All language subtitles for Louis.Theroux.Life.on.the.Edge.S01E04.WEBRip.x264-ION10.English

- Hello.
- Hi. I'm Louis.

I'm Louis.

Oh, I can't shake your hand.
[laughter]

Louis narrates: For 25 years,

I've been making programmes
about life

in all its strangeness...

Stand by.

Information to follow.

Louis narrates: ..mystery...
- Who are you?

- I'm Louis.
- Who's Louis?

Louis narrates: ..and angst...

You OK, Nikki?

Louis narrates:
Trying to make connections

with people who are,
in different ways,

on the edge.

Not all of us
want to be like this.

Louis narrates: Recently,
I decided to take a pause,

and trawl through my old shows,

looking again at some stories
that stayed with me...

Yeah, this has stuff in it.

Louis narrates: And to reach
out to those I'd featured...

Woman on phone: Look at you,
Mr Beard and Moustache!

I know.
Don't I look distinguished?

Louis narrates: ..to see
how their lives have changed.

You've been married six times.

Henry VIII
was married six times,

so it's not unprecedented.

[laughs]

Hey. How you doing?

- Good. How are you?
- Good.

Louis narrates: From all
the hours of programmes,

I've teased out
a handful of themes...

- This is gonna be the start

of the second
American Civil War!

White revolution!

- Why did you run?
- Because they shoot anybody,

and they don't care who it is.

Point blank range,

they'll pull a gun out
and shoot you.

Louis narrates: ..all of which,
in different ways,

go to the heart
of what it means to be human.

[man yells in rage]
- You OK?

It seems like every day,

I get delivered
from something else

that I didn't even know I had.

Louis narrates:
..trying to figure out

what I've learned about life,

and about myself.

What connection is there
between a birth mum and a child?

[sobbing]

You don't feel loved by Rob?

- No, not particularly.

I feel like I'm a burden.

It's wakey-wakey time.

- No.

No, pants first, remember?

Pants first.

Louis narrates: In a way,
I see family

as the deepest of all subjects.

The most intimate stories,

because you see people at home,

in settings
that are as revealing

as you could imagine.

Over the years,

family was obviously
always in the background

to all the stories I did
in some way...

..but it didn't become
the foreground until 2006...

..when I did the first story
I ever did on a family.

I mean, a family
of a very strange sort,

a family of religious zealots,

extremists if you like,
in Kansas.

That's quite nice.

It says, "Rules that
you should obey,

"from Noah Phelps-Roper
to Louis."

Noah, who would have been
probably seven...

..six, seven years old,

from the Phelps family,
Westboro Baptist church -

he made me this little booklet
on how to conduct my life.

"Obey, obey, don't kill people.

"Don't marry two people.

"Don't go to a fag church.

"Don't join the army
or you will die."

I had known about
the Westboro Baptist Church

going back years.

It was founded by a man
called Pastor Fred Phelps.

They were famous
for their pickets

where they would wave

very offensive
homophobic placards.

And then, they began picketing
the funerals of soldiers

killed in Iraq and Afghanistan.

[bell tolls, protesters sing]

And the idea was that
the soldiers' deaths

were punishment

for America's tolerance
of homosexuality.

And so, based on that,

we thought,
"Maybe there's a story here."

- ♪ I'm ashamed
to be an American ♪

♪ Where the fags
can freely roam ♪

♪ They spread their filth
around this land ♪

♪ Every pervert calls it home

♪ God hates the USA.

[doorbell rings]

- Hi.
- Hi, there.

- You must be Shirley.
- Yes.

- I'm Louis.
- Hi, Louis.

How do you do?

So, these are your signs.

You've got
"God hates fags" here.

- Uh-huh, and God hates you.

Just don't think of fags

as just those guys who are
taking it up the tail pipe.

Think of it as people

who are involved
in some perverted sex act,

and I am talking about
anything other than

one man, one woman
in their marriage bed.

- Hi, guys.
- Hi.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- This is Gabriel.

- How do you do?

Go put your stuff away.

- And Grace. This is Grace.
- How do you do?

- Hi.
- Come on, guys.

Let's get out of here,
let's bail.

This is our corner.

Come on, little boys.

Zack, you hop in
in case he wants you to stay.

- So, um...
- Zack, call me.

..I'm gonna keep a little bit
of a distance because I'm not

- part of the picket.
- That's OK.

Louis: There were about
70 members in the church,

almost all from one family.

And they believed
that by going on pickets

and hurling abuse,

they thought that was the most
Christian thing they could do.

Women: America is doomed!

- This is shameful.

Right down shameful.

You got little kids like this...

- You obviously raised your brat
for the devil,

your big bratness-brat
for the devil.

- What was he talking about?
- He's talking about,

[mockingly] "I don't agree
with fags

"but, you know, que sera sera."

