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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,967 --> 00:00:04,567 - TONIGHT ON... 2 00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:07,000 SOMETIMES FATHERHOOD CAN BE AN ENDURANCE EVENT. 3 00:00:07,033 --> 00:00:09,733 YOU'LL JUST NEVER GUESS HOW LITERAL THAT CAN BE. 4 00:00:09,767 --> 00:00:11,627 PLUS A SPECIAL "SHAME ON ME" REPORT 5 00:00:11,667 --> 00:00:14,327 FROM OUR CONSUMER ADVOCATE EDWARD SHEATH. 6 00:00:14,367 --> 00:00:16,867 ALSO WE'LL VISIT WITH NEW YORK CITY'S NEW MASCOT, 7 00:00:16,900 --> 00:00:19,000 GRUFFY THE PIGEON. 8 00:00:19,033 --> 00:00:20,873 - NICE LOAFERS, ASS[bleep]. 9 00:00:20,900 --> 00:00:23,570 TOUGH LUCK, SWEETHEART. HE'S GAY. 10 00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:25,870 YOU GUYS LEGAL? 11 00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:29,500 - ALL THIS AND MORE ON TONIGHT'S JON BENJAMIN HAS A VAN. 12 00:00:29,533 --> 00:00:32,733 [dramatic music] 13 00:00:32,767 --> 00:00:34,997 - [straining] 14 00:00:35,033 --> 00:00:37,503 * 15 00:00:37,533 --> 00:00:38,873 - [sighs] 16 00:00:38,900 --> 00:00:41,270 [bomb beeping] 17 00:00:53,667 --> 00:00:55,627 - DIVORCE. IN RECENT YEARS, 18 00:00:55,667 --> 00:00:57,497 IT HAS BECOME AN ALL-TOO-COMMON RESULT 19 00:00:57,533 --> 00:00:59,633 IN MANY MARRIAGES. 20 00:00:59,667 --> 00:01:01,197 AND WHEN CHILDREN ARE INVOLVED, 21 00:01:01,233 --> 00:01:04,503 IT CAN AFFECT EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE. 22 00:01:04,533 --> 00:01:06,933 - FITNESS IS A HUGE PART OF MY LIFE. 23 00:01:06,967 --> 00:01:09,397 WHEN MY WIFE AND I SEPARATED, 24 00:01:09,433 --> 00:01:10,933 I RECEIVED FULL CUSTODY, SO... 25 00:01:10,967 --> 00:01:12,197 THINGS REALLY CHANGED. 26 00:01:12,233 --> 00:01:13,303 WORKOUT-WISE. 27 00:01:24,567 --> 00:01:27,227 [exhales] 28 00:01:27,267 --> 00:01:30,097 AS A TRIATHLETE, IT'S HARD BEING A SINGLE DAD. 29 00:01:30,133 --> 00:01:32,273 - SO WHAT DID YOU DO? 30 00:01:32,300 --> 00:01:34,630 - I STARTED ORGANIZING SINGLE DAD TRIATHLONS. 31 00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:38,270 - IT'S A 1.2 MILE SWIM WITH A BABY, 32 00:01:38,300 --> 00:01:41,630 THEN A 56 MILE BIKE WITH A BABY, 33 00:01:41,667 --> 00:01:44,367 AND THEN A 13.1 MILE RUN WITH A BABY. 34 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:47,970 BASICALLY, IT'S A HALF IRONMAN WITH A BABY. 35 00:01:48,067 --> 00:01:50,227 SINGLE DADS... 36 00:01:50,267 --> 00:01:51,697 ON YOUR MARKS... 37 00:01:51,733 --> 00:01:53,433 SET... 38 00:01:53,467 --> 00:01:54,967 GO! [gunshot] 39 00:01:58,733 --> 00:02:01,873 [babies crying] 40 00:02:11,967 --> 00:02:14,867 - TRANSITIONING BETWEEN SWIMMING AND BIKING IS THE TOUGHEST, 41 00:02:14,900 --> 00:02:17,370 ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE TO CHANGE THE BABY. 42 00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:19,930 PLUS, GETTING ON THE BIKE AND GETTING THE BABY HELMET ON 43 00:02:19,967 --> 00:02:21,767 CAN COST VALUABLE SECONDS. 44 00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:23,770 [cheers and applause] 45 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:26,770 [exciting music] 46 00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:34,770 * 47 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:38,230 [cheers and applause] 48 00:02:38,267 --> 00:02:41,567 - IS IT SAFE WHEN... THE BABIES DO THIS? 49 00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:43,530 - UH... 50 00:02:43,567 --> 00:02:46,597 - NO EVERYONE SUPPORTS JASON'S RADICAL CREATION. 51 00:02:46,633 --> 00:02:47,933 THERE ARE THOSE WHO QUESTION 52 00:02:47,967 --> 00:02:49,697 WHETHER THE CHILDREN'S BEST INTERESTS 53 00:02:49,733 --> 00:02:51,973 ARE BEING ACCOUNTED FOR DURING SUCH A MENTALLY 54 00:02:52,067 --> 00:02:54,167 AND PHYSICALLY DEMANDING COMPETITION. 55 00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:57,070 THESE CONCERNS, HOWEVER, HAVEN'T SEEMED TO DIMINISH 56 00:02:57,100 --> 00:02:59,600 THE RABID ENTHUSIASM OF THE EVENT'S NUMEROUS FANS-- 57 00:02:59,633 --> 00:03:00,933 MOSTLY SINGLE WOMEN. 