All language subtitles for Mike & Molly - 01x01 - Pilot.720p CTU.English.edit.Addic7ed.com

one beef and-cheese deluxe,
French fries

and orange-flavored beverage.

Thank you, my brother.

Knock it down for me.

Boo-yo!

All right, it is knocked down.

one plain wiener,

no bun, no sauerkraut,
no chili, no mustard,

no pickle, no cheese, no relish.

No tip. Give it to me.

Excuse me to inquire,

but this meager meal
seems insufficient

for a man of your
tremendous girth.

I'm just trying to drop
a couple of pounds.

May I suggest you move
to my country

where everyone
is fashionably thin

due to lack of food?

New diet?

Yeah. I read about it in a
magazine at the dentist office.

Men's Fitness?

No.

Esquire?

No.

Maxim?

No.

Sports Illustrated?

Modern Bride, okay?!

Okay. That's none
of my business.

But you better get married quick
'cause you're starting to show.

It happens

to be a good diet,

and I'm losing weight.

Plus I'm going to the gym
three times a week

and a half hour every morning
on the stationary bike.

Well, you gotta be careful
with that.

I read an article that said

those bicycles absolutely wreak
havoc on a pair of testicles.

What are we talking about,
a little numbness

or that time I sat on my Taser?

Well, apparently, the angle
of the seat,

it restricts blood flow,
causing low sperm count

and/or possible impotence.

Really? I never heard that.

Well, you ain't gonna read

about that in Modern Bride.

Pick up this month's copy

of American Balls.

How about we hit a couple clubs

up after we get off, huh?

Have a few drinks,
maybe find some bad girls

who want to cop some pleas.

Or even better,
please some cops?

Do you listen to yourself
when you talk?

No, thanks, I got
an O.A. meeting.

You're kidding me.

Overeaters Anonymous
on a Friday night?

That is pathetic.

Oh, I'm pathetic?

Which one of us lives
with his grandma?

Hey, the only reason I'm over
there is because she's old

and frail and needs somebody
to look after her.

She mows the lawn, Carl.

After I start it up for her

and push her
in the right direction.

Fine. Whatever you need
to live with yourself...

and your grandma.

You know, I would shoot you
right now,

but I don't have enough chalk
to outline your body.

♪ She's a brick,
uh-uh-uh, house ♪

♪ Uh-uh-uh,
she's mighty, mighty ♪

♪ Just letting it all hang out ♪

♪ 'Cause she's a brick... ♪

♪ House! ♪

♪ Shake it down, shake it down,
shake it down now ♪

♪ Shake it down, shake it
down, shake it down now ♪

♪ Shake it down, shake it... ♪

Ma, do you have to eat that
in front of me?

Oh, I'm sorry, baby,

Want a bite?

What do you think I'm doing

on this machine here,
making butter?

Oh, baby, why are you
punishing yourself?

Face it,
you're a big-boned girl.

You're always gonna
be a big-boned girl.

Bones don't jiggle, Mom.

You just gotta accept the fact

that you got you daddy's genes.

I mean, if you had

a turkey leg in one hand

and the other hand
down your pants,

I'd swear he was risen
from the dead.

Ah, this is moist!

Do I smell your
double chocolate
blackout cake?

Fresh out of the oven.

Oh-ho-ho, give me!

Mmm!

Oh, Mom,
this is incredible.

This time,
instead of milk,

Mm-hmm?
I used pudding.

Well, bravo.

That must be why
it's so smooth and creamy.

For God's sakes, why are you
doing this to me?!

What? What are we doing?

Never mind.

I've burned off my, uh,
12 calories.

Just gonna go
to my O.A. meeting.

Oh, Mol, you're
never gonna meet

a cute guy
at the chub club.

I'm not going
to meet guys.

I'm going for support.

Not that I don't get more than
enough right here!

Whoa! Where'd
that come from?

Where did that come from?
Are you kidding me?

Okay, I'm trying
to watch my diet,

I'm trying to exercise,

and you two are just trying
to make me fatter!

You're not fat!
You're big-boned.

And I'm just trying
to get you laid.

Why don't you take her

to one of those
lesbo clubs?

Now, th-they seem to
like the beefy gals.

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

♪ I see the light. ♪

-- Sync by Rafael UPD --
--Re sync by Bordelais--
www.addic7ed.com/

You really didn't have
to come with me.