- Fuck you!
- You think you can fix this?

With that? You think
you're gonna change God?

You know why you're there,
you fucking bitch?

Because you are
a rebellious brat,

that's why!

Louis: I began spending time
with this family,

trying to understand it.

You know, they would
go to normal schools

and go to normal jobs,

but they weren't allowed
to fraternise or socialise.

They weren't allowed to mix.

They couldn't go on dates,
have coffees un-chaperoned,

and realistically,

they knew that
there was a high likelihood

they'd never be married,
never have kids,

and I was curious about that.

- Hi.
- How are you doing?

- Good.
- Can we come in?

Uh-huh.

It's not sinful
to get married, is it?

And if you wanted to do that,
then how do you do that?

Well, first of all,

I don't think that's
ever gonna happen.

- Why wouldn't that happen?
- Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Because I'm Jael Phelps
and I serve God, that's why.

That's why.

And I'm not gonna seek after it.

I'm not gonna dwell on it.

It's not my interest,
it's not my focus.

I'm a dumb young girl,

but I am not that dumb and goofy

to go... [scoffs] It's so silly.

I'm not gonna talk...

I don't want to talk about it
anymore, OK?

So, I don't wanna go there.

Louis: As with any kind
of ultra controlled sect...

..you know, I was curious
about the mechanisms of control,

and also the mechanisms
of self control,

and the way in which
the indoctrination took place...

..how it was passed down
to the younger generation.

How old are you, Shirley?

- Seven.
- Seven.

Do you know what the sign means?

No.

- No?

Maybe she's just out here
making up numbers, you know,

because
she doesn't really get it.

Noah, do you know
what fag troops are?

- Yeah.
- What?

It's this nation of these fags.

It's a nation of fags,

that's what fag troops means.

- It is a nation of fags,
that's right.

Wait, wait, wait.
You're not gonna let him

- get away with that, are you?
- Oh! It's fag soldiers!

- No, I'm not gonna...
- Fag soldiers!

- OK, fag soldiers.

I am sort of glad that they
don't understand it better.

- Well, you understand...

Noah, do you know what else
you could be besides a fag

to be in trouble with God
and be included in that sign?

Erm...

Umm, soldiers and...

- But what are you?

If you're not a practising fag,
what are you?

What if you support fags,
what does that make you?

- You're a dyke.
- [laughs]

You could say you're...

what you're really doing
is grooming him

into the weird behaviour

that is a characteristic
of your group.

I mean, if you want to explain
your moral outlook to him,

you could do that
in a classroom.

- Are you calling our service
to our God 'weird behaviour'?

- Is that what you just did?
- Yes.

You don't get to call
our service to God weird,

and thereby make it so.

Your statement
doesn't make it right,

doesn't make it a fact.

- The world calls it weird.

- I don't care what the...

Well, yes,
and the world hates us.

Hello?

Louis narrates: What struck me
was that these were people

who, if raised
in other situations elsewhere,

would have been normal,
productive people,

nice people,

but they were carrying on
this process of indoctrination

based on the distorted vision
of this angry old man,

Pastor Fred Phelps.

- America's doomed.

It's almost 18 months now

and the siege has got
people eating their babies...

..and their small children,
and each other!

You're gonna eat your babies!

And any preacher
preaching it any other way

is a lying, hell-bound
false prophet.

Louis Theroux,
a demon-possessed...

..BBC documentary maker.

Woe unto Louis Theroux.

God's woe
means he's going to hell.

Louis: Gramps,
the old patriarch,

gave a sermon, which he released
also as a press release.

"Louis Theroux thinks

"he has cutesy little
endearing qualities

"that will make him rich -

"feigned humility,
self effacing naiveté on camera,

"innocent-sounding questions,

"wide-eyed enthusiasm
and pretended befuddlement.

"All gimmickry.

"A shrewd, satanic manipulator
for sin."

That's good stuff.

I mean, he kind of nails it.

[chuckles]

I didn't think he was paying
that much attention to me.

I think what you see
in the Westboro story

is the extremes
of what a family does to itself.

Pastor: ..England and America,
the rest of this evil world...

Louis: The extraordinary pain
that it inflicts on its members,

but which the members
put up with

because of the love
that they experience.

Pastor: ..no longer
keeps America safe...

- In the case of Westboro,

the family is more or less
torturing itself...

..and then,
there comes a breaking point.

Even when I was there,

people talked about
people who'd left,

family members
who had gone their own way.

And then, after I left,

Megan Phelps-Roper,

Shirley's daughter
and right-hand person, left.

99.9% of Americans...

- She also made it her mission
to speak out...

..from a loving place

about what happens
inside the church,

in the hope of actually

getting more people to leave.

- The end of this spiral
of rage and blame,

begins with one person

who refuses to indulge these
destructive, seductive impulses.