58 00:03:00,967 --> 00:03:03,067 WHY DO YOU COME SEE THIS EVENT? 59 00:03:03,067 --> 00:03:07,067 - WELL, I'M VERY, VERY LONELY RIGHT NOW. 60 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:11,070 - ARE YOU... 61 00:03:11,100 --> 00:03:12,570 COMING ON TO ME? 62 00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:14,630 - WELL... 63 00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:20,570 - YOU KNOW, IF IT WEREN'T FOR MY WIFE LEAVING ME, 64 00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:22,130 I DON'T THINK I EVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT 65 00:03:22,167 --> 00:03:24,227 OF ORGANIZING A TRIATHLON EVENT 66 00:03:24,267 --> 00:03:26,327 THAT YOU COULD PARTICIPATE IN WITH YOUR BABY. 67 00:03:26,367 --> 00:03:28,567 IT'S FUNNY HOW THINGS WORK OUT. 68 00:03:29,700 --> 00:03:31,970 I STILL HATE HER. 69 00:03:34,133 --> 00:03:37,073 [dramatic music] 70 00:03:37,067 --> 00:03:40,867 * 71 00:03:40,900 --> 00:03:43,070 - MOST PEOPLE, AS THEY MATURE, 72 00:03:43,100 --> 00:03:45,830 LEARN HOW TO EXPRESS ANGER IN AN ACCEPTABLE WAY. 73 00:03:45,867 --> 00:03:47,767 AND MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONALS AGREE-- 74 00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:50,100 IT'S IMPORTANT TO LEARN HOW TO DO THIS. 75 00:03:50,133 --> 00:03:52,233 SUPPRESS-- SUCCESS! 76 00:03:52,267 --> 00:03:54,727 [bleep] [bleep] DAMN IT, YOU ASS[bleep]! 77 00:03:54,767 --> 00:03:56,597 MOST PEOPLE, AS THEY MATURE, 78 00:03:56,633 --> 00:03:58,303 LEARN HOW TO EXPRESS THEIR ANGER 79 00:03:58,333 --> 00:03:59,833 IN AN ACCEPTABLE WAY. 80 00:03:59,867 --> 00:04:01,197 AND MENTAL HOUSE-- 81 00:04:01,233 --> 00:04:02,273 [shouting] [bleep]! 82 00:04:02,300 --> 00:04:04,500 LAST WINTER, WE DID A REPORT 83 00:04:04,533 --> 00:04:07,673 ON HOW ANGER CAN DESTROY RELATIONSHIPS, CAREERS, 84 00:04:07,700 --> 00:04:09,100 AND EVEN LIVES. 85 00:04:09,133 --> 00:04:12,203 BACK THEN, WE CONSULTED WITH DR. LAURA MEISEL, 86 00:04:12,233 --> 00:04:15,803 A PSYCHOLOGIST WHO SPECIALIZES IN THE TREATMENT OF PEOPLE 87 00:04:15,833 --> 00:04:17,733 WITH RAGE ISSUES. 88 00:04:17,767 --> 00:04:19,697 DR. MEISEL, HOW DO YOU DIFFERENTIATE 89 00:04:19,733 --> 00:04:21,433 BETWEEN SOMEONE WHO IS MERELY ANGRY 90 00:04:21,467 --> 00:04:24,767 AND SOMEONE WHO HAS WHAT YOU SAY "RAGE ISSUES"? 91 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:27,400 - EDWARD, I HAVE TOLD YOU, YOU CANNOT FILM YOUR SESSIONS. 92 00:04:27,433 --> 00:04:29,303 - I THINK THIS IS SOMETHING THAT NEEDS TO BE DISCUSSED. 93 00:04:29,333 --> 00:04:31,803 - ALL RIGHT. WE'RE DONE HERE. 94 00:04:31,833 --> 00:04:33,633 - OH, WE'RE NOT DONE. I'M PAYING FOR THIS! 95 00:04:33,667 --> 00:04:35,467 [shouting] YOU WORK FOR ME! 96 00:04:35,500 --> 00:04:37,570 YOU WORK FOR ME! 97 00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:38,770 SINCE THAT REPORT, 98 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:40,630 I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT MY ANGER PROBLEM 99 00:04:40,667 --> 00:04:42,467 HAS NOT IMPROVED AT ALL. 100 00:04:42,500 --> 00:04:44,200 IN FACT, SEVERAL PEOPLE HAVE SAID 101 00:04:44,233 --> 00:04:47,233 IT'S GOTTEN EVEN WORSE, INCLUDING... 102 00:04:47,267 --> 00:04:49,227 MY SISTER, MY EX-GIRLFRIEND, 103 00:04:49,267 --> 00:04:50,827 MY EX-WIFE, MY MOTHER, 104 00:04:50,867 --> 00:04:52,927 MY BIRTH MOTHER, MY GRANDMOTHER, 105 00:04:52,967 --> 00:04:55,127 MY SON, AND EVEN COMPLETE STRANGERS! 106 00:04:55,167 --> 00:04:56,767 AAH! [thud] 107 00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:59,200 THE TRAGEDY IS, AS DR. MEISEL-- 108 00:04:59,233 --> 00:05:01,303 WHO I'M NO LONGER SEEING-- SAID, 109 00:05:01,333 --> 00:05:03,373 WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY AT SOMEONE ELSE, 110 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:06,470 YOU'RE REALLY JUST ANGRY AT YOURSELF. 111 00:05:06,500 --> 00:05:08,400 AND IT MAKES SENSE THAT I'D BE ANGRY AT MYSELF, 112 00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:10,833 BECAUSE I'M A DISGUSTING PIG. 113 00:05:10,867 --> 00:05:13,097 I MEAN, LOOK AT ME! THIS IS ME! 114 00:05:13,133 --> 00:05:14,433 EVERY [bleep] INCH OF IT! 115 00:05:14,467 --> 00:05:16,367 [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]! 