Original subtitles

Come on, Tina, we got to get to this theater.

Look, matinee hours end in 30 minutes,

and I'm not paying full price

to see The Rock beat up a hurricane.

Baby, we're only late because you made us stop

and try every free sample in the store.

How many weenies on a toothpick can one man eat?

Well, at least we don't have to stand in line for popcorn.

I saved us time and money.

Look, we'll just find a birthday present for Grover and go.

[laughs]: Oh!

How about these nunchucks?

[shouting]

Oh, you know he's gonna hit Dave with these.

Put them back, Bruce Leroy.

Gemma doesn't want us to get him any violent toys.

Fine. Well, I'm-a get them for me.

Oh, what about this?

No. Gemma asked us

to shy away from any toys that reinforce specific genders.

Well, God forbid Grover finds out he's a boy.

How about we just cruise over to the food section

and get him a can of soup?[chuckles]

Gemma suggested that we get him something educational.

Well, we can get him some alphabet soup.

Ooh, this is nice.

A math puzzle.

Seriously?

What did that boy ever do to you?

You know what? I-I really can't believe how these parents coddle

their kids nowadays.Mm.

We gave Malcolm and Marty plenty of violent, gendered toys

and they turned out fine.

[laughter, shouting]

Come on, you're dead, man! I knocked your head off.

No, you missed. You hit that old lady!

[both grunting]

You know what? I'm gonna let you deal with this.

I'm gonna go back and get some more toothpick weenies.

♪ Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood.

Okay, the backyard is looking good,

and the entertainment should be here in half an hour.

Oh, there's entertainment?Oh, yeah.

We got the one and only Insane Shane the Party Ma-chane.

You got Insane Shane?

You've heard of him?No.

[chuckles]

He's the premier host of kids' birthday parties in Pasadena.

Well, what makes him so special?

Kids love him. He plays games, he juggles,

he can do the happy birthday song in armpit farts.

Ah, well, Calvin's birthday is coming up.

I'll keep him in mind.

[laughs]

You almost done with those cupcakes?

Oh, I'm getting there, but I can't believe

you bought so many.

Well, I don't know any of the kids' allergies,

so I got sugar-free, gluten-free, peanut-free,

vegan, and vegan-gluten-peanut-sugar free.

And taste-free, too.

I know, but I don't care.

I want to play pin the tail on the donkey,

not jab the kid with the EpiPen.

[chuckles]

What up, what up?

Hey.[gasps]

All right, guys. We got the balloons.

Oh, thank you, guys.

[high-pitched]: No problem.

Yeah, there was a leaky one.

Yeah, I didn't want to waste it.[chuckles]

Gemma, disaster. Insane Shane just cancelled.

What?

Yeah, apparently, he sneezed

while he was juggling bowling balls.

Now he's in the hospital with three concussions.

Insane Shane cancelled?

But I told everybody

at school he was gonna be here.

That's why they're coming.

No, no, buddy, they...

The kids are coming to celebrate you.

That's what this is all about,

how awesome and cool you are.

Mm, they said they were coming for Shane.

Hey, you know what, Grover? Malcolm and I can play

party games with you guys.

Can you be insane?

Totally insane.

[chuckles]

Mm, I don't know.

[high-pitched]: We're the only option you have.

[shouting, cheering]

Finish him! Now, go!

Go! Go! Finish him! Steady yourself!

Go! Go![thudding]

Oh! Oh, yes!

And just like that, Colby trips on a sprinkler.

Oh, b-but he is up again, and running faster than ever.

In the wrong direction.

But here comes Haley for Team Malcolm.

And Team Malcolm wins. Yes!

In your face! [laughs]

Dude, what are you doing?

We're just playing party games with the kids.

Oh, you're just saying that because I won again.

I came out of Mama first,

and I haven't given up that lead since.

Seriously? I am an engineer.

I have a great job, and my own apartment.

You are unemployed, and you live at home

with your mama and your daddy.

Yes, but who just won the egg toss?

You have never beaten me at anything physical,

and you never will.

[scoffs] Do you think that bothers me?

