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1
00:00:02,785 --> 00:00:05,135
Come on, Tina,
we got to get to this theater.
2
00:00:05,179 --> 00:00:07,311
Look, matinee hours
end in 30 minutes,
3
00:00:07,355 --> 00:00:08,921
and I'm not paying
full price
4
00:00:08,965 --> 00:00:12,490
to see The Rock
beat up a hurricane.
5
00:00:12,534 --> 00:00:14,840
Baby, we're only late
because you made us stop
6
00:00:14,884 --> 00:00:16,842
and try every free sample
in the store.
7
00:00:16,886 --> 00:00:19,584
How many weenies on a toothpick
can one man eat?
8
00:00:19,628 --> 00:00:22,892
Well, at least we don't have to
stand in line for popcorn.
9
00:00:22,935 --> 00:00:25,634
I saved us time and money.
10
00:00:25,677 --> 00:00:29,333
Look, we'll just find a birthday
present for Grover and go.
11
00:00:29,377 --> 00:00:31,509
[laughs]:
Oh!
12
00:00:31,553 --> 00:00:33,163
How about these nunchucks?
13
00:00:33,207 --> 00:00:34,904
[shouting]
14
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:40,083
Oh, you know he's gonna
hit Dave with these.
15
00:00:42,085 --> 00:00:43,956
Put them back,
Bruce Leroy.
16
00:00:45,871 --> 00:00:48,091
Gemma doesn't want us
to get him any violent toys.
17
00:00:48,135 --> 00:00:52,182
Fine. Well,
I'm-a get them for me.
18
00:00:52,226 --> 00:00:53,792
Oh, what about this?
19
00:00:53,836 --> 00:00:55,794
No. Gemma asked us
20
00:00:55,838 --> 00:00:59,363
to shy away from any toys
that reinforce specific genders.
21
00:00:59,407 --> 00:01:03,324
Well, God forbid Grover
finds out he's a boy.
22
00:01:03,367 --> 00:01:06,718
How about we just cruise
over to the food section
23
00:01:06,762 --> 00:01:09,286
and get him a can of soup?[chuckles]
24
00:01:09,330 --> 00:01:12,550
Gemma suggested that we get him
something educational.
25
00:01:12,594 --> 00:01:14,596
Well, we can get him
some alphabet soup.
26
00:01:14,639 --> 00:01:17,686
Ooh, this is nice.
27
00:01:17,729 --> 00:01:18,861
A math puzzle.
28
00:01:18,904 --> 00:01:20,645
Seriously?
29
00:01:20,689 --> 00:01:23,692
What did that boy
ever do to you?
30
00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:26,651
You know what? I-I really can't
believe how these parents coddle
31
00:01:26,695 --> 00:01:28,523
their kids nowadays.Mm.
32
00:01:28,566 --> 00:01:31,874
We gave Malcolm and Marty plenty
of violent, gendered toys
33
00:01:31,917 --> 00:01:33,702
and they turned out fine.
34
00:01:33,745 --> 00:01:35,486
[laughter, shouting]
35
00:01:35,530 --> 00:01:37,184
Come on, you're dead, man!
I knocked your head off.
36
00:01:37,227 --> 00:01:38,576
No, you missed.
You hit that old lady!
37
00:01:38,620 --> 00:01:40,056
[both grunting]
38
00:01:43,059 --> 00:01:45,583
You know what? I'm gonna
let you deal with this.
39
00:01:45,627 --> 00:01:47,411
I'm gonna go back and get
some more toothpick weenies.
40
00:01:49,326 --> 00:01:50,980
♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
41
00:01:51,023 --> 00:01:51,981
♪ Welcome to the hood.
42
00:01:58,553 --> 00:02:00,511
Okay, the backyard
is looking good,
43
00:02:00,555 --> 00:02:02,644
and the entertainment should
be here in half an hour.
44
00:02:02,687 --> 00:02:05,429
Oh, there's entertainment?Oh, yeah.
45
00:02:05,473 --> 00:02:09,825
We got the one and only
Insane Shane the Party Ma-chane.
46
00:02:09,868 --> 00:02:13,350
You got Insane Shane?
47
00:02:13,394 --> 00:02:14,917
You've heard of him?No.
48
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:17,441
[chuckles]
49
00:02:17,485 --> 00:02:20,488
He's the premier host of kids'
birthday parties in Pasadena.
50
00:02:20,531 --> 00:02:22,490
Well, what makes
him so special?
51
00:02:22,533 --> 00:02:25,101
Kids love him.
He plays games, he juggles,
52
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:28,017
he can do the happy birthday
song in armpit farts.
53
00:02:28,060 --> 00:02:30,585
Ah, well, Calvin's
birthday is coming up.
54
00:02:30,628 --> 00:02:31,934
I'll keep him in mind.
55
00:02:31,977 --> 00:02:33,631
[laughs]
56
00:02:33,675 --> 00:02:35,416
You almost done
with those cupcakes?
57
00:02:35,459 --> 00:02:37,069
Oh, I'm getting there,
but I can't believe
58
00:02:37,113 --> 00:02:39,028
you bought so many.