116 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:17,530 I [bleep]! 117 00:05:17,567 --> 00:05:19,327 I [bleep] HATE YOU! 118 00:05:19,367 --> 00:05:21,667 WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME ALL THE TIME? 119 00:05:21,700 --> 00:05:23,170 GET AWAY FROM ME! 120 00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:24,830 I JUST WANNA [bleep]! 121 00:05:24,867 --> 00:05:26,367 [exhales] 122 00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:28,730 [breathing heavily] 123 00:05:28,767 --> 00:05:30,327 I'M EDWARD SHEATH. 124 00:05:30,367 --> 00:05:32,527 SHAME ON ME. 125 00:05:35,267 --> 00:05:37,167 - SO THAT WENT WELL. 126 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:39,800 - IT ALWAYS GOES WELL. 127 00:05:39,833 --> 00:05:40,873 - WELL, IT WAS BRUNCH. 128 00:05:40,900 --> 00:05:42,570 WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING THIS WEEKEND? 129 00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:45,400 - UH... I HAVE SWIMMING LESSONS. 130 00:05:45,433 --> 00:05:47,473 - YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO SWIM? 131 00:05:47,500 --> 00:05:49,230 - I-I DO. I'M JUST TRYING TO GET BETTER. 132 00:05:49,267 --> 00:05:50,497 [horn honks, tires screech] 133 00:05:50,533 --> 00:05:52,973 HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 134 00:05:53,067 --> 00:05:54,897 JESUS CHRIST! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 135 00:05:54,933 --> 00:05:56,503 YOU JUST CUT ME OFF! - WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, 136 00:05:56,533 --> 00:05:58,373 MY FRIEND? - LET ME LOCK THE DOOR. 137 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:01,830 - EXCUSE ME? WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? 138 00:06:01,867 --> 00:06:04,097 - YOU SHOULDN'T BE SPEEDING ON THIS ROAD. 139 00:06:04,133 --> 00:06:05,633 - YOU JUST PULLED OUT RIGHT IN FRONT OF US. 140 00:06:05,667 --> 00:06:08,497 [overlapping yelling] LOOK IN YOUR MIRROR! 141 00:06:08,533 --> 00:06:10,433 DON'T TELL ME TO GET BACK IN MY VAN. 142 00:06:10,467 --> 00:06:11,797 LEARN HOW TO DRIVE! - I KNOW HOW TO DRIVE. 143 00:06:11,833 --> 00:06:13,473 YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE. 40 YEARS I DRIVE. 144 00:06:13,500 --> 00:06:15,500 GO AWAY, GO AWAY. - YOU PEOPLE THINK 145 00:06:15,533 --> 00:06:17,233 YOU OWN THE ROAD! - WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU PEOPLE? 146 00:06:17,267 --> 00:06:19,567 - COME ON OUT! LET'S GO. [overlapping shouting] 147 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:20,930 - OKAY, NOW HE'S GETTING OUT OF THE CAR. 148 00:06:20,967 --> 00:06:22,327 - NO, I'M JEWISH, SO WE'RE ALL RIGHT! 149 00:06:22,367 --> 00:06:23,627 - I DON'T BELIEVE YOU. 150 00:06:23,667 --> 00:06:25,597 - OKAY, ALL RIGHT-- - I JUST HAPPEN TO HIT PEOPLE 151 00:06:25,633 --> 00:06:27,403 WHO DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE! LOOK IN THE MIRROR 152 00:06:27,433 --> 00:06:29,903 WHEN YOU PULL OUT, OTHERWISE YOU'LL KILL SOMEONE! 153 00:06:29,933 --> 00:06:31,073 - SHUT UP! GO AWAY! 154 00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:33,630 DON'T YOU PUSH ME, [bleep]FACE! 155 00:06:33,667 --> 00:06:34,797 - I JUST DID. I WILL PUSH YOU! 156 00:06:34,833 --> 00:06:37,803 I WILL PUSH YOU. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT? 157 00:06:37,833 --> 00:06:39,403 AAH! 158 00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:40,873 [overlapping shouting] 159 00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:42,070 HE BIT ME! 160 00:06:42,067 --> 00:06:43,667 - I TOLD YOU TO GET BACK IN YOUR VAN! 161 00:06:43,700 --> 00:06:45,100 - YOU BIT ME! 162 00:06:45,133 --> 00:06:46,403 - COURSE I BIT YOU. 163 00:06:46,433 --> 00:06:47,703 - [bleep]! 164 00:06:47,733 --> 00:06:49,473 [tires squealing] [bleep] YOU! 165 00:06:49,500 --> 00:06:50,870 - YOU [bleep] MANIAC! 