We just have to decide that
it's going to start with us.

Louis narrates: When she left,

Megan got in touch with me.

Hello.

Louis narrates:
We stayed in touch...

- Hey.
Louis narrates: ..emailing

back and forth intermittently
and we became friends.

How are you doing, anyway?

- I'm good.
I'm finding the bright side,

- and it's nice.
- That's great.

Louis narrates: She's been
completely cut off

from her family for years now,

and is not allowed
under any circumstances

to visit her Mum.

It changes over time,
you know,

the way that the pain feels.

But it doesn't...

It changes
because I'm changing, you know,

I'm getting older.

I now am a mom,

and so I have these memories
of my mom

coming up all the time now,

and sometimes
it'll make me happy,

and sometimes
it'll make me cry,

but, like, it's...it's...

She's my mom.
It never goes away.

It's not the past.

It's now,
and that's incredibly painful,

no matter how long it's been.

Louis: Families come
under pressure.

It's often to do with
the intolerable demands

made by family members.

Sometimes, as with Westboro,
due to indoctrination...

..but also, in fact, more often,

because of illness,
because of disease,

because of mental decline.

Around 2011, I went through
a kind of crisis.

I felt like I'd run out
of stories I was interested in.

I don't know, I just felt
I was in danger

of repeating myself,
of doing re-treads,

And the only story
that we had...on the slate,

that I was excited about,

that felt new and different
and interesting to me...

..was about people
with dementia.

Phoenix, Arizona,

is a population centre
of the elderly

and, therefore, of dementia.

And also a centre
for pioneering techniques

in coping with dementia
and its symptoms...

..so we decided
to base ourselves there,

at a residential home
called Beatitudes.

One of the men there
was called Gary Gilliam.

He had vascular dementia
brought on by a heart attack.

This is a hard place to get out.

Louis narrates: Big personality,
very humorous,

beloved
by all the other residents.

- I'd like to know
where the in hell...?

- Hmm.
- You OK?

Well, I'm worried.

I'm just gonna walk up here
and see if I can't...

What are you worried about?

What am I worried about?

There's nothing to worry about.

Well, guys get out and get lost.

Louis: What sort of things
do you enjoy doing here?

How do you keep busy?

- This is my workplace.
- Doing?

Dentistry,
or working on something dental,

or doing, you know, whatever.

Whatever they want to put me to,
I don't care.

It's not really
a medical building

or something like that,

but here we are.

I ain't never leaving.

it's kind of strange that way.

Does he know where he is?

- He does know. He's, um...

- He seems to think
he's involved

in a dental practice here.

I know, yeah, and one of
the ways we redirect him

is to have him
examine our teeth.

- When you say...
redirect means what?

- If he's on a mission
to go outside,

or if he's just having
one of those moments,

that he's irritable, you can
easily redirect him by saying,

"Hey, Dr Gary,
I have a problem with my tooth.

"Can you look inside my mouth?"
And he will.

- You want to take a walk
with me?

- Sure, I'll walk with you.

See, now,
they change these things around

every other week.

"Push until alarm sounds.

"Door can be opened
in 15 seconds."

That's a siren going off
for 15 seconds

through this building.
You can't use that.

- No.
- That's ridiculous.

No.

So, you know, what can I do?
I'm screwed.

Someone told me
you used to be a dentist?

- I am a dentist.
- Is that true?

I guess once a dentist,
always a dentist, you know?

It's like being born...

..an Indian or something,
you know,

you're always
gonna be an Indian.

Would you take
a quick look at my teeth?

- Yes, sir. I would.

- They're not very clean,
though.

Oh, I know.

- You're a Brit, aren't you?
- Yeah.

Well, you guys don't
clean your teeth like we do.

I know.

Bite down, please.

You got good occlusion.

You know,
you're in cross bite back there.

- Uh-oh.
- Yeah.

I wouldn't do anything about it

'cause it's not
gonna hurt you now.

- How well do you feel
you know Dawn?

- Know who?
- Dawn.

Oh, do I know you?

Well, I haven't known you
very much,

because if I would,
I'd remember you forever.

- Aww.
- 'Cause you're a pretty lady.

You remember the pretty ladies,
huh?

- I try to.
- Right.

I think I'm losing my grasp.

He tells me that every day.
It's good for my ego.

[chuckles]

And are you married?

- No, sir.
- No.

Nobody would have me.
I had a...you know...

I had a sign out in the yard
for a long time.

It got to be embarrassing.

- What about Carla?
- Carla?

That's the meanest little booger
in the world

- but I just love her.
- Who's Carla?

She's a little gal
about this tall, isn't she?

- And she came to work for me.
- Right, exactly.

And then she ended up
running my office.

- Mm-hm.
- Did an excellent job of it.

- She did.
- She's really a nice person.