Hey, you said you
wanted to be supported.

I'm supporting.

Where are you going?
The meeting's in here.

You go ahead.
I'm gonna sneak into

the little girls' room
and light up a fatty.

No offense, fellas.

Hi, my name's Mike.
I'm an overeater.

Hi, Mike.

I had a pretty fair week;
I lost three pounds.

Then I took off my shirt,
and I found it right about here.

Anyway, diet-wise, I did have
one tiny setback this week.

I was at the grocery store,
and they were having a sale

on those fun-size candies
for Halloween.

Well, I picked up a bag,

figuring
I'm gonna need something

for the trick-or-treaters.

Before I know it, I'm standing
in front of the checkout

with 19 of the fun little
bastards jammed in my mouth,

trying to say, "Plastic."

Hallelujah!

Then, of course, the
self-loathing kicks in.

The voices in my head start
telling me what a loser I am,

how no one's
ever gonna love me

and, you know,
how I'm gonna spend

the last few years of my life
alone in a dark apartment,

my only companions,

six or seven cats that made
the mistake of wandering

into my gravitational field.

The bottom line is, I-I know
those voices are lying.

And I know all I gotta do is

work this program
one day at a time.

That's why I start every morning
by getting on my knees

and asking God to give me
the strength to stay on my diet.

And then I pray
that he gives me the strength

to get my fat ass
up off the floor.

Anyway, thank you.

Hey.

Damn it,
one of y'all got to inhale.

Hey!

Hey, what are
you doing here?

Well, I figured now that
your meeting's over,

you might want
to go have some fun.
Sure.

Sure. Want to go get some TCBY?

Hell, yeah. A couple of
single guys on a Friday night,

let's get all up
in some yogurt.

Hey, I really
liked your share.

Oh, thank you.

You're pretty funny.

Yeah, I figure

if everybody's laughing,

they won't try to kill
and cook each other.

Molly.

Mike.

Hey...

there you are.

Where did you go?

Went looking
for a snack machine,

and all I found were these
crackers up in the church.

Really dry.

Do you know of a good place
around here

where I could get a pizza?

What do you think?

This is my sister,
Victoria.

Hi, Victoria.

Hello, Victoria.

Officer Carl MacMillan,
Chicago PD.

Whoa... You're a cop?

Yeah, Mike and I,
we're both cops.

Great! I love cops!

Cops are great!

I'm not high.

Anyhoo...

I'm a fourth-grade teacher,

and I'd love to have
a police officer come

and speak to my class.

Oh, absolutely.
Just contact the department.

They'll send somebody
right over.

Oh, all right.

Or you can give Officer Biggs
your number,

and he can come talk
to your class himself.

Even better.

Oh, uh, okay.
Well, uh, are you looking

for, like, general information
or scared straight?

Well, they're nine years old,
so scare the hell out of 'em.

Kidding. Just be funny
and charming

like you were in the meeting.

Okay.

Great. Call me.

I will.
All right.

Has it been a long time
since I've talked?

Come on. Come on.

Come on.

Please tell me
why we let them go.

I mean, the pothead
had jungle fever,

and you could have
gotten the other one

with a taffy apple.

I'm not letting her go.

I just don't want to come off
as desperate.

Yeah, but you
are desperate.
No.

I'm lonely and miserable.

There's a difference.

And, and what is
that difference?

Shut up. You live
with your grandma.

♪ La, la-ba-di-da. ♪

You know, I wish

these uniforms were a little
more flattering, you know?

Blousier.

Who you trying
to fool?

I mean, you met her
at an O.A. meeting.

I mean, she sticks her hand
under there

and doesn't find a man bra,
she's gonna be ecstatic.

You know, I was thinking
about asking her

to go to the aquarium with me.

The aquarium?
Yeah.

The first date?
Uh-huh.

Let me ask you something.
What?

You ever been on a second date?

Hold it right
there, fella.

Yes, sir?

You want to go to jail?

No, sir.

Then get over there
and wash your hands.

All right, people, settle down.

I want you to give
your attention

and your respect
to Officer Michael Biggs

of the Chicago Pol...
Shut up!

Chicago Police Department.

Officer Biggs?

Okay. Uh, thank you.

Mm-hmm.

First, I'd like to say

there are a lot of
misconceptions about what it is

a police officer actually does.