166 00:06:50,900 --> 00:06:52,500 YOU BIT ME! 167 00:06:52,533 --> 00:06:54,233 JESUS CHRIST! - YOU CAN'T DO THAT, JON. 168 00:06:54,267 --> 00:06:56,067 - WHAT? - YOU CAN'T DO THAT. 169 00:06:56,067 --> 00:06:57,327 - DO WHAT? 170 00:06:57,367 --> 00:06:59,067 - YOU'VE GOT SOME SORT OF AN ANGER PROBLEM-- 171 00:06:59,067 --> 00:07:02,327 - SHUT THE [bleep] UP, LEO! - OH, [bleep] YOU. 172 00:07:02,367 --> 00:07:05,167 - JUST GET IN! NATHAN, GET IN! 173 00:07:09,967 --> 00:07:12,397 I'M GETTING OUT HERE. 174 00:07:12,433 --> 00:07:14,503 - WHAT? - WHAT--WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 175 00:07:14,533 --> 00:07:17,273 - I WOULDN'T WAIT. I'M GONNA BE A WHILE. 176 00:07:17,300 --> 00:07:18,970 - WHERE ARE YOU GOING? - SEE YOU GUYS LATER. 177 00:07:19,067 --> 00:07:20,597 - JON! 178 00:07:20,633 --> 00:07:23,173 - WHERE'S HE GOING? 179 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:26,070 - WHO CARES? 180 00:07:26,067 --> 00:07:28,327 - WELL, WHO'S GONNA DRIVE? 181 00:07:43,633 --> 00:07:44,933 [beep] 182 00:07:44,967 --> 00:07:47,397 [chair vibrating] 183 00:08:05,533 --> 00:08:08,503 [mystical music] 184 00:08:08,533 --> 00:08:14,773 * 185 00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:20,100 [all chanting] 186 00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:22,773 [eerie note] 187 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:24,130 * 188 00:08:24,167 --> 00:08:29,527 [singing prayer in Hebrew] 189 00:08:29,567 --> 00:08:30,967 OH! 190 00:08:31,067 --> 00:08:33,327 OH...OH! 191 00:08:33,367 --> 00:08:36,667 [man singing prayer] OH, GOD! 192 00:08:40,133 --> 00:08:45,073 OH...OH! 193 00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:50,830 AAH! AAH! 194 00:08:50,867 --> 00:08:53,267 [panting] 195 00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:55,130 OY. 196 00:08:55,167 --> 00:08:56,327 [glass shatters] 197 00:09:03,267 --> 00:09:05,097 OH... 198 00:09:05,133 --> 00:09:06,373 [sniffs] 199 00:09:13,167 --> 00:09:14,167 - AAH! 200 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:15,500 - WHO ARE YOU? 201 00:09:15,533 --> 00:09:18,273 - WHY HAVE YOU SHAVED YOUR BEARD? 202 00:09:18,300 --> 00:09:20,430 THIS IS AGAINST HALACHA. 203 00:09:20,467 --> 00:09:22,267 - I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. 204 00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:23,630 - HAVE I DONE SOMETHING WRONG? 205 00:09:23,667 --> 00:09:25,767 - I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE. 206 00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:26,930 - I'M YOUR WIFE. 207 00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:29,297 - I'M NOT MARRIED. 208 00:09:29,333 --> 00:09:32,073 WHY IS THERE BLOOD ON THE BED? 209 00:09:32,067 --> 00:09:33,867 WHO ARE YOU? - [speaking Hebrew] 210 00:09:33,900 --> 00:09:36,170 - THIS ISN'T MY HOTEL ROOM. I'M STILL DREAMING. 211 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:37,700 - [speaking Hebrew] 212 00:09:37,733 --> 00:09:39,603 - I GOTTA WAKE UP. THIS-- 213 00:09:39,633 --> 00:09:41,573 [continues in Hebrew] 214 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:43,200 - I'M STILL DREAMING, RIGHT? I'M STILL DREAMING. 215 00:09:43,233 --> 00:09:44,933 I DON'T--I'M SORRY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. 216 00:09:44,967 --> 00:09:46,067 I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE. 217 00:09:46,100 --> 00:09:49,070 [suspenseful music] 218 00:09:49,100 --> 00:09:57,100 * 219 00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:01,630 - JON, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? 220 00:10:01,667 --> 00:10:03,267 - LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM, ALL RIGHT? 221 00:10:03,300 --> 00:10:05,070 I LEFT YOU GUYS ON FRIDAY, AND THEN I FELL ASLEEP, 222 00:10:05,100 --> 00:10:06,700 AND WHEN I WOKE UP, I WAS IN SOME STRANGER'S APARTMENT. 223 00:10:06,733 --> 00:10:09,333 SHE SAID SHE WAS MY WIFE, AND THERE WAS BLOOD ON THE BED. 224 00:10:09,367 --> 00:10:11,497 THERE ARE ORTHODOX JEWS EVERYWHERE. 225 00:10:11,533 --> 00:10:13,503 I KNOW THIS SOUNDS CRAZY, BUT I THINK I'M A WERE-JEW. 226 00:10:13,533 --> 00:10:15,273 - ALL RIGHT, JUST CALM DOWN. 227 00:10:15,300 --> 00:10:17,830 - LOOK, I'M IN PAJAMAS, ALL RIGHT, ON A PAY PHONE! 