All language subtitles for Mike & Molly - 01x02 - First Date.720p.English.Addic7ed.com

Previously on Mike & Molly...
How about we hit a couple of

clubs up after
we get off, huh?

Have a few drinks,

maybe find some bad girls
who want to cop some pleas.

Or even better,
please some cops.

No, thanks. I got an OA meeting.

Overeaters Anonymous
on a Friday night?

-That is pathetic.
-Oh, I'm pathetic?

Which one of us
lives with his grandma?

ing yourself?

Face it,
you're a big-boned girl.

Bones don't jiggle, Mom.

Do I smell your double
chocolate blackout cake?

Fresh out of the oven.

Give me.

Just gonna go to my OA meeting.

You're never gonna meet
a cute guy at the chub club.

-Hi my name is Mike, i'm an overeater.
-Hi Mike

I had a pretty fair week.
I lost three pounds.

Then I took off my shirt,
and I found it right about here.

Molly.
Mike.

I'm a fourth grade teacher,

And I'd love to have
a police officer come and speak

To my class.
Okay.

I will.
All right.

Hey, samuel, could you pour my
diet shake into a malted glass?

What's wrong with this?

Well, it's all about
presentation.

See, if my mind thinks
it's drinking a delicious,

Chocolaty treat, it forgets
that it's trying to choke down

A glass of powdery,
diarrhea-inducing swill.

Coming right up.

Sometimes it does that, too.

Hey, I got tickets
to the cubs tomorrow night.

You want to go?

Oh, would love to, but, uh,
I'm going out with molly.

Really?

You finally called her?

Why am I just
hearing about this?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Haven't you been
following my facebook page?

Well, I tell you
everything I do.

You're not doing anything.

You know,
while that is very hurtful,

I'm gonna pass that off
as a low blood sugar thing.

He said, biting into his
delicious bacon cheeseburger.

So where you taking her?

I got a reservation at

That new french place
at navy pier.

Mm, very nice.

But don't let them

Talk you into
anything with truffles.

Okay? That's a scam.

Just fancy-ass fungus.

Noted.

What are you gonna wear?

A tube top and a tiara.

What difference does it make?

First impressions, my friend.

Out of the gate,
there's three things

You want a woman
to believe about you.

Oh, good, advice from a man
who lives with his grandma.

You're very interested
in what she has to say.

So interject the words
"uh-huh" and "really"

As often as possible.

Trust me,
you can't say it too much.

Really?
Uh-huh.

Make her think
you're tortured...

Equal parts good and evil

And there's no telling
which side's gonna win.

Create an illusion of danger.

Exactly.

Bad boys get all the yum-yum.

And three,

And most important: Make her
think that you can have sex

Whenever you want
with whoever you want,

And whatever happens with her
is no big deal.

Well, how do you do that?

It's kind of a zen thing.

You got to look at reality
as an illusion, see?

Therefore, you want nothing
and you need nothing.

It also helps to masturbate
about two or three times

Before you leave the house.

Thank you.

Very helpful.

I'm a fountain of wisdom.

Drink from me.

See, the thing is,
it's not really my style

To pretend to be
somebody I'm not.

I mean, what you see
is what you get.

I try to be honest with people.

More importantly,
I try to be honest with myself.

Who ordered the chocolate malt?

♪ I did, I did! ♪

Oh, god.

Great, just what I needed.

Damn it.

Hey, sweetie,
dinner's almost ready.

Ma, why do you keep
setting the alarm

When you're still in the house?

It's just a precaution.

I don't want some
home invader to sneak in

While I'm bent over
the dishwasher

And take me against my will.

Oh, sure.

Like that's possible.

How was work?

Great.
I'm living the dream.

Hey, you're the one who wanted
to be a schoolteacher.

I wanted you to be
a prima ballerina.

Completely disregarding the fact

That I was 140 pounds
in second grade.

Swans come in all sizes,
potato bug.

So what you got going
this weekend?

Some fun plans?

I'm going to go to dinner
with that cop.

Oh, good for you.

You need to get out more.

I mean, what's it been,
like, a year?

18 months.

And thank you for asking.

Oh, hey, there's no shame in it.

Your aunt margaret went
without a man for seven years.

Of course,
she was married to jesus.

At least until she snapped
and ran off with

That puerto rican boy who sold
snow cones outside the church.

Darn, what's the code?

It's the house number.

♪ for the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see love. ♪

-- Sync by Rafael UPD --
-- Re Sync by Bordelais --
www.addic7ed.com/

Man, this is one big-ass dummy.

He's got your
hairline and my body.

This could be our baby.

Look, I don't think we're gonna
find anything for me here.

-Let's go.
-Whoa, whoa, hold on, now.

I thought you were
gonna give this a chance.

I'm sorry, man, I'm
just not comfortable

Trying clothes
on in public.

That's why I prefer
shopping on the internet.

Yeah, and that's why
most of your clothes

Fit you like a car cover.

I don't shop for style,
I shop for comfort.