59
00:02:39,071 --> 00:02:40,638
Well, I don't know
any of the kids' allergies,
60
00:02:40,682 --> 00:02:42,858
so I got sugar-free,
gluten-free, peanut-free,
61
00:02:42,901 --> 00:02:45,121
vegan, and
vegan-gluten-peanut-sugar free.
62
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:50,692
And taste-free, too.
63
00:02:50,735 --> 00:02:52,650
I know, but I don't care.
64
00:02:52,694 --> 00:02:54,130
I want to play
pin the tail on the donkey,
65
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,001
not jab the kid with the EpiPen.
66
00:02:56,045 --> 00:02:57,351
[chuckles]
67
00:02:57,394 --> 00:02:58,569
What up, what up?
68
00:02:58,613 --> 00:02:59,614
Hey.[gasps]
69
00:02:59,657 --> 00:03:00,789
All right, guys.
We got the balloons.
70
00:03:00,832 --> 00:03:01,920
Oh, thank you, guys.
71
00:03:01,964 --> 00:03:04,401
[high-pitched]:
No problem.
72
00:03:04,445 --> 00:03:05,794
Yeah, there was a leaky one.
73
00:03:05,837 --> 00:03:09,319
Yeah, I didn't want to waste it.[chuckles]
74
00:03:09,363 --> 00:03:12,540
Gemma, disaster.
Insane Shane just cancelled.
75
00:03:12,583 --> 00:03:13,715
What?
76
00:03:13,758 --> 00:03:15,238
Yeah, apparently, he sneezed
77
00:03:15,282 --> 00:03:17,632
while he was
juggling bowling balls.
78
00:03:17,675 --> 00:03:20,591
Now he's in the hospital
with three concussions.
79
00:03:22,637 --> 00:03:23,812
Insane Shane cancelled?
80
00:03:23,855 --> 00:03:25,117
But I told everybody
81
00:03:25,161 --> 00:03:27,119
at school he was gonna be here.
82
00:03:27,163 --> 00:03:28,947
That's why they're coming.
83
00:03:28,991 --> 00:03:31,123
No, no, buddy, they...
84
00:03:31,167 --> 00:03:32,734
The kids are coming
to celebrate you.
85
00:03:32,777 --> 00:03:34,126
That's what this is all about,
86
00:03:34,170 --> 00:03:36,738
how awesome and cool you are.
87
00:03:36,781 --> 00:03:39,044
Mm, they said
they were coming for Shane.
88
00:03:41,308 --> 00:03:43,048
Hey, you know what, Grover?
Malcolm and I can play
89
00:03:43,092 --> 00:03:44,267
party games with you guys.
90
00:03:44,311 --> 00:03:45,790
Can you be insane?
91
00:03:45,834 --> 00:03:47,139
Totally insane.
92
00:03:47,183 --> 00:03:49,054
[chuckles]
93
00:03:49,098 --> 00:03:52,536
Mm, I don't know.
94
00:03:52,580 --> 00:03:54,451
[high-pitched]:
We're the only option you have.
95
00:03:56,323 --> 00:03:58,325
[shouting, cheering]
96
00:03:58,368 --> 00:04:00,196
Finish him!
Now, go!
97
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,067
Go! Go!
Finish him!
Steady yourself!
98
00:04:02,111 --> 00:04:03,808
Go!
Go![thudding]
99
00:04:03,852 --> 00:04:06,202
Oh!
Oh, yes!
100
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:09,336
And just like that,
Colby trips on a sprinkler.
101
00:04:09,379 --> 00:04:12,556
Oh, b-but he is up again,
and running faster than ever.
102
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,341
In the wrong direction.
103
00:04:14,384 --> 00:04:16,343
But here comes Haley
for Team Malcolm.
104
00:04:16,386 --> 00:04:19,955
And Team Malcolm wins. Yes!
105
00:04:19,998 --> 00:04:22,174
In your face!
[laughs]
106
00:04:22,218 --> 00:04:25,352
Dude, what are you doing?
107
00:04:25,395 --> 00:04:26,831
We're just playing party games
with the kids.
108
00:04:26,875 --> 00:04:29,269
Oh, you're just saying that
because I won again.
109
00:04:29,312 --> 00:04:30,531
I came out of Mama first,
110
00:04:30,574 --> 00:04:32,228
and I haven't given up
that lead since.
111
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:35,753
Seriously?
I am an engineer.
112
00:04:35,797 --> 00:04:37,668
I have a great job,
and my own apartment.
113
00:04:37,712 --> 00:04:39,540
You are unemployed,
and you live at home
114
00:04:39,583 --> 00:04:42,064
with your mama
and your daddy.
115
00:04:42,107 --> 00:04:44,501
Yes, but who just won
the egg toss?
116
00:04:46,547 --> 00:04:47,983
You have never beaten me
at anything physical,
117
00:04:48,026 --> 00:04:49,376
and you never will.
118
00:04:49,419 --> 00:04:51,029
[scoffs]
Do you think that bothers me?
119
00:04:51,073 --> 00:04:52,204
I think that kills you.
120
00:04:52,248 --> 00:04:54,119
Damn it, you're right. Kids,
121
00:04:54,163 --> 00:04:57,079
help me get Colby
out of those tomato vines.
122
00:04:57,122 --> 00:04:59,037
Hey, everybody.
123
00:04:59,081 --> 00:05:00,604
Hey.