228 00:10:17,867 --> 00:10:19,297 - YOU NEVER WEAR PAJAMAS. 229 00:10:19,333 --> 00:10:21,803 - I KNOW! - WE'LL FIGURE THIS OUT. 230 00:10:52,133 --> 00:10:55,533 - CAN WE GO NOW? - NO. NOT YET. 231 00:10:55,567 --> 00:10:57,267 HOW LONG TILL SUNDOWN? 232 00:10:57,300 --> 00:11:00,400 - A MINUTE OR TWO. - THIS IS RIDICULOUS! 233 00:11:00,433 --> 00:11:03,933 - LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO TURN INTO AN ORTHODOX JEW, ALL RIGHT? 234 00:11:03,967 --> 00:11:05,897 - JON, YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO BE TOLERANT OF OTHERS. 235 00:11:05,933 --> 00:11:07,803 - YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE! 236 00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:10,603 - YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TURN INTO AN ORTHODOX JEW. 237 00:11:10,633 --> 00:11:13,333 IT DOESN'T HAPPEN. IT'S LIKE FOLKLORE. 238 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,430 - YOU'LL SEE. 239 00:11:17,467 --> 00:11:20,567 IT'S COMING. 240 00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:23,470 [whimpering] I CAN FEEL IT! 241 00:11:29,900 --> 00:11:32,330 - IS SOMETHING GOING TO HAPPEN? 242 00:11:32,367 --> 00:11:35,927 [suspenseful music] 243 00:11:35,967 --> 00:11:44,067 * 244 00:11:50,067 --> 00:11:51,597 - AAH! 245 00:11:51,633 --> 00:11:53,933 - AAH! 246 00:11:53,967 --> 00:11:56,427 - AAH! 247 00:12:04,067 --> 00:12:06,497 [screaming continues] 248 00:12:09,767 --> 00:12:11,267 - TODAY ON SWITCHEROO, 249 00:12:11,300 --> 00:12:13,230 WE'RE GONNA TAKE A WEALTHY KID FROM THE CITY 250 00:12:13,267 --> 00:12:17,767 AND SWITCH HIM WITH A WEALTHY KID FROM THE COUNTRY. 251 00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:19,830 THIS IS SWITCHEROO. 252 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:27,700 - ALL RIGHT, LOGAN, HAVE A GREAT DAY IN THE COUNTRY. 253 00:12:27,733 --> 00:12:29,073 - THANK YOU, ADAM. 254 00:12:29,100 --> 00:12:30,700 - HEY, YOU MUST BE LOGAN. I'M JON. 255 00:12:30,733 --> 00:12:32,233 YOU READY FOR YOUR SWITCHEROO? - YEAH! 256 00:12:32,267 --> 00:12:33,797 - ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO! 257 00:12:42,833 --> 00:12:44,833 HERE WE ARE AT YOUR COUNTRY HOUSE. 258 00:12:44,867 --> 00:12:46,067 SO I'M GONNA RING THE DOORBELL, 259 00:12:46,100 --> 00:12:47,800 THE NANNY WILL ANSWER, THEN YOU'LL GO IN 260 00:12:47,833 --> 00:12:49,233 AND I'LL SEE YOU IN NINE HOURS, OKAY? 261 00:12:49,267 --> 00:12:50,827 - OKAY. - ALL RIGHT, GOOD. 262 00:12:50,867 --> 00:12:52,797 [doorbell chimes] 263 00:12:52,833 --> 00:12:54,333 - HI! - HI. THIS IS LOGAN 264 00:12:54,367 --> 00:12:55,927 FROM THE CITY. 265 00:12:55,967 --> 00:12:58,267 ALL RIGHT, LOGAN. SEE YOU LATER. 266 00:12:58,300 --> 00:13:00,230 - IT'S WEIRD THAT THEY DON'T HAVE A DOORMAN HERE. 267 00:13:00,267 --> 00:13:02,167 I HAVE A DOORMAN. 268 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:05,530 [jazzy music] 269 00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:06,867 - ALL RIGHT, BOBBY, HERE WE ARE-- 270 00:13:06,900 --> 00:13:08,070 YOUR PLACE IN THE CITY. 271 00:13:08,100 --> 00:13:09,800 I'LL BE BACK IN NINE HOURS, SO HAVE FUN. 272 00:13:09,833 --> 00:13:11,603 - MM-HMM. BYE. - BYE. 273 00:13:11,633 --> 00:13:13,433 - HEY, HOW ARE YOU? YOU MUST BE FROM THE COUNTRY. 274 00:13:13,467 --> 00:13:14,697 - MM-HMM. - ALL RIGHT. 275 00:13:14,733 --> 00:13:16,073 - THIS PLACE HAS A DOORMAN, 276 00:13:16,067 --> 00:13:19,327 AND THE GUY, LIKE, OPENS THE DOOR FOR YOU. 277 00:13:19,367 --> 00:13:21,067 - HEY. - HI. 278 00:13:21,067 --> 00:13:23,067 I'M BOBBY FROM SWITCHEROO. 279 00:13:23,067 --> 00:13:24,797 - OH, HI, BOBBY. I'M LOGAN'S NANNY. 280 00:13:24,833 --> 00:13:26,873 COME ON IN. I'M GLAD TO SEE YA. 281 00:13:26,900 --> 00:13:29,870 [soft music] 282 00:13:29,900 --> 00:13:31,800 * 283 00:13:31,833 --> 00:13:33,403 - KIRA! - YEAH? 284 00:13:33,433 --> 00:13:34,903 - WHAT PARK IS THIS? 285 00:13:34,933 --> 00:13:36,273 - IT'S CENTRAL PARK, HON. 286 00:13:36,300 --> 00:13:38,500 - WHEN I GOT HERE, I SEE THE PARK 287 00:13:38,533 --> 00:13:40,673 AND ALL THE BUILDINGS. 