- She is.
- I think a lot of her.

- Yes.

Louis narrates: Carla
was still married to him,

but he no longer recognised her
as his wife.

- There's Gary with his dogs.
He just loves his dogs.

- What was the Gary of old like?

- Definitely an outdoorsman.

Highly intelligent,
very interested in everything.

And remembered things verbatim.

- Did he? Good memory.

Has he gone back
to a particular point in time?

- I think he's more in his 20s,
early 30s.

I'm not even his spouse,

because in his mind,

he would
have never gotten married.

In terms of your relationship
with Gary now,

how fulfilling is that for you?

When he's really sweet
and just kind of caring,

then, oh, yeah, I savour that,

but it's very little, yeah.

Hey, Gary.

- I see
you're getting photographed.

- Yes.

That means
you'll be in jail in a month.

- Yes.
- OK.

Yes, so...

- Hi, Gary.
- Hello.

- You remember me?
- Yes, I do.

Louis narrates: Carla
used to take Gary out for lunch,

but it was more complicated
than you might think.

- Here are his two ladies,
right there.

Hi, Pat. Hi, Betty.
How are you doing?

- Oh, I'm doing just fine.

- Good.

- I just need to ask you
something quickly, Carla.

You said these are
two special friends of Gary's.

Yes. Betty is very possessive,

but Pat is more normal.

Then don't bring them both.

No, absolutely not.
No, we're going with Pat.

I don't understand why he's...

You know,
would it not be more normal

for him to put his arm
around you?

Err, no, he's never been...

physically very...
I'm just his buddy.

There's another lady
called Betty.

And did you say
that there's more intimacy

in that relationship?

Well, she, I guess,

has always taken
her clothes off,

and I've seen her
a couple times,

um and, um...

I don't know what happens
after that.

- Taking her clothes off?

In his room, yeah.

- And getting into bed with him?
- My guess is yeah.

The idea of Gary
with another woman,

performing sexually,
wouldn't trouble you the least?

No, I just realise
it's the disease,

and it's the way it is,

and it's unconditional love.

It's nothing to be bad for me,

you know, it's not... Um, no.

- Carla and Gary
are in a relationship

in which he's seeing other women
at the care home...

..'cause he doesn't think
he's married,

he thinks he's a bachelor.

And, you know, with Carla,
she doesn't stop loving Gary.

She just has to deal
with this new Gary.

- Bye, Gary.

- See you, kid.
- OK, love you.

- Nice doing business with you.
- Ditto.

- It's business?

When she comes into town.

So it's a depiction of love,
but love under extreme stress.

Are you gonna take me with you?

- No.
- Where you going?

- You're still here, remember?
You got a year's lease.

So I have to stay here?

- This is where you live,

and I live in South Chandler...

..in my own house.

Jesus.

- So, where are we going?
- Me and you...

- You're staying with April.

- You're staying with me.

We have the pleasure of that.

- Let's go.
- Really?

Yeah, come on, you got
the pleasure of being with me.

What are you?

- What do I call you?
- Huh?

Louis narrates: Afterwards,
I heard

that Gary moved
to a different facility.

He declined further.

This is February 2016.

It's a rather touching portrait
of Gary and Carla,

close to the end,
done by a Phoenix radio station.

Carla [on recording]:
I am Carla,

and I am married
to Dr Gary Gilliam.

I knew Hospice of the Valley

was gonna be part of
the end of our journey...

..and the day
that I get the phone call

that he has gone somewhere
else...

- [Gary mutters indistinctly]
- [Carla chuckles]

Carla: I have no regrets.

Louis: Gary died...

..not long after this, in 2016.

Carla: I love you.

- Making the dementia film
was huge for me,

because it gave me
the confidence

to tell other stories

in a similar vein,

so in the years afterwards,

I took on documentaries
about families

enduring
extraordinarily stressful

and emotional events...

- Langston.
- It's your grandmother.

Come on, turn your head over

and give me a smile.

Hey, come on over here.

Louis narrates: ..going through
the most profound,

life-changing situations.

- What connection is there

between a birth mum and a child?

- It seems to be a connection
that's...

..just there.

I know that Isaiah feels that.

The connection seems to be
in the heart.

- Hi.
- How are you?

- Good.

Louis: Families
involve interdependence.

We support one another.

Very often, we are entrusted
with making decisions

especially when
other family members

are vulnerable in some way,

either because they're old,
or because they're young,

their minds are still immature,
still developing.

We make decisions
for children all the time.

In important respects,

we consider
that they are incapable

of deciding
what's best for themselves.

The end of 2014,

I was living in America

and we were looking
for new ideas,

and over the years,

I'd seen documentaries
about trans adults,

and people transitioning
in adulthood,

and then someone I worked with

suggested a documentary
on trans kids.