Hey.
Oh, hey, Calvin.
124
00:05:00,648 --> 00:05:02,998
Hey, baby, where you been?
125
00:05:03,041 --> 00:05:05,914
Oh, I was just wrapping the
birthday gift I got for Grover.
126
00:05:05,957 --> 00:05:08,351
Oh, but we already got him
the math puzzle.
127
00:05:08,395 --> 00:05:11,789
Yeah, you know, I scratched
my name off that card.
128
00:05:11,833 --> 00:05:12,790
That's all you now.
129
00:05:14,139 --> 00:05:17,534
Oh, don't mind if I do.
130
00:05:17,578 --> 00:05:19,275
Ha, ha.
131
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:20,842
What the hell?
132
00:05:22,974 --> 00:05:24,585
Okay, stop playing.
Where are the real cupcakes?
133
00:05:28,153 --> 00:05:31,069
Yay. Flash cards.
134
00:05:32,419 --> 00:05:35,596
Oh, what a great gift.
135
00:05:35,639 --> 00:05:36,988
Now, don't let me
catch you playing with those
136
00:05:37,032 --> 00:05:38,468
after bedtime.[chuckles]
137
00:05:38,512 --> 00:05:39,904
I don't think you're
gonna catch him
138
00:05:39,948 --> 00:05:41,253
playing with those
at any time.
139
00:05:43,430 --> 00:05:45,432
Sweetie, tell Colby
how much you like it.
140
00:05:45,475 --> 00:05:47,390
I thought I wasn't
supposed to lie.
141
00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:50,524
Grover.
142
00:05:50,567 --> 00:05:52,047
It's okay, I get it.
143
00:05:54,136 --> 00:05:58,662
Ring toss, three-legged race,
pin the tail on the donkey.
144
00:05:58,706 --> 00:06:00,185
Yo, man, what
are you doing?
145
00:06:00,229 --> 00:06:03,232
I'm just recapping my wins.
146
00:06:03,275 --> 00:06:05,452
Okay, okay. Well,
in that case, uh,
147
00:06:05,495 --> 00:06:10,065
bank account, credit
score, uh, life.
148
00:06:10,108 --> 00:06:12,459
Those are all
very good points.
149
00:06:12,502 --> 00:06:14,025
Yes.
[laughs]
150
00:06:14,069 --> 00:06:15,418
Don't none of them
matter right now, do they?
151
00:06:15,462 --> 00:06:16,463
No!
152
00:06:18,203 --> 00:06:21,163
Great, another math puzzle.
153
00:06:21,206 --> 00:06:24,079
Grover, thank Miss Tina.
154
00:06:24,122 --> 00:06:25,907
Thanks, Miss Tina.
155
00:06:25,950 --> 00:06:27,387
[quietly]:
Your mother made me get it.
156
00:06:29,127 --> 00:06:31,303
Well, okay, it looks like
we opened up all the gifts.
157
00:06:31,347 --> 00:06:33,088
Oh, oh, oh. Not yet.
158
00:06:33,131 --> 00:06:34,872
There's one more.Aw.
159
00:06:34,916 --> 00:06:36,831
There you go. My man.
160
00:06:36,874 --> 00:06:39,094
Cool!
161
00:06:39,137 --> 00:06:42,271
A knife.
162
00:06:42,314 --> 00:06:44,795
A knife?[laughs]: Whoa! A knife.
163
00:06:44,839 --> 00:06:46,884
Yeah, a knife. Here,
hold that next to your face
164
00:06:46,928 --> 00:06:47,972
so I can take a picture.
165
00:06:48,016 --> 00:06:49,626
TINA:
Oh, my God.
166
00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:53,108
Yeah.
[laughs] Yeah.
167
00:06:53,151 --> 00:06:56,328
[high-pitched]:
Holler at your boy!
168
00:07:05,207 --> 00:07:07,514
Can I touch it?Yeah.
169
00:07:07,557 --> 00:07:11,561
But you got me the flash cards,
so you're last.
170
00:07:11,605 --> 00:07:13,998
Calvin, what is the matter with
you, getting Grover a knife?
171
00:07:14,042 --> 00:07:15,957
What, were they
all out of nail guns?
172
00:07:17,393 --> 00:07:19,439
Give me some credit, Tina.
173
00:07:19,482 --> 00:07:21,136
The kickback on
one of those things
174
00:07:21,179 --> 00:07:24,269
would knock that
boy off his feet.
175
00:07:24,313 --> 00:07:26,707
Okay, you know what?
Everyone, back away.Yeah. Yeah.
176
00:07:26,750 --> 00:07:28,926
It's my turn to touch it.
177
00:07:28,970 --> 00:07:31,799
Yep. All right, why don't we
put away all the lovely gifts,
178
00:07:31,842 --> 00:07:32,800
and the knife,
179
00:07:32,843 --> 00:07:34,279
and, uh, get back
180
00:07:34,323 --> 00:07:36,368
to the fun games
with Malcolm and Marty?
181
00:07:36,412 --> 00:07:38,370
But everyone wants
to play with it.
182
00:07:38,414 --> 00:07:39,937
I know, that's why
it's going away.
183
00:07:39,981 --> 00:07:42,113
Guys, could you take
all the kids outside?