My dad says
you guys are all on the take.

Gary, I told you not...

No, no, th-that's okay.

Well, Gary, that's one
of the misconceptions
I was talking about.

Now, I know on TV
and in the movies,

they like to make you think that
there's a lot of corruption...

My mom says you guy only go
after people of color.

Well, geez,

that's not true at all.

You calling my mom a liar?

Wh-Why don't we save all of
our questions for the end?

Well, you know what?
This is good.

I mean, questions lead
to a give-and-take

and stimulate discussion.

How can you be a cop
and be so fat?

You know, maybe we should save

the questions till after.

Hey, I have a question.
No, you don't.

Oh, but I do.

No, you don't.

What made you want

to become a police officer
in the first place?

Oh, that's a great question.

Well, I became a police officer

because my dad was
a police officer.

He worked the same beat
for 30 years:

a five-block radius
in the Wicker Park area.

And since our last name
is Biggs,

he used to refer to it
as "Biggs' Mile."

As a kid, I always thought
he was saying "Big Smile."

I remember watching him
leaving in the morning.

His uniform would
always be pressed,

and his shoes shined
like mirrors.

I'd say to him,
"Dad, where are you going?"

And he'd say,
"Biggs' Mile, son."

And since I thought
he was saying "Big Smile,"

I'd give him a big smile.

Anyway, everybody in that
neighborhood loved him

'cause he kept the place safe.

And he treated everyone
with respect.

He made police work look like
like a pretty noble profession

right up until the very end.

What happened? Did he die?

No, he fell in love
with a prostitute,

divorced my mom
and moved to Tampa.

Tore the whole family apart.

I probably should have stopped
at "noble profession""

I really appreciate you
doing this.

I think the kids got
a lot out of it.

Oh, hey, they seem
like a good group,

except the one with the mouth.

He's on a hellbound train.

Gary? Yeah.

I caught him sniffing
the dry-erase markers.

That's not gonna end pretty.

Okay, well, um, thanks again
for inviting me.

You're welcome.

It was nice of you to come.

Oh, it was my pleasure.

So...

what made you want

to become a teacher?

I really don't remember.

I gotta go.

Oh. Oh, okay. Bye.

Bye.

Hey, would you like to go out
with me sometime?

Shut up!

Now, that was pathetic.

Really? It didn't look
as smooth as it felt?

You know, I could lie
to you if you want,

but I thought our relationship
had grown beyond that.

Two meatball subs,

large curly fries
and chocolate malt.

Welcome back.

Thanks, Samuel.

What's this world coming to?

$38 to get lipstick
out of suede pants?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What the hell are
you doing?

I'm having dinner.

No, this isn't dinner.

This is suicide
with meatball bullets.

Come on. Give that back.

I'm not gonna let
you blow your diet.

You just lost
three-and-a-half pounds.

Oh, big deal.

My farts weigh
three-and-a-half pounds.

You don't have
to tell me.

I ride in the car
with you every day.

Samuel, can you please
throw this away

and bring my partner
a chicken breast on wheat toast?

Throw it away? I don't think so.

I will airdrop it to my village.

There. Now, you may
never have sex

without paying for it,

but you're still on your diet.

Thanks.

Come here.
Give me some love.

Sweet Jesus, it's like
hugging a futon.

I don't know. I... I guess
I've had food issues

for as long as I can remember.

Once, my dad had to write
a check for $280

to the Girls Scouts of America
for "unaccounted for cookies."

God bless him,
he never said a word.

Never made me feel bad about it.

'Course, he weighed about
a thousand pounds himself, so...

Anyway, I know I'm never gonna
be a size two.

I mean, and that's fine

because I happen
to like who I am.

You know, there's nothing
wrong with me as a person.

I'm smart, I'm funny,

I recycle!

I just want to learn
to control my eating, you know,

and not keel over

in a White Castle
drive-through like my dad.

And it was his third lap.

That's it.

Oh, and I would love
to be able to walk

into a nightclub without having
every queen in the room

leaping on me
like I'm a Gay Pride float.

Thank you.

Okay, who wants
to share next?

I would.

Hey, I didn't
see you there.

Yeah, I lost another pound.

I'm becoming a rail.

Can I talk to
you outside?

Sure.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, yeah, it's fine.

I just... um...

Well, uh...

I wanted to tell you...

Mm.
that, uh...

