evening ever happened.
415
00:17:36,214 --> 00:17:37,631
That would be great.
416
00:17:37,632 --> 00:17:40,167
I'd really,
really appreciate it.
417
00:17:40,168 --> 00:17:42,470
We may have to pick
a different restaurant.
418
00:17:42,471 --> 00:17:43,554
Oh, for sure.
419
00:17:43,555 --> 00:17:45,940
In fact, they actually
insisted on it.
420
00:17:45,941 --> 00:17:48,459
Okay, then...
421
00:17:48,460 --> 00:17:49,760
Good night.
422
00:17:49,761 --> 00:17:51,061
Good night.
423
00:17:52,931 --> 00:17:54,348
Hey, mike.
424
00:17:54,349 --> 00:17:55,966
Yeah.
425
00:17:55,967 --> 00:17:59,303
Thanks for being such
a gentleman tonight.
426
00:17:59,304 --> 00:18:01,489
Well, you're a lady.
427
00:18:01,490 --> 00:18:03,007
You deserve it.
428
00:18:03,008 --> 00:18:05,743
Thank you.
429
00:18:07,812 --> 00:18:10,047
If you're an intruder
430
00:18:10,048 --> 00:18:12,917
I'm upstairs
in the shower.
431
00:18:14,019 --> 00:18:16,587
It's me, mom.
432
00:18:34,304 --> 00:18:35,421
So...
433
00:18:35,422 --> 00:18:37,056
You going to keep me
in suspense?
434
00:18:37,057 --> 00:18:39,008
How'd that sweater
work out for you?
435
00:18:39,893 --> 00:18:43,295
A lot of people made
a lot of comments.
436
00:18:44,464 --> 00:18:45,931
I told you.
437
00:18:45,932 --> 00:18:48,400
Andre knows how
to gift-wrap a big man.
438
00:18:48,401 --> 00:18:50,152
You were right.
439
00:18:50,153 --> 00:18:51,520
I bet she was all over you.
440
00:18:51,521 --> 00:18:53,822
She got a little on me, yeah.
441
00:18:53,823 --> 00:18:55,691
My man!
442
00:18:55,692 --> 00:18:57,409
Tell me, tell me, tell me!
443
00:18:57,410 --> 00:18:59,978
Well, let's see... When I picked
her up she was loaded on codeine
444
00:18:59,979 --> 00:19:01,664
And singing at the top
of her lungs.
445
00:19:01,665 --> 00:19:03,666
So far so good.
446
00:19:03,667 --> 00:19:06,251
She then proceeded to drink
447
00:19:06,252 --> 00:19:08,504
An entire bottle
of very expensive wine.
448
00:19:08,505 --> 00:19:09,488
Uh-huh.
449
00:19:09,489 --> 00:19:10,839
After which
450
00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:13,008
She yanked a hair
out of my nose,
451
00:19:13,009 --> 00:19:14,326
Started a fight with the waiter,
452
00:19:14,327 --> 00:19:16,345
And then passed out
on the crapper.
453
00:19:17,931 --> 00:19:20,382
Oh, that doesn't sound
so good.
454
00:19:20,383 --> 00:19:22,184
It wasn't, carl.
455
00:19:22,185 --> 00:19:25,054
It was a total disaster.
456
00:19:25,055 --> 00:19:27,221
Oh, I'm sorry.
457
00:19:27,222 --> 00:19:28,444
I guess you're never
gonna see her again.
458
00:19:28,445 --> 00:19:31,110
Are you kidding?
459
00:19:31,111 --> 00:19:32,945
I'm gonna marry that girl.
460
00:19:32,946 --> 00:19:36,115
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