184
00:07:42,157 --> 00:07:43,375
All right, kids, let's go.All right, let's go.
185
00:07:43,419 --> 00:07:44,507
Let's go, let's go.Let's go.
186
00:07:44,551 --> 00:07:47,031
Dave, kitchen, now.
187
00:07:47,075 --> 00:07:48,946
Ooh.
188
00:07:48,990 --> 00:07:52,994
Dave, trouble, in.
189
00:07:54,386 --> 00:07:56,563
Calvin, cupcake, find.
190
00:08:02,612 --> 00:08:04,571
How could Calvin
give our son a knife
191
00:08:04,614 --> 00:08:06,747
without talking to us first?
192
00:08:06,790 --> 00:08:08,792
I know. He probably knew
193
00:08:08,836 --> 00:08:11,186
that I couldn't keep
something that cool a secret.
194
00:08:11,229 --> 00:08:15,495
How are you not more upset about
this? He gave our son a weapon.
195
00:08:15,538 --> 00:08:18,410
It's not a weapon,
it's-it's a pocketknife.
196
00:08:18,454 --> 00:08:20,848
It's a handheld
stabbing machine.
197
00:08:20,891 --> 00:08:24,416
Yeah, but if they call it that,
they're not gonna sell any.
198
00:08:24,460 --> 00:08:26,680
Oh...Okay, look,
199
00:08:26,723 --> 00:08:30,205
I know you just want
Grover to be safe.
200
00:08:30,248 --> 00:08:33,469
So do I, but, you know,
it's not that big a deal.
201
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,602
When I was his age,
I had a BB gun.
202
00:08:35,645 --> 00:08:37,429
Yeah, and you still have
a BB in your arm
203
00:08:37,473 --> 00:08:39,606
from when your friend
shot you with it.
204
00:08:39,649 --> 00:08:41,433
Actually,
it's not there anymore.
205
00:08:41,477 --> 00:08:43,566
It just, it disappeared
for a year,
206
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:45,220
and then it resurfaced
in my leg.
207
00:08:47,570 --> 00:08:48,745
We'll talk about this later.
208
00:08:48,789 --> 00:08:50,181
Right now,
this is going in the same drawer
209
00:08:50,225 --> 00:08:52,053
as your fedora
and your laser pointer.
210
00:08:52,096 --> 00:08:55,360
What-- you said that
my laser pointer was stolen.
211
00:08:57,101 --> 00:08:59,843
Can I have the
knife back?
212
00:08:59,887 --> 00:09:01,976
The other kids are
ignoring me without it.
213
00:09:02,019 --> 00:09:03,978
Oh, honey,
they're not ignoring you.
214
00:09:04,021 --> 00:09:05,980
Yeah, they probably think
the party is just less fun
215
00:09:06,023 --> 00:09:07,503
now that the knife is gone.
216
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,418
Gemma,
217
00:09:09,461 --> 00:09:11,463
I-I know you think
it's dangerous,
218
00:09:11,507 --> 00:09:14,249
but the knife is
actually pretty cool.
219
00:09:14,292 --> 00:09:17,513
And isn't that exactly what
you wanted for Grover's party?
220
00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:20,037
Well, yeah, but...Okay. Well, then,
221
00:09:20,081 --> 00:09:22,562
how about this: how about
I'll take the knife outside,
222
00:09:22,605 --> 00:09:24,128
and I will show it to the kids?
223
00:09:24,172 --> 00:09:25,477
I will hold it
224
00:09:25,521 --> 00:09:28,524
the whole time, I promise.
225
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:31,048
In fact, you know what?
I won't even open it.
226
00:09:31,092 --> 00:09:33,616
Please, Mom? It's my birthday.
227
00:09:33,660 --> 00:09:36,097
Fine.
228
00:09:36,140 --> 00:09:39,187
BOTH:
Yeah!
229
00:09:39,230 --> 00:09:40,449
Ooh, and, uh, my laser pointer?
230
00:09:40,492 --> 00:09:42,669
It's in heaven now.
231
00:09:42,712 --> 00:09:44,540
[straining]
232
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,324
Come on, Team Marty!
233
00:09:46,368 --> 00:09:48,326
This isn't about
fun and games anymore.
234
00:09:48,370 --> 00:09:51,373
Then why are we doing it?
235
00:09:51,416 --> 00:09:53,897
So Marty doesn't cry
himself to sleep tonight.
236
00:09:53,941 --> 00:09:57,074
[laughter]Hey! Hey! I don't
do that anymore.
237
00:09:57,118 --> 00:10:00,251
Stop laughing!
You're on my team.
238
00:10:00,295 --> 00:10:01,818
Here come the waterworks.
239
00:10:03,124 --> 00:10:05,648
We got the knife!
240
00:10:05,692 --> 00:10:07,128
[cheering]
241
00:10:07,171 --> 00:10:08,912
BOTH:
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
242
00:10:08,956 --> 00:10:11,872
Oh... Uh-huh.
Oh... Whoo!
243
00:10:11,915 --> 00:10:13,395
And then there were two.
244
00:10:13,438 --> 00:10:15,049
Oh, I see you've been
working on your math.
245
00:10:15,092 --> 00:10:16,790
[chuckles]
246
00:10:16,833 --> 00:10:18,966
I see you haven't been
working on your arms.