288 00:13:40,700 --> 00:13:42,470 WHEN I LOOK OUT AT MY HOUSE, 289 00:13:42,500 --> 00:13:46,070 IT'S JUST PLAIN OLD FLAT OCEAN. 290 00:13:46,100 --> 00:13:48,370 - THEY HAVE, LIKE, A LITTLE PLAYHOUSE, 291 00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:50,700 LIKE, OUTSIDE... 292 00:13:50,733 --> 00:13:54,073 RIGHT BY THE OCEAN. 293 00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:57,270 WE HAVE AN INDOOR POOL. THEY HAVE AN OUTDOOR POOL. 294 00:13:57,300 --> 00:13:58,570 - THE POOL AREA WAS NICE, 295 00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:00,570 BUT IT WAS A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT THAN MY POOL. 296 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:03,400 OURS IS DEEPER AND... 297 00:14:03,433 --> 00:14:05,403 IT'S WIDER. 298 00:14:07,867 --> 00:14:09,927 - LOGAN, ARE YOU DOING OKAY? 299 00:14:09,967 --> 00:14:12,297 - YEAH. - CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING? 300 00:14:12,333 --> 00:14:14,733 - SURE. A JUICE. 301 00:14:14,767 --> 00:14:18,397 SHEILA'S WHITE. OUR NANNY'S BLACK. 302 00:14:18,433 --> 00:14:21,903 [quiet piano] 303 00:14:21,933 --> 00:14:24,773 * 304 00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,830 [seagulls squawking] 305 00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:30,727 [piano continues] 306 00:14:30,767 --> 00:14:35,427 * 307 00:14:41,467 --> 00:14:43,567 - WELL, LOGAN, HERE WE ARE BACK AT YOUR HOME IN THE CITY. 308 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,900 SO OVERALL, HOW WAS YOUR DAY IN THE COUNTRY? 309 00:14:45,933 --> 00:14:47,573 - MM. IT WASN'T THAT DIFFERENT. 310 00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:49,270 - OH. 311 00:14:49,300 --> 00:14:50,330 - SO HOW'D IT GO? 312 00:14:50,367 --> 00:14:51,897 DID YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME IN THE CITY? 313 00:14:51,933 --> 00:14:53,873 - UH-HUH. - ALL RIGHT, YOU TAKE CARE. 314 00:14:59,333 --> 00:15:00,933 - NEXT WEEK, WE'LL SWITCH HARRISON FORD 315 00:15:00,967 --> 00:15:02,827 OF STATEN ISLAND... 316 00:15:02,867 --> 00:15:04,697 - WELL, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE COME UP TO ME AND SAY, 317 00:15:04,733 --> 00:15:06,533 "HEY, HARRISON FORD, JUST LIKE THE ACTOR, HUH?" 318 00:15:06,567 --> 00:15:07,897 I SAY, "YEAH, BUT COULD BE WORSE. 319 00:15:07,933 --> 00:15:09,233 COULD BE BILL PULLMAN." 320 00:15:09,267 --> 00:15:12,067 - WITH HARRISON FORD OF SAN JOSE. 321 00:15:12,067 --> 00:15:13,727 - PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY, "HARRISON FORD! 322 00:15:13,767 --> 00:15:16,127 OH! WHERE'S YOUR LIGHT SABER?" 323 00:15:16,167 --> 00:15:17,967 I'M SICK OF IT. 324 00:15:18,067 --> 00:15:20,527 - THAT'S NEXT TIME ON SWITCHEROO. 325 00:15:22,833 --> 00:15:25,173 - [Hebrew accent] MY BEAUTIFUL PREGNANT WIFE DEVORAH. 326 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:26,930 - GOOD SHABBAS. - YES. 327 00:15:26,967 --> 00:15:28,667 - HOW WAS YOUR BRIS? - IT WENT WELL. 328 00:15:28,700 --> 00:15:31,070 BUT I'M HAPPY TO BE DONE AND GOING HOME. 329 00:15:31,067 --> 00:15:32,527 DID YOU MAKE CHICKEN FAT? - OF COURSE. 330 00:15:32,567 --> 00:15:34,227 IT'S GOOD FOR THE BABY. 331 00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:36,597 - OR BABIES, GOD WILLING, HMM? 332 00:15:36,633 --> 00:15:38,933 HONK AT THIS ASS[bleep] HE'S DRIVING LIKE A MULE! 333 00:15:38,967 --> 00:15:40,467 - HON. - [honking] 334 00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:41,870 - GO AROUND HIM. 335 00:15:43,300 --> 00:15:45,670 - WHAT THE [bleep]? 336 00:15:45,700 --> 00:15:46,930 - WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? - JON! 337 00:15:46,967 --> 00:15:48,467 - WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - DON'T HONK AT ME, 338 00:15:48,500 --> 00:15:49,800 YOU ASS[bleep]! - WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 339 00:15:49,833 --> 00:15:51,273 DON'T CALL ME AN ASS[bleep]! MOVE! 340 00:15:51,300 --> 00:15:52,670 - YOU CAN'T JUST DRIVE LIKE A CRAZY PERSON. 