Mm-hmm, and keeping the tree sap
off your paint job, I got it.

Hey, carl.

Cousin andre.

Good to see you.
What brings you here?

I brought you a customer.

Mike, meet andre,

Owner and proprietor
of andre's big and tall.

And andre's big
and tall west.

So what you
looking for today?

Mike's got a hot date, so I'm
trying to get him a new look.

You know, something that pops.

All my clothes pop eventually.

Well, I'll tell you
right off the bat,

I think we need to add
a little color to your wardrobe.

See? He's not wrong.

I mean, look at you,

You're dressed
like a ups truck.

Hey, brown is an autumn color.

I have been told
that I am an autumn.

You're an autumn
and two months of winter.

Look, just give
this a chance, man.

Open yourself up to a
new style, you know,

A new look, maybe
even a whole new you.

Don't oversell it, brother,
they're just clothes.

All right, what the heck.

There you go.

I'm open to a little color,
but nothing too crazy.

I mean, I don't want my date
to open the door and scream,

"hey, kool-aid!"

I got you. We'll stay away
from primary colors.

Good. And, uh,
no horizontal stripes.

Horizontal stripes?

Look, you are not
my first big boy rodeo.

Don't worry, I'm not

Letting you walk out of here
without looking your best.

Hey, and that's
the truth.

We got a 400-pound uncle he
made look like wesley snipes.

He's a handsome man.

And everything I sell has
a 30-day money-back guarantee.

Unless, of course, you get it
sweaty or spill gravy on it.

Probably don't get
a lot of returns.

Not a one.

You wait right here
while I grab

A couple of things
off the rack.

Oh, feel free
to help yourself

To some chocolate
milk and hot pockets.

Hot pockets!

Damn, he's got an
entrepreneurial mind!

You getting a kickback here?

Little bit.

Molly, you really should call
and cancel with this guy.

I don't want to cancel.

It took him forever
to ask me out.

Plus, if I call now
and tell him I'm sick,

He's gonna think I'm making
some kind of lame excuse.

Well, do what you want.

But I'm just saying,

Guys hate it when you sneeze
on their wieners.

Here, baby,
drink this cough syrup.

Oh, thank you.

Whoa, slow down there, slugger!

That's got codeine in it.

God, mom!

Don't worry, you'll be fine.

As long as you're not
driving a car or nursing a baby.

Live and learn.

Well, how do I look?

Very cute.

Absolutely adorable.

You're lying.

I look like kathy bates
in misery.

That's who it is!

Ooh-ooh! Okay,
I need a few more minutes.

Okay, take all the time
you need.

I'll go stall him.

Help your sister
get it together,

I'll keep shrek on ice.

Don't tell him I'm sick.

Don't worry,
I've been lying to cops

Since you were in
shoplifted diapers.

You want a condom?

No.

Okay.

What about lube?

It's our first date.

You know what they say.

Better to have lube
and not need it

Than need lube and not have it.

Ah, there we go.

Come on in.

She'll be right down.

Thanks, mrs. Flynn.

My friends call me joyce.

Sit down.

Thanks, joyce.

Nice sweater.

Was it a gift?
No.

Really? You paid for that?

Just yanking your chain.

But, seriously, it
looks okay, right?

It's not too garish?

No, it's nice.

Brightens up the room.

So can I get you
something to drink?

Maybe a little eggnog
to go with your sweater?

Come on, pretty
girl, wake up.

Oh, god, the codeine.

You want a diet pill?

What?

What do I want a diet pill for?

It keeps you awake
so you can enjoy the codeine.

No, I don't want
a diet pill, mom.

I don't want to be a swan.

Mols?

Molly?

You'll thank me later.

Then she dated brian.

He was sweet, but
queer as a fish.

Um, you know, I actually
walked in on him one night

Wearing molly's shoes
and feeding sponge cake

To the sparkletts man.

Well, you don't have
to worry about that with me.

I don't have a thing
for lady's shoes

And I would never share cake.

Any chance we could, uh,
get an eta on molly?

Let me go check.

Now, she may be on the phone
with one of her other suitors.

But don't worry, none of them
have the fashion sense you do.

What the
hell's going on up here?

I'm running out of small talk
and this guy's a piece of wood.

We just
need another minute.

Make him a snack.

Oh, great, I'll
grab a bucket of peanuts.

Any minute.

Can I get you
a little something to eat?

Oh, no thanks.

I consumed a small jungle boy
on the way over.

♪ there she was just a-walking
down the street ♪

♪ singing doo-wah-diddy
diddydum-diddy-doo. ♪

Let's go, sweater boy.
Let's jump.

Lovely chatting with you.

Wow. A mitsubishi galant.

I'm guessing '78, '79?

'79.
I knew it.

I know my galants.

Did you know my dad drove
a '79 galant?

No, I didn't.

Why would you?

He's dead.
You never met him.

He actually had the five-door
station wagon... cobalt blue.

He would turtle wax
that thing every Saturday.