247
00:10:19,009 --> 00:10:21,621
Okay, so it's like that?
248
00:10:21,664 --> 00:10:24,145
[strains]: Yeah.Yeah, well, I could
do this all day.
249
00:10:24,188 --> 00:10:25,755
I don't have to go
to work until Monday.
250
00:10:25,799 --> 00:10:28,453
Oh, yeah? Joke's on you.
I don't have a job.
251
00:10:30,194 --> 00:10:31,718
Now,
252
00:10:31,761 --> 00:10:33,676
I know most of you think
that the blade
253
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,547
is the coolest part
of the knife,
254
00:10:35,591 --> 00:10:38,115
but have you ever
stopped to take a look
255
00:10:38,159 --> 00:10:40,596
at the bolster?
Take a look at that.
256
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,554
Dave?
257
00:10:42,598 --> 00:10:44,600
What the heck
are you doing?
258
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,733
Leave it up to you
to make a knife boring.
259
00:10:46,776 --> 00:10:49,083
Open it up.
260
00:10:49,126 --> 00:10:51,563
I can't. I promised Gemma.
261
00:10:51,607 --> 00:10:53,391
Dave, come on.
[laughs]
262
00:10:53,435 --> 00:10:55,655
These kids are starving
for something fun.
263
00:10:55,698 --> 00:10:57,874
My mom says fun is dangerous.
264
00:11:00,181 --> 00:11:02,139
Well, your mom thinks
flash cards are a great gift.
265
00:11:02,183 --> 00:11:03,663
[blows raspberry]
266
00:11:03,706 --> 00:11:06,883
Now, who wants to have fun?
267
00:11:06,927 --> 00:11:08,450
[cheering, screaming]
268
00:11:08,493 --> 00:11:09,930
O-Okay, all right.
269
00:11:09,973 --> 00:11:11,888
Okay, fine,
I will open it.
270
00:11:11,932 --> 00:11:14,848
But only so I can teach
you guys proper knife safety.
271
00:11:14,891 --> 00:11:18,808
I'm kind of an expert
since I was an Eagle Scout.
272
00:11:18,852 --> 00:11:19,853
What's that?
273
00:11:19,896 --> 00:11:21,593
What's an Eagle Scout?
274
00:11:21,637 --> 00:11:25,728
[laughs] Well, it's like
one step below a Navy SEAL.
275
00:11:25,772 --> 00:11:26,947
Dave,
276
00:11:26,990 --> 00:11:28,818
you're barely one step
above a real seal.
277
00:11:31,299 --> 00:11:33,649
Okay, okay.
All right.
278
00:11:35,738 --> 00:11:38,132
Now, there are a few things
279
00:11:38,175 --> 00:11:40,656
that you should always do
when handling a knife.
280
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,179
You should always make sure
281
00:11:42,223 --> 00:11:44,312
that there is no one
within arm's reach.
282
00:11:44,355 --> 00:11:47,358
Okay?
283
00:11:47,402 --> 00:11:49,926
And you should
always make sure
284
00:11:49,970 --> 00:11:53,582
that you are cutting away
from yourself, like so.
285
00:11:55,497 --> 00:11:57,847
CALVIN:
Okay, all right.
286
00:11:57,891 --> 00:12:01,590
Okay, those are a few
of the boring things
287
00:12:01,633 --> 00:12:03,331
you should always do.
288
00:12:03,374 --> 00:12:05,463
Now let me show you a few
289
00:12:05,507 --> 00:12:07,988
cool things
that you should never do.
290
00:12:08,031 --> 00:12:09,685
Okay, okay,
all right.
291
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:12,035
Kids, kids.All right? With a knife.
292
00:12:12,079 --> 00:12:15,560
All right? Never...
293
00:12:15,604 --> 00:12:16,953
hold a knife like this.
294
00:12:16,997 --> 00:12:19,216
ALL:
Ooh!
295
00:12:19,260 --> 00:12:21,784
Unless
there's a zombie apocalypse,
296
00:12:21,828 --> 00:12:23,786
and you got to do
what you got to do.
297
00:12:23,830 --> 00:12:27,094
Look here. Zombie! Zombie,
zombie, zombie, zombie![kids shouting]
298
00:12:27,137 --> 00:12:29,966
Calvin! Cal-Calvin,
that's enough.
299
00:12:30,010 --> 00:12:31,794
Never go hand to hand.
300
00:12:31,838 --> 00:12:34,101
Don't want to do that.
301
00:12:34,144 --> 00:12:37,191
Unless there are zombies
on both sides.
302
00:12:37,234 --> 00:12:39,062
Left zombie dead!
303
00:12:39,106 --> 00:12:40,629
[kids cheering]Right zombie dead! Yeah!
304
00:12:40,672 --> 00:12:43,110
Cal-Cal. Okay, Calvin,
that's good. We...
305
00:12:43,153 --> 00:12:46,200
Lis-Listen, kids, and never,
ever, ever, ever
306
00:12:46,243 --> 00:12:48,985
hold a knife by the blade...
307
00:12:49,029 --> 00:12:52,728
unless... you're gonna throw it
at the king zombie.
308
00:12:55,644 --> 00:12:58,516
ALL:
Oh!