I like fish.

All right.

What I mean to say is, I'm sort
of an amateur ichthyologist.

So, all types of fish?

You know that word?

I'm a school teacher.

You'd be surprised
at the words I know.

Anyway, I-I like to
go to the aquarium

on my days off, 'cause there's
something really soothing

about watching those
giant creatures

float around each other,
all graceful and weightless.

Sounds like
my water aerobics class.

That's funny.

Anyway, uh, uh,
I was wondering

if you weren't doing
anything, if we could...

Are you okay?
Oh, I'm fine.

You landed
pretty hard.
Oh!

No, no, I'm good, but I don't
think that table's up to code.

Oh! Oh, is your finger supposed
to be pointed in that direction?

Whoa!

No, it is not.

Oh, that's bad.

I should probably

skedaddle over
to the emergency room.

Yeah. Do you need somebody
to drive you?

Oh, no, no, no.

Life of a police officer.
Tuck and roll.

Duck and cover.

Don't vomit.

Just get to the car.
Don't vomit.

You ever gonna call
that O.A. girl back?

No. That, uh...
that ship has sailed.

I'm just gonna move on.

Mind if I tell you
where I think you went wrong?

Oh, would you?

Women don't want to
hear a grown man going
on about ichthyology.

It's got the word ick
built right into it.

You know, if you went
with me just once,

you would see
how beautiful and sensuous

these creatures really are.

Mm-hmm. See,
right there?

Ain't no lady in the world
gonna whip her undies off

hearing that kind
of jibber-jabber.

Got an 831
at 9425 Cicero Avenue.

Handle code two.

Car 79 in the vicinity.

Roger, car 79.

Hey, you
ever thought

about one of them Russian
mail order brides?

Here we go.

Those women
are very hot.

Back when they were commies,

they all weighed, like,
300 pounds and had moustaches.

Democracy's
what cleaned them bitches up.

And here's
another idea.

Maybe you could
move to Japan.

A big man is like
a god over there.

Do you ever actually
stop to breathe,

or do you have, like, a
blowhole under your hat?

Seriously,

yank your underwear
up into your crack

and get you some
sumo groupies.

Mike.

Molly.

What are you
doing here?

Uh, somebody called the cops,

and we're the cops.

Yeah, we called,
like, an hour and a half ago.

Did you guys get lost,

or stop to make out
under a bridge somewhere?

Calm down, Mom.

Seriously, though, did you guys
stop to get pizza or something?

Wow, what are
the odds, huh?

Odds, my sweet
mocha ass.

This is a miracle
of biblical proportions.

How do you figure?

God couldn't bring Molly
to the mountain,

so he brought
the mountain to Molly.

I'm the mountain, right?

You're the freakin'
Himalayas.

Get in there!

It's gonna be okay, Mom.

It's, it's just stuff.

Just stuff?!

Is that what you call
the diamond necklace

your father gave me?

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

Did you know he had

to take a second job
to afford that thing?

And I had to give him
a third job to get it.

You think you'll be able
to find our things?

I doubt it. We barely
found your house.

Hey!

We're gonna do our very best
to recover your property,

but first, we're gonna need
to fill out a report.

They stole my water pipe!

Luckily, I was a Girl Scout.

Hi.

Apple?

Uh, no thanks. They test
our urine for fruit.

Oh.

Okay, can I get a list

of some of the missing items?

Well, they took the
TV, a couple of iPods,

the computer,
my mom's jewelry.

Okay, I'm gonna need
serial numbers off the TV

and the computer,
and, uh, any photographs

you might have
of the missing property.

And would you like to go out
with me sometime?

What?!

You're asking me out now?

That is correct, ma'am.

You had every chance
to ask me out,

and you chose to ask me out
in the middle of a crime scene?

I realize this is not
the most opportune moment,

but I'm quite smitten with you.

I would hate to see this moment
pass by without me telling you

that you're a truly
remarkable woman

with a lot
of interesting qualities

that I find both attractive
and appealing. Ma'am.

Okay, that was pretty cute.

So, is that a yes or a no?

Is it gonna go on the report?

Depends on what
your answer is.

I would love to go out with you.

Then yes, I am
writing that down.

She better be good to him.

What do you want?
I'm a sensitive guy.

-- Sync by Rafael UPD --
--Re sync by Bordelais--
www.addic7ed.com/