My sister and I would drink
cokes in the driveway.

I got to hold the hose.
You ever hold the hose?

Are you feeling okay?

Yeah. I'm just allergic
to kleenex.

Oh, god, this car brings
back such good memories.

I remember when
I was little...

Well, not little,
but little-ish...

My dad would set me on his lap
and let me steer the car.

Now I'm not asking
you to do that.

Let's wait and see
how the date goes

Before I start handing out
free lap dances.

You don't talk much, do you?

Well, I pride myself on
being a good listener.

I mean, I think
that's important when...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Gonna let a girl
get a word in edgewise?

Yap, yap, yap, yap...

Ooh, fireworks in 20 miles.

Oh, you think that's year-round

Or just on the
fourth of July, huh?

I don't know.

Are you feeling okay?

I don't know. Why don't
you feel me and find out.

I'm just kidding.

Look at how red
your big head gets.

Ah! That's what
mama likes.

I'm sorry, what were you saying?

I was just asking
if you enjoyed your snapper?

Sure.
Do you like your penis?

Oh, I'm sorry.

That was inappropriate.

I'm gonna be honest with you,

I've had some cold medicine
and I'm feeling a little loopy.

Okay, should you be mixing
alcohol with that?

Oh, absolutely.

So tell me, who is mike biggs?

What makes him tick?

We know he's a cop,

But when the badge comes off,
who's the man underneath?

Well, you know, maybe we should
talk about this stuff

When there's a chance

That you might actually
remember some of it.

No. I want to talk about it now.

Okay, okay, okay, all right.

Okay.

All right, okay.

I uh, I live alone.

Uh, I like to spend time
with my friends...

Hold on just a second.

Ow!

Sorry.

This nose hair was
driving me crazy!

I hope you saved room
for dessert.

What the hell
is that supposed to mean?

Um, I didn't mean...

Uh, you're just assuming
by looking at us two roly-polies

That we're "dessert people"?

Uh, molly, I don't think that...

I got this, bright eyes.

Okay, yes, it's true...

We both struggle
with our weight.

Him more than me.

You know,
we are actively

Involved in a 12-step
anonymous program

To deal with our problems.

Do you have any crème brûlée?

Yes.
One please.

Two spoons.

I got to pee like a racehorse.

Gangway!

What are you looking at?
Get the crème brûlée.

Molly, you okay in there?

Molly?

Chicago pd.

All right, ladies,
I'm coming in.

Cover your delicates.

Molly?

Oh, boy, this could go
a lot of different ways.

You okay?

Hey, scram.
I'm trying to vote.

Okay, here we are.

I'm so sorry.

Don't be silly.

We all have... Off nights.

Thank you.
You're very sweet.

Can I tell you
a little secret?

Sure you want to do that?

You've shared a lot tonight.

Really?

Well, let's just say that you're
first period at sleepaway camp

Wasn't the worst of it.

God, I didn't.

It was my fault.

I was having the tomato soup,
and it got you to thinking.

No, look, I'm not
normally like this.

It's just I have
this terrible cold

And I didn't want
to cancel on you

Because I really liked you,

And I was afraid
if I did cancel,

You wouldn't call me back
and now by not canceling,

You are never going to call
me back again anyway.

Wait, you like me?

Of course I like you.

You're a great guy.

Plus, you carried me
out of the toilet

Like I was a fairy tale
princess.

Yeah, that was a magical
moment, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Well, just for the record,

I really like you, too.

Good.

Hang on.

Look, I know this is where

I'm supposed to kiss you
good night, but, uh...

It's okay.

I got it.

There's only so much
a butter rum lifesaver

Can cover up.

So what do you say
to a complete do-over?

What if we just forget this
entire evening ever happened.

That would be great.

I'd really,
really appreciate it.

We may have to pick
a different restaurant.

Oh, for sure.

In fact, they actually
insisted on it.

Okay, then...

Good night.

Good night.

Hey, mike.

Yeah.

Thanks for being such
a gentleman tonight.

Well, you're a lady.

You deserve it.

Thank you.

If you're an intruder

I'm upstairs
in the shower.

It's me, mom.

So...

You going to keep me
in suspense?

How'd that sweater
work out for you?

A lot of people made
a lot of comments.

I told you.

Andre knows how
to gift-wrap a big man.

You were right.

I bet she was all over you.

She got a little on me, yeah.

My man!

Tell me, tell me, tell me!

Well, let's see... When I picked
her up she was loaded on codeine

And singing at the top
of her lungs.

So far so good.

She then proceeded to drink

An entire bottle
of very expensive wine.

Uh-huh.

After which

She yanked a hair
out of my nose,

Started a fight with the waiter,

And then passed out
on the crapper.

Oh, that doesn't sound
so good.

It wasn't, carl.

It was a total disaster.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I guess you're never
gonna see her again.

Are you kidding?

I'm gonna marry that girl.

-- Sync by Rafael UPD --
-- Re Sync by Bordelais --
www.addic7ed.com/