309
00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:00,344
Calvin! That...
310
00:13:02,477 --> 00:13:03,434
...was awesome!
311
00:13:03,478 --> 00:13:07,177
[kids cheering]
312
00:13:07,221 --> 00:13:09,571
Gemma, I'm so sorry
about Calvin.
313
00:13:09,614 --> 00:13:11,486
He should never have given
Grover that knife
314
00:13:11,529 --> 00:13:13,140
without asking you guys first.
315
00:13:13,183 --> 00:13:15,098
Funny, that's exactly
what I was gonna write
316
00:13:15,142 --> 00:13:16,621
on the thank-you card.
317
00:13:16,665 --> 00:13:18,885
[chuckles]
318
00:13:18,928 --> 00:13:21,365
What is it with boys
and dangerous things?
319
00:13:21,409 --> 00:13:23,367
You know, scientific studies
have been done
320
00:13:23,411 --> 00:13:25,979
on this very subject,
and they always come back
321
00:13:26,022 --> 00:13:28,808
with the same conclusion:
boys are stupid.
322
00:13:31,158 --> 00:13:34,378
Maybe for Christmas,
I should just get Grover
323
00:13:34,422 --> 00:13:36,641
this box of matches
and a can of lighter fluid.
324
00:13:36,685 --> 00:13:39,166
Oh, please.
He doesn't need those.
325
00:13:39,209 --> 00:13:42,125
Marty used to start fires
with his magnifying glass.
326
00:13:42,169 --> 00:13:43,735
Really?
327
00:13:43,779 --> 00:13:46,129
You know that's
our third garage out back?
328
00:13:47,652 --> 00:13:49,611
Look, my point is,
329
00:13:49,654 --> 00:13:51,656
no matter what you do,
boys will always
330
00:13:51,700 --> 00:13:54,224
find a way to make
everything dangerous.
331
00:13:54,268 --> 00:13:56,966
[scoffs] Well, when do they
finally grow out of it?
332
00:13:57,010 --> 00:13:59,969
Well, Calvin bought nunchucks
the other day, so, never.
333
00:14:00,013 --> 00:14:03,190
Great. That means
I'm gonna be worried
334
00:14:03,233 --> 00:14:04,800
for the rest of my life.
335
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,280
Well, if it makes you feel
any better,
336
00:14:06,323 --> 00:14:08,064
they keep it interesting.
337
00:14:08,108 --> 00:14:11,459
You know, Malcolm once stuck
a fork in a light socket.
338
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:14,288
What happened?
339
00:14:14,331 --> 00:14:15,637
We had to get a new fuse box.
340
00:14:17,944 --> 00:14:20,424
Oh, you mean to Malcolm.Yeah.
341
00:14:20,468 --> 00:14:21,599
He was fine
once his eyebrows grew back.
342
00:14:23,340 --> 00:14:25,734
Look, Gemma,
343
00:14:25,777 --> 00:14:28,041
if you want, I'll make
sure that Calvin takes
344
00:14:28,084 --> 00:14:29,694
that knife back right now.
345
00:14:29,738 --> 00:14:31,261
It's okay.
Dave promised
346
00:14:31,305 --> 00:14:32,610
they'd be careful with it.
347
00:14:35,352 --> 00:14:37,659
KIDS: Whoa!
348
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:43,883
And that's how
you play pin-finger.
349
00:14:45,232 --> 00:14:47,060
Which you should never, ever do
350
00:14:47,103 --> 00:14:48,670
unless you're a pirate.
351
00:14:48,713 --> 00:14:49,453
Or me.
352
00:14:49,497 --> 00:14:51,542
Wow.
353
00:14:51,586 --> 00:14:54,241
[groans]I know what
you're thinking.
354
00:14:54,284 --> 00:14:55,938
You have no idea
what I'm thinking.
355
00:14:55,982 --> 00:14:59,246
"Use the force, Marty."
356
00:14:59,289 --> 00:15:01,509
Get out of my head, wizard!
357
00:15:01,552 --> 00:15:03,250
Oh, no.
358
00:15:03,293 --> 00:15:04,642
I live in your head.
359
00:15:04,686 --> 00:15:06,166
Oh, why-- did Mom and Dad
360
00:15:06,209 --> 00:15:07,210
finally start charging you rent?
361
00:15:09,038 --> 00:15:10,648
I knew you would say that.
362
00:15:10,692 --> 00:15:13,216
No, you didn't. Stop it!No, you didn't. Stop it!
363
00:15:13,260 --> 00:15:15,001
I'm not playin'!I'm not playin'!
364
00:15:15,044 --> 00:15:17,655
I'm not playin'!I'm not playin'!
365
00:15:17,699 --> 00:15:19,831
Do another trick!
366
00:15:19,875 --> 00:15:21,224
All right, I'll show you a
trick. Give me the knife.
367
00:15:21,268 --> 00:15:23,226
Really, seal boy?
368
00:15:23,270 --> 00:15:24,924
What are you gonna do--
balance it on your nose?
369
00:15:26,490 --> 00:15:29,102
Okay, now, don't tell your mom,
370
00:15:29,145 --> 00:15:30,364
but this is a little trick
371
00:15:30,407 --> 00:15:32,235
I used to wow 'em with
back in scout camp.