And I thought, with children,

the stakes were higher,

because they and their parents

are making decisions

that will affect
their whole lives.

Smile.

Louis narrates: The main family
that I spent time with,

the kid was called Camille...

- Careful. Stay out of the road,
Camille.

Louis narrates: ..and
Camille's parents were Casey

and Eduardo.

Camille
had only just turned six.

Obviously quite young,
but clearly intelligent,

full of life, full of humour
and energy.

Camille: Oh, my god,
that was close!

Louis narrates:
So we accompanied Camille

on her first visit

to a gender specialist
called Diane Ehrensaft.

So, Camille, the first thing
I'm gonna ask you

is just to draw a picture
of a person.

That's me.
I can draw myself on here.

That's me.

- So, when you were born
a long time ago,

your mommy and daddy
thought they had

a little boy named Sebastian.

Right now,
how would you describe yourself?

- A girl. Not a boy, I'm a girl.

- You're a boy and a girl,

but you'd like to be a girl
and not a boy.

Not a boy and a girl anymore.

- Not a boy and a girl anymore?
- Not transgender.

- And not transgender.

But so, what shall we call it?

Um, girl.

Louis narrates: The doctors
and clinicians

I met in San Francisco

were supporters of the idea

of children being able to make
the choice to transition.

- Bye, Diane.
- Goodbye.

Louis narrates:
What they told me was,

"If you transition as a kid,

"and you become a trans girl,"
let's say,

"It was better for your
long-term mental health."

[horn honks]

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Can I come in?
- Come on in.

- A change of outfit.
Look at that.

What's striking, looking around,

is all the photos of Camille
as Sebastian...

- Yeah.
- ..looking very boyish.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- To me, that one's a tough one,

because that was the last time
we captured Sebastian.

In honest opinion,
that was the last time

we saw that, you know,
spikey little hair,

and the cute little clothes.

I think it was really, for me,

kind of saying goodbye.

And I don't...and it's not
a bad thing in my mind,

it's kind of like, "Yeah,
that was the phase. We're done."

Louis: What is going on?
Camille, what are you doing?

Putting lipstick on.

- How...for how long
have you been using Camille

and the 'she' pronoun at home?

- A month.
- A month.

- Just a month, so this
is all really new for you.

This is very, very new.

We get confused quite often.

- How are you feeling about it?

I'm fine.

It's just hard getting used
to going from one to the other.

It's difficult,
it's really difficult.

It's not an easy thing to do.

- Do you find it confusing ever?

- Yeah, yeah.

I think that's kind of
par for the course sometimes,

and I think it's that way
with kids a lot,

but definitely with discovering
who you are as a person.

- Trying to figure out
what is solid

and consistent and dependable?

And cater to that
and support that.

It is difficult.

I'm not gonna lie,
it's not easy.

This is not a very easy thing.

We may have had
not so bad of a time at this,

but it's not an easy road
to travel. You...

It's gut wrenching...

..honestly.

Louis narrates:
The hub of the action

for the programme

was a gender clinic
at UC San Francisco.

Charlie.

So, do you prefer boy pronouns
like 'he',

or girl pronouns like 'she'?

I just want to do it
the way you want it.

On the face of it,
you have what seems

a relatively
straightforward...process -

the decision to support
the child

in how he or she
views him or herself,

in terms of, you know,
their gender...

..but there are also
medical interventions

that go along with that.

Louis: What's he doing?

A month ago,
he had another implant put in.

What do you mean by an implant?

Shay's on a puberty blocker.

- Hi, Shay. I'm Louis.

As you understand it,

what is that little thing
in there doing?

- Making it
so I don't go through puberty.

- And why don't you want
to go through puberty?

- Because I don't want
to be a girl.

- You don't want to?
- No.

As puberty looms on the horizon,

the child is given...

assuming he or she wants
to keep on that path,

given puberty blockers,

and then at a certain point,
cross gender hormones,

all of which are quite serious
biological interventions.

Any way you look at it,
it's a big decision,

on a question that will have
lifelong medical consequences

and psychological consequences.

The heart of the documentary

was Camille
and Camille's family...

..just following the process
of the transition,

and I was there

when Camille went to school
in a dress for the first time.

Louis!
[parents chuckle]

- Hello, there. How's it going?

Look at you! What a nice dress.

Was it any different

wearing a dress
than it is normally?

You don't think Camille
is still exploring...

..trying different things?

I don't know.

Honestly, it's been such a...

..quick journey
in the last one year

that we've been
going through this

that it doesn't feel like...

..there's a lot of
the exploration left.

Now it's...

..big leaps and bounds forward.

- After the program went out...

..I had the impression that

we were kind of surfing the wave
of quite a big cultural moment.

Literally, within a month or so
around our transmission...

..in 2015...

..Caitlyn Jenner
came out as trans.