I think that kills you.

Damn it, you're right. Kids,

help me get Colby out of those tomato vines.

Hey, everybody.

Hey. Hey. Oh, hey, Calvin.

Hey, baby, where you been?

Oh, I was just wrapping the birthday gift I got for Grover.

Oh, but we already got him the math puzzle.

Yeah, you know, I scratched my name off that card.

That's all you now.

Oh, don't mind if I do.

Ha, ha.

What the hell?

Okay, stop playing. Where are the real cupcakes?

Yay. Flash cards.

Oh, what a great gift.

Now, don't let me catch you playing with those

after bedtime.[chuckles]

I don't think you're gonna catch him

playing with those at any time.

Sweetie, tell Colby how much you like it.

I thought I wasn't supposed to lie.

Grover.

It's okay, I get it.

Ring toss, three-legged race, pin the tail on the donkey.

Yo, man, what are you doing?

I'm just recapping my wins.

Okay, okay. Well, in that case, uh,

bank account, credit score, uh, life.

Those are all very good points.

Yes. [laughs]

Don't none of them matter right now, do they?

No!

Great, another math puzzle.

Grover, thank Miss Tina.

Thanks, Miss Tina.

[quietly]: Your mother made me get it.

Well, okay, it looks like we opened up all the gifts.

Oh, oh, oh. Not yet.

There's one more.Aw.

There you go. My man.

Cool!

A knife.

A knife?[laughs]: Whoa! A knife.

Yeah, a knife. Here, hold that next to your face

so I can take a picture.

TINA: Oh, my God.

Yeah. [laughs] Yeah.

[high-pitched]: Holler at your boy!

Can I touch it?Yeah.

But you got me the flash cards, so you're last.

Calvin, what is the matter with you, getting Grover a knife?

What, were they all out of nail guns?

Give me some credit, Tina.

The kickback on one of those things

would knock that boy off his feet.

Okay, you know what? Everyone, back away.Yeah. Yeah.

It's my turn to touch it.

Yep. All right, why don't we put away all the lovely gifts,

and the knife,

and, uh, get back

to the fun games with Malcolm and Marty?

But everyone wants to play with it.

I know, that's why it's going away.

Guys, could you take all the kids outside?

All right, kids, let's go.All right, let's go.

Let's go, let's go.Let's go.

Dave, kitchen, now.

Ooh.

Dave, trouble, in.

Calvin, cupcake, find.

How could Calvin give our son a knife

without talking to us first?

I know. He probably knew

that I couldn't keep something that cool a secret.

How are you not more upset about this? He gave our son a weapon.

It's not a weapon, it's-it's a pocketknife.

It's a handheld stabbing machine.

Yeah, but if they call it that, they're not gonna sell any.

Oh...Okay, look,

I know you just want Grover to be safe.

So do I, but, you know, it's not that big a deal.

When I was his age, I had a BB gun.

Yeah, and you still have a BB in your arm

from when your friend shot you with it.

Actually, it's not there anymore.

It just, it disappeared for a year,

and then it resurfaced in my leg.

We'll talk about this later.

Right now, this is going in the same drawer

as your fedora and your laser pointer.

What-- you said that my laser pointer was stolen.

Can I have the knife back?

The other kids are ignoring me without it.

Oh, honey, they're not ignoring you.

Yeah, they probably think the party is just less fun

now that the knife is gone.

Gemma,

I-I know you think it's dangerous,

but the knife is actually pretty cool.

And isn't that exactly what you wanted for Grover's party?

Well, yeah, but...Okay. Well, then,

how about this: how about I'll take the knife outside,

and I will show it to the kids?

I will hold it

the whole time, I promise.

In fact, you know what? I won't even open it.

Please, Mom? It's my birthday.

Fine.

BOTH: Yeah!

Ooh, and, uh, my laser pointer?

It's in heaven now.

[straining]

Come on, Team Marty!

This isn't about fun and games anymore.

Then why are we doing it?

So Marty doesn't cry himself to sleep tonight.

[laughter]Hey! Hey! I don't do that anymore.