372
00:15:34,759 --> 00:15:36,936
KIDS:
Whoa!
373
00:15:36,979 --> 00:15:39,025
[laughs]
374
00:15:39,068 --> 00:15:41,027
It might be good
for scout camp,
375
00:15:41,070 --> 00:15:43,855
but what are you gonna do in
real life when zombies attack?
376
00:15:43,899 --> 00:15:46,467
Hmm?All right.
377
00:15:46,510 --> 00:15:47,468
Want to see me throw it higher?
378
00:15:47,511 --> 00:15:48,469
KIDS:
Yeah!
379
00:15:51,994 --> 00:15:54,823
KIDS:
Whoa!
380
00:15:54,866 --> 00:15:56,825
Your dad's cool, Grover.
381
00:15:56,868 --> 00:15:58,087
Oh, you think
that was cool?
382
00:15:58,131 --> 00:15:59,654
You better put
on your parka,
383
00:15:59,697 --> 00:16:02,178
because it's about to
get downright freezing.
384
00:16:02,222 --> 00:16:04,137
All right.
385
00:16:04,180 --> 00:16:06,269
Give me some room.
386
00:16:06,313 --> 00:16:07,967
Ready?
387
00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:10,317
♪ Happy birth...
388
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,972
ALL:
Oh!
389
00:16:13,015 --> 00:16:15,191
Right through the shoe. Ooh.
390
00:16:15,235 --> 00:16:17,411
Oh, my God,
are you okay?
391
00:16:17,454 --> 00:16:19,021
Gemma, get
the car keys!Okay, okay.
392
00:16:19,065 --> 00:16:20,849
Okay.Get the car keys now.
393
00:16:21,937 --> 00:16:24,809
Uh, uh, guys, I...
394
00:16:24,853 --> 00:16:27,551
hope that is a valuable lesson
to all of you
395
00:16:27,595 --> 00:16:29,684
that you won't
tell your parents.
396
00:16:37,561 --> 00:16:39,781
So...
397
00:16:39,824 --> 00:16:41,087
fun party.
398
00:16:43,915 --> 00:16:46,135
Yeah, it was great.
399
00:16:46,179 --> 00:16:47,528
There was blood,
there was a knife.
400
00:16:47,571 --> 00:16:49,269
The only thing missing
was the crime scene tape.
401
00:16:51,227 --> 00:16:52,576
Okay, okay.
Look, I get it.
402
00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:54,578
You're mad.
403
00:16:54,622 --> 00:16:56,928
I never should have
given him the knife.
404
00:16:56,972 --> 00:17:00,149
You think?
He's only seven years old.
405
00:17:00,193 --> 00:17:02,064
Oh, I was talking
about Dave.
406
00:17:04,327 --> 00:17:06,416
Yeah...
I specifically asked
407
00:17:06,460 --> 00:17:09,071
that nobody get Grover a weapon,
and you got him one anyway.
408
00:17:09,115 --> 00:17:11,639
And a math puzzle.
409
00:17:11,682 --> 00:17:13,597
No matter what the card says,
that was from both of us.
410
00:17:14,990 --> 00:17:16,513
[clears throat]
411
00:17:16,557 --> 00:17:18,646
Look, Gemma.
412
00:17:18,689 --> 00:17:21,214
Look, I didn't mean
to disrespect you
413
00:17:21,257 --> 00:17:23,825
or anything like that.
I just remember
414
00:17:23,868 --> 00:17:26,436
when my grandfather
gave me my first knife.
415
00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:29,309
It made me...
416
00:17:29,352 --> 00:17:32,094
feel like a man, even though
I was a kid. And so
417
00:17:32,138 --> 00:17:34,836
I wanted Grover
to have that same feeling too.
418
00:17:34,879 --> 00:17:36,403
But he's not a man.
419
00:17:36,446 --> 00:17:38,231
He's a little boy.
420
00:17:39,710 --> 00:17:41,408
Look, I'm not naive.
421
00:17:41,451 --> 00:17:44,150
I know I can't keep him
in a bubble forever.
422
00:17:44,193 --> 00:17:46,543
But he's my baby,
and I want to protect him
423
00:17:46,587 --> 00:17:48,328
for as long as I can.
424
00:17:48,371 --> 00:17:51,374
You know what?
You're right.
425
00:17:51,418 --> 00:17:53,637
I guess I just
never looked at it like that.
426
00:17:53,681 --> 00:17:55,030
I'm sorry.
427
00:17:57,337 --> 00:18:00,296
It's okay.
428
00:18:00,340 --> 00:18:02,472
Your heart was
in the right place.
429
00:18:02,516 --> 00:18:04,344
Yeah.
430
00:18:04,387 --> 00:18:06,085
Besides, I have to admit,
431
00:18:06,128 --> 00:18:08,348
the knife was a huge hit.Hmm.
432
00:18:08,391 --> 00:18:10,654
Probably even bigger
than Insane Shane would've been.
433
00:18:12,569 --> 00:18:13,918
He's one floor up,
by the way.
434
00:18:16,486 --> 00:18:19,707
You know, Grover did
seem like he had fun.
435
00:18:19,750 --> 00:18:21,665
I know.