341 00:15:52,700 --> 00:15:54,900 YOU TERRIFIED ME! - GET BACK IN YOUR CAR AND GO! 342 00:15:54,933 --> 00:15:55,973 WE'RE TRYING TO GET BY. - I'M SORRY. 343 00:15:56,067 --> 00:15:57,667 I'M TRYING TO DO SOMETHING TOO! 344 00:15:57,700 --> 00:15:59,770 - WHY DON'T YOU GO HAVE ANAL WITH YOUR FRIENDS, 345 00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:01,170 YOU DEPRAVED HOMOSEXUAL! 346 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:02,870 - YOU IGNORANT HATEMONGER! 347 00:16:02,900 --> 00:16:04,500 - OH, YOU PUSH ME! - I'LL PUSH YOU-- 348 00:16:04,533 --> 00:16:06,803 - WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? - I'LL SHOW YOU ANAL! 349 00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:10,533 - AAH! AAH! 350 00:16:10,567 --> 00:16:12,067 AAH! 351 00:16:12,067 --> 00:16:13,897 HE BIT ME! - WHAT HAPPENED? 352 00:16:13,933 --> 00:16:15,603 - HE BIT ME! - HE BIT YOU? 353 00:16:15,633 --> 00:16:18,333 - HE BIT ME! - OH, NO, JON! 354 00:16:19,733 --> 00:16:21,233 OH, NO. 355 00:16:21,267 --> 00:16:22,327 - * OH, YEAH 356 00:16:22,367 --> 00:16:25,327 [electronic disco music] 357 00:16:25,367 --> 00:16:33,227 * 358 00:16:38,467 --> 00:16:40,427 GOOD SHABBAS, RACHEL. 359 00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:43,497 GOOD SHABBAS, REBECCA. I JUST BOUGHT A DOG. 360 00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:49,100 [dance music plays] 361 00:16:49,133 --> 00:16:57,133 * 362 00:17:08,067 --> 00:17:09,627 AAH! 363 00:17:09,667 --> 00:17:11,467 OH! 364 00:17:11,500 --> 00:17:13,400 OKAY. GOOD. 365 00:17:13,433 --> 00:17:14,633 THANK YOU. 366 00:17:17,333 --> 00:17:18,333 - [bleep] YOU! - [bleep] YOU! 367 00:17:18,367 --> 00:17:20,097 - DON'T PUSH ME! 368 00:17:20,133 --> 00:17:22,403 - WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT? 369 00:17:22,433 --> 00:17:23,603 - AAH! HE BIT ME! 370 00:17:23,633 --> 00:17:25,573 OH, GOD! 371 00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:28,070 [man singing Hebrew prayer] 372 00:17:28,067 --> 00:17:29,167 OY. 373 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:30,930 - WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? 374 00:17:30,967 --> 00:17:32,297 - I'LL SHOW YOU ANAL! 375 00:17:32,333 --> 00:17:35,073 - AAH! HE BIT ME! 376 00:17:38,867 --> 00:17:40,297 AAH! 377 00:17:41,967 --> 00:17:44,927 [soft music] 378 00:17:44,967 --> 00:17:49,367 * 379 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,300 - WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? 380 00:17:51,333 --> 00:17:53,103 I'VE BEEN SO WORRIED. 381 00:17:53,133 --> 00:17:54,633 YOUR CHICKEN FAT HAS GOTTEN COLD. 382 00:17:54,667 --> 00:17:56,197 - I'M SO SORRY, MY WIFE. 383 00:17:56,233 --> 00:17:57,733 - WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON YOUR EYEBROW? 384 00:17:57,767 --> 00:18:00,297 - I, UH, HAD MY EYEBROW PIERCED. 385 00:18:00,333 --> 00:18:01,303 - [sniffs] 386 00:18:01,333 --> 00:18:03,773 - WHAT SMELLS OF MINERAL OIL? 387 00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:05,830 - I WAS LUBRICATING A BIKE CHAIN. 388 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:11,470 - WHAT IS GOING ON, JON? 389 00:18:13,333 --> 00:18:16,273 - DEVORAH... I MUST TELL YOU SOMETHING. 390 00:18:16,300 --> 00:18:18,300 - HAVE I DONE SOMETHING WRONG? 391 00:18:18,333 --> 00:18:20,103 - NO. 392 00:18:20,133 --> 00:18:22,403 I AM A HOMOSEXUAL. 393 00:18:22,433 --> 00:18:24,703 - I HAVE NOT PLEASED YOU. 394 00:18:24,733 --> 00:18:27,633 I MAKE YOU UNHAPPY. - IT'S NOT YOU, MY WIFE. 395 00:18:27,667 --> 00:18:30,097 WHEN THE MAN BIT ME, HE PASSED HIS GAY TO ME. 396 00:18:30,133 --> 00:18:32,373 - BUT YOU CANNOT BE HOMOSEXUAL. 397 00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:35,470 THIS IS AGAINST EVERYTHING WE BELIEVE IN. 398 00:18:35,500 --> 00:18:37,700 ISN'T IT TRUE, FATHER? 399 00:18:37,733 --> 00:18:40,773 - THIS NEWS... DISGUSTS ME. 400 00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:42,730 - FATHER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP? 401 00:18:42,767 --> 00:18:44,927 - I WAS BLESSING THE TOILET PAPER. 