Actors like Laverne Cox.

But then, increasingly,
you heard dissenting voices.

Now, in recent years,

there's been a huge increase
in the number of children

reporting gender dysphoria.

Louis narrates:
Early transitioning

became a topic of debate

on the most mainstream
TV shows.

There are now people
who are in their mid-20s,

and there's no coincidence
about that age, either,

but in their mid-20s,

who are looking back and saying,

"I really regret
what I've done."

You know,
it's a little over five years

since I saw Camille
and the family.

But we've stayed in touch,

and Camille's now 11 years old.

In the end, I try and focus on
what I can see,

which is Camille's story.

Loving, supportive parents,

trying to do the best thing
for Camille.

Hello.

Hey! How you doing?

Good. How are you?

Louis narrates:
And they're moving along,

full-steam ahead,
with her transition.

I mean, that's...these are
big decisions that she's made,

and she's made them
informed decisions.

No decision is made
by any of us.

It's all Camille-led.

[laughs] She's the president
of this team,

and then now we're hitting
puberty.

We're gonna be getting
her puberty blocker installed.

"Installed" - it sounds
like a car! [laughs]

- Does that feel like
a big step?

Does that feel like a choice

that you need to think about
and interrogate?

Or does that just feel like,

"OK,
that's what we're gonna do"?

Yeah, it just feels like...

Yeah,
it's just gonna happen that...

I really don't care
because this is...

I know this is what I want.

- That's an excellent summation
of who she is as a person.

She really is the kid

who knows
exactly what she wants,

every second of every day,

and moves forward with it,

and never questions herself.

Louis narrates: To me,
what's most important

is they seem
to be doing really well,

- and that Camille seems happy.
- Bye!

She's growing up,
she's super smart,

comes across as mature
and well-adjusted,

so that's what I see.

Come on!

- 2015, I was living in London
with the family,

and we'd had our third son,

and I couldn't really travel
for work.

For the previous 20 years,

I'd been making programmes
in America and elsewhere,

but not in the UK.

I think for me,

there'd always been
a kind of safety

in being among people
who were very different to me...

..and now, here I was,
faced with doing stories

with no culture difference
to hide behind.

I'm gonna count to five...

One of the ideas I looked at

was to do with brain injury.

A lot of the film
centred on a family.

Rob and Amanda
were the parents' names.

The children, the two boys,

were a similar age
to my two oldest boys,

and Amanda
had fallen off a horse.

- Hi, Rob.
- Good morning.

- How you doing? Alright?
- Louis.

Louis narrates:
She'd spent 18 months

in a brain injury unit.

When we arrived the first time,

she's only literally
a couple of days

out of supported accommodation

and they'd put a huge effort
into adapting their home

so that she could live there,
in an annexe.

So, it's a story
that's both extreme

and very close to home.

- So, this is your new house?

- Yes, this is all...
Yeah, the main bit we have.

- And you've been here
for how long?

- Two weeks this weekend.
- Two weeks.

Pictures!

Is it nice having Mummy
back living with you?

- Yeah.

- Quite a big change, isn't it?
- Yeah.

Kiss.

- Mwah!
- Properly.

- Nah.

- Yes.
- Oh.

Mwah.

- That's too quick and rubbish.
- Never mind.

- Where's Daddy gone?
- I mind.

- Where's Daddy?

- Where is Amanda?

So, this is Amanda's bedroom,

Amanda's kitchen.

Whether she uses it or not,
I don't know.

She hasn't yet, so it's...

There is a lock on there.

That was
one of Amanda's stipulations,

that she wanted the door locked.

- She wanted a lock on the door?
- Yes, yeah.

What was that about?

- Erm, perhaps a bit of privacy,
I think.

You know,
she's been in an institution

for such a long time,

I think for her to come home

and have
just a bit of independence,

to be honest.

- That's Amanda, is it?
- Mm-hm.

- Yeah. That's Amanda there.
- Is that Amanda?

- Yeah.
- What was that for?

Amanda: ABBA night.

- Oh, yeah.
- Now, where are you, Rob?

- Err, there, there.
- So that's you.

So, on Wednesday,
you came back from the unit.

- Yes.
- And, as I understand it,

to begin with, you were saying
that you'd like to come out

- to your own house...
- Yes.

..and not even be
in the family home.

- Yes. Mm-hm.
- Is that right? Why was that?

- Erm, I don't know.

I just felt I would be
better on my own,

me and my dogs and my cats.

- Amanda having her own house
isn't doable.

She would need a 24/7 carer.

It's cheaper for Amanda
to go into a care home.

That's a 38-year-old
going into a care home.

No way.

- That's just...
- I wouldn't have minded.

No, sadly.

As far as you are aware,

you feel you're the same person.

- Yes.
- And you've got

some physical things
that you need to work on.