436
00:18:21,709 --> 00:18:23,667
I was so worried
about him making friends,
437
00:18:23,711 --> 00:18:25,539
but now all the kids
think he's cool.
438
00:18:25,582 --> 00:18:27,193
Well, of course.
439
00:18:27,236 --> 00:18:30,544
They saw a dude get stabbed
at his birthday party.
440
00:18:30,587 --> 00:18:33,329
Come Monday, he's
gonna be the man.
441
00:18:34,591 --> 00:18:36,289
Oh.Oh.
442
00:18:36,332 --> 00:18:38,160
There you are.
Are you okay?
443
00:18:38,204 --> 00:18:39,901
Well...
444
00:18:39,944 --> 00:18:41,729
they couldn't save the sock.
445
00:18:44,297 --> 00:18:46,255
But other than that,
I'm fine. Ooh, and look.
446
00:18:46,299 --> 00:18:48,605
They took out my BB.[clinking]
447
00:18:50,738 --> 00:18:53,784
I don't know whether to kiss you
or step on your foot.
448
00:18:53,828 --> 00:18:55,743
I know which one
would be more fun to watch.
449
00:18:55,786 --> 00:18:58,485
[chuckles]
450
00:18:58,528 --> 00:19:00,139
I'm sorry
we played with the knife.
451
00:19:00,182 --> 00:19:03,098
Yeah. Yeah, it was
a little childish.
452
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:05,274
But the kids were egging us on.
453
00:19:05,318 --> 00:19:07,842
Yeah, and I totally
would have caught it
454
00:19:07,885 --> 00:19:09,583
if I wasn't distracted
by the cake.
455
00:19:09,626 --> 00:19:10,975
Throwing it
that high?
456
00:19:11,019 --> 00:19:12,934
Yeah, right.
457
00:19:12,977 --> 00:19:14,414
I'm sorry,
you-you don't think so?
458
00:19:14,457 --> 00:19:16,633
'Cause there's a scalpel
back in the room.
459
00:19:16,677 --> 00:19:19,375
Hey, you're talking.
I don't see you moving, though.Well, let's go, then.
460
00:19:19,419 --> 00:19:20,681
I don't care.Really, I mean, you're gonna do
what you're gonna do.
461
00:19:20,724 --> 00:19:21,943
Guys.I mean, you saw I was...
462
00:19:21,986 --> 00:19:26,208
Sorry. You're right.Yeah, my bad. Bad...
463
00:19:29,864 --> 00:19:31,474
Meet me in the back yard
tomorrow.
464
00:19:31,518 --> 00:19:33,433
I'll show you.
465
00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:46,097
Did you ask my parents if it's
okay to do this to our tree?
466
00:19:46,141 --> 00:19:48,230
No.
467
00:19:48,274 --> 00:19:51,233
That's why I'm carving
your name into it and not mine.
468
00:19:53,627 --> 00:19:56,107
So, how did your friends
like the party?
469
00:19:56,151 --> 00:19:57,805
Yeah, they loved it.
470
00:19:57,848 --> 00:19:59,720
I even got a bunch
of play date invites.
471
00:19:59,763 --> 00:20:01,330
Well, all right.
472
00:20:01,374 --> 00:20:03,550
You know what?
473
00:20:03,593 --> 00:20:07,597
I'm gonna hold onto this for you
until your mom says it's okay.
474
00:20:07,641 --> 00:20:09,773
But the knife
is what made me cool.
475
00:20:09,817 --> 00:20:10,861
Oh... [chuckles]
476
00:20:10,905 --> 00:20:13,124
trust me, Grover, you were cool
477
00:20:13,168 --> 00:20:15,388
way before this knife.
478
00:20:15,431 --> 00:20:17,172
You think?
479
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:20,349
Definitely.
And that's coming from me,
480
00:20:20,393 --> 00:20:23,657
the coolest guy you know.
481
00:20:23,700 --> 00:20:25,615
Thanks, Mr. Calvin.
482
00:20:25,659 --> 00:20:27,617
Good night, little man.Good night.
483
00:20:27,661 --> 00:20:29,097
All right.
484
00:20:29,140 --> 00:20:30,490
[imitates explosion,
chuckles]
485
00:20:33,188 --> 00:20:35,538
All right, fellas,
finish up, now.
486
00:20:35,582 --> 00:20:37,018
Come on, your
mom made dinner.
487
00:20:37,061 --> 00:20:39,934
Oh, help me, Jesus.
488
00:20:39,977 --> 00:20:42,545
Face it, Marty--
you will never beat me.
489
00:20:42,589 --> 00:20:44,765
I can feel it.
Tonight is the night!
490
00:20:44,808 --> 00:20:46,114
Oh, no.
491
00:20:46,157 --> 00:20:47,420
You're fooling yourself.
492
00:20:47,463 --> 00:20:48,725
I'll always be bigger.[groans]
493
00:20:48,769 --> 00:20:50,379
I'll always be stronger,
I'll always be...
494
00:20:50,423 --> 00:20:52,642
Aah![thud]
495
00:20:55,471 --> 00:20:57,343
And I'll always be smarter.
496
00:20:57,386 --> 00:20:59,301
[laughs]
497
00:21:04,567 --> 00:21:07,614
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
498
00:21:07,657 --> 00:21:10,312
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
35491
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