Stop laughing! You're on my team.

Here come the waterworks.

We got the knife!

[cheering]

BOTH: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh... Uh-huh. Oh... Whoo!

And then there were two.

Oh, I see you've been working on your math.

[chuckles]

I see you haven't been working on your arms.

Okay, so it's like that?

[strains]: Yeah.Yeah, well, I could do this all day.

I don't have to go to work until Monday.

Oh, yeah? Joke's on you. I don't have a job.

Now,

I know most of you think that the blade

is the coolest part of the knife,

but have you ever stopped to take a look

at the bolster? Take a look at that.

Dave?

What the heck are you doing?

Leave it up to you to make a knife boring.

Open it up.

I can't. I promised Gemma.

Dave, come on. [laughs]

These kids are starving for something fun.

My mom says fun is dangerous.

Well, your mom thinks flash cards are a great gift.

[blows raspberry]

Now, who wants to have fun?

[cheering, screaming]

O-Okay, all right.

Okay, fine, I will open it.

But only so I can teach you guys proper knife safety.

I'm kind of an expert since I was an Eagle Scout.

What's that?

What's an Eagle Scout?

[laughs] Well, it's like one step below a Navy SEAL.

Dave,

you're barely one step above a real seal.

Okay, okay. All right.

Now, there are a few things

that you should always do when handling a knife.

You should always make sure

that there is no one within arm's reach.

Okay?

And you should always make sure

that you are cutting away from yourself, like so.

CALVIN: Okay, all right.

Okay, those are a few of the boring things

you should always do.

Now let me show you a few

cool things that you should never do.

Okay, okay, all right.

Kids, kids.All right? With a knife.

All right? Never...

hold a knife like this.

ALL: Ooh!

Unless there's a zombie apocalypse,

and you got to do what you got to do.

Look here. Zombie! Zombie, zombie, zombie, zombie![kids shouting]

Calvin! Cal-Calvin, that's enough.

Never go hand to hand.

Don't want to do that.

Unless there are zombies on both sides.

Left zombie dead!

[kids cheering]Right zombie dead! Yeah!

Cal-Cal. Okay, Calvin, that's good. We...

Lis-Listen, kids, and never, ever, ever, ever

hold a knife by the blade...

unless... you're gonna throw it at the king zombie.

ALL: Oh!

Calvin! That...

...was awesome!

[kids cheering]

Gemma, I'm so sorry about Calvin.

He should never have given Grover that knife

without asking you guys first.

Funny, that's exactly what I was gonna write

on the thank-you card.

[chuckles]

What is it with boys and dangerous things?

You know, scientific studies have been done

on this very subject, and they always come back

with the same conclusion: boys are stupid.

Maybe for Christmas, I should just get Grover

this box of matches and a can of lighter fluid.

Oh, please. He doesn't need those.

Marty used to start fires with his magnifying glass.

Really?

You know that's our third garage out back?

Look, my point is,

no matter what you do, boys will always

find a way to make everything dangerous.

[scoffs] Well, when do they finally grow out of it?

Well, Calvin bought nunchucks the other day, so, never.

Great. That means I'm gonna be worried

for the rest of my life.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

they keep it interesting.

You know, Malcolm once stuck a fork in a light socket.

What happened?

We had to get a new fuse box.

Oh, you mean to Malcolm.Yeah.

He was fine once his eyebrows grew back.

Look, Gemma,

if you want, I'll make sure that Calvin takes

that knife back right now.

It's okay. Dave promised

they'd be careful with it.

KIDS: Whoa!

And that's how you play pin-finger.

Which you should never, ever do

unless you're a pirate.

Or me.

Wow.

[groans]I know what you're thinking.

You have no idea what I'm thinking.

"Use the force, Marty."

Get out of my head, wizard!

Oh, no.

I live in your head.

Oh, why-- did Mom and Dad

finally start charging you rent?

I knew you would say that.

No, you didn't. Stop it!No, you didn't. Stop it!

I'm not playin'!I'm not playin'!

I'm not playin'!I'm not playin'!