- Yes.
- But there haven't been,

sort of in your own sense
of things,

personality changes, or even
brain damage, if you like.

- Mmm, that's how I feel.
- Is that how you feel about it?

- Rob, is that your perspective,
as well?

No.

No, I mean Amanda's
still Amanda, of course,

and there's still lots
of Amanda...

I say the 'old' Amanda,
it's not the right word to use,

but there's definite changes...

..you know, without a doubt.

Especially on the emotional side
of it -

like, I find that quite hard.

Your emotions are quite flat,

and I do notice that things
annoy you more.

I mean, you've always said that
you've lost your squishy side.

Mm-hm.

- At the risk of asking
an intrusive question,

so you've been together
22 years?

Rob: Mm-hm.
- That's a long relationship.

Amanda: Yes.
- Were you happy together?

- Yes.
- Very, yeah.

Good team.

Best buddies. It was good.

Yeah, it was good,
and it still is good,

just different,
for the time being.

[inhales deeply] Yeah.

- Stop tapping.
- I know, drumming constantly.

Stop it.

Louis narrates: It became clear

that there were strains there.

Strains that, in some way,
were completely recognisable

from any young family.

- Oh, a little chip.

Louis narrates:
Kids not behaving,

Mum and Dad
being tetchy with each other

because they're tired,
or whatever...

- Nice.

- ..but with that
sort of multiplied

by the brain condition
that Amanda had.

A few weeks later,

I went back for a second visit
to see how it was going.

- All OK?
- Yeah, good.

- Been difficult, hasn't it?
- Yeah.

- Difficult in what way?

- Um... Just we'd sort of
had the idea

that Amanda
was gonna be in the annexe,

- that was her sort of...
- I'm dead. I'm dead.

..prerequisite for coming home,

was that she would stay
in the annexe,

but she hasn't, so it's made it
a little bit difficult.

Amanda's...not brilliant
with the boys,

just because she's got
a bit of a short fuse.

And as she says,
she's lost her 'squidgy bit',

so she'll go
from being super, super nice

to... [imitates explosion]
..straight in,

all singing, all dancing,
lots of shouting.

You said you've found it
a bit hard, Mummy being back.

Why was that?

- Because she's been shouting
at me non-stop.

Ooh, a blue tit! Sorry.

Err, yeah, she's been
shouting at me non-stop.

- Yeah, well, I could see
that would be hard.

- Yeah.
- Because of the brain injury.

Yeah.

- Oscar, are you hungry?
- Mmm?

- I'm tuning it!
- No, thank you. I'm not hungry.

[indistinct chatter from TV]

How do you feel now
about being back?

- You feel it's the right move?
- It's nice.

I get to see my kids
every day...

..even if
they don't want to see me.

- Hey!

- You wouldn't cuddle me
last night before bed.

[babbles]

- That made me sad.

- I know, but...

"I know, but" what?

- I was already in bed
snuggled up

- really, really, really tight.
- I only wanted a cuddle.

Do you care
that you made me sad?

[groans] It's not that, it's...
[groans]

He wouldn't give me a cuddle
night-night.

- No, it's not that, it's...

- Do you still love me?

Yes! Why wouldn't I?

- Because
you don't behave like you do.

Louis: You get the feeling
that aspects of family life

really grated
on Amanda's nerves,

and, you know, one of the things
that a brain injury can do

is sort of rub away
some of that...

patience, tolerance,
sense of forbearing.

Rob: You ready to attempt
this Thai green curry?

- Is it worth attempting?
- I hope so.

Louis narrates: Amanda
wasn't totally happy.

Rob seemed, to me,
close to breaking point.

Amanda: You laugh at me.

I wasn't laughing at you,
I was just laughing.

- Mmm.

Mm-hm.

- Don't believe you.
- No.

- It feels like

you're a little bit angry
with Rob.

He makes me out
to be a bad person.

You believe I'm a bad person.

Mmm.

Louis: Do you really
believe that about Rob,

that he thinks
you're actually a bad person?

- Yeah, I do.

Take that grin off your face,
smoky pants.

[Amanda chuckles softly]

Yeah, it's a grin
counteracting a...

- You don't really think that
about Rob,

- do you?
- I do.

He doesn't like
the way I am now.

But like I said,
the person he married

died the day I fell off
that horse.

I am what's left...

..and I don't think
I'm enough for you anymore.

You don't feel loved by Rob?

- No, not particularly.

I feel like I'm a burden.

- Rob was saying
that he would like more

of the sort of cuddling,

- "I love you"...
- Mm-hm.

- ..stuff.
- He's just a perv.

- OK.
[all laugh]

Just go and get a shag,
I don't care.

What's up, Oscar?

- What do you need?

Louis: What I took away
from the experience

of filming with them

was that life
can be very unfair.