402 00:18:46,067 --> 00:18:47,697 - IT'S 2:00 A.M. 403 00:18:47,733 --> 00:18:49,633 - THERE WAS MUCH TOILET PAPER TO BLESS. 404 00:18:49,667 --> 00:18:51,627 - THIS IS TRUE. 405 00:18:51,667 --> 00:18:53,097 - WHAT IS THIS ABOUT BEING A HOMOSEXUAL? 406 00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:55,333 - I AM WHAT I AM, RABBI. 407 00:18:55,367 --> 00:18:57,897 GOD MUST KNOW THE TRUTH. 408 00:18:57,933 --> 00:18:59,703 - GOD PISSES ON YOU FOR THIS ABOMINATION. 409 00:18:59,733 --> 00:19:01,833 - I HAPPEN TO LIKE THAT NOW. 410 00:19:01,867 --> 00:19:03,697 - WHAT IS ALL THE COMMOTION? 411 00:19:03,733 --> 00:19:05,533 - JON HAS TOLD DEVORAH THAT HE LIES WITH MEN. 412 00:19:05,567 --> 00:19:07,097 - IS THIS TRUE, JON? 413 00:19:07,133 --> 00:19:09,073 - I'M AFRAID IT IS, BROTHER-IN-LAW. 414 00:19:09,067 --> 00:19:11,427 - OH, YOU-- YOU SICK ANIMAL! 415 00:19:11,467 --> 00:19:13,197 - SHH! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE! 416 00:19:13,233 --> 00:19:14,773 - IT'S JON! HE'S A HOMOSEXUAL! 417 00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:16,970 - NO. HE IS MARRIED TO DEVORAH. 418 00:19:17,067 --> 00:19:20,127 - HE HAS FORSAKEN HIS DUTIES 419 00:19:20,167 --> 00:19:22,067 FOR CARNAL DEPRAVITY. 420 00:19:22,067 --> 00:19:24,927 - WHAT IS HAPPENING? 421 00:19:24,967 --> 00:19:25,967 both: JON'S GAY. 422 00:19:26,067 --> 00:19:27,767 GOTT IN HIMMEL! 423 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:29,430 - RABBI KAHN, I CAN EXPLAIN. 424 00:19:29,467 --> 00:19:32,497 - I HEAR JON IS HOMOSEXUALS! 425 00:19:32,533 --> 00:19:34,633 - LIKE I SAID, EVERYONE, I CAN EXPLAIN. 426 00:19:34,667 --> 00:19:36,067 - HE'S ALSO A WERE-JEW. 427 00:19:36,067 --> 00:19:38,467 I KNOW, BECAUSE I WAS THE ONE WHO BIT HIM! 428 00:19:38,500 --> 00:19:41,970 - WAIT. JON'S A WERE-JEW? 429 00:19:42,067 --> 00:19:44,967 - LOOK, PLEASE... 430 00:19:45,067 --> 00:19:47,097 EVERYONE, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK. 431 00:19:47,133 --> 00:19:49,133 Y-YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS. 432 00:19:49,167 --> 00:19:50,527 PLEASE! 433 00:19:50,567 --> 00:19:52,367 I CAN EXPLAIN! 434 00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:54,070 - LET'S GET HIM! 435 00:19:54,067 --> 00:19:55,597 - NO! NO! 436 00:19:55,633 --> 00:19:58,933 [people shouting] 437 00:19:58,967 --> 00:20:02,097 [dramatic music] 438 00:20:02,133 --> 00:20:04,733 * 439 00:20:04,767 --> 00:20:06,497 GET IN THE VAN, JON! 440 00:20:06,533 --> 00:20:08,833 - LET'S GET HIM! 441 00:20:08,867 --> 00:20:11,167 - GO! GO! 442 00:20:14,133 --> 00:20:18,073 OH...THANK GOD. 443 00:20:18,100 --> 00:20:19,670 DAVE. 444 00:20:22,433 --> 00:20:24,573 YOU'RE A WEREWOLF? 445 00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:26,800 - WE'RE ALL WEREWOLVES, JON. 446 00:20:30,533 --> 00:20:32,433 - SURPRISE. 447 00:20:32,467 --> 00:20:34,927 - [howling] 448 00:20:34,967 --> 00:20:37,767 [all howling] 449 00:20:42,433 --> 00:20:45,433 Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com 450 00:20:57,267 --> 00:20:58,897 - HEY, BUDDY, YOU LOST? 451 00:20:58,933 --> 00:21:01,333 GO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO CARES! 452 00:21:01,367 --> 00:21:04,067 YOU GUYS LEGAL? 453 00:21:04,100 --> 00:21:05,330 WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. LOOK AT THIS. 454 00:21:05,367 --> 00:21:06,527 YOU GUYS FROM JERSEY? 455 00:21:06,567 --> 00:21:07,867 YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK THERE, 456 00:21:07,900 --> 00:21:09,570 PUT SOME MORE GEL IN YOUR HAIR? 457 00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:11,300 YOU GOT A PROBLEM? - WHAT? 458 00:21:11,333 --> 00:21:13,903 - CAN I TAKE A CRAP IN YOUR MOUTH? 459 00:21:13,933 --> 00:21:16,873 - OH. WHERE YOU GOING? TAKE THE DAY OFF. 460 00:21:16,900 --> 00:21:18,830 SPEND IT WITH A PIGEON. 461 00:21:18,867 --> 00:21:20,167 ALL RIGHT, MAN, 462 00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:23,170 WHY DON'T YOU GO, UH, DO SOME MORE HEROIN, HUH? 463 00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:25,070 YEAH, [bleep] YOU. 31246

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