Do another trick!

All right, I'll show you a trick. Give me the knife.

Really, seal boy?

What are you gonna do-- balance it on your nose?

Okay, now, don't tell your mom,

but this is a little trick

I used to wow 'em with back in scout camp.

KIDS: Whoa!

[laughs]

It might be good for scout camp,

but what are you gonna do in real life when zombies attack?

Hmm?All right.

Want to see me throw it higher?

KIDS: Yeah!

KIDS: Whoa!

Your dad's cool, Grover.

Oh, you think that was cool?

You better put on your parka,

because it's about to get downright freezing.

All right.

Give me some room.

Ready?

♪ Happy birth...

ALL: Oh!

Right through the shoe. Ooh.

Oh, my God, are you okay?

Gemma, get the car keys!Okay, okay.

Okay.Get the car keys now.

Uh, uh, guys, I...

hope that is a valuable lesson to all of you

that you won't tell your parents.

So...

fun party.

Yeah, it was great.

There was blood, there was a knife.

The only thing missing was the crime scene tape.

Okay, okay. Look, I get it.

You're mad.

I never should have given him the knife.

You think? He's only seven years old.

Oh, I was talking about Dave.

Yeah... I specifically asked

that nobody get Grover a weapon, and you got him one anyway.

And a math puzzle.

No matter what the card says, that was from both of us.

[clears throat]

Look, Gemma.

Look, I didn't mean to disrespect you

or anything like that. I just remember

when my grandfather gave me my first knife.

It made me...

feel like a man, even though I was a kid. And so

I wanted Grover to have that same feeling too.

But he's not a man.

He's a little boy.

Look, I'm not naive.

I know I can't keep him in a bubble forever.

But he's my baby, and I want to protect him

for as long as I can.

You know what? You're right.

I guess I just never looked at it like that.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Your heart was in the right place.

Yeah.

Besides, I have to admit,

the knife was a huge hit.Hmm.

Probably even bigger than Insane Shane would've been.

He's one floor up, by the way.

You know, Grover did seem like he had fun.

I know.

I was so worried about him making friends,

but now all the kids think he's cool.

Well, of course.

They saw a dude get stabbed at his birthday party.

Come Monday, he's gonna be the man.

Oh.Oh.

There you are. Are you okay?

Well...

they couldn't save the sock.

But other than that, I'm fine. Ooh, and look.

They took out my BB.[clinking]

I don't know whether to kiss you or step on your foot.

I know which one would be more fun to watch.

[chuckles]

I'm sorry we played with the knife.

Yeah. Yeah, it was a little childish.

But the kids were egging us on.

Yeah, and I totally would have caught it

if I wasn't distracted by the cake.

Throwing it that high?

Yeah, right.

I'm sorry, you-you don't think so?

'Cause there's a scalpel back in the room.

Hey, you're talking. I don't see you moving, though.Well, let's go, then.

I don't care.Really, I mean, you're gonna do what you're gonna do.

Guys.I mean, you saw I was...

Sorry. You're right.Yeah, my bad. Bad...

Meet me in the back yard tomorrow.

I'll show you.

Did you ask my parents if it's okay to do this to our tree?

No.

That's why I'm carving your name into it and not mine.

So, how did your friends like the party?

Yeah, they loved it.

I even got a bunch of play date invites.

Well, all right.

You know what?

I'm gonna hold onto this for you until your mom says it's okay.

But the knife is what made me cool.

Oh... [chuckles]

trust me, Grover, you were cool

way before this knife.

You think?

Definitely. And that's coming from me,

the coolest guy you know.

Thanks, Mr. Calvin.

Good night, little man.Good night.

All right.

[imitates explosion, chuckles]

All right, fellas, finish up, now.

Come on, your mom made dinner.

Oh, help me, Jesus.

Face it, Marty-- you will never beat me.

I can feel it. Tonight is the night!

Oh, no.

You're fooling yourself.

I'll always be bigger.[groans]

I'll always be stronger, I'll always be...

Aah![thud]

And I'll always be smarter.

[laughs]

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Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org