That a lightening strike
of misfortune

can derail your life.

And as much as they adapted,

as much as they did their best
with the new situation,

there's no question in my mind

that the horse fall
and the brain injury

was horrendous,

and they had to get on
with life.

So these profound,
life-changing events...

..you know, you tend to go,
kind of stumble through life

thinking,
"Don't sweat the small stuff -

"brackets -
it's all small stuff."

Well, some of it
isn't small stuff.

Amanda's moved out
of the family home.

She's got her own place now,
with round-the-clock support.

Rob is checking up on her
most days.

They speak every day

and he'll take the boys over
every weekend to see her.

- Hello.
- Hello. [laughs]

- You're looking quite red.

Is it my screen
or are you actually that red?

- I don't know.
Perhaps I've got a disease.

You... [laughs]

- Am I red?
Rob: Yeah, you're red.

I'm red, apparently.

Rob's there with you.

- Hiya!
- Yes.

- I'm hiding, I'm here.
Oh, you can't see me.

- I can see you now.

You're looking quite red,
as well.

Thank you for doing this.

Your life was changed...

..beyond recognition,

and when you look back,
how do you make sense of it?

- There is no sense to be made.

It just is what it is,
and I was unlucky.

And they gave me
a 30% chance of survival

and I proved them wrong,

'cause I'm still here.

How's your relationship
with Rob?

He's still my best friend.

And he's now
got a new girlfriend.

So, yeah,

he's moved on with his life.
I'm happy being single.

- What I observed was,

you do quite a bit of...teasing
of Rob.

I was 17 when...
I was still at school

when we met,

and now I am 40-flipping-3

and I still love him.

And he still makes me laugh
and he's still a bugger.

[chuckles] But he's mine.

I wonder if it would make sense
to talk to the both of you

- together for a minute.
- OK.

Would you be alright to do that?

- Yeah.

- There he is. [chuckles]

He's hiding behind the door.
Come in!

If I can just

take an outsider's perspective
for a moment...

..what I am hearing is
you're happy in your house,

but you feel Rob's moved on
in a way that's really painful.

Yes he has, but are you happy?

- Yeah.

- Do you love her?
- Yeah.

- You do?
- Yeah.

Ah, that's the first time
he's said that.

Yeah, but I don't really
talk about it with you

because it'll probably hurt.

Well, it does anyway.
It's been three years.

Rob: Mmm.

If Rob ever decided, like,

in order to make
his new relationship work,

that he needed to establish
more distance...

..from you, Amanda,

would you be able to let go,
do you think?

I already have.

It doesn't make me happy,
but I have.

He's got his own life,
I just disapprove.

So I've already let go.

There you go.

But you call him quite a lot,
I think.

Erm, every day.

- Maybe more than once?

- Only if he doesn't answer.

If Rob said, "OK,

"in order to move on
with my life,

"I need you to stop calling"...?

I'd be sad, but I would stop.

That's it,
I'm not calling you ever again.

OK, that's fine, that's fine.

OK, done.

- That's never gonna happen.
- There we go.

I'm glad I could
sort that out for you.

- Yeah.

[both laugh]

[baby coos]

Please, don't.

Rob: Mummy!

Mind this arm, that's it,

and you can sit on my leg.
That's better.

Rob: There's the two brothers.

Amanda: Oscar's having
a busy day.

Oh, cool dude.
Sunnies, shorts and wellies.

Shorts and wellies!

Amanda: Fab-o.

- How did I die?

That's a great place to stop.

- No, Dad.
- Yeah, it's time to go up.

- No, Dad!

- You can read some more
of these books, if you like.

- Read them?
- Yeah.

- I saw how much all of them

were willing
to put themselves through

to make it work.

I think, in the end...

..for that family,
that family made the decision

that they needed to make.

Amanda: Oliver.
- Yeah?

Amanda: What are you doing?

Rob: Oli, Oli, Oli!

Louis narrates: Love is hard...

..and subject to all different
kinds of strains

to do with people changing.

Or people succumbing

to serious diseases
like dementia...

- You guys want some floss
or something?

- I've got my own, thanks.
- OK.

Louis narrates: ..or their
behaviour just being impossible.

- You haven't seen Solvi
in a few weeks.

- Hi, Solvi!

Do you remember...?

Louis narrates:
And it's in the nature of love

that because of
how powerful it is,

that it brings risk with it...

..the risk that it will end.

I'm just smiling at you.

- Why?
- I don't know.

Louis narrates:
But you don't stop loving

because of the risk.

In fact, the risk is what
makes love so precious...

"They were playing Chip's
new game,

"secret of the sands."

Love you. [kisses]

- Goodnight!
- Goodnight.

Louis narrates:
..which makes it

all the more important

that you value every minute
that you have it.

Captioned by Ai-Media
ai-media.tv